We're All Insane - Ovarian Cancer at 21 Years Old

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

#podcast #cancer #infertility #health At just 21 years old, Lydia faced a diagnosis no one saw coming—ovarian cancer. Lydia shares her journey of seeking answers, navigating the medical system, and finding hope amidst uncertainty. From the first warning signs to her fight for clarity and strength, this is a story of resilience and courage that will touch your heart. Lydia's Links: Instagram: lydiameltonlane If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Topics: Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, Fertility, Emotional Struggles, Women's Health, Infertility Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name's Lydia. I am a 21 year old senior in college and today I'm going to be talking about my journey with ovarian cancer. So I think I'm going to start at the beginning of this year. The timeline is pretty clean. It starts in January and goes through now. So it was kind of just starting 2024 off with a bang. And some health context, I think that probably won't make sense now, but it'll make sense as we get into it. I'm a vegetarian. I have been since I was a

junior in high school. And that came about because I had, we don't know what it was, but it was some freak sickness, COVID stomach flu type symptoms. And then whenever I was getting over that and starting to eat food again, I just could not eat any meat without like three, four days of sickness. Like it was borderline food poisoning type sickness. And so it was just every time you would eat meat. Yeah, any type of meat. We tried red meat, chicken, turkey, pork, that kind of stuff. And it seems like over time I've just gotten more and more sensitive to it. Like I used to- Yeah, not even like chicken broth. Anything cooked in chicken broth, soups made with chicken broth. I can't. Yeah. So it's just, it's really odd. But that is some of the, other than that, I'm healthy. I don't have any history of cancer, which is also family history of cancer, which will obviously come in in this story. Otherwise healthy. I don't know, I have a 21 year old female. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. So this kind of came out of nowhere. But so the beginning of January, the first thing that sort of set all of this off was I had accidentally eaten rice that was like

I said, made in chicken broth. So I got really sick, which usually it's three, four days and then I kind of come out of it. But that time I had eaten it. I was sick for the three or four days. And then I just did not feel any better. I genuinely thought that I had food poisoning. And then around the three week mark, I had lost weight. I was dehydrated. mind you at this point I'm still in classes like at no point in my story does life stop like there is still a full load of life to do like I have to graduate I'm a student there's things to get done so I was like I haven't been able to go to class all weekly I need to go to the doctor antibiotics something to clear it out so I went to my campus health which is usually great but I think in in this story they I'm not going to say they're the villain but I think I think things would have gone differently in my story if they would have kind of stepped up and not really dismissed. You know, on a massive campus like mine, there's 30,000 students. And so it's very easy to be like any symptom that you have, okay, you're a tired college student.

Like, of course. Yes. Of course you can't get through the day without taking an app. You're a tired college student. We'll run like your basic blood panel, but it's going to come back clear. You're fine. You're tired college student. whatever. It's easy to brush it off. So I went to the doctor and was like, hey, this is what's happening. I've been sick for all these weeks. And it was stomach pain originally. So she was like, what I think happened was you being vegetarian and intolerant to me was, I think, some of the enzymes or whatever from the chicken broth essentially got stuck in your intestine. And so she gave me like an antifungal and she's like, that'll clear it out and you'll be fine. Oh, by the way, while you're here,

you're 21, it's time for you to start getting yearly pap smears. And since the stomach pain is, it was like right below my belly button at that point. She's like, let's just do one in an abdominal exam, both as a routine and to make sure it's nothing like down in that area. So I was like, okay, great. Great. So not only am I sick, but I've never had a pap smear before. And she just sprung it on me in this weird campus health doctor's office. Yeah. I was like, okay. During this time, did you ever go to a regular doctor? It was all, or it was all just like the campus doctors. The campus doctors. Okay.

Even when you originally started having like the problems with the meat. So I had never been to the doctors for my meat situation because I didn't really realize that that was abnormal. Got it. I never really thought about it. When I switched to vegetarian, I was like, okay, I just got to make sure to get my protein in. Yeah. And then it had been fine. So I never really had a reason to go.

And then with the sickness itself in junior year of high school, it was like I could have gone. But at the same time I got over it or I thought I did. So, yes, I never been to a doctor for the meat intolerance before this. So she did the papyr in the abdominal exam and everything. And she cleared me almost immediately. She's like, your ovaries seem fine. Your uterus seems fine. Your pasture came back fine.

And like antifungals get on the road. Your tired college student, you know, get some sleep. So that was the end of January this year. And then in mid-April, my boyfriend came over from. He lives in the UK. So he's in Manchester. So he flew over for a week. And mid-April, I had been having stomach cramps the week prior.

And I thought it was something like in the beginning, it was very similar to a period cramp or like a gas pain. And so I was like, okay, whatever, not really worrying about it. I'd just eaten something or maybe my period's coming early or something like that, whatever. So he gets there. And I was having those cramps again. And they were starting to get worse. And so my first thought was maybe it's like a kidney stone or something. I had never had kidney stones before, but my mom had them all the time growing up.

So I was like, maybe I just haven't been drinking enough water and like my kidneys are hurting. It was still in that area, sort of right below your belly button a little bit off to the sides. And it was on my right side. This is like, oh, no, my kidney. Like, this is annoying. I need to drink more water. I need to do some stretches, whatever. So he was there and that was happening all week.

He had gotten there on a front. I believe, and I think it was like a Monday or a Tuesday, that this had started really ramping up. And it was late at night. It was about 10 or 11. The urgent care was closed. My campus health obviously was closed. And it had started getting really, really intense. I thought it was straight up kidney stone something.

So I'm texting my mom like, hey, what did your kidney stones feel like? What's the vibes? What should I do from here? She was like, go to the doctor. Everything's closed. so I'm like, no. And then I got to the point where I tried to stand up from bed and I, like, collapsed. There was no, it was like my legs gave out. There's, you know, when your body gets to a certain point with the pain that it just stops. So that really scared me. So I called the, through my campus,

we have like a 24-hour nurse line where you can't be seen, but they'll sort of give you advice if they think it's something. And so I told her what was going on and about halfway through the phone call, this was about 20 minutes after I tried to stand up and it wouldn't. Half we through that phone call, it just goes away. It was like it never happened. And it was like a flip of a coin. I was sitting in bed and I went to sit up and it was just gone. Like no pain at all.

No pain at all. I felt totally fine. And my poor boyfriend, he's over there like, what? And so I told her that. I was like, oh, actually it's gone. And she immediately went, okay, so I'm going. ahead and need you to get in the car and go to the ER. Just go ahead and go. And so I'm starting to freak out. Obviously, what do you mean? What do you mean get in the car and go to the ER? So I was trying to

push it off. Like, no, no, it's gone. Like, I don't know if I want to go to the ER. But my boyfriend, Leon, he was like, no, like, I've seen you in pain. And this was not that. Like, we need to go. So he pushed me to go. I basically did not have a choice. We were also getting the outskirts of some type of very bad storm. And so the weather was absolutely terrible. Obviously, he's from the UK, so he doesn't know how to drive over here. But the nurse told me not to drive in case it comes back.

So he's fighting through this terrible storm trying to figure out to be on the right side of the road, like driving to the hospital. It's this whole thing. But we get to the emergency room. I still don't have any more pain. I actually didn't have any more pain at all that whole night. So it was this weird thing sort of telling them like, this is what happened. I feel fine now, but she told me to come in. So I don't know.

So we get there around 11. We end up being there until about 7 a.m. I've never pulled an all-nighter. I've gotten very lucky with my brain shuts off around midnight and I'm not staying up. So this is my first all-nighter. So we were locked in. And so I get blood work done, whatever. we're waiting for about three hours before they call me back.

And I'm in the ER room, in the little waiting room, get taken back to a real room. And the ER doctor comes in and he's asking about the pain and whatever. And his first thought instead of kidneys was appendicitis. He's like, it's on your right side. It's right where the appendix is. I know you're not having any pain and you can say no, but I would feel a lot better if you let me give you a CT scan to clear you. If it's nothing, go home, whatever. But if it is appendicitis, like you will need emergency surgery right now.

Obviously, this is not something to play with. So I'm thinking, shit, great. Like, I had done gone and got appendicitis and I'm going to have to get my appendix taken out. He's only here for a week. He didn't sign up for any of this. Like, my mom's going to freak out. So I was like, okay, I guess I'm getting a CT scan. And bless that ER doctor because he could have easily been like, I don't know, seems like a girl thing.

Like, go home, take some Advils, lay on a heating pad, hope it does. doesn't happen again, but he was, he was very adamant. And I think both Leon pushing me to the ER and having a male ER doctor that approached it not as a, I don't understand it, so it's probably nothing. He approached it as, I'm not a woman, so I want to make sure that you're okay. And that's the thing, too, is I feel like, unfortunately, in situations like that, it all depends on who you get, like what doctor you get. And I hate to say it, but there are some that I feel like will just blow things off or just think, you know, because you're young and you're 21, like, you should technically be a healthy adult. Like, you shouldn't have any serious complications going on. So they wouldn't think maybe to run tests.

No, exactly. That's why I, like, I sent him a follow-up email once we figured out what was going on. And I was like, you could have, I think you might have saved my life. Because it was dangerous. That CT scan came back and we were not at all prepared. So I get the CT scan. I'm waiting back in the room. and he walks back in and I make a joke of all are all my organs still there like how's it looking am I looking good and he goes yeah everything's still there but let's chat and that's when I was like okay okay I'm about to get emergency surgeries about to tell me my appendix is like broken open and like it's time it's go time I need to sign my forms but he goes so your kidneys are fine your appendix is fine but there is something massive

on your ovaries. And I'm thinking, okay, so it hasn't been gas pain for the last few weeks. I'm thinking the bloat that I've been experiencing, gas pain ate something, whatever. Turns out it's actually not bloat. There is just a huge mass in my stomach on my right ovary. So he's like, all right, there's something in there. Don't freak out. We don't know what it is yet. It could be something as simple as an ovarian cyst that just needs to be drained or something. But we're going to go, we're going to take you to OB in the hospital. And they're just going to do a quick ultrasound to get a better look on it. So I'm like, oh, shit.

And he's looking at me. You know when doctors give you that look of like it's something serious and they're expecting me to freak out? Yeah. Yeah. It hadn't said in that this was serious. I was just like, okay, of course it would be. Like my luck.

Of course it is. Okay. So I'm still joking with him at this point. And I'm like, okay, to OB we go. I guess we're getting an ultrasound and he's looking at me. Like, you know this is serious. Like, stop joking around about this. So they wouldn't even let me walk to the ultrasound place.

They brought in a wheelchair and I was like, no, I can walk. Like I'm okay. And she's like, no, you need to sit down. So they wheel me to ultrasound. At this point, he wasn't telling me how big it is. He just said it's massive. So I get to ultrasound and she's doing the thing on my stomach and she's like, oh my gosh, this thing is huge. Have they even told you how big it is?

I was like, no. It's about eight inches across, which is about this waterfall. Yeah. Yeah. it's about eight inches across it's about two and a half inches thick and about four and a half inches like long so about equivalent to a pretty big russet potato and geez and that was also the ultrasound that I found out that it's not just on my right ovary there is another one on my left ovary so I have they're still calling it a mass they don't know what it is so we have a very

big one, a russet potato on my right ovary and about the size of a red onion on my left. And so she's like, oh man. Okay. At this point, I looked pregnant. She had told me, she was like, not to freak you out, but the mass in there is about the size that your uterus would be in the second trimester pregnancy. And you said you were also experiencing bloating? So that's sweet. Like that is what that was from. Yes. Okay. It wasn't any type of gas at all. It was just masses in there pushing out my stomach. And was it more bloating than you had had like previously from other problems. Yeah. So again, I thought it was like residuals from the rice situation.

And so that's when it all kind of was like, all right, cool. Because she said they are too big to do anything natural like they're going to need surgery and they're going to need surgery soon. So if it happened to be a cyst, do you know if they would just, like if they just had a dream it, would it be like a serious surgery or is that something they could do kind of more easily than like a mass removal? It could be, it would be a very similar surgery, but it would be an easier surgery. Okay.

They wouldn't necessarily be taking anything out, I don't think. And a lot of, I learned a lot about this. Your body as a woman actually grows cis every month during ovulation naturally to sort of bring the egg from the ovary into the fallopian tubes just help transport it. And then after ovulation, it goes away. Okay. So they had thought it might have been something like that or my body. just wasn't getting rid of them naturally. It's like laying them through. So she was like,

no need to freak out. Sometimes this just happens, but you are going to need surgery. And I also found out that the pain that I was feeling that night was something called ovarian torsion, which basically means that the mass is so big, there's your ovary and then there's your fallopian tube. It was so big that it had flipped my fallopian tube. And basically my ovary was suffocating. And so the pain was my ovary not getting any oxygen. And then I'm assuming that when it went away, maybe I flip back. Yeah, exactly. Okay. That's exactly what happened. And so, I mean, that was something. That was something. So we get out of the ER and that's when I had to call my mom and tell her, you know, hey, it's not a kidney stone. I actually have giant masses on my ovaries. And, you know, poor woman,

she's, goodness. She's been a trooper. She's gone to basically every visit. I don't know how she's hand. I could not imagine having a daughter who's 21 years old and who has never had anything like this suddenly calling me on a random Wednesday morning at like 6 a.m. Yeah. And so that was mid-April. And a couple weeks later, late April, I was referred to an actual not campus OBGYN, like an actual private practice OBGYN to basically review the scans that they had taken in the are get her specialized opinion on it for what to do going forward. And I got there. She had me lay on the table. She didn't even have to do an abdominal exam. So the difference between a pap smear and an abdominal exam is a pap smear. They use a speculum and then like swab everything. An abdominal exam is

where they put, they use their fingers and they press on the top of you as well. And that's trying to feel your uterus and your ovaries to make sure that everything is at least there and like sitting where it's supposed to. So she didn't even do. have to do an abdominal exam. She pinched my stomach right beside my belly button and she goes, yeah, I can feel it. Those things are massive. I don't know how that campus health doctor did not feel that because these things do not grow overnight. So that's when I was like, okay, how do you do a pap smear and an abdominal exam and not feel an eight and a half inch tumor? Well, mass at that point. We didn't know that it was a tumor. So that was frustrating, frustrating to say the least. And I

this whole process, I feel personally if it was caught that day at the January appointment, that it would not have gotten to where it ended up getting to. Yeah. So we found out that it did need surgery officially. It was kind of being whispered about in the ER. She was like, I mean, expect it to, but I'm not going to say yes or no. Like, that's not my place, but I'm just saying expect that it's probably going to be a thing. I get to the OBGYN, she goes, no, you need urgent surgery, like in the next two weeks.

So they put in the order, and I ended up meeting with, she was an OB specialist surgeon. She was great. But it was, I went to meet with her and in the office, it was definitely a weird feeling being, one, the youngest woman there, 21, surrounded by very excited pregnant women and me sitting in the lobby with my boyfriend being like, Yeah, yeah. Got masks on my ovaries. It's fine. But like, you look cute?

Yeah, yeah. Congratulations. But I met with her. She was great. That was late April. And then the first week of May, I had my first surgery. Mind you, like I said, life didn't stop for me. I was still, I had finals to take.

I was working. I was in classes. And I had the first surgery. Was there any pain between that appointment and the surgery date? No. Okay. It was, I think, just being more aware of it. Because they had put me on.

movement restriction as soon as they found before I even left the ER as soon as they found the masses they were like okay so that was torsion and we're going to need you to not do that again I mean at least you didn't have pains yeah in between because that would have been so much worse too yeah yeah yeah we were I was really worried but I don't know if I could do that again yeah that was intense um but basically they were just like no lifting heavy weights no working out no running kind of deal just take it easy and be aware that there are you know masses inside of your body so thankfully no more pain before the surgery. And it was a laparoscopic surgery. So it wasn't an open abdomen, thankfully. They just put like an inch and a half long incision in my belly button and then four more.

If you kind of think about your abdomen like a rectangle with your belly button in the middle, they sliced the belly button in the four corners. So they were able to go in with like robot arms and do like a robotic surgery. And that first surgery, the plan was, okay, we're going to go in. We're just going to get the masses. We're going to leave as much as your ovaries as possible. We're not going to touch your uterus. Like, this is a mission just for the masses. And that's what happened.

They ended up having to take like a chunk of my right ovary out. But another cool fact about the ovaries is that they will actually start regenerating during surgery. Okay. So whenever they take a chunk out, she said that she could actually watch my ovary come back together. Wow. Yeah. Overeys are crazy. And so that wasn't a problem to take a little bit of a chunk out.

And so after the first surgery, I was in recovery, and it was about a week and a half after recovery. So obviously my mom had come in for the surgery and my appointments and whatnot. My boyfriend had gone home at this point. So he was just keeping him updated via the WhatsApp. So he's probably at this point in the UK freaking out. But he was a trooper. So my mom was in for the first week while I was recovering. Again, it was laparoscopic, so it wasn't a super intense surgery.

It was just a week of downtime and then I was able to move around again. They were trying to get me to move around as much as possible after the first 24 hours. So it wasn't bad. But she went home and I believe it was like nine days after my surgery. I was eating dinner on the couch. None of my roommates were home, so it was just me. And I get an email that says, like, your test results have been published to the portal. So during surgery, they take it out.

they take the masses out and they send them to the lab basically be like let's figure out what this is and so I got the email that says that my test results were published and I was like oh cool okay let's look at what these are they had also published pictures for me because I'm I'm in the health field so I was like okay yeah let me see it now while you're in there like let me see it um which was really cool if it wasn't actually if it didn't turn out to be cancerous it would have been like the coolest thing to see inside my own body I feel like people don't really get to yeah to experience that very often. So I log in, I look at the photos, which are crazy, by the way. They were quite literally about like that big. They were huge. And so what it turned out to be was it was not an

ovarian cyst. They were both very large tumors and they were borderline tumors, which meant they weren't benign, but they weren't rapid growing malignant either, which I didn't know existed. I thought it was either growing or it's not. Yeah. But apparently there is a gray area. And I landed right in the gray area. So that was a big pill to swallow alone in my living room. So you read that yourself? Like, yeah, you didn't get a call yet? No. Okay.

I, yeah, I was able to read it. And I didn't really know what that meant at first. And I was like, okay, like tumors. People have tumors all the time that are cancer. It's like, whatever, they just take them out. And then I scroll down a little bit more and I see that it has been staged, which means that it is officially on the cancer scale. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast.

Every week, we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice.

Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. And that was a pill to swallow. So I'm like, oh, it was tumors. That's crazy. Oh, borderline didn't know that that existed. Oh my God, it's cancer.

Okay, okay. So again, had to call my mom, had to tell her that her baby girl has cancer, which didn't make the pill any easier to swallow. Because, you know, it's one thing to know it about yourself and be like, okay, but I'm good. Like, I can figure it out versus having to tell someone else. Yeah. And especially, like, your mom, you know, like she doesn't, not that she doesn't want to hear that. No one wants to hear that.

But like, you know, like she's just, that was, that was hard. I think telling my mom was harder than actually reading it myself. So that was just, that was a lot. I had finals the next week. Like, it was, it was a lot going on. So that was early May. And then until mid-July, which is when the first surgery follow-up was, it was just kind of coming to terms with, okay, this is cancerous.

I am 21 years old with ovarian cancer. Like, what do you mean? I'm an otherwise healthy person and it's like, not to mention I'm 21. Like, this doesn't happen to 21 year olds. So in between May and July, did you have any like calls or appointments with them to discuss anything? Yes. So I had like a test results follow up where they basically just told me what I already knew. Yeah, I was like, I'm not close.

this webpage until I understand every word on it. So, yeah. So she called me and we basically talked through it, which was, I mean, I appreciate, but she also was like, I'm very confused because this doesn't happen to 21-year-olds. And it's not like I had been struggling with my ovaries previously. Like, I'm an otherwise healthy human. And the pap smear and everything came back normal. So it was just very felt out of the blue.

Yeah. So what did they tell you anything like you should be doing between that May and July time or no? No. Oh, so I, obviously when you get news like that, you're grasping too. Okay, so what can I do right now? Like, how can I do? How can I fix this? Like, what on my end can I do to best support myself?

And so I'm asking these questions and they basically were like, there is nothing you can do. Like, just surround yourself with good vibes and just keep it pushing. Which is hard to hear when doctors are like, it's out of your control. You know, there's nothing you can. do. And it's also a very, it sort of felt like a hitting a wall with my body. And we're up until that point, it was like, okay, no lifting weights, no going on runs. That's fine. I can, I can eat foods that try to give me the most energy and that I can make sure that I'm doing what I need to do to try to sleep good at night and doing stretches to help support my body. But after those phone calls where I'm

asking those questions and they say that there's nothing I can do, it's like a sudden disconnect, where it's no longer me in my body. It's like me and then my body. And so sort of having to accept that, that it's no longer I can't. Not that I'm not in control of my body, but I'm not in control of my body, you know? And then also having to accept that there's this like foreign parasite

essentially growing in my body and that there was nothing I could do about it. It was just a lot, a lot. and watching, like, Leon and my mom and my closest friends telling them. And it's, it's a different kind of conversation, obviously. But when you see the look on someone's face, when you sit them down and say, I have cancer, and there's nothing anyone can do about it, like, that's, that's hard, you know. And it's, I know it's hard for them, but it's, it's hard to watch people,

go through that. Like I said, you can be in your own body and know like, okay, like, yes, but I feel fine. Like, I can still eat and everything. Like, I feel like I can do this. But when you hear your friends going through it, like you can't, you don't know that. You don't know.

And so, yeah, it was just, it was a lot of hard conversations and feeling sort of helpless, I guess, not in like a victimized, pity me kind of helpless, but just I wish I could do something for my body. And a lot of, am I failing my body or is my body failing me kind of thing? So just a lot of big pills to swallow between May and July. And also just accepting that I had cancer, that I am a person with cancer. Just like, what?

Right. Just a lot. So then mid-July, I have my post-op follow-up, make sure I was healing well and everything. That was fine. And then I also had my first ultrasound. because during this time, we agreed that the treatment plan was going to be an ultrasound every three months and an MRI every four months. So an abdominal MRI and then a vaginal ultrasound every three months just to monitor it very closely. Because they had told me that I had, I believe it's called microinvasion on my right ovary,

which basically means if there's microinvasion present, the chance of whatever it was coming back is like, exponentially higher. So they essentially were like, you have a breeding ground for this tumor on your ovary still. So we're expecting it to come back at some point. It could be right now. It could be in a year. It could be in 10 years. But like it's going to come back essentially.

So we just need to monitor it closely. So it doesn't get to be eight and a half inches big again before we do something. So also a fun fact, the tumors when they took them out, I weighed in at my post stop appointment, almost 12 pounds lighter than I did. Wow. Yeah. it was serious. So I had my ultrasound. I felt fine. I was healing fine. There wasn't any complication. So I felt good. I was like, okay, they took it out, whatever. Like, it's going to be fine.

So I have my ultrasound. And obviously, the ultrasound text can't tell you anything before the doctor reviews it. But I felt like something was odd because she did the vaginal ultrasound. And then she's like, okay, so we're actually also just going to do a quick stomach one. Like when you think of an ultrasound when a pregnant one was getting an ultrasound. She's like, we're just going to do. that one real quick as well. But she only did it on the right side. She didn't like look at the left. And so I kind of felt like something was wrong. Something had come back up or whatever. And that day, I had also had the MRI planned, like just the first monitoring and everything. So I had my MRI. It went fine. I didn't get the results back for that immediately either. But a couple days later, again, I got the, at this point dreaded email when I see my chart,

You have test results published to your portal. Okay, of course I do. So I opened it up. The ultrasound found that not only had the tumor come back, but it had multiplied about six times. So instead of there being, the structure of the first one was, it was like a bag, and then it had three smaller tumors inside of it. And so two of them were ovarian cysts, but then one of them was a cancerous tumor. And so whenever what had happened, essentially, I found out that whenever they were taking it out during the first surgery, it was so big they had to break it apart and take it out in pieces again because it wasn't an open abdomen surgery. The incisions were like that long. It had broken open and spilled into my abdomen. And so those cancer cells were just kind of spilled all over my ovaries and all over my uterus. So when it had come back, it had multiplied.

And so it wasn't just one tumor. I think there was like four or five of them in there. And how big were they? They were smaller. I think in total it was about six inches across. Okay. So they were smaller, but there was more because it had broken apart. Yeah.

In pieces. Okay. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And that was within three months? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So that was a lot. And then the MRI came back. And I had also, they had been showing those same borderline cells on my liver, which is very confusing because the progression of ovarian cancer is usually one ovary, the other ovary, then your uterus. And then it'll metastasize to your liver and go from there. And so we jumped from my ovaries to my liver. Like we totally skipped the whole part of that story. So that was confusing, but also terrifying. Because once it reaches the liver, then usually from there it gets in your blood and that's when it's non-operable.

So we're all kind of like, oh, God. Oh, goodness. So quick question. Is that the reason why you didn't need any like chemo treatments because it was operable? Yeah. Okay. So but if it's in your blood, that's when you would need treatment. Yeah.

Or if it's in an area where like I said, the ovaries will regenerate. Like it's okay if you have to whatever. Got it. But if it's on something that can't be operated on, obviously. or if it was an aggressive type of cancer that was essentially growing too quickly to be operated on, they would do some type of radiation or chemo. But the borderline cells don't react well to chemo or radiation. So thankfully, I didn't have to start any of that through this process.

All of my treatment were surgery-based. So that is a silver lining, I will say that. But we find out that it's back on my ovaries. We find out that it is now also on my liver. And my second surgery was like a week and a half after that appointment. So my two surgeries were almost exactly three months apart. Did they go in the same way? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Yeah. Actually, they were great. They went straight over my incisions from last time. Okay. Yeah. So I only have one set of incisions. They look like stab wounds.

It's kind of cool. But yeah, thankfully, they didn't have to do any open abdomen or anything this time either. I meet. I also at that time, I officially meet my oncology team. which is also like a this is actually happening when you get referred to oncology and you walk in and it's like an actual oncology office and people are there with you know they are doing chemo and radiation and you walk in and it's like okay just me the college kid from down the street like you you you're in stage four like cancer like that kind of thing um just a weird imposter syndrome like this doesn't make any sense and also at this point we still hadn't found a cause for this like i have no family history of any type of a bear in cancer or anything like that. Otherwise, healthy. Like, I'm, I don't know. We don't know what's going on. So, yeah, so we didn't know at that point any type of root causes for this. And so in that week and a half where I find out that they had come

back and that it was on my liver and that I needed surgery, they also were like, okay, so you also need to go talk to this specialist because you need to freeze your ex. And I was like, why would I need to freeze my ex? If you're just going in and taking out the chance. tumor and they go, oh, no, no, no, because we also need to take out an opry and you need to freeze your eggs. For anyone who doesn't know with egg freezing and insurance, especially in North Carolina, it might be different in different states, but insurance will not usually cover the process of getting your eggs frozen or storage because it's seen as an elective procedure.

It is very expensive. I am a college student. So even if you, even if you told them your history, they still wouldn't cover it. So, like, you would think if you told them what was going on, you would realize, okay, this obviously isn't by choice. No, no. There are, like, organizations, like, nonprofits type charity things that offer help, especially in, like, the research triangle area that I lived. I got very lucky to be in a very strong network. The Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill network is insane.

So they have a lot of connections with nonprofits and stuff that if you come to them with a cancer diagnosis, they will definitely cover like your meds to get all of this done. And sometimes they'll cover the whole thing, just depending on where you're at and that kind of thing. So I met with the specialist and she was running me over through the whole process of freezing your eggs. It's like two weeks straight of giving yourself shots to make your ovaries essentially jumpstart and start maturing as many eggs as possible as fast as possible. And then at the end, you have to give yourself a trigger shot that tells your ovaries to stop. And then you have to go in for this procedure that it's quite painful. So you kind of have to be anesthetized. And they go in and they retrieve your eggs.

And this whole thing. And you have to go to the doctors to get ultrasounds every other day during this two-week period to make sure everything's growing. The specialist was about 40 minutes away from my house at that time. So she's running me through this. And to her, she says this every day. She's a specialist. This is what she does. And so she's asking me these big questions.

Like, do you want kids? Do you know how many you want kids? Are you okay with adopting? Like, are you okay with being infertile? Like, what's the thing? And I'm sitting here again. I'm 21. Like, I don't know.

I don't know if I want kids. I don't know if I'm okay with adoption or surrogacy or like whatever. I don't even know if I want to freeze my eggs, you know, because it's also expensive to store. And I am also. How much is it? It's about 500 a year, depending on where you're at. And then transporting it overseas, like I would have to.

I'm planning to move to Europe after graduation. That's a whole different thing. And then the regulations in the country that you moved to is different. It's just this whole thing. And they were like, okay, so if you want to freeze your eggs before your surgery, you need to make the decision today because your surgery is in less than two weeks. And the process takes two weeks. And so I was like.

That is so much to put on someone so if I mean, not that it's their fault, but still, it's like. Yeah. Yeah. And so my mom was with me at this appointment. And I remember we just got in the car and just sat there. Even somebody that is older than you, though, and it has time to, like, think of these things or has thought about these things. It's still a lot to digest and decide in one day. Yeah, yeah.

Because we hadn't even fully accepted that I was about to lose an ovary and then let alone the whole egg freezing thing. And so I kind of made the decision like, no, like I'm not. freezing my eggs right now. Like this is, this is too much. Like, I'm, I, no. And they're only taking out one ovary. Um, at that point, I still hadn't really accepted the fact, but they're only taking out one overy. Like, I'll still have one left kind of deal. Like, I'm not spending, it would have been close to $12,000 to have this done. Um, like, and no, I got tuition to pay. Yeah. And so I chose not to, but she also explained to me the possibility, of being infertile and what would happen if worst case scenario, they get into this surgery and they

have to take both. And so that was also just like a lot because that case scenario, if they, at this point, we didn't know if they would have to be able to save an ovary, take one or take both. So I had to sign consent forms for all three possibilities before the surgery. And so if they would have had to go in and take both, that would have meant not only would I not have any eggs stored because I didn't freeze it before the surgery, but I would have had to take synthetic estrogen every single day until I turned 54. I'm 21. And so if I didn't do that, I would be sent into early menopause, which is very dangerous on a young person's body. Your bones start to deteriorate. It's terrible for your brain health. You get all these health problems from it. And so I would essentially have to be,

It's the same type of process, I guess, for people transitioning from male to female, like that estrogen that they're on. I would have to be on that every single day until I turned 54. And it was safe for my body to naturally go into menopause. So it was a lot. And then also having to grapple with that possibility with an overseas move, like getting registered at the NHS and like getting medications over there and all of that. It was just a lot of possibilities to go through.

Mind you, at this point, we still didn't know why this was happening. still to this day we actually don't know but so we get the second surgery planned and we also decide to instead of do egg freezing we decided to undergo genetic testing to try and see

not only the health of my eggs if I were to freeze them in the near future but to try and see if maybe I had some type of burke gene or some type of genetic mutation that I didn't have family history but maybe you know some weird thing in my genetics that made me extra susceptible. Same with like

maybe it's PCOS kind of thing. My doctors would basically tell me it wasn't going to be PCOS because the tumors that I had weren't affected by hormones and they didn't. They weren't affected by and they didn't affect any hormones. Like they didn't make any hormones themselves. I would throw anything off balance. But we did testing either way. Comes back, I'm clear.

They tested for 21 different genes, including all of the burkas, all the ovarian stuff. I'm completely clear. My blood work, clear. genetics clear and so I have no idea um it's just like still I can't wrap my head around it to this day I'm like no one has any idea there's no any theories no nothing like you're quite literally an oncology specialist you don't yeah what do you mean how many and this might be jumping ahead but how many opinions have you gotten so I've had the um the ER doctor the OBGYN, the OBGYN surgery specialist, the oncologist, there was also a radiologist that came in to

read my scans, and then the doctor that read my MRI as well. And none of them had any idea. No one knows. So that's frustrating because also it's like if you don't know a cause, then you can't prevent. Yeah. Or have any understanding, really. It's just kind of like, okay, I was dealt these cards. Yeah, like, okay, yes, we're here.

And so there's like no, not necessarily closer, but there's no comfort to find in it. Because if it's like, okay, if it turned out that I had a burkegee or something, it's like, okay, this sucks, but like you have an understanding. Yeah. Like an explanation of something. Yeah. And also something to tell people. Like all of my friends and my mom and my, and Leon watching me go through this and

trying to support me the best they can. It's like I can't tell them, oh, like this sucks, but here's a cause for it. We can find comfort and knowing that at least we. figured it out. It's still just like going through it another day, I guess. Um, and it's, it was, you know, it's like bad news after bad news after bad news. It's just one after the other. And it's exhausting to swallow, like swallow that pill about yourself, but also it's hard to, like I said, not to keep wrapping back around to it, but like watching my mom having to accept all this. Watching Leon, it's like you can watch the people around you get exhausted with it as well,

which just like sucks. And so. we have the whole egg freezing conversation. We have the whole possibly infertile conversation. And me and my boyfriend have been together for like a year and a half, but I'm like, do you want kids? Like, let's have this conversation, I guess. Do you want kids? Yeah, it's like if I come out of this infertile, like,

are you going to feel differently? And it's like, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm not trying to scare you. Like, you've got to be honest with me. I mean, it's a lot at once, but I think that like, in my opinion, it's a healthy conversation to have, like, regardless. And obviously, like, yeah, you're still young and you never want to make anyone feel pressured.

But life throws us curveballs and, like, this is what your life through you. So it's like, whoever is going to be with you or in your life has to understand, you know, if that conversation has to be addressed in a way, you know. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And thankfully, it was, you know, a very, I don't want to say easy conversation because the topic was difficult, but it was as easy as it could be. It was smooth. Yeah. It was calm.

very actually like very nice conversation to have. Same with my mom about like, mom like you might not get grandkids for me. And like my older sister doesn't really want kids of her own, which is, you know, like that's, my mom like really wants grandkids. And so it was just, it was very hard to kind of be like everybody has to be prepared for the worst case scenario. So then I had my surgery August 2nd. So like a week and a half after the egg freezing conversation.

So I go into my second surgery. I'm having to sign all of these forms, basically just telling the doctors, like, hey, do what you got to do. So I come out. I find out that they did take out my entire right ovary in fallopian tube, and they took out a chunk of my left ovary. So that was, I was, obviously, I was expecting it. I was fully informed on each possibility. But I think it's a different feeling, knowing that it's, probably going to happen versus knowing that it's gone and there is no getting it back and that

like I'm going to live the rest of my life with not even one entire ovary well not even that because they're also like it's going to come back up on your leftover as well like they said that after the surgery they said that um whenever we were planning the second surgery whenever we were running through all of the possibilities um and so they gave me kind of the same rundown as they did from my right Like, could be now, could be a year, could be 10 years, could be never, you know? Like, ideal possibilities that I don't have any more problems until I have as many kids as I want to have if I choose to have a ton or choose to have none or whatever. If I get through that phase in my life and it's, I'm okay with. So basically during this surgery, were they more, I guess, cautious about anything kind of spilling over?

yet well technically yes but it was sort of a different procedure it was the same type of surgery but instead of having to go in and try to um you know everything inside of your body is like wet and so it sticks together and so instead of having to try to carefully peel this tumor off of your ovary without hurting your ovary and taking it out they essentially put a bag around my ovary and fallopian tube and snip the nerves and pull it all out. Okay. So it was the same type of surgery, but a little bit less precise. So like the chances of what happened the first time.

Yes. Was lower this time. A lot lower. Okay. Yes. It's kind of like throwing a net into the ocean and just taking it all back out. So thankfully there was there was no spilling on that one, but they did take out my fallopian tube and my ovary and part of my left ovary.

And I also found out randomly that I was allergic to heparin, which they gave you a heparin shot before surgery to help with. blood clotting. So I guess I had an allergic reaction in surgery as well. So I just woke up feeling quite rough. But I healed, healed fine. But I think even now, whenever I think about the fact that I only have one over it, if I think about it too long or too hard, I kind of still get choked up about it because it's like,

what do you mean? And it's also, you know, being a woman, I know that that doesn't, in any way. define a woman, but it's still like, okay, I just lost a big part of what biologically makes me like a woman, you know? And it's also as someone who now I'm actually having to think about, okay, well, do I want kids? Like actually having to confront these questions of looking into surrogacy and like looking into what does that even mean? What does that look like? How do you go about doing that? Egg freezing IVF, which is just kind of up in the air right now as well. It's everything happening. And in politics, I haven't really had to pay attention to that until now.

And if I choose to stay in the States, I have to make sure that I'm moving to an area that I'm still going to be able to get that kind of care. And that's just, hopefully it doesn't come to that. But like, even now, there are areas where I couldn't, I wouldn't be able to live if I got a job offer there or something, I wouldn't be able to go because I wouldn't be able to have access to that type of resources if I did want a family. So that's a lot to accept coming out of surgery. So that was early August. Had my follow up, the post dot follow up, healing fine, feeling fine. They also ended up recently testing for something called AlphaGal to sort of find a root cause for at least the meat intolerance I have. Because it was on the table where they were also like maybe this is a GI type cancer that has spread to your ovaries.

You know, everything is very close down there. Your intestines is your ovaries, everything. and that would also explain your meat intolerance. So I was like, oh, here we go. Here we go. They wanted me to get an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. And I was like, y'all, I'm so tired. I am so tired.

My doctors are great, but I have seen y'all way too many times right now. No. So I turned down the colonoscopy and the endoscopy because they said they could also first do a blood panel to sort of check the enzyme levels and stuff. So I opted for that and it looked fine. and we did an abdominal MRI again. And my GI tract and everything looked fine. But the things on my liver were still looking weird. So that was kind of unsettling.

But yeah, so the liver was still looking odd on my second MRI. And so I had another one quite recently, actually. And thankfully, so they can't see my ovaries in an abdominal MRI. So the abdominal MRI is, I think, from, like your chest down to your belly button. So they're looking at things like your stomach, your liver, your gallbladder, that kind of stuff, your kidneys. And so my most recent one was showing that the spots on the liver were starting to sort of figure themselves out. Thankfully, nothing was growing super big. And also your liver is very resilient, which I didn't know.

They told me that people can have a bunch of growths on their liver and that the liver will actually function fine. So they don't need to go in and know anything with that? As of right now, no, thankfully. But I have not gotten a look at my ovaries and my uterus yet since my second surgery. Yeah, I was going to ask you, because this month will be three months, right? Okay. Yeah. And so I...

So you really still are just, like, very much in the midst of this. Like, you don't even know. Yeah. I don't have my next ultrasound until, like, the beginning of December. So... And that's where you see if anything is grown again. Yeah. Yeah. So we're all just kind of sitting here, fingers crossed, and it's, I'm still having appointments with my oncologists just sort of do check-ins and talk about the possibilities. And they're, the way they're talking is like, okay, now your left ovary is treasure. That's a golden ovary. This is, we don't have another shot with this.

Now, if for some reason, worst case scenario, they had to take the left ovary to and you're left with none. can this can these masses or these tumors still grow back again but like in a different area like in the uterus or they don't even really know so they could they could if it leans on the malignant like aggressive side yeah we're kind of just hoping that one it doesn't come back but if it does it's benign okay if it leans malignant yes the next step would be it grabs onto my ovary or my uterus um and if that's the case then a hysterectomy would be on the table, which is we were really avoiding that because it's one thing to not have ovaries and to still keep your uterus because you can do things like IVFs. Like as long as you have a uterus,

you can carry a child. But once the uterus is gone, like you're not making anything. So hopefully we don't get there. Right. But now it's kind of just grappling with like every time I get bloated. Right.

Well, it also just sucks because it's like you get this. I mean, I know what you say. Like, it's, thankfully, it's not anything like a super invasive surgery. Yeah. But you're getting these major surgeries. Yeah.

I feel like any surgery is major, you know, and comes risks and all of that stuff. So it's like you're getting these surgeries. And then it's kind of like in between your healing time. Yeah. And this three month period, you're kind of just waiting and hoping for the best. Yeah. It's a lot. And I don't know if I said that whenever they tested for alpha-gal, it's like this possible.

sort of like you can get Lyme disease from a tick. It's like an insect thing. And growing up in the South, there are lots of ticks and mosquitoes. So we thought maybe I had like alpha-gal and that was the reason for the rice mishap. Turns out I don't have alpha-gall. We don't know what happened with the catalyst of all this either. Like there's just no answers for anything about the situation. And right, the meat thing is so weird and so random.

I mean, yeah, I guess you can just develop an intolerance to anything. But the fact that it goes as deep as like even chicken broth is like, crazy. Yeah. It's like I don't know. I got the negative result last week and I still don't know what to make it. It's just okay. It just sucks that you don't have any like dead set answers on anything. On literally anything. Yeah. It's like just this waiting game. Yeah. Like ifs, maybe his butts. Exactly. Exactly. So right now we're kind of we're trying to just assume that everything is fine. Best case scenario, trying to manifest a clean, a clean ultrasound. I don't want to to do a third surgery. Surgery's not fun and apparently I'm allergic to heparin so like that's

not cool either. Did they say what happened with that allergic reaction? No, and she said it so casually in my appointment. It's not like she sat me down and was like, hey, this is what happened. She was just like, no, we probably should test for alpha-gal because you were allergic to heparin as well and that would make sense. Yeah. What do you mean I was allergic to heparin? So I don't know. Lord, I don't know. But yeah, next ultrasound in December, now we're kind of, It's just like this weird gray waiting area that's also like I won't know if I still technically have cancer or if I'm in remission until December. Right. So I don't, I don't know.

It's tough. I don't want to say annoying. Well, I will say something that I notice and I'm sure everyone listening or watching can notice is like you have very like a very high spirit. You know, like I just feel like overall you're such a positive sweet person. And it's like even though this is something that is very. difficult and traumatic to go through. Like, I feel like the way that you go about it and carry yourself is in, like, the best case scenario, very positive mindset.

And honestly, that's the best thing you can do for yourself. You have to. You have to. Because the more negative we are in any situation in any part of our life, like, the more negativity and just bad stuff we can attract. And your body feels so. Yes. Your body can feel it.

And it's like the more light we put out, the more light we receive, you know? So it's like, I feel like it's so clear and obvious that all you try to do is put out. light and positivity. And, you know, something else that you mentioned that is a really important thing that I feel like isn't oftentimes talked about is the effects that, you know, whatever is happening to you is happening to the people around you as well. And that probably is like just as difficult, if not more than like finding out something directly happening to you. Because like you said, I feel like, not that it's ever easy, but at least we can handle things within our own, you know, time and space and alone time and within ourselves mentally, but then having to have those

uncomfortable conversations with, you know, a significant other or family members, it puts a whole another weight and burden and uncomfortability, I feel like, to a situation. Yeah. That you don't even realize, you know, and it's difficult and sad. It's really sad because then you're dealing with how you feel, plus how somebody else feels and everything in between. Yeah, and there is no telling them like, yeah it sucks now but I'll be okay. Like it's like, oh, we don't know. Like we have no idea. And that was another thing having to grapple as well as the possibility of being infertile,

but just generally my mortality. Like we don't know where this can go. And while like, yes, it was staged technically as a stage one, like we don't know where it's going to go in this next ultrasound. Not that I'm scared that I'm, you know, going to pass away from this or anything. The mortality rate for ovarian cancer is, very low. Like it's yeah in terms of no cancer is good but in terms of the type of cancer like this is a better one to have. So I'm not necessarily worried about that but just there is no sucks

or no but I'm going to be okay like it's fine yeah because it's like you know you you do things like oh I have a stomach ache you Google what it is you read webmd that it might be cancer where you're like nah like nah quite literally the worst case scenario like did happen. Um yeah and you said the hard conversations, friends, family, and even like this whole time life didn't stop. I was still, I was working full time over the summer. I was working a job. I was doing research. I was having to tell my professors about this because I'd be out for a week and a half from surgery. Yeah, I was going to ask you, did you ever tell the college campus nurse doctor person? Yes, campus health reached out to me. The specific doctor, I haven't heard from her.

Okay. But the nurse line, like they get a notification of someone. called the nurse line and what it was about. And so the nurse line followed up with me like, hey, did you end up getting seen? Like, are you okay? And I told her what happened. And she was just kind of in awe, because she can see my chart. Like, she was like, everything came back normal, you know, she just kind of joined the train of being like, what the hell? But in terms of the campus itself, haven't heard anything. Not that they owe me an apology. I don't think so. But at least, like, check in. No. which is like fine because I did get very lucky with the team that I've ended up with.

Yeah. I don't feel unsupported by any means. But yeah, just kind of, kind of a lot of having to accept that this is actually happening to me. And like you said, trying to stay positive. It's a lot. The surgeon that did my first surgery, the oncologist surgeon, I talked to her a couple months ago. I had an appointment with her with my mom. and she walked in to debrief the second set of scans.

So when everything came back. And I've never seen a doctor cry, especially in an appointment. But she just kind of stood there and was like, you need to be meaner. Like this stuff doesn't happen to people who are mean, you know? Like it's always the good people. And she like broke down and started crying. And, you know, of course, that made my mom cry. And then that made me cry.

And it was just, it's a lot. But you're right. It is important to be positive and just sort of, yeah, it might be happening to you. but I can't do anything about it. There's quite literally nothing I can do about it right now. And I was going to say, too, you know, I always say episodes like this are important

because I think it just reminds people how important it is to speak up and to do your best at all times to get answers. Yeah. Because like we were saying before, I feel like, unfortunately, it is so common that you can kind of, you know, fall into the hands of doctors or nurses or whoever

that they might not have the answers. and they will stop and leave it right there. And then there's other people that will fight until they get an answer. Or, you know, it might take five or six different opinions or specialists to get some sort of conclusion or answer or even just like an idea. So I feel like if you're going through something, these episodes kind of remind people don't stop. You know what I mean? Like fight for your health because at the end of the day, I feel like you're the only one that you can really rely on to do that. You know, all these, like you said, these doctors and these surgeons and whoever else, they're dealing with people every day.

Yeah. You know, and they're great, but I think there can be times where it's kind of just like cycling through. That's not all of them. But for some, and I feel like that's when you kind of have to stand up for yourself and use your voice and speak up and be like, look, I need an answer. Who can I go to next? Or like, and, you know, vouch for yourself. Do the research and keep fighting because, you know, having an answer or figuring something. out can give a lot of clarity. It might not fix a situation, but it can give clarity. Yeah. Yeah,

that was, I totally agree. I think it's so important to advocate for yourself and to not brush things off because this may have been a worst case scenario, but at the same time, like, I talked to Leon and my mom about this all the time, like, if he hadn't pushed me to go to the ER and if that ER doctor hadn't taken me seriously or had just brushed it off because I was, I was willing and ready to just go home and take Advil. Yeah. Like, they, in a lot of ways, they could have possibly saved my life that night. Yeah.

And you need to trust your body. Like, if you're feeling. Exactly. You can feel it. Yeah. Like, if you feel like something is not wrong, it kind of like how you said your boyfriend was like, no, I've seen you in pain. Yeah.

And you know, you have to trust yourself. And if you feel like, all right, something's off, even if something for some reason a pain goes away, it's just worth it to be safe, like on the safer side. Because you just don't know. Yeah. And it's something that you can't see. Like, you feel it, but you can't see it. You can't, like, look down and be like, oh, I have a bruised.

Right, exactly. You kind of have to just like be on the safer side and get checked out. Exactly. And yeah, like even now, even you said finding an answer doesn't mean it's going to fix it. But like even me sitting here right now, I can feel that something is not right in my body. I can feel that there's something wrong. But mentally I can, I'm so much more at peace with that feeling now knowing that, yeah, it may be cancer, but at least I know what it is. Yeah. Like, yeah, I can be as frustrated as I want to with the. extreme fatigue and with the feeling like I have vitamin deficiencies and my nutritional stuff and the aches and pains that I get every now and then and all of that. But there is a piece that comes with at least having an answer. We might not know what caused it, but at least I know what it is right now. Right. Which, you know, I don't want to say I'm thankful for it, but like, do you like do any updates or anything like online or with any social media stuff? I do sometimes whenever I feel like I have something to update.

I need to get better at it because I'm also very much like, okay, well, I just, all I did was go and got blood work done. Like, I guess no one wants to hear about that. No, because I know that when I post this, like, especially too, because people are going to want to know and, like, keep up with you. I feel like with your whole process with all of this. And also, too, obviously, if somebody has gone through something similar or knows somebody, I feel like it's important.

So if you do decide to kind of like keep updates with that kind of stuff, feel free to. I can. I can, um. I mean, at least. update me. No, yeah, yeah. Of course.

What I can do, I can give me to my Instagram and I usually keep it on private, but I have no problem opening it up to public, at least until this whole thing seems to even out a little bit. Right. But, yeah, they're more than a lot of them. Yeah, because I feel like even right now, like obviously, like we said, you're still very much in the middle of things. Like, it's so recent. I mean, what, it hasn't even been a full year, right?

No. With all that. Yeah, that's crazy. No. And honestly, like that, I always say this to all my guests. Like, obviously, every single person that comes in the shows should be proud of themselves and never. everything in between and I'm so grateful for everybody that comes on. But with all of this happening

within the last year to you and it hasn't even been a year, like the fact that you're so willing to be open and vulnerable, like obviously everybody deals with things differently, heals differently and everything in between. But, you know, for you to digest something like that and be willing to come and speak about it so soon, that says a lot about your strength and positivity like I mentioned as a person. Like that's not an easy thing to do. You're going to make me cry right now. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. That's so sweet. No, it's true. Like, a lot of people wouldn't be able to do that.

Yeah. I don't know. I just, I know that, um, oh my God. I'm sorry. It's okay. That was so nice for you to say. Well, I mean, it. It's true. Oh, my goodness. You should give yourself credit for that. That's crazy. Thank you. I think that there is a power in sharing your story and it's important to share your story, especially like this podcast and any podcast that sort of let people, just speak, like there is strength in community, like whether you know people personally or not. And it helps people to process what they're going through by talking about it as well. Like me accepting the fact that I had cancer, it was just a lot of me, honestly standing in the

mirror, looking myself in the eye and being like, I have cancer. Right. I am a 21-year-old with cancer. I am quite literally having to, I'm a first generation college student, so I don't know what I'm doing. Like, I'm in college. I have to graduate, figure out grad school. I'm working a job. Like, I'm paying for my own school. college is not cheap, like, and just sort of laying it all out to myself in the mirror over and over and over until I could do it without crying without, like, do it and get through the sentence and that kind of stuff. And you know that you mentioned a really good, a really good thing too as well. The fact that I feel like there is a whole different type of healing and a sense of community, if you do have the ability to speak about it while it's happening. You know, because I do think a lot of people, they kind of have to get through something before they feel comfortable.

comfortable enough to talk about it. Yeah. Because obviously, like I said, healing can take years and years and years. Yeah. And, you know, and that's not to say that, you know, you're just this perfect person that can handle it all. But even though it seems that way. But that being said, you know, there's people that are in the midst of things and they might feel very alone. So, and, you know, it's terrifying. There's a lot of people that I know, not a lot, but it seems like a lot even if it's just one.

But there's a good amount of people that I know that are very young girls or young kids that have gotten cancer or got diagnosed with cancer. And it's terrifying. And it's something that doesn't happen, you know, frequently per se. Yeah, it's isolating. It's very, I'm sure it's very isolating, you know. And I think having someone, even though, like you mentioned, like there, obviously there's so many different types of cancer and the rate of you, what does it consider? I don't want to use the wrong term. Like the mortality rate.

Yeah. Like the mortality rate is super low. Yeah. So, you know, even though that, it might be different than somebody that's diagnosed with a different type of cancer, there is a sense of community and being able to talk to people that are going through something very similar as you. Yeah. You know, because even if it's just online, it's better than feeling isolated or like there's no one else or like, oh, this is so rare. I can't really find anybody to talk to or this is, there's no videos about this. You know, it's just something that's like, oh, it's so.

it's so rare, it's so unheard of. It's so, it's so easy for people to say that and then not, not realize that having a community or people to talk to that are your age, not just a doctor or professional. It could really be helpful. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. The community is so important. And the feeling of, I touched on it earlier, but, you know, looking at someone who's not going through this, like a friend, thankfully, none of my friends have ever had to experience having cancer, any type of that thing. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But, having to tell them that this is going on and there is that pause after of like, what do I say?

What do I do? And it's very clear. It's not like, oh, I'm feeling, feeling anxious today. And, you know,

I'm going through something really tough kind of thing where they're like, okay, like I know what you're going through. Like, we can do this. It is a very stark, like, stop for,

for people to hear it. And I think that doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk about it. That doesn't mean that people don't care. It's just like, you know, even now, me being the, one to have it is like, I mean, there's nothing I can do about it, let alone you, you know.

Yeah. So it's also not something that I would necessarily open with to everybody that I meet, but it is important to find that community somewhere and to not be scared to talk about it. It's also like, you should talk about it. At the end of the day, it's part of the human experience and pain is just as important to the human experience as joy and laughter and happiness is. And I think it in a way does something where, No matter what, obviously, it's a very traumatic and scary experience. But I think that it, by hearing more people talk about it, it's able to kind of dim that large amount of fear that surrounds it. You know what I mean?

When you hear cancer, I mean, obviously it's horrible. There is no dimming that. But at the same time, if you feel like, okay, I have resources to learn more or to listen. It gives you, I think, a little bit more of a sense of peace. maybe around it or like you said kind of how you had to stand in the mirror and be like not that it defines you but to accept it like it helps I feel like maybe a little bit rather than just like having this huge pill to swallow on your own and being stuck in this bubble of fear and confusion yeah no exactly it's it's important to accept it as a part of your story but not to accept

it as it being you yeah like it's the end all be all like because it's not no it's not and I think that's also why when you meet people, most people who have a later stage cancer and who know that they're at a point where this is probably a terminal situation, they're usually so positive as well as because like, it's hard to understand that something as big as cancer still doesn't define you until you're in it. And it's some of the best people that I've met. Oh, I've been waiting to meet her. This is Miss Kitty. Go say hi. Sorry, she is a runny nose. No, it's okay. Me too, girl, it's getting cold outside.

He said hi, Miss Kitty. Hello. But yeah, people with late stage cancer, I've got to meet quite a few of them during this journey. And they are some of the best people that I've ever met. They just, it gives you a new appreciation for life, I guess, is what I'm trying to say, is accepting it as a part of your story, not your entire story. And knowing that there are so many other facets to life to find joy.

And even if you are terminal and even if you know that your time, you know, is not, No one's time is infinite, but people's times are shorter than others. But just sort of seeing that that's okay and that the human experience is not meant to be infinite. And it's meant to have ups and downs and pains and sorrows, but also that it's okay to find joy even if, you know, you are in the midst of something like this, whether it's as serious as cancer or, I mean, everything's serious. If it's hard for you, it's hard for you. but yeah just the importance of finding community and positivity and and it's okay to not like fall into it and be suffocated by it it's important not to be actually but yeah just just talking about it and finding that light I think has been the most helpful part in all of this well you're amazing and it shows seriously and

thank you so much and like I said please keep me updated at the very least yeah yeah with everything because this is like very, this is like, you're in the middle of everything, which is like, it's crazy to me. Like I feel like I said, I feel like it really is rare for people to be able to kind of like put everything aside and be like, yeah, I'm ready to talk about this right now. Like, why not? You know, and I give you a lot of credit for that. That takes a lot, a lot of strength. So great job.

Thank you. Hopefully the next update that I give you is a very positive one. Absolutely. Yeah. No, I mean, like I, I like to believe, like I was saying before, I really like to believe that our mindset has a lot of, I don't want to say control, but has a lot to do with what happens around us. So, you know, obviously I'm thinking of you and praying for you and everything in between. So, of course.