We're All Insane - R*ped By My Uncle for 10 Years

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

#foryou #podcast  Sponsored By: JASPER | https://jaspr.co CODE INSANE for $300 off For the first time, Raven is sharing the story she has never told anyone—about the abuse she survived starting at just 3 years old, and how it shaped every part of her life. She has carried this silence for decades, but now is ready to turn her pain into purpose and speak out for others who can’t. Raven's Links: https://instagram.com/ravenpilled [e-mail] 00:02:14 How is it helpful to share trauma publicly? 00:04:24 What's it like being separated from your biological parents? 00:04:58 What are different ways people remember abuse? 00:15:14 How do abusers threaten kids into keeping silent? 00:29:23 How do kids get left in dangerous situations? 00:35:46 What do parents blame symptoms of sexual assault on? 00:40:28 What's it like when your parents are on drugs? 00:40:63 Do ADHD people have low dopamine? 00:41:46 How do people judge other people who live in a messy place? 00:43:17 What's it like not being allowed to see your own mom? 00:50:52 Why do people abuse computer duster? 00:53:48 What's it like going to a parents funeral as a child? 00:59:57 What are "exit points"? 01:15:49 Does alcohol increase the risk of abuse? 01:20:39 What's it like watching your abuser die? 01:22:07 What are signs to look for to see if a child is being abused? 01:26:23 Should there be a death penalty for people who abuse children? 01:30:31 How does abuse effect your social life? 01:32:00 How do drugs effect a teenager's brain? 01:50:49 How does being isolated as a kid effect future relationships? 01:52:33 How does assuming someone's gender make them feel? 02:00:06 How do traumatic cycles repeat? 02:02:14 Why do we block out shame? 02:12:08 What is a bad trip on psychedelics? 02:19:30 What's it like coming out to your family? 02:29:38 What's it like becoming homeless overnight? 02:36:00 What's it like living in your car? Topics: Family Trauma, Familial Abuse, Therapy, Recovery, Childhood Trauma If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, my name is Raven and I just want to start this off by giving a message to my family. I'm going to be talking about my life and there's like a lot of things that my parents and the bulk of my family don't know about. And there's really something that's going to hurt everyone in this. So I would just prefer if my family is watching this that you maybe hold off on this one because it's, let me just say I'm the happiest I've ever been currently. but hearing a lot of this news since my family hasn't really known about any of this,

it's going to be really devastating to like all of them. And it's sensitive. It is very sensitive, right? So just to my family, like I would prefer you leave this one out. Like, yes, I have a bunch of trauma, but I'm also currently doing the best I ever have, thankfully, which is the only reason I'm comfortable I'll be here. so I feel like it would be unneeded pain for them

you know so yeah to my family just leave this one out I'm I'm doing well you don't need to listen to this it's gonna hurt you more than it hurts me but if you do listen to it without my permission and you go behind what I'm saying right now please don't talk to me about it try and pretend like you didn't because like you know this is all very sensitive and it's very hard and like talking to my family about it's going to be hard so

I would just rather keep it to myself and the only reason I'm actually coming on here to share it is because I want to do some alchemy and I want to change my story into something that was horrible that happened to me and turn it into something that other people can get something out of it you know I want to turn into a good thing because otherwise like I can deal with my story privately of course with a therapist, which I haven't done that yet. So this is the debut. Not even like not even my partner knows a lot of this stuff. So this is going to be the first time I'm vocalizing everything.

But again, like I could do it privately. But the reason I'm not is just because if I do it privately, that's still something bad that happens to me. And it's just, you know, I could heal the wound. But it's not, I'm not doing any alchemy. I'm not turning it into something good. So by me coming on here, my hope is that someone somewhere can get something out of it, fingers crossed. But like that's my only goal, you know. Like I want to turn it into something good for the world that's a net positive rather than just something bad that happened to me.

So that's the reason I'm on here. It's definitely not to share with my parents, you know. I don't want them to know any of this. I just want to turn into something different. So I should start by explaining my family situation probably. So I was born. Well, I have my two biological parents. So I have my mom and my dad.

My dad, when I was really young, I'm going to be talking about this a lot. But he had like a lot of drug issues. And he was like, I wouldn't say he was abusive, abusive. but he was not on the right path. My mother was a little different. I'll talk about her in a sec. She is a great, wonderful person, and she didn't have, like, the abusive qualities

or, like, the drug issues that my dad had. But she also had her own quirks, too. Anyways, point of me bringing that up is that when I was born, more or less immediately, I was given off to my grandparents on my father's side. And so when I did, talk about my parents in the story, I'm going to label my biological father as my dad, my biological mom as my mom, and then my grandparents that I lived with who were like technically speaking,

my actual parents kind of sore that, you know, my grandparents that I live with, I'll just call them mother and father, and they're all on my dad's side. But yeah, that's kind of the family structure. So I was taken away from my biological parents very early. The trauma basically started right away with that. Obviously, like, being separated from your biological parents, even if you don't realize that is causing you harm. As an adult, I've realized that I was missing that connection with my parents because you have, like, an innate connection with your biological parents, you know.

But once you move on to, like, foster parents or grandparents or, like, anyone else, that connection isn't always a loss, but it's probably always at least diminished. you know um but anyways yeah uh the abuse started really early unfortunately so we're just got get right into it um i've heard with like abuse stories that it makes your it changes your memory and it can go one of two ways for a lot of people like a lot of people get in abusive situations and then they block everything out like they just have huge gaps in their memory which i have some of those two. But most of the abuse from like my childhood, it did the opposite for. So I actually have like a really good memory of a lot of things that happened as a child, which really sucks, as well as really good

memory of being super, super young. So my earliest memories were they probably started when I was like one or two, which like most people don't remember prior like three, four. But I started my memories very early. I remember getting rug burn on the carpet. That shit sucked. I remember getting changed on changing tables. What the fuck? Who remembers that? That's so awkward.

But yeah, I have a lot of memories very young, and that stems probably from the trauma, because the trauma started very early. Of course, like, getting separated from my parents, like, as an infant, like, I don't know if you call that trauma, but I'm sure it affected me, you know? But after that, I think there was a number. early memory. And I can't pin it specifically to like a year. It was probably when I was like one or two. I don't know when it was specifically, but I was in the backseat of my car. And it's weird because I remember, like I don't know who was in the front seat. Like it could have been four

different people. It was just two different people, but it could have been like you could have selected four different people and I don't know which grouping it was. So I'm going to, assume it was my mother and a family friend. That's kind of how I remember it, but it could have equally have been like my mom and my dad, you know, like I just don't remember because that memory is so far back. But anyways, I was in the back of the car and I was in my like, you know, a little car seat and whoever was in the front seat, I think it was my mom driving and then whoever was in the passenger seat, but whoever was in the passenger seat, they were, like, screaming at whoever was driving, like, a lot. And they were threatening to, like, jump out of the car.

Like, I feel like I remember them opening the car door, which on the freeway, that's hard as hard to do. I don't know how they did that. But that was probably one of my earliest traumatic memories. There will be more. And then, so moving on after that, the bulk of the real trauma started when I was three. This shit's so fucked up. Oh, no. Take your time. Thank you.

Again, like I said earlier, this is the debut of my story, so I don't know how I'm going to be reacting over this three hours. That's normal. Like, I've just never talked about this. A lot of it could be easy. A lot of it could be really hard. I just don't know. I got this breaking the ice with this is really hard for me. So let's go back to the early memories.

So I also remember like the first two houses that I lived in. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay area. I think we were like the East Bay. So I think the first house that we lived in was around Walnut Creek area, which by the way, my father was working in the bay doing biopharmaceuticals. So we had money. We were pretty well off. So we were able afford like a nice place, which was nice for sure, but that money does not solve everything in your life for sure. But I remember my first house when we were living in Walnut Creek very well. Like I can remember the whole layout. And I only lived there for the first two years of my life. Then when I turned three, we moved not too far from Walnut Creek. We moved to a town called Alamo.

which is just like I think a little bit closer to the bay not really though it's still east bay but we moved to alamone and that's the house where like all the abuse like the really bad abuse began um but anyways we move into that house and my uncle moves in with us too i don't remember why or So is this your biological father's brother? Yes. Okay. Yes. So my uncle moves in and I don't think any other family moves in.

It's just my two grandparents I'm living with and then my uncle moves in. And so my room was on like the second floor of the house in my parents' room. And then my uncle was staying on the first floor. But we also had like a cassida in the backyard. but he wasn't staying there. He was staying on the first floor, there's this room right when you walk into the house on the left. It was like a library room almost, I think, where maybe it was supposed to be an office space. I don't know.

But he turned it into his room and he starts like trying to build a relationship with me or whatever, right? And I don't really remember what like the early stages of that looked like, but I do remember the horrible night that all the shit happened. I do remember what that night was like. and I know I don't remember how I got in his room or like near him or whatever but we were in his room

and he was like showing me the video games that he on his computer right and there's this game called Sirius Sam that he was playing and as a kid like it's a very violent video game so first time you shouldn't be showing that

to a three year old anyways I mean it's an old game so like it's really like shitty graphics, so like the violence doesn't matter too much, you know. It's just like fake blood and everything. But either way, probably not something that you should show a child. So it was pretty clear immediately that he was, you know, being irresponsible. But anyways, he was showing me the video game. I do, I still really like that game to this day and I hate it because he showed it to me.

But like it was fun. And I ended up being like the first. game that I ever played. But anyways, he showed me the game and he was like playing it and like he beat the final boss or whatever the fuck. I can swear on you right? Yes. Okay, cool. But yeah, he like beat the boss or whatever and then oh god, I don't know how it like got to this point after that. But like yeah, he he he beat the boss and then he like got off his computer and he, he like got off his computer and he started directing his attention towards me. And, um,

this is fucked up. So again, I want to reiterate, I'm three years old at this point. And like, you see three-year-olds. They're like fucking this tall. And they're like,

precious little beings that should be cherished, you know? And, and also, like, they were just born into this world. They don't know anything about, like, how all this works, you know?

And just anyone that takes advantage of someone like that is just so fucked up. But anyways, yeah, getting into it. My uncle assaulted me that night. And this would end up being a thing that would repeat for the next 10 years, at least. Um, so question. Yeah. And if you're not comfortable answering. No worries.

Don't. So was he full on raping you? Do you remember? Yes. Well, I mean, there wasn't like penetration there. Okay. So let me like explain. I guess I'll talk about it a little bit.

And if you're not comfortable, don't feel like you have to. No, I was playing on talking about it. It's just hard to get it out. Yeah. So basically, like, what that ended up looking like was that he, I feel like I remember he laid me down on his bed and then he took my pants off, of course. Should we want it? And then he was just, I don't remember what exactly happened the first night, but, like,

he was just touching me. Okay. And so in this room, like, that happened the first night. and I think the first night, like, he was kind of testing the waters or whatever and, like, not really pushing the boundaries. So the first night, like, it didn't last for very long, of course. Do you remember if any of these times he said anything to you, like, don't tell? Yes.

So that, the grooming that I got from my uncle, thankfully, it could have been so much worse. He never at any point active. did like what he was doing was okay. Which I'm really thankful for because I ran into, we're going to get later in the story, but later down the line I got groomed on kick too, like the messaging platform. And those people, they thought everything was okay. So I figured that that's way more sinister. But anyways, he never pretended like what he was doing was okay.

So he would say to me like, hey, you can't talk. to anyone about this because if you do like I'm going to be taken out of the family I can go to jail yada yada yada yada yada and so like I'm a kid and like this is my family members and I'm like oh okay I don't want that to happen to you not realizing even what's happening to me you know like if I knew the full gravity of what was happening to me of course I would have told someone but like I'm three years old I'm three years old so like I don't I don't know better um so I just I don't know I had like some sort of trust with him on that. And also because he was like my dad's brother,

I imagine that familial connection, which this is fucked up. But like the way I talked about as a kid, like I feel like that familial connection with him was just a little bit closer than it was like my parents just because they were my grandparents. So there's like a whole generational gap there. So I trusted him.

And I just like, I was like, okay, you can, you can do whatever you want. Like at the time, like, you don't even realize how it's going to fuck you up. And that's, like, the worst part. Like, if I knew how badly it was going to fuck me up, of course, I would have said, no, get the fuck off me. Stop. What the fuck are you doing? But, like, I didn't know.

I ain't know. And, like, when you're in trauma, especially as a child and you're going through it, like, you just don't know it's traumatic until you look back on it all those years later. Yeah. you know so like the gravity never set in and i just like allowed him to do whatever to me but anyways um it started off with him just touching me which like even as a kid like i knew something was wrong like i knew i was uncomfortable you know um but again he's i'm pretty sure i told him to stop or like I told him I was at least uncomfortable, but like that didn't make a fucking difference.

But he would just do it anyways. So I learned very quickly that like I couldn't fight it, I guess. And also like it was reinforced. I also couldn't tell anyone, which both of these things would end up fucking me up long term. Like we'll get to that part. But it fucked me up very long term because like those things were ingrained in my head as a kid. So growing up, I never felt like I could talk to anyone about any problems. But we'll get to that.

So the abuse happened in that room, like quite a few times. I honestly couldn't tell you how many. But it started off with him touching me, and then he graduated to like doing oral. And I was like, oh, okay, I'm a fucking three-year-old. And that was really uncomfortable, of course. but again, like there was nothing I could really do about it, so he would just do it. I was a three-year-old, so like, who am I to say no? But anyways, at some point he moves out of the room in the house, and he moves into the

casita in the backyard, like the little guest house. And I'm like, oh, wow, now he can do whatever the fuck he wants. I don't even remember how I would get out there. I would just find myself out in the casita at like 10, 11 at night, maybe even later, maybe into the a.ms. Which like kids need their fucking sleep. They need their bedtime. But I don't even know how I got out there. Like I have no recollection of it.

Later in the story, I will explain some of the situations that I do recall appearing in his room. and like how that happened. So I'm figuring it might be the same thing. But at this time, like, I just don't remember how I got out there. But he graduates out to the Casilla and at this point he's like, okay, I can start testing the boundaries. I'm going to try talking about in what ways he pushed the boundaries. But I will preface that.

Thankfully, again, like, I'm going to get to it later, but the monster was in my home, yes. but there are far greater monsters outside of my home. So it could have been a lot worse, but when he was trying to test his boundaries, and it clearly was not fucking working out for him, he acknowledged that, you know, and he stopped and everything that he would test his boundaries for.

He just, he wouldn't continue that, you know. So, again, I'm three years old. I find myself in the Casita at, like, midnight, or like in the AM very, very late. He has SpongeBob on loop on the TV to just keep me distracted or whatever. I don't fucking know. Anyways, like the same stuff that was happening in the other room,

of course, and that place was continuing. But then he would try to push his boundaries. And one of the ways that he tried to do that was like attempting to finger me. which like did not fucking work out at all. And like again, imagine a three-year-old and imagine like doing that to someone like, what the fuck? But yeah, that didn't work out for him.

And like obviously I was insanely uncomfortable and like super pissed so like I shoved him off with me whatever, whatever, whatever. That was not going to happen. And then the other way he wanted to test his boundaries was by trying to get me to blow him. Which again, that didn't work out for him very well. And I'm, I mean, it's fucked up, but like I'm at least thankful that after that didn't work,

it wasn't something that like continue, then that he continued to try and push on me. So as bad as like my situation was, that was also kind of a weird fucked up moment because it felt like, okay, he's respecting my boundaries. is this love, is this family love? So that was like fucked up and it definitely fucked up my brain. Because like I saw that as a good thing. I was like, oh, he's respecting my boundaries, whatever.

But no, he's still assaulting me. So like, it's not a good thing, no matter what's happening. Oh, my gosh. Anyways, the assault would continue on in the casino for some time. And after he tested his boundaries and it didn't work, it would just go back to what he was already doing, which of course I still wasn't comfortable with, but like I couldn't say no. And that was, I couldn't tell you exactly how long he lived in that house with us.

I can't imagine it was very long because we haven't lived there very long either. I think we lived there like three or four years. I don't think he lived with us the whole time, although I'm really not. sure. Do you think that your grandparents had any idea that this was happening? No. So as a kid, I did think that they knew. Okay. And where that came from was that my mother, she always would, well, she would tell me about this kind of thing. Like it was always like stranger danger and she was always like, hey, if someone ever molests you, please tell us. And whenever she told me that for the first time, I don't know why I thought this, but I immediately thought, oh, she brought this up

because she knows. She just wants me to be the one to tell her. And I, like, I, I, I didn't want to do that. Like, if you know, you know, if you know, you should just fucking help me. But I didn't realize that, of course, she didn't know. And the only reason she was saying that was, so I would tell her. But yeah, like, I thought they knew, but they, looking back on it, absolutely. they didn't and that's a big reason why I brought up this disclaimer because all of my family all of my family they all have wonderful memories of my uncle it's it's just me that has horrible horrible horrible horrible demonic memories of my uncle um but yeah uh eventually um we move out because um my father

got he got an offer by one of his like business associates this was weird so we ended up moving at Florida but he got an offer from one of his friends he was like hey I'll let you stay our vacation home if you like take on my company and like you become the CEO and whatever is your company and so like my father being my father he's like oh my God that sounds so great which by the way he was at his other biopharmaceutical job he was like the CFO. So he wasn't the CEO, but like he was in charge of like the whole company's finances. So like he was already used to being, um, a very high member within a company like that. But anyways, so this guy says like, hey, um, you can stay in our vacation home for like six

months if you take on my company or whatever. And so we go out there. and we stay in this guy's vacation home. And have you ever seen the movie The Great Gatsby with DiCaprio? So you know what that house looks like. It was basically like that. So it was, this guy says it's his vacation home, but fuck, Jesus Christ. It was like the biggest mansion I've ever been in in my entire life and ever will be. It's the biggest house I could even think of.

It was the living area or like the hosting area because they did a lot of parties there too. It was this giant living room that had a ceiling that was four floors tall. There was a private elevator. There was a bridge in that area. On the third floor, there was a bridge. There was a full-sized gym filled with equipment. Like I stay that nice apartments with nice gyms and this was like three or four times like the quality. Like, they had everything.

Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder? Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. They had a library that was fours tall too.

it was separated so that there was the ground floor and then there was the second floor which was actually like yeah it was on the second floor it was way high up in it was and had a super tall ceiling just books everywhere um beautiful home Olympic-sized pool so you guys would be living there you're right for six months okay hi guys today's episode is sponsored by jasper okay so i just moved into a new house and if any of you have moved before, then I am sure you can relate to all the new fumes, the smells, whether it's new paint, new furniture, chemical fumes. If you're moving into an older house, maybe it's some dusty air vents. Overall, we just don't know what we're breathing in and that's why I decided to get Jasper and let me just tell you, I am literally obsessed and this is not

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you will not regret it. Your air will be scrubbed clean, fresh, filtered, and you will feel a lot more safer and comfortable in your environment too. And now back to the episode. We didn't have to pay a dime, so that was super cool. And did your uncle come with you guys? So he visited. I also, I have another uncle who's actually like a good person, thankfully. And he visited too and like brought my cousins along at some point. But they weren't like living there with us.

It was just me and my parents. Which by the way, three people in a house like that, what the fuck? Yeah. But anyways, we're in the giant house and we stay there for like six months or whatever and then eventually my father gets the company and we move. And at this point we're still doing like really well off financially. And so we move to Sarasota and we move into the Ritz Carlton, which is normally a hotel.

but you can buy, like, penthouse sweets there. Okay. So my parents got a penthouse, which was also really nice. I fucking loved, loved the Ritz. It was super nice. Like, we had our own private elevator. Like, you walk into the lobby, and then you go, I think it was behind, like, the service desk where the clerk was.

There was an elevator behind it. You walk back there, you go up to the floor, and then it spits you out right in front of your door, like right at your front door. So it was an incredible place. I love this so much. We lived there for a year. This was in 2005.

This was the same year as Katrina, I think. It was four bedrooms. It had a big kitchen. I think there were two balconies. And we were on like the corner of the building. So we had like, I don't remember what walls, but like we had two sides of the building that we could look out through. So it was a really nice place.

And my parents would often like send me down to the daycare because like it's a hotel too. so they have a daycare and everything. But anyways, so we're living at the Ritz, and I had some family friends come visit, and during this time my uncle also visited, like, at the same time. I don't know if my uncle, honestly, like, he could have moved to Florida with us, but I don't remember him doing that. I think he was just visiting, but I'm not really sure.

but anyways we have a family friend and their kid visiting and I don't know how this came about but me and the family friend's kid ended up I'm okay so I'm seven at this point and this other kid is 13 or 14, but we ended up in my parents' like tub in, like, their room. But for some reason, they weren't like, okay, well, if you guys were to go bathe together, put on, like, swim trunks or something, you know? They didn't say that. So it's just two kids naked and a hot tub. And this kid's, what, five years older than me, six years older than me? And so anyways, like, he had already started puberty, of course. So, You can imagine where this is going to go.

We're in the hot tub, and at some point he's, like, talking about how he really wants to know what a blowjob feels like. And this is your male cousin? No, so this isn't anyone in my family. Okay. So this was a family friend's child. Got it. And so I have no relation with this kid. Well, I did know this kid.

I knew them, like, pretty well growing up. Like, we hung out, like, a few times. at least. And I thought we had a really good relationship. Like I kind of considered him to be like the brother that I didn't have. Okay. But yeah, no, we didn't have a good relationship. So you're in the tub and he says that. Oh, good. Um, so he says that, but he, he's like, okay, well, I'll do it to you first. And I'm like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, I'm not allowing that shit to happen. So at this point, I was a little stronger and, like, yeah, having my uncle raping me, sure.

But, like, I don't want another person raping me, which honestly, like, it still happened anyways. So I told him, like, he can't touch me, you know? I said, I don't want you to touch me, whatever, yada, yada, yada, I'll just do it to you. And so he, while we were in the tub, he tried to touch me. And like I said, like, I pushed him off. I didn't allow it. But then at some point we got out of the tub and we went to the bathroom room and did the deed.

And I just kind of like figured like, okay, well, let me just like get it over with as quickly as possible and it's done, you know. So I did. And thankfully, yeah, I got it over as quickly as possible and then it was done. And I was also just a really, really fucked up thing and like my brain like I like I didn't know what was happening you know

and like again like I said like I didn't know the full gravity of everything but also because like my uncle was visiting at the same time I thought my uncle like put them up to do it I thought my uncle was like oh well this kid will do whatever so it was just like oh go go rape that kid um looking back on it I don't think that's the case and honestly whenever he said that to me that he wanted that, I should have been like, oh, well, go ask my uncle. But I didn't. And I just, I just got over with, you know. And then during this time, thankfully, I don't think my uncle was there to assault me.

Like, he just was visiting and he hung out with the other kid. They went down into the theater room. they watched like a scary movie together or whatever. So they went downstairs and like they watched the movie together. So that's kind of when I figured that they were talking about me, looking back on it. I don't, I don't think that actually happened. But they were doing their own thing, you know? So my mind was wandering and that's what I thought.

But anyways, yeah, that person eventually leaves. Oh, you know what? Fuck it. if any of my family is watching this, I can't say their last name, but the person that did that to me was Ashley. Fuck that person. Don't want to say their last name because that's probably defamatory, but I am going to call them out. But anyways, moving on, they go home and they leave, whatever, whatever. And so I go back to like enjoying my time at the Ritz or whatever. So I, like I said before, my parents would drop me off at the daycare all the time.

And like as a kid, I loved that daycare so much. It was so much fun. But there was one day as a kid where I was at the daycare and it was me and like the daycare person alone. And so that was always fun because like I would get more attention, you know, if I was alone. But I remember we went down to the pool. it had a really wonderful pool here and just had a good day at the pool, whatever. But on the way back, I remember

there was like a whole bunch of steps that you had to walk up to get to the main building again from the pool area. Because the pool area was kind of like down by the beach, so it was like level with the beach, but the rest of the property was like elevated, which I imagine is probably for like the hurricanes and stuff. But anyways, I'm walking up and I trip on the stairs.

I trip on my towel. I hit my head on one of the corners of the stairs. And I ended up getting a concussion so bad. There was a welt on my forehead the size of an egg, like dead ass the size of an egg. And I remember tripping. I remember hitting my head. I remember crying. I remember getting to the top of the stairs.

My parents picked me up. and then my memory for like a month after that, I don't remember anything. So that was pretty crazy. I talked to my parents about it and they were like, yeah, that well, like, stayed on there for like a month. And my parents really thought that that's where a lot of my, like, issues came from. They were like, oh, but you were fine until you hit your head. Really, a lot of my issues came from, like, you know, the sexual assault. Granted, I'm sure that didn't help my development either, you know, having such a huge,

brain injury as a kid, like, I'm sure it did something to me. What exactly it did to me? I don't know. But my parents assumed that that's where all my problems came from. I don't, I don't think it is. I honestly don't think it affected me as much as anyone was thinking. But anyways, got through that. That was like a really horrible injury. That was, I think, the biggest injury I've ever had. But anyways, I got through that. And so we're going to rewind just a little bit because I want to talk about my dad this year. But in order to talk about my dad this year, I have to go back and talk about how he used to be. One of my earliest memories with my dad, unfortunately, was a time that he was verbally abusive towards me.

And he was probably definitely on drugs. We were somewhere in the Bay Area still. he had taken me trust himself i don't know where maybe it was like a pediatrician office or maybe we were just going out somewhere i don't know um but he he took me well he would he would take me places like kind of often um but he took me i don't remember where this was just some courtyard but anyways i'm sitting in the back see the car and my dad parks he probably doesn't does his drugs or whatever the fuck. And then he comes to get me out of the car,

but he's also like putting on sunscreen because I guess we were like planning on staying outside. Probably went to a park or something. But he was putting on sunscreen and he asked me to put it on his back. And this was also when I was very young, this was probably when I was like three or something. And I told him no.

Like this was me like trying to set boundaries and trying to learn how to say no, the people, especially people in my family. So I told him, no, I don't want to touch your gross back, whatever. So he starts verbally abusing me for it and he starts yelling at me, expecting me to put the sunscreen on his back. And like, at this point, I'm saying no and I'm sticking with my no. I don't put it on his back. I don't touch him. So looking back on that, I'm really proud of myself for doing that. But the lesson that it taught me was that if you say no, well, you're going to get abused. You're going to be fucked up anyways. So like my no was never accepted. Like,

I still don't think I did it, but like he was really upset about it. Like he was yelling at me. It was fucking horrible. I was definitely crying. And that was one of my earliest memories of my dad. there was another earlier memory where he took me to see my mom and I remember this was again still in the Bay Area my mom was working at some fast food place I think we took the Bart to get there I want to say which is like the train system in the Bay Area but anyways we got off like the Bart and we start walking to whatever fast food restaurant she's working at I'm probably like two or three years at this point, right? And so that was like the last time I remember seeing my mom as a kid, which was really fucked up. But I saw her, she had like dyed hair and she was working in a

fast food place and she was like super nice or whatever. And that ended up being the last time I saw her until I turned 21, which is so crazy. So that was at least, a good memory with my dad. Like, there were some good memories here and there. I remember visiting my dad at, like, his workplace and stuff. There used to be a bar that he used to work at, and, like, they let me in there, even though I was a kid, and I got to sit at the bar and play my Game Boy. So, like, there were some good memories, and it was always when he wasn't on drugs, which drugs are, like, they're a huge issue in my family, for sure. My uncle also, I don't think he ever would have abused me if it weren't for alcohol. I think every time he abused me he was drunk. Um, but anyways,

um, earlier memories with my dad, most of them were when he was high and most of them were like shitty and traumatic. Um, so like growing up, I, I didn't like my dad very much, like not much at all. I would see him every now and again and like my parents would let me hang out with him. They went and let me hang out with my mom, which was so fucked up. They hated my mom. I have ADHD. My mother, I don't know if she's diagnosed or not. Sorry, not my mother, but my mom.

She absolutely has ADHD too. But one thing that comes with ADHD, like ADHD people have, like, extremely low dopamine. And we also have, like, really hard difficulties with, like, you know, just moving around and, like, actually doing. things, like we kind of, we couch rot, you know, that's kind of like what we do. And so one thing that comes with that is that, you know, it's hard to keep up with like cleaning and stuff. I know I have that problem still to this day. It's gotten a lot better for me, thankfully, but growing up, it was really bad. My parents would literally do everything, which did not help. Like, I didn't learn how to clean or how to keep up with myself. But anyways,

She had, I guess, a pretty messy place, and my parents had, like, seen it. And they were just, like, so disgusted by it that they were like, you're not allowed to see your own fucking child. Which is so fucked up. Like, a messy person isn't a bad person, you know? Like, we have a disability. And, like, it's hard to keep up with our shit. No, it's not impossible. And, yeah, if I did grow up around that, it probably wouldn't have been setting the best example.

for me because I need to be the one that overcomes those issues, you know? I shouldn't be like falling into them. So I don't know, just because like, just because she was messy, I think they legitimately hated her. So they would never allow me to see her. I never had a relationship with her. I didn't even know her name until like I ended up moving to Arizona, which, funny thing, the person that reconnected me with my mom was my uncle, the one who abused me. And also, like, a really shitty thing is that my mom, again, just like my parents, she has really good memories of my uncle. And, like, every time I go and see my mom, which I'm actually seeing her in this coming

week, whenever I go home, she's coming to visit me. But whenever I see my mom, she's always talking, like, so good about him. and not my own. Yeah, you know. But anyways, yeah, I was forced to live up, live without my mother, and I don't know why they thought it was appropriate

for me to be seeing my father and not my mother when my, or not my father, my dad, not my mom. But I don't know why they thought it was appropriate for me to be seeing my dad, because, like, he wasn't a good example for me. Like, he was always on drugs, and he was verbally abusive. And honestly, like,

I would have so much rather have been with my mom because my mom is like the most loving person ever. I love her so much. She makes me feel so happy and loved and cherished, you know? And that's in spite of like her issues. Like we all have issues. We're all insane. But anyways, yeah, they would allow me a relationship with my dad who was shitty and like harmful towards me but not my mother, which sucked. And because they would always shit talk my mom, I grew up to also.

like dislike my mom and there was also like some sort of resentment there because like I thought she had like abandoned me which wasn't the case at all like my mother or my mom she uh wasn't the richest person of course but then there was my father who was like CFO of a biopharmaceutical company so they have a lot of money and so my mom like she thought about fighting for me but she looked at it like well these people can probably give my kid a better life than I could just because they have so many more resources. I don't stand by that. I wish my mom just took me. But also, she didn't want to fight for me because, like, they would have better lawyers, you know. So it was kind of like a lose-lose battle for her, and she wasn't

allowed to have access to me or to, like, you know, she wasn't allowed to hang out with me, which really sucked. And, like, I feel really bad for her. And I, I feel. feel really bad. I never had that growing up because I, if any of my family is watching, I'm so sorry. But I really, I did not like my parents I live with. I did not get along with them very well. Like I said, at the beginning of this, like the familial connection with my grandparents was not there, you know? And I see my mom now and like every time I'm even next to her, I just feel so much lighter, you know, like I feel some sort of energetic connection with her, you know? It just feels great.

Like, I, that's my mom. And, like, I know she loves me. And it just feels so good to be around that. And to, like, have love given to me from a parental figure, which I wasn't, I wasn't given a lot of that as a kid. So I really do wish I could have grown up with my mom. But, yeah, I didn't. Moving on from that.

So fast forward a little bit. Like, I'm still having shitty. memories with my dad. He was often when we were in California, he was really struggling with his drug problems. One thing my parents did for my dad was that they ended up sending him to a really nice rehab. They had money at the time, of course. So they sent him to a rehab that cost like $26,000. Like they went all out, got him like the real nice rehab.

did nothing for him. He relapsed immediately. Did nothing for him. But like they were at least trying to help my dad, which like super cool. Moving forward, they don't help me. But they tried to help my dad. But anyways, he can never shake it really fully. And he was constantly having issues, especially when we were in California. And I did not have a good relationship with him. I did not like him very much. but I liked him more than my uncle, at least, you know. And there was still that familial connection there. So it was when he was off drugs, it was nice to spend time with him. And so when we get to Florida, like he moves there with us. He gets his own apartment. And I'm pretty sure at this time my parents are also paying for his apartment. That year in Florida, I spent like a lot of time with my dad.

And he seemed to be doing better, or at least, around me, he wasn't using the drugs. And the time we spent was like, I cherish it, looking back on it. Like it was actually really nice and that was the best year I had with my dad. And how old were you? I was seven.

Okay. So I remember like I would go to his apartment really often and he would help me with my school projects and I remember there was one project I was doing where I had to like make a paper mache snake or something. And like, we made it and it was super fun. He helped me paint it. So he was, like, actually being a father figure for me that year.

He was being, like, responsible, at least around me. And, like, we had a good time. We went on, like, little adventures together. I remember there was, like, this little forested area right behind his apartment complex. And we would go back there and, like, explore and stuff. And we found, like, a rest of machete someday. And it was, like, a little adventure, you know? So, like, I was having fun with my dad that year.

He would also take me at, like, carnivals and, like, other things. And he didn't have a lot of money himself. Like, whenever we would eat, he would literally be paying $0.25 for, like, cup of noodles. It's, like, if my parents were helping him with rent, that's all they were helping him with. But he still had the extra money to, like, take me a Walgreens and, like, buy me a toy, you know? and he taught me how I'll ride a bike that year. Like, looking back on it, like, it was such a good year with my dad, and I'm really glad I got to have that.

But anyways, fast forward a little bit, and we're getting ready to move away from Florida. We only stayed there for a year. Katrina happened, and we were like, yeah, fuck this. And also, like, the humidity. Like, I never want to live in Florida again. A year is enough. But we move away from Florida, and it's just me and my mother.

We moved to Arizona, and we start staying in, like, hotels and everything. So we get to Arizona. It's just me and my mother. We're staying at a hotel. I think my uncle also came during this time, and he was staying at the same hotel. I do remember that. I don't remember him doing anything to me during this time, thankfully, even though he was still in the same building.

And how old were you eight? Probably eight, yeah. So anyways, we moved there and we had only been there for like a couple weeks at this point, maybe a month at most. But back in Florida, my dad's still living there and my father's still packing. And so my dad one day, he goes over to the Ritz and he tells my parents, he's like, hey, I don't want to just use your laundry and go down to the pool, whatever, whatever, whatever. And so he starts doing his laundry and then he goes downstairs to the pool. And he had, he didn't have like drugs on him, but he had, you know, those computer duster cans? Yeah.

The compressed air stuff. That's like a known inhalant. So it is like kind of sort of a drug. But what it does when you take it, I look this up later, it makes you just pass out, like, immediately. It probably destroys your brain cells or whatever too, but it just makes you pass out so it's probably not even enjoyable to abuse But anyways, I guess he might have known that. I don't know, but he ends up getting in The hot tub at the Ritz, which by the way, this is the Ritz and Sarasota So anyone staying up the Ritz in Sarasota, you're about to hear some tea Yeah, my dad gets in the hot tub. He

hits the fucking computer duster and then he passes out and slips under the water. And so this was like real fucked up of course. But my father ends up calling my mother while we're still in Arizona to like tell her the news. Like hey, your kid's dead. And so all I really remember from my point of view is that my mom came in the room and she's like screaming, screaming, screaming at the loudest I've ever heard to scream. And she's like, oh my God, oh my God, your dad's dead. Or, yeah, I think she said, your dad's dead, your dad's dead.

So I immediately like start crying a little bit and start tearing up. And I'm like, oh my God, that's so crazy. What do you mean my dad's dead? But then she's like, Stephen's dead. And that's the name of my actual dad. And as soon as she said that, this. haunts me to this day, but as soon as she said it was like my biological dad and not like my father that I thought was the one that died.

I immediately, this fucking sucks, but I immediately was like, oh, it's him and I shrugged it off and went on with my day. Like it did not, it did not affect me. It would have affected me if it was my father, but since it was my dad and since like most so my relationship with my dad was not good, you know, he was just like, I just didn't care. I ain't care. And like, looking back on it, like,

that really haunts me because that was my dad. And, like, the last year we had together was so good, you know. But he died, and I just, I didn't fucking care. And then, I mean, I come to find out, yeah, I did care. but it would be much later that those feelings came up. Yeah, my dad passed away. He got shipped out here for the funeral, and that was the first funeral I ever went to.

Again, I didn't feel anything while I was at the funeral. And also, I was really young, so kids don't... I mean, I... Process at the same. Right, right. And I think there was also, like, for a lot of kids, there's a lack of understanding about death. which, or maybe there's more understanding, because I was about to say a lot of kids don't understand that

dying is like the end, but fast forwarding to today, I get real deep into spirituality, and that's like what saves me. So just a little note, if there's anyone that's like religious that's watching this video or if there's anyone that is atheist and they're coming to me, trying to find advice, just a four word. Spirituality is what saved me, so if that's like something that you're uncomfortable with, or if you have a religious dogma that you're uncomfortable with hearing other people's viewpoints, this may not be the best video. Or if you're atheist and you deny those aspects of life and you just want to shut them out

and you want anything to do with them, this also may not be the best video. But anyways, I say that, like, kids don't really understand that, like, death is the end, but like looking back on it with my spiritual lens now, maybe they do know that it's literally not. Like life keeps going afterwards. But anyways, also as a kid, like I couldn't process the death or I didn't like fully understand it or like fully grasp it, whatever, whatever. And it also just wasn't affecting me. And through my years, like it really bothered me that it didn't affect me. and like I would go through a few more deaths in the family and none of them ever affected me. And that always like really scared me.

And it wasn't until a friend of mine died recently that I actually was affected. So thankfully, like, I'm not a monster. You know, it was just because I didn't like my family. So it just didn't make me feel anything, you know. But anyways, yeah, my dad dies. my father and like all my other family come out for the funeral but my father has to go straight back home to finish packing i don't know how i can't imagine how horrible that must feel to have to go back where your kid died and like finish what you're doing like that's so fucked up that's so hard

um but yeah after that i didn't have my dad anymore um i think around this time I was also starting second grade. And I ended up going a private school, and I really, really, really loved that private school. Like, it was actually so nice. But anyways, we stayed at the hotel for probably about a year. Like, we were there for a really long time. It may not have been a year.

It could have been six months. But either way, we were there for, like, a really extended amount of time. Eventually, we get an apartment. in Scottsdale. And it was a pretty nice apartment. But I start school and I start private school and I really liked my private school. It was super great.

So I don't really have a lot of complaints about that experience. And then fast-forwarding, like another year, so I would be in like third grade now. We move away from the apartment and we have a house that was being built for us. So we were going to be the very first owners living there. And we actually moved in

while it was still like semi under construction. We move into that house that was being built for us and this would end up being like what I consider to be like my actual childhood home. And so I started third grade and again, there weren't like any major, major issues at this school. There was one kid that I met the year after that would end up like, I wouldn't say messing me up,

but they kind of like put me on a little bit of a wrong path. Yeah. But anyways, I'm in third grade and we were doing standardized testing, like state testing or whatever. And I remember there was this one day, I think it was like the second or third day of state testing. But it felt like just a normal day, you know, any day like any day. But anyways, my father was driving me to school. And up until this point, every single day I had been. driven to school or like driven around period as long as my mom was in the car or my mother um

I would sit in the front passenger seat I would go shotgun but then I wouldn't wear my seat and also like I was a really rambunctious kid and like ADHD so like I was like you know bouncing around all the time and riding in the front seat and bouncing around all the time that's not really a great idea without the seatbelt on especially as a small child again And, but anyways, we get in the car this one day, and it felt like any other day. But when I got into the car, it was different. So I had this very intense feeling. I guess it was a feeling.

I don't remember if there was a voice in my head or what. I think it was just a feeling. But I had this very intense feeling that kind of came out as a voice in the way. I don't know. It was described to me. It said, like, hey, sit in the back seat and put your seatbelt on. and so I had that feeling and I was like okay well I don't know why I feel this way but let me just listen to it you know can't hurt to listen to it and so we're driving a school that day and I'm sitting in the back I'm being very very quiet I have my seatbelt on

totally unlike me complete 180 um and on that ride going to school we got into a car accident so something was there that told me to get in the back seat. And I, now that I have a spiritual lens, this was my first encounter with like anything spiritual ever. And it was actually like, I would say somewhat my activation point or whatever the fuck. Like that was when I realized that something more than what we can see is going on, you know? And now that I have like more of a spiritual lens, I look back on that and I'm like, oh my God, that was an exit point. Have you heard of exit points? So exit points are points in your life where

you come close to death, which doesn't really necessarily mean that you die. Some people do die and there are people that have like near death experiences. They die, they come back. And then they bring back a lot with them, which is incredible. But an exit point doesn't always have to be, you don't always have to die, you know? You're just getting close to death. So I really realized that if I had sat in the front seat and I was doing myself, I was being my normal rambunctious self with no seatbelt on, well, first off, my father would have been distracted, right? Second off, if he was distracted and we crashed a lot harder, chances were I probably would have gotten ejected from the window, like the front windshield. So I'm looking back on it, I think that

was an exit point and I think that was a moment where I could have died. Yeah. So in our life, we apparently, we have multiple and they're not always noticeable like this. Yeah. I have at least like two or three that I've been able to know this, but a lot of the time you don't even notice it. Um, but supposedly whenever an exit point like occurs in your life, that it's not, it's never a bad thing. Like, we all associate death with like this horrible thing whatever whatever um but especially exit points where you don't die usually like me it leads to like a realization of some sort or like you grow in some sort of way because you were that close to death i don't really know how they explain it fully um right there's this one um channel that i listened to named lee harris and he channels a group of

entities called disease. They are the most eloquent things I've ever heard in my entire life, and I love them to death. Oh, my God. But he has a couple books called The Conversations with Disease, and I think in the second book, there's a whole chapter that they talk about exit points, and they explain everything. So if anyone wants a better explanation, I'm not the best source for it. I'm not super, super knowledgeable, but I do recommend looking into Lee, I love him so much. But anyways, that was my exit point, and that was my first brush with spirit, and that would end up changing my life permanently. And that was, like, one of the biggest reasons why I was able to facilitate my spiritual awakening. Because, like, I look back on that, and I'm like, it was just undeniable that something happened.

You know, something interjected and, like, made sure I didn't die that day. Thank you, whoever it was. but yeah that was super cool um and one other thing about exit points if it's a really obvious one like if you almost get into a car accident but like you miss it um oftentimes after it happens you're going to be really energized and the way lee explains it is by saying like well you were so close to the void that now like all this energy got built up in your system and now you have to get out of you so you're like you're shaking and you're just like falling apart which I also that's you know normal response to trauma um but anyways I do remember getting to school and I was like vibrating

but I also didn't care like I I felt okay and that's the other thing about being a child and going through trauma is that when it happens you're like whatever but anyways that was super cool thankfully I did not die that day and I just went along with my year and moved moving on to fourth grade just to touch on that kid that kind of set me off on the wrong path. It wasn't too bad, but we had, because I was in a private school, every year we would typically have like the same few people. I want to say my class was like seven to ten people. Like it wasn't a lot of people and we would always keep going to the next class together. So every year by year, it'll always be the same people.

Maybe one person drops in, one person drops out. But it was a small group, which was really nice. I really missed that. And that was one good thing about private school was that you keep your friends. But anyways, there was this one new kid that year, and, oh, I feel so bad for him. His parents must have been horrible.

But this kid shows up. This is fourth grade, and he's in private school, and he starts swearing like a sailor. And that's when I learned how to swear for the first. first time from that kid. And like I, I really liked that kid. He was a horrible influence on me. Just because his parents were probably a horrible influence on him. But yeah, he was like teaching me only swear words. And because of that, like, I cannot not swear. And it sucks. It's really annoying. That was just like ingrained to me by the really young age. And he pushed it really

far. Oh my gosh. He got expelled. I'm almost 100% sure. He just disappeared. He just disappeared. one day they didn't tell us he got expelled. So I don't really, I don't really look back on him very fondly just because, I mean, there's nothing wrong with swearing, but like, I swear like a sailor. It's too much. It's a little too much. Okay. So after fourth grade, the private school didn't have a fifth grade yet.

So we had to go to elementary and public school, which was a completely different experience. like I got separated from all my classmates, basically, which we all went to the same public school. So, like, they were still there, but it went from us all being in the same class to now us all being in separate classes, which did kind of suck, and, like, I fell out of being friends with a lot of those people.

But elementary school otherwise went mostly fine. Now, around this time, my uncle moved back into our house. I don't remember why it may have been for like a surgery or something. I don't know. One reason or another, he ends up moving in.

And just to talk about that house a little bit and to give you a picture of like what it looked like or whatever, that was another like way too big house for what my parents needed. Like, as I explained before, I was living with just my grandparents, So it was my two grandparents and me and only child, right?

But the house was seven bedrooms, eight bath, and like it was, it was a mansion. It wasn't like the Great Gatsby House like I saw prior, but it was definitely way bigger than you need for three people. Like I don't know what they were doing. And they also bought this house in 2007 and then the recession hit in 2000. session hit in 2008. So that ended up fucking them up. And also the one company that my father ended up taking on the biochemical company that he was given, that he was CEO of. So that ended up basically being a scam. Like it was a failing business already. Like it was already crumbling. There wasn't anything good about it from what I heard. But like he offered that nice

house and like my parents were like oh my god well we could stay here and then i'm going to be CEO and it's going to be so wonderful no no it wasn't wonderful that business was a scam that whole situation was a scam so he got put in charge of a failing business more or less and then we move here we buy this massive house that we literally don't need but anyways my uncle eventually moves in this was probably starting around fifth grade he moved in and ugh this was so fucked up

um so I had at the time I had a a bunk bed right and so it was like it was like a T-shaped bunk bed so that the top bunk would be horizontal and then perpendicular below it

would be the next bunk and then down there they were like shelving on the side and then on the other side of the whole bed there was like a desk with like a computer and stuff So it was like a cute little bed setup. But anyways, the bottom bunk, it wasn't fixed to the bunk bed. It was on castor wheels.

So you can move the bottom bunk around. But I was sleeping in my room in the bunk bed as a kid. And, well, I would end up getting assaulted, of course, because my uncle was back to it. And I, at this point I'm a little older and like there has been at least a little bit of time gap where I wasn't being assaulted. So like I didn't, I didn't want this, you know? And so as like a little kid, I'm like brainstorming ways that I can like, you know, kind of get myself out of it. But without like telling anyone, you know.

And so I had this great idea. I was like, okay, well, the bottom bunks on casters. he can't just come and have access to me if I'm not in that room because basically my parents were on one corner of the house and then my room was on another corner of the house as well as my uncles was on the same corner of the house which that house was so big if I was in my bedroom and like I was screaming as loud as I could my parents would not hear me in their room there's no way but anyways he he basically had full access to me when I was like that right which is fucked up.

And so I'm like brainstorming, trying to think of ways that I can get out of it. And basically my idea was that I wanted to move the bottom bunk into my parents' room. And so that way I could be sleeping right next to them. And I figure, okay,

I'm sleeping right next to my parents. You know, maybe this will be fine. Maybe I won't be getting this. insulted. And so I do that for the next three years as long as my uncle's in the house. I'm sleeping on the floor next to my parents' bed. I have my own bed. It's just like just off to the side. It's on the floor. And so I was like, yeah, this is going to work. No. This is like the most fucked up part of my abuse from my uncle, I feel like, because I, I mean, I, I don't know, I really thought that would work. You know, being next to my parents, why would he be so

ballsy to do something like that? But anyways, I would be sleeping next to my parents. I'll literally wake up in the middle of the night being assaulted in the same room as them, like right next to them. And every time they just slept through it, they didn't know. And I, like I didn't know what to do like I didn't want to wake them up and then like my uncle's right there and yeah so he I literally wake up to being assaulted in the same room as my parents like right next to them and then whenever he felt like oh maybe we should move somewhere else he would just pick me up and take me this room and then of course I would continue to be assaulted in his room and all that I was just so horrible and it happened so many times then that was like really the worst of it it was I can tell you how many times looking back on it feels like hundreds it happened so often and at some point I realized that if I pretended to be asleep it didn't last as long that's often what I would do is I would just pretend to stay asleep for hours while

just being assaulted and you'd finally be done he would fall asleep and the crazy part is that he would fall asleep with his hands in my pants. And then I would just fall asleep there because, like, I don't want to wake him up or whatever. He'll wake up with his hands still in my pants. I'm in his bed. And my parents never, like, saw this or had the connection. Like, they would see me waking up in his bed all the time. And there were even times where I would wake up in the morning and his hands would be in my pants.

And my parents would be walking down the hallway and I had to pull his hands out. Do they know today that? this happened? No. So you never told them? No, I've never told them. None of my family knows. Like, they still have great memories of my uncle. What is the reason that you never told them? They have such great memories of him. I don't, there's a part of me that thinks they wouldn't even believe me. If I were to, you know, go to them with this information, they just tried to tell me, like, no, that didn't happen. That would just devastate me, you know? Because, yeah, it's, It did happen. It happened for 10 years. But they don't see that in him. They see a completely different

person, you know? So like, I just feel like if I were to come back or if I were to talk to them about it, that's just, that's my biggest fear is that they would try and deny it, you know? And that's, I think the biggest reason that I just don't even want to try going through that pain. And my parents, like, they're my grandparents. So they're in their 70s now. Now, my mom has had skin cancer for a lot of her life. And recently, a doctor told her she has, like, less than 10 years to live. And so another part of it is, like, I don't want to fuck up their memories of their own kid. You know, like that's going to be just as traumatic, if not more for them than it was for me, you know.

So how old are you at this point? So this would have been, like, fifth or sixth grade. So what age did the abuse stop? 13 or 14. Okay. Yeah, that abuse continued for quite a few years in his room, and it continued like that, where he would start off the night by assaulting me next to my fucking parents,

and then he would pick me up and take me to his room and continue doing it. So it was really bad during that time, like really, really bad. I was definitely the worst of it. But every single time, like he would do it, like I mentioned before, he was like always on alcohol. He was always like drunk, drunk, drunk. He had like liquor bottles in his closet and everything. Huge alcohol abuse issue.

But anyways, fast forwarding a couple years just to get to where it stopped, we were on a family trip and we went to Vegas, right? So it was me, my parents, my grandparents, my uncle, and I think my two cousins, I don't remember if my other uncle, like the father of my cousins went too. But it was at least, at least that group. And so my uncle in Vegas, like, he was still drinking 24-7, of course, and, like, my fucked up thing is my parents trusted him so much. They got a room, my parents and my cousins, together, and they just, they gave me a private room with my uncle. because they trusted him

and didn't think that he was assaulting me or whatever but he was of course like Vegas is a place to drink he was getting those giant glasses and mixed drinks like the one two foot tall ones and he was super drunk that whole time the abuse definitely climaxed on that trip too oh man

of course on that trip like I'm in a room alone with him him so assaulted every night. At this point, like, whatever, and he used to it. But, oh, God. Like I said, it climaxed that trip. So he would, like, abuse me orally so bad that I had bruising, like, like, hickies. But, like, on my private areas, like, I didn't even know it was possible to do that, you know?

Like it was, it was, it was, it was, it was really bad. Like, it, it just hurt. It just hurt, like, really bad. Um, and really that, that should have been a moment where I finally went to someone, honestly, because at that point, I would have had proof that something was happening to me, you know? But, like, up until that point, like, as I was getting older, I didn't want this shit to continue. Like, I was trying to figure out ways to make a stop.

by like sleeping with my parents and stuff. So like I was, I was thinking about how I can make it stop. And like, it did cross my mind, like, going to someone. And there's actually a case where someone came to me and thought I was being assaulted. But I ended up telling them that nothing was happening. But anyways, I should have just gone to the police and been like, hey, yeah, this is fucked up. This has been happening for a very long time. I finally have proof here.

go. But like, no, I didn't do that because it's my uncle. I don't want, you know, but it didn't matter, thankfully. He drank so much on that trip. He came back with liver failure. Thank fucking God. So that was the last time I was ever abused. That was it. At least by him, not including other people as well come to find out. But yeah, he drank himself to death. and he ended up being, not in a hospital, but were those places where you, like, go to die? Hospice. He was in a hospice place. And he was there for, I want to say, like, six months.

And he literally went into, like, a vegetative state. And he was, like, on life support. And my parents and everyone would always go visit, and they would bring me to, I would never sit in that fucking room. There's no way. I would sit in the lobby and I would play on. the computer because I think they had a computer in their lobby. I would just play little flash games on there. I wouldn't fucking go in that room.

But anyways, fast forward a couple months. He's been on hospice in a vegetative state for like a few months now. We all know he's gonna die, but he's like locked in still kind of alive, you know. My birthday happens and we go by and we visit him. We're like, hey, hey, hey, whatever. I go back, I get my birthday gifts, whatever, whatever, whatever. The best birthday gift was the next day. He finally died and I was in the room with him and I watched him die.

And again, I felt nothing. Like, if anything, it was relief that they felt, you know, which like sucks for family. And my parents looked at me and they were like, they were confused why I, you know, didn't feel anything to all these deaths that were happening. But they didn't really know what was going on. But yeah, when he died, if anything, I felt relieved. I still feel relieved. I don't feel bad about feeling relieved, unlike my dad, where I feel horrible about how I felt.

But he finally died, and that was it. Thank God. Just to bounce around again and to touch on that topic where someone came to me, we were saying at a resort, this was in Arizona, and I think this was actually still pretty early on to when we moved here. It might have been before we even got the apartment, so like when we were still at a hotel, but we started like hotel hopping at this point.

And so I remember it was my parents, and then my uncle got a different room, and we were at this resort. It was a real nice resort. And so I'm at the daycare, and I was like playing with Barbie dolls or whatever. And, well, first off, I was being very violent with those. Barbie dolls. I was like ripping my arms off and shit. Like what the fuck was wrong with me?

But I also ended up taking one of the Barbie dolls into the bathroom with me, which I wasn't even really doing anything with it. I just brought it in with me and I was like, I don't know, I just brought it in with me. I really honestly didn't even think about it. But I guess that probably is one of those signs that people in that position are like trained to look out for. like, hey, if this happens, like, you should report that you should tell someone. So I took a Barbie doll into the bathroom, not really thinking anything about it. And then a couple hours later, like a private detective shows up. And he's like, hey, you're going to come with me.

And so I get into his car and he takes me like this weird facility where they go and they ask me a bunch of questions. And they're like asking me questions like, hey, have you ever been victimized? Have you ever been assaulted? Has anyone ever done anything to you? And so at this time, like, I still wasn't comfortable ratting out my uncle because, like, he had always told me, like, hey, if you do this, it's going to break up the family. Like, it's going to hurt me. I'm going to go jail, yada, yada, yada. And like, I felt so much guilt from that. I was like, I don't want to hurt this person. And I still hadn't processed, like, how much it was hurting me. So I didn't know. So anyways, I don't tell them about my uncle. But I don't, but I don't want to hurt this person. And I still haven't processed, like, I start telling them about the situation with Ashley. And I said he was my brother. And I was like, I think the exact words I said were, oh, yeah, a couple years ago, my brother just did this thing to me. And that's, that's it.

He just did a thing. And that's all I was saying. And they didn't have anything to go off there. Like, I don't have a brother. I'm an only child. And, like, I didn't explain anything. So they were that close. They were that close.

Like I was in the room with someone that could have helped me. But because my brain was like so warped, I didn't do anything. And it didn't help me. And really sad thing that night is that the detective caught me back in his car and they took me back to the hotel. And they dropped me off with my uncle who then assaulted me that night. So yeah, I look back on that and I'm like, they were so close. And it sucks that I was that close and never really got justice for it.

I mean, I got justice in his death, but like when it comes to prayers, death is letting them off easy. Like, I'm sorry. Me personally, now that I have like a spiritual perspective, I'm, I have no fears for. for death, like death is described as like honestly a really blissful place to go to. So to have a predator who praise on you or praise on anyone else to just let them die, that's letting them off fucking so easy. That's not fair.

That's not like, that's not justice. They are, you're sending them straight to peace. Which again, this is going to lead me to a topic about like the law. making and everything on this situation. So a couple years ago, there was some state that passed some sort of law where they were like, okay, all sexual priders, well, all pedophiles, I think it was specifically pedophiles, not sexual priders, get the death sentence. And that's, I just want to talk about that and break that down a little bit because I don't agree with that shit at all. first off so just talking about the psychology of sending pedophiles straight to death so a pedophile is someone who is

victimizing children someone under the age of 18 someone without a developed brain and i've already like explained how you know your mind can be warped and if this is a family situation which most of the time it is. They teach stranger danger in school, but they should be teaching to look out for your own family. Like that's where most of this is. But then you introduce a law like that where you're like, okay, all pedophiles are sent to death.

Now, what do you think that does, psychology-wise, for the child in terms of the child coming forward, you know? Like, you're just putting a kid into a situation where yeah, they're being assaulted, but if they want to come forward about it, if they want to get help about it, they have to carry the guilt of killing someone,

which as a kid, like you don't know that, you know, like I said, I think death is a very good thing. And as a kid, you don't know that. So you just, you would feel so guilty. Like if I knew my uncle was going to die, I didn't go to the police and he wasn't going to die, you know? So if I had thought he was going to die, absolutely not would I go to the police, you know?

And I can't think of other children who would either. Like I feel like a law like that, if the child knows that that's a law, if they know that coming forward is going to kill this person. Like I said, when you're going through that trauma, you don't know how bad it is until you look back on it. So they would have to carry that weight, you know, if they wanted to come forward, they would have to be like, okay, I'm killing someone. And I don't think most kids would feel comfortable doing that. Keep them in the prison system. Like, get some retribution. So I think for lawmakers and anyone else,

like, I know I've talked to my partner about this. And from like anyone else's perspective, if this hasn't happened to you, like that sounds like a great law. Like, okay, fuck pedophiles, kill them all. But it's so much more nuanced than that. And I really think, laws like that do more to protect predepiles than it does to punish them. So I think we should really be careful about like the lawmaking and like what we do in terms of that and like how we how we make laws because I we need to make it easier for children to come forward, not harder. And having a death penalty is only going to be making it harder for children.

So specifically for pedophiles like that's not a good thing to do with anything. I really do think it's protecting. them is probably hiding more of them because kids are going to be way less likely to come forward. That's just how it is. Yeah, super fucked up. If you see any laws like that, don't want them pass. I think that's fucked up. But moving on, so he dies and finally I feel like I have some sort of relief, thankfully.

Let's see, so I would have been in like 9th grade or so at this point. He died in 2011, so that was when I was 13. But anyways, after he died, that's when the developmental issues started showing up. One of the other reasons why I had a lot of trouble coming forward and like telling anyone about all this, like what he was doing to me, was that the other way I was being groomed was that growing up my parents' parents, they wouldn't allow me like have friends. Like I could never go over to someone's house. I could never have someone come over to my house. Like I had zero social life, right? Yeah.

So my uncle filled that role. He was the person when he wasn't drunk that was like taking me out to movies. That was taking me out to like an arcade or like whatever, whatever. But why I still have those experiences, like I needed to keep him around or whatever. So that was another thing that was like really hard was that after he passed, I had no. like social life which not that I wanted to have a social life with him but that like my parents didn't allow me to have a social life with anyone else so that was like what I had and that's when a lot of the the real development issues started so through

middle school I had very few friends the ones I had were decent like they weren't they weren't bad people but I had very few friends and then moving on to high school same deal I had maybe like five or six friends and like again we were never allowed to hang out outside of school it was just an in-school thing but anyways I started getting like extremely depressed during this time and also during this time like I had never had like a real relationship with anyone so I remember I was having issues not having friends and then there was this one person freshman year of high school that I had like a really big crush on and like I had told them like hey I have a

crush on you yada yada yada and they're like oh my god I have a crush on you too yada yada yada but the the weird thing about it was that we also had a mutual friend in this little friend group and she also had a crush on him and he also had a crush on her so it was like this weird freaky love triangle thing. But what ended up happening was that like my crush chose the other person. And I was like, oh, cool. That's so cool. And the other person was someone that like I rode on the same bus with. So it was like, oh man, it was so sad. I remember seeing them kiss right outside of my bus. And I was like so depressed. It was just looking back on it. I was a child. Like, who cares? but yeah I felt so depressed from that and also like not having friends and also like just all the

abuse that was happening to me like all this stuff was just adding up you know so my uncle dies when I'm 13 and then 14 I'm in freshman year high school that love triangle falls apart and this is when I started getting into drugs um so I started off funny enough damn I started off on a deep end. I started off immediately just doing Molly, like at school. And like, I bought it at school and like looking back on it, growing up, I was always like, was that actually real? Was it actually real? Because when you buy Molly, you have to be very careful about who you buy it from. Like a lot of people mix in fentanyl. Some people mix in meth. And if you buy like press pills, don't fucking take a press pill. You do not know what's in that. Always just get crystal.

But anyways, it was. Yeah, yeah, fun. cap. But anyways, I had gotten my Molly pill and it was crystal, so it was real, but I also like didn't know what it was and didn't really believe it, but I was like rolling during class or whatever, which like a 14 year old rolling in class, what the fuck? But anyways, the Molly, I had only gotten like a couple points. I was never like fully rolling. So it was like a light buzz. And when you do Molly, if you don't take enough, like you're not really getting the full experience all of it. Um, so I was doing it in class and I thought, okay, whatever, whatever, it's, it's kind of cool, but it's real expensive and it's like not really doing that much for me.

So then I bought mushrooms. Again, I'm 14. And I'm going to talk about psychedelics a bunch later because they come back in a major way in my story. But I will just put out the disclaimer that children, a developing brain, does not need psychedelics, drugs of any kind. Like, if you're still developing if you're still in school, that stuff is going to stunt you. If you're a healthy adult, you can make your own decisions and your brain and your body is already developed, but you should not be doing that as a kid. That's absolutely crazy. But anyways, I bought like a bunch of mushrooms and I went to eat them, but I didn't know how I wanted to eat them. And I heard online that you could get, this is so fucking dumb. I heard online someone made a sandwich with them, but

the way they made it was just using like two pieces of white bread and honey. And so I was like, okay, I'll do that. I say it's a horrible idea, but looking back, it was the best thing ever happened to me. I ate this stupid honey sandwich with all the mushrooms in it, and I immediately puk it all up, which, thank God I did, because I did not need to have that kind of experience as a 14-year-old. So I did not end up tripping at all from it. I threw everything up. That was fine. So I'm like, okay, I'm not going to buy mushrooms again. That was expensive. It was like 60 bucks. Let me buy something else. And then my plug was like, hey, I got like a lot of weed right now. I can sell you a half ounce. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I bought some weed.

I didn't get the chance to pay for it, but like I had picked it up at the start of the day in class. And whoever my plug was at the time, this person must have been groomed into being a drug dealer because they were really smart about it. They didn't keep anything on them. They got rid of it as soon as we met in school. Like first period, immediately they handed it over to me. That was smart. They were very smart. Me, not so smart. So moving on and pick up the drugs like first period or like at the start of the day in class. But anyways, I move on to third period and that was my science class and I had known nothing about weed at this point. Like I was a little kid, I had never smoked. And like it was illegal, basically everywhere. But I had nothing, or I never knew anything about it.

I had never tried it. And in my science class, I ended up opening the jar that it was in, not knowing that it smells a whole bunch, right? And so I opened the jar and I'm like, oh God, it smells like kind of a lot. And then there's another kid in the class. I was like kind of a goody two shoes and they went straight to like a teacher or like an adult and they're like hey this kid has weed they just opened it up in class um so anyways nothing happens until the next period I go my math class my math class ends and then the teacher is like um hey while I was with one my other friends in the science class and they had the same math class with me and they were like hey you two need to stay after class and I'm like oh oh oh gosh oh gosh what do you mean and

And so we're hanging around. And one of my other friends who was in the class, they were like one of the more popular kids, I guess. But they came up to me and they knew I did drugs and everything. And they were like, hey man, what's going on? Are you good? Are you good? And I'm like, dude, you need to take this from me.

Can you take this from me? And I had like, it was like a big jar with like a half ounce of wheat. Like there was no way they were getting away with that. But he's like, okay. And then I just shove it in his bag. I don't even think he really consented to it. but anyways the teacher saw that and so now instead of us two it was us three have to stay

and so uh security yard came up and they escorted us down to like the principal's office or whatever and then we were all separated and they went through all of our bags they found the weed um they had us make a statement and i made a statement i just told the truth which like i wish i wasn't a rat but i told the truth and i kind of rated in on like a bunch of people because I thought that would help me. I thought like oh if I tell maybe it will be easier on me. Absolutely not. I should have just kept all that shit to myself. But I ended up taking down like five people with me like it was a whole group. All of us got arrested at 14 years old. We all got arrested. I brought down everyone with me like it wasn't just me. It was everyone. I feel

so horrible for that. Oh my God. I feel so bad because that was all my shit and I should have taken the fall for it. But I got four other people arrested. That was fucked. So anyways, they're like, this was the only time I've ever been arrested.

It's the only time I'm ever going to be arrested. Fuck that. That was like one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me. But they put like the handcuffs on me or whatever and, dude, the handcuffs, they hurt. Have you ever had, like, actual handcuffs? Oh, my God, you're so lucky.

Let's hope that never happens. Yeah. When they put them on, they hurt because they're metal, but they cinch them as tight as they will go. Like, it was leaving marks on my wrist. It fucking hurt. And they threw us in the back of the cop car in the back of cop car suit.

Also not very comfortable. Why would it be? It's just, like, a big plastic seat because obviously, like, people are doing shit and they got clean it. So, like, bodily fluids and stuff, you don't want that in fabric. So it's just a big plastic, uncomfortable seat, and I got handcuffs behind me.

I'm just so uncomfortable. But they take us down, and they book us at the police station, and we all have to do, like, fingerprints and, like, eye scans and, like, a bunch of crazy shit. I don't know. They have, like, all my information, probably my genetics, too. So if I ever, like, were to commit a crime in the future, like, I'm in the database. Like, they can find me. so never doing that uh but we we all get stuck in like a holding cell but it was like a solitary holding cell

like it wasn't it was just a room with a door and like there was nothing to look at but we were all put in the same room at least so like we could talk to each other they man they should have been so much more pissed at me and i'm so glad that they acted like everything was okay like Like they make me feel bad for taking down everyone with me. Yeah. Which like that's, that's very mature as a kid. Like if I was in their position, I would probably beat my ass, you know? So it was very mature of them to just take it and to understand.

And I don't know. I feel so bad for all of them. That sucks so bad. But anyways, everyone else was getting picked up. And up until this point in my life, my parents had always told me, hey, if you ever go jail, we're leaving you there. And that's kind of sort of what they did. So they knew I was getting arrested, but my cousins were coming over that day,

and they were like playing in the pool or whatever. And they just let them do whatever. And they just had their fun, fun all day. And then my parents finally picked me up at like nine or ten at night. Like everyone else had already left like six hours prior at that point. So I was the last one there. The cops couldn't even get a hold of my parents. Like they kept calling them.

They couldn't get a hold of them. them. But yeah, I was stuck in that like solitary room for a good like six, eight hours. That was enough for my entire life. I never want to go back. That was so boring and I just, I felt so horrible that day. It was horrible. But anyways, after that experience, my parents were like, okay, well, we're taking you out of public school, which at the time, like, my main issue was that I didn't have friends or like any connections. So for me as a child getting taken out of school was just like really hard you know that was fucked up um and that wasn't like helping with my problems which looking back on it that was the best thing they could

have done like if i was kept in a public school environment even if i had gotten friends i would have been right back on drugs like a hundred percent i would have been right back on drugs as a child which you don't need so i guess they figure hey at least we can keep our kid at home and then they can't touch drugs until at least they're older. So I was in online school for the next three years, and that was like the best thing that could have done for me. And during this time, like, I felt horrible. Like, I was so depressed.

Like, I was desperately needing connection. So that didn't help me mentally. And during this time, too, like, my parents have finally realized that, okay, our kids having problems. So during this whole time, I was begging my parents. was like, please, please, please send me a therapy, you know? And so they wouldn't do it, which going back, like my parents, again, they sent my dad to that $26,000 rehab. So for me to be asking for a $60 therapy session and for it to be too much, like I didn't understand that, you know,

like all my other family, they got so many handouts and I was asking for something health-related that I really needed. And they're like, oh, no, we can't help you. And, and, That's just because of the recession and they were losing a lot of money. Eventually, we would, like, lose the household. So during that time, they were having hella money issues. And they were also fiving all the time, too. But anyways, I'm in online school for three years, and that, like, really detrimentally impacted my mental health.

And I didn't have a therapist to talk to about it. And I was basically being raised at this point by YouTube. And my parents weren't, like, being parental figures for me. we never talked about things. They never, like, talked about my problems or, like, made space to make me feel comfortable, I do that. But anyways, I was being raised by YouTube,

and that was during the time of, like, edgy YouTube when, like, everyone was doing, like, really horrible, horrible shit on there. I was, like, back in the day with, like, Idubs, spewing slurs every two seconds. So that was, like, that's what I thought people acted like. Like that's what I thought was out there.

Because I wasn't allowed to hang out with normal people. I wasn't allowed to socialize. I wasn't allowed to learn for myself what was good or bad. My parents weren't helping me with that either. So I was being raised entirely by YouTube, which would end up really fucking up my social skills, of course. But the one saving grace about this time was that I also got really deep into art. and so I developed my art skills while I was homeschooled.

And that ended up turning into like a super good thing for me. One good thing in my life at this point, like I found this musician. His name is Porter Robinson. And his music at the time, there was this album named Worlds that came out in 2014. It was like the most inspirational thing for me ever. Like it just made me feel like super comfortable. and it was someone that I like kind of idolized at the time. Fast forward to now I don't really idolize people.

But at the time I was like really idolizing him and I started copying like his concert visuals. And me and my friend Ethan, we were making visual remakes for his, for his concert visuals for the album worlds. And we remade all of his visuals as well as like a bunch of people in the community remade all the audio.

So he basically made his tour accessible for people at home. I also ended up making a VR project out of it. Like I had an Oculus development kit at the time. I was like, I'm going to make this into a VR concert. I think that was the first VR concert, like, ever, technically. I ended up, like, showing the company Epic Games, which are the people that made, like, Fortnite or whatever. I showed them my, like, little concert thing,

and they're like, oh, my God, that's so cool. and I sent me a VR headset for free. And I was like, oh my God, thank you so much. And then they stole my idea and used it in Fortnite. Anyways, so moving on, that was the one good thing I had. I still wasn't very socialized, of course. I was still learning everything from YouTube, which was not good. But a few years go down the line and I make, do you know what Discord is?

So I make a Discord server for Porter. and this ended up being like, it's not an official Discord server, but it's like, canonically, it kind of is the official Discord server. So I started that way back in the day, and this was in like 2018 or something. And like up until this point, like I had no therapy, I had no one to talk to. And like I was being raised by all that edgy content. And so when I was in the Discord server, like, it found success very quickly.

Like I think the first like month or so, it had like 400 members or something. Like very quickly, there were a lot of people in there. So I was put in a position where I was overseeing everyone and I was supposed to be like a responsible role model for everyone as like the server owner, but I wasn't ready for that.

Not at all. I ain't know what I was getting myself into. So I had, well, the server kept growing and kept growing and growing and growing. And obviously, up until this point, like, being raised by edgy YouTube and like everything else that had happened to me, I had no social skills and I was still learning how to do all that. And I really was taking on too much of my personality from that edgy YouTube stuff than I needed to. And also, like, that kid that was swearing a lot. And I, yeah, I just ended up being a really awful role model, a really horrible person while I was overseeing that server.

And all of my moderators were always like really pissed off at me. And like they couldn't do anything about it because like I was the owner, what are you going to do? You can't do anything. So I was pissing them off and I was honestly just being really irresponsible and hurting a lot of people in the process. and I was being a bad image for the server. But also during that time, I had the most friends I ever had in my entire life, you know? So that was like, it was very hard because I wasn't ready for it,

but it was also very healing for me, you know? And being able to have friends when I didn't have friends my whole life, It just, it felt so good for once. Like I had people to talk to. I wasn't always alone. But like fast forward a couple years. I keep having problem after problem after problem after problem. The Discord server is still up.

It's very popular now. I think there's like 22,000 members or something crazy. But I probably had like 300 plus thousand messages in the server. Like I had a lot. of the messages and I had a lot of fuck-ups in those messages. So there were a lot of like slurs that they said. There was a lot of occasional like homophobia, which is funny from me, homophobia. That's funny. But like I just wasn't, I wasn't being a good person. I wasn't being a good role model. The mods didn't like me. Even though some of the community members did, it didn't really matter.

Like I wasn't representing the server wall. During this time, This was much more recent. This was like 2018, 2019. But I had found, I started working in public. So this was after I was 18, I was allowed to go out and do things again. And that was also very great because I was able to interact with people in person rather than just online. And so I was working at Starbucks, and I remember there was this one person that came up to me. I was wearing like a porter beanie and they were like oh my god nice hat and I was like oh my god

are you in the discord server and they're like oh my god there's a discord server no and anyways they joined and then we started talking and we hit off real well and then we started dating um but again like I was unsocialized at this point I I didn't know what I was getting myself into and I ended up fucking up a lot in that relationship so at the start of the relationship first off I haven't mentioned it this whole time because I don't like to acknowledge it, but I am trans. And I've known I was trans since I was like 11. And so I've known it this whole time, but my whole life I was repressing it. Like the way I see being trans is just like being gay.

Like you're born with it. And you can either choose to accept it or you can repress it. And so I was repressing it like my whole whole life. As a kid, I used to play on this mobile. app called Grawl and it was like a Zelda MMO type thing. I know on there like I would pretend to be a girl um pretend but I would I would go on there and I would catfish people as a girl which at the time like I was not and that always made me feel so comfortable like I felt so much more comfortable doing that and I met a lot of great people on there who I still talk to to to this day um shout out Leah

Yeah, so that was always a major part of me. And when I got into this relationship, I felt like, okay, maybe it's finally time to be myself because my partner was like advertising themselves as very queer, which they are, but they were being very forward about being queer. And early on into that relationship, I had, I don't remember what the conversation was about, but there was one point where I was like, don't assume my gender, right? And so they ended up just assuming my gender anyways. And they got really mad at me for even saying that, you know.

And that's really dangerous if somebody says don't assume my gender to just go and assume their gender. Like that's super dangerous. It ended up putting me in a position where I was still repressing my feelings, you know, and I continue to repress them. which wasn't right. What I should have been doing was communicating clearly. And in that relationship, that was the biggest problem for me is that I never communicated any of my issues. Right. And that was stemming from the fact that whenever I did communicate as a kid, like I was all shut down. Whenever I talked about my needs with my parents, they were always like, fuck you, we don't care. They never said that specifically, but like that's how I felt.

And so, like, yeah, that relationship was really hard on me because up until that point, I hadn't started my mental health journey and I didn't know how to talk to people. And I didn't know how to talk about my problems at all. So I ended up repressing myself for that whole relationship and there were points in that relationship where they would literally call me the straightest boy they had ever met. And I'm sitting over here like, what are you seeing that? I'm not. But also at the same time, like, hearing that language directed at me kind of personified me in a way. And because I kind of felt like that's what they wanted, I started to, like, embody that persona. And I had developed toxic masculinity.

And I had started getting even worse as a person because, like, obviously I was repressing myself. I'm like, yeah, I should have just talked about it, but I didn't. And I didn't feel like I could at the time, which sucked. Um, there's one time where they were expressing a need where they need, they wanted more like oral from me, you know, in the bedroom. And let me just say that if you want something in a relationship, the right thing to do is to talk about it. The right thing to do is express your need, you know? Um, so if you want something, talk about it. Um, so they weren't in the wrong at all. But I at the time, of course, like, I had been forced to do. Um, so if you want something, talk about it. Um, so they weren't in the wrong at all. But I had the time, of course, like, I had been forced to, do that to people. So it was like whenever that was asked for me, it's not that I felt forced again, but like I couldn't push myself to do it all the time. And I never explained that, you know?

So what they saw was me not following their communication, I guess. Like I was neglecting them. But from my point of view, like I was dealing with all of my. pent up problems that I just was never able to talk about. But anyways, like early on to that relationship, there was another problem where in the Porter Discord we had like a separate channel where some members, not a separate channel, it was a separate server where some members got together a talk outside of the server. And there was one rule that we weren't supposed to tell anyone that the server existed because

we didn't want people getting jealous. Now, this was my IRL partner at the time, and they see me texting on my phone, and they're like, who are you talking to? And so I didn't want to lie to them. So I was like, oh, I'm in this extra server. You can't join

or talk about it, yada, yada, yada. You know, but they end up talking to some of the people in the server, and it was exposed that I exposed them in a way, which I'm exposing them again, sorry. But that ended up causing like a really big

argument and like a really big falling out with everyone in PRD. That was like the last straw for the server because they were fucking sick of me. Like I was being such a horrible person and I'm not going to hide behind that. A lot of the old messages that I said like the really bad ones were deleted. But I can still go back and look at them because we have a bot that like reports the message and it gets sent to a private channel. So I have actually gone through and looked at some of the stuff I said. And honestly, the one time that I did, it hurts so bad. bad seeing my own words. Like, it felt like I was looking at another person.

And it literally ruined my day. Like, I felt like I was going to throw up when I saw that. And, like, I'll admit, all that stuff was me. Like, it was me. I did a bunch of horrible things. I said a bunch of horrible things that hurt a lot of people. And just looking at it, like, from the perspective that I have now, it just felt like a different person.

And I don't know. It was really hard to accept that I was the one doing those things. It was hard to accept that the responsibility of that. Like I was just fucking up a lot. And so they were sick of me. And after I had spilled the tea on the private server, it was like the final straw, more or less. So I stopped having really a relationship in the Port Discord.

I stopped being an ad hoc. Like, I still own the server, but I don't contribute to it in any way. Like, they do their own thing. I do my own thing. And so that was really hard. That was like, wow, I got all of my friends finally, and then all of it was ripped away from me. So that ended up giving me more social issues that I'm still kind of working through to

this day. That was like five years ago. So it's still like a little recent, but I'm finally starting to get out of my social issues. But back to my relationship, like, all of these things happened very early in our relationship. And so what I should have done is, well, A, I should have communicated. That was like the number one thing that I should have done. And that would have solved most of our problems if I just communicate.

But B, I also should have just, if I didn't want to be in that relationship, I should have ended it early, you know? But I didn't do either of those things because I was an insecure little fuck. and like I had nobody else so I was like, well, I have you, even though I didn't really want that person to be in my life, you know? But I stuck around with that relationship through all the problems. And the problems for me never went away. Like all that stuff just got pent up because I didn't talk about it. And by the end of that relationship, thankfully in my life, I have never been sexually abusive or physically abusive to anyone.

that's never been an issue but during that relationship particularly towards the end of it I was very verbally abusive and neglectful and there was also some other forms of abuse too but like

a lot of it stemmed from the fact that I honestly didn't even want to be in the relationship but I didn't feel strong enough to leave I didn't feel strong enough to talk about things and I handled everything in such a poor manner. Like I ended up taking my feelings out on someone, which they didn't want that.

Nobody wants that. Nobody wants for you to be attacking someone because of your repressed problems, you know? But that's what I ended up doing, and I really have a lot of regret for it, and I really ended up hurting that person a lot. We ended up moving in together, and that's when, honestly, most of the downhill stuff

was like it got really bad then I was so horrible towards them and I was always drunk and like I don't get more like I never got more verbally abusive when I drunk alcohol like really sedates me if anything but it wasn't helping anything at all you know and yeah I just I I ended up hurting that person a lot and I really like fucked up their life for a little bit like they were trying to go to school and I was was really jealous that their parents were helping them pay for rent. So I was like, well, they should be helping us pay for rent. That should be for both of us. It shouldn't just be for you. Yada yada yada. Why the fuck would I say that? That's not my place to say that. That's their money. That's their parents gave it to them. I am not entitled to that shit.

But anyways, like I really threw a fit about that because I don't want to spend a lot. of my rent and I ended up like I didn't even realize this happened I made this connection recently I was the reason that they had to drop out of college for a little bit and get a second job just so we could afford to pay for our place to live you know so I ended up setting them back about six months and they had to restart schooling like during 2020 like during the pandemic and man that's just so fucked up. Like, I, I feel so bad for that person and, like, I really should not have been that relationship. Like, I shouldn't have been with anyone. Like, I had so much that I needed to work on. And I wasn't doing that. And I was just taking it out on, like, literally everyone around me,

you know? And, like, looking back on it, again, it feels like I'm looking at a different person. And it's, it really hurts, like, accepting the things that I did. I know I don't, I haven't gone in great detail about everything. But honestly, a lot of the reason I don't go into great detail is because a lot of the things I did, I was so ashamed of. I blacked them out. Yeah. So a lot of the things, like in PRD, there was a time, I want to say it was last year

where I reached out to them. I kind of like explained my perspective from how everything went wrong. But I was making excuses. I was not taking accountability. And honestly, the biggest reason for that. was because I didn't remember all the things that I did. Like, I legitimately have blocked those out. And when I went back to look at them, it made me so disgusted.

Like, I'm scared to go back and, like, find out everything I did and to, like, ask people what I did. But I just know I was a very verbally abusive person. I was a very toxic person. I was just not the right person to be around, you know? And that was so hard. everyone in PRD, like all the mods when I sent that message, they did not take it very well. And I don't blame them for that. Like, I was making excuses.

I wasn't taking accountability, but I just didn't know what I was doing. And I still don't. It's really hard to go back and look at that stuff. But anyways, that relationship continued until the start of the pandemic. Whenever the pandemic started, they moved back in with their parents. and then their parents were like holding them from me, like they weren't allowed to see me because they were so paranoid about getting COVID.

And so my partner at the time was like, okay, perfect opportunity to leave this abusive relationship. So they did. And oh my God, thank fucking God they did because that was the moment that I finally realize all of my issues. That was the defining turning point in my life. That was the moment that was like, oh my God, I have become a fucking monster.

I need to get this shit figured out. So thankfully, they broke up with me. It was really hard because the breakup was during COVID and I was still living in the house, but I was also living with their stuff in the room with me. So I wasn't allowed to move on, you know? So that four or five months was like the hardest of my entire life. It was so difficult. Like I thought about suicide almost every single day.

And I wouldn't say I made like a solid attempt. But I lived in like a ghetto area and I would sit outside in the middle of the night. Like I would wait for someone to like hurt me, you know. So I was ready to die, did not want to be here, felt horrible. Eventually my lease turns up. And like also during that lease, like I was really toxic to my roommates too just because I was going through all this. So, like, everyone in the household was affected. And it really sucks because one of my roommates was the person that, like, got me the house.

And, like, I was never very appreciative of that. I was never like, oh, my God, you freaking house me. Thank you so much. I was like, fuck you, fuck everyone else. Fuck this shit. I don't want to be here. So just to everyone in that household and also everyone that I've affected personally over my life, I really truly want to say sorry.

I've definitely grown a lot. And those were just hard times for me. And I handled them so poorly, so poorly. And I wish I did better. But also, you know, I learned. I learned from all of my mistakes. And now they were really ingrained in me. So I learned really well from them.

So I don't take it back, you know. It was important for me to learn all that. so I don't take it back, but I am deeply apologetic. I really do feel bad for all the people that I hurt. But anyways, we broke up. I'm living there. I hate it. While I was living in that house, because I was like so ready to kill myself,

I fell off the deep end and I was not taking care of myself. My room ended up being like filled with trash. And like by the time I moved out, I was also getting drunk every night, like incredibly drunk. like throwing up drunk every single night and I wasn't eating. I got down to 99 pounds. And I'm 5'5, so that's like kind of crazy. But anyways, I moved back in with my parents and I'm still like really, really, really, really

depressed. I end up going on Tinder and I found my current fiancee, thankfully. And so we got together, but like at this point, I was still like just off the cuff of all that, so I was still really, really, really fucked up. Still drinking all the time. My room, even at my parents' house, was still very messy. It was nowhere near as bad as when I was living on my own. But it was bad enough that they were complaining about it almost every day.

They did not like me having a messy room. But anyways, about a year goes by. My relationship's going really good. I recognized like all my faults in the last relationship and I didn't allow, I didn't allow them to happen again in the same way that they did. So I still was having issues with like being suicidal and like having like, I wouldn't say social issues, but I was still coming off of that like abusive manipulative phase. So there were like minor points where like, I mean, this isn't minor, but like I would threaten to kill myself a lot and my partner was. getting put while my fiance was getting put in positions where they were you know feeling really uncomfortable about that and feeling really worried about me all the time and so I feel really bad

um doing that to them and I was still like you know figuring myself out but eventually after about a year um we or I started doing therapy for the first time and I found my therapist through open path. Open path is like a cheaper way to find therapists. I think it costs $60 to sign up and then you can connect with therapists and sessions are usually like 60, 70 bucks. Sometimes if you have insurance, it can be much cheaper. But I found the therapist that I wanted. I had emailed her. She didn't respond to me right away. Actually, I don't think she responded to me at all at that point. So I don't think she had availability by end up signing up for better help instead because that was when it was like first getting advertised on YouTube. The therapist that I found, I mean, my problems with

Byer Help were that they forced you to do four sessions a month. Like you can't just pay for one session a month. At least back then when it started, I don't know if it's changed now. So it was $240 every month. If you didn't feel like you need all those sessions, it sucks to be you. You're paying for them. Okay. So that didn't really like work for me very well, that business model. But I found a therapist that I liked. Just before all this therapy stuff, I still hadn't like had the strength to like actually start therapy. So where that came from was a quote unquote relapse on my drugs. So for my partner's birthday, this was the first birthday we spent together of theirs. I ended up buying them a bunch of mushrooms because I found a plug. And that was going to be

both of our first experiences with mushrooms. We had never done them before. I mean, I did, but like I never got anything from it. And so we both. both did three grams, which that's a lot. That's a lot. And bad trips are a thing. So we got incredibly, incredibly lucky because it was such a great experience for both of us. I think because it was our first time and we didn't know bad trips were things. So we were kind of like saved by that.

But we had an amazing, amazing, amazing time. And like I basically found God or like I ain't find God, but I saw God when I closed my eyes. It was just like this big whoosh of bright light and like I could hear trumpets, but they didn't sound like trumpets. It was really weird. I don't know. And so I was like, oh, wow, that's super cool. Still at this time, I hadn't had my spiritual awakening, so I didn't really believe in any of it.

But the mushrooms were doing really, really good wonders on me. I had like four or five trips after that that were all three grounds. And, dude, it was so great. It was so great. They were making me feel so good. They were making me feel so comfortable. Mushrooms are great if you're an adult and you really need them for therapeutic potential.

Like, they can do a lot for you. But I ended up trying acid because I was like, let me just fucking try shit, you know? And so when it comes to psychedelic, some people are like mushroom people, some people are like acid people. I'm a mushroom person. I am not an acid person.

I ended up getting gel tabs of acid. and gel tabs are typically like double-dosed. And I ain't know that at the time. Nobody had ever told me. That was my first time ever having it. And so I was alone, physically alone, like nobody was in the room with me, but I had a trip sitter that was on Discord with.

And so I dropped one tab. I'm feeling good. I hang out with my friend for like four or five hours. And I'm like, hey, you know, I'm feeling pretty good. I can probably have the other one. Should I have the other one? And my friend's like, yeah, fuck it. have the other one. Great trip sither. Great trip sither. So I had the other one. And then as soon as the other

one started kicking in, my trip sither was like, hmm, I'm getting tired because at this point it's like three in the morning. And so they left. And I was like, okay, I'll be fine. I'll be fine on my own. Oh, baby. Oh, man. Oh, I was not fine. So they left and within about 30 minutes, And it's like I was listening in music. And I listened to a lot of electronic music. And there's this artist named E-prom. I love him to death. But he has this one song called The Cat.

And like I always wanted to like see if it made sense to me while I was tripping because it's like this super minimal electronic beat. It sounds like robot sounds. Like it sounds so fucking dumb. I'm so sorry to say that. But it sounds really silly. And I was like, okay, maybe on psychedelics, I'll get it. Not realizing the intro is like horrible. sounds. It's like terrible, scary, atmospheric sounds. And so I turned it on and within like 30

seconds, I'm having the biggest panic attack I've ever had in my life. Like I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I couldn't catch my breath and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. And so that ended up being one of the most traumatic nights of my life. What ended up happening was that I was tripping incredibly, incredibly hard. Like, I was, I was somewhere else. I was tripping so hard that I would look at my phone and I wouldn't be able to read. Like, all the, all the letters on my phone, they were turning in as symbols, like, arrows and like alarm clock symbols. Like, you could not read it. It was like hieroglyphics. And that was so scary because I had no one with me. And I was trying to, like, get a hold of people so I could find

a new trips to there, but I couldn't fucking read. Oh my God. And then later on in that trip, there was one point that night that there were voices in my head. And so this was my first introduction, I guess, to like channeling, I guess you would say. Although whatever entity or spirit I was channeling, they were not good. Basically, whenever the voices first started coming in my head, they were trying to convince me to go out on my balcony. And they were explaining like, hey, you can go out on your balcony. You can jump off and you'll start flying. And so there are two voices in my head.

And the way I'll describe it is that these two voices, it felt like I was at a show. And they were on the stage and they both had microphones and real loud speakers. They were super loud. But my voice, me, myself, was in the crowd. So I was way in the background and I could hear these. two voices going on and they're trying to like ease me into killing myself. They're trying to make it seem all nice. And I can hear myself in the back of the room, like in my head and in my voice, I'm just screaming. I'm like, don't do it. You're going to die. Don't do it. But my voice compared to

theirs was so quiet. It was so scary. So I had these two voices literally telling me to jump and they were trying to convince me that it was okay. I'm just going to fly. And what, looking back on it, I'm, one thing that they said to me was that they wanted to show me something, you know? They're like, we just want to show you something. Probably they wanted to show me what's like to die. But then at the end of it, this was sinister and it like fucked me up for like a while. I had talked myself out of not going on to the balcony. Like I was listening to my quiet-ass voice in the background. And these entities or whatever the voices in my head, they got frustrated and they were like, fine, don't even tell her. And so this was really fucked up because to this day, I still have

issues thinking that I actually followed their lesson and I killed myself that night. Like it's still like a it comes up if I'm tripping again so I try not I try not to do those things anymore I just stay away from it but like every single trip after that was tainted and I thought every single time I was like oh my God I'm dead and I can still picture myself

at the bottom of like my apartment complex and it was so weird because I was tripping so hard I like I didn't know where I was and it felt like it felt like it felt like I was in multiple places at once. Like if you subscribe to like multiverse theory or whatever, it felt like I was seeing myself in multiple different universes or multiple different places at once.

So like I eventually was able to wake up my partner and like I was talking to them on the phone not making any sense. And I remember I thought I was in their car. But like I was in my room. But I also thought I was in like eight other different places at once. And it was just like so. crazy. It was just like incredibly strong psychosis. It was horrible. But anyways, I managed not to

kill myself. While I had that entity contact, another weird thing that kind of confirms that that was real was that during that contact, I had my lights on in my room, but the light bulb in my lamp, it burst. Like it straight up blew up when I was freaking out. I don't know if that was because of my energy or the energy of something else, but something overloaded that light bulb and it blew up and when it blew up, like me being so confused, not knowing where I am, I thought I was a gunshot. I thought I got shot and died. And that started a loop where I was walking in circles for like two hours thinking I was in hell. Oh my God. Yeah, don't do acid. Fuck. It was the worst experience of my life. Like even more so no, I wouldn't say even more so than my abuse, but in the moment it was the most traumatic thing

I've ever gone through, you know? And so I was trying so hard to hold on. And one of the things that made me hold on was that Porter Robinson, he was having a music festival, and I think that festival is supposed to be in like three months from when I dropped the acid. So that, honestly having that is a big reason I was able to make it, because I was like, no, I was I have to make it to this event. So that's a big reason I didn't just kill myself that night. But I very well, I could have killed myself. Like that was looking back on another exit point.

Like I very well could have killed myself. But anyways, that's over. And as soon as that was over, I basically treated it as though it was an NDE. Like I thought I died. I felt like I died. For me, my lived experience was that I died, even though I didn't die. And after that, like I realized I hadn't transitioned at this point. I was socially transitioning, but like my parents didn't know anything about it.

And at that point, I was like, well, life's too short for me to not be myself. You know, I could have died last night. So it was the very next day that I texted my parents I lived with. I was like, hey, I'm trans, blah, blah, blah, blah. And thankfully, both of my cousins, they're also. trans so they did all the hard work of like coming out to the family for me so they were my family was accepting of it and they didn't really have any problem with it it wasn't an adjustment period for sure but thankfully because of that experience like i i figured myself out and how old were you when

you came out this was this was 2021 so i was like 22 okay yeah i'm 26 now i started going in therapy immediately because of that trip. And after that trip, I developed a thing called HPPD. It's hallucinogen, persistence perception disorder or something, basically means that you start tripping out without even being on something. And it would flare up for me whenever I smoked weed. I was a daily weed smoker, so it was all the time. I was just always tripping the hell out.

And that was horrible. So I got in touch with the therapist because I thought I was literally going crazy like I thought I was in psychosis. So I got in touch with that better help therapist. She helped. She was the first person to like started to start introducing me a spirituality. So I was having basically after that trip I also feel like my third eye opened. I don't know what that means to be honest. But I was seeing on other people, I was seeing third eyes on their forehead, like flashes of it on their forehead. And it looked just like their normal eyes. Like there was just dead as a third eye there. So I told my therapist and she's like, oh my God,

maybe your third eyes open. And then she started talking about how like I could be a Claire, which is like clairvoyant. And so she was explaining like, hey, do you have like a ringing in your ear? And I'm like, yeah, I do. And she's like, oh my God, that's so cool. Do you ever hear people calling your name? And I'm like, yeah, I do. And all this stuff started happening after I took the acid. But it was really freaking me the fuck out. Like, I did not want any of that. So I repressed it.

But anyways, that therapist was like, oh my God, well, maybe you're a Claire. You should start looking into spirituality, yada, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that honestly, it really helped me at the time. It really helped me at the time. It was very simple messaging, but it did a lot for me. But I was telling my fiancé at the time, And the thing about my fiancé is that they had a past relationship that was extremely abusive. Like, extremely abusive.

And one of the ways that he would abuse them was by using spirituality as a form of manipulation and abuse. So whenever I started bringing up spirituality with my partner, like there's a lot of friction. And they're like, no, no, that's not real. You're just in spiritual psychosis. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I talked to another friend who's an atheist. and I was like, hey, my therapist said this, this, this, should I be following this? Yada, y'all. And so both of those people were like, hey, this therapist is doing you dirty. Don't follow this. This is a bad path.

Whatever, whatever, whatever. So I repressed it. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to follow that stuff. So I stopped going to that therapist. And then I went back to Open Path, where I found the therapist I messaged the first time that didn't get back to me. And so I started messaging her. And this time she does get back to me. that's my current therapist kaisa i love her so much she's done so much for me um but i finally met her and like when i first found her on open path there was a clear feeling like when i was scrolling through like her profile just stood out i couldn't tell you why but i just knew there was a feeling there but eventually i started therapy and when we were talking about like what I wanted to do. I was like, yeah, I just don't want to mess around with any of the spiritual

stuff because, like, my partner was uncomfortable with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every single therapy session I ever had with Kaiser, I love her so much. I'm going to send this whole thing to her because we haven't talked about my childhood, unfortunately. We still have to go through that. But every single session I had with her was immediately helpful. Every single one, it was greatly helpful. So I kept going to her very frequently and I was paying for it myself out of the pocket. Like my parents weren't helping me and I was really spiteful about that like still. And so I was getting my therapy done and a few months go by. My relationship with my parents is like kind of going downhill because I'm still resenting them for not helping me.

Like they let me live in their place but they're not they're not paying. parenting, you know. Um, so I start doing better, but at one point my parents are like still getting really mad at me and they're like talking about wanting to move to a new place, but they're like, okay, we're going to move, but we want you to pay rent. I'm like, well, dude, that's the money I'm using for my therapy. Like there's no fucking way I'm doing that. And up until this point, like I had problems keeping my room clean. As I said, those problems with have been problems if they had allowed my partner to come over, but because it was COVID, I think. I think that's why they were scared, which doesn't make sense. We're swapping germs anyways.

They would never allow my partner over. So the therapy and like not allowing my partner over, I'm like, fuck you, I am not paying rent. And so that turned up, that turned out becoming a really big argument um and eventually like during that argument like I stormed out the apartment and I felt really bad when I stormed out the apartment so I went back to try and make things up and this was just with my mom or my mother basically what ended up happening was that she was well I told her how important like the therapy was was for me and how I needed to keep going and how the money she wanted for rent was the money that I was using for therapy and that I couldn't pay it. I also talked about how I was still suicidal at that time. So I explained that to her. I was like, dude, I'm really suicidal. Like,

I need this money. I can't be doing this. And whenever I said I was suicidal, my mom was like, oh, go do it then. Because she, like, was calling my bluff or something, which is like a horrible thing for a parents to do. And so she said that and I was like, fuck this. And I was like, fuck this. and I walked out the apartment. And she was blocking the door, so I kind of like pushed my way past her. And I don't know if she actually got hurt or she pretended to get hurt,

but like, I don't know. She got hurt or whatever because I was trying to get out of the apartment that I was being locked in. You know, I didn't feel safe. And she starts screaming so loud that one of the neighbors comes out of their apartment and they're like, what's going on?

So at this point, I'm freaking the fuck out. I don't know if somebody's called the cops because my mom is like screaming for no fucking reason. Well, I mean, I don't want to say no reason. She could have gotten hurt, but like if she's blocking the door, I don't want to say fully that she did it to herself.

I can take some responsibility, but you can't lock an adult in somewhere, you know? But anyways, like I'm so scared that I think someone's calling the cops. And so I get in my car and I drive away and I go on my friend's house and that ended up being the last time I stayed with my parents. Like, I just walked away from everything.

I was just like, okay, bye. And so I went homeless. I stayed over at my friend's house for a couple nights. They were on like the opposite corner of Phoenix from where I was working, so it wasn't going to work out permanently. I was working at Ulta at the time, and I was doing like the overnight stocking stuff. We had come in at like six in the morning,

and we just stock the whole day. And I had a boss that was like really, really, really hard on me. So I had left my house the night before, and then the next day I went into work at Ulta. And my boss noticed that I was like really slowing down and like really having trouble keeping with the pace. And so he pulls me aside and he's like, hey, this is so fucked up. You need to get your shit together, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He's like literally, like, scolding me and talking down to me and being, like, so mean and horrible to me. And I explained to him, I'm like, hey, I'm so sorry. I just lost my house last night. He did not fucking care. Not even a little bit. He had zero sympathy for that. He did not care. All he cared about was how quickly I was doing my job.

And so I was like, well, okay. do even want me here? And he's like, no. And so I walk out of the story at Ulta and I text my boss and I'm like, I quit. So now I don't have a job. Thankfully, my fiance at the time had just gotten a new job that week and she reached out to her boss there and I think the following day I got the job there. So thankfully, like, I wasn't job. Right, it worked out. I wasn't jobless forever. And I wasn't staying in like that kind of toxic environment, you know, it just wasn't going to happen. I remember when I walked out of that store, I was so in shock. I sat in my car for two hours. Like, I just didn't know what to do. But yeah, eventually I got that new job. That worked out pretty well. But it was on the opposite

corner of Phoenix from the person I was staying at and like couch hopping at the time. And so at this new job, I like started talking to my coworkers there. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I like went homeless last night. Is there like anyone that can help me? And so one of my friends, Juliana, her roommate was out of the house for like a month and a half of the time. So she's like, oh my God, it's a perfect time for you to ask. You're more than welcome to come over. So I stayed over at Juliana's place for a month and a half. That was really nice. Like I really appreciated having somewhere to go to. It was really relieving, but whenever that ran up, I needed to find another place. Another thing is that at the start of this journey, like when I moved out,

I had a voice in my head that told me I never needed to worry about my living situation. And so I believed it, and I trusted it. So while I was homeless, other than like the first two days, because I trusted that voice, I was never actually worried or scared about where I was going to end up. I just figure that I'd be in good hands. But anyways, after that place, I ask another one of my coworkers and they're like, okay, yeah, you can come stay over. And I stay over at their place for another month and a half. I feel a little bit worse staying at their place because they were very social people and they would always have friends and family over. But I, it was so bad. Like I was, I was on the floor in their living room on a bed and I wanted like a little privacy

for my space, right? So I would hang up a blanket and it basically was like a homeless tent inside their living room and they would keep having friends over and they would have to explain, oh yeah, that's just our homeless friend. So like I felt bad being at their place and also So at the time my fiance was working for Hilton and we were getting hotel discounts to go like resorts for like 40 bucks. So of course we were taking advantage of that. But what they saw was, you know, me not working on my situation and me just living on their floor and going to resorts and having fun and kind of, I'm sure they felt taking advantage

of in some way. And if they did, they never expressed it. But if they did, I'm really sorry. But anyways, I stayed there for another month and a half. And then after that, summer was about to end. The only reason I wasn't like figuring my shit out on my own was because Arizona summers get up to like 116. Like you need a, you need a couch if you're homeless in Arizona. You need somewhere where you see.

But eventually that tried up. So I started sleeping in my car. prior to moving out because my partner was never allowed to stay over at my house. They lived like an hour away from me, so I was like, okay, we have to figure something out. So I had already put a mattress in my car. That being said, my car is a sedan. It's not a van. It's not an SUV.

It's very small. So the fact that I got a mattress in there at all is kind of incredible. But, you know, it was a very small space. but I quit my one job that I got it was at a donut place and I just, I wasn't, I wasn't vibing with it like that's not really what I wanted to do. And I got offered another job at another hotel

and this was also with my partner so we both worked at the same job at the hotel. So I was like, okay, this is way more perfect. I can park in the parking lot. The hotel had a shower for employees. So I have a shower. I have a fridge. I have cooking equipment.

And honestly, I stayed homeless in my car there for about four or five months. Honestly, I had such a good time. It really gives me a lot of comfort because I know if I ever have to be homeless again, like, I can do it. You can do it. But anyways, so that lasted a few months. And whenever that ended, it ended because some things around me were happening that made me feel uncomfortable being homeless.

So at the hotel, there was a person who had just gotten hired. And I didn't know this at the time, but they were a kleptomaniate. And so they had just gotten hired, and they were trying to, like, buddy up with me and be, like, real good friends with me. At some point, like, I started to trust them, and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm homeless, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they were talking to me about, like, my stuff. They were like, where's all of your stuff? is in a storage unit? Why don't you just keep yourself in my house? So I'm pretty sure this person was trying to rob me of like everything, which how can you do that to a homeless person? That's so

crazy. But she was like glossing me up and like being super nice to me and like giving me things. Like she gave me soap and like moisturizer all stolen. Didn't know it at the time. But she was like helping me out and like she brought me an ice pack late one night when I was like hurt with my back. So she was being super nice trying to gain my trust. And at this time I had another voice in my head saying that, well, it said specifically, my partner's name is Tiff, it said specifically Tiff wouldn't trust her. And because it said Tiff wouldn't trust her and not, don't trust her. I was like, okay, that's kind of weird, but I brushed you the side. And I was like, okay, whatever. Later that week, Tiff was like, yeah, I don't trust this lady. And I'm like, oh, that's

even more weird. And I was like, oh, my head told me that. But anyways, fast forward like a week or so. At our job, they were positioned in the laundry room, and they asked to be positioned there probably so they can control their ceiling habit. Because at some point, they started going upstairs, and we have someone in our hotel who goes ahead to the rooms and strips everything, like takes all the trash and the linens out. And she was stripping rooms.

And on the very first day, she was stripping rooms. She stole a kid's iPad and a pair of shorts. I'm sorry honey why do you need either of those things so that's how I realized that well A she's a kleptomaniac and she's too far gone so she got fired immediately and then I was like okay she knows what my car looks like I'm uncomfortable and then it was like two days later this night was the night that I decided I was done I was sleeping in my car and there were these two gay dudes like outside and they were having like extreme relationship issues like it was like they were giving each other ultimatums you know but they were doing it while sitting on my car so i was sitting there without any of my lights on without my tv on just paying attention to these two people fighting about their relationship i felt so uncomfortable because they kept touching my

car and I like didn't know what to do and also while this was going on at the same time there was someone like the month prior who I was really nice to and I bought extra tickets for a concert that I went to just because I loved the artist and wanted to support them so I'm like I'm just go buy extra tickets and if I find people give them out to you sure that's cool and so I gave this kid a free ticket to a show So that came back to bite my ass and he ended up messaging me on Instagram and he was like, oh, I'm so depressed. I'm so depressed. And I'm like, okay, how can I help you?

Because at this point, like I had started my mental health journey. So I was doing much better. Not great. Like I was still having problems, but I was doing much better. And so I was like, okay, let me try and help this kid. And so they're talking to me and they're talking about like all their problems. And basically their problems were that they were in-cell and that they couldn't get anyone. And I was like trying to explain like, hey, you know, keep up with your hygiene, do this, do that.

You know, you have to make people attracted to you. You can't just expect them to like you. And at some point, I don't know why, but the conversation took like such a dark, weird sexual turn. And it was, oh, God, it made me feel so gross. I'm sure. Yeah. And that was the first time I had to deal with that from men before. Because like I've only been trans for like a couple years at that point.

Um, and yeah, it, it sucked. Um, I was so uncomfortable that night and I told our mutual friend and I was like, yeah, this needs to stop. So I stopped talking to that guy, blocked him, never saw him again. Thankfully, the day after I was so uncomfortable by those three things, I was like, okay, time to find a place. I found a place like almost immediately because there's a great trans community in Arizona. There's a place called brick road. It's a coffee shop and they do like, a trans get together every week, and they have a Discord server, and I was able to find housing through that. And so that worked out really well. And then I moved in there. Things were pretty chill, honestly, for a little while. And then we're pretty much caught up to now. I move out that apartment, and then I'm freaking out again because I ain't have a place lined up, right? So I move into another hotel for like two weeks. Oh, thank God. Something, something swooped in and was like, yo, you still don't have to worry because the very first day after moving out, like the night before I had nothing planned. The very next day, I had an apartment. I couldn't move into it yet,

but like we applied for it. We got it. So two weeks later, I move into that apartment. That's where I'm staying right now. It's a studio. And you're living there with your partner. Yeah, with my partner. And we were living at the other house too, but they weren't paying rent. And now we're like official official, just us too. Good. So moving on, we get back to October and we went on a trip to Hollywood, well, L.A. We went to Disneyland and we went to Universal. And that's where I ended up proposing to my partner, which was really nice. I made this cute little ring box that was, oh my God, I'll send you a picture of it and you can include it. But it was like this little heart and it had like swords in it and like, I don't know, it had an eyeball in it. It was so cool. It's

so cool. And when you open it up, it lights up. Like I put electronics and everything in it. It was so much work. But I did it. But anyways, we got engaged and then right after that, like a bunch of weird spiritual shit started happening to me. So basically, I have the belief that everything happens for a reason. I don't think there's anything that doesn't have a causing effect to it. Like, everything is perfectly meaningful. There's a reason to everything. And so during this time, I started praying for the first time, right?

And like, I had never done that in my life. And I was just like, fuck it. Let's just see what happens. And so I started praying and, dude, it was so crazy. My prayers started getting answered not a week later, not a month later, within 24 hours. Like, typically the same day, like they were getting answered. And that was tripping me the fuck out. I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

But because it was working out, I was like, okay, let me try and keep doing this. And now the way prayer works, if your prayer does, doesn't come true, that means it's not something that's serving you. But if you're praying for something that you need in that moment and you really just need help with something and it serves you and your purpose, like it will be fulfilled. And it's not, like I said, it's not next week. It's not next month. It's the same day. So that happened like six times and I kept having like these crazy synchronicities. And finally there was this one room where I was working and at work where I was was praying and then after my prayer I just went on with my room and I like finishing cleaning it

and on the wall we have like a mirror and then we have hooks that you can hang your clothes on and so there were three hooks and each hook had like screws put into it they're all phillips screws but I looked at the screws and each screws were different colors so I looked at it and I was like huh one two three and then I looked at my phone and you guess what time it was. 3.333. So I was like, oh my God. Well, there's a 333 right there. There's a 333 right there.

That's kind of weird. So I left the room and I took note of it, right? And then the way, this was the moment that I had my spiritual awakening and the way that these moments work are incredibly personal for everyone. So the way it happened for me isn't going to happen for anyone else. It's always tailor made for you. So I won't go into detail about what it entailed, but I'll kind of explain what happened after that. So I noted that thing.

I was like, okay, that's super weird. Let me see what room we're in. And so we were in the room 409. And so I was like, okay, let me just take a notice. We go home. We don't get home until like 430. So I couldn't have received any sort of message at 409, you know. But later on, my partner goes to work.

and I want to say it was either 549 or 649, one of the two, I'm not sure what time it was, but I was watching TV basically, and I saw something on TV and I had a feeling, and I was like, is this the message? Is this what I prayed for? And after I asked that, I looked at the time, and it was like 549.

And I was like, oh, maybe the zero, just drop the zero. important. So I made the connection that I was receiving a message on the TV. Well, it came in the form of the message on the TV. But those synchronicity is all lined up. I was like, oh my God, this is like kind of undeniable. And so I started testing it. And this is where it gets so fucking exciting. Oh, my God. So I started testing it. And I'm like, okay, well, you know, a big topic right now, because this was last December. This was just like three, four months. months ago. A big topic then was like all the drones in New Jersey. You remember that, right? And so I was like, oh, that's crazy. And they were covering up something. It's not all drones. But I was like, okay, so are aliens here now? Can I see a UFO? And so, oh my God, I started praying to God to see UFOs. Guess what I started seeing? Dude, oh my God. I remember the first, night I did it. Me and my partner, we were at this place called cider core. It's just a cider bar, basically. It's like military theme or whatever. But we were sitting outside and I was like,

I did my prayer and I was like, please let me see the UFO tonight. And I, this was so cool because, oh God, I'm going to, it's going to sound like I fall off the deep end here, but like I'm not. The way that these things work is that the ones that, the ones that, that I have been interacting with, oh God, it's so hard to explain it. You have like a, they can read your thoughts, okay? So I was staring at a specific point in the sky. I was in Mesa.

I was looking towards Phoenix. And I was like, okay, if I'm going to see any, they're going to be in the downtown area, right? So I was staring fixed at a specific point in the sky. I see one. And I was like, so mind blown. I was like, wait, what the fuck? And like my partner, like,

get a hold of me i was like staring off like in my own world like so excited for it so anyways i i keep doing that and about a week later i start just going outside every night and the first night that i started going outside every night i nc just one i and see just two i saw like 30 of them like they were just going back to back to back to back to back to back to back i have videos of all this Yeah, you'll have to show me. I have hundreds of videos. Oh, my God, they're so cool. So I was seeing so many that night, and I was like, oh, my God, something's happening.

Like, what the fuck is going on? And first off, there's this guy named Chris Bloodsoe who has been interacting with these orbs for about 20 years. And I believe that the orbs that he interacts with are the same ones that I do. And the way that he describes them, he describes them as like spirits. He doesn't think they're like aliens aliens. He thinks they're like angelic beings. I don't really disagree with that.

But he ended up meeting one of them and he calls it like his encounter with the lady. Freaky shit. Oh my God. So the lady that he met was she went by the name of Hathor. That's an Egyptian god. And she also named dropped who is it, Amun Ra? like some other Egyptian gods. And so first off, that connection is kind of crazy. The Egyptians probably knew about all this stuff. But yeah, he had like that experience with the lady. And

apparently just hearing his story makes other people have these experiences. So I heard that story before I had my spiritual awakening. And like that whole month prior to that, I was watching a lot a podcast and stuff and particularly at work. But I had this feeling that, okay, I just need to click the video at the top of my YouTube feed. Yeah. And just keep doing that and just let it feed to me whatever it wants to. And so it was feeding me like all these stories. It told me about the blood soes.

It told me about like DMT hyperspace. And that's where I thought the aliens were at first. But then like it started talking about the blood soes. And then I started getting recommended spiritual podcasts. and then eventually that spiritual awakening happened and like oh my god it was just the coolest experience of my life like I was guided to it yeah which it sucks to say that most people aren't going to have that kind of experience like I kind of feel like I got saved in a way like I was literally guided towards spirituality and I'm sure that helped you a lot with everything

that happened oh my god it's the reason I'm here It's the reason I'm here. When I had that awakening, it was so crazy because I went from having extreme PTSD. Like every time I would smoke weed, I was just like crazy. I swear to God, the next day it was gone. Like, not to relinquish my light. I did put a ton, a ton of effort into myself with therapy and everything too. But it's like undeniable that something was there.

and like something helped me in that moment. Moving into like this spiritual space, the spiritual realm, it's it's given me so much strength, you know? It's so empowering because like what do we fear the most dying, you know? Once you realize that death is not the end, it turns your entire life from a raindrop falling. You don't know where you're going to land. You can land on the street.

You can land on hot pavement. You can land on fire. Now all of a sudden you're going to land in the, ocean. And that just took all of my fears, all of my problems, and it diminished them so greatly. Yeah. You know, like, I felt connected to my soul in a way. And like I can connect with my higher power and be seated in with that rather than being stuck with, you know, my body. Like, I look at this and I'm like, okay, this is a temporary thing. I don't care, you know. I do care. I care a lot. I care greatly. but I'm just here to do like the best I can you know like I was never happy my entire life

I was depressed my entire life and as a kid I planned on killing myself like before I got to this age I never had any intention to see 30 yeah which I'm gonna do it I'm gonna see way longer than 30 but I never had that intention and to just find to find something that gives me so much power and so much strength and like, I don't know. It's just, it's, it's, it makes me so happy. And nowadays, like, all of my problems that I had, it's just like, I wouldn't say they're gone completely. Like, I still have to work through myself, but I'm just doing so much better just by nature of realizing and remembering that this stuff is real. Yeah. You know. You deserve that. Right. I just want to be a beacon of light, you know. I want to show what we,

can be in the face of all of our adversity. And I want to show that, you know, even if times are really dark and even if you really feel like putting an end to things, you don't know what's right around the corner. And you don't, like while you're in it, you feel like it's going to last forever. But it won't. It won't. And there's so much more around the corner than you even know. How was I supposed to know I was going to interact with all these things? Like, you just don't No. Like this world is so special and there's there's so much to explore and that's all I'm here to do. I'm just so excited for the rest of my life, you know? Good. You should be.

And thank you for wanting to come on here and share your story basically for the first time. This was the first time. Yeah. You did a really great job. I am sweating. I am sweating.