We're All Insane - R*ped in Police Custody

Episode Date: July 26, 2026

At just 14 years old, Chris entered the juvenile justice system for minor offenses, where he encountered a trusted county sheriff who would profoundly alter the course of his life. After being groomed and sexually abused, the trauma followed him into adulthood, leading to years of addiction, mental health struggles, and silence. Today, Chris is sharing his story to expose the abuse of power that went unchecked, advocate for survivors of sexual abuse, and prove that healing is possible even after decades of carrying the weight of the past. Check Out Chris:  → Facebook Topics Discussed: → Growing Up in the Juvenile Justice System → Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse → The Lasting Effects of Trauma → Holding Powerful People Accountable → Finding Healing Through Advocacy Sponsored By: → Wayfair | Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to https://Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. On This Episode We Cover:  → 00:00:00 - Introduction → 00:01:40 - How did one false accusation change his life? → 00:03:58 - How did he meet Sheriff Bullock? → 00:05:18 - How did the grooming begin? → 00:07:02 - What happened during the first assault? → 00:10:36 - How did the abuse continue? → 00:11:20 - What happened during the second assault? → 00:15:12 - What was life like at Warren Acres? → 00:17:02 - Why did he keep returning to detention? → 00:19:07 - What happened during the third encounter? → 00:21:18 - How did he cope with the abuse? → 00:25:20 - Why did he begin acting out? → 00:27:03 - Why was he sent back to Warren Acres? → 00:29:54 - What happened during the final assault? → 00:31:12 - When did he first attempt suicide? → 00:35:30 - Why did he keep the abuse a secret? → 00:42:40 - How did the trauma follow him into adulthood? → 00:43:40 - How was Sheriff Bullock finally exposed? → 00:46:42 - What did life look like after the abuse? → 00:52:50 - What led to his next suicide attempt? → 00:55:24 - How was his life saved? → 00:56:38 - What was psychiatric treatment like? → 00:57:42 - What made him choose recovery? → 00:59:08 - How did sobriety change his life? → 01:07:12 - How did he discover the sheriff's trial? → 01:08:10 - Why did he decide to testify? → 01:19:18 - What was it like facing his abuser in court? → 01:27:14 - How did meeting another survivor change him? → 01:29:22 - How did survivors help change New Jersey law? → 01:30:23 - How many victims may there have been?  Further Listening:  → My Father Was a Pastor and a Predator  - OFFICIAL MERCH NOW AVAILABLE - code INSANE10 gets you 10% off for a limited time - Join We’re All Insane Mailing List for EXCLUSIVE Content + Discounts  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Right now, for a limited time, everyone's part of the Buick team, even you. Buick's employee pricing for you event is on now. Get a purchase credit of up to $3,168 on a 2026 Buick Envision. Surround yourself with signature Buick refinement from an available massaging driver's seat to an expansive panoramic moonroof and a stunning ultra-wide 30-inch diagonal screen. Don't miss Buick's employee pricing for you event. Visit buick.com for more details. My name is Chris Cook. I grew up in Warren County, New Jersey.

And I was sexually abused by the sheriff of Warren County, started at the age of 14, 15, and 16. And I grew up in Phillipsburg, New Jersey. I came from a single family home. I just had a mother. My father left early on in life. I didn't really get to know him throughout that time of my life at all. And I do have a sister. She's younger.

and it was the same thing. We had different fathers, though. Okay. And my whole story starts off with. I was 13, and I was hanging out of the house or whatever it was, and the knock comes on the door. And my mom gets the door and everything. She said, hey, Chris, he said,

the cops are here, and they want to talk to you. And this was around November, early November. And what happened was they were asking me questions about a pumpkin. It was mischief night. It was Halloween time. They were asking me about a punkin that was stolen off a neighbor's porch. And I was being accused to steal on a pumpkin. I never stole.

And with that, I ended up having to go to court. The people pressed charges on me for this over a pumpkin. And it was a big punk. I mean, you should see it. I mean, there's no way I was picking this pumpkin. It was huge. And I had to go to court because they pressed the charges on me. And with that, in Warren County, they put me on six months probation.

in the beginning. At 13. At 13. For a punk and I didn't steal. And did somebody say it was you? Like, why did they think it was you? Yeah, the other kids, I guess that stole it said I was with them. Okay. Okay. And we all got charged and we all got put on probation. And we had to pay a fine. I don't remember what the fine was. There was some stupid little fine. But, um, and that was it. That's where my life of crime began over a punk and I never stole. And the one part about that weekend that it was stolen or whatever was actually one of the first times I spent a weekend with my father. And I never got to, I never spent time with him because I really didn't know who he was. And somehow he linked back up with my mother and she said, hey, I want to spend some time with

Chris or whatever. He did. And it was that weekend. And when it came down to the cops coming to the house, stealing the pumpkin and everything, I didn't have the support. Nobody, she didn't back me up. I don't know if it was fear. I don't know what it was from her, but there was no support saying, no, he was with

his father. It just never happened. And with that, it put me in the criminal system, I guess you would call it. And at that time, in New Jersey and Phillipsburg, they had a curfew. I think it was around 10 o'clock. And Phillipsburg, New Jersey, at the time, it wasn't that big of a town. It was a decent-sized town, but it wasn't a big town back then. It was just a blue-collar town. You know, we had industry and stuff like that then. And a lot of people knew each other, one way or the other, everybody knew each other. And with that, Punkin, the cops got to know me.

They knew who I was, where I lived. So there was a lot of times I would get picked up after curfew. Like either I was coming from a friend's house or I was just being a kid. You know, it's 10 o'clock at night. It's really not that late. But they would pick me up. And every time they would pick me up,

they would let my probation officer know that they picked me up. So that would start putting check marks from probation violations. and I ended up having to go back to court a little later because of the probation violations and that's where I started getting a little bit more in trouble with having to go into Warren Acres. Warren Acres at the time was a detention center

in Warren County, New Jersey for juveniles. And with the probation violations, they sentenced me to Warren Acres. I think the first time was like 30 days to be on Warren Acres. And that's where it put me in contact with the Sheriff of Warren County, New Jersey. And his name was Sheriff Edward Bullock. I never stole a pumpkin. And this is where I met the devil.

Sheriff Bullock was the devil. And after court, the first time I was there, when they sentenced me to Warren Acres, they ended up taking me, they come into the courtroom, they handcuff you, they put the shackles around your ankles, they put a belt around your waist, and they put a chain from your wrist to your ankles because now you're a criminal. and they walk you back to the Holden Cell and the Holden Cell is just right around the corner from the courthouse.

So they did that for, I guess, why you waited for transport for the sheriff. And as I'm sitting in there, in the Holden Cell, the sheriff walks in and he introduces himself, he said, you know, he tells me who he is. And he looked, he said, you don't need these. So he took the handcuffs off me,

the shackles and everything, took me out. And he took me out of the Holden Cell, and my mother was standing in the hallway. And this is the one thing, one of the things you'll never forget. There's a lot of things that burn it in your brain, but this is one of them. And it always upset at me every time I would think about it,

or I have to talk about this, the court later on in my life. He came up to me, he came up to my mother, and he said, don't worry, I'm going to take care of him. And you can see that looking in my mother's eyes. She was actually happy that, like a grown-up was finally, like a person of power, authority was going to look over me. Right, you trust that.

And take care of me. It set me straight. Because I wasn't a bad kid. I was just a kid that would run the streets at that time. 13 year old kid, 14 year old kid. Oh, and it just didn't turn out that way. And he ended up, after he met my mother and everything she left, he took me into his office, which is again, his office is actually right around a corner from that too. It was a small courthouse. It wasn't that big of a courthouse. And when he takes you into his office, he closed the door. And he's

talking to me, he's asking me things I like to do. And back then we used to fish a lot. Me and my buddies would run around. We lived right by the Delaware River, so we run down to the river all the time with our fishing poles, and we'd fish. And he would talk to me about fishing and stuff, just different things. And I didn't realize it, but that was his grooming process. I didn't learn the grooming process, really, until later on in life, until I started working through what I went through. Yeah. But he was in there, I guess, with the grooming. And as he's talking to me, it comes behind me, and he's rubbing my shoulder. I'm just talking to me.

I'm not thinking nothing of it. I don't know what's going on. I'm a kid. And that's where it all started with him. He came in with... Then after there, we might have been there. I think about... I couldn't tell you how long we're...

It seemed like forever. It could have been an hour, whatever, as he's talking to me. And he takes me out of there, and we walked down, right out the door, there was a stairwell. We walked down at a stairwell at a courthouse. And we walked into...

And that's where he parked. his car. And he parked the sheriff's car back there that he had. It was an unmarred car. And he put me in the car and he put me in the front seat. I didn't have to sit in the back seat. So he put me in the front seat. And as he starts going on, he takes me to this little spot. And there's a stream. It's actually a little river. They call it the Pequess River. It's not a big river. More of a stream. But he pulls over on this little pullover part. And he's sitting there, he's talking to me about how it's a good fishing hole. And as he's doing it, he slides over to the Passenor side.

It was just a big bench seat. It just went on forever. It was like a big couch. And he slides over. And as he slides over, he starts rubbing my leg. And he starts working his way up to my crotch. And he's rubbing my crotch. I have no clue what's going on.

I'm panicking. I'm a kid. I don't know. And he's a person of authority. I'm sorry? I said, and he's a person of authority. Yeah, and he's a person of authority. And I have no idea what's going on.

Right. And I don't know how long that lasted for either. But he stopped and he ended up, he slid back over and he drove and he took me to Warren Acres. And when he take you to Warren Acres, it's a juvenile detention center. And you got to remember, I'm in there for a punk and I never stole it. I mean, now I'm locked up. They check you in and you do all your things and everything. And, you know, they take you to the back room and they do a strip search.

It's just like prison, I guess. I've never been to jail or nothing like that as an adult, but it's the same thing I heard as an adult. You know, they make you go in, they put your arms out, you squat, you cough just in case you decided, I guess you'd have some up your rectum, and sneak it in. And then they'd give you whatever you had to wear, and that was it. I spent my first 30 days there on Warren Acres, and after the 30 days, and this is the way it always happened. Like, I didn't realize this was a rule until later on either. Like after 30 days, they come, the sheriffs will come for you, but they would always, the deputies would come, and it would be always two deputies. So they would

pull you out, they take you to court, the judge would, and it was always the same judge I saw this whole time. I guess he was a juvenile court judge. And he wasn't, he was a tough judge. He was just a tough judge on kids. He, but I would seat a judge and he, he released me. My mom would take me home. And here it is. I just, a 14-year-old kid, I just spent my first 30 days locked up. Now you kind of got like a little chip on your shoulder, like you're a tough guy or you got an attitude now. And I get back into school and I'm going to school, but I'm starting to have, I'm starting to have, hanging out with different crowd of kids and I'm acting up, I'm running around. I'm just, I wasn't a bad kid and I wasn't a, there was no fights. There was nothing like that. It was just, I was

turning rebellious, I guess you would call it. And it was the same thing. Like, I would be out on the streets, running around and, you know, you're like your friend's house or you, even say if you go to the river, you're fishing and it's late and you come home. And this is where it happened again. Like they would, the cops would stop, pick me up and I'd be put on, I'd get a probation violation. and they would give me the probation violation. And they added up a couple times, I guess. And my probation officer, she was a really wicked woman. She wasn't a happy woman.

She was a mean woman, really. Oh, and she would maybe go sit in front of the judge again. And I would have to sit in front of the same judge of Warren County. He would make it. And it was nothing criminal. I wasn't out robbing cars or houses or beating people up or stealing anything. It all started out with just all curfew violation. And it could have been, they could have saw me a quarter after 10, but it was still a violation.

And they knew me by now, just for stupid stuff like that. Right. So I had to go sit back in front of the judge again. And he sentenced me a little longer this time to Warren Acres. And I think this time was a 60-day sentence. It was the same thing. He was always there. You know, he'd take you out of the hold and cell, take everything off.

And this is the second time. I had no other contact with this guy other than the courthouse. Okay. And this was actually his MO. I mean, this is the way he was. He was a serial pedophile. And he would always sit in the back of the courtroom and study the cases. Like if a kid came in, and he would study if they came from a broken home.

And that's why he prayed on a child without a father figure. Oh, and that's what he did. so but he ended up coming back in to the holding cell afterwards after they put me back in there he took me out and it was again he takes you into his office and now i mean you really i don't know if i really processed what happened the first time when he was just rubbing my legs yeah i didn't understand what was going on i'm just a 14 year old kid so then he takes you from there and it's the same thing he takes you down the steps into the back of the courthouse into his cop car and he gets in the cop car and we're driving to Warren Acres. And Warren Acres is out in the middle of nowhere.

It's actually in the wood. I mean, you had to drive down this country road. It was all trees. And we went a different way this time. And we didn't go past that spot where he was talking to me about fishing. And we ended up going up this road and everything. And all of a sudden he pulls off on this dirt road. And he pulls off, it's like a wooded dirt road. And he's able to park right after he gets in. It's wood. I mean, you can't see. You couldn't see the car. And this is where he takes me in. He gets me into that wooded area. He has me pull my pants down.

And as I pulled my pants down, he reaches, he slides over and he reaches over, and he starts masturbating me and playing with me. And as he doing that, he pulled his pants down. And after he pulled his pants down, he grabbed my arm and he made me masturbate him. And there's a lot of things. things like through childhood trauma that you'll never forget and this is some of them is um

some of the most disgusted and vile noises you ever heard of man make it was horrible i mean he just made noise he stunk he had like a weird smell it was like i don't know it was like between a musty stink smell like maybe he didn't clean up enough after he went to the bathroom i don't know and after a little bit of time he ejaculates after he ejaculates after he ejaculates he throws me a rag he reaches down in the seat and he just grabs a rag off the floor and throws it at me and tells me to clean up and he pulls his pants up he tells me to pull my pants up and he doesn't say nothing he just puts the car in reverse takes it around and it's literally right around the corner from warren acres it's right it's like a stone's throw it's right there and you pull out of there and you go up the road a little bit and you go up the hill and there's warren acres

he pulls in and he pulls in the front by the door he gets out of the front seat comes around gets me and walks me in. When he walks me in, he doesn't say nothing. But he walks in there, like, it's an everyday thing. Everybody's like, hey, Sheriff, how you doing? And his old jolly self. And they take me in, and they take me into the back again. I didn't say nothing because I'm scared, you know.

There's a lot of fear. Yeah. I'm a teenage kid. And this guy was a monster of a man. Sheriff Bullock stood around 6 foot 5, 6 foot 6. and he was every bit of 300 pounds, if not more. He was just a big giant man. There was no fight in me to fight him or nothing like that.

I was just a small, 15-year-old kid, but they take me in, and they take me back into the back. And they do the same thing as to strip search and everything. You got a squat call off and do your thing. And I told the one guard in there that was doing it to me, the strip search. I said to him, I said, the sheriff made me grope them. and the guard looked at me he said shut up you're just looking for attention

and when he said that to me for one your soul just goes blinding just don't know what to do you're you know you're lost and here i told a person of authority man i told a grown-up like this guy did this to me and basically it went on deaf ears with him so they ended up i told them i didn't feel good and they put me in my cell and our cells were there were single cells it's it wasn't in a big place. There might have been 12. If that, I mean, I don't remember. I mean, it was, I know it was where it was and everything. And it was the same thing. It was like a little jail cell.

You had your metal toilet with a sink on top. It was basically the same thing, I guess, as in a jail. But I stayed in that room, probably a good couple days. And there was a lot of crying. There was a lot of, I sat in there crying and just, I didn't want to come out. I didn't want to face nobody. They'd come in, they'd bring you your food and everything. They would check on you. But there was times when they would hear you crying, you would throw the toilet paper in the garbage at the toilet, and you would flush it, and I would flush it a lot. And there was no cameras, but there was a microphone system or something like that. And I remember them asking over to the microphone.

They didn't really come and check to see if you're okay or ask you any questions or say over to me. Hey, everything okay in there. And I'd be like, yeah, I'm fine. And I stayed in there probably a good couple days. And then afterwards, I went back out, and I hung out, and I did what I had to do out there. and it was, Warren Acres was, I guess it was, I don't know what jail is like, but it wasn't like a jail. They had a big gigantic day room.

They had a TV in the corner. By then I'm starting to smoke cigarettes. You were allowed to smoke in there at the time. I got really good at ping pong in that place, but we played games like spades or whatever it is with cards. And you just sit there and you did your time. And in between there, like the sheriff's deputies would come pick you up, take you to court. Like you had to do a check-in, I guess, with the court.

Because it wasn't, it wasn't like this day and age where there was, Zoom or anything like this. It was back in the 80s. And afterwards, they would take you back. I didn't see the sheriff all the time, but the same two deputies, basically always the same two deputies that would pick me up and take me to court.

And like in between the stays at Warren Acres, the same two would take you back. Like it wasn't always the sheriff, but I didn't even see the sheriff all the time. So after the second time, you're like, okay, cool, man, I'm not going to see this guy. Right. So your time comes, my 60 day comes,

and I basically get released. And my mom picks me up and I go back home. And now it's even worse for me, man. I'm running around. I'm just acting up. I'm just really confused. Now it's going a little like to me. Now I'm roughly about 14, 15 years old.

And I got a really big chip on my shoulder for life, man. I started skipping school all the time. I would just disappear. And I'm the same thing. My mom would call the cops. I had Chris ran away or whatever. And the cops will find me. picked me up. But every time they took

my probation officer, it was the same woman I had the whole time. And I don't know what it was. Warren County, New Jersey, sort of a corrupt county in a way with certain things. It was really, I don't know if it was politically driven from what I found out and when I learned, but it was always just the same

group of people. And she would take me back to court, and I had to sit in front of a judge. But I would just, I still wasn't doing nothing crazy. I mean, there was a couple stupid things, but nothing crazy, nothing old criminal, except basically getting caught out after 10 o'clock at night. And now you're getting older in life.

You're a 15-year-old kid. You're riding your bike all over the place. You're disappearing. And again, I'd have to go back to court because my probation officer gave me to probation violations. So I ended up going back again, and it was the same judge. And this time, every time he would make your stays a little long. longer. You know, I don't know if it was just a teacher lesson, hopefully, but nobody ever talked to you like that.

Like, hey, man, what's going on? There was none of that. There was none of that. Like, nobody, there was no, even with the school, they didn't ask what was going on. Hey, why aren't you coming to school? Right, like the root issue of it. Yeah. And I didn't have grade issues.

I mean, my grades were good in school. I was a good student in school. I just, it was hard to get me to go there. You know, it just was hard to get me to go to school. and this time I violated my probation again, so I sit in front of the judge. He extends it another 30 days. So now I'm back at Warren Acres again.

Going back after court, they handcuff you, they take you back to the hold and cell, and here comes Sheriff Bullock again, and this is the third time. So he comes in, and he comes into the holding cell, and he takes you and takes you back into his office. And this time he's giving me cigarettes,

because you're allowed to smoke in the stairwells at the courthouse. So before we left, he was like, here, have a couple of cigarettes. He'd lead you down at the bottom of the stairs, put you in the front seat of his car again. And the thing like I learned a little later on in life is like it was actually the rules. They couldn't do that alone. They always had to have two. Even back then in the 80s, they couldn't be alone. But he was.

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Ready to upgrade your home for less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. So this time, it's the same thing. Now, we get in the car. I don't say nothing. I mean, I'm as quiet as probably as could be. I'm afraid of this guy. I'm terrified. That's what I was going to ask, did he ever try to have conversations with you at all? There was just, like what, what do you mean? Just like try to conversate, talk about, ask you any questions or anything like that. Basically, just stupid stuff.

There was really nothing meaningful out of it. Not like getting your life together. Yeah. No, because he wanted you to be there. He wanted the kids to be there because this game, his access, he needed. I mean, he was just a dirty, devious person. You know, and he was to, he sat in a right spot for that position for what he did. Yeah.

For the way he was. He was just an evil man. and we go we get in a car we're driving and we're driving up that whiny country road it's just a two-lane road nothing but trees and wood and we pull back into the same spot now your heart's into your stomach yeah you're scared it was the same thing and it wasn't he didn't scream he wasn't a screamer but he was forceful and he was a big man like i said he was a gigantic man and you're just a kid so he had the same thing he had me remove my pants he slid over he pulled him his pants down. And it was the same thing. He started playing with you. And he would force your

hand over to you and he'd start making you masturbate him again. And it was the same thing with the sick, disgusted noises and the smells and just the creepiness. The one thing about the sheriff is like, I'd never seen a gun. Like a lot of people said he did carry a gun. I don't know if he put it somewhere before he went for the car ride or whatever. I just never seen a physical gun on him. And he always had this big goofy cowboy hat on. And he always took it all up before he got in the car. And it's the same thing. He's got you over.

He's making you masturbate him. And he kind of the same thing. When he has the ejaculation, he reaches down and throws you a rag again. It has you clean up, slides over, has you pull your pants up, he pulls it against stress. And he drives up. And it's the same thing. He goes in there, like nothing happened. Yeah.

He never once told me never to tell nobody. Yeah, so I was going to ask you. And that's the thing. like, I didn't realize this. When this is happening, you think you're the only one that's happening to. I didn't realize it was a thing. So he brings you up to Warren Acres. He does it take.

He parks in the front, comes around, removes you from the car, walks you, and signs you. And this time, when I go back and do the strip search, I'm not saying nothing to nobody because I didn't, I wasn't going to tell nobody again. Because I didn't get listened to. No, I was kind of ignored. I was told to shut up. You're just looking for attention. Right.

As if they would believe you over him. Right. Yeah. Right. And you ended up doing what you had to do, and I did my time there. And by this time, I was thrown out of the Phillipsburg High School because of my group just not going, and they basically expelled me. And the court sentenced me, not sentenced me, they made me go to this program.

It was called New Jersey Youth Corps. And New Jersey Youth Corps was a program to basically learn and get your GED and get a GED and continue on in life because I'm 15. I'm not going to school. I think you're allowed to get a GED when you're saying. 16. But this is like a pre-classes and everything for it. And I don't really remember a whole lot of schooling. I remember they took you to places and they used to have you like sand floors for refinishing floors of a building and clean up and just do stuff on a construction site for certain

properties they had there. You know, but I sit there and in between you go back. Because the courts check in on you and see how you're doing and everything. And they didn't come to you. They took you to them. So it was always the same deputies. The one was like this red-headed guy, and the other was another guy, I forget. But they take you back. And it was always the same, too. In between.

I really didn't have a lot of interactions with the sheriff except the times I was sentenced to Warren Nakers. You know, there was no in-between. It's like he didn't come and pick me up. Yeah. So the time goes through. I get out of there. And now it's even worse.

Like I'm disappearing. When I get out of there, I get released. is worse. Like, I'm disappearing. I'm learning about partying. I'm not much of a party or a drinker. I'm learning about girls, you know, I mean, but I wasn't super sexually active yet at the time. I was more confused now. Like, what in the world's going on here?

And I'm not going to tell nobody. I'm not going to, I'm not telling nobody. The New Jersey Youth Corps was sending a van to your house and pick you up and take you to the place you had to go for this education, which wasn't much. But it's the same thing. I'm running around. And there's a couple little glitches here. And the one time we did go to a friend's house and we went to see if he was home he wasn't home so we went

in there and knocked on the door over in the house yelling for him and everything he's not there so we ended up just taking his BB guns oh and i get caught later on in time like with a 22 shell i think it was whatever it was a kid a friend of mine threw it in a fire we had a fire a little campfire going on and you have thrown his 22 shell on the fire i ran up and told a neighbor that what he did is an older person and they came down and got put the fire out got that shell and got that shell out of there and they ended up calling the cops and between that them calling the cops because of the 22 shell and asking us where we got it and it was the same thing it was just a lot of violations it was just stupid violations like curfew and just running away and it got some of it was a cat and mouse game now

with the cops because every time I would see a cop I'd run you know to try to get away but I never got away and it seemed they always catch you and it was a crazy teenage life because I just didn't know I didn't have no direction I didn't have a father this was happening in a me. I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't a kid that was really looking for prison or nothing like that. It's just, it's hard to explain sometimes when you talk about it. So now it comes up. I'm around 16. And I have to go back to court for the probation violations and everything with the 22 shell, the running away to disappear, trying to elude the police from just stupid runs. And they take me back and they sentenced me to a longer sentence this time.

And I got sentenced to, I think it was like 120 days. They kept stretching it out. And every time they had stretched it out, it would extend you to probation. Now I'm up and I'm 16, and my probation's even longer. So I ended up going to court, the same thing, the judge sentenced me to Warren Acres,

and he extends it this time to 120 days. And there's a couple other juvenile detention centers in the state of New Jersey. and one was a place called Jamesburg. And this judge used to, and Jamesburg was really for really troubled kids. Like really people breaking in houses, I don't know what it was. It was a hardcore detention center. And he always would hang that over everybody's head like a suspended sentence to Jamesburg.

Yeah. And he mentioned it, but I don't know if he actually did it to me. But he sentenced me back to Warren Acres for another 120 days or whatever that was. and again it's the same this is it like i said every time i had interactions with the sheriff it was when i was sentenced and he would take me they would take me back to the hold and cell this time he brings you into his office he takes you out of the stairwell and it's the same thing there's not a whole lot of conversations not nothing like hey you got to get your life together there's no there was no pro talk yeah like guidance or anything there was no guidance at all there was

nothing. This time he takes me down and we drive down the country winding road and we pull off on that dirt road. But this time we pull off of the dirt road. We didn't stop at the same spot we stopped at the first previous times. He took me down a little further. And it was weird because I never even knew this was back there. It was like another little wooded section with a little dirt road. And he took you a little further down and there's a pond. I was like, you got to be kidding me. There's a pond. It was just like, it was weird. But this time, he has you remove your pants. And as you're doing that, this time he got out of the car.

And he never did. He never got out of the car. He always stayed in the car. He got out of the car, went around, opened the door. And he opened the door and he pulled me out. He pulled me out. And he brought me to the back of the car. This time, he's got his pants down.

And he's not making me masturbate him. He's playing with himself. but as he's playing with himself, he ended up sticking his finger in my ass, and it scared me. I started crying. I was crying. I was scared to death.

I never had anything. Like, I'm scared. Yeah. And after that, he tried to stick his, he tried to inally rape me. And he had me, like I said, he was a monster. And he had me on the back of the car. And I'm screaming.

I'm panicking. I'm yelling. I'm crying like a baby. I'm just sobbing because I have no clue what's going on. I'm full of fear. and I don't know what it was but he wasn't that successful and whatever it was he stopped

it was like all of a sudden he stopped told me to put my pants down he pulled his pants up and he got in the car he put me in a car and he got in a car and took me back I don't know what scared him I don't know if something was back there if something spooked him

or whatever it was but he ended up taking me back to Warren Acres and he takes me into Warren Acres and it's the same thing he drops me off goes in there like nothing happened There was not a care in this guy's world about this. So he ends up dropping me off.

They take me back. It's the same routine. You've got to strip, squat, and cough and all that. And in between that, I mean, I'm going to this New Jersey Youth Corps and everything. And this was, I mean, I'm scared. I'm 16 years old. I have no clue what's going on in life. I'm here at New Jersey Youth Corps.

I'm hanging out with all kinds of other different kids from different walks of life that are troubled. Some are just trying to get a GED because they don't want to go to school or whatever. But what happened was I ended up finding the first aid kit in a place. And I opened the first aid kit up and it was full of like different pills. It could have been allergy pills, whatever it was. I took pain relievers. I opened up everything they had in that first aid kit and I took it all. And after I took it all, a girl that was in a program at Waterloo Village, New Jersey Youth Corps,

she saw me do it. And when she saw me do it, she told one of the counselors of the program. And they ended up calling the police or the ambulance or. or whatever it was, but I know the ambulance came. And they ended up taking me to Hackettstown Hospital in Hackettstown, New Jersey, and they pumped my stomach. And after they pumped my stomach,

they kept me in ICU for a couple days. And they made me drink this stuff. It was called EpoCap. It was the nasty stuff in the world. It was like a charcoal to help make you throw up, too. And it was just something, there's a lot, you don't forget with this, but that was one of them too.

So with that, they had me in, I was in ICU for a couple days because they were worried, maybe because of the pills I took with my liver or something. Probation gets worded of this. And next thing, you know, I have to go back to court. I get taken back to court.

And the judge sentenced me to 30 days in a juvenile, or adolescent psychiatric unit, a place in Button, no, Denville, New Jersey. It was called St. Clairs. And it was a psychiatric unit for adolescents. So I get sent there. And I'm there. I'm there for the 30 days.

It was a crazy place. I mean, I was going through a, a lot of turmoil. I didn't, I was, it was tough. It was a tough plate because I don't know. I was scared. I wasn't suicidal. I didn't want to be part of what I was going through no more. I didn't know no other way at the time and that was the only way I could do is try to kill myself. I didn't even know if I was trying to kill myself. I don't know what I was doing with him pills, but I just, I couldn't be there anymore. So I ended up at St. Clair's. And St. Players was, it was an okay play. I mean, it was a hospital. You were locked in.

And my mom was able to come visit me at, like, certain days of the week or whatever. She'd come. And I never told my mother about this stuff because I didn't know how my mother would be. I mean, my mother, to me, she was my mother. I love her. I mean, I love her to this day. She's no longer around. I mean, I miss her.

But I loved her. And I always never understood a lot about my mother. And I still don't to this day is because I don't know. Like I said, I had a sister. And in between that, like my sister was always. always more of my mom's favorite than I was. And I still talk to my sister, and I love my sister. I mean, I really do.

She's a good kid. But I don't know. My mom had a thing with men. I don't know if something bad happened in her childhood. I don't know what it was. She just, and me being a male, I wasn't a favorite. I was a whipping post sometime. But my mom would come there and visit me, and she was a tough mother.

She would tell me, it's time you got to start getting your shit, right? You can't keep living like that. You know, look what you're doing now. It was just stuff like that. Man. But in between that stay at St. Clair, I mean, there were some bad days. Like, I went off the deep end a couple times. I mean, there was a time I picked the chair up, and I don't know what it was.

I was starting to act out a lot verbally. I wasn't a physical person. I didn't get in a lot of fights. I wasn't that type of person. But I was acting out a lot. And there was argument in St. Clair's. I forget what it was about. But I remember the one time.

I picked the chair up and I try to throw it through the window. I guess you're in a psychiatric unit. Then windows don't break. The chair fell down and they end up. They come and get you in and they actually strap you to a bed. They take you out of private room. They strap you to a bed and they dose you up with the stuff. It was called Thorazine.

You know, Thorazine is like a super dose of tranquilizer or something like that. I don't know what it was, but it took you somewhere else. You know, and as you're sitting in there and you're talking to the kids, and back then it was 80, mean, it was totally different. You're allowed to smoke almost everywhere you went. like a little cigarette lighter built into the wall. You put your cigarette and held the button and lit your cigarette. So you're in there with the other kids.

You're smoking and talking. And everybody's got their story. Everybody's got their own stories. So I'm listening to these kids talking. They're telling me about this place. I mean, because my time's coming up. My 30 days is almost up in that place. And I'm getting scared.

I don't know. I don't want to go back to where I came from. I mean, I don't want to go back because, like I said, the last time I was, it got worse. I mean, the abuse was getting worse. And it was escalating. And I didn't want to go back where I was. So these kids were talking about this other place you were able to go to.

It was another place in New Jersey. It was in Belme, New Jersey. And it was a 90-day program they took you to. But you had to tell the counselor in St. Clairs that you had a drug addiction or you're an alcoholic. And I'm a 16-year-old kid by now. I'm not really, I don't know a whole lot about alcoholism. I guess I grew up around it. There was alcoholism around my family with some of my neighbors, my mom's friends.

and stuff like that. But I don't know a lot about alcoholism. I don't know a lot about drugs. I know about weed, marijuana. That was about it. And I'm listening to his kids. They're telling me stories. And one kid's like, yeah, I talked to the counselor.

I told him I like to take a lot of acid. And I see a lot of trails. And I'm like, and I'm thinking, I'm like, that's it, man. I'm going to tell this counselor that I do a lot of acid, you know, and I see trails. So I'm sitting with the counselor. And he's asking me here. I'm like, yeah, I like to drink and stuff like that. But I really like acid.

and I see a lot of trails, and he asked me about the trails, and I didn't realize what they were talking about. I mean, honestly, I didn't know what they were talking about when they trails. Like, trails, like, so I'm talking to the counselor. I'm like, yeah, when I take it, I see, like, a lot of hiking trails. And I don't know. It must have been like an insurance grab or something, because they sent me there. They ended up, all right, you're qualified to go to the place in Belmeat.

And I'm like, okay, cool. You know, I don't have to go back to Warren Acres or nothing. I'm out of that for now. So I get transported there. And this place in Belmede, it was called the Carrier Clinic. And it was a huge complex. I mean, they had different wings. They had for adults, adolescents.

But for a kid, it was like ClubMed. You know, you got there, you're like, this is awesome, man. I'm away from where I came from. I'm in this place. I got to start taking medicine. They started dosing me up when I was in St. Clair's. I forget what the name of medicine is. So I got to take this medicine.

And they had a big gym in the place for the kids. You're hanging out, you're playing. There's a bunch of wings. Your wings were separated, but you're hanging out with girls. There was a swimming pool. They had a cafeteria, and they had, like, great food. Everything you could need. Everything you could need.

It was perfect, man. I was like, I don't have to go back. You know, you were able to go outside and walk around. But it was structured. I mean, you still had to get, they had, like, education. They had, like, a lot of counseling classes. They had a lot of game nights. and it did have some of its ups and down.

I mean, there was a lot of things. Like, there was a lot of tests. And I remember the one time I went, they took me for this test. They did, like, this shock test, shock therapy stuff to get, where they stick all the needles in your head. And, you know, they strap you to the bed, and they gave you the shock therapy.

And, you know, but at the time, I guess I was just a kid. It kind of outweighed the bad that I came from. And I didn't want to leave. And there was a time when I was in there, actually, because my father at the time would pop in and out of my life. He didn't pop in too often, but he would pop in and like my mom would meet him or whatever and take me to like a diner.

We'd have lunch or something. He would talk to me. And he would always like bring your hopes up. Like, yeah, I'll bring you up to the house. I'll tell you these stories and they just never panned out. Now, as a boy, you're just looking for your father. You're looking for that missing peace in your life. You know, I was really missing my father because,

I don't know. I just was. I was looking for that. So the one time in Carrier, I ended up calling him. And I told him where I was. And he had that phone number for some reason. I could always remember after I learned it. It was just a really easy number. And I think I know it to this day, if it still worked, but it probably doesn't. But because he's gone now, too. And I remember calling him on the phone and telling him that I'm in rehab.

And I remember him telling me, he said, that's just a cop out. And I hung up on him, and I didn't talk to him for a lot of years after that. You know, that really bothered me. But while I was in Carrier, it was kind of neat. Like I said, it was kind of like an insurance grab, too, because you're able to comp money. You go to the nurse station and say you could comp like $2 a day or whatever it was. And by time I walked at it after 90 days, I had a stack a single. I mean, I had a lot of money.

And I took advantage of that because they compting, and I guess charge your insurance. company somehow. Okay. And I ended up getting out of there and I was 16. And at that time now, I'm totally turning my life already. Not in a good, good way, but I wasn't going back to the way I was. I wasn't going back to that Warren Acres because I know just the last time I was there what was happened and I wasn't going to do it. And I ended up graduating from Phillipsburg High School. I got my high school diploma. And it was cool. It was a cool crazy time. Really after Carrier Clinic and listen to stories with everybody. That's where I really learn more about drugs

by listening to their stories and their quiet comments with drinking and stuff. So I started hanging out with a different set of kids in high school. And like the other ones I hung out with before that, I kind of distanced myself. I mean, I still said hello to them or whatever, but I distanced myself from them.

And I just started hanging out with a different crowd of kids. And I ended up letting my hair grow long. And it was the end of the 80s. And I just started hanging out with kids that played in bands. and stuff like that. I got into that lifestyle hanging out with them.

And I made some friends, and I just started paling around with them. And we just did our thing. I mean, I really learned how to drink and carry on and party. And, you know, I started picking up girls. And it was just like, I guess a lot of that was a coping skill, too. Because once I was able to start drinking, I totally put my pass behind me. No, I was able to stuff it. I was able to take that secret I had and lock it deep in, man.

I'm going to let that out now. No, because there's no way I was going to tell anybody what a guy made me do to him. Ever feel like healthy eating is harder than it should be? I get it. Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be Well by Kelly, I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar, and build healthy habits that actually last. Each week I talk to leading experts, doctors, and researchers about practical ways to

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and I cover topics like metabolic health, chronic diseases, pain management, and more with expert interviews and solo episodes. I keep it no nonsense with a science-backed approach to empower you to improve your health and resilience. New episodes every Thursday, produced by Drake Peterson and Wellness Loud. what he did to me or anything like that.

I wasn't telling nobody, and I didn't really tell nobody that I was in Warren Acres all them times and all this stuff because I wasn't telling nobody. I was trying to lose that life. I didn't tell nobody about the psychiatric units or none of that because I didn't want people to think, like, wow, I mean, this guy's nuts.

He tried killing himself or something. And I did everything I could do to put that behind me. I had a lot of fun with my buddies, man. We were just, but I learned how to party. I learned how to have a good time. you name it I did it man and things just kept going on and there was a lot of crazy times in my life at that time even from my late teens into my 20s and in my 20s I you never know what was going to happen to me when we went out partying or having a good time or anything like that it was just nuts

but what I didn't realize I was destroying myself because of that secret and the way I was living and there was actually in the 20s too in my 20s there was some suicide attempts you know just like all of a sudden i like whatever would happen in my life it would come crashing down and things would always like trigger me i guess in a little bit in my mind and bring up sort of what happened i mean i never really thought about it to detail you know i never really thought about it to detail but there were some times where i find a bottle of tile and all and i decided to I sucked the whole bottle down. I don't know if it was just, I didn't want to die at the time.

I just know I didn't want to live the way I would maybe. I don't know. And with that, and a little behind that time, and we were at the mall and I saw the sheriff. And I remember that fear that came across me. It just, my heart sunk to my stomach again. And I actually left and I ran home. And I was scared.

I was actually afraid to go back to the mall for a little while. And I believe this was back in 1990, because, Shortly after that, it came across in the local newspaper. They arrested the sheriff. They ended up doing an undercover sting for him. And they ended up arresting the sheriff. And when they arrested him, he admitted doing it to eight to ten kids. I don't really know the number.

I forget the number of kids, but he admitted to do it to eight or ten kids. And the only bad part about this was, Sheriff Bullock of Warren County. was no secret to Warren County. It turned out it was the biggest running joke in that courthouse. And people knew exactly what he was doing, but nobody stopped it. Nobody knew it.

And they would always have talks. Like when his door was closed, they'd be like, well, he's in his office counseling a kid. And they would joke about him. And there were stories about when Sheriff Bullock was, in the back of the courtroom, watching the kids get sentenced and stuff like that. Because he used to sit in the back all the time.

I didn't realize it because I never looked for that. But he used to sit in the back of the courtroom all the time and just watch what kid learn about him. He was studying, I guess, learned that they came from a single family home. And it was sort of a dysfunctional home, and there was no father figure. And they would all just sit there and joke about it.

It was the biggest joke. You know, they would say, like, The sheriff would have like puppy dog eyes when he would see certain boys. Nobody stopped it. And with that, they all hit it. Everybody, I don't, they were all afraid at her job. I don't know what it was. But some people did talk about it.

But they were told to shut up and just let things alone. Or don't go there with this. People would try to report it. And the thing is, the guy that ran Warren Acres, he knew about it. He was told about it. You know, so it wasn't a secret. With the guard that told me to shut up, I'm looking for attention. I don't know.

Did he know about it? I think he did, but I don't know that for a fact. So when they set this undercover thing up for him, they put an undercover, New Jersey State Trooper in there. And I think it was all because somebody else heard about it, and the guy wanted to be a sheriff. He wanted his position. And I think it was right after the election. They didn't do it during election time. They did it after election, something like that.

And when he arrested him, he admitted to donut to eight or ten kids. I forget what it was. And they sentenced him to a really small sentence in a different county to a different jail. So he did a little time in a community county jail in Hunterton County, New Jersey. And when he got out, it was basically, all right, here's your pension, here's all your retirement, we'll see you later. They didn't strip him or nothing. He ended up staying in New Jersey, from what I was told down in South Jersey. And he ended up living there until he died.

It was crazy. a slap on the rest. Yeah, it was crazy. And so I'm in my 20s now. I started off after high school. I got a job. Me and my buddies, we worked at a car dealership. And it was the greatest job in the world for us. I mean, you couldn't ask for a better job because we were just long-haired partiers, just having a good time. I mean, we were able to smoke weed and drink beer, and we watched cars at a car dealership. They gave us the keys to whatever car we wanted to drive. And that was great. But then for some reason, in my early 20s, I was like, I got to come up with a car. a career. I'm like, what am I going to do? Like, I got to do something in life. I can't,

we can't wash cars and make the, like, so I was sitting there thinking, I'm like, well, I could be an electrician because I was looking. I'm like, I could change light bulbs. I'm like, how hard could that be? So I ended up getting a job. I applied to this guy. He hired me as an electrician, like an apprentice. And a little later on in time, I developed a different part of my career. But the party and just got worse, the drugs, the drinking, and the women. And I was using everything has to feel good to know. I was looking whatever could make me feel good. It didn't matter what it was. It could have been a line of cocaine. It could have been

whatever to booze, women. I did whatever I could do just to make myself feel good. And it was just, I was a selfish person throughout that time. And it just kept going on throughout my 20. I moved in with a girl. And that was dysfunctional. We ended up moving out and I ended up,

that's the one time I took an overdose and stuff like that when I was with her. And We ended up splitting apart. And I tried, maybe I'll get sober for a couple days and it didn't work. And I ended up just keep going on and went work. And into my 30s, it was just still chaotic and crazy. And I ended up meeting a woman in a bar out of all places, right?

Because we didn't have dating apps back then. No, I'm just kidding. But, and it turned out to be pretty cool. We started hanging out. We started doing our thing. And she, had a daughter. We hung out for a while. And then all of a sudden, she brought her daughter around, and I asked her to move in with me. She ended up moving in with me. And long story short,

she ended up becoming my wife. And at the time, I thought, that's exactly what's going to settle me down. I'm going to get married. She has a kid. See, I never wanted to have a kid, and that's one of my biggest regrets. People always tell you no regrets, and you can't have regrets in life. But that's one of my biggest regrets in life. I never had my own child. And the reason I didn't want to have my own child, I didn't want a kid to have to go through what I went through. It was a shitty time, man. I mean, I had a real shitty time in life. And I didn't want to do that to a kid, but I met her, and she had a wonderful daughter. And I asked her to marry me. She married me, and I became a stepfather. It was like a package deal, I guess.

And the only thing is, I didn't change. You know, I was still running and gunning, man, I was out partying. And there was days I wouldn't come home. I would disappear. I would just totally worry her. I mean, I just really put her through the gamut of shit for no reason. But it was just because of the way I was. And like I said, I had a good job, but I couldn't get my shit together with that either because I'd have a job and my alcoholism and stuff would ruin it.

Like I'd end up getting laid off. Then I get another job and make money. And I would get laid off. I couldn't. I was employable, but I wasn't employable because of my alcoholism. And this just kept. carrying on all through our marriage up into my you know i ended up 40 years old but even into my early 40s i started living to where i kind of pushed all my friends away now you know i had my wife and everything

but i pushed all my good friends away and i hung out all the time i drank alone i'd work but i would drink alone a lot more than anything and i became a really heavy alcoholic i was heavier i was bloated you know it was just i just couldn't i couldn't function in life and then when i was 41 for some reason I don't know what it was. I think I was, I really think I was done running. I was really done running. And I remember we were at a party at one of our neighbor's house. We had this really cool place where we lived.

We lived along the Delaware River. It was a nice little party community. We still have a lot of good friends down there and everything. But we were at this one party. It was February. It was for the Daytona 500. My one neighbor always had a party for. it. And I was drinking. I was probably heavily drunk, but I said to my one neighbor, Jen,

I said to her, I said, listen, I said, I'm going to rehab. And she kind of chuckled at me. She said, yeah, right. And she just kept going on. And mind you, before that, even throughout my 20s and 30s, I was in numerous detoxes and rehabs. And actually, there was a couple of times in my 30s. I was in, I did a couple of days in psychiatric units, man. I had some real dark days. You know, back in my 30s, it was bad. Like the alcohol was controlling me, and it was just doing everything and getting due to ruin my life. And I let it, too, because just the way I was and the way I was living.

But the one time I was at the house, and I was in my garage. And I was in there. I was drunk. I was eating a bunch of pain pills because I hurt my knee. And back then they gave you pain pills like they were tick-tacks. They didn't care. They just gave you a Vicodin's or whatever it was, like nothing. I mean, I was eating a handful of pain pills.

and I was completely drunk. And for some reason, I figured now would be a good time because a few days before that, I ended up at this bar, I was hanging out in this one biker bar in Pennsylvania. And I ended up buying a 38 special off this one biker. It was a little handgun and a handful of shells. So I paid $100 for that. So I ended up taking it home.

It was in my toolbox for a couple days, and I knew exactly what I wanted it for. I really did. I knew what I wanted it for because it was just coming. Everything was coming to an end with me. I just couldn't handle the way I was living because it was hard. I mean, I was just a complete scumbag. And so I'm sitting in the garage that night, and I'm like, this is it. Now it's the time.

It's not like I don't think I wanted to die, but I couldn't live anymore. So I was in the garage. So I pulled out, I opened a toolbox, I pulled the gun out. And I know the gun shoots because after I got it from them, I took it down to the train tracks, but the one place we lived and I shot it. And I know it shot. So I ended up bringing it back home. But I ended up getting it out.

And I was sitting there. And I'm like, this is hell. And I had this little rolling chair. I'm sitting in the chair. And I take the gun and I put it in my mouth. And it's loaded. All the shells are in there in the cylinder. and I pulled the trigger and the gun clicked the gun misfired it didn't shoot and I was like you got to be kidding me and I kind of panicked I kind of lost it like this really happened like I didn't think of no divine intervention or nothing like that I was like I didn't know what happened so I ended up putting a gun back in the toolbox and I took off and I was gone for a while my wife couldn't find me or nothing she didn't know I was in a garage and I was going to do that she hadn't

no idea. And she ended up calling a friend of mine. And this guy was a great friend of mine for quite a long time, and he still is. And he was in AA. And she ended up calling him, he came over, basically after I came home or they found me or whatever it was. And he asked me, he said, you want to go to rehab? Or do you want to go to detox? I said, yeah. So he took me to detox. And he dropped me off and left me there. And they put me in like the rehab, psychiatric, unit of it for I was there a couple days and I remember the one lady in there she said to me she said you're never going to make it out there you know I'm like what are you talking about I'm going to be sober I'm going to stay sober so they sent me I think I went to a different rehab for like a week

after that I ended up going home and I might just stay sober a good few days and that was it I just went back to the way I was you know I was back to drink and run and doing everything I was doing and I put that little thing behind me and it was the same thing. It came back. And every time it would come back, something would trigger me, like, that I couldn't do this no more. I couldn't live like this no more. I don't know really know what it was.

I don't know if it was something from my past or whatever, but something would always trigger me because I would remember, like, I can't live like this, man. I can't keep living like this. So I was in my garage again at one time, and I get up there and I get a ladder out. I go up, I measure a board. I'm up there. I measure the board. I cut it. I go up there, nail it up there. I go up, take the rope up with me. I tied a rope around the board.

I tied a rope around my neck, and I'm up there, and I kick the ladder out. And the ladder falls. As the ladder falls, I fall. The board breaks. I hit the ground. And no sooner I hit the ground, a friend of mine walked in the door, and he's an on-duty cop. He was on duty. He happened to walk in the door. I'm on the ground with the rope around my neck. He's like, Chris, what are you doing? I'm like, nothing. You know, don't worry about it. He said, no, what are you doing?

And I'm like, nothing. I'm kind of maybe arguing with him a little bit. He's like, you know, you're coming with me. I'm like, I'm not going nowhere with you. He said, you don't understand. You don't have a choice. You're coming with me. Oh, and I'm like, so he ended up taking me to a local hospital.

And he brings me in there, and they put me in a room. It was basically, I guess, the rubber room or whatever. I mean, they'd lock you in there. You know, so there was a second suicide attempt. Like, they both failed. I don't know if it was divine intervention or nothing, whatever that was, or if it was God or whatever. I mean, I still have a hard time believing that.

Something helped me. Something helped me. So they ended up sending me to this psychiatric unit, and it was a real deal of psychiatric unit, man. I went in there. I was scared to death, man, because these people are, they're walking around, they're talking to themselves. And I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. I don't belong in here.

And I'm telling the one nurse, I'm like, I don't belong in here. She's like, oh, yes, you do. I'm like, no, I don't. And I was able to convince them to where he sent me to a different unit in the same facility, where it was basically like a dual diagnosis place again where you could, it was a psychiatric unit and an addiction center. And I might have been in there a week or two again, whatever that was. And I get out.

And I was probably able to stay sober again for maybe a week. I did try AA for a little bit after I got out of there, but it didn't last long at all. Now, like I said, it went through. I finished out my 30s like that. now we're in my 40s and it was crazy and now I'm talking about going back to rehab. I ended up telling my wife, I'm like, I want to go to rehab. And she's like basically the same thing. Like, yeah, right, we've been down this road before.

So she didn't have a lot of faith in me either. And I was on a job site one day and I called my insurance company up. I'm like, listen, I want to go to rehab. And I told him I'm an alcoholic. And it gave me a list of numbers. and I got home that night and I'm calling the numbers and I would call the number

and I'm like, they would answer the phone and I didn't like the way to answer the phone so I didn't go there. I'm like, I'm not going there. And I ended up calling this one place and it was, and they answered the phone and I got talking to a lady and I said, I got your name

for my insurance company and everything and I said, I'd like to check in to rehab and she's like, okay. You know, she said, when are you plan on coming tonight? I said, no. And like I said, this was February, February 2014. And she said, when are you planning on coming tonight?

I said, no. She said, tomorrow? I said, well, when are you planning on coming? I said, how about two weeks? And I think to this day, I'm still probably the only person in history that made any type of reservation for this rehab. But she told me, she said, in between this two weeks, she said, promise me one thing. Promise me you won't stop drinking on your own.

And I'm like, all right, that's easy, man. I could do that. So I just kept drinking for that two weeks. And the date I made to go into that rehab was more than. March 1st, 2014. It was a Saturday. And the reason I did that was because I told work I was planning a vacation. Like it was a short notice vacation.

And I was going to be gone a week, you know, because I thought when you went to rehab, it was only a week. So March 1st comes as a Saturday. My wife and my daughter take me up to the rehab. And we're on our way to the rehab. And we're partway there. And this rehab, it wasn't far. It was a little over an hour or something.

It was up in, on the other. other side of Scranton, Pennsylvania. It was in Waverly, Pennsylvania. And we're almost there. And I'm like, you know what? I don't want to go. I'm going to change my mind. And she's like, bullshit, you're going. I'm like, I think I could do it, though, what I have to do? She said, no, you're going. So we go there. And it's a beautiful place. It's a beautiful treatment. I mean, it really was. The property was nice. And we get there. We park. We go in. And I do the register thing. My wife's there. My daughter's there with me. And I didn't notice one part about it until I after rehab was after they got in the car and everything my wife ended up finally breaking down

and my daughter told me told her and mind you she's 18 now but my daughter's 18 now and she said to my wife she said he's in a place he needs to be and that's crazy but um i tear up about that one but they ended up taking me back to the detox unit and visit bett mdmdmd Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only.

Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario. Ever feel like healthy eating is harder than it should be? I get it. Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be Well by Kelly, I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar, and build healthy habits that actually last. Each week, I talk to leading experts, doctors and researchers about practical ways to nourish your body and make wellness accessible in real life. Listen to Be Well By Kelly wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday. I never realized alcohol how strong it was and what it could do to you,

other than make you drunk. And my health was really failing at that time. And I was really heavier. I was bloated. I went in, I had a big bushy beard. My hair was bushy, scraggly, and a mess. And I kind of didn't give a shit about life no more. I mean, I really didn't.

I was in that detox unit and that rehab for a week. And it was a hard week. And like I said, when I was detoxing, it was brutal, the shakes. it was bad and it was bad. I mean, my alcohol was so bad. I mean, I didn't realize that it wasn't normal the way I was living because the way I was living before that, like, I had it all planned out to where I could sit down

and like, hey, you know what? I knew when I could start drinking, when to quit drinking for work. I know, like I could polish off, almost a case of beer every night if I started at this time and I went to bed at this time. And I really didn't go to bed. I guess I basically passed out. So I'd wake up in the middle of the night

with the jitters and not feeling good. and I learned how to slam nightquil in the middle of the night. I would take a bunch of big gulps of nightquil just to help me fall back to sleep. Then I'd wake up in the morning and not feeling good and getting ready for work. I learned, all right, let me start drinking the listerine in the morning. So I started drinking the listerine,

thinking maybe it would help. I don't know if it did or not. It helped take a little to jitters away. And every morning I would dry heave and throw up bile and everything. I was just, my health was failing. And so it's really shown in that detox now because, you know, I'm going through to withdrawals of alcohol. I'm totally, they don't give you nothing for it

because this was like a real deal of detox, man. They didn't give you nothing to help you. My stomach's a mess. I couldn't eat. I had stomach pains all the time. I remember them taking me back and doing my blood pressure and they would check you and everything. And my blood pressure for quite a long time,

probably basically for a couple days, was running to 100 over 180. They couldn't get it down. They were really worried I was going to strike. broke and days went on. They started getting bad. I mean, I wasn't still eating that good. I mean, I really couldn't eat well.

The whole time I was there, I really didn't eat well. But I made it through the detox part, and they take it to the next step. We're here in, like, the regular rooms with everybody. And I met, I did, when I was in detox, I had a counselor come in. She just touched base, you know, and she popped in. And after I left a detox, she came, and I met with her now. And she would ask you, I think it was, basically generic checklist questions for a rehab or whatever it was.

But she asked me to one question, she said, were you ever sexually abused in your life? And I told her yes. And that was the first person, since that person I told when I was in Warren Acres, I was sexually abused. And that's where it all started. At 42, I finally was able to admit it.

I don't know how I was able to admit it. And I think that's one of the reasons why I wanted to go to rehab. I think I was done running without knowing. I was done running. And nothing, she didn't take nothing of it. She didn't ask a whole lot of questions at that time. Now, so we go. They select the programs for you and everything and what groups you should be in, I guess.

And the days went on, like, we ended up talking about it. And she talked to me more a little bit the next day or whatever it was about it. And I told her, I said, I was sexually abused by the sheriff of Warren County, New Jersey. And she asked me the questions, and she was a fantastic person. I don't know what made me tell her. I mean, she just had that, it was something about her. She had that compassion.

She was such a wonderful person, man. I'll never forget. Her name was Melissa. And, I mean, I finally was able to do it. I stayed 21 days in this rehab. And I didn't realize it was that, I thought you only went to rehab for a week. So in between her, I had to call my employer.

And I really told them, I didn't tell them a story about no abuse. But I said, listen, I want to tell you the truth. I checked into a rehab. and I'll be out when they let me out. And the guy was like, that's cool, man. He said, everybody goes through stuff in life. He said, do your thing.

You'll have a job when you get back. And it's construction. You never know if you're going to have a job. I was going through all the motions and doing whatever I had to do, man. I was trying to take this. It was hard to take it serious because I didn't feel good,

but I know I wanted to take it serious. Like I said, on the way to rehab, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go. I told her to turn around. When I was in rehab, there was a lot of phone calls. I was like, hey, Michelle, you come pick me up. Melissa said I could go home early.

So she's like, all right, cool. And probably about five minutes or whatever later, my counselor walks by me. He said, hey, by the way, Michelle's not coming for you. I just talked to her. So they had, like, I thought they had something worked out together. But it was a tough thing. Rehab sucked. There was a lot of different personalities.

I'd meet a couple good people in there. But I was probably that person, if you're in rehab, if they could vote most likely to not succeed, it would have been me because I was just quiet. I didn't bother with a lot of people. I kept on myself. I didn't, you know, I tried just to get through it. And after that three weeks of rehab, I came out, and I white-knuckled it.

I jumped headfirst into the AA. I listened to them. Oh, but when I walked, going back to it, when I was walking out of rehab, the last day I was there, Melissa came up to me my therapist. She said, Chris, could you promise me one thing? I said, what's that? She said, can you promise me what you admitted to me about the abuse? I said, I promise you.

And to this day, 12 years, X amount of months later, it's probably been one of the longest promises I ever kept in my entire life. And I'm more than grateful for her, too. I mean, I've always tried to look her up and find her, and she's not there no more. And, like, you didn't know a whole lot about him. So I couldn't find her, but I'd love to find her one day and be able to tell her, like, look, check out what I've done. You know, I'm getting through this. But the three weeks goes by, I come out, I go to rehab.

I go to the AA meetings, and I'm white knuckling. I met some good people in AA. I got still some good friends in AA, and I talked to them. But I'm white knuckling it. And I ended up going to the third. therapist. I didn't meet a great therapist. I worked with all the way up until like COVID. You know, but I'm dealing with her and she was great because she never pulled it out of me. You know, she let me work up to it the way I wanted to work up to it about the abuse.

But the one time I was sitting outside the house, it's summertime. And like I said, we lived along to Delaware. We had a beautiful yard and it went right to the river. And I'm sitting there at the one picnic table we had down there. And I'm reading the newspaper. And I'm reading it, I'm like, you got to be freaking kidding me, man. Like, here's the sheriff's name in the paper. Sheriff had Bullock's names in the paper. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. And I'm reading it. And here he's starting to go through a trial because somebody was able to bring it up like, hey, this guy did this to me. This guy did this to me when I was a kid. And that guy was able to bring it to trial. So I'm reading an article.

And like, I'm newly sober. So I rip my shirt open because they tell you not to do this because all of a sudden you think he could take on the world. So I got the Superman as a s, under the shirt. And I ripped my shirt open. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to call this lawyer in the paper. And I'm going to go to trial and I'm going to help put this guy to jail. And I called a lawyer in the paper. His name was Brad Russo, and he's still a friend of mine in his day. And his secretary answered the phone. And I said, can I speak to Brad? And she said, can I ask who's calling? I said, no. She said, can I ask this what this is about? I said, Bullock. And she said, hold on. And she put me in touch with him.

And Brad wanted me to come in and meet him. He said, hey, when can you come in and meet me? I said, I'm not going to come in and meet you unless it's after hours. Because his office was in Philadelphia, New Jersey, and I know a lot of people in that town. I still know a lot of people in that town, and I know a lot then. And I didn't want nobody to see me walk into a lawyer's office, you know, because I didn't know. I figured if I did that, people would know because I still was keeping a secret really tight to my chest. I wasn't telling nobody except Melissa.

By then, my wife finally knew. She didn't know the whole time through our marriage that this happened to me. She had no idea what happened to me as a kid. And I ended up going in to meet Brad, and we sit down. And Brad was the first person I told almost my whole story to because he needed the information and details. And it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do at that time. and I had to tell him details with the abuse

and I didn't give him all of it at the time a little more came out later and he ended up telling me he's going to try and set me up with a detective for the Warren County, New Jersey's SVU department and I never knew SVU was like a real thing I thought it was just a TV show but I ended up meeting this,

they ended up calling me and they set up a time and it was actually the Warren County prosecutor I had this department division. And they set up a time, they asked me what time was good. And I said, I can't do it until after hours. I'm not going to do it when nobody else is in the office or whatever, because I didn't know what I had to do. And so they said that was fine because I actually knew some of detectives

in that prosecutor's office at that time. And I didn't want to walk in there and people know what I'm going there for because I'm still hiding a secret. So I go in there and it's the same. He sets a camera up and he was a really great. I mean, if I walked into him this day, I would. know who he was because I really don't even know what I told him. I mean, I blanked out on that. I mean, I don't remember that. But they set the camera up, they set a microphone on you,

and they record you. And so it might have been an hour and a half interview with him or whatever it was, hour and a half, two hours. And I finish up, I go home. And it's the same thing. Like, same thing. Like, you're sick to your stomach. Like, I remember telling Brad. I finally disclosed my story. And I was so sick. I mean, I felt like I had the flu. Your body ate. You're so sick, man. Your body's worn down. You're beat up. You know, you're a mess. Your face hurts from crying and telling this and talking about this. And it was the same thing with the detective. You know, I just forget what I told him, how I told them. But I remember feeling like garbage. Like you felt worn out. Everything was taken out of you. So I finished that. And a little bit of time

goes by and Brad Russo ends up calling me up. He's like, listen, he said, you missed the statute of limitations to do anything. somehow the other victim was able to get on it but I was able to I missed it and he said but what we are doing because I wasn't the only one that victim wasn't another one the only one there was more

and he was telling me about like the civil suit they were doing against Warren County and I'm like I didn't know what a civil suit really was and that was something I never thought I'd get in until in my life and I ended up setting up another meeting with him and I went to his office I brought my wife and he told me what was about and I figured it would have been something you know like all right man they just need to

find my information out it'll be over you know so I remember sitting there with him my wife sat with me with him and he had me signed some paperwork and I remember walking out and I said to where I said I feel like I signed a deal with the devil but it turned out like they weren't the devil the county turned out to be the devil because we ended up fighting Warren County for close to 10 years. Wow. It took almost 10 years for me. It took the first victim 10 years, and there was victims behind me. Right. And Warren County, New Jersey, had the worst, most scummiest attorney they could ever handle this for anything like this. I don't know how anybody could put anybody in charge of, like, victims of sexual abuse, childhood, sexual

abuse like this guy. This guy was the biggest asshole. I mean, he did everything he could do in that 10 years to make your life difficult. Right. It was horrible. I mean, it took a long time. He was brutal. It was brutal with the courts towards the end. Even more halfway through, it was brutal with the courts. And this whole time, I had to go through all these motions.

I had to meet with a forensic psychiatrist. Both sides, like our side had to get one, and their side had to get one. And mine was up in Rhode Island, New Jersey. I had to go up there for a weekend. I met with her for an entire weekend. It wasn't just an hour. I mean, it was for an entire weekend.

She met with my wife after she went with me and asked her questions. And then after that, I ended up having to go to their forensic psychiatrist. And I remember that. The date was October 31st. I had to go there. It was a really bad day. It was raining. It was porn.

And my attorneys were telling me up to that before that point came. They're like, listen. This guy works for the county. They're hiring them. They're paying them. He's going to tell them what the county wants to know. He's not going to believe anything you tell him. You know, I'm like, whatever, man.

Just send me to her because I don't want to do this. I didn't want to do it. I was so deviant. I was defiant with this whole case, poor, a lot of it. I'm like, get me up there and let me just get it over with. So I drove up. It was pouring down, rain. I mean, you had to go through the parkway in New Jersey.

It was a mess. So I end up getting to this guy's office. I meet with him. I sit down. And he was one of these TV. show type doctors that would go on like news channels and do like his opinion on certain things with psychiatric stuff I guess and he was like a trendy type looking guy he wore like the color rim glasses and the funny looking suit and so I get in there and sit with him and he's asking

me questions and stuff and we're going through it and I might have been there about three and a half hours with him four hours and we leave and I get in my car, and the only reason I know this date, because it was my daughter's youngest daughters. She was born that day. My one granddaughter was born that day. She's a Halloween baby. But I remember calling Brad and Jeff up and telling him, I'm like, listen, I'm done.

You're done already? I'm like, that's impossible. He said, you got to go back tomorrow? I'm like, no. He said, that takes hours. I said, well, I was there, but he said, it takes a lot more than that. So I'm like, no, this guy turned out to be a pretty cool dude, man. We were talking about all kinds of stuff.

I mean, I knew where he told me where he went to college. You know, he was stationed in the Army in Germany. So we get through this. And they're like, Chris, remember, he's not going to tell the courts that stuff. I'm like, whatever, let's see what he says. So a week or two, whatever it goes by. And I get a phone call from Brad. He's like, listen, he said, you're not going to believe this.

I said, what's that? He said, they fired that doctor. I'm like, what do you mean they fired that doctor? He fired him because he believed. believed everything you told him. I said, why wouldn't he? I said, I'm not going to lie, man, isn't my life. Right. So Warren County ended up firing him. And the judge is like, you're done. You had one shot. You're done. I mean, that for a guy, too, that doctor, he had to take him to get a lawyer to get his money. They went back. Right. Horrible. But, um, and that's the way it was.

It was just barbaric antics. They would do to everybody. I mean, the depositions, I went to four days of depositions. And it was the most horrible four days you could do. And I've never been to a deposition before. But the attorney on that side was just a scummy, deviant, just a nasty guy. I don't think he had a really clue in life, much of a clue, but the depositions were tough. The depositions were definitely tough. He did everything you could do to drag you through to money. He did everything he could do to re-victimize you.

It sucked. It sucked all the way around. It was days in and days out crying. It was supposed to be four days straight. Mine only lasted. three days at that office. Because on day three, I ended up taking the microphone off. And I stood up and he's like, well, where are you going?

It was me. My lawyer sat behind me. Good. It was him. Another attorney from Warren County, which to this day, I can't believe that guy was a lawyer. If you saw him, but I guess all you got to do is past school. Right. Yeah.

And there was a court person there that was typing on that thing. And there was a video guy. And it was us in the room. It was a small room, too. And I get up from the table. I take the microphone back off. He's like, well, where are you going? I said, I'm coming around the table right now.

I'm going to kick the shit out of you. Because he was just so barbaric with his question. He was doing everything he could do to discredit you. They did everything they could do to make it hard. And this is where the guy doesn't have no clue in his life. Like, I was going to be the hell out of him. And my attorney ends up grabbing me. Jeff ends up grabbing me.

and dragging me back. And so I ended up leaving the room. Like, this guy had no, he had no clue. It was really going to happen, man. Like, that's how clueless he is. But Jeff gets me downstairs, and you could hear them arguing up there, and he's yelling.

He's like, he threatened an officer to court and all this shit. So he said, I'm calling the judge. We're not doing the deposition, like about the deposition. So it turned out it was a pretty good thing that he did call the judge because I didn't have to finish my deposition like that.

The judge said, you know what, I'm done with the shit. He said, I'm done what you guys. not us, but the other side. You guys are going to do it in my office in front of me. So we did it in front of a judge. He was a special master they called it because the court systems are so busy.

They hired a retired judge to handle some of this stuff like with the motions because they filed endless motions to the court to just keeping delay and everything. So the judge is like, you're done, you're done in my office. So we ended up doing it in his office. And it was probably a lot of, the best deposition ever because like the lawyer would ask a question he'd be like no he answered that we're not going to ask another one it turned out to be like an hour and a half instead of a whole day

yeah and so that helped the next victim behind me too he didn't have to do it in an office environment like that yeah okay so i was able to help him with that as well by with that stupid ass lawyer and so a little more time goes through and all of a sudden Jeff and brad called me up and they're like listen, the first victim's going to trial. And this is nine years, nine years afterwards, after it all started. So this is the first nine years of my sobriety. I don't know how I stayed sober that long. I had a great therapist.

I did everything I could possibly do. COVID happened, it slowed a little bit down, but the court started back up after COVID. So the first victim went to trial, they're like, listen, we need you to testify in the trial. I'm like, there's no way I'm testifying in a trial, man. You're not going to get me in a courtroom. And they're like, it's important. You got to go on there and testify. I mean, I'm scared to death.

I'm sick to my stomach. And my day comes. And I remember sitting outside that courtroom. And I'm scared. I'm sitting on the floor of the courtroom. I'm sitting off. And it's a whole different courthouse. They took it to a different county.

Okay. Because they weren't going to try it in Warren County. They took it to Somerset. And I remember sitting in that hallway on the floor, basically under a bench. it was off to the side, nobody could see me. And my attorney's paralegal. She was sitting there with me on the floor. And I was crying.

I was scared. I was sick to my stomach. I was born like a baby. And she sat with me on the floor the whole entire time. And she told me, she said, Chris, you're going to get through this. She said, I promise you you're going to get through it. And it was awesome. And that meant a world to me when she sat there with me and told me that stuff.

I just, I needed somebody. I just needed somebody. And so they ended up calling me in, and you had to walk through. And the one thing with this case was, the press was really involved in it at the end. And they were recorded in the court case in the room. But they couldn't use our faces

because it happened to us when we were adolescents. So it still sealed. And they couldn't use our names. They could just use our initials. But the one thing I asked for, I'm like, I don't want a court video camera in there. I don't want them recording my voice because I don't want nobody to know because I'm still holding it. I'm not telling nobody.

I'm holding it tight to my chest. Some people know, not a lot of people knew. And they call me and I walked through. I mean, you had to walk through people on both sides. The attorneys, my attorneys were on that side and there was a jury. I'm scared. I haven't been in a courtroom since I was a kid. And they walk you around.

You've got to do whatever you got to do, swear it with your hand on the Bible. And I'm sitting there. I just feel mush, but they're asking me to questions. And I remember during the depositions, that attorney said to me, he said, you got to remember one thing because the guy was an asshole. And he said, when you're in front of a judge, you're never going to be able to talk to me away. You're talking to me in this deposition.

Hello, juicy crime lovers. I'm Heather McDonald, host of Juicy Scoop, the number one longest running comedy interview podcast for over a decade. Well, now I'm bringing you some of the juiciest true crime. episodes. We'll dive into the most outrageous crimes of passion, greed, deception, and scandal. From cunning grifters to shocking betrayals, and yes, sometimes a love affair so twisted that someone ends up dead, maybe even at the hands of their hot dentist. I'll be joined by a rotating panel of special guests, including my sister Shannon, a criminal defense attorney, along with police officers,

detectives, and even my own husband, Peter, who's always ready to break down those infamination. cases where a wife takes out her husband. So buckle up because we're about to revisit classic juicy crimes and uncover the latest cases everyone is talking about. Subscribe to Juicy Crimes for free at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Looking to strengthen your health and well-being, tune in to the Dr. Tina show, one of Apple Podcast's top alternative health shows. I'm Dr. Tina Moore, naturopathic physician and chiropractor, and I cover topics like metabolic health, chronic diseases, pain management, and more with expert interviews and solo episodes.

I keep it no nonsense with a science-backed approach to empower you to improve your health and resilience. New episodes every Thursday, produced by Drake Peterson and Wellness Loud. And I'm like, whatever, I didn't think I'd make it in front of a judge. So I'm in front of a judge, and you know what? I get to say a few things to him during the testimony. But I was still, I was sick, I was nervous,

my voice was trembling, I was scared. And I just wanted it over. You know, I wanted to get out of that courtroom. But I had to do my testimony. And when it was over, I left. It took me a little while to settle down to get in the car to drive home because I drove myself. And I was able to get home.

And it might have been a couple weeks later. That case settled. It was in, that case ended. And it was really cool because the jury waited for my attorneys to come out after the court. case. And they sat there waiting for my attorneys. And they didn't get to do a jury thing. They, Gordon County finally said, we're in trouble. Let's settle this. So they're able to settle with the first victim. And when my attorneys came out, the press was there. It was crazy. They hugged my lawyers. My one lawyer was, he was crying because he was like, my whole career,

I'd never had this happen to me, a jury waiting for me. And the jury did like an interview with the news and they were like, listen. we believe you guys we believe cc like it was the first time i heard somebody say they believed me yeah because like when i was a kid that person said he didn't shut up i'm just looking for attention i wasn't telling nobody nobody believed me i thought but now i got somebody saying we believe cc so it took almost probably 10 months or so for my next step with the courts and mine didn't go to trial we ended up going immediately We ended up going to a retired judge

and down the seashore New Jersey and he was a well-respected judge and he mediated things like this to come up with terms and stuff and we're in there and they're doing their thing and all of a sudden like everything came to where we were done everything was negotiated, everything was done and all of a sudden it was over

but during that whole thing like the attorney that was representing Warren County during that mediation they ended up kicking this guy out of the room They didn't want him in there mediating with those With them anymore They're like, you got us This far, you're out, man

We don't want you in here So they kicked that attorney out of the room And after it was over I stand up I'm just hanging out Because we were separate We were in separate rooms and everything My attorney is Jeff and Brad and myself

And their team of people But I'm watching that attorney And I'm watching him walk out the door He's got his briefcase in his hand He's done You know his day's over So I hurried up Nobody saw him

nobody knew what I was doing. So I got behind him right away. And as he opened the door, he walked out the door, he looked back and he saw it was me. And I said to him his name. I said, hey, could I just say one thing? And he looked at me, like, and it was funny the way he said it too. He's like, yeah, what's that?

Like, oh, it's like we're friends now or something. I said, go fuck yourself. You're the biggest douchebag I ever met. And I just watched his shoulder sink. And I didn't realize there were some people on his team there. there and I didn't realize there was people there. I really didn't. I thought it was just me and they all loved me.

And that's the type of guy just was, they were happy. Because he was just such as, he was diabolical. It was no good. Yeah. But it's over now. Like for almost 10 years, I've been fighting Warren County. Since my sobriety started, it's 10 years. I'm like, what do I do now?

Now my therapist retired. I didn't have her no more. I'm lost. I mean, I'm totally lost. You know, I'm like, what do I do? I'm like, I just started going through the motions. It took a little time. You know, I just went back to work and I did my thing.

And, you know, I tried finding a new therapist. And really, they're hard right now. Find a therapist hard. I mean, I'm still sort of looking for a while, just the right one. Right. I mean, I met with some. I remember meeting what one. And you're sent with her and talking to her and you're telling her your story.

And she looks at me and she's like, wow, that really sucks. I'm like, you're kidding me, right? Right. No shit. That's why I'm here. And I'm doing everything I can because I don't want to go back to where I was. I mean, I do everything to keep everything green. I'm not very productive in AA.

I'm not, I go. I pop in and say a lot of my friends and stuff. But I know I'm alcohol. I know I don't want to go back to where I was. But I'm still holding a secret. You know, it's still tight to me. And people know, but a lot of people don't know. I'm like, what do I do?

And then I was online one day on Facebook. And I looked, I'm like, Wait a minute. And I started following this one guy back in 21. And he went through child sexual abuse. And his abuser was from Sussex County, New Jersey. And his abuser was the lieutenant of the sheriff's department in Sussex County, New Jersey. And he worked at the Sussex County Jail and everything.

And I'm following this guy's story. And I'm like, this guy's the most amazing guy in the world. I'm watching it. I'm like, this isn't like. And I'm. find out that he's speaking in North Jersey. And it really isn't far from where I live. We live in Pennsylvania now, but I commute that for work a lot of times.

And I said to my wife, and I said, you want to go see him? And I reached out to it. I'm like, hey, I'm going to come. I send him a message on Messenger. He's like, all right, awesome. He said, I love to see you meet you. You know, because I would talk to him with Messenger 30 years. Like just questions, like, thank you.

Just basic stuff. It wasn't a lot. And his name's Clark Frederick. And Clark's been, for the past couple years, a big rock for me, man. Somebody helped me get through and give me to where I am to be able to talk about this. And we end up going up there.

And it's the same thing because we're almost there. And I say to my wife, I say, you know what? I'm not going to go. Let's just turn around and go home. I don't feel like going. And she's like, bullshit, we're going. We're here. No, I'm like, because I'm good at running.

I'm good at running from things of my life. It's more comfortable. Yeah. It's easier to run than face things for me. And we end up going up there. And it was kind of a weird. It was a different kind of atmosphere, but he got to speak. I got to sit in a chair.

Me and my wife sat in a chair. And I'm watching Clark speak. As he's talking about his abuse, I'm crying. And it just resonated so much with me. It was there. I mean, like, I know what it was like. I mean, I know what it was like, because it's scary and it's scary to have to do that stuff as a kid to go through that stuff.

And we never met face-to-face. So he didn't really know who I was. I go up to him. I shake his hand. I introduce myself. He shakes my hand. Gives that hug. And he's like,

it's good to meet you and everything like that. And we get talking. And Clark does this coaching program. And the cool part about coaching when you're working with somebody like that, it's a little different. Now it's like therapy takes you back through your past. Like working with the coach, it takes you from now and let's see where we're going to go. And where we're going to go could be handling it'll win. It's been.

So I'm like, all right. I said, we'll talk about it afterwards. We ended up talking through messenger. Then he gave me his number. We ended up talking. And we ended up, I ended up started at work with Clark and doing things with Clark and talking to Clark. And in the state of New Jersey, Clark was huge with this one thing that was going on during

my deposition. Clark was part of help and change the statute of limitation for child sexual abuse victims. in the state of New Jersey. Because for the longest time, they gave you a little bit of time to be able to come out. Yeah. And say, hey, this happened to me

and it gave you your right to do whatever you had to do. And it was just a very small amount of time. I don't remember the years or the days or the ages, but it was nothing. Right. Because it happened during my deposition

because I remember my attorney saying, the county attorney, like, hey, you know, that law just passed and even filing it like on real time on his phone. And that guy's like, what just passed?

Right. And he's like the law with the statute of limitations. And they didn't think nothing of it because Warren County don't think nothing of things. Like with Sheriff Bullock and going back real quick to the trial was a gentleman come up from the division of missing exploited children from the FBI. And they had him testify because I think he was part of the first trial

when they arrested Sheriff Bullock. And they asked, the Warren County's attorneys asked, like, and what would your estimate of victims be that this sheriff has done this to? And the guy's like, you want our opinion? And they're like, yeah, please. And they said, we estimate between two to 300 kids he did this to. It just wasn't three of us, six of us, ten of us. There's a lot of us.

I mean, he was a serial pedophile. And he got away with it because they let him get away with it. Yeah. They hit it. And they're still doing a lot to it because there is still a lot of victims fighting. for justice on this because it totally destroys your life and it's horrible and it puts you through the ring our life and with it i was able to meet clark and start working with clark and going through some coaching and stuff like that and talking to him we talked all the time and we worked

through things he gave me like it's kind of weird like i bring this up to him all the time and he gets a kick out of this but like he gives you this thing he said when you wake up i want you to go for a walk at first thing you do is go for a walk first thing you do is slam a glass of water then go for a walk And I could handle the water part. And I started doing the walk thing. And it's more of a gratitude walk. But I did it for a little bit and I don't do it. And there's a couple things I joke about.

But most of it, he did a lot, man. He helped me out a lot. So the time went on as we're talking and everything. Almost a year went on working with Clark. And Clark asked me, Clark has a podcast. Working with Clark was able to bring my story out. I was able to tell people. And I was able to feel more comfortable telling people.

And I started telling people. I would sit down and tell anybody. And that's what I'm doing now. I'll tell anybody because I feel that's what I have to do. And if I could help one person, I did something. So Clark asked me, he said, well, listen, he said, I'm doing a book signing and a book release thing. He said, you want to come?

I'm like, yeah, I'll come. He said, you sit on the stage with me? I'm like, I guess. And it turned out to be me, him, another friend of mine that I became friends with through all this. A friend of mine, Pasquale, and a New Jersey state trooper that arrested Clark.

We all sat up on the stage why Clark did his book release. And it was great. I got to go up there and speak a little bit. I was nervous as ever because I'm in front of people. I'm terrified. I brought my wife. My daughter came.

She never really heard it, but she was able to come. That was a Saturday. That Monday I did Clark's podcast. And it was great. When I finished that, I felt free. And it was great. And then after, again,

then he brought me. I went to him, we did a, I did a little talking out of suicide awareness thing because suicide is big in my story, man. I mean, I shouldn't be here to tell it. Something happened, man. There was divine intervention. There is a God. I do believe in God. But he's the one that helped me do all that.

I mean, he means a lot to me. And if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't never reach out to nobody. It'd still be stuffed here, except for the few people that know about it. Right. But it helped me to become where I am and who I am now. I really love it. I couldn't ask for a better friend.

It's just, man, I just think about it and I tear up. Yeah, am I victim of child sexual abuse? Was I forced into it? I absolutely was because nobody was there to protect us. Everybody was selfish and cared about themselves more than us. And like the FBI said, there's two to 300 of us out there. I mean, how many are still alive? How many are suffering that will not tell anybody?

No, it's out there. You know, it's really out there. And, you know, I really do appreciate everything everybody's done for me. And I'm still really good friends with Jeff and Brad. They're two brothers. They're night and day. They're completely night and day. But they're two of the best people in the world, their father that has the law firm.

And, you know, it just, my life is a miracle. You know, unfortunately, my mother's passed away since. And she can't see me now. You know, I told her about the abuse before she passed away, before she got sick. But I didn't realize it really bothered her because she told my sister about it. And it's just, everything is just unbelievable. I'm living a life I thought I'd never live. I really am.

I really am. And I'm sure you're at a point, too, where you're stronger than you ever thought you would be. Yeah. Like the fact that you're able to own something that happened to you that you kept bottled up for so long, because we do live in a world that's full of judgment. and shame and embarrassment and everything in between. When something like that happens, the first thing isn't a thing to think to tell people. I think it's, right, you just want to, like we said, it's easier to just push it down.

Yep. And no matter how long it takes you to be able to get to a point where now you can talk about it and you can be so vulnerable and emotional about it is so powerful. Yeah. It really is. It's more tears of joy. And there's so much joy in my life. Gratitude.

I mean, life's life. You still have your bad days. Of course. You know, and there's such a stigma, and that's why I find it important to be able to talk about it as a man and publicly talk about it. Yeah. You know, because it's happened to a lot of us and a lot of us don't want to, maybe because

of machoism or I'm a man. Like, that's why I couldn't say it because I couldn't tell nobody. Hey, I can't tell nobody a guy did that to me or a guy made me do that to him or. It's hard to talk about too. the fear of what people might think or say, it's also the aspect of having to revisit it. Yeah. That I feel like is, that causes a lot of fear

and puts you right back into that moment, which is scary. It does. Yep. Yeah. And at the end of the day, it was worth it. I don't have to carry it out around. I didn't really realize the weight of that.

Yeah. I didn't realize that was what was weighing me down all these years. Right. Just trying to numb it. Yeah, and I numbed it. I numbed it big time. I did everything I could do, run from it. Yeah.

And like I said, it was a joke when I was coming here. She said, I said, nah, you know what? I don't want to do it. I was just go. Right. Turn around. Yeah, yeah. But it was always easier for me to run from things than face things.

Oh, and it's awesome. I couldn't ask for anything better. And you're amazing at telling your story. You truly are. Thank you. Of course. You have nothing to be nervous about. You're so good at it, really.

Naturally, there are some people that I feel like they're just great at public speaking and telling people their story. It comes so naturally. And there's a lot of people as well that they don't have that, I don't want to say confidence. I don't really think that's the right word. But it doesn't come as naturally to them. The fact, too, that you were able to overcome that, I think, says so much. And I feel like not only are you doing something that's, I feel like part of your healing process, you're reaching so, many other people that need to hear the story. And you're also overcoming your own fears and

obstacles throughout the whole thing. It's such a full circle experience constantly. It's interesting. It's really interesting. A lot of my childhood, I don't remember. The other week, we were looking for pictures for something, like my teenage years. And I don't have any. The only thing I could find was a high school graduation pitcher. My teenage years were meaningless, man. I don't have no picture. No, I don't have no memories. Things pop in my head. I'm like, wow, man, like, no shit, I remember that. But it just pops in out of nowhere. It's sad. It's just, you know, and that's what I said to my wife. I said, I felt like my youth was just... Yeah, you lost. Didn't mean nothing. You know, because back then the teachers didn't care.

They didn't ask you, like, what's really bothering this kid, man? And it all slaughtered over a punk, and I never stole. If it wasn't for a punk and I wouldn't be here. It shows you how important it is to speak up. Yeah. And I didn't have nobody to speak up. for me. Right. No, it was just. Now you speak up for yourself. Yeah. Which is incredible. Yeah. And it's there's no, I always say this as well, there's never a time frame on anything. There's never a time frame on when we're supposed to share our stories or, and there's no right or wrong time. We do it when we're ready.