We're All Insane - Sexually Harassed in the Military

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

Guest Adreana shares what it is like being a woman in the military and the unique challenges that can occur, including the experience of sexual harassment. While significant progress has been made in recent years to address these issues, there are still obstacles that women in the military face such as gender discrimination, harassment, lack of reporting, isolation, mental health consequences, and more. As a young woman with a military background, the decision to join the armed forces might feel like a natural progression. There's a sense of pride in following in the footsteps of family members and contributing to the defense of one's nation. Despite these challenges, many women who grow up in a military background and serve in the armed forces exhibit incredible strength and resilience. They continue to persevere, driven by a deep sense of purpose, duty, and a commitment to breaking down barriers for future generations of women in the military. Adreana's Socials: IG- @adreanaholland Tiktok- @adreanaholland Warrior Souls FB page- https://www.facebook.com/warriorsoulsinc?mibextid=LQQJ4d If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi everyone. My name is Adriana and I'm here to talk about my experience in the military. My childhood, I grew up in the Midwest. I have my mom and my dad. My mom is actually from Bocata, Columbia. So she grew up there, her entire life.

And the way my parents met, it really sounds like a lifetime story, honestly. So basically, my dad was a single dad with four boys at the time. And he really wanted to, I guess, meet someone. And I think he wanted to meet someone different. And so he probably figured, let me see if I can meet somebody from a different country. And the story goes, and I might get some of the details wrong, but the story goes that there was a pen pal program that he stumbled upon in a magazine where you could sign up and get connected with people from different countries.

And my mom, she was, you know, in her early 30s at the time. She, I think, just really wanted to get married, really wanted to have a kid. It was, you know, her biological clock was ticking. And assuming she found like the same program. Yeah, long story short, my parents got paired up in the pen pal program. Started sending each other letters. And, of course, my dad didn't speak the language of Spanish, nor did he write it. and neither did my mom when it came to English.

So they would get their letters translated. Wow. Yeah. Could you see pictures of each other? Like how did they? So they would mail letters. Okay. And, you know, after a while, so they wrote leather.

Leathers. They wrote letters for three years. And, you know, he would send her pictures of him and the kids. So she knew that this man had, you know, four children. But everything had to be translated. Everything had to be translated. Wow. Because my mom didn't know a lick of English.

my dad didn't know would look a Spanish. That's crazy. No, it really is crazy. Because it's like, that means that my existence is like, I don't want to say a miracle, but it's also challenging to like really form a bond and connection when there's that language barrier. Absolutely. So, you know, after three years, she fell in love with him, he fell in love with her. And he asked her to marry him.

And she said yes. but he had to fly to Columbia, meet her family, see if they even, like, clicked in person. So in those three years, they had never met. They had never met, no. And obviously, this is back in, like, the early 90s. So they didn't have Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, all of that stuff. So very risky on their part, obviously, because they could have been like a serial killer or something, you know. Yeah.

God knows. So they get married and then they have me immediately. And my dad, he grew up in an Air Force family. So he had lived everywhere up to that point. He had lived in England, Japan, California. I mean, just everywhere. So by the time that he met my mom, he was in his 40s, he was ready to have one more kid and settle down.

So we settled down in the Midwest, which is where I was born and raised. And we lived right outside of a, or we lived right outside of an army base. So growing up, I always saw people in uniform. It was nothing like out of the ordinary. My dad was in the military for a little bit. He went in, I want to say in the 70s, got out for a couple of years and then went back in. I don't know why. So, you know, and him and I kind of have similar views on the military.

My dad is someone who was very laid back, very, like, strong-willed. he was very into martial arts. He was a martial arts teacher. He loved working out. He loved just an all-around, you know, all-around great guy. And so fast forward, I'm in high school. And, you know, whenever you're nearing the end of high school, you have to find out what your next step in life is.

And I really didn't. I knew that I wanted to go to college, but at the same time, I was so innocent and so naive growing up, I guess, in a way, I was kind of sheltered. So I knew that I didn't want to go to school right away. And I really wanted to kind of experience life and have like some adventures grow before I went to school. So I had a buddy who had already joined the reserves. And there's a thing you could do where you join pretty much before your senior year of high school.

You join and you go to basic training before your senior year. So that way after your senior year, you could, you're good, you're good to go. So basically he started telling me like, yeah, you know, the Army, they can pay for your school. They'll pay 100% for your GI Bill, which is the GI Bill, it's where they pay 100% of your tuition and then they pay you for a housing allowance and your books as well. So essentially, like, you're going to go to school for free, which is. like a majority of people that join the military nowadays, that's why they're joining is for

the education benefits. So I was like, you know what? Let me go over and talk to this recruiter and see what's going on. And I was very skeptical because I grew up. I was very girly, very much like, I remember as a little girl, I was obsessed with Barbies. I had like a whole shelf full of Barbies and, you know, so I always knew what I liked. I knew what I wanted. And I had just never even consider the military before. So I had my buddy talking to me about it. I had my dad talking to me about it. And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to go see what's up. So I decided, you know, this would be a good way for me to get to travel. It would be a good way for me to grow as a person. And then eventually I'd be able to go to school for free. So I sign up and there's a program called the Delayed End. entry program. So I signed up, I want to say in March, and then I had, you know, my last summer at home. And then I left for basic training in summer of 2013. So I went to basic training in the South. And it was, excuse me, it was super hot. And I just remember getting there.

And so first you go to reception, which is where everything, everybody, that goes through basic, you're going to go to reception first. It's not basic training. It's where you get issued all of your equipment, all your uniform. They give you all these like shots and you don't get any sleep. You don't know what time it is. You barely even know what day it is. I think a lot of people myself included were so shocked because you're signing up for this commitment. And you know that whenever you swear in you, but I think it doesn't really hit you until you're there. And you're like, Oh my gosh. Like, what did I do? Because I definitely had that moment where I was like, Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Yeah. Did you know anybody in the program?

Absolutely not. So it was just you. It was just me. I was alone and you were how old? 18. Okay. Yeah. So I'm 28 now, which is crazy because I was a whole decade ago. You know what I mean? Like I look back on it and I'm like, I was a baby. Yeah. And I was naive and I was, you know, in a lot of ways, very innocent. And I mean, it's just so crazy. I feel like everything comes full circle. So it's crazy that I'm here able to tell my story because I feel like in many ways, things have, you know, things have came full circle. So, you know, I get to basic training and it's 10 weeks and you can't have your phone.

Nowadays, there are certain basics where they let them have their phone, which is really awe to me because the whole purpose of it is they're going to break you down to kind of build you back up. Do they always do it in the most healthy way? No. Like there is a lot of, I'll just say it, like there's a lot of toxicity that goes on in the military, in all branches, honestly. I only served in one branch, obviously, so I can't say one is better than the other. I mean, each kind of has their reputation. And whenever you're in the military, you know, like, oh, the Air Force is known for this or the Marine Corps is known for this. But going into it, my knowledge of everything was so minimal. I mean, I truly did not know anything, not only about the military, but also

like about the world. So I get to basic. It's 10 weeks. And then after basic training, you go straight to AIT, which is advanced individual training. So that is the training for your specific job in the military. And before joining, I thought, okay, well, the military, it's all going to be like infantry jobs, which it's not. I mean, you could do paperwork, you could do human resources, you could work with the chaplains. And so my base, or my AIT rather, was in the same place. So as soon as I graduated from Basic, I went to AIT. That was only six months or six weeks, not six months. And then I got my first duty station, which was Korea, South Korea. And that was, it was exciting, but it was also a little bit scary because I was already

away from home and I was going to be even further away from home. You know, so it was a lot to take in. You know, I know someone who their first duty station was in Kuwait, you know, so, I mean, really they can put you anywhere. and my MOS was MOS where, I mean, you could work with different branches. You could really go anywhere. So then, you know, I go to Korea. And I had a lot of fun.

You know, it was definitely interesting. I was learning myself. I was having a lot of fun. I was having a lot of fun. And so like, what do you mean? Like, just like, were you partying? Yeah. Okay.

You know, normal stuff. do when you're 19 because I got there. It's actually crazy. I, New Year's Eve was my last day in America and New Year's day I was in South Korea. Okay. And the flight is like 14 hours long. There's a big time difference there. So I can't remember if they were behind or or not. But when I got there, he was like on some time travel stuff, you know. So I get there and, I'll never forget, like, my first time pulling up to the barracks, which is essentially, like, just a big dorm. Like, if I could compare it to, like, a college.

And I got there, and I want to say it was like a Friday night or it was either Friday night or a Saturday night. And I walk in, and all I smell is, like, burning hair. And I was like, oh, what that smell? And they're like, oh, it's Friday night. Like, everybody's getting ready to go out. And so they're introducing me to my roommates and everything. And I had one roommate and everybody's already drinking, having fun. And I'm sure you weren't expecting to walk into that.

No, not at all. So it reminded me a lot of college because it's essentially just a lot of young people together. You know, you have a lot of testosterone. You have a lot of people parting, people drinking, people having a good time. And everything was really going well. And I'll never forget, I was walking, I think, to work. So in Korea, and I don't know if they've changed this, because this was 2014. If you are unmarried and, like, lower enlisted, you're going to be there for one year, but you can't have a car.

If you either bring your family or if you're E6 and above, I want to say, then you can bring a car. But if you're there with your family, it's two years minimum. So since I was unmarried and obviously I was new to the army. so I was lower enlisted. I was only going to be there for one year. And then how was it set up? Did you work specific days? Was it like a Monday through Friday or was it to just depend?

So for me, it was Monday through Friday and some weekends. And we had PT every morning. So I want to say get up at like 6, 6.30, go to PT, come back, shower, and then be at work by like 9, 9.30. And then usually off by 4 to 5. And then what did your work day consist of? Like, what were you doing? So for me, I worked with, it was actually pretty fun. We worked with strong bonds retreats, which is where they take soldiers and they take

them to like Seoul or they take them on a fun trip. Usually everything is paid for. And during it, there's some kind of training, you know, like there's some kind of, it's like a seminar pretty much. We would also do little like field trips, stuff like that. So my job was really to like take care of the morale of the soldiers, some paperwork, stuff like that. It was it was honestly, it was pretty simple, pretty to the point. And then as far as pay goes, was it mainly just your, like was the pay basically your education or would they pay you too?

Right. So you start off as E1 and you get paid biweekly. Okay. And then the education part. So they have two different forms of education, I guess you could say. They have tuition assistance where while you are in while you're serving, you can use that to take classes. They'll have every base has like an education center where they'll have different professors from like local school, stuff like that, come and teach. So you could do that and then if you get out, like for example, I did five years active duty and then I got out, then I was.

then I was able to dip into my GI Bill. So it's really cool because if I had been more productive or more proactive, I could have used my tuition assistants and gotten like my associates or my bachelor's during my time. And then when I got out of active duty, I could have used my GI Bill to get another degree. So there are two different things. So the opportunities for growth as far as education are very vast and very great. great. And, you know, going back to what I was saying about being 18 and being so fresh-faced and, like, naive, I'll never forget I had a day where I was walking to work. And I had this guy

who was living in my building. I introduced myself to him and he looks at me and he goes, I feel really sorry for you. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And he's like, people are already talking about you. And I'm like, what do you mean? I just got here. And he's like, people like guys are interested in you. They're having like bets to see who could sleep with you first. You can get your number first, different stuff like that.

So I was like, okay, that's weird, you know. And as time kind of went on, I had seen and experienced things that went against what I learned in basic training. So pretty much, you know, it's just like. like if you go to work for a corporation, let's say like you have your manager, you know, your manager a lot of times in the rules for wherever you work, wherever you work, are not allowed to date you. They're not allowed to have, you know, any kind of fraternization with you. And that's exactly the same way, like in the military. You know, they tell you, okay, so you have an NCO, you shouldn't be hanging outside of work with your NCO.

You guys shouldn't be texting. You guys shouldn't be dating. And they're very, very, very strict on that. So I got it in my head like, oh, okay, you know, this is the military. Everyone's going to be professional, you know, only to find out that it's really not that way. And obviously, a lot of me, a big part of me thought that because I was so experienced in life. and I would have like warrant officers and officers who I knew were married would, you know,

slide into my DMs or message me or, you know, try to get me to have a drink with them. And it's just like, no, dude. Like it's, first of all, it's silly that someone would risk their career for something like that. Because they, I mean, like I said, they take things like that so serious in the military. So it was a big shock to find out that people were. just didn't care. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder?

Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. It doesn't surprise me, though, because I was going to say, too. And I was trying to think that a word. It's my, I'm not trying to make it come off wrong.

But I was going to say they might not, and I don't know, but they might not be as used to someone as beautiful as you. Like coming, you know what I mean? Like not to say that like the women going in there aren't attractive, but I just feel like you're somebody that like when they look at you. I'm sure they're like, wow, she's hot. You know what I mean? It's just, you just look good. Mm-hmm. Thanks, girl.

You too. I didn't know how to word that with that. But you know what? It doesn't surprise me because I just feel like a career, just like even though like you're not supposed to, it doesn't like men are men. And men are strange. Yeah. And men are men.

And I just feel like if they see this like you stand out. So I just feel like they almost can't help themselves. So like even though like they shouldn't be doing it, it's like they can't help it. Right. Absolutely. And so I have this statistic that I had. written down. So this is a crazy thing to even think about, but less than 1% of Americans join the military. And obviously, it's a very male-dominated field. So of that 1% women represent

16% of the enlisted forces and 19% of the officer corps. So, I mean, there are way more men than there are women. You know what I mean? So when it comes to like testosterone, and when it comes to just the way that men are, things like that are inevitable to happen. I think for me, I was just so innocent at the time that it was like, oh, okay. And I really- Oh, so you're not going in there for like a dating game, you know, so it's like. Right. Exactly. So, you know, and then to explain like the difference between enlisted members and officers, enlisted members, so I was enlisted, Enlisted members are the people that are going to be carrying out the orders, like carrying at the missions, whereas the officers are behind the scenes, making the missions, kind of giving orders and different stuff like that. So, you know, I'm in Korea and I'm learning slowly how people are.

And it's really hard whenever you, you know, the military, they preach discipline, they preach. respect, they preach like responsibility and all these things. But then whenever you have people who are your superiors acting in a manner that they're not supposed to act, you start to lose respect for them. You know what I mean? And the line starts to get really blurred because you're like, okay, you know, it's like the same people that will try to get with you are the same people who are trying to tell you what to do and tell you not to do what they're doing. So there's a lot of, you know, hypocrites, I would just say. So then, you know, I get, I'm there for one year.

And by the time that year is done, I'm like ready to go. I'm homesick. And when I say homesick, I'm just homesick for America. You know, the South Koreans are amazing people. They're very sweet. They're some of the most hardest working people I've ever seen. I would literally be in Seoul in different places. and I would see 80-year-old women carrying like big bags and buckets on their back,

walking up pills, you know. So nothing against the people there. I was just ready to get back stateside and get on with my journey. So I get stationed near the water and I get stationed working with the Navy, which, you know, because of my job in the military, I was able to do that. A lot of jobs, they're very limited. I want to say like for example, for example, fuelers, there's only so many places where they could be stationed. So, you know, their options are very limited.

So it was really cool when I found out that I was going to get stationed by the water because obviously growing up in the Midwest where I grew up, I was never near the ocean or anything like that. So that was awesome. And then I had no idea. I had no prior knowledge about the Navy. So I was excited to get there and kind of figure out. you know how they run and everything and from what i saw that branch is a little bit more laid back which i would say when it comes to work and stuff i'm i'm the kind of person i'm very laid back

um i treat everybody the same like i treat the janitor the same exact way i treat the CEO and that is just who i am who i've always been and from my personal experience and some people may not agree and that's completely fine. I would say that there are certain branches that treat their people better than others, you know. So I worked with them for about two years. And I have a lot of fun. I think it almost spoiled me in a way because I was treated so well there and I got close to everybody. And by the time it was, you know, time for me to wrap up and move on to the next place, I actually signed a, well, they were handing out bonuses for people, but the catch was you have to reenlist for just one more year. So I figure, you know what, one more year isn't going to

hurt me, you know. I think I was 21 or probably 22 at the time. So, you know, I reenlist and then, you know, a couple months later in 2017, or a couple, however long later, I had something happened to me. And so to backtrack, the army, when they first started, you know, I don't know what year the army started. I'm not really like a history buff. But obviously they didn't have women working in the military. And then as time grew, women had to do. Women had to different rights and then women were able to join the military and fight along the men and everything like that. Well, they've developed different programs such as EO, which is like equal opportunity, HR, Sharp, which is the sexual harassment slash assault response and prevention. So if something

happens to you, you're able to go to a sharp rep and report whatever happened to you. So there's two different types of report. There is restrictive reporting. That's where, say like you're the sharp rep, I go to you and I say, hey, this happened, but I want to keep it restricted, meaning I don't want there to be a formal investigation. I don't want it to go up through my chain of command. I'm just reporting this for my peace of mind. And then I believe in the first 24 hours of you reporting, if you start off with it being restricted, it can become unrestricted. So unrestricted sharp reporting is where there is an official investigation. Your chain of command is going to find out because it's going to go all the way to the top. And I decided that I wanted to go unrestricted.

I'm someone who, I should have been a lawyer or something because I have such a like, I don't even know what the word is. I love justice. Like I love whenever I see something wrong happen and then that person gets like the correct punishment you know i feel like there are so many women who have had things unfortunately happen to them and they walk around with shame which i just want to say like if you're if you're a woman man whatever you are because these things happen to men too obviously it's reported less because of society and the stigma that comes with that but sexual absolutely happens to men too. I think with men, it happens more in groups, but it happens, it happens, you know. And I think there's a lot of things that the military covers up, but it doesn't stop

the fact that, you know, these things happen. But I will say, I don't want to come on here and make it seem like, oh, this stuff only happens in the military. Absolutely not. I mean, these things can happen on a college campus at the workforce, you know, anywhere, really. It's just, it comes with dealing with just evil and just dealing with a lot of darkness. You know, people have demons and they don't handle those demons. And so those demons can manifest themselves in really, really scary and dangerous ways. So I don't want to go too much into my situation, but I will say that the sharp representative. She was fantastic. I never felt ostracized by the military with coming out of stuff. I never felt like I wasn't supported at all. So I will say that one of the good things that the

army has done is provided programs to people. And they have on top of having that people you can come to to report stuff, they also have sharp training like quarterly. You know, So if you're in the military, you are going to go to Sharp Training where, you know, because think about it this way. Like, let's say I grew up in a household where my parents were always telling dirty jokes, you know, and that's just how we communicated. And that's fine. I felt comfortable with it.

My parents felt comfortable with it. No problem. But then I get to the workforce and I think that that's okay. And I say a joke that perhaps offends someone, you know what I mean? And they take it the wrong way or they feel offended. So sharp training was really to educate people on things that could make other people feel uncomfortable, you know. And that's just part of being professional. I mean, we, I feel like at least for myself, I carry myself a little bit differently at work than I do in my personal life.

You know what I mean? Which is all of us. Yeah. So, and I don't know if you guys know the story of, I don't want to say her last name wrong, but. Vanessa Giehan. So you do? Yeah. So long story short, and if I mess up any details, I apologize.

But Vanessa was a soldier who was stationed in Fort Hood. And she went missing, I believe, in April of 2020. And the thing that was strange about it is the military is all about accountability. So let's say you're lining up for formation. you're going to have your platoon sergeant, make sure that he has all his of people. He's taking attendance. And then if he doesn't know where his people are, he's going to know, like, if they're at an appointment or if they're out of town on leave, you know, A, B, and C.

So Vanessa went missing. And later on, they found her remains. And so what happened to her was she was killed. in the armor room, I believe, by her NCO. She was bludgeoned to death with a hammer, and they cut up her body, put it in a box, and I believe it was her NCO and his significant other who tried to cover it up and went to go bury her body. So because of this, dozens of officials were disciplined because the army really failed her. She did, from all the documentaries and stuff that I've watched on it and read up on it. She was very close to her family.

She was a Hispanic woman. And she called her parents and she let them know that something was going on. But I don't think that she opened up about was going on. A lot of people like heavily, heavily speculate that she was being sexually harassed. And whenever they try to get the guy that knew what happened to her, he shot himself. So it's like whatever he did or whatever part he had in it was so bad that he would rather take his own life than confess to what happened. And I bring this up because, you know, I relate to her obviously because I'm a woman. I believe she joined really young as well.

She's a Latina. I'm a Latina. and when I heard that story, I mean, my heart just broke for her family. They, I mean, her family had to essentially like protest outside of the gates because they felt like the army wasn't doing enough to get answers. And I bring that up just again, not to say that, oh, you know, don't join the military. Like, if you're a female, don't join. Because like I said, the, this, these kind of things can happen anywhere, you know.

And I actually was watching a YouTube. video yesterday. Let me see if I could pull up the name. It was a TED Talk. It's titled The Hidden War of Women's Soldiers, and it's done by Helen Benedict. And she talks about sexual assault and sexual harassment with women in the military. And she brought up that a woman who has been sexually assaulted in the U.S. military is six times more likely to kill herself than any other. veteran. So, you know, hearing that, it's like shocking because obviously when it comes to PTSD, people are not, I don't think people were made to like kill each other and to see war. So whenever you have these people going out to war and they're right there and they're being a

part of it when they come back, you know, they could struggle with things such as depression, anxiety, PTSD. And so many veterans kill themselves every single year. So to hear something like a woman who has served and has been sexually assaulted is six times more likely than any other person who was served to kill themselves really tells you that that it's a problem and that it's heavy and um i mean do i think that there ever will be a stop to it i mean that's it's like to say like oh will people ever stop raping or harming women or people i mean i you know i feel like too like you go into that. It's so contradicting because you're supposed to be like tough and strong.

And like you said, they break you down and build you back up. And I think that dealing with already going through that and kind of like completely changing who you are basically and learning all these different ways of living and being taught to be stronger almost and deal with more. I must feel like when something like that happens, it's confusing because you're like, but I'm tough. Like maybe I can just deal with it and take it in. But like as humans, we all.

feel pain and trauma no matter how strong or tough we are. So it's like I feel like you almost are meant to think that you're not supposed to deal with it and then you hold it in or like it's just so I feel like confusing right and contradicting of everything you're being taught. Yeah. That it makes sense to me why people are probably so conflictive like okay, what do I do? How do I deal with this? Maybe I just don't. Exactly. But like not dealing with it. I feel like results in worse circumstances. Absolutely. Definitely. And so I wanted to read some other stats. In 2022, there were 8,942 reports of sexual assault across all U.S. military branches. And that number has increased since the prior year.

So that tells me that it's still happening. It's still rampant. My advice, if anybody is watching not only women, but men, minorities, anyone, if you're watching and you're interested in joining the military, I would say just do your research. Do your research, know your, whenever you get to your unit, know who your sharp person is, know who your EO person is, know who you can trust, and just have your own back. You know, I'm a big believer that at the end of the day, you have to be your own best friend.

I mean, yes, you can have people around you that love you and support you, but no one is going to know, no one is going to know you the way that you know yourself. And if you go through something, if you are feeling pain, no one, Unless I've been through what you've gone through, no one is going to feel that pain. So after I get out of the military, right before I get out the military, actually, well, not get out of the military, but before I switch over to the reserves, I get news that my dad is really sick.

And so they have this thing called a compassionate reassignment where, you know, if you have a family member that has died, recently, if you have a family member that is sick, they will station you at the military base closest to your home of record. So since I grew up right outside of a military base, it was easier for me to get stationed there. And this was a lot going on at the time because I was getting ready to transition from active duty to the reserves. I was going to start going to college and all of a sudden my dad gets sick. And not only that, but I'm also dealing with the trauma of what happened previously.

So it was like back-to-back trauma. And I think looking back on it, I didn't know how to process it. I was just doing the best that I could. And I get to go to the military base closest to where I grew up. And my dad, he had cancer. He ended up passing away, and the cancer took him very quickly. So he passed away in May of 2018. And I think the same month or a couple months later, I get out of active duty and I start

going to college and move away to a bigger city in my state. And it was a lot. You know, I was probably self-medicating in ways that I shouldn't have. And I say that because I think whenever you go through trauma like that, you really need to feel it. You know, you need to, some of the best advice I've ever gotten from a therapist is if you're driving and you feel like you need to cry, pull over and cry. Like if you feel the need to grieve your father, if you feel the need to grieve that traumatic

event that happened to you, don't hold it in because that's how people get sick. That's how people end up, you know, really fighting those demons. how people end up self-medicating and perhaps becoming addicted to substances and different stuff like that. So I really leaned into therapy. So for all veterans, there is VA centers, which stands for Veterans Affairs, and they have different things like, you know, free counseling for veterans. They have things like substance abuse counseling. And I had kind of been to therapy off and off or off and on since I was 16 years old, and I loved it. So whenever I switched to the reserves and I was going to school, I knew that I was going to definitely need that kind of help just to, you know, grow

and just not move on because the thing about trauma is, sorry, I'm going to get comfortable. The thing about trauma is when something happens to you, it's going to be on your psyche. forever. You know what I mean? Now, can you make peace with things? I think that you can definitely heal yourself and you can make peace. But life is constant up and down. So you might have times in your life where you're fine. You feel 100% at peace. Nothing is bothering you. And then you could be going through something in your life that triggers you. You know what I mean? So that's whenever people say like, oh, that triggered me. It's such a real thing because, you know, it could be something, someone says, it could be a smell, it could be a place that triggers you and kind of brings you back.

I know, I always say, like, the older I've gotten, I've kind of realized, I don't think you ever fully heal. Right. Like you can heal, but not like, like you said, it's always there. You never forget. Yeah. Right, exactly. It's kind of like when someone does you wrong, like, I believe in forgiveness, you know,

but you never forget. Yeah, it's always, it kind of just lingers. Absolutely. So I forgot to mention this, but around the time that I found, out that my father was sick, I also met my husband, which honestly, I feel like my husband was like a godsend because I really needed someone during that time. And he was absolutely the perfect person to be in my life. He was supportive. He empathized with me. He was just really there for me. He helped distract me. But at the same time, if I ever needed to cry.

I would cry, you know, it was whenever, and I don't know if you all have ever had someone like passed away from cancer, but it's interesting because you know that they're going to die. You know, like I had to accept it, okay, my dad's not going to be here for much longer, but you're in such a state of shock that you're processing it, you know, when it's, I will say that I'm grateful that I knew he was going to pass because then you get to say whatever it is you need to say before let they go. you know you if you need to apologize for something you apologize if you need to say tell them how you really feel about something you know you tell them if you mean and even just tell them like I love

you so much you know I think one of the hardest things is watching someone you love pass away and like seeing them get more and more sick but I think it makes it a little bit more peaceful right it helps you accept it a little better right and then I think someone just done is a little bit more like traumatic. Absolutely. And you hold it onto it in a different way because I've like experienced both. Yeah. And it's like my grandfather passing away from cancer, it's like I watched, I know what's

happening. I don't really see that as like a trauma. Then my dad's suddenly dying in an accident. It's more like that's something that I feel like it made me, it like made me who I am because it's more of that trauma. Both are equally as terrible. It's just like a different type of acceptance in a way. It is different.

Yeah. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It's okay. Thank you. I'm sorry about yours. Maybe we should cry about it together. I don't want to rent my makeup. No, don't.

So yeah, you know, I met my husband and it's funny because he would have loved my dad. He never got to meet my dad because I was in Virginia at the time. And then I moved to Kentucky and everything happened so fast. He wouldn't have had the time to beat my dad. And honestly, the cancer had spread so quickly that my dad was not like cognizant. He was very out of it. And just like you said, you know, my dad was always into working out, always into lifting weights. And so he was like always a bigger guy.

And by the time that he had passed away, he lost all his hair and he was like half my size. So it was so traumatic. And I feel like people don't really talk about how traumatic it is to see someone, especially someone who has been healthy and super strong your entire life lying there just being like a shell of who they once were yeah you're like watching them deteriorate absolutely yeah and um so my husband was just an angel and he was just i'm gonna start crying he was just there for me and um you know so i decided that i really needed to get a hold of my trauma and i really needed to to to heal so i started doing therapy at the VA. And, you know, sometimes when it comes to therapist, you kind of have to go

through a couple of them before you find someone that really sticks, someone that you feel like gets you, someone who maybe you could even relate to. And so I really credit a lot of my healing to therapy. I really do. I feel like I'm someone who has grown so self-aware in the past couple of years and it's almost at the point where I'm probably a little bit too self-aware. And it's a blessing to know yourself because whenever you know yourself, you know life. Like the more I understand myself, the more I understand other people. And I genuinely believe that if I hadn't healed the way that I did and hadn't stopped, you know, self-medicating with certain things, I wouldn't be able to be like where I'm at right now,

which I feel like I am probably in the healthiest place. I'm probably in the healthiest mindset at this age than I ever have been. I feel like if I hadn't healed, I wouldn't be able to be a good wife to my husband. I wouldn't be able to be a good friend to others. You know what I mean? And don't get me wrong. Like, I have my bad days. I have generalized anxiety disorder.

So, you know, I do things like I love. love working out and that really helps regulate my emotions. I make sure that I'm sleeping, that I'm drinking enough water, that I'm eating well, that I'm communicating, you know, how I feel and I'm blessed enough to where I have family and friends, and especially my husband who are there for me, who know my story, know what I've been through, know my triggers, and are just like, you know what, if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'll be there for you. And the biggest takeaway, want people to get from this podcast is that you can go through things that make you feel broken, but you can also heal from them and you don't have to stay broken.

It's like I love this saying life happens for you. It doesn't happen to you, you know, like life is 80%. Let me see, let me get the quote right. Life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you deal with it. You know, like we are in a sense, we're all humans. So we're all going to have insecurities. Most of us at some point are going to battle with some kind of mental health problem. We're all going to deal with, you know, feeling hurt, feeling insecure, feeling anger, feeling, you know, forgiving people, all of that. But it's really how you deal with it. That says a lot about you. And it tells you how you're, you know, because I don't want to be 80 years old.

and still angry about things, you know? Is there a part of me that still feels angry about some of the things I experienced in the military? Yeah, absolutely. But I will say with that specific event that happened to me, I am 100% healed from that. Now, that doesn't mean that I still don't feel anxiety from it or I still don't feel weird feelings about it. I definitely do. But I've forgiven that individual because it doesn't.

doesn't help me to go on in my life and hold that resentment. Right. You know, I think that individual was just a hurt person and hurt people, hurt people. That's not to justify what he did at all because it's never okay, you know. And like I said before, if you're a woman who has gone through anything, it's never your fault ever. Don't ever think that, you know, when it's, I think a big thing, too, is a lot of women hold shame when it comes to things that have happened to them.

and there's like a saying in AA that I've just heard where it's you know you're only you're as sick as the secrets you keep so it feels so good to like come on here and talk about stuff because I'm releasing it you know what I mean I don't want to ever keep things bottled in because it's only going to hurt me it's not going to help me you know yeah and I feel like while like you were saying it can happen anywhere so like while your experience happened in the military it's It couldn't happen in any workforce or in any situation. And I feel like, like I was saying before, I feel like because it happened in the military, I feel like some people, I feel like it would be less talked about in a way and more shame

because you don't want to like put down this like the military and this big thing that, you know, it's supposed to be so good for the world. But it's almost like it's so important to always shed light on these things because it not that it should ever be normalized, but it makes, I think, other people that this could have happened to. it makes them feel like they're not alone. Right, exactly. And like they don't have to hold things in. Like you should always talk about what's happened to you even when it's hard and it's horrible.

It's like it's better to let it out and express it rather than hold it in and feel that shame and that guilt and like, well, I can't share it because of how it happened or where it happened. Exactly. You know, like I think that that's a big thing. I think that's why it's not really spoken about because of the circumstances. Yeah, absolutely. unfortunate because like you say it really can and does happen anywhere doesn't matter how formal or safe things are meant to sound it just it can happen exactly yeah definitely you have a point and um i you know if someone were to ask me like would you go back and join the military all over again

i would you know i i think that everything you go through makes you who you are and i think that i'm a strong individual who has really learned to love myself and respect myself and be confident and, you know, stand up for myself, which that's one thing. Like, I don't care who you are. You disrespect me. I'm going to stand up for myself, period. You know what I mean? And I'm all about strong women empowerment and just strong people empowerment. People just being who they are, living in your truth, treating others with respect, and just going about things as authentically as you can, you know. So I don't regret during the military. it paid for my school. I met my husband, which was honestly, you know, school, getting my degree

paid for and meeting my husband were the two biggest blessings that I could have ever asked for. You know, and now I am going to be working for the government, which is great because if I hadn't been in the service, I probably wouldn't have had that opportunity extended to me. Yeah. And I think, too, something in my opinion that's like really amazing, about your story is that it brought you so much positivity and so many blessings, but with those things can also come negativity, which is just a part of life. And I feel like the fact that you're able to see both. Like it's because obviously something horrible can happen. You're like, I would never do it again. But I almost feel like it's like to me it shows a lot about you that you're like, no,

like I loved the experience that it gave me and the blessings it gave me. But like you're still coming on here and shedding light on the negatives that can happen to. Right. Because I think both can happen and both can still be there. Right. So. Yeah, exactly. And I, you know, I remember before I left for basic training, my dad was obviously

having her time because I am his youngest. I'm his only girl. So his little girl getting shipped off to the military was terrifying for him. And I remember at the time, I didn't know why he was so nervous. I'm like, I'm going to be fine, you know. like chill out, it's going to be all good. And now that I've gone through what I've gone through, I understand. You know, I totally understand why he was nervous and, you know, why it was hard for him as a father.

And my mom, especially my mom being from a different country, they, you know, she wasn't used to, like, the U.S. military. So she thought that I was going to go overseas and be, like, fighting wars and stuff. And she, my mom is someone who has always supported me. But she was definitely more of the cautious parent, you know, like, oh, be careful about this or be careful about that. You know, whereas my dad was someone who was scared for me, but he would always try to, no matter what, suppress his feelings and just support me and just say, you know what, we have your back. Like, if you ever need to come home, come home. You know, he was always there for me. So I think it was also hard and confusing too because I was going through a trauma that had happened with a man.

And I just lost, you know, the most important man in my life. So it was, you know, a lot of just feeling lost, feeling lonely, feeling because my dad was the number one person that I would go to about anything. You know, he was always, he was an older parent. And I think with that, he was just so wise because he had just gone through so much, so much life. You know, he's experienced so many ups and downs and things that really made him strong. So I always looked up to him. And even today, you know, if I'm having a bad day, I just think, like, what would my dad say to me? You know, like, he would want me to keep going.

He would want me to, like, keep my head up. And even whenever I have my bad days, I try to just really. I think my dad passing away when I was 23, I'm so thankful that I had those 23 years with him because it's almost as if he taught me everything that I needed to know up to that point. Like, yes, I absolutely still felt lost without him. But at the same time, I had those years with him to where I knew him so well. I knew the things that he would say to me. I knew, like, how he would encourage me.

And it's almost like love is one of those things that surpasses, love defies death. Like, you know what I mean? Like obviously you lost your father. That doesn't stop your dad from loving you. That doesn't stop you from loving your dad. You know what I mean? Like love is just, oh, it's so powerful. And overall, I just, I've really, the past couple of years,

I've tried to practice gratefulness and just, you know, being thankful for everything. thing because what was that one quote? It's like a scientific fact that Matthew McConaughey said it in one of his speeches. He was basically saying like whenever you're thankful and you put out gratefulness into the world, it pays you back like double. You know, it's say like, say you're living in a box and you want to one day own a house. Well, the world isn't going to gift you that unless you were like thankful for your box, you know. So even if I'm going through a hard day, I'm like, you know what, I'm still grateful that I have a car. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head. I'm grateful that I have a wonderful man that loves me. I'm grateful that I have a cute little dog that loves me.

You know, like just naming things. And even, and it sounds crazy too, but being grateful that you're going through a hard time because you're like, damn, like this sucks. Like I'm really, I'm struggling right now. But you know what? One day, this is going to make me really, really strong, you know? And it's just you have to believe that. And it's important to have people in your life that are positive and listen to you. And, you know, I sometimes, I used to be someone who, if someone came to me with the issue, I'd be like, okay, let's fix it. Let's get you a solution. When sometimes if someone's coming to you with a problem, they just want you to listen. You know, sometimes you just need someone to be like, I'm here for you.

I'm all years. I'll be a shoulder to cry on. I got you. We don't have to figure this out today. We don't need to figure this out tomorrow. Let's just get through the next five minutes. You know? So I'm so grateful for everything that's happened.

I don't regret anything ever. And again, I would say you're someone who is thinking about joining the military, wanting to join the military. There are so many great benefits. And I can't knock it, you know. there's education benefits there are different ways that you can kind of get plan out the next step of your life you know what i mean and really elevate yourself um just like always just have your own back know yourself um like i said the more you know yourself the more you know life the more

you know life the more you know people the more you know people the more you can plan accordingly and know who to trust know who has your back and all of that and just as always just take care of yourself She's good, isn't she? Shit, you're like a therapist. No, like, I'm like listening to it. I'm like, in my head, I'm like, damn, people are really going to like her. You're good. And so I am going to wrap it up, but I wanted to say one more thing.

Yes, please. I would love to create, like, a community with not only women, but men of veterans where we can just have a community where we support each other. other where if you're having a hard time, maybe there could be links to resources. I don't know if that looks like a website. I don't know that looks like a YouTube channel. I don't know what that looks like. But I have had this like idea placed on my heart. So if you're watching this and you are a veteran and you would love to join me in creating something meaningful, you can find me on Instagram. My name is Adriana Holland. That's A-D-R-E-A-N-A. And then Holland is my last name,

Holland like the country. And I have a business email. It's Adriana Holland.com. Perfect. We'll link it all below to you for you. No, I think that's great. I think that'd be amazing. And we always tell people to like, we rather you put yourself out there because I always feel like there's people listening that might want to reach out or might feel more comfortable like talking to you directly. Because obviously, I think people can watch and really feel heard and have all this resonate with them. But sometimes it's like it gives that extra step if they can like directly reach out and talk to and creating something I think would be incredible. Right.

So I think there needs to be more space. It like creates a safe space. Right. And I feel like there needs to be more of those things for everything in life because it really can make people feel I think heard and understood and help people heal. And there are so many other things. But you seriously are incredible. Thank you. You did incredible. I'm so excited for the next chapter of your life. You can take them off if they're hurting. I can hear better now. No, I'm like, I'm so proud of you for coming on here and sharing your story. And seriously, you did amazing. Thank you. I'm grateful you wanted to come on. So thank you. Thank you so much, guys.