We're All Insane - Surviving Anorexia

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Anorexia is a complex and potentially life-threatening eating disorder. It is characterized by a persistent and distorted fear of gaining weight, leading to severe food restriction, excessive exercise, and sometimes purging. Individuals with anorexia often have a distorted body image. Anorexia can have serious physical and psychological consequences, including malnutrition, stunted growth, depression, anxiety, and even organ failure. It is not just a matter of a person being underweight; the underlying psychological factors and behaviors are what define the disorder. Recovery from anorexia involves a comprehensive treatment approach that addresses both the physical and emotional aspects of the disorder. This may include medical management of any physical complications, nutritional rehabilitation, family-based therapy, individual psychotherapy, and support groups. Early intervention and appropriate treatment are crucial for a successful recovery and the prevention of long-term health problems. Claire: https://www.instagram.com/clairelivezey/ If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all-new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Claire and I am a recovered anorexic. One of my earliest memories is when I was, I think, years old and I was going to the zoo with my dad, which started out really wonderful. I think we went to the petting zoo and my dad, the goats kept trying to eat my dad's leg hair. I thought that was so hilarious. I got to ride on a pony for the first time, which was really wonderful.

But at the end of the ride, they take a phone. photo of you with your parent and the pony. And it's like a, um, what are those polaroids? Okay. So it comes right out. They give it to you. And I just remember on the ride home, my dad handed back the photo to me. And I absolutely loathe to what I saw of myself. And I was five years old. Yeah. Wow. And I actually, I got so upset that I, I ended up physically punching the photo repeatedly in the back seat. What was your dad doing? Was he, like, confused?

He was very confused, yeah. I remember him, like, kind of turning back and being, like, what are you doing? Why are you doing that? And maybe I remember it because it's one of the first times that my dad was kind of, like, irritable with me because he was like, what, what are you doing? And I feel, too, like, a dad and, like, men in general, like, it's like, they don't know really how to handle something like that, too. Yeah, and no one expects that from a.

year old too. So yeah, that's that's the first memory I have of just really kind of a self-loathing within myself. And then, you know, I want to make sure to mention that I have really incredible parents. I'm an only child and they are like my biggest supporters ever and they're still together today. That's awesome. But, you know, it kind of contributes to some of the shame I feel around this whole situation because I really had all the support I could possibly want. And it was like my brain chemistry just wouldn't let things work normally for me. But like I said, I was an

only child. And I can remember because of that, I spent a lot of time kind of daydreaming. And I'm And in my own little world, I had a very active imagination. And like even we would drive three and a half hours to my grandparents' house. And I would entertain myself the whole way, just looking out the window and coming up with funny scenarios. I had little imaginary friends that would like chase alongside the car or glide on like a frisbee next to me. you know, like whatever you could come up with as a little kid. And that was really wonderful until it stopped being wonderful in like kindergarten when they start actually, you know, making sure you're meeting markers for reading and writing.

And I just wasn't there, you know. It became really clear that I wasn't paying any attention. So it kind of started like going into like when you were in school and stuff like that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So in kindergarten, I just, yeah, I was way behind. And so I was put in a slow learners group. I think they thought I was dyslexic or something because I was writing my letters backwards

and spelling things wrong. But if that wasn't enough to kind of make me a little bit of a weird kid, I was also just kind of, you know, quiet and kept to myself more so. And a lot of kids at that age, I feel like they're very social and hyperactive. Yeah. But that just wasn't me. And, you know, luckily at that point in time, parents were kind of the ones who were putting together. They get together's and stuff like that.

So the whole, like, class was invited to things, luckily. So I didn't miss out on anything. but, you know, I didn't make any immediate friends. And I remember one party in particular. It was a Christmas party, and we were decorating gingerbread houses. I guess I was eating quite a bit of frosting in the process because obviously you should. But the girl whose house it was actually came up to me and said, you know you shouldn't be eating all that frosting.

It's poison and you're going to die. Oh, okay. And I mean, she was just a little kid. But I was mortified. Yeah. Thinking you were going to die. I thought I was going to die. Yeah.

My mom was there supervising. So I can't remember if I like grabbed her and ran to the bathroom or if I just ran to the bathroom and she knew that something was up. Yeah. But I was reassured that I wasn't dying of frosting. But that story is to introduce to you. This girl that came up and said that to me ended up kind of taking me in as her friend later that year. And I think you can tell it wasn't going to be a super healthy friendship for me.

I was just so sensitive and such a serious kid. I don't even know where I got that from. Everything just felt so serious. I was going to say maybe too because you didn't have the sibling aspect of like a most kind of like getting bullied by your older siblings or something like that or like rough housing. I think it leaves you being more. I'm an only child also. So I think that it can leave you to be more sensitive to things in the world and in life for sure. I agree.

I hadn't really thought about that as much. No, there was no bullying of me. of me when I was really little. But anyway, this girl, she was just the perfect, like, six-year-old. She had all the best clothes. She, you know, her mom was a stay-at-home mom, and she was able to put her hair in, like, really cute bows every day. She was also, like, naturally a very thin, like, fit little girl.

And I was just not that. at all. I was never overweight, but I was just like a normal six-year-old, you know? Yeah, and I just wanted to be her, basically. And how old were you at this point? I think I was when, I think she befriended me at the end of kindergarten. And so, yeah, like six years old at this point. And then I also. remember there were a lot of like little things that happened to um at one point her mom was getting rid of some of her clothes and i indicated that maybe i would want some of them because you know i wanted to be her um and i remember going up to her room and trying them on i think it was like a really stretchy

pair of pants and a shirt and i'm sure they were stretched to the absolute max because I was like bigger than her but I walked out of that room and I remember just her family laughing and I mean once again that's such a normal thing if someone looks kind of silly it's normal to laugh like they were laughing because you're wearing the clothes because the clothes were like stretched really far okay and it was obvious that they didn't fit me um and I don't know It just felt like there was some joke in the room. I mean, yeah, I think that like a parent should be a little cautious of that. I agree.

I agree. I felt like my body was the butt of a joke that I just didn't get or something. Well, I think, too, when you're that young, we're not old enough to know if something, if somebody's laughing at you or somebody's laughing at the situation. You know what I mean? And especially, I feel like with the mindset that you already had, it could easily be confusing. It was confusing for me. Yeah. And I remember just feeling very self-conscious back then and even now looking back on it.

And then also, you know, my parents, I was allowed to have one treat per day, I guess they called it. It could be something like a popsicle or whatever. But this friend kind of acted like maybe that wasn't a healthy thing. and that made me self-conscious as well. Do you think her parents kind of like were more conscious of what, you know what I mean, like how they were eating and she was eating? I feel like that. Yeah, probably.

Because I don't know where else she would get that from. I think so, yeah. But when you're a kid, you're supposed to just eat what you want, have fun. Yeah. You know, so. But there's definitely, I think, some parents and families, and I'll say unfortunately because I do think that being healthy, is important.

I agree. But there's healthy snacks. Yeah. And you always snack. I'm healthy, but I like my healthy snacks. Yeah. I find them. Healthy snacks that taste good.

Exactly. Exactly. But yeah. And then also, you know, I have some family members in my extended family who really follow kind of like diet trends. There was a lot of conversation about like bad foods. where I don't think that a little kid should really hear that kind of conversation. Obviously, you know, you should focus on nutrition and nutrients and try and encourage the,

quote unquote, healthier option. But having a negative view around food in general, I think really messed me up. Yeah, for sure. That makes sense. So I kind of, at the same time, you know, the big. trend was low fat foods. Every like food item had the code or the key term low fat or non-fat or whatever. So I just got it in my head that like fats were making people fat, you know? And I had heard about adults being on diets and I thought, you know, I could

just cut things out and that would be fine and I would start to look the way I wanted to look, I guess. So I cut out fat like entirely and I also for Lent that year gave up all sweets. And then after that it just became like a slippery slope of giving up. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless.

Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcast. So you were still young at this point. Did your parents say anything? Did they notice, kind of? Or did you kind of keep it more to yourself?

I kept it to myself very much so until it got to the point where, you know, you couldn't hide it anymore. Yeah. I think something in me kind of knew that I don't know. I guess I knew somewhere deep down that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Right. Because my mom would pack me like a lunch with a sandwich and vegetables and it got to the point where I was just eating the vegetables and throwing out the sandwich. or hiding food items under the cushion in my dining room table. So I knew that I shouldn't be doing it.

But I couldn't stop at a certain point. I think that eating disorders kind of become a control addiction. You're controlling what's going into your body when you feel like something else is out of control. So it very much became that to me. It was an addiction. I became really addicted to just depriving myself of stuff. Yeah. And, you know, my parents, once I started rapidly losing weight,

I think it wasn't until I was around nine years old when I was really losing weight. They did step in and were sending me to doctors because I was still kind of hiding everything. And they couldn't tell what was wrong with me. Okay. It wasn't really well known for kids to have eating disorders. So, you know, eventually a doctor did diagnose me with anorexia and we tried to do outpatient for a while. But I was just too far gone. I was too stubborn.

It turned into just like a family catastrophe basically because there was I was always such a, like, calm and easygoing kid. Like I said, I was always in my own little world, basically. But I became really defiant as far as food went. Right. And I guess that was kind of my way of, like, rebelling or whatever. Yeah. Well, I think, too, when you have something like set in your mind,

like you were saying, the control aspect. Yeah. You're not going to want to listen to anybody else. You know, like you said, even if you know deep down something's wrong or not good, Once you're addicted to anything or like even if it is a sort of control of something. Yeah. You know, it's going to be hard to just break that, especially if you've, it's almost like, I feel like too, it was built up over time.

So at that point. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was almost like that was the only thing that was kind of making myself feel good about myself. Just the fact that it's so backwards, but I felt so strong because I was depriving. myself of these things that I wanted and my body needed. I've always been a person who really likes food too. And I think that's true of a lot of people with eating disorders. I kind of

recognized that a lot of kids around me were pickier than me and didn't eat as much as me. And that made me self-conscious as well. So I just, you know, started pushing it all away. But yeah, I did outpatient for a while and I kept being sneaky about it. So I ended up, I don't know who found the place, but I ended up being sent to a in a impatient facility in Omaha, Nebraska. Okay. And where are you from? Michigan.

Okay. So it's a hike. Yeah. I was telling my parents basically they had to like tie me up and drag me there kicking and screaming because I wasn't going to go. I don't know how they eventually did convince me. But my mom and I went to a hotel near the airport the day before we were leaving because it was an early flight. and I remember my mom took us to a dinner somewhere

and I refused to eat anything other than plain shrimp and then I spent the night in our hotel just like frantically running back and forth, jumping up and down, trying to burn off those few plain shrimp that I ate. So I guess, I mean, I think at that point my mom was just so exhausted from arguing with me and she was like she's going to be in treatment the next day she can have this last moment right so it started did you start I guess because

when you said that you were like running back and forth trying to burn off the shrimp so did you start kind of implementing like exercises too yeah yeah um I don't remember so much at that point I know I was trying to, you know, run around a lot. Yeah. I think I had a, well, we'll get into it later. Go ahead, sorry. No, you're not good. So we went to Omaha, Nebraska.

It was a wing on some floor of a hospital. It was within a hospital, a children's hospital. And the place was really nice, honestly. It looked pretty medical. But, you know, there was artwork from different patients on the walls and all the staff was really nice. So it was a good place. I had to sit in a wheelchair for two weeks while I was there because it's really dangerous for little kids to lose. as much weight as I did. You know, their metabolisms are so high and they're supposed to be growing. And so that was pretty difficult for me as someone. Like I said, I was compulsively exercising as well. So they just had you in the wheelchair for safety reasons?

Yeah, they didn't want me to burn any more calories. And they wanted me to take in food and gain weight. And it's hard for kids at that age to gain weight too, because the metabolism. is so high. But I was actually like the youngest person on the unit at the time. And I think that really helped me because I really looked up to all the other girls. I thought they were so cool. And they kind of took me in like their little sister. So, you know, I really kind of adhered to the program. And I think I was there for like two months. I'm trying to remember everything that happened.

I was so young. Yeah. But there were a lot of like, you know, therapeutic different things and just group therapy. Lots of support was there. While you were there, did you start having the desire to start eating again and eating more? I did, yeah. Yeah. Because the other girls there around you, they were eating as well, right?

So it was kind of like you like you were eating. saying you looked up to them in a way. Yeah, it was such a supportive environment. That's amazing. Yeah, the fact that I really looked up to all those girls really, I think, got me through it. And then I came out kind of feeling like a whole new person, you know. And I mean, I got back home and I had a couple of really normal years. I was really boy crazy with my friends. I had a really good group of friends at this point. And the girl who was my friend before was still in it. I didn't hold that against her.

And she just ended up being a more distant friend because that kind of dependence on her wasn't healthy. But, you know, up until I went through middle school, I started high school and everything's seemed great. I had my first boyfriend. I had good friends. My girlfriend group, like, merged with a group of guys, and we were having a lot of fun. I really don't know what happened, but sophomore year, something must have, like, prompted some coping mechanisms in me because I started going back to older behaviors. And plus two, I think the older you get, the more you recognize things in the world.

You know what I mean of like how people think you're supposed to look or what everybody kind of says looks the best, even though there is no such thing, you know, which is hard for us to really grasp and understand, but I think that the older you get, especially in high school. And especially the fact, like, I will say it really does suck. It sucks, but it's just the way of life. But, like, there are people, even like you were saying that little girl, like,

there's people that are just, like, naturally, genetically blessed to, like, look great. And there's people that, like, you look more so normal. But if you, you know, the older you get, it's like some people have to work harder or look like the people who don't have to work hard at all. Yeah. So it's like I couldn't. Yeah. And I feel like it's interesting because, like, growing up and I feel like that's the age that,

too you kind of start to pick up on these things and realize oh well she looks different than me or like because that's the age that I remember people I would start noticing like I had no boobs and everybody else had boobs and I'm like oh well I don't look as curvy and womanly as the other 15 16 year olds which why does it matter at that time right another thing I feel like and everyone's developing so differently I know one of my friends had a really hard time having boobs before everyone else you know it's just so different right and it does go both ways yeah So, yeah, I don't know what happened. I know that for me, restricting can feel like a coping mechanism or something that's comfortable for me because it's something that I learned so young.

Yeah. But yeah, I started losing weight pretty rapidly again. And my parents recognized it right away. They took me to a doctor to get me re-diagnosed to start getting some treatment. And the first doctor that they took me to looked at me and said, like, maybe she's just a small girl. I think maybe she's fine. Gotta love some doctors. Right?

Knowing my whole history and everything like that. And of course, I came out of that being so defiant and being like, see, mom, I'm fine, you know. Plus, too, like, if the parents are concerned, you should trust the parents over everybody else. But, yeah. Yeah. And just knowing that I've already been hospitalized for this, that's so bad. But so that set everything back a little bit because my mom, I think, kind of started to second guess herself too, you know, if a doctor's saying that this isn't an issue, maybe I'm making

too big of a deal of it. So I did eventually get re-diagnosed and we started trying to do outpatient again. once again, I was just way too defiant about it and way too stubborn. So what does the outpatient consist of? Is it kind of just like how do they monitor that? Are you just going every now and then? Yeah. So I had a dietitian and I had a therapist.

Okay. But I never really opened up to the therapist because I was so stubborn. So it was more like check-ins kind of thing? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you're not monitored basically. 24-7.

I mean, my parents were kind of monitoring things, but I was going to school, you know, and I was hanging out with friends. And I was 16 at this point, so it was hard to really control what I was doing. Yeah. And I just wasn't willing to admit that I had a problem, which is like the whole thing. You can't help someone who's not going to help themselves. Yep. So once again, it's an addiction.

And I ended up having to go. to another inpatient stay somewhere because it was just getting so bad. I was down to around 74 pounds as a 16-year-old in high school. I looked really thin and really bad. And I could recognize that I looked bad is the thing too. I could look in the mirror and say, I look like bones right now and I don't like it, but I couldn't stop. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, it's not all about like the aesthetics or whatever. It's more like a mental thing. It really is.

Right. It's like like I mean it's it's really interesting too because I don't think many people relate the addiction aspect to it. Yeah. Because like you just said, that's what it comes down to because it's not like you liked the way that you were looking or thought that you looked healthy. And that's that's the worst part about it too is like I feel like you probably got to a point also where you're like, I don't like it. I don't even know how to stop it.

Right. That's exactly what it is. And I wanted to make sure to say that. I actually read, you know, Jeanette McCurdy. She was Sam and I Carly. She wrote a book and it was so good. What is it? I'm glad my mom died.

I know that. It's so good. I definitely recommend it. She kind of describes how it really becomes such an addiction. Right. And I think, too, it's important that people know that because I think it's so easy with anything for people to put labels on things. And if you don't actually experience something, it's very good.

easy to judge or to not understand because even myself like I didn't realize that aspect of it you know it goes so much deeper than just what the label is right it starts out a certain way maybe you don't like however many things about yourself but then you just you can't get yeah you can't stop get in too deep yeah yeah so I ended up being sent to a place in Ohio I don't remember the name of it but immediately I could tell it was not as nice as the children's hospital because you were older now so it was probably a different kind of yeah yeah yeah it's a whole new ballgame so I it kind of looked like like office buildings almost and there was an upstairs and a downstairs the upstairs was for the impatient like teens and girls and the downstairs was for adult group basically where people would meet

and the upstairs where we were staying there was one huge bedroom with like a ton of beds so you're sleeping in a bedroom with like 20 other girls and there was like one bathroom uh there was a large like community space and dining room basically and the worst part about this place was that they were like only focused on weight gain basically and not all the mental that comes along with it which is obviously like one of the biggest things if not the biggest thing of it is the biggest thing so you know I mean I can I can tell you one day I believe someone else was setting up your your daily meal plan basically and they were just loading you you up with one day I was eating like for breakfast I had a giant bowl of cookie crisp for my snack

I had gummy worms and Oreos for lunch I had some giant frozen like fajita plate for another snack I had ice cream for another snack I had like a giant hungry man meal like no fresh vegetables or fruits Yeah. And I was going to say I'm sure that there's a fine line and their reasoning is because they just want you guys to put a weight, which I understand. But at the same time, I feel like there's a way to balance it. And I feel like introduced that you can still be healthy and eat healthy, but here's healthier carbs and here's healthier weight. Some people probably want to agree with what I'm saying. But I already can see it. But that does just because I just feel like that doesn't mean that you should just shove the worst shit down somebody's throat. You know what I mean.

to kind of like you were saying with the mental health aspect, how can they expect you to really stick to something when you leave if you didn't even get any type of support when you were in there? That's so true. Yeah. And just my whole body was reacting to the fact that there was like no nutrients in what I was eating. It was just so far in the other direction.

I was having some bad digestive issues. I can. Yeah, I'm sure. And they make you go to the bathroom with the door open. because some people purge. And, you know, I understand that. But I was having liquid poop. I'm going to shit myself.

I don't know if you want to hear this. Yeah, exactly. It was just so beyond embarrassing. Right. And my face was breaking out. I just felt terrible. Yeah, because all that sugar and horrible shit, it's going to give you other bad shit to deal with it.

Right. And I feel like that gives you a more negative view around the food that you're eating, too. If it's doing all of that to you. Oh, that pisses me off. I know, I know. Another thing that they made you do is once you had like finished all the food on your plate, there's usually like some sauce or whatever left there, they would make you take your fingers and wipe it up and lick it off your fingers, like every last bit.

That is crazy. Yeah, I know. It's so messed up. Yeah. They did that because like some people will try and like move the food. around as much as they can to leave as much on their plate as they can. But still, that's just such a messed up like practice to be teaching people that already have so many issues with food. Yeah. And I think that's what I'm saying. It's like I know some people won't agree because

they're going to be like, well, this is what they need or whatever. But like there's ways to balance things. And there's always a healthy way mentally and physically to go about doing things and even just like introducing new I guess ideas to people around food and things like that rather than lick every last bite up with the sauce. Yeah and no one piece of that, you know, that day that I told you is wrong. You know, eat gummy worms, eat Oreos, eat all of it. But like if that's all you're eating all day long with no nutrients, no fiber, your body just, It shuts down, yeah. That's the thing, too.

It's like, I feel like, and I guess that relates back to as well the mental support of, like, there's no knowledge because even when you get out of there, it would be nice if you knew. Just kind of like, okay, well, like, they did teach me, like, really, like, you know, like, healthier options or more balanced options. You know, I don't even think, like, healthy, whatever, but, like, just more balanced. Nutrition, like, you were saying, like, there was no nutrition. Yeah, nutrients are what it all comes down to. Exactly. And that's what's going to make you feel better.

Right. Okay. Sorry, I was like, that pisses me off. Yeah, it pisses me off too. And I was under the impression that my parents were aware of, like, all of that, what I would be eating, the fact that it was just all frozen, microwaved stuff. But they weren't. And I ended up calling my mom one day just because I was getting so fed up. I didn't really connect with any of the girls there either.

And I felt like the staff just didn't really care. They were just slapping stuff in front of you and they would make you sit until you finished it even if you hated what you had. I remember one time I had something that literally tasted like it was rotten, like it was bad. And they just had me sit there and like swallow it down. Right.

Probably too because in their minds they're like, well, it's probably fine. She just doesn't want to eat it. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure that they get that a lot, but it was disgusting. That's why you don't cheap out on the food.

Yeah. You know, and then you'll know for a fact. For sure. Actually, get us some good food, please. Right. But yeah, I called my mom and I told her everything and just how I was feeling both physically and mentally. And she was like, okay, we're getting you out tomorrow.

So I really appreciate her for that. How long were you at that one? I can't remember. Okay. I think it was nearly a month. Okay. So still a decent amount of time. It was a decent amount of time, yeah.

And yeah, I was just really thankful for my mom in that moment because I was just so messed up at that point mentally that I thought that, you know, my parents were just sticking me somewhere basically and they didn't care. But I wouldn't have been put somewhere if they didn't care about me. You know, they would have just let me do what I was doing. Exactly. So then I ended up going to another facility in Wisconsin. And that place was a lot nicer. But starting out, they put you in a wing of a hospital once again. And it was very, very medical and very, like, I had some photo frames that I was bringing

with me and you couldn't bring the glass part of it in. I don't think you could have shoelaces or, you know, razors to shave. It was very, because there were people who wanted to hurt themselves. Yeah, like suicide watch in a way it sounds like, okay. Yeah. There was one kid in particular that had a room across from me and he, I mean, I didn't get to know his diagnosis, obviously. But I think he was pretty badly schizophrenic. Okay.

I could hear him like talking and laughing to himself, laid into the night. And I remember at one point he had to be restrained and sedated. And he was screaming. So I guess that portion of it wasn't so nice. Yeah. Well, I think too, because like we were saying, I think the older you get, the more generalized, like multiple people with multiple different things going on are going to be in one area. Right.

He also had an eating disorder and was starving himself because he wanted to hurt himself in so many ways that poor, I can't imagine his family and everything, how horrible that must be. I hope he's okay now. But yeah, that was really eye-opening, obviously. I got through that area of the program and then you're put in like a middle ground kind of situation. It's like a, it was almost like a cabin in the woods, basically. There were some pine trees around. It was actually really pretty. And once again, we were on the second level. All the kids were. And then the lower level was where adults would meet for group. And they had

real food. They had, you know, fruits and vegetables and all the things. And there was one, other girl there while I was there, which was a little bit odd. And she had some pretty unhealthy habits. Habits, yeah. She kind of taught me how to like exercise in my room without anyone hearing, how to like dump some things out when people weren't watching, that kind of stuff. So that kind of drove me further into having disordered thoughts and continuing what I was doing, which is so stupid because that just hinders you from getting out of the program quicker. Which is surprises me that she made it to that level. But at the same time, I feel like you are in such a vulnerable place that especially her

being the only other girl there, you're going to kind of lean on that and take in what you're given in a way. Right. So I really learned some unhealthy habits from her. And then actually, you know, we both made it to the end of the midpoint, still doing what we were doing and still kind of fighting everything. And we went to outpatient. And I believe my dad kind of got some temporary housing out there. So I lived with him.

And I would kind of take advantage of the situation still. He loves to swim. He's just such a precious man. He loves swimming so much. he thinks the world of me and he I would kind of convince him to take me to a pool to go swimming when I wasn't supposed to be exercising at all at this point still I was supposed to be gaining weight you reach a point in the program where they do let you exercise but I just wasn't going to get there I guess I just decided I was going to do what I wanted so we would go to the pool

and I would act like I was having fun but I was really just frantically like swimming around I feel really bad just because he is one of my biggest supporters ever. Eventually, people in the program found out that, you know, I just wasn't gaining weight. I was doing something weird. Did they monitor your weight? Yeah, yeah, there were weigh-ins. And, you know, when you're severely underweight, you should be gaining weight. So I ended up being sent back through the program again.

I went to inpatient. I don't remember there being any... Did you have to start all the way from the beginning? All the way from the beginning. Wow. How long was it with the first process? Do you remember? I don't remember exactly how long everything was.

It was like time wasn't real at that point. Yeah. But you had to go back to basically... Square one. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, the same place where they take away all the glass and everything.

I think I made it through that point quicker this time because I had been through it before. Right. And then I made it, then I made it to the midpoint again. And I think this was the worst I was mentally. I was just holding on to everything as hard as I could and exercising in my room and dumping things out. and it was to the point where I didn't even want to ever sit down. I wouldn't let myself sit down. And when the staff would tell me, hey, Claire, you've got to sit down,

I would do this bizarre thing where I would almost like tense all my muscles and do like a wall sit against the chair. And eventually people caught on to that too. One of my favorite staff members one day pulled me aside and said, why are you doing this? You know, like, what's going on with you? And at this point, I felt like I was, like, constantly drowning, you know? I was doing everything I could to work against this system that was actually working for me.

Like, I wish I had realized that. And so I burst out in tears when he asked me that. And I said, I don't like to let myself enjoy things. which I had never really admitted to myself before. But I think it did get to the point where, you know, depriving myself of food made me feel good. Depriving myself of relaxation made me feel strong. It was like any enjoyment of life at all felt like a weakness at that point in time. So he turned to me and he said, that is the sad.

saddest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. And no one had put it to me like that. Right. And I think that was a turning point. I started to be like, yeah, it is sad that I'm not with my friends right now. It's sad what I'm doing to my body. It's sad what I've done to my family, you know. And I think I really started to to try at that point in time. And I, you know, complied with the program. I made my way through. They actually allowed me to skip outpatient at that point. And I was able to come home.

I remember one of my first journal entries after getting out of the whole program and being back in Michigan, It said something along the lines of, I will stop hating the person I've been and I will become the person I want to be. And at least superficially when I got out, I feel like I did that. I immediately, you know, started, I started a new job. I started buying clothes that made me feel good about myself. I had my hair highlighted blonde because I had always wanted to do that. And I kind of decided that I would give myself things to make myself feel good about myself instead of taking things away.

I think after that point, you know, I was a normal, I was a pretty normal teen girl. I got back into my friend group and, you know, things were good. Were you open with your friends at all with everything that was going on or you really kept it? You kept it yourself? I kept everything to myself. And like to this day, I haven't really told this whole story to mostly anyone. And I don't know why that is. I feel I have felt a lot of shame around it for a long time.

Just because I am such a privileged person in so many ways, I have a great family. I have good friends. You can have everything and still, you know, deal with stuff. I know. I think that's something too that is so important for people to know that just because it might look like you have it all or because you have the support and you have this and you have that, it doesn't mean that you're not allowed to struggle with anything, you know, but I can understand why it's very easy to feel shameful about things that you feel like, well, it doesn't have to be

this way, but I'm putting myself there. But it's, you know, but at the same time coming and sharing it, I feel like should just like lift all of that away because you're going to be helping so much. people because I'm sure so many people feel that way as well. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, that's my hope. I hope that the story resonates with someone and I hope that actually laying it all out there, you know, makes me feel free in some way. Yeah. And it should. Yeah. So when you got out of the program, how would were you at that point, like after that program? I was still 16. Okay. It was during my sophomore year. It was a couple of months, maybe three months or so. Yeah.

And then was that the last program that you were in? It was, yeah. So the last time was, like, was successful for you? It was. I mean, I think I have gotten into at least one situation in college where I did lose some weight. But at that point, I think I'm able to figure it out for myself now. That's what's going to ask you next if you're at a point now where it's kind of like, like how you were saying, because it seemed like before, obviously, you would fall back. into, you know, the patterns.

Yeah. And then your parents would be kind of the ones that took action. But now do you think you're at a point where you take your own action if you see it happening? I do. I do need friends to sometimes kind of check me and say, hey, you're looking like really thin right now. Because I don't see it myself a lot of the time. And I do have that. I had some friends kind of step in and kind of say, are you doing okay?

and then I was able to kind of get back on track. Yeah, which is good too. And just as important as family because I think that even if you have like the best parents that are so supportive, there are our parents. And I feel like naturally we don't always want to listen to our parents because we just feel like they think they're always right, which they usually are. But like I think it's good that you have a good support group of friends as well because you're going to, I think, take their opinions and a little bit faster than you would your

parents because they're your age, they're more relatable and everything in between. But so I think that's really important as well. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so since then, you know, I went to college and I kind of found, you know, things that I really care about. I started taking classes that I find interesting and that fire me up.

Mm-hmm. And I think I kind of found myself through that, you know. I don't need to, to. find all my worth in what I look like or what I put into my body or, you know, any of those things, what anyone thinks of me. I like myself because I care about what's going on in the world. And that's what's important to me. That's the wave that I've been riding ever since.

Well, that's amazing. And I think, too, something that you said about instead of depriving yourself of things, you started kind of giving yourself things. I think that's another good thing too that people should, obviously it's not going to solve all the problems. But I feel like at the same time, it is kind of a better way to cope and kind of help yourself to kind of make that like mental switch of instead of taking things away, give myself things, even if it's little things, you know, that just make you feel good. Because I think when your focus is all on one thing, you know, like food, food, food or something. If you're able to give yourself things in different categories, like you were saying like classes or something that kind of brings out. a happiness and a peace within yourself that that can help.

And I just think that it's so, like I can't stress it enough how important it is because I really do believe that there are a lot of people that think that maybe eating disorders develop because of the media or when you get older. But the fact that it started so young for you kind of shows that it can happen at any age to anybody. Right. And that it's something that because once again, too, when you're that young, parents or, you know, kids because I don't know how young some of these people are watching but I know it varies a lot

but somebody might not even really know because they might think like oh well I'm too young to be having those thoughts or you know because it's it really I really do believe that it's something that people don't realize can just kind of come out of nowhere and you don't really have a reason and then obviously it can get progressively worse yeah but I just think that's important for people to know because it's not just something that like I said before it's not just a label it's not just you sitting there saying, I want to be skinnier. It, like, you know, it actually becomes mentally a struggle for you and something that you want to get out of, but I almost feel like you can and you're trapped.

And also, not to ramble, but I also want to say how important it is to get help, no matter what. 100%. Because I think that it's easy in life to think, like, we're so strong and, like, I know what the problem is so I can get myself through it. But a lot of times we can't. And, like, that's why programs are there. And unfortunately, sometimes you do experience some shitty ones.

But that doesn't mean that there's not good ones out there that can really help as well. Definitely. Yeah. I don't think I would be here today if I didn't go to the programs that I did go to. Yeah. And I'm so proud of you. And honestly, so grateful that this is like the first time that you're really like, you know, talking about your story in detail.

It was incredible. Seriously. Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate you for giving this platform to people who really need it. No, I really seriously, I think that, I mean, I always like to tell people this in general, just like off camera, but I'll say it on camera now. But like people's stories, there's always someone that can relate, even if it isn't the exact same story or situation.

Like there's always something in there that even if it's like just a completely different mental health struggle, that somebody might really relate to it and understand and be like, well, I've felt those ways before. And I kind of fought the help and followed. and everything, but maybe if I just give in and try, you know what I mean, or like, or find a place within myself that I want to try, you know, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel kind of thing. For sure. But you did incredible.

Thank you. Seriously. You should be so proud. Like, and I'm so happy for you. And your journey only is up from here. You're amazing. You're amazing. Thank you.

Of course.