We're All Insane - Surviving Attempted Murder-Suicide

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

CW: This episode contains descriptions of DV, SA, suicide, and attempted murder. The cycle of abuse involves four stages: tension building, an explosive incident of abuse, a reconciliation or honeymoon phase, and a calm period. It's a pattern that repeats, making it difficult for victims to leave due to intermittent periods of calm and promises of change. Recognizing this pattern is essential for breaking free from abusive relationships and seeking help. Seeking help is a vital step towards reclaiming control and building a life free from fear. Importantly, reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness, but a brave act of self-preservation. Friends, family, shelters, helplines, and professional organizations offer resources to aid victims in escaping the cycle of abuse. They provide emotional assistance, safety planning, legal guidance, and a path towards healing. Breaking the silence and seeking help can provide a lifeline towards a future marked by safety, empowerment, and renewed hope. No one deserves to endure abuse, and by seeking help, survivors take the first step towards reclaiming their lives. Gabrielle:  https://www.instagram.com/gahhbeegee/ https://www.instagram.com/gabrielleevephotog/ https://gabrielleevephotog.smugmug.com/ Resources & Help: https://www.joinonelove.org/get-help/ https://www.thehotline.org/ If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. So my name is Gabby Galarno and I actually survived an attempted murder suicide at the hands of my daughter's father. I figured it would be best for me to start kind of before my ex, Zach, and I met just to kind of fill in some of the pertinent information to how I ended up where I was when we met. As far as childhood goes, I had it pretty good. My mom is one of the most amazing,

loving, caring people in this entire world. And my dad was pretty good, too. We definitely had a rough patch and I don't want to get too far into details because we are much better now. But I can't pretend that that period of time didn't have a major impact on me and how I viewed maybe things that were not normal in relationships or how to be treated. So kind of blurred for me what certain red flags should be clear. So I had my first serious boyfriend when I was a freshman in high school. He was a senior, did that whole thing. It was actually pretty good.

It was a nice three years. We just really weren't compatible at the end of the day. And high school's toxic. So it ended up toxic. From there, I ended up with a guy that was in my class that I grew up in a really small town. So we knew each other since we were basically toddlers. He was in all my same honors classes, seemed to be kind of on the same trajectory. is me. And I fell in very quickly with his group of friends. And, you know, we all did our normal,

like, experimental high school drugs that typically happen. However, him and a couple of the guys very quickly, once we graduated, got way into deeper stuff. He became a heroin addict and things got really toxic because that's when I discovered that I was a fixer and I wanted to fix people. And so I thought at 19 that I would be able to pull him out of this dark hole. And in turn, I started becoming numb to a lot of mistreatment of myself. Pretty typical. It started with verbal and emotional abuse, kind of controlling behavior, and then turned physical. Some pretty alarming things.

I mean, he'd bit my face in front of people. And yet, I still tried to help him. help him for some reason. And at this point, I kind of knew that I was just on a path with the relationship that I needed to get out of. So I did. And eventually I had this thing that was on and off with this guy who had a connection to my family. I had a crush on him before I met him.

I saw his high school picture. And I was like, that guy, one day, that guy. And it happened and I was super disappointed that he was in a place where he could not give me what I needed. He was going through a lot of things himself. And it kind of just put me in this like I had a taste of everything I wanted. So nothing else was seeming to do for me what I wanted. So also on the side of that, I grew up in a church since sixth grade that was, you know, kind of like a more non-denominational. church. And I thought that that was really great at the time. And they definitely went through a transformation.

A certain mega pastor who I won't name by name got involved in the board of directors and things changed very quickly. And it felt like I was starting to slowly be abandoned by my church family. one of my ex and I's best friend died and I felt completely alone from my church. They completely just kind of like dropped me because I was struggling and that wasn't good in their image and, you know, being involved the way I was there. So all of these things put together kind of really put me the farthest I had ever felt in my relationship with God. And so speaking of that, there's like some.

some faith things I kind of wanted to just hit on because they're reoccurring themes in my story. So one of those things being the idea of spiritual warfare, which is basically like, so the premise that there's energies all around you at all times, right? There's evil and there's good. And those energies are fighting to basically control where you go in your life, right? And what you're listening to, what decision you make because of which voice you listen to, the angel devil on your shoulder thing. And for me, that was always kind of a more real thing than for most people because in my

family's history, my mom's parents, very long story short, but they had separated after being together for a long time in many kids. And she was the only one that was still under 18. Her dad kind of lost his mind, ended up killing her mom's boyfriend and her mom and himself with a shotgun. Yeah. So ever since that event, all of the women in our family have just had a very heightened sensitivity to things around that most people just kind of would never pick up on or sense in people and around people. And I know that's probably going to make me sound insane to some people.

No, I believe it. Like it gives me chills because like I believe all that stuff. So don't worry. Thank you. Thank you. And honestly, I don't care if they do. because the things that I've dealt with in my life and I've experienced, I think it's 100% more important for me to be authentic to that and put it out there rather than, you know, keep it in the darkness. That's not, we bring things to the light. And so that whole thing within my family was something that, you know, with ex-boyfriends, I would start seeing behavior that was not feeling like it was

100% them, for instance, my ex-biting my face. that is not normal. Right. That doesn't happen. And most even very toxic relationships that have been toxic for a long time, that is just truly like something that now that I'm an adult and I look back on and think about the fact that somebody bit my face is just very alarming to me. And being able to be separated from a lot of these things, I'm able to see kind of the influence

behind that. So now fast forward. Now I'm 19, right? and I've gone through these unsuccessful relationships. I'm the farthest I've ever been from God after coming off of a high of being the closest to God. I was part of starting a high school and college ministry and I was seeing all these amazing things happen

and it just was ripped out from underneath me all at once. And losing my best friend was really hard. And so I started, I ended up working at Chili's. We had a girls night out. I worked at CVS and I got there and all the girls were talking about our server and how they thought he was so cute and blah, blah, blah. You know, I really wasn't attracted to him at first.

And then I ended up applying to work there and I worked there. And he very quickly was interested in me. Side note, my first day training, I actually was trained by my current fiancee, which is super funny. Yeah. Yeah, had no idea at the time. It would end up like that. But yeah, so I met him and he was married.

and he had a young baby and he was telling me a lot of different stories. Wait, this is the one that the girls had a crush on, right? Yes, the server, not to my current fiance. There's a lot of players, I get it. So his name is Zach. For legal reasons, I won't use his last name, but his name is Zach.

And so he told me a lot of stories. He said, you know, my wife joined the arm. me after our son was born. She doesn't really seem interested in being a mom. She met somebody out at basic training. Now, looking back, I have no idea what was true and what wasn't because pretty much anything could be assumed to be alive from him at this point. So I waited a while.

I didn't want to be a homewrecker. I was 19. I did not want to just implode somebody's entire family. So I took my time on it. However, he did the things that narcissists do, which was a lot of love bombing. I mean, he gave me a car, like immediately so that I could see him more frequently because we were like 30 minutes apart. You know, he was constantly spoiling me. He worked a lot.

He worked multiple jobs, which was very attractive to me because I saw it just as him really prioritizing, providing the best life he could for his son. and I very quickly fell in love with his son, I would say probably before I fell in love with him. And I think he knew that. And I think that he very quickly picked up on the fact that he could use his own child as a pawn with me. And the longer I stayed, the harder it would be for me to leave because I had no legal right to that child. Yet I raised him as if he was my own. And, you know, I was essentially around the most as a maternal figure for him for a long.

time in his life. So I moved in pretty quickly and he had a house with his mother, his mother's boyfriend, who also happened to be the father of his wife. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Not toxic at all. And his half-brother.

So it was a very strange household dynamic. And you moved in with all of them. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. There was a lot of tension. His mother, also I won't name her, but she is probably one of the worst people I've ever met in my life. Also, don't know from her what is true and what's not.

She's definitely a person that takes any trauma she's ever had in her life. And instead of using it to kind of grow, has used it as an excuse to be the person that she is, which is not a good person. She had a very codependent relationship with him. She relied on him a lot for finance purposes. Very inappropriate. No boundaries. According to him, she had boyfriends that abused him. And, you know, she knew that.

But again, I really don't know what's true anymore. But both of them together were just very, very, very, very toxic. So within two months of moving in, I went from working full time to basically just being a caregiver for his son. I was home all the time with him and he liked it that way. I wasn't out around other men. I wasn't, you know, having fun. I was just living this stay-at-home life. And I really loved it.

You know, I loved this kid and I loved all the time I got to spend with him. So I was pretty okay with it for a while. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless.

Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcast. So there was an incident between him and his mother's boyfriend, his father-in-law. And we ended up moving out separately, right?

Quick question. Did they ever bring up the kid's mom? Like, did they ever talk about her at all or not really? No. Not directly to me. And as far as you knew, she's away in the Army. Yeah, with somebody else. Okay.

So, and she very, you know, the first year or so, you're in the army, you don't really come back around very often. Anytime she was around, it just, he made sure that he kept us apart regardless. Like, there was no time we met during exchanges or anything like that. It wasn't until we were multiple years in that I ever even came face to face with her. And in her defense, I have no idea what he said about me to her because I know the things he said about her to me. So, you know, being a more mature adult who understands these kind of dynamics more and the psychology behind it. I have no idea what she thinks of me or that'll come up later.

But at the time what she was told about me. Maybe you were a nanny. Yeah, right? No, seriously. Well, and it's funny because her sister, I met her sister. She would watch him frequently. So, like, she knew. Like, her mom had come to pick him up and I'm, like, in my pajamas.

Like, clearly not a nanny situation. Her father is living in the same house. with me. That is so strange. Very strange. And it became very apparent to me that I was so okay blurring morality lines and things that I never would have thought that I would be in that situation for. But I did.

And I think with that being said, there was something I really wanted to touch on, which is basically like, you know, there's this stigma that anybody who's in a toxic relationship either just won't leave or is weak or there's something wrong with them that's, you know, they're choosing this. And I'm one of the most strong-willed people I know. So if I ended up in this situation, granted I was young, but it's not something that's so abstract as people think that it can be. And the way that these relationships go is, you know, it happens over time and you don't realize

it. It's just little by little, you're losing parts of yourself. Right. And all of my relationships started to strain my own family, my friends. He was very good at kind of keeping me isolated, but not realizing, having me realize that I was isolated. So very early on, there were a lot of red flags of like maybe he was definitely hiding, communicating with other women that I had questions about.

Now, if I had a question about it, then I assume it happened. Whatever it was, I'm going with it, was definitely happening multiple times. And, you know, he was very intelligent. So he was able to make me just feel like I was crazy. Like I was just blowing things out of proportion. And he would never do that to me. And look at all the things he does for me. So how could it possibly be the two things at the same time?

You know, and he entrusts me with his son to this level. And why would he ever, you know? So things went on for a little while. and nothing notable stands out until we had moved into the second place we lived together. And I just knew something was up. And what it turned out to be was he was communicating with his wife, telling her that he wanted to give their family another chance. And he wanted to move out to Colorado where she was stationed with his son.

And he had asked me to move out there. And I said, absolutely not. I am not leaving my family, my friends, for what, to be isolated with you and her? You know, it's just not, that's not something I'm going to do. So he had dropped it and he said, okay, fine. But meanwhile, behind my back, he's telling her all of this because if she believes that, then the army will pay for the move. So one day I came home and him and his mom had like secretly planned this whole thing.

So basically all of my stuff was boxed and all of his stuff was pretty much gone and he was gone. And his mom told me this is what's happening. If, you know, he'd like you to come out there once he's settled and can get his own place. And I was so depressed because, you know, you're used to this love bombing, this just like it's like an addiction. the time. But also like not even just that. I think any routine of a person is very hard to break. Yeah. Like you can fully be in something that you know you're done with and still struggle with leaving it behind because you're so used to that pattern of like, but I spend every day with this person. And you know what it's like you start to like become dependent and rely on that

person's presence even if it's not positive necessarily. And I think the biggest part for me was his son, you know, it was, if he was not a factor, I think that things would have gone a lot differently. But I absolutely loved him like he was my own child. And I had never experienced, you know, having a love for somebody that deep. So it was, it was more so him being taken away from me that I was like, uh. Right. So I moved back into my mom's house for a while, super depressed. I like stayed in our like basement chill out area for days watching. Sons of Anarchy until I finished it. Best show.

Literally the best show. Such a good mind escape, too. Yes. That's literally the one show that I finished from start. Oh, really? Yes. Loved it. Perfect.

I'm glad we agree. Yes. So I had blocked him on everything. So he did the classic email me situation, you know. Which stuff like that too, I feel like when you block somebody and they somehow find away, it almost makes you feel special or like, oh, they really tried because they're contact me in a different way. Yes.

You know, like I always thought that that makes things harder. Yes. And he had a very clear tone of desperation, right? Like, I need to talk to you this. I'm not okay. Blah, blah, blah. So from what I understand, and she kind of confirmed this later on without giving me more information, but he basically got out there and then told his wife that he had lied.

They did not. He told me that she tried to kiss him. And he was like, oh, this isn't actually what I said it is. I just wanted the army to pay for this move. And I figure she'll come out here to be with me. So now obviously that situation for him and her is horrendous. He's living in her house. So they were living together.

Yes. He was sleeping on the couch. She was obviously furious. Yeah. So pretty much as soon as he got to be. got out there, he got a job to start saving money to move back. So he really thought he had this level of control that he didn't, but he wasn't willing to let go and just let me move on. So he ended up coming back. Did you guys stay in contact, like up until that point? Eventually.

Like, so I probably went like the first, I think the first two days I was like calling him a lot. Did you ever go there or no? You just went for him. No, I did not. That was a hard line for me. Yeah. I even threw all the kind of brain fog recognized. Also, that would just be so bizarre and awkward. Yes.

It wouldn't even make sense. And obviously my mom is like, no. Right. You know. And did your family like him? No. Okay. No, they did not.

My mom and my stepdad always said, like, we knew immediately that something was off. Yeah. And they were actually really surprised that I did. didn't kind of see that because I had always had this level of discernment with people. But I think like you said too, I feel like his son probably really put like a blinded you in a way. Yeah. Because that was like your focus, I feel like. Yes.

It was it was kind of like a like a smokescreen. Yeah. And he definitely actively used that as time went on. So he was there for a few months. He came back. and he stayed with his aunt for a while and started working so we could get another apartment. So at this point, I had started establishing my own relationship with his father's side of the family. Little bit of background.

His father died when he was 16. He crashed his car. Don't really know if there was intent behind it or not. Didn't get that deep into it. But I started, they lived in the Poconos. Pennsylvania. So I used to go down there and hang out with his grandma and his half sister and I became pretty close. She was in high school at the time and I was not that much older than her. So, okay, so it was definitely very covertly controlling at this point. Like he wasn't telling me

I couldn't do things, but he was controlling our communication in a way. way that I understood if I didn't try to rock the boat or do something I might think that he wasn't going to like, I wouldn't have a problem. So it just became a very, like, low-key way of controlling what I was doing in my life at the time. So he actually, at one point, went out to Colorado, she was not giving him his son. In times they agreed that he would be able to come back here. So he flew out there with his mother, told her that they were bringing him to the zoo and came back with him.

So he basically straight up kidnapped his own child, which at the time, you know, there was talk that she had a really toxic boyfriend that had done all these things and there was police reports that his lawyer got a hold of. So it was very, oh, there's a reason. This is justified. It's for his safety. He shouldn't be there. So I was on board, you know, and he came back.

They ended up having to go to court a bunch and it ended up being like a 50-50 situation. So now we're back living together and I got pregnant. So I was due in February of 2015. At this point, he had started managing a very popular restaurant near us. And that's when he started selling weed on the side. which didn't really have a problem with initially. It was just extra money. It was very small scale.

Very quickly, it became kind of like a distribution situation where he was like moving weight. And he was making a lot of money doing so. And you know that you see it happen to people a lot. It's a power trip. It's a high. And he always had this financial driven mindset. Like I said, he worked multiple jobs.

He always wanted to be making money. But on the flip side, he also had a tendency to have gambling issues. So he wanted to fund his own addiction of gambling. And this was the perfect way to do it. So things started kind of getting out of control quickly. There were just multiple situations that I considered to be dangerous, especially, you know, you're coming back home to your son and me at night. So who's to say somebody's not following you?

So who's to say, you know, there's not somebody that's trying to get something from you and that might bleed into our lives. And I was very aware of that. And I started kind of putting up a stink about it. But I was no match for him and where he had already had me mentally. So things between us started getting really bad once I was pregnant. He definitely did not want another child. he became very verbally abusive where he would take any insecurity I had

and make sure that was like spotlight forefront, whatever he could say to knock me down several pegs. So it take me a little while to get back up, you know? And again, I was just so in love with his son that I was like, this is a rough patch. It'll get better. He's stressed because we're having a baby. Mind you, it doesn't matter that I'm stressed that I'm having a baby.

that I'm having a baby. But so things with him just, he just started changing a lot. And at this point, he had also started doing drugs I didn't know about behind my back. I found out a lot about it after he had passed. But, I mean, I heard he was smoking crack. He was doing meth. He was taking pills. He was doing all these things.

And he was able to kind of keep it away from me because he wasn't home a ton. And at that point, I was like, great. Don't stay out. It's fine. And he started just kind of throwing money at me. to kind of placate me and not so I wouldn't ask any questions what are you doing it doesn't matter here go shopping you know and for me that was an escape that was great fine just I'd rather have it to you kind of probably were like okay this is my situation I'm just gonna write it yes yes and again I really

thought it was a temporary thing that's how your mind works it's how you keep going through it if you if you think it's never going to end you're not going to have the same right you know just willingness So when I was about eight months pregnant, there was the first really scary physical incident. So this is kind of bringing it back to the whole, like, being super sensitive to demonic presences and having it kind of be a reoccurring theme in my life where it seems like an active attack against me through other people in my life. So one night, it was probably 3.30 in the morning. And he worked at that restaurant, which was open very late. It was a bar. And I woke up out of a dead sleep. And I just, every hair on my body was standing up. I knew something was about to happen. I didn't know what, but I was terrified. And I heard the front door open. And I heard him very slowly walk down the hallway. And I don't know, you know, if you've ever been in any situation where it's like suspense, every second thing. feels like it's just dragging and dragging. And I had my back to the door because my instinct was

fake sleep. You know, if I'm not, if I'm not awake, if I'm not engaged, it's taking a whole another step to get engaged. So he came into the room and it felt like an eternity. It really did. He stood at the end of the bed in silence. And I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, you know, my blood's pumping. And I just felt this very heavy. presence. And he started laughing. And he just started laughing in this very maniacal deep tone that I had never heard from him. And he started grabbing at my ankles at the end of the bed and trying to drag me. I'm super pregnant. Right. I can barely see over my stomach. And he's trying to drag me down the bed. And he actually, excuse my language, but said, come the fuck here, cunt, as he was trying

to drag me down. And I just felt this like sense of power for a second. And I brought my knee back and I kicked him in the face as hard as I could. And I mean, it really got him. He had nosebleed. He was good. Yeah, yeah. Pushed all the way back.

Was he, so you think he was like drunk or on drugs at a time? So my opinion with, you know, my faith beliefs are I think he was definitely using substances. And when you use hard substances like that, you become more susceptible to influence. influence of evil. Right, because I was going to say regard, I mean, and the thing is too, there's good and there's evil in the world 100%. And I think people's, I think the level of that can obviously range. You know, like some people are just evil.

Some people are evil and they're possessed. You know what I mean? And I believe in both ends of the spectrum. Yes. But like hearing that story, like it's just like it's evil. Like it's just, and it's scary. Like what normal human is just going to stand. there and stare.

Like that's just like, that's scary. Yeah. Like, and gross. I forgot this part. I like peaked, you know, you did a little peak thing. And I could see just his silhouette because he was backlit and he like had his head

to the side. Ew. He was staring at me. Yeah. Yeah. I would literally probably, I mean like obviously like very different. Like I don't know because I wasn't in the situation. But I would sit up and be like, what the fuck are you doing?

That is scary. Yeah. Really scary. And it's weird too that you like have. the feeling. I knew. Like 100%. But that's part of like what discernment is supposed to be.

Like yeah. When you have this relationship with God, you're privy to things. You know, you, God is trying to be like, hey, like. Right. And it makes you wonder though like what was going through his head. Like why was he laughing? And what was his goal? Like what was he, did he just want to fuck with you?

Like did he want to hurt you? So, so then. So you knock him out with your foot. Yep. I rolled out of the bed. Most agile pregnant person ever. You know, your survival. stinks kick in.

For once in my disorganized life, I had hung my keys by the front door. Thank God. So I had grabbed my keys and I ran down our apartment. You open the door and there's outside stairs. There were four units in each building and each building had a downstairs laundry room. And I knew I wasn't going to be able to outrun him to the car. I knew that if he came behind me at any point, he was going to be able to catch up to me. So I just unlocked the laundry room door.

It had an automatic light. I turned it off and there was a folding table underneath the window. I had locked our bedroom door behind me also for whatever reason thinking it would slow him down and it did. He did not just unlock the door. He punched a hole through it before he ended up, which I didn't know until later. But so I hid under this folding table under the window. And I can just see, you know, when you just see light from outside and you can see shadows

and stuff. And I heard him coming down the stairs and he was whistling. And he was literally saying, come out, come out wherever you are. It reminds you of the shining. Have you seen that? Yes. Yes, it is very here comes Johnny. So, and there's another part of it where, you know, anytime you listen to a true crime story, right, and somebody survived something, they always say the same thing.

There was nothing in their eyes. Their eyes were black. They weren't themselves. And I think a lot of people attribute that to like, oh, temporary insanity or whatever. But when you go through something like that, if you have any level of a little, you have any level of awareness, you know that something's not normal. And that was one of those instances where, like, when I looked into his eyes before I kicked him, he was not in there.

So at this point, he's right outside the window. I'm terrified he's going to come in there. And he heard a car door slam a couple parking lots in the complex over. And I kid you not, he took off at a full sprint toward like animal. almost just took off. Hello. This is Blue. Hi, Blue.

You're so cute. Hi, girlfriend. Come on. She's so cute. Get your butt out of people's face. So he booked it. He ran. Yes, he ran.

I called my ex-boyfriend, figured no one's going to look for it. He's not going to think that I would ever be there. And he was very confused, but he came and picked me up. I kind of walked. We have a gas chain in New York called Stuarts, and we have them on like every corner. So I walked to Stewart's in the opposite direction of where he had ran, and he picked me up there within like 20 minutes. I slept.

He slept on his couch. I slept in his bed. Very strange situation, but I just felt like I had to immediately get out there. I didn't want to go to my mom's house and have him show up there and me be there. I just didn't want to drag it anywhere that he might think of. So the next morning, I wake up to a million miscalls from him. He says he has no recollection of anything that happened whatsoever asking me why the hell there's a hole in the door and where I am.

Do you believe him? Do you think he really didn't remember? Yeah. Okay. I 100% think that that was. So here's the thing. It's not very common. think of like possession, right? And they're like, the exorcist, like people throwing up. Like,

that's not your typical instance. It's just momentary things where you have made enough conscious decisions that you're kind of opening a door. Right. So once you keep making these decisions, they're, and you don't have the protection of God. He was not a Christian. He did not have any relationship with God. In fact, he ridiculed me about it frequently. Even though I was the farthest, I wasn't going to church actively. I wasn't. It was just my own little thing. And he still believed. Yes. And he didn't want me to have that.

He didn't want me to have anything that he couldn't control. So I 100% believe that that is one of the times that it was more than just him being a shit person. Okay. There was another entity at play. Like he was just consumed by evil at that point. Yes. And there comes times where if you're someone like me who I'm protected by God, right, that can't directly. happened to me the way that it could happen to somebody like that.

So oftentimes, you know, people are used against you that are just easily susceptible. So I think the more things he was doing behind my back, he was having multiple affairs at this point and I had no idea. All of these decisions just accumulated and he just started becoming. this horrendous person, little by little. And so speaking of an affair, at this point, I moved into my mom's for a few weeks because I was scared shitless. I was like, is he going to kill me?

I don't know. So at that time, so it had to only be like two weeks because I was about eight months pregnant. I got a message from this girl that he worked with at the restaurant, tell. me that they had been having a thing for months. She claimed she, you know, didn't know about me, but I went in there one time to get a house key from him and had to ask her for him. So like, do I think he lied to her about the nature of our relationship?

Sure. But do I think that she was completely dumb to it? No. She was pregnant and says it was his. there were multiple people that said she was sleeping with other people. They weren't sure if it was actually his, whatever. But it seemed to be like she had only decided to message me once he kind of cut her off. That was not going to be something she did if she had gotten what she wanted from him,

which was essentially him leaving me to go be with her, which would have saved me a lot of shit. But here we are. So I, of course, had the typical victim in a toxic cycle response where I was like, you know, screw you and you're a joke and you're lying and I'm sure you slept around, close your legs, you know, all the horrendous things to do to another woman. Regardless, I'm sure she was very hurt in the situation. You know, I've forgiven her, but don't want anything to do with it. Yeah. So at this point, we ended up moving out of the apartment that we had been in because he actually slipped on ice and we sued them and got a lot of money.

So we had to move also. We got this apartment that when I tell you, you walked in and you knew it was just a dark place, it was horrendous. And we were there for a total of three weeks. I was literally about to give birth. So nesting takes over, right? And you just want to be somewhere. You just want to have a home.

So I was just trying to like make the best out of this place. But things were happening there 24-7. His son was frequently saying he didn't like the scary man with the scary hands that had claws. Like multiple times he would be like, please move. He's right behind you. Please move. And, you know, like a child in fear like you feel it.

You know, you're just like, what? And I'd try to be like, no, no, no. buddy like nothing's there and he's like please move so that was the first couple things that kept happening and then I kept having this reoccurring dream every single night and I kept getting further and further in the dream every night but it was exactly the same every night and then added something different and it was me coming into the house it was the same apartment but different different furniture or whatever there was an old like dial radio above the stove in the kitchen and I would go, I looked down, I was wearing work boots.

So I was a whole ass dude. And I walked into the kitchen. I turned the radio really loud. So at this point, I'm halfway through this dream after a course of like a week. And things in the house just kept getting more oppressive. He was getting more angry. The things he was saying to me frequently were just so vile that I don't even like feel comfortable in repeating them.

That's how just disgusting that his mind was getting. And I strongly felt like this place was having an influence on me also. I was feeling very drained. I was feeling very unhealthy at the end of my pregnancy. I had felt decent up until then. So the night before I gave birth is the time that the dream concluded. and I ended up turning on the radio going down into the basement and there was a girl tied with her arms behind her back around the cement post in the basement, blindfolded dirty dress.

And I literally like first point, first person point of view killed this girl, like tortured her and killed her and like loved it. I could feel it like this person's joy for doing it. And right before I, the person killed her, she looked at me, but I knew she was looking at me inside this man, not the man. And she said, run. And I woke up and I was in labor. And I basically started.

Oh my God. I have some serious shows. Yeah. Honestly, one of like this, I've had a lot of experiences in my life. And this is one of like the ones that really just disturbs me to my core. Do you think that like the good? guy that you were, like, lived in that apartment? I think it was the landlord.

Really? Actually, my friend and I are going to set off on a journey to kind of figure out if we can, like, look up property records, if we can just figure out maybe if there was a certain time that he was living there because his family always owned the house. Yeah. But I know there was a period of time where he was living there only. Like, you definitely, I feel like, saw what happened at one point. Yeah.

Yeah. And when I met this landlord, I was like, but again, so desperate to just have an apartment. I was just like, whatever, we're never going to see him. But I strongly feel that it's him. And I've looked into him a little bit and just very bizarre man. Weird, weird guy. So I woke up and I had started contractions. And there was a ice storm, of course, coming through. It's February. and I called my mom and I was like, hey, I'm starting contractions. I know it's going to be a while, but given the weather, how about you guys head over now? So I was supposed to deliver at a hospital that was about 30 minutes without taking in weather consideration.

Now, typically, you have a lot of time from the time that your contractions start. So they're like scrambling around, getting our car defrosted, getting all the things together. And I just felt really wrong all of a sudden. I felt hopeless. I felt devoid of any positivity at all. And my water broke at 9-12 on my toilet at my house. And at that moment, I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's like my first really like motherly biological instinct.

I knew whatever was in this house wanted my baby. Just wanted something to happen. So water broke at 912, we had to go to a different hospital because I was like, I'm not going to make it. My contractions went from like 40 minutes apart to seven minutes apart in a 30 minute time span. It's called rapid labor. So basically I barely got to this hospital that was much closer. I had her at 1007. And I did not have time for an IV.

Nothing. she had to be intubated because it's a shock going through the system like that and you're supposed to do it nice and casually. So she almost died. I almost died from bleeding out. If we had not left that house, we both would have died in that house. If there was not doctors to be there to save us. So I did not go back after that.

I did one other time his mother had an incident there. She was packing our things for us because I refused. to bring that baby back there. And she was packing things for us. And if that woman had something that she felt was scary to her, you know, she dabbled in a lot of dark stuff. So it just said a lot to the whole energy in the place. She was locked in a room in there, couldn't get out,

saw something crawl across the floor, whole mine. So that's the only time I went back was to, because she called me frantically. So we that is some evil shit. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like, you know, when you're susceptible to those things, when you're just more aware of them, it's not necessarily like, I almost feel like in a way I kind of end up subconsciously drawn to things. And then I have to deal with it later.

Yeah. So now I'm back at my mom's, right? And have a newborn baby. Wait, so did? So was the boyfriend, was he there for delivery and everything? Yes. He very promptly would leave the hospital any chance he got. God knows what he was doing.

He told my family he had, because he had a construction background also. So he was just basically a way to claim the money he was making from drug dealing. So he would say like he has a job. And to me I'm like, oh, he's going to sell drugs. Probably also just, you know, with one of his gal pals, whatever. But had no problem leaving me and his newborn child in the hospital for extended periods of time or even in the days after. So he was very in and out the first couple months. And things just really got worse once we moved back out of my mom's into another apartment.

And there was no watchful eyes anymore. right so this is kind of when he started like spousily raping me um which i never really knew was a thing until i educated myself on all the different dynamics and things i went through but um you know how you're supposed to wait six weeks after you have a baby to yeah he didn't do that um he came home it was probably a month um and he and i was like no like i'm still in a lot of pain i had a horrible delivery. And I just didn't want to, you know, get things messed up down there. And he didn't care.

He was like, nope, this is what I want. I'm taking it. So that was the first time. And then after that, when we had this apartment, it was very common that he would be gone for days at a time, taking trips out west to procure things or doing God knows what. I don't really care. but he would come home and I would dread it because I would know that there's a 50-50 chance he's going to walk in that door and I'm not going to be able to do anything about it because

there's two kids in this house and it was more important to me that they not be traumatized or have to know anything was going on, especially his son who was old enough to know something was wrong if he hears me yelling or whatever. And this like gradually got more violent. One time I woke up and he had come home at four o'clock in the morning. This is like super sadistic. He was sitting at the end of the bed, literally sharpening a knife. And I just like looked at him.

And I didn't say anything. I just looked at him. And he was like, I was thinking about cutting your clit off. Yeah. I've like literally never told anybody that ever. Who even thinks to say that? Like casually. Like, oh, I was just thinking about it.

But now you're awake, so I guess I won't. Not a finger. No. No. Your click. Not even an ear. Okay. Yep.

Interesting. Yes. So things just... It's a great imagination. Like real creative. Oh, my God. And, you know, there was a lot of, like, he enjoyed choking me, but not in a fun way. Like in, I want to hold your life in my hands, literally in my hands and be in control of if you take another breath.

And so basically any time there was any intercourse at this point, it was a rape. Like I did not want it. I stopped saying no just because I didn't want to anger him more. I felt so trapped. Now I had my own child with him. He had always proved to be very litigious with his. custody battle with his son and that he would spare no expense to get what he wanted and to be able to keep up the I'm a great dad I have my kids and love them role so I just felt very

helpless thinking that he's going to end up taking my daughter from me and also I have no right to his son that I've raised so if I leave who's going to protect him you know um obviously now I know that that's kind of a way he was able to consciously keep me in that state because he would frequently say like, yeah, you can go ahead and leave, but you're never going to see him again and things like that. So, and I had no relationship with the mom at this point. So it's not like I could even be like, hey, like this is what's going on. You know, can we just establish our own thing? Yeah. So. And how long were you together at this point? So that would be about two and a half years.

Okay. That's a lot that happened in that time too. Yeah. Yeah. Like it seems like it would be like four or five. No. Yeah. And especially because like the first six months or so, he was hard on the love bombing.

So it was like almost still such a whirlwind to me. If you clung on to that. Yeah. I'm like if I can just be patient. Right. You know, he'll get back to that. If I could just show him a great mom, you know. And obviously that was not going to change anything.

So he was arrested and it was actually New Year's. So at this point, you know, I'm just going through all this horrendous shit with him for almost a year at this point. Our daughter is older. Oh, at this point he's having me tailed. He literally paid somebody to tail me 24-7. For what reason? Just the control? He was losing his shit.

I mean, he was losing his mind. Did he think that you were doing? something? He 100% did. I actually had to have a hand surgery. See, my my pinkies all bent. And I couldn't use this hand at all for like six weeks. So we hired my coworker who then became my best friend after this. But we hired her to essentially be a nanny because I couldn't do anything. And he started thinking something was going on between her and I just because she's bisexual. And he would like show up when he wasn't supposed to be back. And like we would literally never even sleep in the same bed because we didn't want him to come home and think anything, you know?

And he also, like, gave us a lot of, like, I was definitely abusing, like, Xanax and hydros and not to the level of, like, alarming, but I didn't need to be taking them. I just felt better being some type of high. And she would, too, because we were stressed all the time living in that environment. And I mean, I'm so grateful to her for this day for just sticking by me through all of that. And it's horrible the things like she had to kind of go through with me and see and just try to be there for me for and be appalled the entire time. She's still my best friend to this day. And it's probably one of the best relationships that I could ever imagine having.

Because when somebody sticks by you through something like that, you know, there's just a level of understanding that nobody could. ever really know. So he got arrested in Wyoming, of all places, with like 28 pounds a pot and his best friend. So I had to drive to Wyoming with his best friend's horrendous girlfriend and bail them out and come back, right? So at this point, paranoia really started setting in for him. he had been to jail before when he was like 18 and he had always said he'd rather die than go back to jail don't know what happened there but that's what he said and so now that there were charges he was

really just kind of not thinking clearly when it came to like okay this is the logical process of how this is going to go like automatically in his mind he's like US marshals are going to get me if I don't go to this court date or, you know, like grandiose sense of self. You're really important, dude, with your 28 pounds of pot in Wyoming. So, I mean, in Wyoming, it was a big deal because it's Wyoming. Everything's a big deal. So he came back and this was the beginning of January. Our daughter turned one in February.

We were not getting along whatsoever. My family couldn't stand him. It was just bad. We had her first birthday party at my mom's house. he rode separately from me, showed up high as a kite, was basically passing out on my mom's kitchen floor, just like slumped there. I have a picture of him like on the floor.

And everybody was horrified. His own grandmother took him outside to yell at him and be like, what the hell are you doing with yourself? Like you're showing up at your daughter's first birthday party out of your mind. So the party went. on and I stayed to help clean up. I didn't have my house key and I explicitly told him that. I said, please don't lock the front door. I'm going to head back in a little bit. So my best friend, another friend of mine, my daughter Aurora and I got home and the door is locked. So there was a

door and then there was stairs and there was another door. So I was like banging on the door for Madlong trying to call him finally five minutes. It's cold outside. It's February. I have a baby. And he finally comes down to the door and he's just so annoying. that I woke him out of his drug slumber. So I'm like bitching at him at this point because I have two people with me. So I'm like, whatever. I'll say some stuff. And we're walking up the stairs.

And I'm holding Aurora. And I'm just like, you know, like it's really irresponsible of you and blah, blah, blah. And he just turned around and slapped me across the face while holding his child with two people behind me. So I immediately was like, get out. I screamed at him. And that was something I hadn't done in a long time. I had not had the courage to raise my voice at him like that. But, you know, mom protection mode, I just screamed this very feral scream to get out.

So he left. And I didn't immediately call the police. The next day, however, he was being very erratic. He was making threats to me and my best friend. He was saying, like, if we left the house, we'd get shot. also he would burn the house down with us in it is that what I wanted especially if I call the police but I she convinced me she was like you need to at least like talk to them and I was going to however he showed up first with the police to get his things because he was very manipulative

so he thought he was being very smart to call them and be like this is a very bad situation I really just need an escort to make sure that this goes okay. And my best friend was holding my daughter when he came. And he was like, I'd like to say goodbye to my daughter, Amanda. And she was like, no, I'm not giving her to you. And the cop was like, you have to. He was like, he's not leaving with her, but you have to give her to him. So she had to hand her over.

And I just stood there and watched as he just kind of held her. And like, he wasn't even looking at her. He was looking at me. literally just holding or looking at me, dead-eyed. And I just knew that shit was about to hit the fan. So he left and I continued to talk to the officer. And I was like, so this is what happened. Like, you know, I don't want to press charges, but I'd like to file a report.

And he did that thing that cops do where they lie to you because they can and told me it was completely fine that we didn't have to press charges. But because it did involve a minor, they are obligated. to press a charge. So he got charged with domestic abuse and endangering the welfare of a minor. So now he has these charges in New York and these charges in Wyoming. And he is just losing it. Complete breakdown.

Completely erratic behavior saying all nonsensical things, doing a ton of drugs. He owned a trailer in this trailer park that he was trying to renovate to rent out. And he went there and was like speedbrivol. balling drugs and just doing back and forth. And we were afraid we were going to end up dead. We did not leave for the next 24 hours. And then his mother called me at like four or five in the morning. And she lived in South Carolina at this point.

And she was like, you need to go find him. He was on the phone with me. He said he was going to kill himself. And he just stopped talking. I think he took a bunch of things. Go find him. My best friend did not want to go find him. but I still was the type of person.

I'm not just going to like know that information and not go try to do something. So I showed up there with her. He was overdosed. He had a bunch of suicide letters around him. We called 911. They came and they resuscitated him a bunch of times. I was frantic. She was eating peanut butter crackers in my car, just unamused.

So ended up, he was in the hospital. on a psych hold for a little bit. And at this point, he was able to kind of get me back to a place where I thought this was going to change things, right? I thought this was his rock bottom. And I was going to start seeing the things he was talking about in the hospital when he didn't have access to drugs. And first of all, they just diagnosed him with basic depression after all, all of these

incidents and me talking to his doctors. And they gave him, you know, a low-dose antidepressant. I think it was like Zoloft and sent him on his merry way after his hold. I think it was like seven or ten days. And his mom and his uncle, who had also kind of been like business partners with him and the whole weed thing, were immediately, instead of being like, yeah, like, you need to turn your life around. We're like, get back going.

Let's get that money. So it doesn't matter what I was trying to do regardless. Like he was continuing. He had other people telling him to just keep doing what he was doing. So this was in February. Well, it was in March by the time he was like out and we were speaking again. I was on his bail from Wyoming, right? And it was $10,000 bond.

So I would be on the hook for $100,000, which I obviously did. not have. So at this point with all of his behavior, I had taken myself off. And this was right before the suicide attempt. And I told him that I was doing that if he wanted to like call the court, have his mom get put on, whatever, they didn't do what they were supposed to do. So now he has an active arrest warrant from Wyoming plus the warrant from New York. Just because he went to a hospital stay doesn't make those things stop. Wyoming did not. care. They were like, nope, she revoked your bail. Clearly you are unstable. We want you back here through the duration of whatever trial you end up having or your whole court process.

So this is when he was like super on the run to him, right? Like fugitive number one, public enemy number one. Yeah. They're hunting him. So luckily this provided me some distance. I had also, So there was an, right before the suicide attempt, I also forgot this. He, um, he was just really scaring me. And I knew from his past legal battles and things he had done with his son that if there was no custody order in place, he could take her. And I wasn't going to be able to do shit about it if he could physically remove her from me.

So this one day, um, during this erratic couple, um, couple days, I had my mom and my stepdad take her and they literally, my mom still talks about it to me, just like thinking how surreal it was that she had to take her granddaughter, drive around for a couple hours because I didn't want them to stay in one place. I didn't want him to be able to find them because if he did, they couldn't stop him from taking her if he called the police regardless. So I went and got an emergency temporary order, custody order. So now he is viewing.

this as number one the police pressing charges on my behalf for the domestic abuse um me getting this custody order me taking myself off his bail i am like actively against him at this point i am trying to take him down um so he after he was out of the hospital he continued to do a bunch of drugs um i heard his story he was wearing a wig selling drugs i don't know I don't know. The things I've heard after, I'm like, I'm sorry, what? Right. So he was more erratic than I even knew.

He was living in a hotel a lot of the time, eventually kind of went to live with some dealer friends of his in an apartment complex. So a little while went by and we were communicating still. Like I had a burner phone just to communicate with him because he was so paranoid that, you know, the forces at B were. Was he like hiding? Yeah. I mean he was like, yeah, he was like going from motel, the motel and then that apartment and he would be like super sketchy like when he would leave and be like looking around. Right.

Yeah, yeah. And I wasn't like really seeing him often at this point. I had brought our daughter because again, see, he still had a hold on me. Oh, I had him. Whenever he had his time with him, he was with me. Okay. At my mom's. Got it.

I tried to tell. when things were getting really bad right before the suicide attempt, I tried to tell his son's mother. I was like, listen, don't let him take him. Like, things are bad. And, you know, I don't know, again, I don't know what he said to her. And she wasn't present for all these things. So I think she took it as me just like trying to be vindictive to him. And I'm not going to lie, I don't think she's the brightest crayon of the box. So I don't have very high opinions. Especially when I'm like reaching out mom to mom and being like, no, this is dangerous.

Like I am keeping your child safe. You have no idea what I've gone through for your child when you weren't even around. So still had this hold enough over me to where I did see him a couple times over the few months. And then he finally was like, listen, we need to really, like, sit down and discuss, like, what we're going to do moving forward with child support. And, like, if you're going to let me see her. And meanwhile, he's still got all these, like, court things that he's just, like, ignoring. But I'm still so trapped in this mental hell that I'm like, okay.

And plus, I'm really afraid of him at this point. Like, he had shown that he wasn't afraid to do anything. if he was desperate enough. Right. So I didn't feel comfortable going to the apartment that he was staying at, which I thought was very smart. So I met him there and he was going to drive us to this burrito bar, 30 minutes away in Albany, the Capitol.

And it was Cinco de Mayo. So we got there. And I was not a big drinker, but I did not. want to be there whatsoever. And he immediately was like, if you want to drink, that's fine. I'm not going to have any drinks so I can drive. So I got their birthday margarita, which is basically the size of two of my heads and drink it by myself because that's obviously the only logical thing to do in that situation. So it was not going well, this conversation. I was actually holding my ground and being like, no, I don't want to be back together. I don't want this. I don't. I don't.

He was getting more and more frustrated. So there came a point where I had to go to the bathroom. And I got up and something just told me, turn around, look over his shoulder. So I did. And he was on plenty of fish. As soon as I got up and went to the bathroom. And he had been begging and pleading for our family and to take him back and blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, you have got to be kidding me.

What are you doing? Like, what is the point? ended up slapping him across the face, which first time I had, like, you know, taken the initiative, not, like, defended myself, but, like, been, like, hmm. So he, like, stormed out, right? So odd little tidbit, the guy that had the relations to my family, right? So essentially, he's my stepdad's nephew, the one that I was like, oh, I just wish it could work. He's so perfect and amazing. He also happens to have the same name, but so we'll call him. So we'll call him Jack for for differentiating um i texted him because i'm drunk i'm in the city he lives in and i'm like

what are you doing like maybe i'll just end up going there like i considered myself single you know and we had recently reconnected the month before at his sister's baby shower and there were like spark things going on and his daughter was the same age as my daughter and like you know just kind of felt like we were crossing paths at the right time again. And he happened to tell me that at that moment, he was using a Ouija board. And I was like, what? Like, so I just ended the conversation. I'm like, okay, weird. So he, Zach came back in after 10 minutes, super calm, nothing, nothing on his face. And he said, I took some time to think. I understand where you're coming from. I understand you don't want what I want anymore. And that's completely my fault.

However, you're really intoxicated, so I'd like to get you home safely. So to me, I'm like, great. Bring me home, get me out of here. Glad he's finally understanding. I should have known that that was too good to be true. But probably top two I've drunk I've ever been in my life. It's a miracle I remember anything. So we got to the car, which was the way that it's set up in Albany.

There's like this big park. and a bunch of businesses around it. And then from the big park, there's this one main road that leads right to the highway. And so we were parked in that park. And we got in the car and he turned to me and he said, I'm going to ask you one more time, give me another chance. And my drunk ass started laughing at him.

And I was like, no, absolutely not. And that's when his face completely changed. The eyes went black. I was like, oh, shit. he just lunged at me. He punched me in the face, like, grabbed one side of my head, punched me in the face probably three times, took my hair with both hands and slammed my head off the window a few times. I have a concussion. I'm bleeding from my face.

It took me, I don't know, time is a really weird thing to comprehend during this point. but it took me a little bit to kind of gather myself. And at this point, I'm like huddled trying to protect my face. And I look up and I realize we're about to get on the highway. And he is wild looking. He looks like an animal. Like just beyond describable, really. Like if you've ever seen a person in that state of being, it's one of the most alarming

things you could ever see. And again, it just, it was not him. Like there was more behind that than just him. And he was sober. Like he was not under an influence of anything that I know of unless he took something in that 10 minutes, but it wasn't enough to, you know, visibly tell or anything. So he started screaming that literally if he couldn't have me, no one would. And he was, if I wasn't going to be with him,

then he was just going to crash the car and kill both of us. So this is where like the opposite end of my faith journey kind of comes in. There had been plenty of times in my life that I had not necessarily, I just had questions and doubts like anybody that has any faith. But this is kind of the part of the story that it sounds weird to say, but I am beyond grateful for because there is not a single day in my life from that point on out that I can doubt. the existence of God and what God will do for me and anybody else.

So there's a difference in like the survival voice in your head, right? And what I experienced. It's really hard to describe. But so at this point, he is yelling, I'm going to crash the car and kill both of us, right? It's announcing it. And the only way I know how to describe it is like this, this voice was just like all. encompassing. It was like every cell of my being was hearing this voice. It wasn't in my head. It wasn't in my heart. It was through my whole body. And, you know, as someone who grew up a Christian,

basically your whole life, you're told like, you know, you have the Holy Spirit. You get guided. And you do experience like, you feel like, oh, I'm clearly supposed to make this choice. But this was something that I have never experienced before. I've never experienced after that. it was literally like I felt certain that my creator being was with me in my being. And I know a lot of people will say like, it's survival. You were in shock, blah, blah, blah. But shock is a lot of like nothing, right? Feeling numb.

I felt so peaceful beyond anything I've ever felt in my life. During the scariest moment of my life, I knew that I was safe. I knew that he was not going to be able to prevail in what he was going to do. So the voice said to me, say Aurora's name. And I looked at him and I said, please don't do that. Aurora needs her mommy. At this point, we're on I-90. We're doing 75 to 80 miles an hour.

He looked at me and he just said, okay. And he exited the car that he was driving. Just open the door. So weird to explain. really smooth. Like he just opened the door and, and the door shut. And I just, now this part is more.

Wait, so this is, the car was still going? 75 to 80 miles an hour. Yeah. Yeah. And he just, just, just, and this is on the highway. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It was a Jeep.

So number one, it's a miracle that it didn't roll. It didn't crack. I mean, again, 100% God thing. Like, Jesus. take the wheel. But literally, like, door shut. And then survival took over for me, right? I just felt nothing.

I didn't comprehend anything that just happened. I just grabbed the wheel. And I just kept the car straight, so drunk and concussed. And when the car coasted down, I just moved over into the driver's seat. And I remember thinking to myself, this is really weird. Why am I moving into a driver's seat? But your brain won't let you fully process something like that until it knows you're safe, right? Right.

And so I pulled off an exit. I pulled into a parking lot. I made a very nonsensical phone call to Jack's mother, so my stepdad's sister, where I was just like, I don't know, he was in the car. Now he's not. She had no idea what I was talking about. Everybody just assumed, I called my sister too. just assumed I was really drunk and nothing I was saying was making sense

so it wasn't like I was like help I need help I didn't even know what had happened I just like still can't believe that like the car was going that fast and he flings out and you were able to like like I would think that the car would like crash yeah yeah so would everybody else and that's why it was really hard for the police

and we'll get there but I mean again, 100% was in God's hands. Like, card and roll, card in crash, cart, nothing. I was able to just be okay. And so I made these couple phone calls. I promptly vomited from my concussion and my alcohol poisoning and passed out. A few hours later, I'm getting woken up by a state trooper, knock, knock, knock.

He has no idea that I'm associated with this random person in the road. Um, so he did not get hit by a car or anything. He took about 40 minutes to bleed out internally and he died. Wow. I'm surprised he didn't get hit. Yeah. No. The first, I believe the first person that came was a nurse.

And yeah, he didn't get hit. He just obviously had a lot of injuries from jumping out of a moving vehicle. So at this point, I still don't know what's going on, right? I just know something's wrong. I'm covered in blood and vomit. And this cop is like, are you all right? Like what's going on? And I was like, I don't know.

And he was like, I'm not going to arrest you for a DWI or anything. He was like, but you need to have somebody come pick you up. You can't drive this car. And I'm like, okay, he's like, what happened to your face? And as soon as he said that, I just remembered like the physical assault part. And I was like, oh, my God, I think my daughter's father attacked me last. night and he was like, do you want to press charges? And I'm like, no, I don't really know what's going on. I don't know where he is. Like, I just want to get home. I'll call somebody. And he's like,

okay. So after a minute, he was getting ready to leave. He was in his car. I was in mine. He motioned me to roll down the window while he was going by. And he said, hey, from a father's point of view, it sounds like you really need to kick him to the curb. And he said, kick him to the curb. And I was like, oh, my God. And he had already pulled away. And I then remembered. I'm like, oh, my God. No, he kicked himself to the curb. So, like, you can't even, like, the irony is just insane. So at this point, still don't know where my regular cell phone went to this day, but I had that burner phone.

Okay. So I tried to call him. This point, they're at my mom's house. My mom thinks I'm dead somewhere. Right. Because they're like, hey, we found his body on the highway. Oh, my God. But we don't know where your daughter is.

Or the car. Yeah. Yeah. So she's going through some type of parent hell. I hope I never have to feel. And then I call them. They picked me up. They brought me straight into interrogation.

I won't go too deep into this part too because I am, now that I have a few six years removed, seven years removed, I'm at the point where I'm starting to realize how horrendous my treatment from the police was. And I'm starting to look into some legal avenues to see if there's something I can do about it because I threw up multiple times in their interrogation room and I was never given medical attention. They knew that I was clearly intoxicated

and proceeded to interrogate me regardless. And beat up. Yeah, yeah. A hundred percent of victim in this case. And I understand to a certain extent, like, the situation is so bizarre and peculiar, you are not going to believe it at first. I get that. But I was like, it's so funny because I'm like a true crime junkie.

And you would think my first word would have been attorney. But I was still so drunk. I was so in shock that. And I knew that what I had been through was so horrendous that I'm thinking to myself, well, I have nothing to hide. Like let me just get this over with and give them the information they need so I can be on my way and go see my child because at that point I had already experienced like my life didn't flash

before my eyes hers did like what I wouldn't see her prom her first boyfriend like all those things so I just couldn't wait to get to my kid my parents were there waiting they wouldn't let them come back they're like she's legally an adult so I was immediately just treated like I killed him and eventually they got you should have heard some of the theories they were like you know they'll just like

like throw things and see if like you react to something like was there another person in the back seat that held a gun to his head and above like what yeah what um and you know people from my small town who don't like me love to use this to say like oh you know she killed her daughter's father like to this day it's like a whole thing also you would think they're like with his previous suicide attempt well and a lot of them didn't know about that but like the the cops eventually did. So it's like, and the arrests and everything. He's just not a stable person.

Right. I'm literally his victim on a domestic report. Right. And it wouldn't really make sense logically that you would have pushed him out of the car. Or like, yeah, in physical sense. None of it would make sense. No. How do you reach over somebody in a Jeep?

Okay, large cab. Right. How do you reach over somebody with strong wind resistance? Open the door with one hand. Yeah. hold it open and then force them out of the car while they have. And just be beat up, which maybe you did to yourself. Did it to myself.

Like just for funsies. Make it really legit. Just plus also like if you think about it, like he had the brakes. He had the steering wheel. He could have done a million things to prevent himself from being shoved out of a car. His mom obviously ran. This is still her thing to this day. I killed her son.

It's my fault. She just won't accept any of the guilt. that she should have for being the most horrendous parent I've ever encountered and never putting her child actually before herself. And, you know, they all needed somebody to put their guilt on. So I became that person for all of these people and I don't care. So anyway, finally, I was like, I must have been the world's most annoying interrogation person because when I say I'm a true crime. I still have that knowledge, right?

So my drunk self is like, oh, good cop, bad cop. Who's the good cop? I'll just take him. They're like, oh, my God. I'm like, oh, my chair's wobbly. Like, good job, guys. I made a comment about how it was cold and then it was warm. Like, oh, going to get me.

So bad. Oh, my God. And you would think they would know something was wrong when they would leave the room. And obviously they're like watching me. And the lights were on a motion. sensor and I would literally just put my head down on the table and basically like go to sleep, pass out of exhaustion and shock and all of it until they came back in and I'm like, oh, here we go.

Like it was hours. So I finally like write up my statement and they tried one more time. I was about to leave and the really dushy captain came out and he was like put her back in the interrogation room. So I went in and I'm like, what? And they're like, well, we talked to the medical examiner and we're, we're, we're a little confused why he has gouges from his forehead. Was there a weapon used? I was like, oh, I don't know, maybe because he hit asphalt. Right. Like, no, I don't have an explanation.

But at the same time, they didn't collect my clothes. They didn't swab my hands. They didn't do like any of the things. So I'm very confused to this day. Like, did you think I did anything or not? Like, very contradictory. Yeah. They took pictures of me, but that's about it. Yeah, it's almost like they just wanted to like pressure you and just... It was horrible. And that was like a whole other level to the trauma. Like, I'm a white girl from a small town in upstate New York. I had never had a bad experience with a police officer.

First of all, I knew most of them in my town. But any trooper, sheriff, whatever, I was never... I had a privilege, you know? I didn't know to be wary. And that was the first time I was like, oh, my God. like they are not my friend they like really just put me through the ringer for nothing while I just went through something horrible yeah um so right after that um oh no that was about it so right after that um his mother contacted my mother and said I wasn't welcome at his services as if I

wanted to go. She had an open casket, which mutual friends of mine that, you know, went were like, I don't understand why she did that. That it was horrendous. Um, what the fuck? Yeah. Yep. She had, they had like a go fund me set up. Now, granted, I know there's like, you know, a lot of expenses with a funeral. However, she never got him a headstone. Um, his sister, who was 17, When he died, saved money through college to buy her brother a headstone. His mom sold all of his shit, but never bought him a headstone. But she really wants to play this like, obviously she has grief. But to what level did you really, were you ever able to love your child if this is your behaviors?

And she did lose a child to cancer when he was young. So, you know, not making excuses for her because you make the decisions. you choose how things are going to impact you. But it just kind of reassured for me, like, nope, these are horrible people. Yeah, that you don't want to have in your life at all. Yes. So I did obviously not go to that service. So at this point, my stepfather did PR.

And so he was able to keep my name out of every publication. Now, it's something I dread is having to give my daughter the full story because I don't ever want her to look at me as this victim. Like, I want her to know that I'm strong. And, you know, God wasn't okay with us not being together for our lives. And what I'm worried about is her finding newspaper articles, right? Because the media has a way of not giving a story. They just kind of, and also the police, for whatever reason, seemed very, like, spiteful

toward me. So the way that they gave their information, basically a lot of the titles were like, man found on highway after fight with his girlfriend. Girlfriend did not return. Yeah. Girlfriend was passed out. Yeah. Girlfriend was drunk and girlfriend was what going to throw it in reverse on an interstate.

Yeah. Or get off an exit. Go back the other way. Get off an exit farther and then get back on to get. no should I have called 911 immediately yes did I process what happened no right not at all not even a little bit so um yeah that was really fun the whole media circus and obviously like people in my life knew it was me and um so I had like a ton of amazing support of course but then I also had the she's a murderer she's a murderer and I never really like you know came out and like

was like screw you guys, blah, blah, blah. But I guess this is me doing that now. Here's the real full story. Yeah, here's the story. And I don't really care what you want to say if it makes you feel better about yourself. People also love to cling on to that kind of stuff. Yeah, and to make it more salacious and whatever. But it also just always happens to be the people that like I never really got along with.

It's never people, anyone who knows me knows that I didn't kill this person. I basically almost ended up dead trying to save him. And I'll always know that. Nobody can ever take for me that, like, you know, I put myself through way more than I ever should have because I am a loving person. So I started getting messages from his girlfriends who were under the impression. Like, I was just the mother of his daughter. Like, we had no connection. Like, oh, I'm so sorry for your daughter's loss.

I was his girlfriend, like literally three of them. And I'm like, you and you. and you like you guys want to get together and have a party or something like oh my god so he was just like living oh multiple lives like none of them were like girlfriends that he spent a ton of time around like one was some girl who's who lived in Canada and her father was one of his distributors so she met him like twice right and this girl is in my I was like okay clearly you don't know what because she was like I'm really sorry. Like I don't know what happened, but blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, well, what happened was. And she's like, that's not true. That would never happen. Blah, blah, blah. I know him so well. I'm like, you know him so well that you're putting an H at the end of his name when he just did ZAC. So, like, it was just so weird to have all these different things going on, right?

And at first, like, a couple of his, like, drug friends were like being kind of threatening to me. Like, what did you do? Blah, blah, blah. And then even them, like, they were like, oh, no, he just lost his shit. So at first, his son's mother and I were able to get along. And she still was letting me see him for the first couple months. Eventually, I think she was always looking for a way to cut me out because having me around

kind of made her have to face when she wasn't around in his life and that somebody else was and taking care of him and whatever. And this was the first time now she's the only parent. She has the power. So basically what happened was like there was an instance where he kind of fully understood that his father was gone and he came to me about it and he broke down and I told her about it. And then like a week later her and I got into an argument

because she was willing to send him down to Pennsylvania with a very toxic part of Zach's family. And I told her it was a bad idea. She did not know these people I did. I told her it was a really bad idea. And she basically just used it as an excuse to just cut me out. So instead of, you know, and I gave options. Like I was like, if you really think I'm this person or whatever,

I can drop my daughter off to your sister. I trust her sister. I always did like, you know, our moms can take them to the park. whatever. And she was never willing to do any of that. So it's been like six years since I've been able to see him. And that's honestly the worst part of it for me. Like. And there's just no contact. No. We're friends on Facebook. I'm sure we won't be after this. But, um, yeah, I've tried. Like, I reach out and I can't force somebody to have a heart and to process emotions normally. So I've just kind of accepted that I don't I don't get to he doesn't get to be a part of my life at this time

And if he ever has questions, I'm here and I just hope he always will know that like I loved him I have pictures of him in my house like my daughter knows she has a brother It's it's sad but It's just like the way things are right now And hopefully that'll change down the road yeah probably after he's an adult right but How old is he now? He is 12. Oh, so he's so really young.

Yeah. And we live like relatively close. So there's been like a couple instances where like we've run into each other in public and it's like super uncomfortable. But you know, it's just, you know, I can't speak too much to her life. But I just can never imagine ripping away the rest of my child's family he had because it wasn't just me. It was my parents, my sister, my grandparents. Which is probably the only like state. people that he had.

And like some members of her family were like consistently around with him. But like he's in all our family portraits. Like my extended family portraits from that time. Like everyone considered him part of our family. And that has to be damaging to him. And I think that she has this idea that if there's no outward sign that this directly impacted him, like it's fine. But I know that that does internal damage. Like you just rip up.

away all this love and support from your child because what you want to be in control. Yeah. And just focus on you being able to project your mommy image now. So that's super disappointing. But yeah. So then after that, I tried to make a really conscious effort to not throw myself into behaviors that would just kind of numb myself. Like I didn't want to sleep around. I didn't want to go do a bunch of drugs or drink a bunch.

So that was May when he died. And then by December, the first person I was with again was good old Jack. So that was another super just toxic thing that went on for a little bit. And not to that same level. But I mean, like. In its own way. Yeah. His roommate and him got into a fight on New Year's.

His roommate cracked him over the head with a walking. stick, a literal walking stick. And so then he stayed at my house, aka his uncle's house, for like a week to be away from that and we kind of like lived in our like pretend little escape for a week.

And then he went back to work and the first night I picked him up, he had taken Adderall and was drinking and was just like erratic. And we were pulling out of my friend's driveway and we were arguing and car is in motion he got out of my passenger seat and the the panic that went through me like a door

opening my car is moving to this day he will tell you that that's not true absolutely i just i'm exaggerating that's that's not his behavior that he he just got out of my car it wasn't moving but you know my sober recollection means nothing right against his adderol induced recollection um so i actually had his mom pick him up. I called her. I was like, come get your kid. I'm done. We had a big falling out. We saw each other a little while. A couple years later, I was super pregnant with my second daughter at his sister's wedding. And we, our families don't have anything to do with each other anymore. Some toxic, super toxic. So I don't really, from what I understand, he's doing very well and he's sober, so great for him. But it was definitely like a bump to me.

coasting where I should. So then I eventually, I like went on some casual dates, whatever, and then rekindled my friendship with my current fiance, Kevin, who we all work together at Chili's at the beginning of this story, right? And people always used to tell us like, oh, you guys should date. And I was like, he's way too into the band fish. No thank you. Like, he follows them around in the summer, no thanks.

And it just never like lined up. But he kind of reached out after he had like heard about things. And we just were like very friendly. And it just like I don't know. It just clicked. And he like has really been something that has restored my faith in just people and men, especially in our generation where it's just a lot of garbage. More so than not.

Yes. He has been so patient. I hurt him in the. beginning of our relationship. I was not healed. I definitely put him through a lot. And he was always just dedicated to like sticking it out with me. He like said he knew that it was going to be worth it for him in the end. And he is more of an amazing father to Aurora than her actual father would have ever been. He never has treated her as anything other than his child. And we have a daughter who is about to turn four tomorrow, actually.

Her name is Quinley. Such good names. Thank you. Yeah. So, you know, we like have issues like everybody ever. But he is so, so good to me. And just to be able to, like, I was okay being single forever after that, you know. I was just cool with it.

Right. I mean, that's a lot to go through. I didn't ever want to settle. for anything ever again. Yeah. And he's great and he's so supportive of me. And so now I found a new church that has been really, really helpful for me. It's been about a year since I've started going.

And I guess I didn't realize, like, in the past 10 years of me not being in a church, like what I was really missing in my heart and just in my life, like, that added factor of, like, this family. And this church does things right unlike my last one where they're just, you know, doing it for the right reasons. They help the community over everything. It's not just existing for the people in the church. It's spreading love and everything they can do. Shout out Star Point. And Kevin also just recently became a Christian, like, after going for a while. And it's never that he wasn't. He just didn't. He grew up Catholic, and it was like kind of a deterrence for him to

like deterrent to like have a active relationship and now it's just added so much to our already really great dynamic and like things are really good for us. I own a photography business now. And so it's like really awesome to be able to do something that I'm passionate about, not just like a job. Right. It's important. Yeah. So, you know, people think I'm crazy when I say when they'll hear my story in a very condensed

version, not this version, and be like, I'm so sorry that you went through that. And I'm always like, don't be. Really don't be. And people are like, what? But I just try to explain, like, there's a theme in Christianity, right, that anything that Satan intends for evil, God will use for good in some way. And you're not always meant to understand how that comes about. But that's always been my view of this.

It's like, if it hadn't gone this way, I'd be dead. I think the kids would be dead. He was gone, you know. And I just truly can't imagine how my life could be different or even have life at all at this point, you know, without things having gone the way they did. You also wouldn't be the person that you are today. No, I would not. I definitely would not. And similarly to like if this happened and I didn't have my child, right?

like I don't think I would be, I think I would have gotten into things that I shouldn't and just look to numb pain and not work through it. And I mean, here I am. It's seven years later. I'm able to have a good relationship, which is a miracle. And I'm still working through those things. You know, it takes a long time. I'm remembering things all the time. There are so many instances that I obviously have not mentioned because some of them I can't, I haven't remembered yet. Right. But I've had a great therapist the last year who has just really helped me kind of, there's a difference in like telling people what they need to figure out and guiding them to it themselves.

And I don't think I ever had somebody that was a professional that was able to help me in that fashion before. Right. So everything was forced and nothing was able to be like authentic to my own recovery and healing. So I'm just like excited at this point. point to, you know, finally tell my whole side for once instead of just like taking always, before it was like, I have to take the high road and be really quiet and just, just let people say what they want to say.

And I just realized that I was given this experience for a reason. And if it can help one person, which I have helped people in my direct life. But if it can help one person, it's worth it. Absolutely. And I don't know what after this, like, I want to write a book. You should. I really want to write a book. And I also want, I don't know how I would do this, but like, I want to be available to

anybody who, like, hears my story and, like, needs to talk. Yeah. Like, I just, it's all, since it happened, I knew that there was going to be good from it. And I could, I didn't want to sit back and keep it to myself forever. I wanted people to know that there is hope at the end of really dark situations and you're not weak. You're not all these things that you've been told or that you're telling yourself, anybody can go through these situations and it doesn't define you and it doesn't define the rest of your life.

So spot on. I 100% agree. And I was going to say, too, if there's any, like with your social media, are you on social media, we can link that below. So if people want to reach out and talk to, they definitely can. And I think, too, what you said is so accurate. Like, whether you're in a dark place and you're telling yourself that you're weak or other people telling you that or even judging you, like all the judgment, I'm sure, like,

that you said that you had, it's like none of that matters because nobody can take your story away from you. And I think, too, sharing your story, that takes a lot of vulnerability and growth within yourself, which is something to be so proud of. And it just create, like, I still am like wrapping my head around, like everything that you went through. It's insane. But, you know, like I said, you wouldn't be the person that you are today. And I think that it helps you grow as a person and become stronger. And it sounds like you were already strong to begin with. But all of these experiences have only made you grow as a person. And now it's like, and I always say this,

but even if somebody doesn't have the exact same story, which they wouldn't, because that's, That's just, please, if you do have the same story, let me know. No, but there's always going to be like one or two things that somebody can, it just really resonates with somebody. Yeah. Well, I feel like something like that has happened to me or I remember feeling that way and feeling trapped or whatever it might have been. And I feel like you're an example of somebody that really just, I feel like you almost just

kind of like kept pushing through everything. You never really stopped and took it in until after the fact. And I think that's the reason why you were able to keep pushing forward. I had a daughter to take care of. Like you didn't stop and say like, this is really messed up. Like I feel like you just, right, exactly. You just kept going until basically he was gone, I feel like. And then it was just, then it was kind of like, okay, now let's sort through this and work

through what I've been, you know, dealing with for the last X amount of years. And I had to do it slowly because I was a parent. Like I had an obligation to my child. Like at first I was on a bunch of meds for PTSD. I was on like Paxil, which they give to like, you know, war vets. And I just felt. it did not last long because I felt like I was not connected to my own child. Like I just felt nothing.

And I was like, no, I have God and I can do this. I have a loving support system of the best family and friends I could ever ask for. And I can do this. Well, in general, so you're very, like you said, you always seem like you were very aware of your surroundings and yourself. And I feel like even if we find ourselves in situations that, I don't even want to say that we might not be proud of, but in situations that may be. we didn't, we think we're too, not too strong for, but like, you know how you were saying,

like, people would see you as weak, but you weren't weak. But I feel like even in the situation that you were in, I feel like you've always been such a very, what's the word I'm looking for? Like, you've always been very aware of your surroundings and very aware of the different energies that people were giving you. So I don't know. Like, I just feel like you've always just been somebody that even if you're in a place that's not the best, you just know. Like, within, I'm going to make it through. Like, I'm going to be fine. Yeah.

And not everybody has that. No, and I wish they did. Yeah. And it sucks because I feel like there's a lot of times that people go through really hard things and hard times in life. And I feel like it just beats them down. And I'm sure you've had moments that you were just, you felt like you were at an all time low.

Yeah. But I feel like kind of going back to what I was saying, you just kept pushing forward and kept realizing, well, like I have God. I'm fine. Yeah. Like even if you're a relationship, like you said at those points weren't, it wasn't there. You still knew that within yourself. Like you're a very, very strong person for sure.

Thank you. I also like want, it's important to me to mention that if anything I said in this story made an alarm bell go off for somebody, don't ignore that. Yeah. Just because it hasn't reached the severity that mine did yet doesn't mean it won't. And if you are being undervalued in any area of your relationship to where anything that I just talked about is resigning, you really need to take the time and consider your options, consider what you want to do because you don't want to get to the point that I did.

Do what I take it back? No. What do I consider myself dumb or like stupid for allowing it? No. But I didn't really have anyone to, I didn't have someone before me that I knew like. oh, well, that kind of sounds familiar. Or, you know, I just feel like we're living in a world that has so much increased evil, like by the day that you really can't just overlook behaviors of people.

And you do have to be aware. So listen to your heart and listen. Listen. If God's telling you something, listen. Like, you know, there's so many people want, it's easier to just tune things out and to do what's easy, not what's hard. You should always trust yourself and listen to yourself. Yes. And I just hope that just like I said, one person listening to this can maybe help themselves out of a lot, dealing with a lot more pain than they need to.

Yeah, I agree. Well, you did amazing. Thank you. And thank you so much for opening up and wanting to come on and share your story. I appreciate it so much. You did so good. Thank you for having this platform. Of course.

Clearly for just sharing not anything else. No, you did amazing and you're such a good storyteller. Like everything was so captivating. Thank you. Such a good job. No, you killed it. You did great. Thanks.

Good job.