We're All Insane - Surviving Incest

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

CW: This episode contains graphic descriptions of childhood sexual abuse, pedophilia, incest, and suicide. Childhood sexual abuse by a family member is unfortunately more common than many people realize. Approximately one in four girls and one in six boys experience some form of sexual abuse before age 18, often perpetrated by a family member. This abuse can lead to severe physical, emotional, and mental consequences, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. It's crucial to recognize the signs of abuse, provide support and resources for children, and work towards preventing and addressing childhood sexual abuse within families. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. This episode contains content that may be disturbing to some viewers. Hi, I'm Sammy. I'm a survivor of incest and I'm the host of a dissociative disorder system. I'll start in two, so I was born in 2000, and for the first five years of my life, I lived like a really typical life, like from what I can recall. And so the, like, story really starts in 2005. In 2005, my abuser, who's my biological father, was an educator

in a school system. He was accused of molesting two girls that he taught. And that was really a shock in the community we grew up in. And for like the entire duration of my storytelling, I'm probably going to, I'm going to refer to all of his victims with numbers, victim one, two, and three to protect their privacy. Like, this is not something that needs to be dragged up for them. Absolutely. And so victim one and two were the original two accusations where the girls who were actually like babysat us were in our lives.

So I knew these girls well. And I remember them in my childhood. they took music lessons from my dad, private music lessons. That's how they would pay for the music lessons. They would babysit us, you know, let my parents go on a date night. And then my dad would go over an audition song with them because he was a music teacher. And they accused him of molesting them in those private lessons. And at that point, when, like, he was kind of caught, that's when I recall first being sexually assaulted by my father.

So I was five. was going on six. And it was that intense, like immediate and repetitive trauma that really started the system, that started having that dissociative disorder system develop. So Adelaide, who's currently fronting, is the protector of the system, and that means the trauma holder. They take on the trauma to keep the host of the system safe, the original, who a lot of people consider the original personality.

But it is also really complicated because. how can you tell who really was the original personality? You know, when there's so many, even if that was the first to develop, like, it's really hard. Like, nobody takes on more in the system. Like, we're all part of the system. And so Adelaide formed as an independent altar. And officially, OSDD-1B has been the closest to what my symptoms relate to as

diagnosis-wise. That's what I've been told, has been the closest. So D.ID, which is dissociative identity disorder, is like the overarching kind of like umbrella for dissociative disorders. That's the main one. It involves independent, forming of independent altars, as well as daily amnesia. So when an altar fronts and then another one fronts after, most commonly there's amnesia with that. So going from one altar to another, well, you just, it's like you woke up and you have no idea where you are sometimes. I know a lot of systems that thrive on note taking and reminders.

They have like reminders set up. Like they'll be driving and does somebody else front because a car veers in front of them. And it just, you know, freaks them out. And another alter fronts. And they're like, I have no idea where I'm going. So the identities can basically change at any time. You don't really have any sort of control over it. It's typically a trigger that causes it.

And you said you have eight, right? Eight. And how did you figure that out? Was that just like with your note taking or kind of like over time? I was actually told by several people that something was going on. I remember thinking to myself, being like, I have always had these people that take care of me in my head. And when I was, I want to say 16, I was really struggling with my mental health, and I was just like really breaking down. I was not okay.

And I looked at my mother and said, my voices are just getting so bad. And the process of her, like, really going through that, like, what do you mean your voices? That was so normal for me to just like the, and I was like, you know, the ones that you have, you know, just like the guys in your head that take care of you that tell you what is and isn't. And so out and because it's such like a, like, there's so little research on dissociative disorders. I actually was told I had schizophrenia, but I had childhood schizophrenia by a psychiatrist. and was immediately put on antipsychotics and hostileized and they were just like, how did you get here, what's going on?

So it was a really confusing time for me. And I ended up just like really not jiving with the diagnosis. And so I stopped seeking psychiatric help after being told that I had psychosis or, you know, like major depressive disorder and like psychosis from that or like schizophrenia. I was like, this is not what's happening and nobody was listening. So I just stopped seeking psychiatric help at that point. And I think that finding good psychiatric help is really like what sky rockets your healing. Like you have to find the right people.

It's a trial and error process. Absolutely. And I was actually told by the friends in my life that I should bring it up. I should just go to my therapist and say, have you heard of OSDD? And do you think it's a possibility that I have it? And I started tracking what I remembered and going through old notes. in identifying like different handwriting. Like I have like quite literally eight different handwriting.

Wow. And just like going back and examining like the physical parts of my life that I could access and really realizing that I was like multiple people. Right. So with each identity, does each one hold different memories as well? Or do you kind of like know all your memories? So not there's no one of us that has access to all of our memories. There are altars that formed, there's an altar that I'll talk about in a little bit, that formed solely to hold an emotion.

Okay. And that was just, that was it. That was what she was for. She held that emotion. And every time we felt it, she fronted. And when we were done feeling it, she stopped fronting. Got it. So it really does depend.

There are altars like me that I can recall every instance of abuse. Got it. Because it was my job to take it on. Okay. But Sammy, who's the host of the system, doesn't. She couldn't tell you about how she was abused because it's not her, she, it's not her job to remember that. Right.

Okay. So that is kind of how it works. And some, some altars know more than others, some know less, and almost all altars form out of trauma. Okay. So it is typically a trauma that forms the altar. They don't just spawn in randomly. Right.

It's not just like a random Tuesday and all of a sudden there's a new person. So I have I've been a system of eight altars for almost a year now and the I was a before then I was a system of seven altars for like five years. So I had to experience another trauma for that to kind of like happen. So that's you know that's kind of how that works. And then after that initial accusation on my father against my father, we lived in a really small community. And I remember being like disliked in school.

I remember my teachers kind of give me this like side-eye kind of situation. And we were only in that area in New York. We lived in New York for maybe a year after the accusation. Then we moved to South Carolina. And we were told as kids because I was five years old. My little brother was three. My older brother was six and my older sister was seven, I want to say, or eight. And so we were told of moving because my grandpa needed to be in warmer weather.

You know what I mean? Like there was definitely a time in our lives where our parents were trying to cover it up just to, you know, keep us from experiencing that. And so I don't really recall a lot of what happened to New York after the accusation. I've been told a lot of information. I've been told that, you know, there were reporters outside our house and they came in the house until called the technology, things that are normal in sexual accusation cases, you know, needing to be able to go through your internet history and see if, like, you save child pornography.

It's like, so all the things that you know happen, like when like a child predator is caught, those things happen, but I don't remember them happening. And I could, I guess. Somebody might, but it's not me. Okay. And so after we had been there for a little bit, and I think my parents were trying to like feel it out. and see, you know, if we could just live there still, the unanimous decision was no, and we moved to South Carolina. And we moved during, like, active trials. So my father was accused in 2005 and wasn't

incarcerated until 2010. Wow. Yeah, so the judicial system really, really just be playing people. Yeah. And so there was just five years of, like, going back and forth, because I never sat in on a trial, but every time there was like a hearing, my mom got a call from the lawyer and was pack up your kids come to New York. Like we have places to be. We need to do things. And so there was a lot of traveling. There was, I sleep like a rock in a car now. I just pass out. I think it is so funny. But yeah, there was a lot of traveling back and forth. Between the house being built down in South Carolina and having to go back from my father's trials. We stayed in, you know, family and friends' houses, but it's always so tense because it was like, who believes that he's innocent and who doesn't

believe that he's innocent. Do you remember what your mom thought through it? My mom, man, man, man. Oh, man, oh, man. Am I jumping ahead? Tell me if I'm jumping ahead. Like, if you're going to hit it later? I'm going to definitely not it later.

Go ahead then. Keep going. So in that, like, in that move and like all of like the going back and forth there was just this feeling of like uncertainty all around. And my mom, I will say, was like pretty good at not showing us that emotion and like trying to keep us out of it for as long as she could. And then in 2010 when my father was incarcerated and he was finally, you know, convicted of the crime. And it was, I don't have a rinda. So he was a sexual offender, guilty of sexual abuse in the second degree.

So the registry, the sex offender registry, has a tier system. It's different in every state, and this is something that I think is so wild. There's a different set of rules, a different set of standards for what tier you're in.

If you're a tier one offender, I actually have those written down. Go for it. Great information. Good information to have. So, criminal sexual conduct in the first degree, So this is what it takes to be a tier three offender. You have to have criminal sexual conduct in the first degree,

criminal sexual conduct with minors in the first degree, criminal sexual contact or assaults with the intent to commit. So violating a person's space with the intent to sexually assault them. Kidnapping, a person under 18 years of age, except with the offense is committed by a parent. So in all those cases, you hear that it's like her dad took her as an Amber alert, but her dad took her because he felt like he deserved more custody. That is excused in cases of sexual offense by kidnapping.

And then criminal sexual conduct when the victim is a spouse is included as a tier three offender. And this is in South Carolina, the state that I grew up in was my father and where he registered. Sexual battery of a spouse and any offense listed or described in the section committed after offender becomes tier one or tier two. So you can be a tier one or tier two offender and reoffend and be moved to a tier three. Okay. So that's kind of like the most severe situation.

A tier one offense are the people you hear about that like peed in public. You know what I mean? Got a little drunk at a frat party and took their pants off. And now they're on the sex fender registry. And tier two is sexual, it's criminal sexual conduct in the second degree is engaging with a minor or a child for sexual gratification or sexual performance. So anybody that is like has like child pornography is automatically a tier two offender. So one is the bottom and it goes up by tier. So if you're a pedophile, if you're a child predator, you're automatically a tier two offender.

And that's where my father was in South Carolina. He was a tier two offender. So he registered, which included taking an updated photo of himself, height, weight, all that information is eye color, where he was living, what vehicles he drive. And putting all that information for public access because it's a safety thing. You know what you should know who in your community is a child predator. Absolutely. And so that was what he was coming home to after like in 2010, after his incarceration. And he was incarcerated for eight months, I believe.

And I'm not really firm on that number. I know that he got out of jail earlier than expected because he on good behavior. I know astounding. Yeah. on good behavior. So he could have had a 10-month sentence and gotten out after eight months or an eight-month sentence and gone out after six, but I know it was more than six months in less than a year.

Yeah. But I really, I can't recall it. And I don't have any contact with my biological family anymore, so it's not information that I can really get. And so 2010, him being away was when my mom finally lost it. We grew up really religious, and I think that my mom was under the impression that God was going to fix this, that her husband was innocent.

There was no way that he would have touched those girls. There was no way that the man that she married and, you know, allowed to father three children would be that person. And that's where she stayed the rest of her life. She stayed living in that world. And to this day, and I don't speak to my mother anymore because to this day, if I went to her and said, your husband molested me, she would tell me I was lying. Okay.

She would just. So she stuck by his hide. Yeah. She stuck by him. And I remember one of the last conversations I had with my mom, I asked her, I was like, why didn't you just leave him? Why did you let, even if you loved him and stayed with him, why didn't you just put him in a different house than us?

Like up the street. Why did you let him sleep in the same home as us? And her answer was that she wanted to prove to us that love could prevail. And so it was purely out of selfish intent that she backed him and constantly felt, you know, the need to support him. And it was unfortunately that, like, naive feeling, naive and selfish feeling that allowed him to have more victims. So in 2011, another altar formed. And his name is Austin. And he's a memory holder. And a memory holder is an altar that holds a memory, typically traumatic and specifically situations that other altars wouldn't be able to handle.

So it would be like you would never, you know, tell a four-year-old to watch a psychological thriller. Right. You know, so it's those types of situations that memory holders develop. And he held on to the friendship that we had developed with somebody else while our father was incarcerated. And that girl was my father's third victim. And so he really held on to that friendship, which was really honestly, like just the way you can imagine. into toxic 13-year-olds being friends. We weren't grown, but we really thought we were.

And we allowed ourselves to be in these situations because we didn't know any better. And so that was my father's third victim. And that really, like, that caused so many issues for me later in life. Just like. So this was after he got out. Yeah. So he got out in like late 2010. And so he's back in the home in 2011.

And in 2011, the abuse, like absolutely. skyrocketed. I think before when I was younger, I probably, like ages five to seven, I was probably molested like once every two weeks where he would come into my bed and just after my mom was asleep and just, you know, abuse me. And then after he got out of jail in 2011, I was getting abused like multiple times a week. And then my grandfather, my mother's father, passed away. And so now at that point, my father was the only man in the house. And so it was every single night from. And I actually got my menstrual cycle when I was 11.

And it just increased the like contact that he needed to have with me. And so I was like my father's keeper. Everybody knew I was with him all the time. We were just hanging out together, friends, buddies. And his just. the need to just have contact with me constantly. I would skip school when I was in middle school because he needed me to stay at home. And he needed me to be with him.

And so that was when it really just became an issue. Was any of your other siblings abused by him as well? My sister, and I'm not going to say their name because we talked about it. But they experienced a lot of abuse. And they are not, they are my half-sister. they're not my father's biological daughter. Okay. So for me, I experienced incest.

Are you his only biological daughter? Okay. Yeah. So for me, it was incense, and for them, it was just childhood sexual abuse. But he also raised them. So I'm sure that it probably felt very similar to how incest feels. But I can't speak for them. But they experienced a lot of really heavy abuse.

And it was, they were the only one of the victims to come forward and say, this definitely happened to me. Like this happened and this is fucked up. Right. You know what I mean? They were so strong about it and it threatened my mother's reality of what had happened and who her husband was that like the absolute narcissistic abuse that came out of that woman to just capitalize every single person and turn them against my older sister was insane.

And so for years I hated my older sister. I could not stand. Because of your mother basically. Because of my mom. And growing up, our father also really, like, put us up against each other. Yeah. It was vital to his grooming system that we did not communicate. I'm sure because, yeah, the last thing he would want is for all of you guys to get together and talk about it.

Right, and realize that something's wrong here. Yeah, have a little kumbaya circle. Yeah. Yeah. And so my sister and I hated each other growing up. We had such a poor damage relationship. and it's one that still like is an active recovery. It's still really hard for us to just be comfortable with each other because, you know,

God forbid, like abuse comes up and it's like, oh, well, my abuse was so much worse than yours. Like it still feels that way sometimes because he set us up against each other like that. It was really important that she hated me a lot for how I looked was something that we've talked about before. She was taller than me and had broader shoulders and got to be. forbid you'll be a bit just be a different body shape than somebody but she hated the way I looked she hated the way that I made friends she hated the way that I brushed my teeth in the morning it felt like and my dad allowed her to culture that hate to culture that anger and resentment and they also believe

that I wasn't being abused that they were saving me and that obviously means that in his grooming of my older sister he was saying you know if you take this I won't give it on like I won't put it on to your siblings, which was something that he did to me about my brothers. He would say, if you just let me, then I won't hit your brothers because he was really physically abusive as well. He was emotionally and physically abusive as well. And so we really just, we really just hated each other growing up. And Aubrey, the altar that formed as a fragment to deal with just that single emotion that I talked about earlier was to deal. with my sister because every time my sister and I had an interaction it was so bad we would we were

constantly at each other's throats and that was just normal in our house like oh they're fighting again you know and it was whoever got down the stairs first to tattle about you know who was who was in trouble and it was really competitive because I think when we kind of got older at least from my side of the story and realized that we were special in our dad's eyes that they that we had something that he wanted from us, it became this competition. Yeah. You know, so my dad drove like a two-person car, so it was just a driver and passenger. And we ran a small business.

And it was like, whoever got to stay, like, whoever he told could stay until, like, after hours to file paperwork or, like, put books away was, like, the winner that day. Yeah. You know what I mean? There was definitely, like, a ranking system in, like, in our group, in our, like, you know, sibling group. And I could, like, I remember looking, like, over the edge of the stairs of my sister walking. out the door and being like, aha, I won.

You know, and at the end of the day now, it's like, oh, what were we fighting for? Right. You know what I mean? Like, we were battling to be abused. Well, I was going to say, it's like you said he set it up that way. So it's like it became a normal for you guys. Yeah, and that's something that when a predator has access to a child, their whole lives, it's like molding clay. You know, there are habits my father's been dead for eight years.

And there are habits that I have that I have yet to break, that he instilled. me because he groomed me. You know, I still locked the door when I shower, like, out of sheer, like, fear that somebody is just going to walk in and, like, invite themselves into my shower. Yeah. Because that's just what I was always, I was always ready for it. I was always ready to present myself to my dad. I was so hyper feminine growing up because that's what he wanted to see. And so he, although I was his daughter and I knew that I was his child, I definitely, again, experienced a lot of like relationship aspects with my father because he had access to me my whole life. And so from day one, I was learning that girls are pretty and soft spoken and quiet.

And that's what he liked. And so that's what I should be. So would he tell you these things? Basically. Yeah. They were like, like he would tell you like this is what I like. Yeah, he would. He would say he'd be like, I just think it's so nice when a girl acts or looks this way. You know, I remember I used to bite my nails when I was little and he hated it so much. And he was, he would always say he'd be like, well, you know, I'll let you go get your nails done if you stop biting them and then we can hang out together. And it was like this top secret inviting thing. And I felt so special. I was like, oh my God, that is such a great deal you're giving me. You know, like I get to hang out with you all day and get my nails done if I just stop biting them

because he wanted me to stop. And so that was just, that was just how it was. Yeah. And so in 2011, you know, that was the first year that he was registering. out of jail. Aubrey formed as a fragmented altar, so she didn't have the ability to front in the system. A fragment is more like a, like a little entity, like a little being,

as opposed to like what you would imagine as a fully formed individual. And then it was so, she didn't form into a fully, like a full-fledged altar for honestly a really long time. But her purpose was to hold on to all of that anger that my dad allowed me to culture against my sister.

So basically that identity or fragmented identity, basically, that would only really come out in situations with your sister. Yeah, it was like it latched on to those. So it was very like body focused. Okay. And she actually was like wholly responsible for an eating disorder that, which was really, again, really hard to track as a system because, you know, if on Tuesday I have an eating disorder but then on Thursday I don't have an eating disorder.

Who is going to tell me that I do? And so she, you know, and she would come out after she had formed a full altar instead of a fragmented altar and just take over the body and be like, this is not okay. We're not okay. We need to work out, eat less, drink some water, freaking brush our hair a hundred times. That was her thing. A girl loved brushing her hair. But yeah, so that was a really, really.

really, Aubrey is definitely has a lot of healing in the system. But it was that negativity that our father instilled in us that allowed her to form, you know? Right. And I was going to say to it, it set up that constant comparison between you and your sister. It was like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And so, hold on.

You're okay. So in 2012, my friendship with my father's third victim really became like very codependent. in middle school. We, I mean, we spent school nights together. Like, our parents were like, I called her mom, my mom. Like, that's just who we were growing up. We were so close. We, you know, shared underwear, for Christ's sake, you know what I mean? And, but we became really, like, unhealthy codependent, you know, especially for such a pivotal point in, like, the, like, brain's development, right during puberty, like, when you're getting your period and you're figuring out what's going on, and you see your first is it and you have, like, a heartbreak,

you know what I mean? You're like, that's it. I'm done. We were really, really codependent to a point that we wouldn't allow the other to have friends. We were uncomfortable when one of us was dating. Like if there was more than us, like two is a crowd and we were already two unless it was my dad. That was our third party, like our neutral third party. We went to him with everything and he got so comfortable with us and like we got so comfortable interacting with him because I think of how close we were. that we were like, well, if you say it's okay, then I'm just going to assume it's okay.

And so that, yeah, that friendship was just really, really crazy. And honestly, I wholly, wholly believe and, like, support all of my father's victims in saying that he absolutely was the monster that they experienced, you know, that you are a victim. And if I, you know, could do anything, I would. But all I can say is that I believe you. Like, I believe all of my father's victims. Like, if you believe that you were molested at the hands of my father, you probably were. So that friend of yours, did she come to you and tell you that?

Or did you witness it? Okay. She did. And I, unfortunately at the time, like, was so hard under the grasp of my father's grooming that when she came to me, I was like, why would you say something like that? I was so offended. I was like, what is wrong with you? Why would you, why?

Why would you lie about that? I just automatically assume she was lying. Because I was like, how could you? How could that have happened? But really, I felt threatened. Right. I was like, oh my gosh, no, because I'm my dad's special person. You know what I mean?

Like, it's not your place to be. It's my place to be. So I felt like I was getting kicked off my pedestal. Right. I was like, whoa, bro, get out of here. I was like, that's simply not okay. And I went to my dad after the, night after I was sleeping over at her house. I remember. Um, and she said, I can't not tell you this.

And I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. And she goes, she was like, your dad has been molesting me. And I, I was like so offended. I, I just absolutely lost. I went ape shit. I was like, why the fuck would you say that? Right. Like, how dare you say that? Um, and the morning when my dad picked me up by spending the night at her house, I got in the car. and I was like so distressed, you know? And I was like, are you molesting my friend? And he was like, what? He was like, what are you talking about, you know, girly pop?

And I was like so mad. I was like not mad that he was molesting her, might I say. I was mad that he was molesting someone else. Yeah. I was so offended. Well, that's what I was going to ask you to before you ended up saying it, like if it made you feel threatened in some way. Yeah.

I was like so. mad. I could not believe this. I was like, how dare you? After you made me do X, Y, and Z, you know what I mean? After you promised me that I was the only one, like how could you up and do that to me? And at that point, I think I was 12 or 13, he started abusing us together. And so I witnessed the third victim's abuse because it happened to both of us at the same time. And he used the guys of spirituality to allow us to be pulled into situations that were just not okay, you know, and it's not abuse that I'm going to speak on because it's not just my abuse. Yeah, but they were situations that were so, like, when you think about like the Jehovah's Witness church and how, or like the Mormon church

and how pedophiles are protected, like it was very reminiscent of that the way that he used, you know, spirituality and Christianity to cover up his abuse. So it was, really intense and we were also so young and we were you know like oh what is this new cool thing you know like spirituality over god you know felt so much like more fun and he was like well i'll teach you you know but you have to listen to everything i say you have to listen to all my directions and follow them and so it was really like went from this friendship this like kind of unhealthy friendship but like we were in middle school so we would have grown out of it to this like thruple of absolute chaos and there were so many instances that I look back on now in my childhood and just realize that

like we're just blatant sexual abuse that nobody was picking up on or nobody cared. And how old were you at this time? I was 12 or 13. Yeah, I think I was closer to 13. And at 13, so in December of 2013, so I've got a lot of dates coming on this one. So in December of 2013, his third victim started really distancing herself for me. me and I was thrilled. I was like good, get out. How about? But I realized it now that she was just looking for a way out. Like she, because she had not been groomed growing up, she knew that that was abuse.

She knew that that was not love. And so she really started like not coming over, you know, not answering tax messages, not Skyping. She didn't come to the business. It was like a really common for her to stay on the bus with me instead of getting off at her stop and getting off at ours to go to our family's business. So that's really when I believe that she recognized that was abuse, that she was like, this is not okay any longer. And honestly, props, to be 14 and be able to see abuse, the IQ that that girl probably has on her, insane, out of this world. So then in January, so the next month, there was a lot of tension between her family and our family. I remember there being like very like passive aggressive like texts and you know plans that were being canceled

and like she told her parents. I fully believe that she told her parents. And I think like maybe it was like a download type of thing at first. And then it really got out of control. And it became absolutely like the wildest three months of my life. And to this day like every year it comes by and I like hit such like a hard depressive wall because like the next three months of my life in this year were absolutely insane. So in January, I think that's when my dad kind of realized that like he had been caught again.

And like he, something that he did a lot as we were getting older to kind of like keep us in his grasp was threatening to kill himself. It was his go-to. He was like, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to off myself because I'm so distressed. And then we were expected to fix it. So my dad would play emotional distress, you know, and be like, oh, I'm, you know, so close to killing myself that I would allow him to molest me because it would give him another couple days. Like, it would give him another couple days reprieve. Because, you know, even if he was doing these horrible things, like, he was my dad. You know what I mean?

And I was, like, so conflicted on whether or not this was bad. Like, was this good or bad? Am I receiving good attention or bad attention? I'm really not sure. that I was like, yeah, like we can just do this really quick. So that way you can, you know, not kill yourself. Because it felt like a toxic relationship, like a boyfriend that just was not cool. I'm Anna Garcia, host of True Crime News, the podcast.

Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcast. Yeah, and I think the worst thing, too, that you mentioned is the fact that you were raised with it.

So it's like you didn't really know the difference. Like I said, it was like normal to you. Yeah, and it's become really like, even in the relationships that I have now, I've been with my boyfriend for three years now, and I sometimes will just, he'll pass me a certain way, like in the room, like in the hallway, like outside our room. And I, like, freeze up because I'm like, oh, God, are you telling me to go back in the room with you right now? Like, are you trying to, like, influence me to go get in bed? And I'm like, did you? Did you want to? And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's like, I just want to go play video games right now. And I'm like, okay, cool. Thanks. But it's, there's a lot of confirmation that has to happen for me. because I still like have a really unhealthy relationship with you know sex with being touched with like physical contact. I read situations so wrong sometimes and people are like why are you touching me right now and I'm like oh sorry yeah didn't realize you didn't want to be touched um and so it was it was really intense and but in that in that area of 2014 January of 2014 I was at that point being molested

multiple times a day morning noon and night I was skipping school I think I had 92 absences that school year in the 180 days. So over half of the school year. Sorry, I didn't know. No, go ahead. Was your mom at home at this time or was she? Yeah. And do you think she just ignored it?

I think she did. I think that my mom just couldn't see it. Like she had been here so long and supported him for so long that there was just no way she could be wrong now. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like they're just, it just couldn't happen. And there were times that my. My mom walked in on him molesting me in their bed.

Like I would get in my parents' bed in the morning that with the days I knew I wasn't going to school. I would get in bed with him and he would have, you know, his hands on me. He would have his hand in my pants or my shirt. My mom would just walk in on it and go right past the bed to the bathroom. It just like never dawned on her. And I don't know if it's ignorance or like. She probably just didn't, she didn't want to believe it.

Yeah. You know. And, you know, it's really unfortunate because both of my parents were, educators. They had such a detailed knowledge of like childhood development. Right. And what is and isn't okay. And they were mandated reporters. So if my mom had seen the way that I acted on a kid in school that she taught, she would have to call DSS. She would have to say, there's something happening here that shouldn't be. And the fact that she couldn't see it on her own children is astounding to me. You know, because she had that knowledge. She has that information. I think it was just like purposeful ignorance at

that point. And, you know, that's on her. That's her trauma to deal with. And so, but yeah, the abuse was really bad and she just zipped right by it. And then in February was when my dad's caseworker, as an offender, reached out and was like, you have another accusation on your case. And his third victim, his third victim, like, went to the police and said, this man molested me. And he, and this was the one that was your friend? Yes. Okay. Yes. And so what happens at that point is my dad would have been in jail for life. Because being a reoffender as a sexual offender like doubles your charge. Like it just goes like out the wazoo.

Well, I'm surprised how short of a time he was in there the first time. Yeah. It's really, it's touching go. Some states have really strict registry laws where like you can't even live in some parts of the state. Right. because there's too many businesses or there's too many, you know, YMCA's. Yeah. But South Carolina is so lax.

Like, there's not even a rule that you can't live with your biological children. You're allowed to. Like, because, like, my dad, like, I was of his sperm, there was not a question in the court if he could live with us or not. He just was allowed to. Right. They just gave him access to four children and said, that's fine. No big deal.

Yeah. Because there's the thought that there's no way they're going to turn to incest. You know what I mean? But a lot of abusers, like sexual predators, like abuse what they can reach. You know what I mean? So if it's a compulsion, like I was who is there. You know, if it's viewed as a compulsion, like they do it like just where they can get it. It's like, I really need this drug.

And the only place I can get is a sketchy mall down the street, but guess where I'm going? Yeah. So there's a really big, I guess, hope in the world that there's no way. Like, how could somebody turn to incest? How could somebody look at their daughter and find her sexually attractive? Because, you know, that's a big ick. Right. And so it was crazy how that, you know, just happens.

It's so lax. But, and so, you know, he got that call, you know, there's another, there's another accusation. And that would have put him in jail for a pretty. a long time. And, you know, unfortunately, I guess for him, he was not taking that. He was simply not having it. And in March, there was a formal DSS investigation. And even though my father was a previously convicted child predator, I hadn't interacted with DSS until 2014 when I was 14 years old. And the DSS interview was less than stellar, can confirm. It was a lot of tension, you know, it was crazy because I walked in there and me as Adelaide, you know, came forward and was like, this is perfect.

What a great opportunity for me to just get the fuck out of here. And I told them. I said, yes, I'm being abused. Yes, can you scoop me up out of here? Can you get me out of this house? And I don't know how the world. I don't know how this happened. This feels like fake, okay, what I'm about to say.

But in between, like the hour that I had the interview with DSS. And I think it's because they didn't have like a neutral third party and they didn't record the interview. So all they had were paper notes of the things that I had said. And then two DSS officers that were working our case. And my mom was like, called all of us and said, don't get on the bus home. We're going to come pick you up. And we stayed at the school. And my mom pitched us up and we didn't go home that night until like 11 p.m. because the cops were just outside our house waiting for us, like waiting to take the kids away. Because I was like, I was like, ready. I was ready to get the heck out of there. And so then I hit this fighter flight. Yeah.

Because then I was like, oh, God, I had a plan. I was going to walk up in there. I knew exactly, like, in my mind, like in my room where things were that I was going to grab. I was like, I have a bagpacked. I have the things that I need. I was like, where's my phone charger? You know what I mean? I was like, ready. I was going to go in there. I was like 15 minutes tops to just grab my shit and be put in the foster system. Like I knew how bad the foster system and I was going to take it over the abuse that I was experiencing. I was like, it simply can't get worse.

Right. And my mom just got us out of there. I was like, no, you're not leaving. And I guess because that was our only place of residence, they just didn't have the opportunity to grab us. And so then I had to explain to everyone that I had told DSS that I was being molested. So you had to tell your mom. I called my dad.

Okay. So he was out of the state visiting his family because he knew he was about to kill himself. Right. Like he just fucking knew. And so he was visiting his parents in New York. And I called him. And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? Because, like, I know that you know that you're molesting me.

And I know that you know that I know that you're molesting me. But nobody else knows. And he on the phone with me next to my mom, I can guarantee you heard the whole conversation. made up a story with me and said, okay, this is how we're going to deal with this. So I told the DSS officers, I confirmed a situation of abuse that both me and the third victim had experienced at the same time. So it was mutual abuse, and I confirmed it. I said, yes, that absolutely did happen. And that was like my ticket out, you know, in my eyes. And when I got, you know, to where my mom was, um, I was.

she was like, what the fuck is going on? And I called my dad. I was like, I just need to talk to dad. I just need to get him on the phone. I just need to, you know, let him know what just occurred. And he said, well, what did you say? And I was like, well, I told him that we were naked. And I told him that you touched us.

And he was like, ah, fuck. Like, he was so mad at me. The way that he, like, was mad at me was absolutely appalling. But he said, okay, so this is what we're going to do. say. He was going to say that he was like, you're going to say that you got confused, that you thought that they were talking about something else, that we weren't naked, that something else happened. Like, we just made like a whole new story. And that's what I went with. And we had an active DSS case even after my father passed away that I was just lying blatantly to protect him,

to preserve, you know, what was left. And so it was that point. It was that February, March area that Aubrey as an altar became like a fully formed altar as opposed to just a fragment. So that was also crazy because then as a system we were dealing with a whole other person, a whole other individual. So we're up to four altars at this point. And then in March, my abuser like, you know, he was regularly threatening suicide. But in April, on April 1st, What a convenient day for him, I know. They were, they came to our house, the police came to our house to arrest my dad. They said we have, you know, reasoning and rights and here's the warrant and, you know,

where is he? And he didn't fall asleep at his, at the house. He was at his personal office that he had because, I don't know, that was what he had to go be. And I could not explain to you how this man. had a gun there but he did um i vaguely remember it being somebody else that he was borrowing but i don't know whose it was um they came in the morning they woke all of us up you know shine a flashlight in our eyes i was you know 14 i would have been 15 in five days and shining a scene a police officer my bedroom door when my room was a mess a pigstye at 14 i was so embarrassed i was like dog my underwear's

on the floor right now i've got like at least three pans of coke on my dresser i'm so sorry checked all of our closets, every closet in the house, because he thought that we were hiding him. Yeah. You know? And I can assume into all of my siblings' bedrooms and did the same. I think he was like 5.30 in the morning. I was dead asleep. I was not, I think it was spring break.

I was like, dog, I went to bed like an hour ago. Why are you here? And, you know, he was looking around. He was like, well, where is he? And my mom was like, he's at his registered place of work, which he wasn't. He was at his office, which was not a registered place of work. work because he technically didn't do business out of it. And so he never had to register it. And they went there and I guess didn't find him there. And just like it took a whole day to

locate this man. So they thought we were hiding him. And we couldn't leave the house because then we could have been an accessory to like whatever crime they were going to pin on him. Yeah. Because if we didn't have an alibi, what were we supposed to say? So at this point they were looking for him. They were looking. Because of the fact that you confirmed what happened with you and your friend. Okay. And at 14, you would say that's when you really realized this isn't okay. Yeah. I was like, something about this is just absolutely whack. Okay. And I think it was because, you know, at 14, I was like looking to start dating. Right. You're mature. In ninth grade, I was like, everybody call me cute.

I was like, this is the place to be. And I was like, but like, I was so confused. I was like, so you're trying to tell me that you want to have sex with me? It is confused. Right. Yeah. I was like, so who? am I supposed to be having sex with right now? Like, I just want to know. Yeah. And so it was really, it was like a really weird realization for me. And unfortunately, after my dad killed himself, it like put a full stop, like a full lockdown

on the system and like our memory of abuse. So I like was fully pushed away as Adelaide as the, you know, protector of the system was fully pushed away and Sammy fronted like almost 100% of the time with just zero recollection of abuse. So you, at that point, you basically just didn't have. Did you have no memory? It was just gone. Okay.

Just like huge gaps in the timeline. Okay. I couldn't even recall what I ate for breakfast, let alone like two years ago. So basically at that time, if Sammy was taking the identity for the most part, if let's say the cops were to ask you something, you would genuinely have no memory. Genuinely have no memory. Wow. Okay.

Yeah. And it was, and it was crazy because, you know, like the police came back to our house later in the day, on the day that my dad killed himself. Is that when they were still looking for him? Yeah, again, looking for him. So I think that it was like around 5.30 in the morning that they initially came to the house. And it was afternoon that they came again looking. And we had family friends like going out, like scoping out where he might be.

Because we just genuinely had no idea. Like my mom called him. And I really think my mom called him and was like, you should really take yourself out. But I don't know. Loki. I think she was over it. Yeah. But we didn't talk to him.

She didn't call us downstairs. She didn't say, hey, your dad's on the phone. Maybe you should say goodbye to him. because that was something we had done before. We had sat down and said goodbye to our dad because he was going to go kill himself. This was not like our first rodeo. She got the phone with him and was like, the police are going to come arrest you. Like they have a warrant.

You're done for. And he was like, okay, well, that's super sick. See you later about that. And he hung up the phone and shot himself because he was just not. And this was in his office? Yeah, in his office. And we called a safety search, but safety searches are kind of sensitive. like they're like really like they're a hard thing to do um because it's like well do we break into

that house to see if somebody's in there or not so my dad was in his personal office where he killed himself um and the cops didn't go in the first time for the safety check and then i think maybe somebody made a complaint because they shared an office so i can only imagine how long it takes on you know in spring in the south for something to smell a little fishy oh so they didn't even find him right away? No, hours after. He killed himself. I think his death certificate says like 6.30 in the morning. Okay. And they didn't find him. The coroner wasn't at our house until like 11 p.m. Okay. Yeah. So we were at the house all day. God forbid that he picked a more convenient day. It was April Fool's Day. And my mom was walking around the house saying me like, this is a joke. This is a joke. There's no idea that's

happening right now. This is simply a prank. Just absolutely lost it. I mean like, like, like, lookie, like rightfully so. You know what I mean? Can you imagine hearing that your husband killed himself on April Fool's Day? Horrible timing, honestly. And so in the evening around 10,30, 11, the corner pulled up in our driveway and, you know, knocking, knocked on our door and said, you know, we just have to let you know we found your husband's body. And I was sitting across from my mom. She was sitting in, like, the chair and I was sitting on the corner of the couch across from her. I just saw it hit her. Like, absolutely insane. Like the moment of realization that just hit her, she just like was silent for a second and like looked down at her hands and looked back up and just started hysterically crying.

And the coroner like brought us his wedding band and the watch he was wearing and was like, you know, we just don't let these stay on the body because, you know, sticky fingers happen everywhere. And then just gave us a list of funeral homes that we could go to and was like, you know, He said he was like, I would probably get cremated because he killed himself with, he shot himself with a shotgun at point blink. So there was simply nothing left. Just to a point where when we went, I was the one who went with my mom to sign all the paperwork to get him cremated. And they didn't even make us identify his body. Yeah.

They were like, no, you don't have to. I remember the coroner. He was the sweetest guy, actually. or the man that worked at the funeral home, he came out and gave us a little piece of candy, like a peppermint and was like, so you could use the body, but I wouldn't recommend it. Right. So it was obviously pretty bad. So I never even saw my dad's dead body.

Yeah. That man could still be alive and walking. I just would have no idea because I didn't see it. But yeah, so he was gone. And at first, I felt this like absolute celebration. I was like, oh, my God, finally. Relief? Yeah, I was relieved. Hearing the coroner say that he was dead, I was like, fucking finally.

It's been long enough because this had been years at this point of me being told he was going to go kill himself. Yeah. And also just being done with it too. Oh my God. There was this point, like right before he killed himself where he talked me into like taking nude photos of myself. And it was so wild. He like convinced me that he was like, you know, emailing this porn company to write music for a porno, which like, is cool. That's a fun job. You know what I mean? I bet that is a snazzy little job. But he didn't have it. You know what I mean? That's not a job that he would have been able to hold legally. And he like made me believe that this porn company was like, well, you need to find a model and like blah, blah, blah. He just really like talked me right into a circle, talked me right into the grave, if you will. And was like, you know,

do you think that you could take nude photos of yourself? I was 14. And he was like, do you think like we could use them? And I was like, yeah, sure. Sounds great because I was so conditioned to just be okay with that. And do what he said and wanted. Yeah. And they never actually came to fruition, luckily. So there are no nude photos of my 14-year-old body on the internet, hopefully.

But it got to this point where like I was in the shower like with him so he could shave me. And when I was like, I was in my little bathrobe, you know, chilling, viving. And he goes, well, you have to have juice on your legs. You have to have come on your legs. And I was like, where are you getting that from? You know what I mean? And that's when he was like, I don't think you should do this. Like he changed his mind.

He just like flipped it around. And so that never happened, but I was fully prepped for it. Just ready. Just ready to be there. And so I felt so free knowing that I was never going to be in a situation like that again. And I think it lasted all of two minutes where I was like, Okay, perfect, because then my mom had to call my dad's parents and be like, hey, your son killed himself last night or this morning. You know what I mean?

And unfortunately, my like freaking adult brain, because like I, as Adelaide, I don't have an age. I've always considered myself ageless. I'm more of an entity as opposed to a being. But I have always been told that I'm really emotionally intelligent, you know? like I really know what's going on. And unfortunately, that really followed me into my childhood. Yeah. I was always told I was an old soul and I knew what's going on.

I didn't need me extra help. And my mom called my dad's parents and my grandma just started screaming. It was just like, how could you let him do this? How could, and just blaming my mom. And at that point, I was like, one, how dare you? Yeah. Like tell a woman that she is responsible for her husband's suicide. So I took the phone from my mom.

mom just snatched it right out of her hand and I was like what the fuck are you doing um so they stopped talking to me obviously they were not here for that did you ever have a relationship with them I did growing up actually I was really close with my grandparents do you think that they knew how he was or they were in the same kind of like in denial initially and all the way back in 2005 um they stopped talking to him okay so they were like they believed it you think yeah initially they were like why are you touching little kids you fucking petto um And then later on they decided that maybe he hadn't, you know what I mean? And like let us have a relationship with them and stuff.

But yeah, I actually had a really good relationship with my dad's family. And I don't talk to any of them anymore because I snatched the phone from my mom and started cussing out my grandma. Because I was like, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you right now? Like he's already dead. Who are you blaming? Who? But nobody was there but him. Right.

And he did it because he knew he was caught. Because he knew he was guilty. Yeah. It caught red-handed, bro. Like he was like, I guess I guess he got beat the fuck up and jail the first time. He was not going back because they do crazy things to pedophiles in jail. And I, you know what? Good on you.

Right. Carry on, if you will. Like, you know, so it's absolutely crazy. But yeah, so that was like the end of it for me for like two minutes. And then after that, it felt like it got even worse. Like I wasn't being molested anymore. But then I had a whole family to take care of. Like, there was just no escaping it.

My mom, the year after my dad died, like, would lay in her bed listening to, like, voicemails he had sent her. Just on repeat. She had to save it on her laptop. She was just, I would hear her hit the space bar and let it play again and hit the space bar and let it play again. And hit for, you know, and she would get out of bed and do things. Like, I never paid the bills, but I reminded her to do it. Yeah. I was like, hey, isn't the electric do today?

Maybe we should, you know, have electric tomorrow morning. And so there was that. My little brother was 11 when our dad died and he had no idea what was going on. He was clueless, had not a single clue. And he still has, you know, his own set of issues from growing up, like, without a father. And then as, like, an adult now, finding out that the father that he really idolized was absolutely a piece of shit. because and does he remember the abuse no my brothers neither one of my brothers from what i've talked to them about how we're sexually abused but they were physically abused and they remember that okay um

my dad was man he would he would hit our forehead with his knuckle and ask us if there was anything in there if we said something stupid just like like on our forehead just to like i don't know prove a point right um he would grab us by our ears and like pull us place places to like just I don't know because we stepped the wrong way because I looked at him funny you know what I mean there was a time when I was younger that like I talked back to my dad bro that was horrible bad decision making skills I talked back to my dad he was sitting there yelling at us for something so dumb like we haven't cleaned the bathroom and I was like dude I'm like 12 I don't know how to clean a bathroom you know what I mean like I sprayed the bleach on the toilet that's good obviously it's fine um and he was like yelling at us and I was like you know maybe if you would let us speak, we would be able to give you an answer because he was asking like, why would you do this? Yeah. But then wouldn't let us tell him. And my mom just collected the rest of her children and left me there with him. To just the way that he wailed on me that day, just absolutely fucking backhanded me. Yeah. And I was like sobbing hysterically. And then at the end of it, he like,

grab me by the children and was like, but you know, I love you. You know what I mean? Like he was like, you know, I do this because I love you. Right. And so, then I was like giggling and happy and laughing after like we went downstairs and had some ice cream I think like it was so wild yeah but like as a mother to like just collect your other children and be like well she's getting fucked up right you know what I mean there was another time that like we were so my my parents were both music teachers um and we were practicing for like a choir thing and I I was like not singing well okay and I remember being like so tired like it was like after I had done my homework and I was in like elementary school. I did not want to be awake singing or on a piano

was like my siblings and my mom. And I wasn't supporting when I was singing. So like I didn't have like my diaphragm tensed. And he turned around and punched me in the gut, like enough to knock me back into my mom to be like, you're not singing right and just punched me in the gut. Yeah. And like so it was all stuff that like my mom watched happen. And she was like, oh, it's fine. I remember her like patting my shoulder being like, you're all right. You'll make it. But then again, like, I can only imagine the shit he was doing to her. Right. You know, behind closed doors.

Like, she was probably not doing well. No. So, you know, it is what it is, I guess. But after 2014, like, going into high school, I think I took, like, a month bereavement from school. Because I was still going to school with his third victim. So we were in high school together. So it was really a shit show. And you guys weren't friends or talking at this point.

Nope. We weren't talking, but we passed each other in the hallway. I remember one time I bumped into her in the whole. lunch line. It was like the lunch line. Yeah. I was like so scared. I bumped in her. I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And she was like, you're fine. That was like the whole interaction. But I was like wrecked the rest of the day. My anxiety was through the roof the rest of the day. And so high school, a blur after that. She finally, when we were going to our sophomore year of high school, when we were 15 going on 16, she moved schools. Well, thank God, because my mom was just

going to fight it out. She was just going to make me battle that. She moved schools. And there were some rumors after he killed himself, you know, because like when I got bullied a lot already, because my dad was a child molester. So the school knew the school knew what was going on. The teachers knew, the school knew, the parents knew, the students knew. The kids that I grew up with knew. They, everybody knew what was going on. And there were some rumors that were like, oh, his suicide letters said he was guilty, which they didn't, I would like to say, okay? Just personally. He did leave a letter. He left letters. They were pretty whack. They were so bad. Like, you could like feel the narcissism.

in the letters. I didn't even keep mine. Yeah. Because I was like, uh-uh. Oh, he wrote letters to each of you guys. Yes. Yes. Interesting. Oh, my God. Yeah. And when he, so in his office, like, where he killed himself, he, like, set everything out on, like, this, like, table he had in front of his desk. It was, like, his wallet and his keys. And, like, obviously where his watch had been, his tablet, like, that he, like, did everything on. And then our letters. And, like, it was so whack. walking in there and we were all sitting there like crying still you know because like our dad it just died getting handed these like printed out letters yeah it was like this long um and he just talked about himself the whole time yeah it's like oh i'm gonna miss you so much and mine was

dated in november and he killed himself in april so it sounds like a long time coming yeah yeah like november of the year before is what the date was on it um and so it was so whack it was so about so there were some rumors going around school and people would ask me and unfortunately because like i just shut everything down like the whole system shut down i was telling people he was innocent yeah i was just full hard like wholeheartedly being like my dad would have never done this so that's sammy was yeah holy fronting because i just i was so bad she was just like none of this happened None of this happened. DSS interviews were happening that she was going to that she was being like I was never molested and it's your fucking fault that he's dead Yeah, she was just getting on people. She'd be like you're the reason he killed himself just would tell everybody

She'd be like it wasn't me. So who was it? Right. Yeah So it was really intense time and I was pretty much like that my whole high school career just defending him My senior year of high school was my first suicide attempt. So that was a kind of a wild ride and that was when the recognition started when things really started hitting and I was like something isn't right I have messed something up there is something that I don't remember um so my senior of high school when I was 17 I was put on uh this medication called resperdon which is really bad for you um it's and actually it's a anti-seizure medication that they would put um psychiatric patients on for psychosis um in hopes to like suppress the same part of the brain. But unfortunately, it's for postmenopausal woman,

and I was 17. So it did some really whack things to my body. Gave me like really bad ovarian cysts. It made me lactate. That was a really uncomfortable situation for me. Yeah. Yeah. So and something about the way that that medication interacted with my body just set something off. And it was like something's not right. Something's going on. So I kind of had like a recognition as a system that something else was happening that was when I broke down to my mom and it was like the voices my guys my friends in my head are just doing mean shit saying mean things to me and that was my first suicide attempt and I wasn't hospitalized after that one because my mom was like she's fine there's nothing going on nothing to see here and I think that's really when I broke down and

our first little in the system really like came forward as an altar and and bond like spawned in um and her she's i love her my whole heart and soul um but it was very much like it was it was really two littles and it was like a yin-yang um of like what we depict as ourselves as our childhood like a small fragile little broken girl and then another one they're about the same age that was like everything we wish we would have been as a child and so that is you know how like when people are like i'm healing my inner child you know what i mean that's like really like that's a popular thing to do like you know as you grow out older to heal your inner child to like help your trauma um and instead of healing my inner child i just created one yeah so now

if she if she's like wants to front and watch some disney movies guess what we're doing guess like how we're hanging out today um has like her own like space in our room has coloring books so many stuff the squish mellows absolutely yeah crazy um but yeah so that was when our first little like really came in the system and then became two um So that was when like everything started going out. I think it was 2018. And I was like, something's wrong. Something is happening.

I graduated high school, barely, slid right through there. I was on homebound because I tried to kill myself. And apparently it's frowned upon to have suicidal children in your school. So they did tell me to stay at home. They had me on homebound. I barely finished, didn't walk at graduation, didn't go to prom, wasn't in the yearbook, was not having it. just stopped existing that year. And I went to cosmetology school and I thought everything was going to be fine and dandy.

And being left alone to like be an adult and I was like, I don't know how to do this. Yeah. You know, and it wasn't, it was like all the neglect from like the years of abuse of like, I didn't know how to be a person. Right. I barely knew how to drive my car, let alone like have, take clients, like speak to people, learn chemical compounds.

No. Right. So I didn't even make it through cosmetology school. And another altar formed, like, as, like, a response to that. His name is Tristan. And he is, like, the heartthrob just made himself, like, the heartthrop of every movie. He's very, he's very much, like, a cis hetero man. And it's so unfortunate.

He's the only guy here. And I'm like, we barely even like him. Yeah. was like stepped in he was like well since you guys don't know how to be adults i guess i'll be the adult um because it was like it was like re-traumatizing to be like every so they be hit with every single thing my parents didn't tell me my parents didn't teach me recently i learned do you know you're not supposed to eat raw potatoes you're not i didn't even know that yeah you're not supposed to eat raw potatoes you're not i never heard of it don't worry because i didn't fucking know it either

yeah things like that uh i didn't know that dented cans or a bad thing when you go to the grocery store that like there's something wrong with them where they're dented didn't know that like the little things yeah so just things like I was just getting hit with as an adult like fucking tax on shit yeah had to pay my car taxes oh my god I was like like my mom transferred like the title of my car to my name and I went in and they were like you have to pay taxes on this and I was like but she paid taxes on this do I really have to do it yeah so just like being hit with stuff that was like it was like re-traumptizing yeah every time there is something that I didn't have how to do. And so Tristan Spondent, and he was like, I'll do it. I'll take care of it. And he was very

much a protector in our system. Like became like the man. Became the man, the man. And we really had to like have a sit down conversation in our head and be like, women get abused. So you need to understand what you just walked into. And so it was it was definitely a really intense like change in our life. And then we started growing up. And it was like chill for a couple years. I like turned 21 and I stopped talking to my mom because I was like, this bitch is crazy. So you just cut her out completely?

Cut her out. We got into a fight. We got into that one blowout fight where she was like, I just wanted to prove that like love would prevail. And I just stopped talking to her. I was like, that is simply the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. So were you living with her at this time? I had just moved in with Alex, my friend. Okay.

But I had been living with her. I had moved out a couple times and moved back in, did the little, you know, the bounce around that you do. Like, your mom's like, well, you might as well, like, just keep some stuff in your room because, like, they all know that you're not actually going to move out. Like, you're just going to go live somewhere for a couple months and then, like, not pay rent. Yeah. So I was bouncing back and forth, but I finally moved out.

Okay. And I took everything with me. It was, like, spotless. You're done. I was done. I didn't leave a scrap behind in that house. And I moved to my friend. And I just stopped talking about.

to her. I just was like, take me off your insurance, take me off your phone bill. I don't want to hear from you. Leave me alone. And I haven't talked to her since. And it's been like two years. Wow. And I just was like, nah. Do you ever like wish that you still did or not at all? Absolutely not. I don't think that, I don't think that she lives in the same reality that we do. You know what I mean? So like, what's the point? Well, also, it's like, how can you ever truly be yourself and how are you going to ever heal if she isn't willing to believe you and what happened and have your back even after he's gone you know because if she had just come to me and been like you're right I'm sorry right and like I right I would have been like my mom my bestie

my girly pop but instead she was like how dare you take dirt on a dead man's name and I was like dog maybe it needs a little dirt on it yeah so it really it's really unfortunate because I would love to have a mom Just like I would have loved to have a dad. Yeah. But those are not things that I was given in this life. Those are not cards in my hand. And so it is what it is at this point. I've done so much better without her.

Yeah. Fully support cutting off your toxic family members. Absolutely. Out of there. Well, right. Like I said too, it's like you're not going to be able to move forward in a healthy, positive way. Yeah. If you still have people holding you back and making you feel like you're not right when you are.

And I think it's really like been strides. Like I've made strides in my, in my relationship, in my like career. Just with myself, like I would not have been able to do something like this two years ago. Right. You know, my therapist, I had a therapy session last night before. And she was like, this is the most prepared I would ever imagine somebody would be for this situation. It's incredible. I know.

I tell people all the time, like it takes some serious courage and vulnerability to want to come on and share your story not only to me because you don't know me but then anybody else who listens yeah this is I mean you have a wild platform too it's empowering it's amazing yeah I was talking to my to my sister and asking them I was like would you be okay like with me mentioning you know that you were abused and they said they were like tell them all yeah she was like fuck them up right yeah they were like just fuck them up girl go out there and I always tell people too you know every time I'm like there's always someone that in some way they can relate you know and and feel her. And it's insane. Like, because there's, like, there's some stuff that hits me, like,

I'm a survivor of incest. That's how I introduced myself in, like, a trauma setting. If I was in group therapy, it would be, hi, my name is Sammy and I'm a survivor of incest. And do you know me survivors of incest that are out there? Right. They're everywhere. And it's one of the least reported crimes, like least reported, especially like a mother-on-daughter incest. Like, you know, Jeanette McCurdy's book, I'm glad my mom died. It's because nobody talks about it. about that shit. Right. Because you know how uncomfortable that is? Yeah. You know, being like told that, like, just being told that, you know, the person that I knew as an adult, like, people that knew my dad when he was alive, me looking at them being like, my father that you knew

and loved molested me. Yeah. Got in bed with me. That's uncomfortable. Nobody talks about it. It's one of the least reported crimes because it's hard. And then, you know, you go your whole childhood growing up like that and almost everybody represses it. Yeah. There's always a time period where you've decided it didn't happen. And I think too when when you're that young and you're that age and you're in middle school and high school, the last thing a child wants is to feel judged or bullied or like that's that's already hard on its own. Yeah. Well, and especially like because there's a lot of kids that live with their relatives that are sex offenders. There's a lot of kids in this country that do. Um, which is unfortunate, but it is just the fucking dirty facts of the world. Right. And it's already bad enough.

And I feel like, too, if schools made it, I think more talked about in open, a lot more children would feel more comfortable coming forward about it. The only time that I heard about it was when somebody was making fun of me. Yeah. I think I got one pamphlet on Halloween, which I would like to say that registers aren't allowed to leave their house. Like registers, like sex offender registers are not allowed to leave their house on Halloween. They got to be in there.

They come and get checked on. We had police at our door all the time. Knock, knock, is your dad here? Yeah. You know? So that's like the least, that is the day to be least worried about your kid getting snatched up. Right. It happens on a random Tuesday in March. Yeah. So if somebody would just say something, you know what I mean? If it also just be like, hey, this is what being molested looks like. Because to me it looks like love. Exactly. And you didn't know any different. I didn't know any different. I'd be like, oh, my dad's coming to cuddle me. Right. And that was love. That was cool. And you felt like he was favoring you and you have the upper hand. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I felt special treatment. I got things. I got gifts. I got gifts. I got gifts. I got. I got a lot of food, a lot of snack runs.

Yeah. You know, things that are just like, are like casual things. Like, you're like, oh, I, you know, remember when my parents would take me to get ice cream on Sunday nights. But my dad was doing it because I was letting him molest me. Yeah. So things that, like, are just so normal. But that can be abuse. That can look like abuse.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like if it's talked about more, I feel like, even as adults, like, just talk about it. People are so uncomfortable with the idea. that children aren't safe in this country. Well, people, I think, are uncomfortable about talking about anything. That just, you know, that... Right.

If it's something that makes people uncomfortable or feel weird, they don't want to bring it up because it's easier to ignore it. Yeah. But I think that, and that's like another reason why I love doing this podcast and having this platform because it, I think it, not that it should obviously ever, the situation should never be normalized, but it normalizes talking about very uncomfortable subjects. Yeah.

And it's like, even when it's like, even when people are like, oh, like, why is every episode so negative? And it's like, it's not negative. It's how the world works. Right. And it's very scary and sad and horrible. But there's so many situations, like you said, where even if it's not the exact same situation as yours, where this is happening to kids. This is happening.

I can guarantee you right now. Yeah. And it needs to be talked about. And people need to know about it because if it's not talked about, nothing's ever going going to change. You know what I mean? And I think in general, there even might be somebody that listens that might be. like, oh, wait, like, so this kind of happened to me, it is wrong. You know what I mean? It really can

help a lot of people and make people realize possibly a situation that they're in. Absolutely, because it took me years. Yeah. Years to just recognize that it was abuse. So sometimes having that, like, if there's somebody out there right now, like, girl, I don't know you, but if you think you were being abused, you probably were. Yeah. You probably were. Right, because I think as people, we always should trust our gut instincts. And if something doesn't feel right, seek help, get help, wherever you can. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, there's a lot of places out there, especially if you're a child in a home, a teenager, in a home right now and you feel like you're being abused, your school counselor is your best buddy. I was going to say to, like, even the fact. Walk up in there, look at them in the face and being like, I don't want to go home. Right. And here's why. They'll keep you there.

Yeah. And I was going to say, too, even the fact, you know, it's a great example that if someone were to go to another parent and even the other parent didn't want to hear it or didn't believe it. Don't stop there. Don't stop there's somebody there's in your community in your school in your church in your friend group somebody will save you. Absolutely. You know even if you have to call CPS or DSS and say I need you to come to my house they take tips from children. If you call as a child and say my home is not safe they will be at your door yeah you know and they will be at your door to take you. They will not be at your door to check they'll be at your door to make sure you have a duffel bag

in a car ride to a different home. Yeah. That night, like, it is okay. It is the scariest situation to be in, but, like, get yourself out. Like, don't, like, don't put somebody else before you. Don't put your abuser before you because that's something I did. Your abuser, no matter how special you feel is not worth your sanity. Like, just let him go.

Like, if you feel like you need him, take a picture with you. Yeah. But leave. Absolutely. Well, you did amazing. Thank you, sounds. Seriously. And thank you so much for explaining everything and being so open and vulnerable. Because like I said, I know it's so, it takes so much courage and strength to do that.

And I can't, I can't say thank you enough. It's seriously amazing. Thank you for letting me come on here and share. You know, hopefully save a couple souls out there. Yes, no, for sure. But yeah, you did incredible. Thank you.