We're All Insane - Surviving Premature Birth of Twins After IVF

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

#podcast #ivf #pregnancy #infertility #twins Fatty15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to help you live healthier, longer. You can get an additional 15% off their 90-day subscription Starter Kit by going to fatty15.com/INSANE and using code INSANE at checkout!!! Jess opens up about her emotional and unforgettable journey to motherhood through IVF. After years of trying to conceive, she was blessed with twins — but their arrival came earlier than expected. Born prematurely, both of her babies spent time in the NICU, and she shares the raw, honest truth about what that experience was like: the challenges, the fears, the small victories, and everything in between. Jess's Links: Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/jessosterberg_/ TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@jessosterberg_ Resolve - National Infertility Association: https://resolve.org/AllPaths (New England Support) - https://allpathsfb.org/IVF Support Group (Massachusetts) - https://www.facebook.com/groups/1047992521933231 Keeping Pace (Massachusetts non-profit specializing in programs for families of multiples) - https://keepingpace.org/ Time Stamps: 00;00;28;19: What was it like getting married during covid? 00;01;59;01: What is testing with ovulation strips like? 00;02;22;23 Does the pill impact fertility? 00;04;46;04 What happens if your AMH is low? 00;06;13;13 What is IUI? 00;08;06;13 What is dealing with insurance for IVF like? 00;09;40;01 What are the shots for IVF like? 00;10;09;19 How long is the IVF process? 00;10;48;19 What is the trigger shot? 00;11;24;14 What is egg retrieval? 00;13;11;24 What is it like to start over IVF? 00;15;22;18 Can you have twins with IVF 00;15;29;06 What happens when your embryo splits during IVF? 00;17;08;07 What is pregnancy like with twins? 00;17;20;00 Do IVF pregnancies have higher risk? 00;19;06;28 What is fetal growth restriction? 00;20;40;22 What is a C-section like? 00;23;08;06 What its like when you baby is in the NICU 00;24;57;15 What's it like having twins? 00;27;32;28 How long until babies sleep through the night? 00;32;47;19 What is it like becoming a mom? 00;34;59;29 How many families struggle with fertility? 00;38;38;11 What kind of twins are there? Topics: Pregnancy, IVF Journey, Twins, Premature Babies, NICU, Motherhood If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Jess and I am the mother of identical twin girls that were conceived through IVF. And just as a quick preface, I'm not a medical professional. So what I say and sharing this is 100% based off of what I learned throughout my process. And everyone's fertility journey that's going through it is so different. It's such a wide spectrum. But my hopes in sharing this is that I can at least help one family feel a little less alone. I'll start from the beginning.

My husband and I got married during COVID. So that kind of derailed all of our wedding plans. And our initial plan was, okay, we're going to get married. We're going to have kids right after. That's like, we're just going to go through those motions of what you're supposed to do. And with the whole COVID thing, it kind of derailed everything, including our honeymoon plan. So we ended up taking our honeymoon trip like a year after we got married. So we're like, okay, let's take the year. We won't, we won't start trying to have kids just yet.

We'll give ourselves the year, take our actual honeymoon trip. And then after that, we'll start to try to have a baby. So that year mark kind of comes around and I get off of the birth control pill and, you know, we start thinking like, okay, this is time. One night we're over our friend's house and my friend is clairvoyant. So she was like, let me read your cards. And the way she did it was like a past, present and future reading. And I had told her, you know, we're going to start trying for kids soon. And she's like, do you want me to tell you what I'm feeling about that?

And I'm like, yeah, sure. And she's like, I see a struggle. She's like, I don't know how far it's going to go. I don't know if you're going to need to look into fertility treatments, but I see a struggle. I'm like, okay. So I kind of kept that like in my back pocket. I didn't want to base everything around that. Like, okay, this is what's going to happen to me.

So I keep that in the back of my mind, but I don't really let it affect me. I buy the ovulation test strips. I buy the pregnancy test strips. We're ready. We're ready to go. and I'm like peeing in cups all the time to see if I get a positive ovulation strip. And it took me probably like, I don't know, probably three months to finally get that positive on an ovulation strip.

And I'm like, okay, it's probably because I was on a pill for so long. Like maybe it just needed some time to like regulate. And that's what I was going to ask you if you know. So how long were you on the pill? Since high school. So like over 10 years. So do they say that it takes. longer to get pregnant, like when you get off of the pill?

Or do, like, do they, is that kind of a thing? I think they do recommend waiting, like, waiting a little bit just so your body can regulate and you can get a real period. Because, you know, when you're on the pill, it's not technically a period as far as, like, an ovulation cycle or anything like that. Yeah, I just wasn't true. There was, like, known struggles after you're on the pill for that long. Yeah, I do think that it plays a factor.

Okay. Yeah. So we finally get that positive ovulation. I'm like, okay, here we go. We're ready to go. I'm tracking it and, you know, we're having sex regularly throughout that window. I think it's like three days, technically, of like the highest fertility within your cycle. A couple months go by and I'm like, okay.

Like, I guess it's just going to take us a little bit longer, whatever. But I'm like, it was starting to become a chore for us. And we're trying as in my legs up in the air afterwards, pillow under my butt, just sitting there for 10 minutes afterwards, just hoping that. Can you take? Literally. So a year goes by. A friend of mine is FaceTiming me one night. And it's weird. She never FaceTimed me. So I pick up the phone and she's holding a positive pregnancy test. And I was like, holy shit. She wasn't even trying. Her and our husband did eventually want to have kids,

but she was off the pill, I think, for like less than a month. And I was so happy for her. But I couldn't help but feel like that's what I knew. Like something is wrong. And I feel so guilty. still that I felt that way. And like, I didn't want to take anything away from her. But I cried all week after that. And I finally said something to my mom. My mom and I are super close. And she works at the OBGYN office that I go to. And I said to her like, it's not fair. You know, she's like, you know, it's been a year now. Like, I think it's time for you to come in and maybe get some blabs done. So I'm like, okay. So I come in, I get some blood work done. And of course, I get the results through the portal before my doctor can even call me.

And I'm looking through it. It's like, okay, this looks fine. This looks fine. And then I see something called AMH. And that was really low. And my doctor calls me pretty shortly after I got the test. And she's like, okay. So here's what's happening.

Your AMH level is low. And your AMH is relative to your egg reserve. And she's like, you're going to have to. be referred to the fertility clinic. I'm like, okay. I'm like, all right, let's, this is what we're doing. So I call my mom after and like, what did I do wrong? What could I have done different? Like, and she's like, no, like, this is just, this is how you were born. You were born this way. Some, some people just are born with less eggs. And, you know, then I'm going down this wormhole and it's like, I have the egg reserve of like a 45-year-old woman as I was like 28 or 29 at the time.

So I'll never forget. She's like, all it takes is one good egg. So I'm like, all right, let's just focus on that. And she's like, you're going to have your baby. So I go to the fertility appointment. Again, a bunch more labs. They scheduled a couple of procedures to make sure my fallopian tubes weren't blocked. And all that came out clear.

but it was definitely still relative to the fact that I just have a really low egg reserve for some of my age. So with my periods being so irregular, my cycle has always been so irregular, even from when I first got my period. My doctor offered, she said, you can either do IUI, which is like basically insemination. So what they would do is, for lack of like better term to simplify it, it's like they basically turkey based are you. during your ovulation cycle. And she said, you know, you have that option, but with your cycle being so irregular, IVF has higher success rate and you're going to be putting in so much more effort

with your irregular cycle for IUI to be successful for you. So IUI success rates, I think it's like 10 to 20% of live birth, whereas IVF goes up to like about 50%. Okay. So I'm like, all right, me and my husband, decided to think about it for a couple days as to what we wanted to do. And we decided, let's just start with the IVF. So we had to work through getting the insurance approvals. And in my chart, I'm usually very honest with my doctors. I feel like that's kind of the better

option most of the time, just telling them, like, and it was still in my chart that I smoked weed. And I hadn't smoked in months. You know, I stopped a while before that. And I told him that my husband had smoked cigarettes at the time too. So insurance wanted us to both take a nicotine test, even though I'm not a cigarette smoker. And we had to get that done. And of course, it takes like, I think it was like a month for nicotine to get fully out of your system to get that negative test result. So he went cold turkey. And we both went in. Obviously, those came out fine. And then the insurance is like, okay, well, now we also need you to take marijuana test too. So we, we do that and they both end up coming back negative thankfully and they're like all right we finally got the approval you're good to go um so in order for to get approved by insurance you guys had to be negative for nicotine and marijuana yes yeah they'll do anything to not cover it got it you know um so we got the go ahead to start and i got all the medication ship they put you on the pill for a couple days because it's really important you know your cycle you know your cycle you know you're

to make sure you're at the right point when you start. So I was on the pill for a couple days. And then they're like, okay, you can start giving yourself shots. So I had started. It was two shots a day for a couple weeks that I had to administer myself. So the first night, I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm usually okay with needles. They really don't bother me too much.

But when you're then taking that needle and jabbing yourself, it's like, I don't know. And where are you doing it at your stomach? Yeah, your stomach, like lower abdomen area. The first night I'm like, holy shit. Like I can't believe I'm about to do this. I had a full-blown mental breakdown after I finally was like, okay, let me just do this. I did it. It wasn't bad.

So I'm like, okay, I can do this. The next morning, some of the medication you have to mix yourself, like the powder into the saline. And so that's the morning shot that I had to take. I ended up mixing the medication wrong. And I didn't realize until after I had already injected myself with it. So again, another full-blown. panic mode. And I called my mom. I'm like, I, this is what I did. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, this is it. I ruined it. And she's like, no, it's fine. Everything's fine. You just mix a little

extra saline. It's not going to do anything. It's not going to harm anything. So I was giving myself two shots a day, one in the morning, one at night for a couple weeks. And during that period, I have to get my blood drawn every two days along with an ultrasound, a pelvic ultrasound. Yes. So even like Easter Sunday, my husband had to drive me into Boston into the city to get my blood blood on. That's terrible. Yeah, because they want to make sure your estrogen level is trending properly. There were a couple labs that they had to keep tabs on throughout the process.

And how long is the process? Like, how long did you have to do this for? It differs. So I was, it was about three to four weeks for me before I was able to kind of move forward with the next step. but basically what the medication does is makes your body, makes your ovaries stimulate more and start releasing more eggs. So you have follicles on your ovaries, which is where your eggs come from when you're ovulating. So what they're doing with the ultrasounds is they're checking

to see how many follicles you have to then hopefully make it relevant to how many eggs you might receive through the egg, egg retrieval process. So a couple weeks later, I got the go-ahead to take what is called the trigger shot. So the trigger shot, you take 36 hours before your egg retrieval. And it's this huge needle like this that has to go into your butt. So I had to take it. My time was at midnight. So I couldn't do it myself.

So I had to wake up my husband. I set an alarm. And he did great. Did it hurt? It hurt a little bit. It wasn't terrible. But it was a pretty big needle. But all went great.

And then 36 hours later, we had our appointment in Boston to do the egg retrieval. They put you under anesthesia for it. And my husband brings in his cup of sperm with him too because they'll do kind of all that in preparation for the egg transfer, which is normally a couple days later. So I go in, you get put under anesthesia. It's a very, very quick procedure. And I ended up getting six eggs retrieved. So is that good? Is that a good amount?

It's a pretty good amount. Some people get tons. I've heard stories where people get like 20. Oh, wow. Yeah. But then there's also some people who might get one or two. There's some people who get none. So I was fortunate enough that I'm like, okay, you get six eggs.

But from that six, only two of them made it to the blast cycle. So I think I had six eggs, five of them matured, and two of them made it to the blast stage, which means they're good to transfer. So three days later, I went in to have. the egg transfer done. And with my age and with it being my first cycle of IVF, insurance only approved to transfer one egg, which is fine. I, because I thought it was like you'd have a choice to do it or, but then I looked at my insurance paperwork and it's like, no, you're, this is what is set up for. We're covering the transfer of one embryo. So went in and they do a grading skill of the embryos too.

So my embryo was graded as an 8AA, which is based on the cell. development, how it looks, and the 8AA is essentially as good as it can possibly get. So I know that the success isn't always high, especially with your first round. So I went in Hopeville, but I wasn't necessarily getting my hopes up. Like I was preparing that this might not work. I might have to go in again for another embryo transfer. And then if you had to do it again, would you have to start back over, like with the shots and then the retrieval.

So it depends on how many embryos you have. So I had two. So I was able to transfer one and then one of them froze. So they'll freeze any other good embryos that they have and store them. There are some people, though, that will have to go through multiple cycles to get, you know, a good embryo. Yeah. So they transfer that. And they tell you not to test at home, take a pregnancy test.

Most people do still test. because they do set up a blood work. They set up blood work for 10 days after your transfer. So 10 days after, they'll set up blood work to see if it worked. They call that beta. It's your beta HCG test. So around day five, I started testing to see if it was positive or not. And I got the faintest little squintor positive.

And I'm like, oh, my God. And from there, I was still. testing every day because you can see the line getting darker and darker. I think this worked. So I went in for the blood test 10 days later. And ideally a good number to see is around 100. They want the higher, the better. But something as low as like five could indicate a positive HCG level.

So I look at my blood work when it came back and mine was 494, which is excellent to see. So I'm like, okay, like, I'm feeling pretty good about this. So they're like, okay, congratulations, you're pregnant. And now you have to wait. I think it was like another eight weeks or so to come in and get your first ultrasound done. So going to the ultrasound and we're like first appointment of the day. It was a Friday at 8 o'clock in the morning. And we get taken back.

And she starts. And I'm looking at the screen a bit. And she's like, okay, you transferred one embryo? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, well, there's two. I was like, shut the fuck up. There's no way. I'm sitting there in complete shock.

And I screamed at the top of my lungs. My poor husband, he bright red in the face. And then you just see him turn like ghost white. I'm like, I can't believe this. I cannot believe this is happening. So my embryo split, there's a 4% chance of your embryo splitting. That's crazy. Yeah.

I never ever thought that this would happen because you know you tell people yeah I'm going through IVF and they're like oh well there's a chance you're going to have twins I'm like oh no I'm only transferring one you know a lot of the times when you see twins from IVF it's due to them transferring multiple eggs okay yeah so you kind of have more of a choice or you can try to uh it really goes by insurance approval like your age is a factor how many cycles you've done in the past so if you have multiple cycles that have failed the chances of you, you know, being able to transfer more than one, you know, that's usually when they, when they start to transfer more than one to give you a higher chance of having a viable pregnancy. Got it. So I'm like, all right, I guess this is what we're

doing. And at the time, I mean, a good friend of mine had twins too already. So hers were completely spontaneous. She has identicals. And I reached out to her, I'm like, girl, you got to talk me off this ledge here. She's like, no, she's like, this is great. she's given me advice from day one and has helped me along the process and still does today. It's so nice to have a good support person there for you and finding a community because it is so different when you're raising twins compared to just raising one child. So my pregnancy was wonderful. I had a great pregnancy.

I didn't experience morning sickness. I stayed active. I worked out a few times a week throughout it. but with twins, it's considered a high-risk pregnancy. That's what I was going to ask you. And with IVF pregnancies in general, are they considered higher risk? Like, are you? Not necessarily, no.

There are risk factors with IVF. You know, we had to get echo done of their hearts when I was still pregnant to make sure because they're higher risk for having heart defects, I guess. But that all came back normal. So I was referred to maternal fetal medicine for monitoring because of the high-risk pregnancy. So I went in and had ultrasounds every two weeks and doctor's appointments in between just to make sure everything was good. Twins normally will always be smaller on the smaller end, you know, so comparable to a singleton because, you know, they're sharing lots of space in there. So I go in for ultrasounds every two weeks, have a doctor's appointment in between.

I'm in and out of the doctors constantly. And when I was around 30 weeks, I went in for the ultrasound normal. And I see that she's scanning for their Doppler's to look at their umbilical blood flow over and over and over again. And she's really not saying anything. And I'm like, okay, I have a feeling something is not right. So the doctor comes in and he goes, so we're going to admit you for a few days to the hospital. there are some issues with the blood flow to twin B.

So they'll label twin A and twin B. He says there are some blood flow issues. And I'm like, okay. And he was saying, you know, it could cause some issues as far as their growth. And she was, she was trending. It was, she was in like the less than two percentile. So when it's that low, it's considered fetal growth restriction. So they're talking about, you know,

you might have to stay in the hospital for the remainder of your pregnancy, which I was only 30 weeks. They're like where our goal is to get you to 34 weeks. I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to have to stay in the hospital for a month. I'm like, I can't. I will lose my mind. And so I talked to the nurse manager. You know, she came in. She kind of settled my nerves. She's like, you know, it's going to be a little boring. Bring some books. Bring things to entertain yourself if you have work to do. So I went home. I packed my bag. and the one thing, I was so upset about leaving my dogs. I don't know why that was what was really affecting me the most, is that I didn't really prepare enough.

Like, I'm like, I might not see them again for weeks. Those are your babies too? I know, and I felt so bad. And like, I was totally fine at the doctors, but then I got home, I packed my bag, and I'm looking at my dogs. And they're like, where the hell are you going? Like, oh, my God. I wish I could bring you with you.

I know, exactly. So I get checked into the hospital, you know, and they're just going to monitor me for the next few days and see if that Doppler improves. And thankfully it did. So I was able to go back home three days later. But the goal was still to get me to 34 weeks. Hi, guys. Today's episode is sponsored by Fatty 15. I am somebody that is always looking for the next best supplement or vitamin that is going to help conquer all of these things that have come with agents. such as my poor sleep, my lack of energy, my stiff joints. And, you know, for a while I tried to act like they weren't there, but they are very much there. And I am fully blaming the fact that I am getting older. And even though I'm still young, I am starting to feel like a grandma.

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these things are natural. They happen. But I love that there is a product that can help me with all of these things and not only is it making me healthier, but it is also slowing down the aging process. Faddy 15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to help you live healthier and longer. You can get an additional 15% off their 90 day subscription starter kit by going to fatty 15.com slash insane and using code insane at checkout. That is fatty15.com slash I n-s-a-n-e at checkout. And now back to the episode. So I still then had to get more frequent ultrasounds and more frequent doctors appointments just to make sure that there was no issues with those Dopplers moving forward. So everything worked out fine. They're like,

let's schedule a C-section for you at 34 weeks. So that's what they did. I go in the day of and I don't know what I was expecting with the C-section but you go into this huge room. It's bigger than in here and it's just bright white lights everywhere. There's like 20 people in there because with twins they have a team for each baby plus they have the NICU team ready to go and everything went great. I thought it was such, I don't want to say an easy process because it wasn't easy but it went a lot smoother than what I would have ever expected. But the girls were born at 312 and 314. Twin A, that's Talia.

She weighed four pounds, nine ounces. And twin B, Adriana, weighed three pounds, 14 ounces. So they were so tiny. And I was able to see them for a second. And then they got brought right to the NICU. And my husband, he looked at me and he's like, he doesn't really get very emotional when it comes. of these things and he looks at me. He's like, is it okay to cry? Like, of course. He had the option.

He's like, okay, do you want to stay in here with me or do you want to go down to the NICU? I'm like, go, go see our babies. So he went. And I was able to go see them after I was out of the recovery room, which really sucked because I wasn't even able to hold him until the next morning. So I was brought in. I was able to see them really quickly, but it was. shift change. They had to get me checked into my room. And that's like the one thing. It's like, wow, they really don't prepare you enough for the way that it goes with something like that, where, you know, it's so different where you see people with singletons and they have like a totally different experience. Even just like people that like not even just twins necessarily,

but with your babies in the niggum, it really sucks. But they did so good. They never needed any breathing support. And I was in the hospital for about five days for the C-section recovery. So it was nice. I was able to basically spend my entire day with them still. But then I got discharged. And having to leave them, it was so hard to leave. And it's like you're leaving without your arm. You know, we would go to the NICU every day and just like sit there and spend our whole. day there. But it's like, you know, I wasn't the first person to feed my baby. I wasn't the first person to change their diapers, you know, it's, or bathe them, you know, wash their hair. That was probably the hardest part. But like I said, they did so great there. They really thrived. And they tell you

to prepare, like, they were born at 34 weeks. So that was November 30th. And my actual due date was January 10th. So, you know, anytime you ask the NICU nurse is, you know, how long do you think they're going to be in here for? They're like, well, you should really prepare for them to be here until, you know, what they would be considered full term. So, which would be six weeks of them being there. But luckily enough, they did so well and they were totally thriving. Twin A was in there for 14 days. And twin B was in there for 16 days. days. So we were able to take Talia home. It was so great being able to take her home, but having to leave her sister. It was like the best but worst day, you know? So we took her home and the first night,

I swear, I think I slept like five minutes throughout the night. I'm like checking and make sure she's breathing and making sure she's all right. And then plus waking up every couple hours to feed her. It was so exhausting. And then two days later, when we bring Twin Bee home, it's like, God, I cannot believe I'm doing this. It was, you get to the point where you're so exhausted, you know, you think you're tired on other days, but this level of exhaustion was unbelievable. I have never felt so tired in my life. And you have no choice but to keep getting up.

You have to get up. There's no option. You have a child to take care of. You have two children to take care of. So my husband and I both were like, we have to figure out some different type of schedule here so that each of us can start to get some good sleep. So what we did was I would take the overnights and he would wake up early in the morning and I would sleep for a few hours until like 6 a.m. until noon and he would handle that shift.

And that worked out pretty well for us, but it still was like, wow, like we are still so exhausted. That went on and, you know, you get into. like a couple weeks after, it's like, this is so terribly difficult. And I would lay there and, like, for the longest time, I thought I made such a mistake. And I would sit there and I'm like, I hate being a mom. I can't do this. Like, it's so hard having two babies at once where they both need you at the same time. And even little things like, you know, I see my friends with one baby.

They're able to go out and, you know, it's easy for them. I don't want to say easy, but it's easier for them to get out of the house. Here I am, having to pack up two babies, you know, having to worry about, you know, how am I going to handle this on my own? You know, my husband went back to work about like eight weeks after and I would just sit there all day and, you know, it's supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life, but I never felt more alone. And I look back, I'm like, holy crap. Like, even still today, I'm like, it sucks sometimes having two at once where you're not really able to have that like one-on-one bond that you see other parents have. And it is like, you know, everything like from diaper cost to formula costs, all of that is times two. And God, it is ridiculous. The amount of diapers we go through, the amount of formula we were going through. But it was, it was really easy to, to constantly compare yourself to people that only have one child and how different it is having two at once, especially when you weren't expecting to have two at once. You know, like here I was

transferring one embryo. I'm like, okay, I'll have one baby. And it's like, I couldn't even fathom going out to run a quick errand alone without my husband. After about four months, the girl started sleeping through the night, which was such a game changer. I finally felt like I was a real person again and a real human. Like I was, I started getting good sleep and you're back on a schedule. Exactly. That and that is so important when it comes to twins is keeping that routine of, you know, nap times and feeding times and their wake windows and just making sure that you keep that routine for them because that is what is going to help you thrive. You know, you can't just go out anywhere and not be mindful of their needs, you know. But looking at my life today,

the one thing, like, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself, like, you can do this. And I had help. You know, my mom was over all the time, my siblings, my friends. You know, I had a great support system. And, you know, even people just coming over and like bringing a coffee or, you know, a lot of people would bring us food. That was so helpful because we weren't eating half the time. We weren't eating. I maybe would drink a sip of water a day because I was so tired and just every second the babies needed something, especially when they were small.

It was so challenging to make sure that you're also prioritizing your own health and your own mental health too. You know, I got stuck in such a dark place for a really long time. and I probably should have asked for more help. That's probably one thing I do regret a little bit is I should have asked for help. I should have told people. Did you do any type of therapy or anything? I didn't.

And I really should have. And when I did, I did start to kind of look into it a bit, but then it was time for me to start going back to work. You know, my maternity leave was ending. And they were really like, I don't want to say I didn't have the time because I could have made the time. but it was hard to work around my work schedule plus being a mom. It's, you know, I should have. I don't know. It was like the intrusive thoughts that you get and that constant comparison of like the what-ifs.

This would be so much easier if I just had one child. I would be able to do this if I just had one child. Well, I think too, like even going back to what I wanted to mention or touch on a little bit in the beginning, like when you said that your friend told you that she was pregnant, and you feel guilty because, yeah, I feel like, you know, that's kind of how it happens. It's like the people that aren't trying. Exactly. You see people all the time and it is.

And then, yeah, and it does feel at times like life's not fair. And, you know, as humans, I don't, I'm not saying this in a negative way, but it's okay to feel selfish at times and to be upset. That's a normal emotion. Exactly. And it doesn't mean that you are taking away from her or her experience. You know, all you can do in that. moment is be a good friend. But it's also normal and okay to feel sad and feel like, you know,

what's wrong with me? And those are all normal emotions. And I think that it's important to talk about because there's so many people that, you know, probably feel that way and feel like, wow, like my friend that didn't even want a kid is now pregnant easily. Yes. You know, and it's having this breeze of an experience and I'm over here working my ass out and trying to everything. Literally, like it's becoming a chore for me trying to have a child. So, you know, I think that on its own is is very important to acknowledge, but also to not be yourself up over. You know, those are such normal emotions. Right.

And then also just the experience of having babies. I mean, I've heard so many times, and look, I don't know if I want kids. You know, sometimes I do. But I also know my personality, and I know how overwhelmed I can get. And I've heard these stories of people being so overwhelmed and having postpartum to depression and everything in between. And I don't know if I mean, that is, I can't imagine. Yeah, it is. It's a different feeling. You know, you think, oh, I just had a baby. This is great. This is the most exciting time of my life. But it is.

The whole life is focused on another human being. Yeah. Right. And I don't think people understand when you are not getting sleep or food, like your basic needs. Exactly. You're, you will go insane. Totally. Exactly. Yeah. But no, like, So I, you know, I'm not going to say I get it because I don't, but like, I mean, the closest thing I could understand is when people get a puppy and they're like, you know, and it's like, it's like having a baby. And, you know, people, I'd be lying if there wasn't times that you sit there and you feel so stressed and like angry at yourself and overwhelmed and you're like, why did I do this?

Like, why did I put myself? But then it's like, and it's hard in those moments to think like, one day it'll all be worth it. Right. You know, and I feel like it kind of is similar in that sense. Obviously, a human is way, way different. But that's just for myself the kind of thing that I think back to of like having a thought similar to that of like you put yourself in these situations thinking it's going to be, you know, but it's important because I think a lot of people also especially, you know, new moms, they probably feel so guilty for feeling those ways. Yeah, but it's totally normal to feel that way. You know, you have to say goodbye to your old self essentially.

Like you become a whole new person. You have to say goodbye to freedom, your schedule, your routine. Yes. Yes. You know, but I will say that I think by letting go of that and also getting through that, like, while yes, I know that you mentioned, okay, you should have leaned on, you know, maybe a therapist or other people for more help. I think being able to reflect and know that you got through that gives you a new type of strength of like, if I could get through that, I can get through anything. Yes, exactly.

Right. Because it's almost like it breaks you in a way. It does. Like it breaks your mental strength. a little bit. Right. Especially, you know, having to go through the process of IVF, you know, it's like, okay, the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do as a woman is carry a child and here I am unable to even conceive a child, you know? Yeah. It was hard. Right. So you go through that and then you expect, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to have a baby and then it ends up being two babies, you know,

so everything that- You can't even see them right away. Yeah, I couldn't, I didn't, I wasn't able to hold them until the next morning, you know, I, you have to kind of accept that, you have to kind of accept that, your experience is different, but in its own beautiful way, it's like it's its own process and it's its own journey. And I feel like that's another reason, you know, like I was saying before we started filming, why it's so important for you to be here and talking about it. Because so many people go through that journey and not just like the normal of, you know, people have struggles. And I think that the more that these experiences are talked about, the less comparison hopefully because I think that's what really eats you up is that comparison of like

well like you said like the what ifs and well these people get to have babies and it happens this way and I didn't get that experience but you know while yes it's different and it sucks in a way because you didn't get that you have two beautiful healthy babies you know and they're so amazing right but it's hard like in those moments I think until you're fully out of it and healed from that portion of it it's hard to view it from that perspective. Right. And you hear one in six families struggle with fertility. So it is so common now that it's so important to make it, I don't want to say normal,

but it is, it's, you know, this was my normal. But even just to, I feel like, educate people so they have some sort of preparation for it to go that way, you know, because I think for you, you might have had, slight ideas of things or how things might go as you were going through these steps. But you didn't know, I feel like going into it, that it would be this way during birth and then right after. And, you know, you didn't know that they were going to be born early and the sad another. So I think it gives people a better preparation and education of like, okay, this could happen so that they're not as like distraught by it or stuck in that comparison and that

sadness. Right. I'm just like, well, what if, you know? Yeah. And then you start Googling things. and it's, you know, especially when I was going through the IVF process, you know, you start Googling things and it's like, okay, people that are trying to conceive regularly, you know, for, I think within six months, like 70% of people end up having a baby, like, you know, end up pregnant within, you know, six months of trying. And here I am like a year late and up to a year, it's, I think that number goes up to like 90%. I like to try to find motivational quotes. And, you know, I think I get that from my dad.

He is always sending me some sort of motivational quote, even on just a random day. And one quote that I found that stuck really hard throughout the process was to trust the journey even when you don't understand it. And that was so important to me to remember throughout it is like, let me just trust this process. let me figure this out and just kind of learn to go with the wave. Right. Yeah. And I think, too, you know, like you were saying, everyone's journey is so different. Even with IVF, I think that there could be people that have an easier journey with that.

And some people that have to do it multiple times and keep trying and trying, unfortunately, even then they might not have success. So I feel like the more that these stories are discussed, even if each one is different, it provides that community of feeling like you're not alone in it because it's so easy to feel so alone not even just in the experience

while it's happening but just in general like afterwards because I'm sure that there's times where you're like I would like to talk to somebody about this or to feel like other people get this and they understand the experience

because you know it's just everyone is so different and everyone's journey and bodies are so different And we obviously, we don't have any control over that. But I think the more communication and resources there are of people sharing those stories. Because, you know, I've even seen on TikTok people post their IVF journeys. But even then, it's like that could vary so much between person and person. There are people that have gone through multiple cycles and have been trying for five years.

Right. You know, where it's like, I almost have imposter syndrome when it comes to this like, wow, it happened for me on the first time. I just, I got lucky, I guess, you know? Yeah. And even like the twin aspect. Right. Wow. And do you have any, like, history of twins in your family?

No. So it's funny because I did so much research on twins after I found out I was having twins. So there are so many different types of twins. So identical twins don't run in families. Okay. Yeah. And yours are identical? Yes, mine are identical.

When your egg splits, they're identical. Got it. when you have two separate eggs. So twins that you see that run in people's families, it comes from the mother's side. So the woman has, they release multiple eggs. What's it called? I can't remember what it's called.

But with twins that run in families, the woman is hyper-ovulating. So their body is releasing multiple eggs when they ovulate, which then in turn can lead to twins. That's it. And that's where you see like the boy girl twins and, you know, twins that don't look alike. Okay.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So I have my twin pregnancy. They were called Modi, Mo-Dye twins. Modi, so they shared a placenta, but they had two separate amniotic sacks.

And how old are they now? They turned 14 months yesterday. Yes. They're starting to walk, you know. I love it. They're such happy babies. and I can't imagine my life any different now. Where there are still some days where I'm like,

wow, this would be so much easier with just one baby. Even when it comes down to food shopping, you know, most shopping carriages just have one seat. And it's very normal to go through waves. Yes. You could have good days, good weeks, good months, and then have a day where you're like, screw this. Yeah, this is terrible.

Exactly. You know? All normal feelings to, you know, get overwhelmed. Right. And I think that that's, should be more normalized. I feel like especially, and I feel like social media is kind of split. Like you have the moms on social media that are more like open and they don't care. Right. And then there's people that it could be perceived like they're living this perfect life.

They're the best parent. Yeah. It's so easy to compare yourself to that. But it should be normalized to have all these different emotions. Like at the end of the day, like I said before, we're human. It's normal to have these thoughts. I feel like it would be more robotic if you didn't. Yeah. So it's, I think it's healthy that you go through these. different waves of emotions and feelings. And it's educational. And that's all that you can really provide from your experience. Question, do you think that you want any more kids or no?

So I do have that one embryo that's frozen still. So I could definitely see myself having more children. And how would the process work with that? So with that, they thaw the embryo. Okay. And then they'll transfer it. But there's a chance that the embryo won't survive the thaw. Okay.

There's a lot of factors that will go into that too. But you can do that at any time, or is that like a time frame for that? I think you can keep an embryo frozen for a while. Okay. Yes. And then would you have to go through the shot process again or no? I don't believe so. I think there are some instances where you might have to have medication throughout it

just to make sure that your body is prepped for it. Okay. That's my understanding, but I don't know. I think about it and I really don't think I would want to do another full cycle of IVF. Yeah. You know, it took a lot on me mentally and even physically too, you know, when your ovaries are being stimulated like that. So they're basically tripling in size. You know, it was so uncomfortable.

I felt terribly bloated all the time. What were the side effects? Yeah, terrible bloating and just like cramping and, you know, you had to be really careful with physical exercise because with them, with your ovaries being so enlarged, it has a chance of it twisting, which could. Yeah, there's a lot of things that you have to be mindful of during it. And, you know, after they do the egg retrieval, you do experience like cramping afterwards. which for me was pretty intense for a while. Like I remember coming home from the procedure and like I was like, this is really, I'm in a lot of pain right now.

But within a couple days, you feel a lot better. Okay. Yeah. Jeez. Is there anything that you can't do? As far as. Like when you're on your IVF journey, like in the beginning phases of when you're doing like the injections and stuff?

Not necessarily. Like, I mean, you can still exercise, but they tell you, you know. Just be more careful. Yes. Be more careful. You know. don't do jumping jacks and anything like super high intensity. They tell you could go for, you know, go for a walk or do some stretching yoga, you know.

Right. That's always, you know, even beneficial too to make sure that you're still moving your body. I'm a firm believer in keeping your body moving, you know, even throughout my pregnancy too. I tried to stay as active as I possibly could. And I think that made a huge difference for me too, just making sure that I still kept that self moving for your mental health. Exactly. I feel like that's such a big part of routine for so many people.

Right. Even if it's just walking. Yes. It's so good for you just to get out and clear your mind because I think it can be very easy to get in your own head and make yourself start crazy. It's throughout that process plus being pregnant and then being home with a new baby, you really do get kind of stuck. Yeah.

You know, so it is important to make sure that you are. prioritizing your own health too. Yeah, for sure. But there are so many resources available to. You know, I found a great community on Facebook, you know, within Massachusetts, you know, that's totally dedicated to parents of IVF, you know. So that was. Can you just like read people's stories or can you, and you talk to people in there too?

Yeah, yeah. People go in, they ask questions, you know, there are people that are really experienced with IVF in there that, you know, can help answer questions. And then there's that, so they have that group. And then they have a group for once you do become pregnant after IVF, you know, so parenting afterwards. And it's important. It is so important. You know, we're lucky as much of a curse. Social media can be sometimes. It is so great to have those resources available, you know, at your fingertips. I always say, I say that all the time. I'm like, you know, there are definitely downsides to it.

But, you know, even like what we were talking about before, people can comment and say the harshest things. But if someone can just, you know, if somebody's going through an IVF journey or is even just struggling to get pregnant and they're able to just simply type that in on Google or YouTube and even listening, you know, listen to your story and just be like, wow, okay, so this is somebody that even after the fact, like, it's still normal that they're getting emotional about it and they understand it. And I'm not alone.

And there's people out there that have also struggled and felt these ways. Right. It's really important. I mean, that can change somebody's mindset completely because, I mean, in those moments when you're in those dark places, it can be very hard for people to even get it. I mean, even if you decided to talk to a therapist, sometimes that doesn't even always help people. Right. Sometimes you need to feel like to talk to someone directly that has experienced it and gets it. Exactly.

And that was the main thing is like I wanted to find a therapist that maybe had twins or went through IVF. And like it's very niche. Yes, exactly. Right. It makes a big difference. It does. I think, I mean, like we were saying, the more resources and communication and community that you can find with any situation, I think the better you're going to feel and the more helpful it's going to be to help you get through. Right.

These different journeys. Yes, exactly. For sure. And then for just to ask if, you know, because I know that you said the Facebook group that you found was for your specific. area, right? Yes. So did you just kind of look it up? Yes. I went on Facebook and I typed it in and it popped up. So I'm sure there are other resources like that for other areas. Yeah. So I would definitely recommend looking into them. Right. Because I feel like that too, when it's something, I noticed that with things that are

platforms like Facebook, when people can just write in, I feel like it's more like blog style. Yes. So it's very, I feel like, unfiltered and real and raw. And I feel like. That's very important because you can read it and comment. Then you also have the ability to message people if you want to. Yes. So I think that's a good idea for people to research and look it up. Yeah. Yeah, I would, I mean, like I said, if I can help one person feel less alone or help them find resources, I would love to help.