We're All Insane - Surviving Teenage Cancer

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Olivia shares her incredible journey of overcoming cancer at the tender age of 18. Listen in as she navigates through the highs and lows, sharing stories of resilience, courage, and the power of hope. With the support of loved ones, the dedication of her medical team, and the unwavering strength within herself, Olivia fought through every obstacle that came her way. Whether you're battling cancer yourself or know someone who is, you're not alone on this journey. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. I am Olivia and I was an 18 year old cancer survivor and I've been in remission for six years now. Actually, my remission date is December 22nd, so it was like maybe like two weeks ago that I hit six years. And I wanted to tell my story because childhood cancer is pretty underrepresented in the cancer world. It only receives like 4% of the funding that the government gives out for cancer research, whereas like 96% of that goes to adult cancers. So also like kids don't really understand what's going on, like what's happening to them when they're sick.

but I was at an age where I was like 17, so I was kind of like teetering on the edge of adulthood. So I feel like I got cancer at a really unique time in my life. And so I haven't really heard a lot of other teenage cancer survivor stories, and I wanted to share mine. And a lot of me was apprehensive to tell my story because you can kind of feel like you're searching for pity or like I had the good cancer. I had Hodgkin's lymphoma, which is like a pretty curable and treatable cancer. there's been the same types of treatments for it since like the 70s.

It's like a really successful cancer that can be treated and can be cured. So sometimes you feel like your story wasn't bad enough to tell it. But I was like, fuck it, I'm going to tell my story because I've always wanted to kind of dig into the personal things I was going through during it and not just how chemo was and not just like what the side effects were. but really the collateral damage that it had on my teenage life that I was going through and trying to balance being like a chronic illness patient and going through my senior year of high school was a lot to balance. So it's very common that I think we take our health for granted. Like we just go through the motions every day.

We wake up. We have a routine. We don't really think about it. And then no matter what it is, even if it's a simple cold, it's like it can just change everything. No, yeah. You know, so getting diagnosed with something like that. even if it isn't the worst kind, it's still like it jabs a knife in your whole life.

Yeah. And I actually thought I had a cold for a long time. But it turned out to be cancer, which is like quite the plot twist. But yeah, I'll get into that. Okay. Jeez, that's crazy. So during my childhood, everything was fairly normal. I grew up in like a suburban town outside of Chicago. And for health, there was no history of cancer in my family or any, like, major health issues that I expected to get passed on to me. I did have, like, some behavioral issues growing up. I was, for the most part, a good kid with good grades, but I was, like, defiant. Like, I talked back to teachers a lot, struggled to pay attention in class.

Probably just your typical case of, like, undiagnosed ADHD. But overall, I was a good kid. Like, I wasn't the most popular, but I always had a couple of friends. And I was never really into sports or anything, but I was really passionate about music. I started taking piano lessons when I was five and then still play to this day. And then in fifth grade, I started band and I started playing flute. And so that kind of carried all the way through high school. And I was really, really involved in marching band and wind ensemble,

which was like the honors band at my high school and stuff. So that was like my hobbies and stuff as a kid. But on the downside, something more personal about me is that I've struggled with bad body image issues and a bad relationship with food, like pretty much my entire life. And I feel like this isn't a unique experience for young girls, which is sad to say. But I feel like ever since I was like eight or nine, I wanted to be skinny and just be skinnier than I was. I think it stemmed from the fact that I'm taller than average.

So therefore, I'm way more than average. And when you're really young and you're like hitting these big growth spurts and all your other gal pals are like these like skinny, mini little girls and you're kind of like the bigger one, kind of like how Taylor Swift like talks about that stuff. she's like really, really tall and stuff. So I always felt insecure about it. And I was never, I feel like I could never be described as thin or chubby. I was like kind of like in between a lot.

And so that was a big point of insecurity for me because I was really scared of like teetering over that edge where people would describe me as bigger. And so I ever since I was young, kind of had this toxic cycle of overeating and binging a lot, then feeling horrible about myself and then restricting for a few. days and then like only to give up and start binge eating again. So that's something that was kind of prevalent throughout my whole childhood, especially in like my tween years, like 10 to 13. And that was like the Wild West era of Tumblr where there was a lot of really harmful content out there on EDs and self-harm and stuff like that. So I feel like that kind of got in my head a lot. And so fast forwarding to high school, freshman year I was in marching band. I had a good group of friends going and academically I was doing well, but I was really deeply insecure at this point. I was at

my heaviest weight I ever was and I was really binge eating a ton. I had babysitting money and stuff because over the summer I had nannied these kids and so I would like buy snacks that my mom wouldn't buy. She's not an almond mom, but she would never buy like pop tarts and soda and candy and stuff. Like the best we got was like goldfish or like occasionally she would rotate in like a sugary cereal with all the like healthier ones and stuff. I'll go back. to like freshman year of high school starting because this is like kind of when the story really begins. So I was in marching band. I had a group of friends and I met my best friend that year and we're still besties to this day. And academically I was doing well, but I was really deeply

insecure at this point. I was at my heaviest weight yet. I was binge eating a ton and I had snacks under my bed that I didn't want my mom to know I was eating. And she wasn't an almond mom, like I said, but we didn't have like the good snacks that you want. Like you want soda, candy, chips, whatever. She wouldn't buy that stuff. So I was hiding stuff under my bed and eating it. And at this point, you know how like a 14, 15 year old girl's brain is. I felt like no boys would ever be interested in me because I was like kind of like just

felt ugly like straight up. I just felt not good about my appearance at all. And meanwhile, my best friend that I had just met, she had a boyfriend and people were getting asked to homecoming and I was like left out of that. And so I just felt really insecure at this point in my life. And so sophomore year, I wanted to have a glow up. And so I kind of unintentionally got one and I'll get into that. But sophomore year starts. I got my first part time job. I was working out because this was like the first era of like I feel like the gym shark girls on Instagram like came about. And I was like looking at like Whitney Simmons and I was like doing her workouts. And also this was the rise of like beauty,

tube, so I got really into makeup and fashion. And I was just like starting to become more confident in my appearance. I also like dyed my hair black for the first time. Still dye it black to this day, although it's not looking good right now. But that's the hotel's fault. And also I was getting straight a's for the first time. I was in like honors classes. I took honors chemistry and really liked it. I was getting 100% on like every test. I was just like thriving sophomore year. Everything was going good. And so the first symptom that kind of popped up and I had no idea at the time was that I started to lose weight without really trying. And so for all these years, like I mentioned, I really struggled with binge eating. Like I could not listen to my hunger cues for the life of me.

I would just eat and eat and eat. And even if I was full and I knew I was full, I was just eating out of like comfort and boredom. And because like I felt bad about myself and that's just like emotional eating 101. And so it progressed really slowly over time, but all of a sudden, some point in the beginning of sophomore year, I just didn't feel that hungry anymore. And I would still eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and like a snack or two, but I just didn't feel that need to like keep eating like I always did. And I was like, well, that's convenient. I guess I'm growing out of that. And I could have never known it was something so sinister. But by the end of sophomore year,

I'd probably lost like 10 pounds. Like it wasn't that much, but it was enough to, feel like, okay, like I lost my baby fat. Like that's what my mom told me. She's like, oh, you're losing your baby fat. And I was like, oh, cute, cool. Like, I'm finally feeling more confident in my appearance. And so that was like started the first half of the school year. And then the second half, like in the new year is when my next symptom popped up, which

was fatigue. And fatigue can kind of be explained away when you're a teenager as like, oh, teens don't want to wake up before 10 a.m. on the weekends. Like it's just like a typical teenager thing, but I feel like my fatigue was definitely more than the normal amount you would expect. But I did have a really busy schedule. I was like in early bird classes. So I had to be at school by seven in the morning. So I was waking up at like 5.30 doing my full beat, you know, like going to school, like the 2016 era.

And then I had marching man after school. And that was from like six to eight 30, like twice a week. And then I had my job. So I was like always going and going and going. and I had a lot of homework because I was in the honors classes and stuff. And so I thought I was just tired, but it got to the point where I would like occasionally fall asleep in class. Like after school when I would get home, I would immediately go to bed and then nap until I had

to wake up to go to marching band practice. And so then on the weekends, I would sleep in on Saturdays until maybe like 10 or 11, eat breakfast. And then I would just feel like I had to go back to bed again. And then I would go back to bed and sleep for a few more hours and then wake up like early afternoon. And I remember talking to my friend about this and I was like, do you ever just feel so tired that like you wake up, you eat and then you just go back to bed because you just like want to get more sleep? And just like, no, like just drink more coffee. And I was like, okay.

And so I had like a crippling caffeine addiction by the time I was like 15, which that hasn't changed any like at all still drinking coffee a lot. but I was just like relying on caffeine and like all day long to keep me up. And so I was not really feeling that good. But the fatigue and the weight loss at this point weren't enough where I was like, this is a red flag. I need to go to the doctor. I kind of just like didn't think about it and just pushed it under the rug. I was like, whatever.

This is just like how things are. And so then at the end of sophomore year, I had, you know, lost like 10 pounds. I had had my first kiss that year. I was feeling more confident in my appearance. My hair was longer. I was in a makeup. I had like cuter clothes because I had money to like go buy clothes at the mall and stuff. And so I was like, cool, that was a good year.

And then I registered for my junior year classes and I signed up for a ton of APs. Big mistake because I ended up being like super sick like all of junior year. But I signed up for like AP physics, AP chemistry, honors English, like honors band. So I was going to be swamped because junior years that year. you're supposed to like prep for the SATs and start applying to colleges and thinking about your future. And so I was doing all the things. But then, oh, sorry, I lost my train of thought. So yeah, signed up for all those AP classes.

And I was just feeling pretty good by the end of sophomore year. I had my glow up that I like set out to have. And so that summer I went on a trip with my school to Europe. We went to Germany and France because I was in honors band. and they select like a group of students to go. And you obviously have to like pay like to do it and stuff. But we went to Germany to do an exchange program with this German music school. So I was there for like 10 days.

And I was weighing myself a lot just because of like I was very like hyper aware of my weight all the time and like what I was eating. And at the end of that trip I lost like eight pounds. And that was kind of strange. And I remember coming back and being in the airport. My mom was like, you look really thin. like what's going on? And I was like, well, we were in Europe, you know, the portion sizes are smaller. We're walking a lot. Like, I was definitely not eating as much while I was there because I was just, um, I was just eating whatever they were feeding me, which was like way less than I was

usually eating at home in the States. But I lost eight pounds on that trip. And I, that was the first time where I was like, that's like a bit much. Like that seems kind of odd that in like a week, I lost eight pounds. But anyways, that. That. trip happened, junior year starts up in August. And this is when I'll call him David comes into the picture. He ended up kind of being my first boyfriend, although we were like never official for the whole time that we had this thing going on. And he ends up being through me or with with me through the whole cancer journey. And so I had never had a real boyfriend. I had my first kiss sophomore year, but David befriended me.

And he was kind of known to be like a player within the marching band. Like he was kind of like that off putting smart guy that was like kind of snarky and like didn't have a lot of friends. But he was like super smart, super nerdy, really talented musician. And I was like, I can fix him. Like so he be friends me and we start hanging out. We start talking. We have a lot in common.

We have a shared sense of humor. I really enjoy how like nerdy he is and like different from the. other guys, he seems. And so I start getting a crush on him and we end up having a thing for a couple months. But then he broke my heart and I was going through my first like real heartbreak. And I feel like everything when you're a teenager, like the emotions are so heightened. So I was like really depressed at this time. And he was with somebody else. So I was like walking through the school halls every day and would see them together. And it just like really hurt me. And this was right around the time that I started developing my cough, and that was like the biggest symptom that kind of

carried through the whole experience. So like I said, I thought I had a cold. Like I was just coughing one day. And it wasn't like all day long. It was just like occasionally throughout the day I would have a few coughing fits. And there was no phlegm. There was no like mucus. It was just like a shortness of breath type of cough. Like if you've had COVID, it kind of felt like that. Like you kind of like can't catch your breath. And so you start coughing. And so my dad does have asthma. And I was like, well, maybe it's asthma because I don't know what the fuck, like anything about medicine or science. So I go to the doctor with my mom and I'm like telling them that I have this cough and whatnot. And they give me a pill that's supposed to reduce inflammation. And I would

take that daily. And then they gave me an inhaler. And I just didn't. I think it was like the placebo effect. Like even though it was a real medication, I don't think it was actually helping me. But for the first like month I was on that, I kind of like thought it was helping me. And it was probably just like all a mental thing because I was still coughing, but I was like, well, I'm on medicine. Like medication, like how bad could it be? You know, like it'll go away. So I just like another thing I pushed under the rug, another symptom that I ignored and should have like thought more about. But 16 and 17 is like a weird age where when you're younger, when you're like,

up to, I would say, maybe 13 years old. Your parents sort of have full agency over your health. Like, they're the ones who take your temperature and notice when you're not feeling well. But now I was at the age where I kind of had agency over my own health. And it was up to me to speak up and be like, mom, I don't feel good. Like something weird is going on. But I just ignored it. I was like, whatever.

Like, this can't be that bad. And I still felt like, okay. Like, it's not like I was nauseous or like coughing up blood like you see in the movies when somebody gets cancer, they're like, one day they just wake up and they're coughing up blood and the next thing you know, they go to the doctor and they're like, you have two weeks to live. Like, that's really not how it is in reality. The reality of cancer is that sometimes the symptoms can be explained away by other things. Like, for example, my fatigue was kind of explained away as me just being a sleepy teenager.

And then the weight loss, it was happening so slowly over time. And like hindsight is 2020, right? Like by the time I got diagnosed, I was down like 40 pounds. But when it's happening only a little bit at a time, you don't really notice how much, how much weight you've lost. And also, since I was so, like, insecure about my body, I was welcoming it. And I was very secretly happy that I was losing weight without really trying. And that was another reason I kind of ignored it.

And looking back, I'm like, if I hadn't been so insecure about my body, would I have noticed the red flag sooner? because when you lose weight and you're not on a diet and you're not working out and you're not trying to lose weight, like that's not normal. Like you should check that out. But I was happy about it because I was like, I'm finally skinny and this boy likes me. And so David and I had a thing for a few months. And like I said, he broke my heart.

And I was developing this cough and things were just kind of going downhill. And junior year is really when shit hit the fan and when I couldn't ignore the problems with my health anymore. So by the end of the first half of junior year, things weren't great. I wasn't doing as well in school as I had hoped. I had all these aspiration sophomore year to do all these AP classes. And I wanted to be that kid with like a 4.5 GPA who got into like all their top schools. And that dream kind of flew out the window. And I had to see David and his girlfriend walking through the hallways everywhere, kissing at the water fountain. And even though I was happier with my appearance, because I was skinnier, I still didn't truly feel happy with myself because that's not where true

happiness really comes from, which is something I've learned later in life. But second half of junior year starts and this is when things really kind of spiraled. So the weight loss, cough and fatigue were worsening. And one day after band, my band director was the closest teacher to me. And I really appreciate him doing this, but he pulled me aside into his office. And he's like, Olivia, like, I need to know, are you struggling with an eating disorder? Because you do. do not look the way you've looked since I've known you. He's like, I've known you for three years and like, I've never seen you look so thin. And he's like, you look sickly. Like, and I didn't really know what to say because, like, no, I wasn't purposely losing weight, but I also couldn't

really eat. Like, at this point, eating a banana to me felt like eating a five-course meal from the cheesecake factory. Like, I don't know how to explain it, but every time I ate, I just felt like my stomach was swollen and it kind of hurt. to put any more food into my system. So I would eat like half my lunch, half my dinner, and I just like would never finish a meal because it just hurt to eat. And that was like due to like the cancer,

like my body was using so much energy to fight off what was happening inside me that it didn't have like enough energy to eat. I don't really know the science behind it, but it's definitely a symptom that is pretty common with Hodgkin's lymphoma. And so I told him no, like I'm not, struggling with an eating disorder. Like, I don't really know what's wrong with me. And he's like, you can tell me, like, I have a teenage daughter. He's like, I want to get you help if we need to

send you to the school counselor, like, get you some resources. Like, I can help you. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. Like, I don't, I'm not like doing this on purpose. And I felt like he didn't really believe me, but he just let me go because there's only so much a teacher can step in before they're like, okay, like it's up to you to figure it out. And so outside of band, like in my other classes, my teachers were starting to like have beef with me because I was had all these like high expectations for myself. Like I wanted to be the smart kid. I wanted to do all these AP classes. But suddenly my grades were dropping. I wasn't doing well on exams. I wasn't doing my homework. I was like cheating off of other people and just trying to scrape by whatever I could because I was

so tired all the time that I was brain fogging like during class. Like I couldn't really pay attention in the way I wanted to. And then after school, since I was just going right to bed, marching man season was over the second half of the year. So I didn't have like as much going on in my schedule. So I just slept all the time. Like right after school, 3.30, I was in bed, sleeping until eight would wake up, eat whatever food I could manage to put down and then just go right back to bed.

And my mom and dad definitely noticed at this point and they were like, why are you sleeping so much? And they're like, maybe you have mono or like something like that, you know, something more typical or less deadly to get. But I was struggling in class and my math teacher particularly was like really rude to me about it because one time we had an exam and I was sick. So I stayed home from school and she accused me of like cheating on the exam because, you know, if I missed school, then I could have like texted one of my classmates and got the answers and then came back and like did the test and stuff. And I was like, no, I did not cheat. And she didn't believe me.

And she already didn't like me because I never did my homework. I was never like paying attention in class. She gave me a few detentions for texting during class and like stupid stuff like that. She was a really strict teacher. And I was like, I don't know what to say to you to make you believe me that I didn't cheat on this exam. And she's like, maybe you'll have better look with your math teacher next year because like clearly we have an issue here that we're not addressing. And I was like, okay, lady, like whatever. This was like the last thing on my mind. I was just like trying to get through the days. I was not focused on doing well in school anymore. And it was kind of this weird time where I felt like everyone thought I was stupid. Like I felt like my teachers thought that I didn't belong in

their AP classes. And I remember these two kids in my physics class, apparently they laughed about me. on the bus or something because the physics teacher would like randomly call on people to answer questions and I didn't know the answer. And so I just started like rambling and trying to figure out what to say. And I heard that they were like making fun of me on the bus or something because I was like too dumb to be in honors physics or whatever. And that really hurt me because I was a smart person. Like I knew my own capabilities academically, but I just couldn't perform. And the problem is I didn't really have an excuse because I wasn't actually diagnosed with anything yet. So telling them that I was tired and I couldn't pay attention and that I was like not doing my homework. That's not an excuse as to why

you're not doing well. Like I didn't have an explanation. So I was kind of just a deer in the headlights. Like whenever my teachers would ask me, why aren't you performing in class? It was just, I don't know. Like I'm just tired. I can't do it. And they were like thinking, well, you need to believe in yourself, this is like a discipline issue. And I was like, no, it's not. Like, I just can't do it. And I didn't even understand like why I couldn't do it. I just knew I was tired and I knew I couldn't pay attention. And so I kind of started believing that I was stupid and that I wasn't capable of like being an honor student and doing well in life. And earlier in junior year, when things weren't as bad yet, I was like, I want to be a doctor one day. I want to go into the

medical field. And that was like my thing. And so this dream was, falling out the window because apparently to be a doctor, like by 17, you have to be doing like X, Y and Z and getting like A plus in every class. Like it's such an intense path that you set yourself on. And I had another friend who also wanted to be a doctor. And he was doing so much better than me. And I was like, well, I'll never catch up now. Like screw it. I'm going to go to business school. And I work in finance now. So it ended up working out well. But anyways, the next symptoms that popped up. So this is like winter turning into. spring, now we're in like March or April. This is when stuff really started to get obvious and I

went to the doctor because I started getting frequent fevers and I kind of consistently sat at a 99 or 100 fever. So it wasn't that bad, but it was enough where I should stay home from school. So the first couple times it happened, I stayed home because I was like, mom, I have a fever. Like I shouldn't go to school. But it started happening so frequently that I just stopped telling her about it and I would just go to school and just take ibuprofen around the clock because, you know, I just didn't, I could, you can only miss so much school before you, like, can't miss anymore. I was, like, really falling behind. So I was like, I just need to get through the school year and then, like, I'll address this. So the fevers started happening. And then

the really weird thing that started happening is extreme chills and extreme night sweats. Like, basically, when you have a fever, you get hot, you get cold. But it was like extremities on both sides. So for the hot, I would sleep and have to change my clothes three times a night because of how much I was sweating. Like the first time it happened, I literally thought I wet the bed. I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like I woke up at like three in the morning and I was like drenched. Like somebody just poured a gatorade bucket on me. And I was like, this is so weird.

Like what? And I took my shirt off and I could literally wring out the sweat because there was so much sweat. And I was like, this is so crazy. Like because I've had fevers before in my life, but it was never that bad. And so that started happening like a few times a week and I would have to change my sheets like every day. Like it was so bad. And then for the cold, it was starting to get warmer outside because it's spring. And I would beg my parents every day like, please turn the heater up.

I can't. Like I'm so cold that I'm in pain. And my dad compromised and got me a space heater because you know how dads are with the furnace. They're like, don't touch my thermostat. Like so he always has the house like freezing cold. And so I would walk around in school with like my winter jacket. on with my hat on. Teachers are like, take your, take your hood off. And I'm like, God damn it. Like, I'm so cold. I don't want to take this off. And then I would sleep. I've always been a person

who sleeps in just like a baggy t-shirt and underwear. But at this point, I was wearing fuzzy socks, a hat, a hoodie, sweatpants, three to four blankets because I was so cold. And so he got me a space heater and my dad. And I would plug it in like right next to my bed. And then when I would wake up, I would like reach over, turn it on, let my room heat up for 10 or so minutes. So it was just warm enough where I could like manage to take my clothes off and get dressed for the day because like having no clothes on in my room like it was just so cold. I can't explain how cold I felt. It was painful.

And so I was just constantly freezing cold and everyone thought I was overreacting and it was really annoying. Like whenever I had to leave a building and like go to my car, I would sprint to my car because going out in like the cold spring air was like, it felt like knives like stabbing me. It was so bad. And I was still kind of in this weird heartbroken place. Like I never really got over the David guy. And I would still see him and his girlfriend like walking through the halls.

My grades were really down at this point. I was getting Ds and Cs in every class when I'd always been like a A and B student. And so things were really, really bad. And so the weight loss at this point was very, very obvious. I had lost, I was probably like close to 170 pounds my freshman year when I was at like my heaviest weight. And I think around this time I was probably 125 pounds. So I'd lost like a lot of weight. And I'm tall.

So it kind of like spreads out a lot. And my shoulders were super bony. My legs had like a several inch gap between them. Like I did not look good. I was really pale. I had bags under my eyes. And so I was just at my poorest healthy eye. And the cost.

was like insanely out of control. Every morning it was the worst, like right when I got out of bed, I would be coughing so hard that I started gagging because I was like exerting so much force trying to like cough out something, but there was nothing there. And so I would just start throwing up like the water I drank that morning because I was like exerting so much force. And so that was like a summary of my symptoms that I had before my mom was like, we need to get you blood work done. because I had gone to the doctor a couple times, and they would just prescribe me antibiotics. And my pediatrician, I kind of like have beef with her because I don't know how she didn't order blood work sooner, given all the symptoms I was describing.

They knew I was losing weight. They knew I had a cough. They knew I was getting fevers a lot and I wasn't getting better. I was just kind of perpetually sick. And I didn't have mono. I got tested for mono and didn't have that. And then I was like, what if it's like hyperthyroidism or something? Because I knew weight loss was like a part of that.

But it wasn't that. And they never ordered me blood work. Like my mom had to call and be like, I demand that you order like a blood panel for Olivia because we need to figure out what's going on with her. Like her health is not normal at this point. And they would just give me like antibiotics. I think I got misdiagnosed with like an ear infection, which is like so silly to think about it.

Like I actually had cancer, but no, here's like some antibiotics for an ear infection. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. Well, I think unfortunately, too, a lot of times it takes so many tests and you going back and say, no, wasn't this, for them to. take it seriously.

Yeah, and you hear a lot of people talking about how doctors don't listen to them and the way they would like. Like I see memes where it's like, oh, that doctor's appointment you waited two years for. And the doctor's just like, drink water, eat healthy, get sleep, take your vitamins. Like that was not the answer I was looking for. And I get it that like they don't, I assume they wouldn't want to jump to like the worst possible conclusion.

But at the same time, it's better to be safe than sorry. And like you said, there were so many symptoms that were just bad. Right. And I think I was living with the cancer for like over a year before I got a diagnosis. And it makes me think like if I was an adult, how many co-pays and like things I would have had to pay my way to get a cancer diagnosis, which is really sad. And luckily I was still like under my parents financial care at that time. So I didn't have to like pay a dime for all of this.

But even just recently I've had like physical therapy and like stuff like that. And it's like I've paid like a thousand dollars in medical bills for like dermatology, physical therapy, like this and that. And I'm like, oh my God, like even with insurance, things are so expensive. So you almost have to like pay your way to get a diagnosis for a serious illness because a lot of doctors won't jump to that conclusion instantly. So I got the blood work done. And for some reason, this is like after the school year ended. So the school year ends, I'm like, few. Like I can finally breathe, screw my grades.

Like I got a terrible GPA, but I was like, whatever. Like I somehow managed to take the ACT, did not study at all. I got like a really low score. Not the score I was expecting myself to get, considering I did so well sophomore year. But I was like, okay, now I can breathe at summertime. So it's like June at this point. And David broke up with his girlfriend because he was a year older than me. So he was going off to college and I was like still, you know, hanging out by

the high school. And so we reconnected. And I told him, I was like, I haven't been feeling well lately, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we just kind of started talking again, like casually. Like it wasn't like we were like dating or anything, but we were talking again, even though we had a really bad falling out the previous year. The school year ends and my mom had demanded I get the blood work done. And so I had always gotten like my flu shot and stuff, but I had never gotten blood drawn. And I was like deathly afraid of them putting the knee. in like the elbow area for some reason. So I was really freaked out and nervous leading up to these blood tests because I had to get a full panel. It was like 12 tubes of blood. And I got the blood work

done and I'm walking through the parking lot with my dad. And for some reason, I just like randomly had the thought. I was like, dad, you don't think I have cancer, right? And it was just like this weird like random thought I had that I shared. And my dad was like, are you crazy? Like no. He's like, no, you don't have cancer. Like don't say stuff like that. And I was like, okay, like he's my dad. I believe him. He knows more than me.

So I get the blood work done. I'm like crying, shaking. I'm a hot mess. The nurse is like trying to like hold me down even though I'm a 17 year old girl. Like I'm mature enough to not freak out. But it was so scary. Like I was feeling like nauseous like when I looked over and saw the blood like coming out of my arm.

It's disgusting. Yeah. And so like that kind of sucked because then I learned I had a fear of needles that I had to get over real quick because I ended up getting stabbed with a needle like 20,000 times throughout the next year after that. But I got the blood work done, had that first inkling of like, this can't be good. Because if it's not mono, if it's not hypothyroidism, if it's not like one of these things that I've heard people having, then what is it? And that's when my mind was like, this can't be good. Like I started having this feeling of impending doom, kind of like a gut feeling

that something bad was about to happen to me. And it, uh, it, really took hold of my mind when I was in the shower one day, like a week after the blood test, and I fainted. Like, all of a sudden I was showering and I felt like sand was like rushing through my ears. And I just like couldn't like, everything started to like go black. And then I fell in the shower and like, thank God I didn't hit my head on like the side of the tub or anything. But I was just like in the shower for like several minutes. And then I woke up and like the water was still running and I was like, what the fuck just happened? Like, I just fainted. Like, it was so scary because I've never experienced anything like that before. You know, I've gotten like lightheaded,

but nothing like that. That was like an extreme experience. And so the blood test came back and my counts were not good. Like my red blood cell counts were low. My white blood cell counts were low. They told me I had anemia. And I was like, well, that makes sense because I'm freezing cold all the time and I'm losing weight. And I knew another girl. who I was kind of friends with had anemia. And she also kind of had a similar, like, looked at her. Like, she was really skinny. She was pale.

And I was like, okay, that makes sense. Like, maybe it's just that. Maybe it's just, like, blood stuff. But after I got those results, they ordered a chest x-ray because I had the cough. And they were like, we want to get an x-ray done to, like, take a look at your lungs. And that's when I knew, like, that made my heart drop because I was like, an x-ray, like on my lungs. Like, I thought x-rays were for like a broken wrist.

Like what? Like, why? And so that night, this is kind of like funny looking back on it. But I did the thing that everyone tells you not to do when you're sick, which was like go on WebMD and start like deep diving into your symptoms. And I don't know if you've seen like Twilight or anything, but there's this one scene in Twilight where Bella's like searching on the computer and she like gets that book from this bookstore.

And she's like connecting all the dots like that Edward. is a vampire. And that's how I felt like looking up my symptoms. No, yeah, I'm obsessed. No, same. I'm obsessed. I'm still like trying to make my boyfriend watch all the movies with me. No, like it is that I've probably seen it a thousand times. No, yeah. And I like know every word. And like big Twilight fan right here. Big Edward fan. That's like my same. T. Medward all the way. Yeah, he's just something about him. He just looks like he's dying and I like it. So yeah, no, I get that. I agree. Like that's, I mean, he was dead. Like that he was dead. But yeah, that scene like of Bella like on the laptop like that was me. Like she was looking up like, oh my God, cold blooded like this and that. And then she's like,

oh, he's a vampire. Like and that was me like on WebMD that night. I was looking up all my symptoms and I was like weight loss, fatigue, fever, chills, night sweats, cough, like all these like symptoms that I was having. And every single result was like you either have leukemia or lymphoma. Really? And I was like, fuck, like, how could it be anything else? Because I looked up other things that had already been confirmed that it was not like hypothyroidism. It wasn't that. It wasn't mono. Anemia was like part of it, but it was just more of like a contributing thing that came along with my symptoms. It wasn't like that was what I had. And so, yeah, it was like, you have cancer. Here you go. And I was like, what the hell? Like, what am I supposed to think? Because. I was still waiting to get the chest x-ray done. And I was like, okay, got to call Bestie. So I FaceTime her. And I'm just like sobbing hysterically when she answers the call.

And she's like, dude, what is wrong? And I'm like, I think I have cancer. And she's like, no way, you're crazy. And like her mom had had breast cancer in the past. And she was fine. She ended up healing from it through only like radiation. Like she didn't have to get chemo or anything. And I think her dad also had.

what's the prostate cancer? I think, yeah. So she has like experience with like the cancer world because both her parents had survived it. And so she's like there's no way you have cancer. Dude, you're 17. Like there's got to be another explanation. Just don't freak out.

Like you'll be okay. You know, like wait till your doctor's appointment before you start freaking out. But when I got off the phone with her, like as much as I love her and value her opinion and same with like my mom and dad's opinion, I just like no one could convince me. me otherwise. I kind of knew at this point. Like, I was like, there's no other explanation for this. It has to be cancer. And like, I do not feel well. I fainted in the shower. Like, I'm throwing up every morning because I'm coughing so hard. I've lost 40 pounds for no reason. I have no energy. And I'm just constantly sick. Like, I constantly have a fever. And I was like, there's just no other explanation.

Like, no one could convince me otherwise at this point. But I didn't mention it to my parents because I didn't want to freak them out because they're definitely more emotionally, like, hysterical than me when it comes to stuff like that. I mean, I'm their kid. Like, it makes sense. And I'm the youngest and the only girl. I have two older brothers, but they're like a decade older than me. So I'm like the baby and like they worry about me. And so anyways, I think two weeks or three weeks later, I get the chest x-ray done. And then I had my follow-up appointment with a lung doctor. So we go to the lung doctor and I'm sitting in the room with my parents. Both of them came with, which was like, I was already like expecting bad news. And the doctor comes in and he's worked with my dad for a long

time because my dad has like lung issues. He gets bronchitis like all the time and he's on an inhaler and stuff. So I went to his doctor and he's like close with him. But the doctor comes in and he's like, I want to speak to Olivia privately. And he pulls me into his office and he's like, I want you to see the image of your lungs yourself. Like, I want you to see it with your own eyes. And so he pulls up the picture of my lungs. And I know what lungs look like, even on an x-ray. Like, there's two of them and they're there. But mine had a giant black, like, hole in the middle of one of them. Like a giant black blob was just like on one of my lungs. And I was like, what am I looking at, doctor? Like, I'm a 17-year-old with no medical education. And,

He's like, so there's a mass here. And I didn't like that word. Like whenever they say, oh, there's a mass. Like, that's a tumor. He's like, this is a tumor. And it's not in your lung, but it's on one of your lymph nodes pressing up against one of your lungs. And he's like, this is why you've been coughing because this tumor is taking up over one

third of your lung capacity. So you're like unable to breathe properly right now. And he's like, I don't want to scare you. But tumors like this are usually. cancerous and we're going to need to like have a biopsy done. And I heard him say the C word for the first time. And for some reason, I felt this like rush of excitement and validation, which was not what I expected to feel like you would expect me to break down in tears. But since like two weeks before that, I had already diagnosed myself on WebMD. I kind of knew it was coming and was just

keeping it to myself. And so when he told me, I like wasn't really that surprised. I just kind of felt validated because for a year and a half now, I'd been struggling so much with my health. I had no excuses to tell my teachers as to why I wasn't doing well. My parents were suspicious of like what was going on with me, but the doctors weren't giving us straight answers and like I couldn't get a proper diagnosis for so long. And then also my friends were noticing that I wasn't myself and that I kind of looked like a shell of myself at this point. Like I was so skinny. I was so sick. I was so tired and I just felt like nobody understood that I was going through such a hard time because I was just going to school, just living life, just trying to like get through the day by

day. But like on the inside, I was really, really struggling. And it happened so slowly over time that looking back, I didn't realize like how much my health had declined because you start just living it and it becomes like the new normal. And I felt so validated when he's told me that this is potentially a cancerous tumor because I was like, nobody believed me. Like, even when I call my best friend, she's like, no way. Like, you don't have cancer. Like, that's so extreme. You know, like, you're being dramatic. But I did have it. And I was like, I was right. Like, ha, like, in your face, everybody. Like, I knew I was right. Like, I know my own health. I know my own body. And so I was really glad that the doctor pulled me in privately because I didn't want to have that shared announcement in

front of my parents because I knew that once they found out, like, shit was going to hit the fan and it was going to be like this crazy, like, family trauma that was about to unfold. So I'm like, okay. And I think I have a picture of that x-ray somewhere, but I don't remember. But we go back into the room where my parents are. And he basically explains the same thing to them. And instantly, my mom is bawling. She's like crazy emotional.

My dad was a little bit more stoic about it, but he was still really torn up. like I'm his little girl. And we go home. They're just crying the whole car ride home. And then like after that, I just got thrown head first into the world of being a cancer patient. And so I got a biopsy done under my neck because another, like all your lymph nodes are like scattered throughout your body.

And I had tumors. They found out on both sides of my neck and under my armpits. So they're kind of like embedded in your skin. It's not like they're sticking out that much. But once they pull. pointed out, you're like, oh, yeah, I can kind of feel how like there's like a ball there. There's like something swollen there. And so I got a biopsy. They cut into my neck and took out part of my lymph node. And that's how they arrived at the official diagnosis of Hodgkin's lymphoma.

And I was at stage 2B, which I'm pretty sure is just like on the verge of being stage three. Like it had gotten pretty bad for a while. But it makes me think like how do people who have this not get diagnosed until stage four? Like it's crazy. Because like I was. already sick for so long. It felt like how long would it be until I was at like stage four or whatever. So that was interesting to me. But that surgery was really hard on me. That was my first time like going under anesthesia and it makes you really, really nauseous. And if you think about it, I was at my sickest point at this point because I hadn't gotten any treatment. So I was extremely weak and just like super sick already. And then to have like anesthesia and pain meds on top of that really like

threw me over the edge and I was just like so sick I couldn't do anything but just lay in bed all day. And then I had to get three more surgeries in that same month. So I had to get another biopsy, which was under twilight anesthesia. So it kind of feels like you're on like acid. It feels like you're on psychedelic drugs that you're like half awake, half asleep. And I was apparently saying like dumb shit to the doctors while it was going on. But they take a big needle and they like drill it into your kind of like your tailbone area to extract bone marrow. And that's to check if the cancer has spread to your bone marrow. And luckily mine didn't.

It hadn't progressed to that point yet, which is how I got like the stage two diagnosis. And I met all my doctors that day because the lung doctor was like a separate network. And then I got introduced to like the Lurie Children's Hospital people. And I was kind of like being a brat. I was like I don't want to go to the children's hospital. Like I'm almost 18. Like that's for like babies.

Like I don't want to be about around. a bunch of little kids, like going through chemo, like, that's really depressing. But once I met my team, they were like, like pediatric cancer nurses and doctors are literally angels on this earth. Like they are the kindest, most patient people you will ever meet. And they're so good at what they do. And I remember expressing to my nurse practitioner that I like didn't want to be in the pediatric unit because I was like almost 18.

And she's like, no, the adult unit's much more depressing. Like, trust me, this is where you want to be. And I'm really glad that I was because they had so many programs and like fun things like in the hospital. One time during chemo, I like woke up from a nap and there was a horse in my room. They would bring in like therapy animals and stuff. And there was literally a horse. They had plastic bags over its hooves, hooves, hoofs. I don't know how to say that.

But yeah, it was like super crazy stuff like that. And they just had like magicians come in and like play with the kids and they had a game room and like all this stuff. So it was really cute being in the pediatrics unit. And how long were you there for? So my treatment plan. So once I got my biopsies done, I had like the two biopsies, the neck one, the bone marrow one. And then I had an ovary removed just in case I like want kids one day because chemo can really damage your reproductive system. So that was like a, what's it called, like a preventative surgery.

and that same day I also got my chemo port inserted so that when you do go into chemo, they don't have to put like the IV in your arm because it can be really uncomfortable for long periods of time. So yeah, I got that inserted. And then I started chemo like a few weeks after that. And so I did five rounds of chemotherapy and each round would happen once a month. So for the first three days of your cycle, you stay in the hospital. So I was there for like three days a month. And then after the three days, you like go home for five days and then you come back on the eighth day of the cycle and then they give you your day eight chemo, which is like a really intense injection. And that's the one that usually like made me really, really sick and like put me back in the

hospital. So I was kind of like in and out throughout the month. Like I would be in for inpatient chemo, go home, come back, get one injection. And then it was always a gamble whether or not the next day I would get a fever. like, because you could get a really, really high fever from these chemo injections because your blood cell counts are like so low. Because chemo is basically like, like a perfect cure for cancer would be throwing a dart at a dartboard and it like landing on the target. But chemo just like sets the entire dartboard on fire. Like it just kills every cell in your body, which is why you lose your hair and you are nauseous all the time and you have low blood counts.

So I was kind of in and out each month. But the longest I stayed in the hospital was like seven days because I had an 106 fever and I had to get a bunch of blood transfusions and stuff like that. But yeah, so I met my team of doctors and then I was officially a cancer patient. And so I was really scared to start chemo because you don't hear good things about it ever. Like nobody's ever like, oh, it wasn't that bad. Like I knew it was going to be probably the hardest thing I ever went through. And I had to grow up really, really fast at this point. I was like, I remember telling David the guy that I like had a thing with.

And I was like, hey, this is kind of crazy. And he was like in Spain with his family at the time. I was like, I just got diagnosed with cancer. And he's like, are you joking? It was just like such a shocking thing to tell people. And that was another like point I wanted to touch on like how people reacted. So my mom and dad were obviously like hysterical about it. And instantly I kind of like didn't want everyone to freak out and didn't want.

everyone to feel bad for me because every time I would tell somebody, and this is kind of like a weird experience, I feel like people can relate to whether or not it's from cancer, like losing a loved one or something. When you tell people something traumatic that's happened to you, you almost on the flip side have to comfort them through it. Like I would tell people that, like my best friend was super supportive. She was like my rock through the whole thing. And I love her so much for supporting me the way she did. But with some of my other friends that I wasn't that close with, I would like tell them what happened and tell them the situation. And I would almost have to be the one comforting them. Like people don't really know how to react when you tell

them you have cancer and you're like a teenager. Like teenagers are dumb and immature and they don't know how to like react to it. And you could tell which people were like uncomfortable by it and which people were trying to overcompensate with like, I'm here if you need to talk. And it would be people that I haven't even hung out within years, like, reaching out to me being like, I'm here if you need anything. And it's like, girl, why would I talk to you? Like, we don't even hang out anymore. Like, why would I, like, tell you my deepest, like, thoughts right now?

And you could also, like, tell which people's moms force them to send me a card in the mail. And, like, it was just really like, okay, like, I'm not trying to sound like bratty. Like, I understand people want to show their support and stuff. But it gets old when there's, like, a hundred different people telling you. the same exact thing. Like every single person, if I'm here if you need anything, if you need to talk. And it's like, okay, I have a hundred people now. I can have an option due to talk to about this, I guess. But some people were really vocal in asking me questions about it. And then others, you could tell they didn't want to bring it up. They didn't want to make me upset. But I, like, wanted to talk about it.

You know, I was like not really shy about the experience. I wanted people to ask me about it because otherwise it felt like people didn't really care. And it was just like a really weird social situation to be in as like a senior in high school. But yeah, I learned I coped with humor really fast and that was something my group of friends senior year of high school like helped me with. They would make like bald jokes all the time and call me like Cayu or Heisenberg from like Breaking Bad or whatever because Breaking Bad is my favorite show. But the worst part was just like feeling pitied by everybody. Everyone starts seeing you as the girl who has cancer. Like, that's what I was known for now, like in the high school. And that's like a really uncomfortable

position to be in. I was never a super popular person. And suddenly I felt like all the attention was on me. And, you know, everyone's like walking on eggshells around me, not treating me how they normally would. suddenly everyone was super nice to me. Not that I was like bullied or anything, but I felt like maybe I was kind of an annoying person in high school. I don't know, who cares? Like, I don't know how I was socially perceived, but suddenly everyone was super nice to me and wanted to like ask me how I was doing. And you could just tell it was just fake and kind of out of like their own discomfort on the situation. Everyone was constantly telling me how tough I was and how strong I was. and how I seemed to be handling things so well.

But that was misleading because I might have appeared that way on the outside, but on the inside I didn't feel that way at all. I felt like a fake. Like I felt like I wasn't a real cancer patient because I wasn't feeling these like things. Like, oh, I'm this like tough warrior. Like I'm going to tough it out and be brave. Like I just felt like me. Like I just felt normal.

And it was really interesting to hear people kind of form this perception of me that I didn't really believe myself. myself and I was stuck in between wanting to hide it and like not post about it. I like begged my mom. I'm like, please don't make some cheesy Facebook post all the time. And she did anyway. And my mom and I's relationship really suffered during while I was sick because she wanted to smother me with attention and be there for me and like be my shoulder to cry on. But I was kind of more in the mindset of I just want to do this alone. Like I don't want all this like circus going on around me. I don't want people making t-shirts for me and throwing fundraisers. Like, I just, like, don't want

all of that. I just want to be normal. And so I was stuck between, like, wanting to hide it and then wanting to scream it from the rooftops and be like, please, somebody support me. Somebody listen to me. Like, let me be sad. But everyone wanted me to be the tough girl. Because I always was the tough girl. I've always had, like, a stubborn, defiant streak in me. And I think people, like, they got what they expected. You know, I always had a smile on my face. I never really cried that much. The first time I cried was just because I knew I was going to have to lose my hair. I was like really breaking down about that because with my history of insecurity and not feeling beautiful and not feeling good about myself and my body, the last thing I wanted to do, I felt like I had made so much progress with my appearance

because of how much weight I lost, even though the weight I lost was because I was sick and dying, but I liked it because I was finally skinny and I didn't have to do anything to try. It just happened all on its own. And I finally had like long hair and like I just finally felt good about my appearance even though I was dying. But I was like, fuck, now I have to lose my hair and start from square one. And I was like, I'm going to have to go to senior prom bald. Like that fucking sucks. Like I always had this dream of like my prom look and this and that and it was all out the window. And looking back, that's so sad because, like, who cares what you look like at prom when you have much bigger battles to face?

But I was 17. Like, I wanted to look cute at prom. Like, what can I say? No, and I think that's normal too. Yeah, definitely normal. And I feel like as women, our hair means a lot to us. Like, it's a big part of identity. And to lose it, it's like, well, who am I now?

Like, I'm not, you don't feel like yourself. Your hair is like a safety blanket and, like, suddenly not having it. it feels very jarring. Yeah. You're not used to how you look and how you feel about yourself. And how long did it take for your hair to fall out? So, yeah. So I started my first round of chemo.

And I think it was like three weeks after that. Like it was kind of a slow, a slow build with like the hair loss. Like the first couple weeks after my first round of treatment, nothing happened. And then one day I was just in the shower and I was washing my hair. then it literally just all fell out, like all at once. It was kind of crazy. Like I got out of the shower and like half my hair was gone. And it felt really gross. Like it felt like a dead Christmas tree. Like you would like move and like all the pine needles fall out. And I was like, oh, like I got to get this off me. I didn't want to shave my head. A lot of cancer patients shave their head before they

even start chemo as like a power move. But I was like, no, I'm just going to like cherish it as long as it lasts. But after that shower, I was like, this is nasty. Like, it's just falling out everywhere. It's all over my bed. Like, I need to get rid of this. So my best friend came over and she shaved my head. And there's like this video I have of me going through all the different hair styles. Because my hair was like past my boobs at this point. Like it was really long. And we, we tried like every different hairstyle on me. We did like a bob. Then we did a bob with bangs. Then we did the like pixie cut. And then I ended with a buzz cut. And surprisingly, like the buzz cut era was one of my favorites. Like I felt so like, I don't know, just like high fashion. And like it was kind of a look. Like not going to lie,

I would do the buzz cut again if I knew if I could like switch back to having long hair the next day. But I couldn't commit to it. But yeah. So my first round of chemo is definitely the hardest. I didn't know what to expect. And every cancer patient has like a cocktail of medications that they'll infuse within you. So I think I had like six or seven. different infusions. And you do them all back to back the same day. But there's this one called the Red Devil. Like it's called Doxorubicin or something like that. But it's, it's nicknamed the red devil because it's like a really, really toxic medication that can do severe damage to your heart. And the nurse had to wear a freaking like hazmat suit to like administer it. Like it was

so toxic that they had to put like a plastic bag over the IV machine. And I'm, I was like, what is being put into me in your body? Yeah, exactly. And then like years later, you hear everyone like freaking out over like getting the COVID shot. And I'm like, you don't even know the shit that has been like pumped into me. Like calm down. Like it can't be worse than that. And it would just like, chemo was really weird. Certain foods start to disgust you. They say like, don't eat your favorite foods during chemo because you won't be able to eat them for years. And I was like, I'm not going to take that seriously. So I would eat like raviolis and Doritos and cheeseburgers and all these like yummy foods.

And then I couldn't eat ravioli or cheeseburgers for like four years. Like it was just so, I don't know, like the brain chemistry like changed around those foods. And I just couldn't do it. And I was also on 14 different pills. Like I had to take a whole Dixie cup full of pills every morning. And part of my treatment plan was steroids. And a lot of people lose weight during chemotherapy. but not every cancer patient gets put on steroids, but steroids were part of my treatment plan,

I think partially because I was so underweight. And so then I had royd rage on top of that. Like I was so pissed off all the time. I was finally hungry after like two years. Like my appetite came back and it came back tenfold. Like I would eat an entire tub of dark chocolate almonds, an entire bag of like family size chips or cereal. Like I could not stop eating.

And so I started gaining a lot of weight back. and that really, it was messing with me mentally, like more than anybody could know because I could not physically control the urge to eat while I was on these medications. And so I just started gaining all the weight back that I lost plus more. And I was now at like my heaviest weight I'd ever been, like at the end of chemo. Was the chemo painful at all? Yeah, like it's, you don't, it feels really weird to have something like being infused into you. Like you can almost kind of like feel it like taking over your system. And the thing I was most afraid of is the nausea because I hate throwing up. Like, whenever I feel sick, I'm like, oh, I don't want this to happen. Like, this is horrible.

Unless I'm like, drunk because then I like don't even know what's going on. But like I, like, I'm afraid of throwing up. And so I was just terrified, like, waiting for that to happen. And they have you on counteracting medications. So it wasn't necessarily painful because I was on pain medications, anti-nazia medications. I was like low-key, like smoking weed on the low. And like my friend's garage is like trying to like do some pain management because it was 2017 in Illinois. I don't think it was legal yet like recreationally. And medically, I think I was since I was still a minor at this time, I couldn't like get access to medical marijuana. But I had my ways of like accessing it, you know. But yeah, I was on like so many different counteracting medications on top

the chemo that it kind of like equals out like you don't feel a lot of nausea or pain but you could just feel like the battle going on inside your body like you want to throw up but then like the medication kicks in and you're like uh like you almost like want to get it out of you but it's not letting you and there was like pain that was managed by like really hard like narcotic pain medications and I was always struggling to like not become addicted to those because it would just like make me feel like a zombie like you would like you would would take one of these pills and fall asleep for like 20 hours. Like it was super intense. And I was always worried about taking those because I'm like, I don't want to get like addicted to drugs like on

accident. So there was a lot of different emotions and like physical feelings that were going on. But I wouldn't say it was painful. It was more just like icky. Like you just constantly felt icky. And I couldn't really eat a lot during chemo. And then when the steroids would kick in, I felt like so super hungry, but I still couldn't like eat. Like, like, what I wanted to eat because everything just tasted bad. And it would make my pee like neon pink, like the chemo. Like it was just like so you just feel like a lab rat. Like you're artificially alive. You're like plugged up to this machine. You can't like go to the bathroom without like dragging the machine with you. And I'm like, what the hell is my life right now? Like last year I was like

16 getting my driver's license, having my first kiss like going to homecoming and then, you know, fast forward a year. And I'm like dying in the. hospital and all my friends are off hanging out, going to get food, having a fun Friday night, and I'm here. And that's when you start having those mental breakdowns. And I mentioned that, like, sometimes I would get admitted to the ER because my fevers were so high. So that's because, like, every time you get that last chemo injection, it kind of like sends you over the edge. And the first time I did chemo, I got sent to the ER. And that was the longest day I ever had. But this is kind of the moment where I like built my mind of steel and I was like I'm not going to let this hurt me anymore

like I can do this because I got sent there. I think I was in the hospital like quarantine for about six days because the reason you go is because you have no white blood cells and your body is physically incapable of fighting off any infections. So you kind of have to be quarantined and you have to wear a mask and you have to stay alone because if you go out into the general public and you catch something, like, it could be really, really bad. Like, you could get any sort of infection that usually your body's able to just fight off, but I couldn't. And, like, I think around day three or four out of that stay, I just, like, was looking at myself in the mirror with my little, like, IV machine, and I was like, this fucking sucks. Like, I don't want to be, I don't want to do this anymore.

And I started thinking about how even if I get better this time, what if I just relapse in a couple years and I have to start all over again and do this all over again. And that thought like really fucked me up. I was like, I think I would rather die than do chemo again because it's so hard. It's so gross and just you just feel you just feel like you're not even alive like while you're on chemo. It's so intense. And I've never in my life experienced anything more just like it wasn't painful in that sense, but it was painful just like going through the experience. of chemo because it's just so dreadful. There's nothing worse than chemo. And so I was just really starting to feel resentful towards like my life. I was really struggling with religion at this point.

I was raised Catholic, but I was never really like that religious. Like I wasn't really into it. But this is around the time where I was like, if I hear one more person tell me that they're sending prayers my way, like I'm going to lose it. Like I don't want to hear about God and Jesus right now. Like my doctors are the ones that are helping me, not Jesus, clearly. And I was just like really like spiraling like existentially like that. I didn't know if I believed in God anymore. And I was just like, why me? And that's something that a lot of cancer patients and chronic illness patients fall into, that why me mindset? Because it's like, why did I have to be the person that goes through this? Like, there's statistics, like one in 45 people will get diagnosed with childhood cancer. But

why am I the one? Like, what, what about me? And you start thinking all those thoughts, but I learned like later in life that there is no reason why. It just, it just happens. Like, shit just happens. And you just got to deal with it as it goes. But I had like the biggest mental breakdown on my life during that hospital stay. I just didn't. I was like, if I ever relapse, like, I'm just going to let myself die. I don't want to do chemo again. Now my answer would be different. I would do treatment again and I would fight through it. But one of my nurses came in and I was like sobbing. in the bed because I was missing a marching man competition the same time I was like staying in the hospital.

And I think I saw like my friends posting Snapchat stories and they were having a fun time. And I was just like here like just in the hospital, like can't even go outside into the hallway because I'm at such a risk of like catching an infection. I'm getting somebody else's blood pumped into me. And I'm just like, this is so terrible. Like I don't want to be alive right now.

My nurse came in and she gave me like such a good pep talk. She's like such an angel. She would bring me Dunkin while I was like staying in the hospital and stuff and get me my ice coffee. And she was like, you know, like I expected you to break down at some point because you've put on such a brave face. You've been smiling. You've been laughing.

You seem to be feeling pretty good. But I knew like at some point you would break. And that was my breaking point. And I kind of like let all the tears go that I had been holding in because the only other time I'd cried so far was about losing my hair. And once that was over, it was like, felt kind of cute with the buzz cut. So I just moved on. But this was like the break mentally.

And then from there, I felt a lot more like, okay, like I'm going to do this. I have four more rounds to go. And then I have radiation. And then it's all done. And I knew like by the end of 2017, I would be done. And I just like kept like thinking forward and trying not to get stuck in that like, why me feeling a lot. my first round of chemo, I also met this girl, Megan.

And unfortunately, she's no longer with us, but she was my first, like, cancer patient friend. And she was, I think, two years younger than me. But talking to her really changed my mindset as well because it made me feel so dumb for being like, I don't want to do this anymore. I would never do chemo again if I relapsed because she was like 15 and it already relapsed two or three times. and she had a super, super aggressive cancer called rhabdomio sarcoma, and it's like a bone and connective tissue cancer. And it's really, really hard to treat, and usually it's terminal.

And so she passed away in 2022, and I definitely feel a lot of survivors guilt, especially around her. And there's been other teen girl cancer patients that I've followed on Instagram through the years and some of them are not with us anymore. And that makes me feel really bad forever being like, I'm going to give up. Like, I don't want to do this. I'd rather die than do chemo because those girls like fought with everything they had and they did it over and over and over again until their last day. And Megan was really like an advocate for cancer research too. They have a whole foundation for her now called Megan's Mission and my family donates to it every year. And yeah, it's just, it's really

surreal, like having met her in the hospital and we're both like attached to our little machines and we're just chatting about like life and she's telling me her story. And it's just like, it's so sad looking back thinking like I was going to give up when this girl's like done so much. Like I'm not strong at all. Like she's strong. And that's when I kind of was. like I need to get my shit together. Like if this girl can go through that, then I can do this. Because Hodgkin's lymphoma is known as like the good cancer because it's like so treatable. But here I am meeting these girls who have like these aggressive like cancers that just keep relapsing over and over and over again.

And I'm like, I feel like such a weakling compared to that. I'm like I need to tough it up because it could be so much worse. And you definitely feel that like survivor's guilt. Like why did she have to go? and I get to stay. But you can't let yourself go down those rabbit holes because really there's no reason. Just shit happens and everyone has their own destiny and their own fate. And you can't get stuck thinking like you're special or that you're like disliked by the universe

for like whatever circumstances are put on you. You kind of just have to take it as it comes and just go for it. And so five rounds of chemo, I was done. I think I had like three ER stays throughout that, which, was always the hardest part because I had to be, like, isolated. My mom and I's relationship was, like, falling apart at this point because I was just pushing her away. And I, I don't hold any anger towards her now. We're really close now and everything's good. But at the time, it was like, she was being really overbearing and overprotective of me. I was still trying to have a normal senior

year and, like, participate in band when I could. I was going to school half time. So I would just go for, like, math and English and band. And then I would go home before lunchtime. So I only went to for like two hours a day. And this was all during the fall, like semester of school. So it wasn't even Christmas time yet. But we were just like fighting all the time because if my friends went out to dinner and they invited me, I would go with even though my mom was like, you better stay home. Like I don't want you out in these like gross restaurants. Like you could catch something. You could put yourself in the hospital. And she would also ask the doctors. Like I just wanted to go to my doctor's appointments alone at this point because my mom's anxiety and stress was like

passing down onto me. She would say stuff to the doctor right in front of me like, you're going to cure her, right? And I would be like, oh my God, stop. Like you're like, they can't tell you yes or no to that question. Like it just, she didn't understand that that was really like adding to my stress. And I was trying to just like be calm and like remain calm and be stoic through the experience, but she was more of like the wear her heart on her sleeve. She's crying every day. She's like posting about it on Facebook. She's doing it one way and I'm going through it another way. And our relationship just really suffered during this time. And we're better now, and I don't hold any like anger towards her anymore. But it was just like really overbearing at the

time to have people constantly trying to smother you with like attention and care when you kind of just wanted to be alone. Like, I just wanted to, like, watch Netflix and, like, be left alone in my hospital room. I didn't, my mom was just, like, sitting there in the corner, like, are you okay? Are you okay? And I'm like, yes, mom, I'm okay. Like, please just leave me alone. It was just really, like, overwhelming.

But I finished the chemo, and then I took, like, a month break and then started radiation. And the radiation was only on my chest because that's, like, where the biggest tumor was. And they just wanted to, like, zap it out of existence for good. And I think by the end of my third chemo round, like there was already no, like all the tumors had already shrunk and were like gone, but they just give you those extra rounds because it's just part of the treatment plan. So I don't even think, I think like by round three, I was already like cured, but like not really because I still had treatment to do. So I got proton radiation, which is a newer form of radiation that's more safe. And I feel really thankful to be living in the time of like more modern medicine because. getting exposed to direct radiation is obviously really dangerous and it could cause cancer.

And it's crazy that like the thing that can cause cancer can also cure it. So yeah, it's just like interesting science-wise. But radiation was two weeks straight. You go every single day. So I would just drive there after school, get my radiation. It took like 30 minutes. And it's it's really high tech. Like they put this like plastic mold over your face.

I actually have like four little tattooed dots because they have to be. be so precise to where they line you up with the machine that they just tattoo you because it's easier than like there could if there's like one millimeter of like variation like it could be bad. So yeah, I went for two weeks and on my last appointment I walked in and they had like hung up like congrats stuff like in my dressing room and I was like oh my God, that's so sweet. Like I didn't really think anyone knew it was like my last day. but I had brought with Kalin, my best friend and David, the guy that I was like having a thing with through all this. And by the way, about that, like, I clung on to this guy for dear life because he was like one of my closest friends.

And even though he had treated me super shitty the year before, like when we had a thing and then he was with somebody else and we reconnected. But like having like a romance going on during all of that was like I clung on to that so hard. because like it was the one sense of normalcy I had in my life at the time. Like I was still getting something to look forward to. I was still looking at my phone to see if he had texted me. And like I finally had the guy that I wanted so bad, but not really because we weren't even actually dating. And he was off at college doing Lord knows what. Like we weren't.

We didn't have a title or anything. But I just like, he meant so much to me. And I don't think he realized like how important he was to my story. and like we don't talk anymore obviously but like he was with me through the whole thing it's it's really crazy to think about and like he was not a nice person to me whatsoever like he would be like hooking up with other girls at college and I was over here like literally in love with him like clinging on to him and the little situation ship we had for dear life because it was the only thing that was making me feel normal and I literally brought him with to my last appointment

And I came out of the room crying because I was like finally letting go of all that emotion I had been holding in. And I was like, I'm done. And this was December 22nd, 2017. That's like my official day. And I came out of the room crying and I went and hugged him first. And I remember my dad was really pissed off that I hugged him before my dad. And I was like, it's not that deep dad. Like you don't need to look and do it, like read into it that much.

But they didn't like him because they knew he had like hurt. my feelings the year before. And I remember my dad being like, I'm going to get my shotgun and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you don't even own a shotgun. Like, shut up. Just like dad stuff, like whatever. But he didn't like the guy. And so he was really hurt that I like hugged him before my dad. But that's like besides the point. But yeah, he like came with me to my appointments and was with me through the whole thing. And yeah, it was just like really crazy. So that was it for like the treatment portion and then post-treatment, like transitioning from patient to survivor, this is the part of my story that's actually like the hardest. Like the treatment, you got people taking care of you 24-7.

The doctors are just doing things to you. You don't have to like try. You just sit there. They poke you with the needles. They give you the medications. You show up for chemo and like you just go home. Like you don't have to put any thought into it. And the world and life is kind of on hold for you while you have cancer. Like I was in school half time. I was, you know, not getting as heavy of a home workload from teachers. They were understanding with me about like late work and stuff like that. I was just trying to get through it.

But then post-treatment, that was the hardest part. Like I suddenly was thrown back into like the rat race of life. And society in the traditional timeline, they want you to get over it quickly. They want you to get back on top of things. and, you know, get back into taking, I went back to school full time and that was really hard because for so long I had been going like for like two hours a day. Suddenly I had to do fucking gym class again. And I was like, I feel like I'm on a different wavelength than everyone around me.

The last year of my childhood was spent battling cancer. And so I was now in like this weird adult mindset when everyone else around me just seemed so like immature and like I felt like no one understood the true meaning of life and I just felt super, I don't know, introspective around this time and I just was not on the same wavelength as my peers. And so it was hard for me to blend back into that like high school life. And it was my last semester of senior year. So I felt this pressure to like make it like memorable and like try to be happy and da da da da da da. But it ended up being like the hardest year of my entire life because suddenly I felt like I needed to catch up. And I immediately went out and got a job because I liked

working. I was like very into like having my own money and saving money. And then I had to fill out the stupid common app for college. And I was like sitting there on my computer like, okay, at least I have an essay topic. Like at least I could write about having cancer and I'll get any college I want. But I was just like so I just did not care at all. I applied to UIC, which is like the school that is like 30 minutes from my house, University of Illinois, Chicago. And I was like, I'm just going to go here because I don't even care about like visiting colleges. I don't even care about picking a major. I don't know how I'm supposed to like pretend that everything's fine right now. Yeah. I should have been in therapy, but I still have never gone to therapy. I don't know why.

I'm probably like a hot mess. Like a therapist would be afraid of me. But like I should have been in therapy, but I was like, I'm fine because now I was obsessed with like embodying this image of the tough girl, the strong, like brave person who put on such a brave face and was smiling through the whole experience. But really, I was so broken inside and I didn't even realize how broken I was from the whole thing. Like, um, so yeah, I went out and got a job.

And like I said, part of my tree. plan was the steroids. And so I gained like 40 pounds. And if you could guess what happened, I was like, okay, I immediately need to start losing weight because I was still so obsessed with being skinny. And I felt all this pressure to be productive again. But I think I was just distracting myself from like processing what had just happened to me. And so yeah, I was just like working, working out seven days a week, just avoiding having to heal and process everything. I was on anxiety. medication still because that was like also part of my treatment plan. It helped like treat nausea. But I had so many pills just like accessible to me, pain medications, anxiety medications.

And I was still just like popping pills all the time, even though I didn't need them anymore just to like dull the anxiety and stuff. But I was like, I've done enough resting. I want to be busy again. I want to have a normal routine again. So I just went full send and it wasn't good for me. And so since I had gained that 40 pounds, the first thing on my mind was losing weight. And this is like the most vulnerable thing I'll say. But I started starving myself and like working out constantly. And I just got a snap memory the other day of like my food journal. And it was like lunch, one hard boiled egg, four carrot sticks, four almonds.

And then it was like calorie total today, like 600 calories. and I was like, oh my God, like Olivia, like why? My body had just been through so much, yet the only thing I cared about was like losing weight. And this was the time when my body needed nutrients, it needed nourishment, it needed rest, it needed to like get out of survival mode and just be and just heal. But I was like, nope, time to go, run five miles a day, lift weights for an hour, not eat anything. and I was just like so obsessed with getting back to normal and getting back to that place I was when I was still sick.

Like I was at my sickest when I was at my thinnest. But I didn't care. I was like, I want to get there again because I actually liked the way I looked for once in my fucking life. And it's like how could I be so hard on myself after everything I just went through? Like why is being thin so important to me right now? And there was just such this false sense of urgency. Like I had my whole life.

I was about to go off to college. I could have just taken my time, like, building healthy habits. Like, I should be eating healthy and everything. There's nothing wrong with that. But there's a difference between eating healthy and not eating enough, you know? So there was just that false sense of urgency. Like, I need to do this now. Like, I was just, like, freaking out because I felt like I had to get back on track.

And things with David were getting rocky because we got in, like, this argument. And he basically said, like, I had real feelings for him, basically. He was my first love, but he didn't want to put a label on things. So we were always getting in like little arguments because I would find out that he did something with some girl at college and I would inevitably be like really sad about it. But I was insecure and I was like, he's all I'm going to get in life. Like no other guy's ever going to want me because I was like the cancer girl. And I thought he was the only chance I had in life to have someone.

So I was like, I'll take what I can get even though this guy treats me like shit. and he didn't want to be together for real. And he took me to my prom and he was just like such an asshole. Like he didn't want to dance with me. He was just being like, like I just felt like I burdened him by asking him to take me to prom. And he like hooked up with a girl the week before and I found out. And I was like, why did you have to tell me that? Like I know we're not official, but like you're about to take me to my senior prom.

Like you could have kept that to yourself. So the whole time we're at prom together, I'm just thinking like, this dude does not love me, but I'm just going to like accept it because he's all I'm going to get. And like I just feel like I was just at such a low point. I wasn't eating. I was like really struggling with my eating disorder at this point. I would like throw up my food sometimes if I felt like I ate too much. And I think the worst part is on top of that. I had extreme anxiety about relapsing. So like you're kind of in the danger zone or like the high monitoring zone for the first two years after you finished treatment. So I was still going to monthly doctor's appointments to get blood drawn and

like make sure everything was good. And so every month leading up to that appointment, it was like heart racing, like stomach dropping. And since it's every month, it's like, okay, this month's good, but like in a few weeks, what if they find something? And then you just like keep going and going and going and the anxiety never really dulls because you have such frequent appointments. And it just felt like walking on thin ice, like every time something would happen. Like, if I would get like an itch or like a stomach pain or like a headache, it was instantly like, I have cancer again. Like, everything was cancer to me. Like even just like a runny nose. I was like, oh my God, I'm sick again. Like I'm going to have to start all over. So I was just super, super anxious all the time,

breaking down all the time. I cried more in that year after treatment than I ever did during treatment. I struggled with my body image more the year after treatment than I ever did during. And like, I just ignored everything while I was going through treatment and everyone took care of me. But now it was like all up to me to like fit back into society. And really I should have taken like a gap year or something and just like calm down. I should have gone to therapy. There's so many things I could have done to like heal me better from the experience. But I was just like, nope, I got to get back on track.

And the timing was almost like too perfect. because I finished treatment right around Christmas and then still had the second half of my senior year to like catch up, like apply to college, like do whatever. But I was just like didn't know how to let go. I didn't know what my identity was anymore because there's like that one famous TED talk where the ladies like define your experience. Don't let your experience define you. But that also put pressure on me to feel like I needed to get over it and that I couldn't use. the cancer card anymore for anything. Like everyone's super nice to you, but then once you're better, it's like you have to be treated like a normal person again. And I didn't know how to be normal.

And I was afraid of everything. I hated myself. And I just didn't know how I should feel about my own experience. Like I was like, am I supposed to move on or should I keep thinking about this every single day? Should I keep being sad about what happened to me? Like, I just didn't know what to feel. and I felt like I needed guidance but didn't know who I could even relate to to get that guidance. So it was just like a really, really hard time. And then that summer, I hung out with David like every day. He was home from college and we had like this summer romance again because he wasn't at school. Like I was the only girl in the hometown.

He was like, you know, hanging out with or whatever. And at the end of the summer, I told him that I loved him. and he said it back, but then it just didn't seem genuine because we still weren't like an official couple or anything. So then I go off to college and a few weeks into my first semester, or maybe like a month or something, he comes and visits me for the weekend and we're in the train station. I'm seeing him off. And I tell him, I love him again, but this time he just doesn't say anything. And he just gets on the train. And I'm like, what? And it took me a second to be like, wait, but you said it back a month ago.

Like, what, what changed? So I call him like the next day and I get into an argument with him. And this ended up being when I like dumped him, even though we weren't official, but like, whatever. So I call him and I'm like, how could you not say it back? Like, that's so mean. Like, did you fall out of love with me within three weeks? Like, what's going on? He's like, I just said it to not make you feel bad.

like I didn't want to make you feel bad. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, I only have stayed so close with you because you were sick and I felt bad. And I was like, dude, what the fuck? Like, just be real with me. Like, I didn't want you to like, he was my lifeline during my treatment. He was the only thing that made me feel normal and happy. And like, I was still like having that teenage girl romance while going through cancer.

And like, just to learn that it was all just because he. pitied me. That was really just heartbreaking beyond belief. Like I didn't know what to do with myself. I cried for like four days straight and ditched class and I couldn't sleep. And I was just going through like the worst heartbreak of my life. And when I started college, I was not your typical college student. Most, most kids are looking forward to being away from their parents so they can go party and drink and like have all these fun experiences. But instead, there was me in the gym. And seven days a week, only eating kale salads from the student cafeteria, not drinking, not smoking, not doing anything bad. I wasn't even eating sugar because I was so afraid of anything giving

me cancer again. And I was just like trying to catch up in school. I was being a good student academically, but like when it comes to like social stuff, drinking, partying, I was not wanting to participate in any of that. And I was like all these people, I resent them because they're able to go off and have fun and drink and not have to worry about if it's going to give them cancer again. And so I was just super, super uptight and in this really dark place. And I wasn't having a fun time. Like I was doing well in school, but nothing was fun to me anymore in life. I just was afraid, like all the time. I never even got any takeout food. I was living in downtown Chicago. and there's so many good restaurants around and I was like, no, I'm just going to like keep

eating my little kale salad from the student cafeteria so I don't get cancer. I was like, Panda Express, that's going to give me cancer. Like tacos, that's going to give me cancer. Anything remotely unhealthy was like, no, not having any of that. And so I ended things with the David guy. We stopped talking. And then the same weekend, I was sitting in the cafeteria and this guy, comes and sits across from me and just like stares at me. And he's like kind of has this like goofy smile on his face. And I take my headphone out. I'm like, who are you? And he's like, oh, I know you from elementary school. And I'm like, who like, I don't know you. Like what's my name if you know me? And he's like, you're Olivia. And he's like, I'm two years older than you. That like we weren't in

the same grade. And that's what I met like the love of my life. Like that was Eric. He's still my boyfriend to this day. Our five year anniversary is coming up. But him like meeting him i i look back now and i realize he was like my guardian angel like he brought me back to life so much i was in like the darkest place i've ever been and um we started hanging out and he was just so just like my prince charming he didn't go too fast with me like we were just friends for three months before we ever even admitted we had feelings for each other and um we started hanging out a lot and he's like, I want to take you to this cool restaurant. And I'm like, sorry, I don't eat takeout food.

And he's like, what? He's like, so I can't even take you on a date? Like, what is wrong with you? And I like told him my whole story, obviously pretty soon after meeting him because I had like a pixie cut. And, you know, my hair was growing back. And the first thing was like, oh, I like your hair. Like, and he said he would like notice me on campus because I had cool hair and that I always wore like a bandana because I would like wear like hats and bandanas a lot to like,

accessorize my short hair. And he's like, yeah, I saw you around and I've been like waiting for the opportunity to come up to you because I think I like recognized you from when we were kids and stuff. So we find out we're like neighbors, which was crazy. It was just such like fate like when we met. We live about two minutes away from each other in our hometown, but we didn't meet until college. But he really brought me back to life. He helped me let go of that fear of eating certain things. then we fell in love and we've been together ever since. And I have traveled all over the United States with him. We've gone to Colorado like six times. We learned how to snowboard together. Just like fun stuff. Like we are just like meant to be. And I just love him so much. Like I just

sound like so cheesy talking about him. But meeting him genuinely saved my life because I don't know how I would have gotten out of that place of starving myself and being so afraid of just living all the time if he hadn't like pulled me out of that hole I was in. And then I gained like 20 pounds, but I was like confident in myself. And I just finally felt happy again. And so through college, kind of like pushed everything off. Like I didn't feel the need to process or heal what I had been through as much because I was in love and like I feel like love just heals everything and makes you so happy and you're just kind of blind to like anything negative. And so those were like my discovery years, like rediscovering who I was, learning what I loved.

And I just wanted to keep traveling and just experiencing anything that made me feel alive. And another thing that Eric introduced me to was martial arts. And this is kind of like where I am today. So obviously, like I've been through a lot physically. And there were points when I was sick where like I couldn't walk. Like I was just so weak. I couldn't even do anything. I was just bedridden all the time.

And so I had kind of this transformation from like cancer patient to athlete. And it really helped me heal from a lot of the things I went through physically because cancer survivors are at risk of like developing cancer again or developing heart disease or osteoporosis or all these different things that can be side effects of your cancer treatment. So you kind of have to take things into your own hand and push yourself to get back on track health-wise. And so Eric would watch like the UFC fights a lot. And I saw these two girls like beating the shit out of each other. Like her head was split open.

She's gushing blood. I'm like, oh my God. Like this is disturbing. I can't watch this. But then I was like thinking about it for a week and I'm like, I feel like I could fight somebody. Like I'm tough. Like I've been through so much.

Like I want to try to do this. And so Eric was like, you should take a martial arts class because I think he had gone to like a jujitsu trial class the year before and he said it was a really cool experience and stuff. And I was like, yeah, I want to become a fighter because everybody would always tell me, you're so tough, you're so strong, you're a warrior. And I was like, shut up. Like, I don't believe that about myself. And so I was like embodying this fake image that people had of me, but I wanted to create her like out of my own two hands. And so I was like, instead of just, listening to everybody call me tough and strong and brave, I'm going to actually become that.

And to me, that was through fighting. And so I signed up for a moitai class. And moitai is my love and my passion right now. And I expect it to be for a very long time. I'm doing my first fight in April. I'm actually going to go to Delaware. So I'll be back on the East Coast pretty soon. But yeah, so I took moitai classes and I was at this little gym at first. It was a good place. to start. And then after a year and a half of doing those, I went to this gym and shout out to everyone at Team Toro. I love you guys. But it was like the most humbling experience of my entire life. I get in there thinking I'm this like tough girl who's like been through so much and I'm going to thrive and like I'm going to be like the top bitch in this class. And then I got humbled so hard.

I cried in my car on the way home. Like 500 kicks was the warm up. This, this girl need me in the gut. And I was like made like the most stupid sound. I was like, ugh. Like I like groaned. And I was like, oh my God, this is awful. But it really like challenged me.

And I was like, this is exactly what I need. Like I need this discipline in my life and this kind of like comeback story. And so I've just been really into Muay Thai lately. And I train like six days a week. And I'm hoping to compete soon. I am competing soon. I already paid for like the flight and the red. registration and everything. But to me, fighting is like a metaphor for all the challenges that I've

overcame because you're not going to come out unscathed when you're fighting. You're going to get some bruises. You could break a bone. You could get a concussion. But to me, it's like I've already been through so much physically. How could this hurt me? So I feel like I already don't really have that fear of like what's the worst thing that can happen. It's like I know I could break my nose. I know I could get hurt doing this. But I'm going to feel so fulfilled afterwards that like I achieved my goal. And I've never worked harder for something in my entire life. The two hardest things I've ever been through in life is cancer and just training in Muay Thai. Like it is so incredibly hard of a sport. I used to only be able to run like three miles now this more.

I ran eight miles on the treadmill at the hotel because that's like part of our training regimen. And I'm just pushing myself to limits physically and mentally that I never thought I could. And you realize that like I was never tough during cancer. Everyone just coddled me and took care of me and I was able to pull the cancer card for everything. But in Muay, I have to like actually be tough. I couldn't talk the talk, but can I walk the walk? I don't know. We'll find out if I win or not.

But like having somebody push you and be like, you don't get to use the cancer card in Muay Thai. Like you have to prove yourself that you actually are tough enough to fight and tough enough to spar and like prove yourself that way. So it's been a really like, is the word cathartic experience? Like when something's like, yeah, cathartic experience for me because yeah, I've just been through so much like physical pain, but it kind of comforts me at that point. Like now I'm addicted to the feeling of overcoming.

challenges and of being tough and strong and like proving that to myself and creating like a new story for myself instead of always having to identify with just being a cancer survivor. Like now I'm a fighter. Now I feel like a real fighter even though so many people have called me a fighter but I never felt like one. But now I actually am one so it's cool. Yeah. That's amazing. Do you have to still go to appointments to kind of check to make sure everything's fine? Yeah. So now I go once a year. started as once a month, but then it was like once every six months. And then after three years, it was only once a year. So I actually just went last month. And my nurse practitioner was like so

impressed with me. I told her I was going on a podcast to talk about my experience. And she's like, oh, you have to send me it. Oh my God. And I found out like everything's like perfect. Like my heart health is better than the average person's now. Like my blood counts are good. My vitamin D is good. like everything checks out. And now instead of feeling anxious for those appointments, I kind of look forward to it because I know how much hard work I've put in to like getting my health back on track, especially with Muay the past. I think I've been training almost three years now. But like I know how much that has progressed my health and gotten me back into a place where I'm not only healthy and cured from the cancer, but I'm in the best shape of my life and I'm healthier than I've ever been because. that hard experience of going through cancer made me never want to take my health for granted again,

granted again. Like now I'm very serious about like taking my vitamins, keeping in check with my health, like doing like breast exams, like making sure everything's okay because it truly can happen to anybody. Like there was nothing I did wrong that caused me to have cancer. And a lot of people think that, oh, if you eat too much sugar or if you smoke cigarettes, like, yes, those can cause like other forms of cancer, but the type I had was purely genetic. Like it was just like a glitch in my genetic coding. And it happened to be me. And like there was

nothing I could have done to prevented it. But now I'm very focused on like I want to live a healthy and long and fulfilling life. And now I'm kind of an adrenaline junkie and just I'm addicted to doing things that make me feel alive. And for me, the number one thing that makes me feel alive is fighting and getting to train and like push my body to physical limits in a good way and not in a I'm sick and dying in bed and on chemotherapy way. Yeah and I think it's normal too to have those kind of ups and downs like you have it's normal that you have those breaking points and then you kind of come out even stronger and I think that just is part of your journey and it makes it makes for your story and I think that too it it leads you to being even more proud of

yourself now and like where you are and the fact that you can genuinely say like no now I actually am a fighter like you know what I mean and I think that's incredible and I think that yeah like you said it can happen to anybody and that's why we really shouldn't take anything for granted in life because anything can just pop up and happen and yeah you never know yeah and and just kind of take everything away from you it can seem like and that is a really hard time like that's the time that we're supposed to be having fun and being young and living our life. So I can't even imagine to have to go through that. Yeah, it was a really like coming of age time to have to go through something like that.

And yeah, like now for a long time before I started Muay Thai, I felt like that was the most interesting thing about me. And even now, like when I meet new people, I work like a office job at a big company. And I'm like, I feel this urge to like tell people. people that I had cancer, even though, like, at this point, it was six years ago. And I, I sometimes feel guilty for, like, bringing it up because I don't want to shock people. Because it's always, like, a shocking thing to say. They're like, what? You had cancer? Like, and then I feel like, I'm trying to, like, draw attention to myself and that I should just keep it behind closed doors.

But now, like, I think the most interesting thing about me and the thing that I'm most proud of is, like, training in Muay Thai. And, um, and, um, and, um, and, I think the most interesting thing about me, and, it doesn't feel like cancer has to define like who I am anymore because I felt like for a while that was like all I still think about it every day but you identify with things. Yeah. It's like I almost like always like always feel this urge to like tell people what I went through to help them understand me even though I just like sometimes I'm afraid of like being perceived as like a normal person who hasn't gone through this hard thing.

Like I feel like I don't know who I am without it now and I wouldn't take it back for like anything. Like even though it was really hard obviously and there's long-term effects that I could still experience. Like who knows? Like I could relapse next year. But I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen. And for me, that's like fighting. Yeah. And I think the more that you build your mental strength, the less those negative thoughts will come in. Because obviously, yeah, like you mentally prepare for the worst. And of course, like you said, anything can happen. Yeah.

But I think that if you have that confidence in yourself and, you know, your mental strength and constantly building that up and doing the best you can, it's like, I think you start to feel like nothing's going to break me down at this point. Exactly. And that's like why it's been a really healing experience for me to do something so like physically powerful because it helps you realize your own strengths. Yeah. And now you just did something mentally and emotionally powerful by coming on here and talking

about it. So it's like you're knocking on. all the blocks. There's so many things. Like I hope the plot was like making sense. It sometimes feels like word salad, like trying to explain the whole like timeline of everything. But yeah, I feel like I got everything in there.

That was the main point. No, you definitely did. I think you did such a great job. And it's really interesting to hear just the different parts of your story. Because like you said, I think when people hear like, oh, I had cancer, like naturally they'll just think about that process, but you don't think about, okay, well, like, the age that you were and what you went through, like, because of school and then the relationships and, like, around you, whether it was the guy or then the family, and it's a lot. And I don't think people

really take into consideration how much a diagnosis like that can affect. Yeah, no, people usually just want to hear about, like, what was the worst side effect of chemo? And I'm like, everything. Everything is the worst. It takes a toll on your life and it completely changes your life. So that's really, really eye-opening and interesting to hear. And it's heartbreaking that the cancer sucks. It's the worst, you know. And I'm glad that you've been, you know, you survived. It's been how long?

Six years. Six years. Yeah. Congratulations. That's amazing. Yeah. And technically after five years, you're like cured. So I get to walk around and say like, oh, I was cured from cancer, which like a lot of

people don't get to say. A lot of people just are in that remission. phase for a long time. Well, you did incredible. Thank you. Thank you for having me on. Of course. Thank you for wanting to come and share your story. Seriously. You did such a great job.