We're All Insane - Tragic Consequences of Homophobia

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

CW: This episode contains discussions of suicide. Homophobia in conservative Christian towns can have devastating effects on the mental health of LGBTQ+ individuals, leading to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide. Many LGBTQ+ people face discrimination, ostracism, and even violence from their families and communities, which can make it difficult to openly express their true selves. The pressure to conform to heteronormative standards can be particularly harmful for young people who are still trying to figure out their identities. This lack of acceptance and understanding can lead to feelings of isolation, hopelessness, and despair. Studies show that LGBTQ+ youth from conservative Christian backgrounds are at a higher risk of suicide than their peers, highlighting the urgent need for greater education and acceptance in these communities. Bridget’s story also highlights how a lack of acceptance can harm the grieving process by denying a person’s identity even after their death.  Bridget’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/homosaxual/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y%3D Bridget’s TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bridgetgrenier?_t=8bAcmfPlflj&_r=1 Visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ for help or more information. If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name is Bridget and I wanted to talk about losing my first girlfriend when I was 17 and the process of dealing with that trauma while not actually being able to be open about it myself and the way that it's impacted me and how I've lived my life since then. Like I said, I'm from New Jersey. I grew up in a New Jersey is a very populated place, but the town I grew up in is pretty

small. It's like three score miles, 20,000 people. And it's like everybody has had their family live there for years. with the exception of my family. But I, you know, I had a pretty okay childhood, all things considered. I have two younger sisters and both my parents are together. So when I was younger, I think my parents would probably say that I had a OCD, like pretty intensely, but that kind of faded away. But as I got to like middle school, probably like eighth grade, I was coming to terms with my sexuality.

Not, I mean, I still, I'm 26 now and I probably couldn't still. even say for sure, this is what my sexuality is. But when I was in eighth grade, I kind of had the first thoughts. Like, I don't think it really matters to me who you are, as long as you're someone that cares about me and I care about you. And we can have that, you know, mutual connection with each other. And it was pretty soon after that that I met Hope for the first time. I actually met her at a football game. I was in band. And she, she's three years old. She was three years older than me. So she was a junior when I was in eighth grade, which is a pretty significant age difference, especially when you're that young.

Yeah. But I was introduced to her through my sister's, or I'm sorry, my friend's sister. So I was at the point in time where I was going into high school. I had to make the decision. Am I going to join marching band? And this was like, you know, 2010. So that wasn't like the cool thing to do necessarily. But I love playing my instrument, so I knew I wanted to keep going at it for,

in some capacity. But my friend and sister said, why don't you come to this football game? There's somebody that I want to introduce you to. And she introduced me to Hope. And Hope was a very irreverent person. She, I don't know how like into astrology you guys are. I am.

Okay. So she was a Leo, like very bold out there personality. She would do the thing to make you laugh or do the thing to make you uncomfortable. she would make the joke that no one else would make. And she was very out loud with herself. But at the same time, if there was a place that she wasn't comfortable, she would either kind of like reach into herself or be that extra kind of loud. And it was almost kind of the point where like you didn't exactly know who she was.

Right. Because she was always putting on a bit of a front. But the normal person wouldn't necessarily know that. But we met that first time. I didn't really, you know, didn't really go anywhere because I was, you know, I was in middle school. I was just living my own life. But then when it was actually at a friend's birthday party, we were reintroduced like six months later.

And for me, like when I fall in love with somebody, it's kind of like, you know right away. Yeah. I don't know if I would necessarily say I believe in like love at first sight. But I do believe that when you feel a connection with somebody right off the bat, you know it's there and it was the kind of thing that was hard to avoid. But I also like, I felt like she felt it too. But she came from a home that was like very unaccepting of that sort of thing from a religious perspective. Lots of people in the town I lived in were Catholic. The big Catholic church was like two blocks down from me. And my parents sent me to CCD, but they were never like, my parents were more

hippies than they were Catholics. So I always, was supported in that sense, but I knew that she was not. Right. And she was not out. I was not out. But like over that summer when I was going into high school, she was going into her senior year, we spent like every day with each other. Just like going on walks to the park.

So it was like after that party that you guys kind of like really hit it off. Yeah. I don't know if she would say she felt it like right away. But I definitely did. And I think we had like a mutual sense of we want to get to know each other better because even even if at that point I wasn't sure what exactly I was feeling. I knew that she was somebody I wanted to have in my life. And so I like every day I was like, how can I figure out a way to hang out with her?

And over that summer, I got to know her. I got to know her family. And she has a younger sister. Her name's Hope. Her younger sister's name is Faith. So I think you can see where the religiousness is coming from in this. family. And her dad was like the very charismatic guy in the town. Like everybody knew who he was. He participated in like five Ks in town, like super involved in the church. And it was the kind of

involvement not where like you go to church every day or you go to church every Sunday and you do that. But like, you know, his daughters were going to be not altar boys because they weren't boys, but you know, you're going to go serve mass and you're going to go every week. you are not allowed to skip. And, you know, we had friends who were openly gay at the time. And he would say, I don't want you hanging around those people because I don't want them rubbing off on you. And you would ask Hope, like if she was hanging out, hanging with me a lot.

Like, you're not dating her, right? Like, you know I wouldn't be able to deal with that. And she would say no. And he would like literally drop to his knees and say, thank God. Even though, like, that wasn't, she wasn't telling the truth. But yeah. And her mom, I would certainly say was not as bad. She wasn't very friendly, but she, you kind of like knew what you were getting into when you first met her.

But her dad was very like behind closed doors was an alcoholic and was not afraid to say what he thought about his daughters to their faces. And, you know, Hope was 5'9 and like 120 pounds, like skinny girl. And so was her sister. Like they're both small, but he would constantly say, like, you need to stop eating. Like, I don't think they fed them dinner, really. Yeah. So she wasn't really cared for very much by her immediate family. And I, over time, over that summer specifically kind of got a feel for that and how it impacted her.

And, like, I was 14. I didn't know what I was dealing with. But at the same time, I was understanding that I had anxiety and depression, I said, saw this person who was going through the same thing. So when you have someone who you really care about and someone who understands what you're going through, that can be really impactful and important. So that was the summer. And I was hurting myself and she eventually told me that she was too. And we'd promised each other that that wasn't something that we were going to do anymore. So we were very much like accountable to each other.

Didn't always work out that way. But that's what we tried to do because we needed somebody to talk to. And for her, I think it felt like she was the first, I was the first person she had a deep connection to. She had friends who were great. But I don't think she was really open with them the way she was with me. And I don't necessarily know why she felt comfortable with me necessarily. But especially considering the age difference, we didn't really know each other.

I think when you know, you know sometimes. Yeah, and I was going to say too, I feel like the fact that even how you said, you guys both kind of knew you were going through something similar. And like you could lean on each other for that support. If you don't really have that outlet with anyone else in your life, I think you cling to, you know, if you do find that with a person, I think it's really important and great to have because I feel like such a big thing is if you don't really feel understood and heard by people,

you're not going to want to open up. So it seems like you both kind of were, able to provide that for each other, which is important. And she actually told me, maybe like a year or two later, she said that, she said, I was planning on killing myself that summer and then I met you. Wow. So, and I, like again, being 14, like you don't know how to handle that or hear that, but I was just like happy that I could be that person for her. And it wasn't until October of that year that we actually like kind of confronted our feelings and said to each other, well, you know, I, this is how I feel about you and I know you feel the same way about me.

And like, that was like one of the happiest times that I had had. And we were such a band nerd. So of course, this happened like the day of our first band competition. Yeah. But being in high school and having a relationship where you're not only three years apart, but like in a small conservative of town in a high school where everybody knows each other's business. And her mom worked in the high school. So, like, there was no way that we could really be open about who we were because even if we wanted to and we didn't care what other people said, then, I mean, it would get back to her family and they would find out.

And even still to this day, I don't for sure know if they knew. Yeah, because that's what I was going to ask you was, did you feel like you had to hide? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, we, something I'm really. really grateful for is that I still are my freshman year her senior year we wrote each other notes every day and I still have all of them oh that's amazing yeah so I originally had all of the ones that she wrote to me and then after she passed away her parents actually gave me all of the ones I sent to her well that was nice yeah so but like they they've never like openly at least to me acknowledged that this was

part of their daughter but when you're when you're in high school and like things changed a lot like from 2010 to 2015 in terms of like acceptance, like hugely. But I, you know, I was reading through some of these notes. And it's like every other day, we were writing to each other about like, well, what is this person saying about us now? Like, I can't even like give you a hug in the hallway without people like trying to say things about us. And I don't know if it was so much like self-conscious on my part that I was thinking all

of these people were talking about us or if they actually were. I think it was probably a mixture of both. Yeah. And the thing too is I think in high school, as you said, small town, big town, no matter what, unfortunately part of it is people are just, they're constantly talking. Oh, yeah. And there's constantly rumors and whatever else. And I feel like even the jokes that people make, like even if you were just friends,

but you did decide to hog every day, there's still a chance people would make comments. So it's like, I think it's a very difficult place to be, especially. when you're family, like you're not even really like sure within your own family. And like you said, because you didn't come out yet, right? No. Right. So it's like even within yourself, it's like you don't know. But then you can't even really feel like you can be yourself in your school or anywhere,

which really is unfortunate. Yeah. And when you're that age, like psychologically, you want peer validation. Yeah. So it's like you're constantly like hiding behind this mask like 24-7. And it's like even though you're still going about your maybe your daily routine or your activities or your life. It's like it's a lot. It's straining to feel like you're just, you can't ever really just like let down that wall and just feel like accepted and yourself and just

happy. Because everybody should be happy. So hard. Yeah. And you know, being a high school teacher, I see what they go through every day. And I still like feel such empathy for what kids are going through. And I often think about like myself at that age and what what could have I used from an adult in my life because my parents were great, but many other adults in my life, like, really failed me at that time. But so that first year, we were very much, like, closeted, did not really tell many of our friends at all. But things actually got a lot better once she graduated and left high school.

And like I said, this 2010 to 2015, like this radical shift between, like acceptance of people who were gay or trans really shifted a lot. from like where I was living. Right. But being in a churchy town, it was still, like, they were like maybe one or two gay kids in each grade, but no one, to my knowledge anyway, was actually openly dating somebody.

Okay. So that was kind of like who that role out I played. But after she graduated, like I was still, I actually felt like I could be more myself because it's not like I had to worry about, like, what her mom was seeing and what kind of judge. judgments she would make about her daughter based off of that. So like I had like a rainbow belt from Spencer's that I would like wear with my like knee length khaki shorts and I called it like

my lesbian outfit. I was a Batman t-shirt too. So it was very like I embraced a lot of who I was. And I think because she was in college, she still, she commuted. But she still like met other people and kind of broadened her horizons. And when I saw her embrace her queerness, that was like, the happiest I saw her. So I really, I think leaving that town, at least in some capacity, was really good for her. And I think it was what like really helped me cope after everything happened to was actually going somewhere else because the toxic environment that we were in, it's like when you, when you go home and you're surrounded by hate and you go to school and you're surrounded by hate. Like how are you not supposed to ingrain some of that in yourself?

especially when the hate is like being targeted towards you. So after she left high school, things got a lot better for both of us. But it was probably around. And it was like a high school relationship. So I'm not going to say it was the most healthy thing out there. So young. But I was really happy to go through my adolescence with her because she taught me a lot about being who I am and not being apologetic and saying the things.

thing that's on your mind because that's very much who she was. And I, even now, I try to like live my life in a way that I think would honor her and make her proud of, of like, it's not like necessarily I'm living both of our lives for us. But I always like, there's that line. I don't know how well you know wicked, but there's that like line that you're always going to be a handprint on my heart. And that was like our song. So I think about that a lot.

So I try to live my life in a way that I think. she would have really liked to live hers. Yeah, absolutely. And she had the chance. So we were together for almost three years. And it was the summer of 2014 when I was going into my senior year at high school. And I remember the first time I was like, I don't necessarily know if this relationship is something I want to continue.

And I was like, it was over that summer. I was on vacation like in San Francisco. I have this very clear memory of having that thought. But I didn't really want to let that go because she's still. she meant a lot to me. It was kind of like I feel myself falling out of being in love with her, but I still like truly care about this person. And that's, this is hard to go through when you're 17 and like trying to recognize those

feelings. I don't want to lose her as a friend because she means a lot to me. But like, how are you supposed to go through a breakup after three years, not having, you know, really hard feelings attached to that? but one of my like I guess you could say dirty little secrets is that I broke up with her over a text which after three years like you should not do but right um it happens yeah we were we were arguing about something and she was like well do you just like not want to be with me anymore and I was like yeah I kind of don't so I was actually on my way to visit um my college that I was going to

and I was with my parents that I didn't tell them um so I had this like whole weekend of just like being miserable. And I kept telling myself, like, you have to tell, you have to tell them that this relationship is over before you get home. And I had, like, push it off so much that as soon as, like, my parents parked in our, in our, uh, by our garage when I got home, I was like, okay, we just broke up. And my parents were like, oh, my God, like, are you okay? And, uh, my parents were kind of, they cared for her too, um, in a way. Like, she spent a lot of time at our house. My sisters really got to know her. Um, because her parents weren't going to do that.

I was very rarely even over at their house, like just as a friend. So there was one time she worked in a bagel store, and she got like a really bad grease burn on her leg. And after work, she came over to my house to have my parents help her with it rather than, like, she thought her parents would be mad at her for getting her at work. So she came over to my house and had us try to help her out with that. So when I broke up with her, it was kind of like I felt like I was severing off a lot of things for her. Like because her, my friends became her friends.

My family like sort of became her family. So but I couldn't keep going on with this relationship if I wasn't feeling it myself. Because that wouldn't be fair to either of us. Right. So she was obviously really upset. We saw each other in person a couple times. back and forth, like during between the month that we broke up in the month that she passed away. But there was one time, like my hometown does like a celebration, like a, you know, Hawthorne Day.

So like everyone comes to like the field downtown and there's fireworks and celebrations and all that sort of thing. And that was in like the end of September. And we went to not together, but like we had gone to a friend's house because, you know, we were all still friends with the same people. And we lived on like adjacent streets from each other. So I had just gotten my driver's license and she had always driven me around. So I was like, oh, I'll drive you home. And I was sitting with her in the, in my car parked in front of her house.

And she was just like sobbing because her mental health had been decreasing quite a bit. And I think anybody who deals with depression or something like that will say sometimes it goes in wait. Sometimes you'll have a couple months where you're fine. But other times you'll have a couple months where, like, you really feel like the world is ending. And I think it was unfortunate that, like, my falling out of love with her coincided with, like, a really bad mental health spell for her. And she was talking about things and saying that she wanted to, she missed me and wanted to get back together. And I just, like, I can't do that because it's not fair to either of us.

And she had told me that she wanted to go walk into the woods and never come back. and like that was the first time I felt like like this might actually happen and I was really scared but I just like I was just 20 like she's still living with her parents who are hateful homophobic people like it's not like if I told them I think your daughter's in serious trouble like that would possibly be outing her and putting her in a really uncomfortable situation like what were they going to do to help right what was anybody going to do to help I'm Anna Garcia host of true crime news the podcast. Every week we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation, mystery seeking exploration,

and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to true crime news available now wherever you get your podcasts. So, and you don't even think that they knew for those three years that you guys were together? No. I mean, but your parents were fully aware. Yes. Okay. And it's with them, I, like, it's like, were you not paying attention? Right. Did you see it and just chose to not acknowledge it? But also it's just, it's so sad because, like I kind of said before, to me, happiness is like the most important thing. And, and you would think that for your child, if something or someone makes them happy, that that should be all that

matters. So it's like even the fact that they just, I guess, didn't even care enough to acknowledge like her happiness around you or with you. It's like it's sad. It's horrible. Yeah. I think they had very specific ideas to what they wanted out of their children. And I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if you're not going to let your kid be who they are, then like, why should you have kids to begin with? And like, if you're not going to embrace your child for who they are, then like, are you really fit to be a parent? I agree. Yeah. So after that, I was like, I was worried. Like, what do I do? She's not in school. I can't contact, like, a social worker or, like, a psychologist to help talk to her. I can't, like, call 911 because she will be taken away in an ambulance. And how do you explain that to her family? I didn't. Sorry, to interrupt you. Were you guys still in contact a lot? Like, with on the phone? Yeah. Okay. We were, we texted still, like, every day. Because I cared, I cared so much about her. And I knew she was struggling. And I wanted to. It was a really hard line to balance.

And I will say sometimes I didn't do the best job. Like she would be texting me saying she's going through a really hard time. But I would just like, I can't deal with it right now. Because I was out living my life, having my senior year, like trying to enjoy and move on. And live your own life. Yeah. And I wanted her to do the same. But I just don't think she was mentally in a place where she could do that.

So I had bought her a pair of converse as a late. birthday present that I'd given to her. And she said they didn't fit. So after school, one on this day, I was going to go pick them up so I could exchange them for the correct size. And this was 2014. So people were not calling it Indigenous People's Day, but it was Columbus Day. And we had a half day at school. And we had made this plan. And I remember the last thing I had texted to her was like, I really care about you. And then that was it. And I had gym that day. I was out for playing like flag football or something and I saw an ambulance driving by. And like there was just like something in me that had a bad feeling about that.

But the day went on and I went to go get food with some of my friends after school and I was texting her like, hey, are you there? No response, which was unusual. And this town was small. So we got like this place where we were getting food. I actually also had a part-time job at. And it was like literally a quarter of a mile down the street from both of our houses. So I called her and there was no answer.

So I drove down the street to her house and I made the right turn onto her street. And I saw like ambulance lights and a bunch of people gathered outside like her neighbors. And I got out of the car and just started walking up towards the house. And her dad actually came out and said, oh, thank God you're here. you heard. And I said, no, I didn't. Like, what happened? And he said, uh, hope killed herself. And I, he must have thought I knew already. I don't know how. But like he, uh, he actually like took me and hugged me. And at that point, like, I remember the only thing I could like get out of my mouth was like, oh my God. Oh my God. I need to go home right now because I did not want to be around her family.

I couldn't. Um, and, you know, knowing that she. She knew I was going to be coming over that day. Like, did she, I had this thought, like, did she want me to find her? Like, was this? And it was exactly a month after we broke up. I broke up with her on September 13th and she committed suicide on October 13th. So that was like the first inkling of like, oh, this feels like my fault. And when you're 17 again and you're dealing with that, where else does your mind go?

when you felt like and knew that you were the one person who maybe could have done something to talk her out of it or to like, could I have said something else? And I remember the night before we were texting with each other and I told her like, I really love you and I care about you. And I'm very glad I did that because at least she, I hope she passed away knowing that. But I was like, I need to go home. I could not stay around her family. I didn't know if her body was still in the house.

Like that was something I could not mentally deal with. And it was actually really strange. It was a Monday. But my dad's dad and his sister were in town because they were supposed to be going to a wedding. And her neighbor walked me home to my parents' house. And I like don't remember that walk at all. I don't even remember what this guy, her neighbor looked like because I was just in like such a state of shock. And I got home and my dad opened the door and I was like there.

I wasn't crying yet. I was still like the state of shock. And he was like, what is going on? And my, her neighbor said, um, the hope killed herself. And like that was when I broke down. It was when I was with my family. And my, my dad's mom committed suicide when he was 15. So it kind of felt like a little surreal in that way. But my dad just like, me and hugged me. And like, like, we both started just, like, crying. And my mom had come down the stairs after, you know, getting ready to go to this wedding that they didn't end up going to, obviously. But that day was like a very surreal moment. And I think we'll probably stay one of the worst days of my life for a really long time. And there's still a part of me,

like, who I don't want to say part of me, like, died that day. But there's part of me inside that's still like that 17-year-old girl like frozen in time because everything in my life changed after that. It's also it's you're very young. So I think it like it's already traumatic. But like you said being that age and knowing the impact you both had on each other, I think only makes it that much harder. Oh, it was so hard. Yeah.

And like kind of one by one like my friends started to hear like my dad called my best friend and told her and she came over. And I'm not quite sure how like other than that, how news started to like trickle out to people. But I had a bunch of friends like come over to my house. And it would go from like us all crying together because we couldn't believe that this was real and that it was happening to like laughing, like thinking about like all of the good memories we had together. And that was really cathartic. And I think leaning on people was really what got me through that. Yeah, absolutely. Because. Like honestly, for like at least six months afterwards, I was living inside my own head.

And I couldn't get out of it. And that was really, it was tough. Like to, you know, on one hand, there's people saying, well, like, you couldn't have known. Like this, she made this choice herself. But then on the other side, well, like, we need to focus on suicide prevention. And like, what could we have done differently? And I was so angry that I was said, if people just pay attention to who she was as a person, they would have seen this coming.

but I was the person who was closest. So like it felt like it was really falling on me. And I remember at her funeral, the priest was talking about how like this was such a tragic accident. And I was like, this is not an accident. This was a culmination of years of abuse and negligence. Yeah, really serious emotional negligence, some physical as well. And that's what I was going to say too is, you know, it's great that she had you and support, but sometimes it's not enough.

Oh, no. And it's like, I think, too, if she was in a place where she felt like in her own home, she couldn't even be herself. And like, it was just probably this constant, like I said, that mask feeling. It's like, it's so sad and it's horrible. It's tiring. Yeah. And it's demoralizing, like trying to hide who you are.

And even, you know, if your parents don't know that that's who you are and they still will say really demeaning things. Like her parents were so hateful. I had to teach her that using the N-word was a bad thing because it was a word that, you know, she heard at home a lot. Yeah. And the 2010s, which, so just as an example of the environment she was in. Right.

But I, the next day, I was in bed till 5 p.m. I slept in my parents' bed for the next month because my parents were so worried about me. And I can, I mean, I'm not a parent, but I'm older now. And I just like trying to think about taking care of a child who is going through this must have been so hard for them. Scary. Yeah. Yeah. And I, you know, she had, I think the night before she had told me that like, you know, she wanted to die.

And I, I had said to her, like, if you do this, then I will too. And I didn't. But I think her parents probably saw that in her texts and told my parents because obviously they didn't want anything bad. to me. So my parents were really, really concerned about me. They brought me to a psychologist right away. But it was still so fresh. Like I couldn't even get words out to talk about what I was going through. But that Thursday, we had band practice and I just wanted to be with the people who I knew would comfort me. And so I had gone to ban practice and sat with my little like 40-piece band. And, you know, at that point, I was like the leader of the band. All of these like little

freshmen and sophomores were looking up to me. And I was just like standing there sobbing. And I, and they all were too because even if they didn't know her, she would always come around to the football game. She was like, her sister had been in the band recently. And it's a small town. So we'd know each other. And even when someone sees you going through something hard, it's difficult for you to not feel that too, especially when the emotions are so raw and so real. Yeah. Like I was, you know, my sisters were 14 and 11 and they knew her too because she spent so much time at our house. And they were going through it too. And to watch their older sister like have the worst time that she's ever felt, I'm sure that was also tough for them. Absolutely. And like, you know, my friend's sisters and like so many people were impacted by this. But I felt like I was at the center like kind of like in the middle of a hurricane just like having everybody have their eyes on me. And, you know, when I finally went back to school, I felt like I was the trauma girl. You know, I had to drop one of my classes because I had missed too much work. But going back a little

bit, there was a, she died on a Monday. And that Wednesday, there was like a little vigil at the church. And they took out like a bunch of these little tea lights and lit them and spelled out hope. And it was really, it was really beautiful. And I, that was the first time I saw her family since then. I didn't really talk to her, but I saw her sister who was wearing her varsity jacket. And we kind of just hugged each other and cried, but I didn't really talk to them other than that. And the, she was really involved in the youth group. And like when she was senior and I was a freshman, we had gone on a retreat. And I don't really remember what the theme of the retreat was, but they like picked out a, they were trying to pick out a song to like kind of,

you know, ground everyone. And it was, um, Hope Joe's the song. It was. called Bless the Broken Road by the Rascal Flats. I don't know if you're familiar with that song at all, but she chose it and she said, this song reminds me of you. And then the youth group leader at this vigil came out and put the song on and started playing it. And like that was kind of a moment where it really felt like, well, everyone can mourn this together. But I felt like there was like a deeper part of me that wasn't allowed to mourn what was happening because I couldn't participate in any kind of like the close family morning because they didn't know that I was in love with her for three years at the at the funeral. Sure, they put a black scarf on her body to

hide the marks on her neck. And so everyone else in her family also wore these black scarves. But I couldn't have one and like that. Even though that's like something small and symbolic, Like, it's still like, I felt like I was being outcasted, even though. Do you think that they, like, at all, knew the impact that you had on her? Like, do you think that they, deep down, they knew how close you guys were? I think so. Okay. But other than that, like, you didn't ever really have much closure with the family.

Like, you guys never really, no. So that Thursday was the wake. and I did not really talk to her family much at all, but I walked into the wake and there was a huge line out the door. But my mom was like, we just need to get you inside so you can like take a deep breath and not have to like, you know, have all this tension buildup. And I remember like walking in and seeing her body. And like that, I think that may have actually been the hardest moment.

I like had a complete mental breakdown in the funeral home. And I was actually right in front of my math teacher because she was also there. But her and my mom like picked me up off of the ground and like put me in a chair because I was like hyperventilating. My cortisol levels were like through the roof. And like that remains a very traumatic memory specifically for me. Like living with PTSD now I have a lot of nightmares specifically about like her. her body showing up in my bed or like taking her casket out of the earth and like having to look at this corpse.

And I think a lot of it kind of circles back to that because I, you know, I had heard that she passed away. I knew it. I was coping with that. But I hadn't actually seen it. Right. Until that point. So that was really, really tough for me.

But even like I don't, I honestly don't even remember talking to her family at the funeral. because what was I going to say to them? Yeah. And it's just so unfortunate because I feel like it just goes to show how little they really knew her. Yeah. I don't think they really knew her at all. No. I think they knew what they thought they wanted to see.

But I don't know how they really are doing. dealing with it still because I mean and I try not to be too judgmental about them because at the end of the day they all they lost their daughter which is like one of the worst things that you can go through in life but I'm also angry as you should be and the thing is is like everyone in this life and in this world is going to have their own opinions and everybody's entitled to their own opinions and beliefs but at the end of the day we're all human and like I said before everyone deserves happiness and everyone deserves to feel like they can be themselves. And if you don't agree with it, good. Don't. Who cares? But like, that's your life. Yes. And you should just,

everyone should just always respect each other and no one should ever feel like they can't be themselves because I mean, just to imagine how trapped. And like you said, tiring, one must feel to never feel like they can just be themselves. It's like, it's horrible. And I think that that is, that is why there's so many suicides and people that have mental illness and that are so sad because they don't even feel like they can really be them. It feels easier to just not be here than to like keep hiding, which is horrible. And that's why it's like religion, whatever, like, I think it can be a great thing. But I think that when it comes to like shunning someone and making them just feel like they aren't accepted, how is that, how is that religion?

It's not. I mean, I've never understood that. I don't. I don't. I don't. either, especially like using religion as a tool for ostracizing others and for hatred. Like isn't, I'm not going to say all religions, but aren't like most religions about like, you know, accepting each other with kindness. Right. And that's just like not the kind of vibe I got from them at all. And unfortunately, I feel like a lot of people don't because it's one of those things that it's like I feel like some people are either so deep into their religion or so

whatever it might be that these beliefs and these thoughts are strong. and hold more value than what a human being is feeling. Yeah. It really, I think, can warp people's reality sometimes. And maybe they truly thought they were doing what was best for them. Right. And like that might even be more sad. Yeah.

But it's hard to say. There was one time about like a month after she passed away, her parents said, do you want to come with us to her college? Because they were doing like a little vigil type thing. And I went and they brought me back to their house afterwards. And I was just like so uncomfortable the whole time. Because again, like I didn't know if they knew. I was with her sister who her sister knew.

But like I'm, I doubt she had said anything to her parents about it. So like it was just so tense and uncomfortable. But afterwards they gave me like some of her stuff, including those letters. And there was a notebook that they gave me that was blank. But it just had my name with a heart in it. And I'm like, how do you look at that and not know? Right. Or maybe you do and you just choose to not say anything or acknowledge it, which is... Or not want to believe it. Yeah. But like at that point, like she's gone. Like you can maybe honor who she was and maybe try to celebrate that. But I don't know where they're at right now. And I don't really, I don't feel the need to know because they, like, even just the thought of like running into them in my hometown is like scary for me.

And you know, that's the thing too. It's like what kind of closure would you even really need to? with them. Like it's not like they mattered or had any type of impact. Like you said, it seems like obviously your parents were involved, you know, with you guys and your relationship and helped her a lot. But like it's not like they were like that. So it's like what does it even matter? Yeah. It doesn't because I don't. I mean, I don't think about like what she would want. And I don't know if she would really want the people who caused her so much pain to also be causing me that kind of pain. Because I would hope at the end of the day, part of the reason she did that was so she could be free and be herself. And I mean, I tell like my high schoolers all the time like to be yourself

because I think that is some really powerful advice. And that's the only way that you're actually truly going to be happy. And to find yourself too. Like if you if you aren't willing to just accept who you are and be free and open and be yourself, you're never going to really know yourself. And if you don't know yourself, then you're just confused and you're trapped. Yeah. You know? So that you were in your senior year at that time, right? Yeah. And then when you went to college. Is that when you kind of, is that when you moved away? Yes. I would say that first year was really tough. Like, and you were home that whole time, right? You finished out your senior year? I did. Yeah. I did, um, uh, like my, again, my parents had no idea what to do with me.

I had no idea of what to do with myself. They, um, a week after she had passed away, we had the funeral and everything. Um, they took me to see a psychiatrist and that psychiatrist recommended that I go to the hospital, which I did because I was like, I was so apathetic. Like I felt like I was dissociating. Like I was like whatever. I have no will to live myself right now. So I'll just do whatever it is that you want me to do. And hopefully it'll help me get better.

But I went to the emergency room. And from there they transferred me to an inpatient facility. And I don't want to like shit talk inpatient facilities in general. But like that was a whole other traumatizing moment for me. Because they told my parents you can take her out whenever you want. You know, I had no experience. at an inpatient facility. My parents didn't really know. But they said you can take her out if you don't feel like this is right for her. And so I spent a day at this place. And it was a lot of

kids who were younger than me. Like I met an 11 year old who was like dealing cocaine and like a lot of kids who had anger issues. But I was allowed to, I was allowed to talk to my parents for about five minutes a day. But other than that, I was in isolation from my support system. And I would see a doctor for about 10 minutes in the morning. Tell them why I was there. And they said, okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Like, hopefully you're doing better. We did some, like, art therapy and stuff like that. But I couldn't go outside. I had no fresh air. I was cut off from people who could actually understand what I was going through. And the thing about being there is that, like, you kind of have to face your trauma all the time. So people were always like, oh, what are you in for?

And I was always like, well, my girlfriend killed herself. And I would just say, that over and over again to the point where it felt numb to me. Right. So that first day I was there, we had, my parents could like come in and like for a little visiting hour and I was like, I need to get out here. Like I'm glad that I tried it so I could hopefully get better. But this is just not what, this is not the environment I need for that. That is not the place to heal.

No, absolutely not. So my parents said, we want to, we want to take her. And they said, no, you can't. So they said, we need to have an independent psych. psychiatrist come and evaluate her if you want to take her out against doctor orders. And they said the latest this will happen is 48 hours from now. And 48 hours had passed and still no one had come to evaluate me. And at this point, this was a Thursday.

And my like last high school football game was that Friday. And it was like the one thing I was looking forward to like I want to go to this game because it is like one of the only sources of joy I know that I have in my life right now. really afraid that I wasn't going to have that. And it might sound like silly thinking back on it. But it was like, that was where so much of my happiness had come from for a long time. And the thought of missing out on that was really hard. But my dad said he almost called the police to try to get me out of there because this 48 hour window had passed. And my parents were separated from their child after they had just gone something, gone through something really

traumatic. Like, I'm sure they were freaking out too. But yeah, it's like you're stuck in there. Yeah. And you went in on your own, right? Yeah. And we chose. Like, it wasn't like I was involuntarily committed. Right. And honestly, like, it's probably a good thing that I was with, like, I was about

to turn 18, but because I was still 17, I was with the kids. But like, if I wasn't, I would be in like the normal adult ward with like people who are like, going through drug treatments and like had had, I'm sure, really rough times. And like, obviously those people need to heal. me being in that environment would not have been good for me. But I did eventually get out and I had that that time. You know, I was able to go to school. That was my first day back at school in like two weeks. But even like I said before, just have it feeling like everybody's eyes were on you being like the trauma girl. Yeah. It was really hard. And when I got back to school, it was very clear

to both me and my friends that they were so ill-equipped when trying to do. deal with something like this. I know social worker, no school counselor, no psychologist talk to me at all. And if you miss two weeks of school, for any reason, I feel like somebody should like catch up with you and see what's going on, especially like now from an educator's point of view. Even teachers. Yeah. I'm like, how did you? Like nothing. And this, and they all knew, they all knew hope. Like, they knew what happened. And no one did anything to try to help integrate me back into school to see how it was doing. And at the time, that wasn't really on my mind. But thinking back, I really think that that school and the town failed me. They failed her big time. But they also

failed me afterwards. And I hope that things are better at that school now. I really do. But they were not good when I was there. I had one teacher. It was actually my math teacher who had seen me with the breakdown. She said, Bridget, I need you to come stay after school. Because is you've been falling behind in class and we need to catch things up. And I said, okay. And I went to see her after school and she's like, we're not talking about math. I want to know how you're doing. So she kind of like tricked me into coming to talk to her.

But I still, she was other than my parents, the one adult in my life who felt the need to make sure I was okay. And I still really appreciate that. And I think she's like one of the reasons I decided to become a teacher. And I was terrible at math. I felt so bad because I, you know, she tried so hard to. help me be a good student, but I was just not, especially that year was not happening. But she really cared about her students from a deep level. And I, like, looking back, I really

appreciated that. Yeah. But like my friend group really struggled a couple of people who I was friends with. I'm sure, I think our friendships would have ended at some point had this not happened. But, you know, when a group of friends who are 17 years old are rocked with this sort of thing, it can like show tensions that we're already there. It can put stuff into perspective. Oh, yeah. And so like we had lost a couple of friends and like it was hard for all of us. Like we just did not, we didn't know what we were doing and, you know, having to make decisions about college, taking the SATs.

Like all of this at the same time is going through something that no one should ever have to go through. And like when your brains aren't fully developed until you're 25, like this. is molding and shaping every part of you. Absolutely. So my senior year was terrible. Everyone, like, I hear, not everyone, but I hear a lot of people talk about how, like, you know, they had so much fun their senior year. And I just, like, think about my senior year.

And it was terrible. I couldn't wait to leave because, like, every day was just a reminder of what I had gone through. And there was one time specifically, like, the week before prom. It was all, like, the don't drink and drive stuff. Like they put like a wrecked car out on the front of the school like to be like, you don't want this to be you. But for some reason, they thought it was appropriate to get everyone in the senior class in the auditorium to show them this video. It was like a, it was like a fake home movie almost of like these kids at a party like, you know, getting drunk and then, oh, we need more alcohol.

So we're going to go out. And then you watch these kids get in a car crash. And I was sitting next to my friend, Juliana. And like they had, you know, they were. there was a scene where they were in the hospital and, you know, there was blood everywhere and the body, like you hear the heart monitor just stop. And at that moment, it, like, it brought me back to seeing her body. And I couldn't do it. I, like, fainted in front of my entire graduating class. So it was, like, terrible because if, even if before people weren't looking at me and

thinking about immediately what I had been going through, they were now, at least in my mind. Absolutely, yeah. So I could not. wait to get out of there. But even like after I graduated, that summer was really terrible because I was about to go away to school. I didn't know if that was going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I was in a relationship with somebody else at this point in time. And he really helped me get through a lot of this because he didn't really know her at all. But I think I needed that. Obviously, I had like my friends to lean on, but they were all also going through it too. So. Having an outside person was really helpful, but that, you know, that relationship also ended during that time.

And that was hard for me, like losing the person who I felt could help me out the most in that sense. And, like, time has really helped. I would not say it has helped me get over it, but it has helped give me perspective for sure. And even if you had, like, asked me a year ago, I probably would have said no. But, like, looking back on this time right now, like, I probably would. I wanted to kill myself too. I had like a plan in my head. I was like and, you know, that's what ideation is.

But even like it took me eight years, almost nine years afterwards to actually like come to that realization. Like I was in a really bad place. So it was like the combination of, you know, hiding who we were, not being able to mourn who she was, dealing with that whole after trauma effect. Like I, all of that. And it's such a young age too. Yeah.

And I probably still don't know all of how it has affected me long term. Right. And that's the thing too is I don't think we really ever know fully. I think that like you said randomly as time goes on and as as you get older and you experience new things, you kind of on your own see here and they're like, wow, like that might have affected me in this way or maybe I act this way because of this or, you know, and I think that everyone copes and heals differently. but I don't ever think there's an end of healing. Like I think that it gets, I don't want to say easier, but you start, you push through it a little bit more and you, of course, every day you heal a little bit more. But I don't think, I mean, like you said, it's always going to be with you.

Like there's always a part of you that's still frozen in that time. But, you know, at the same time, I feel like the fact that you, like you said, there were so many other moving parts to it, like the fact that you couldn't even really mourn who she was and have that, I guess, proper grievance with the family. And I mean, it's really, it's a lot on one person. It's so, it's like hard to just say this is what I went through. Right. Exactly. There's so many pieces to it. Like you said, moving parts to it. And coming to terms with all of those little moving parts has taken time. And, you know, sometimes the, you know, the anniversary of her death will come around and I'm like a mess. And other times I'm okay. Like I will, I will, I will. I will. I will.

will have, you know, and it'll probably always be like that. Oh, you just don't know. It depends. And like learning the things that really have triggered me to like, like, honestly, like the physical part of it is really terrible. I don't think a lot of people really talk about the physical aspects of PTSD, but like with the things that like get your heart pounding or like make you start dissociating. Like having having time to recognize what those are and take steps to minimize those has been really helpful. Like the first nice day of fall sucks for me. And I loved fall before. Like the leaves changing are so pretty. But like the day we buried her was like the most gorgeous fall day ever. And now like I feel like this not like the whole season is ruined because

that's a little dramatic. But it reminds you. There's the feeling in the air or the smell of the leaves like sunflowers because there were so many sunflowers at her funeral. Like that smell is too much for me sometimes. And all of that can feel really trivial when you take them as individual instances, but it took me like five years to realize, like, I'm really like going through something. This trauma has impacted my brain. It's impacted who I am in a way that I need to take steps to deal with. And I had gone to therapy for like that year afterwards. And I do think that that really helped. but even just like doing some introspection about who I am and learning about those things, those parts of me that need that extra healing or like if something happens in my life that

reminds me of what's going on. I know the things that I need to do now to take care of myself. And I think a lot about how like I was actually talking to my friends the other day and they were saying, well, if she was still alive, we don't even know if we would still be friends with her. But now knowing that I am in some ways, like, trying to live life for her. I try to be happy. And it's so easy to like think about her and all of this and be sad and upset. But I have to choose sometimes to remember that we had so many good times together. And how bold and crazy of a person she was.

I wasn't here for, I wasn't like present for this, but there was one time at, lunch, my friend Julia had like had lunch with her and they sat with this guy who was a pain in the ass. And I don't even know like what kind of argument was going on. But Julia and this guy were having an argument about something and Hope had like a can of purple hairspray in her bag. And she just sprayed him in the face with this hairspray. Like she would not. She's saying care. Oh no. And she, I mean, she was so funny. She was, when she was happy, she was so happy. And I wish that she got to have that more, but I don't want my memory and my remembrance of her to be sad because I wanted her to be happy. So that's, I feel like I should be happy and

living life in a way that I think she would have loved. Absolutely. And I think too, you know, in general, I feel like you said when things like this happen, and I feel like this is another just a great reason why you're, why it's so great that you're sharing your story is because if anybody else was in this position where if for any reason they felt maybe they were at fault, like you said how you felt like you were at fault for it in a way, that in that moment you make a decision. You know what I mean within yourself to either be like, okay, like I have to accept that this is what happened and I need to rise up from it or like you said like in your mind you also had said and felt like you were going to take your own life. And I feel like it's

very easy. I mean, it's 50-50. You make one choice or the other. So it's like I feel like you are a perfect example and a reminder to people of why to go the positive route, you know, and do everything positive you can from such a traumatic sad situation. You know, like you said, like having it be where you live your life and keeping her in your heart and in your mind and living your life almost with her kind of like invisibly there by your side and and keeping those positive thoughts. And I feel like too, just, and I know you already know this, but just to remember the impact you had on her in such a positive way. Like you are the reason she had so many happy moments too.

And that's easy to forget about. Very easy, especially because like our minds naturally, it wants to go to the negatives. And it's easier to replace sad things and to like harbor on all these negative and sad thoughts. But when you really remember, like, the fun times you guys had, like, and when the moments that she was happy and smiling and bold, like, you were, if you were there and you were present for them, like, you're part of the reason she felt that way. And I think there's, in some ways, those memories can, they can make you sad. But I've chosen to let those happy memories, like, make me happy. And, like, the joy I feel, like, remembering those things is part of what can get me through. Sometimes.

Right. Yeah. And I, like, one of the things I wish that she could have had more of was like accepting and celebrating who she was. Absolutely. And like, I- Everyone deserves that. I just know.

I know she would have loved, like, drag. And, like, I feel like if she had gone to a drag show, she would have just, like, felt at home. Yeah. So, and, like, it's something that I love. And I, like, feel of some of her joy. Right. when I like participate in like, you know, going to pride or like celebrating queerness in general

because that's so much of what she can do. And I think it's so much of what held her back in life. And I want other people to know that they can choose that for themselves. And it shows the importance of acceptance. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. People were also, even if you take the strongest person, for example, someone like her, you would look at and be like she's strong and she's bold and she doesn't care.

But if you, if people don't feel accepted, no matter for what reason it might be or what your beliefs are or aren't, like it can lead to horrible things and it can make people feel horrible ways and no one should. I mean, life is so short and so precious to ever feel sad because you can't be who you are. So I feel like even you coming on and sharing this shows people why it's so important to just let people live and be happy. And if you don't like it, just get the fuck out. Like, you know what I mean?

Mind your own business. Literally. Like, it just acceptance is so important and respect and just to be kind, kindness. I see like, I mean, in this part of the country and like where I live, like, I don't necessarily feel like my rights are up for grabs by politicians. But I think of like the kids who are living in Florida or Tennessee or Nebraska or wherever. And I'm just, I'm like, I fear for them that they're going through this too. Because, I mean, like, when this was happening to me, I felt like I would have enjoyed

somebody who, well, not enjoyed it. I could have benefited from somebody who understood what I went through. Not that I ever want somebody to go through that, but I had no one to really understand what I was going through. And like, this is, I don't, I honestly don't really talk about this. very often because there's so much too on earth and like getting out what I what I want other people to understand from my experience can be really difficult. But over the years, I've grown to learn that sharing what you've been through is important because it can.

Even if you, even if there's somebody who isn't going through the same thing, if they can just take a little bit of what I've gone through and use that to make their life a little better or to make better choices for themselves or for other people in their life, that is worth it to me. Absolutely. And I think that that's something that she would have wanted to. For sure. And I think it's so amazing.

You came on. And I always say the same thing that you said, that even if somebody doesn't have the same story, there's always a piece of something that you say, everybody that comes on. And it's so diverse, you know, the people that are on here. but everyone can always take a little piece of something. And like you were saying, too, not that you would ever want somebody to ever experience something like this, but to have a platform where you can share this

and potentially save someone's life or get somebody out of that really just like down, sad rut that they might be in. That changes someone's life. Yeah. You know, and imagine if even like looking back to yourself, I know that obviously podcasts and stuff, they weren't a thing back then like that. But like if you had that where if you could just like sit there

and listen to somebody sharing their experience, and if it aligned really well with yours, it would probably change your perspective and make you feel like, well, at least I'm not alone. You know what I mean? Or if they could get through it, I can get through. Because that's how we are. Like, it's humans. We want to feel heard and we want to feel understood and we want to get through things. I mean, nobody wants to just stay sad and stay down there and be bad, like, you know, feel just horrible.

But yeah, so I think it's incredible. I think you did amazing. And like I said, you already know this. but obviously you had such a strong impact on her. And I can really tell by everything that you shared. I think that you made her so happy and you, I think something you should truly never forget is that there were so many people that might,

maybe they didn't accept her, but you did. And I think that that probably meant more to her than words could even describe, honestly, which is incredible. And that's something that you should feel so proud of as a person. Like, that's amazing.

Like you're such a good person. Thank you. And that means a lot because it's like when you live with L of L, of these things in your head all the time. It can, I know I'm strong. My name does, the name Bridgett means strong. So like that's something that I've lived with for the long time. But when you hold, when you're holding so much up, that can feel really, your shoulders get tired.

Yeah. And you for you, it's like we said, you can forget so easily, like all the positive stuff. It's so easy to forget it and to lose that because of all the negatives that you can think of and that you can remember or just. look at the whole situation just be like this was horrible and it is. But there's always, you can always turn something traumatic and horrible into something bright and positive. And really now it's like you're even years later, you're still making an impact. You know what I mean? Like you're taking this experience and you're trying to shed a positive

light from it and help others potentially too. Not even potentially. I know that it will help others. And like doing that and doing things like this is like when I feel her with me the most too. So actively doing things that will bring me back to her and help me live and thrive despite all of this and thrive for her. I know it makes the both of us happy. Yeah. And I think too, like in a way this is a part of, I don't want to say you're healing, but it almost I think it. Oh, no, it is. Yeah.

I feel like it in a way it kind of for some reason, like because I know how when you said that it kind of feels like at times you're still like that. 17 year old like frozen in time. But I feel like the more that you like the more time that goes on and the more you're able to open open up about it and and help others with it. I feel like slowly that will kind that feeling will kind of fade. Like you'll always remember it and you'll always be able to like kind of go back to that place. But I feel like it'll feel less like there's a part of you that was like that stuck there. It'll kind of feel like okay like I'm healing more and more you know, each day and each year and each time I open up about it or each time I know that I helped somebody, you know, and kind of brought a positive light about her and towards her and

the experience. And honestly, as far as, I just want to say this too, as far as the parents go, which I know you already know that's because you're a good person, but all you can do is just forgive them. Yeah. You know, feel bad for them. Forgive them, pray for them and hope that they just like get their shit together. But like, I don't want anyone to like be living in a Right. Right. And it sucks. It really does.

But like when it comes to stuff like that, and this is just another thing for people to know. Sometimes it's better because you have, you can't control other people. So just let it go, forgive and let go. And all you have control of is yourself. Yeah. And how you react and handle the situation. And yeah, I mean, I think you're incredible. And I'm so happy you're able to come on.

I wanted to come on to tell your story. It's amazing. And also I'm so sorry for your loss, obviously. But you're incredible. and I'm so glad you're able to come on. Yeah. And so many ways I did lose a lot, but I, the thing is like I know she's always of course.

So I did, like, I gained like her love is with me forever. Absolutely. Absolutely. You did amazing. Thank you. Good job. Good job.