We're All Insane - Trapped On My Bathroom Floor for 2 Years

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

#foryou #podcast #sponsored #ad SPONSORED BY: RULA | Rula patients typically pay $15 per session when using insurance. Connect with quality therapists and mental health experts who specialize in you at https://www.rula.com/INSANE #rulapod ONESKIN | Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DEVORAH at https://www.oneskin.co/ #oneskinpod JASPER | https://jaspr.co CODE INSANE for $300 off Sally spent 5 years trapped in her house and 2 years on her bathroom floor as her phobias spiraled out of control. From emetophobia to agoraphobia, her world shrank until she could barely survive. 00:00:00 What early experiences can create intense separation anxiety? 00:00:33 How can a single movie moment trigger a lifelong phobia? 00:02:26 What does a first major mental health spiral look like in adolescence? 00:04:28 How can an unexpected interruption change a life-or-death decision? 00:06:18 What is it like to be admitted for inpatient mental health care for the first time? 00:09:34 How do early medication trials affect mood and behavior? 00:10:14 Why do inpatient nights sometimes feel terrifying? 00:11:16 What coping skills are actually taught during group therapy? 00:11:35 Why do some patients “mask” progress to get discharged? 00:12:06 How do safety incidents inside facilities shape trust? 00:12:41 What happens in the first days after discharge? 00:15:25 How did extended isolation reshape anxiety and routine? 00:16:01 Why can a normal drive suddenly trigger a full-blown panic attack? 00:17:03 How does a long vomiting-free streak feed emetophobia? 00:18:45 Why do panic patterns generalize into everyday avoidance? 00:19:59 When does radical honesty with clinicians become a turning point? 00:20:35 What does “regression” look like when leaving home feels impossible? 00:22:05 How can one reliable friend become a lifeline? 00:23:16 Why do school and work attendance collapse under severe anxiety? 00:26:31 Can planning a big life change create hope—or pressure? 00:28:08 What happens when daytime successes unravel at night? 00:30:09 When is a gap year an act of survival rather than delay? 00:30:26 What drives someone to sleep on a bathroom floor for months? 00:33:06 How can tiny exposure steps start rebuilding confidence? 00:33:13 What’s the difference between dizziness and feared vertigo? 00:34:54 Why do basic hygiene tasks become so hard during intense anxiety? 00:35:31 What does a weekly relapse cycle reveal about stress triggers? 00:35:54 How do new relationships test recovery progress? 00:39:53 How can a sudden ear symptom reignite health anxiety overnight? 00:40:21 What does the most severe phase of avoidance actually look like? 00:40:51 How do medication changes complicate symptoms and recovery? Topics: Phobias, Fear, Isolation, Anxiety If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. My name is Sally. I was born in North Carolina. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and my dad was a pharmaceutical sales rep. So she was home all the time, and he wasn't ever really around. He's a workaholic. So I was completely attached to my mom from the moment I could walk. I had separation anxiety like crazy. So getting me to school in the mornings was so hard. Getting me on the bus just was impossible. And then that anxiety kind of, I guess, built up to me getting OCD as well. And that turned into a

Metaphobia. So the first time I ever saw vomit, I was four years old sitting on my grandma's bed with my cousin. And we were watching a movie. And the girl in the movie, like the main character, she threw up. And I didn't understand what it was, but I just started having a panic attack. Really? Yeah. And it was so weird because, like, I had never seen vomit in my life. I don't know. Like, I didn't know why I was reacting that way, but she had to run and go get my mom because my mom was the only thing on the planet that could calm me down. So, we ended up moving to Texas when I was around six or seven years old. And again, school was so hard to get me to. They would have, like my mom would have to walk me to the classroom every single day. My teacher would have to peel me off of her. And it got so bad to the point where she had to get a job at my school. Um, like the principal was just like, we're hiring you because, you know, she, Sally needs to be at school. So she started teaching fourth grade when I was in third grade. And so I was, I was in third grade. And so I was, I was, was about to move up to her grade. But I would constantly go and hide under her desk on hard days. Like, I would just run out of the classroom and go under her desk like a scared puppy. So my anxiety was very not managed at this point. We had to go to therapy, but it didn't work. And medications just weren't as big of a thing back then, especially for people as young as I was. So finally, in middle school, I got a whole lot better out of nowhere. I was able to go to school on my own,

like, go hang out with friends. It was still really, really bad, but it wasn't, you know, to the point where I could not leave my mom's side at any point. And that continued up until I went into high school and we moved to another town in Texas. And I was complete, not completely good, but doing the best I ever had. My first really bad mental break since childhood, was 2019. I developed really bad depression out of nowhere. And it escalated very, very fast. And so over the summer, I had planned to go on my yearly trip to seaside with my best friend. And then my mom and I had plans to go out to California for a wedding. So I was like, okay, these two trips are going to be my last big hurrah. And then I'm going to commit suicide. So that was like your

plan in mind? Yes. Were you scared at all? I was, I was pretty, scared, but I mean, my mind was on a mission. Yeah. I could not do it anymore. Therapy just wasn't cutting it. I wasn't medicated. And so I just completely lost hope in life. I was like, there's no point. Did you feel just like sad and down all the time? It's, yes, but it's almost like deeper than a sadness. Like no escape out of that. I felt like I had dug myself into a hole that I couldn't get out of. Okay. So it was also like anger that I was alive, anger that my mom decided to have me, you know? Um, so just so many strong emotions for a 15 year old to have a lot to handle. And when I get those feelings, I just want to bail out. I want to be done. So my plan was very, you know,

planned out. So I had, my dad had a gun in his car, a pistol. And I was like, okay, mom's in New York. I'm to call him, tell him I need him to sleep over because I'm anxious, that was normal. I didn't want to be home alone. So he was like, okay, that's fine. So he comes over and my brother has his best friend over. And so I was like, I need to wait, you know, till 3, 4 a.m. when everyone's asleep, those three boys do not wake up for anything. So I was like, I'm in the clear as long as I wait till everyone's out. So I asked my dad at like 10 p.m. for the keys. I was like, hey, I need to grab something from your car. and then I just never gave them back to him. So around 3 a.m., I went out to his car and I grabbed the pistol and I put it up to my head. And then I was like, wait, what if the safety's on? I pull the trigger, freak myself out. And then for some reason, my metaphobia kind of tied into that. And I was like, I'll throw up from like that big of an experience. So I sat there and I went on YouTube and I looked up, how do you know if a gun safety is on or off? And I just could not get myself to. to watch any of the videos because I was like, well, what if it's wrong? What if I do the wrong thing?

And so finally, after like 10 minutes of sitting out there, my brother walks out. And it was really interesting because he, like I said, never woke up for anything. When he was out, he was out. And he was like, Sally, what are you doing? And then I just lose it. I grab the gun and I show it to him. And I kind of blacked out his face. I don't really remember what his reaction was, but his best friend came out as well. And they just sat there and like hugged me while I just sobbed my eyes out on our front lawn. Like I was laying there. And part of me was mad that they found me. But I think because I showed them the gun, because it wasn't in sight, part of me did not want to die, was too scared to die. So my mom got a call from him the next morning and my dad. And so she immediately,

She was in New York. So she immediately flew home. And my sister came over. My brother stayed there. My dad was there. The whole family. And my sister tells me, hey, Sally, we're going to go, you know, in front of a panel of doctors.

They're just going to give us the meds you need and then you're going to go home. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And she all of a sudden, you know, about two hours later, hey, I'm going to pack you an overnight bag. But it's just like, mom and I will stay with you. We're not going to leave you there. just in case they need to keep you overnight for observation. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Well, we pull up to this building in downtown San Antonio. And I had never seen it before. And it was

really pretty from the front. And so I was like, okay, maybe this is just the doctor's office. Well, there's a back. And we go around the back and it almost looked like a prison. It was really scary. And I see emergency intake or emergency impatient take. And I was like, oh, I know what's going on here. So I kind of accepted defeat, if I remember that right, and just, you know, walked in. I was bawling my eyes out. And we go in and they take me to this little backroom with my whole family. And my brother tells the main doctor what he experienced. And then my sister tells him, you know, what my brother had told her in case he trauma-blocked

any of it because finding your sister about to kill herself is horrible. So they tell their side of the story and then he takes me to a separate room. And I talked to a lady first and I was like, you know, maybe if I'm honest, they won't keep me overnight. They won't intake me. And then the main doctor comes in. I tell him the whole truth. And before I told him anything, he was like, hey, you know, we're not automatically intaking you. We're just going to like figure out.

And from what it seems like you're fine, but of course he has to say that because if he says, oh, you know, we're going to intake you, I would run away. Yeah. So finally at the end, he left the room, went and talked to my family and then came back and he was like, all right, so we've decided that we're going to keep you for a couple days. And leaving my mom, like all of a sudden, my separation just, or separation anxiety just came back full stop. It was, I can't even describe the feeling to you of knowing that you're going into a mental hospital. And, you know, I, this wasn't something I expected. Like I was a cheerleader. I had so many friends. I had an amazing, you know, family. And then all the sudden, I'm getting, like, I'm putting, getting put into this mental hospital. And when you watch shows,

you know, they're put in such a dark light. It's terrifying. So they're having to do all the intake things. I am just screaming. I do not want to be there. I'm pissed. I am sad. I'm angry. Like, there's just so many things going through my head. And then we get back into, you know, the main girls dorms. What would you like housing? Yeah. Something like that. And automatically I just see a ton of girls like sleeping on sleeping bags in the front room. And I just got an icky feeling. I did not want to be there. It was scary. And they take me to a room and typically of a roommate, but thank goodness I did not. I got my own room. And so I just sat on my bed and cried. But I was trying to be quiet about it. But obviously, when you're put in a situation like that, it's really hard not to bowl, like sob. So a nurse comes in

and she was like, hey, you need to go to sleep. And I was like, how am I supposed to go to sleep? When I was ripped away from my family, from my phone, everything, I'm cut off from anything. But eventually I finally got to sleep. And the next morning, they put me on my first anxiety medication. They put me on Prozac. And I honestly don't really remember anything from that day. but from what I've heard from my mom and my sister, I was almost a zombie. And then I started ripping my hair out, cussing at them, doing things completely out of character for me. So they took me off of that one and they put me on lexapro. And finally, you know, I started becoming cognitive again.

This was day two. Let me backtrack. There would be night screamers. So every single night someone would scrimers. scream. And it was like a horror movie. It was terrifying. And they would have to, I was told by the other girls, they would put them in a padded room and shoot them with a shot to sedate them. And so I was like, oh my gosh, this place is terrifying. Like, I genuinely thought I was going to die. And that's so dramatic, but I was really obviously mentally ill and scared for sure. So that happened

night one. And I was all alone in my room. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to die. night two i end up getting a roommate but she's a super sweet girl kind of same situation as i'm in now quick question are they doing this might be too soon in but when do they start kind of doing like evaluating and i guess like therapy in there so you are in therapy the whole time that you are there so there's group therapy where you have like a room of girls and kind of just learn coping mechanisms and then you have a one-on-one therapist and then you have a family therapist. Okay. So your family would come in, you know, depending on the duration that you're in there.

Well, once I got put on the Lexa Pro, I started faking everything I could to get out of there. So I was putting a smile on my face. When I would get evaluated by the main psych, I'd be like, oh, I'm doing so much better. That was just a fluke. I was drowning. I still wanted to kill myself very much. But of course, I'm not going to say that because I don't want to be there anymore. And I mean, it's designed to where you don't want to go back.

So you don't commit suicide or try again. And that night my mom came and I was like, hey, like, I think it's time for me to get released. And she tells me, no, you have to stay another day and started ripping out my hair again. Furious. I was so mad. I resented her. I didn't want to ever talk to her again. But obviously, that was a spur of the moment emotions.

So that night, there ended up being called, I think it was a code green. And one of the girls had gotten a hold of scissors from the nurse's station. And I believe she was chasing people around with them and, you know, trying to kill them, trying to kill herself. And I was scared because I was like, what if she gets in there? Because we can't close our doors, you know, for suicide safety reasons. And so I was like, okay, I really have to get out of this place now. So I stayed one more day, faked everything, kind of made. friends just, you know, in there. And then on day four that morning, I finally got released.

Well, two days after I got released, I ended up cutting myself. 13 reasons why was either had just come out or came out the year before. And I kind of took inspo from her, which is horrible. And I did it again at three in the morning. And again, my brother walks in. And he goes, what is going on. So he, I was, I had a trash can next to me. I was like grabbing, you know, pieces of my flesh and having to throw them away. So my arm was covered in blood. My bed was. And so my brother like drags me into my mom's room and she just starts yelling because she doesn't know what to do. You don't know what to do when you've never really dealt with this before. And so I just kept begging, please don't take me back to the mental hospital like pleading. And she was like,

okay, we are going to your therapist in the morning and we are going to talk to her and figure out what the hell we're supposed to do. So that morning, we go to the therapist and I remember just staring up at the ceiling. Like, it was literally, and she was like, what are you thinking? While my mom was talking and I was like, I want to be fucking dead. I don't know why y'all are keeping me here. I don't know why I'm forced to be alive right now, but I just wanted to be over. So I didn't end up getting readmitted, but they were like, if you try one more time, you're going back and you're staying longer. And that was honestly a good scare tactic because I didn't do it again. But on the downside, when you do something like this, obviously you have scars and you have blood. Well,

I still had to go to high school. I had to, you know, show up and I didn't cover my scars because I was like, oh, nobody will suspect that from me. But I go in and I end up getting my arm bandaged because a teacher asked me what's going on with you. And then, funny enough, I just found out this year from my friend that people had been suspecting. I never thought they were. But then a guy I hung out with once decided to tell a bunch of people that I cut myself because he ended it with me, even though I just had nothing to do with him. Yeah, it had nothing to do with him.

So really, when you do those visible suicide attempts, it's really hard, especially, you know, when you have a lot of friends and people are skeptical about it and people talk. So I didn't try anything again. And the Lexa Pro really, really started working. And it honestly worked wonders for me. So I was doing a lot better. well then obviously in 2020 COVID happened. But at this point, right before it started, like beginning of 2020 January, I was hanging out with people every single day. I had a social life again. I was so happy. I was never home. And then we're told we can't go anywhere. And I remember there

were days where I would just blow my eyes out. And I'd be like, I want to be in a classroom. I want to be with my friends, which is so funny because about I was fine. all the way through COVID, and then in the middle of 2021 is when everything started going downhill. So I had really bad anxiety, but the nausea wasn't really an issue for me yet. But on my 17th birthday, I was getting my driver's license. And I was with my sister, and we were in the car going into downtown San Antonio. I live on the outskirts. So we were about 45 minutes away from home and then all the sudden, I was like, oh my God, I'm going to throw up. And I start freaking out. And so I make her pull over at a gas station. And she herself has horrible anxiety. So when I have a

panic attack, she has a panic attack. And obviously that doesn't help when you're in this type of situation. So I tell her to pull over at a gas station and I'm in the bathroom. I'm hyperventilating. Obviously, this was a panic attack. But for me, I really and truly thought I was going to throw up. And I was like, I have nowhere to do it. I'm in the middle of the highway. How am I going to, you know, where am I going to aim this? Now, was this the first time that you'd ever thrown up or have you thrown up in the past? So I'm actually still on a 13-year streak of not throwing up.

So the last time I threw up was in fifth grade. And I mean, that was horrible, but there's really not a story to tell with it. Okay. But you still had this, like, fear around. Oh, yeah. And this is when it started getting really major. So we go to the gas station and I end up being fine. So we pull over to crumble cookies.

Well, with my luck, I stay in the car, a little boy outside crumble throws up. And so immediately again, I was like, I need to be with my mom. I need to go home. Separation anxiety flows back in. So I could not get a hold of myself. I mean, I was on Alexa Pro, but I didn't have any panic medications because panic attacks weren't happening really that often until then. So we finally make it home. And as soon as I step through my doorway, I'm fine. And the next day, my friends and I were all going to Topgolf.

We were in my friend Brandon's car and all of the sudden happens again. But I have to hold it in because I don't want my friends seeing a panic attack. Like that's embarrassing at 16, 17 years old. I mean, in reality, it's not embarrassing, but to me, you know, it was because I didn't want them to have to see that. So I'm holding in it. I'm spam texting my mom. I need to go home. I need to go home. So I tell Brandon, hey, we got to turn the car around. I have to go home. Like, I have to help my mom with something. And he was like, Sally, we've already driven 20 minutes into San Antonio. Like, I don't want to turn back. So I just took a couple deep breaths and held my composure. We went to top golf. I was fine. Good for you for getting through that. That's tough. Yeah, absolutely.

but the downside is that's when I started not wanting to leave home because I was like, okay, well, clearly every single time I leave, I have a panic attack. And that's how it works with anxiety and panic attacks. It's like, all it takes is getting it one time and then your body's like, let me have this happen every single time. Yeah, it's terrible. So I started not being able to leave the house again, or not again, just in general. So I take my driver's test, I pass. And so that was over with So about a week later, I had not left my house for a week. I just stayed in bed, didn't do anything. And luckily, you know, school was online for COVID.

And at this point, I wasn't really desocialized yet because my best friend would come over every single day and do school with me and I would have friends come over. I just couldn't go out with them anywhere. So like if they asked, if we could go get food, I was always just say, like, y'all can go. I'm going to stay here. Just kind of brushing it off. Did you, quick question? Did you make another appointment with your therapist in regards to the panic attacks to look into other medicine?

Yeah. I'd been seeing a therapist once a week and then a psych about once every one or two months. So the issue is at this point I was being fake with my doctors because I was still scared that I would get readmitted. I was still a minor. So I didn't want to mess with that. But finally, I was having a conversation with my therapist. And she was like, hey, you got to be honest with me. She was like, I'm not going to do anything. I just need to know what's actually going on. Because she could tell I was not doing okay.

I mean, it's pretty obvious. Did you tell her about the panic attacks and the feelings? Finally, I did. Okay. But not at first. Not at first. Okay. So kind of the final straw of it all is my mom made me leave the house after a week of not

leaving at all. And she was like, you're going to come to school with me and you're going to help me take things home. So I was like, no, I can't go. And she ended up, I don't want to say forcing, because forcing sounds like a bad word, but in the best way possible, kind of forcing me to go. And in the car, I was screaming. I felt like I had switched back into a four-year-old. I had no control. It was a panic attack, obviously. But again, I didn't know. Well, it's crazy, too, because I feel Like that's what shows that it was getting worse, the fact that it happened with your mom. Because, like, that was your comfort person. So it's like you would think, oh, if I'm with her, I'd be fine.

Absolutely. And that's totally how I thought it would go. But, I mean, I was just always so scared that I was going to vomit. And then I would have nowhere to do it in the car. So finally, I stopped leaving altogether. I had switched into in-person school because you can do either online or in-person. And I was like, maybe this will help me if I'm going to school every single day. But it didn't.

I would miss so many days of school. I would do online most of the days when I was supposed to be in person. And my mom would get calls like, hey, we're Sally. And she's like, I don't know. She had to work. And I was in control of myself. And I was letting my anxiety kind of completely suffocate me. Hey, guys, today's episode is sponsored by OneSkin.

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And now back to the episode. So thank goodness the school year was wrapping up when this really started. And finally, school's out for the summer. and that is when it really kicks into gear bad. I am not leaving at all unless it's for doctor's appointments. And when I would leave for these doctor's appointments, I would scream. I would do the whole thing. And I ended up meeting my best friend this year, or that year that it happened.

And she would come over every single day. Like Kobe was my safe haven. She didn't judge me. And I felt like anybody who I would come across would judge me. But yeah, she would come over every single day. She stayed in with me on the 4th of July. And these were all new developments for me because I was so used to like going out and having fun. So I really felt like, you know, a turtle trapped inside its shell.

But she made me feel better because I was able to, you know, do things. And even if it was just in the house, like I still had a friend. Well, Kobe leaves for college. And I am kind of on my own my senior year and we're forced to go back to school. So I had quit cheer because I knew that I would not make it to practices. I kind of quit everything in my life. I tried getting jobs, but the jobs that I would have, I would get fired from because I just couldn't show up.

I couldn't get myself there. I didn't have a ride. And even when I did, it was kind of like trying to go to school. And for my senior year, I ended up missing 65 days. And they just ended up, you know, instead of calling mom and asking where I was, they just let it go. I mean, what are you going to do? You can't force me to go because I will physically hold on to my bed and not leave. So, yeah, missed a bunch of school, started really isolating myself. I mean, I still had a lot of friends, but not as many as I did before because people were just kind of

getting annoyed with the fact that I would say no so many times. And to me, that wasn't fair because, you know, in my head, I know what I'm going through. But I was hiding it from them. I was keeping it from them. So obviously they're going to think, oh, she doesn't want to hang out with us. She just wants to stay at home. It's such a weird thing with anxiety that I feel like when it's happening in your own mind, there feels like there's so much shame and embarrassment around it. Even though it's like, you know, there's really not. Like, I feel like it's not that big of a deal to tell somebody like, you know, I really don't feel well. Like, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Like I'm having some anxiety. Just like want to give you a heads up. But in those moments, like in those

moments, it feels like you can't. Like, you rather just hide it. Because I think it is, it's, I think it's so annoying. It's, I think it's a shame within yourself, not even about the other people. I say that because I deal with that feeling too, especially like the nausea and feeling you're going to, like, pass out and throw up and you get like flu-like symptoms. Yes, exactly. And when you walk through the front door, it's so relatable.

Like, that literally happens to me. Like, when you walk home, like to the front door, you're like, gone. It's gone. Exactly. It's almost like you have this protection bubble. around your house. It's all in your head. And you really can't stop it.

Like, I don't think people that don't have anxiety understand that. Because even I'm all medicine and like there are still time. It helps. But it'll still happen. And that feeling, it's like you almost feel like flushed. Yes. All through your body. Yes.

And it's still to this point, like granted it doesn't usually happen if I'm with like a family member or really close friends that I'm comfortable with. Yeah. But even to this day, if it happens and I'm not super comfortable with somebody, I won't ever just be honest. and be like, I'm having anxiety right now just so you know, like, I'll just sit there and like be in my own head trying to like do my breathing and calm it down, which makes it worse. Exactly. No. And it's so frustrating because you're like, you know it your head. You're like, I'm fine. But yeah, that doesn't translate down to your body. And anyways, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. And people that I really don't think people that don't have it get it. Yes. Exactly. No, they don't. And. You know, I'll tell you about that later in the story because that was really evident.

I found that out very fast. So Kobe left for college. And alongside her, most of my friends were the grade above me. So I was left with the people in my grade. And I had a very different personality than a lot of them did. So I didn't really feel like I fit in anywhere within the kids in my grade. So I started isolating even more. Well, I decided that I was going to go to college.

college and I was going to join a sorority. So I signed and, or I did a application to University of Arkansas and I ended up getting in. And then, so obviously now I had something to look forward to. I was like, oh, you know what? I was still in denial. I did not think I was as sick as I was getting. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to do this. It's going to rip me out of this whatever weird funk that I'm in. And it's going to be so good. Well, we get to the end of senior year. We have senior walk, senior sunset, all of the things I had to miss almost every single senior event. And I almost miss graduation. I was like, I don't want to do this.

I'm too anxious. I don't want to throw up on the football field. So I almost didn't go. But then my mom was like, no, shove me out the door, put me in the car and made me go, which I really appreciate that. But yeah, I missed, you know, so many events, senior service day, all the things I was super excited for. But I was like, you know what? I have college to look forward to. I'm going to make so many new friends.

it's going to be a whole different chapter in my life. Well, it's time for orientation. And we were going to drive up from San Antonio up to Fayetteville and about 30 minutes into the drive, screaming, take me home. You can't do this to me. I'm 18. Like you're, you are not the boss of me anymore. But obviously, mom kept driving because she knows, she knew how this went after about 30 minutes, I would be fine. So we make it to. college orientation, I am having the best time. I'm making so many new friends and I was like, you know what, I really think I can do this. Well, that night, we had the option to stay in a hotel with our parents or we could stay in the dorms with all the kids. And I was like, you know what,

I'm going to stay in one of the dorms and I'm going to get like a feel of what college life is like. Well, the nighttime comes and all of us are hanging out. There's a big group. And four of us ended up separating and going to a different room. And while we were in there, boom, comes back. and I was blowing up my mom's phone. This was about midnight at this point. I was like, come pick me up right now. I cannot handle this. I cannot do this.

So she comes, grabs me. And yeah, we end up going back to the hotel. And the next day is orientation again, because it was a two-day thing. I was fine. I was completely fine again because, you know, that's how it works. It gives you hope. Gives me hope. Just rip it away again.

Yes. So I was like, okay, you know, this was a one-time. I'm fluke. Yeah. Well, summer keeps going and I keep, you know, getting worse without realizing it, going to the grocery store even less. And COVID was done with at this point, right? Yes. COVID was over.

Okay. Nobody was wearing masks anymore. And, yeah. So I just completely stopped doing anything at all. What would reschedule doctors appointments every single time? no call, no shows. I had gone blonde with my hair. I would make appointment after appointment. Cancel, cancel, cancel. And my poor hairstylist, she wouldn't charge me a cancellation fee because she knew how this went. And so I did have a lot of supportive people on my side, but also, you know,

after graduation, pretty much all of the friends I thought I had stopped talking to me. So it was about two weeks before it was move-in day for college. I hadn't bought anything from my dorm. I hadn't started packing anything. And that's when my mom told me, hey, have you ever thought of a gap year? And I really didn't want to, but part of me was so happy when I heard that because I was so used to the standard of, you know, like everyone goes to college right outside of high school. And I wanted to. I was so excited to, you know, be involved in things, join a sorority. I had already paid the recruitment fee, got all my letters of recommendation, but I just could not get myself to do it. So the gap year starts and I, my nausea started getting a lot worse and that is when I started sleeping on the bathroom floor.

So our bathroom floor is separated into. So there's a sink area and then a door and then a toilet and a shower. Well, the sink area was five feet long and two feet wide. So it was. It was a literally like a tiny prison cell. We live in a pretty small house and I have three siblings and two of them were living there but we all shared a bathroom and so they would have to step over at me at night or step on me at night and it was obviously so frustrating because that's supposed to be everyone's space but I could not get myself to get off of that floor for five months. I'm Anna Garcia, True Crime News, the podcast. Every week, we bring you in-depth coverage on cases making headlines, as well as those that go under the radar. Tune in for murders that defy explanation,

mystery seeking exploration, and shocking secrets that will leave you breathless. Each week, we honor the victims by going beyond the salacious in our search for justice. Crime never stops, and neither do we. Listen to True Crime News available now wherever you get your podcasts. Every night I was sleeping in there. When we would have company over, I would lock the door or, you know, they would walk in and I would be laying there. I had no shame at this point because I just, I was so exhausted and so tired. Yeah. And so I just, I would stay there.

Were you able to leave the bathroom during the day or it was day and night? Sometimes I would be able to leave the bathroom during the day, but mostly, mostly it was day and night. Were you eating? So at this point, I was still eating, but not enough. But I was still eating, you know, snacks and stuff. I would, you know, go out in the middle of the night and grab whatever I could find in the fridge or in the pantry. But I would never go out, you know, when my family was around or when we would have people over because I knew that would suck me into having to stay in the living room and I just couldn't handle that. So at this point, it is me in my phone 24-7. No human. interaction whatsoever really, except for my mom, you know, coming and checking in on me every once in a while. So, yeah, I would self-isolate so much. But, you know, I could still FaceTime with my friends. My friends would still like sometimes come over and I could be in my room with them, but I couldn't really do anything else. And you were still on Lexa Pro? I was still in Lexa Pro. That's mainly for

depression? That's, you know, it really works for my anxiety, but at this point it just stopped working for some reason. But I was still taking it because I knew I couldn't not be on anything. So from this point, we're at the end of 2022. I am, all I'm experiencing is the nausea. And that's an everyday thing. Well, finally, one day I wake up in 2023 and I'm feeling better. And I start going places. Little by little started leaving the house more and more. Like I would go with my mom to get donuts and we would push to go a little further, day. Well, randomly, in April, when I'm doing a whole lot better, I wake up one morning and I, you know how when you stand up from a bed too fast and you're like, whoa. Yeah, super lightheaded and I started feeling like that 24-7 wouldn't go away. Well, when I was 13, my aunt told me about her

having meneers and how she would get vertigo attacks and how they would be so bad that like she would have bruising on her neck from throwing up so aggressively. I was like, oh, great, you know. But I ignored it because I wasn't having ringing in my ears. So I wasn't scared of it. So I started going to the restaurant where my sister worked. And that kind of became, you know, my regular spot to go to. And eventually I started going so often that the owner offered me a job. And the job started in April. And I was having such a good time. I was making so many new friends. I was beer tending. So it was a brewery. And I was feeling like so grown up. And I was like, okay, I really want to go to college now. But I don't want to go to Arkansas because, you know,

I had bailed on everyone. I didn't want to experience that. So I applied to University of Hawaii and I got in and I started meeting the people who were going to go there and I got a roommate and I did all of these things. And then the nausea came back. And I slowly started not showing up for work, kind of showing the patterns that I had beforehand. And eventually I was house locked again, sleeping on the bathroom floor every single night again. Whereas before, you know, I had been sleeping on my bed, keeping my room clean, all the things that I couldn't do. And that was a really big issue for me too, was hygiene. It was so hard for me to, you know, keep my room clean or shower because I was scared, you know, in the shower. Am I going to pass out or throw up? I remember a girl

had told me that every time she brushed her teeth in the mornings, she would throw up because the toothbrush would make her gag. So I stopped rushing my teeth. And obviously, my teeth started, you know, getting into pretty bad shape. And one in specific had cracked in the middle. But I was like, it's fine, you know, not going to bother me, whatever. So really, like, I just wasn't taking care of myself again. And that's when I was like, okay, I can't do this job anymore. And this nausea was weird because it would come every week, but it would stop at around Thursday. I would be fine over the weekends and then Monday it would come back full stop. So I, like I said, was lying on the bathroom floor every night again, not leaving, not getting food, not anything. Well, that was only until the end of August.

So this happened about the beginning and then at the end, I started going out again. And I was, doing things even more than I was in the summer. Like I was going to parties with my friends. Well, at this, at one of these parties, I ended up meeting a boy. And I was like, you know what? I think I'm ready to date. Let me backtrack. Obviously, I was supposed to leave for college in August. And I was supposed to go to Hawaii. Well, all of a sudden, I just didn't go. I didn't say anything to them. I just didn't show up. Didn't pay tuition. But not because of the anxiety. You just weren't feeling it at this point? Or was like a little bit of the, it was because of the anxiety and the nausea because I was lying on this bathroom floor again. I was like, how am I, I was terrified of flying by this point.

I was like, how am I going to get on an airplane and fly the six hours to Hawaii and leave my parents when I'm in this bad of a situation? But then after deciding not to go, you kind of get better again. Yes. And then meet this guy. Yes. Okay. So this guy was really, really sweet. And I, you know, warned him about my anxiety. I was like, hey, so this is kind of what you're getting yourself into. I don't know if you want to do that. He was like, no, like, it's totally fine. So he would come over every single day.

I wouldn't be able to do anything. And I was like, okay, you know what? It's been a month and this is still going on. This doesn't feel like a real relationship. So I broke up with him. And then on the, I broke up with him the day before Thanksgiving. And then on Thanksgiving, I had a best friend. And we're going to call him Jacob. And we're still really close to this day. But he ended up coming over. And we kind of just talked. And we ended up

telling. So we became best friends in 2021. And we ended up telling each other that we had liked each other the whole time, you know, and just telling each other everything. And at this point, I was like, oh my gosh, like I think I'm in love with this guy. Like, truly, really and truly, like, I thought that I was in love with him. And so I was like, okay, you know what? This is my motivation. Like, I have this person that I love and I want to spend time with and I'm finally like happy. I'm going to be good. And so we end up like having a sleepover. And then he has to go back to college until Christmas break because he was home for Thanksgiving. Well, he comes home and he told me he had a Christmas present for me. And I was like, okay, perfect.

I'm so excited. We're going to hang out. Whatever. And then the day comes where he was like, okay, get dressed up. It's time for your Christmas present. Well, I ended up feeling horrible that day. Like, that was probably the worst I had felt in a very, very long time. And I was like, hey, I'm so sorry, but I can't come. And it turns out he had planned like this perfect date. and I remember that night, I was like, oh my gosh, how am I supposed to ever date again? Because if I can't go on a date with someone that I love and someone that I, like, you know, knows everything about me and that I'm comfortable with, how am I supposed to go on a date ever again? So that really had me down.

And I was like, you know what, this is telling me that I need to make a change. So January 1st, I drive myself all around town. And that was the first time, January 1st, 2024, that was the first time, you know, that I was able to do anything on my own. And I was like, okay, this is seriously, you know, when I get better. And so this happens for two days. And then all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I get a ringing in my ear. And I had remembered that my aunt told me with her Meneer's disease that it started with ringing in her ears. And I was laying in my bed.

I start having a panic attack. And in my mind, I started having real vertigo, even though mine isn't real. It's more like unsteadiness, dizziness. But in my head, I started having one of those. So I ran into the bathroom. And I did not leave the bathroom from January 3rd all the way until May. So I started sleeping on the bathroom floor. in January. But this time it was serious, more serious than it had ever been before. There were some

days when I wouldn't move for 24 hours. I would stay in a stiff board position on this floor for 24 hours straight, because I thought if I even moved my head an inch, that I would get a vertigo attack. I was not eating at all. I was not drinking at all. Okay, at all is a stretch. I eat a saltine when I needed to take my medicine. And at this point, I had been taken off of lexapro, because we had thought that was causing the dizziness. So I was taking lemotrogen and propranol, and that was it. Lamotrogen is a bipolar medication, which I do not have bipolar. So is lexapro, right? Or no? I honestly don't know. I have no clue. I take it for anxiety, but it could be. Maybe it's not. Is there another one that there's, I think there might be another one that sorts of

know. Probably. Um, okay, so you're on. And then the other one is for heart. So when I would get panic attacks. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I was on no anxiety medication at this point. That's surprising. Yeah, which I thought so too. And, but the heart one, you can only take it once. Right. Like when it's happening, right? It's not like a daily medication. I was taking it as a daily medication. Okay. But I could only take it, you know, once. a day. So, I mean, that wouldn't really stretch me throughout the whole day. Like 24 hours, yeah. Yeah. So my psych finally had given me Xanax to take, but I refused to take it because I had seen, you know, the people who were using Xanax recreational rather than prescribed. And I didn't

want to throw up. I was so scared of taking new medicines. So in reality, the reason I wasn't taking the medicines was because of me. Because she would constantly prescribe me new ones, but I just refused to take them. I would tell her I was, but I wasn't. So I was back to lying again. And I would just be like, oh, you know, they weren't working for me. So then she'd be like, okay, on to the next one. But in reality, I was just taking this too.

So I, yeah, was just eating one saline when it was time to take my medicine and then a sip of water with the medicine. And that's all I would have. And so I remember one time my sister. brought in a loaf of bread to me and I screamed at her because I didn't not even want to see the food. And I couldn't watch videos of people in cars. I couldn't watch videos of cars driving. I couldn't watch movies that had like lots of moving things in them. And this was in January. Well, I ended up getting getting to the doctor. Finally, at the end of January, I was feeling a little bit better.

And I was able to go to the doctor. And she, did a test for me about a vestibular issue in which she prescribed me with called benign proximital positional vertigo. So that's when you lay down at night and everything starts spinning. And so the test was positive, but really it was just my anxiety, but we didn't know that at the time. So I was like, oh my gosh, freaking out. And I told her, I was like, is physical therapy going to make me sick? And as a doctor, she had to tell me the truth. So she was like, there's, you know, a chance. There's always a chance. So you could not even say the words physical therapy to me without me having a real true panic attack. Anytime, like truly, any, anytime anyone out of those words,

I couldn't handle it. So the PT was calling me over and over, hey, like, we're trying to get you on the schedule. I would, I stopped answering them. I was like, no, I'm not doing this. So finally, I get directed to an audiologist. I was having full-blown panic attack in the audiologist office, I could barely do the hearing test because I was scared that was going to make me dizzy. Everything that I did, I was scared that I was going to make me dizzy. So she wasn't able to get accurate results on anything. And I kept going back and back, but she just couldn't get results with the way I was acting. But I couldn't control it, you know? It was just fight or flight mode because I would turn into a 12 year old every single time when I was literally 20, not even 12,

like an eight-year-old and I was 20 years old acting like this. So I was like, okay, do I have some like weird disease like schizophrenia or something? So that's when I started playing Dr. Google. And every time I would look up a symptom, I would convince myself I had whatever disease that came up. So, you know, I had brain cancer. I had like cell disorders, autoimmune disorders in my head. convinced myself of this. And so at this point, I was two months into isolation. And I genuinely, like, started feeling myself go insane. I started going into a deep dive of God because I really thought that, you know, if I just asked, if I just asked God, I would receive a miracle and a snap. And I didn't because I was still on this floor. And I would literally sit there.

and beg God to make it stop, and it wouldn't. So I would just constantly do my research of, you know, why does God perform miracles on some people and not on others? Well, then I got on a bad side of like TikTok, social media of like if you're experiencing something like that, you are not for God and you're like associated with the devil. And so I just lose it because I've been a Christian my whole life. And I would always just assume that I was a good Christian

and that I was going to get into heaven. Well, then I start having dreams that, like, the devil is attacking me. And these dreams became so constantly repeated that I learned how to, like, rebuke the devil in my dreams because my mind was, like, trying to latch on to something. Or I don't know if that's what it was, but it was just so weird. And so then I started cutting myself to, like, try and, you know, not think about the dizziness, not think about the religious fear that I had. And so, like, I just had cuts everywhere. And eventually, I knew I had to stop because that can't be a coping mechanism.

So I got a notepad that my dad had gotten me for the mental hospital. And I started using drawing as a coping mechanism. I would stick a pencil into that paper and just draw as hard as I could. And I would fill out the pages and fill them out. And when I was having panic attacks, that would help me a whole lot. And then I just started kind of getting crazy. and crazy, we're having these, like, weird delusions. And I remember one time, or one of these days, I walked out and I just sat outside. And I was like, okay, God, if you're real, show me. And I just sat out there for like 10 minutes, completely convinced that, like, God himself was going to come down and stand on the ground and be like, hey, Sally, I'm here. And I wasn't seeing that. And then, like, I convinced myself, it was so weird. Like, I was, like, looking at the trees. And I was like, oh, my gosh, like, God is revealing himself to me, like, in the tree.

and in the grass and in the bugs. And like I felt like I was like rising into like my angelic self, which is funny because this sounds like a manic episode of like religious delusion or whatever you call it. I don't know. And I texted my mom and I was like, mom, God's not real. Like before I started seeing this and she was like trying to calm me down. And she was like, no, like, you know, Sally, you're just anxious and da-da-da.

And I was like, no, he's not. And Satan is going to get me and I'm going to die. and I saw this thing online and it was kind of one of the only things that helped me. And it said, if you believe that Satan is real, why wouldn't you believe that God is real? Because Satan's a fallen angel. So anyways, yeah, I went outside and had that divine intervention. And I texted my pastor and I was like, hey, I want to get baptized. Like, I just found my testimony.

Like, God just saved me right here. And I mean, it's just funny kind of to look back because I was really and truly trying to latch on anything I could, that would tell me that this was, you know, going to be over pretty soon. So I started watching testimonies because I was trying to find anywhere I could to believe that God was real. Because after that little divine intervention, I went right back into the God's not real. And I don't know how to prove that he's real. So I started looking up testimonies and I started looking up like podcasts. And funny enough, that loophole led me to years, but that'll be later on.

And I would just try and find, and I found near-death experiences. And so I would binge watch those. And I was always just kind of jealous of those people that they actually got to, you know, like see what it was like after we died. And on one of those testimonies, the guy in the beginning said, hey, put your name and number. You know, there's a survey down below and we will connect you with someone who can talk to you about God. Like if you need it, it's like a religious crisis.

line. So I ended up calling it. And this lady talked to me, you know, for about two hours, just about everything, but it just still hadn't convinced me. And it was so weird. And finally, I went on Reddit of all places and looked up Reddit slash Christianity. And I was able to kind of, you know, I wrote out a whole message and people kind of like were able to talk to me more of a language that I would understand. And I finally snapped out of it. All of that was happening. February. Well, at the beginning of March, out of nowhere, I got a pain in my back. And I wake up at like 5 in the morning and I was like, oh, no, like it's fine. You know, I'm probably about to start my period. Well, I wake up at 9 in the morning in the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life in my lower back.

So I had started texting my mom and I had started texting my mom's boyfriend because he had become a really big support system for me. He was there for me. He took me to every single doctor appointment. I would spam text him when I was getting panic attacks because he stayed up later than my mom. And for some reason, spam texting was a really big help for me. So I'd be like, help, help, there would be like a hundred messages, but it helped me kind of express my feelings and get that anxiety out that side note. Anyways, so I call my stepdad and I was like, hey, I'm having really, really bad back pain. What is going on? I need to go to the hospital. And that was crazy for me to say because I never voluntarily went to the doctors, let alone the ER where there could be people

vomiting. So I go out in my brother's in the living room and I'm like, James, I don't know what to do. What do I do? And he was like, you're just having, you know, cramps. Like both of them had told me to just stretch out. Well, I start stretching makes it worse. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to throw up. And so I text Mark, take me to the hospital right now. So he comes over. I grab a whole trash can and five amesis bags. And those are those bags that they have at the hospital that you can throw up in. And we get to the first, we go to an emergency room about 30 minutes away from home. and we go in and I start screaming. Somebody sedate me.

And they end up doing, like, they take me back to the room. And I'm literally, like, I just want to curl up on the cold doctor floor. I didn't care about germs or anything, which was huge for me because obviously I'm a hypochondriac. And so they come in and I keep saying, give me Zofran, give me Zophran. Because I forgot to mention that, I started taking both Zofran. And my first anti-nause medicine I was taking was compasine. And compasine was really good. But then I started getting these tongue spasms.

So, like, my tongue would not stop moving in my mouth. It was the weirdest thing ever. So they switched me to promethazine. And those two really helped. Helped lessen my anxiety. But I was still, you know, not doing well. I was taking up to, like, five, six sophrains a day when really you should only be taking one to a week.

So anyways, like I'm begging them to pump me with Zofran. I'm like, I'm going to throw up, whatever. So they were like, first we're going to give you morphine. Well, morphine is sometimes known for making people sick for it being too aggressive. She pumped it into me and I started getting that feeling in your throat. And I was like, I remember crying and then all of a sudden, because I knew it was about to happen. But I kept swallowing and swelling. And my body had been so used to holding back stomach bugs that I was able to

stop myself from throwing up. And they pumped me with Zofran and then two medicines. All of a sudden, I'm awake at, at that point, it was 9.30 in the morning. In a snap, I was awake. It was midnight and I was in a hospital bed at the big hospital in San Antonio. And I had asked my mom what happened. So I ended up peeing. It was like, it was all blood, straight blood. And so they had to operate on me twice. I had a kidney stone that had lodged in my urethra, completely backed up the infection into my kidney and then into my bladder. So it was a triple infection and I had somehow avoided throwing up, which is insane because people don't not throw up when they have kidney stones.

Yeah. Do they know how long that that had been going on? Or does it happen just like random? It just happens random. You get the pain out of nowhere. It's actually quite scary. Yeah, and then you just need the surgery? Like pretty immediate?

Most people don't need surgery. The reason I needed it was because they needed to, you know, break up that kidney stone because it was backing up all of the infection and fluids into, you know, my organs and that could eventually lead to kidney failure. And that's irreversible, I think, I don't know, if I remember my research correctly. But anyways, so, yeah, I've. woke up randomly in the hospital bed. I was peeing blood every two seconds. And finally, I get discharged and I'm put on these really intensive antibiotics and then coding for pain and whatever else.

And for some reason, this kidney stone was the turning point for me of, you know, getting back to normal. So which is surprising because I feel like it could have gone the other way. And that's what I was expecting. Yeah. Because for some reason when I was having this intense of pain, it took my dizziness away. So I was not dizzy for the three weeks that I had this kidney stone. So for some, well, for some reason, I was terrified of drinking water. It would make me so nauseous, but the only way to flush out a kidney stone is drinking water. So I would drink maybe a cup a day. My mom would like yell at me because she had to, you have to drink water because this started in the first place because I wasn't eating or drinking anything. And all I was eating were saltines and that's salty. So, yeah, I couldn't

force water down my throat. So she was just trying to get any liquid into me that she could. Well, finally, they had to schedule surgery because it had been three weeks and the stone was not coming out of me. It was hurting me. And so we drive into San Antonio again and I get the surgery. I get it out. Well, the dizziness comes back. And it's honestly worse than it was before. But also, I had gotten hope because I knew that it wasn't constant. Like if there was something going else or something else going on, it would go away. So I started alternating.

So when I was nauseous, I wasn't dizzy. But when I was dizzy, I wasn't nauseous. So it was kind of almost like fake sounding. Like, this doesn't sound real, but it was very real for me. And so that's when I started wondering if it was psychosomatic. But it was weird because the dizziness would not go away unless I was in some sort of excruciating or scary pain somewhere else. So I get the stone out and the dizziness comes back. So it was April and we were getting a solar eclipse in Texas.

And I was super excited because my mom's best friend who loved astronomy who was coming over and bringing his telescope and it was just going to be a lot of fun. And so he decided the first night he wanted to take me out to see the stars. So it was going to be super fun. So he was giving me a little lesson on like the stars and the planets and stuff. And then all of a sudden he starts talking about the Earth's rotation. And then he started talking about how the Earth spins really fast. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

And so in my head, I could feel it. You clung onto it. Yeah. I clung onto it. And I was, again, now scared to move. I was sitting on the bathroom floor in the fetal position bawling my eyes out because I can't stop the world spinning. Like, nobody can stop it from spinning. And so I start researching on Reddit.

Can you feel when the earth spins? And the people obviously were like, no, the earth is so big. Like, that's not possible. But I felt it and I was sure of it. Well, your mind can make you feel and think anything. It's so powerful. It is so powerful. It's crazy.

And so I obviously clung on to that and I would not move. I would not eat. I would not sleep. And that is something that I started really struggling with was staying up all day and all night, getting no sleep at all. There were points where I would stay up for 54 hours because I was too scared to shut my eyes. Because when I shut my eyes, it felt like things were spinning. And when I was scared that I would wake up in the middle of the night vomiting.

So I was number one delusional from getting almost like no sleep every week. And obviously in this really bad mental state and still sleeping on the bathroom floor. So I remember that day I was supposed to walk to the gas station just to like get a drink and, you know, try and get myself out because I wanted to feel better. But as soon as I started walking, it felt like I was watching the sidewalk move up and down. because I was so convinced. And finally, I found this video of this man. And he was like, imagine a tennis ball was rotating, you know, as the earth would. And he was like, it would go so slow because you have to rotate it one time around in a whole day in a 24 hours. And for some reason, that really helped me because I got an actual ball and I did it. And I was like, okay, that takes

forever. There's no way I could feel that. Well, then my mind decided to do, oh, your house is spinning, which is the weirdest thing ever. But I was so convinced that my house was rotating around over and over, super fast. Like Wizard of Oz. What? Like Wizard of Oz. Yes, exactly. That's exactly how felt in the storm clouds, yeah. Yes, exactly. And so it was just so weird. So I would literally text mom and I would be like, the house is spinning right now. And she's like, no, it is not, Sally. And I was like, yes, it is. I would have to check the ring camera. And I would have to make sure that we were staying still, but I was convinced that the ring camera wasn't recording. And so I would literally, like, sit in the fetal position. I stopped eating completely. Stop drinking anything completely.

Like, I was dead set on this idea. And it was ruining my life. Well, finally, my brother is like, hey, Sally, I really think that you should try and take his annex. And I was like, will it make me throw up? And he's like a mega genius. And he said, no. So I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. So I take one and my dizziness stops. It's gone. My panic is gone. It was the weirdest thing. And I was like, what is happening? And I, it ends up wearing off because I took half of a 25, or point, not 25 milgram. I was going to say, no, damn, girl. Yeah. Zero point 25 milligrams. So I took what, point 12, something like that. Um, 12 or point. One, two, five, whatever, you know what I'm saying.

So I start taking one every day. And there is massive progress in what I'm doing. I'm sleeping in my bed some nights. It was very rare. But like I would start sleeping in my bed some nights, but mostly full time in the bathroom. And then I moved like it stopped working. So I moved up to one singular. 0.25 milligram pill.

And it started working again. but if I wouldn't take it on time, I would, you know, start feeling really dizzy, feel like everything was spinning. So if I took it, I wouldn't have those thoughts. But if I didn't, they would very much be there. So do you think that it was actually helping or do you think it was placebo? I think it was actually helping. And I still take it to this day. Yeah. I mean, XNX works. Yeah. Absolutely. Not that I'm promoting it, but like it works. I mean, look, I think it's one of those things that I'm all for medicine if it helps you, you know, and I even tell people whether some medications are placebo or not, if it's helping you get through the day. Yes.

Take your pills. Absolutely. I do want to backtrack to January. At this point, eating had become a really big issue for me. So I started to only eat things that were, you know, neutral colored. So I couldn't eat anything blue or red in specific because I was scared if I threw up and it was moldy colored. That was going to terrify me. Yeah.

So I couldn't do oatmeal because it looked like vomit to me. It had to be, you know, bread, saltines. Just very like plain, basic. Yeah. No color at all. Like the color of linen paints. But then you probably weren't even getting any like nutrition, right? No nutrition.

So I dropped from a hundred and, 139 pounds to 120 from January to April because I just seriously was not getting anything whatsoever. So, yeah, I wanted to backtrack to that. Well, I, where was I? Then you started taking the Xanax. You're up to the 0.25 and it was helping. And it was helping. And then I started doing two a day of those.

And then I finally built up to 3.2. five's a day. And that's where I'm at right now. And it really helps, but I have to take one in the morning, one midday, one at night, or, you know, when a dizziness episode kicks in. Well, May started getting a little bit easier for me. And finally in June, I felt comfortable enough to have people over. This is June last year. June of last year. Yes. Well, a really good friend from my past was coming over. And for some reason, the thought of someone coming over that I was excited to see, like, anything that excited me made me like more nauseous than I had ever been. And I believe this was because I was excited on an empty stomach. And when you're nervous and excited, that's a lot of, you know, like butterflies in your stomach.

So I was freaking out. And so he comes over and I can't think straight. I'm so nauseous. I have that bad feeling in my throat. my mouth's watering. And so I was like, I have to find a way to kick this guy out. I cannot have him here. And this was my first interaction with someone who was not my family since that Thanksgiving

day with that boy. Same guy or different guy? Different guy. This one, we were just friends. But I was still just like super excited, you know, to finally be reconnecting with people. Well, eventually, like I was so just anxious that I, I, you know, kicked him out. I was like, hey, you got to go. And so that was really discouraging, which kind of knocked me down again. I forgot to mention something super important. The summer of

2022, I started doing TikTok live. Okay. And I was really frustrated before that because I could not make money doing anything because I couldn't have a job. So I was building a community and I was actually doing pretty good and making, like, good money. So I was able to, you know, interact with people the summer of 2022. I was able to, you know, kind of like get back up on my feet by things that I wanted. But that was all, like, virtual online. You're doing TikTok lives. And then I'm assuming you stopped doing that, like fell out of it when things got worse again. When things got worse now. So I kind of, yeah, you can kind of understand. I mean, I think, too, it does just kind of go to show that even things that at one point were making you happy and that you loved, like it really,

the ways that you were feeling, like the sickness that you were feeling and the anxiety was just taking over everything. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, that was really hard because that was the thing that I found joy. Yeah. But I would start the video camera and then I would start feeling nauseous. Right. And, you know, there could be 800 people in there at a time.

And I'm like, if these 800 people see me vomiting, that's like life ruining. Yeah. So I stopped doing that. that. And again, with the isolation, that's kind of like when all of that lit up. But anyways, back to 2024. Yes. So you're thinking about, I need to get this boy out of here. Yes. So I kick him out and then immediately, you're starting. Oh, no. No. I was fine immediately after he left. But I was just like, defeated. Yeah. Yes. And I, there was one more thing I wanted to mention back in January. I ended up telling Jacob that, you know, I was like, hey, I can't stop thinking about you.

I know, you know, this is tricky right now, but like, I really, really like you. And this was my first time really being bold towards a guy. So I was, like, super nervous, but I was like, you know, with the way the conversation in the night went, I think that it'll be okay because I truly could not stop thinking about him. And he ended up telling me, you're so much, like, you can do so much better, whatever, but you know when you hear that from a guy, it's like he just doesn't want you, but he's trying to be nice about it. And that night, like, I just broke down because I was thinking, if someone that I love and who has seen me through pretty much all of this can't still like me through it, how am I ever going to find a husband? How am I going to have kids, you know, when I can't take care of other people who are sick? Like, I cannot be around it. So that kind of, like, sent me down a spiral.

Because I want to be loved. Like, I have. want to have love and stuff. But when you bring up this situation to a guy or when like they see it firsthand, you know, it's really hard. And I get that because like you want a two side of relationship, but it was really hard to, you know, give my all because I was just so like I couldn't do anything. Yeah. So I remember like watching the notebook that night and just bawling and I was like, I'm going to be alone forever, you know. Never going to have this. Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm never going to have this, whatever. But that really was, like, such a hard night.

It's sad. Yeah, like, I had to see him with a new girl, like, the next month and he got a girlfriend. And it just, it was truly, really, really, really hard to see because it started showing me the realities of what this can do. I think, too, it's so easy to just, like, blame yourself and to feel like, I think when something like that is, you know what's in your head and you just can't fight it. It does feel defeating. It's like, do I just give up?

Like, what do I do? Exactly. So, yeah, I was kind of at that point because how was I going to have a life after this? Yeah. And I really felt like I had just, you know, dug myself, again, dug myself into an even deeper hole. And I was not going to climb out of it. I was like, I was talking to my therapist one day. And I was like, hey, you know, I do not know what to do.

I do not, I feel like I'm at the end of a cul-de-sac, and I can't get past it. You know, there's no road. So I truly felt like an animal in a cage. And there were nights where I would just yell for my mom because I was so unsocialized at this point. And this is back in January. That's okay. I just kind of recalled it all as I was talking. I felt like a caged animal.

And I remember, I had fully convinced myself. that I was in hell. I watched that show The Good Place. Have you ever heard of it? And I had fully convinced myself that I was in a situation like that where I was actually in hell because, you know, I love talking to people. I love being involved. But I couldn't do any of that because I couldn't be around people.

So anyways, yeah, that guy comes over. I kick him out because I just can't handle it. And I'm isolating again. and I'm kind of back to square one, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was in January and February. So this was June. And, you know, I'm going on walks. I'm finally forcing myself. I can't go past my street, but I'm able to go up and down my street.

So that was good. Things were okay. I mean, still sleeping on the floor, whatever. And then came my brother's 21st birthday. And he was... got obliterated. And he was, you know, could not stop vomiting when he got home. And I, like, ran out of the front door and I refused to come inside. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to sleep in my car. I didn't, and this had happened, you know, when I was a little kid, when my siblings would get

stomach bugs, I would, like, run out of the house. So, yeah, anyways, kind of anxiety came back full stop after seeing vomit for the first time and so long isolating myself from it. Well, I had a boy who I had been texting because I would go on a hinge just for fun and he had sent me flowers in the mail. And I remember just even thinking about those flowers coming in the mail like made me want to puke my guts out. Like literally just anything human interaction wise that included like boys, it made me want to throw up. So the last month of really bad was July, and this is when we start the turning point. So 4th of July, my mom and I were going to watch the fireworks in a church parking lot across from my house. I couldn't even walk there. I literally laid in the fetal

position in the grass and just screamed because I was so scared to be out of the house. Well, then all of a sudden, about two weeks later, my brother comes in town. And my brother is my best friend because obviously, like, he's seen me through everything, including the really bad parts. And I was able to go with him to lunch. And we spent the whole day out. And then we went to church the next day. And I was so completely fine with him.

And at this point, I was back on Lexa Pro. And that was making the biggest difference ever right away. It was amazing. So now that I have talked about. you know, the really bad things. I kind of want to give an explanation about what a metaphobia is and agoraphobia too, because I don't think those words are used nearly enough. So a metaphobia can come in a lot of different forms, but it's the fear of seeing someone throw up or throwing up yourself. Okay. So either you can have one or the other or you can have

both. In my case, I have both. So it, I understand, like, when you have it, like, you understand that nobody likes to be around throw up. Nobody likes to see it. Like, it's gross. But this is on a much more intensive level to where you go into full panic attack, fight or flight. So like, for example, I've had a couple of probably two stomach bugs, but I'm on a 13-year no vomiting streak because my body does everything it can possible to hold that vomit down. Yeah. Nobody likes throw up, but this is on like a times one billion.

It's stopping you from living your life and doing anything. Yes. Yes. If you, no, if you, okay, if you're scared of heights and you go up in a helicopter and somebody tells you here's a parachute jump down. Yeah. You're not going to want to do it if you have a deathly fear of heights. Deathly is kind of a strong word. Okay. If you have really bad fear of heights. So it almost is like that for me, but with vomit, I can't, I will avoid any situation that I can to be around it to, to do it myself. So that's what that is. And the negoraphobia is the fear. of leaving the house. So I remember as a kid, I would watch, I think it was the sandlot, and there was a guy in that movie and he was afraid of the sun and he stayed in his basement all day long. And I was like, man, I would hate to be that guy. And then it was kind of like me because I was afraid to go outside and I slept in my little dungeon all day. So it's the fear of leaving being out of control. So something like that, leaving the house mostly though,

like leaving your safe space. So I remember reading a bunch of TikTok comments when I was chronically online a lot. And people would say like, oh, this is made up. Like these two things are BS. Like vomit is just a liquid. You'll get over it. Now, did you discover both of these terms from the doctors or from your own research? Both.

Okay. I would research it and then I would tell my therapist about it. And she would confirm. Okay. But people were writing that it was made up. Yeah. So like if somebody talked about them, you know, running away from someone vomiting, the comments would be like, oh my gosh, like you're so dramatic and like this guy, this generation's so soft. But the thing is we cannot control it. Like this is not something that we picked or something we're doing for attention. You don't want to feel this way. No, I would do anything to not feel this way. But I mean, it's reality.

So like if I don't have my own car still something. times if I'm driving with going with friends somewhere. I get anxious. Right? Because I need a way out. You need the control. Exactly. That if like if it really went south, it's like if you drive, once again, back to

the date conversation, it's like, especially at first one, it's like, yeah, I'm good. I'd rather meet you there. Even though like the normal, nice romantic thing is, oh, let me pick you up. Please don't do that. You don't do that. And also, if you're going to cancel, like, that's totally fine, you know? How terrible is this? Yeah.

And it's crazy because you have this like 50-50 of like part of you is like, oh, if you cancel great. But then the other part of you is stags. You're like, well, this actually probably would have been really fun. Exactly. No. Especially when the time is up or like even when you first walk into your house, you're like, dang, I totally could have done that.

Literally. It's the sudden you walk out. That's what I was saying. It's like it's not. I don't for some reason though, it's like your logical brain does not work when you're having these like anxious moments or panic attacks or whatever. No. It's like it doesn't matter. Your brain, I think, thinks that if you do this thing, you are stuck there for eternity with that feeling. Exactly. Rather than like this could be just like a nice casual thing for a couple hours, few hours. Even if it is your friends driving you, you're not stuck in this place, but your brain tells you that like you're going to die.

Oh, exactly. And you get the flu. Like sometimes again, like it's, it's every single time and it's funny because it's right when you walk out of your front door. Literally. And the craziest thing is like even if absolute worst case scenario, even if you're with a group of friends and you got sick and you're throwing up. Who cares? Who cares? Because people without a metaphobia, like I've heard my friends are like, oh yeah, we hold up our friend's hair and it doesn't bother us. Yeah, they don't. People don't care if you get sick or if you have the flu or if they take you home. But in my head, it's like you're terrified of it. She's terrified of it. Like everyone's terrified of it. But that's not reality, you know, but your brain can tell you these things and it's crazy. horrible. Yes. And so it is definitely hard sometimes because I'm like, am I making it up? You know, because of these comments, but the fact is I'm not, you know, and it is truly something that can take away your life, especially with me dealing with it from 17 to, you know, I just turned 21 and I'm doing a lot better. So I would say to 20, it is so hard because these are the years that like all your friends are going out and you watch them going to the bars and like meeting these people. College.

Yes, college. It was so hard. I remember like I would have these days where I would just tap through my friend's stories and I had to delete social media for a little bit because it hurts so bad, you know, to see people getting to do all of the things that I was so excited to do and cut it. And it could be as big as, you know, going away to college because that's a huge milestone or as simple as going on a date with a guy. Exactly. It's like not, doesn't matter how big the event is. It's like it pretty much took over everything. I mean, like I said before, even your hobby. You know, like the cheerleading, even the TikTok lives. It's like it literally, it clung onto everything. Like it took away any joy. It almost felt like a hurricane, you know, that just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then finally, now that I'm out of it, it's like it passed. Yeah. And it's almost like I can't remember so much of it because your mind blacks it out because

it's just so sad. You know, like I feel like I've wasted so much of my life, even though I'm only 21 and there's so much to go. Right. So how did you get to where you are now? So funny enough, like that after my brother and I went up. So you were fine with him. Yeah. He started him and my stepdad were my two safe people at this point. And the only reason my mom wasn't is because I knew she would have forced me and she wouldn't turn back home if I needed it. So I actually met my best friend through TikTok Live and she had said, hey, do you want to come up to Houston? to come visit me. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to do it. And my brother was friends with her

as well. So he was able to come up with me. And so after that trip, things just kind of kept going and going. August was really my month. I started going on trips, started going everywhere that I could. And when I tell you, it was the most freeing thing on the planet. Like I was- Makes you feel normal. Yes. There's this song by Sasha Sloan called Normal. And I would listen to you. listen to it. And it literally like described it, but not in that way. But I felt like a normal early 20s girl again. And it felt amazing. And so finally, I am, I bought tickets to an artist that I loved. And I was worried about it because I was like, what about the flashing lights and the loud music and all the people? Well, I was literally on the bar in the very front row,

tons of people behind me and having the best night of my life. So, I was still struggling a little bit, but I was no longer sleeping in the bathroom. I was in my bed. I wouldn't leave some days, but most days I would. And things just got so much better. And I started reconnecting with people. And they would tell me, Sally, we didn't stop being your friend because of this. We stopped being your friend because we didn't know and we assumed that you just didn't want to hang out with us. And that is the hardest part, I would say, or one of the hardest parts is people. disconnecting because you are in reality the one separating yourself from everyone, especially if you're hiding what's really going on. They were like, we would have totally understood if we knew the extent. And still, most people don't know the true extent like I'm sharing on here. But even if you just let them know, hey, you know, this is kind of what's going on, it could completely change the narrative for them. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think that that's something, you know, even though like I was saying mentioned before, that in those moments, communications,

seems impossible. Yes. And like the last thing you want to do, I think that there really is a power in just saying exactly how you feel. Exactly. And you know, it's crazy because I met a girl on, another girl on TikTok that had the exact same things as me. The only difference is that she would stay in her room and not the bathroom, the dizziness,

the nausea, the not leaving the house at all. And I was like, oh my gosh, there are other girls out there like me. you know, and it just felt so good. And while I was really sick, I would search for a metaphobia podcasts, you know, especially with girls my age. And there could be some floating out there, but I didn't find them. And so I felt so alone until I finally started finding people, you know, that may have not struggled as bad or they may be worse than me. But I was like, oh my gosh. And that's when I knew I really want to speak on this. Yeah. Because I want there to be awareness around it. And I want people to like stop making fun of people who are you know scared of it because it's real and we don't

choose this and i want them to know that it's okay because it happens you know and there is a way out if you are you know down in this deep hole there is always better days ahead right when it comes to this phobia like you will get out of it whether you relapse or not there's always an end to it And so suicide is not necessary, and that's like a big thing. So finally, this year, I am moving out of my mom's house at 21. Congratulations. Thank you. And I am actually moving in with the best friend that I got to see was the first person I went to visit.

And, you know, it's just like I'm able to go to physical therapy now. And I'm able to go to doctor's appointments now without anxiety. Like, I mean, once in a while, I will get it. Like sometimes I have, you know, bad days, but nothing like I did before. And it was crazy because like I told you, in March of last year, I was in the hospital with a kidney stone not leaving my bathroom floor. March of this year, I was in Europe. I was in France and Switzerland and just traveling around living your life.

It is truly incredible how much can change in one year and even in a month. Like going from not being able to cross the street to going all the way to here. Houston. Like, that was such a big deal. You know, kind of going back to what you said about suicide, I think that serves as so much hope because it does show that things really can completely make a 180. Oh, my gosh. Absolutely. Life has so many twists and turns that you could never expect. Yeah. And, you know, like, if I would have committed suicide, I would have not been able, you know, to advocate for people with a metaphobia, agoraphobia. Like, you wouldn't have been able to see, literally like the light at the end of all of it.

Yes. And that is exactly what it felt like is the light at the end of the tunnel when I finally, you know, got over this. Yeah. And I was going to say as well, you know, even when you mentioned that, of course, you have some bad days or even if somebody's going through this and they go back to like their lowest point. Yes.

You know, I think for you, you have this hope and this understanding now that even if you have those moments or those periods in your life. life, you know that I've gotten to a point where I'm totally okay. So if I did it then, I can do it again. Exactly. So I think that it kind of serves as that hope for you that even if there's times or periods, it's like don't give up because even though it's, it sucks and it's the worst thing ever, you know that you've done it before and you've gotten out of it before so you can get out of it again. No, absolutely. And especially when it comes to, you know, having a family, having kids. The other month, actually, my mom collapsed and ended up vomiting and I ran out of the

house. And that was probably the worst I've ever felt about something because I'm like, if I can't help my own mother, how am I supposed to help my husband? How am I supposed to help my kids? Well, I was able to go outside, but I still called 911. And I was able to get her help. There is always a way to help someone. Even if it's in a situation, you feel like you absolutely can. and not handle. And you know, it's something to where it's like everyone is so different. Yes. And it comes back to communication because I do believe when you meet the right person, you share these things with them. And if when you have kids one day, maybe you have that communication together where like if your kid throws up, like, look, I personally don't know if I can handle it, but you navigate it.

And maybe the guy handles that part of, you know, but there's so many other things. Like I just feel like there's always a way and it really does not feel that way or seem that way in your own mind, especially when you're dealing with these different struggles. But I think that it, I mean, you speaking out about it not only gives the knowledge around, you know, your specific struggles, but it also does serve to show people that there's always a way to fix it or work on it or improve it. And it does. And I always want to say, too, that obviously, the anxious thoughts and the panics are very extra and dramatic for no reason, as we know. But it is important to listen to your gut.

And it is important to only do what makes you comfortable. So if there's a day that you want to go out with your friends and have them drive and you're ready to do it and you're feeling good, good. Do it that day. But if tomorrow you're faced with the same opportunity and you don't feel it, don't do it. Exactly. Like I think it's important, like, while yes, don't ever or try not to let it ever stop your life. Yeah. I do think that, you know, we still do have these feelings and these gut instincts for a reason.

They're there because our body thinks that it's protecting us when we don't always need it. But, you know, I think it's okay to like give yourself some grace. I think it's just, it's a tough subject because, you know, like we've obviously mentioned a lot. it, unless you have it, I don't think you really get it. No. But your story just shows that you can be at your lowest and you can also be at your highest. Absolutely. And I want to share one piece of, you know, words that my therapist said to me that really kind of changed the game for me was your life is like a river. It's going to keep, you know, life goes on with or without you. Either you choose to stay still and not do anything, not get help, and your water gets stagnant and it gets gross and no change

is happening and it's not going to happen. If you, You're flowing. Your river is thriving. You have salmon going through it. If you keep doing things and making, like, of course, like you said, a balance. But if you are, you know, making yourself go out once in a while, that's going to help you, you know, get better and realize that you are going to be okay, you know, going on dates, hanging out with friends.

And I really like that analogy. I don't know if it would stick with anyone else, but just personally for me. Yeah, I think it's great. And I think, too, like therapy, talking about it, working with yourself and kind of, I don't like the word for forcing, but like encouraging yourself to do those things. Yes. You know, like that's great. But also, if medicine can help you, take the medicine. Take the medicine. That's such a big thing. It's like anxiety medication could help so much, you know. Yeah. Yeah. So I definitely think that's really big. And also just not being able or not being like embarrassed to talk about it because

the fact is so many people who don't speak out on it really are struggling sometimes. Like I would have never guessed you had anxiety. But if you talk about it, like, you could relate to someone and help maybe them feel better or it's just not something that you need to feel embarrassed about. And I think it's so important to know that. And in a situation where like if you are hanging out with your friends and you get those feelings, there's a chance that you say it and someone in the group has felt that way before. They're like, I get it. And then I think too, there is obviously comfort in relating to each other having similarities and that might make you feel like like I can breathe okay like she gets it or he gets it you know and that's a big thing I really just think you know with

anxiety and panic it all comes down to comfort like we just are so ashamed of how we're feeling and we in our heads we think it's a burden and no one else is going to understand it so I just want to deal with it on my own and then bottle up and become like you said this turtle and shell and it's it's a nightmare but honestly obviously obviously like I tell everybody that comes on here, you know, never stop speaking out about the things that you've learned, the things that have helped you and where you are now because it really is incredible. It's something to be so proud of. Like I said before, even you being able to travel here and come here and talk about it.

And, you know, that's incredible, really. I really appreciate you. Of course. I appreciate you for choosing this platform to share this story and to talk about it. And it's a very powerful thing. So you should be so proud of yourself. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you.

Was there any other points you wanted to mention, bring up? Or do you think you got it all? I think I got it all. Okay, you did really good. Thank you. Thank you so much.