We're All Insane - Traveled Route 66 Alone in Full Blown Alcoholism

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

#foryou #podcast Riley traveled Route 66 alone during the darkest stage of her alcoholism. What started as an escape turned into a harsh look at the reality of her addiction. She shares what that journey was truly like and how it became a turning point. Riley has now been sober for over two years, and this story is a reminder of how far healing can take you. Riley's Links: Tik Tok: riwhey_orthehighway Instagram: riwhey_orthehighway 00:00:00 — What does it feel like to finally admit you’re an alcoholic?00:01:06 — How does childhood ADHD treatment shape your mental health later in life?00:02:18 — Why do kids start believing they need medication to be “tolerable”?00:03:01 — Can Adderall make someone feel numb or disconnected?00:03:44 — What are the early signs your ADHD medication is too strong?00:04:24 — Why do some teens feel socially “different” even when outgoing?00:05:16 — Why do some teenagers chase alcohol so aggressively?00:06:44 — Why do some people want to drink again after getting violently sick?00:07:23 — How does teen partying evolve into emotional dependency?00:08:36 — Why do young people crave the weekend “high” during the week?00:10:27 — When does teen drinking cross into addiction territory?00:11:16 — Why does weed feel like a solution when ADHD meds cause anxiety?00:12:22 — What actually happens when you mix Adderall and alcohol?00:13:10 — How does weed turn into a full dependency?00:15:14 — What changes when alcohol becomes fully legal and accessible?00:16:02 — How does a friend intervention actually feel from the inside?00:17:12 — Why do some people spiral when moving back home?00:18:14 — How do restaurant jobs quietly fuel addiction?00:20:17 — What pushes someone to flee their life and drive across the country?00:23:31 — Why do people believe a new city will fix their problems?00:24:50 — What does a real breakdown look like during a solo road trip?00:31:19 — How does alcohol cause you to lose entire days of your life?00:34:14 — Why do beautiful experiences feel empty during addiction?00:36:33 — How does addiction recreate the same chaos no matter where you go?00:41:22 — What does alcoholism physically look like in the body?00:53:11 — Why does “comfort” become dangerous in long-term recovery?00:54:45 — What happens when you break all the early sobriety rules?00:55:39 — Why do people relapse even after doing the “right” things?01:00:58 — What does making amends actually feel like?01:02:18 — Why is willingness the key to staying sober long-term? Topics: Addiction, Recovery, Sobriety, Alcoholism, Route 66, Healing If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hey guys, I'm Riley. I'm an alcoholic. I traveled Route 66 alone in full blown alcoholism and I'm on We're All Insane. And I'm so excited. So I, first of all, I've been sober for over two years. My sobriety date is March 14th, 2020.

Thank you. However, there was a lot that got me to this point, good and bad. I would say, you know, I grew up in Kentucky. I'm the oldest of three girls. I have an older brother, but we grew up separately. My parents, extremely normal. Both of them, like they have a normal relationship with everything. I was never without.

Like, I feel very privileged for the childhood that I was given. Everything, whenever I think back to like when I was younger, like everything feels very positive. Like, I didn't feel like I really went without. I don't feel like there was, you know, trauma in my household. Everything was pretty pleasant. Like, I have fond memories of growing up. I will say that, you know, in third grade, we did move to like a more of full. It was definitely, it's where I'm from. It's like pretty well known. I think my parents,

they wanted us to have like a higher education and that neighborhood offered it. But like literally within my first day at the new school, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Like our teacher was like, you need to take her to get tested. And from that point on, I was introduced to Adderall, which I did not know then, but I know now that that was like the start of something that would become like way bigger later on down the road. But all with good intention. Like I think my parents, you know, they were doing what was suggested by someone they trusted. They had a trusted teacher telling them like, she could her tested. And then, you know, I go to my pediatrician that I've been saying since I was a baby and they're saying the same thing. So, you know,

I don't look back at that and be like, why did you all put me on like such a basically like prescribed meth essentially? That's essentially all that is. And do you feel like it helped you at that age? I it's hard to like see that as like a positive and like from a young age like I did not like it. So and I it to me at the time I just remember feeling like oh like I need I need something because and they really highlighted the hyperactivity part and to me that said like oh I need something to feel more tolerable to people even at a young age like I truly had a thought like that like I need to have a substance in order for adults to like be able to use or be able to be around me better. And I honestly, I never really did great in school.

Like I wasn't like a strong academic person. I mean, it was really hard for me to stay focused with or without it, truly. And I almost feel like when I did take it, I just hyper focused on the wrong things. A lot of people with ADHD that take that medication experience the same thing where it's like it almost derails you. and has you, it derails you from like exactly what it's supposed to do. So, you know, I don't have positive memories of it growing up. It created like a lot of GI problems for me. I lost a ton of weight because you don't eat.

Like, you have no appetite on it. And I always saw that as a negative. Early on I saw it as a negative that it didn't make me eat and it made me really skinny and like all my friends were telling me like you're way fun. when you're off your medication, like you're way cooler when you're off it. Because it just makes you a zombie. Like it's like it pretty much blocks off all joy. And I just didn't, I did not like the side effects from it.

And I think they always had me on too high of a dose. But then we would go to the doctor. I would tell my mom, like, this is just too strong. And we'd go to the doctor and they'd say that's completely normal. But the thing is like, that stuff made me strung out. The same dosage had me strong out in third grade as it did when I was 23. So something was wrong there. Yeah.

But yeah, that was my Adderall Diaries. But yeah, I did that. And I mean, growing up, like, I don't know. I always just felt like, and I've shared this before, but I always just feel like everybody was given like a book on how to live life and it just like missed my house. I don't know what it was, but I always felt like uncomfortable. Even in social settings, I'm a very social person,

but at the same time, I always felt less than or not a part of or like, I don't know, just excluded from something. And I couldn't put my finger on it for a long time. And like, you know, the years went on and I kind of, you know, started experimenting with other stuff. So I'm on Adderall throughout all of my early adolescence. And then at some point along the way, and it caused like, I had like behavioral issues growing up. Like, I don't know what it was from, but I was pretty disobedient from a young age. Like, I just had very clear authority issues, if you will. And I got to, like, eighth grade.

And people, where I'm from, that's, like, when you start experimenting with alcohol. I don't know, you know, what the norm is everywhere else. That's the norm where I'm from. I think for us it was, like, eighth going into ninth. Okay. Yeah, we were young. for everything. I was a baby.

Yeah. And we were fiends for it. That's how we were like we, I just, I can think of like memories of like me and my friends like reaching out to our friend who had an older sister. We're like, can we get this? Like, can you get us something for this? And it just turned us into like these little creatures. It's so accurate.

It really did. And I don't know. I was told from like eighth grade on like my mom was like if you get. caught drinking like you will be in trouble and that fear I did fear her but that fear only lasted so long because like once all your friends are doing it like yeah and you like figure out a good way to sneak it correct like whatever left to get caught exactly and like it I just would never hang out at home like I would go to my friend's houses where their parents didn't care um I don't know it's just highly normalized so we started drinking at a young age and then you know that just snowballed into

something crazy because I barely even remember the first time that I drank. Like when I think back, I can think of like three instances that I'm pretty sure are like morphing together. But I do kind of remember the first time that I drank, I got so sick. We're in the backseat of like my best friend's stepdad's van. And like, I was like, I'm going to throw up. And my friends are like, you have to hold it together. And I like threw up in my sleeve. Oh my God. Right. And like a normal person would feel like, oh, like, I don't ever want to go through that again. And I was like, I want to do that again and again and again and again. And it's just crazy to think, like, from eighth grade, like I became like a weekend warrior. Like I was looking forward to the weekend

because I got to be with my friends. I got to hang out with boys. I got to drink. And that was like all I looked forward to. And that became my lifestyle like really early on. Because I think about next is high school. And like I did not care about academics in school. I went to an art school. So I did, I had like a major in high school and I did kind of uphold that part because I enjoyed it. But everything else, academics completely tanked. I can't say I tried very hard. And again, I was just like living for the weekend. What boy do I like right now? like what are we at what party are we going to go to this weekend i just became like a party animal at a young age i loved the lifestyle i loved the way alcohol made me feel and i've always loved

the way alcohol made me feel um but i was underage so it's like when you're in high school it's just not as easy to get access to it again we were doing that whole like whose big sisters cousins friends friends of a cousin can get us liquor so it wasn't as accessible and my parents like they barely really had alcohol in the house that I had access to. I was too scared really to like steal something from them. It got to a point where I was but early on and that's when I was kind of like I felt like this overwhelming sense. It started like the week days where I was at school I started like thinking in the back of my mind like how am I going to get that feeling like during the week?

which is crazy. I think like a lot of, I don't know, I don't know many people in high school that were so dependent on substances and a lot of the people that I think back on now that were are sober now or like, you know, trying to get sober. But it got to a point where, you know, I'm drinking all the time. I'm getting in trouble all the time for drinking, like showing up at my house on a Friday night, just completely blacked out my sophomore year. I went to like a football game, like our big rival football game, got blacked out and was carried by my vice principal to my parents. And like, it was talked about that maybe there was a problem.

But like, what do you do when you're like 16? Like my parents, I don't think were ready to like take on that conversation or to be like, we're going to send you to rehab. That was not even on the table. Well, I think, too, it's kind of difficult to decipher between like, Is my child just going through a phase in high school of drinking every weekend, which is very normal? For sure.

Or is this a problem? And I think that something interesting that you added in is like just, you know, relating it back to my personal experience. Like I think, you know, my best friend and I, we like were the same way in the sense of like, where are we going to get it? Like this weekend, all we cared about was partying in boys, you know, and drinking. And but I think the difference is it never did overlap into the week where we were like, we need to feel this feeling during the week too. And that is, you know, I think that is like a core difference.

Like, you know, with something of knowing that it's, it might be a bigger issue. It's, it's, I just like remember dreading Mondays. Yeah. Because Monday meant like the start of like my journey to the weekend. Right. And those days felt like years. High school, when I think back to it, just felt so long because I was miserable up until my junior year when I discovered pot.

And after that, I was like, okay, this is going to be the thing that I can do. This is going to be the thing that gets me through the week. And it became this whole balancing act because I realized marijuana was like my first true love. Like I say that like I loved alcohol, but I really loved pot because it felt like I could do it whenever. I could do it on the weekends. I could do it on the weekdays. It was fully accessible because it wasn't legal. So, you know, everybody that was selling it, like they're not going to carve me or do something crazy. But I just absolutely loved it. And what I also loved was like it counteracted the experience that I was getting for Matterall because I think there's something to be said about like

the effect of Adderall on like your well-being. Like I was just neurotic all of high school. Like tumultuous fights with my parents. Like I just had behavioral issues. And part of that was probably like based in, you know, my own self misery or whatever. But also part of that is probably rooted in like I'm on like a prescribed meth. Like I was just on such a strong drug. And so when I smoked weed, like it just felt like it counteracted all of that.

And I could like relax. And do you think when you were drinking alcohol and you were you were on Adderall that whole time, does it, do you think that intensified the effect? A hundred percent. Okay. A hundred percent. And it allowed me to like keep drinking more. Okay. I just, they don't mix very well.

Yeah. They don't mix, notoriously so they do not mix well. But I noticed like I could take my Adderall on the weekends, like double dose and be able to drink more, party longer, stay up later. which I would graduate into something else later on in life that had the same effect. But yeah, so pretty much from that point on, when I discovered weed, I was smoking around the clock. Like it was my first full dependency on a substance. I was skipping school by this point either to smoke and do nothing or I would like miss the first part of school just so I get smoke and show up high. It was just like a whole, it's so messy.

Like all the things I was doing is just a mess. I barely graduated high school. I'd like take online classes. They didn't know if I was going to walk. And I didn't care. I didn't care because all I cared about was getting rid of the way that I was feeling. And what I didn't realize then was like those were the things that were causing me to feel that way. But, you know, I mean, it is what it is.

And high school was very messy and it's, I have good memories. But a lot of it feels really bad, like in my heart. Like when I think back on those times and, I cannot believe I lived like that, like waking up early before my parents, before the sun even rose just so I could like smoke a bowl in my garage and then going and getting ready for school just to drive up the hill and park my car and sleep in my car in high school, all in the name of like smoking weed and getting high. That's just like, that's crazy to me. And I'll touch briefly on college because it really was exactly that. It was brief. I, you know, went to school. I did not go there for

academics. I did not care. I ended up dropping out, you know, my second year in because I just couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop smoking. I was spending all my money on drinking, all my money on smoking. I could not hold a job because that got in the way of partying. And it was also a mess, if not a bigger mess than college. And I just wasn't able also to like fund my habit because I wasn't willing to like give up the partying to work. And it was just it was unmanageable, all of it. It was completely unmanageable.

And I didn't understand what was wrong. I like truly thought that I was going to get it together one day. But one day was never going to come. With the way that I was drinking, like I would always say like, I'll stop tomorrow. But tomorrow was never going to come. Like it just, I had gotten too deep. And once I turned 21 and alcohol became fully accessible to me, we became my least of, the least of my concerns because I can now get something that was cheaper, something that was easier to access and something that was legal. And I really feel like that was a turning point in my relationship with drinking.

Because up until this point, it was all drinking, but fun, kind of. Like there were consequences, but all of them seemed pretty minimal and they were pretty minimal. And then once I became of legal age to drink, it became drinking with consequences. It was sometimes fun, sometimes consequences, but the consequences were getting more serious. And by, you know, the time that I left college, my college roommates, I was living in a house with eight girls and they all kind of sat me down. And it wasn't necessarily having to do with my drinking, but it was. because at this point, I had gotten in so many fights with them, like, drunk that I would, I would wake up the next morning and have no recollection of. And that was happening way and way

more frequently. And on top of that, like, I wasn't paying rent. I was being, like, a terrible roommate. And it hurt because, like, a lot of them were my close friends. And they truly did that out of, like, genuine concern for me. And they were like, this is just not working because it wasn't. And at the time, like, I felt so angry because I had never been called out like that in such a way. And I will never forget, like, I drove back to Louisville. I was in school in Lexington. It's about an hour away. And on that entire drive back, I just remember thinking, like, I can't keep drinking this way.

Because I knew, part of me knew that it was, like, the core of what was going wrong. but I did not think that I was an alcoholic by any means. I just knew that it was getting in the way of what I wanted, which was to be a normal college girl who had it all going on. But I ended up moving back in with my parents. And that living with your parents after you turn like 21 is just, I don't know if like alcoholic or not, it's tough. Yeah, I think too, especially if you've had the experience of being out,

Yeah. Who wants to go back? No. Not me. And it was that was probably one of the roughest periods. That's honestly, I like went slightly uphill. I got a job and started making a lot of money. And I felt like I was like returning back on top. Like I was making a paycheck, really. I mean, I was like, this is great. I finally have like, oh my gosh, I have all the money in the world.

I was making like $800 week. That was more than I had ever made. And it was just like I felt like I was slightly going uphill and then it all just like started crashing and burning all over again. It was just like I could never get it right. It's a cycle. It is. It's a vicious cycle. And it was I worked.

I started food and Bev and I loved it because very quickly I realized people were drinking on the job, which that appealed to me. I didn't know you could do that. Like you could take a shot at work and that was normal. and we had like a dive bar right next to the restaurant that I worked at. And everybody would go there after work and drink and hang out. And it would be like all lighthearted. And I would just take it to the next level. Don't drink with their coworkers.

People would say like, yeah, I mean, I don't like to go to the after work things. Like I remember this one coworker. He was like, I don't like to go to the after work things. I like to go and get drunk at my own house and the comforts of my own home because I've showed my ass too many times. I had never really worked a job so I didn't know what he meant. I figured out really quick. Like getting drunk with your coworkers.

Not the move. No, no, not the move. And I kept doing it. And then I was like, I hate this. I'll just drink at home. I'll just go out with my friends. I had befriended somebody that I worked with. And her and I were just partying all the time.

And it just got to the point where I don't know. I was like I had no direction that I was. going in. I was like, am I going to work in a restaurant my whole life? Which, if I do, fine, but I wanted more for myself. I just didn't know how to make it happen. And I didn't have that clarity because I was drinking like every night. At this point, I don't think I was drinking every day, but I just didn't have the clarity. And I don't know. I just went hard in the paint. And it eventually got to the point where my parents were like, you have to leave. Like, you have to figure something out. didn't give me a very big time frame and I was somebody living paycheck to paycheck. So I kind of

started freaking out and I made an apartment work for a little bit and this is kind of the major turning point. I move out somehow, some way. I like did like a one monthly somewhere and then I signed with an apartment with three other girls and I didn't pay rent for like three months that I lived there and I knew I was either going to get evicted soon or something bad was really going to happen. And at this point, like, I wasn't even at the apartment ever. I just did not care to be there. I was just out partying, kind of using it as like a crash pad. And I go out one night with this girl that I grew up with just randomly. We go out and she's like, come back to my house. And in the middle of the night, I like, I guess wanted to smoke weed or something and I went out. It was like all in her car.

I can't really remember, but I woke up like slumped over in her back seat and it's freezing and all the doors are open. I don't even know what I did. I was like looking for it, I guess and I just fell asleep in the past or the back seat and I was like shivering and I like went inside and I was like I got to go home and I like went to my parents house randomly because it was close to where we were staying. And I would do that sometimes. I would like sneak into their house while they were gone and just like hang out and then go to my crash pad. And I went there this one morning and I was stoked because nobody was there and I was just going to cure my hangover, make myself food. And I'm like sitting downstairs. And at this point like I'm on pretty bad terms with my family. Like we're not really talking.

we're not arguing, but we're not talking. Like, I just was not being a good family member. Because, again, like, all I really cared about was partying and stuff like that. And my sister walks through the door, and she's like, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I have just as much of a right to be here as you do. And she was like, you know, you're not supposed to be here. And mom's upstairs. And I had no idea my mom was even there.

Like, I was just downstairs hanging out the whole time. and I like try to go outside and this is kind of blurry but this is like a major turning point. It all just happens so fast. I go outside to try and get in my car and my sister runs out and like pulls my keys out. We like getting like a little scrap and she's like we want to talk and stuff like that. And it just got very heated very quickly. And next thing I know, you know, me and my mom and my sister, We're all arguing.

It's so heated. I feel the most rage I have ever felt in my life. I somehow get my keys back from my sister, get in the car, and I just start driving. And that was the most insane I had ever felt in my life. Like truly, I don't, to this day, me and my sister cannot remember what we were fighting about. It just started out of nowhere. And I just start driving.

And I'm like, what am I going to do? Like, I'm about to get evicted from this apartment. I have my last paycheck. I lost my job at the restaurant at this point because I had showed up drunk. And then I had not shown up at all. I didn't mention that. But I lost my job. Last paycheck coming in, like, about to be evicted.

Like, what am I going to do? And naturally, I just, like, start driving. And this is from Louisville. I get to Indiana. It's not very far. And I'm like, I wonder if I should just drive to Chicago. just to like, I don't know, maybe I need to see a new site. Maybe I need to be inspired by something.

Maybe I just need a geographic change and that'll fix everything. And I just kind of, I don't know, I started driving and then I get to Chicago and by this point, like my sisters and my family are kind of looking for me because they, they, it was really heated, the argument was. And they're like seeing that I'm in Chicago and I start neurotically posting on my stories like, I'm moving to L.A. I'm moving to California. I'm driving. And I just put in Los Angeles in my phone, and I started the drive, like a long route 66, which is, it was so insane. And I remember just driving through the night that first night and getting to Oklahoma. And I'm like, I get into my

hotel room early morning. And I had had like three things of boxed wine. in my car because I had been able to hold out at this. I was so hung over and I had three little things of boxed wine in my car and I get in my hotel room in Oklahoma. I'm like hysterically sobbing because I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Like I don't know how this is going to work. I had like $600 at the time. I knew I was going to have my last paycheck coming but I had never driven in California. I didn't know if $600 is going to get me there or not. And how far was it from where you were? Oh gosh. It's like 26 hours. It's like a 26. six-hour drive.

Yeah. And you were all by yourself and you didn't have like any of your stuff really, right? Like just what you had? I had like, I was like living out of my car a little bit because with the eviction thing. I was like I should just keep like a mini closet in my car. I had like a good decent collection of shoes. I had both my guitars and my clothes. But yeah, like all of my other stuff I did not have access to.

And I honestly, this is really messed up. But my parents kind of knew that that was happening. I don't remember how. They, like, knew that the apartment was falling through. And I told myself, like, they'll figure it out. Because that's what my parents always did. They cleaned up all my messes all the time. And I was like, they'll figure it out.

So selfish. But that's where I was at. And honestly, like, I've had the opportunity to make amends for that. But insane. And, uh, I, like, chugged all three of the boxes of wine and, like, passed out and woke up and was like, I'm either really going to drive to California. And I've already said I'm going to do it. I put it on all my stories. I was like insane on social media when back in the day, it makes me cringe sometimes. But yeah, I was like, I'm either really going to do this or I'm going to turn around and go

home. And I decided I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. I need a spiritual experience. I thought it was going to give me that. when, you know, I just didn't again. I didn't have the clarity to receive one. I didn't have the clarity to like receive positive stuff like that. But I told myself that moving to California was going to fix everything because that's what I had seen in movies. That's like the American dream to move out to L.A.

and I don't know. But yeah, I, so I started, I woke up again. Like the schedule was all messed up from that day on because like, I don't know. I had gotten there early morning and I told myself, I can drive 12 hours a day and then just drink in the evening and do whatever I want. I can find a dive bar. I can buy liquor. It was just like, again, everything was centered around being able to drink. This whole spiritual experience that I wanted was centered around drinking. And so I started to Oklahoma. I think I got to Texas. And Texas is scary. It is a, the panhandle specifically is like,

a lot of nothing. And it is, I've talked to other people that have done the journey. I was like in a little chat group afterwards because I just wanted to see like what people's interpretation was of it because I was like, Texas was insane and I had a complete mental breakdown. I really was like, oh my God, I'm in a 97 Ford Explorer. And everywhere like on both sides of the roads, you're seeing telephones, like for emergencies. You're seeing tire shops. I'm like, these are all signs. That's like what I was picturing in my head. Oh my God. The little things from Courage, the cowardly dog, the windmills. It was scary. I was like, oh my God. And all on top of all of this, I was listening to forensic files. Like I'm like, oh, if I'm like setting the vibe. Yeah, if I want to know how my

episode's going to go. Like literally. But I was listening to forensic files and then eventually I had like a serious nervous breakdown. I'm not somebody who like struggles with anxiety attacks or anything like that. I'd never experienced one. And I had a bodily and mental reaction to being in Texas. And that is the first time that I pulled over because I just couldn't handle it. And I think I was really close, I believe, to New Mexico. And I pulled over because I just couldn't wait any longer. I hadn't even made the 12-hour driving mark. I just couldn't wait. longer to drink and I'd stopped somewhere and gotten like a whole bottle I think it was Jack Daniels because I was like that makes sense I'm in Texas I'll drink whiskey I was like again I was just

freaking insane um and I was like okay I'll just get a handle and then this will last me to California this will this will carry me through and would you just drink it straight yeah yeah I did not to to this day like I'm a no frills person like I don't don't really care about a chaser. I mean, I would go into a gas station, I think, and get something. But I have no problem. Yeah. Had no problem with drinking liquor from the bottle at that point.

It's like purely, purely necessity. It's like when you're not drinking, like there was no pleasure involved. There was the pleasure in making what I was feeling go away. Right. But that anxiety, like, it was purely out of necessity drinking alcohol. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same.

Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at American Criminal.com. And I, like, pulled over in, like, a gas station. I've even tried to look it up. I don't really understand what it was. It was, like, part gas station, part like Dunkin' Donuts and

sure. I could be wrong, but I remember there being like patients or something. I don't know. I was like not well. I was like full-blown freaking out. And I was like, I need to drink and I need to sleep. And I knew that if I drank, I was going to pass out, but I would just say like sleep to make myself feel better. But I knew I was going to like pass out from drinking. And I went inside and I talked to the girl like working behind the counter like the Dunkin' Donut little situation. and I was like, hey, I'm traveling alone. I need to sleep right now. And it was at a truck stock, I believe.

So there was like a bunch of trucks. I was like, I need to sleep right now. Would you mind I'm in this car outside in that spot? Would you mind like checking on me before you leave? And she was like, yeah, sure. I'm off in eight hours. And I was like, great, I'm only going to need that. And I think I went in my car, locked all the doors,

chugged as much alcohol as they could. And I woke up almost a day. like, I think, like, a day later. Like, I think I slept for, like, 20 hours, like, something like that. Like, it was really bad. And that was, like, a culmination of things, like, the alcohol, the lack of sleep just strung out. I had been partying before this trip, like, day in and day out. And I, like, the shame that I felt when I walked in to use the bathroom and, like, she wasn't even there.

And, like, I knew what time and day it finally was. I was like, wow, like, I really just drank my way into like 20. I lost like a whole day. And that was really hard because I really started losing like my sense of time at this point too when I was drinking. Like I really, some days I would drink so much that I genuinely wouldn't know what day it was. I would wake up and drink and go back to bed leading up to this and I wouldn't know what day it was. And I carried so much shame from that because it's just crazy to think that I didn't think that I was an alcoholic yet.

And looking back, like, but that trip, that was just nuts. And I also hadn't mentioned that when I was in Oklahoma, I had had to go to AutoZone for something on my car. And the men at AutoZone, like, came out and fixed all these things on my car. They were super sweet. But I would, so I get back on the road from Texas. I like try to collect myself and I start driving again. And this whole time I'm like in complete fear of just my car breaking down. I also, sorry, I'm like kind of all over the place.

Not at all. I'm following along perfectly. I also, before I left Kentucky, I had also had legal stuff hanging over me. And that was a big motivator for me to like get out of town because I just. I just like could flee. Correct. I wanted to flee. That was actually like I'm surprised that I forgot about that because that was like a huge

motivator for me. And so I was also, I remember my lawyer like texting me like your court dates in January and I left in December and he was like, are you going to let this get worse before it gets better? And I literally texted him yes and was already in like on my way to New Mexico at this point. So that text message exchange had happened. right around, I think when I got into New Mexico. And so I was also scared of like, I don't know, I don't know how the legal system works. And I was like, what if I got pulled over and like,

I didn't know. I felt like if I missed court, I'm pretty sure my lawyer would have figured it out. But I told myself I was going to get a bench warrant or something insane. My mind just went to like the most insane places. My, you know, I had paid to have a lawyer and all this stuff. But I was just thinking worst case scenario. And I was just driving this whole trip. with complete fear. And also, I'm a woman traveling alone. Like, there's that layer. And I get to New Mexico, and it's the most beautiful place I've ever been. Like, it looks like Mars, and I'm trying to take it all in. And I just start crying because this whole journey was, like, so breathtaking in a way. Like, if you've ever traveled Route 66, it's so stunning and it's historical. And it's, like,

this whole thing. And I was, like, doing it all alone. And I just, felt like the loneliest I had ever felt in like more ways than one. And like my sister and I were best friends up until like this fight. Like she was my best friend and I was like I'm, she could have been doing this with me and I'm like doing this all alone and I'm running away. Why am I doing this? Like why can't I just be normal? Like why can't I just have a normal life? And I just had so many mental breakdowns on this whole journey. But I really remember being in New Mexico being like this is so beautiful and I have to experience this all. alone. So I got the hell out of there. And getting to Arizona, you know, that part was really

cool. I do remember one night parking in a grocery store. And again, like, I would do these weird things. Sometimes I stayed in hotels, the length of the trip. I can't remember. It's like five days. But there were nights, I think two nights that I paid for like motel sixes, the one when I was in Oklahoma and then another time. And there was one night where like I'd planned to stay. in a hotel and I think it was in Arizona and I went to a grocery store parking lot because I was going to go in and get groceries and then walk to this dive bar and it was all within walking distance of the hotel that I wanted to stay at like there's the grocery store there's the dive bar there's the hotel sort of thing and so I just like was planning on walking and I was like going to park

I was like going to I don't even know what I was going to do but I knew I was going to walk to all three and I just drank in the grocery store parking lot and I like passed out. I somehow got in the backseat of my car and like passed out. And I woke up a few hours later to like a lady like looking in on my car. And she had her phone in her hand like she was going to call someone. And I was like, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I like got out of the car and I was like, I'm good. Thank you.

And I was really embarrassed because I passed out drunk in my car. She probably thought I was like overdosing or something. I don't know. And I felt really ashamed with that. and I get to California and I wish I could say it got better. I really do. It did not. I got there and essentially I had nowhere really to stay.

My friend, I had texted him on the way there. He said, you could stay with me for a little bit. My roommate's out of town. He's going to be out of town. You're more than welcome until you find somewhere. But when I was there, I was just, I don't know, I was looking for alcohol, looking for the party. I was trying to find weed's legal there. So I was just trying to find a way to escape myself even then. I somehow managed to find a job. I was like walking one night to go get

canned tuna to make like a tuna salad. And there was like this event opening thing, like a pop up looking thing. And I saw people holding alcohol and I was like, I bet there's free alcohol in there. And there was. And I went in and I figured out it was a, it was an auction for a local public school. and I was talking to these two people and they needed help with their house. I did not know what they meant at all. They were like, we need help organizing our house, we'll pay you cash. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then they were the most hospitable people.

They like fed me, let me stay with them. They were so kind. And then one day, they had a whole bar at their house. And one day I, like, was drinking all day while I was working. like they didn't even know. I was just stealing alcohol from them. And I like was cleaning out one of their cars in the middle of the day in downtown L.A. And next thing I know, I wake up in their daughter's bed at like four in the morning.

And I'm like, how did I get here? And I had like passed out cleaning the car. They had like put me to bed. And the next morning they were like, we just want to help you. Like we don't know what's going on. We don't know you, but we feel like we know you. and we just want to help you. So naturally, I ran away from them.

Like, I was like, I thanks, but no thanks. I don't need help. It's probably like the shame and the guilt. Oh, 100%. Like there's no, how do you come back from that? Right. It was like the worst, it was one of top top five worst anxiety. Like waking up in their child's bed.

I was like, oh my God. Like, what have I done? Yeah. Oh, my God. But they were so. and like they're incredible people. And I don't know. I, you know, and I tried to stay with these two girls that I had known from high school.

And I ended up like screwing them over. And then I meet a friend, another friend that I know from high school. And they're like, you can come stay with me and my family. Well, at first I was just like hanging out with them and stuff like that. And then COVID hit. And when that happened, this person was like, you can come stay with me and my family. And they completely took me in. and I did the same thing.

I was stealing alcohol from like their bar and like getting too drunk. And one day I'm like, you know, it's 12 in the afternoon. And I'm helping their mom with something. And I just go in and out and in and out. And again, I wake up at like four in the morning in the bed. Like how did I get here? And it was the same shit all over again. And so they kind of were like in a very gentle way.

They were like, we don't know what's going on with COVID or like what the situation is. but their uncle, like the mom's brother, had been staying with him, and he was going to travel back to Philadelphia back across Route 66, and he was like, do you want to go back and I'll take you home? Because at this point it had been like seven months, and they were gently like you should go home. Now, in the seven months, did you have any communication with your family? I had had some communication with my youngest sister and my dad,

but none with my mom and my sister who I'd argue with. Zero. Little to none. And if it was, it was really negative. And I think it was when I first got there. But my youngest sister and my dad had sent me a box of my clothes and that they got when they cleaned up my apartment because they did go and do that, like, just as I selfishly assumed. And my sister had written me a handwritten note. And I still, I like have pictures of it on my Snapchat because it moved me.

And there's like the picture, I actually just looked it up the other day because there's tears all over it. But other than that, no, I had no communication with them. So towards the end, my dad was like, I would send you a check for enough to get you a plane ticket. And I said, okay, send it. And then right as the check arrived was when this conversation got brought up. So I actually used that money to get me home. And I told my dad, I was like, I'm coming home. And they knew something was wrong.

But when I showed up, I had not that it matters. But I had gained 40 pounds. I looked just completely different when I see pictures of myself. Like you can tell that something was like really wrong. Like my whole body, I looked like I had a sunburn, like the natural signs of alcoholism. And is that what, like, you think that's why you gained weight just like from the alcohol and the swelling and stuff? Absolutely. That and I was just like eating like crazy.

And also like right before I had left, I had gone off Adderall, cold turkey. completely. So then, you know, I'm taking away something that my whole entire life had kept me thin or whatever that I had abused to be thin. And that's a whole story for a different time. But yeah, so I gained like 40 pounds and I looked just so swollen and puffy. I see pictures of myself from that time period and I don't even recognize myself. And it's so crazy now because I can tell when somebody, just a random person that I'll see on the street, I can tell. sometimes like if they're struggling with yeah alcohol abuse because of just bodily like there's swelling yeah yes and the the redness like it is crazy and my breathing was like really shallow

was like just not in good health and I show up and like me and my sisters are so classic like we just like talked like nothing ever happened like hey and it went like that and then we never stopped talking after that. But from the jump, my parents were like, this is not, you are not okay. And they had like a personal bar at their house. I was stealing alcohol from them to the point where like they took all of it out. And my mom like, she'll have a cocktail after work or something like that. But again, like nothing serious by any means. And she would make her work cocktail and keep her bottle of liquor like right there by her so that I couldn't get to it. And I would be. And I would do some freak shit to get some alcohol.

Like I would army crawl in their room at this point to like find the bottle or steal money out of their wallet to go get alcohol because I had no money at this point, $0.0 and zero cents. And I needed every possible way to get alcohol that I could. And I fully relied on my parents for it. And they were by no means feeding it to me. I shared on TikTok a lot about this. People are like, why would your parents keep alcohol in the house that they knew you had a problem with alcohol?

It was their house. And also, like, like I said, my mom kept it right near her. It's just like, if there is a will, there is a way. And if someone is an alcoholic, they are going to get alcohol no matter what. Yeah. I got like a little weird job where I was working on golf courses. So I could, that was another way I could drink because that's like highly normalized. Yeah.

Drive around. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh my gosh, and that was very short-lived. But that gave me cash and sometimes I could get liquor. But it really wasn't until coming home that I was like something. I think I might be an alcoholic. There's something wrong because there was even a day where like I tried to give my ID to a friend so that I could not, because there was like a liquor store within a mile of my house. Like walking a mile, that was nothing. And I was like, I'm going to give you this. so that I literally can't walk up there and buy liquor.

And then less than 24 hours later, I'm like withdrawing, feigning. And there was a liquor store that was six miles away, and there was only two people that ever worked there. I'd been going there since high school. One of them carded you, and one of them didn't. And I was willing to walk six miles just to find out. It was, I knew there were so many different instances that I knew that alcohol was the number one problem in my life, or at least so I thought.

But the reality was it was like my entire solution to everything that I had going on. It was the only coping mechanism I knew to deal with all the shit that I had created at this point in my life. It's like such a serious and sick disease. Like it's crazy to think that, you know, I lived like that. But at the time, like I was thinking it was really insane. But I also felt like it was normal. That had become my way of living for like two years. And it got to a point where I was like, okay.

I am so scared to keep living my life with alcohol in it, but I am also so scared to live my life without it. And essentially, a choice was presented to me by my dad. He was like, you have to get help. Like, there's no other option. There's no way out of this, but through, like, you have to go to rehab. And that word had never even been thrown around. I didn't even think it was a possibility. And he was like, this is the insurance we have. You can figure this out. We know you can't. And I did. And I found one in Indiana. And I genuinely, my expectation going into it was like, okay, they're going to teach me

how to drink better. They're going to teach me my triggers. And they're going to teach me how to have three drinks and go home. Like, I genuinely thought they were going to coach me. Like you didn't think you were going to like, just quit. No. I knew I was going to quit for the 30 days I was there. But I didn't think that it was going to be like I had to stop drinking.

Yeah, just like how to manage it better. Yeah. That's exactly what I thought. going to manage it. I was going to learn how to manage the way that I drank. But when I got there, like on the way there, I'd been drinking. My dad was like, you've been drinking? I was like, no, never. And then they breathalized me when I got there. And really quickly, like the first night that I was, I realized how physically dependent I was because I had never gone, like, more than 24 hours, like nothing close to it. And even then, like, I had just always had something to help me go to bed.

And the first night was like so hard. It was insane. I was like, I never want to do that again. And then I did it three more times. The next three days were like no better. And then they kind of like started talking to me and they were like, do you think you're an alcoholic? And I was like, I don't even know what an alcoholic is. Like it's just like some old dude who passes out in a recliner is like divorced, has no rights to his kids, like has lost everything essentially.

Like that was my, that was like my description. of an alcoholic was somebody who had lost everything. It was their last option. But they were like actually the way we kind of see it, the way that, you know, it's defined us is like once you start drinking, you can't stop, which, duh. That's like, that was a duh for me. And there were some other things thrown in there too. I'm trying to think, I don't know. But that was the main thing for me is like once I started drinking, like I truly couldn't stop. And once I started drinking, like it was all that I thought about. And like, my bottom was pretty low. Like, I had lost pretty much everything. And it only took me getting to rehab to realize that. Like, I had told myself, like, things weren't that bad

when in reality, like, things were way worse than I even imagine. And I needed that clarity. I needed to sober up and have, like, time sober to realize, like, even just five days, I was like, wow, like, I've actually made quite a mess. And did you go through withdrawal? Yes, like the first three days were really bad. It was like shaking violently. I was sweating. Like, I've never sweat like that in my entire life. I was sweating, shaking, like chills.

Like I felt like I was freezing cold. The nighttime was terrible. It was the hardest part. It's definitely like it's something that every alcoholic and addict fears is going into withdrawal. So prior to that, you never even let yourself go long enough without drinking to even get to that point. Never. or without anything for almost two years. Right.

And I feel like something like feeling, like you said, at that moment, you realize how dependent you really were on it. Absolutely. Because I was like I wouldn't be having this. I used to think like it was, because there would be some mornings that I would have to like figure out how I was getting alcohol. And I would think it was a hangover. Right.

And it wasn't a hangover. Like I know what withdrawal feels like now and I've experienced it. And I can assure myself that like there have been times where I've, I've gone into withdrawal. And it was just like having it at such a length of time, like withdrawing for such a length of time. It is such a scary experience. But it was a medical facility.

So like people were monitoring it. Like I do not encourage anybody to withdraw by theirs, by themselves. It's like so intense. Yeah. It's like it is unlike anything. It's like a worst nightmare scenario. But I did it. And once I got through those days, like it became like.

it became a little bit easier. I'd never felt my body and, like, my brain without alcohol. I mean, I drink, you couldn't drink caffeine for the first three days there, and I had a green tea. And this is funny because I had been on a stimulant my whole life. And I had a green tea, like my fourth day there. And it, like, felt like I, oh my God, it felt euphoric. I was like, this is, I hadn't, I hadn't even been able to feel the effects of caffeine. I had just been under the influence of something else for so long. I kind of, you know, I was like, okay, I think I might be an alcoholic. Like, I started identifying with some of the women and people were sharing their stories and they had done things that I had done.

And that was so freeing to hear. Like, I didn't know anybody else like me. I grew up in a place where we didn't talk about that or like, you know, it was taboo to have, like, legal problems at, like, 21. And I just had nobody to talk about these things with. And I wasn't going to therapy. And those women at that treatment center became like, Like turning points in me as a person because I felt like for the first time I could resonate with people and they identified as alcoholics and they were getting better.

And I was like, if they've done all these things that I've done and they're here and I'm here, like I might be an alcoholic. And I think once I made that admission, like my whole world changed because I could never unsee myself as that from that point on, which I think some people like are like, why do you you still call yourself an alcoholic, but I'm like, once I am, like, I always will be. I'm not somebody who can moderate their alcohol, just ever. But after, you know, I kind of made that admission and I did treatment, we were doing therapy in, like, groups and stuff like that, I was like, I want to be sober when I leave

here, like fully sober. I don't want to smoke weed. I don't California sober. I don't want to do any of it. I want to be off my Adderall. I just want to rot off. life when I get out of here. And that's exactly what I did. I got into sober living in Charleston. And as soon as I got out of treatment, I was home for a week and then they shipped me off to Charleston. And sober living was, it's like such a remarkable experience.

So everybody has different mixed opinions. It's like in the sober community, people are like that, like sober living. Because it's kind of like it's bridging the gap between treatment and like the real world essentially because you're given like a set of rules and tools to live. by like we had a curfew the first 30 days and like I had a chore and you had to have a role in the house and it was cool and I have really fond memories. How long were you there for? I was there for almost two years. Wow. Yeah. So what's long? It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. It's supposed to be a stepping stone and I think I kind of, that's where I went wrong. I know I'm talking a lot but.

No, you're doing great. I think that's where I went wrong is like I, I, you know, I used. You I used it because I had my own room and the rent was like cheap, dirt cheap. Yeah. It was $500 a month. That is unheard of it. No, yeah. You're not going to find it. No. And I was like, oh, I'll just stay here as long as I need to.

I like I, and I also at a certain point, like, I joined a 12-step program and I was working that program up until when I thought I didn't need it anymore, which is not how it works. Like it's supposed to be like long term. Like you do it consistently. And I was like, oh, I'm better now. Like, I don't need to, you know, do it as much. I was kind of doing it to, like, going to 12-step meetings to, like, socialize with people and not using it for what it's really there for.

And on top of that, I was, like, so fearful to lose where I was living that I think that fear kind of harvested, like, long-term sobriety for me, too. Because I was like, if I relapsed or if I drank, we got drug tested. And if I failed a drug test, I was out. And if I was out, where would I go? Yeah, I feel like for you it probably felt so organized and routine. Absolutely. It felt like safe there.

It's totally, it was definitely like I was very comfortable. And what I've learned is like if you're too comfortable, you're not growing. And that's kind of where I was at. And I had gone into a relationship against suggestions. Early on in sobriety, they kind of have this thing. Like they suggest, you know, don't get into a relationship. You can repeat old patterns. old negative patterns of relationship and it distracts you from your, you know, early recovery.

And I went against all the suggestions that were handed to me. And ultimately, like, me and that person ended up breaking up. I moved out of sober living and I changed jobs. I had always been working in the mornings and now I was working in the evenings, which was just throwing that routine completely out of sync. And on top of that, I'm not doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing. doing my 12 steps and when the time came where and the point of like the 12 steps is like it's supposed to help you create this defense against like the idea of the first drink so that you

have a defense when the idea pops in your head like oh maybe I should have a drink and eventually a time came where like I was experiencing like a lot of emotional pain a lot of big feelings that I had not experienced yet in early sobriety and those started coming up and my only solution it seemed at the time was like, I should drink. And when that time came, like, that's exactly what I did. And I didn't do it normally. I, like, thought I had found a loophole. I was drinking vanilla extract and, like, lemon balm tinctures,

these things that you get at Whole Foods. They just have pure green alcohol in them. They're not, like, inherently bad. But I was, like, abusing those and telling myself everything was okay. And, like, it just, it was so unmanageable all over again. And luckily, like, I won't even dive into it, but luckily, because there's not much to say about my relapse. It was seven months long, pure hell.

Same thing that I did before. It got to a point where I was drinking at night, like after I got off work and just, it all seemed very normal. But within a month of drinking for the first time, I was back to drinking around the clock. And I think now I needed that to happen because it really solidified the fact for me that I cannot drink like a normal person. Because I had everything I needed at that point.

I had money. I had a place to live. I had a car. I had a job. I had everything that would make my life seem whole and seem fulfilling. And when I drank, I lost my job. I lost my car. I lost all my money.

I lost everything that I had spent those two years building for the sake of drinking. And if that's not an alcoholic, I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? And I was like, wow. I really, I don't know what a middle ground is. I don't know how to moderate and I will never know that because that's not how I like to drink. Yeah. I don't like to drink like a normal person.

I like to drink in excess. I like to drink no frills, no chaser, no spacing between drinking. It is just zero to 100 because one for me is too many and like a thousand is never enough. So I'm grateful that I had that and I ended up, you know, my parents, they drove up from Kentucky. and surprised me on a whim. They had known that I had relapse. I had gone to jail in this relapse for like a drunken disorderly. And all this crazy shit had happened,

shit that I never thought that I would have to go through again. Stuff that I had like worked so hard to amend in those two years, almost two years. And I was like back to square one. And my parents came from Kentucky and they were like, you're going to rehab. And you're going for 90 days this time. And luckily I went somewhere that I was actually familiar with.

A lot of people in the sober community in Charleston, they're familiar with it. A lot of people in long-term recovery had gone through this program. So I felt fully confident that they were going to help me get to where I needed to be. And that's exactly what I did. Went through withdrawal all over again. It's like I could not believe that I was in the exact same spot. Yeah, like how are we here again? It was insane.

Like going back through withdrawal and like all. the shit, it was nuts. And I got out in 90 days and I decided I'm going to take suggestions. I'm going to do this thing to my full capacity and I'm going to try and do all the things that I didn't do last time. I'm going to help women, sponsor other women, be of service, just try to like detach myself from myself as much as I possibly can and help other people. Because that's like the root of all of all 12-step programs is like to get out of yourself and to help. someone else and that's been like like huge for me when I was sober the first go around I always share this I did not care about anybody else getting sober I

only cared about Riley getting sober and I only cared about Riley getting a job and Riley feeling emotionally well I only cared about Riley and that can't get you very far whether you're sober or not like that selfishness self-centeredness and so I was like I really I really need to try and help people and I need to try to do this thing and go hard in the paint. And that's what I did. And it's gotten me to where I'm at now. It's why I'm sitting at this table with you.

I've had the ability to reach a point where I'm doing all the things that I never even thought I was going to be able to do. And all it took was me just like genuinely just trying to help the next person to do the next right thing put in front of me to make amends to the people that I had hurt, even years and years before. Like to go back and to make amends to people, it is the scariest thing in the whole world to like look someone in the eye that you've completely wronged and like own up to your shit and like clear your side of the street. But that was like major spiritual experience for me.

That was a spiritual experience I was looking for in my trip to California. Little did I know that it just took like riding my wrongs and I left every single amends that I had made like feeling this lightness that I had never felt in my life. feeling forgiveness. It's just, and it was like, someone forgave me, yes, but like I also got to forgive myself in that moment. Yeah. And it was crazy because like that shame and guilt and people ask me on the internet all the time, like, how do you work through shame and how do you work through guilt?

That was the starting point for me. It was like making amends because I left every single one feeling like, okay, I can let go of this now. I can move on from this. Yeah, because you know that you did your part. I cleaned my side of the street. And however that person received it, it didn't matter. They always say like, you're amends.

or selfish because they're for you just as much as they're for them. And I totally get that because like the levity that I felt afterwards, I was like, I want more of that. But I think that it's like it's a good selfishness because I think that it's positive. You know, it's like you're something like that. It's like you're helping yourself and curing, I think, a past issue that you had. Yeah. You know, but then you're also, it's so full circle in my opinion.

It's like it's good for you, but it's also good for someone else. And it's like, I feel like it's all about balance, like, you know, life. It is. And it was cool, like, to see people that so many things come from them, like so many conversations. I go into each of them without an expectation. And something cool has come out of, like, every single one of them, you know, with my parents, it was just we had never been so vulnerable with each other.

And it made us closer. And with my sisters, again, like, tears are shed, but, like, I never felt as close to them as I fell after that. And, you know, with random people that, like, I owed money and I would go to them and be like, and I haven't made every immense that I need to make. You know, I rewrote my list just recently. And there are people from California that I need to make amends to that I haven't yet. Just because at the time, I think I was early sobriety the first time I wasn't as willing as I am now,

because now I'm at a place where I'm willing to do anything to stay sober. When I first was getting sober, didn't make any amends. I was too scared. I wasn't willing and sobriety requires willingness. And this time around I'm like, I am not risking drinking for just having a scary conversation with someone. I'd rather have the scary conversation and get to the other side of it because I know it's waiting for me on the other side.

I've experienced it before. I do, you know, have the luxury of having had all my amends go well. I don't, it's not a universal experience. Some of them like aren't going to be received well. I have my list, like my scary list. to like my scary list that I'm like, those are going to be the ones I do last. Like I don't know how that's going to go. But for the most part, they've all been extremely wonderful and, you know, very eye-opening.

I've had someone be like, you know, all I wanted, I knew you had a problem. And all I wanted was like you to get better. And I just couldn't be in your life until you got there. Yeah. And so it's just all of them have been really cool experiences. And that was the spiritual experience I was looking for. And it's so funny now, like my spiritual experience, comes in like different ways than I ever anticipated like my personality from when I first you know

got into this has completely changed over time and I didn't even know it I had people coming up to me and telling me that and that's a spiritual experience to like have a change in perspective have a change in the way people are perceiving you it's all been just super surreal and it's been really cool to like share that on TikTok and share that with other people and see like I'm other young people trying to get sober. Yeah. I was going to ask you, when, so how long ago did you start sharing your story on TikTok? So when I first, like I started, I started using TikTok a long time ago,

but I was always too scared to share on TikTok because I knew I had people out there that were like, this girl's crazy. Yeah. This girl's psycho. I've seen her out at A-C's in downtown Charleston. She's crazy, the people that, the people that know me. And I was like, I can't share until I feel like I've made some right to all this shit. That's where my mind went.

I was like, that'd be a bad play to like go online and be like, I'm growing. And people are like, that girl's crazy. Yeah. But I really started, you know, taking sobriety seriously. And I was like, you know, there's such a short, not a shortage, but you don't find as many young people that are sober. It's hard to find your people. And I just, I started posting about my story in like late January this year. Okay. And because I was like the Root 66 thing is pretty nuts. Like I wonder if anybody's ever done that. I've literally looked on Reddit, like tried to see if

people have ever just like on a whim, like done something like that, like duh. But I wanted to see you had done it and I just shared it when I was dog sitting and it went crazy and people were like, are you still drinking? And then I was like, well, maybe I need to answer those questions because I've been talking about alcoholism this whole time. Let's talk about sobriety. And then it kind of just turned into something from that. And it's been so cool because I've met so many sober people from all over the United States, from South America, from Europe. And it made me realize there's a lot of young sober people out there. And I think too, like you mentioned, I think that it's more rare for people that are young to admit like I have a problem. And I think too,

it's like how do you, when does it become a problem? You know, it's like so hard to figure that out because I think especially when you're younger, like we said before, it could be viewed as just a phase or, you know, like she'll get out of it. You know, it's just party phase. But I think that that's even why it's more important for you to share it and talk about it because there are signs that I feel like, even for parents, that they can be like, huh, like, maybe I should just, like, keep an eye on this, you know, because I think that, like, you said, like, your parents can only do so much to a certain degree, you know what I mean? It's like, and even if they, even if the alcohol wasn't in your parents' house, you would have still found it. Like, it's not, oh, my God.

Yeah. So it's something that I think it's so important to just share the different aspects of it. And, you know, you're not your typical, like, nobody would look at you, be like, she's an alcoholic. I know. People wouldn't really know that. And it's something that I think is also important for people to know that it can spiral and progress into something more, especially if you are using it to cope with certain things. And it can be helpful. Like I think, like in a way, it's almost like this, a medicine because it does, it makes you numb to like having to feel all of the negative things, you know, it's, and not even just that, but I mean, it becomes liquid courage in situations that helps you feel like there there's these things about alcohol that I think draws people in

for sure you know and I think that it's so easy to abuse that and for a lot of people I'm sure that that overpowers the negatives you know it's like especially if you just go down this rabbit hole of it it's like it becomes with like with anything it becomes harder to see the negative effects that it's creating in your life and your relationships and everything in between Why would I stop? Yeah. The thing is alcohol was always my solution. It was never my problem.

And I feel like young people experience that. They go out for the same reasons that you said. They want liquid courage. They want to connect. And it's so socialized. It's so socialized. People use it as like a way to have human connection. But for me, I was always disconnected when I was drinking.

And the thing that I was craving, I got once I got sober. I think, too, I feel very lucky because my alcoholism was super progressive. I think for some young adults, they still have that thing I was touching on where it's like consequences, but it's still fun. Yeah. And they can ride that for a really long time. And some people may just be heavy drinkers and they never get to the point where, you know, the things that I've touched on, but some people might.

And, you know, at some point in my drinking, I crossed a threshold that I can never go back from. But all of those reasons that you just listed were the reasons I initially started drinking. I wanted to hang out with people and have fun. And there, you know, there's not fully anything wrong, I guess, with drinking. Like, if a normal person can go out and have a drink, like, I fully support it. I love when I go out to hang out with people that are normies. And, like, I see them have two drinks and I'm like, how do you do that? Like, how do you do that? But if they can do that, great, it's just like the way that call it, I specifically think the college culture is really hard. Yeah. But I know.

know people in college that are getting sober because it's gotten to the point where it's no longer fun. It's like all their emotions are tied up in drinking, all of their lack of connection, you know, their desire to, you know, get out of themselves. Those are all the reasons that they're drinking. They're no longer drinking because it's fun and like it can help you let loose and you can experience like colorful imagination and it's also fun. Like they get lost in that. But it's hard. I know how hard it is for people to get sober in college. I'm close with some people who are currently trying to do it.

And it's like one of the hardest things ever. Yeah. The environment. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I think obviously I would say to a degree, the older you get, the more you have going on in your life, I think it might be slightly easier because, you know, even for myself from a perspective that's not. not nearly the same as yours, but in the sense of, you know, when I do drink, the hangover's

horrible. I shit my pants the whole next day. I have no energy. I can't go to the gym. And like, you know, even with filming, like there was a time where I would, you know, I was in this place where I would think I could go out the night before and film the next day. But even just the effects that I would see would have in my brain, like my brain didn't work. Like I couldn't ask questions. I couldn't focus. And I think in a situation like that, when you have a life that you've built and you've realized, thankfully, like very quickly, like, okay, this isn't working, you step out of it. But I think, too, when you're younger and you are coming up and you're still in this place where you like, you know, you might be just first getting a job or you don't,

you don't have a life that you've built yet because you're still so young. I think it's easier to let the alcohol in and let it like, because you don't see the things that it can screw up. You know, it's like it takes a little bit longer, I think, to see the negative effects that it has. 100%. And what I was saying before, just with the environment and how it's viewed as something so social, it's, like, crazy to me now. Because I really try not to ever drink just because simply how it makes me feel is, like, horrible. And the anxiety it causes. Like, I really, I am a different person, like, night and day.

And there's parts of me that I'm like, oh, that's kind of funny that I don't care and don't have a filter. But then I'm like, if I would never say or do that sober, we might have a problem. But no, it's just so crazy how normal it is of like all of these places. It's like unless especially somewhere that is more, I mean, honestly, it's anywhere that's more low key or even somewhere that's like a big city. It's like, you know, it's either you're drinking because there's nothing to do or you're drinking because that's what everybody's doing. And it's like, where is the in between? And I think it is hard to navigate, especially when you're young and a lot of the people around you're doing it.

It's like, well, what else am I supposed to do? You know, it's hard to figure that out, especially in a social setting. Well, the risk is so much lower when you're young. You have a lot less to lose. Exactly. And I think that's why it's easier for people in college to drink like that. But you always see, like, when people leave college, like, how do they drink when they leave college?

Like, how do they drink in those, those, like, 25-year-old? Like where that's- Well, I think that's when it too starts to become an escape because, you know, a lot of people get like a more serious job and they hate their job. And then they're like, they can't wait till the weekend. And it's like, you know, that's what their hobby becomes is like just that escape of the week. And it's like, I think it's sad. It's just not something. It's such an unhealthy escape.

But I don't think that part is talked about enough. Like I feel like alcohol has looked at even to the same. day as something social and fun and this and that in which it can be. But I don't think it's enough talked about how people can really rely on it to cope with, you know, different things. You know, if they are miserable in certain aspects of their life or, you know, anything in between. I feel like that part isn't like discussed enough, especially with people that are younger because there is no in between. Like it kind of seems like, okay, either you're doing it socially or you're like that guy you were talking about the old guy that's an alcoholic that has nothing.

sitting on his couch. But there is a wide range of different types of people that struggle with it. I know. And I feel like that aspect is like not what, it's more taboo, like you said. It's, it's very interesting. Like I think one thing I always think about is like people in dating, like especially like early adulthood. Like I just couldn't imagine now like dating and drinking at the same time like going out. Like I would, I don't know. Sometimes when I'm out with people, know when I need to leave because I'm like, you guys are like three drinks in and I don't think you're even remembering, you're going to remember this tomorrow. And I kind of like applied that to dating at a certain point because like I had no capability of dating anyone when I was drinking.

Like it just wasn't a thing. Like I. Right. On the flip side, like I, there was a point for me. I couldn't date sober. That's what I'm saying. Like I couldn't. I was like, I can't go on a date and not have a drink. It's terrifying. Yeah. And I was like, there was a point too for me. I was like, like I would literally have to take shots before I go. Yes, I've been there. As good as it felt to like be like, oh, this is great. Like you, I always would take it too far also. And it's like, then I'm blacking out at dinner.

And this is supposed to be a first date and now I'm embarrassed. Like what the fuck have I said and done? It's a universal experience. It is. But it's bad. It's horrible. I'm like, okay, scary's good, bitch. You know what I mean?

Like I need to like be able to get through that. But it's like you really, it just goes to show how easy it can be to like be like, oh, let me just chug this down and I can do anything. It's a, it became such a crutch. Yeah. And it kind of started off too like that for me like kind of innocently. Like I was just like I would take shots before a date. That was like no question. Like, duh.

That's like ritual at that point. Right. That's Bible. It's fun. It's like, yeah. But it's like. And then it gets to the point though. I'm like, I'm not even.

What am I even really trying to. get out of this. Like I, yeah, you can't connect. You don't remember. You can't. You can't connect. And it's it's like I'm not even being myself. Right. And I have to, that was a big part of it. Getting sober is like accepting like maybe I'm not this big firecracker like super social butterfly that I think I am. And that's okay. Yeah. It's okay if I go on a date. And like I'm lucky. Like my boyfriend now is amazing. He's also sober. But like it was so scary going on the first date because I was like, you know, what if they don't like me? Yeah.

What if it's awkward? What if it is awkward? And what if there's an awkward silence or what if I don't know what to talk about and all this shit? And honestly, in the grand scheme of things, like if it's not a connection, it's not a connection. If it's not clicking, it's not clicking. And that goes with social interactions too with just like regular people.

I used to like not think that women would like me if I was around them because I wasn't contributing to the conversation or like they wouldn't accept. me and now I'm like, if somebody doesn't like me, that's not my people. Those aren't my people. And it's okay. I'm not going to be liked by everyone. And I can assure myself now, like, alcohol does not make me better. I used to think that alcohol, like, I needed that to be more likable, to be funnier, to have more courage, more personality, be more outgoing. But it's like, I just, I'm not a better person when I'm drinking. And I know that now. Like, I was probably louder and way more obnoxious. I think, too, half the time, people don't even realize, especially younger people,

they don't even realize that half of their friends, I mean, if you guys are going out and drinking all the time, do you guys even know each other? Like, you know what I mean? It's like, and I, I've tried to tell my friends that many times. I'm like, these are literally people that you just drink with. Like, I don't even think you guys really know who one another is, like what you guys like. Like, you don't have that connection. No. And it's crazy to, you know, and I think that it should be more, I guess you could say trendy, not to drink. You know, that's why I think it's amazing that you you do share your story and I don't think you should stop because I feel like people would look up to you for that reason. You know, like you're a young, beautiful girl. You're like, it's cool to be sober. You know, it's like, and there's one point that I thought it was cool to not be. But like now I think it does go to show like the flip side of things. And it really like with any addiction, it'll ruin your life.

It will. You know, like one point or other. It's not an if, it's a when. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know, with young people, I think it is trending more now. I love like I think I read something recently where it was like alcohol sales were at its lowest this year, which is really cool or like maybe 2024. That's crazy.

Sucks for them, but like also a really cool indicator that like less and less people are willing to drink. And like all these really cool mocktail brands are popping up. I love like getting a fun moktail. Like recess is awesome. Like all these cool, I don't know. And it's just cool to see more people getting. sober. It's cool having connection with people today. And like I have like Charleston as much, people ask me this all the time. Like what is it like to be sober in a city that drinks so much?

But to that I have to say like in a city and in cities where there's a lot of drinking, a lot of partying such as New York, there is also so much recovery. Like in a central city like that. So I have a good core group of like sober women and sober friends. We have a huge young person community in Charleston. I feel really grateful for it. Recovery in Charleston is very intimate. And there are more people getting sober than I think people we haven't realized. You just got to do a little digging and find. I was going to say all it takes is like a little extra digging to find it. You do. You do. And there's like the thing is like I'm part of a 12 step program. So it gives me like complete access to all these people young and old and all in between. But there are sober Facebook

pages. Like I've helped people walk through all of the shit, like finding sober communities. They're like, I don't want to work 12 step. And I'm like, that's fine. They're like, I just want to, you know, get sober to be healthy and like have like a better life for myself. And we've like looked up like sober communities. There's Facebook pages, um, Reddit threads to help people find other sober people. Social media has been a great tool to connect with sober people. You can almost always find sober people in like fitness communities. That's a big thing in Charleston. It's like sober people that are sober because they want to be healthy, which is totally great. I'm like, what's that like? You just want to stop drinking? That's crazy. I did because I had to, but I'm grateful. But it's just like you

have to do a little digging to find your people. And you have to be willing to give up those friends that I think people are scared too. And I get DMs all the time. They're like, did you lose friends when you got sober? It happens every time. That is a 100% guarantee because you're really, realize some of the people, like you said, that you thought were your friends were really just drinking buddies. And that's okay. Yeah. It's okay to lose those people. You know, that's kind of just life in general. You're going to have friends come in and out. Yeah. And like, there's nothing wrong with having like drinking buddies. But I do think when you do when you have the courage to remove them though and you are outside of it looking in, you start to realize like, oh wow. They were

supporting. Yeah. Yeah. That is not the kind of people. one in my life. No. And for me, all the people that were drinking around me, they weren't, I surrounded myself with those people for a reason. They drank like I did. So it's just like, I don't know, but you had to let go of that. I had to let go of it. And I'm okay. Yeah, you're thriving. I am. I love it. I love my life today. You know, it's, it's nothing crazy. I don't do anything super out of the ordinary, but it's everything that I never knew I wanted. And, nor needed. And it's like a life beyond my wildest dreams.

That's the best way I can put it. And like you said too, you know, not only just, not only is your life so much better for you and your growth, but now you're helping people. Like you're inspiring other people that are your age or maybe even older. And it's really incredible also. Like something I want to mention is in life, sometimes it takes people until they're like in their 50s or 60s to realize what you realize. It's such a young age.

So like even though yes, you had these like really dark years and dark times, you know, that I'm sure you can reflect on and be like, holy shit, like how, why? It's incredible that you got it together so young. Because a lot of people can't do that. Like it takes, for some people, it takes over 10, 20 times of revisiting. And, you know, having that cycle just happen over and over and over again and going through that crash. So you should be really proud to yourself with that too. Because, like, yeah, even though it sucks and it's embarrassing to look back on sometimes, like, I have my fucking moments too.

And I'm like, oh, God, like you don't even know me anymore. But no, it's incredible. I think the younger people that do find this spiritual awakening within themselves and they realize the power of themselves and the environment that they can be in by choice, sober, it's like it's just, it's so awakening and amazing. And I think that it's a really incredible thing. Thank you. Of course.

You did amazing, seriously. Thank you. Thank you for coming. I'm so happy. And sharing your story. Yes. I love it. Like whenever I have people on that kind of share their stories on TikTok, I think it's so intriguing to me because, you know, TikTok's so amazing with being able to share your story

in this shorter form. And I think, you know, answer questions, like in a way, like you said, when people ask you things, it's like, okay, this is cool I can like specifically answer this. But it's so intriguing to hear your story in depth and, you know, kind of like hear the timeline of everything and here you go through it. And it really is inspiring. And like I said, You should be really, really proud of yourself. It was really fun. It was cool to touch on it in long form. Yeah.

Instead of like one take. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to get into some of the details. I don't, like, I feel like I blacked out during the whole thing and it was just yapping. I know people. No, you did amazing. I followed along perfectly.

Thank you. It was like, I feel like I always tell people. I'm like, a lot of people are such good storytellers. I'll be sitting here and it's like, I feel like I'm watching a movie because it's like, I'm watching you and hearing you talk. But I'm seeing you drive and I'm seeing you like chugging the, the, the, wine boxes and I'm like, it's like all in my head. Seriously, it's crazy. So you're a really good storyteller. Thank you so much. Of course. Thank you. Was there anything else? Or you think you got it all? If you're struggling, reach out for help. It's always available. Yes. That's all I have to say.

Amazing. Thank you.