We're All Insane - Treatment Center Made Me Sick

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

#podcast #treatment #mentalhealth Carly shares her journey through a treatment center that was supposed to help her heal but instead left her feeling more broken than before. From the treatments that didn’t feel right to losing the parts of herself that made her her, this is Carly’s story of resilience, self-discovery, and finding her way back. Carly’s Links: SPOTIFY:https://open.spotify.com/album/7tpY5D2auvaCjTwxn1uxkr?si=jHa58F0qRSOmqlfM2KdbOg&nd=1&dlsi=b7cfbef57f7646b4 NEW SINGLE: https://vyd.co/WorthFightingForWEBSITE:https://www.carlyglenn.com/ INSTAGRAM:https://www.instagram.com/iamcarlyglenn/?igsh=aDliZWh3dzJxbDJh&utm_source=qr# YOUTUBE:https://www.youtube.com/@carlyglenn If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the podcast, please fill out this form: https://forms.gle/ZiHgdoK4PLRAddiB9 or send an email to [e-mail] Business Inquiries please contact: [e-mail] Topics: Treatment Center, Mental Health, Betrayal, Therapy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me DeVora. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was Slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Well, thanks for having me. Of course.

I'm excited to be here. I'm Carly Glenn. I'm a singer songwriter in New York and I heard about your podcast and I have a crazy story to tell you today, Devorah. It makes me nervous talking about because like I'm already getting clammy. That's normal. That'll go away. Okay.

As you like, I tell everybody like 15 minutes in, it's just rolling. It feels like second nature. It's just like you're telling your story to anybody. Well, I am. I'm telling my story to everybody coming on this podcast. But I thought it was important to come on, especially to tell this story because it has to do with mental health and getting care that was not necessarily good. So I guess I'll start there. So back in 2017, I started having PTSD symptoms and just stuff was coming up from childhood trauma that I couldn't manage.

And I was having, like, I'm having symptoms. I'm having like literally now telling this, like shakiness, just like very hard to focus. very weird sort of episodes where I didn't know where I was and I was like, gotta figure this out. You know, I was 22.

I had to check myself into treatment. I was not doing well. I was in Chicago trying to be, you know, a comedian on the Second City stage. And for those who don't know Second City, that's where like Tina Faye, Amy Polar, Stephen Colbert, like icons, Bonnie Hunt,

If anyone know, that's like a fun fact because I feel like a lot of people don't know that she went there cheaper by the dozen for those who love body haunt. I checked myself into treatment because I wasn't feeling myself. I was anxious, PTSD symptoms from childhood stuff that was coming up. And I had a great experience at this one treatment center. And I thought I was only going to be there for two and a half months, like one and done, go and then back to real life. Were you in therapy? Or did you just go straight to the treatment center? Yeah, I had been in therapy at that time since I was nine years old.

So when I was younger, you know, I was already struggling with mental health as it was. And I was, I wanted to take care of myself. I cared about myself. I liked who I was at the time. And I, you know, I wanted help. And so I was going in already with like years of therapy under my belt just for something. else that was coming up in my early 20s that I was never, I couldn't, I couldn't compartmentalize whatever was going on. I was up until that point of my life, I was able to like be myself and like have

my anxiety and just take care of it on my own and do college. And like I didn't have, I wasn't allowing myself to really let trauma hit me. And it finally came out in my early 20s. I was in this treatment center. And like I said, I thought it was going to be a one and done. thing and they said to me, oh, no, you need to go to a step down program. And I'm like a step down. Like, what does that mean? Like to ease me back into real life. So like an intensive outpatient or like a residential program. And I'm thinking, come on. Like I want to go back to like my life and like being funny and like I have this anxiety sort of figured out right now. I was able to like talk about something that I, you know, had never spoken about in therapy and years and years. So I felt

like that two and a half months was like really powerful for me. And I was like ready to move on. And so their suggestion, I listened to them. I was like, I want to do what's best for me. And okay, I'll look into a step down program. So I was in Chicago at the time and I took my, We had a computer time, like, in the afternoon. Like, I was at a place where I had no phone, no nothing. Like, I read, like, a book a day. Like, you know, I did my Sudoku. And I was looking at places in the Chicago area because I'm like, I want to get back to my life.

I want my cat back because I had not, you know, I couldn't bring Tom to treatment. And so I was like, I'll do an outpatient program. And that'll be perfect because I can live back in my apartment downtown. I can have my little kitty cat and I'll just commute and maybe go back to film school, which I did. So I get to this place and it's all good and fine. And, you know, I trust the people there because I don't know any better as a young girl. And I was, I was young, like 23. I think you're still a kid at 23, like truly.

And so I get there and it's my birthday. I turned 23 when I got there. And I stayed at their like residents to do my intake. And everything was good. I liked the people. I liked who I was there with, like the other patient. that I met during that intake, and I liked the doctors. They seemed trustworthy. And so I spent six months there being a model patient. Like, I am, I was the type of person at this time to be a go-getter.

Like, I was up doing Soul Cycle at 7 in the morning, then going to this and that and this and that. And I had so much energy because I was myself and I never knew anything else. Yeah. And that's important to know because I wasn't like that for about six years of my life for what I'm about to tell you. So I'm at treatment and it's all going well. Star patient, like I said, I show up. I'm there every day, no absences. You sign away basically your life when you check into these sorts of places.

Like no drinking, no sexual activity unless you have a partner. And so I was a rule follower. I didn't want to break the rules. Like I was such a goody two shoes. And six months into my treatment there, I had two of my friends come and visit me from out of town. And I was living at my apartment. And on the weekends, I was free to do what I wanted because I was at treatment from, you know, Monday through Friday, every day nine to five, sometimes six, seven, literally always. there. And so I was like, at this point, I'm like, I need a break. Like, I don't struggle with,

you know, alcohol and drugs. At this point, I wasn't. And I was like, you know what, fuck it. I'm going to have a fun night out. So two of my friends from college come to visit me and I did like a classic Chicago night, which is like trolley night. And we did this trolley and we all got so wasted and just had fun. Like, it was such a great night. And I ended up, like, kissing a boy on the left of me, one of my friends, and, like, making out with a guy on the right. Like, silly, goofy, I'm in my 20s. I'm running around Chicago. I need a break and I'm having a good time. So at this place where I'm at this treatment center, we had form that you have to fill out when you do something wrong or bad and you have to present it to the entire treatment center

on like a Tuesday or Thursday when we had our meetings. So it's up to you to pick out what it was that you did wrong. It was up to me to not do anything wrong. And this was the wrong thing that I did. So I like went into the trolley night knowing like I'll just write that I drink. And you know, this is what I'll say to, you know, all the people. So I was totally prepared for that. I was like, whatever. Like, I've seen so many people do it here. Like, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't phase me. I don't care. Like, I'll just get up and whatever. It seems so silly because it was. And a lot of things at this place were really iffy. And that's why I'm, that's why I'm here telling the story. But anyway, so trolley night was fun. And I get. to treatment the following Monday. And I know I've done something wrong and I'm going to have to

spill the beans and tell, you know, I have to confess. Like, I'm not going to be, I'm a goody two shoes. I'll tell them that I drank and that I, you know, kissed a couple dudes. And so my therapist there on my treatment team, I saw her and I told her the whole story. I said, you know, my friends from college were in town. I scheduled a trolley night. I drank. And I made out with this guy and I hooked up, you know, I hooked up with this guy, two of these guys, just in front of everyone, whatever. It was like silly, goofy. And so spilled the beans in therapy. I go home that night and I come back into the program the next day. And at this point, I haven't really heard from my parents, which is important to know because we're so constantly communicating. Like,

on my drive here, they called me, like, both of them at the time. different times. Like, I'm always communicating with them and the program is designed so that your parents are really, like, there with you. And so I heard from them all the time. And I hadn't heard from them, like, Monday morning when I had my therapy to this Tuesday afternoon when I had gotten to treatment. So I'm like, that's weird. So I call them. I'm like, hey, they sounded so strange on the phone. And I'm like, what is going on? So they're like, you might want to go. And check in with doctor and I'm just not saying names, but go check in with the chief medical officer there, Dr. What's his face? I like that for him. Dr. What's his face? That's good.

Yeah, it is good because what he did to me sucks. So they're like, why don't you go talk to him? And I'm like so confused. I'm like freaking out like, oh no, what did I do wrong? Because I'm like trying to be a good patient, you know, and I'm like a good following the rules. Yeah, following the rules. So I go down to his office and I knock it's open. He brings me in. I sit down and he stands and he goes back and forth. He's going on this long speech and I'm like, you know, so like beyond like I'm like attentive with him because at this point he's groomed me to be so. And it's six months in so I trust him.

And I'm listening to him thinking like, what are you talking about? So he's going on about how the trolley night and what I did was so terrible. And I'm thinking to myself like, it's not adding up. Like what I went out and did doesn't match how, you know, surprised and worried you are. So I said to him, I said, I don't understand why this is such a big deal. And he looked me dead in the eyes. And he said, You could have gotten raped. You could have gotten pregnant. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

He looks me dead in the face and goes, well, you slept with multiple men around the city. You slept with multiple men around the city. And I sat there, like, just my ears like started ringing because I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this rumor you've heard? because my story goes that I had this trolley night. My best friends were with me all night. I didn't sleep with multiple men. What are you talking about?

And I'm sitting there like this, defending myself, because I was a strong motherfucker. And I was like blown away. I was like, what are you talking about? I didn't sleep with multiple men. You slept with multiple men around Chicago. You slept, like, kept on drilling it at me until I believed in myself. So here I am.

being told that I've slept with many men around the city. And he was saying like just that night? Just that night. Just that trolley night. Like I had exactly. And did he make that up or did that? No. So what happened in the translation with my therapist is that she used the verbiage that I

used, which is hook up. Which to me just means like a makeout in my generation. I'm a millennial. I think all of us would agree. Hookup, he heard it as I had slept with multiple. around the city, which, by the way, that's his verbiage. I've never, it didn't happen. That's not what happened.

And so I have, exactly. Well, my thing is, it's like, even if you decided to fuck five men. I know, right? What's his fucking deal? Nobody, that's no one's place to judge that. Well, it was so judgmental and this man is supposed to be a doctor who cares. It, like, reminds me of, like, a weird, like, almost like when you hear the stories of, like, a. A church.

Like when somebody goes to like very guilty. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why this story is so important because what happens next ruin my life for the next six years. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never be the same. Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts.

Or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcast. Spotify or at Americancriminal.com. He kept on drilling this into me until I believed it myself, until I said, okay, give me whatever you think I should be taking to, you know, offset the crazy behavior that I've just made. And because I couldn't get out of it. I was being manipulated to believe that this is something that had happened to me when, in reality, it really fucking didn't.

Did you still have to share it in front of like it? Yeah. And I defended myself. I said, I didn't do this. And it's being, it's, and I was gaslit to say, no, you're manipulating your therapist. Like the, and so what happened because of this trolley night and because of this silly little night that I just wanted to have for myself completely blew up into your bipolar, your manic, you're promiscuous. And we have to get you off your lexapro because you have. this night because of your lexapro making you manic and we have to get it off you have to get off

it immediately and we're putting you on lithium. So to sum it up, a chief medical officer spread a rumor that I had sex with multiple men around the city, convinced me of that, told me I was bipolar because of it, put me on lithium and the next week I was pretty much brain dead. Imagine this lively person. I had no words. I was deadpan. I had no brain. And I do get emotional talking about it. Yeah. Because how dare a person like do that? And for six years, I was not myself. I had no personality. I had, I forgot how to sing. It was devastating. Imagine. The strict of who you were. Who I was, I had no vernacular. Like I couldn't, I had to have my phone out in group therapy to Google words because I had no idea what anyone was talking about.

Every time I begged them on my hands and fucking knees to get me off the lithium, they would say, oh, you're just talking about your trauma more. You're just talking about your trauma more. So do you think it was because they put you on such a high dose? Yeah. Well, I think it's because. This man in power who knew that I was a privileged person who had, you know, good parents, I got so sick that I had to move into the residence, which is just more money for him and his practice. The amount of people that came and left that place was horrendous, like professionals who worked there.

And finally, after six more months of me being there, I was moved into a basement apartment. And I lived with someone who had schizophrenia, which was like, it was awful. I was there out of my mind. I had no brain. Lithium, if you're not, if you are not diagnosed bipolar, it's just going to shut you off. And not only was I on lithium, I was put on lemictal, Saraquil, waltbutrin,

all of these drugs that made me shut off. And when I tell you that I was a zombie, that's truly all I was. I couldn't, I had no joy, no happiness. It was just tears and dead. And I was like every day, digging so deep to try to find just a small ounce of me and nothing, nothing. And it was just, I think what's, what was the scariest part about it and what's so scary about

it now is that I, I don't think I lost years off my life. Like, I was really in that space for six years. Like, that's how much it screwed me up. The scariest, I think, part about it is to know that this man has so much power because of his credentials. And I'm not the only person at this treatment center with a horrible story. Mine doesn't even come close to some of the things that I know have gone on there. So, yeah. So how long were you there in total?

I was there for one whole year. I was there from age 24 to 25. And my mom finally came to pick me up after the six months. Up until like, you know, the trolley night, I had been going back and forth, right? Yeah. And my parents were always out like doing therapy with me and they kept me so away from them for those six months. And finally my mom came out. And, I had a great relationship with the woman at the front desk because I'm just friendly. I love talking to people. And that's who I was. I was spunky. It's who I am now. Thank God. Like, thank God, I'm back.

Like, it's been the last year that I've fully been present in my brain. So I'm like, now I'm going to go tell this fucking story. Right. Because this should not be happening at a place that is probably federally regulated because it's run by actual doctors. Like, the reason why I bring that up is because, like, Paris Hilton went to a horrible unregulated place. And her story is so insane.

And, like, I think that's what was scary about mine is, like, I'm at this place that is federally regulated, that is run by a doctor. Yeah, it goes to show that it can happen anywhere. Right. Malpractice. But to answer your question, I was there until I was 25 and this amazing woman at the front desk. My mom was in the waiting room. She flew from New York to Chicago to come out to see me. And she got there and wanted to talk to the staff immediately because I was not myself.

Everyone in my family knew it. Everyone was like, where is our daughter? Where's our daughter? Like I truly had no personality, like robotic and just cried. And I, she got there and the woman at the front desk, leaned over to her while I was going back to get the doctor to come and talk to my mom. She flew all the way out here and she wants answers and he wouldn't even give her the time of day. And meanwhile, they're paying thousands and thousands of dollars for me to be there. So like, what, you can't speak to my parent for two seconds? Anyway. So the woman leaned over to my mom and is like, get her out of here. Like, get your daughter out of here. And my mom was like, why, why. And she was like, she's not herself. They are making her sick. Yeah. And that's when

I left and it took me six years to get back into my right mind. So when you, so your mom took you out that day. And then did you go back to the therapist that you were seeing before? No. Or none at all? They cut me cold turkey because I, they had no plan for me. I was so desperate to get off these medications. I was taking them every fucking day. Yes, we should just stop the medicines altogether? Yep. Under the care of my gynecologist, thank God.

Like, they left me with no resources because they kept saying if you leave or if you go off your meds, we will be forced to kick you out. And so the gaslighting was like insane. And I just listened and abided and just did what I had to do to like stay there and appease them because it's so much control over me. Yeah. And yeah, I don't remember what your question was. I was asking if you went back to the therapist. You said no because they cut you off.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. So you just stopped the medicine completely left. Turkey, they gave me no resources because I had left. And they sent me a horrible email, like saying they weren't offering me like, you know, my final rounds or discharge or anything. And they left me for dead, essentially. So thank God I had my parents. I lived at my parents' house for like six months. Okay. And I got off the meds that way. I got my lexico, lexico, lexipro back from my gynecologist. and because she's amazing.

I love her. She was literally out by sister's wedding. She's incredible. She has a podcast of her own. And yeah, she prescribed that to be. And I was able to undo what they did sort of. But I kind of want to show you a picture of what I looked like through that time. Because not only was I not in my right mind,

I was over 100 pounds heavier than I am right now because of the effects of all of the medications on my body. And I just, I was unrecognizable inside and out. I had no idea who I was on the inside. I had no idea who I was on the outside. Right. And before I find this picture, I just want to say that the importance of the story for me and why I'm telling it is because hopefully somebody is in my position and listens to this and they're on the wrong medication and they know it and they might be getting gaslit by whoever is giving it to them. But you know your mind's the best. And if you're ever told by a medical professional that know you're wrong, like that is malpractice,

in my opinion. And I mean, I think too, like you said, you can trust yourself and know if something feels off or wrong to speak. up. Yeah. Because, you know, just because they're a doctor doesn't mean that they're always right. And obviously your case is extreme. Yeah. But there's also doctors that I feel like just want to prescribe. They don't actually like take the time to hear you out or some people don't even need medicine. No. And he didn't take any time to hear me out. He spun a story, a web of lies at the six month mark. He had nothing. Nothing to pin me with. Oh, no. Yeah. I had a trolley night. When you When you got out, did you ever have a thought in your head of like, well, I wonder if, like, I might be bipolar.

I wonder if I might have these other things. Of course. I had no idea who I was after I left this place because. It's like you're told that you're. Exactly. Like, you're told all of these things. And I had no idea who I was after I left that place. And I knew exactly who I was when I walked in there. You know what I mean?

And so. You started to question. I feel like everything. I started to question. everything. Of course, I questioned my life. I questioned my being here. I was, I had no joy, no happiness, no personality, no nothing. It's basically, it was basically me being comatose, like walking around with a dead brain. Like I could walk, talk, and eat and other things. But like, I, like, I had nothing to me. I was just a body and walking around. And so in 2021, I

tried to take my own life. I couldn't do it anymore. And by the grace of fucking God, man, I met the best therapist I've ever, ever, ever known. And she saved my life. And she has a connection to the place that I was at. So the treatment center, like she knows them and has an opinion. and it was it's just in crazy it's insane yeah podcast just plug in the pod insane it is insane that I found her I mean the way that I found her in Chicago is like beyond and she got licensed in New York for me like because she's a badass and she was able to validate everything that had happened to me there. Yeah.

Were you able to take any legal action at all? Not yet. But you plan to. I hope to one day, yeah. You should. I will. I will. Not right now.

I have bigger things to fry right now. Wait, let me show you this picture. So you can just have a visual. Okay, ready? Oh my goodness. I'm like more focused on your face. Yeah, I know. Like you don't even have the same face.

No. Are you blown away? Were your parents shocked? My parents are traumatized, right? the whole thing. I'm traumatized. Like, yeah. How long did this happen? Like, it triggers me. Like, really does. Yeah. It's not horrible. Right. Well, I think too, you know, it takes. There's a toll on my body and my brain. Yeah. And I'm tired. It takes a lot of, I think, healing to get to a place where, and I,

you know, I wouldn't say even that because I think that there could be times that you can talk about something or look back at something and it not have an effect on you. And then other times where you look back and it does affect you and trigger you. And that's normal. I think that's part of healing and your journey. And it's not a bad thing. I think it makes you human to have those emotions. And you have every right to feel sad by that because like you said, your life and personality and, you know, your voice was stripped from you. You know? Like that got me. Yeah. my voice. Like everything.

I mean, that is like the biggest thing. That killed me. Because I am a singer. Like, that is like my means to express myself. That's your therapy in a way. Exactly. Exactly. They took away like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I just remember I was in a voice lesson downtown. And I was trying to sing while I was on the meds. And I had a little small breakthrough, but not in a way. way that was, you know, not how I'm singing now. Now I'm singing like, oh my God, I'm back. But I just had a moment in my voice lesson where like something came out of me. And I just started, I just, I broke down. And I was like hyperventilating. My voice teacher was so amazing. And, you know, he just like stopped what he was doing. Like came and just rubbed me on my back.

And like, I'm so happy to be here. Like, truly. All I wanted to do was have a fun trolley night and then this psychotic psychiatrist made me really sick. Yeah. I almost died. But it's so important like you said because there's people that are going through this or have gone through it. And you know, you're on the side of it now where you're able to talk about it, but so many people still aren't.

No. And, you know, you're providing that voice for people as well because too many people, I think, and it's very easy to let this happen, but I think too many people. People allow other people and these traumas and things that happen to them in their life define them and they don't come back from it. So the fact that you were able to, you know, come out on the other side and speak about it. Yeah. Especially this soon after.

Like, it's not like it was like 10 years ago, you know? Right, right. It's just, I feel like you kind of provide and show that there is a light. Thank you. At the end of it. You're exactly right. that is literally why I'm here today. Like, it is,

because, oh my God, if I had been listening to a story like this, when I was in treatment, I would have, like, called 911. I would have been like, get me out of this freaking place. Like, they're drugging me.

Right. I think it also makes you a little bit more aware, which I feel like we live in a world, unfortunately, where it's important to be so cautious and aware. Yeah. You know, like we have to kind of, I feel like the most,

like, her backs all the time. Like you can't trust anyone. And I hate to say that. And there are good people. There are some people that you can trust. But I think that, you know, it goes to show that like we said, just because you're a doctor or professional or something might be regulated. Like it doesn't mean that it can be trusted or that they're doing things properly or right. And, you know, they're, they destroyed someone's life for a period of time. Yep, they did. And that that is something that should be spoken out about. And, you know, like you said, too, it's happening to people in so many different ways. Yeah. Which is so heartbreaking. Oh, yeah. Like, mine, listen, what happened to me is really strange.

Like, it is. Like, I was sitting in an office listening to this psychiatrist tell me I'd slept with multiple men when I literally knew I literally was in bed by like 11 p.m. It's just like I said that which doesn't even make sense to me because even if you did, how does that result in even if someone is promiscuous, how does that make them bipolar? Why does that mean they need to be on 10 different medicate? Like that doesn't even make sense. And I don't think that he, yeah, he can't like he can't know that that makes sense. I think it's a control thing.

It's almost like I think people like that get off on control. Right. And he is the definition of a narcissist. Yeah. So truly, like I was under the care of a narcissistic psychiatrist. And that's your headline for the episode, everybody. Right. That's, that's really it. That's the headline. Right. So in the six years after, what did you find that helped you the most? Like what were some things that you did? Creating. Yeah. I made a whole TV show called I didn't mean to go mental. It's, I made the pilot, like, I wrote it.

I ended up, it was something that I was working on in film school because I was going to film school during treatment. And then I was told, oh, you can't go to film school anymore. You're sick. Yeah. And so I dropped out and then I went back. But it, like, they really ruined, like, you know, trajectory that I had that, who knows where I would have gone. But I think that during these.

six years, like I've been able to process what happened to me through all of my work, which is like my show I didn't mean to go mental, which I star in. Okay. So yeah, I would say that I created a lot. And that probably felt good to get back too. It felt amazing. And in the last year, now that I've had my voice back to, it's been restored to what I know it to be, I, weirdly enough, like serendipitously so, I was on the phone with my friend Craig when I was living in Chicago, FaceTiming, and this woman was like in the room and whipped the phone out of his hand and ended up being my now producer of my debut album, Molly Wilson, who used to manage Carly Simon, who I was named after. And ever since I've just been working on myself and putting myself first,

which is what I've had to do in the last six years, especially these last few years since I was in psych because I tried to take my own life and was admitted there. So ever since then, I've just been patient and things have been happening for me that I hope I deserve. Like, I think I deserve it because I was so not in my right mind. And like, oh, my gosh, I met this amazing producer who's connected to me in this serendipitous way and now I'm recording my debut album.

And I got to process a lot of, like, I have a song called PTSD on my record, worth fighting for, which is coming out January 14th. And then a lot of other songs that reflect like the journey that I've been on the last six years. So I've been busy creating stuff so that I don't have to ruminate. in it so much. And that's like, I don't know, it's kind of what makes an artist, I guess. You know, you write what you know, and that's just how I've been spending my time. Yeah. And that's what I was going to say to you too, you know, obviously, I don't believe that anything, like, while yes, everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Do I think that these bad or traumatic

things should happen? No. But I do think that if they do, we can turn it into something that makes our story meaningful. Yes. Like I feel like, you know, now you're able to use what happened to you in something that you love, you know, like with your creativity. And that'll speak volumes to so many people. Thank you. I'm serious. I appreciate it.

Great. But we're hanging out after this, obviously. But no, like I just feel like, you know, while yes, obviously when you talk about it and you sit here and you refit. flacked it, it can very easily make you emotional and make you upset. But at the same time, you're, you know, everybody's going through a healing journey and a process. And I think that if you're able to take that and turn it into something good and help other people and prevent it from happening or even allow people to have more courage to use a voice and speak up and even recognize like, oh, this might be off or something's wrong here. Like, you're doing wonders. Thank you for

saying that. Because seriously, I've been like stirring about like, do I come on here? Do I talk about it? And it's like, okay. It's scary. It's like, I wonder how people are going to perceive this. Right. Even are going to think it's as bad as it was for me. Like, you know what I mean? But also, everybody handles trauma on things differently. There's somebody that could have something like that happened to them and they're just done for. Like, they don't ever come back from it. There's some People that it might happen to them and it goes right over the head. You don't know how, like, we're human. We're all different.

But that doesn't take away from how it affected you and how it made you feel. That's very real. And you're entitled to that in every single way. Yeah. And, you know, I think it can be very scary speaking out against doctors who are still doing this. Like the place is up and running. Right. And especially when it comes to mental health because I think people are very quick to judge people. I think people are crazy or insane or this, that and the other.

And at the end of the day, like, yeah, at the end of the day, none of that, like the labels of it don't really matter. It's if you're, I think at the end of the day, if any medication or treatment is stripping someone away from who they truly are within, it's a problem. It's a big problem. Yeah. And it's a bigger problem when you go directly to who you're supposed to go to, which is a doctor, to say, I don't feel good on this med. Yeah. Right.

And all they did was not help me. Right. And for their gain. And originally you checked yourself in, right? Of course I did. Yeah. Like, so it's crazy that if you think of it that way, it's like you just want it help. And then it spirals into this bizarre situation.

And it's like this stuff that happened to me when I was a little girl. Like, I didn't even mention that. Like, I've, you know, there's a lot of stuff. I know you probably have to, you know, put a trigger warning on. a lot of people who come on here because it is triggering to hear me say this, but I was sexually abused as a kid and for many years. And I, that all came out in my early 20s and that is why I went away. I'm like, I have to go talk about this under like in a, in a place where I feel safe. Right. And so now that this horrible thing at this treatment center has, it doesn't even

compare to what I went through as a kid. Like what I went through when I was 24, 25 and the last six years, and that is not something I would wish on anybody. To truly lose yourself and to have no idea what you are, who you are. It's helpless. It's helpless. It's helpless. It's, devastating. It is I will never ever take happiness for granted ever again. If I'm taking anything from

this experience, it's that. And like little things in life. Yeah. Yeah. That's my story, Devorah. Well, I think you did amazing. Thank you. You should be proud of yourself. I am. I am proud of myself. Do you feel less

clammy over there? Do you feel any better? I'm like, I'm like, Did you like feel like get a little bit loose? No, I feel loose. I feel good. I'm like, you know, I'm comfortable. I could probably stay here now for another hour. I don't know if people really want to listen to me.

Once you get it flow in? Was there anything else that you wanted to touch on or you think you got it all? I think that's the main story. There's a lot of shit that happened there that really fucked with me. But it's not something I'm going to talk about today because it's still stuff that I'm unpacking in therapy. And that is my main. Yeah. That's my main.

narrative from that place. I will say in my in my rounds once they said this to me, which is so psychotic, because I'm funny. And if you haven't already guessed or noticed, I like to make jokes and have a good time. And I, um, just that's how I showed up to treatment. Like I was a ball of energy and I just wanted. You had a personality. I had a personality. Could you imagine that? imagine. I can't imagine. Oh my God. And in my round, a doctor said this to me. Well, you don't want to end up like Robin Williams. And I'm like, dude, Robin Williams had dementia, you dumbass. Like, this is the care that I was under. Right. Like, what do you mean? I'm going to end up. Like, are you threatening my life? Like, I'm supposed to be here to get help. Like, I don't know. I think a lot of people aren't very professional. I think they don't have a filter. I think they don't speak before they. think? No. Or think before they speak. Sorry, guys. I wasn't speaking at all. I wasn't thinking before I just moved there, but that's okay. No, they just, they don't. And we live in a twisted

sick world. And like I said, there are some good people. There are some trustworthy people. But unfortunately, you kind of have to sift through to find them. You do. And I'm so glad that you ended up finding an amazing therapist that's take your life. That makes the biggest difference. Shout out to her because she's a blessing. Yes. And I get that. Like, it takes time. I mean, I've said this multiple times on here, too. Like, I was never really somebody that thought that I wanted therapy or needed therapy. I tried it a couple times. Felt very transactional. Didn't like it. And I think, unfortunately, that is the case. It is. And, you know, for a lot. For a lot of it doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't help anything.

No, no. They're giving you charts and breathing exercises. If it was that easy, I don't think we'd have as many problems in the world, but whatever. And then you can find somebody amazing. And it just gives you a different mindset. So, you know, even if it, even if that can be another message in there, like, don't give up on finding the right person or a good person to talk to. Not at all. They are out there. They are. And it's just like dating. You have to be patient and you have to date your therapist. It's trial and error. Yeah. It's trial and error. And what I will say is in the reason why therapy has been so unbelievable for me now is because, one, I have an incredible therapist who got into this profession because she genuinely cares about humans and she's brilliant.

And she allowed me to discover so much on my own. She was just like my guide. And she let it play out and she took care of me and was so methodic about how she took care of me. and because I was not in a good place when I first saw her. I was like having these horrible episodes. I like hammered my hand during one of an episode. Like I was so out of it that I took a hammer to my hand. And I don't know.

The rest is, I woke up, you know, in a weird state of confusion. And my hand was all black and blue from me just hammering the shit out of myself. because I was made and manipulated to, like, hate myself so much at this place. They almost, like, made you lose your mind. I did lose my mind. Oh, I sure did. And yourself and everything. And everything.

And everything. But, yeah, you know what? I am, I'm alive and well. Yeah. And you're here to talk about it. And I'm here to talk about it. And now I'm, like, living my dream. I'm, like, literally in the midst of releasing my debut album, which is incredible.

Yeah, it's incredible. It's 14 songs. It's a story. And there are some songs that are, you know, inspired by the time that I, like, especially worth fighting for. The one that's coming out soon, you'll be like, oh, yeah, this is where you were at mentally. But yeah, I think going from here now and like, because this is like a huge deal for me to be coming on here and like telling this story.

I feel like this is a huge milestone and what I'm trying to do right now, which is exactly what we said earlier, which is literally making meaning out of what happened to me. And I'm doing so in this album, the beauty of it all. And that's what the record's called. And yeah, I get to leave here today knowing that like, oh, I just. You made a difference. I hope so. I did.

I hope so. I hope so. And now I get to go. It's a screw them. I'm going to go make art, live my life, hopefully be a pop star. You will be. Okay.

Thank you. So there's gonna be a day when you're really fucking famous. Oh my God. And I was on. We're all in. That I had you on my podcast. Wow. You hear that meatball.

That's pretty cool. You heard that meatball. She's like, I played this whole time. and now I'm ready to nap. But no, seriously, thank you so much for coming on here. Thank you so much for having me. It's a very important story to tell. I agree.

And now I'm alive and well. And I hope to just be a bubble of joy and happiness for people because that's, I can give that now. Yes. Amazing. I love it. Thank you.