We're All Insane - Why She Quit Teaching

Episode Date: February 5, 2023

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought a unique set of behavioral challenges for teachers, especially when it comes to student mental health. The isolation and uncertainty caused by the pandemic can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues among students. This can make it harder for them to focus on their studies and negatively impact their engagement and motivation. It's important for teachers to be aware of the emotional and mental health of their students, and provide support and resources where necessary. It's also important to create a safe and open environment for students to share their thoughts and feelings, and to provide a sense of community and connection, which can help mitigate the negative effects of isolation. Additionally, providing social and emotional learning activities and resources can help promote mental well-being among students. Teachers need far more support from school administrators to meet student needs. Liv is just one of the many teachers who left the profession feeling burned out by the lack of resources, support, and work-life balance.  This is a link to support first-grade teacher Abby Zwerner, who was shot by a student recently: https://gofund.me/80aa97fd If you have a unique story you'd like to share on the show, please email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, it's me Devorah. I just dropped an all new bonus episode inside my new subscription channel, We're All Insane Plus. This week's bonus episode is called My Brain was slipping into my spine. Listen now by subscribing to We're All Insane Plus inside your Spotify or Apple Podcasts app or go to we're all insane.com. Hi, I'm Liv and I'm here to talk about my experience teaching and some of the challenges that I face teaching during the pandemic. All right. I'm here today to talk about my teaching experience, kind of what, you know, has been going on the past few years in the world and the pandemic.

I luckily, unluckily started my teaching experience right in the middle of like global craziness, which has been an experience in itself. And I'll just kind of walk you through what's kind of gotten me here, what I'm doing now. The highs and the lows of teaching, the ends and the outs, and just kind of what I've learned over the years. I was the first born daughter on both sides. I was the first kids, so I was the oldest daughter. And of course, being the oldest daughter, I was like the leader, probably the boss,

a little too bossy. I mean, everybody plays school growing up. My mom is one of 10. So I have like 29 younger cousins. And so growing up, I was surrounded by kids and I loved it. I loved like being the ringleader. I loved organizing the game. and just growing up you could tell that I was definitely inclined to, you know, taking care of kids,

kind of facilitating games, being there playing. It's just like what I love to do. So growing up, I would do a lot of babysitting for my cousins, of course. I would watch my brothers. I was definitely a super responsible kid. I love to help around the house, almost kind of like wanting to do the things that my parents were doing and just help out with my younger brothers. and things like that. So I always knew growing up that I wanted to work with kids. So the second I turned 15 and I could work, I got a job as a lifeguard and a swim instructor. It was my first job and I loved it.

We're outdoors all day long in the sunshine. And the best part about it was that I got to teach swim lessons. And my favorite group was the kids who like didn't want to go in the water. And we're so scared of the water. We literally like dip a toe in and like run around the pool and we just play all these fun games. and I like genuinely enjoyed it. You think you liked the back group of kids because it was more of like a challenge? I don't know if it was more of like a challenge.

I think I just prefer and like gravitate towards like the younger kids, like preschool age almost. It was like the younger group. Like almost like third grade and below like eight and below. I feel like teachers always say like they have like a cup of tea and definitely like the younger kids were like my cup of tea to like be around. And so just every. thing from like high school on to college, I only worked with kids. That's all I really wanted to do for work. I wanted to gain the experience because I knew that I wanted to be a teacher. And so I worked

in preschools and I did tutoring, anything I could really do to just gain that extra experience. I worked as a camp counselor over the summer. I went to Pennsylvania one summer and worked at a counselor there. It's just like anything that I could do to gain that experience and just like I enjoy. I enjoy I mean, of course, there were challenges at the time. Nothing compared to what I'm seeing now, but growing up, I just, I just knew it was like my passion and other people would tell me that too. It was almost like when you know you're good at something and you know you're kind of drawn to something, like that's how I felt like interacting and helping and supporting kids growing up. And other adults would say like you're so good at this, like you're so drawn to this. Like you should definitely do this.

It was like constant compliments in that area for me. So it was just something that I always knew I wanted to pursue. So I went to college in a program that was kind of known for like their elementary education program. And so, yeah, after high school, I went to college, knew exactly what I wanted to do, didn't need to take a gap year or anything. Like I was just ready to go. I wanted to get my gen eds out of the way. I wanted to get into classrooms. I wanted to do the observations and just like really starting to get like my feet wet.

And it was interesting because I feel like the first two years of college is kind of like what everybody's is. You know like the gen ed's like the biology, physics, whatever, whatever. And then you finally get into it, I feel like in your third year, kind of like the strategies of teaching, effective teaching. And like I don't know how you like grew up and went to school, but I feel like we were kind of sitting all day listening to things. the teacher doing like worksheets and then we go home. And I just remember being in college and it was

just like transforming like the way I saw education. And I think it was just starting to transform like education as a whole. That's what I was seeing because we were not being taught about like worksheets. We were pretty much told like if you were up at the board teaching for more than 10 minutes, it's too long. Kids don't have an attention span for that. So this is what they taught you in college. Yeah. That's interesting. So let me ask, when you, this might be jumping ahead too far, but I'm just like curious.

I don't want to lose my train of thought. Yeah, I know. Two things. One, did you know, did you have any idea of like what you wanted to teach or you just knew you wanted to teach kids? I knew I wanted to teach kids and you also have to pick like in my state, you have to pick either early childhood. So like birth through second grade, that's one you can pick.

You can pick kindergarten through sixth grade. That's the one I did elementary. You could do middle school or you could do high school. I know before, like teachers could get kindergarten through 12th grade and they can kind of be certified to teach everything, but they really split it now. So you were teaching elementary school, but was that like every subject? Yeah. Okay. I got it. And then my other question is, and I ask this because in my opinion, well, it's not my opinion.

It's the facts. Public school and private school are very different. And I never really realized that until I'm older now and I look back and I realize how much better. the educationist in private schools because in public schools it was just worksheets and like staring at the teacher and the board and be you know not really being present yeah but in the private schools it's like you know you had to be present because there was work you were doing and it was very interactive and the education was just like so much better so I thought like I think it's interesting um that they were teaching you such I feel like positive education in college

but I guess my question is were they just teaching that as like for you to like no matter where you go, what kind of school you teach at, or was that more like designated, like, for like a private school type thing? Yeah, it's like, it's interesting. I don't have a ton of experience with the private school system. I only taught public school, but I think it was just kind of the direction that education was going. Like, me, especially because my college was more, like, specialized for teachers. Like when you say my college, people are like, oh, yeah, that's a teaching school. So maybe that's why, because it was like for that. Okay. Yeah. In our experience there was just kind of like interactive, collaborative, like the kids should be up and moving. Yeah, and it should be.

It should be 100%. Like I couldn't even imagine sitting. I can barely sit through like a meeting. Right. So could you imagine like an eight year old or a five year old in kindergarten sitting all day long doing worksheets, never getting out of their seat? Right. It's just, it's like so old school. Yeah. And it's just not the way the kids should be taught at all. Well, it's good to know that they're teaching that to you guys. Because like, like I said, I never knew. I kind of just looked at it from the perspective of like, okay, this is probably what you get from public school.

It's probably what you get from private school. And I wasn't sure if it was like, you know, if the teachers are taught different or maybe when they get the job, then they kind of just realize, oh, I don't have to really be, you know, as on top of it or making the kids interact. Who knows? But anyway, I think that that's great that they're doing that. So I think it's really important. I think there's definitely pros and cons to both schools.

There's even like charter schools. I'm not even 100% sure, like, what that kind of. tales, I almost just feel like it's like what you kind of have to follow, like, from the government standards. I think private schools, you don't, I could be wrong on this. I think in private schools, though, they have a little more leniency on, like, the curriculum they can push out. Whereas in public schools, like, you kind of have to follow the standards that are from the government, like, to a T. You have to take the state tests. It's like, it's just more mandated, I think. Got it. So then, yeah, like, so in college, like, it's kind of energizing to see that, like,

we're going to be doing all these games with the kids. Like we're learning how we're not just standing up there. Because I remember my teachers would stand up there and they would just be like, it was like memorization. Like you guys need to know this, this and this. It was almost like lecturing all day. And we were more being taught how to ask like questions. It's like we were not really, you know, direct teaching all day.

We were like facilitating this like learning environment. So we were more, the strategy more was like presenting the like the kids with like a problem and then like asking them questions. so that they come to the conclusion. You're not telling them. Right. So it's just more interactive, collaborative, and I was really excited about it. I was like, this is definitely the way education should be going.

This is definitely the way that kids should be taught. Like, I even think, like even some of my friends or family members who maybe don't succeed in that setting of, like, sitting all day, spitting back out information. I'm like, oh, my gosh, this would have changed the course for them if they were educated this way. Like, if they were put into a more supportive or, like, engaging environment, maybe it's they would have, you know, thought better of school or done better in school. So I was really excited to, like, take that on.

And we kind of just went through, like, the course. It's, like, almost like the best strategies for reading, the best strategies for teaching math, for teaching science. And, like, yeah, in elementary school, you teach all the subjects. So reading, writing, math, science, social studies, social emotional learning, which we'll get to. So you're a smart cookie. Third grade level smart cookie.

Well, that's still a smart cookie. Knowing all those subjects, I think I would still fail third grade math, okay? Honestly. Sometimes you do need a refresher. Like before when we would like have a unit coming up, I feel like I never learned this. Right. So we're about to all learn it together everyone. Yeah.

And stuff is constantly changing too. I'm like, Miss P never learned this. So we're all learning this new concept together. I feel like it's good that they're young though because like kids are more forgiving and they don't really pick up on like, I don't know, like, I feel like if you're older, like teaching older kids and you were to say that, they'd probably be like, oh, well, she doesn't know what she's talking about. So why would I listen to her?

You know, that's probably better that you didn't do high school. I would, I could never do. Oh, never. You're so right on that. I feel like the kids love when they're like, what she doesn't know what she's talking about? Right. Everything's like a joke. Yeah.

Yeah, but in high school, they'd be like, who is this person teaching me? Like, what are their credentials? Right. Literally. Pretty much, you know, straight out of college, 21 years old. Like, that's just crazy to think about. So, yeah, like, just going through, like, the best strategies, best practices. It's interesting because I remember thinking back on this.

Like, there was never a class and there was never really, like, a professor who ever talked to us about student behavior or, like, parent communication. And those are both huge things of the job. Yeah, that's interesting. Like, how to talk to a parent on the phone, like, think you're, like, in college, 18, 19, and you're about to phone. you know, somebody who has children, has experience with their children. It's their whole life, is their whole world. And we never really practice like delivering, you know, some unexpected or hard news to, like, parents. And that was one of the hardest things coming out of college for me to do. It's like delivering something to someone like that is just so difficult.

Especially about their child. It's like such a sense of something. You're like, how do I go about this? Exactly. And it's not really something you could experience in before. you know, you join the workforce. So they don't even touch on like, you said, like the behaviors of kids, like bad behavior, like the possibility or anything? I don't remember. There definitely wasn't a designated course being like student behavior 101. Mainly education based.

Yeah. It's mainly like the best teaching strategies. And we would do observations. Like we did a lot like hundreds and hundreds of hours of observations in college. And then we would do, you know, some more like clinical experience in college too where you were more of the teacher role. And that's, I think, where you were supposed to pick up, you know, like what effective teachers were doing about student behavior.

But honestly, there was just never, like, super severe behavior that I saw in college, like, that I could even reference, like, an effective teacher handling. So it's not even really something that I witnessed. Definitely not something I handled. And I really don't think something that we, you know, addressed and talked about. It was more, like, theoretical. Like, oh, like the key to, you know, managing student behavior, which I agree with, is like building good relationships, getting to know your students, being consistent. And it's, but this is all like hypothetical.

It's like, okay, we know we need to do this, but how do you do it? And as a first year teacher, that's one of like the things I think that freaks, you know, teachers out the most coming out of college is how am I going to manage this classroom? and it's it's almost one of like the detriments like if you can't figure this out then the learning is almost never going to happen right like if your classroom is not under control and the students you know behavior is not under control then it's so hard to facilitate a learning environment and so doing something that's so important you think would be kind of like addressed a little more and I just remember thinking back and I was like and I don't know if anything could have prepared me really but I just remember thinking back and thinking like I just wish that maybe we was talked

about a little more or maybe how you would be feeling when something like that happens. But overall I had a really good college experience. I feel like I learned a lot. I enjoyed it. And then my senior year, you in my state, you only have to student teach half the year. And I just like wanted to jump in. I just loved it. and was so passionate about it.

There was a program where you could teach the full year. So I gave it my senior of college and I moved home. And I joined like this cohort where you could student teach the entire year instead of just a semester. So you really got, you know, the first day of school with the kids. You kind of got to see all the planning from a teacher. You're almost like when your student teaching, you're like cooperating teachers, like, not assistant, but you're kind of a team. Okay.

So you're like working hand in hand with the new teacher. Yeah. Like you're both taking ownership of the class and it's their job to just kind of guide you, give you their best practices, their day to day, like their planning strategies. And this is like the most meaningful practice you can get before being thrown out there for sure. Because you're kind of in it every single day. And you have like this mentor helping you every single day. Yeah, like you're not alone.

You kind of get to like test the waters with the support if you need it. Yeah, so I moved home and I was assigned to a first grade classroom for the entire year, which I was so excited about because they're just so, like, cute and fun in first grade. And I like love being like goofy with the kids and silly. And sometimes when you get to the older grades, they think that's so lame. And that's, yeah, they don't, they think you're so lame. They don't want to sing the songs anymore. They don't want to play games. They don't want to do like any of the fun silly things anymore.

So I was so excited about being assigned to first grade. I remember I got to help my cooperating teacher, like set up her classroom, which I was so excited about, and just kind of like dive right in with her. The thing about student teaching, and I don't know if this shocks people, it always shocks me. Like, we were also still taking college courses the first semester. So, like, we weren't there five days a week first semester, but I want to say like three days a week. And the other two, we were still meeting together and taking college classes. So we're taking the college classes. We are helping, like the first semester, you're not really full takeover of the classroom,

but you're still there every single day, like helping with the classroom, helping with the management, helping with the planning. So we're doing that. And then we're also like helping develop like curriculum, helping do the plan. So it's like you have all these things on your plate and then you are also not getting paid for student teaching. Right. So it's all experience. It's all experience.

It's basically like an internship in a way. Yeah, it's like an unpaid internship in a way. But by the end, like, you really are, like, taking over the whole classroom. Like, you're teaching all day and your cooperating teacher is kind of just, like, observing and doing their own thing. So it's almost like you're working like a full-time job and you can't do another job. So if you needed to bring in money during that year, like, they tell you, like, you cannot have another job while you do this.

Right, where would the time be? No, exactly. So was the teacher, were they, like, kind of like, I know that you said they were observing. but did they have to report back how you were doing to somebody? Yeah. Okay. We had a supervisor for our cohort. So there was probably like 10 to 15 of us and we would meet for classes.

We would meet for debrief. We would like help each other. And then we had a supervisor who would also come in and observe us. But our cooperating teacher was observing us as well and kind of like reporting back on that. So we're kind of going through and we had so many first graders. I remember we had like, I think, 28 or 30 first graders in a room. Oh, God. And only, like, four tables.

So, like, seven kids sat at each table. So just, like, imagine the attention span of, like, a six-year-old. And you can't even blame them. They want to talk to their friends. It was always so loud in there, which I, like, really didn't mind at the time. I feel like my patience was, like, so good at the time. I can't even speak to that now. But I just remember my cooperating teacher just, like, hated that it was always so

noisy, which I totally get now even only doing it for three or so years. Like it just kind of like wears on you, like almost that being like out touched or like the sensory overload. It's just almost like wears on you a little bit. I think it's stressful too because when there's that many kids, like no matter what the age, I think that, I mean, especially at that age, I feel like kids want attention so bad. And it's like at least there was two of you, but even two is nothing to like 28 or 30 kids. So it's like I think that, you know, if you, like you said, if you have the class under control all as well, but if you don't, it's like a bunch of kids that are just like, want attention and want to talk and like have fun like you said. So it makes it really difficult,

you know? Yeah, exactly. And I know that my cooperating teacher had just moved from like second grade to first grade. She was really experienced. But she had to taught first grade in a while. So that was kind of a challenge because she was figuring out as well, like with me. me, whereas I kind of would have liked to be with someone who kind of had the grade, like, under their belt a little bit more. It just felt like we were flustered a lot together, almost like flying by the seat of our pants, like every single day trying to figure it out. We had a lot of students who were English language learners too. And in first grade, like, you learned to read. So there was just a lot of academic needs that were just so hard to

address, even with two people. Right. You know, like, it's. it's almost like you need these specialized programs for all these students, especially for their literacy when they're learning to read and maybe English is their second language. And I just remember it was just so overwhelming. Like even sitting on the rug trying to do a read aloud, like the kids didn't fit on the rug. They were like spilling over the rug. And it just shocked me how she did not have like an aid. Like the school didn't give her like a second set of hands. I mean, I was there, but for the first semester I wasn't there every day and I would leave it, you know, when I graduated. So it was just like in that situation, she just definitely needed like more support for sure.

And that's why I always think like she was definitely doing the best that she could. But then there was just things that I was noticing too that we learned that we're not like best practice, I guess. I mean, the first graders were doing a lot of worksheets. It was a lot of direct instruction. We weren't playing a lot of games. And I get it because it's like how do you plan and get caught up and want to do all of these like interactive, engaging, involved things. But it's like you can't almost like get settled. Like you can't step off the hamster wheel for a second.

Like you have to keep pushing out something. So it's like a worksheet is better than nothing. So you, when it comes to something like that, you don't really have. control because you're in their school kind of thing. Exactly. So I remember that was like really frustrating for me. Yeah, for sure. I wanted to like plan things that were maybe different,

but I was also nervous to even bring them to the team. It also becomes I feel like less fulfilling for you because I feel like you were expecting to do all these things. And I feel like what you liked was the interaction with the kids. And then that's taken away when it's just like worksheets handed out. And I think too, something else I wanted to mention that I feel like is just probably an issue is there are so many kids and I feel like maybe some, like there's teachers are limited. You know what I mean? And like, and even space, you know, like if a school doesn't have

enough space to even, let's say, like split the class up and create another classroom with another teacher, like it just kind of sucks because it's almost like the kids and the teachers kind of suffer. Like, yeah, it is kind of like, let's get through this together. But it's a challenge. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So I just like, I just remember being a little frustrated by that. It almost felt like I was doing the work, but I was almost like just going through the motions, because I didn't really have like the creative control to really change anything. And it's like, there was like a first grade team. So there's another teacher and you kind of have to plan with that teacher. I couldn't just like go rogue in our classroom and then have the other teacher not do what

we're doing. And I just remember the whole year being like, okay, when I am a teacher and I have my own classroom, like, I'm going to do things so differently. Like every day I was like, it was almost like I was kind of picking up what I almost didn't want to do. I feel like in student teaching, which is powerful in itself. Like you're kind of seeing the effects of things that you don't want to implement in your classroom. So I think it was overall a good experience. I definitely think it could have been a little better. I remember being just so nervous starting out to even like lead and get comfortable in the classroom. So I think that's the biggest thing I definitely learned, like kind of standing up there, you know, being comfortable with people watching you, because it's

almost like I was comfortable with the kids, but it's kind of a different story when you have an experienced adult or multiple adults in the classroom and almost being comfortable like teaching in front of them as well and being still like yourself and having your personality and being silly when there's like these adults observing you all the time. Because we were observed like probably once a week and we would debrief it all the time. I think coming out of that experience, I was definitely comfortable being in the classroom. I picked up things that I definitely wanted to implement and things that I was like, this will never happen in my classroom, which is fine.

Everybody has their own style. Everybody is doing what's best, you know, for them in their classroom in that time. And I was just so excited to like get out there, get my first job, graduate. But in order to graduate and in order to get your teaching license, you have to submit, at least in my state, you have to submit yourself teaching, like several clips of you teaching. And you have to like comment on what you're doing, why you're doing it. When you say clips, do you mean like video clips? Yeah, sorry, video clips.

You have to like record yourself teaching? Yes. Like to the actual class? Yeah, multiple times. It would be like, um. I can only imagine. Like believe it or not. Yeah.

Like I am fine on camera like this or like in other people's things. But like the reason I don't personally make videos anymore is because. When I know that I'm performing for a camera, it's so difficult for me. Because it's like you want to keep, like if you mess up one thing, you're like, oh, we got to start over. Exactly. Oh my gosh. I can't imagine. It was like three days of filming.

So you had to make like a three day unit pretty much. Your goals. Like you had to plan the whole thing. Film it. Pick the clips that you wanted to submit and comment on every movie, like every move you made and why. And then it was all of these questions. And my whole submission for like my licensure was probably 100 pages of typing. Wow.

I don't think people know that. No, that's, I would have never seen. That's a lot of work. That's like a project. Yeah. It's and you're still like teaching the class. Like you're still doing your planning and you're still taking full control of the class while you're trying to submit this huge like assessment for your licensure and, you know,

answer all these questions and cite all the evidence. And if you get it back and you fail, it's, I think it's like a $400. you have to keep paying for. And just keep redoing the whole thing from scratch. Yeah. So it's like a huge stressor. How long did it take to do that? I mean, it was like three days of filming.

And I remember my family went to Arizona on vacation. Like the week it was due. And I don't even think I saw them. I think I was up all night in the hotel, like just like typing. Like all week. And then I would go and sit by the pool and I would just like keep typing and rewatching clips. I think it was like a full week or two weeks of just. grinding on this project because you want to submit it and you want to be done.

Yeah, you don't want to have to do it again. Yeah. And it kind of messes up your graduation, I'm pretty sure, too. I don't think, I don't know if it's you don't get your degree or it's on hold, but I think you definitely need to get this before you can go to graduation. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if a lot of people know, but like to be a teacher too, you have to take several content tests.

So like no notes or anything. It's kind of like remembering like there's a math, reading, social studies, all of these content you have to kind of memorize, which also doesn't make sense because if you forget something, you can easily just look it up and like reteach yourself. Yeah. But you take all of these content tests just to prove, I guess, that you know like the basics of the basics. And then you have to do this huge like licensure thing. So it's it's kind of involved like at the end. Just getting all of your papers in, all of your materials in. They don't just like let you graduate and go. Like you do have to prove some things to, you know, the state or whatever situation you're in. I know it's

different state to state, but so I got that in, past. Good. Congratulations. Thank you. It just comes out. I haven't passed this whole time. I just in teaching. I know.

I had to take it five times. I'm here now. No, passed, graduated. So excited, like on the job hunt all summer long. Hey, I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American Criminal. On this season, robbery gone wrong or cold-blooded murder. Either way, Boston will never. ever be the same.

Listen to American Criminal, the murder of Carol Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts, or to get early ad free access, subscribe in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or at Americancriminal.com. Did you know what school you wanted to work at? Like, were there any that you had in mind?

I think in my head, like in a perfect world, I wanted to kind of be around where I grew up because I liked the schools there. but it was it was a little like even the district I student taught in where you kind of had like credibility and you know like the teachers know you the staff know you there was no openings of that district at all so I think it's kind of hard coming out of college for first year teachers to kind of land like that dream job the districts that are you know like low turnover a lot of resources obviously everybody wants to work there, right? So it's kind of hard coming out of college. You

don't really have a ton of experience. You just did your student teaching, but it's hard to take ownership of that year because it's like you want to say like, well, we did this. But what districts are kind of looking for is like, no, you did this and this is why. Like it's, it's almost like you have to step into your own without having your own classroom really. So I remember applying like a bunch that summer going on several interviews. Definitely like a lot of disappointment. Ties and lows in that process for sure. At some schools, you have to go in and teach a lesson to like students you've never met before. You just kind of step in and like try and teach and you don't even know their names. So to the best of your ability, that's part of your interview

to like teach a lesson. I give you credit. I can do a lot of things, but I do not think I could do that. something about like I can't I actually can't about to I'm like trying to imagine it as you're sitting you're telling it yeah I definitely couldn't because I feel like even when I was younger and they would kind of make us go to the front of the class and like I don't know write something on the board or do something the thought of like everyone's sitting there and actually staring I anyway I like had an interview one time and it was only me and four students so it was like a small group interview and there was like eight adults behind us just taking notes yeah just like watching your every move.

Every move. And then the students leave and you like debrief with those eight adults like in your interview. And you tell them like why you did something and kind of the choices you made as a teacher. And it's really intimidating. If you think like when you're out of college, you're 20, 21 and not really put in an interview situation like that. No.

And those are not normal interviews. No. That's really intense. That is really. And that's the thing too. And I'm, that's another reason why kind of like what I said on our call, why I'm glad that you're coming on to talk about it. because I do think that there's a lot of people that probably think, like, oh, like a teacher,

they just, they're just teachers. You know what I mean? Like, they like to be around kids and that's it. But, I mean, I didn't even know, like, what goes into actually becoming a teacher, how much you need to know, even if it's for third graders, you still need to know. And then all of these tests and these interviews, I'm really telling you, I could not do that. That's intense. It's pretty intense.

And I remember like, I remember one position. I came down to like the final two. I wanted it so badly. And they told me at the end like over like 800 people applied for one position. It was just, it's so competitive for the districts that are kind of like sought after. So I got a job. It wasn't like my number one choice just because it was a little farther from, I was living at my parents the first year out of college, just trying to save money.

Right. And it was a little farther from their house. It wasn't like my first choice of district at the time, but I was just like so excited to have my classroom that I just didn't even really care. I think my first year of teaching, I think my salary was like $38,000. My paycheck every two weeks wasn't even $1,000. So obviously going into teaching, I'm sure you knew like it wasn't going to be, you know, like a lot of money.

But I guess after getting those paychecks, did you find that that was? was that you lost like motivation at all or that it kind of was like oh like you know basically I'm really doing this because I love it not because it's going to maybe support me as much as I needed to you know yeah that's like definitely what I told myself and honestly my family and friends like up to this point because you know what when people when you tell people you want to be a teacher it's like one of two things it's like oh that's so great like you're going to do a great job at that or it's like you're going to make no money. Right.

They make no money. Yeah. And so you know that. That's the expectation. However, I mean, it's hard. You get a grasp, I think, in college when you're on your own of like financials and budgeting and how important money really is to live and live a life you want. Right.

However, I don't think I fully grasp that like until I was like, and I wasn't even on my own. I was lucky enough to live with my parents. I don't think I even grasp that until I felt like I was breaking even my first year of teaching. I can't believe. I mean, I still can't believe that teachers are so underpaid. Yeah. Like that is actually crazy.

And the whole thing is I'm assuming teachers at maybe private schools or stuff or whatever get paid more. But I think it's the opposite actually. Really? Yes. I again, I could be wrong and I've never worked. Well, regardless, they're underpaid. But I'm pretty sure they actually get paid. paid less in private schools because it's less regulated.

I'm just like actually shocked at like and I'm just over here like thinking that's that's actually insane because honestly like I think that I mean people some people might not agree about it really go fuck but like I think that like a job of like a nurse is just as important as a teacher. I mean you're literally you have what 30 people's children like that's like your responsibility in your hands. You're giving them an education. like that's a lot of work.

Yeah. You're, who am I going to have to yell at? I'm going to go in a petition. I know. And that's kind of like my intention I feel like for being here too is just I feel like people don't realize maybe all of like the responsibilities and what is on our plate and on our shoulders.

And honestly like weighs on our heart day and night even when you're done teaching out of the classroom. And it has to really be out of like love and compassion that you're doing it. Because if not, why would somebody want to stick with it? You know, it's stressful. And then it's like, what's the, you know what I mean? Like, unless you're like, you really love what you do, it's like, I feel like you get to a point too.

You're like, is this even worth it? You know? Yeah. And we'll get to my point for sure. No, we'll get to my breaking point. There's several breaking points for sure. But it's sad though. It really is sad because there's people like you that probably love to teach, love being around

kids. But it's just, I mean, that's nearly like impossible. feel like because unless you have a partner that's helping you out right what are you going to do live paycheck to paycheck that's like yeah basically rack up credit card debt honestly um and that's honestly what I ended up doing like I taught the whole year there and I'll go more into like my first year of teaching experience but um yeah like I remember coming out and I was like I feel like I really just broke even like I feel like I didn't even like save any money and I was living my parents and I just remember I don't know if it didn't it didn't stop motivating me because

I did love it. I think people do get caught up too and like, well, it's like it's a labor of love. Like it's a job like you're that you're so passionate about. Like we need our teachers. We love our teachers. But it's like it's still a job. Yeah. It's still a job.

Like we can love it and be passionate. Yeah. You need to put a roof over your head and feed yourself. But it's still its job and you know, people still have bills. Right. Exactly. Or like if you want you should be able to get things if you want things to. Yeah.

Absolutely. So that I, I remember thinking like this is definitely going to be a challenge. Yeah. But again, I was so excited. I didn't even really care. I just wanted to have my classroom. And I remember like walking in the first day, looking around. I was just so excited to decorate it. It's like one of the things that I feel like all teachers look forward to every single year, decorating their classroom, getting to make it how they want. And when you walk into your classroom, you probably have like, like, like some desks, some chairs, and like a bookshelf. Everything else is like teacher funded. And I think I spent like definitely over a thousand, like thousands of dollars on my first classroom because I had nothing. So it's like your responsibility to make the whole thing like how you want it. And that's all on you.

Yeah. And I think this is like a point of contention for people too because I think people say like, well, you don't have to do that. It's like, yeah, we don't have to do that. But then we would be sitting in a room. And a box. With nothing on the walls. Nothing on the floor.

Like no color, no decorations. Like, we'd literally be sitting in like this, like, almost like a prison cell. Exactly. And nobody wants to come and learn in that environment. No, it's not fun. There's no, like, right. You need. And I think, too, like, even when I was, this is just something I remember I was a kid,

but like when we would put like little stars if we were good. But like little things like that that I feel like get the kids like motivated to like younger behavior and things like that or participate or whatever it may be. Yeah, it's like you have to make it welcoming. And you spend as a teacher more time there than your house. So you want it to be welcoming for you too. It's like a second home. So I kind of, I definitely like bawled out for it.

It was definitely excessive. Could have cut it back. But I feel like that's just who I almost like am. Like I'm almost like a zero to 100 kind of person. I'm in the same way. Yeah. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it well. And you know what?

I'm going to even like exceed that. I'm going to do it like 150%. Right. Which probably ultimately led to my burnout and things like that, which we'll get to. But I just don't do anything. I feel like half-assed. I have to do it 100% because I feel like my standard for myself is like almost unattainable sometimes. Probably comes from being like the oldest daughter and like being like the leader growing up.

So I want to start the year just putting my best foot forward, creating a space for these kids to feel so welcome. My first job was actually fourth grade, which was something, a grade that I didn't, like, know that I wanted to be in. I didn't have a ton of experience with, like, the older intermediate kids. So they're nine turning 10. But again, I was just so excited. I was like, we're going to learn together. I'm sure it'll be great. I'm sure it'll be fun.

And I went in and I met like the most, one of the most amazing coworkers I've had, my fourth grade teammate. And she just took me under her wing right from the start, right from the beginning. She's super experienced veteran teacher. I learned so much from her throughout the year. And this is like another thing for teachers. I feel like if you don't have someone who is supporting you at school, it's like even 10 times harder. And I was lucky enough that throughout all of my experiences, I did kind of have like that person or that group of person or group of people. And so yeah, I was just so grateful for her.

She was like almost like just kind of like a work mom for me and my first year of teacher. So I'm as a first year teacher. So I'm 21 years old and I am responsible for I think like 22 fourth graders, which is crazy to think about. It is. Like you're dropping off your kids. Not to say I wasn't trained and I wasn't like capable, but it's just crazy to think about like you're dropping off your kids and they're going to spend the day with this.

this new teacher, 21 years old, figuring it out, like young girl. And it kind of like weighs on you. You almost get like a little imposter syndrome. Like can I actually do this? Am I capable of doing this? And I just remember like those feelings like leading up, leading up. And like the first day of school, I was like so nervous. I literally like couldn't sit still. I thought nothing was done in the room. And then the second the kids walked in, I was just like so happy. I was like just like, at the door like, good morning, welcome to fourth grade. Like, it was, I just remember having such a good experience at first. And just being so happy that like we were there, we were there together.

And like the first couple weeks of school are fun. Right. So we got to play all these games, get to know each other. And similar to like my last couple years, there's definitely a honeymoon phase, you know, where everyone's on their best behavior. Everyone's so nice and fun. And then they warm up. Yep, there's no behavior issues.

There's nothing like that until there is. Yeah. So I was doing my best to lay down the law. And I think your first year, it's so hard because you, like, want to get to know them. And you don't really want to bring that side out of you. It's almost like I thought that you kind of had to be not like yelling, but I thought that you had to be so stern. Like you had to instill fear into them.

And that was just never my style. I just focused on being like consistent and trying to be consistent with the rules and, you know, like building the community. And it was, I never wanted to be like the teacher. You know, like the scary teacher you always remember that like scream at you, make you cry. Like that was never what I wanted to be. But I think there's also this huge disconnect between newer teachers and not all. But I think some, like, better and older teachers of like, they're like, well, no, that's how you control the class.

That's what you have to do. Especially if they're a little bit older. Yeah. So you're almost like battling with like yourself and like, that's not my style. I'm not going to do that. I know that's like damaging with like, oh, but how are you going to control your class? Then they're going to walk all over you. So it's just like figuring out my style and my management was definitely a learning curve.

And then I feel like the things like started to pop up. You know, they're in fourth grades. They're nine turning 10. And this was probably like the oldest group of fourth graders. You probably could have ever been around. They were all on Snapchat. There was like issues with their communication outside of school. Parents would bring that in and say like they were messaging each other inappropriate things,

which I can't do anything about outside of school. And they would bring that in into school. And I just remember like when things started to pop up, it was almost gradual, I feel like, with this class. It was just started to be like blurting out, talking over me while I'm teaching. And then I feel like it just almost escalated with some of the students and some of their behaviors. And before I talk about like individual students and their behaviors, I just want to say like I know that I never blamed a student or took personally what a student did or said. Right.

Like they're a child. They're figuring it out. And they quite often, when there is severe behavior, they have other things going on. Absolutely. And I worked in schools where there was a high population of like low income families. And a lot of the time that does come with different risk factors, protective factors. Maybe there was times that students are coming to school. They didn't eat dinner last night.

They didn't eat breakfast. They're in the same clothes all week. There's just a higher possibility of situations like that. Maybe there's a full household at home. They can't sleep. It's so loud. They only live with one parent. And different challenges have come with that.

Maybe both parents are just working so much. They're not getting attention at home. There's just different situations that students bring in with them as they walk through the door every day at school that you cannot control as a teacher. You can only be there for them, love them, support them, and try and give them the tools to succeed and get through whatever they're going through. But there's literally no way to know the extent of what every student is going through. Right. And I could kind of tell, like a couple of my fourth graders definitely did have some trauma or some traumatic situations going at home.

And it definitely led into like their student behavior at school. Like I think like when I got my first like fuck you from like a nine year old, it's almost like you can't even take it seriously because their voice is so small. Yeah. But it's also like could you imagine growing up like nobody ever did that in my classes growing up. I feel like in elementary school. No. I would never. No.

And I think too what I was going to say is like while it's not at all like the kids fault, you're still kind of like teacher mom. You know what I mean? So it's like, I mean, even with babysitting, even if you're babysitting one kid, like, if they're acting out, that on its own is still stressful. You know what I mean? So it's like if you have multiple students, plus like a full classroom of students that are ready to like work and listen and they're being present, I can't imagine how hard and stressful that would be. And it is, even if you don't take it personally, it's like you just want to throw your hands up in there and be like, I can't do this. Yeah. No, exactly.

And I think it's, I mean, it's hard to not take it personally. I feel like especially when you're starting home. So I definitely took a lot more home. And I've learned from then you really can't. Like a behavior is just always a way a student is trying to communicate with you. And a lot of the time, it is because you are one of their safe people that they feel like they can do that. But like you said, like the problem with that is that you are taking on maybe. that student's trauma and you're trying to be the psychologist for them, the social worker,

the mom, you know, the behavior coach. You're trying to be all those things for that one student when you have 20 other students in the room. And a lot of the time, and in my, especially my past year, which we'll talk about, it was not one student that you had to give all that attention to that clearly needed so much support and help. It's usually several students. And so balancing that and trying, and you know me, got to give $150, like balancing that and trying to support the students the way they deserve and give them the resources they deserve. It's just, the system is just not set up for a teacher to be able to do that on their own. And especially like straight out of college, I didn't know where to start with some of the

behavior. Like I would talk to our social worker. I would talk to my coworkers and just try, I would try everything. I had a student who would have outbursts at every lesson. We couldn't, I couldn't say like five words without there being an outburst. I remember in like February, the whole class was working quietly on something and I looked around and I was like, we made it. Like finally.

Like I don't think I've ever heard the class this quiet. Like we made it. And I think that was that was the biggest challenge. There was just so many outbursts, several inappropriate comments. I remember having to call a parent because I had a student in the middle of math, just stand up from their seat and scream, dicks as loud as they could. Like, what do you even do? Right. What did you do?

Sit down? Yeah, literally. Don't say that again. Yeah. Yeah. And it's almost like you can't even entertain it because when you do it makes it worse. Right. So it's like a line between letting the class know, that's not okay.

I don't put up with that. But also, you don't want to give more attention to it. So it's like a balance between ignoring, you know, the behavior and also addressing it. And obviously I've like picked up things from then, but I just remember being like, okay, let's like turn our pages. Like it was just, it's so, I was so wonderful. And then having to call a parent and tell. And like, I feel like there are some.

parents that are nice and be like, thank you so much for letting me know. I'll definitely make sure this doesn't happen again. And then there's probably some, like, did you ever deal with any parents that were kind of like, I guess in denial? Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like that could be really challenging because you're just trying to help. But I know that a lot of people can probably get defensive about their child and just not want to hear our teacher's opinion. Exactly. Well, I, I'm not a parent. So I can't imagine how difficult it is to be a parent. And I have like the utmost respect for what any parent is doing for their child, of course, but definitely like challenging situations.

And a lot of people when they ask me about teaching, they're always like, oh, probably left because the parents. And I'm like, because when you think of, I feel like is the parents who are like banging down your door, like wanting to talk to you all the time. And I wish that was the case for my experience. but most of my teaching, I had great parents. I had great families, but I also had a large handful of families. You could never get a hold of. You can never get them on the phone, never get them on email, like try to chase them outside

after school. You could never talk to them. And unsurprisingly, those are the families that you usually did need to talk to. And so honestly, I wish there was a little bit more of a presence because I think it's so important that like your child knows that as a parent you think education is important and you're going to be involved with the school and the teacher and you're going to be checking up on them and making sure they're doing a good job so yeah I had my like first bad parent experience at my first school and I just like remember like sobbing I think I still have the email should I read it

you go ahead I think I can imagine like I think I saved that would probably it's hard for many reasons. I think I saved it because I would look back and be like, I can't believe. I let this like affect me so much. Right. But think like you're 21. Yeah. You don't know.

No. I don't know. Yeah. And it is a sensitive subject for both parties, you know. So it's like it's challenging. Right. And sometimes like if you can't, you don't get a hold of them, you don't really have a relationship with them.

So you haven't been able to tell them the good things that their student is doing. Right. The first time they're hearing from you is this like negative. Yeah, is this negative. You don't want to hear that as a parent. Like I totally get that. You don't want your teacher to, you don't want your students or your child's teacher to be calling you with this.

Like you know them at home. You're the parent. They know their child best. And sometimes they don't see any of that at home. Yeah. So it almost is a little hard to believe for parents sometimes. But yeah, I remember this was like so unhinged. And I cried the entire way home.

Oh, no. Yeah. I like sobbed. So did you send an email to this parent and then this was their response back? No, I remember I like have never, I remember I could never get this parent on the phone, never could get this parent in email. They missed their parent teacher conferences and I'm like the last person to judge. Like everyone has their own things going on. Everybody is doing their best, I think.

And it's like all positive intentions from the parents. They want the best for their child. I think it just sometimes comes off a little unhinged in an email. Yeah. So I just remember reading this and just losing it. Losing it. She said, hello, Ms. P. I have never received any of your emails.

And I just remember, like, she would always say this. And I'd be like, where are they going? Yeah. Where did you get my email or my phone number? Um, hold on, let me just make sure. Okay. You're good. Not like outing anybody's.

You're good. Oh, yeah. Okay. So just like a little backstory now that I'm like remembering this, this student would come to school and sleep like all day. So that's, I think what I finally needed to email her this. Like you're, I really tried not to include any sensitive information in email. I would rather give them on the phone. But it came to the point where I was like, she's sleeping all day every day.

Like somebody needs to let this parent out. And that was so common during my entire teaching experience. Students would sleep in the back of the room all of the time, which is like so heartbreaking that they're so tired that they need to come to school and sleep there. It just makes you think like what is going on where they can't get that sleep or what's going on with them. So I remember trying to reach out to her being like, she's sleeping in class. And I think one day she was like, I'm not feeling. well, I need to go home.

I said her to the nurse. I'm like one of those teachers who are like, if you go to the bathroom, if you go to the nurse, even if you just went, I'm just like, just go. It's like not worth the grief. You know, like just go until like it's proven otherwise that maybe you can't go to the bathroom by yourself or you can't go to the nurse. Or it's like the nurse can handle if you're seeing her too much. I'm always just like just go.

Yeah. And I guess she went home and said that I didn't let her go to the nurse. And it's like logged that she went to the nurse. Right. And this is like another thing with parents, huge miscommunications all the time. Like your child is saying one thing. We're saying one thing. It's like where do we meet in the middle sometimes?

So she said, my student specifically said, she told you she was not feeling well. Can you also provide a log summary of dates and times that she has fallen asleep in class because she does not have a bedtime? time. So I'm like, okay. She goes, like she told you that her kid doesn't have that time. Okay. She goes, if the time is after lunch, maybe her lunch is too heavy. Okay, fair. Also, nothing I can control. Um, it appears not in just this case that my student is getting their words mixed up and is saying one thing you staff is saying another. Um, lastly, the only emails I have ever received from you is that my student is apparently missing her school supplies

and that she is somehow delusional that her things are missing and you called her a liar. Okay. And I was like, can we just like stop and think about this for a second? Yeah, like it just, I think too, like, it clearly she's coming from a very defensive, kind of somewhat angry standpoint. Yeah. And then it's like if you can't respond to that. How do you respond to that?

You know what I mean? Well, if you're thinking, like, logically, too, I feel like, what, like, do I or any teacher get out of, like, saying your child is a liar and they're delusional for missing their school supplies? I probably just emailed them and was like, you know, they're upset. They're missing some school supplies. Do you have them at home? Because we don't have them here. Yeah. And also, it's like it's all out of concern and wanting to help the students succeed.

Yeah. So. On both ends for sure. And then she was just like, I hope you can see where I'm going with it. if my student is tired, she would have said that and she told you that she didn't feel well. So can you explain how she was able after several hours of leaving school come home and tell me verbatim that I said she would be all right and maybe to just try going to bed earlier? And I'm like, well, if she doesn't have bedtime, maybe she could come in earlier.

But again, it's, I mean, you know, every household runs differently. And she just goes on to say, I just don't see that happen. and her being able to repeat that and that she is being dishonest. This is the second time that this happened where I'm supposed to believe that my child is wrong and I can just can't believe she was lying, especially yesterday, and I know that she was under the weather. And I would just read it and I was like, this is like not even the crazy part, I feel like, but I was just reading this and I was like, but she went to the nurse.

Like if you just called me and was like, why didn't you let her go to the nurse? I'd be like, no, it's long. You can talk to the nurse. But then just to sit there and type this whole thing out is just, it's just a little crazy. Also, why haven't you called me or reached out is a concerned teacher should? You lack communication. This is not my first year as a mother with a child in school. All my child's other teachers knew me very well, communicated in a timely fashion.

Not just that they thought issues, what they communicated with me when they thought issues could escalate. I am far from slow or naive and you can't just tell me anything. I think you should need to take some accountability for your actions. I am not just going to let things keep sliding. You send homework packets home with materials that haven't even been covered. You go over things with the students once and expect them to be experts. Like she's never been in the classroom. Yeah. You provide feedback without reaching out to the parent, even if it is mid-conference and let them know what their child can do to improve. No, she's not your only student, but you knew this when you signed up to be a teacher. This is 20 children's education, and I feel like you are just skating past the school year

and not equipping these children to be ready for the next grade. I am that mom who goes above and beyond. I gather facts before taking things to the teacher, and before sending packets home with material you haven't covered, you need to educate them. Maybe she was gathering facts the month's or weeks that she wasn't responding. It's so much to even unpack, but it's just like kind of like sheds a light on like some of the assumptions that. If she's that mad, why she's, why I don't understand why she still hasn't called. Yeah.

Like if she's that angry, like instead of sitting there and writing an email for 30 minutes of you basically, basically her cussing you out without cussing you out. Yeah. Like why don't you just pick up the phone and call? Right. Like she clearly has issues of the confrontation. And like I remember it was my first year. So I was trying to check all the boxes.

I was like sending home a newsletter every week to the parents. And I like homework was optional at our school. So the packets we were sending home was optional homework and almost like extension work. Like yeah, it wasn't directly what was being at taught school, which you know if she picked up the phone. And the students knew it was optional. Like she didn't have to do it. But I also knew that this student came into fourth grade reading at like a first or second grade level. Yeah.

So it's so hard. to, you know, we do our best to fill in the learning gaps and catch them up. But it's almost impossible to make up that much learning in a year. And we had been even sending her to our reading specialist. So I think just like sharing that, I just almost want to, you know, shed some light on like, you know, before you like email we're here, you know, your child's teacher, it's like maybe find out some of the things they are doing. And the teacher's not right all the time. Like sometimes there are things that need to be changed.

But it's almost like that open communication. And I think that's why a lot of teachers, maybe not even left. Like maybe why a lot of teachers are frustrated because they're like, I'm doing X, Y and Z. Like I'm doing all these things for your child. And it's like, and I get like this email of appreciation. Yeah. And it's like the underappreciation and, you know, being underappreciation. and, you know, being undervalued is just a trend that is like all day long from, you know,

maybe leadership, from parents, even from the kids sometimes. And I think that that just weighs on you too. And it just, I think she just ended off with something that I was just, I just like sob the way home. And now I look back and I'm just like, you should have just been like, you know who you were as a teacher. But it was your first year, you know. And I think that I think anybody writing those things. And it wasn't really a question that she was asking.

She was like telling you who and how you are, which I think is really, you know. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, she said, I honestly have been the entire school year feeling you are not putting your best effort in with all your students. There's just overall is a lack there of period and it's concerning. And I just, I took it. Maybe your parents go is concerning, baby. That's why I can't be a teacher. Oh, my God.

I mean, you do, like, want to say, like, Right. Fuck you, basically. Yeah. You do almost want to say, like, hey, she came in here, and we've, like, taken her here. Right. You know, it's like, what can we do at home so that she can get, you know, on grade level?

What can we do at home so that she is not sleeping in class? And it's beautiful when that partnership lines up and you do get to support a student. in, you know, meeting their needs. But a lot of the time in these situations where maybe a parent is going off on you, like, it's just, it's so hard to meet in the middle. And I think I did try to call her several times with my, like, leadership at the school. And we invited her in, I think, with the leadership present to go over everything. And she never called back and she never showed up.

Okay. So she didn't care that much. So I think a lot of it comes from a place of genuinely parents wanting the best for their children, but maybe knowing that there have been some things that have either held them back or they're so concerned or, you know, maybe they are a little insecure and feeling like they haven't, like, set them up for the best success and they need to take that out on someone or blame someone somewhere. Right.

I think there's like multiple reasons for that reaction and that response. It definitely wasn't my last, but I think it got easier from then on. Right. I've definitely been screamed out on the phone. I've definitely been, like, cussed out on the phone. And honestly, people, I think another point of contention, people say, like, well, that's what you signed up for. And it's like, that was not in the job description, like, getting like. And like you said, they don't really prepare you for that enough.

Yeah. Like, getting, like, verbally abused by, like, your student's parents is definitely not in the job description. Yeah. Maybe it's something you have to deal with. But it's a situation that I think just compiles with all of the other things going on. And it's like, oh, and this. Like, and I just got a phone call like this. It's like.

Right, because you're having to deal with the, if the kid is misbehaving and then you're still trying to help and the parents are going to act that way. So it's like, what are you supposed to do at that point? Yeah. Exactly. And it's, I get everybody is trying to do their best, but it's, I just think it compiles with everything. It's like, so then why am I doing it? this, you know? I think there's several things that happen throughout the years and throughout the days where it's like, if this is the response back to all the hard work I'm putting in, all the

hours I'm staying up, and this is what I'm getting back, what am I doing? This is crazy. Like, I literally feel so like crazy just waking up and doing this every day, giving it my all. Did you reach a point that you like didn't want to, that you like stopped wanting to go to work? Yeah, for sure. In my next, my next little phase of teaching for sure. So like overall, like I think like my first year of teaching, again, good experience. This is not something I've done either, but I almost feel like, you know when people say they, you know, give birth and it's like this horrible experience, but then you forget about it. Like your brain almost blocks out like the trauma of giving birth.

And then you're like, well, let's just have more kids. I almost feel like, and I've never given birth, but I almost feel like that's like the end of the year because you're having so much fun at the end of the year. Everything's great. You leave the kids. you feel like you've planted all these great seeds, like, of learning and, like, love. And, like, you are so excited for them to grow up and remember your class and what you taught them that you're just like, you forget all of the things that happened throughout the year.

You kind of, like, block it all out. And you're like, okay, let's do it again. Let's do it again next year. You go on break for three months. And you're like, this is going to be the best year. It's going to be, like, awesome. It doesn't matter what happened last year. Yeah.

Yeah. I think you're going to come back. So even though it's, like, so horrible sometimes, I almost think, like, when you get that relief at the end of the year and that break, it's like, well, you know, you're doing such good work, rewarding work. You know that you're making a difference. Even though you don't see it sometimes, sometimes you'll see it way down the line. It's like, how could I say no to that, like, privilege of being these kids teacher? I, like, know I'm the person for it. I know I should do it. I feel like it'd be a disservice if I didn't do it. And I feel like that's,

like why I almost kept, you know, cycling back. But I knew I needed like a new school. This school was kind of the opposite end of the spectrum of my other school. This school didn't have a set curriculum. So we were kind of on our own with that every day. This is the new one that you went to? My old one. Okay.

My old one, yeah. So I kind of just followed my coworkers lead. But they didn't really check in on you either. They weren't really hovering, which. I thought I didn't like at the time because I, like, wanted feedback. I was a new teacher. And my leadership at that school, she was actually really great. She was in my classroom a lot, checking in on me, making sure I was doing well.

She, like, loved what was going on in there. We were playing games. Like, we were, like, the loud classroom. She even had me, like, present to staff a couple times at that old school because she, like, loved what we, what I, like, came out of college kind of learning, like, that this is the way this, you know, a classroom should be run. with all these fun games and engaging activities. So it was kind of the opposite.

And I was like, I want to go to a school that has like a little more resources and just a little more organized with the curriculum especially. I can't just be making this up as I go. I need like kind of a guide. And I wanted to be a little closer to. So after that first year of teaching, I left the school. And we also ended in March. I can't believe I forgot that big thing.

The pandemic started. So how I was going to ask you that? So when that happened, did you have to transfer to online? Yeah. So in March, I remember it was the Friday of spring break. And it was like starting to elevate like COVID in the pandemic. But still, I feel like people just kind of thought I was going to blow over. Right.

And I remember I said, okay, you guys, see you have to spring break. Have a great week off. And we never came back to school. You just didn't come back. Okay. So was that challenging for you having to do everything online? So our school didn't have enough Chromebooks for all the students. Okay.

So we didn't even meet virtually. It was also so last minute that at that time it was really difficult to... So how did they finish out the year? Even get, you know, like online materials going. Right. We, like some teachers at the school just made packets and sent them home with the kids. And I like just made myself available. like on the phone if their parents were there to just like call if they needed me.

But there really wasn't much work to give? They had a packet of work and they were told to complete a few pages every day. Got it. And we couldn't even really check it on them. We couldn't check it on like if they were doing it, how they were doing. Yeah. How do you teach when you don't even? Yeah.

It wasn't a virtual like Zoom thing. Wow. Okay. We just sent the packets home and just like wish for the best. Yeah. That's it. So were you like going crazy during that time? Yeah. Honestly, because it was so unknown at the time with COVID. Everybody thought it was going to be over in two weeks and it just wasn't. So were you still like working at all from home during that period or you were just kind of like sitting around like what do I do? Yeah. Like as much as we could like trying to put the next packets together or trying to communicate with students either like via email or via phone. But yeah, like everybody was home and there wasn't even much that we could do because the students didn't we didn't have like one-to-one Chrome books. So the students couldn't get online and a lot of students didn't have internet either. So that's how your year ended at the old school. And then when you went to the new school

was everybody coming back to school at that time? Yeah. So then I get a job at this new school that I'm like so excited about because it has set curriculum. It has, you know, a lot of resources, a lot of staff. I wasn't just going to be on my own. I was going to be getting like support and a mentor. So I was really excited about this new school. And we thought that we were going to be in person. Up until the week before school started, we were ready for kids in person with masks. Then like three days before school starts, we get an announcement that the state is going to go all virtual for the whole year.

Wow. So we're like scrambling to put things together. We're about to only meet the kids virtually. Never, and I'm in a new school. So I've never met, you know, like the staff in person. I've never met any of the kids in person. And we're just about to jump in completely on Zoom for the entire year. Was it every day, like still Monday through Friday?

Monday through Friday. And this was not typical, I think, for all districts. But our school was online with kids nine to three. The kids had to like sit at home in their area. and they had a lunch break, but they were on with us from nine to three. That sounds even more challenging because then they're in their own home. And how can you expect a kid to not be distracted when they're at home? I'm a distracted at home.

Right. Could you imagine sitting from nine to three? So you did the whole year virtual at the new school? Yeah. We eventually went hybrid way, way later in school. But, yeah, initially we were completely virtual. So we had the option to either work at the school or work at home. And I, like, needed to leave my house.

So I worked at the school every day. I'd set up my Zoom. I had, like, double monitors going. It's so crazy to think, like, that's how my teaching was going. Right. Not what you expect at all. No. Every day, yeah, the kids were told to join Zoom at 9. We would do all the subjects as normal.

Like, we would follow the schedule like they were at school, but we would do it online. Okay. And they would break for lunch. And while this was going on, like, we were, like, pumping out all this virtual curriculum because we didn't have that. You know, we didn't have, maybe we had resources, but not something the kids could actually do online. So we had to make all of these, like, things and programs that the kids could actually do from home because we couldn't send out worksheets every week. Right. It was, like, impossible.

So, yeah, that was, like, crazy experience. But then there was a mute button. So there was, like, no behavior issues because. You just muted everyone. The biggest concern was definitely the academics, definitely in the social aspect. Yeah. So the kids are pretty much, have been home since March, maybe not even out of their house, depending on their situation.

And they have been sitting at home, I think by the time we go hybrid, almost of like a full year, of virtual learning, not really being in person with their peers, trying to learn online. line, which I don't know if you're like eight years old. I'm not even really sure how you're soaking up that information. There's no interaction. Yeah, exactly. So I have students who, like, I've never seen on camera because they, like, will never be in frame. Wow.

Trying to get a hold of their parents being like, hey, I have never seen your student all year. So they were showing up, but they didn't have their camera on kind of thing? Most of the students did have their camera on. It was kind of enforced because they, or younger. Yeah. But I did have a student who would like intentionally set up their camera and just jump on the trampoline all day.

And I'd be like, hello, hello. Right. And what can you even do? I'd call their name. And obviously like no answer. I feel like they would just turn on the volume so they couldn't even hear me. And I would try calling home, no answer. Hey, at least they were showing up, I guess.

And like going on it. At least I knew they were okay. Right. That's crazy. Yeah, the whole year, I maybe saw the students face like twice, like two times. Yeah. He would set up his camera and he would make like little Lego movies and everyone would be able to see it. Right.

And then the kids are probably watching that kid. Yeah. And he would like turn the camera and just be watching like a movie. And I'm like, oh, it's like movie day. Yeah, it's like at that point it's not even like school. No. Right. And it's like, it's what a challenging time.

Yeah. For everyone. For the parents. for the kids, like, could you imagine just isolating your family for a year? And we really saw, like, we really saw the implications of that year in, like, my last year of teaching this last year when the kids finally were able to all come back to school. And you were at the same school at this point, okay, but now in person. Same school in person.

Like at the end of the year, the parents had the choice to send their kids, but it wasn't school because I still had a handful of kids online. and then maybe a handful of kids in person. So the kids would literally come to school at the end of that second year. And they had a taped box that they had to stay in. Had to wear a mask, of course. How was that with the masks all right? Like, was it challenging or no?

No, not really. Like the kids were like really good about it actually, which is surprising. Yeah. Maybe because they were a little bit older too. Yeah. But yeah, they had to stay in a taped box and they would join my Zoom, but just be sitting in front of me. and we would still do Zoom school.

Oh, so the kids that were in class would still go on Zoom as well. Interesting. That makes sense. Like, why even come at that point? But I mean, I guess if they wanted their kids to be like social, but still, that's tough. I think, yeah, that's probably why they wanted their kids to have like normal recess. Right. And like to actually get out of the house and go.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't like we were doing something different in class and something different on Zoom. Like I was still sitting in front of the class on my computer and they were just sitting like in boxes in the room on their computer on Zoom. And it was, it's just right. Unheard of.

Unheard of. Unheard of. Couldn't leave their box all day. That's crazy. So yeah, like that, that, the academic, you just, you're trying as hard as you can. But you don't know what their, you know, you don't know what their home life is like. You don't know if their house is so loud every day. They can't even hear you.

Right. They, you don't know if they're absorbing the information. Like, we're trying to test them. But it was just like a year of almost. was just trying to like do the best we can, try and stop any learning gap that might happen and just try and get these kids like connected, give them some sort of sense of normalcy. But the main concern that year was definitely like the academic needs. Because I think anything like behavioral, it just, we never had a full class of kids together.

Exactly. So anything that did pop up, it was just kind of like easier to handle. There just wasn't as many, you know, kids in front of you. Yeah. So we like finished the year hybrid. We think we're all going back next year. And we did end up going back this, my last year of teaching. At the beginning of the year, it was like masks.

And then we eventually took those off. But it was the most normal start of the year in a while. So that last year, my last year of teaching, this last school year, we were getting prepped and ready to be fully back. So the most normal we can be, it was going to be a normal school year, but just like with masks. And everyone was so excited to like get off Zoom. I got to like know my co-workers a little better. I was pretty much stuck in, you know, my room and my box all year. And up to this point, everything had been going well. Like I, all my leadership had been like popping into our Zooms, good feedback. One of the things I'm most grateful for at my school are my two

third grade teammates, my two coworkers, like I can't even describe how much I feel like they've changed my life honestly. And that's why even when I get into some of these more, you know, crazier events, I would never regret anything that I've, you know, been through teaching because I feel like it's just made me who I am. It's like made me a better person, a more capable person. And a large part of that, I feel like, is the two, like, amazing woman I worked with on my team. I think of, like, one of the ladies as, like, my second mom. She is just, like, the most positive, calm presence and handles, like, every situation with grace. Like, you know, sometimes when I'm, like, so overwhelmed, I, you know, can get just, like, so, like, anxious and almost, like, frustrated and angry.

and she just like was this calming presence all year in like my year of chaos. So even though there's been some crazy things that happened, I'm going to go into like one of my craziest years of my life. It's just I feel like teaching is definitely like made me a better and more capable person for sure. Even in like my next job, I'd be like, well, if I could handle this last year, I can like, you can, I can handle anything. That's what I felt like. So yeah, third grade, second year, I feel like I have a little bit under my belt.

We're ready to get going. Meeting the kids, so excited. We get to meet the parents. We get to meet the kids. For the first time, like, people are, like, in the building in a while. And we start off with, like, our initial testing. And, like, unsurprisingly, probably 14 out of my 20 kids are, like, severely behind academically. in math and literacy.

And we knew there was going to be a learning gap for sure. How could there not be? So that initially was extremely overwhelming because not only were 14, you know, students or so behind, it was like probably like six or seven kids didn't know their letter sounds, the names of their letters. basic addition, basic subtraction, and it's not their fault. They just went through this huge worldwide event. But as a teacher, you're kind of asking yourself, well, what can I do in this year

to catch them up? They're missing like the foundational building blocks of literacy and math. Are we just going to keep trucking along like nothing happened? Like, are we just going to teach third grade lessons to basically a class of like first graders. That was like the last time they were in school. And I felt like it was such a good opportunity for the school system to step back and reevaluate and fix some things in teaching like the state testing, the teacher workload, child's needs, there are social emotional needs. There's like severe social emotional needs that they were going to need addressed after being home for a year.

and that just I felt like simply did not happen. We trucked along like normal. Like it was a normal class, normal group. We got sent like all the lessons we had to do every day, like just like the outline. And there was still tests at the end of every unit. There was still state testing that was required. And like our eight-year-olds in March-ish take like a three-week-long state test. Like why is that necessary this year?

Yeah. They just went through so much. They're clearly not going to do or perform well. It's going to be so discouraging. Like, why are we still pushing all of this content, all of this testing? It just seemed like the priorities were so out of whack to me, just going into it. Like, I'm overwhelmed with all of these extreme academic needs. almost, I think at the peak, almost half of my class had an individualized education plan.

So that means that they had different goals than everybody else, either in reading, in math, maybe they had a behavior goal, but they had completely different learning goals and accommodations that I needed to put out for like 10 different kids every day. So it's like you had to read their plan with like their resource teacher and you had to accommodate and happily so like you don't want them to not have their accommodations. You want them to do well. But it's so much to take on when it's like there is 10 separate plans here that you have to follow every day. You're almost not even running like a general third grade classroom anymore. It's like this specialized classroom.

And they did give me an aid like to support me. but even with the two of us, we had such a hard time giving the time and attention to all the students who needed it, like sitting and helping kids read and do basic math. Like, our hands were tied every day. And just being able to meet their plans and their academic needs was so incredibly difficult. I remember every single Tuesday I would meet with the resource team and we would go down my list of kids who needed. support and it was like my whole roster of kids and it would be like okay well how is the student doing what do they need and I felt like every Tuesday like we were just like going crazy like it was the

same report for months like they're still doing this they still need this it was just like nothing was improving I mean it was definitely slow improvement like academically for many of the students and so then on top of the academic overwhelm right there's that honeymoon phase so we're getting our ground you know getting our groundings and my biggest concern at the time for that year was academically how are we going to help these kids that quickly turned to students several students um who had been noted in prior years who had like a behavior plan in place so the school and the resource team already knew like that behavior may be an issue for probably like five to six students um it just started like popping up, I feel like, maybe like in October. And it was behavior that I had never

dealt with that I, quite frankly, was not even trained to deal with, I feel like. And I remember, I think the first, the first time that I was like, this is going to be a roller coaster of a year. I had a student who was so frustrated. He would come into school every single day, like, dysregulated. emotions up and down. Maybe something happened at home. Who knows? But every day he walks to the door, like head down, we'll not say good morning. And he was sitting during reading in the morning one day.

And he just decides to like flip his desk over, nothing leading up to this. And I'm like, whoa, gets on the ground, starts screaming as loud as he can, grabs his water bottle, and starts banging on the desk as loud as he can. Like over and over and over again. middle of reading and I'm like yeah so I'm like okay everybody talk to your talk to your table for a second so I go down there and it's just like inconsolable um will not respond to anything I try and take like the unsafe thing away um because he's like going to hurt himself with whatever he's banging his water bottle and it just it like would not stop it's like what do you even do in that situation we're in the middle of reading. Now there's a student clearly having like a crisis. Come to find out later,

he had like a tough morning at home. I didn't know that. But it was just like that dysregulation of emotions was so high in my last class that the littlest things to us, the biggest things to us, it would just make several, a handful of students. Their reaction to that would, would be explosive. And I think that that is like clearly from, I mean, it could be from a number of things, but especially from this past year of isolation, they haven't had to deal with a lot of like these frustrations. They haven't been around their peers.

The first thing we did every single morning, the kids would come in and they would play for like 30 minutes because we were finding that at recess or even like in the classroom, if there was like a minor disruption or like maybe a student took another student's pencil on accident, instead of that student saying, hey, you have my pencil, they would just like punch them. It was just there was no like regulation. There was no tools to deal with like frustration or problem. So we would like practice playing. And on paper it sounds like a great time, right?

There's all these fun vins, all these toys, Legos blocks. Like maybe I can even get something done while they're playing. I could not turn my back for a single. a second during playtime because somebody was trying to hurt somebody else or scream at somebody else or like destroy what they're working on. It was like madness every morning. I had like eyes like a hawk all morning. I could not turn my back. So what would you do? Would you have to send these kids to like the office or is that was that kind of like the end result of something like that happening? Yeah. So we like the goal is to was for me to try and deescalate. And a lot of the times,

like I could get there. But the protocol was that if they were being disruptive for more than 10 minutes, then we would have to call the office and ask for support. So 10 minutes, there was a lot of 10 minute periods where the day was disrupted, either with screaming, you know, swearing, destroying the classroom, kicking the bookshelf, like hitting, flipping desks. There was a lot of 10 minute periods in the day like that. So there was so much instruction lost.

Because if you called too soon, they'd be like you have to try and fix it yourself for 10 minutes. But it's like you're also teaching. Yeah. So now the teaching stops because- It's a huge distraction and it wasn't minor things. Like those are serious behavioral problems. Well, it's like traumatizing for the other kids in the class. Absolutely.

I mean, we would have to evacuate the classroom sometimes because students' behavior was so aggressive, like slamming, like, their body against the window, like, destroying flipping tables. Like, I would have to evacuate the entire class from the room because it was so unsafe. And that is so traumatizing for every other student in the classroom. And we're, like, following the behavior plan. We're following the accommodations, but it's, like, not always stopping the outburst. Yeah.

And it's just so sad, I feel like, because, and I feel like, this is. like this is such a point of contention, but I feel like all the other students deserve to go to school and not be traumatized by this behavior. Yeah. And like learn in an environment that's safe and not full of screaming and destroying things and distracting from their learning. And it was just so heartbreaking to see how maybe like three or four students. who clearly, like, needed high, high levels of support for their mental health and their trauma. Like, I'm not disregarding that at all.

They needed support and resources. But you just weren't equipped to do that. Exactly. Like, we're not equipped to stop our day of teaching and- And be a therapist or a psychiatrist of anything. Yeah, you can't. These, like, difficult moments, like, all day, every day. Right.

And do, like, the day. deep breathing. Well, that doesn't work today. Okay, well, then we have to try like a walk. Well, it's like, I can't just leave the rest of the class and attended. So then, like, what are we trying next? Like, it, the balancing act was just almost impossible. And I remember, like, a student during, like, small groups, we're all reading in the room. He just didn't want to read with his, like, small group teacher across the room. He just, like, picks up carton of pencils and starts throwing them at her, like, as hard as he can. Like, he's just, like, he's just, like chugging these pencils at her. And I just like get up and I'm like, what are we doing? Like all the other

kids are reading and it's like, how do you even help this poor student who's clearly so frustrated and has no tools and doesn't know how to handle like this dysregulation? It was like he was just in the red zone so often of like aggression and trying to like hurt people and kick and spit and bite. and I like logged and documented everything. I had like a running document of like students that daily were having, you know, hard times. Like I would document everything daily. And, you know, sometimes when you call for support, the social worker is not there. The psychologist is not there because this is like a school-wide issue.

So they're running around putting out crisis situations and other classrooms. So sometimes like no one will come for support and you're just like stuck kind of of dealing with it on your own. Yeah. Sorry. Acute to show it just came in. No, totally. And it's just like,

sometimes it's like, oh, well, there goes the writing block for today. Yeah. There goes the entire math block for today. How is that fair to like the kids who are sitting ready to learn? And honestly, like, how is that fair to like the teachers who want to teach? And it's not like this is a one-time situation, especially. this last year and for me, I was in crisis mode every single day. Yeah, which is stressful.

Exactly. So like every morning, I know we were kind of talking on this earlier, every morning I would wake up pit of anxiety in my stomach already. Like the night before I probably wasn't sleeping well or at all. So this is like when you got to the point of like I'm starting to not want to go. No, yeah, for sure. Like and every morning like stress ball. I was just so worried.

It wasn't if it was like when. When is there going to be a crisis here? I would go and set up as best as I could for the day, greet all the kids in the morning, even if the day before they, you know, a student like ripped down our bulletin boards outside or like kicked me or said something horrible. Like every morning I was like, morning, day is a new day. And that is so hard to do. Even though they're children, sometimes it's like, little asshole sometimes.

Literally like 12 hours ago, like you were doing it XYZ. But every morning it was like, okay, new day, fresh start. Let's try again. Let's try again. But sometimes it just, it didn't even matter that it was a new day. It's just coming into the day. It was already, you could even tell coming down the hallway, it's like, they're going to have a bad day. Yeah.

They're already coming in so escalated. or, you know, like already yelling down the hallway at people, trying to start, like, fights with other kids. And you do the best you can every single day. But it was only time, honestly, before I was under the desk trying to take away, like, scissors from a student trying to, like, stab themselves or stab someone else. So it got to, like, a point of, like, it actually wasn't even safe anymore. No, for sure.

There was moments there. It was not safe in the classroom. We had a fire extinguished. right outside our room for safety. And it's not locked for safety. And I had a student who would try several times take out the fire extinguisher and try and like throw it through the window. And there were times where a student would be so aggressive that there would be support

in like, you know, the health and wellness team would come in. They could not contain it. There were times we called 911 to take a student away, which again is so heartbreaking and traumatic. for them as well to be taken away in an ambulance. But how is that not like a huge red alarm that they need serious like mental health and support? Absolutely. And it's like if we let them continue to slip under the cracks and just put these like little band-aids on every day because that's what I felt like we were doing.

We are fixing the problem at the time, but not the root of the problem whatsoever. whatever, what are they going to grow up to be? Yeah. Like, what kind of mental health issues are they going to have when they're older? And it's sad, and I feel like demotivating for you as well, because like all you want to do is do good for these children. And I feel like when you constantly see this pattern of them coming in with no change every day, and there's only so much you can and can't do, it's like, I can see that just being

like a deal breaker. Yeah, and like you're just, this last year, I was, I was. managing so much, like the severe academic needs, handful of students who needed, you know, behavior support to get through the day. I was on the phone with parents every single day. At times, I would be on the phone with like social services because I'm noticing that I'm leaving the, you know, the school at 8 p.m. because I still have to do my planning for the teaching that I'm probably not going to get it to teach because there's going to be crisis all day. And I'm seeing students like at the park no coat telling me they haven't been home haven't had dinner

they're like taking care of their younger siblings and so it's like now i have to call social services and it's just a repeat of like and i feel like i'm such like an empath and i like take so much on and i every day i feel like i would just go home with such a heavy heart i'd pour everything I had every single day, 120% to try and, hello, to try and like shape some of this behavior and shape our day. And it's, there's progress. But when you're doing it every single day and you're like almost like in the trenches, like every single day, just doing the best you can handling these situations, making a million decisions every single day on the fly. It's, you can't bear it all. Like you cannot. I was just pouring from like the emptiest of cups every single

day. At this point. What is wrong with you? So cute. Oh my goodness. Why are you one to catch you all a sudden? Sorry. No. My gosh. Usually it's not this one that's causing issues, but go ahead. You're fine. Yeah, like at the time like throughout like in the, especially the later half of the year, I ended up losing like 20 pounds of like just like straight like stress. Yeah. Because my day would just go like I would go to school, try and get through it to the best I could. I never could eat lunch because my students were always fighting at lunch. They had like a lunchtime supervisor.

They a lot of the time were not acting appropriately for her. Like you know it's like like having a sub or being in the lunchroom with I would teacher there. So I was usually dealing with that. And then we probably had we had. had like an hour of prep time four days a week and 30 minutes of prep time two days a week to pump out all of your plans. And I almost never got to use those either because I feel like I was always deescalating a situation or I was with the student, you know, figuring out their situation or getting support or like just handling something that had already happened in the day

like with the student. So I almost never sat down to plan with my team. And when I did it's like we're talking through what we want to do, but you still have to go home and plan everything. Every single day, like I had a subject I had to plan. And, you know, it's not just like math, reading, writing, the core subjects like it is, but I also probably had like six small groups I had to plan too. Because we had, we were lucky enough, like one of the things I loved about this school, we were lucky enough to have all these staff members who could pull small groups. So a lot of our day was in small groups, but then the planning aspect of that, like if you're, they're in your small group, they have to be getting really purposeful instruction because it's like you are trying

to like target that learning. So then I would be planning all these small groups. And every day when I got home, I would either like fall asleep. But then I would wake myself up because I had to plan like my days, not the next day. We are like required to be two weeks out. But I had to like plan my responsibility for the day. So I would just be up all night, three a.m. four a.m. multiple nights a week, planning, planning, planning, getting things together. And it was 24-7. Yeah. Like I remember when I came to that school, my coworkers, like, were joking.

And they were like, are you ready for your life to be over? And I was like, no. And they were like, well, this place is about to be your life. Like, once you get on the hamster wheel of planning and teaching, you cannot step off. You cannot miss a plan day because then it's going to be so overwhelming and you're going to have so much to do that it's not. not even bearable. Like, it's not even just like that I was showing up pretty much ready to, like, battle all day because that's what I was doing. And when I got home, it wasn't over. Like,

I had to plan. I had to, like, assess data. It was like 24 hours. It was 24 hours. It was 500% involved. And I was, like, making the lessons better, too. I feel like that's, like, something I loved. And I was, like, good at is, like, taking the curriculum and almost, like, making it better for the students and what they needed. So I was doing that for, like, math and I like reinvented like the social emotional curriculum and it's like that takes hours and hours of work. It's like creating like resources from scratch. So it's like you're doing that. You have these meetings every week to put in plans for like the 10 students that are on like your list of students who need extreme support on top of going in and handling like some days I would

literally teach from my doorway and I would get a slide clicker and I would give the instruction from the doorway because students would run out. Like I had two students who were definite runners. And if I was not standing in front of the doorway, they would run out, run out the classroom, run around the school. Somebody would have to like track them down. I was constantly on that phone calling the office being like, I need support for blank. I need support for a blank. I need support for blank and sometimes people will come sometimes they wouldn't um sometimes they would just come and like drop them off like yeah that's also not the greatest solution because they're clearly so escalated from something just dropping them back off it's you know they're still angry and frustrated or upset

um and then it's almost like it's again it's like those little band-aids we keep putting on to fix the situation but we are like not mixing the root of the problem. And I feel like every single time I try to get to like the root of the student's problem or the root of the problem of what even we're doing, I feel like it was just like a brick wall. And I know a lot of other teachers feel that way too. Like they're doing all the right things. They're documenting. They're talking to leadership. They are, you know, doing a million and one things in the classroom to try and get them regulated and learning. they're doing everything, checking all the boxes.

And still, like when you're like, they need serious help, it's like, it's almost like gaslighting. I feel like the leadership is just like, no, they don't. No, like you have to actually log that for a couple more months. So they were pretty much like trying to push everything that was happening under the rug and hopes that it would probably get better. But it wasn't. Or I even think, too, that they were so overwhelmed with the amount of needs.

needs. Right. They were like, no, we can't, we can't do this. Yeah, it's too much. Yeah, like a student who clearly needed like social work or psychology. I was like fighting for it all year. And they were like, no. And it's not going to change what's what we're going to do anyways. And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, they clearly need like so much support and mental health help. And we're just not going to give it to them. Yeah. And so I feel like that like just caused a little bit of, you know, waves for sure because I like was not backing down on it. I would email teams and you know like the resource team from like other schools and be like can you please come in and observe this behavior like we need serious help. No. And I think this is the largest reason for like the large amount of

teachers who have quit is this like almost lack of like support from leadership. or parents and it's like you are doing everything you can and you're almost made to feel and even picked apart a little bit that like you are the problem for this behavior and it's simply just not the case most of the time like you're I'm not escalating these students yeah and I think during such a serious time like that it was so important that you guys had the support because that is just so much for anyone to handle, you know, that it's like, I feel like that would have been what you all needed and to the highest extent, you know, and I feel like if they saw it was such a problem, even if it was so overwhelming and challenging, something should have been done. Like,

I don't know. A hundred percent. Yeah. Like, it's not like we didn't have the data. I'm like, I have logs and logs of data. And the other protocol was that we had to put in like a referral. So at the end, the day, I was spending like an hour putting in these like referrals that it was either like a disruption in class or inappropriate, you know, language or like physical aggression. And I was documenting all these, almost like a write-up. And I would submit them. And it was like a joke at my school that they just like get submitted and then they're like in the shredder. Like they were never addressed. Right. Almost never addressed. It would have to be something super severe for I feel like

Probably a kid's having another kid or something. So you made it through that whole year. Yeah, like by a thread. Okay. Like even at winter break, there's still another half of the year left. In winter break, I, like, wanted to, like, stop because I was just so sad. I was crying, like, every single day. Yeah.

It didn't end when the school day ended. Crying every single day, exhausted, past the point of burnt out. And up until. I kind of knew that I, like, wanted to leave not only the school, but the profession. I had not missed a single day. Okay. I showed up every single day, no sub, like, no sick days. Every single day I was like there ready to go, like trying my best to like make a difference.

And just I feel like just getting shut down. And I feel like a lot of teachers feel like maybe some of the leadership at their school is just like shutting them down or like, not supporting. Like, I saw the leadership at my school less than a handful of times the entire year. Right. And it's like... So do you think that like last year was really like your breaking point? For sure.

Okay. Like physical breaking point, mental breaking point. And it totally just kind of like turned you off from the profession as a whole you think? Yeah. I mean, I think it's like what I'm like meant to do. And I think that I was like a great. teacher. Right. But for the sake of my mental health and my emotional health and my work life balance, which was non-existent, I never saw my family. I never saw my friends. And even

if I had the time, like, honestly, I didn't want to. If I was at home, I was, like, laying in bed. Right. And I just, like, couldn't keep living like that. Because at the end of the day, even if it is your passion, even if it is what you're meant to do, it is still a job. It's like, we're still humans too, you know? And I just like, I could not continue my life that way. I was miserable. I was a person I didn't even recognize. I like people who know me know I'm like so happy, so bubbly. And at the end of that year, I like would look in the mirror and I, I couldn't even recognize myself. So sad. Like hollowed out eyes. Like honestly, so negative, angry, disheveled. I remember in like the myths of all this, of all this like chaos and

crisis and dealing with picking up my room every single day from whatever destruction like happened in there. I remember one day I came to school in like leggings, which was like a no-no. It was like the one day I did it in the two years I worked there. I was just so exhausted. I like couldn't find work pants that morning. I was like running out the door. And I like got called in by leadership and like reprimanded and written up for wearing the leggings that one day. And I'm glad that's what they I literally. I just wanted to scream like, I need your help. And I think I did say I invited them. I was like, please come and help us. Help me. Like come into the classroom, please. Like this should be the least of your worries. Like the leggings.

Oh my God. And I think it's just like sometimes leadership loses sight of what it's like to like be a teacher. And I think that's just so frustrating for teachers too. Right. It's like you just feel like you're on your own out there. Yeah. You shouldn't feel like that. Like that your priorities are out of whack. Like you should feel seen and heard and people should have empathy for you.

Yeah. Like knowing everything you're like going through. So was it a hard decision for you to walk away or were you kind of just like I know that I need this right now? I think it was more like I know that I need this right now. So it might be something you'd go back to but right now you just need to recover from what you endure. Yeah. And you're still young. Yeah. I think at the end of the year, I kind of went into the mindset of like, I need a break from this.

Yeah. And now I've kind of like felt like there are other things that like I am passionate about and I enjoy. So maybe maybe I never go back. Maybe I do. But yeah, now I have like an office job nine to five. And for some people that sounds like the worst day in the world. But the normalcy and the balance that that gives me and still. finding that I enjoy, like, I'm always the person who's going to want to work hard and do their best and, like, learn this new thing. But I just feel like the balance that that has given me is, like, so priceless. Well, the fact that you can go home and not have something weighing so heavy on your shoulders, I think is a really big thing. Yeah. Because that's not fair to anybody. Yeah, it's more in the middle. It's not like you're either doing nothing on a break or 500% every single day. So yeah, like, I don't know if I would ever go back.

Because I even think about the teachers who have kids. Right. How do you do that and then go home and be a mom to your own kids? I don't know if I, you know, could do that. Right. So what is it that you do now? I'm like in corporate insurance. Okay.

Which is like complete 180. But I find like I am so thankful for my teaching because like you've just talking to people, handling difficult conversations. Like it's something like I am so much more comfortable with now. And I've picked up like probably bad work habits from teaching. But like I will always be the person who like kind of goes above me on and like works hard. And so even though it is kind of a difference, it's been nice to like kind of learn a new thing. Yeah.

And still have balance in my life on, you know, at home. And it's like the best. decision for me right now. And I feel like I don't like say all of these like almost like negatives, like peeking behind, you know, the walls of a classroom to be like, you know, schools are the worst, like teaching is the worst. Like that's like not the goal at all. I think that it's better too that even though that you know that this was your passion, that at least for now, whether you go back or not, that I think that you stepped away when you knew that you needed to because I feel like there are a lot of people that would just stick with something because they don't know any different

or just the fear of starting over or starting something new when they've already been doing something for a few years. Yeah. So I give you a lot of credit for actually realizing something was, you know, having that negative effect on you and doing something about it. Because that's a big thing. A lot of people don't have the courage to even do that, you know. Yeah.

And I almost feel like the system is sort of set up in a way where you are putting in all of this effort and you don't even feel like you're really even making a difference. Like, it's just, it's unsustainable. Like, that's the best word I think for teaching for me is that it was unsustainable to live like that, to work like that, to be, like, treated like that every day. And I think just, like, if you're a teacher, I hope you're doing well. Take your, like, mental health. It's so funny we would have, like, developments on, like, self-care.

And I'm like the best self-care for us right. now would be to like send us home. Yeah. Like let us like go and just like rest and relax. And I think just everybody like just needs to hold hands with each other and help our education system and our teachers. Absolutely. Because I'm like worried there's going to be no teachers.

Right. There's good teachers who are leaving. You know, I like want there to be good teachers out there now, but I also don't want them to be treated so poorly. Right. Like they don't want to stay. Yeah, exactly. And I think it's just so important that like everyone, even.

even if you're not involved in school right now, maybe you're like older. You don't have kids in the school system, but you're still part of the community. And I feel like everybody just needs to help their community and their schools because I think like that's the root of so many things that are like going wrong today is like not getting the education or the help. Lack of awareness. A lot of people probably don't know. And a lot of people probably don't know everything that teachers did go through during the

pandemic and even still to this day and like that whole aftermath of that, like, like things didn't just go back to normal. So I think that, you know, like I said, having you on here, I think is great because it really spreads awareness not only of what teachers, the work that they need to put in to become a teacher, but then everything that they can go through because it's not all a breeze. And I think that you had a job at such a challenging time, you know, that even brought out more issues than some people may face. So I think that it's really important, you know, because there are things like teacher

appreciation and all that stuff. But people, I don't think people really realize how serious. that should be taken, you know? So I think that that's really important that you came on here and talked about all of that too. Yeah, and like not everyone's experience is going to be the same, of course. Exactly. But, you know, I think just like the goal is just to like raise awareness and just, you know,

be involved in your community and your education, especially if you're a parent, be involved in your child's education. And hopefully we'll be able to turn some things around here because I seriously think they need to be turned around. Right. And maybe call the teachers back. and be there and try to listen. To the best of their ability.

Exactly, right. You're a lot nice for than I am. But no, I agree. And like I said, really, I think that even for me, it opened my eyes. Because there's a lot that I didn't know, you know, and even the effort and the work and hard work that you have to put in. And even like I said, I think a lot of people don't realize you are kind of like a mom in a way when you, even when you babysit, like you kind of know.

Like you kind of are like a second mom or, you know, it's your responsibility. and you know you really have usually if you're doing something like that you care about the kids so I can just imagine how hard it would be just so badly wanting to give these kids kids in education seeing them succeed and do well and then just like coming in every day and just seeing like a constant like halt and just negativity and it would you wouldn't be human if you didn't like weigh that like take that home with you and feel that so yeah but no I think you did great and I seriously thank you so much for sharing and I would be curious if you go back to teaching and how your experience was. But I definitely think that you made the right decision for yourself.

And, you know, I think too, it's great that you have both positives and negatives that you know and that you're able to share. And yeah, I just think it's amazing. Well, thank you so much for the opportunity to like share my story. Yeah, I've loved being here. Good. Thank you so much. Really.

Keep you guys updated. Thank you. Yeah. I would love to know. I'm so curious. but thank you again.