We're Out of Time - Andrea Russett On Her Challenges of Achieving Long-Term Sobriety & Relapse

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

In this episode of We're Out Of Time with @RichardTaiteOfficial he sits down with Andrea Russett. Andrea is an Internet personality active on Snapchat, Instagram, and YouTube. In addition to sharing her music which was released for the first time in 2020, Andrea also has shared videos in which she was intoxicated. Now she is sharing her recovery journey, including the struggles she has faced, working the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and hope for a prosperous future. For all things Richard Taite, the We're Out Of Time podcast, and Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa: https://linktr.ee/richardtaite For more information on Andrea Russet: https://www.instagram.com/andrearussett/ Key moments from this conversation Intro 00:00 What are some of the main reasons Andrea has struggles with long-term recovery and how long did her last slipup last? 00:00:25 How bad was Andrea's alcoholism at its peak? 00:03:00 Did Andrea experience a large deal of wreckage, including arrests and isolation? 00:05:30 When did Andrea finally surrender to the fact that she had a problem and needed help? 00:10:00 Where did Andrea's love of music and art come from and what are her plans with her music career? 00:16:07 What was Andrea's childhood like and how may her education experience have played a part in her experimenting with substances? 00:19:22 What suggestions does Richard have for Andrea to help her create and maintain long-term sobriety? 00:21:30 What does Andrea love most about sobriety? 00:26:10

Andrea, thanks for coming today. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. My pleasure. So do you go to AA? I do. Okay. So this is going to be really easy.

You got four months sober. I do not have four months sober. How long have you got it? I have, as of today, two weeks. I know. I know. You said four months out there and I was like, I got to break the news. You did it again.

Yeah. So it was, I have PPMD. Do you know what that is? It's like P. But it's to the extreme. So it really kind of takes your emotions and amplifies them times a million. Why are she on the pill? Because there's so many other things that feel wrong on the pill.

It's just like the pill is like, I haven't and I won't. I had a little slip up, but got right back into meetings and picked myself right back up. How long were you out? I think two days. It was short. It was short. Good.

Do you know why that was? Why it was short? Yeah. I think over the many reasons. relapses that I've had since really starting the sobriety journey, I think I've learned that there if I just sit there and beat myself up after a relapse, I'm just going to sit in it and have the mentality of like, I'm already here. I might as well make a week of it, like, have some fun, which it never is. So I just have to have the mentality of like not beating myself up

and just immediately being kind to myself and just starting again, like just going to straight into like, it's okay, you're getting back into it. All that matters is you're trying again. Well, just so you know, okay, no shame around it ever. Of course. Ever. I had more sobriety dates than there are dates on the calendar. It took me three years just to get 30 days. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I don't, you, how long are you trying to get sober? Well, I went to rehab for the first time last June. But I had been trying to get sober on my own. since the beginning of COVID. Right.

So, but like, three years. Yeah, three years. Three years. And you got two weeks. Well, the longest I've had sober. Oh, you did. You got four months. I didn't.

I didn't. The longest I've ever had sober is 31 days, 32 days. That is so funny because I had 29 days and folded three times. Same. I had a 28 day curse. Every time I got to 28 days, I would slip up. Then you're going to do great. You're going to do great.

Yes. I promise. This is a good thing. So because you're two weeks sober, I thought two weeks, four months, same thing. Okay. I thought we'd do this in a format that you really are familiar with. Great. Remember at the meetings, you go, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today.

But I want to do it in a certain way. Okay. So, but that's the basic format. So what I want to know is, how bad it was. I mean, I want to hear the raw shit. Oh, I can tell you. Okay, good.

It was obviously a slow build to like just being drunk all day every day, but at its peak, I would wake up feeling like shit, immediately take two or three shots, then go sit on the couch, probably order food, black out, not get the food, wake up angry at myself, take three more shots, run out of alcohol, either. drunkenly walk a mile to a gas station or somewhere to find more or post made it. Uber eats it. Like just blowing all my money on that. I mean, it was literally just all I did all day was drink for weeks on end.

And that's so funny. You never fell asleep. You passed out. Oh, yeah. No, there was no. There was no sleeping by choice. I would wake up on the floor of my bathroom and just be like, what the, like, How did I even just lay down here?

Throw up? Oh my God. I would throw up and then immediately take a shot. Well, you had to. That shit in your mouth made you want to. Gotta get rid of the taste. Got to get rid of the taste. Do you ever wake up in your throwup?

Never woke up in my throw up. No, but I woke up like and immediately jolted out of bed to throw up. Did you ever throw up while you're sleeping? No. No, yes, yes, actually. There was one time, and this was the day before I went to rehab for the very first time that I was drinking all day by myself and my boyfriend hadn't heard from me and he knew that I had been struggling. So he showed up at my house. He had a key.

And he came in to find me passed out on my back throwing up. That's how you die. Exactly. So that was kind of the moment where it was like, okay, you need to get some treatment. When you woke up in the morning, did you have the DTs, the shakes? And you needed it. And did you need it if you did in order to get? Yeah, well. Oh, yeah.

To stop shaking. Just to feel normal, not even to feel the buzz or the drunkness, just to not feel like shit. Just to stop shaking. Wow. Yeah. And how old are you? I'll be 29 in June. Wow.

That's gnarly. I've lived a lot of life in these years. You have no idea. Tell me about the wreckage. Well, I think part of why it went on so long and got so bad is because there was minimal wreckage. I work for myself. I work from home. I'm the only one out here in California. My family's in Indiana. I could go weeks without leaving my house and no one would know. No one was there to hold me accountable. So there wasn't like as far as relationship wise, there wasn't a ton of wreckage. I mean,

in my life leading up to it, there were arrests, of course, but. Oh, tell me about that. Because that's That's what I'm talking about. Oh, it was not being, such an alcohol. Such an alcoholic. Oh, there was no wreckage. I mean, I was arrested all the time. Gone. Well, I was arrested twice before I was 18 for drinking.

It was two minors and a public intoxication. Right. And then I got expelled for drinking at school. And then. You weren't even drinking at school. It was at a football game. I went to a private Catholic school. Oh, really?

So what you do outside of school, they can suspend you or expel you for it. Okay. Yeah. And then when I was out in California, when I had just turned 21, thank God I was 21, I'd gotten pulled over for a DUI. So I got one of them. And then after that, I got pulled over for driving on a suspended license. To be fair, didn't know it was suspended. Oh, I mean, even if you did, it wouldn't have mattered how the hell are you going to get where you need to go.

Exactly. I mean, okay, you were drunk and driving. This was like such a step down. It didn't really matter. So those are the arrests. It's nothing like insane, you know, but. Any times where you were drinking and maybe somebody took advantage of you? Of course.

Are you kidding? I'm a female alcoholic, you know? Right. How did that make you feel? Shame. And, of course, you, once you feel, that shame, you just want to bury it with more alcohol. And also guilt, because if I hadn't had been drinking, would that have happened? Which shouldn't matter. It shouldn't happen regardless.

Yeah, but that's something of your business. Of course, that's a societal thing. Right. The answer is no. Right. Right. I mean, you put yourselves in this, you're not a victim. Right. Right. Or accountable. See, alcoholics have to be accountable or we're victims. And victim is a weak position. Yeah. Right. And you don't want to be in that position. Because you're not. Mm-hmm. Okay. You're definitely not.

Okay. More. Give me more. Paint the picture. How bad was it? Oh, man. I mean, I didn't, I just stopped working. I wasn't making any money.

My whole life revolved around alcohol was my number one priority before my family, before my relationships. I had, I isolated pretty much all day every day. I have no friendships from prior. to that time that still remain except for like maybe one or two. But weren't you online and had a big online phone? Oh yeah. Nobody knew. Nobody knew. I was so high functioning even when I was blacked out. I would FaceTime my mom for a half hour blacked out. I would look at my phone log and be like,

they have to know and they never knew. You even remember calling. Not even not a slight memory. You had to look to see what you did. I understand. I understand. completely. What got you sober? I mean, I know you told me about that one instance, that wasn't the, that wasn't the first time. No, no, I think I knew that I was needing some, like, outside serious help for years leading up to that. But I think that I was too afraid to tell anyone. I still felt like it was embarrassing. And I felt like, well, how am I ever going to have fun again? Right. Like, what am I supposed to do? How is anyone ever going to want to hang out with me if I'm sober.

That's right. And so I just, I think I just didn't want to let go of that life when in reality, there wasn't that life. I wasn't going out and having fun with friends drinking. I was blacking out. Right. Wondering how I got home in the morning. But you did at the beginning, right?

Because it starts off all fun. Temporarily. I mean, I, even in the beginning, I was, I never drank normally. No, no, no, no. Of course not. Come on. I know that. Okay.

What I'm saying is at first it starts off for real alcoholics like you and me, right? At first it starts out all fun. Right. And you graduate to fun with problems. And then you graduate to all problems. Yes. Right? That's kind of how it works.

Yeah. When did you go ahead and figure out that you were stuck, you couldn't do it on your own, and you needed help? And then you started saying, well, rehab to be in a safe, contained supportive place. Probably April of last year is when I actually admitted to myself that I need to, like, remove myself from my own environment and have people who know what they're doing help me. And even then, I was like, well, I'll just do an IOP. Oh, you did? You went to aftercare before primary care. I went to one day of IOP.

Oh, that's cool. And I, they could tell I showed up drunk. And so I was sent home. And then I just avoided it and told people I was still going. And then up until that event happened where my boyfriend found me, that's when I went to inpatient. Do you know what I love about AA? They expect you to show up drunk. Oh, I know.

I love it. I love how non-judgmental it is. Like they just are happy you're there. Yeah. That's right. You know, if you would have shown up to rehab drunk, they would have expected it too. Oh, I did. Oh, I did.

Good. That was my last hurrah. When was this? Well, it technically wasn't the last, but I called it. No, you want to know what? I totally get it because I don't remember anything. People are like, what happened? I'm like, dude, I lost two decades.

Shut the fuck up. There is so many like months of time where I'm like, don't ask me a single thing about that month. I can't. I have no idea where I was. Isn't it cool to be gotten? Yes. That's the best part about going to meetings. because they're all here the craziest shit that I don't think anyone could ever relate to.

And I'm like, wow, they get that. How was your journey in the rehabs? Like, what was it like? Well, I had no idea what to expect. I mean, I had no, no one in my family is an alcoholic. Right. Nobody in my family has had to deal with this. Like, we just didn't know.

I had no clue what I was walking into. So I got there. I had to go through detail. How was that? It was a lot better than detoxing at home. Oh, yeah. I mean, I could say that, but it was still very scary. I hated not knowing like where I was going after that.

I hated having a roommate. And probably the trauma of being taken advantage of in the past. Now you're with a bunch of people you don't know, right? And they're giving you a handful of pills just to knock you out. Right. So that you, you know. Well, I also have PTSD from a home break in from when I was. home during it.

And so... How long? How long ago? I think it was in 2019. So you were drinking like a fish? Oh, that's the only way I could sleep. Okay, got it. Well, that's the way you could pass out. Pass out.

Right. So I also was, I told all the nurses, I said, I can't have people coming in and out of the room. Like, if there's loud noises, I'm going to have a panic attack. And so they were very understanding. They had to come in, obviously, and do vitals through the night to make sure I'm not like having a seizure or anything. But they were super accommodating. made it all very comfortable.

Once I got out of detox and went into residential, honestly, it was such a good experience. I was so afraid and nervous, but the people that were there in my hall, it was like the first time that I really felt like, oh, I'm not the only person going through this. And like, people from all different walks of life who somehow we all share this massive thing

that's so confusing and hard to understand and hard to explain. And we didn't have to explain it to each other. Do you know what I analogize that with? Guys in the military in the same unit who have to have each other's back. Right. And there's just a bond, like a brotherhood. It's camaraderie. It so is.

And it's based upon going through the same exact thing. Yeah. Right? I just love that. Yeah. It feels like team sports. Oh, 100%. Right.

Everything you ever need to. to know about life you learn in team sports. It felt like summer camp a little bit too. Right. If it's, if you have the right people right come in with you, you know, they're constantly in and out, right? Yeah. You had somebody there who was great. And then they left before you're like, oh.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I was put into a, they call it the swamp. So it's the only four person room. So I was with three other girls. And at first I was like, this is a fucking nightmare. But it ended up, I'm still in contact.

with two of the girls. They're like some of my closest friends. Great. Just such like a, it couldn't have gone better and thank God because I was looking for any reason to get out of there. Any excuse and I would have dipped. Right. They kept you there. Yeah. That's beautiful. What are you doing today? Doing a lot of AA meetings. I'm doing 90 and 90.

So I'm doing a ton of meetings there. I just volunteered yesterday for three hours and went over there and cleaned it. I repainted the bassboards. Uh-huh. So I'm just trying to... And you're an artist. And you're painting all these boards. I don't even... What are those boards? Are they... Are they skateboards? Are they skateboards? No, no, no. The boards that you paint. Oh, yeah, skateboards. Are they really skateboards? They look like skateboards. Well, because they are. Okay, but I, yeah, but I've, I'm Jewish. I... What else would they be? It's dangerous. I don't ride them. Right. That's cool. Thank you. Is that a business?

It should be, but You don't have a website and putting them online? I do. I'm just attached to everything I paint. Oh, that's cool. That's even cooler. I want to do prints, but I can't figure out how, so one day. I don't even know what you're talking about.

Like a print of an artwork. Instead of buying the painting, you buy a print of it. Oh. And you want to do prints? Prints of my art, so I can keep the paintings. And sell the prints. Yes. Oh, that's cool.

Thanks. People would normally do it the other way around. Maybe. No, I like the fact that you're keeping the good shit. It's mine. No, but I like the fact, no, but the part that I like about it is it's like a self-love thing. Yeah. It's like I'm worth it.

I'm keeping this. I'm proud of them. Right. Yeah. Good for you. Thank you. You're also doing music. I am.

What was that song you walked in here earlier and I told you, wow, that was a cool song? Butterfly wings. Wow. That is no joke. Thank you. You've got a sultry voice. Thank you. And that was a great beat.

You wrote that song. I did. I did. Yep. It's so amazing, you know. It's like you get sober, right? And, you know, most of the people get sober in treatment. Right.

The guys like you and me, right? Because you go to AA and it's just not enough. Right. Right. Right. A.A. is more for support afterwards, right? 100%.

And but we're such talented people. I mean, we really are. 100%. And we're the only people, right, who can be eating like dumpster diving, right? And then like, you know, seven years later, eight years later, you're the fucking DA. Right? Right? It's so true.

So true. I mean, we are just a talented people. and you're a lot like that. I mean, I'm not gassing you up. I mean, if you weren't talented, I just wouldn't have brought it up. It's good to know. Thank you. Yeah, I wouldn't have said like, you know, you're shitty at that, find a new job.

Maybe try a different avenue. Right. I wouldn't have done that, although you did that nice. You don't have to teach my daughter that because that's... I'm really good at it. Yeah, a lot less edgy than she is. It is. I like the passive aggressive.

Oh, it's my favorite. I do not like confrontation. Okay. I like confrontation. but passive aggressive when I don't have the time. If you can stay sober, you can have a magnificent life, not a good life. The life you were always meant to have before you got derailed from drugs and alcohol. Yeah.

I mean, I don't even know if you believe it. I didn't for a very long time. You still don't. You still don't have it all. I think, yeah. If you had it all, you wouldn't have two weeks sober. I think that my whole. life is kind of in it's a unique situation because since I was 12 I've just been doing

internet stuff and supporting myself and there's been a lot of opportunities that are placed in front of me that are incredible and that I do but I don't think I've ever taken the time to think about what I want to do with my life and what I'm passionate about and so now that I'm really focused on staying sober getting sober and doing things in my life that help keep that in place. I'm now thinking about those things. And so I want to know about your parents. Wonderful people. Angels. Angels. Still together. High school sweethearts. Never heard them fight a day in my life. How is your childhood, though? Fantastic. I mean, I went to private Catholic school. And that was traumatizing. I definitely have like religious trauma for sure.

Right. Well, just so you know, God doesn't care. I hope not. He does not care. Yeah. I still with AA, the whole God word, I have like a visceral reaction. I'm a higher power kind of gal. Same thing. Whenever you want to call it, it's cool. But yeah, my, my, growing up, I had a, I mean, we were middle class. We weren't, like, rich, but there was never a time where I knew if we were struggling, you know. Right.

So there was so much love in the house. So much. That you didn't even know the things didn't matter. Right. The love mattered. A hundred percent. Smaller or medium-sized house. Like, how many square feet?

about. I don't, I don't know. Okay, oh, this is 700 square feet. This is 700. I could, I could not guess. The reason I even bring it up is I was just reading something the other day that the smaller of the house was the tighter-knit family. Oh, wow. And because you can't go isolate. Right. Right. And I don't know how my 12-year-old knew it at the time, but we went looking for a house and she wouldn't even walk past the threshold. She's like, you're a single guy. I'm not stepping. foot in this house.

Yeah. I'm like, babe, we're here. Just come and look at the house. And she's like, man, come with me, Daddy. I'll show you where you're living. And she took me to this sweet little street and this tiny little cottage. And she goes, this is where you're living. And I was like, why, baby?

Why are you so attached to this house? And she said, we're four minutes away, Daddy. I want to be next to you. Oh. And I was like, yeah, I know. That's so sweet. The best. And I said, okay.

And I overpaid for the house like 20%. But she was happy. She's still, yeah, she's still happy. She's still happy. Can I make a suggestion? Of course. Every time I tried to get sober, just to be sober, it didn't work. Right.

And the reason is, for me, is we have to replace what we have to replace what we're we hold as valuable with something of greater value. Right. Or you're not going to do it. Right. And for me, it was, I wanted to be an elegant man, but I didn't know how to do that. So I held it together for a little bit. I got buried.

I quickly realized that was horrible. And so we got divorced. And I was on the fence, man. I could have gone either way. I had three years sober. And I could have literally, and I already folded one. at two years, nine months. Wow.

Right? And so I knew that I needed help. And as she was leaving and I saw her tail lights, right? I called my friend and I said, hey, Andy, I need you to come here and stay with me and live here. Nice. He goes, dude, I just got an apartment in Westwood. I said, yeah, screw it. Okay.

It'll be where we can go to the bathroom or in the city. Just come on. Come here. I can't be left unattended, man. I just can't. Yeah. And he came. and we lived together for like three years.

Wow. And, but in that, two years, and in that period of time right there, by the way, I'm running a treatment center at this point. Right, right. Okay. And it's like, world renown. And I'm like, and I'm having a hard time. Right. And then I met this girl because I started getting well and water seeks its own level, right?

Right. And then once I was with her and I felt like. you know, what a nurturer and I just adored her, right? And the second that happened, you know, she was 38 and she dragged me into a therapist. Just, I'm like, babe, we're doing great. I mean, we're like loving on each other all the time. It's like, no, no, baby, we can always do better. Just come on, right? And what universe is great, better than excellent? Just come on, right? And she takes me in there. And the therapist in the first five minutes goes, hey, man, she's 38 and she wants a baby.

Okay? And if you're not interested in that, you should let her know. Mm-hmm. And I was blindsided by it. Yeah. Yeah. Right? And then he started saying something to me.

I go, hey, man, I need a minute. Mm-hmm. And so he was like, and she's nervous. And I looked at this woman for probably a minute. And then I said, yeah, I will definitely have a baby with you. Right. Yeah. And that's how, for me, being a father, did it. Right. Because before that, I was screwed. Owning a Treatment Center wasn't going to do it. Right. Nothing was going to do it. I mean, I helped everyone I could stay busy, be of service. Stay busy, be of service. Yep. Because that's when you stay out of your head, right?

Mm-hmm. You have to find something more valuable. Yeah. Okay. Then the drinking or you're going to drink again. Right. Okay. And I can tell you what it is. Okay. It's your music. Thank you. You're really good at it. Thank you. That's what you need to focus on. That should be your primary purpose. People used to come from all over the world to get my best thinking. Right? I'm telling you that's who you are. Thank you so much. Yeah. I really, when I was deep in addiction, I don't think I touched music for three years. And so I'm finally just recently getting back into it and like writing a lot. And I've been writing so many songs just about addiction and like different forms. And it's just been so therapeutic.

So I'm excited. Thank you for saying that. I'm excited. You're going to write about it all. I mean, it's too bad that you've been with this new guy for so long because you could pull a Taylor Swift and shank back up. right you know full of Taylor Swift yeah just I mean genius

he's my drummer can't get rid of him oh really yeah that's how we met I'm talking about the old guy that broke your heart oh no fuck that guy yeah that's what I'm saying you fell in love too fast yeah if you wouldn't have fallen love that fast you could have shank that other guy

in your songs oh I still can oh good don't please don't stop find it wherever you can right Thank you. It's finding what you're good at and then becoming excellent at it. Right.

And the better you get at it, the more you love it. Yeah. You know, it's just nobody ever likes something they were shitty at. Right? I liked drinking, although I was pretty good at that. I was too good at that. Yeah, but then it became all problems. Yeah.

Right? And that's what got you to treatment. How are you liking sobriety right now? I love myself sober. I think sober me is the best possible version of myself, of course. I think I'm still remembering who I am and who I was before addiction because I think that once the pandemic hit and it really should hit the fan, I just lost everything about myself. I used to be so outgoing. I was out seeing people every single day.

And after the pandemic and after going off the handle with drinking, I just didn't want to see anybody. I had so much anxiety, social anxiety, just went through the roof. I had paranoia everywhere I went that I was like going to get killed for some reason. And I just forgot who I was. So I feel like now that I'm sober and I'm pushing myself to go to these meetings in person and make connections and interact. with people. I'm remembering who I was, and it's nice to get that back. And so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. You know what I like most is that you seem to have a joy of living. Thank you. I mean, I don't know how the hell you got it. Oh, it wasn't always there.

No, but you've rebounded. You've got two weeks sober. You've rebounded really quickly. Like, I just found a joy of living like 10 years ago, right? It's like I'm 57. I mean, you're 28, 29. It's like, what do you do for fun? I have two dogs. What kind of dogs? I have a, well, my boyfriend has a toy Yorkie, which is basically our dog now.

Right. And then I just recently adopted a Yorkie mix from a hoarding situation. So we don't really know what he is, but he's just perfect. Do you say a boarding or a hoarding? Hoarding. Oh, God, that's so disgusting. He lost all his teeth so his tongue hangs out the side of his mouth. Wait, hoarding.

That's like, that's like in a group, like people save all their shit. You can't get, you can't get anywhere in the house. Yes. And he was just in there. Poor baby. Were the people dead? You couldn't find him. Who's to say?

That's so funny. So I hang out with my dogs. I paint a lot. I just, I like to spend my days doing creative things. I'm a creative person at heart. My parents are both artists. It's just like what I grew up doing. So I just try to fill all my time with anything creative.

And that's your joy of living. It is. And that's why you write songs. 100%. And you just got lucky with the voice. You could say that. No training. I took a little bit of voice lessons, but I also destroyed my voice for a long time with all the...

Yeah, but if this is the raspy result, that was work at it. Worth it. Totally. Totally worth it. Andrea, where can people find you? All over the internet. All the handles are Andrea Russet. I'm back on YouTube now.

I've been vlogging. So I'm doing like little daily vlogs of what I do all day. It's not much, but it's fun. Uh-huh. But yeah, and of course on Spotify, Andrea Russet, all the good musical goodness. Didn't talk about the new EP. I am working on a new EP. Uh-huh.

Tell me. An EP is basically like a diet album. it's smaller. Nice. It's like before you put out an album, you put out an EP, so it's like five or six songs. So I'm working on that. But you had a lot of songs. Yeah, but those are all just singles.

And those were like, you know, I was still drinking during a lot of those. A lot of the lyrics, it's not like who I am anymore. So I want a fresh EP. Well, if you ever die, you can keep releasing those songs or your steak, like Tupac. Right? Yeah, I have a hologram of me. He's got a gazillion songs. I mean, he's been releasing albums for like 20 years after he's gone.

It's phenomenal. Right. Right. So you'll save those for your kids. Yes, perfect. Cool. Hey, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me. It was a nice conversation. Yes, ma'am. We're out of time. Please subscribe on YouTube. Click the thumbs up and leave a comment. Please subscribe on Apple Podcast and Spotify and leave a rating and a review. And share the We're Out of Time podcast with others you know who will get value out of

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