We're Out of Time - Bighead: From Motocross Tracks To Chart Topping Hits

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

Songwriter, DJ, and hitmaking producer BIGHEAD joins Richard Taite on this powerful episode of the We’re Out of Time podcast. Known for producing chart-topping hits, BIGHEAD opens up about his childhood, the dark depths of addiction, and the painful experience of losing close friends to substance use. He discusses his experience with tattoo culture and how he came to embrace the nickname 'Big Head' as part of his identity. Now over five years sober, he reflects on how recovery has transformed his life, allowing him to show up as a father, thrive creatively, and travel the world with clarity and purpose. Big Head's story is one of hope and overcoming obstacles.👉 Follow the podcast for more raw, honest, and inspiring conversations every week and please share with others who will get value out of it.🔗 All things Richard Taite, We're Out of Time, and Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa: https://linktr.ee/richardtaiteFor more on Bighead: https://www.instagram.com/killbighead

Songwriter, DJ and music producer Bighead joins the We're Out of Time podcast. Fear is driven my whole life. And eventually I started doing music secretly. My dad, I was a guitar player, but he was like, don't do music. That stuff's wack. So I got the name Big Head. I would get mad that they called me that, but I was like, I'm going to embrace it so they don't say it no more maybe.

I remember being really young, six years old, I'm Bighead. And that became a thing. No one ever called me nothing else but Big Head. I think that the face tats, especially a lot of people I got, I'm kind of around the same era. It was just to look cool. I literally got these to look cool in front of a girl. I do everything for a woman, too.

You know? That's how the world works. How long you sobered him? Five years. You know, I thought it was all over. I got sober and I said the fun's over. And I didn't know what was not to happen the most beautiful life to ever. To be like this dad, to see countries,

to love people, to not be angry all the time. You know what I'm saying? You couldn't sell me on this before. I would have said, there's no way that would happen to me. Thank you for listening to the We're Out of Time podcast with Richard Tate. If you haven't already, please follow the podcast, rate and review.

And if you're getting value out of where out of time, share it with someone else you know. Big head. What's good. How you doing, man? Thanks for showing us. Oh, thanks for having me. Dude, I just, I got to tell you, man, I've had so many underground rappers and I know you're not rap it, right? You're a producer, right? You produce all the beats, right? But I've had so many of you guys come here that I am completely desensitized to the facial tats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like seriously, six months ago, I would have been scared. I'd be like, do it. I already just been like, who are these people in my house?

Right? I feel like that when I walk into places that people are, that they're feeling that way. Yeah, especially older ladies and stuff. So I try to be extra nice and smile. Dude, you want to know it's funny after I've met probably, I don't know, maybe it's 1520 guys right now, at least. There's one common thread. All kind. All good souls.

all showing up just because people are dying around them and they don't want to see it anymore. Yeah. I mean, he got a good group of, he had a good community going on here, man. I think that the, and I think that the face tats, especially a lot of people I got, I'm kind of around the same era.

And I think, like, for me, I'm going to speak for me. Mine are like, it was just to look cool. I literally got these to look cool in front of a girl. I do everything for a woman, you know? That's how the world works. Do you think guys really like driving a Ferrari? Yeah, facts. I mean, it's so uncomfortable.

It's so uncomfortable. The noise is abusive. If you get a scratch, it's a 10 grand. It's like, of course that's the reason. It's all to impress someone. Yeah, and I think that I just got them because I felt like the insecurity is really, since their child, you know? You just want to fit in and it's like, that's like your thing.

Yeah. Like, you know, what was our thing? I don't even remember what our thing was. Yeah, I think that your generation was a bit tougher, a bit more not as mentally, is mentally ill a bad word to say now? Mentally ill, I guess. I think that our, I think that are you. Do you want to stop?

Yeah. That was beautiful that you said that because we don't even know what we can say anymore. We can. I know. And it's just so scary, like, talking at all anywhere. I'm just like, am I saying something that's kind of offensive? And it's like, I walk in on the egg sheds and I can't, honestly, like, I'm going to keep it real. I just can't stand speaking and being, like, being uncomfortable.

Like, if I'm going to say it, like, just a word mentally ill. I believe my generation is far more mentally troubled and ill than. Well, it is. It is because we didn't have social media. Yeah, I think it's buying us. I do. Well, it's not just frying us. It's dividing us, right?

Which is a bad deal. But you, as a general rule, it's just, it's ironic to me that the scariest guys or the scariest looking guys are the sweetest guys. It just, it blows me away. It looks scary until you meet the person and then you meet them and you're like, it's all love. No, right? I want to know from your upbringing. We want to know what it was like to be little head and how you got to be big head.

All right. So tell me about briefly, just over your family life, what it was like growing up. I grew up and my parents separated in Pondo, California, desert town, race in motocross with my dad on the weekends. and sister schizophrenic. So it was chaos and house. There's a lot of, all my physical needs room, I had a lot of things.

I had a dirt bike. I had clothes and skateboarder. Did all this physical stuff. No ball sports. My dad was like, ball sports are lame. You're going to be a motorcross racer. But there was cops always at the house.

There was a lot of fights. Mom ended up moving back briefly, and we were all fighting. A lot of chaos. A lot of schizophrenia, a lot of meth. What was the fighting about? My sister was a dual diagnosed from meth. She got schizophrenia eventually from being meth and drugs.

And yeah, she would have delusions and just try to fight my. Let's go back to that. So your sister was how old when she started doing drugs? Roughly. A teenager. Teenager. I was over 10 years apart. She's 10 years older.

Okay. So let's call it 16. Yeah. Let's say 16 was when it started. She was pretty bad. Yeah. Okay. When did she stop doing?

drugs. Ooh, somewhere in her 30s, I think. Probably she finally laid it down. The mentalness got way worse. It's a darnal. The schizophrenia is a gnarly disease. She might have been something like bipolar. Oh, for sure.

Right? For sure. And that feels schizophrenic. Well, it was, she was talking to herself, like, out loud. Dude, I talked to myself. I'm not schizophrenic. Oh, it was gnarly about, like, Queen Elizabeth and microchips. Like, some of the shit was like, I was like, man, you kind of could.

looking and now you look at the things that are happening to world now I'm like wait a minute she's talking about some of this like 10 years ago 20 years ago almost you mean to tell me that your sister was talking 10 years ago about stuff that hadn't yet happened dude it's weird I don't it's like yes or no yes yes yes is this stop stop for 100% we need to get your sister out here because I could I could be really nice just to get like who's going to win next year's world series I want to know who's going to win the NBA championship I want to know who's going to, you know, I mean, I want to know all the money. I want to know who's winning March Badness.

I mean, if she can really call that, I mean, I want to, you know, not that I'm going to exploit anybody, but. No, she's awesome. Now, I love her, but yeah, it was these weird delusions that she had and it was quite weird. But, like, it is what it is, you know. At the time, I would use it, like, for me type thing. It couldn't bring homies over. But it was only the, but I get it.

I grew up with a sick brother. Yeah. Okay. But go on. But yeah, so I grew up at Pondola racing motorcross, a teenager, you know, I started seeing girls, getting girls at 12. My dad was a lot of, like, my dad was always like drugs and women are going to ruin your life if you ever do it.

Right. You're not going to be a good motorcross racer, and that was my fear. And I was scared as a boy that, man, dude, riding motorcross from five years old, and you're lining up with 20 other little kids and going into a first corner and you're tumbling sometimes. Dude, it's scary. And then you start getting fast, you're 12, 13, and you're racing some fast kids.

I started traveling. And it was four, now it's 40 of you, 12-year-olds, going to a corner, like on a fucking pretty fast bike. I got ran over, all types of injuries and stuff. But it was just, I think it built me tough. God bless my dad for getting me into that. I think that built me to be where I'm at today. He's close was your old band today?

Yeah, yeah. Well, he passed away two years ago. Or three years? And, but yeah, I was really close to them. How did you pass? I don't know. They said on the thing, the thing with the corner out here in LA, well, Los Angeles, people don't like to do their job, period. I've noticed in all fields, music industry, any industry, they don't like to do their jobs.

So when it's an older person, they come and they go heart failure. Obviously, that's like every death is eventually heart failure. That's what dying is. But it said heart failure, but I walked, I got to the house and there was like a cup with, like, crushed up substance in it. and he was doing like Adderals and stuff and other substances. I kind of found out towards him. But he was supposed to be sober. He stopped drinking years ago, but he probably had a little relapse.

So he passed away, but I was really close to my dad growing up as well. My mom is like a little Latina lady that's crazy. I love her. I'm really close to her, especially now. I've tormented that woman. Trust me. I used to think it was all her fault and it was all my fault. And she's the best.

She's taking great care of me. But I was really close to my dad because of the motorcrime. I was scared to quit racing. because of my father. Right. I didn't want him. He would be, he was not happy when I did quit.

Right. He's like, I'm 30 grand in debt. You know, he's just a credit card swiping. And it's expensive sport. It's not like you go buy a ball and some gloves. This is new tires every week,

building the bikes. I had multiple bikes two a week, practice bike, race bikes, stock bike, modified bike, like, it was serious trailer. Did you do,

did you win anything? Oh yeah, and I've made some money. I had sponsors, everything. I mean, and when I would go and go to the nationals, like in states and stuff.

A lot of the pros that are racing right now, they're about to retire soon because you retire early, 30 years old. They were in that sport. A lot of them are pro now that I was racing. I was getting like eighth. They would kind of smoke me. I was scared.

Fear has been driven my whole life. There's like that in-cubis song and it talks about fear and I absolutely love it. But yeah, it's if I was just not a little scared, I think I would have been faster. And that played a role in my whole life. And eventually I started doing music secretly. My dad, my dad was a guitar player,

but he was like, don't do me. using that stuff's whack you know but let me let me let me let me let me let me go back yeah the fear the fear is healthy yeah the fear is healthy 100 sure because you know we're fight or flight people you know what a man's job was was you know he was to you know hunt the bear yeah you know you got to be afraid of the bear you know you got to be careful when you're hunting bear right fears fear's healthy no here's the thing you're about fear because I get afraid all the time. All the time. I was afraid today. And I got reason to be afraid that this is what I do. I lean right into it. And then I run right through it. Nope.

Because the worst thing is to feel like a coward. Now I'm not talking about when you were a kid playing sports. When I was a kid playing sports, I got hit, I got cracked the first time I went back to pass. and I got cracked but good. Okay, now there's two things you can do in that moment. Can either dust yourself off, get angry, and go, okay, let's go. That's not what I said. Yeah. Right?

What I said was, oh, you better start learning how to read, okay? Because this ain't for you. Fikes. Really? Yeah, but see, you got cracked. You had a reason. Like, I had crashed. Yeah, dude.

You got run a lot. over and tumbled ever. A lot of fear was not even, there was not even a reason, you know, you're just like fearing maybe this can happen, which is you're saying, it is healthy. And, but, you know, there was days. I remember my dad wrote this day down. Like, it was July 7th or something. And I remember that day.

I was probably seven years old. And there was this one kid, and he was really fast and there was a bunch of them. And I would probably get like fifth at the time kind of way back. I wasn't jumping the jumps and some of these kids were really fearless and they were jumping these jumps. But that day I woke, I remember I took a nap. It's a Saturday night race. I took a good ass nap at the track and I wake up and there was no fear. I remember it.

I'm getting chills talking about it. And there was no fear. And I was there with my, so I got the name Big Head. I'm going to talk about this real quick from a guy that was there. It was a racer. I used to stay at their house during the week when my dad was working. And he's the older brother. He's probably in this teenage and he'll, you got a big head and it'll make fun of me hard.

and like throw us around and punch us and stuff. It's just like kind of like toughen us up and they'll call me big. And I only know he didn't get with it was like, yeah, I'm big head. So what? I would get mad that they called me that, but I was like, I'm going to embrace it so they don't say it no more maybe. I remember being really young, six years old. I'm big head. And that became a thing.

No one ever called me nothing else but big head since I was a child. But that day at that track, he was there. They've got to call us me big head. And there's an open practice. You could ride with the big hits, a little. Everyone just does a quick little couple laps around. And he was like, let's follow me on the jumps. He was on a bigger bike.

And I followed him and I just decided to jump him during practice. So I kind of got it down. My dad's super pumped. And then I go to a race. There's no fear, dude. I'm like, I felt like something else was controlling me. And I won this race by like a lot of distance. Like I smoked these kids.

My dad was the best day of his life. He wrote it down and brought it up until my adult years. I mean, even until I started music and success in music, he'll try to like bring it up and talk about it. And like, remember that day, July 7th? And he went to, like, when I was in doubt with music, and I'm like, dude, it's not working. Do you know what a beautiful story that is? I mean, we're hardwired to them.

Our parents, I'm going to say that. But he loved you, man. Oh, dude. So much. And it's the following weekend, guess what happened? Smoked. Didn't jump, not one of the same jumps. Back to the old normal.

Back to the old guy. Back to the fear. And from there on, that thing was lingering. But you just needed somebody to get you psychologically right, you know. It was that older guy, too. From him doing the bully stuff when I was at their house and the trampoling or touching me, I wanted to impress him. So when he said, come on, just jump it. I didn't want him to admit.

I trusted him. That's right. It was like a big brother role. All right, let's get on to, I want to go back to the family. You said that there was a lot of fighting at the house. And it can't just be because you've got one sister who's got mental illness. There had to be some drinking or using in the house. Who was drinking and using in the house during the fighting?

To be honest, well, my mom would drink occasionally. But she does turn, she does turn into a different person when she drinks. She's the type that drinks and it turns a little different. She's not like, see how I know what I'm talking about. Go on. But most of it was my sister using and she would come home on these rants and just, I mean, I'm serious like a bulldozer coming through. And then I got to an age while I started fighting back.

I was like, you're not going to hit my mom or my mom's not going to hit my sister. And I just, and I had that anger in me too. And I felt good in the moment, getting angry. And yeah, there's these fights. And even me, though, even me. My dad would get these girlfriends. and I would want to fight with them, and I don't want them taking my dad away from me,

you know, being a little kid, teenager even. It's how I got around 14. I started getting my own girls at school, and then I'm like, that's lame to do that to my dad. So I was, I'm just saying, I got me and my mom got that feisty in us, and I was a little angry child, though. I was angry at the track.

I was angry all the time. I like to spazzo. I started making beats when I was around 16, and I'd get angry at that, too, when I'm not, I mean, great thing. To the house. Yeah. Let's go back to the house.

Mm-hmm. Okay. So now it's not just your sister. It's a bad family done out. It's not just the sister who's mentally ill. She's also doing the meth. Yep. Okay.

You've got the mother who's drinking not a lot, not a lot. Yeah. Mom, you don't drink a lot. Ha ha ha. But when she drank. thinks, okay, she turns into a different person, right? 100%. Okay, that would contribute to the fighting.

100%. Was your father sober at that time? Oh, yeah, sober. And promoting it, like, that was his thing. It was excellent. What did he do when there was all this discord in the house? So he's like the avoidant time. He frees kind of goes, oh, my God, no, my dad's never been in a fight.

He's really soft-spoken and goofy. You know, you kind of go, oh, my God, and get really stressed out until you could push him a little bit, and then he'll get mad, but not hitting on. He just gets mad. But he's really calm. He's really freaks out.

He's really soft. And he goes, sweet. He'll go, oh, my God. He freaks on. He stresses out. And I remember being a kid looking at my, bro, stop freaking out. It's just some fighting.

I had that mom toughness, and I was like, bro, we're chilling. You know? That's right. And he'll think about it for a week later, and I would frustrate him. So let's go into this. I want to talk about your druggies.

Hmm. Tell me about your druggies. That's fine. I end up being the worst one. That's why you're here. Yeah. So, I mean, so I started like, I was making beats at 16 and then there was no drugs and I was, I've never even small. I tried weed one time as a teenager. I was really scared. Scared of alcohol. I'm the type at the party 14, 15 people are drinking. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I take a beer and I go like this. Then set it down far away. So no one knows I'm not like, or just hold it. I'm scared to feel the effect of anything because of what my dad had said about it.

He made it sound really scarier. And turn out like your sister. He told me about how his careers got ruined from drinking. And I believed it. And mom, dad ends up marrying some girl, a lady, and moves away. God bless her, she's a sweet woman too. And he moved away. I moved with mom and I'm becoming an adult and I'm making beats and I'm making money off of websites.

I haven't had got a big song yet. And my friends would always make funny me and say, you're overthinking. You always overthinking. I'd try to make beats in front of them. from my little rapper friends from my hometown that you're overthinking you need to take a xanax and finally i was like maybe you're right you know and i started taking some zanz and dude i remember i took that thing but i didn't know what the effect was going to be and i laid down in my bed and i took this quarter piece of a zanx not even or not and i laid there like i laid there scared as shit

waiting for it to hit me and it hit me and it was the greatest feeling ever i got up walked down to my mom and told her mom you're the best mom ever gave her a hug i remember this day and i was so life was so colorful in that moment and I said, holy shit, this is exactly what I needed. I'm out. For the kids at home, it always starts out all fun. Then you graduate to fun with problems.

And then you graduate to all problems. Yep, 100%. And quick, I'll tell you quick. So I was probably around 18, 19. And I'm making, you know, and then quickly progress. I mean, the next week I'm doing other drugs. I'm doing not coke, drinking.

Do you know why that is? Why is that? Were you happy or were you depressed at that point in your life? Said you were angry. I think that at that moment, anxious. Okay, good. But when you're angry, okay? Look, when you're depressed, right?

You're in a weakened state. Okay? When you're angry, you're in a stronger state. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Depression feels victimizing. Angry feels powerful. It feels powerful.

Yeah. Okay. So when you take an opioid or Xanax, what happens is when you're depressed, you're no longer depressed. Yeah. Right? And when you have that moment where your head's chewing on you or you're anxious or whatever. it is and you get that relief right away, you want to do it every day. You don't want to deal with that nonsense that you just, you know. And so, but it always starts and middle and ends the same.

It always starts and ends the same. It's all fun. You graduate to fun with problems and then it's all problems. Right. And it's even, it's even more manipulative, tricky, than that. Like, I mean, not only did it make me feel amazing, like, the outer side of my life started becoming really good. I started making more money. The women were better. Everything. It tricked me. It's like, it's insane. I, you know, I'm starting to unpack that for a second. Yeah. Okay. At the beginning when it's all fun, meaning it's working for. It's working, yeah. Right? Why is it working for you? Probably it's giving me more confidence. I'm thinking less. Okay, hold on.

Liquid courage. That's an excellent example. If you're in a bar and you see a girl and she's so beautiful, you're a little intimidated, at least what I used to do when I was a kid because I was afraid to talk to really. Same. Right? I would suck back a couple shots, wait a couple minutes, walk up and go, hey, babe. Yep.

And I don't care if she says nowhere, yeah. I'll walk away. If you turn me down, okay, next one. Well, the first question I always asked is, do you have a cat? Oh, that's good. I mean, I don't do the cat thing. I can't do it. I like, I'm a dog guy.

I love dogs. Cats, I don't think they fuck with us. Yeah. But, like cats. So I start, you know, I'm starting to do the normal thing, party and doing the party drugs. And music's going good. I'm making more money, making good beats. And that leads to me coming from Palmdale, it's an hour from L.A.

going out here to parties and stuff and meeting people. And there was an underground scene with like, you know, I was around the time, Little Tracy and peep and all them were starting to kind of pop off and famous decks. I started, I had somehow, on time out.

Can we get those other two cats on that? I hate it when the guests talk about people that we haven't had on the show yet. It makes me feel like just less than. Yeah, and I started meeting these people. And my social life got bigger. and it wasn't that bad. My drug use wasn't unmanageable at the moment.

It was pretty manageable. It looked a little crazy, but it was working and I was making money and kind of and spending a lot of money. How did you start realizing that this was maybe becoming a problem? So career absolutely blows up. I get a big song. I get a bunch of big songs and I'm around like, Pete Tracy and the whole goth boy click and I had already had songs with famous decks and um

I'm getting my Instagram's following scoring everything's going great and I had some idea to like I met this drug dealer and he was giving me opi like pill opiates and then he ran out and I he was like a heroin guy and then finally kind of like I was so sick of being sick that I tried it just a little hit I was like oh I didn't inside I thought you would do some heroin and you'm instantly homeless You know how they get the stigma behind it, which is, it's gnarly, you know, but... Well, it's like, it's not far off. Yeah. Instant.

Yeah, it's not instant. But it's quick. But it's very quick. Yeah, so I did it. And I was like, oh, that wasn't, and matter of fact, it wasn't even as strong as the pills when I first tried it. So I'm like, damn, how did you do it? Smoked it. Okay, well, that's why.

Exactly. So I was like, oh, that's not really that bad, and it's cheaper. So, like, a few days later, I started hitting that guy up, but let me get some of that stuff. And it was nasty at first. I got used to it and running that. And then, see. so nasty. It was a tinfoil.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, I was like a classy guy. You know, I'm like, I'm in the bends with some metal things. Like, not metal things, glass stick things. Yeah, it's called the glass pipe. Not like, like these, they're like these sticks. I knew what they are. Or paper clips.

You can use paper clips, and I heat up one paper clip and then tap it with the other, and I would smoke it that way. And then in the meantime, I had just, like, I'm on, and I had met a little pump at that around that time. So I've been DJing for Pump And now I'm starting to do this heroin thing And then shortly after that same guy The same drug dealer was a crackhead

So Doing the heroin thing And I'm doing the traveling too With Little Pump doing the DJ thing And it's really difficult to have drugs And all this on the planes And running out withdrawing in cities And I would have to make a lie up

And like I got to go home because X, Y and Z But really I was withdrawing And finally I ended up telling everybody I got this problem and I get sober for a month go on another tour, come back, relapse. Did that cycle for a long time. I eventually started doing crack and that's when I got gnarly.

Okay, stop. How long were you... Oh, you're about to hear it. Dude, so I made a bunch of money. More money than I've ever seen in my life. These royalty checks were huge. I go, oh, fuck. You know what I'm saying?

Every three months, big royalty checks. And I'm doing crack and when you have a lot of money in your cracker, when do you stop smoking crack? When you run out of money? I run out of money. Exactly. So I was, I mean, I was buying ounces a week. I was a little scared. I was like, this is not good for me. I'm the type of doing. And I go, it's beating a little too fast. I got to go to hospital. I'll tell like the drug dealer, whoever I'm with, you got to take me to hospital. They're like, bro, chill out. It's beating fast. I'm one of those guys. I'm annoying

to be around on drugs. Yeah, dude, I'm just, and another thing, I would have all these people, and I'm like this producer that's blowing up, and I'm doing interviews with like all these companies, and I'm on billboard at this time. And I'm just a full-on heroin. addict and crack at it. And when did the wheels fall off? Then quick. I mean, that year, 2017, 18, that whole, up until 19.

How was just doing the drugs? Well, I lost everything. And I had to go, Mommy, I need to come home. And my mom's living in like a one bedroom apartment with my sister. And they're still fighting. Same thing. Maybe I might have been even worse at this point. Right.

And I come in. And I come in with my girl and somehow she's pregnant now. Somehow she's pregnant? Yeah, I got her. Only we knew how. I got her pregnant and we're about to have a baby. And we're in my mom's house. I have nothing.

And I'm just a full on tweaker. We have the baby. I don't get sober. DCFS is like kind of involved because they see me at the hospital doing weird stuff in the hospital. Like, this guy, I don't know. The Department of Health, Child Services? Yeah, yeah. What is this?

Because I'm sorry, why is child protective services coming to? Well, they caught me in the hospital getting loaded. And they were like, wait, where's this baby? Oh, while she's getting, while she's delivering? Yes, yes, yes. The crazier part is in the moment, it doesn't even feel out of the norm. You're trying to just, I'm just trying not to withdraw. And at this time, I'm doing fentanyl as well.

I wasn't even doing heroin no more. Fetanol is so much worse. So it's insanely dangerous. I'll tell you that. Well, I'm in the hospital and the DCFS comes and they want to know where the baby's going. And obviously it wasn't going back to a fit household. It was a one bedroom with five of us or four of us in there. So that happens.

And I don't get sober until four months later. I woke up. Did they take the child? So went with the other grandma. It was a safer fit and we all mutually agreed that we should do that. The Department of Children's Services said they can't go home with you, but they can go home with your girlfriend's mother. Yeah, I'm the girlfriend.

I mean, I know in the moment that was horrific, right? That it didn't feel as bad as it was. Now that you're sober, okay, how do you feel about, what does that feel like to have the day your child is born. You get caught smoking crap cocaine in a hospital and you don't even get to take that kid home with you. At the time, I was pissed because I'm not looking at my partner. I don't care about the time.

Oh, looking at that now? I care about right now. Oh, dude, you know, honestly, looking back now, I'm grateful that they were aware and they could did because I don't think I was a safe fit to be a parent. That is a beautiful answer. So I didn't even, I didn't even see that coming. That's such a beautiful answer.

I was actually really mad at them for a while, that whole department of the world or whatever, DCFS. And then I realized like God bless them and thank God. Do you ever feel like remorse for that? I would have. I would have been like, that would have been something that I would have been been like it would have traumatized me forever. It does. And even more traumatizing, what if I'd even get better? And what would she be now? She's five. Imagine her dad wasn't there. And I think

about that. Like, oh my God, I could have missed it all all the way up until this moment. And you don't really know what love is until you have a child. Don't. I tell everyone that. I want when they when my homies come, my girlfriend's up loving me or I'm there, she wants to have a kid. Every time your kid comes, it does anything as a human. I don't. I don't know. I have a kid. Every time your kid comes and does anything as a minutes. If they throw a ball like this, it's the beautiful thing you've ever seen. Like, you don't understand. Like your girlfriend, you love her and infatuated at first. Then you guys get used to each other a little bit. And then in bickering, your kid, even when she gets in trouble at school, you're like, hi, look at her getting tried. That's my girl. I love this girl.

Because before, you know, we have children, you're like, you love your girlfriend, you love your dog, you love pizza, you love ice cream. Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter what it was. Okay, because all of it can bind Does it come close to the love you have for your child? At all, dude, I sometimes want to cry looking at her. I do that all the time. Dude, it's all the time. It's incredible, bro, and I could have missed it.

And when you said that, it just made me really in great gratitude because I could have made it. I don't ever look, think back to them. I don't ever want you to forget, though, okay, what you did. You've clearly forgiven yourself for it. And it's cool. Nobody needs to beat themselves up over anything in the past.

Yeah. But to keep that in your mind and say, that's who I was, that's what I did, and never again. I have to remember it. You have to, him. Yeah. And four months later, though, I woke up just empty one day. No one wanted to lend me no money. I had nothing.

I had just negative seven to ten grand in my bank accounts. And they wouldn't let me go more, no more negative. I was withdrawing. And I looked in the mirror and I was like, you know what? a treatment center might have subbox and I could get feel better. But I don't have insurance or money. And I called my manager at the time, or he stole my manager. And I was like, hey, I think I'm ready to go to treatment.

And he was like, he was really happy. And I was annoying too. I was like, okay, bro. So he made a bunch of calls. And yeah, and I went to a treatment center and my life started changing from there on. How long you sober now? Five years. Well, how's your life blown up?

Well, everything got better. I got my daughter back at a year sober. I got to do a lot of work to do that. I wasn't allowed to see her that much, only like visitations. Because I wasn't drug testing or nothing. I was still on drugs for those first former. Right. Sure.

You know, I got to sign a bunch of other producers. You know, my music career didn't fully blow up after. Hold on. Hold on. Because it's, that's, I just read that you have like 5 billion And downloads or streams? Streams. Right? A lot of that was from my past records I had made in addiction.

And, you know, that's what I, like, little peep had passed away. And a lot of those songs blew up after his passing. And that happened. He passed away while I was using fentanyl, too. He passed away due to a fentanyl overdose, a laced pill. He wasn't trying. I was doing fentanyl knowingly. He wasn't trying to do it knowingly.

And I think a lot of people, most of people that are dying from fentanylough, Fentina aren't doing fentanyl. Right. No, no, no. The people that are doing the fentanyl have acquired a tolerance, and they've learned how not to die. Right. Okay.

Now, they're not always successful. Okay. But the people that are getting the, the people that are buying cocaine and it's laced with fentanyl, they're dying. And they're dying because they're getting something that they haven't bargained for. They don't have any tolerance for it.

They don't, right? And the same thing's happening with the press perks. Oh, yeah. You think you're getting a perk, okay? And one of it could be a little stronger, you know, than you all. Right. Even if they're doing those.

No, baby, they're all different. Yeah. They're all different. Because you got a guy in a, in a hazmat suit. That's crazy. Stirring it up in a big vat like this. And so, and then they pour them into pill molds. Well, that's not very scientific.

That means you're going to die at some point, okay? It's not if, it's when. Yeah. So that's all it is. But what you're telling me is a big part of it happened before you got sober. Yeah. It was kind of a backhanded accident, if you will, because a guy, little peep, he passed away.

And when he passed away, his streams went up, right? And that, you know, was a thing. But that's unlucky. I mean, it may have been lucky in streams or whatever the hell that means. If he was alive, I think that he would have became a superstar and we would have made more streams than that. I think that we would have made some awesome music. Right. But you had to have done something.

I mean, look, I don't. want these guys thinking, yeah, I was great. And, you know, I was killing it and I was loaded. And then I got sober. Oh, and I got my daughter back. It's like that. Yeah. No, no, no, it keeps going. It keeps going. That's not. At first, those first few years, though, were, we're a bit stagnant with the music. Because you've got to think, and it was a 2009 out sober and COVID hit. Right. So I'm in the house. But in COVID hit, that's the perfect time to throw out. Yeah, but that's the thing when, and I'm sure there's people out there that do music and actually I know a lot of people that's got trying to go out sober and the transition from sobriety to trying to make or from drug use and then

sobriety and then trying to get back into music and your flowback is a difficult at first so it's not that it's no for well it wasn't difficult what it is yeah you're you're just need your head cleared up yeah you're working in a different baseline yeah the loaded you were loaded and that was the baseline yeah and that's what you were used to Right? And then you get sober and your head's just not clear. And it takes a while for it to clear up. But the second it clears up, it's 10 times better than it was. And you know what I think and I look back on it even now is that about my work ethic. Like even back then, it was a lot of luck. Like when I was getting loaded, it was a lot of that was like in the right place and the right moment. Because I wasn't putting a big work ethic. I was getting more loaded than I was making music. It was like just these wacky random beats. I was not making a lot of music. I wasn't putting a lot of time. I'm into it. I got lucky. Dude, I know kids that are doing it all day.

And I would be around those type of kids sometimes. I'm like, you guys are dorks, you know? I'd do it easily. I had this crazy ego. And so that work ethic, even though I got sober, I kind of kept that work ethic and belief. I thought like, so I would be sober. And I was still that lazy mother.

I was still lazy on drugs and still lazy. And I, a guy one time told me, he was like, I told him, he asked me, he's like, why aren't you making that much music? And I go, I go, I go like this. I don't like it. I don't like nothing about it. He's like, what don't you like about it? Nothing. I don't like putting the opening computer. I don't like looking at the software. I don't like sitting in a chair. I physically get tired when I sit in a chair. I want to put my head down to sleep. That's how I felt. And he goes, hey, I want you to do something. This is a random guy I knew. He does new music. He goes every day. I want you every day. I want you. Every day, once a day, go home and open the computer, but don't make a beat. Open it. Open the software. Sit there, look at it. Close the software. Boom, close it. And then do whatever you want each day. For as long, two weeks, whatever.

I love this fan. Go on. By like two weeks, not even, maybe a week of me doing that, I finally opened the program and I go, I don't listen to his rules. I go, I start making a beat a little bit and fucking with it. No expectation. I just started an idea. And I go, you know what? I'm not having, failing it, close it again.

And I started doing that every day touching it and enclosing it. And I'm already like two years sober at this time. And eventually I start making beats again a lot. And I start hanging out with other younger guys that make beats that are the new school guys. and they're putting me on to these new artists and they're giving me the new sauce like you gotta do it this way and that way and I'm just like this I start loving it again

and I start working and I put my focus back to what my focus was when I was when I was doing drugs was working with the guy that's coming up like the little pumps the famous dexes that were not mainstream yet but they had potential even Pete Tracy there were these small artists at the time they didn't have a success yet

I was like I'm just gonna do that same blueprint now and I started working with like these small artists some of them went somewhere Some of them didn't, but some of them were some big songs came out of it in sobriety. But I did notice something. And I don't know, this is a whole other discussion, but streaming used to getting paid more easily. And used to get paid for one beat way more. I remember I did this NBA young boy song and my advance was much bigger than the advances that they give for the same caliber artist now.

Because I've had songs from that same label now and it's cut in half. So inflation's going up, but producers are getting paid way less on advances. because so many of us. So that would discourage me in sobriety. It's not that it's because I got sober and things got bad. I just got a little discouraged at times. Because the climate or the environment always changes. And I made that mistake.

You don't make that mistake all the time. Are you kidding me? I came into this treatment thing. You're the best. You're the king. I walked in and just got my butt kicked. Really? Just, oh yeah.

Just worked. And then I got really scared, and I probably slept two hours to three hours a night for the next year. Mm-hmm. Until I figured it out. Yeah. But, yeah, our ego? Not our amygia. Definitely not.

Let's talk about who have you known who has died of fentanyl? Mm. well, little peep. I know my friend Kauai. The fentanyl? Yeah. That's how he died. Yeah.

Fentil overdose leased pill. My friend Kauai. And it's so hard to remember everyone because it's like there's so, I'm in recovery and there's so many guys dying. Right. People that we don't know. But I have these relationships with them just and they're dying. Because you hear of people like just if you're out or you're in. You don't go to the club anymore, do you?

I'll tell you what. I don't see overdoses in any. I go to countries with pump. I don't see overdoses any other country. But if you're in, if you're DJing somewhere in America, you'll see someone fall out 100%. 100%.

100% there's going to be a person. You know? No, it never happens in any other country I've ever been to. Not even like fights, really. Maybe a little bit, a couple of fights. maybe in Italy, like some European country, but Asia and all that, you'll never see some drunk fight or even a person out of their mind. It's only in America and mostly Western, even in Europe and stuff. But I'm not the sober where you're like, I don't want to trigger. I'm not triggered.

Right. I'm confident, too. That confidence I got when I was telling you earlier about when I first did some blow or whatever, that confidence was present sober, where I was like, what? What's up, I could talk to girls. I can do that now most of the time, not these L.A. girls. But I'm like, you know, I'm feeling. I'm like, what a beautiful. And I had to film it, bro. I put my phone in and I got, I had a post on Instagram.

I said, like, I said something about sobriety being amazing. How the hell did I end up here? Right. You know, I thought it was all over. I got sober and I said the fun's over. I, it's over. And I didn't know what was not to happen the most beautiful life to ever. To be this dad, to see countries, to love people, to not be angry all the time.

You know what I'm saying? And I was like, there's no way. You couldn't, and you couldn't sell me on this before. I would have said, there's no way that will happen to me. So I'm just trying to figure my way through this thing, right? I mean, I've never seen a podcast. It's not sure. I saw my buddy Chris Bell on a podcast with Joe Rogan.

I saw that for 10 minutes. But really, that's the only podcast I've ever seen and I've never listened to one. So I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. And I'm just trying to figure it out as well. we go. And, you know, it's funny because one of my best friends looks at me and he goes, you suck. And I said, absolutely, but I'm going to do this until I get great at it. I love that. I need that. That's what you got. I got that. No, you got it inside of you. Absolutely. I got that. Yes, sir. And you got, you know where you got that? Where? You got that when you were following that guy over that job.

That's where you got it. You can't. You have it. You just need to access it. Yeah. See, that was a zone. That was no different than, you know, hitting four three-pointers in a row.

Yeah. You're in a zone. Mm-hmm. But then you got to lock into that zone every once in a while. Mm. Okay? It's hard to get there, but you can get there. Okay, we talk about that off air.

Hey, buddy, thanks for coming, man. I really appreciate it. It's been a great episode. where can people find you? At Kill Bighead on all platforms. Named the platforms. Instagram X, Twitter. That's all I use.

See you next Tuesday. Is that good enough? Oh, yeah.