We're Out of Time - Jenny Leone's Inspirational Journey to Healing from Sexual Trauma and Addiction

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

Join  @RichardTaiteOfficial  and cohost Jason LaChance for an eye-opening conversation with Jenny Leone. Jenny Leone is an inspiring individual who has overcome tremendous challenges in her life. From childhood trauma to addiction and working in the adult entertainment industry, Jenny has faced it all. However, through her journey of vulnerability and authenticity, she has found her path to recovery and personal growth. Jenny’s journey of overcoming addiction, including struggles with eating disorders, pills, and alcohol, led her to seek help and find purpose in helping others. She obtained a degree in drug and alcohol studies and worked her way up in the treatment industry. Today, Jenny is an advocate for recovery, using her Instagram platform to connect with individuals on their sobriety journey. Her long-term vision is to open a treatment center, JSL Recovery, to provide free services to those who can’t afford it. For all things Richard Taite, the We're Out Of Time podcast, and Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa: https://linktr.ee/richardtaite For more on Jenny Leone: https://www.instagram.com/jennys_sober_lifestyle_/ Key moments from this conversation with Jenny Leone, Richard Taite & Jason LaChance. Intro 00:00 What role did Jenny's childhood play in her later struggles with addiction? 01:07 At what age did Jenny come forward that she was being sexually abused by her brother? 03:36 How did the reality show Pretty Wild come about, when did substances enter Alexis' life and how did her mom play a role? 05:27 How did Jenny's parents enabling the actions of her brother lead to her leaving Canada at a very young age? 09:50 What is the main reason Jenny continues to share her story of childhood trauma? 14:30 How did Jenny's continual spiral in addiction and toxic relationships lead her into the adult entertainment industry? 18:40 How has Jenny's addiction recovery been not only the hardest thing she has ever done but also the most rewarding gift of her life? 25:00 How did Jenny overcome the pain detox from being addicted to anxiety and panic disorder medication for over 15 years? 30:40 Richard closes with words of encouragement on why we must share our stories of recovery and hope to inspire others to face their issues and let them know that they're not alone. 37:21

I always say, like, the root of addiction comes to trauma. I would go from one crazy situation to the next because all I'd known my whole life was chaos. Finally come forward and I finally say something and I'm not believed. So what did I do? I just, like, closed down, you know? Your father wouldn't believe you? I was somewhat detached from reality. I had these different characters I played in this, like, double life within myself as a young girl because that's how I coped.

And I've known so many people that have died because of this. You just, you cannot use it recreationally. This is We're Out of Time podcast. Sitting to my right, the man of revolutionized addiction recovery and treatment. Richard Tate, I'm Jason LaChance, a certified addiction recovery coach, and our guest, the lovely Jenny Leon. Good to see you again, my friend. Yeah, good to see you too.

So I've known you for a few years, but we've never really talked our journey. Like, I don't even know your addiction story or anything. We've just talked like support. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So I don't know about you, Richard. I'm always curious because childhood. I mean, it seems so much. So I'm curious about what you were like as a little kid,

some of those circumstances, home life. Yeah, and that's where it all started for me. You know, I always say, like, the root of addiction comes from trauma. And that was my story. You know, I was raised in Vancouver, Canada, and normal family on the outside, right? Little town and lived right off.

the forest and mom, dad, you know, they were still together and seemed like the perfect life. You know, I was in sports, you know, I did the right thing, but there was a major secret behind closed doors. And that was that I was being sexually abused by my older brother, my whole empowered childhood. Real brother? Yeah, real brother under the same roof. So this went on from as far back Because I can remember. And then before then, like babysitters came forward. One of my cousins came forward with like inappropriate and touching, like way back to like two or three years old. And so that went on until I was 12 until I finally came forward.

And as you can imagine, it's just like the biggest, can I swear on here? It's okay. Like the biggest mind ever, right? Because at such a young age, you're learning, you know, what feelings are, what love is, what trust is, what support is, all these things. And the people you should be feeling it the most from is your family, you know, your parents and that trust. And so it was all twisted up in my head. It was like I was somewhat detached from reality. I had these like different characters I played in this like double life within myself as a young girl because that's how I coped, you know. It just became like

the way that my life was. And I was so brainwashed in it. the time because, you know, it got to the point where he had me thinking, like, if I ever told, then something would happen to my parents. This is your brother? Yeah. This is my brother. Something would happen to them. And so it just, like, became this total mind.

And so, um... How much older was your brother than you? He was only like five years older. So something was happening to him, obviously, which is what I've come to, like, think about and learn. Did you figure that out? Was he sexually abused, too? That's never come out that.

the truth. I just in my mind, unless he's just completely evil, have to believe that somebody did something to him. Do you speak to him today? No. No, I don't. So when I was 12, I finally came forward. I told my best girlfriend that I grew up with and I told her and she was like, you got to tell your parents. And so I sat them down. I told them my dad like gnarly Italian, you know, so he didn't want to believe it. You know, he was the son, the apple of his eye, you know, and I was like this troubled kid for obvious reasons, right? And so they didn't want to believe it. And so, you know, I've held it in for all those years, right? I finally come forward and I finally say something and I'm not believed. So what did I do? I just like closed down, you know? Your father didn't believe you?

They didn't believe me. Your mother didn't believe me. They didn't believe me. And it kept happening. Well, then I told my best friend and she was like that you need to go to the police. And so I remember one night I just turned 13, I think at this time. And I ran. I remember it was like dark, rainy. And I ran all the way in this little town to the police station. And I sat down with the police and I said, I have to tell you what's been happening. And I told them. And so they went, he got arrested. They took me in for a bunch of of exams and things like that, which it was proven without a doubt. These things had been happening, obviously. We don't need to go into detail, but, you know, and then my parents were actually questioned because there was, and this was ever proved, but there was a lot of talk, like maybe they just turned a blind eye or, you know, were they involved and this and that, which I don't like to go there. You know, I've done a lot of work on myself and I don't like to go there, but there's still always those little questions in the back of my head, like, how didn't they know?

Do you talk to your parents? So my dad has passed, but I... Did you make... Did you have a relationship with your dad before he passed? So I despised my father, despised him because of all of this, right? Because he disowned me. He was like, I'm disowning you, you know, when I went to the police. He just owned you for being raped?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. He's out of it. And so I didn't have a relationship with him. And then it's interesting because now that he's passed and now that I've been sober for quite some time, I understand he had his own addictions. He was a sex addict for sure because of the things he was doing to my mom. I don't even have any ear for this. Sorry. Yeah. I don't, no, no, no. Let's stop. Okay.

This is bullshit. Okay. I don't give up what he was doing. Oh, it didn't justify it. It didn't justify it. You're not going to ever. put this on you. Oh, no, no, no, that. Okay. Ever. No, no, no, no. I just have a better understanding of how sick he was, right? Right. And so my mom... Which doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, but, you know,

through the work... It doesn't even need to be said. I'm the father of a daughter. It doesn't even need to be said. It doesn't matter what his issue was. Yeah. His little girl came up to him and told him something and he, instead of dealing with it, his way of dealing with it was to disown you.

Okay. Sorry. Yeah, which was completely. And so, you know, that just obviously just threw me into a life of addiction immediately. Because... What about your mother? So my mom, my mom was always the peacekeeper of the family. And so...

I interrupted you when you were talking about... Her father. Yeah, my father. Hey, do you remember where you were? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was talking that, you know, he's a sex addict. And so my mom stayed with him through all that. Just to give you an idea, my dad was 30. My mom was 14. She was hitchhiking. He was a married man with a son, a different stepson of mine, and he picked her up and like they'd been together ever since kind of thing. So it just kind of shows you, you know, the type of person my mom was. So my mom, you know, just wanted to just make everything okay. It wasn't okay, but she was the only person left in my life, you know, So I forgave her, you know. She's still alive. She's still alive. You have a relationship. And I have a very strong relationship with her today. You know, we've been through a lot.

She's sorry. She is unbelievably sorry. And if she could go back and change things, she would. She's tormented by it, you know. So I'm tormented by it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. So at that point, here I am. I'm now 13. and you know this is come out. I'm being disowned. I have a boyfriend that's like 18. And, you know, he's this drug dealer. And I go with him and I'm living in and out of like houses and stuff that he has that or grow operations in Vancouver because that's what everyone did back then. And it was just up because they didn't want to kick him out of the house. And so, because he went away for just a little bit, but then he got out. And it was a thing where like they would let him come back around. And, and obviously, I wasn't okay with any of that. So I was completely numbing myself. You know, I was a lot of psychedelics back then, you know, smoking a lot of weed, drinking all the time, just anything I could to like numb myself. Of course I was putting a lot of therapy, but I was a rebellious teenager now that like didn't want to think about and talk about my feelings. I was like the world. I can't trust anybody.

I can't like everything is just a mess. And so that went on through my teen years. And then at 18, he got off probation. When I was 18, my brother. Your brother. He got off probation. Was he in jail? For a short period of time. How long? I don't even remember.

It was like a short period of time. He went to jail. He was, well, it was like Juvie. So he was, I was, I was, like 17. That's why he. Yeah. Yeah. And so he started coming back around

and I saw him one time, one time. And we crossed paths at my parents' house and I would always say them, just don't let them come here when I'm here. Like, just don't, like, that's all I'll ask, you know, and they just could not make that happen. So we ran into each other. And I was obviously very mean, you know,

because I was like, fuck you. And I'll never forget it. He just looked at me and he was like, what the fuck you want, Jen? You want me just get on my hands and knees and beg for your forgiveness? And I was like, I don't even want that. And I've never seen him or spoke to him since.

And at that point... Where do you go at 17? Where did he go? They put him up in an apartment. Yeah. They put him up in an apartment. So then I started looking for ways to like leave the country. I'm like, I got to get out of here.

I got to like completely start my life over. I can't stay here. I'm going to kill him or one of my boyfriends is going to kill him like for real. And so I started modeling and acting at a young age. And then I started booking stuff down here in California. And so at 19, I had booked a job called Battle Dome, which was like American Ladnihires. Yeah, it was Sony. And I left and I never went back.

I left with a suitcase in my hand, $3,000 worth of traveler's checks, came down here, married an American, twice my age, who was a celebrity photographer, just into a horrible next bad decision. Right. And I was just like off and running now in Hollywood. Howells were you when you got married? 19 to this American. He was like 49, 45. His name was Scott Delamo. He's the celebrity photographer. That turned out to be a good deal for you. I mean, very teferrarily. At the time, it felt like going from the frying panning to the fire. Yeah. But you got your citizenship. Well, this is what happened. So I marry this guy thinking that I'm going to be able to just do it for a green card and whatever. And I'm legal now so I can say whatever I want to say. But he turned out to be a complete psycho. sure obviously because why wouldn't he because of what a day is I picked like 40 she was 99 and 19

oh shit it's only 30 years difference so why are you whining about it yeah so all bad right and so he just as soon as we were married it was like I was his possession of course and um and so I ended up having to fly my mom down from Canada to help me escape from him like this is people like half the time don't believe me. And I'm like, here, let me pull up this like bin of stuff. And you can, because it's so insane. It's like a movie, right? And so he just got completely just possessive of me. I had to run. So he went away on a business trip for his photography. I flew my mom down, got me out of the house. And I was living in and out of hotels for like six months. And he was trying to track me down. And I had an attorney, I'm immigration attorney and then a

regular attorney. I filed a restraining order. I got a, I got granted a permanent five-year restraining order against this guy. This guy was so crazy that like my lawyer went over there and he literally had like a shrine set up with me and he had a gun. He's like, I'm going to find her. I'm going to kill her. And so I was like trying to get away from this guy forever. And then finally I got away from him. You know, it took a long time. But he kept reporting me to immigration. And he was making up these crazy tales that I was like trafficking humans, you know, all the, all trafficking drugs. I had the FBI show up my door when I was living in Venice. And they thought he had told them that I was affiliated with Jesse James Hollywood. Right. You remember that guy back in the day?

Nope. Serial killer. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm not, I'm not like up on my serial. He was like this real famous guy out here, whatever. And anyways, I had no like affiliation with any of these people. And so he was just doing chaotic stuff. It was just crazy. But that's just what I started doing. Like I was go from one crazy situation to the next because all I'd known my whole life was chaos. That was without question. One of the worst things I've ever heard. And not the worst.

But certainly in the top 1%. And I'm so sorry for you. Thank you. How old is you now? 45. 45? I'm 45 too, so there you go. Oh, you look good for 45.

You did it. And I can see how people would go insane. I get it. Okay? Yeah, so I was just... You had a bad run. Yeah. And it continued because of the choices I made,

and that's why I tell this story to hopefully, you know, help other people. Well, give me the rest of it. Yeah. Well, let me stop. And I think that's important. for people to understand you say, you know, the choices you made and you're taking onus of it now. But when we're in that, as you may or may not know, I underwent sexual abuse too at five years old.

So when we get in that, like subconscious is taken over. Yeah, exactly. So like, how do people probably like, goodness, how do you go from one shitty relationship and interaction to another? It's like we're not even conscious of it. Yeah. This becomes what we know as our baseline of normity. Absolutely. And anything healthy is like, what do I want?

Whoa, I don't want that. Can't trust that. Something wrong with you. You know, I couldn't trust people that were nice to me, but I thought I could trust people that treated me poorly. Do you still have a little bit of that? I don't. No, no.

I've done a lot of work on myself, a lot of work. But I was that way for many, many years. And so for me, I was so, like, over-sexualized and just in this, like, chaotic world that my decisions. Can I just stop you there? You were over sexualized because you were with guys. Okay, that were 30 years older than you. Yeah. Okay. You were over sexualized because you were raped. That's what I mean. Right. Yeah. You're over sexualized, not because you had a healthy sexuality. No, no, no, no. Exactly. I didn't choose that, you know, but that's what I became for a while. And so, you know, I was modeling, I was acting. I was doing the whole thing. I was like booking like

mainstream shows and movies. And I probably could have made it if I had of, if I had of like kept going, you know, but money talks. And, you know, I started being off for other things like Playboy or Pennhouse or Hustler. And so I was a huge model like back in the day. Did you do Playboy? Yeah, I did all those things. Oh, that's great. And so, but it led down a very dark path because it went from like shooting magazine covers. Like one time I was on like 17 covers. I remember looking at, down and venture and they got like that huge newsstand and I was like wow I'm on like every cover right now humanly possible I had my AKA that's who I was and um it's just because I was used to living this lifestyle it was seemed very normal for me to just take off my clothes and do this stuff right

not realizing like that's not normal and I used to do you go into porn well this is what happened so you know I went from just can we get to the good stuff already we're going to get to the good stuff yeah we're going to get to the good stuff that's exactly where it let you know and And so Jenna Jameson was like one of my best friends back then. And so she had called me out to her house. And she had signed a contract with Playboy to start Club Jenna, which is like, you know, a talent group of girls all under contract. Right. It was a label called Club Jenna.

Like a vivid. Like a vivid, but better. But I was the only girl that was ever contracted as just Girl Girl. And so that was my deal. I just was like the only Girl Girl Star out there. And that's why I blew up so huge in a short period. of time. So, but yeah, so, you know, here I am in this lifestyle. I'm running around Hollywood. I'm making ridiculous money. You know, I'm under contract and just making horrible decisions. And all the

while, totally in my addiction. Like, nobody knew either. Like, everybody did stuff, but I didn't hang out with, like, heroin addicts and meth. You people were like, it's, I had a house. I had nice cars. I had nice things, you know, was, but here I am, no matter. or what, like popping on average, like 50 pills a day. Like my, it was Xanax, oxies or Norco, um, Adderall, you know, and that was like my cocktail. And I would just do it up all day long. And it's funny because when you're shooting scenes, you know, you sign these waivers, like you're in sound body in mind. Well, I never was in sound body of mind. Now when I look back at my stuff, I'm like, holy shit, you know, like you can just tell just by looking at me. But anyways, yeah,

so I ran in that lifestyle for like 10, 15 years in my addiction, doing. that. Tell me about the porn. Yeah. So, you know, I was contracted like seven features a year. I was up for awards, things like that. Avian. Avian. Yeah. And I would like go on set and it was like when I look back on it now because I'm so like far away from that. It was just like these out of body experiences for me. You know, like. Okay. Let's move along. Okay. Yeah. There's no sense of reality because you get into this world that's like everything's just okay. You know, it's like it's a sick, twisted place. It is.

Yeah, I was on the cover of AVN and that used to shoot with them all the time. But it was nuts. And so that was my love. What was your name? No, I'm not going to watch it. Jesse Capelli. Jesse. Mm-hmm, Capelli.

Capelli. Look up, Jesse. I'm just, all right. I think it's important to what you shared there about the disassociation. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I've often, you know, like, underwent what I did. and my father struggled with sex addiction was heavily sexually abused, rape, molested all that.

And pornography was prevalent in my home. And that was the thing that I had to deal with. And so I've always been very curious about that disassociation because I've heard others who have left the industry, turned their life around in a way. So the disassociation. Like how in reflection, like looking at that. Because for the normal person here, oh, I worked with so-and-so. Yeah.

It's not a normal working activity, you know what I'm saying? So it's interesting that you coupled that with the disassociation, that awareness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just being on a lot of drugs just makes it easy to do that. You know what I mean? And the hardest thing, the biggest mind was trying to quit because that is an addiction all in itself, that lifestyle, the money, you know, all of it. And Jessica Pelley was who I was. It's the only person I was out here in California for the most part, right?

And so what I wanted to walk away, and the reason I wanted to walk away was because in 2007, I was raped by one of the top label executives. And this happened in Las Vegas. It was at AVN. I made the mistake. I was at a bodyguard with me with Club Jenna. And I made the mistake of going up to the room with this guy. He was going to call me my car. And we were all gambling down below the hard rock.

And we went up there. And I went to use the bathroom. He said, I'll call you your car. When I came back out, my bodyguard was gone. And he looked at me and he was like, now you're going to fucking get it. And then that went on for three and a half hours. And his name is Jay Gardena and he can go to himself. So that happens and I went to the emergency room.

I went to the emergency room, right? They did like the whole rape kit. Here's the craziest part when you're a porn star drug addicts, okay? It's your fault. I had pills, right, narcotics in my system, alcohol. haul in my system. I have a couple feature films that are like Jesse likes pain or whatever. Here he is this big executive. And so he was like, this was consensual. Like, she likes this and she's on drugs. And he had done this to so many women. So I, I retained Gloria Allred and her team,

and I sued Playboy. And it didn't go well because, first of all, I'm not sober. Right. And it went on for like two years of mediating and all sorts of stuff. And I was literally losing my mind. And I'll never forget, I was sitting in Gloria Allred's office. And I was talking about it. And I had no emotion. Like I have a really hard time still this day, like crying or showing emotion just because of my life. And she was like, you need to like show this more what you went through. Like it's a hard sell because you're just like stoic. And like, that's how I've survived, you know? And so. I ended up walking away from it after like two years because I was literally going to kill myself. Like it was the most god-awful experience, but that got me out of it.

And then I kept like going back little by little. And that's where the tattoos come into play because while under contract, you can't get tattoos, things like that. You know, I got to look a certain way. And I thought, okay, well, if I just start like blasting myself with tattoos, they're going to throw you out. They won't hire me. And one of the deals was they kept me on contract and kept paying me for like four. more years after that, if that all happened. So it was like a good amount of money. But I didn't have to do anything. It was like, this is, we're sorry kind of thing, you know. And so I just started getting like

blasted. But then I started getting hired for like inked magazine and like different things. I'm like, and so that and these, this was like on Xanax. And I guess I don't remember any of this, but I guess I had a lot of cash, walked into like tattoo shop after tattoo shop. They were saying no, finally said, yeah, we'll do it. And I guess it was like, this is a Buddhist home. and you anarchy. And I guess I was like, I want the good and bad because that's my life.

Yeah, you know? And I woke up the next morning and I thought somebody had literally like drawn on my hands, you know, just for that first second. I was like, holy shit, that I tattooed my hands. But yeah.

So. I've never seen that before. Have you out? Tattooed hands? Yeah. I mean, especially on a girl. It's pretty rare. On a girl, yes.

Yeah. So, yeah, it was really hard to get out of it. But I eventually did. You're not ever going to do the facial tattoos. Are you? No, I'm done. Yeah, yeah. If I could take it back, I would take back a lot of them. Oh, no way. This is so cool. I don't like the stars. I think it looks pretty ghetto. Let me see the stars. Little things. Just stupid mistakes. Like the sleeves are nice and stuff. But these are good. But yeah, when I got out, it was so crazy. And this is what I like to help people with. It's like, all I knew was Jesse Capelli in that life. And here I am now trying to go into a totally different life, Jesse Capelli. And now I'm trying to like become a normal member of society and it's like, who the am I? And then when you get sober,

you're like, okay, now I'm not this person, I'm sober, who the am I? What am I going to do with my life? And that experience of like humbling yourself when you don't get out of bed unless you're making a certain amount of money to humbling yourself to become a

normal member of society was one of the hardest things I ever did. I can imagine because you're going from Canada down here at 19, you never had any traditional source of income. No, I'd never worked a normal job. Yeah. Never.

Like, it was just, you know, that was my life. And so I, while I was in treatment, I just had this epiphany. This is what you need to do. If there's any value, any reason for your life that all this has happened to you, you need to, like, help people. And so I enrolled in school and went through, like, drug and alcohol studies and became an intern. Nine months later. An intern for what?

To be a case manager at a treat. Center, like nine years ago almost. And, um, you know, like a CADAC? Yeah. So I, but I was just an intern. So I was at first I was making nothing. Right. And then I was making $16 an hour. Okay, that sucks. Yeah. And but that's where it started. And I worked my way up the ladder and humbled myself. And then where'd you go to work? And then I just worked at a few different centers doing case management. Then I realized like that's not my gem. It's not for me. So I got into the business side of it, you know, and started doing that, just building relationships, everything you've seen me do, built a podcast that was very successful for a treatment center for several years,

launched my own podcast. You still have a podcast? It's on a hiatus right now just because of the treatment center trying to focus on that. Let's talk about that because you went from a horrible situation and essentially a train wreck. Yeah. Okay. And now you have your own treatment center. Yeah. Okay.

Now, it's completely different than Carrera, right? Carrera is where all celebrities go to treatment. It's got a world-class spot in the center. It's got the best cuisine. It's got everything. It's one of one. You can even bring your dog. Mm-hmm.

Okay. talk to me about your center and who the people are that you cater to and the city that you're in. So that way, when people call the show or they reach out to me and they live in your area, we can refer them. I appreciate that. Yeah, it's in South Orange County, so Mission Viejo, about 15, 20 minutes off the beach. people that come to my center are just everyday people that are trying to get their lives back on track. It could be, you know, a husband that has lost everything due to his drinking and his wife has given him an ultimatum and he went to detox. That's the heat off. I got to stop you for a second.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Okay. There's really only two types of people that come to treatment. I'm not talking about the 65-year-old who gets into a car accident and his back problem. he's on opiates for 30 days and then he needs a two-week detox. I'm not talking about that guy. Okay, I'm talking about there's only two buckets, really, people that want to get well and the people that want to get the heat off.

Yeah. Is that true? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, there's the 18 to 25s, like failure to launch and those, you know, their parents or whatever, or, you know, you see the ones that have been to like go to treatment centers. You need to explain that to the 18 to 25-year-olds. The failure to launch.

failure to launch. These are kids pretty much like how I would have been, probably if I went to treatment back at that age, you know, that have had like really bad childhoods. They haven't launched in their life. Like they haven't matured. They haven't taken on any responsibility. You know, they've gotten in a lot of trouble at a young age. Maybe they've been going to Juvie. They've dropped out of school. They're getting into petty crime. You know, they're experimenting with drugs. Their parents are mad at them. They've kicked them out. You're living on the street maybe. Like they're not launching awesome. Listen to that. Will you? That was all. You do. have a podcast.

I was just, yeah. All right. But that's who they are. You know what I mean? And they come in and it's funny watching them come in because that criteria, they'll come in and they like have a tantrum for like two weeks. They're pissed.

They're having tantrums. They don't, you're like, you know, I don't want to eat this. And I'm like, you were just shooting freaking dope out of the bathroom toilet. And now you don't want to eat a Pop-Tart.

You know? They're like, I need organic this. I need that. I'm just like, seriously, you guys? Like,

let's bring it down a few notches, you know, but that's who they are. And then after those couple weeks, they, you know, chill out a little bit and they realize I'm there to help them. Are you at the center working? I am. Yeah. What do you do there? I do the admissions. I do business development. I do all the marketing. I do all the backhand stuff. I'm HR. I lead the operations team. I have a clinical director now. So he leads the clinical team. I run groups sometimes. I step in, you know, I'm in the trenches. I like being in the trenches. Like that's where I feel the passion and purpose. Like I tell everybody, it's one thing to get sober. That's great. great, right? But unless you, like, truly find your passion and purpose and what, like, sets your soul on a fire, you're going to be freaking miserable. You have to find much more than that. You're going to die. You cannot stay sober unless you replace what you held as most valuable with something of equal or greater value. Exactly. That is a, that is a given. And when you tell people that in the industry, they look at you all side-eyed. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, okay, I get it.

You can't help anybody. Next. Yeah, but it's the truth. Of course, it's the truth. Of course it's the People don't want to hear that. I think you said the word to in there that matters most. Let me get your take on this when people ask me, I don't know what my purpose is if I might celebrate recovery or whatever else it is. And I go, well, you can't find until you know what you value. Exactly. What did you value before?

What do you value now? Yeah, exactly. And when you talk to people like that, they don't even know what the hell you're talking about, you're really surprising. So you have to say something like you have to replace the word value with. What do you love? Yeah. What do you care about?

True. Good point. I was so fried when I first got sober from the Xanax. I was doing 17 milligrams a day, which is just insane. I'd have a girl that would come read out of the big book, you know, once a week to me. And we would have to highlight and I have to read it out loud line by line. And I could just get through a few lines. And that would be it, you know, because it was just so bad.

What was the, what was the detox like? It was insane. I thought I was going to die. It was the most horrific thing I've ever experienced. because when you've taken Xanax for like 15 years, because I started at like 0.5, right? And then I'm up to that. It's in every cellular tissue, muscle, everything.

And I had this like ringing this, like, you know, when the TV goes like back in the day, that was my brain for like six months. Right. And this, there's no, the cloud will not lift. It was insane. You can't even speak. Yeah, it was insane.

I was like mush. But eventually I came out of it. But I have gaps like years at a time where I'm like, what happens? Like foggy. And then you think it happened, but you're not certain it happened. And then, you know, you think of it and it just keeps popping back in your head these things. And you're not certain whether or not they happen or not. You literally, I have to call my friends and say, is this a thing?

Did this happen? I mean, to this day, I still call. my friends. And they go, remember when that, that, dot, and I go, no, tell me. And I still call my friends for stories about me. Well, that's why I keep a lot of, like, records of stuff, you know, because I'm like, I knew I knew I was right. There's certain things that I remember without a doubt. There's also a lot of stuff from my childhood just to protect myself. You know, I blocked it out of my memory. But there's certain events I definitely remember, but there's a lot of fog in there, too. Of course. Well, and I think it's important to share too. Like you said, it was like a good six months for you. I mean,

and I think that's a thing that people just so don't understand, especially sometimes the families of a loved one going through. Like they had 28 days. Why aren't they back out back at school, getting their master's degree or conquering the work? Like, takes a good year. Yeah, how long, not only to get that out of your system, out of your tissue, but let alone for this to come back, our minds to come back. Yep. Are chemicals to start firing normal. Like, good luck getting your dopamine and your endorphins and their serotonics.

Like, like, like backfiring all day long. Yeah. You can't explain this stuff to people that haven't gone through it. I mean, you've got your own center now and you get people in the door. I mean, how many times are you talking to these parents talking about their kids and you just look at it and go? Problems you. Yeah, exactly. Almost all the time.

Almost all the time. Yeah. Okay. Literally. Yeah. I mean, serious. Yeah. It's just, it's so bizarre, man.

It's like, hey, dude, you cause this. Mm-hmm. Okay? You break it, you fix it. Okay? This is how you do it. Yeah. Right?

And they just, man, people are so out of their minds. What I want to talk about is the fentanyl crisis because it's killing everybody. Yeah, it is. And I want to know what your experience, what that is. and if you know anybody. Oh, yeah. This is a hot topic for me. I've had several people pass.

I mean, at least one person every few weeks to a month. Like the way I like to look at is, you know, 300 people a day die from what we like to call fentanyl poisoning now because this is poisoning. And you imagine a plane going down every day. There'd be, it would be a huge thing that the government people would be, you know, dealing with and they're not. And like I say, you cannot use drugs recreationally anymore. How it was back in the day, it is not like that anymore. You know, the housewife that's going out with her girlfriends on a Friday night to have a glass of wine and go to the bar and take someone's annex to, you know, feel a little Lucy, Usy, whatever. You can't do that anymore.

If she got it from the pharmacy. If you get it straight from the pharmacy, but a lot of people don't do that. And I've known so many people that have died because of this. You just, you cannot use it recreationally unless it's right from your pharmacy. Do you know what the problem with that is? And we had somebody on the other day telling me this. You weren't here. He was like, no, I never get it on the street.

I said, but you just said you got a pill from your friend. Oh, yeah, but she didn't get it on the street. How do you know? Yeah, exactly. This is your life. Yeah. It's Russian roulette. And sooner or later, it's going to come knocking at your door.

That's right. Whether it's you or a loved one, it's affecting all of us. I see it all the time. And I'm, like, enraged. by it. It's a weapon of mass destruction. Their families will never be the same. Never be the same. One of my girlfriends just lost her 14-year-old daughter. Shut up. And I was, I have a 15-year-old daughter. I have the text messages. The girl I was texting her for months trying to help her. And she, the messages are just so heartbreaking.

Because she's like, Jenny, I've got three days. I'm doing so good. You know, she wanted it so bad. And she died in her room. And her mom found her. They just had her memorial this last weekend. She was 14 years old. So those ones just... I can't stand her parents. I just can't stand her parents. How do you have a 14-year-old girl, Jason? How do you have it and not know what this kid's doing?

And be so preoccupied, so narcissistic, so self-involved that you don't know what your 14-year-old daughter's doing? You've got to be up in their business. parent your friends or your kids. I don't talk about my son much because out of respect for him. He likes to be kept out of things. But I have a 16-year-old son, you know, and he's growing up with me through all of this, you know.

And so he, thank God, knows the dangers out there, you know. Do you live with him? He lives with me full time, yeah. Not his father. No. That's my ex-husband. We never talked about him, but that's a whole other show. Uh-huh.

Right, lady. This has been awesome. Yeah. See, I'm not swearing. more. Easest way people want to find you, connect with you, Instagram. Yep. We can go to Jenny's Sober Lifestyle or I can throw out my number as well.

It's 949-774. It's a number just for this. Oh, gosh. Yeah. 949-774-5185. Thank you so much for coming today. Thank you. Appreciate it.

This was a beautiful talk. And I love your vulnerability. I think it's going to help. lot of people and it's going to get rid of the shame because there are a lot of women that have gone through what you've gone through and they think it's a bad deal. Yeah. Give you a favor, will you? Yeah.

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