We're Out of Time - Stephan Speaks: Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person, and How to Stop

Episode Date: August 25, 2026

Relationship coach Stephan Speaks joins Richard Taite to explain why healing, not chemistry, is what makes love last, and why so many of us keep choosing the wrong partner.Stephan Speaks is a bestselling author, certified relationship coach, and speaker whose advice reaches millions through his videos, coaching, and his book The Man God Has for You.In this episode: why unhealed pain drives bad partner choices, why chemistry can blind you to red flags instead of warning you about them, why women need to feel safe before they can fully show up in a relationship, and why couples who never define their roles set themselves up for conflict down the road. Plus, what's really driving the decline in marriage today, and why understanding the root of a behavior matters more than demanding someone change.Before the interview, Richard shares an update on his partnership with the CDC Foundation's COPE (Community Overdose Prevention Efforts) campaign, matching every donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000. Learn more or give at cdcfoundation.org/cope.Find Stephan Speaks: YouTube, Facebook and Instagram @StephanSpeaks, or shop at stephanspeakshop.comExplore more about Richard Taite, We're Out of Time, and Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa: https://linktr.ee/richardtaiteNew episodes every Tuesday. Follow the show so you never miss one.

Because so many people are not healed themselves, consciously or subconsciously, they give a pass to other individuals for their lack of healing, all right? As well as because they haven't healed, they can't as efficiently recognize those issues in others or see it for what it is. I always say when you're not healed,

you're looking at life through broken glasses. All right? So you cannot see as straight as you could had you gone through the healing process. If someone has a problem with substance use disorder, please call one call placement. That's 8888-8-8-3-1-1581. And if we can't help you, we'll make a referral to someone who can. Please, we're out of time.

One-call placement is affiliated with Carrera Treatment, Wellness, and Spa, and One Method Treatment Centers. Before we start the conversation today, I want to deliver a personal message. Every day, families across America lose some. when they love to an overdose. Many of those deaths are preventable when communities have the right education, resources, and support. That's why I've partnered with the CDC Foundation through their COPE, Community Overdose Prevention Efforts Campaign, and committed to matching every donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000. I've spent my life helping people recover from

addiction. But if we can get to the place of prevention first, this would help save so many more lives. I hope you'll join me in supporting the CDC Foundation's overdose prevention work at CDCFoundation.org slash cope. You can also visit the link below in the show notes to donate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Today's guest is one of the most influential voices in relationships today. known to millions as Stefan speaks. He is a best-selling author, certified relationship coach, and speaker whose advice reaches people around the world every day. Through his videos, coaching and best-selling book, The Man God Has for You, Stefan has helped countless people to better understand dating, communication, emotional healing, self-worth, and healthy relationships. He has become

one of the most trusted voices helping people navigate love relationships and personal growth stephan welcome man i am so grateful i've been watching your videos and they're beyond good what i like about it is you sit there and you give basic common sense information that people can apply in their lives and we would think it was basic, right? But for the masses, some of this is like a spiritual experience. Yeah. Right. They don't even, they're like, good to know, right?

And it's like when I was starting out on this, working with kids, and they were in the underground rap scene, right? And, you know, they're making all this money and they're spending it faster than they make it. and I was like giving them financial literacy and saying, no, no, no, no, this is how we're going to do it. Okay, this ain't going to last forever. Okay, let's take care of ourselves here. And, you know, that was kind of basic too. But for them, it was a God shot.

Yeah. Right? And some of them really took it in. And so it made me feel really good about it. So I know this makes you feel good about it because I talk about, you know, variety isn't enough. It's about building your best life, right? And you can't have a best life if you're not engaged with humanity. And we're hardwired to love, right? Each other. And so you need it. And that's your laying, man, and you're doing God's work. Thank you. You weren't always a

relationship expert, what first drew you into this work? So it was all God. I got my degree in management information system. So I was an IT guy. And even before then, I was an accounting major. So I was math. I was numbers. I was logic. I wasn't into any of this stuff. And though I was always someone that people came to for advice, I never viewed it as I would make this a career. It was really just going through a spiritual journey. And even before that, I was into real estate investment. I'm like 25 years old. I have 15 properties. I'm throwing parties. I'm living a completely different life. But God took me through this journey. And it wasn't like I knew I was going to be a relationship coach or speaker. I was just asking,

God, what do I do next? And the first step was writing a book. And then from a book, it went to a blog. And then from a blog, getting certified as a coach, and speaking. And I just kept asking, what's the next step? What's the next step? Kept doing it. And then here I am.

You know, it's great about that. You were an accountant and an IT guy. And those guys are typically socially not perfect. say they can't be they don't have the ability they're not orators yeah okay and you know the the message you convey is easily palatable to the masses and that's not typically the case so i love the fact that you that you talk about god i always um i the way i do it is i feel the pull yeah and when i feel the pull i go in that direction so i i just i love that after helping millions of people, what's the biggest lesson you've learned about relationships?

Ooh, the big, okay, I don't know if it's the biggest lesson, but one of the biggest lessons is that the one, I always say what comes to mind first. And what's coming to mind first is that people don't really know themselves. And what I think is a more accurate thing to say is people haven't really accepted themselves. I think a lot of people, they understand certain aspects about them, but society, family, friends, whatever, tells them you're not supposed to be that way, or that's not good, or whatever the case may be. And so they suppress those things or they fight against it,

and they try to fit their life into this box that doesn't work. And because they're not being true to themselves, they end up choosing a partner who doesn't fit into their life and who they really are. And they can keep it going initially. But I always say you can't suppress your true self forever. It's going to come out at some point. And when that true self comes out,

a lot of times it doesn't like the person you chose to be with. And now that's when everything starts to fall apart. But it all started with a lack of accepting who we are, what is important to us, what we need, and what kind of life we truly want to. to live. You know, my friends, when I start back in the day, when I started dating someone, they're like, did you show them your ass or are you just behaving right? Right. And I remember the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I met her like 20 years ago and I kissed her and it was so

I was so dizzy after it. I fell through a doorway. And she thought, and she thought it was was the coolest thing ever. And then for three weeks, I'm like, you like pancakes? She's like, yeah. So we drove to Solvane for pancakes, like two hours to get there, just so I could be in the car with her, right? And I planned everything perfectly for three weeks. And I had nothing left. It was over.

And the relationship ended three weeks later, right? Because she's, you know, we had self-esteem. And, you know, I wasn't. that guy yet. Yeah. That's so funny. You're so right. You're so right. You are right. All right. Why do so many people keep choosing the wrong partner? And I know you just touched on that, but you got to give me a little more. Yeah. So I'll go on a different direction with this one. People keep choosing the wrong partner because people don't heal from their past hurts and disappointments. And so people are choosing out of a protective mindset, not out of a flourishing mindset,

right? So it's like, okay, for example, men or women, you know, most people experience someone that they really try to give their heart to and things don't work out for whatever reason, right? And they get hurt. And now whether consciously or subconsciously, they tell themselves, okay, I'm not going to put myself in that position again. So for some people, that might, look like choosing someone who's less attractive. For someone else, that might be choosing someone who has a certain family dynamic or choosing someone they're not really in love with, but they like enough to want to be with, right? There's all these little controls they try to put in place all for the purpose of, I don't want to be hurt like I was before. But all those things

do is set them up for failure because they're choosing someone that they, again, don't truly aligned with, not truly into, and relationships more than ever need two people who are deeply into each other. There's so much distractions, there's so much more pulling us away from each other, that if you don't have that strong foundation of deeply being into each other, it's just not going to work. And it's definitely not going to work over a long period of time. That's so true. And I've never been in a relationship ever where one person didn't like or love the other person more. Okay. And how do you get to even? So you get to even one, like I said, you got to heal because you got to get past all this fear or release all that negative energy hurt disappointment that's causing you to,

again, navigate this dating space in this protective mode. It's almost like being a defensive driver versus an offensive driver. Defensive driver always waiting to get hit, all right? That's what caused you to drive a lot slower, not be as efficient. But the offensive driver understands, okay, I'm trying to get to my destination, but I'm still aware of danger when it comes, all right? You've got to be willing to really be vulnerable and give yourself fully. And by doing that, again, still keeping your eyes open to, all right, you know what, maybe this person isn't for me.

Maybe we don't want the same things. There are still foundational principles we have to check off to make sure that they are in place to have success. But love fully, give fully. Because in that, one, if I'm being honest here, we deep inside our spirit, our intuition, our gut, whatever you want to call it, tends to know when we've met that person that is like, this is the one, okay? Or at least we know they're at that level or potentially are. But again, it's our fears and our logic and our over-analization

that pulls us away from that. We got to learn to just embrace it. And then if it shows itself to not be good for us, all right, then let it go. But by embracing it fully, now it can be nurtured, now it can flourish, now it can become that amazing relationship. And when you speak to two people who are deeply in love for each other. So it's not about analyzing how the other person feels as much,

as much as it is first analyzing how do you feel. If you're not truly deeply in love with them, trust me. They're not deeply in love with you. They may be infatuated. They may have an unhealthy attachment. There's something else driving them. But I'm a firm believer that true love is a two-way experience. You can't have one feeling it.

and the others not. It just does not work that way. When you dive deeper into those situations, you find there's other things at play. So we start with you. Are you even in love? Genuinely, right? And again, that's part of knowing yourself

and understanding your own feelings about things, recognizing if you're operating off an attachment or truly a spiritual connection with this individual. And then from there, it's never even about, like when you find two people who are truly in love, No one can say that the other loves the other more. Because here's the amazing thing. When you're deepening in love,

you will always feel like I must love them more because you can only experience your feelings. You're not in their body. So there's always going to be things to make you question, okay, well, maybe they don't love me as much as I do because I know I'm just so into them. But both parties feel that way. And as long as both parties are showing up,

pouring into each other, and you are experiencing that connection, you're good to go. Best answer ever. All right. It was. Hey man, when it's not, I'll tell you. Okay?

This is it. You're on it. So I was watching a video before we got on and you were talking about women needing safety. That is their primary thing. Okay. And you're like, I'm going to paraphrase, these women don't unlock. they can't until they feel completely safe with their man.

And then they can give you, they can be their best selves back. Okay. Talk about that. So absolutely. Women need that safety. But I think when women hear me say that, and even when men hear me say that, that safety starts within them first. Because here's the tricky thing about safety.

if that woman has been hurt before and she has not healed, there's nothing a man can do that will completely make her feel safe. All right? And what's crazy is, or let me not use the word crazy. What's unfortunate is that if that man is doing everything right, he is missed a perfect. Let's say they've been dating for two, three months. But again, she's been hurt before.

She's been let down. She hasn't healed. In many cases, she will. start to think he's too good to be true. Something has to be wrong. So now it becomes even scarier for her to move forward with that guy. So a lot of women, this is why, and it happens to men too, you'll see women run from this amazing man and run to men who are beneath them,

not the quality that they need or deserve because it's more comfortable. It's almost like, and excuse my language, it feels safer when you're dealing with the asshole you know. But when you're dealing with this guy who's coming across so amazing, but your history has told you he must have an asshole somewhere in him. And I'm just waiting for the pin to drop. Now that makes you so nervous and you're waiting for something to happen and it drives a woman crazy.

So that's why it will always begin with, one, she has to create that safety within herself by healing, right? And by understanding that there is no, none of us are perfect. So no one is going to give you 100% safety, meaning if you be with someone long enough, they're going to make some mistakes. That's just life, okay? You have to be able to understand the difference between, there's a quote I always use, learn the difference between a man who isn't perfect and a man who isn't worth it. All right.

So some men, even if he's great, amazing loves you to death, he might do some stupid things. He probably will do some stupid things, all right? That's just the function of us being human beings and men. Do you know how I get through that? Go ahead. Being extremely soft, right? And you know about the energy and the delivery, right? So it's a connection.

It's soft with a combination of intellectual, intellectual, genuine curiosity about the other person. right and i have found the more space i give them to have to listen and actually talk because it usually goes the other way the guy gets nervous and he's like right it just and then you know um but when you get soft and you make that connection and you really want to know about that person, especially on the first date because first impressions are everything, I found that even women who you're exactly right came to the relationship with the trauma, right, of being hurt before and all that other stuff. I feel like it helps. Now, you're right, it's never going to be

perfect. But then it's about consistency over time, right? And eventually they lean into it. Is that your experience? Yes. And so that would be the other side of it to where, you know, the role the woman plays is she has to create it within herself through healing. And then the role the man plays is, as you stated, allowing her to express herself. Okay. Like one of the things that creates a lot of problems for women and relationships is that if they can't get their questions answered, if they can't get things off their chest, you put them in a situation that they now have to start over-analyzing and overthinking for themselves. And that leads to a lot of negative assumptions and her possibly freaking out, also her allowing someone else's input to now make her

think something very negative. Whereas if you just gave her the space to come to you, talk, open up, to her, you eliminate all of that negative outside noise and the potential for things to go left when it shouldn't, it doesn't need to, right? Now, of course, it's not just listening. It's also following up with corrective actions, right, and showing her that you're going to always be willing to make that effort to make things better and get things to a better place. But that is the role that the man can play in creating more of that safety for her. Now let's talk about roles. That was perfect. Great Sedway. Okay. I was watching one of your videos and I may have gotten it wrong. So I want you to pull me up if I did.

You said early on and I took that to be at the beginning to a man and a woman should talk about a man and a woman's role in a relationship so that you know what you're getting at the very beginning. Did I get that right? That's correct. I need you to explain that to me. Okay. So I think now more than ever, right, once upon a time, it was pretty standard what society viewed the man's role and the woman's role. Now there's a lot more freedom. There's a lot more options.

There's a lot of people being able to fully express who they really are. And so that's created a lot of different dynamics. So it's extremely important that as early as possible, we discuss how does each person view the other's role and their own role in a relationship? Because this will help us see, are we truly a good fit for each other? Right. Because we can get along. We can like a lot of things together and enjoy our time together.

But the roles really speak to the long-term relationship. And I don't want to use the word expectations, but it pretty much is the expectations of each other. It's like you need to know. the job description before you, you know, take the position. And so nowadays you may, for example, as a man, you may talk to a woman and she may want a more egalitarian relationship. You know, she may believe in 50-50, you know, and shared leadership and all these different things. You'll have another woman who may believe more in the man being the head of the household. You may have a woman who thinks, no, she should be the head of the household. Like, you just want to really

get down to all the details of how they view roles. And I think if someone says, well, there's no roles. We just, no, we can't just go into this with no understanding of roles. Even if you don't believe in gender roles, there are still roles you play in a relationship. And if we want this to function at the highest level, we need to have an understanding of how that's going to work. And that way, we can start to flourish in those roles. What I loved about that is I never considered it. And it's something I learned from watching your stuff.

And that's going to save you a lot of grief down the way. Can chemistry actually be a warning signal? I don't think chemistry is a warning signal, but I do think chemistry can blind you to the reality of whether or not this can really work. I think we have to understand that, you know, chemistry is really about two people getting along and flowing with each other. And listen, there are some people out there who they get along with almost everybody. Like, they can have chemistry with tons of people. But that does not mean they can be in a full relationship with these same people.

So it's like chemistry is good. It is necessary. But you cannot just go off of that. And I think a lot of people have ended up in the wrong relationship because they fell for the trap of we have great chemistry. How old are you? I'm 47. All right. And I'm 59.

So we didn't exactly grow up in the same stuff, but we're closer than we are apart. Yeah. And the reason I say that is, you know, the kids today, they're not really big on relationships. No. Like our thing was find a woman, build a woman. build a family, you know, keep that bond going and growing and growing as you, you know, as you, as you go, go through life together. These kids today are just, you know, their chemistry and their attraction, that's what they're interested in, right? And they do that until the wheels fall off. And then they're

on to the next. And typically, uh, they're dealing with. with multiple people at the same time. And some of these kids have boyfriends and girlfriends. Right. So I'm not kidding. That's a thing now. Right. Right.

So it's like I'm wondering if as time goes by, you and I are barking up the wrong tree. You know, no, I think, I think at the core of, the human experience is a desire for relationship. I think what we're seeing right now is, again, there's a lot more distractions. There's a lot more things that are delaying the process or interfering with the realization of people wanting to join together

with somebody and share life with somebody. Not to mention social media constantly puts out a lot of negative content where, yeah, if you're looking at this, you're like, why would I even want to go through this and deal with this, right? So I think it's just, it's throwing things off, but I think you're gonna see more and more people get to a place where they want relationship again.

I even have a theory, I'm not saying it's correct, but you know how they talk about AI, taking a lot of jobs and people being displaced. And I think that it's possible that when that occurs, you're gonna see a rise in relationships. Because once you take away people's purpose and work, it's going to free up a lot more time. And again, this now enters in, well,

they're going to want to find more purpose or more joy with other individuals, with raising families. So I think we may see a shift back. But right now, yeah, they're coming out of an age of, again, just being overexposed. And that shifted a lot of people's mindsets. There's a lot more experimentation going on right now. but I think everybody at the core still wants relationships.

So you brought up something that's really important today, social media. And two things about that. Number one, okay, how is that getting in the way? Because you and I would go out, we'd go to a bar, okay, anywhere. The party, the market, driving. It doesn't matter, right? And we'd connect with somebody. We talked to somebody.

We had to put ourselves out there physically, in person, and talk to people, right? Today, that's not happening. And I want you to touch on that. But before you do, I want to make a comment about the negativity in your feet. Okay. That's their fault. That is their fault. You can go ahead and put in your feed, okay?

People like you. about financial literacy, about mental health, about recovery. You can get the positive messages from this thing if you get right and you say, is this good for me? Is this negativity good for me? Right. Know thyself. That's what you're talking about the whole time.

Know thyself. All right. Comment on that and the fact that, people aren't present with each other anymore. Yeah. So when it comes to the negative feet, I agree with you, but I'm going to give them a little bit of grace only because the social media platforms have really done a number on these algorithms. And now, like, for example, I have tons of people who follow me who say, I haven't seen your post in months, in years. So even when we're choosing healthier, more positive

messages, the algorithm still wants to feed sensationalism, right? And that sensationalism usually is divisive rhetoric, negative things, unhealthy information. So unfortunately, we are battling some things when it comes to these platforms. But yes, I do agree that we still have to take the responsibility as individuals to try to be mindful of what we're digesting and what we're allowing on our feed. Now, in regards to the disconnect is created, so, okay, as someone who I used to, again, I used to throw parties, go to parties I loved, you know, even though it's crazy, I'm an introvert,

but I still like going to a club. And I always would think about like, okay, how things are so different now, you know, when it comes to clubs because of social media. And I think the world hasn't really considered how much the current distraction, Okay, let me break it like this. When we were younger, back in the days, right?

Let's say you're a woman and you wanted to get some compliments or attention. You had to go out to make that happen. All right? It pushed you into that space of I want to get pretty, I want to go out, and then yeah, you want some guys to hit on you just even just to feed your ego. Nothing wrong with that. But today, you could just post on your story or on your story, story or on your Instagram, whatever, get a bunch of likes and compliments.

You don't ever have to leave the house. Okay? For young men, once upon time, if you wanted to see good looking women, you had to go somewhere. Yeah, there were Playboy magazines and things like that, but if you want to see it live or at least be closer to it, you had to go out. Now there's this overabundance of digital stimulation, porn, Instagram, all these things there's kids growing up on this, 13, 12, 14, and their life is surrounded by porn, Instagram, whatever.

So again, they don't have the same motivation to go out. Then you add on top of that low testosterone and men, which I'm very passionate about health and how it's affecting us today. And so all these different things, and again, just the distraction of social media, because people are scrolling and before you know it, two, three hours at best. I won't say, I mean, birth rate's gonna decline,

but I just think there's gonna, what, okay, there's already one issue that's happening that I believe is contributing to the lower birth rates, lower marriages, low relationships. It's the fact that there's a greater separation between, let's say, the top 20% of men and the rest of men, all right? Back in the days, a lot of the men in the law lower pool, we're able to still get girlfriends and wives because if we're going to keep a real

one, at some point, a woman needed a man for provision, protection, all right? She couldn't work for herself, all these things. So that let in a lot of those guys, as well as the fact that didn't have as many options. So basically, before the internet, you were confined to your community. all right there was less comparison going on back then so yeah you you may have had maybe a family member who had this really good looking guy but it didn't feel as bad to have the less attractive guy or the guy who didn't have all that because that's what people in your community had everybody was on the same the same level for the most part right now we live in a world where people are seeing so many more options the comparison is greater and I

I always say, me and my friends, we're always talking about how it's very difficult for women to go backwards. Meaning, if she's experienced a certain level of guy, to now expect her to go to the lower level of guy, this relationship, it's just, it's extremely difficult for her to do that, all right? So a lot more women, due to people having more access to each other, are getting to experience higher tiers of men or whatever you want to call it. And it's almost like, you know, the joke before, once you've had filet mignon, you can't eat spam anymore, right? It's like it's changed their taste buds. And so now, and the men of those lower tears, they're not getting that same grace they used to get because she doesn't have to accept that anymore. She has more options. So when we get back to the robots, you're going to see a lot of those lower, the again, the, the non-20%, the lesser percentage,

pool of men are probably going to be gravitating more to those robots. Those 20% of men are probably going to be gravitating to having more women. All right. And so it's just going to be this very big shift where just a certain group of men are probably going to be indulging in all their options now. And the other guys are just going to, yeah, take the AI bot and live happily ever after with that, I guess. It's a crazy world, man. Yeah. We're going into something that is that we have no idea what we're going into. Absolutely. Well, the good part is I know how to live with an unresolved problem,

so I don't get that scared, right? Yeah. Even though it's really scared. All right. What's the red flag people ignore most often? The red flag people ignore most often. Narcissistic tendencies, maybe? No, I'm going to say the lack of healing.

I'm going to say the lack of healing because, one, because so many people are not healed themselves, consciously or subconsciously they give a pass to other individuals for their lack of healing, all right? As well as because they haven't healed, they can't as efficiently recognize those issues in others or see it for what it is. I always say when you're not healed, you're looking at life through broken glasses. So you cannot see as straight as you could had you gone through the healing process. As well as another issue that I find

is that there are people who believe you're never fully healed, that life is just this never-ending healing journey. I disagree with that. I do believe you can fully heal from things. But if your mindset says there's never an end to heal, healing, well, then again, you're going to always give a free pass to others who haven't fully healed. And you'll convince yourself that it's not that big of a deal, you'll work past it,

whatever the case may be. But then it's those same red flag that you ignore in the beginning that end up ending your relationship. Can you explain the difference between a difficult relationship and a toxic one? What are the warning signs? Okay. A difficult relationship, there's a lot of different ways to look at it. Difficult relationship, let's start with there could be outside influences making it harder for those two people. So for example, two people together, they love each other, but the man's mother is a thorn in that woman's side, okay, and causing all kinds of problems. They maybe one or both have kids with somebody else, and the other parents give it problems,

okay? Maybe they're long distance, and right now they're having issues coming together, maybe there's financial struggles right now. So they love each other. They have a connection, but the financial struggles are causing a strain on a relationship. So it's typically factors that go beyond the two individuals, all right,

is a difficult relationship. And then sometimes even with the two individuals, there may be misunderstandings that we have to clear up. But as long as we're willing to communicate, we can clear those things up. Toxic relationships are more, they can still be due to outside interference depending on how the individuals in it choose to handle it.

So for example, if that mother is a thorn in that woman's side and the man is not doing anything to resolve the issue, it's now become a toxic relationship. So even though it didn't start with him, his inability or unwillingness to handle things is now allowing this to be toxic. But then if we just focus on the two individuals, it's based off people who are dismissive of each other's feelings, right?

Unwilling to make necessary changes and improvements. Someone that you can tell them what you need and they still aren't doing it. And then of course, verbal abuse, physical abuse, all these other things that now make it toxic, but are much more focused on the two individuals and how they don't fit well together for various reasons. You know what? It seems really easy to handle. And the power is all with the woman. All she would have to say in that scenario is, well, if you're not going to deal with your mother, go sleep with her because you're not sleeping with me. That guy will get right on it.

Right on it. Yes, ma'am. Why do people stay in relationships that they know aren't healthy? Oh, man. The reasons are long. The first thing that came to mind is fear. Fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of what they feel is lost time and energy

and the investment they made into this person and situation. Fear of facing society or family, right? If you've been pressured and people have been saying to you, when you're going to have a partner and have some babies and blah, blah, blah, and you've allowed that to kind of push you into this situation that you don't belong in and now you struggle to, walk away from it. And then of course unhealthy attachments due to lack of healing and even the fear of nothing better existing for you, right? You think this is the best it's going to get. So why even

bother leaving? So for all those reasons, it always comes down to healing. Healing and embracing the strength. I don't want to say finding it because you have it. You just have to embrace the strength that you have to do what is truly best for you, right? Now, I think the first step is always, healing is always a great first step because it will allow you to see things more clearly. And there are situations where people have, I'll give you one example that comes to mind.

I had a client once where she met this guy, it was long distance, they hit it off, everything was amazing. I want to say six or seven months into it, agrees to move to his city. Let's say he's in Phoenix, right? She moves to Phoenix and now she says everything changes. His attitude changes, his energy changes, and she feels like it's a whole huge mistake, right? But as I'm talking to her, I don't know, you know, again, I'm a very spiritual person. Things sometimes just come to me and I just go with it. So I'm like, I feel like there's

something else this story you're not telling me. I noticed that she mentioned she hate. She hate Phoenix. They're not in Phoenix, right? And so I asked her, I said, let me ask you this. Did his energy change first? Or

did your energy shift because you were in a city that you did not want to be in? And when she sat and thought about it, she said, I will admit, I kind of, that started first and then I noticed a change in him. I said, okay, so is it possible

that his negativity is a reaction? to yours. And not simply he fooled you and tricked you into thinking he's something, he's nod and all these things like, wait a minute, maybe this balls down to he feels the way that you feel that he tricked you, he thinks you tricked him. Because your attitude and energy is completely different than what he experienced before you moves to Phoenix for him. And so we got to dive into that rather than just assuming this is about a bad person.

or a bad match, and is this a resolvable issue with this whole Phoenix thing? So I always tell people that if you're in a relationship with someone and it's not serving you, okay, then you've got to cut it out of your life. Okay? How do you feel about that? Yeah, I agree. But again, I think it's always about, Making sure we understand what the disconnect is. So in the example you just gave, which was beautiful, by the way, exquisite, in that particular situation, it would seem after those couples had that intervention that you pointed out, it would seem that the way out of that, because we've all been in it, right?

is just to get soft look at this person and say, hey, now that we know what's going on, can we start over? Because I love it. Can we start over? I love you. Okay. Wouldn't it seem like that's the repair that needed to be made in that situation? Yes.

And so the thing, the hard part about it is, like, I don't know if she would have came to that realization had I not pointed out for her. No chance. I can answer that. No chance. So now that once the realization is made, yes, to your point, it's all right, let's start over. And let's also discuss what is that you don't like so much about Phoenix. Like what is the problem? And again, are these correctable issues? We have to give grace to each other, you know, especially whenever we're having big changes. I think as couples, we expect each other to just transition into being exactly what we need in this rough time or rough transition. But it's like we got to give grace. We got to give grace to each other, you know, and understand that it's not always that easy and that simple for people,

but we can conquer these things if we communicate, if we show patience with each other, and we're clear with each other about what we need in order to overcome this this issue so the one thing that gets to me more than anything it's my pet peeve is the the woman who is never wrong and she can't responsibility for anything and you know i was with someone who was right truthfully taught me how to be a better man okay 95% of the time hand to hand to god almost perfect. But that 5% of the time, I was right. Now, I don't need to be right.

I need to be comfortable. But at a certain point, it's like, babe, that's a character defect. Okay? Come on. Okay. I'm not married to any of this. But if you're right 95% of the time, wouldn't it be reasonable that if I bring something up?

It's like maybe this is something that I need, right? How do you deal with that? So again, it's one of those things where you have to have a deeper discussion because people who can. Oh, with those people, you can talk until you're blue in the face and your heart falls out. That ain't working. So my thing is this. You always talk first because that will expose whether it's fixable or not. because yes, in most cases, like you said,

it's not going to go anywhere. And you just, you can't have a relationship with someone who cannot take accountability. That's just not going to work. It's just not in the long run, plain and simple, right? But you never know when there's instances of this individual being willing to hear you out, make some considerations. But again, I think it's not just saying,

hey, I need you to take accountability. It's understanding why they struggle. with it. So I always tell people, you don't tell an alcoholic stop drinking. That's not going to get them to stop drinking. If you want to have any chance at progress, you have to get to understanding why they drink. And it's not about why you would drink or what makes sense to you. No, what is driving them to drink? And once we understand the root issue, if it is correctable, we have a chance to make progress. But too many times we're attacking issues on the surface

and we're just saying, well, just don't do that anymore. And it's like, but that's not going to get us anywhere. Let's have a deeper understanding of the why. You talked about, I'm paraphrasing, when opportunity knocks, you better be ready to open the door. Right? And what that was referring to was,

was, you know, you can go out and meet a great woman. It might take you a month. It might take you two years. It doesn't matter. But when that happens, you better be a fully realized man, healed and take it in so that you're ready to open that door. Talk about that. That's exactly it. And I think this is where a lot of people are missing the mark, men and women.

they're getting so caught up in either hoping, giving up, whatever the case may be, but not preparing to receive the thing that they actually desire. And so an opportunity for most people does come at some point. It's going to be different points in life, but it comes at some point. And for most people, they are not ready when it comes. They fumble the situation.

And I don't want you fumble sounds so bad, but yes, they mishandle. or they contribute at least to the mishandling because it's a two-way street. And then it just, it's this never-ending cycle until you're willing to do the work, to grow, to mature, to heal so that you will be ready because they can't come back around, whether it's that person or someone new. But again, it's going to always blow down to will you be ready when opportunity knocks? You know what I found.

Okay. And you tell me if I'm right or wrong. because it's anecdotal, okay? It's subjective. My experience is a man can go back to the well over and over and over again. But the minute a woman loses her respect for a man, it's over. True? Yes.

For the most part, yes. And I think that a big reason why that is, is men typically are not as emotionally invested in their situations. Okay. So one, that lack of emotional investment is basically causes less fatigue and discouragement on that man to where it's easier for him to come back. As well as, even if he was very emotionally invested, you know, you talk to most men,

they only can name you one or two women that they view. as like, I really want to point or I really believe, like, that was it. On the flip side, women get so much more emotionally invested in all their situations. They have many more experiences of disappointment because they're giving themselves that they get drained a lot more, all right? They have a lot more discouragement that has been placed on them. And then you add to the fact that there's already this notion that men are just horrible people and we're going to do women wrong or whatever. So, yeah, once she kind of crosses that line, it's like, enough, I can't do it anymore.

Once she has depleted herself, it's done. And even if there's a little bit of feelings there, women are very good at, like, once they've convinced themselves that that's it, that's pretty much it. And it's going to be hard to fix that. I'm asking for a friend now. When you get older and let's say you hit 60, okay, the pool is diminished, right? That pool is gone. And what would you say to people like that, okay, that were ready for a relationship, but, you know, the pools, the pool shrunk.

Well, my first question to them is, what size pool are you trying to swim in? And what I mean by that is what are the parameters you put around the people you are willing to date? I can tell you. I can tell you. If you're not old enough to run for president, okay, then you don't date them. Okay. That's the role. And what's the age to run for president? again, remind me? 35. 35.

Okay. And that's understandable. I can't really knock that. Because I do come across a lot of people, let's say in their 60s, where they're trying to date people in their 60s to. And I'm like, wait a minute. Like, why aren't you opening your field up to 50, 40? You're still grown adults.

I understand there are people who feel weird about age gaps or whatever. But to me, listen, it's about. the individuals if there's a connection, if we have shared values, if we want the same things, if we're willing to pour into each other, why are we restricting ourselves by age? Of course, nothing illegal, nothing crazy. So when you throw out 35, I think that's very reasonable. So I do think that one, opening your horizons is a big thing, especially as we get older, as well as, again, my next question is, how are you positioning it? yourself to even have opportunities.

I'm sitting at my desk doing nothing. Hey, let me ask me. The only way somebody's going to find me is if their car breaks down in front of the house and they knock on the door and say, excuse me, do any of you losers happen to have AAA? I do. Right?

That's how it's going to work. And that's the thing. A lot of times the pool has shrunk because we are not positioning ourselves to have opportunities. Do you know what's weird? Do you know it's weird? Okay. All my friends do the sugar baby thing.

And I can't do it, man. I just can't. It's antithetical to who I am. It's too transactional for me. And that's completely understandable. You know, and I don't, the thing is there's sugar baby being. and then there's age gap dating, let's say. And though some people kind of view it the same

because they just feel like, well, yeah, when you usually see younger woman, older man, it's because he can pay bills. I always say, listen, in today's world, it takes money as a man to have almost any woman. Okay, so regardless of whether you're dating, younger the same age, you got to be able to come to the table

with some financial stability or some financial abilities, right? to provide it and do things for her. And not every connection is solely based off of the money. I always say, listen, there are things that open the door and there are things that keep people in the room. Things like money, beauty, those are door openers, all right? But you can still evaluate if someone is there, if they're remaining in the room for you, all right?

hurting everybody. Do you know who's destroying everybody? Catherine McPhee and her husband. I think his name is David Foster, right? I don't know a couple. Okay. So there is this woman, this beautiful, breathtaking woman that was like in her late 30s, and she was on American Idol. And she's saying, this is years ago, over a decade ago.

But I always think of it. I don't know why. and she was this magnificently talented, beautiful, funny woman, and she ended up with this guy in his 60s who was all gray, handsome, doing well, great, all this stuff. But he was 30 years older than her, right? And it's like dating on a dating app. You're being catfished.

This isn't real. This is like finding a needle in a haystack. This is, right? And then everybody shoots for that. Right? And it's like, what's going on here? Right? No. And I think the thing is people have to not, not just shoot for a specific ideal or specific dynamic, but again, learning how to be open to all the possibilities. Okay. Because listen, you may go out there and meet someone 20 years younger and it could be an amazing relationship. You may go out there and meet somebody who's one year younger and it can be a great amazing relationship. Three years. Hold it. Like, again, I think we got to remove some of these parameters that we've put on this. It's all about is there an initial attraction? Again, do we have great communication? Is there a connection? But also, I think what people have to be willing to do also is get input from other, the opposite sex of what maybe we, if we're not having luck in a certain area, what could we be doing better?

I think too many times people are going to their friends of the same gender, they're listening to podcasts, there's nothing wrong with that. But go to the people that you're trying to attract, at least that gender, right? And get some of their input and say, hey, what do you, what kind of energy am I giving off? How am I presenting myself? What do you think I could do that would make it easier for me to attract women? And then try those things. And you might be surprised what that can do for you.

What point should someone stop trying to fix a relationship and walk away? So my initial response is after you've made everything clear what you need and there is not improvement, it's done. And that's why I'm such a big believer in communicating and expressing yourself fully. There are so many relationships, even marriages, where there are. having all these problems, but neither side has a full understanding of how the other feels and a full understanding of what exactly is lacking and is a problem here. But once that has been fully communicated, clearly, so there's no guessing, there's no, I didn't know, and you're still not making any changes and make it better. We're done. That's the mic drop moment.

That's the mic drop moment podcast. Yeah. That's it. It's over. It's, yeah. Yeah, well, it's all downhill from here probably. Can trust ever be fully rebuilt after cheating? The word that we got to remove is fully. Can it be rebuilt enough to have a successful relationship? Yes. No. I don't think you're not going to have fully.

Uh-huh. No, I think I say yes. I say it can to have a functional relationship. Okay, so let's back this up. Here's the thing, and let me first start with my personal principle. I don't believe in trusting anyone 100%, period, okay? Because no matter how amazing of a person you are, we are all human beings, we are all flawed, we all can fall short,

even the greatest people have done bad things in a moment. Life is a lot about moments and sometimes people lose sight of things in a moment. It's not to excuse bad behavior, but it's the reality of life. So because of that, and I put nothing past nobody, I already start with, I guess you can say, 99% trust. I'm going to always leave 1% for the reality of things can happen.

Okay? Now, when we talk about cheating occurring, The reason why it can get to a successful place is because, again, it always starts with understanding why did it even happen? We need context. One of the things that's missing in a lot of discourse today is people talk about things without context. They're evaluating situations without proper context. And that context can make a huge difference.

So there's a difference between, let's say, you're in a relationship, you're doing everything right. You're attentive, you have great communication, all these things. And this person still betrays you and cheats on you, right? That's something that's going to be very hard to get that person to a functional place of having a relationship with them. Because it's like, what else can I do? I did everything and it was still not good enough.

On the flip side, let's say you have two. people and work has gotten real hectic. They've gotten a real busy. I know one situation where a couple was married, I want to say seven years into it. The wife goes on a business trip. They've had a disconnect for a while for a lot of various reasons. On this business trip, she has some drinks and a coworker kissed her and she allowed it to happen. Okay? Doesn't have sex, but allows that kiss. Now, to a lot of people, that is cheating. And that's nothing. There's people have different views on what constitutes is cheating. But either way, that's cheating.

That's something that some people can bounce back from. Others, regardless, even if it was just a peck on a cheek, they might say, it's over. I'm never doing this again with you. So it depends on the individual, but again, it also depends on the context of the situation. I want to ask you a question that I ask people on occasion, all right? and see what you think about it. A man and a woman have been married a while, maybe 10 years, right? He goes out on a business trip for 48 hours.

She goes to a bar with her girlfriend. They have a couple drinks, and these two gorgeous men, okay, come up to talk to them. They don't like her friend, and now they're both talking to her. her. Right. Now, on her bucket list, she's always wanted to have a threesome. Right. So, she goes home with these guys because she's drunk, right, and she's feeling a little loose, right? She sleeps with these guys all night long. But then, when she goes home, after having the experience that she thought she always wanted, she lost her mind. She was like, I'm in love with my husband.

I am so in love with my husband. I can't believe what I just did. Now, I've got a crystal ball. Okay. And in this crystal ball, I can see that over the next 20 years, until they're both in the grave, okay, not only is she never cheated, but her love was exponential.

The relationship got even. in better. Now let me ask you a question. If you're the guy, do you want to know? So you're saying me personally? Sure. That's a tough one. No, it isn't. My instincts is saying I don't want to know. Of course. And every man I've ever asked that question said, no, I don't want to know. And every man I've ever asked that question said, no, I don't want to know. And ever, every man, woman said, I want to know. Good. Now I want to talk about, as we're ending,

I notice that you riff on your podcast, and a lot of times it's just you. And I love that. So will you do me a favor? Will you, for the last seven minutes or so, will you just speak about whatever's on your heart in this moment? you know what's coming to mind so i recently saw um this ticot where these women are now complaining or pointing out that there's no masculine men in church okay masculinity is missing in church and you know one

the things one of things they're saying to support this idea is that these men don't approach them you know And they get more approached by men who are ungodly or outside the church than men in it. And, you know, one of the things I don't like is the fact that a lot of these conversations don't have proper balance. And again, they don't consider the full picture in all context. And as a believer, I'm going to say, listen, I agree there is a lack of masculinity in the church. But believe it or not, I also. feel there's a lack of femininity in the church. All right? And so both issues kind of contribute to the other. Now, they're both, you know, I always say everyone has to own their own energy. No one is responsible for

allowing you to be masculine as a man. The same way, a man is not responsible for allowing a woman to be feminine. You have to be that within yourself. And the, key is then does this person honor and respect it or not. Okay. So for example, I remember one time I went on the podcast, Women of Impact, release of Bible. And we talked about how this one guy goes on the date with this woman. They went well. Check comes. Waiter puts it in the middle table. Neither reaches for the check. Right? They sit there for the next five minutes just looking at the check. After the five minutes past, the man gasp and says, oh, thank God. And he finally grabs it. And she's like, what was that? And he said, the last date he went on and he reached for the check,

the woman cursed them out. And so, oh, you don't think I can pay for my half or I can't pay for my own date? So that, I guess, traumatized him to where now he's all hesitant to pay for the check. But all that does is you are allowing people to dictate to you, your principal, your energy, your masculinity, however you frame that, rather than just staying strong in it. And so if this woman that you're now on a date with would have appreciated that, you've given her reason to be like,

okay, I got to be cautious with this guy because I don't know what he's on anymore. So it's important that you remain in that energy. And then again, if I'm on that date with the woman and I reach for the check and she curses me out, Then all you did was save me time from having a second date. You are not for me. I am not for you. But I'm not going to change being masculine, right?

And it's the same thing for a lot of women. It's like there's a lot of women saying, well, you know, men are allowing them to rest in their feminine. Okay, but you're not walking in it to begin with. And one of the big problems we're having is also people not understanding there's a difference between the energy that you have in you and the energy that you are exuding to the world. So there are a lot of women who, yes,

once they are in a relationship, they are very feminine women. They know how to be soft, nurturing, loving, all these wonderful, beautiful things. But when they are walking around, they're looking like pit bulls who, if you even say hello, they're going to attack you, okay?

And I'm not saying that disrespectfully, that is what it is. I use the term mean mugging. They're mean mugging everybody. and it's the same thing going back to the tick talkers about the lack of masculinity in the church. It's like you're not even smiling at the God. You're not giving him any signals to come talk to you, but somehow he's the problem because he's not pushing past that. Now, again, context, context matters.

Naturally, a man who is a believer, a man who is in church is likely to have a greater level of respect and a greater level of let me not invade this woman's face unless she wants me to. So it is even more important with that kind of guy that you give him the signal that he can come talk to you. But the guy who is not godly, the guy who is outside the church, he doesn't care about any of that. The guy who may even not be trying to pursue you seriously. Like I always say the guy who just wants to sleep at you, your energy doesn't matter, your looks, do, all right? Or does he find something desirable about you? So yes, he will approach you nonstop because those things don't matter to him because he's not trying to go beyond the surface.

But the good guy, the church guy, whatever you want to label him as, he has more concern for, I don't want to be, you know, invading her space. I don't want to, you know, take up her time if she's not interested. So you've got to play your role in that. So, you know, I say, I'm sad to say, you know, this whole masculine and feminine thing, I'm a big believer that there is a huge problem. And again, I recognize and acknowledge not everyone subscribes to that kind of dynamic, you know, and you're going to have some men who are more in their feminine, you're going to have some women who are genuinely more in their masculine, and you're going to have some people who don't mind having a relationship where it's the woman who is masculine and the man who's feminine. I always say, if it works for you, cool, but you've got to know what you're signing yourself up for.

And it's not what you're signing yourself up for today. It's what you're signing yourself up for long term. One of the things that concerns me with women who sometimes maybe even take issue with me discussing this whole dynamic is that they'll say, okay, well, let's talk about like leadership. Well, I don't need a man to lead me. We can lead each other, right? I'm a big believer that co-leadership is one of the worst things you could try to subscribe to. Okay. It works if you guys are always in agreement with each other and there's nothing that neither of you are so passionate about that it's going to cause any conflict. Then you can co-leadership all the way for as long as you want. But the day that comes, and it will come, the day that comes where you feel strongly about your position, he feels strongly about his. And there's no agreed upon final decision maker. that's when everything goes downhill.

Because now we will have a conflict because no one is going to submit to the other. And what you're going to have is if the woman doesn't get her way, she's going to make that man feel it. All right? He's going to get an attitude. He may get less intimacy, something.

If the man doesn't get his way, he may feel emasculated. It may start to hit his confidence. It will start to have a negative impact on him. And now what you also may have is he starts to default to the woman. So you'll hear these men who've been married for a long time. Just give her what she wants. Just always say yes.

They're just accepted defeat. I'm just going to do what she wants. That sounds cute and funny to people on the surface. However, and that woman may enjoy it initially. But there's going to come a day where she, basically the burden is more on her. being the leader, the decision maker, that's tiring. That's exhausting. It's stressful.

It requires a lot of developed abilities and skills. There's a day where she's tired. She's dealing with so much. She tells her, man, can you handle this? And his default is, well, what do you want to do? His default is to put it right back on her. If it didn't happen already, she's lost all respect at that point. It's downhill.

Do you know what I love, though? I love the whole divide and conquer thing when it comes to leadership, right? So in my world, the leader of the children in a co-parenting situation, right, would be her. And the reason it's her, okay, is because I recognize she's better at it than me. Yeah. So ultimately, I guess I was the leader because I deferred to her, right? But when it comes to finances and stuff like that, it's like, you know, she feels the same way, right? I'm the guy who's going to take the leadership position.

We can do that in different buckets, right? Where other, right? Yes, absolutely. And again, a great leader knows how to delegate. A great leader understands where he's weak or where she's weak, right? and will allow others to take lead in those areas. But you still want to have that essentially final decision maker for the day that comes where there is conflict,

where there is huge disagreement. But also because if you don't allow one, the problem, when we don't have roles, we don't get to develop the skills of those roles to thrive in it. All right. So leadership is something that you have to live in to get better at. If that man, for example, is not put in the position of having to learn how to lead, then when the day comes that he has to make a decision,

he is not well equipped to make good decisions, which will then cause more harm and frustration to that woman, which is also why I'm a huge proponent of men living by themselves at least for a year before getting into serious relationships. one of the worst things that happened is men going from the mother's house to the girlfriend's house, okay, or the wife's house, and never having learning how to stand on his own two feet. Again, you will become a burden to that woman. You will become like her child.

And so then we wonder why the sex falls off. And we wonder why all these other issues occur. It's like, no, this dynamic is important. And I want women to also understand when I talk about men being the leader, it's not dictatorship. It's not to say women aren't capable. It's about what's going to be most efficient and prosperous for the totality of the relationship over the long run. Allowing him to lead is taking the burden off her back. And I believe going back to the feminine energy, one of the reasons why a lot of women aren't able to even comfort.

being their feminine is because they're overly stressed. They're taking on way too much. I remember there was some study that showed as more women had entered into the workspace, and again, not trying to say women shouldn't work, but as more women have entered the workspace, the rise of mental health issues have skyrocketed amongst women.

Because so many, there are some women out there who they're truly wired to go work, to achieve, to do things, to run a company, And I want women to do what is truly in their heart and what they're truly created for, right? So if you're that woman, do that. But then you have other women who their heart and their wiring is for the home, it's for children,

it's for family, it's for those things. But some of them are being pushed out of that and being told, no, you need to go out there and work, you can do this, this, and the other. And then they're taking on roles and stresses that are only overwhelming them and causing more problems, not just in a relationship, but even health-wise.

So, you know, I can go on and on and on and on, but the bottom line is, I kind of went all over the place with it, but I really just want both men and women to really get in tune with their true individual energy. It goes back to what we said in the very beginning, accepting yourself, right? And really developing that and being confident in that, and then only getting with someone who is in alignment with it.

And being able to assert their needs, right? I mean, if you can't assert your needs, then don't expect them to be met. All right. Absolutely. Where can people reach you, Stefan? They can find me everywhere at Stefan Speaks, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, or go to my store at Stefanspeakshop.com. You are a true blessing to us today.

We've learned a lot. I've learned a lot. Okay. And I think we're going to piss some people off and I like that. Okay. Because the truth hurts sometimes. See you next Tuesday. We're out of time.

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