Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 317- Dracula 2000 (1999)

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

For the second week in a row, we're wandering around in the strange and somewhat incomprehensible world of the year 1999: the dawning of a new millenium, Y2K and the 1999 modernization of a classic tale, "Dracula 2000." Seriously though, why? (and is the pun "Why2K" too much? Eh, too late now.) Special topics for your consideration include: a lot of very very good Dracula-based film ideas, the ephemeral quality of Monster Magnet in our memories, the inexplicable relationship between Dracula and nu-metal, and weird pants and even weirder plot points. Some vampire movies are really good, like Episode 163- "Let the Right One In." A lot of other vampire movies are really bad, like Episode 89- "Queen of the Damned."  Find us online: Support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and get bonus episodes about action movies Buy merch for yourself or those you love at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance on Twitter @werebulance on Instagram @werewolfambulance. [e-mail] If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Someday we're gonna be #1 in Finland. Some sweet day. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down. Werewolf Ambulance is a horror movie comedy podcast.     

Katie. What this movie presupposes is. What if he didn't? Die a little big horn. Did you? Did she... Yeah. Had you seen this film? Oh yes, and recently. So you knew what was going to happen. Uh-huh. See, here's something that everyone should know.

Tell me. I love you and I want you to feel my pain. I just love the idea of you watching this to me and like my friend Katie, whom I love needs this. I think I also was like, man, we had a lot th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told told told to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told told told told to told told told told told told told told told too too too too too too too thooe tooe tooe tooe tooe tooe too too too too too too too love, needs this. I think I also was like, man, we had a lot of fun talking shit on Gerard Butler. We could really go to town on this movie. Oh, well, can we? He has like, no, no, he has like no lines. I don't think he could, well, he couldn't do a Transylvanian accent.

He didn't even attempt that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thioling, thioling, tooomomoom. tooomoom. tooom. tooom. tooom. too, tooom. too, too, too, too, too, tooing. tooing. tooing. tooing. tooing. tooing. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe., no, no, no. And that's, I think, for the best. Yeah. He was maybe doing an American accent? I don't think he knew. I don't think he knew. And I also think he was just so distracted that like 80% of his directions, his like stage directions were just look up from the floor.

Because that's all he's doing in this movie. So you're saying your boy West Craven was not doing his best work. Wow. Did he really actually have anything to do with us or did they just put his name on it? I thought he directed it. No, he didn't direct it. He didn't write it, certainly. West Craven gives you. A thing we once talk, certainly. West Craven gives you.

A thing we once talked to West Craven about Dracula 2000. So yeah, it's directed by Patrick Lucie. Oh, I feel like I know that name. Well, you might know him from, uh, the Perch TV series. No. Honestly, it might be from Dracula 2000. There's somebody else that I thought that I knew from something else, but I only know them from Dracula 2000.

Vitamin C. Yeah, I do know her from. What do you know her from? The graduation song, remember I played it for you? That's where, okay, I knew we had talked about her, but like- You're like, vitamin C is somewhere in my subconscious. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, because then I went back and I looked at her filmography

and I was like, no, we have not done any of these movies. And also you may have recognized her from her own CD that she was standing in front of inside the music story Our vitamin CD Fucking vitamin C I mean the turn of the Millennium was a weird time. Let's get that out of the way According to Vice magazine that song is still a perennial favorite that comes out every graduation season You know what that's smart though because it's like happy birthdays taken. Yep. You know jingle bells has cornered the market. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their vitamin their vitamin c. their vitamin c. their vitamin c. Vitamin c. Vitamin their vitamin c. Vitamin their vitamin c. Vitamin their vitamin c. Vitamin their vitamin c. Vitamin their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the t. the toy. the toy. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the though, because it's like happy birthdays taken. Jingle Bells has cornered the market. What else are you going to do? Graduation, there's like it's such a wide open field and vitamin C just slipped herself right in there. She did. Yeah. Good for you, vitamin C.

Way to cool, Colleen. Also probably not the worst actor in this movie. No, overall the, okay, I was going to say they're not the worst actors, but there's some pretty bad acting. I mean, there's some cool, like, why doesn't Omar Epp's work more? I don't know. He's delightful. Find him so great in everything he does. I really like him. Isn't he like a TV guy? Doesn't he do like one of those doctor shows? Oh, that could well be. That's something I just would not know. Yeah, he was on ER. Oh, okay. Well,

that's a show that probably made him a lot of money. Maybe that's why he doesn't do much. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Also, Sean Patrick Thomas, very big at this time. Who, which one is he? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. time. Who, which one is he? He was one of the other heisters. He starred in Save the Last Dance and he was in cruel intentions, both of which were hit films of the same time. Are you talking about my man Trick? Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am. Ah. Who I'm not talking about is Danny Masterson as Night Shade? Apparently that guy is also the worst IRL. Yeah, he turned out to be a real shit bag, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

You didn't know when he was wearing that fucking duster. See, I think the, this movie, one of the things it suffers from other than idiocy is coming in the one of the things it suffers from, other than idiocy, is coming in the wake of the Matrix. They're like, oh, we gotta have dumb names. We gotta dress it all black and wear dusters, some of us. There has to be like a fight scene where somebody does a flip of some kind. You are so right about that.

The flippy fight scene between Mary and Dracula at the end is hilarious. Oh my God. One thing I do like about this movie is Christopher Plummer is Van Helsing. I like that a lot. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Until he inexplicably dies three quarters of the way through the movie and you think he's maybe not actually dead.

They made that poor man lay on the floor and filmed him to be dead. Oh, it was so funny. Yeah, he was under a bit, I think. Yeah, he was. I like him, though. I think he's very captivating to watch. Oh, yeah, he's a god-dam delight. Yeah. And he's just like he's one of those people that no matter what he's in, it's going to be a little bit better than if he wasn't. But I feel like in this movie that's taken down by the presence of Johnny Lee Miller who anything that he's in is just going to be a little bit worse. Wow, that's an offended face. How oh, how dare you? How dare you? Alan? like I just kicked his dog.

You got a John Ely, Miller thing? No, but I live in a house with someone who's a big fan. So, why? Uh, because he's in some of those period dramas and... Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, he's sick boy from train spotting and... He's not giving his best work at that face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know he's sick boy from train spotting and He's not to he's not giving his best work at this movie He's he's such a weird But somehow delightful choice for the role of Simon the underling to Christopher Flover.

I don't understand his life because he's both an antiques dealer and an action star Well, he had a former life which I assume was transpoting. Oh, I see. I like that being canon in Dracula 2000. So, yeah, we meet him as the junior antiques dealer who just buys antique antique weapons for Christopher Plumber, a, K. Matthew Van Helsing. Right. And there's another woman working there who, God help me, have no idea how she got in a film.

We talk about Jennifer Esposito, aka Solina. She is really, really bad. She, she chews the scenery saying, Hello, sir, is this the paperwork you were looking for? You're like, what are you looking at? She's just saying, they're going, don't look at the camera, don't look at the camera. And then she looks at the camera and like, licks her lips like, ugh. Because later in the movie, when she's like touching herself and, you know, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. thi. thi, thi, th. the, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she's, she's, she's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the, the, they. the, they. the, they. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, she's, her lips like, uh-uh. Because later in the movie when she's like touching herself and like, you know, like, I was like, oh, this is why they cast Jennifer Eskizito. It wasn't for her to like muster fear at any point.

For fans of Dracula, you'll be excited that this starts off on the Demeter. And then you see Dracula walking into London cut to the year 2000. And Carfax Antiques. Yeah, you'll be like, oh, that's for me a person who's read the book. And let me tell you, friends, that's the last thing for you. As a Dracula fan.

Yep, you could just turn it off right there. Because we get a shitty heist movie. Yes, in which like the only black characters in this movie are bad guys. Actually any people of color at all are bad guys. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. Somehow we went to New Orleans and didn't meet any more black people. That's a very good point. But there were like eight different Dr. Seuss hats in that airport scene, like the tall striped ones. Like I get that they were saying it was Mardi Gras and also again the turn of the Millennium was a weird time. But the entire in that crowd there were

literally eight of them. One of them was Waldo. No way. I'm glad you found him at Mardi Gras, which is clearly happening in like the swampy summer, which is not when Mardi Gras happens. And also, not to be too crass, but at Mardi Gras, there's titties. There's zero titties. There's zero titties. Everyone's throw beads in this movie. to do for what? Yeah, they can them work for it as our friend Alan. I'm just saying

historically those beads are transactional. So the heist is like we got to break into his vault. I'm sure he has expensive stuff down there because the security is insane and they figure out all the insane security measures. Including having a fake eye and a palm print. Yeah, yeah, I thought they cut off his hand at first. And then it was like, no, where did you get a glove of his hand? You know, you just put some Elmer's glue on the table and make Christopher Plummer stick his hand to it. He sleeps really soundly. So they go down there, they're like, well, we're going to steal something.

It's probably something very expensive. Let's take the coffin. But in the meantime, two of their friends have died via like incredibly archaic booby drops? Like, who's cleaning that up Van Hils I guess It's They were like can we get a little bit of Raiders the lost arc just a just a frisson of Raiders the lost arke it here. It really really is I love that Christopher Plummer super rich dude when he needs to pull a gun out he finds literally? It trys. It rea. It rea. the the thin. It th. It's th. It th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th else. I th else. I th else. I th else. I they they they they they they they they they they they they th. I I I I I th. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'll th. I'll thi. I'll thin. I'll th. I'll the. I'll thi. I'll thi. I'll the thi. I'll the else. I'll th. I'll th. I'll that Christopher Plummer, super rich dude, when he needs to pull a gun out, he finds

literally the first gun with the longest bullet you've ever seen. Which I know is supposed to be a stake for Dracula, but also take the Glock that I'm sure you have. Absolutely you do. So Omar Epps, Sean Patrick Thomas, the man of three first names. And is it just, oh Danny Masterson, get away with the, with a coffin. Yeah. We see them on a private plane. Oh, and the woman, I don't know what her name is, I'm sorry. Selena. Yes. We see them on a plane and they say they're taking it to the Cayman Islands. And I had no idea th th th th thia thia thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the, thea. thea. thi. Oh, thi. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh tho, oh tho, oh tho, oh tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tooa, too. Oh, too. Oh, too. Oh, too. Oh, thi, thi, thi, thithey say they're taking it to the Cayman Islands and I had no idea what happened in this movie.

I've never heard anything about it. I've never seen a trailer. I was like, fuck yes, we're getting like tropical Dracula, like wearing a Hawaiian shirt, some like weekend at Bernie's style shenanigans. That could have been really fun. Oh my god, Dracula, Congolon. Yes! So fun. We need to do Dracula dead and loving it at some point, the Mel Brooks Dracula movie? I have also never seen that, and it's always been a thing that I've, you know, I know I would

love and I just haven't seen it. Leslie Nielsen as Dracula? That sounds really fun too. As believe. But not as fun as tropical Dracula. Tropula? Wow. Imagine like all the like shenanigans where he like bites into a coconut and then like puts a straw into it, you know?

Or like. Dracula with braids. He bites the person in front of him. They bite the person in front of them. Sure. I mean, why have we not made this movie? Dracula with vacation bra bra bra brae. th. th. It th. It th. It th. It is th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the. It's thoen is thoes. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom is thoom is thoom. thoes. Wow. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. Wow. thoes. It's thoes. It's the. It's the. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's thea. It's thea thooooooooooooooooooooooooooeseseseseseseseseseseses. Wow. Wow. Sure. That's the conga line. I mean why have we not made this movie? Dracula with vacation braids. It's gonna be really fun for us. Which one of us is playing Dracula? Oh wait, we're making the movie? I thought so. I thought you know we could just write it

it. Where will fabulence production? Just like the West Craven in this movie? Yeah, it's right. Can we just call this? We th? We th th th th this? We th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the thi the thi? the the the the the the thic thic. It's thic. It's thic. It's th. It's th. It's th th th th th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. the thi? the the thi? the the the the thi thi the the the thri. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ence production, just like the West Craven in this movie. Yeah, that's right. Can we just call this West Craven's tropula? I mean, who cares? I describe our dynamic team of Heisters as the team of Dildos. They really are. Danny Mastersen is just impossible to watch. Even if he wasn't like a terrible, terrible human being, I find him difficult to watch. Oh yeah, yeah. I love that they go into the the Carfax Abbey like downstairs. The basement. There's all these skulls with fangs that are stuck in all these covey holes and at no point to, you know, this dude's corny. They do smash one of them though, and it's like maybe that is valuable.

I mean, if he's got real vampire skulls, people are going to pay good money for that. I know, if they met Nick Cage, you know how much he would pay for a real vampire skull, pre-bankruptcy? Marilyn Manson? Oh my god. I'm like, put it on eBay, baby. Oh, also we've seen Christopher Plummer is shooting himself up with leech blood. Oh right. That's very gross. We've also met Mary and her friend Vitamin C. They're walking around in New Orleans. They like bump into a guy with a super tight tucked in t-shirt wearing like cargo khakis and a leather belt. And he's like, ooh.

And they're like, ooh. Yeah. And I thought, God, what a terrible time. They looked at him and said, I can theoretically make out the line of your penis and those Jenko cargo bats here wearing. Yep. They were so big. What a shit-ass time for fashion. I really hope it doesn't go. I mean I know Jenko's briefly had a flirtation with coming back but... It felt like an ironic comeback, like Zubaz.

We meet Mary because she is having Dracula dreams, where she is the Dracula. Right. And sometimes her hair is a wig and sometimes it isn't, I think. Yeah. But they just not decide. And sometimes she wants to be in the wig and sometimes it isn't, I think. Yeah. But they just not decide. And sometimes she wants to be in the movie and sometimes she doesn't. Yeah.

I strongly agree with that statement. Okay, so we're back on this plane. Yeah. Where they're trying to get the casket open. Nightshade is working on it. Just kept thinking about him being like, call me Nightshade, mom, and she's like, shut up, Keith! Why don't just call you Tomato?

It's in the Nightshade family. That's it now. I didn't know that. Yeah, mm-hmm. That's when people have really bad allergic reactions to them. Yeah, mm-hmm. So he gets like a leach in the the th. th. th. th.. thmer to me. Those are the best. I know. I know. So he gets like a leech in his eye, which is gross and cool, I guess. He pulls it out and then there's leeches in the bottom of the casket so he puts his face really fucking close to look at them. No, you would not. What I love is he doesn't get a leech in his eye. He prides one off of the corpse and shoots it onto his own face with a

crowbar. That is actually, yeah, that is what happens, yeah. He is the dumbest dummy that ever dumbed. Yeah, that's sort of the problem with this movie is that nobody does anything they would actually do, and the movie did not bother to like make any sense or any effort at that. Like there are a number of times in this movie where like people wait for their enemy to say the line before the next thing happens instead of just killing them. It's like you could do that maybe once you can't do it four times. I hadn't put that together but you're a hundred% correct. You can't just like, if someone, if someone's standing over you with a weapon and you have

a free hand and they're like getting ready to say something pithy, aren't you just gonna punch them right in the nards? You gotta wait, what if it's just like such a sick burn? You're like I deserve to die. You win. You killed me twice! I actually liked Dracula upside down from the ceiling in this plain scene. I thought that was a nice touch. I like the man in the iron mass Dracula. I thought that was cool. A little nod to maybe a black Sunday. Black Sunday, yeah.

Which a far superior film of course? 2,000 percent. Dracula 2000 percent. Dracula 2000 percent. And then Gerard Butler emerges from the cargo hold wearing the duster and you're like my day is over. Having like I'm used to hair being feathered right up in the front but an entire head of feathered hair was not something I was prepared for. Same, he has so much volume. It's luxurious.

That's his real hair too, I think, right? That didn't look like a wig to me. Oh no, I think, yeah, this is pre-getting the Caesar cut for $3,000. We should really combine these two films into a film called Dracula 300. I have a lot of good movie ideas today. But him, also we forgot to mention that is he laying in his own hair in the coffin? It looked like pubs. It did look like pubs.

Yeah. And then Omar starts shouting at him, you're not from the coffin? It looked like pubs momentarily. Yeah, and then Omar Epst starts shouting at him, you're not from that coffin. And it's like was he waiting on the tarmac with you, Omar Eps? He was not. You might remember that six-foot four man that was waiting there. With no shirt in your friend's jacket. What happened to Gerard Butler in the intervening six years between this and 300? Because he looks like an, I know what it's partially the styling of 300. Sure. He looks like an old-ass fucking man in that movie and he looks like a baby-faced child in this. Doing that many crunches will probably aid you if I

had to guess. Yeah it's probably the crunches. Yeah it's probably the crunches. Yeah to get those abs. I guess I I I I the pressure. I the pressure. I the pressure. I the pressure. C c. C c. the pressure. C. C. C. C. C. C, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. to. to. to. to. the the the the. the the the. the the. the the. the. the. the. the. the. th guess. Yeah, it's probably the crunches. Yeah, to get those abs. I guess. The like pressure on his face each time he comes up is going to like, change your, change your, yeah. It is shocking to me though. How much older he looks just six years later. He's a little baby in this. Little baby Dracula. He's also not my Dracula, as I said to Missy when she was defending him as Dracula. Yeah, I don't think you can make an argument that he's anybody's Dracula. No. No. No. So we cut back to Mary, whom we had previously forgotten about already, who's talking to a priest, who was Nathan Phillyan,

with the worst haircut I've ever seen. He had a hard time in the late 90s, early 2000s. What was happening to that man? I think the push forward movement was just really hurting him. It was just really putting him in a bad place. It just looked like he had been standing in front of an industrial fan for the last like two hours. And he's, she's like, David, did my mother confess some terrible secret? Do I have some terrible secret? And he like makes her believe that he knows something.

And then he's like, actually I don't know anything. Why, you fucking jag off? So did you get from their conversation the implication that they fucked? Yes, pre his ordination. Because she said she objected to his ordination. Yeah. And I was like, oh. Because that dude boned.

He serves no purpose in this movie. I wonder if he just had all of his scenes cut or what? Yeah, you figure he would have had to have fought Dracula at some point? Right, or at least given her some bit of knowledge she could use? Because they'd literally go back to his house, aka the Church. And he's not there. He's not there. I was like, well here's where he's gonna... he's like he was out grocery shopping. On Wikipedia. the the second. the he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he. he's he's he. he's he. he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he. he. he. he. he's he's he. he's he. he. he. he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he's like he's like he's like he's like, he's like, he's he. He's he was out grocery shopping on Wikipedia. He's like the second to last person billed. Yeah I'm sorry spoiler alert Jesus is below him Oh, right. There's a flashback Jesus When that? Oh my god. Can't we just start talking about that? So we we find out from Jerry Ryan news anchor or news correspondent in the field that the plane has crashed in the swamp. He's like, he's like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they's they's they's they? they? hea? they. they's like like? hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. he's he's he's he's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. they. they. they. they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the they about that. So we we find out from Jerry Ryan news anchor or news correspondent in the field that the plane has crashed in the swamp and

all the bodies are being kept in a town hall outside of Nolent as I'll refer to it. Is this where they put the dead body on television news because you absolutely can't do that? Yeah you gotta show you. No you mm-hmm, mm-hmm. No, you really can't. And then there's a, I don't know, 20-minute scene of her cameraman talking about how all anybody wants to see or his, her boobs. Well, she's into it, though. She's like, how are my tits, though?

And the answer's great, Jerry Ryan. Yeah. Knocking him out of the park. Ryan's great. What do I know her from? Oh, she is 7 of 9 on Star Trek something or other. Hmm. Deep Space 9 maybe? I don't know. It's not that. Uh, I don't know. But I really like her in something.

I want to say she was in the O.C. I want to say she mom on the OC. That could be. Yeah. Mm-hmm. We could look it up, but I'm not gonna. Being fun. Better than knowing things.

So she and her cameraman are attacked by Dracula who can't be picked up on the cameras and it's so fucking silly. I kind of liked this when it, the first time it happens, and then they do it again, you're like, yeah, no, I know, I know. We saw it, yeah. Because the idea of her throat just being opened up with not being able to see what was doing, it was fun.

Yeah, it's fun. Until then she's in the movie, but I could not figure out what was happening in that scene. No. I'm going to need you to walk me through it if you can. Okay. So he is not a murder Dracula. So he is not a murder Dracula.

This Dracula is a make them vampire's Dracula. Yeah, I think he's a, yeah, he's trying to populate the world, Dracula, right? Right, because he hates Jesus. Oh, what does he? Well, he secretly loves Jesus. Right. So Christopher Plummer shows up in New Orleans, and I can't do it anymore. And he is followed by Simon. We, none of us could have guessed that was going to happen. in New Orleans, and I can't do it anymore, in New Orleans,

and he is followed by Simon. None of us could have guessed that was going to happen. No. And Simon's like, but you're like my dad. And Van Helsing's like, dude, I am certainly not. And that's the end of that scene. And you're like, OK. Oh, hell no. I don't even know your mom. He's like, Simon, I never loved you and I certainly never loved your mother.

Which as we know is the only way to make a baby. But when we see Christopher Plummer, a K., A.K.A. Abraham Van Helsing, spoiler alert. He's in the airport and he looks real un-healthy, but he also looks a lot like Angus Grimm from the Fantasmus Movies. You're right, he does. He really does.

So an unhealthy, Christopher Plumber is a normal Angus Grimm. Do you, that's sad for Angus Grimm. Do you like how he must have just kept giving himself a new name every generation? Yeah. I like that. I wonder what he was in between. I'm Ralph Manhelsing. It's like when, um, some, like a couple has a number of children all of the same gender, and they're down to like their sixth name on the list. You're like, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you th, you don't like, you don't like, you don't like, you don't like, you don't like, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th th th th, th th th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi all of the same gender and they're down to like their sixth name on the list and you're like, you didn't even like that one, did you? Arup? Arip? Arip? Is it a name?

Arup? Did you burp? The cat scared me while I was writing it. It was supposed to be a C? He looked like a pea. Whatever. Who cares? Also in this part, we like, we learned that Selena, we had already learned that Selena had like double-crossed Simon and Van Helsing. And now she is a vampire because she got turned by Gerard Butler, sexy, sexy Gerard Butler. And she's trying to turn Simon. And she's like, you know why I never could be with you because you wanted to talk to me all romantic like your British romanticism or something. It's like, oh God, yeah, the notoriously romantic Brits. What are you talking about movie? Listen, if Love actually taught me anything, when that dumb British dude went to America and fucked January Jones and those two other women. That's right. That's right.

Okay, you're right. Fine, fair. Just because he sounded British. I forgot all about that. So stupid. A documentary, Love Actually. Love, actually. Actually, is it? Can I ask a question about Van Helsing? Uh-huh. How does Dracula's blood keep him alive, but not like have any ill effects? Oh, he does tell us that he filters it through the leeches.

Oh, okay. That's why he's not just taken it straight from the source, he's filtering it through the leeches? Those poor leeches? th. th. th. th. th. th. Actually. Actually? Actually? Actually? Actually? Actually? Actually? Actually, the th. th. Actually, actually? Actually, actually? Actually, th, actually? Actually, actually? Actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, actually, the the th, actually, actually. th. the th, actually, actually, actually, actually. th, actually. th, actually. thi, actually. Actually, actually. th. Actually, actually. th. th. th. th. Actually, actually, actually. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the thi. thi. the the thi. thi. thi. the thi. the thi. thi. the the the thi. the the thi. the the thi. the thi. thi us that he filters it through the leeches. Oh, okay. That's why he's not just taking it straight from the source. He's filtering it through the leeches. Those poor leeches? Yeah. Are they now vampires? Because he burns everyone after he shoots up from it. Right. It's like a weird William S. And so basically the premise of this film is that, well, one of the pre the pre the pre the pre the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. thememnipeck, themse. themse. theck, theckeck. theck. theauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteauteaute. theceaute. the. the. the. the. the. the. that's the. the. that's the. that's the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. that's, the. that's, the. that's, that's, teateateateateateateateateateateateateateatea. teateateatea. that's teatea. tea. tea. so, basically, the premise of this film is that, well, one of the many premises of this film,

is that because Van Helsing fathered a child and had Dracula's blood in him, the child then has Dracula's blood. And so I was like, oh, Dracula's her real dad, and I was expecting some sort, because she has this like strained relationship with her father, they're estranged, and I thought, oh, like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the, well, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-m, thr-m-m-m-many, thre-mai thre-many, thre-many, thre-many, thr-many, I was expecting some sort, because she has this like, strained relationship with her father, they're estranged, and I thought, oh, like, that's her real dad or whatever. There's gonna be some sort of father-daughter thing. No, he wants to fuck her.

Yeah, when they're making out, oh boy. I was horrified. Literally, horrified. This movie turned on a dime for me at that point. It wasn't the anti-gravitational sex scene that happened before that with vitamin C and Dracula? That wasn't great for me either. Also not great at one point I thought Dracula started playing and then it was not Dracula. There are so many half-ass Dragulas in this movie. For one hot second you think it's gonna be Dragula and you lose your goddamn mind and then it's just like monster magnet

or something. Or or Dragula adjacent Powerman 5,000. Right! His brother is the... Rob Zombie's Bro is the singer of Fireman, or Fireman 5, forgot all about Power Man 5,000. Rob Zombies, Bro is the singer of Fireman, or Fireman 5,000. Fireman 2,000, Dracula returns. That's it, they are Fireman 2000 for your own house. For the troops, Fireman 2000. To be fair, as soon as we're done recording this episode, I'm going to again forget about them for the next 15 years. I feel the exact same way about Monster Magnet.

I don't, I really, I just remember the name, that's all. They had that song where they said, motherfucker twice in the chorus. Hmm. Motho fucker, mothfucker. I'll look at it later. No, please don't. I won't. I mean, I know you weren't going to. But... Some of this I couldn't figure out if it was the old new metal of the time or if it was just like

generic new metal and they just really couldn't get music. You know what I mean? No, it's, I mean it's all, it's Pantera, Power Man 5,000, I'm sure, Marilyn Manson. Oh wow. Yeah, they're all in there. Monster Baghdad as we aforementioned. The song at the end is that Lincoln Park song that begins with, I cannot take this anymore.

And as soon as I heard that line, I was like, you and me both, motherfuers, just turned the TV off. It was really, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the, the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the th. And, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. th. th. th. the. th. th. the the the. the the the the their, their, the the the TV off. It was really, oh boy. Thank you, Chester and Company for giving me an out from this movie. Seriously, but Dracula hears the new medal and says, brilliant, and I thought, fuck, this movie is the reason Queen of the Damned exists. Isn't it? Yeah, Dracula loves the new... I always forget about that part of that movie where Dracula is in a crypt-hears New Medal. I was like, oh, oh that's what I'm talking about. I mean, it should not shock me that there are two Dracula movies made in two years that both reference New Medal in the early 2000s, but I'm still I am shocked. He loves Monster Magnet because the video playing on the side of the Virgin Mega Store is so bloody and sexy.

His two favorite things. How much money did Virgin give to this movie? A lot, a lot of money. So much exposure. Oh playing some pre-CDs for the crew. I'll tell you what though, baby teas were a great thing of that era. I love a baby tea. Those women are all rocking their baby teas. I might be off the mark with this, but Justine Waddell, aka Mary, was just a little bit too old to be rocking the fashion she was rocking, or had never worn clothes like that before in our life and just looked unbelievably uncomfortable in the moment. She did seem very uncomfortable.

And there's, it was weird because vitamin C is like very of the era clothes. Yeah, and Mary is wearing like elastic waistband jeans. Yeah, like elastic waistband coolots and open-doed sandals. Slide sandals, man. Sliad sand. I would like to take a moment to celebrate the fun that Omar Epps was having with this movie. When he comes back as a vampire and he's attacking Simon, Simon pulls out the cross, and Omar Reps goes, I'm an atheist.

Yeah, he does play a great villain like that. He also, like, there's a, the implication in this movie because he meets up with him again later with Simon again later. And Simon doesn't recognize him because he's wearing sunglasses. It's like, would you really not recognize a vampire you've stabbed in the face because they're wearing sunglasses? But the movie presupposes that you would. I also like that he stabbed him in the eye with the cross,

because it has a knife that shoots out of the bottom of it. And he says, God loves you anyway. Yeah. And later when we meet Omar Epps again, he just has an everlasting gobbstopper stuck in his eye. Yeah. The God loves you anyway line is one of those ones where he like paused for, you know, to let him say it. He's like, I won't kill you while you burn me. Okay, now you kill me. So Dracula goes to the Virgin Mega Store.

Whatever. Well, this, he also is walking around Mardi Gras and his people are throwing coins and beads, he has a flashback to some other coins hitting the ground. Dunt-tah. Oh, that's right. Okay. Whatever. The first time I watch this movie, I believe I yelled, don't do this movie.

Mm-mm. I just don't. Okay, wait, we're not there yet. First I want to talk about the Virgin Megastore. Tell me about his experience walking into the Virgin Megastore. Everyone's panties are so fucking wet. Women are like biting their lips and like running their finger down their faces. They are so fucking horny for Gerard Butler wearing a duster with no shervan. There's an audible sound of panties hitting the floor when it comes in.

It's like, women are... on. There's an audible sound of panties hitting the floor when it comes in. It's like, women are, here's a thing for the kids, they're at listening stations. Do you remember this? I remember thinking it was like the most amazing technology. I remember I worked to the borders around like 95 and it was like, oh shit we we've got listening stations, look the fuck out. Amazing. This one's got toe the wet sprocket and lit. Oh, toed the wet sprocket. The drummer was so short. He was a tiny little guy. Yeah, I like that he was the drummer and the little guy.

Yeah. So yeah, he walks in, he, all the ladies go ape. Vitamin C comes down the escalator, which should be called the sex-calator when she's coming down to see him, and goes, whoa. Yeah. Why is Lucy always so stupid? I know that that's just her role. Yeah. God, she's stupid. It's also in the scene that we see, it's also in this scene that we see that she has a little whale tail.

It's like not focused on. It's not part of the film. It's just normalizing whale tail. Let's not focus on on. It's not part of the film. It's just how she was dressed. It's just normalizing Whale Tale. Let's not focus on it. Oh my God. Terrible look that is. I mean, it's no different than just seeing someone's tidy whiteies hanging out over their underwear or over their pants.

Because there's butt cheek in there. So she brings him back to her house the their their their their their hea. hea. hea. hea. he's he's he's he's their their their their their their th. th. th. th. there. There's skin cheek. So she brings him back to her house even though he's clearly a sex pest. Also she, she's down to fuck Dracula. Yeah. And he's talking about names or whatever. And then she just goes, I was named after the Peanuts character. And then I felt bad because my Lucy kind of is too. I wish when they started fucking you just heard, ba da da da da da da da na na na na'a.

Because they do, they start fucking, and this scene that you know someone was like, oh shit, I'm about to rock your fucking world, because they roll off the bed and then float up to the ceiling like they're in the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they're, thi, thi, thi, they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, I they're, and they're, and thi, and th and th and th and th and th and th, th, thin, th, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thisiszy-s, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, this'''e, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, th rock your fucking world, because they roll off the bed and then float up to the ceiling, like they're in the fizzy lifting drinks room and really walk out. Oh God, and Dracula bites her right at what seems to be his point of climax, which was so fucking uncomfortable. So fucking uncomfortable.

It's... He's like, ugh! It's... It's so dumb. I'm sorry I'm laughing so much, but good grief. It's just from this point, I'm laughing so much but good grief. It's just from this point, I was going to say from this point on the movie is just absolutely bad shit, but it's really actually from well before this.

I can't remember why I have a note, but I just have a note that says Dracula is corny when he's like talking to Lucy before they fuck. Oh yeah, he's being very like dark and mysterious man. Yeah. But Lucy's down for it. She likes it. And then so he makes her basically one of his brides with Selena and the woman from Jerry and Jerry Ryan. Jerry Ryan. When like later Mary's in her apartment and she sees, you know, Lucy who she knows and Selena who she doesn't, like, I wondered if she looked at her and was like, hey, are you the lady on your channel for news? What if just like all of a sudden Sally Wiggin was in your house but she was doing higher? You know what I'm saying? Oh shit, Jerry Ryan's and you're yelling at me, this is great. Yeah.

So they've killed her dad, I guess, right? Oh yeah, because it was... Christopher Plummer shows up and Mary's house and immediately runs upstairs and and Dracula kills him. This is where they have the weird like mirror scene because Dracula throws him into the mirror. Okay. But I don't know.

There was like, they were like, they were like, oh, look a mirror, check it out. So I think what I thought was happening was that this was like a flashback to another time. Van Helsing was like standing behind Dracula, but there was just a mirror in front of him because he couldn't see his own reflection, he thought that Van Halsing was in front of him, so he goes towards him.

And then Van Housen gets him from behind, but then something bad, something happens and it like turns back around on Van Helsing. So that's right. This is where we see the flashback where they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the using the mirror trick that you just laid out and then they stab him a bunch of times with really long dagger pole things, one of which goes into Van Helsing infecting him with the Dracula blood. That's what happened. Okay, I might have been having a second screen experience at that time and I just missed the end of that scene. But I did like the mirror effect. I thought that was like a cool idea. Yeah, that's a really th th that's a really th th th that's a really th. That's a really th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. th. the the the the the the the the the their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. teat. tea. tea. tea.a. tea.a.a. tea.a.a. tea. toge. te. te. the. the. te. that scene. But I did like the mirror effect. I thought that was like a cool idea. Yeah, that's a really smart way to outsmart a vampire. Yeah, it's probably like one of the few

good ideas in this movie, so I think we should celebrate it where we can. I did like when he poked it and you could tell like IRL he's poking nothing. There's nothing that's being poked. And but it still like shatters the mirror. It just like cracks under his fingernail. Well, his fingernails are very powerful though. He uses them to great effect in this movie. And so Simon and Mary have met up and are like falling in love or something. I don't know, I don't care. And he's talking about, Simon is like, Mary, you've got to do this. You've got to do that. And it's like Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon, th, th, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. C. C. C. C. C. C. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thei. And, thei. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, like, like, thi. C. C. And, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. C. And, to do this you've got to do that and it's like Simon you found out about vampires yesterday like fucking

relax you're not the expert you also found out about Mary yesterday and now you are willing to literally die for her. Yeah just because like your dad her dad was like gave you a job I have a lot of bosses whose daughters I would not die for in my life. It's just this, oh my God, this movie, it just doesn't think about anything. Like they're in the library. She runs out of the library because Dracula's there. She runs into the cemetery. The fuck would you run into the cemetery for if Dracula's chasing you? It is my favorite cemetery in America, if that's any... That's great, but I don't think you have to pass through the cemetery when you leave the

library like it's a gift shop. She's literally just suddenly in it. It's like, but why? This is where Dracula and Simon are having the fight where Dracula is just slow-mo, throwing Simon around the library. The pacing of this movie is so weird too. Because Simon doesn't find out about vampires until like halfway through the movie. Yeah, yeah.

And then you get to this point, you're like, well, this has to be almost over, and it is not, because they are going to this point, and you're like, well, this has to be almost over. And it is not, because they are going to bombshell you. Oh, shit. Can we talk about something that I really enjoyed? What's that? When Dracula comes running out of somewhere, and he starts like loping? And you're like, why the fuck is Gerard Butler? Oh, he's starting into a wolf, jumps out of this doorway, and Simon shoots him with the

long bullet gun, and he turns into a hundred bats and flies away. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Somehow I did not see that. Oh no! Was it cool? It was, yeah, it was really fun. I like the idea of a wolf just being made up of a bunch of bats. I mean aren't all animals just a bunch of smaller animals stuck together? Trying to sneak into an Rated movie. Yeah, aren't we just like eight cats?

If you shoot a long bulleted me, I just't know, the women are wearing like two thousands of white prom dresses. Don't forget that Mary can suddenly read Aramaic. Why can she read Aramaic? Because as she says, I got the Dracula in me or something. Oh, that's right. She does say that. Also, no, please. When Dracula and Simon are fighting, and he knees the Bible in its spine and it shoots all of its pages at Dracula. That's not how it works.

That's not how it works. And then Dracula is just like wax on and wax off, smacking the pages away. Then all the time Dracula's crying. You're like, please don't do this. Dracula doesn't cry. Oh, oh. Like, here's where a bunch of things are revealed. That, first of all, he does not think of himself as Mary's father, and second of all, he's fucking Judas.

Oh. He's fucking Judas. I can't... I can't... I think I was so hung up on the daughter thing, you know? Yeah. You know? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That took me by such surprise think I was so hung up on the daughter thing that I missed the Jesus thing, you know? That took me by such surprise that I'm... for fuck's sake, you know? To introduce her to his past, he somehow transports her into a Jodasy music video, filled with white linens and flowing things and unbuttoned

shirts and big pants. Is Jodisi one of the top musical artists we've discussed on this podcast? I hope so. They're just such a particular brand of what Jodisi is that like, you know what I'm talking about. It smells of an air off for sure. You're gonna be wearing overalls. One of the sides is gonna be off, showing a little nipple. But so he's got, there's like flowing sheets that turn from white to red as she's bitten and taken back in time to see that he's fucking Judas is scary.

And she's like, the cross, the silver, the coins, the cross, the cross, the Jesus, the silver, the coins, the cross, the Jesus. They're on this roof where there's a big neon Jesus. And that Jesus has the most like peculiar expression on his face. For sure. He looks like he's saying like, listen guy, give it a rest. We're all just here having a good time, okay? Can you just knock it off? It looks like someone just said, I'm gonna beat your ass and Jesus went, are you? Are you? And the reason we can have all these feelings about what kind of expression he's making is because we see him for so much of the final scenes of this movie so many of

them are focused on his face I get it he's Jesus. But it's totally of that school of Jesus that's like beach bum Jesus it's not like... Yeah. Party Jesus was a party guy. He truly was. I not like... Party, Jesus. Look, Jesus was a party guy. He truly was. I feel like Jesus' party side doesn't get enough hype. He turned that water into wine. It wasn't fucking around.

Jesus partied with sex workers. He was like, well, let's make some wine and hang out. Let's see what's on the boob tube, just chill for a while. Let's Netflix and chill. So Mary, oh go on. Please, no please, I want you to describe this to me. So Mary has been turned into a vampire, I guess during the neck suckling. Because just a touch from Dracula makes you a vampire. There's no waiting period. And so

the Dracula's like, oh let me do it into our Butler's Dracula voice. I save that guy over there for you. That's your guy? Go. That's your guy over there. Psst. Pst. It almost seemed like maybe they just like couldn't get fangs to fit his mouth. So they were like, don't open your mouth when you talk and no one will notice. His teeth are like outrageously large like in his mouth. Yeah. With the fake fang things. It makes him look like he's smirking all the time.

Like he looks, he reminds me a bit of Ken Marino this movie is facially, but his serious face looks like Ken Marino's smirking face. And it's just very off-putting to think of him as Dracula. I feel the same way about Gerard Butler. So Mary pulls the old Dracula fake out where she bites her own mouth and pretends that she's bitten Simon. And then Simon can turn on Lucy and Jerry Ryan and Selena. And they can all have a big fight. He's throwing plants at them.

Salina is the worst shot ever. She misses him like 500 times. And meanwhile, Dracula and Mary start having this flip fight? Yeah, also very, very, very, very, very, very matrixy. Like, the one of them will run up a wall and the other one just like flip up on top of them to be kicked away at a later time. I just don't understand how, why, or why. I mean it makes you appreciate the fight choreography of The Matrix and Atomic Blonde and all that stuff. Absolutely, yeah. No one put a single bit of thought into any of this movie. So Mary realizes,

through the flashback she saw that Juice Is Scary, it was hung, that she needs to hang him again. And this time it'll kill him. It seemed like he was out of guilt, tried to hang himself, and but God was like, no, you have to be a vampire because that's your punishment. So he like made the rope break. Mm-hmm. That's dumb as hell. Jesus, if you could come here here for a second, you literally have

a whole dominion where you punish people for eternity. That's your thing. Yeah, like... Well, I guess it's not your thing, it's your enemy's thing, but just give them to the enemy. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you work with them, obviously, like... You guys know one another. You're on speaking to be co-workers. Yeah.

So she hangs him from the crucifix amid a shower of sparks, which sounds like it should be exciting but isn't. I can't tell you how much I hate the fact that when the sun comes up and right before he goes, I release you. When she falls it hits the sidewalk and it's obviously a pad and it like flops. And it's so funny. Yeah. We're like, nope, good, done.

But he catches on fire and the sun and is swinging there on fire with his arms out in the Jesus Christ pose. So subtle. So artful, so artful, so tactful. And she, but then she looks sad. She's like, oh I'm so sad that my father, lover, enemy is dead. Whee, now I wear leather pants. And her and Simon are like the protectors of what's left of Dracula. Q2 sequels to this movie. No shit. No shit. No shit. No shit. protectors of what's left of Dracula. FU- off. Q2 sequels to this movie.

No shit. No shit. Yeah. Direct a video. Fuck off. Because this movie was a, uh, elbom. In the theaters. I, I don't believe that for a moment.

My God, Alan. See, this is why I knew there was a good idea to bring you Dracula 2000. So basically you were like, I'm going to ruin Katie's Saturday afternoon so we can have fun on Sunday. Uh-huh. Yeah. Worth it. Katie. I absolutely do. You go first because you fucking love it. Made me watch it. It's my third time watching it.

God, you're joking. You watched it twice of your own accord. Sorry, just my second time watching it. Forgive me. But I'll give it a three for the third time that I'll never watch this movie. It's not the worst movie we've ever done by a long shot. There was a review that I saw a bit the to to to to to to to the effect to the effect the effect to the effect the effect to the effect the effect to the effect the effect to the effect the effect the effect to the effect the worst movie we've ever done by a long shot. There was a review that I saw a bit that said something to the effect of Dracula has been through many things like being turned into a breakfast cereal and a Sesame Street character, and none of them are as bad as what this movie does to Dracula.

No. Well, you know, I take Umbridge at the idea that the count is bad, so. Or Count Jocula. I love them. Yeah, yeah, fuck that. Those are so much better than this movie. They are. Yeah, yeah. What do you think?

What are you going to give it a red poop from too much Frankenberry? Ooh, booberry will give you a good green poop though, all that blue. Oh man, yeah, I think that's a quality thing to give this, a booberry, yeah. Katie, you know what else's quality? What? Our patrons on Patreon. Oh, I love you guys. I would like to review a message from

Joe Bear McDonald! Hi, Joe Bear McDonald. He got the name Joe Bear by being a fat guy that literally sounds like someone constantly faking being sick to get out of physical labor. I like you, Joe. Fun fact about me. I lived in Forks Washington for three years and every single person who lives there hates those books and movies, but they need the tourist dollars since logging fizzled out.

Love you both. You make Monday's rule. Joe Bear MacDonald. Thank you Joe Bear McDonald. What a lovely thing to do to support us and just to write us a nice little thing too. It's a, ah, you fucking guys. And for those who are dumb like me, I had to look up that Forks is where the Twilight franchise. Twilight? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mm. No one argued that I'm not a dummy. Who is traveling there to see where Twilight is? Never mind. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. Yeah, thi th. Yeah, th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. Yeah. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. traveling there to see where Twilight is? Never mind. Come on, you know the answer to this.

Why did I start? The same people that are trying to find Hogwarts. For fuck's sake. At least Forks, Washington exists. Let's give it that. Yeah, at least Dracula's are real. I think those woods are, I mean, if it's filmed, if that's where it's filmed, although I bet it's filmed in Vancouver, I don't know, forget it. It's beautiful. I've never been to the Pacific Northwest, have you? Oh yeah, many, many months ago. I kind of get myself there. It is beautiful, I think you would love it. I think I'd like to see some tall trees. Seeing Redwoods is amazing. Yeah, I bet. It is like, it is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. I th. I th. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. It's beautiful. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. It's th. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, I thi. It's beautiful, I thi. It's thi. It's beautiful, I thi. It's thi. It's beautiful, I thi. It's thi. I thi. I th. I thes. Seeing Redwoods is amazing. Yeah, I bet. It is like, oh shit, you're like

dinosaurs, but tree style. Yeah. Katie. Alan. What are we going to give these people something nice to watch this time? I hope so. I haven't seen it yet, but we are going to to do the new 2020 Russian film, Sputnik, because Rob said he would watch it with me, and he really wants to see it. And I'm tired of watching shitty movies alone in my house, so I'd rather watch one that got good critical reviews with a loved one. That sounds really nice. Yeah, well, you can do it tootoo. I know yeah, Missy often sits and like does stuff next to me while I'm watching these terrible movies. Poor Rob, he used to and now he's just like no I'm not. I'm leaving. He just goes into another room. Yeah.

I'm alone. I usually say hey, my shame. Do you want to watch Idol Hands or Dracula 2000? I guess I'll watch Dracula 2000. I don't want to watch Idle Hands. So yeah, Sputnik, and there's also something fun on the horizon I think you guys are really going to enjoy. Yeah, we'll tell you about it next week. Yeah, mm-hmm. So get at us on the internet. Yeah, if you want to support us, you can't it's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. to. I. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. t. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. us on the internet? Yeah, if you want to support us, you can. It's Patreon.com, back slash, World Ambulance. Please feel free to do so, but also feel free not to.

If you don't want to or can't afford to, we don't care. Thanks everyone. You guys are great. We love you more if you left us a review. So if you can leave us a review, please. Thank you very much. Five stars only. Thank you. Although if you want to do a five stars review, but accidentally do a four stars review and then don't finish your review and then go the book end segment we could do. Yeah, those I mean, those ones are right themselves. So give us some material. We work hard for you. I wonder because people just listen to these episodes willi. They're not. T th. Those. Those. Those. Those. Those. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. Those th. th. th. th. th. th. Those th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the th. the th. the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. because people just listen to these episodes willy-nilly, they're not following the storyline of Katie and Allen over seven years. Right. So if like, you listen to the one where we reveal the full review for that and then like later you're like, oh no shit, all right, that's where that came from.

Yeah, I guess the problem with our show is that because it's not, you know, episodic where you would listen to every single episode, there's probably a lot of jokes that people are just like, fuck you, stop saying that. I don't know the genesis of it, you know? But then one day they're going to be like, holy shit, that's the first time they saw called someone a Dildo. Now I get it. They think they think they think They they they they think they think they think they think they think they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went went went went went went went went went went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went they went back back back back back back back they went back back back they went back back to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to their their their they they they they they they they they they they they were like I guess I'll love one listen to that episode now. I did think that people should go back and listen to the Warlock episode because it was the recently was the anniversary of that movie being released. Oh, that's episode one. Yeah, our inaugural episode. I wonder if it's funny. I'll never, I'll never find out. I'll never know. It's funny enough that people who listen to it stuck with us. Yeah, well they were mostly like our friends who were stuck with us. That's true. Thanks for those initial 50 people or whatever it was that were downloading that.

We were so scared. I know. All right. Thanks for listening to another episode of Wearable Ambulance. Bye. Bye. Bye. Mady acts in on dead pools, Savini's sightings at the pool. No way to wait, Finland's to fulfill reviews. Killing clouds and laugh the face.

King Emily in outer space. A appearance I've asked in case. Please make a good in your grave. E&T. EFT. A morale comedy reviews, hungry, Brian, from Wayne's and Stephen King. END. We live deliciously bad temperatures, obese, crazily come to Daddy. A paranormal act of duties from Mr. Rogers city. EFT. EFT.