Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 359- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (2011)

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

In this week's episode, we're discussing the last "Twilight" film. No, not the last one ever made but ABSOLUTELY the last one we are ever reviewing. Hallelujah, holy shit, where'e the Tylenol? Special topics for your consideration include: completely rethinking our previous stance on teens, Kenny Fisher, continuing the skaversation with our brand new ska band, a very frank conversation with Stephanie Meyer, TNG-level makeup and the fact that THIS IS NOT EVEN A MOVIE. It isn't. Oh, and this might be our most NSFW episode in awhile. Sorry about that. We talked about "Twilight" in Episode 355. We made some episodes before that and a few after, I don't know, I can't remember. I feel so empty. Twilight is the final ruiner. Find us online: Support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance-- this month's theme is "A Very Merry Dolph-mas" featuring a film from the catalog of everyone's favorite Swedish chemical engineer, Dolph Lundgren. Buy merch for yourself or those you love at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance on Twitter @werebulance on Instagram @werewolfambulance. [e-mail] If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down. Werewolf Ambulance is a horror movie comedy podcast.  

Alan, Katie, let's get the unfun business out of the way at the top. First of all, you're a today. Alan, Katie. Let's get the unfun business out of the way at the top. First of all, you're a fan of the Twilight series, and you're going to come at us for not understanding what's going on in this movie, because we didn't watch the ones in between, and we're not totally immersed in the mythology in the mythology in the mythology in the mythology in the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, and the mythology in the mythology, and the mythology, and the mythology in the mythology in the mythology, and the mythology, and the the the th, and th, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi series and you're going to come at us for not understanding what's going on in this movie because we didn't watch the ones in between and we're not totally immersed in the mythology of this series, don't add us, don't come at us, we don't care. Okay, that's the first thing. Yeah, I mean basically if you're Stephanie Myers, we don't want to hear it. We don't want to hear from you. Actually I do, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the to the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thus, their tho, tho, tho, tho-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the mythology, the m m m m m m m m m mrs the mrs the mrs the mrs the mrs. the the the mir the the the myth, the myth, the mothe, the motho, tho, tho-s, tho-s, thoananananitoanito-s, thoanitoanito-s, thoanito-s, thoanito-s, tho-s, questions for you. Steph, get in touch. Steph, no. Second, I'm going to say some things about abortion. And if you don't want to hear my opinion on it, again, hang up the phone.

Okay. Because I'm going to talk about it. I love it. And that's it. That's my unfunny business. The world is in shambles, so I'm a little off. I'm gonna get wild. Katie, this leads perfectly into the little thing that I'd like to do that's part of the unfunny business at the beginning of this.

Okay. I want to give out a phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Good. This is the time of year we are certainly not living under that number is 800273 8255 can you give that to me one more time 800273 85 the national suicide prevention lifeline also if you if you just give that a gouge yeah they have a chat online option if you prefer not to make a phone call and just talk to somebody that way. That's wonderful. Reach out, you are not alone. Yeah. We love you. Yeah. Katie. Yeah. Let's get into

talk about this movie with a game. Okay. Okay. I do want to just say that. I was crying 15 minutes ago about a variety of things and then I just looked up at Alan and said, now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now I to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toeeee. to to to the. the. the. the. the. ths and then I just looked up at Alan and said, and now I have to talk about Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1. Meanwhile, I'm just burping wings sauce and be like, oh, we don't do that. That's right, that's exactly what Alan was doing. Well, yeah. It's time for that burp. Shity friend. Just don't do this to yourself. I'd like to play a game. We're gonna play a game for New Moon and Eclipse,

which are the two movies betwixt Twilight and Breaking Dawn Part 1, which we watch. In that order. So New Moon and Eclipse. Got it. Wait, was the first one just Twilight? Twilight, yes. Okay. It seems like something I should have known.

I think they're calling it Twilight true statements and one false. Okay. And you tell me which one's the false statement. Oh my god, I can't wait. Is there more than one of these of these get questions? Yeah, well there's one for New Moon and one for Eclipse. Okay. I just wanted to like know how excited to get. Yeah, and I figured this might give you a little backstory about what we missed. The mythology of this series is deep and confusing. I did what can be only called an extremely shallow dive into the Wikipedia pages to get this information. Okay.

So here's my first. Two truths and a lie. Yes, is this a truth or a lie? Edward is forced to protect Bella by shoving her out of the way, then doing the same to Jasper. Bella lands into a table full of glass calling, causing her arm to breed, bleed copiously. The Cullins can't control their instinct to consume human blood and they start to lose control, except for Carlisle who treats her arm. Is that true or false? You can wait to the end for the... I think I'd like to do a comparison. Okay here's... Okay, but I'm leaning towards true, I have to say.

The second factor falsehood. Okay. Bella punches one guy in a fit that forces him to change into a wolf which then forces Jacob that he's th is is is is is is is th is th is th is th is th is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin thin thin thin thin thin the. I's the. I's the. I's thi. I the. I the. I the. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I'm the. I the. I the. I theeeat theat theat theeeateeeeeeat theeeateeeateeate. I the. I the he's also a wolf and Bella alerts his secret. I have one quick question. Yeah. What's a wolf? A wolf? Killer wolf. A killer wolf. That's a Delaware wolf. It's a wolf. Okay and my third, truth or fact. Truth or falsehood. It is hinted at in this film that there is a herd of sentient ponies called the smithertens who can transform into humans and are known to hang out at the local mall food court stealing wheat grass and orange chicken and smoking cigarettes that they call pony puffers. That can't be real. Is that real? So what is the lie? I think a true, true false. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. That. That that. That that. That that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thens. That's thens. That's thens. That's thi thi thi th is th is th is th is th is th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. the, the, the, the is the lie? True, true false. Yeah.

Oh, God, thank God. The orange chicken put it over the edge, honestly, it was too specific. Is it when I was just waiting outside for the guy with the samples on the toothpick? Two things I loved about making this up. One says it's hinted at and then I give a lot of very specific details. Yeah, just a little bit of a, just an insinuation that they're smoking wheatgrass, what?

They're stealing wheatgrass and orange chicken and smoking cigarettes that they call pony puffers. Pony puffers. Yeah, that's too specific. Oh God, I'm going to start calling cigarettes pony puffers, yeah that's too specific. And two is... Oh God, I'm gonna start calling cigarettes pony puffers, though, for no fucking reason. Two, that the Smithertens are ponies that can transform into humans, not the other way around. Which made me very happy. Not horses, either, not like beautiful majestic beasts. Just little ponies. That transform into people to hang out at the mall. Yeah. I love

the Smilertens. Imagine if you had to, if you trans, like you could do this amazingly transformative thing, but it was only to do the most mundane thing. It's amazing. Smithertens. Okay, so this is new moon. So now we're on to eclipse. That was new moon. That was new, and this is eclipse. They do sound like a ho-guise. Why are these all moon things when it's not really about werewolves, or is it? Because it's called Twilight. So Twilight gets a new moon.

I don't know. Twilight? I don't know. All right, sorry. Give us a call. What would have been twilight, a little darker. Twilight, not quite there yet. Okay, I'm ready. The Cullins and the wolves overcome their differences to fight other vampires. Okay, that seems very realistic to me.

Edward turns to Bella at one point and says, Have you heard of soaking? Before some were were wolves or some shit interrupt them from getting to their much-needed climax. The Cullins and the Quillute wolves, meanwhile, destroy her army, though Jacob is injured, saving Leah Clearwater from a newborn. From a newborn? I assume vampire, but like that it was just from a newborn. From a newborn?

I assume vampire, but it was just left in newborn. That can't be a newborn vampire because there's only been one born ever. And which we find out next week? On Twilight. Well, which one of them do you think is the lie? I'm the one about soaking. Yeah, of course it was. I like you couldn't even be bothered to say it with conviction.

I really blew it all in Smithertons. Smithertens. I really went hard to paint on the panels. I had some other falsehoods that were like derogatory about the people cast in this movie. And I was like, just be fun. Just be fun. You know, we're going to be mean. Oh yeah, we're going to tear, the fuck the fuck tap tap the fuck to be mean, we're going to be mean, the fuck to be mean, to be mean, the fuck to be mean, but to be mean the fuck to be, because I have no respect for this one.

I don't know, I might have some stuff to say about a fucking Jacob. He's not a real person, it's okay. Yeah, I think they're calling vampires that have been turned newborns. Oh, I see. Like Jasper would be a toddler. Got it. And that's why he's so horned up for blood. He's just so horned up for blood. When he showed up again in this movie, I was like, maybe he'll get to talk, does he?

He's like, no, I gotta go car. And then he was like, I gotta go car. He's a car. He just gets an thus Barbie car to try it away. He's a toddler. Oh my God. Oh, Katie. Alan. Kady, Katie.

I'm so sorry. This is truly one of the worst cinematic experiences of my entire life. What I love is that the cast of this movie also hates this movie. I mean, this is not even a movie. Yeah, yeah. I understand that it's part four of a five-part series and also part one of a part-two-part series, two-part series. Yeah. But like like it's

still a movie you should be able to sit down and watch a movie for sure not a fucking thing happens what not a fucking thing happens this movie starts off with something very important happening 40 minutes of a wedding Jacob is sad why is he sad because he loves Bella and she's going with the vampire. Yeah. She's getting married today with the vampire. Oh right, is that what he's mad about? He sees the wedding invitation? Yeah, and he runs out of his house. His clothes explode off of him and he shoots into the woods as a CGI wolf? Do you think he used to get new v-necks of the woods fully closed and I was like do they shoot back on? Yeah, do they shoot back on? Oh, that's right because then we see Bella's mom

Seeing her wedding invitation and she turns to Phil they're living at the beach I thought Phil fucking made the big leagues Phil did it good for you Phil you fill you mother fucker No note number two hell. Yeah, faiver person in this movie because we never even it's clearly not the same th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the th. the the th. th. they. they. they. they. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. they. te. te. th. th. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. th, Phil! Phil! Favorite person in this movie. Because we never even, it's clearly not the same actor, because you don't even see his face. Like, it's amazing. There's like a blockheaded soul patch in the background. That's all you see of Phil. I love it. Phil.

Phil, Phil's the hero we didn't know we needed. Yeah. Phil is when your only the character, can care about is a man who's shot from behind with no lines for one scene in the opening of the film, it's bad. It's a bad look. Hell yeah, Phil! I don't even want to fuck her dad in this one because he gets all like, I'm a cop and I have a gun and it's like, that's a real turn off. The first movie I believe we referred to as relationship red flags it should have been called to instead of Twilight. This one should just be called toxic masculinity. Yeah the whole thing sucks. If that's too woke for you go

fucking take a hike. Yeah please just hang up the phone. Yeah because when we get into abortion talk I'm gonna lose your goddamn you're not gonna like it. You're not gonna like what I have to say. So the wedding is tomorrow. to. So. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the to. I. I. I. the. I. to. to have to say. So the wedding is tomorrow. The wedding is tomorrow. She's 18, by the way. She's eight, he's a hundred and seven or something. It's fucking gross. Yeah, but still a virgin. Yeah, how does he never? Because vampires can fuck other vampires. vampires in those hundred and five years. Oh because of Jesus I guess? Wait, no? I don't know. Why is that guy never brought up? I thought vampires hated the Lord. That's a good point. Yeah. Do you like how somebody just hung a dream

catcher above Bella's bed and she's like, yay someone else has been in my bedroom? Yeah. This poor woman? The poor child? And she's This poor woman, this poor child. This poor child, she's a baby. So, so we like quickly cut to Bella and Edward having this conversation in her bedroom the night before their wedding. That he has snuck into once again. Again, this is her father's home. Be fucking respectful. He's taken. Any other movie we've ever talked about we're like teens fucking do whatever you want. Yeah, these movies? These chased-ass movies have like, man has flipped the script entirely.

I have a question. Yeah. Is Jacob also ancient or is he just a teen like her? He's just a teen. If she was fucking him, it wouldn't bother me as much. No, not at all. Not at all. Not even just an old man. A grotesquely old man. I've never seen Jacob.

theyme Jacob. No. We're team Jacob? Definitely not. No. Because when he's acting later, I'm just like, why? How? Who? I'm team, Bella, go get your associates degree and become a dental hygienist and live a quiet life. Yeah, I'm team. Phil. Go have a conversation with your stepdaughter and tell her what's right. Why doesn't Phil come to the wedding, do you think? He was there? Was he? Yeah, that's when you could see the blurry soul patch with the blockhead in the background. I just saw him in that opening scene

where he's standing looking on the porch and they shoot him only from behind. He's like, opening season, spring training, got to go. There, no, he's a, yeah. the, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, th, th. the, the, yeah, yeah, yeah, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the, the, the his final secrets before getting married and it's that he used to kill men. Yeah but only bad. Only he was only into dudes which is a thing he needs to tell her. And she's immediately like you probably saved more lives than you killed. Right. Definitely because like you killed murders so you like save more lives than you took so like you're actually like a hero. She has the most rose-tinted goggles on that have ever existed. What is the deal? He sucks. He has

the charisma of like, I don't know. Katie. Like, she's literally a woman that when she's excited walking down the aisle at her wedding, she looks like she's going, do I have diarrhea? Do I have diarrhea? Can they hear the gurgles? Do I have diarrhea? He's a fire hydrant. He's nothing. But she's an Ottoman? Why are we doing this? Because I want to see a baby get ripped out of somebody and I don't even get that satisfaction. Yeah I feel like I got a bill of goods on this one. Same Z's. Apparently in the book it's much more graphic. Well I'm not reading a book. No. I'm not doing a fucking book podcast, am I? I want to look in the mirror and see someone like you, a very creepy old man. Fuck you! And then she asks if he's going to

have strippers at his bachelorette party. I will continue to call it. Go. It's fine. Do vampires have struper? Would a vampire? Vampires have strupers? I guess. I don't know. He jumps out the the window where his two two two two two two tie b b b b b b b. I th. th. I th. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Doe. Do. Do. Do.? I guess. I don't know. He jumps out the window where his two buddies, one formerly sideways-headed brother of his and the other one I'm assuming was Jasper. Or someone. In the intervening movies, prom night guy, he spent all his time in the gym. He's got the rock shoulders. He's inflated like he's been pumped full of air at the gas station. But that white face makeup flattens his face so much that he looks like a action figure? You remember when that a person was cleaning the portrait of Christ and accidentally wiped the face off?

Monkey Jesus. And then true it back on? Most beautiful and pure thing in the world. He looks like that. Yeah, he looks like the water racist face was like, oh no! And they had to draw, he the the the the the the the the the the the they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're the same. they're their. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. the face. He the face. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the world. He looks like that. He looks like I want to erase his face with like, oh no! And I had to draw it back on because he's just like, hey, every time they show him in the background. It's true, he's just like a nose on top of a blank palette. With the arched eyebrows. The arched eyebrows. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It out the window to be with them and they're like, hoo-ah! And like pinching each other's nipples and butts and stuff. And I'm like, we're just doing grab-ass vampires now? You're 117! Get over it! Like, ball-tapping each other.

Like, you are literally elderly. Mushroom stamp. So, speaking of makeup, Bella then has this dream where she walks down the aisle and when she turns around, there's a pile of corpses, all of her people. And when she turns back around, there's like some maybe bad vampires, who I presume we're in an earlier movie. Those are the Volturi. Okay. They're the Council of Bad Vampires. They'd pass judgment on people.

OK. And in a previous movie, apparently they. I'm mad that you know this, but it's OK. You can tell me. Missy Facts. OK, I'm going to Rome, or somewhere in Italy, to be killed by vampires, because he can't kill himself, he has to have somebody else do it. And the vampires are like, no, and then she shows up in Italy, and they're like, oh my god, I love you. And then the vampire council finds out that she knows too much about vampires. And they're like, oh, me go from a vampire. And that's how they showed up.

That's those people. And one of them is Michael Sheen. That was an Al in fact. It is though, it's Michael Sheen. It's very excited. Their makeup is so bad. It was like shit. They look like minor next generation characters in the background of a planet. Like, the ones that that that lumpy foreheads? Yes, they just slap some face pain on and we're like,

move your face quickly so no one notices. So do her parents know that they are vampire? No, that's why dad, when he walks in the house, goes, are those graduation caps? And mom goes, yeah, it's really cute. I like it, it's fun me." Her dad's like, wait a fucking second. You'd think they'd take that one down if they want to avoid any awkward questions. Peter Fotconelli do better.

Oh man, the wigs that they put that poor man in. I know, he just... I feel like in the first movie. He's miserable in this movie. They all are. Yeah. So, mom gives her a comb that her and dad put sapphires in because something blue. It was sort of sweet. Yeah.

I thought, well this is nice and then we'll get the wedding out of the way and something will happen. Yeah. No, it's like fucking the deer hunter. It's a two and a half hour long letting scene. It's like a wedding porn. It's like close-ups on her nails and her gown and the flowers. It's like a Pinterest board of bullshit. Query. Question. I'm ready. Shooting at you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ostensibly these are movies for teens. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. I feel like everything about them is middle-aged people stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi tooooooooooooooooo th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. -aged people stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the type of wedding that a middle-aged person would be stoked about. And think was like very hip and cool and interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look I'm edgy, I've

got fucking flowers hanging from the ceiling. I mean, it's a beautiful wedding. Oh, for sure, beautiful people. And I'm just not interested in than my actual wedding, dead. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, fucking speed it along. I don't have all night. But then, but then, the entire wedding, her dad's walking her down the aisle, he's so fucking disappointed. He's so disappointed and she's like, oh, I'm poop.

They have to poop. Dad, I think I'm pooping. Dad, I'm pooping. Pooping! I'm pooping! And there is like a crane shot following her back on her dress. She looks gorgeous. Yeah, but there's like a spinal column of pearls going down the back. And we get a minimal Anna Kendrick being like, do you think she'll be showing? Why else would she be getting married in 18? This is ridiculous?

Sometimes in the intervening movies, Anna Kendrick became a mega bitch, I guess, which is fine. Yeah, why wouldn't she mean, this is a terrible town she's living in? It's true. Her friend is an idiot. Yeah, forked sucks. But they walk to the, they walk to the altar where Edward is standing, and the officiant is like is like is like is like is like is like is like is like in this one, huh? But it's like and also so I says to them, like the officiates like, so Edward do you and then the next 10

minutes of the stem going, I do, I do, I love you, I do, sickness and in health. And then they make out for a super long time which is so gosh. They're just dancing, like no one's watching. They're putting their tongues down each other's to it. It's, it. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, like, like, like, like, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, a super long time, which is so gosh. They're just dancing like no one's watching. They're putting their tongues down each other's throat. It's like no one's dad is sitting right there. I believe I have the tongue banging, like nobody's watching. And the song that's playing is so icky. It's gross! It's gross! The entire soundtrack to this soundtrack to to to to to to th. It makes my skin crawl. It sounds like pop music generated by an AI.

Yes. But in this song, this song in particular, there's lyrics that are like, and the rats are poisoned and they're running through the fans. Yes, what is that? It's all this like, yeah, this like acoustic guitar, soft indie rock, but with a weird lyric. It's like they lost the rights to whatever songs they initially used in the movie, and then they're like, Rick, write new songs.

Oh no, man, I like these wraps that are my backyard. Like, fucking Rick, let's go. This is my kids tape. Do an acrustic. Do an acrustic. What does that mean, Dad. I don't know. They said acrustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A acoustic. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. A.'t paying attention. Indy Rock. Like it's in a Volvo ad. We get some shit between the werewolves and the vampires and we learned that Laurent is dead. Yeah. And I remember Laurent from the first movie and thinking he seemed fine. Did you recognize one of those vampire blonde, emotionless people?

No, but I did actually think they were very funny. Yeah, yeah, they were were great. They were great. they were great. One th they were they were th th they were th. One th. One th. One th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. thea. the. the. thea. th. th. th th. th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's tha. It's tha. It's to. It's to. It's to. It's tha. It's to. tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's tha. It's I did actually think they were very funny. Yeah, yeah, they were great. Yeah. One of them is the wife from Kill List who's also in the dissent. Yes, I like her. I didn't notice that. Yeah. Okay. Well of course you didn't because she was wearing like golden like fish eyes with an insane wig and just looking like she's trying to suck on a lemon the entire time. Why? Well, okay. I thought, this is very self-aware, or this is way over the top. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So Jacob is mad because Bella's like, I'm not going to be a vampire on her wedding night.

I wanted to have human sex. And Jacob's like, no, no, you're gonna kill her, you're a wharf. I'm sorry, I think he says you're a wolf. But wait, this is, you're totally bypassing the fact that 19 people make speeches at this wedding. Like, is it open fucking mic at this wedding? Everyone gets a turn-it-a, people want this, they want free booze, they want free booze, the cookie table. You know there was no cookie table. Those people aren't even empty calories. Yeah.

Everyone should have a cookie table. There was probably like a dried salmon table there in the Pacific Northwest. I have to say I get so pissed when I go to a wedding where the people aren't from Pittsburgh and there's no cookie table. I'm like, why am I here?. tha tha tha later? So we learned that Jacob went on like a vision quest, I guess? I don't know, who knows? Who the fuck knows with this dude? Also, so like, he says to her,

like, this is the last time I'll see you alive. Because he assumes that Edward is going to turn her. And she's like, well, I don't want to you do that here and then go on your honeymoon like what is the time like is there is the their private island only available for this two-week window what's this now what it's a time share the Carlisle has fucking insane what first of all I bet Carlisle will get taken in by time shares but second like oh that does sound like a good idea this everything that happens in this movie th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I ti. I ty. I's ti. I's. ti. I's. I's ti. I's thi. I's is is thi. their is thi. But second, like, oh that does sound like a good idea. Everything that happens in this movie is predicated on the fact that she couldn't wait to take her honeymoon, question mark? Had to leave the next day, couldn't know where she was going.

They just get in a car and drive to an island. Couldn't know where she was going to be. Couldn't know where she was going to be. Right, and Jacob's telling her dad, like they're going to kill her and they're going to spin you some lie about it. And then like that's basically what happens. Yeah. Also in the wedding speeches, a baseball hat gets up, prom night, and he's like, huh. And he's like, huh? to use to not sleep in a today. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thatu. thatu. tho. tho. thate, thi. thate. tho, tho. tho. tho. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's. they's they's. they're they're thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. tell tell, tell, tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell tell to tell to the. thi. they're going they're going they're going to to to to not sleep in, oh! Which like, in the context of everyone that doesn't know their vampires, it's like, ewe. Yeah, disgust, oh. Dude, everybody?

I hate when people make sexual innuendos and wedding speeches. I hate it. Other than these two, they've probably already been fucking. Yes, exactly. But she has this moment with her dad that's supposed to be very tender, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and, to, to, to, to, thei, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te, the thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, they very tender where he's like, oh it's gonna be so weird to not have you living in my house. It's always your home and you can always be in my house you won't be there. It's so weird and it's like we just saw her fucking move from Phoenix one year ago, one year ago. But what I really appreciated was she had a really good reaction to that that was, oh thanks to that that, what that that that that that that that that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi thi thi thi thi, thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's thi's thi's thi thi's thi's thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii's thiiiii's thii's thooooo not love her dad as much as he loves her and that sucks so bad. Her mom either, like I kept thinking how sad I would be because when her mom, her mom's

just like, oh my god, it's my baby's a wedding day, my baby's all growing up, oh my god, oh my god, the way a mom might be. And she's like hugging her daughter all over back, like I'm hugging you, but I'm hitting you? And I thought how heartbroken I would be. My daughter sucked this bad. No, no. So they drive from the wedding to the airport to, I think, a boat, to then this private island. They fly into Brazil. Yesthey get into Rio, because that's a long-ass flight. Yes, not short. This is the longest fucking day. Also, he

has yet to sparkle in any of the sunshine that he's in. Their wedding is outside. Well, it's in the Pacific Northwest where it's dark. Good thing the sun didn't shine that day or they would have had to cancel. So, but you see giant Jesus in Rio. they're in Rio, you, you're in Rio, you're in Rio, you're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in they're in their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. their their their their their that day or they would have had to cancel. So, but you see giant Jesus in Rio. So you're like, oh, they're in Rio. And apparently it's carnival always in Rio. Well, yes, because see Brazil. Oh my God. Island Esmey, a gift from Carlisle, to look after he made her his forever wife, which I'll never get over. You're so, I love, you're just so mad about that. I don't know why I'm so mad about it, because I think it's pretty common in like vampire lore

to make yourself a forever spouse. Well, yeah, isn't that sort of the chasteness of a lot of this vampire stuff of like, like enforced eternal monogamy. Yes! Jesus. At this point I have written, and I have no memory of this, this is agonizing, nothing has happened. I want them to get struck by a meteor. I want me to get struck by a meteor. So I got really excited when they land in Brazil and they're like walking through Rio and I was like, oh, they're going to! We're gonna see them have like a moment of real life

I mean acting like fucking people. Because by the way, she's still a person. What? Yeah. Ormie or not just a vessel, I don't know. I really encourage everyone to watch the film Black Orpheus. Okay. It's the telling of Orpheus, but set in Brazil. Okay.

And it's fucking amazing. Ah, that sounds great. Yeah, it's really good. And it's so it's on the 60s and it's beautiful and they get to Flavillas and people dancing. So just, yeah, get some nice Rio in your life. It would be be th, it be th, it be nice, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th, th, th, th, th, th. It's, and, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's th. th. And, and it's, and it's fun. And it's fun. And it's, and it's, and it's fun. And, and it's fun. And, and it's fun. And, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it. And, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's, and it's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th thanks. th. th. th really nice. Because they did not give you any of this, they immediately go to an island where the housekeeping staff knows that they're vampires and hates them. Yes, and they're like he's brought this innocent young woman here and we have to just stand by and watch this happen. How heartbreaking for them! Can you imagine yourself in that position?

When she goes into the bedroom when they first arrive, and she's like touching the mosquito netting around the bed. And I can't tell if she's horny or constipated, constipated, pregnant. They all look the same. She's just like, eww. Yeah. She's just like, hmmm. And then he's like, hey, honey, let's do this. And she's like, wait, I have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have th. to have th. th. th. th. th. thu. thu. thoom. the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the t. t. t. t t t t t together. together. together. to the the the the the the. the. the. the. the honey, let's do this. And she's like, wait, I have to have a cleaning montage.

So she goes into the bathroom and pulls out Kenny Fisher's backpack from Can't Hartley Wait. And shaves her legs. It's your wedding day. You didn't do that this morning? How fast is your hair growing? You psychopath? They've been hurt on 24-hour flight to Rio. That's to Rio.

That's true. She's got five o'clock shadow. Horrifying. Also, he's your husband, who the fuck cares? Yeah, that's... So they break the mom's bed, which is deeply uncool. Sorry mom.

But it's the most like upsetting teenage. I just punched a wall way he could have, he just like grabs it and snaps the bed. And you're like, oh, come on. It looked shitty anyway. Broke like balsa. Apparently in the book, the sex is described as jackhammering. That's awful. Why would she beg for that again?

Some people are into it according to the internet. Okay, I mean, yeah. I'm just thinking an 18-year-old virgin might not be that great for jackhammering. I feel awful right now. I feel terrible having said these words. Well, you have to figure that a 117-year-old virgin might have a lot of pen-up-pounding inside of him. Because did we ever establish whether he jerks it?

I don't think we decided. We have not. In the morning it looks like he's just destroying a chicken above her head because you just see like feathers pouring down onto her face and I thought he's plucking a fucking chicken. How can he do this? So many of my notes to say I don't want this. So he's bruised her while they were having intercourse. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, dog, it's fine, that shit happens, whatever. And he's like, no, I can never touch you again. Everything's always

about him. Everything. Everything. He's like, I'm Wharf never touch you again. Everything's always about him. Everything. Everything. He's like, I'm wharf and I will fuck you to death. With Dana's dick. And she like does like a lingerie, like, sexy walk in and he just laughs at her. And I was like, this dude sucks so hard. He, well, I mean, she was walking pretty funny to be fair. For sure, but still.

It's just like, this is why teens shouldn't get married, particularly to men in their hundreds, you know? If I've said it once, I've said it once. Don't do this. I've said it a lot of time. We get a flashback to, uh, not a flashback in time, but just back to for to for to for to for to for to for to for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for for th, th, th,. We get a flashback to, not a flashback in time, but just back to forks where we see that Jacob is still sad, running around in the woods, and be like, oh no, no, fucking werewolves. I hate everybody. I think I would much rather be a werewolf in this universe than a vampire, because, like, it seems like were wolves just kind of do their own thing, and then then posse up with their friends and then they run around a little bit and they run super fast

That's better point. Yeah. Vampires are super hot super rich. Yeah. You apparently get a sister wife. That's true you do get to live with the other teenager slash elderly person you're fucking. Yep. Okay. Well to be fair Maybe just evens out So we get well after we see the housekeepers she goes to sleep again without having sex because he won't sex her and she's like Please and he's like no God she's just begging him to have sex with her and it's fucking It's just like what is the message from our girl, Cindy Meyer, here? Stephanie, sleep. That's respect.

Cindy? What, what is she saying? I don't know. I think she's like, sex is bad and dangerous. Sure. And women who want it are wrong and men who are chased are good. Yes, yeah, yeah, and you should do it on his terms. As the man and the king of the castle, he gets to make all the choices.

Ew. Be that what's going on with your body. Uh, so he goes out to hunt and he writes a note in a very pretty script that says... He's had a lot of fucking time to hunt and he writes a note in a very pretty script that says... He's had a lot of fucking time to perfect it, Alan. Have you heard about this no nut vember bullshit? Yes, I have. He's on like some no nut sentennial thing. Seriously, he hasn't nutted since before the Spanish flu.

So he does, and she walks in, she reads the note and goes, you're late. And I was like, oh, you're talking about your period because you're pregnant. Yeah. And then she's like, oh, I'm talking about a period because I'm pregnant.

Yeah. Because she makes a chicken. It's not a thing you can do. It's very gross. It's not. It's very. It's very. It's very. It's very. It's very. It's very. It's very. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to., but I know you cook it a little beyond pink. You cannot have medium-rare chicken. It's not a thing you can do. I'm like, we're still bloody. Still salmon on the Nittaly. And she's eating peanut butter by the spoonful. And I was like, that's dope.

I also do them. Oh, smart. Yeah. I will sometimes. Oh God, that's what I'm going to do when I get home tonight, and then I'm going to cry again. You want to hear an equally sad? Sometimes when it gets near the end, I'll dump a handful of mini chocolate chips in there and scoop those to this episode. I'd be very judicious with the editing. If it sounds like we're too sad, you can get it. But if it sounds like good advice, like that chocolate chip thing, that's good.

We're allowed to be sad. Oh my god, yeah. This movie is going to... She's showing, by the way. She's already got a little belly, which is just very cute because it's just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to... She's showing, by the way, she's already, she's already got a little belly, which is just very cute because it's just Kristen Stewart, like booping her belly out. Yeah, she's doing it as hard as she can. Which is not very much, she's a very thin human being. Very thin human being. She pukes after she's eating the chicken and then feel fine afterwards and she's like don't come in here you don't need to see this and I was like ooh don't marry someone who's never

seen you vomit. I think that's a good rule. They need to you need to see your spouse vomit before you marry them. I have never seen my partner vomit. You've never seen missy vomit. No because she like anybody seeing her vomit. So like I'll know if she's got a pukk because she'll run into the bathroom and slam the door. Kink it. Donkey kick it. All right, well. But no, I agree. Your relationship is illegitimate to me then, I guess.

Well, that's why we're not married in the eyes of the lord. That's true. You have to see puke the means puking honey. That's what he says to her. I mean it fair enough. When she opens her, what did you call that bag? Her Kenny Fisher backpack. Yes. The pleasure of love-scented candle, bitch. And she has, I don't see no hose, Kenny. I love Kenny Fisher so much and I hate Bella Swan so much. She's got a box of tampacks in there and he's looking at it like, I don't know what that is. She's like, uh, uh, I don't know what it is? What does it do?

What does it do? Are those snacks? What is this? I hate him. I hate him. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. He went to high. What. the the the the the the the the the the the t. He. He. What. What. t. t. t. What. t. What? tap. tap. tap. What? tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. She. She. She. She. She. tap. tap. tap. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta tap ta ta tap ta this? I hate him. I hate them. I hate them all. He went to high school for fuck's sake. For a hundred years! Yeah, he's been to four prongs!

There have been so many technological advances in menstrual care throughout that period. He's like, are you placing a rag inside your undergarments? A Diva cup is going to make his head explode. Oh my God. Why do you even have a tiny hat down there? Or as Lucy calls it, Stephen Cup, which is real uncomfortable. Stephen, of course being my very good friends partner. So we're talking to Jacob and he's talking about how he didn't become the alpha. Oh yeah, yeah, he gave up being the alpha so that I don't, the other guy took it. I don't, I didn't, couldn't, couldn't take it anybody's names.

And then I started thinking about the idea of being a Sigma male? It's like, the thatheas are like, fucking beta cuck cucc, tha ci, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and tha, and tha, and tha, and tha, and tha, and tha, and tha, and tha, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha are, you know, Alpha males. Betas are like, the guys who get, fucking Beta Cuck. Fucking Beta Cuc, Simps. I believe I would be one of them. Yeah, I think so. I hate to tell you this, but I think yes. I tell you this, but I you don't have to go after women. I think that's Sigma Mail. Okay, all right. So I think Jacob's gonna work on that. Okay. But also his friend just keeps being like,

imprinting, it's not like you imprinted on her. Luckily that doesn't come back. Why does she talk like that? I know this... This... so this movie ruins otherwise fine actors. Yeah. And that woman seemed like a fine actor. Sure. Like the actor, the actor, uh, shit. The guy for, um, can't hardly wait. Carlisle. Oh, Peter Fratchelie. Fine actor. His forever wife. Fine actor. Fine actor. She is spending the entire thi. Fine actor. She is a thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, ortunely. Peter Fortuni. Fine actor. His forever wife. Fine actor. She is spending the entire movie looking directly into camera and looking like she's trying to figure out who's holding it. She's like, is that Frank? that's what her whole demeanor is in this movie and I don't get it at all. I felt like the

makeup department just kept swooping her hair back. They're like, no five head, no forehead, no forehead, only five head. She's like, I don't know if this is super flattering on me and they were like, more height! We're gonna get props in here and they're gonna add forehead. You put my scalp? They shave her hair line back. No!

Yeah, so he has, he had had the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity the opportunity to be the alpha, but he gave it to the other guy Why? Because he was so torn up about Bella probably I assume in the intervening movie because there's a lot of vampire Werewolf shit in the other two movies and there have to be yeah, because there's no wherewolves in the first one. No, I mean we see them and then it's just like okay, we'll buy. Yeah, and he doesn't he he. He he he he th. He th. He th. He th. He th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. There's the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their th. There's their their their their their their their their their their was there's their was their was their was there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's they. There. There. There. There's the. There. There. There's the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the see them and then it's just like, okay, we'll buy. Yeah, and he doesn't find out he's a werewolf until the second movie. Wait, he doesn't know he's a werewolf? I don't think he's like changed officially yet. It's probably like some kind of like teenage thing. Puberty thing.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, and, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. And he's like, oh, what do they want him to do? I, I, and what is imprinting? Imprinting is some sort, like saying that they're so animalistic, which I found slightly racist. Yep.

A little bit problem that, like, just that they imprint on their partners and it's like this like eternal bond that cannot be broken. So he's gonna fuck that baby? Yeah! Oh my god! Imagine seeing a baby and being like, I'm gonna grow you up to fuck you. Wait, really? I don't know if it's strictly fucking. But it's inclusive of fucking. Right, and fucking is an option. Fucking is not off the menu. Yeah, Jesus. Well, can you control who you imprint on or do you think it just happens?

I mean, I don't think he meant to go in there and imprint on that baby. But the bay was like, dog. You and me, baby. Yeah, let me show you my future, me. Oh yeah she was very pretty. So... And CGI in the future as well. Yes. When that CGI maybe looked at him, I fucking lost my goddamn mind. I know. Also, wait, we'll get to the baby. Yeah, yeah. But later, like at one point in the movie, his friend, I think is Leah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His friend or friend of me there. Yeah. It's like I can't tell you how many times. I wish I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the th. I th. I th. I tou. I tog. tog. tog. tog. tog. t. tog. tog. t. tog. tog. tod. tog. today. t. Is like, I can't tell you how many times I wish I could imprint on someone else. And I just thought, well do it then, you dumb bitch? So did she imprint on him but he didn't imprint back?

I don't know? Do you have to imprint back? Do you have to imprint on the baby? The baby can't imprint because she's not a were. human werewolf for a hybrid or human vampire hybrid, which has never happened before. I guess she could have any number of powers. Yeah, who knows? She could probably fly. She'd laser beans. Well, yeah, because Edward can fly. Yeah, and run up hills real fast like Neruda. And pack super fast because when he's talking to Carlile on the phone, Carl is like, you need to get her here. And he does like a boom, boom, boom, boom and packs everything. And I was like, the and I was like ha hi I wish I had a husband who could pack so fast he ha ha and he just put his head in his hands missy me and he tu-s I just took too many shoes miss me to tell you're never gonna change those shoes either

you gonna wear them all I wear them all I wear them all I wear them all yeah yeah I'm sure too I'm they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm they're I'm they're I'm they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th I'm I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm I'm I'm th I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm I'm th I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th th th th th th th th thi thi thi th thi the the the the tho the thi tho tho tho the thi thi th thi to change those shoes either. You're going to wear the one pair. I wear them all. I wear them all. Yeah, I make sure too. If I'm bringing them, I'm wearing them, I'm wearing them. You have to wear comfy shoes while you're driving and then walking around shoes. Why don't you wear your comfy driving shoes for walking around? Because they're not in your late 40s. Yeah, I'm fucking. You're at the New Balance store talking to some guy about arch support. How dare you? As a Fatman, I do not wear new balances. Why is that?

Because it's like a stereotypical fat guy's shoe. Oh, I wasn't even. I know. I knew that. I know, I know joke was off color for me anyway, and I apologize to you for that. I'm sitting here my checkered vans, like every 14 year old girl. I love your, all of your checkerboard vans. Also thanks to everyone who's been talking to us about SCA recently on Twitter and Instagram.

And it was funny because they were like posting gifts of like real big fish and I'm like, no I'm actually talking about first wave ska? That's third wave ska? And somebody on Instagram was like, well, what is second wave ska? It was like the toasters and selector.

Yeah, I thought that was first wave ska. That's actually Desmond Decker and to the maid hall. Actually, you you, you you, you you, you what, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you that, you that, you're that, you're that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I'm that, I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, I that's, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's a that's a th. I th. I was th. I'm th. I'm a th. I'm a tho. I'm a th. I'm a th. I'm a tho. I'm a tho. I'm a tho. I'm a that's a that's a that's a Desmond Decker and toots in the Maytoll. Actually, you know what? You're allowed to man-splain scaing. You're scofflinging. I'm scoffling. This is not good. Escallinging. Eschology. You're an a scholar. No, you don't even need that. You're a scholar. S-K-A-L-A-R. That's you! I'm glad we came around to that. Took a little bit of driving to get there.

I mean, with our heelless shoe. Fuck. Why does anyone talk to me? Because you're literally the most delightful person I know. Oh, thank you. So, back to Edward being confused by your period. You what? You would?

And to be totally gross, you figure he'd be stoked about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's her blood. He can just have that. She should start using a diva cup then. He can just do a little chug-a-aug through a sire foam cup with a straw. Wow, I like that I went gross and you went closer. I appreciate that. I feel it for whatever reason today, I need to just go one step further.

Okay. Like, gauntlet has been thrown. I'm really emotionally raw right now. I'm just going to scream into the abyss. Oh, you know what I would love to scream into the abyss at? Nicky Reed's wig. Oh my God. Why is it?

Is Nicky Reed, uh... Rosalie? Her wig makes me want to be dead. Her wig looks like if she turned too fast and walked away, the wig would still just be standing there. It's Mr. Potato Head hair. She has a slit cut in the top of her head, and that hair has a little like nubby that you put in there,

and you can slide it back and forth. It's abysmal. So they get belled back home, don't tell her parents that she's in America. No, or that she's pregnant. She's told her father that she's, oh my god, her poor fucking father. She tells him that she's sick and then she she calls and he says, oh, you're sounding better, and she's like, I'm feeling a little better. And then she's like, just like, think of me the way I was. Ah, ah, it hangs up the phone and you're like, you're fucking piece of trash.

You're a trash person. And she is 27 months pregnant. Her stomach. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, tho, tho, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thin. th. t. t-a. tog. t-a. tog. t-a. thi. thi. thi. thi. And, th. And, that it's bruising. It's disgusting. It's actually very good. It was very good. And then they start like- C-G-Iing her thinner because she's not getting any nutrients. And I found that extremely upsetting. Very upsetting. Her face is agarose.

Yeah, and like, you can see, like, that's why they didn't have any money for Rosalie's wig exactly went until the CGI's thin budget she was like you can make her thinner but you can't just get me a wig this is from the Halloween store and Carl O'Connell is like look what they have done to me for at least four movies shut up now and then Alice was like I haven't spoken in years. And Alice is like, I don't know who's manic-pixie dream girl I am, but I guess the whole movie. Somebody's. Gosh, she's beautiful though, isn't she? And that, like, pixie haircut? Oh, she looks so good.

Good grief. Put a jelly necklace on her? knocking out of the park. She looks like something out of an anime or something. Oh for sure. Just bug eyes and a fixed haircut and... A teeny tiny little sly teeny tiny nose. Teeny tiny nose. And she's like, I can't see Bella's future or the baby. Oh right, because the baby only shows up as a black spot on the ultrasounds, which I like actually as like a baby being like, fuck you don't look at me. Black hole baby.

Oh boy, we could take that one to a, a very dark place. Yeah. And they can't, no needle will pierce the amniotic sack. Right, but Edwards teeth can later, so don't you worry. So we find that, so Bella calls Rosalie th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, the, th, th, the thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, the the the thooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, the the tho, don't you worry. So we find that, so Bella calls Rosalie for help. And we were like, oh, I didn't think they were friends. Yeah. Well, they weren't.

But Rosalie is apparently sad that she can't have a baby, I guess. Yes. Because women are wasted if they don't have babies, I guess. Okay. I'm I'm gonna look. In the current state of America, this is certainly more agonizing to watch. That, you know, Roe v. Wade is in very real danger of being overturned here, and millions of women are going,

millions of women have and will continue to die from abortions. And... to our shame. And we'll continue to to the, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their the For sure. And... To our shame. And we'll continue to die from not having abortions. Right. Or from having... Back alley for about luck. That's what I'm saying. Women don't generally die from safe abortions. That's I don't want to have said, implied that. This movie makes Bella's life so insignificant to bringing a baby into the world. And I understand that

Bella's making the choice. So I can see conservative people saying, well, it's a real choice, because she's making the choice. But what it's glorifying to young girls is that you are merely a vessel for what could potentially be a demon. But even if it isn't, it doesn't matter. You don't matter compared to this fetus. There's even a line where Alice is like, I can't see anything for the fetus. And Rosalie goes, you mean the baby. And it's like, whoa. Yeah. Whoa. Both of you to your corners.

And also, like, movie, this is a real big problem. That and and toxic boyfriend, husband now, yelling, you said this was a partnership and I don't even get a choice. Yeah. And it's like, well, when you can carry this baby to term. Well, it's also he's, like, I'm almost, I don't want to give him a pass on that, because that's a bullshit thing to say.

But all he wants is to save her life. For sure. Yeah. But he's not having, they're not, they're not, at no point is anyone having a conversation about this? Oh no, they're just demanding their own ways. Maybe that's what happens when you marry a baby and impregnate her with a baby thing that you don't know. When you raw dogger with your old man vampire dick and you give her a demon baby, this shit happens. What did you think might happen? They're like, we didn't know it could happen. Dude. No, the chased vampires have never fucked a human.

It's insane. I just, I'm so angry at the message, because think of the audience for this movie. I'm so angry that this is the hero they get. This woman who's like, I will lay down my life. It doesn't even matter because a baby, birthing, bringing, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the their, their, the the the the the the the the the the the the, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th., th., thin, thi., thi.a.a.a.a. thi.a.a. thi.a.a.a.a. they.a. they. their, they. their,, I will lay down my life. It doesn't even matter because of baby, birthing, bringing a baby into this world is more important than my life. Yeah, fucking sucks. Her miracle baby as she refers to. She does. Who does miracles? Oh, um, damnires? No. No, no, no, no, whale. No. Frankenstein's? So we get. Which Frankenstein did miracles? Friend! The miracle of friendship.

The miracle of friendship. I mean, the real miracle was the friendships we made along the way. Jacob has been brought in because only he can talk sense to Bella, I guess. Which is crazy because he's the least convincing person I've ever seen. Apparently in the other movies when I was reading lightly on Wikipedia, there's something about Bella also falling in love with Jacob, but not as hard as she has in love with Edward. So he's cool with it. Edward's cool with it. Oh, he's because he's top love. Right, right. So he's cool with it. Which nothing about this dude has ever said, I'm cool with it.

I'm cool with anything, ever. No. God, do you want some cool whip? No. I do not. I'm not cool with it. Put it in the microwave. And he's, Jacob runs out of the house.

Close explode. He's, I assume this has happened in other movies, but he's meeting up with other werewolves and they're going, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. I love it so much. I would watch those CGI werewolves all day long. When they're talking, and it's just the actor's going, I hate it, I hate what you're doing right now. Talk like a wolf. I imagine like the first time they went in to do some like ADR work for that,

that the sound person was like, okay, I'm gonna need you to do some wolf sounds and they were like, a woofewoo, and he was like not like that. Just talk like thi like th like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I th th you thi thi thi thi thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I th you th you th you th, I th you th you th, I I I I I I I I I th, I I I I th, I th, I I th, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm in thi, I'm in tha, like, I'm tha was like not like that. Just like this. Like a metal singer? Like I'm in disturbed? Dada da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. I think so. I think so.

I think it is. Yeah, I think so. I think that's good. Hey, we did a good one. I always hated that guy's fucking thatcings, those two like talons that hang down from his lip, that are just wiggling, they would annoy the piss out of me. Yeah. I do have the note, her body, his choice. I mean, the whole thing is just, this is the bottom line. You can choose to have a a a a a the the to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a the to have a the to have a to have a the to have a the the to have a the the thoombue. thi. thoombue the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoompape. thoompape. tho. tho. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the. the. t bottom line. You can choose to have an abortion, you can choose to have a baby. Yeah. But the way this is being presented to young girls is deeply fucked.

Right, right, right. That's all. As with almost every decision that's made in these movies, it's deeply fucked. We keep getting these family shots of them discussing whether or not Bella should have the baby. And in the background the background the background the background the background the background the background the background the background the back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back the back back the back the back th th th th And in the background, his super buff prom night guy. Oh my God, he's enormous.

He's looming in every shot. He's just like, posed? Like at one point, like they're talking. And he's leaning to one side with one shoulder up, like he's trying to pay attention real hard, like you thinks with his whole body? I can only hear you if my entire body is facing you. Wait, my quads are not in on this conversation. Shoot! He's turning around to his glute skin here. He's like, don't skip leg day, bra. But the white face pain engine,

I just scream left every time he came into frame. Oh my God, it's just, that's, ugh, yeah. Why are they watching college football? Are they USC fans? Who knows? There's just a part where they cut to their house. They're watching USC. I forget who USC is playing. It looks like it's on like an old tube TV despite it being the year of our Lord and Savior 2011. Yeah. And no one says anything about it and I thought

well shit like, if I never had to sleep would I get to the bottom of the barrel of television or I would just be watching USC football. Okay yeah yeah yeah yeah Got it. They're like we can't get any food into her she won't, no food will be accepted or whatever and it's like, that. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it. And it's like, and it's like, no th th th says. And it's like, no th says. And it's like, no th says, no th says, no th says, no one, no one, no one, no one, and no one th says, and no one. And it's says th says th says th says th says th says th says th says th says th says th says thth th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th food th food th food th food th food th food thi thi to to thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thu food thu food thoooooo food tho food tho food thooo blown her back, her hair back as like foreverwifes. It's just full of like dry shampoo. And stuck straight back and she's just like, ah, it's, it's so, that's right. She looks hilarious during this x-ray reading. She is bananas, this whole thing. Note 92, this is taking too long, get to the baby ripping. Yeah, it takes forever to get to the baby ripping, which which, and which, and which, and which, and which, and which, and which, and which is, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and she is th, and she is th, and she is th, and she is th, and she's th, and she's th, th, andthis whole thing. Note 92, this is taking too long. Get to the baby ripping.

Yeah, it takes forever to get to the baby ripping, which is so anticlimactic. But so they give her a little sippy cup full of blood first. When she's on the couch, and they're like, oh no, she's cold. And Jacob goes, oh, I got this. against her? Because he's a dog! Because he's a dog. Then he got up and just wiped his asshole on the rug and ran out. Sorry my glands need to be expressed. Do you think Jacob has to express his own glands? For sure. He's a person?

Oh, he has to go to the vet to do it because his owners will do it. When he, but when he becomes a person? Check, check. How are his glands, how is his asshole? Oh, it's pretty? Well, to? Well, but? Well, but? Well, but? Well, but? Well, but? Well, th. Well, th. the th. th. the the th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. the. tog. too. too. too. too. too. th. the. the. the. the. the. th how's his asshole? Oh, it's pretty tight. It's pretty cool. It's got a great ass. Who knows? Okay, I'm just asking. I'm still just thinking about the smithertens. I liked her drinking that blood through a straw and it takes her a little while and you're like, oh, it's too thick. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, th's like, th's like, th's like, th's like, th's like, th's like, th a th a th a thick, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's a great a great a great thick. It's a great a great thick. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, thick. It's like, they should have made it like bubble tea. That's a bobo in there for her? They're just, there's like a scene where they're just squeezing blood bags into a styrofoam cup and then throwing them in their kitchen trash can.

I thought that's fucking biohazardous waste, you assholes. their vampires, vampires, vampires. her poor father. She tortures everyone around her. To be in Bella's orbit is torture. Everyone is miserable all of the time. I mean, her friend should be excited that she has cut them out. Yeah, they really should. That's a near miss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When she's drinking the blood, they have to take Jasper out for a walk. Alice is like... Jasper. Jasper to be taken for a walk. Jasper, honey, Jasper, come with me. Jasper. Jasper. Walk, walk. She starts shaking the leash. Walk, walk, walk. Walkies. Chasper went on a treat. Blood, blood, blood, blood. Oh. We know he's not a were wolf. Never. Peter Fortunelie is like, Bella could be as early as tomorrow, but not today. That's not how. the they. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the fuck do you know that? No one knows. And how do you know it could be as early as tomorrow, but not today? That's not how regular babies even work.

Dad, Dad, I have to go to Switzerland. It's like a doctor, it's like a spa hospital. It's spa hospital. Sco hospital. Can we, if we ever start a ska band? Yeah. Can it be called General Scospital? For sure. Wherewolf Ambulance Presents General's Hospital.

But it'll be a military man who's named General Scospital. Like the General Insurance guy. Justin, get on it! Justin, I know you're really busy. I know that actual Scott Bands are paying you for amazing art. And we're like, it goes fake shit. Big us fix, we love you. I've got to go to Switzerland, Dad. And he's like, no, I'm coming over. She's like, no, I'm in Switzerland now, Dad. Dad. And he's like, my mustache is tingling. You must not be, I'm so sad.

Why am I here? I should have had another child because this one is trash. I'm really fucked up. I worry about that having only one child. What if she ends up being trash, you know? She's not going to. She's amazing. I don't know, Bella was probably cool when she was six. Yeah, maybe that's that's. She's. She's. She's. She's. That's. She's. That's. She's. That's. She's. She's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that. that. that. that's. that. that. that's. that. that's.. Yeah, I mean that's the turning point. That was a turning point.

She's out there smoking pony puffers and just hanging out. That's cool. Hanging out of the mall with the Smitherton. Six. Riding a smitherton around. She was imprinted on by an old man. Oh sorry, we're mixing things up here. Can I tell you you you you the the the the the the the th you th you th you th you th you th you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. tho. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah.. Yeah. Yeah... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.tell you what my, the only thing in this movie that brought me any amount of joy? Yeah. There's the, the, um, what did you call the werewolf people, their quill... Oh, the, uh, sorry, let me get back to that note. It's like, quilutin? Whatever it is, that sounds a drug that makes you go to sleep, but okay. I believe it isn't indeed an actual tribe, which I was like, did you get the okay from them?

Yeah. Quileute. Okay, so there are some of them... I'm sure mispronouncing that, but sure. Some of those who have defected from the main pack. Right, who have to. Who have defected from the main pack. Right, who's to. to. to. to. to. the to. the the th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. Did, thi. Did, thi. Did, th. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Did. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the other pack leader. Sam, right. Sam says, no, it's not Sam. I don't know. Someone's yelling at Jacob and they're like, blah, blah, blah, when she's dead about Bella. And the one kid just puts his hand on the guy who said that chest, and he goes, he's up, Paul.

And I was like, fuck, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's this movie. He's up, Paul! I screamed laughed at that. And then it was over and there was nothing left for me. I've decided on some baby names. Yeah, oh my god, E.J. If it's a boy, it's EJ. Fine. For its father and my other lover. My, the man I love just a little less than his father. We'd call him the B team. And if it's a girl... I've been playing around with our mom's names. Madam you have not. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Renez may. Renee and Esmey? That's not a lot of thinking. That's not a lot of playing around.

She's like, Renee, Esmey, Renee, Renezmay. I've done it, I've cracked the code. Esme, Renner, no, that doesn't work. Ezznie. Rizza? No, we can't. Oh, taken. Trademarked. This is where I wrote, my preference is Bella's deaf. If anyone's asking me. So now I just have notes that I don't even know what the fuck they mean.

Blood drop, baby freak out. Blood drop, baby freak out. Maybe that's my new red hot chili peppers record. Note 106, what is happening? Is this when she goes into labor, I guess? Oh, yes. And then, what does Edward have to do? I'm not talking about it.

You've been so excited about this, you can fucking describe it to them. He has to chew the baby out of her because her tum-tum's too tough. Cannot be penetrated by a needle. And here's the gross thing I'll probably take out. This isn't what I thought they meant by eating out. Over the line smoking. Oh boy, the line is a dot to you. Now leave it in. Can I tell you my big disappointment here? Yeah. That baby's not that big. That's fine. Yeah, people deliver babies that size. Because normally when you see a baby, a newborn in a movie, that baby's like six months old. Yeah. This baby is pretty little.

It's pretty little. Pretty little. Yeah. It's also CGI. All I'm saying is they should have had a giant baby. For sure. Where was the giant? I was like, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, th. the, the, t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. t. t. te, tha, t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. they should have had a giant baby. For sure. Where was the giant? I was like, well, I was disappointed because we didn't actually get to see any sort of graphic chewing of her midsection. When a baby is born, it's covered in all sorts of stuff. Oh yeah. Verniks is what it's called. And this baby was just covered in straight up gore. Yeah. Nothing else. Like they've never seen an actual birth or anything. Nope. Too funny. So Edward has to venom her? Yeah.

So we get the first of two CGI blood stream shots. Why does he inject her with the first hypodermic needle? It was like it had like silver like do hiccuses on the side. It just looked like the most antique. Oh, you've the first one to ever have been invented. Yes, yes. I don't know. I guess that's what Carlisle works with.

And then I thought, Jesus Christ, he's an actual practicing doctor. Yeah, there's him at the hospital. He's a doctor. I like old timey equipment. I'm an antiquesman. It's my sort of my hobby, old timey medicine. So he puts his venom in her and then is just doing heart compressions for another hour of this movie. Oh, it's forever. Like truly who has the fucking time. He's doing it so much that he and Jacob have to trade off on it from time to time. Yeah, their arms are getting tired. So... I stopped taking notes at this point. I wrote, Truly, I, like I have all fucking day. And then my last note is just go in and try to thrown. to the baby. thin, the their thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thee. thee. thee. their, their, tooomooma. too, too, too, too, too, too, too, their, their, their, their, their, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, too. too. too. too. th. too. th. th. tha. tha. their their tha. their thea. thea. thea. thea. their their too. their their their their too. too. too.'ve got. So Jacob decides that he has to go in and kill this baby because he thinks that Bella is dead and he's all mad. So he has to kill the baby.

Oh yeah, why does he think Bella's dead? Because she's dead. Because she's dead. Okay, yeah, but how does he know? the baby. Because he gets told. By the baby and the baby looks at him and was like, imprint! And he's like a, v-yo-oo!

And he sees, I don't know, a 12-year-old girl? She'll be a lovely young teenager. And he's like, yeah, mine. Do you think he got a boner? Can we look up whether imprinting is fucking, or is that too much research for the show? No, no, you can look it up. All right, I'm gonna look it up by asking Google. Is imprinting in the Twilight Universe the same as developing a sexual relationship with someone?

If you go get that? You're so adult. Okay, shapeshifter imprints on the person with whom they have the best chance to reproduce. Oh! So there is a sexual component, unless they have asexual reproduction. Holy ghost. Oh my God. So yes, yes. Yes. So that's the baby that he did that with. That's gross. That's weird. This movie is very weird. Stephanie Meyer, we need to talk. Give us a call., here are the things that are okay in this movie. Marrying a child when you're an old man, developing sexual feelings for a future baby. And, I'm not, I can't even.

Honestly, like, the idea of more words about this coming out of my mouth, just repulsed me. So... I am so fucking angry. Edward had to bite her all over to get more venom to her. And he's just like, numb, numb, numb, numb, numb. He's nibbling like she's a little block of cheese and he's going around the outside. I don't want anyone to know I've been nibbling. So you've got to make it all even.

He's like, oh nothe teeth marks. And then what have you done? Then you have a tummy ache. You mean the whole pocket cheese. The only way to hide the evidence is to eat all the cheese. Blame it on Rosalie. I can't. I have a baby now. Yeah, is that her baby? She's claiming that baby. Maybe imprint on her too. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. the baby. th. thi. the baby. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the baby's the baby's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thom. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's.. That's.. That's. That's... That's.. That's. That's. That's. That's. t. It. It's. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t baby. Maybe the baby imprinted on her too. Wait the baby's always CGI even when she's holding it

it's CGI? No, when it looks at him it is CGI because it gets real wide eyes and babies can't do that. Babies are real not good at that. And very unpredictable. What cue? So wolf pack attack? So I okay, finally, the climax of this film are going to get some action. And it's 18 seconds. Yeah. Well, maybe that is the, that's the truest climax this movie could give you. So the wolves are fighting the vampire, the vampires. The vampires. Yeah, and it's all just, it's just vampires running in from off screen and tackling werewolves. Which is funny because it doesn't seem like they should be able to because the wherewolves

are also tackling the vampires and I just thought, well, who's stronger? Yeah, I don't know. Okay. So, Bella gets less gaunt. Her hair gets a lot of luster to it. They fill in her brows. They fill in her brows. She gets long lustrous lashes. She gets eye shadow. Yep, yep.

A little rouge on her cheeks. A little moulin Rouge. A little Moulin. Mm-hmm. They have put a blue dress on her for some reason. I thou. to thiiiii, I th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. toe. the. toe. toe. thei. toe. tooo. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She's. She's.... She's.... She's.... She's.... She's.... She's.... th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. th. the. the. th. the. th. the. it's like, no, you're welcome to your new life. I did think of, I know who killed me though, because it's so inexplicable that it's this electric blue dress.

So you think she killed her? And then, Bella opens her eyes. What color her eyes? They're red? Do you know why they're red? Well, I assume she's a vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire vampire a vampire, but I don't know why their eyes aren't red. So the vegetarian vampire, vampires, not vampires, vegan vampires, have golden eyes and the ones who want to prey on humans. Well done, Bond. Just from the game. The ones who want to eat humans have red eyes.

Okay. So she wakes up with red eyes. She doesn't. I hope she eats our own baby. Oh, Katie. Is she going to eat her dad? Dad, come over. Dad, come over. I'm back from Switzerland. But it wouldn't be, yeah, it would be, yeah. You suck her off of the post-credit sequence, right? Do you mean to tell me they've actually added something to this film? So the credits roll for a little bit.

Cut to the Vampiric Council? No. Why? Did they still look like Next Generation Castoffs? They look like shit. Okay, good. Good. Great. So Michael Sheehan is like,

Ooh, they've got something I want. Da da da da da. And I don't know if it's the baby or Bella, I'm not going to watch the next movie to find out. Thank you. Thank you. Because I am never, ever, ever doing this again. Truly this was one of the worst movie watching experiences of my life. Just one? Just one? Not the worst?

No. No. But it's up there. Can I show you what Rinesme looks like? And I assume in the next movie as she gets older? Yeah. Do it already. Katie has curled up into a ball and pushed her microphone away from herself and she's crying and I don't think it's joy. We still don't get me read about it. It's an animatronic that exists in this universe. Why did they... Fuck, we're gonna have to watch the next movie, aren't we?

Why would they do that? Why would they? Why not just use a real baby? Babies are real and plentiful. Why didn't they make a big baby that looks like Robert Patterson has a baby? I feel like it would be easy to just get a baby. People want their babies to be in movies, apparently. Oh my God. I think I peed myself a little bit.

This is terrible. Life is awful. Can't you rate this movie? No. You? I'm sorry. Yeah. I mean, like sometimes I'll get mad at you watching like some dumb 80s movie or something from the Italian masters.

And I'll be like, I'm so mad at Alan, but last time I was like, Alan's fucking wasting my time. Don't work. My time is precious. I was thinking the same thing. What Alan is wasting my time? You did it again, champ, you fuck yourself.

Let's never do this again, okay? We're done. We're done. I hope you enjoyed our... Fuck it. I can't even... I mean like, some experiments are good. Yeah, some are bad.

And this one is... Look at the Hell House. Hellhouse. Hells. that was a fine experiment. Hi, Jordan. Some crappy movies and some fun movies. And all at all, it was a great journey we went on.

A great journey we went on. Can I read a review that we've got from Evelyn Dash? Please. It's a five-star review. Only five stars. Mary Kangamis. I like this new holiday, would give 10 stars. Oh. This is my favorite podcast, horror or otherwise. K&A have the type of friendship everyone needs in their life, and they are so fun to listen to.

Genre and horror fans will love it. And they are just all around relatable. Oh, thank you. Yeah. See, we're real people. We're not in animatronics. Thank you, Evelyn. And again, send me your address. I've still got tutsi rolls. Oh, I've got addresses for you. Do you really? Okay. Okay. Email them to me. I'll get them out.

the tutsi rolls. How many addresses? Three or four? Okay. thanks. Wasn't one of the stipulations that you had to show us. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. to to to to to to thate. thate. tho. to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tha. the. the. the. the. the. thes. thea. thea. thea. thea. tutu. tuts. tuts. tutsa. tutsu. tutsu. tutsu. tutsi. tutsi. tutsi. totsy. tots really stipulate it. Cool, it's just people asking for totsy rolls. I'm a mail the tutsy rolls. Specifically someone who can't get tutsy rolls in Australia. How am I gonna ship a tutsi roll to Australia? You're gonna put in an oval up and see what happens? How many stamps do I have to say a tutsi roll. Ah, tutsi roll? No note in going along with it, just ah, totsy roll. Maybe I should ship this person a whole bag.

Maybe. So at least it makes fucking sense. $200 later. Well, thank you to everyone who has gotten in touch about Tutsi Rolls, Skah, and everything else. Be on the lookout. Australia, I don't know about you. I'm going to give it. Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to put six stamps on it. That's thanks. That's got to be enough, right? You might have it. You might have to put two rolls. envelope to Australia. I'll give it a goug. I'll give it a gug. I'll give it a gug. What are we doing next week, Katie? Fucked if I know. Christmas Evil. Christmas Evil. It's going to be our Christmas movie. Oh my god I can't believe it's our Christmas movie already. Yeah. Wow. Okay, Christmas evil. It is from the 80s? It's from 1980. N1980. The start of the 80s end or end of the 70s end or end or end the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. Oh.. Oh.............. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. Christmas. Christmas. the. Christmas. Christmas. the the end of the 70s wherever you come down on that dumb argument people love to have what it's people love to have an argument that a decade doesn't begin into the one year of a decade okay okay mathematically that's incorrect

sure and can't she's called a 70s hangover I guess why can't you just be cool why do you have to argue about everything exactly exactly anyway so yeah Christmas evil Christmas that'll be fun Why do you have to argue about everything you daze? Exactly. Anyway. So yeah, Christmas Evil. That'll be fun. Yeah, it's gonna be a... Probably actually a horror movie, too. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, these were horror movies.

I will go to my grave saying that these are horror movies, just not for how they were intended. Not listening to the genre, But it did introduce us to the smithertens, which I am very excited by my own brain thinking of that dumb thing up. I'm happy. I'm happy. Yeah, so look after yourselves. Yeah, look after each other. Yeah.

God bless us everyone. Mary. Kangness. Scammas. General Scostahs. General Ska Hospital. All right, Justin, it's General Ska Hospital riding on a pony that's transforming into a human while smoky a cigarette and eating Panda Express's orange chicken. You can do that, right? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm wearing checkerboard vans also. Oh. All right. Thanks for listening to another episode of Wearwulf Ambulance. Bye bye. Bye! Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Oh. All right. Thanks for listening to another episode of Warwulf Ambulance. Bye-bye. Bye. Holy shit. I'm today, the today's at the pool. No.

Mediacs are not dead pools. Savinies are inside the pool. No way to do it, Finland's to fulfill reviews. Killing clouds and let the face. He's in the outer space. I'm here in sarcastic in case. Please make I let the face. He in the atmosphere. A peer-insarcast in case. Please make I continue to break. E&T.

A road and comedy with his hungry pride in from wings and Stephen King. E.T. We live deliciously bad temperaturees of bees recently got to daddy. A pair of novel activities from Mr. Rogers City, EFT, EFT.