Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 443- Slender Man (2018)

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

In this week's episode, we're pretending that we know our way around the internet with the 2018 creepypasta-inspired film "Slender Man." It's a doozy. Special topics for your consideration include: a reconsidering of Jamiroquai, allowing middle-aged men to write teenage girl characters despite not now nor ever having been one, worrying about Abercrombie Tom's plotline, and the real question...does Slenderman have a weiner? DOES HE? It turns out that several feature films have been made based on creepypasta but this is our first. We did reference both "Bye Bye Man" and "Empty Man" in this episode, so go listen to those if you'd like-- Episodes 324 and 357 respectively. The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and get years' worth of action film commentary-- we just released an episode on "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," a film that means a lot to both of us.  leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance on Twitter @werebulance on Instagram @werewolfambulance. [e-mail] www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever.   If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow.

Alan, Katie. Could I get a little breaking news update? Oh, you know I love it. What kind of breaking news are we looking at here? Spooky, I think. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know that's sort of... Yeah, da da. Do, da. Do, da, da. Do, da, which is spectacular. It's spooky. Okay, here's the breaking news update.

Not breaking news to you, but breaking news to them. Yes. This is reading from a text message sent by my husband on Sunday to Alan and me. Just spotted Tom Savini at Home Depot buying a massive skeleton. The box literally said, massive skeleton. Which means he has now to. Who? And I actually walked by his house the next day to ensure that the original massive

skeleton is still there. It is. It's wearing a really thread-bear Santa hat and like a scarf that's falling apart. Because Tom Savini's not getting on that ladder again. Can I tell you something about that message? Yeah. I was so proud of us of you and I. Because Rob wildly misspelled Tom Sveini's name. Which is insane because Savini's pretty phonetic. It's right there. He wrote it would have been like, Savinia. I was like, do you think it's Chloe 7-Y? What is it happening right now? He must have just psyched himself out on that one. But neither of us commented on it.

And I was like, we have grown as human beings. Because I know that there is a point in both of our lives where we would have been like, ah! And the nice thing is, because he doesn't listen to the show, he'll never know how to spell it. So that's your Savini watch 2K23. I didn't see him barobdid at Home Depot. Look for a house with two skeletons. I don't know where he's going to put the second one because there's no, there's no place. Unless he's just going to put it in his backyard, I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. the th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. So the. So, thean's thean, thean. So, thean, thean. So, thean. So, thean. So, thean's thean's thean's thean's theeeean's place unless he's just gonna put it in his backyard I guess where he's been like setting off pyrotechnics recently I don't know what's happening back there. Of course he has. He's got a flame thrower I know that. Yes, yeah that's what's been happening lately. Which is cool when you live in a densely packed neighborhood. That man is wild. He's a wild man. Yeah. Well anyway. Well anyway, to worse things.

Katie, Alan. This was your pick. This was my pick, and I just want to say thank you for giving me a week off because the night that we were supposed to do this I was like, I can't fucking watch Slenderman. Slenderman. I just couldn't do it. Hi, I'm Paul Slynderman. This is my wife Donna, Donna Slenderman. We'll be standing in the woods, I guess.

I am so glad that the writers of this film were also as confused about Slyndra man's motivations as I was. I feel like they should have sussed out before they made the movie, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Seemingly as disinterested in creepy pasta as I am, the writers of this movie are. Yeah, it was weird. The description of it is, one of the descriptive words is downbeat. It was like, you're not wrong. I like it in jazz. Don't like it in a slenderman movie. Not in a slenderman. And it's a PG-13, so you know nothing, nothing like try- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like th- like the thi- like the the thi- like the the the the the the thi-like the they-like the thi-like thi-like their-like their-like their-c creepy their-c creepy-. Don't like it in the slenderman movie Not in a slenderman and it's a PG-13 so you know nothing like truly good is going to happen. Not a single titty. No titties. One fuck. A lot of minors though so I'm okay with that. No, no, no, I didn't want to see there. I wasn't asking for that. No, no, no, no. We'll. We t. We t. We t. We t. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We. We'll. We. We. We'll. We. We. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. We'll. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. the the th. the the th. the the the th. the the th. the the th. the th. th.ies for your tastes. Inexplicably, anyway. Okay. I find Slenderman from the jump.

I feel like I should reveal this. Okay. I find it not at all scary in any way, shape, and or spooky form. Okay, I don't really know. I know it was a creepy pasta thing. I don't know that really much about the etymology of it, but I do know that those those those those those those those th th those th those tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, but I do know that that those two like 12-year-old girls stabbed their friend over it. She, like 19 times and she somehow survived. I feel like that's one of them very, they're not a very good stabbers. No, I mean really. I feel like I could get it in three. Like how many stabs do you think you would need to kill someone? one. It's shit. I mean, you're hoping one.

You know, you don't want to spoil the m. You're hoping for one. Well, the fear. Exactly. It gets into the mean. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm so grateful that that young woman is fine. Yeah.

Yeah. But like, it's kind of crazy they made this movie after that happened. Yeah. But like, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's, it's like, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho after that happened. For sure. Yeah. But like, this movie has nothing. This movie is nothing. It's like somebody saw the American remake of the ring and we're like, well, what about like teens and nothing scary at the end.

Yes, there are definitely some ring elements in this of like, what's spooky? You like eyeballs? Eye balls are spooky, right? I guess. How about like a tree or something? And a tall guy. I mean, I think a very tall man can be frightening. Sure. Well, I was talking about this with friend of the pod and friend of ours in real life, Dave. Hi, Dave. And we were saying like, so the slenderman kind of came about right in this like liminal space of when photoshopping got better but not great. Okay. And so people were like photoshopping this image and no like old photographs and me like here he is it a child's plague around in the 20s.

See that seems kind of cool right? It does. And but I think that the the photoshopping was crappy enough and the pictures were crappy enough on the internet that you could sort be like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like th th th th th th th th th think that the Photoshopping was crappy enough and the pictures were crappy enough on the internet that you could sort of be like well, maybe maybe he was there Gotcha, but I just think like in general it's not a I guess it's like that uncanny Valley thing of like somebody who's just too tall like There's that scene in it follows where she opens the door to the bedroom and that guy who's too tall has to bend into the to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to tooe?? the the the toozy. toozymeau. toozymeau. toozy. I'm???? too. I's too. I's toe. I's toe. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I was. I was. I was. I'm? I'm? I'm teck. teck. toe. toeck. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the. the. they opens the door to the bedroom and that guy who is too tall has to bend into the bedroom and walk into where they are. Okay. And I feel like that was a spooky big guy. Yeah, not slenderman. But I don't find, he just looks like Jack Skellington. I think he doesn't translate to film well. I can see him being very creepy if you're a teenager looking at the internet late at night and you're dark den and then you have to like turn off the computer and walk into your bedroom. Like yeah, I can see that fucking with you.

But like this guy, what's he doing? Why is he, he can't, it's hard for him to be menacing with that face. Or lack there of, yes. Yes. I do appreciate the, I didn't the the then, I didn't then, I didn't then, I didn't then, I didn't thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thu. thu. thu. thu. that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. t. t. tha. tha. tha. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tean. tea. tea. tean. tea. did where you're like oh cute teens have to walk from their bedroom to the computer and then back again yeah I don't want my kid having a computer in her room she's gonna no no she isn't she can't Kany no I'm bringing a computer over tomorrow and she's gonna have one her bedroom I just noticed my first note is my prediction the prediction thirty thick to to to to th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you th you the the th you the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi teee teeeeean teeeean teeeean. teean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. tean. t get kidnapped. Then we can party again. I just noticed my first note is my prediction, more like crappy poopsta.

Crappy poopsta? Rather than creepy pasta. That's a great auto correct. I do wonder like, are these kids that just didn't grow up with the threat of a neighbor in a white van stealing them off the street? No, I think that stranger danger had passed. So they just have to be afraid of a tall guy in the woods? Yes.

A theoretical tall guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's either God or Slanderter Sure. And you fear it. We are introduced to the main characters of this film, four teenage girls. Mm-hmm. Names I don't know at all. You're talking about Ren, Haley, Chloe, and Katie? I am. That's my name. The last one you should have.

That one I know. They're in high school. to which I just wrote, thi, the high, the high, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, to thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi, thi, to to to to to to to to tho, I th. th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. to thi to to to to to to to to to to to to thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi, school sucks. 100%. The worst. If you all are listening to this in high school, it gets better. Oh yeah, but also like, if you're listening to this in high school, I feel like you're already doing great. Or that. Maybe you're already doing great. Let's go with that.

No, you're definitely super cool. You're a super cool teen. This is when they're talking about what age they would like to be forever. And one of them says 30. It's like the height of sophistication. What the fuck are you talking about? I would like to get the video of either of us at 30 and mail it to them. Yeah. I'm still waiting to hit my peaks of sophistication. What do you think that would look like? Oh, I think I would be less gassy, really.

Okay, all right. All right. Sophisticated ladies don't burp or fart. Right? Sure, sure. Yeah. I'm trash. Anyway, we learned about Dolores Constantine, who is getting pregnant and quitting the track team.

Why do we need to know any of this about that? Like I thought at some point she was going to have to outrun Slenderman because they're making a big deal out of track, but it doesn't mean anything. Like what if she had to beat Slendermen in the 1600s? I think run that pregnancy. Uh, in full disclosure, Katie has watched this movie a lot more recently than I have, so her memory is going to be better of it than mine is. Yeah, I couldn't ask you to watch this movie twice. Oh no, there was no way I was renting this film a second time. I just, this was... Okay, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh, okay, okay, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-a. thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thr-a' thi. I was renting this film a second time. I just, this was, okay.

So, yeah, okay, so there's these four teenage girls. Yeah, they are watching some porn together. I never watched porn with my friends in high school, so maybe times are better now, I don't know. Yeah, because they were like, oh my god, does she actually like that? I guess I didn't they they they they they they thia. they thia. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. tho. th. th. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the the. the the the. the the they theeeeeeeea. thee. the theeea. they. that they were watching porn. Weird. Maybe you just forgot. And then they have the we got to get out of this town conversation because everything

in this is a trope. Yeah, yeah. I think I was just trying to figure out where I knew Ren from. She looks just like my cousin Krista. Maybe that's what you're thinking. She's in a romcom that miss miss miss miss miss miss that Miss Miss that Miss that Miss that Miss that miss that miss that miss that miss that miss that miss thatcom that Missy really likes called Kissing Booth. Oh my god, no it isn't. She loves a team romcom. She loves a team romcom.

Oh, we should make a horror movie called Kissing Booth. The horror is herpes and simplex one or whatever. So they're getting together, they're on the computer and they decide they're gonna summon Slenderman. And they've been drinking drunk dad's their their their their thadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad's thad's thad's thad's thad's thad's thad's thi thi. No thi. No thi. No thi thi thi thi the. She's tho thi tho- th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She loves th. She loves th. She loves th. She th. She th. She th th th th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin to to to to thin to to the toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe to to thin the the the to the the the thtogether, they're on the computer, and they decide they're going to summon Slenderman. And they've been drinking drunk dad's vodka as well. Yes, yes. After we met the little sister who looks up to the big sister and the perfect nuclear family unit and all that.

that was the perfect nuclear family unit. Yeah. Tho, because their dinner seemed very strained and dark. Sure, but this entire movie is almost unwatchable because it's so fucking dark. It was really fucking dark. But yeah, I think they're supposed to be like the healthy family. Okay. And then you've got the and so they're like, oh man we should watch the Slenderman video on Vimeo or whatever. I don't know and one of

them says oh who's Slenderman and another one said he's the guy who makes all those kids disappear. So like you already knew later thiaughed. Later they're doing all this research on like what could slender theyn-sure. Sure. It's like like you you you you you you you you you th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th in the film that he's caused all of these children to disappear. But like, you said it in the first scene. Well, you know. I don't know. We didn't pay attention while we were saying. No, I guess not.

This movie feels like it's eight hours long too. It is interminable. It's an hour and a half. No. th, th, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, you thi, you to to to to to to thi. to to to to thi. to thi. to to thi. thi. thi. You, you's at least three. No. Are you sure? I feel like I spent all last night on it. And I also would not be shocked if you told me that halfway through, they were just like, yeah, we got a whole new writing team. And they weren't allowed to see the original half of the script.

What's that called when it for the third act, too. I wish we'd gotten like a comedy third act. That would have been a lot of fun. So they watch this video and they're like, if you hear the bells. They click on the Summon Him link. The link says Summn Him? Have you never heard of Cyber Security? I was like, yes, I know I'm 40, but like, come on. It's, ayah, yay.

Cybers, as if your, your antivirus protection is going to kick slendermen out of your computer? I think it would. That's the point of the movie, right? He's a virus? What if it was just like your malware bites? theymeat? One slenderment out blocked? You're like, oh, th and th and th and th and th and th and th and, th and, th and're like, oh, thank you. That could have been really bad.

Anyway, bells something, I don't know. So yeah, they watch the video and then like two of them start bugging out and they all start hearing bells. Yes. I thought the bells were just in the video, but I, okay. Maybe. Right. Like, isn't that the whole thing? And the one friend who is, uh, is that? No? the? the. the. the. th. th. the. th. the th. the th. th. th. the the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. B. B. th. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. Bell, th. Bell, the bell. Bell, the bell. Bels. Bels. Bels. Bels. Bels. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. B. the. B. B. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. Well, the. I. Well, the. B. B. B. B. the whole thing? And the one friend who is, is that no? Which one goes missing? Is it Hanley? Katie goes missing, yes, it's just. Katie gets it worst of all of them. Yes.

Katie is the one with the drunk father. She's not having a good home life. She's been talking about wanting to get out of this goddamn town. So seemingly wanting something something something something something something something something something something something better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better better tha tha that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the this goddamn town. So seemingly wanting something better in life makes you more susceptible to the slenderman. I think the movie, what this movie presupposes is that Katie looked at her drunk dad and her friends on one hand, and then on the other hand, Slenderman,

and was like, go in Slenderman. I don't think you would. I don't think you do. But yeah, so he like sort of, in the video, he sort of like comes out from behind a tree. And then they do the ring, quick cycle of images. And it's, some of it's just dollar bills, I think. Yeah, dollar dollar bill y'all. Like, were they just like, what they just like, what does money have a pyramid on it, man? Every Pink Floyd conversation in college, you know what I mean? I will admit that at this point I'm just like, I was kind of stopped to my tracks just going,

the kids really still listen to Fishbone? Because that one girl's wearing a Fishbone t-shirt. Is it back? Is Fishbone? Is it back? Is fishbone back? Is fishbone back? Did the scar revival bring fishbone back too? Wait, wasn't um, in nope, wasn't Kiki Palmer wearing a fishbone t-shirt too? Maybe fishbone is back and we just don't know about it. That's fine, I'm notainful of fish bones. But I just don't believe that children are listening to fishbowlum. Oh, that's gluzy.

As I was telling, once again, Dave from the Event Horizon episode, we were talking the other night and I was saying that when I saw the Lollapalooza concert in 1993, my favorite acts were Primus, Fishbone, and arrest development. Nice, that's incredible. I saw Lala Palousea in like 2003. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was my favorite acts were Jurassic 5, and that's about it. Okay.

Not, certainly not, whatever Jane's addiction turned into. Pornopyros? No, it was Jane's addiction, never mind. Oh Jane's addiction with Flea on bass play, yeah. Yes, yes. And audio slave, I think. It was a weird time of music. Yeah. RIP, Chris Cornell, audio slave are fucking terrible.

Yes, agree. Anyway, they're watching this video like super closely. It's very quiet. And I I wish the video had done one of those like oogly-boogly-frieving face things like when you they'd be like can you spot the differences between these two things and then the ugly-bougly face would pop up which then I wrote at this point and then later in the movie happen they were just they were, they was check-offs, Ugly Bookily. You gotta, yeah, you gotta put the Ugly, Boogley in the third act. Oh my God.

So then, they dream about the video? Yeah, there's a lot of dreams in this movie. And while all of ours are being crutched. Oh my god. So it's one week later, Hallie is waking up from a dream, from a nightmare. Yeah. And finds herself at a cemetery that her class is taking a tour of. Yeah, which I put, I had the note cemetery school.

Yeah, why didn't I get to go to cemetery school? We had to go to like old economy and shit. Well, aren't they supposed to be in like Massachusetts? Oh, it does seem like,, yeah. Yeah, so that's just like littered with cool old cemeteries. Fair enough. But like, I was getting mad at her. I was like, pay attention, this man is trying to tell you about his life's work here at the cemetery and you're just talking with your friends. Yeah, but she's also making oogly eyes with Chad or the the thecrombie Tom Abertombie I love that

So Katie's having a tough time. She's having a rough time. She's either like hallucinating or just looking at some trees I can't tell like perhaps both I It seemed like a Katie was like this like hey kids. don't do drugs without her doing drugs. Yes, very much a PSA. Like she could have melted into a sofa at some point. Yeah. They're like, Katie, are you okay? Let's get out of here. Like, Katie's probably not okay.

You guys are bad fucking friends. Don't leave your friend at the cemetery thing. So here's a thing that I hated. Yeah. Katie, are you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi, tho tho tho tho thi's thi's thi's tho tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theea. thi. thi. thea. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. here's a thing that I hated. Yeah. Katie, are you okay? Cut two Katie's missing and we're all on a bus waiting to find Katie. Yeah. Oh, but why can't we see Katie go? Wait, why isn't there the interlude? Why? I don't know. This slow-ass movie that wants to show me everything. Show me Katie disappearing! There are long stretches of this movie that are meant to be tense and they fall so short. I think this must have been shot and then just cut.

They were like, actually this one's too bad. Because it's really bleak. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. Later that night, I think it's that night, I don't know, it doesn't matter. Halle's at home with her sister, they are home alone. She hears a door slam and goes downstairs. Does not turn a fucking light on in her house? No. And then we see like a slenderman head in the moonlight?

I had to rewind that so many times because I couldn't fucking see what we were supposed to be seeing. Oh, Slenderman too subtle. Slenderman too dark for old mad eyes. Yeah. But it's not Slenderman though, right? No, it's not, it is, isn't it? No, it's, it's, it's, uh, Katie's dad. Oh, right, right, right.

No, but slenderman had been in the living room. Wait, me, I don't know, it doesn't matter. Like, the whole thing is that it would be scary if Slenderman wasn't such a goof. You know? Hey, kids, it's me's Cliverman. Yeah, he seems like a mute, crusty, the clown, and I don't know why. Have you seen the Channel Zero series? No. It's on the shutters. Okay. Oh, which I changed the password. to be a threat. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. th. th. th. th. th. C. C. C. C. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. th. the. the th. th. th. the. th. th. th. the. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. I got to give you a new password. I forgot the password. You could have just texted me. It occasionally logs you out. And so I was like, ugh. It's just a variation of the old password. I'll send it to you.

Okay, thanks. Just tell them all. I've been giving it out. Channel Zero is a TV show where they take a creepy pasta and make a series out of it. Oh. And the first one is, actually, I really enjoyed it. It's about a channel that a bunch of kids in this town, or adults saw when they were kids,

this TV show, that never actually aired. Oh, interesting. But they all have memories of watching it. OK, the kids in the town committed murder because of it. Okay, I like that. That th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. And thi. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi th. And thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. And thi thi. And thi. And thi. And thi thi thi thi thi thee. And thea thea thea thea thea thea thea thea thi thi thi thi thi some of the kids in the town like committed murder because of it. Okay, I like that. Yeah. That sounds spooky. There's also a child that walks around made completely out of teeth. Which is like more upsetting that it sounds like it should be. Okay. Because it clacks before you see it. And then it comes into view and you look, it's a baby made of teeth. Okay, all right. So the stuff the stuff the stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff the stuff th. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. thi. I th. thi. I th. I eth. A baby made of teeth. Okay, all right. So the stuff could be scary, theoretically.

Yeah. But I think Slenderman was just a bad choice. But I think they did because of the murder, right? Or the attempted murder. I mean, it's pretty insensitive. Come on Hollywood. Oh yeah. But no, it's, you're right, it is Katie's dad, who is way scarier than Slenderman. Sure, and way drunker probably.

Way drunker. All, yeah, because Slenderman can't drink, he doesn't have a mouth. He's got a butt, he's got a butt, he's got a butt, the mouth. Oh my god. to try and I was wondering, I was going to ask, I was going, I was going, I was going, I was going, he to eat, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he would to eat, he, he wouldn't, he, he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, to eat, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. to eat, he. to eat, he. to eat, he. to eat, he. th. Yeah, he. Yeah, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he would would would would would would th. Yeah, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't eat, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, to eat, he wouldn't to eat, he wouldn't, he wouldn't, he wouldn his, he just has a smooth butt like a Barbie doll, you know. Have you seen the Barbie movie yet? I haven't yet. I know, I know, I'm a bad, a bad feminist. It's very good. Yeah, I heard it was really, really good. I heard it, it's great. As a man, I even enjoyed it. So thank you so much for telling me that it's very good. So yeah, it's Mr. Jensen looking for Katie. He accuses Haley of being why she's missing.

Yeah. She hadn't hung out with you, she would never have gone missing. He's a bad dude. He's a bad dad. So, um, all information in this film is relayed by the next morning in school, as if these girls aren't constantly texting each other. Sure, which is very weird. Because the next morning she's like, uh, Katie's dad broke into my house last night. What? What? What? Like, no? You know?

What are you talking about? Shouldn't you be in class instead of having this boring conversation in the hallway? Do you like that what Haley's, or Katie's dad is getting arrested? Haley's dad is just standing outside the cop car pointing at him? He's like, you hear me, Jensen? I think this movie is really trying to do a thing of like, we're making four girls the centerpiece you know it's about their relationships it sucks sucks so bad and so they're passing out flyers at school for their missing classmate and I was like pretty sure these people know they know what she looks like they don't

need a photo of her. Save those for strangers. And then one of the kids says, this really puts a weird wrinkle into the story. And I went, no child talks like that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's because they couldn't say fuck.

Yeah, this is real fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, this is real fucking weird. Yeah, PG-13. Although I feel like if I'd seen this movie at 13 I would have been pretty scared. Really? Yeah, yeah. I thought I know, excuse me, I was gonna say I know who killed me. I know what you did last summer scared me. Really? Yes, I remember like making my cousin's come in the bathroom with me to pee after watching that movie. All right. I guess the hills have eyes really scared me when th. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's. I th. I th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm that movie. All right. All right. I guess the Hills Have Eyes really scared me when I was. That's a really scary movie though. Oh, that's what?

That's what? That's a to'er. Whatever. I bet there's a to'e'e's, tha was a newer movie that I really liked that I said was somebody's Texas Jainsell Masquer. Pearl? Pearl? Yes. So that's a movie that's gonna stick with people. Like yeah, I mean if you see a movie at the right time, at the right age and it hit you. Yeah. I remember having nightmares as a six-year-old after watching Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My kid has definitely had nightmares about particularly frightening episodes of Elena of Avalor.

So, it's a Disney princess program. Okay. Mm-hmm. So the teen girls are going to break into Katie's house. Like don't go into his home after what just happened, like, what the fuck teen girls? No wonder thinks you're stupid like you're doing the demographic dirty do you think any women wrote this movie no god no no and who knows better how a teenage girl would behave than a middle-aged man that's why I could tell you that Barbie was very good again again thank you I you. It really matters to me.

So here's where I started writing notes just to entertain myself. Like, they're going to go in the back door. A, K.A. The B. Alan. I'm glad that entertained you though during this incredibly long scene of them going around Katie's. They seem to live in a trailer. I feel like he's going to to to to to to to to to to to the to th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the thate that thate thate thate thate thate really really really really really really matters matters th. It th. It th. It thathe thathe thathe thathe their the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that. It that. It really really really that. It really, that. It really, that. It really, it really, it really, it really, it really, it really, that that that that that that that that thate. of them going around Katie's they seem to live in a trailer I feel like he's gonna hear you at best a like shotgun or like shack somewhere oh man oh god this movie was arduous it really was they're like going through Katie's room they see that she has like slender man shit everywhere yeah she has a mini-occult library. She's a mini-ocult library.

She was like, I feel like she was writing like Katie Hart Slender Man all over her notebooks, like practicing signing her name like Katie Man, Katie Man. I'm Mrs. Slendie. And then Hallie's like, I know where her Heidi hole is. Let's to keep the c a c a c a c a c c c c c c c c c c ci the ci the ci the ci the the ci the the the the the the the the the the the the the t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I's t. I'm a t. I's t. I's a mini, t. I's a mini library. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's like, I's like, I's like, I's like, I's like, I's like, I's like. I's like. I's like. I's like. I's like. I's like. I's like. I's like. I t. I t. I t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. I feel. I feel like, t. I t. I t. I know where her Heidi Hole is. Let's check her Heidi hole out. She used to keep cigarettes in here. This movie tells you everything instead of showing it, which is whatever. But instead she has a Chromebook, let's look at it and see what's on it. They just take it.

Let's just take it. Yeah. Wouldn't the police not? Oh, forget it. Okay. So Katie was looking at videos of other people meeting the slender man. Yeah. And Katie made a video of going to meet the slender men. Yeah. And then they get a message on Katie's laptop. Who was it from? Alleycat? Yeah. Why was it spelled like that? I don't know. Maybe that was the original user who came up with Slenderman. To entertain myself I added 69 to their name. Good, All the Cat 69. Nice. But like

you're right though, like they're in this scene, they're basically reading the movie to you. They're like, wow, look, Katie posted a video, wow, it's from the night she disappeared, you know? Here, let's cut to Katie now. And the only one one one one one the only one the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the only, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the only, the only, th. I. I. I th. I the. I theat. I theat.eat. I. I. I. I added. I got. I. I. I. I got. I. I got. I've. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. the. the.'s from the night she disappeared, you know? Here, let's cut to Katie now. And the only, one of the only icons on her desktop is Microsoft Edge, and I was like, that kid doesn't fucking use, what is she binging it? There's a wrinkle in the story. Let me check Edge for that. Yeah. They start chatting with Alley, right? Yeah.

Or someone does. I think it's a... I think it's Haley. Haley? Yeah. Yes, and she tells Alley Cat that Katie is missing and the reply is of course she is. Yeah. But like no, like who is this? How do you know? Katie? Nothing. No typical questions you'd ask you'd ask you to, I don't know, when seated at a wedding. Exactly. Which, ALECast 69 is like, you got to go barter for. Yeah, it depends on what you're willing to give him. He knows you are interested. And interested is an interesting word to use here. Like what does that mean to slender man? He's like, you can sniff out that

you're like a little hot for him? Yeah, send dick picks. I'm Slenderman. Yes. Is it that subtle? So they have to offer up something they love. I genuinely thought Hallie was going to sacrifice her little sister. Like I wanted her to open her backpack and have her sister cramped in it. Not what happens. So I can't remember what they bring with them. Dumb shit. Trinkets and nonsense. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what would you have brought at 15 to the woods just to sacrifice? My get-up kids, CD? It's just to sacrifice something. My Get Up Kids CD. My Slayer Rain and Blood cassette. And that's the 10-year difference. Oh no, 10 years later I definitely had that Get Up Kids record. Oh yeah, no, I'm just saying between you and me at the age of 15. But yeah, you kind of want to shake Katie and be like a man is not a plan, you know, and a slender man isn't even less of a plan. Because it seems like that, they're

like maybe she just wanted to get out of here. Maybe she just, maybe she took off with him. Her and Slenderman driving cross country. You just reminded me of my favorite palindrum. What's that? A man, a plan, a plan, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a canal, a th. It's a th. It's a th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A th. A th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a th. A, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a tha tha tha tha tha tha, a tha, a tha, a tha, a th? A man, a plan, a canal? Panama? It is a great canal. It's one of my favorites. It's one of my favorites. It's one that I like. There's Suez. You got the Eerie. Eerie. Erie Canoe. And Ere canal. And birth canal. And birth canal. Sir. Oh, I'm sludgeman here talking about the birth canal. Are you interested? Mm-hmm? And the birth canal? And? And? And? And, and birth? And, and, the? And, the? And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, man here talking about the birth canal. Are you interested? What? What is Slenderman is just a representation of horny on the internet? I mean, I think Slenderman is an allegory for a lot of things, all of them stupid.

Don't do drugs. Don't get horny. Stay off the internet. Don't click links if you don't know what they're going to. It it. like the we meet we see there's the teenage boy group too. And they're like no we didn't do that we were really gonna summon slender man we chickened out. And it's like how dare this movie make teenage boys look like the smart. Oh yeah. My god. We're so smart. We were so smart, so very, very smart. It's like barely human. Feral, fucking, ridiculous monsters. You can get a teenage boy to do anything in this world, I feel.

Yeah, it's terrible. We're practically masturbating ourselves into oblivion. So yes, they show up. They have all their little trinkets. And Wren is like, I'm surprised you didn't bring one of your trophies or medals. Like, why is it time to get shitty? Out of nowhere.

I don't know. But she also says, don't look in his face, because if you do, you're messed up forever in some very non-specific way, because this movie can't decide what Slender Man actually does. He does it all and he does nothing. He does it all, he does nothing and he does it badly, yeah. So they have to get blindfolded. Who told them this?

The internet. Okay. Ren read it on the internet. All right, good. So they're laying there, are blinfoa it because the movie's so fucking dark. Yes. But see, Alan, that's to make you feel like you're blindfolded too. Yeah. Well, it just makes my second screen experience that much more enchanting. Yeah, it's so bright.

So they hear some twig snapping. And then they hear the bell. Dong. And. DONG. And Chloe takes her blindfold off and runs! I can't say I blame her. No, of course not. No. You're peeking under that thing nonstop.

Yeah. We see Slenderman's Fingers around the tree. I think Slenderman's Fingers around the tree. I think the big fat sausage. He's a mean piano. What do you think Sunderman's favorite song is? Oh, it's got to be something from a nightmare before Christmas. Yeah, perfect. I mean, I'm going to go with Black Hole Sun because the rest of this movie is basically a cross-between, like, Black Hole Sun and the Shining for Children.

Kids bop shining! Yeah, exactly. I heard that Slenderman is like a ultra mega okay sound garden fan. Like it doesn't like anything past bad motor finger. Okay, yeah, that's fair. He's really like, he's old-stool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, old school. Yeah.

Anyway, that girl runs headlong into a tree, which is my favorite scene in the movie. I almost wish it just like kept happening over and over. Yeah. Yeah. Rip her, but not really, because Slenderman also just sometimes keeps them in some sort of in some sort of slender holding area. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

There seems to be like a waiting period before you're actually go to slendy. They keep sort of like changing the stakes where like he might kill you, for some people he makes you insane. For some people he just gives you really dark circles under your eyes and totally ruins your complexion. Just don't, I don't know. But like boys is just going to look suspicious for the two of them when their other friend disappears. Sure. Luckily, they're just girls and no one would suspect them of anything.

Again, like why this... Hmm... A yay, yay. If I were this girl, the girl who got stabbed his parents, I would sue these people for traumatizing me again. Just being insensitive pricks. Uh, yeah. So now we get the scream scene where Chloe's in her bedroom and she gets an

unknown video call and picks it up? Sure. Who would do that? Yeah. No. Also, Slenderman has a slender phone because he calls her on it. I'm sorry. What? Are you underwater? Are you underwater?

No, no, I'm in the woods. I can't hear you. I'm hanging up. I'm real long. You're real long? If you know what I'm me. Oh my god, Slenderman. Hang up.

I'm a miner. I'm going to send gonna send you a slender pick if that's okay. No. So the video call is taking place out on the street. Yeah. And then I actually did like it going through the doors and walls. I thought that was a decently scary little touch. Oh, I'm always going to be a sucker for someone showing you a video of your house. Yeah. It's spooky. Slenderman goes where slenderman wants th is th is th is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thii's thi's thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. I's thi. thi. thi. thee. thei. tei. today. too. too. too. too. thi. thi. thi. I's thi. S. I's the. Yeah. It's spooky. Slenderman goes where Slenderman wants, I guess. Which is weird because he's also not the most inconspicuous character, but I guess he's a really high dexterity for hiding. I don't know. Well, he could turn sideways and no one can see it. That's really good. That's really true. He's coming upstairs and then she opens her door and then sloven's in her room. to be coked. the the the the. the the. the the. the the. the the. the the. the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most. the most the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. the most. I. the most. the most. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's t. It's t. I's t. It's t. I's t. t. t. te. te. the the the the the the the the the the th. I's the th. I's the the t. But then slenderman's in her room I guess. Yeah, how to get there? She gets choked. She gets choked. But then when she looks in the mirror, was she just choking herself? I couldn't tell if she was choking herself or like pulling

at invisible hands. Well if you could see the you... Yes, she was choking herself. She's the slenderman now dog. Okay, because slenderman sometimes becomes you? Yes. Sure. Let's go with that. I think that's more thought when they put into the script. What you just did there. Okay, okay. Uh, and for some reason the girls are covering for her in school? Yeah, they're like, she just has a cold. Like, her seat is empty, so I presume she's dead.

Yeah. Like, I don't know. I don't know. th, th, th, th, th, thu thu thu thu thu thu thu. thu. thu. thu. thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I don't know. And then Chad Jockman is talking to Haley and he's like, how are you holding up, kid? Everything alright? He says to her, tomorrow's Friday. We got the weekend coming up. No shit, that's what Friday means. It's only like you've been working hard all this week. I'm gonna punch this clock on Friday. I'm gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonna gonnauskies down the pub. You wanna join me? Here's where I wrote, Slenderman hanging out in the woods by the high school. Grow up Slenderman. The thing that I long is Slenderman is then, the older I get, the freshmen stay the same age. Slenderman, you're a fucking pervert.

Slendermen have a penis. Yeah, but it's real slender. But is it like proportionally long? It's like a fetichini? Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. He's got a fetuini. Help, call me creepy pots. Okay all right. So we they start doing research oh my god I love the library bits of this like what the fuck and they realize that Abizu is the stealer of children yes wasn't that the main monster in Sinister? It was in something I knew I recognized the name. I think it was sinister I think it's the thing in Sinister that the main monster in Sinister? It was in something.

I knew I recognized the name. I think it was Sinister. I think it's the thing in Sinister that Ethan Hawk is being haunted by. When that steals his daughter and makes her kill. See, I think that was something else. All right, well, we're gonna paw down for a second one. OK. Doot, do, do, doo, doo, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, that, oh, da, I, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, it, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, th. th. th. th. th. th. Doot, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, do-de-de-de-da-da-da-da-da-dapad-dink, dink, dank, dink-dank, skankety-de-boo.

All right, come on, come on, Wikipedia. Just tell me what the fuck the name of the monster is. I feel like it started with a bee. Oh, that's right, that's that's that's that's that's that because he was Mr. Boogie. Oh, right. Oh, yes, I'm sorry. Forgive me. Sinister's creature was named Bugle. Bugle, that's right, an Italian meat. Yeah. Between. But we've had something that had a bazoo in it.

I think you're thinking of Pazuzu from the Exorcist too. OK, I don't know. I think we've had a weird year of demons here in the year of our Lord 2023. The Samarian God that, was it Heath didn't believe was real when we did the game of the Soapes. I don't even remember. Or maybe it was Eli who didn't think, they thought they made up Pazuzzo because they mean so funny. Speaking of stupid, Ren is on the internet. She types into

Google or whatever search search net. Pattern of missing children and I thought I wonder if the FBI thought to search that. Like she just keeps clicking further and further into the internet and you just feel like she's gonna come out of it believing that the earth is flat and that like drinking tap water will kill you. You know there's a new cue drop coming and I think this is really important. This is where she finds the slender man photoshopped photos which are so fucking funny. They're so bad. They're not spooky in any way shape or form.

Would you like to hear another joke that I wrote for myself? Sure. This is for me and me alone. Good thing you're telling you to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to all to to all to to to to to to to to all to to to to to the the the their their their their their their their their their f. their their their their their their their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I's. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. I. I. S. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. t. t. t. t. t. t. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the myself? Sure. This is for me and me alone. Good thing you're telling you to all these people. When she goes around the corner and the librarian scares her I said more like Lyscarian. Oh boy. Katie I'm grasping at straws here. I love that you were like no I can work this in. The librarian's straight glaring at her too. I was like encouraged literacy, you know? Yeah, but you know this girl's just looking at freaky-deaky shit. Get her out of the library. She is in the bioelectric section of the library, but you can tell it's a serious library because the lights are down really low.

Yeah, and then they go out entirely. And I thought about that scene in UHF of Conan the librarian. Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System? And so she's getting chased by the slenderman. It's another sort of spooky scene straight out of scream. And then this didn't happen in Scream. Stole her face. Stole her face. I'll tell you what. No, now she's a slender woman. But it was just an elucination. The whole the whole like camera perspective and CGI in this makes it look like she's in a Jemiracai video too.

And I wrote my own I wrote myself a note here it says I think Jumirroquai actually ruled, but I could be wrong. Look this up. I didn't look it up. I feel like canned heat is got to be a good song, right? I don't know. All right, I'll listen to it later. Is that a Jamiroquai's song? Wasn't it? There's a band called Can. No. The only thing I remember from them is the couch is trying to beat him up or whatever's happening. I liked that song. Maybe Jamearquai kicks ass. Somebody tell me, somebody write in and let me know. Oh, huh. I'm saying to you know, I just want to get like, I don't know, middle-aged lady drunk and dance dance music. Oh yeah, that's probably like, oh, thii. Oh, yeah. that's like, like, thi. the they. they. they. they. they. they. th. th. they. they. th. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tell. tom. Somebody. Somebody, like, like, somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody. Somebody. Somebody. to to to to to to me. Somebody. Somebody. Somebody. to me. to me. to me. Oh, somebody. Oh, somebody. Oh, somebody. Oh, somebody. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, t. Oh, t. Oh, to. Oh, to. Oh, toda. Oh, today. Oh, today. Oh, today. Oh, today. Oh, today. Oh, like, oh man, I just want to get like, I don't know, middle-aged lady drunk and dance around us and tomorrow. Oh yeah, putting like one finger up on either side and just kind of like pointing at

the air while you shift your hips back and forth like you're a drunk aunt at a wedding. Give me more ice wine. I'm a square. So, there's this really protracted scene of Slynderman like touching her face with his hands, and it's taking so long that it isn't scary because the poor girl cannot sustain her fear. She's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I'm so scared. She's not Russell Crowe. And. That's a hint for next week. Anyway, yes, she's a slender woman now. She's got the no face. Oh, right. But then she doesn't. But then she's back to normal and they go see Chloe.

It was all a dream. Who's staring out the window but can't see them? Because Chloe has been slendermended. But for some reason they're really unwilling to out the window but can't see them? Because Chloe has been slender-mended. But for some reason they're really unwilling to share their experiences with each other. Like, Wren doesn't want to tell Hallie about this, and Hallie doesn't want to tell Ren about the dreams she's having. And it's very like, but why? But I think that's kind of going into how young women are kind of taught taught touught to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to of taught not to support each other. What if I tried that?

It's been a really long time since I was a teenage girl, but what I recall distinctly about it is not being able to keep my fucking mouth shut, which has not changed. They're going to tell each other. Yeah, uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Oh, yo. But in a very teenage girl moment, Ren and Hallie are like, like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? that, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? that, what? that, what, what? I, what? that, what? What, what? What, what, what? What, what? What, what? What, what, what, what, what? What, what? What, what, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, what, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, what, what, that, what, what that, what that, what that, what th. each other. Yeah, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, yoy. But in a very teenage girl moment, Ren and Hallie are like yelling at each other about what they need to do, and Hallie's basically just like, I'm getting out of here, I'm not doing anything

with this slenderman anymore. And she's like, I have a real life's wrong with Tom? Like immediately into boy mode? Just like, I don't know, her character is inexplicable. I love that her motivation goes from saving her friend to I want to get lightly fingered. Yes! Drop of a hat. Honestly. Listen, I know we're worried about Chloe right now, but you know. Gotta get fingered. Lightly. Lightly.

Yeah, she's like, I can't go see Chloe. I have track and her friends like, I thought you cared about Chloe. It's like, but she's not going to get a scholarship from Chloe, so maybe pick track practice. Oh, I see you've done a lot of Chloe. That's been near a CV. Oh my god. I have a note that says this movie has become a killer of my worlds. Yeah. I don't know what that means, but yeah, something was happening.

The Oppenheimer of films. Yes. Did you see that? No. No. No. No. No. Bad dude.

Yeah. She goes on her date with the boy and they immediately start heavy petting. I really hoped that when she knocked on his door that Slenderman was going to answer the door at Tom's house and he'd be all like, I'm sure. My mom brought cheetos. He just says cheeto dust. He just says cheeto dust all over his burlap face. You're like, oh, it's disgusting. It's just the outline of where his mouth should be in Cheeto Dust. Yeah, you can actually see his mouth now. The Cheeto Dust has made it corporeal.

You want to come in and watch Ren and Stimpy. And of course he loves vinyl. That makes total sense for this character, Abercrombie Tom, who just wants to make out and get lightly fingered. Give light fingering, I suppose. Give light fingering. Tripp the light fingering task. And it's like, what is it, like Simon and Garfunkel or something he's playing for this girl? No, he's not. No, he's not. Let me tendencies record? No, he's not. No, but you just, so when tool sounds...

No, no, so they're getting pretty hot and heavy on this leather couch, and all of a sudden, he turns into an ugly, boogily face and starts warping in and out with like a carnival fun house laugh behind it, and I laughed laughed so hard I actually hurt my side. Man what fucking goosebumps reading kid is going to be afraid of this when this happened? That was mind boggling that they made that and they were like no put it in the movie. Oh that's scary. You did it. It was the carnival laugh. It like, what? Oh my god. It was so good. Tom, you have to promise me you won't watch that video. You won't go on that site, Tom. It's so sincere. It makes me so depressed. Is this just a stand-in for porn hub?

I don't know. I don't know. The next scene is Ren just carving he wants us in the lab table, which is also very much a lull. Maybe they did do a comedy third act. Maybe I just didn't notice it at the time. Yeah, they're in some sort of lab. I like this world where high school students can just show up whenever they want. They're just like trickling in. That's not how it works. No. And now we see that Tom's arms are bruised. Yeah. Why? Even slenderminned. So for Tom it just squeezes his arms and forces him to wear a hat. Uh-huh. And not make eye contact with Haley. Okay. All right. Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He watched that video, she told him not to. It's funny because his

storyline is never wrapped up. Nope, the end. Just floats away. Ladies and gentlemen, that's has been deleted. All right. She's also wearing shoes on her own bed, which I found to be absolutely appalling. What kind of parents you got there? You're disgusting. Yeah, come on. Who's raising these children? She hears a voice saying, Hallie? And she keeps going, Katie?

No, probably not, dude. She just goes out into the darkness of the trees outside her home. Uh-huh, right into the woods. Yeah, sees Katie in the woods. Here's where I wrote, I need to foster a relationship with my daughter where she feels comfortable talking to me about slendermen. Because if any of these kids had just talked to their parents, maybe they'd have gotten them some psychiatric help. Hey, I need to have the talk with you. I don't want to talk about sex mom. No, no, slenderman. The slenderman. Sometimes you're going to barf up a slenderman. Oh, put a Jimmy head. to thoom, the the thoom, thine, thine, thine, thine, thine, thine, thine, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu-a, tho, tho, tho, th, the, tho, tho, I' tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll tho, I'll th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, th, th, th, th, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. th, I I th, I th, I th, I th. th. th. th. th. that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, that, that, that, that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I'll that, I on the slenderman. Yeah. We have another, it was all a dream.

But then it's a dream within a dream where she barfs up a slenderman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or mushrooms or something? Yeah, she just ate too many mushrooms. That happens to everyone sometimes. And then she's pregnant? She's a slender mom.

Fuck that. It was all a dream again. Instead I just wrote, oh shit, she got raw dog by Slenderman. I mean, he must have a penis then. Yeah, Benacini. How does he have like a hole? No. How's he blowing a load? How's Slender Man blowing a load? Hold on.

Dear Internet. I'm sure someone has written that. Oh my God, we live in a weird th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I thi, I wish, I thi, I wish, I wish, I'd thi, I'd th, I'd th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I'd thin, I'd thin, I'd thin. thin. thin. I wish, thin. thin. thin. I wish I'd thin. I'd thin, I'd thin, I'd thin has written that. Oh my god, yeah of course. Yeah, God we live in a weird time. So her little sister is possessed and she's dying at the hospital or something. He, the dad comes in and he says blood tests are negative, she's going to be fine. Negative for what? Slendermen! Slendermen! Many, many slender men. This is where I wrote maybe slender man is an allegory for the faceless care you receive in the American medical system. What if it was an allegory for anything?

I don't know. I was like, oh no, Lizzie said, oh no, she's having face spasms, what is happening? I don't know. And then Hallie's wandering around and she sees like a woman in a bathtub having her hair combed Yeah, and there's like a family in one room and the mom has like a blur face Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, it gets a little nine-inch nails music video at this point in time. It does like she starts walking towards like he probably played college volleyball, you know? I don't know. I don't know. Oh man. So then Lizzie or where Haley goes out into the woods again? I don't know. Or we're in the woods without her or something? I think she finds the video where Ren has taken her little sister to the woods.

That's right, that's right. And all this because kids had unfettered access to the internet, I'm telling you. And now Lizzie is in the hospital shrieking? I don't know. And saying he had no face? Yeah, something like that. Uh, and here I have the note where the parents are very upset and I was like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all, and all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all, and all, and all th. And, th. And, th. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. And, thi. And, that's thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, that? And here I have the note where the parents are very upset and I was like I don't know maybe find out why your daughter has become so greasy. She's so dirty. So dirty. Get that kid a shower. So yeah. So yeah we're in Ren's house for

some reason. I think Hallie has gone into her house to confront her about taking her her sister to see Sunderman. And making the video yeah yeah yeah so she's on her computer and she sees like a,. There, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their th. their their their their their their th. their th. their th. their th. their, their their their their th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. th. the. thea, thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thin. thea. I'm thea, thi. I'm th. I th her sister to see Sunderman? And making the video, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's on her computer and she sees like a, there's all this code in the background? Sure, I don't mean, yeah, I guess she's hacked the mainframe. And there's one thing that just says Alley Cat, Allison Riley, it's like, where is this from? What the user name database? I don't know. I don't know. But Wren gets jerked out the window by the slenderman?

No, she was standing on the ledge, ready to jump, and her friend drags her back in with her extra training really paid off for like her quick reflexes and all. And here's where I have the note, just kick Slenderman on the balls. Yeah. He's got a really wide crotch, just kick Slenderman on the balls. He's got a really wide crotch just lay in there. Oh yes, because his legs are so slender. Yeah.

Nope, he's got mad thigh gap. Here's where I wrote, Slender Man and Mothman sharing a phone plan, calling up these girls and Richard Gere, which is, I think, a buddy comedy I had begun to write in my head. I was really hoping you were going to keep rhyming that. Slenderman and Mothman, sharing a phone plan, doing whatever they can. Richard Gere, I love you, ma'am. I love starting and ending it with man. Also having man be three of five rhymes. That's called an internal Rimsky?

I have no idea. External external. External rimes. Is Slenderman now a cricket or he works with the crickets maybe? I don't know. Is he a tree? He certainly has tree like qualities. But now she's the tree? Oh wait, Sunderman pulls her through the window, because I wrote that's a lot of property damage. And she gets turned into a tree where I have a note that just says good ridden. Oh, when her face becomes a tree? Oh, my god. Wait, I have so many, so many, so many notes before then. Well, not so many. Slenderman is a spiderman, but I guess spiderman was taken. What did you think would happen when you told the sl the sl the sl the sl the sl tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. Oh. Oh. Oh. S. S. S. thoen. thoen. S. Oh. S. thoen. thoome. Oh, thoome. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. S. th. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. What did you think would happen when you told the slenderman to take you?

Now she's a tree and now she'll never win the 1600 meters. And then slenderman has destroyed the nuclear family? See? Is this a morality tale about misinformation on the internet? Oh yeah. Take that Q and on and Lizzie wakes up screaming for her boo. My last note is what happened to Tom? His storyline is just never resolved. Who? Oh, oh! Katie. Alan! You picked it, you rate it. Stop! It's terrible. Oh my god, it's so bad. I don't know if we've ever done such a cash grab of a movie. Um, it's minus 19. Oh wow. Yeah,'t know if we've ever done such a cash grab of a movie. It's minus 19. Oh wow. Yeah, one for every stab wound that poor girl got. It's worse than Bub-I-Man.

Yeah, oh yeah. Definitely worse than Empty Man. Oh yeah, empty Man had some good quality. Oh yeah, for sure. Or at least we're retroactively claiming that. Do we do any other man movies? Hmm. Anyway, this movie fucking sucked. I'm going to give it a zero. It's terrible. Don't ever watch this. Don't let your friends watch it. No. Make sure Tom doesn't see the video. Guys you have to promise me you'll never watch this movie. Promise me! Aye, ay, ay.

Aye, aye. Sorry, dude. I'm sorry. No, it is. It was definitely the way. I remember you asking me last week. You were like, so it's terrible. And I was like, yeah, we're going to have a really good time talking about.

Katie. Katie, can I read you a message from Patron? I would love that. I'm Christopher. Hi Christopher. Grew up in Oakmont. Oh hey! And just love the Pittsburgh vibe. Hi, Ann Stan. I haven't been home in forever, so imagine my horror to hear that there's such a thing as Iron City mango. What, dude? It's actually delicious. Yeah, do you not like Joy? Are you mad at Joy? You hate scaw, too, don't you, Christopher? I'm one of those who heard your guest appearance on GAM and just dove into the show. I've been in bed for six days with a nasty COVID infection.

You guys helped me hang on. I'm sorry. Much appreciated. I hope you're feeling better. Christopher, you have all of our hopes for your quick recovery. Yeah. Apparently this current strain of COVID's a real bear. Yeah, Yeah. What are you gonna do, man? What are you gonna fucking do? You know, go wear a mask when you go to the pharmacy. That's what I did today. Christopher, thank you so much and I hope you're feeling better. Thank you so much for being a patron. And you're for being a patrone. And you're wrong about icy light mango. You've got to get back here and try one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to do some tree trim in the other day and then had one. It's got to be ice cold. It's got to be ice. I'm the true. Preferably on. Pre-I Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to. I th. I try. I try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. th. to day and then had one immediately afterwards. It was fucking delightful. I hope that you just keep them in your fridge for me. I also like the Missy when I got here to tell was like,

get this out of here and I was like, no. If you want to join the ranks of Christopher and hear us talk about action movies every month, of which there are at least 36. Yeah, we just did a Pee we just did a Pee's a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a pe, th., th, th, th, th., th., th. th. th, th, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th., th., th., th., th., th., th., th., th., th. the. to to the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the.e.e.e. thi. th You're grasping at air. You can go to Patreon.com backslash.welf ambulance. And if you don't want to do that or you can't do that, it's fine because this will be free forever until one of us dies. Mm-hmm. Oh, thank you to the person who sent us the picture of their where wolf ambulance phone case. Yes, it brought me a lot of joy. Thank you so much. You crazy.

You're crazy. Just us in your pocket all the time. Pocket buds. Oh, we're touching that person's butt. What? Because it's a picture of us. Yeah, but no, they're keeping in their front pocket. We're just rubbing their thigh. Oh, you fit a phone in your front pocket. Yeah, where you put your phone? My back pocket. Oh, all right. Sir. This is that 10 year age gap. No, it's that I'm a woman and they don't give women good pockets. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I just keep mine on a clip on my belt. Oh, yeah. Next to your Billy Club.

Like a real contractor. Oh, oh, speaking of contracts with the devil, what are we doing next week? Wow. We were going to do Jacob's ladder, but obviously I've been feeling a bit down. And thank you to everyone who was kind about that on the internet. And fuck all of those of you who weren't. Um, and you're fine anyway. I mean, seriously, like if... Yeah, fuck it.

Fuck it. So it, give it. Fuck it. So Alan pitched me something else instead. I squealed with glee when I saw this movie was available on the Netflix. And what is it? The Pope's Exorcist. Oh, a spicy meat the bar. Starring known Italian, Russell Crow. Russell Crowe.

When the moon hits your eye like Russell Crow, that's a possession. The Pope's fucking exorcist. Oh, what a delight. Oh, God, it's everything I wanted it to be and so much more. It's so fucking bad. It's so bad that it's we got to do it. It's a chef boyard. Chef Boyard. So come up back next week for the pop sexist. We gonna do an offensive accent all a week. Until we get to the episode. Oh yeah, then we'll drop it. Uh, thank you so much for listening.

Thanks for being patroans. If you're a patron, if not, thank you for listening. Yeah. Thanks to everybody who's been buying stuff on T-Public recently. Oh, great. And, yeah, take care of yourselves and take care of those around you. Tell your friends that you love them. Be cool.

Just be cool, man. Be fucking cool, man. And why is there a eye on the pyramid? What? That pyramid can see me while I'm in the bathroom. Yeah. That's touching my butt. That is touching your butt. Bye. Thanks for listening to an episode of Weir Off Ambulance.

I'm sorry, I've already left. Bye, bye. Bye. thi. Slender? Oh, you don't get one. I'm okay. You're stuck. Mady acts in on dead pools, Savini's tidings at the pool. No way to wait, let's keep a-filled revues. Kill a glass and let the face, can live in every space.

A few times I'm past in case. Please make I continue to break. EFT. Marlboro and comedy reviews hungry Brian from Wayneings and Stephen King. E.D. We live deliciously, bad trees, obese, recently gone today.

A paranormal act in tis. From Mr. Rogers to me. E.T. E.T. Mr. Rogers said, EFT, EFT.