Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 485- The Mummy (2017)

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

In this week's episode, we're making lemonade out of Xenu with the 2017 Tom Cruise reboot of "The Mummy." Uuuuunnngggghhhh. Special topics for your consideration include: what happens when Tom Cruise ceases to be charming, being mad at the Dark Universe while having only a very cursory understanding of what it is, pity for Jake Johnson, more Law & Order alums, and some mummies, zombies, action sequences that manage to be deeply boring, and unfathomable romance (this fucker has it all).  Haha Tom Cruise sucks. He was also in Episode 76, titled "????" from when we used to remember to do April Fool's episodes (it's "Days of Thunder" which is actually a great movie and don't let anyone tell you otherwise) and Episode 190- "Interview with the Vampire."  The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. It's Cold War month and we'll be discussing "Red Dawn" because our listeners hate me. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever.   If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

Good morning from my deep and abiding sadness at having to watch this movie. That's my first note. Oh buddy. Yeah. What the fuck Alan? My first note is whoops sorry about to dark universe. Oh god. Um, I so to my knowledge, yes, we are the only movie review podcast out there. As far as I know, if I were going to start another one that would be like way more more successful and popular than ours, I might call it how did this get made?

But that's an interesting thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My question to you, Alan. Yeah. Why did this get made? So the only thing I can think is that Marvel movies were raining fucking supreme at this point in time. It's 2017? Yeah, yeah. So Marvel movies are like owning everything. No longer the case because they literally shit the bed.

Oh really? They're not good anymore? I mean not good. I don't mean good, but I mean making Brazilians of dollars. So they started like underpaying and underfunding their CDI departments. Isn't that their bread and butter? Yes. Okay, all right, all right, all right capitalism, I see. I don't know if underfunding is correct, but like, hey we've got to do this and then you've got to do this and then you've got to do this and then you've got to this and then you've got to do this and then you've got to do to do to do to do to do to do to do th and do to do th and th and to do this and th and to do this and so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th and th and th and th and the. the. the. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then. And then. And th. And the. And then. And then. And so. And then. And so. And so. And so dying. Gotcha, gotcha. So the movie, like the CDI started looking shittier and shittier.

Nice. And they just kept putting it out. So people were like, this is bad and you're doing a bad. Wow, what a quickfall from Grace, I feel. Less than a decade, yeah. So yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, so this was, this was universal going, hey, hey, hey, what if we, what, like, hear me out. What if the mummy, Frankenstein and Drapola were superheroes?

I remember seeing the trailer for this when I went to see Kong Skull Island, a movie that I adored. Great, fantastic movie. I remember seeing the trailer for this and just being like, but why? Why? This is the ultimate why? It never needed to be. The worst thing for me about this is that I feel so bad for Jake Johnson. Yeah, he's is terrible in this. But I also feel like he's like, I'm in a Tom Cruise movie, I'm in a movie that's gonna start a fucking franchise. This is my big break.

This is like, okay, all right, let's do this. And he's like, he's also like kind of playing the best friend from. Top Gunn, he's Anthony Edwards. Right? Oh. He's not his wingman. He's playing the best friend from American Warwulf in London. Oh yeah you're right about that. And so like he's like the dead friend who comes back to explain the plot of the movie to him.

Alternately evil Ed. Yes, yeah yeah. Oh boy though what a fucking slog. This is the most boring action movie I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen a whole like dozen action movies. Yeah. Yeah, out of the 12 you've seen, this is the most boring. How can you make action boring? Uh, well, if you get a very disinterested, Tom Cruise. I couldn't tell if he was disinterested or just plastic to the gills. I don't know if he just got like a bad dose of Botox

like right before they filmed some of these scenes and was just absolutely unable to move. They accidentally Botox's his personality so that couldn't move? I mean that would probably be a good thing. Fuck Scientology. Isn't he also like out? No really really? I thought it hurts of the recently like him in Scientology around the house, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe because he made his wife give a silent birth. I will never stop thinking about that as long as I live. It lives rent-free in my brain. But just to know that that could happen and we still have the quiet place movie or whatever those. Oh man, they're still making those. I do want the new the new the new the new the new the new the new the new the new th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. tho. th. that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that that that that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. I that's. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I. I that. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. thi. tho. the. the. tho. the. I'm thi. I'm thi. still making those. Although I do want to see the new one with Lopita Nuyango

because she's amazing. She's dope. And like, the first day of the guys who don't want you to make noise seems more interesting than multiple years into the guys who don't want you to make noise. Yeah, I don't need your weariness. Yeah, he's absolutely not... Okay. No. He's an outspoken advocate for the Church of Scientology, which he credits with helping him overcome dyslexia? Did they just do like some practice?

They just told the letters didn't matter. What is their god called again? Zeno? See, those words don't matter. Those letters, nothing. Oh, so we open on England Crusaders Latin Dead Guy. I really don't fucking know. Funton Templar. Yeah, yeah, some bull shit in 1127 England. Sure. You know, I have to admit that I normally start movies at regular speed, and then I'll speed them up as I go.

I started this at 1.3. I was like, there's just no fucking way. Wow. All right. And what's how do we watch this film? Uh, well, I watched it in two separate portions? Well, I watched it in two separate portions. Well, I started're very vibrant.

They look nice. Uh, so, Knights Templar, some expedition, who gives a shit, now it's present day? Yeah, they make present day England kind of look like a dump. Yeah. I don't know why. I mean, come on, Brexit. This is prior to Brexit, wasn't it? Come on.. The the the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th. th, thi, thi, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, t, t, t, t, tome, tome, tome, tome, to, tome, to, tom. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. And, thi. So, thi. We's, teeean. Wea. Wea. So, tomo. So, te. Wea. tome. So, tom Yeah. Come on, come on. The thing that everyone regrets?

Yeah. They're digging a tunnel because the UK and Europe in general cares about transit. Love a tunnel. They love transit. Yeah, yeah. I wish we loved transit here in America. I think if we got an us though is it? No. No, no, no. Also, I don't think they call it the channel. What? Did you watch that British Crime Show, British French Crime Show at the Tunnel? I started it but I never finished it. I watched all three seasons.

Should I do it?. I liked it. As someone who's watched all of Hinterland, I feel like I should get in on that. I had to get out on that. I was like, why am I crying all the time? Why are my eyes so puffy? I love the hinterland because no one laughs, you know. It's dank there. It is not that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. I'm that's that's that's that's their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm that. I'm that. I'm that. I'm that. I'm that's. I'm that's. I'm that's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I. I's. I'm that. I'm that. I'm that. I'm that. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thii. th. that that that that that that that that that sun does not come out once. Not once. Well that's wayless right. I guess. I'm from Pittsburgh, you know. It's dank there. It's not that kind of dank. So who shows up

while they're digging the tunnel and they find the tomb of the unknown Templar? It's fucking Tom Cruise. No, it is not Tom Cruise. Oh, it's a it's a Russell Crowe. It's'm sorry. It is a gladiator. It is gladiator slash Pope's Exorcist. Oh my god, you know he's a versatile actor. Oh yeah, yeah, we believe him as a brain genius and the Pope's Exorcist and a gladiator and whatever this is. What ever this? He's a doctor of a doctor of a doctor of dog. He's doctor dog. He's doctor dog. Famous Jam Band, Dr. Dog. Dr. Doctor of he. He's. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he, he's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's, he's, he's, he's a he. He's a he. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's, he's a versatile. He's, he's, he's, he's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a he's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a versatile. He's a he. He's a he's a doctor of a doctor of dog. Is that right? Yeah, he's Dr. Dog. He's Dr. Dog. Famous Jamban, Dr. Dog. Doctor of being a dog. Oh my God, I can't, I just can't, after seeing him speak the slowest Italian, I just can't look at him any other way.

I cannot wait for the next Pope's exorcist movie. It's going to be so good. It's. It's. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, I. It's like, I. thi. thi, I. to be like, I, I to be like, I to be. to be. to to to the to be. to. to. to. to. to, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to. to to to to to be. to be. to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the to the the the the to the the the the the to the the to to the to to to to the to the th to ist movie. Oh, it's gonna be so good. It's like what is keeping me alive right now is that like I have to make it to the next Pope's Exorcist movie. So Russell Crow shows up because this dig has unearthed the darkest secret of antiquity. Right. Which sounds like the tagline to get you into like a Goths strip club. Ooh, fuck copyright, copyright. Come see the dark secrets of antiquity. Alan and I are starting a goth strip club. Are you in or out? What's it going to be called though?

Cleopatris. What was the one last week? A star garden? I've been thinking about star garden. So it's just the name of our vagina. Our collective vagina. All of our vaginas are one giant star garden. Also, uh, props to the person to the secret the secret the secret to to the secret to to to the secret to the secret to the secret the secret to the secret the secret to the secret to the secret the secret to the secret to the secret the secret to the secret to the secret to the dark the dark the dark secrets secrets secrets the secret to to to to to to to to the secret secret secret secret secret secret secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets to to to to to to the secret secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets secrets. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the secret the secret the secret the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the the the the the the the the the dark secrets. the the the the the name of our vagina. Our collective vagina. All of our vaginas are one giant star garden. Also, props to the person who sent us a dong pick. Oh. The, is it South Korean currency that's the dong? Correct, yes. Very good. Thank you. Thanks for not being your real dung.

I don't care. Yeah, I won't do that again. So there's some shadowy guys because they're here to do something. Yeah well suits on like Men in Black. Ayah and so we get this flashback? Who is having this flashback? Yeah we are. It's in the collective history. It's our Star Garden flashback. Okay. What's the Star Garden to be a word that means whatever we want it to, like Smurf? Sure, like Smurf. Yeah. So the Star Garden flash is back to the Star Garden and then we start. Can we teach the name of our show to Star Garden or is it too late?

Star Garden? Starr Garden? Stel and Scar's, Stellan Star Garden. It's a stelaide garden. And we could have so many sub-podcasts with all of his fucking children? Yeah, what's the Bill Stahl, Spill Star Garden? I can't even do it. This is gonna take a lot of practice. I'll work on it. So, uh, we get a flashback to Ambonette, who is this lady who is going to be the next like lady lady Pharaoh of Egypt except her dad put a baby in some other lady and that turns out to be a boy so that's gonna be the new Pharaoh of Egypt.

Right. And so she's like, uh-uh, I'm gonna make a deal with Set the god of death. Yeah. And so I'm gonna kill everybody. It's wild though because like thing is, yeah. I've had a baby. I've, I. I. I. I. I've the the the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've the the the th. I've th. I've the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've thi. I've that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. I. And so I'm gonna kill everybody. It's wild though because like the thing is, yeah, I've had a baby. It's pretty easy to kill a baby. Like I felt like it was really hard to keep a baby alive. You don't need to go to all this trouble with the CGI crows and the demons and the tattoos and the colored contacts and shit, just fucking kill a baby. It's simple. But how th th th th th th th th th. But how th th th th th. But how th th th th th. But how th th. But how th thi thi thi the thi thi the thi thi thi the colored contacts and shit, just fucking kill a baby. It's simple. But how are you going to get two irises, though? I did think that actually looked kind of cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked her with all the tattoos as well. Yeah, the tattoos were cool. And like stunningly beautiful woman as well. What, uh, the actress is a, uh, Sophia Moutel. She is gorgeous and also this movie convinced me that I'm going to keep my short bangs but grow the rest of my hair out. Oh yeah. I'm doing it. Who doesn't love a baby bang? I mean I love the baby bang but it's time for me to get some more length. Yeah yeah I'm doing it. Same. I'll match you. God can you? I would just I would be put on a pedophile watch list if I got that you the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I toy. I toy. I toy. I would toy. I would toy. I would toy. I would to to to to to to to to to t. I'm. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t. I t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t te. I'm te. te. te. te. te. te. te. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. te. I t if I got that haircut. You do live too close to an elementary school.

But I was very stoked that she is at least, she is Algerian. Yeah. So I was like, well, they're at least on the right continent. Like so many of these movies are like, an Egyptian, let's cast a Canadian. Who, what, was it Antonio Banderas? Wasn't he meant to be Egyptian in that movie? Is that? Is that? Is that's? Is that's? Is that's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? That's? I? That's? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm. thi? I'm. thi? I's. thi? I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I? I. I? I. I. I. I? I. I. I? I. I? I. I. I? I? I. I? I? I. I? I. I? I. I? I? I. I? I? I. I. I. I. I was? th. thi? thi. th. thi. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. I wasanderas? Wasn't he meant to be Egyptian in that movie? No. Is he not Iraqi?

Iraqi, that's right, I'm sorry. Is Antonio Banderas not Iraq? That's my favorite worst movie we've ever done. What was that? What was that? What was that movie? I can't even remember the title? 13th warrior. Yeah. That was your birthday. That's. That was. That was. That was. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that was your. that was your. that was your. that was your. that was your. that was your. that was your. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's th. that was your. that's that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. that's. that's. that's. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's th. that's th. that's th. that's th. yeah, like, you're like, oh, now she gets to fuck.

That's nice, but she doesn't because these guys catch her. I also like, she's gonna black widow this dude. She's gonna fuck him and then immediately kill him. But we find out later that's not exactly what it is, but that was the point where I was painting my ton. Yeah, let's see what happens. Okay, great. So yeah, she's gonna put a demon baby, I guess, in that man or inside her was like... She was turning him into a living god, but I don't know why, because didn't she just want to be the Pharaoh? I guess. What are her motivations? I don't know. I mean, we're so hormonal and like we're so emotional. We could never be the president. Anyway.

So... I'm stoked on this Kamala Harris business. I mean, I'm much more enthusiastic than I was a month ago. But why? Because the living mummy is not going to be your president? Oh, you think they mummified Joe Biden alive like they did to Princess Ominette? Kamala Harris murdered some guy. With the Star Garten. And mummified.

What are we doing? Is this really our lives? Is this our real life? Is it just fantasy? So she- This is not my beautiful podcast. She gets nabbed by the Egyptian cops. Yeah. And they're like, nah, dog, we have to mummify you alive. And I'm like, yeah, but like mummifying, part of it is pulling your brain out.

So she's not gonna be alive for a long. No, it's just not a practical process. So basically they didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m didn't m m m didn't m m m mum mumum mumumumumumum mu mu mu mu mu mu mu mu mu mu mumuififi. they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't thify her, they just wrapped her up. Yeah, and buried her alive. Yeah, like fucking, uh, fuck fabulous Thunderbirds. RAP, rap, wrap it up. Oh, no. Never been to a rib fest. I'm more of the Black Street, no diggity. I gotta bag it, bag it up. sure. I'm a rib fest head out there, I know what I'm talking about. Right now some guy wearing like a Jimmy Buffett t-shirt is like, hell yeah, brother. Oh, all of this I wrote. Aye, ay, ay. So we get great lines like death is a doorway, and Bibbidi-ba-boo. Eh. And then cut to Mesopotamia, current day. They call it the cradle of civilization.

As it is, yeah, yeah. And then they're like now, Iraq. And then there's gunfire. And like, people are blowing apart like ancient monuments, which really bums me out. Yeah, for sure. Like the Taliban destroying those Buddhas that were in the desert, like, really you fucking had nothing else to do, you pieces of shit?

Seems like you guys had other plans. Yeah, yeah, I mean, can't you keep a girl out of school? What are you doing here, you fucked? So, these people are shooting ancient stuff. Oh, these people are shooting ancient stuff. Oh, it's so boring. like, look at them shooting agent stuff. We need to ride these horses and steal stuff. Oh, it's so boring. I 100% agree.

There's a whole sequence of them like running through this little city town. Yeah. And they're being shot at it couldn't be less exciting if they tried. It's an airstrike, command, looters, liberators of precious antiquities. No, you're not, you're not Indiana. You. You. You're th, you're th, you're th, you're th, you're th, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's so boring. It's thi. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's so boring. It's thi. It's th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It, th. It, th, th, th. It, th, th, th. It, th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so boring, thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so thi. It's so boring. It's so thi. It's an airstrike, command, looters, liberators of precious antiquities. Like, no, you're not, you're not Indiana Jones and I'm not interested. Like, I don't know what movie you thought you were making, but it's a very big condemnation of the American military complex if you're like, hey, we're gonna steal this stuff,

and we can call it an air strike on this village. Yeah, I guess only Tom Cruise can get away with this maybe? And Jake Johnson he's goddamn delight. He's the I don't think I don't know who has seen that. What is that? Most of America? Really what is it? It's the uh the Zui de Chanel TV show? Oh I heard she's a bitch. But she rocks baby bangs and long hair, which again, I feel like the universe is telling me something. Yeah, I'm growing it out. Yeah. I think you look fantastic with it.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. All he does in the military. All he does in the military are they military yes but they're like they're like they're they're the scout to go out to see what's going on in the village but I feel like I feel like they're still risking their lives on a daily basis like this shouldn't be a shock to him now he's gonna die right you're in a war zone the theyre I'm the th you th you th you th you th you th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they their their their their their their their their their their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're in they're in they're in they're in their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they. they they they they. their their these guys seem like maybe they ought to die here, and then wouldn't that be a fantastic end to a short film?

Fifteen minute long, the mummy. Yeah. It just, or it just ends with him saying, I am still alive. Woo, because he does say that. So they call on the airstrike, which causes the building that they're standing on to fall into the sinkhole. And then... Haram? What?

Haram? That's what Tom Cruise says. He's a class act, Tom Cruise. Ayayayay, ayah. So, and then they fall into this tomb, and we know it's that it's Amonet's tomb from what we saw earlier in the movie. Right, because they had buried her far from Egypt. She's in Mesopotamia. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Which I was like, why would you go through all the bother of building all this stuff around her? Yeah. She's like a dick. What are you guys doing? Truly. But here comes Annabel Wallace, to to to to to to to thiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's, the. It's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, theea. thea. thea. the. thabelle Wallace to slap him. Our second Annabelle Wallace film. Second or third?

What else was she? She was in Annabelle. Oh my god, yeah she was. Yeah. I feel like she was in an amalignan. Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe not.

Maybe I'm just thin. Wait. Was she in Malignant? I feel like she might have been a Malignant. She was. She was in Malignant. Right, good call. And she was in a film called Silent Night, which is a British Apocalyptic Black Comedy film with Kira Knightley.

Oh. Kira Knightley of our favorite movie fame. And Lily Rose Depp. Ugh. It's not her fault. She's a kid. Right? Madikid. She was in that Tusk movie. Oh, was she?

Yeah. Oh, no. It's her and, uh, what is, Harley Quinn Smith? Oh my God, yes. Okay, forget it. Fuette. Also, we stopped ending our podcast by saying clear.

And I'm disappointed. We need to go back to it. Can we? Well, I will. I mean, that's how you end a podcast. If you're fucking professional. So I don't know how she shows up to tell them the whole back story of Tom Cruise banging her to get the map of this area. It seems like she's embedded with the military to preserve artifacts. Oh, I see. Okay, I think.

Yeah, yeah. The thing the US is known for doing. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, we get this quick back story that he fucked her and stole her stuff. Yeah. He's a terrible man. He's so facially taught in this. I feel like in the Mission Impossible movies. He doesn't look as like, I'm the the the th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. Yeah. th. thi. Yeah. thi. Yeah. Yeah. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. I. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the the th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the Mission Impossible movies, he doesn't look as like, I don't know, manicured

as he does in this, where he's a little more rugged. Yeah, like, I feel like in this movie, he looks like there's like, uh, like close pins on the back of his head, pulling his face tight. Like he's a super tight pony in the back. Yeah. Yeah. He's older than I am. He sure is by a significant margin. Is he 60? He was born in 1962 so he's 62 now. Oh wow. Wow. I mean good on him. I mean when you're rich and bathe in the blood of virgins or whatever. No Q and non. No Q and on.

I mean, would it shock you to learn that Scientology did that? No. No. No. It would not. So, the blood of Leah Remedy. Okay, so I do think she's, because she takes orders seemingly from Courtney B. Yeah.

God bless Courtney B. Who I am contractually obligated to remind everyone as a law and order alum, because I have to always say it. And I feel like since then he has just been like, what do you guys need, a colonel, I gotta yell at somebody? I'll be here, I'll be there on Tuesday. This man violated her trust, and now she's supposed to repel with him.

Military sucks. I love that as criminals, they are sent out in this hole to dig out whatever is down there. Like he must know that they're looting artifacts, right? 100% that's why he sends them down there. So he sends out our veil and what's Tom Cruise's name? Nick? It's such a dumb name for a grave robber. I don't know why. It's such not a Tom Cruise name as well. Yeah, it's a young man's name, Nick. Yeah, he'd be Nicholas. So they have to go down into

this hole and that's where they find the pit that is being fed by streams of mercury. Why though? Oh because in ancient times they believe that mercury could keep evil at pay. I see. That's at least what the movie that that, tho. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's that's that's that's that's th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the in ancient times they believe that mercury could keep evil at pay. I see. That's at least what the movie told me. I remember them saying something. My fingers don't seem to have written it down. They're too busy making them nails look pretty. Not yet. That was when they started really explaining things and I was like, oh god I need something else to do. So they get down there and they're and they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. And th. And th. They're th. th. th th. th th th th th their th thi their their their their their thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I the. I te. I te. I te. I teat. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. the oh God, I need something else to do. So they get down there and they're looking around and there's like this like amazing ancient Egyptian stuff in Mesopotamia which just shouldn't be there and immediately the two thieves just start stealing shit.

Right right in front of Annabel Wallace aka Jennie as I will call her for the rest of this movie. Oh, Dr. Jenny, what do you do? Baby Jenny. I don't know why the name, I mean, Jenny's a fine name. You've known many fine Jenny. Yeah, but she's like Dr. Jenny. You're so small. Oh, you went to grad school. What? Why are we doing this?

You got a diploma she's shocked by what she sees because there isn't a single provision made for a journey to the underworld at which point she realizes that the chains that are between like the ceiling and the the pit of mercury yeah are holding it down not bringing it up and she yells we have to notify DTRA. The fuck is DTRA? Oh, the Ditch Tuckin, Radical Association. Oh.

Dick Tuckin Radical Association. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay, fine. Well, I'm Dick Tuckin Radicals. Why would anybody know what that means? That's all I want to say. But I think that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like that's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, the same the same the same, the a dick talking radicals. Why would anybody know what that means? That's all I want to say. But I think that's like, it's the same thing when we watch those cop dramas and they're always like, just like throwing out acronyms and I'm like,

I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, I think that's it. A, yeah, I think, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it, it, fuck, summer's almost over. We haven't started our... Maybe we have to do it over the winter. Yeah, yeah, I think, we'll be less busy in the winter. Yeah, it'd be a good autumnal thing for us. Yeah, all right. Build up to Halloween, we'll do a line of duty podcast. What would be better for our horror movie podcast than launching a podcast about a British crime drama? It's a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. th. thum, thum, thum, thu. Yeah, thum, thum, thi, thum, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, we'll, we'll thi, we'll thi, we'll be thi, we'll be thi, we'll be thi, we'll be thi, we'll be, we'll be, we'll be, we'll be, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, they, thi She delivers the stupid line. It's a two, it's not a tomb, it's a prison. And I'm like well how would chains keep you down? How chains keep you down though?

Well if you get two chains, oh two chains, like the famous rapper. He'll just stand on top of the sarcophagus and then, I don't know. It doesn't make th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi tho tho- tho- thi thi their thr- tho-a tho-a tho-a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thr-u. tom. tomoomb-u. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tombs. tome. top of the sarcophagus and then, I don't know, it doesn't make a lick of sense. I really, I mean, I didn't question it at the time, but now that you say that, no, you can't tie. If the chains were holding you down, like, oh, Jason Voor, he's the bottom of the lake. Sure, sure. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. Understand. Understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand. I. I under. I. I. I. I. I. I. I understand. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. I that. I that. I that. I that. I that ground and then there are bunch of chains have been piled on top of you, Giles Corey style. Of course. Of course.

We're wait. That makes sense. But yeah, this is like the idea of like tying someone's door closed by tying it to the hall, the door across the hall, but that just opens outward. That's really what it is, you're right. But it doesn't matter because our agent of chaos, aka Tom Cruise, is going to cut the rope that's going to raise the chains anyway. He's going to shoot it. He's such a dickweed.

He shoots the chain. He does shoot the rope. What a piece of shit. And then a thousand camel spiders rain down on them. SGI bugs for days. Sure. I hate him. Hate them. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi th th thi thi the th th th the rope the rope the rope the rope the rope the rope the rope the rope the rope that that that that that that that that that that that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tho tho that that tho that that tho th a thousand camel spiders rain down on them. CGI bugs for days. Sure. I hate them. Yeah.

I think they look kind of shit. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, camel spiders, terrifying though. I don't know, I don't know much about that. And I'm not going to talking to it. It's a big spider with like mandibles, which I'm not down with. I, no. Give your mandibles to yourself. No. So one of them bites Jake Johnson, aka Vale. I kind of wondered how he ended up in this situation.

Like what led him to becoming Tom Cruise's like weird sidekick. I mean, he's so charismatic. If Nick comes to you, if Officer Nick comes to you. Officer Nick, Corporal Nick. First Lieutenant Nick. That's very good. And he says to you, hey, let's go steal some Iraqi artifacts. Yeah.

The end. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's a question mark, question mark. So he started shooting these CGI-GI-spi-gui-Ispi-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I the-I the-I th-I th-I th-oo-offic. I. I. I. I. I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-off. Officer-off. Of-Offic. Officer-Offic. Officer-off. Officer-off. Officer-off. Officer-off. Officer-off. Officer-Offic. Officer-Offic. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Officer. Of-offic. Of-offic. Of-offic. Of-offic. Of-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I. Of-I. I-I. I-I. I-I. th-I. Of-I-I-I-I. Of-I-I-I-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I. Of-I.. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's a question mark, question mark, profit. So he started shooting these CGI spiders, which I feel like is bad form. I mean, they're in a room made of rocks. Yeah, so the ping, ping, ping, ping, pang. Yeah. Luckily, no one gets shot.

No, luckily. But the tomb gives him like a sexy se Oh yeah, the sexy, uh, mummy mind melt? Yeah. And he sees like a desert, a woman walking, and then fuck in, I guess? Yeah. Yeah. And she says, you have set me free. Which is fucking tel don't show baby. And then he makes out with the dream mummy.

Yeah, why wouldn't you? Yeah, I mean, come on. Yeah, that poor 20-something actor has to make up with pre-mummy dumb-proof. Pre-mummy, because he's becoming a mummy slowly, just drying out. So they take the sarcophagus out and the military is going to take it out of a rock. As you do, you just steal things from the place that you find them. Where were they taking it? Because it seems like Dr. Denny is in charge of doing the right thing here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're taking it back to the lab for examination, I assume. But later we'll find out that she had ulterior motives motives the the thiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, theea. So, they's. So, they's. So, they's. So, they. So, thea. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, though taking it back to the lab for examination, I assume. I guess. But later we'll find out that she had ulterior motives, because she's down with the sickness. I don't really know. This is in the toe zone? This is the toe zone.

Okay, all right, all right. We'll do that. I don't know. I feel like they had to man-boop into this guy I'm just I can't I can't with this don't do this to be movie tired should I start apologizing now for picking this movie here should I wait till the end I thought you were gonna start from the beginning so hey where of ambulance means never having to say I'm sorry. That's right. You're right. You're right.

So yeah, they get on a plane, they're taking the sarcophagus out of Iraq or somewhere. I don't know where they're taking it. It's indeterminate. Sure. Because it's going to end up in England. I don't know if that was their final destination or what. Oh no, it wasn't. She'd drug. they. they they they they they they they they they they. they they they they they. they. they. they they're. they. they're. they're they're they're they're they're th. they're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. they're th. they're th. they're th. they're they're th. they're they're they're th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to to to to to to to to to to ta. too. too. ta. to ta. to ta. theea. thea. there remember? No, I don't. But once they get up in the air, all of a sudden, Vale takes a turn for the worser. Yeah. And he stabs Courtney B. Vance. Not enough airtime. More Courtney B. Vance, more Courtney B. Vance. Vance was like, and that's a pool, I'm out. A second pool for Courtney and B. Vance. Vance. Thank, th. And. And. And, more. And, more. And, more. th, more. th, more. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the the the the, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, the, all, the, the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, all all all all, all, all that's a pool, I'm out! A second pool for Courtney and B. Vance, thank you. This one's inside the house. Thank you so much.

Hell yeah, hell yeah, I gotta get in inside, outside pool. Oh man. That's like, that's like when you're there, you've made it. Like when you can swim from the inside to the outside. Oh my god, are you're th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. That's, th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's like, that, tho, tho, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. That's like, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. than, than, than, than, than, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. th. th from the inside to the outside. Oh my god, are you kidding me? Yeah, fucking hey. That's all sharks get in. I was gonna say that's the raccoons get into your house. Oh my god, yeah, can you imagine? Can raccoons? Can you try? Uh-huh? For sure. What? Is it because they look like criminals? You know how I feel about criminals. It's because they arch their backs when they run in such a scary, menacing way. I don't, that, there's something very like, lull, about that to me. Unfortunately, I feel like I do the same thing.

I don't know that I've ever seen you run. would you? In what circumstances? So, Tom Cruise and Dr. Jenny, what's his, Nick? Officer Nick and Dr. Jenny are having this conversation where she's like, you stole from me and he's like, but I didn't lie. And it's like, the whole, ugh, God. It's the whole thing of like, I'm really liked you, though. It's not a woman's job to make a man better and I'm very tired of this notion from film that it is. It's not our fucking jobs. Get better on your own you pieces of shit. But it's also not a woman's job to be like swooning just because the man be like I liked you though. I mean you

fucked me real good. But she keeps being like, you didn't. It was short and you were in and out and he was like, I don't know if that's true and she's like, actually. Yeah, I believe it. I was on the receiving end of that fuckinging and it sucked. I don't know. She's still, I mean, she still makes inexplicable love choices. Sure, I mean, women, am I right? Oh, God, we're so hormonal, so emotional. We can never be president. So they eventually, like, there's a standoff between some guards and Tom Cruise because the guards are going to shoot veil and Tom Cruise is like, don't shoot my buddy.

And then he shoots his buddy three times. Yeah, he shot him once and he was fine, shot him again, and he wasn't fine and he shot him a third time to show that he was dead. Yeah. He does this right after having like another flashback of like he's seeing the Egyptian fuckboy scene again. And then it cuts, like, when it cuts back, it's his face. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you're way you're way th. You're way th. You're way th. You're way th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th. th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's like, th. He's like, th. th. th. th. the. th. th. the. the. He's like. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you're way uglier than that Egyptian fuck boy, I have to tell you. Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise? I love that there's a scene later on where the mummy checks Tom's, Tom Cruise's teeth.

And it was like, oh, she's looking at his new teeth. See if there's still the old fucked up teeth gotta say, I love a janky tooth Tom Cruise. Yeah, he was much cuter with his janky teeth. Yeah. He's nothing wrong with a janky tooth. No. Embrace your janky tooth. Embrace your janky teeth.

So this plane gets sull-Imburbed. I mean, I wanted crows to cause the death of everyone on board and then the credits to roll, but again, my wish will not be granted. Nope, nope, nope. I have a note that says where's Sully? And... You love Sully, Sullivan, though. Doesn't the American hero. American hero. Uh, landed on the plane, right on that river.

Right on that river. Um, Jenny doesn't know how to use a parachute. It seems like she should know how to use a parachute if she's embedded with the US military and flying around war zones, just a thought I had at the moment. Luckily her shitty fuck partner knows how to use a parachute and makes her do it. He pulls the cord and shoves her out. Yeah. She later is like, you save my life. And this is after he's supposed to have had his character arc. I just don't, I don't, I don't like it.

Don't worry though, she's still in love with him. No, no, nothing can stop her. I thought he's like doing some what appears to be dangerous shit. Yeah. I just thought like, God, I hope he didn't do any real dangerous stunts for this piece of shit movie. They 100% did. When they're like they're like th th th they're like they're like they're like they're like they're like they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th th th throw throw throw that's actually happening. I guarantee that that's actually happening. Why didn't they just really throw a bunch of crows in there then and see what goes down? Well, when I say that, I mean, like, they had a rotating room that the two actors were bouncing around. For sure, yeah. You don't think they did it up in the air. No, no. Well, although I wondered if there's like a few scenes where they're weightless,

and I wondered if they shot those on the vomit comet, which is the plane. You mean the moon? No. What if that's what we called the moon? There's a plane that like the military uses like to t's. Oh God. Yeah, boo. I got right way too high and rode the Black Widow at Kennywood a couple weeks ago. I feel like that's what happened to me. I was

like yeah I can do that. I'm so ready and then I was strapped in and I was like, I'm not ready. Y'all ever done the poor man's vomit comment? Yeah. I was like the the th over th over th over th over th over th over thi th over thi th thi thi thin thin thin thi thin thin thin thin' thi thin' thi thi thi thi. I'm tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that's that's that's that's that's that's tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. I th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll tho tho tho tho tho tho tho than. I'll than. I'll theeeeee an theeean. I'll theeeean. I'll theeean. I'll thean. I'll thooooooo' than. I was like, oh no. I'd be good on you. I can't do a single roller coast. They all bug me out too much. Yeah. I'm just like, I'm too big, I'll break everything! I just wanted to write it with Vicki. She loved it. Oh, I did not. Well, I mean, I was way too high. Sometimes you have to do a thing for a Vicki. Oh, you do all the things for the Vickickickickickickick Vicky. Yeah. Yeah., so, so, so, we cut to, there's a scene in a morgue where all the bodies from the crash have been put into the morgue. Because the plane goes down. And one of the bodies wakes up. Because they're bringing in Dr. Jenny Halsey to identify the

bodies. Why would she have to I guess she was on the plane? She was on the plane. Yeah, you're right. And she, like they know that if she's in a room she makes friends with everybody in the room. I mean the face, those fucking cheekbones. Annabel? I would literally take someone's life to have cheekbones like that. I would feel nothing. Is that wrong? No. For cheekbones, for cheekbones? The cheekbones like hers. Jesus, fuck.

She's a beautiful woman and like a, eh, actor. You know how we always talk about how far pretty can get you? Yeah. Because she's super pretty. Congrats. Yeah, oh yeah. Great job. Those baby blues come on. Oh my God, th. For, th. For, th. For, th. For, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, for, for, for, for, for, for, for. For, for ch, for ch, for cha, for cha, for ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For chink. For, for chink, for chink, for ch-. For, for ch-. For, for ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For ch-. For. For. For. For. For. For. For. For. For. For, for. For, for. For, for. For, for. For, for. For, for. For, for, for, for, for, for ch. For, for ch. For, for ch. For, for ch. For, for ch-a, for ch-a, for ch-a, for ch-a, for ch-a, for ch-a-. the the the the the the the the the cheek. the the the cheek. the the cheek. the cheek-. the the cheek- Congrats. Yeah, oh yeah, those baby blues come on. Oh my god, those fucking cheekbones. Yeah. Cheekbones right next to the baby blues. Yeah.

So she, she's going to know, identify the bodies. But one of the bodies is woken up. Sit's right the fuck up. I can't imagine who it's going to be. It's. It's. I. I. I.. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th.. th.............................................................that Lamborghini. And no pants. No, of course not. Because I feel like he has to have a, I'm will you, won't you with my butt? You know? Oh my god.

And will you? Won't you? You won't, actually. You won't. You won't look at Tom Cruise's butt. He wakes up with the tow tag on, to to to to to to to to to to to to tow tag on he's like oh what's this now? It says unknown but he would have had dog tags right he's a part of the middle I don't understand their fucking jobs it doesn't matter carry on. Do you know the thing of the

the the the the the there's like a chip taken out of all dog tags where you're supposed to put that in someone's jaw shut? No? You put it in their teeth? Why? To keep it in their mouth. So the body came and identified later. Lisa, that's what I heard when I was a kid and I'm going with that as being actual information. I'm gonna say they just wear them around their little necklace. Yeah, but it makes sense like, I'm thi. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. thooo'a. the the thooooooom. thoomoomoomoomoomoomo tho tho tho tho the body tho the body the body. the body. the body. the body. the body. the body. the body. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. th like in D&D where you just take the head of the Minotaur back? Yeah just to prove you killed it. Yeah with it's with its dog tag and it's Minotaur teeth. Minutee. Minutee. So he gets visited by Vale who is now looking very bad. Yeah he's a little bit of a

zombie. Yeah he's a little bit of filter on him and he's a little fuzzy looking and I didn't like the way it looked. I think he is just I think they did not know what to do with him. And I was just like just kind of let this dude go because he's fucking funny. Yeah. And like let the because Tom Cruise is trying to be funny through this whole movie. Every one of his comedy beats you're like ooh. And it's like th. stuff real real well yeah jump up and down we're fine with that. You put climate building that makes me uncomfortable that's great whatever you got to do funny? It's not for you dog? You can't be everything to everyone. No you can't deny that SSRIs work for people and then try to be funny. Ooh that's such a good point. So then we see some British cops that are going to investigate the scene of the plane going now.

Yeah. that fucking Martin Compton come in as one of these cops. Well, is Martin Comston the most mentioned actor on this? I hope so. On this podcast. I feel like Laura Linnie gets more mentions than he does. Wow, she's those titties. Yeah, yeah. But Martin Comstain, close second. Yeah, for sure.

Those great titties. Laura Linnthe UK have. Our UK listeners are wearing their Los Vegas. Yeah, yeah, people who live near him in Las Vegas. I love putting out that he lives in Las Vegas. What a silly man. I just want to put him in my pocket and feed him peanuts like a squirrel. That video that I sent you of him like crowdsurfing and doing death metal vocals? I, I had to watch that in two sections too. I to to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I've thi. I've to the. I've to to to to to to to to to have to have the. I've to to have to to to I had to watch that in two sections too because I was laughing so hard at deposit. It's so like, oh this is sad weird funny. It's all of the above but he's happy so you know. Yeah you can't get mad at him. And he's like downing a pint while he's telling this and I was like a little drunk Martin Gomston. Yeah it probably doesn't take much he's like a little squirrel with a thimble. It's what yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you you you you you th the th. Yeah the th. Yeah th. Yeah the th. Yeah the th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah the th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I's like th. I's like th. I's like th. I's like th. I I's like. I I's like. I th. I th. I th. I th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I's. Yeah. I'm. Yeah. I'm. I'm. I'm. Yeah. I'm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. doesn't take much. He's a little. It's like a little squirrel with a thimble. That's what I'm saying. Put him in your pocket.

Give him some seeds. So the the cops show up and we get this CGI mummy running around, crawling around like a dog. Yeah, I guess like this is where it becomes a horror movie. So that's nice that we finally get thi thi thii. Yeah. Yeah th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi the the thi they they thi. Yeah they thi. they they they they thee. their their their their their their their their their them them their them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some some the the the the they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. thi. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. the. I. th. th. I. th. I. wish it were more practical. Yes, 100%. Because I just go back to Karloff's mummy. Right. And it's like, the mummy, it's like kind of a whatever movie, but his mummy is so scary. Yeah. It's so well done. Yeah. Well, he's, he was perfect.

Yeah, I mean, come on. So the mummy's like running around and the mummy sucks the life out of these two British cops. Right. It makes them... Zombie mummies? Her minions are confusing to me. Yeah, because they're like fast, but they don't have any blood left in them or something.

And like, she is untouchable, but like they can get dusted by someone with a baseball bat you know? What the fuck man? Grow up. They're just like the the gnome or the what is it the knolls with the one hit point that you have to take out before you get to the big bed in the dungeon. Be some cobalds. Yeah some cobalts. Yeah. So she reanimates the cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops the cops cops the cops the cops cops the cops cops the cops the cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops cops. So cops. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So, some some some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, some co. So, so some co. So, some cobalts. Yeah. So she reanimates the cops, they're running around. Um, uh, uh, uh, um, fail learns that he's cursed? Uh, I don't know, he's dead. What's he learning? Oh, does Nick learn that he's cursed? Oh, maybe Nick learns that he's cursed. I think so, because he says to Jenny, I think we've angered the gods. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she jumps. And she. And she. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th---a. th----I th thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th thi thi th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the thee theeea. thea. theea. theea. thea. thea. thea. theea. thea. thea. the the I think so because he says to Jenny I think we've angered the gods. Yeah yeah yeah and she jumps on to like a pub payphone it's 2017 my girl why don't you have a cell phone? I was too busy writing notes like rats in the street mummy in the sheet. Oh I wrote rats IDK it's too dark

it's so dark. I was watching this on my laptop and I kept hitting the like brightness up button and it was like no you are at the tippy. He gets covered in rats. Nothing comes to that. No. And then they go to the crash site. Who the fuck are these skeleton Bozo's? And the mummies like scampering behind Tom Cruise? Yeah, she's just jauntily running along.

Oh my God, this is golden retriever. This is when she tackles him, checks his teeth, be like, oh, you got them new teeth, I'm into it. Everyone wants to fuck Tom Cruise. I guess everyone wants to fuck him. Yeah, he's the Damned. So, it must have reminded me of something, but I think I just really wanted to see Alia. What? Was it the quick-moving vampires in Queen of the Damned and the quick-moving mummy?

I don't know. Was it the new metal? Was there new metal? Because if so, it was that? Remember that movie not only used new metal Metal but built its plot around it? Uh-huh. What if a vampire, what if a Dracula was asleep and then woke up to the sweet sands of corn? It was like, this is what I've been waiting for. This is my kink. This is my thing. I was worried about what it might be, but luckily it's the movie of Jonathan Davis.

Fantastic. Ayay, yay. I don't know. There's like these, I don't know, Alan. I don't know what's happening. So she finds in the church where the plane is crashed, she finds the, there's a reliquary that has the dagger that she needs to complete the ritual.

The dagger of set. Yes, but the dagger does not have not have the the the the the the the the the the the the the., the. Yes, but the dagger does not have the gemstone in it. So she can't complete the ritual. I'm not exactly sure what the ritual is. Do you? This is completing the like making a living god of your boyfriend. Why would you do that? And then you become the Queen of Egypt. It feels unbalanced. Also, unnecessary. Yeah, also you're now in London. So this might be an issue. Tom Cruise has to fight some minions. He stabs Amanet.

No one cares. They steal an ambulance. Scientology ambulance, the worst kind of ambulance. It's no wherewolf ambulance. It heals you with a personality test. And then she, like she is controlling his mind because he drives away but then drives right back to where she is. Which he says, I drove right back to her.

Yeah, dog, we can see that. Like, fucking tell, don started painting my nails. Okay, all right, all right, all right. So the, then these like, I don't know, cops or secret service or something show up and they trap Amanet. And I have a note that just says Mission Impostable. You love that. The posthabilities are endless. But it turns out that these are like the dark universe cops. When you say dark universe?

So there was going to be a whole thing where they were going to reinvent the universal monsters as superhero monsters. Oh my god. Wait, really? And they started with the mummy? With the mummy? It's an odd choice to begin with. I would think, I would think you would just go into it with Frank, like. I would say Dracula is he's the easiest one to like make. There's a movie called Dracula untold. Dracula 2000, colon untold, which came out like a couple years before this movie which was rumored to be the first movie. Oh. It's like like a. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thored to be the first movie in the dark universe but like it wasn't like set up but this movie has the universal logo immediately followed by the dark universe oh yeah I just know what it meant and so oh my god there I have to tell you the actors that they were going to look for give me one second okay so they were going to do the dark universe

you're already laughing? Give me one second. Okay. So they were going to do the dark universe. You're already laughing. Wait, do you hear the terrible casting that was gonna go into these movies? Okay, I'm so ready. So, um, they were going to do a Van Helsing movie, an updated Van Helsing movie. I would like to watch an updated Van Helsing movie. I would like to watch an updated Van Helsing movie. Have you seen the Hugh Jackman Van Helsing movie? No I haven't. We should do that at some point. He's good. People

like him. Sure, the movie is terrible but I think it'd be fun for us to do. They were going to do a Van Helsing with Chan and Ch. Hyde movie, of course, with Russell Crow. And I actually kind of like him in this like weird scientist role. When he transforms like, oh, that looks so shitty. It's not his fault. It's not his fault. Who did they cast as the invisible man. What actor would you most not like to see in a movie? Matthew McConaughey. Next? Channing Tatum?

Think of Nana. Johnny Depp is the invisible man. I like that you bring up my nunna because you know that he killed her. He murdered my grandmother. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. God damn it! And then, this was my favorite, least favorite one. Okay, okay. Reboot the wolf man. Who's the wolf man?

Channing to eat him. Hmm, can you smell what the wolf man is cooking? No, you can't do that. He's, first of all, he's a full, the only hair that man has is his eyebrows. If that, I don't even, I would, I would not put money on him having eyebrows. He's got to because that's his whole thing. He's got the thing, the people's eyebrow.

She could be drawn on, dog. You're telling me. You plucked too hard in the early 2000. I did. I wanted to look like Joey Lauren Adams in chasing Amy or whatever the fuck it was, and now I look like that. th. th. th. that, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that, that, that, th at th at th at th at th at th at th at th at th at it, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, if that, she that, she that, she could that, she could that, she could th. thi, she could th. She could th. She th. She th. She, she th. She, she th. She, she th, she th, she the the the the the the the th. She, she th. She, she th. She, she th. She, she th. She, she thi, she that, she that, she that, she that, she that, she could that, that, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, and now I look like this. Now I have to draw them forever. Beautiful woman. Beautiful woman. Terrible movie. Not whoever you said earlier. Oh, you know, that woman who was in all the, it doesn't matter.

But yeah, Wolf man. I love that you're saying Wolf man. Woof man. Woof man. Well, we are. So we meet Dr. Jekyll, aka Russell Crow again. And he's running for all of you Hellboy fans out there, the BPRD. The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. Is this part of an existing universe? No.

This is them taking off on somebody else's idea, basically. Mike Miniola wrote the Hellboy series and there was the, the BPRD in that.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And the the th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the the the th. And, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. the the the the the the the the the the th. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. R. This is them taking off on somebody else's idea basically. Mike Miniola wrote the Hellboy series and there was the the BPRD in that. Okay. And the BPRD's whole thing was like if there's something weird going on we send agents out to see what's going on. Men in black style. X-files style. Okay. But they like so they have all like the weird occult shit back at their headquarters and blah blah blah. Yes. What is a hellboy? Hellboy is a comic book. No, no, I know what, I know and I've seen the Ron Pearlman thing.

I'm not the movie, but I know what he looked. But what is a hell boy? Oh, that was just the name that he was given. He was a boy that was open and he came through the gate. He's a bad guy. But he's not a bad guy because he wants to be a good guy. He's supposed to be the, basically the thing that brings the apocalypse, but he doesn't. He just wants to like smoke a little. So yes, we've got Dr. Henry Jekyll who is Copping Hellboy apparently. Why do you have a bad haircut? Because he's Russell Crow? Okay. So he's a doctor of immunology to which I wrote I'm so annoyed I'm going up to 1.4 speed. Which it got like really hard to keep up with because there's some quick action scenes coming up.

Oh my god. So he takes and shows the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tap.. he. he. he. he. he. he. he c. he c. he he c. he c. he c. he c. he c. he c. he. he. I he. I he. he. he. he's he's he. he. to to he. to to to he. Why he. Why he. he. Why he. he. he. Why he. I he. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I he. I he. Yeah. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I he. I to to to he. I to to tap. I tap. I to tap. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to there's some quick action scenes coming on. Oh my god, so he takes and shows the trapped Ammonet to Tom Cruise. He's doing a whole monologue here about chaos and suffering and prodigium and a warning of monsters and the business of evil. He's just like, guy, guy. He could have any point just stopped talking and started doing the jack-off hand signal and it would have been like, no yeah, same thing. That makes sense. Yeah. A great way to end it. So she is trapped in their little, their little entrapment room in the in the Bureau for not whatever. And yes. Is he a bad guy? I I mean Dr. Jekyll yeah it depends on how you look at her right like he's an ACAB situation.

Mr. Hyde is right yeah mr. Hyde is definitely a bad guy yeah have you ever read the original Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hid story it is so fucking brutal it's family like starts off with Hyde beating someone It is so fucking brutal. It's family. Like starts off with Hyde beating someone to death in the street with a cane. Oh, I love that. And it's just like, it's like the original like Invisible Man is so fucking brutal. Oh, yeah. Like even the original movie is just like, then you just derail an entire train because somebody pissed you off somewhere. Yeah, you killed all those people for no reason. Also. Oh. Oh. Oh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. th. Oh, th. the the the the th. to, th. to, th. to, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the the the the th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the t. te. the the t. the t. Yeah, you killed all those people for no reason. Also, I love that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is written by the same guy who wrote Treasure Island, a jaunty tale of pirates and treachery.

And kids. And kids. Oh, I do love that book, though. Oh, yeah, it's fantastic. And I was so bummed that Dr. Jekl, when when's talking to Tom Cruise, is like, eh, welcome to the gods and monsters. And I was like, why did you just force that line from fucking Frankenstein into this? Seriously. You didn't have to do that, I mean, this movie clearly ended with them thinking they were getting more movies. So I don't think they needed the subtlety of, you know, just a little bit of hat tipping

to a Mary Shelley classic. But what are they going to do when like, when they get to Frankenstein just like, oh, I don't know, Frankenstein fucks and... Like, how bad would this Frankenstein movie have been? Who was going to be Frankenstein? Oh, I didn't get one for Frankenstein. Oh, I think, um, fuck who was going to be, there was somebody ridiculous that was going to be the bride of Frankenstein. Holy shit, where was that article? D-ta-da, da, Clunchback. Creature from the Black Lagoon, that didn't have an actor tied to it. Oh, Angelina Jolly, the bride of Frankenstein.

That I actually kind of love. I do. I actually like that. Sorry, quit giggling. It's just so silly. She's so silly. But since the bride really? She's just like, she's a little bit out there. I love how Rockabilly has tried to convince us to the bride of Frankenstein and Frankenstein we're going to get together at some point. that. that. that. that. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I actually, I that I actually, I that I that I actually, I actually, I actually, I actually, I that I actually, I that I that I that I actually I actually I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that I I I I I I I I I I I that I I that I that I that I that I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. thi. thi. thi, I thi, I'm thi thi thi thi a thi a thi a thi a thi a thi a tha a thi a thi a thi a thi a that I actually actually actually illy has tried to convince us the bride of Frankenstein and Frankenstein we're gonna get together at some point

when she like came to life it was like, uh-uh! No he wore her down, it's cool, it's cool. That's Rockabilly though. You've ever been flirted with by a person who's in a rockabilly? They'll try to wear you down. So Tom Cruise says to say Crow, where does that leave me? And he just goes, cursed. Curse? Curse. You little dumb fuck, cursed? And this is the reveal.

Oh, and while I, so Russell Crow is saying all of this to Officer Nick. Yeah, I have some respect. Some fucking respect to Officer Nick. I have some respect. Some fucking respect. To Officer Nick. And while he's talking about this curse, Princess Ammonet leans over and says in her ancient tongue, you cannot change your fate. The curse will never be broken. Because she understands their English?

Yeah. I can barely understand what they're fucking talking about. And this lady who only speaks to speak to speak to speak to speak to speak the to speak to speak the to speak to speak the to speak the to speak their their to speak to their to their their toe their English? Yeah. I can barely understand what they're fucking talking about. And this lady who only speaks a long, dead tongue? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Understands the plot of all of this? But there's like some babblefish stuff that happens later where everyone just starts understanding everybody.

And she's like, their language. their language is simple. Yeah. thi th.. Actually it's not. It's a real big paid for the fucking ass. Yeah. And this is the reveal that Dr. Jenny has been working with Dr. Jekyll. We should have known it those fucking names Dr. Jenny, Dr. Jekyll. She was giving me the blonde lady in the last crusade, Indiana Jones in the last crusade. Oh, Elsa. Yeah. Yeah. La's working with the na-Dininininin-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din-Din' the the th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was. She was. She was th. She was th. She's the th. She's the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the working with the Nazis the whole time. I was shocked the first time I saw that movie. Oh sure, sure, because she's pretty. She's so pretty, she's so helpful. And Harrison for it's so cute. Also she fucked both John Connery and Sarsen. Yeah that's gross. He's real weird. I mean even just

fucking Sean Connery is a horror movie in itself, wouldn't you think? Get that Zardaws take away from me, motherfucker. Oh, God. I feel like his dick has like a barb at the end for some reason. Like a fucking... Like is a cat? Do cats have barbs at the end? Okay, oh, there you have it. Until they're neutered, yeah.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So she's like, listen, even though you're cursed and I Um, back stabbed you and you save my life, and you're bad at sex. You're bad at sex. I care about you. And I was just like, ooh, why? Why would you? Why does she? I don't know? Because he's Tom Cruise, I guess guess so. I mean he is wholly unlikable as a character. Yes. He is bad at everything he does. Yes. And even his final sacrifice at the end, he didn't know what was happening. He was like, oh, mother fucker. Did I do that? Yeah? So we find out that

not only is Dr. Jekyll, but he's also Mr. Hyde, because he has to inject himself with injections. Shocker. With like a claw injection. Like stabbing a rake into your arm. And also like his transformation starts with his left hand. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah. There's a bunch of action sequences here. I didn't write anything about them except. look out. Lucky. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. There's a bunch of action sequences here. I didn't write anything about them except it's so fucking boring. So yeah, so they go on the lamb like, uh, uh, I just want to call her Elsa. Jenny takes Tom Cruise out. Dr. Jenny. Dr. Jenny. Forgive.

She went to school. I should respect that. Just like Dr. Pepper. All, every time. Not a lowly Mr. Pipp. So she, they, they, they get out of the, the, the, whatever. And they're running through the city and, uh, the mummy lady is like, hey, I'm gonna make a dust storm by returning all of the glass in the city to sand and making a sandstorm out of that and I was like there's gotta be a better way. There has to be a better way that's a long process.

And she starts like puking up mercury which just like rolls off and I'm like oh mercury when you puk it up it's easy cleanup. Yeah that's true even if you puked onto the rug. Uh-huh yeah well you can't. Like a cat I can't be fucking puke on the hardwood floors. Because they're ticks. I just I just can't. I just can't. Like they genetically cannot puke on the rug. their tuc. I just thi. I just their genetically. their genetically. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the it's the it's thuke it's thuke it thuke it thuke it thuke it. thuke it. thuke it. thuke it. thuke it. thuke it. thuuke it. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke the. Puke tu-a and then he'll just go back and mosey back over and be like, blah right on the edge of it. Listen, if I pick on the turf floor, there's gonna be splash. I get that? That's why I puked in a toilet, which also sometimes splashes me. Heavy puker. I'll tell you what, I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't I haven't puked. I'm I'm I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm took th. I'm took th. Pek. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the the the th. I'm Puget in about a month. Oh, congrats. Thank you. Yeah. So yeah, now they're running around from the glass sandstorm. They head to a burial site where the knights are, and then the knights awaken and they start fighting everybody. And then there's zombie chases,

and there's a train tunnel, which I actually thought was pretty fun, that they have to like hide from the train and the zombies at the same time. Yeah, but eventually she gets the stone. She gets the stone, and I wrote, I'm upset or happy, who am I rooting for her? Yeah, yeah.

She was thwarted, come on. Yeah, she, this is none of your fucking business. Tom Cruise. Also, I feel like they make her way pettier than they had to make her. You think so? Yeah, which is like the, oh my dad had killing the babies until your dad dies and then nothing could be taken from you. Or just kill your dad, which she does anyway. Why not just kill the baby and your dad and take over? Why go through all of this? You can just still fuck that fuck boy just without the dagger. Don't you think?

I a hundred percent agree. Fuck that fuck boy. You don't need to make him into a living god. No fuck boy should be made into a living god. Their head will get too big about it. If the internet has taught me anything. Yeah. No fuck boy should be made to a living god. Uh, I have notes that are just, I don't even know what they mean. Read them to me and I'll tell you. Amanet is with them? Oh, I think it's when she gets, she's with them. Okay. Uh, she steals Jenny?

I don't recall that. Jenny is Deady. Oh, okay. Oh, this is after the, like, the water scene where Tom Cruise and Dr. Jenny are in the water and he's like holding her face really close to the thrown. crazy eyes, which I thought was very upsetting. And then he swims a very far away underwater. Just to prove that he could hold his breath for a long time. I think he's actually a very slow swimmer. I bet he could hold his breath for a long fucking time.

I think both things are true. Yeah, like a sociopath. And for some reason, there's a breathing track, like a track, Oka, Shaka, Oka, Shaka. I came by this, mea. Yeah, yeah, I got that. Okay. Okay. Yeah, but rip Jenny. And then, Ominette says, she was always doomed or something.

Yeah. And I hated that he was like, no, I've got to become a living god so I can bring her back because all I've ever loved is her. The only thing I've ever cared about not making money. No, not veil, certainly. She says to him there are worse fates than death. Can you think of some? Like Florida. I'm having to move back in with my parents.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my, truly. That made my blood run cold. Yeah. Mm, mm, yeah. Being told that marshmallows will never exist again. I know it's heartbreaking, right? I know. I know.

Why does he think he could beat up an ancient magical mummy? He's just like throwing punches, like, like, what? I mean that's just hubris, right? I guess, but she, like also if she's an ancient magic, why is she resorting to hand-to-hand combat? I don't know, why is when he's about to stab her, He says it's not you, it's me. Like it's going to be hilarious. We're all going to run out of the theater. Just like a deaf-jam comedy jam, like losing our mind. He sets that up by saying, I'm sorry, we're just never going to happen. And it's not me, it's you. That's the joke. That's the joke. First of all, okay Taylor Swift. And second, that is that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not the the that is not the the comedy. that is not the comedy. the comedy. the comedy. th. the comedy.. First of all, okay, Taylor Swift. And second, that is not a comedy beat.

It's just not. How dare you smurch the name of Tay Tay. I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately. Really? Only seven-year-old child. Oh. It's also weird to hear her sing the lyrics. Because she's like the shape of your body and I'm like, shut up! Fuck! It's too early for this. I feel like I need to make her a mix of my favorite like Lafay-Taffy and like stripper jams.

Make her a, okay, do it because she did love your new wave playlist for like the first four years of her life. I just wanted to be like walking about and going, my laugh-ta-taffy. She loves bubble butt. So I think we're I think th- I th- I th- I th- I th- I th- I th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- it's th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th- th too th too th too th too th too th too th too th too th too th too. It th too. It th too. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th- it's th- it's th- it's th- it's th- it's th- th- tho tho' tho' tho'-too-too-s too too-too-s too early thooooooooooooooooooooooo'-too-too-too-too tho'- of her life. I just wanted to be like walking about and going, my laugh, at tape, my laugh, tape. She loves bubble butt, so I think we're on to something there. I want to get a reel into go-go music. Okay, please make this happen. All right. Fantastic.

Let's continue to manipulate her for as long as we can. So the stone is broken. I'm not sure what that matters for or about. So the stone is broken after he does the thing he needs to do with it. And he stabs himself to become the living god and then breaks the stone so it can't do any more magics. And then the stone goes black. Okay, yeah, yeah. And he drains Amanet of her soul glow. And she looks pretty cool, all withered up.

Yeah, it makes her all like mummied up. And then Dr. Jenny wakes up. Yeah. Dr. Jenny's not fucking dead. He brings her back to life. How dare you think Dr. Jenny was going to be dead forever. And then he says, I'll find you. Yeah, good- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the's the the's the's the's the's the's thoen's thoen's the's thoen's thoom's thoen. thoen's tho tho tho thane's thane's thane's tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thoes. thoes. th. thoes. th. th. th. th. tho th. th. the's tho the's tho the. the. the. the. the thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeseses. think Dr. Jenny was going to be dead forever? And then he says, I'll find you. Yeah, goodbye Jenny, I'll find you. Ooh, don't. And the most haunting like next morning, like after her one night stand note you could find. I'll find you. Fuck! I have to move! I have to burn off my fingerprints.

You superglom to your side and then stretch them across your skin. You superglue your fingertips to the side of your super glue. Super glue. Then to the side of your body and then slowly stretch them as you pull them off and it changes the shape of them. All right, Eugene Toombs. Hey, I'm just trying to help you get away from this freak who's trying to find you. Thank you, Alan. And he's brought a veil back from the dead as well.

Who says like, thanks for bringing me back to life and all, but what are we doing here? What? What are we doing to Jake Johnson? What's happening here? I feel like he came back and delivered that line and was like, I hate myself. I'm gonna go back to New Girl now. I'll see you guys later. I loved that show. Right? So we do Chanel.

So we do Chanel. Every time we say it differently. So we do a ha? The chau-a-a. Sometimes it does take a monster to fight a monster. Yeah. I would much rather watch like Godzilla versus Mothra. Sure. That's a monster fighting a monster I can get behind. Yeah, what is that, uh, the Gargantuan's movie? I'd watch that all day long.

There you go. Ah, Katie. Alan. I'm going to demand a rating for this movie from you. Do you really think you're in a position's but, it's really, really, but. Two and a half. Sure. Really didn't enjoy it. Really had to keep ratcheting up the speed.

There was almost nothing worse than mediocrity. And this movie is just swimming in mediocrity. Yeah. I feel like we should sometimes do the Brandon Frazier mummy. And this movie is just swimming in mediocrity. Yeah. I feel like we should sometime soon do the Brandon Frazier mummy, which is actually a delight of a film. I would watch Brendan Frazier do a lot of things. Yeah, and it's still like hunky, hunky, Brunkey Frazier times.

Yeah, I mean, I think you're still really cute. Still really cute, but he's like, school ties? Come on, what are we talking about here? You will find this hard to believe, but I find him smoking hot and Encino man. Oh yeah, sure. Oh, God. I'm especially put up against a Polly Shore. How dare you. And who's the other Dildo?

too? Oh, thi. . Oh, thi. Let's buy O'Dill. Come on, get your probably sure is so right. I won't. I don't think Sean Ashton's a bad guy, is he? Oh, he's fine. No, yeah, yeah. Don't do that. Sam, why's Gamgee.

What's this now? Is this a movie? It's from Lodd. It's from Loddor. horn you can do it to him. Uh, would you say two and a half? I sure did, Alan. I'm gonna bump it up to the three. Wow. Just because I like, I feel bad for Jake Johnson for being this movie. I don't think that's a, I don't think that's a good reason, but I'm not here to argue with you. But I'm also stoked the Courtney me, V V. V. V. Was like, how long? to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. to. to. the to. to. th. to. th. th. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. the. the. the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. I feel. I feel. I feel. I feel. I go back to law or order. CBV, baby. Katie. Alan. Can I read you a message?

Oh no, before I do the patron message, we got a message on Instagram that I need to read because it's an update from last week's podcast. Okay, great. Hi, I love your podcast, obviously. Obviously. In response to Katie's warnings about people with pinky rings. Oh no. They're a historical queer signifier. I don't think a man with a pinky ring would be interested in me as

they were an Oscar Wild thing. I wear a pinky ring as an homage to fem lesbians in the mid-20th century wore them to signify they were queer despite looking feminine. However, she's probably entirely right about a guy with a thumbring. He sounds terrible. I'm sorry, I done fucked up. No. I didn't know my history. Keep up the good work, love your show and hate cops. And this did not offend me at all. It was very funny, just to be clear. Oh, okay. Well, for anybody who was offended, I do apologize. I didn't know. And there's a lot of th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi tho thi thi thi tho to to to to thi thi thi thi thi to to thi thi thi thi the the their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. I th. I th. th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi the the. the. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. tho. I there's a lot of things I don't know and there's a lot of like reason to ride like straight to pick your rings oh yeah one hundo well thank you for letting me know I appreciate that and that was a colabrina on

Instagram I'm happy to be corrected when it matters sure correct me about whether you think a movie was good or not You can correct me about shit like this. I need to be I need to be I do need to be told I'm also a very big fan of calling in rather than calling out totally appreciate the tone of that. Yeah, thank you so much. This is a message from Hair Gilman. Hey, you two lovelies. I've been silent followers since your first appearance on GAM. Oh, hi. And GAM, why did I say it like that? Because you're cute, GAM. I'm gonna be hawking a native body spray after this. And after I nearly-

Smells like dirty pussy. No, that's Loom. Yeah. And after I nearly died laughing of Ghost Katie's, Yeah, what the hell man and your latest guest masochisting on GAM. I could not do anything become a patron. Keep up the good work, your delightful podcast and inner hostile chemistry. Probably interpersonal.

Has been a very, uh, been a weekly bright light during some of the most stressful times. Love you and Big Hugs All Around. That was sent to us four months ago. What the fuck? This person probably already canceled their Patreon. Recently, Hare Gilman said, hey, I've been a patron since April. See above.

I didn't never got a shout. Have you forgotten me? Alan, you forgot hair Gilman How could you forget hair tell? I forget it's just sometimes I'm slow at getting these things out? Yeah, well you know. Hair Gilman, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for being a patron. Thank you for thank you for being a patron. Thank you for supporting us and thank you for being cool. And thank you to all our patrons and thank you to all our to to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the the the the to the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to to the their. to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. the their. the the the the the their. their. the their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. tel. t our patrons and thank you to all our listeners. You know to be a patron this is free forever. Yeah. And speaking of which, we're going to do a new movie.

And I'm very excited because at the beginning of this I was like, Katie, do we need to pick a new movie? And she's like, no, I've got one and you're going to have to wait until the end to learn along with the rest of you what movie we're doing. Ladies Nightmare has been resurrected. Oh, they're back! We're back, we're back baby, which is fantastic. I love this. We had our first meeting this week and we watched this really schlocky 80s movie called Arobicide? Are you familiar with Aroboside? I'm not recommending we do Aroboside, because it was just too much. But I thought I could really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really the the the the the the thiiiiii. I thi. I'm thi. We're to thi. We're to to to to to to to th. We're back back back back back, to th. We're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back. We're back. We're back. We're back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back. We're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the their back the the to the to to to to to thi. We're to to thi. We're back, thi. We're back, thi. We're back, nice, thi. We're back, nice, thi. We're back, thi. We're back, ide because it was just too much. Okay. But I thought I could really dig into some like schlock 80s like shopping mall style movie for this week. And so without consulting you or asking your permission, I have chosen the 1986 film Spookies.

Spookies. Are you familiar with Spookies? I know the poster art. I don't know if I've ever seen it. A dilapidated mansion becomes a slaughterhouse when an evil sorcerer unleashes his monstrous side kicks on intruders. Oh, is this a puppet movie? Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spookies. Thank you, Katie. I'm excited for this. I'm glad. It's also only an hour and 25 minutes because like I'm really tired. And it's on Tubby. Yeah, I think it's probably, I think it's on shutter to you maybe. Okay, okay. It might be because it's on the MC as well. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. Spookies. Spookies. Thank you. Thank you. No, you did the mummy. I have to thank you. Yeah, really? You do owe me. And we're probably both gonna love Spookies. Yeah. Do you realize that if we had done that movie 400 movies ago, I'd be like, this is a piece of shit.

No, I'm like, I can't wait to watch spookies. You're welcome. I feel like you're the better for it for loving all of these shit ass movies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks everyone who's bought in merch from T Public recently. Selling some stuff lately. Yeah. You've moving some units as they say.

Yeah, yeah. Big birthday season. Think the people buying gifts for other people. Yeah, I hope so. And I do love all the people like buy magnets for their fridge. I know you see us every morning when you get in your coffee. Yeah, get the milk for your coffee and there's some two dildos on your fridge. Just two fucking dildos. I would like a version of that one where you know you're where that's our big backdrop

that we used in YouTube videos where you're holding the flashlight. But instead of our faces they're just a huge dildos. Justin Kilner. Justin has a real job. We keep asking him for things. It's true. Oh, thank you, Justin Gray. Yeah, all of our art by Justin Gray? Yeah. Beautiful human being.

Loved him so much. Great artist. I've been playing Fortnite a lot with him recently, which is such a weird development in my life. That is weird. th is weird. looks like sometimes? Yeah, for sure. I want to see a fortnight. It's not what I thought. I thought it was all about dancing, but it's all about killing people. It's pretty strange. What a weird world we live in.

Have you learned to, um, what's the dance? What's the dance? your hips go back and forth? Oh no, not in real life nor in game. What is it called? Oh, all I can think of is Dougie and that's not it because that's a dancer 20 years ago. Teach me out of Duggy. All my bitches love me. All my bitches love me. What is it called? Floss.

Flossing, ha! Didn't even Google it. What is the song that's like the du du du du du du song, it's, it, the song, the song, the song, the song, the song, the song, the song, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.. It, no. It, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, no. It's, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's, no, thatthe Dougie, it mentions the Whiff, it mentions the Nene, there's all like these like early 2000 songs. So good. Yeah. Anyway, come back for that information next week. We're not going to give it to you. I have no, I'm going to forget it as soon as I leave this attic.

What? What? You're all beautiful? Yeah, if you want you. you. to to to th back-sash-woral ambulance. If you want to buy merch, it's T-Public dot com, search for where-off ambulance ambulance. You can email us at World Ambulance at Gmail. We're not really on social media, but do look for our link tree so that you can join our discord where we've not mentioned this, I don't think before, but there's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thoom is thoombue. thi. thiolomea' is to be. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. is is is is to be. to be. to be. to be. to be thi. thi. thi. to be thi. to be. tooer. tooe. t. t. t. t. t.euu.ea.ease.ease.ease.ease.ease.ease.ea.ea.ease. I's. I's. I'm t.ea. I's is to... Whatever, I don't do days. Sorry, I didn't mean to actually you. No, I mean that was, again, I should be corrected when I'm wrong. But yeah, get on there and watch movies with our friends. There's so no... I went on there the other day and there was just a bunch of people

wishing somebody a happy birthday. Oh, I'm like, oh, you're so nice. You're so nice. Get in there. It's a nice community and they talk about all sorts of other things besides just us, because who would want to just talk about us? Yeah, yeah. There's even like a political ranting channel now. Oh, is there? Are you, are you making all these channels? Oh, is you're making all thanks. about cucumbers. What you got? Give me your best cucumber recipes, salads. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I love cucumbers. Who doesn't? I love a cucumber. I love cucumbers. Who doesn't. I love.

I love cucumber. Cucumber. I love a cuis. Fuck. Delicious. Like you dip in them? Or do you touche? Like like, what a shitty tatsiki. We gotta go. Okay, all right. Thanks for listening to another episode of WhereWolf Ambulance. Clear. Uh, ambulance. I fucked up.

Fuck. Just say clear too. Clear. Yeah No we do in Finland's cute, fulfilled reviews. Get the clouds and land the face. Can Emily and his face? Appearance I've asked you in case. Please make I continue the grave. E&T. A-Rodd!

A-Rodd! A-D-T. We live deliciously, bad temperature, obese, recently gone today. A paranormal today, a paranormal act of duties, a paranormal act of duties from Mr. Rogers to eat in END, EFT. E.M.2.