Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 493- Shocker (1989)

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

In this week's episode, we're discussing the utterly silly 1989 Wes Craven film, "Shocker." Special topics for your consideration include: your foster kid, confusing police work, a double dip into the world of blue collar workers being murderers, and absolutely doubting "true love." Get into our Wes Craven catalogue! You've got Episode 4- "Nightmare on Elm Street," Episode 44- Scream," Episode 138- "The People Under the Stairs," Episode 228- "Scre4m," Episode 242- "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors," Episode 278- Scr3am," Episode 362- "Wes Craven's New Nightmare," and finally Episode 391- "Scream 2." WHEW. The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. We are carrying our Frank Langella love all the way into the Patreon with this month's selection, "Masters of the Universe."   leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever.   If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

Oh, Katie. Oh, Alan. Hi. Just refer to me as Horse Pinker from here on out. Horse Pinker. Famous pop punk band. That's a great name for a pop punk band. Was it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's so good. There was a local pop punk band called Groverdill here in Pittsburgh. They're from like Belvern. I did not know that Horace Pinker was named after the titular character of one shocker. Mitch Pileggi, a baby, but still bald, bald as fuck. after the titular character of one shocker. Mitch Pileggi, a baby, but still bald, bald as fuck.

Too much makeup on, I feel like. He's got an almost Trumpian hue in this film. He is wearing a lot of bronzer, and they've also filled his eyebrows in to be very dark, and I was like, is this a race thing? Are you guys doing a race thing here, Wes Craven? Yeah, Horace Pinker. It's a very racially charged name.

Oh my God. What the fuck though? This movie opens on guitar riffs and static cause hell yeah, it's the dawn of the 90s. And fucking agitated TV repair man. Oh no. And you're seeing the opening credits like, all right, Mitch Pileggi, yeah.

And then it's like Ted Ramey and Timothy Leary. Fucking Leary. What? Oh, that mango I had last week, not my last one of the season. Salud. Amia Familia. It's still very hot here in Pittsburgh.

I'm still drinking a fall beer like it's already fall. You're wearing a tank top, shorts. Yeah. Flippy floppies. Yeah. Okay. Still a fat guy. That didn't change.

Relax. Timothy Leary. Mm-hmm. I have a note that I wrote to myself and giggled because I was like, no one cares about this. And I said, of course Desmond Child is involved. I don't know what that means. The hair metal record producer of the eighties, who put together the super group dudes of wrath or dudes of rage. What?

Which is so the first, the opening song in this movie. Where the lyrics don't, don't rhyme and they really ought to. Did you notice that? It was driving me insane. Well, it's got the vocal stylings of one Paul Stanley was a very distinctive voice. Sure. And I was like, Oh, is this kiss weird? Yeah.

It's dudes of wrath and or rage. I can't remember which. I did it later in my notes. It was a one-off band just for this movie. And it's him. And I want to say Vivian Campbell, maybe. Tommy Lee of the Big Dict. Of the Big Dicts, Tommy Lee's. Of the Big Dict Lee's. Of the honking a with your crankleys.

If you could, you would, you know? Oh my God, it honked everything. Children's noses. No, they love it all too. And then like other people, but yes, Paul Stanley is the singer. Gotcha. Yeah, the song fucking blows.

The whole soundtrack to this movie sucks, but even the dangerous toy song. I mean the cover of no more Mr. Nice guy where you only get like six lines of it repeated ad nauseam. Cause no one wants to hear Dave Mustaine's vocals. Oh no. Dude was that the Metallica documentary where he shows up like wearing sweat pants and bitching about how he got kicked out of Metallica? I love that. Yeah. God, I love some kind of monster so much. It's a fucking Oscar winner should have been. I want, I want someone to ask me what I thought of it.

And I was like, Oh, it's like watching gods die. It's beautiful. It's really, really good. These people that I've like held in such esteem. And now you're just like, Oh, they're turks. Lars selling his art collection and being sweaty and wasted. Just being like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. These people that I've like held in such esteem and now you're just like, oh, they're turks.

Lars selling his art collection and being sweaty and wasted, just being the guy that hit millions, millions. Why did Basquiat stop painting there? Shut the fuck up, Lars. He's so stupid. He's the stupidest man on the planet. I was wearing my, it should have been Lars t-shirt out in public the other day. And I was like, it is the meanest t-shirt.

It's the truest t-shirt. I mean, you've also have that shirt that says we have found new homes for the rich. And it's a picture of a cemetery. I got a new shirt in the mail today. That is anti-robot cop dogs. Anti-robot cop dogs. What does it say? What does it do? It's just a picture of, um, uh, one of those little cop dogs, like the, the, uh, Boston dynamics dogs, but it's got like a gun and a bunch of stuff on top of it. And it says like D O G like something about oppressive governments

and like canine has a spelling out on it. And it's like, got a peace sign inside of a, what do you call those things when you're aiming? It's about a target symbol. There's a target symbol with a peace sign underneath of it. And it's just like, I'm gonna look like a lunatic wearing this in public. I'm so glad you're keeping these retailers in business.

I have this dream of being the oracle in the post-apocalypse where people come to me and they're like, we need information. And I feel like that guy should be wearing maniacal t-shirts when you show up. That world is a fuck Garfield t-shirt you have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, back to this movie. I'm like dumb sartorial choices. I was like, Missy, what do you think of this shirt? She's like, I don't know. You love throwing money away. She's not wrong.

We're getting a newscaster describing the family killer. That's the name they give this motherfucker, the family killer. First half pass on a fucking serial killer name. Seriously, go take a shit and try again. The, what we learned about him is that he is male and savagely powerful. I was like, holy shit.

Same girl. That fucked me up a little bit. I was like, oh. Mitch Pelig? Mitch Pelig. Also when Mitch Pelig is evil TV repairman at the very beginning. Yeah.

He's doing voiceover and he's kind of doing it in Freddie's voice. He's like, ah, this sucks. He is shit Freddie. He's like is shit Freddy We'll get to it, but he goes full-on fuck. I mean this movie should be called a nightmare on Elm Street 1.5 This one's got Timothy Leary the nightmare and Elm cul-de. The nightmare on, yeah, the nightmare on Cedar Boulevard.

We're told that he is getting away because he keeps coming through locked doors and avoiding the cops, so we know he must be smart or something. I guess. All right, dudes, relax. I mean, he's gotta be smart, it's a TV repair. Right. Tubes and tubes, Right. Tubes and tubes.

Tubes and tubes. Tubes on tubes on tubes. And you gotta be strong, savagely powerful even, because those are heavy. Those are fucking heavy. Fucking heavy. My beloved Justin Gray once bought a like 40 inch tube television.

Justin why? And it took like six of us to carry it into his house. It was so fucking heavy. They're so fucking heavy and unwieldy. When you're holding the back, you're like this motherfucker is going to fall off. I hate it. He's got to be strong.

He lifts those TVs. He's got to be smart. He fixes TV. Yes. Savagely powerful. So cut to Jonathan, our star, our star. So cut to Jonathan, our star, our teen. How old is he? 25.

This is Peter Berg, who went on to direct like very well-known movies. Sure, yeah. I can't think of a single one right now, but he did and I know they were pretty good. The Pelican Brief. Hold on. Skaskank Redemption.

Stop. Lone Survivor, people liked that, right? What is that? I don't know. Is that a Mark Wahlberg? Yeah, he does all the Mark Wahlberg movies. He did Friday Night Lights, the movie. Oh, I like that movie.

Fire in the Sky, a movie that I thought was terrifying and ended up doing it on someone else's podcast and turned out to be scary at all. Go find the YouTube for... Fly Over State of Fear. Yes, so you can see Katie talking about that movie and realize that she made a terrible, terrible mistake. Yeah, it's cool watching me realize my mistake in real time.

I don't know, but yeah, he's made like the last five Marky Mark movies. So whatever, he's a better director than actor, presumably. How dare you? Jonathan is a master course in Jonathan. He just got really puffy lips. And who is the assistant football coach for this high school football team? Ted Raimi. Ted Raimi. Ted Raimi. As a character called Pac-Man. It's fucking Ted Raimi. Ted Raimi. Ted Raimi. As a character called Pac-Man. It's fucking Ted Raimi. All right. Oh my God. And he's got like this hot, ingenue lady friend, Jonathan

does. Yeah. And his best friend is Rhino. I just like so desperately want my nickname to be Rhino. Really? Republican in name only? No, with an H. Republican in name only. Republican hey! Hey! Real housewife in name only. It's true. Yeah. I got a job. Yes, Rhino, because he's just, he's so good at tacklements. Um, I love him and everyone should have a friend like Rhino. Yeah, it's true. And also he describes Jonathan as quote, getting more ass than a toilet seat, which is something I will never stop thinking about for the rest of my life.

Buddy, that's where people poop. That's where people poop. But also, okay, so he gets more ass than a toilet seat. And when we meet his ingenue, she says, we've been dating on and off for a year. We haven't even slept together yet. Yeah, what is that, Allison Clemens?

Yes, when do they fall in love exactly? Cause he's fucking around right now. He's getting more ass than a toilet seat, not from her. He might just be the Cleveland steamer. She don't know what this guy's doing. Well, someone's shitting on him. It's not Allison. It could be Rhino.

That's cute actually. That's, I like that. It's not Allison. It could be Rhino. That's cute actually. That's, I like that. It's cute. It's cute. Jonathan is stupid and runs headlong into a goal post. CTE baby. It's so bad. It's so dumb.

Sometimes I wonder what Wes Craven is thinking. This movie was a real look into what Wes Craven is thinking. This movie was a real look into what Wes Craven is thinking and none of it is good. You know what I mean? But it also feels like when Prince has to do an album to fulfill his contractual obligation to make a bunch of albums and then you get back dance. Yeah. It's just like, no disrespect to back dance. It's a bop. It's a, it's a banger, but it's also insane. And this movie is just like, yeah, I'll do another Freddy schmovie.

I feel like he just, these were all lines that were on the Freddy cutting room floor. And he went around sweeping them up and taping them to pieces of paper. Yeah. So when Jonathan, Jonathan gets knocked out, he has a CTE nightmare dream where he is on a blue screen on a street with ghost children running behind he and Alice. So I thought it was just a bad edit. It took me until later. Like when he woke up, I was like, Oh, that wasn't just like a weird cut that they made. Whoops.

And he is then transported into his house where he sees his mother and two, or his foster mother and the two other foster kids being murdered by one horus pinker, AKA Mitch Pelagi, AKA I'd stick my sword in her box. I'm not sure Mitch Pelagi ever said that, but whatever. He definitely didn't. Revision is history.

The sun's fingers are all mangled, which is how he's able to recognize this later. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he jumps right through him. Yeah. Yeah.

Which I have the note, Wes Craven, you can't have two dream murderers. You can't, you can't do it. But he does. He does. In his defense, shocker. Did you know this movie existed? Never. I brought it up. Never.

I thought you were joking. Genuinely. Yeah. Tag light, two in the pink, one in the stink. Gross, Alan. Shocker. Pervert. I didn't make it up.

You brought it up. This is where I turn prude. So speaking of prudes, Alison is sleeping in her all buttoned up blouse. Does she live there? Cause she seems to live. So she's showering there later. So was she joking when she said they were dating on and off for a year, but hadn't had sex yet? I guess so. What the fuck was because apparently in the fiction of this movie, foster kid just means roommate to your cop dad.

Yeah, cop buddy. I have some clarification. Yeah. Dudes of Wrath was the name of the band. Thank you so much. I had already forgotten the band existed. No Vivian Campbell. No.

But one of my favorite named 80s rock guys. Who's that? Guy Man Dude. What? Who is that? Guy Man guys. Guy man dude? What? Who is that? Guy man dude. Tell me what? He was like a guitar player maybe?

Named guy man dude? No, no he wasn't first of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might have been in nitro with the singer who could hit such high notes that he broke glass. That's rad. He's a real piece of shit though. He like trapped Lita Ford on an island for years.

Anyway. Okay. That's for a different podcast. Yeah, I can't be on that one. But yeah, Allison also answers the phone at Jonathan's house. So either she lives there or she, whatever. I just don't understand.

I feel like I had friends that would answer the phone in my house. Yeah, but you were like tight with him. Sure. It wasn't someone you'd been dating on and off and not slept with. I just don't understand. I feel like I had friends that would answer the phone in my house. Yeah, but you were like tight with them. Sure. It wasn't someone you'd been dating on and often not slept with. Oh no, just a friend.

Yeah, I'm just saying. So Jonathan grabs the phone and he goes, dad, dad, is the family all right? But he's not saying dad, he's saying Don, but it sounds just like he's saying Dodd, Dodd. So for the entire movie, I thought he was saying Dodd. It's, oh my God, it's absurd. Wasn't it until someone else called him Don that I was like, Oh, Dawn.

Why didn't he just call him dad? Because they're roommates. So John Tash tells us about the murders of the family. Yeah, nah, they got murdered. And I was like, damn John T Yeah, nah, they got murdered. And I was like, damn, John Tesh, remember you? Not really. Live at Red Rocks, man.

Oh, that John Tesh. Yeah, he was also a TV personality for Entertainment Tonight. How did this movie get cast? But everybody who's anybody is in it. Mitch Palak, John Tesh, Timothy Leary, the guy who directs Mark Wahlberg movies. Wes Craven's kid. Really? Yeah, he's the jogger. Heather Langenkamp for a brief second. Wait, where is she?

She's one of the victims at some point. Oh. She's just buds? She's just buds with Wes Craven? Yeah. She's like, you're not making a fucking Freddy movie without me. And he's like, it actually isn't. She was like, it is, it is. Wes, don't you fucking lie to me, Wes Craven. Wes Craven. So then we cut to something that made me think of you.

Me? What's that? Funeral in the rain. Why? Because you brought up in the night house, you're like, it must have been writing. It was a funeral. Well, that's a great free association I did there. Yeah. Funeral in the rain.

So after the funeral, Don and John go to the local taffer. He orders a Jack Daniel on the rocks. Gross. You're going to drink it on the rock as it gets on the else. Double whiskey, Coke, no ice. That's the order, buddy. Come on. We learned that Jonathan was a foster kid who had been beaten and adopted or taken in at the age of seven, which we learned from a news broadcast, which

seems like a weird place to learn it from. And what was the thought you had at this point in time? Why am I watching this movie, I think is what I was thinking. And then I would check the timestamp and I think, boy, not much time has passed. What about you? What were you thinking? Oh, when are we going to figure out that horse pinker is John's dad? Well, yeah. It's a foster kid. There's a murderer. And start the watch.

He tells Dawn that he dreamt of the murders. Yeah. And this infuriates Dawn does not believe him is indignant about it. He is that is his one setting indignant. Yeah. Yeah. But then he's like, I know about the van. I can tell you where he is, but you got to take me with you. Why though? You're not, you're a college football, a junior college football player. You think that's college?

I thought it was high school. They say something about it being college. Oh, I assumed it was high school. He has his own apartment. I thought he lived in Don's house. You think he had that water bed and that girlfriend in Don's house? I will.

I'm sorry, you don't let a foster kid stay with you that until they're 25. You don't let a biological kid stay with you till they're 25. Get the fuck out. Did my part. Obviously you don't know a lot of Gen Z. You're right, Alan. I don't. But you've got the Riz. I found out today that Rizler is a thing that they say. Am I a Rizler? Apparently Rizlers are people who pull a lot. Like you have a lot of sex. Yeah. They get more ass than toilet seats. Yeah. That's not me. Um, uh, uh, yeah, I don't know how I didn't figure out that he lived on his own. I mean, they do go to his apartment a number of times. Definitely thought it was in the house. The Don also lived in. Who fucking cares? Honestly, you might be right. Oh, I will point out that when I was texting you

about this movie, I was definitely like, hey, I'm also drinking while I'm doing this. Oh, you did say that. So I may have tied one on while watching this movie last night. It's no less than this movie deserves. So they go to Horsepinkers' appliance store. TV's all over the place.

And the cops are immediately lying about what they're gonna do to get into this place. Yeah, Don's a dirty cop. And also he probably shouldn't be investigating this crime, the murder of his family. You're a little too close to the situation. I mean, I've seen enough British crime dramas to know that's when you get taken off the case,

when they murder your family. But you say you're taken off the case, but then you go and start investigating on your own. Yeah, you go rogue, you're right. But he's not going rogue, he has a bunch of uniforms with him at all times. Which is why I have the note, A-D-A-B. Sorry to all our listeners who are named Don, but all Don's are bastards. Oh, that can't be true. It's not.

You know what the odds are against you though, when you look at the Donnels of this world? You got fucking Trump. You got Duck. Donald Duck is a bastard. It's true, the way he treats his nephews. Jesus, nephew is like shit. Which Hazel has to come in and nearly impale him with a broomstick. God, I can't wait to watch that again this year.

Oh my God, I'm watching Muppets Haunted Mansion tomorrow. I'm so excited. Oh, what time am I coming over? You wanna come over and order pizza and watch Muppets Haunted Mansion? You can if you want. Lucy would probably love that. I don't think I've seen Muppets Haunted Mansion? You can if you want. Lucy would probably love that. I don't think I've seen Muppets Haunted Mansion.

It just came out like a couple of years ago. It's got John Stamos and Nicole Brown. I've seen the Eddie Murphy one. No, I'm not watching that. Okay. And then there was another one that came out recently and I tried watching that and it was trash. And he hit with Tiffany Pash's movie.

Look, it's a children's movie. Relax. Everybody needs it to relax. No, if it's not up to my high, high standards of citizen Kang and shocker, shocker, shocker. So they break in. Yeah. There's like a secret door that opens and Mitch Pledgy grabs one of the uniform guys when he grabs him and goes, Hey, man, Wes Craven is obsessed with the idea that blue collar male workers are out to

murder everybody. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. What is that about Wes? I mean all the way back to rich. I don't know. I bet he did. I bet he just got beat up by like blue collar dudes when he was a kid. I'm thinking back to a, what is it? Uh, he did last house on the left. Yes, he sure did. And that's like blue collary dudes wrecking everything. I can't watch that movie. I've never finished it. I've never seen the end.

Why? I just got so far in and then, you know, I had to stop for reasons. Let me pause this and watch. I spit on your grave. I haven't seen that either. And you're the better for it. Yeah, I think I'm fine. Uh, yeah. Horse fingers watching them. He grabs one of the cops through his secret doors.

And I was like, I should have checked for secret doors. I mean, that's the first thing you do when you break into a new place. You check for traps, you check for secret doors. None of these cops had a 10 foot pole with them. No. Look at noobs. And it doesn't matter because there's blood pouring

from under the secret door anyway. Why make it a secret door then, Wes? I don't know. But horse pinker walks outside in the uniform and he's, I don't know, seven times the size of the man that he stole the uniform from. He is a hunk of a man in this. And people, uh, he walks outside and two other cops go, Hey, Sarge, what are we doing here? How did they not recognize that the guy in the uniform was not the person they came with? Like if I were to leave this room and then say, you know, Beyonce were to come back wearing a black tank top

and purple shorts, would you think it was me? Yeah. She had this bandana on? Yeah. You're always putting all my stuff in a box to the left. Don't start. Don't do this. Katie, say my name! I was gonna say wow, a cultural reference from about 20 years ago and then you pulled out the 30 years ago. So

when no one is around you say baby I love you if you ain't running games. Say my name, say my name. You went to kind of shade. You ain't calling me baby. Why the sudden change? Say my name, say my name. I fell down and no one helped me up. That's your favorite thing about Destiny's Child of all time. I wish I had a running count of the amount of times you brought that up. And when you look in the mirror. We make lunch!

No, that's right. Do you look in the mirror? When we make lunch, why are we so goofy today? We gotta pull it together. The kids are going to love it. Yeah. So Pinker murders two cops escapes in the van. Jonathan just wanders about the crime scene because he's a college football player. So he has some expertise. And or a high school kid who still lives with his foster parents. No, that's all right. You're fine.

You're good. So it's not so bad that he's the actor. He's 45 years old in this movie. Yeah. I think he's meant to be collegiate because Rhino's not a young man either. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But also here I've written myself a note, dead cops though, what you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I immediately thought of Millions of Dead Cops, MDC, the punk band that will get you in the most trouble in high school for wearing one of their t-shirts. Yeah, you gotta be careful with that. Or the Millions of Dead Christians album that they did as well. Oh, good for them. What was it do, is it?

Keeping your brand really consistent. Yeah, they're diversifying. They did as well. What was it do? Keeping your brand really consistent. Yeah, they're diversify. Yeah. So there's a line. Jonathan's like telling Don, his foster dad, that he wants to stay involved. And Don's response is,

this is my business, police business. He's so angry at Jonathan. This isn't Jonathan's fault. He did know where the killer was. He led them to the killer and the cops fucked up. It's so fucking funny. The next scene is actually my favorite in the movie. Can I describe it to you?

Please. It's a news broadcast. A lot of the story is told in news broadcasts and there's a drawing. This is my favorite too. Mitch Pileggi, which is actually quite good. It looks a lot like him. It looks like he got- It's identifiable. It's a drawing. This is my favorite too. Mitch Pileggi, which is actually quite good. It looks a lot like him. It looks like he got it.

It's identifiable. It's identifiable. It looks like he may have gotten a caricature done on the Santa Barbara. And he's running a skateboard. Yes, no a surfboard because he's on the boardwalk. It's true. And then they're like, yeah, his name is Horace Pinker,

which means you have a photo of him somewhere. You have his state ID. He's driving a van. He owns a business. He's got a storefront. He has his, he's on the books. Why are you showing me this artist's rendering? He's, he, he, the artist rendering of him

has like the rocks people's eyebrow. So does he in this movie at points though. But he's just like, it's cause of the one arch eyebrow and he's like, Hey, I look like Popeye. His eyebrows are drawn in so darkly. He looks like every woman from 2011. I feel like his stubble is also in darkened. Yeah. It's so funny.

Oh my God. Oh, this movie. In this scene also, I think Dawn introduces Jonathan as my foster son. And I was like, that's some bullshit. Oh no, no, no blood. No, no, no, that's fine. Thank you so much.

No. Does that look? No, that didn't come out of my dick. You know my business, police business. Police business. Not skeet business. So cut to a workout scene where we see, or no, it's a, it's back to his apartment. Uh, and, uh, uh, Alison is taking a shower and And then we just off screen here.

This hellish sound. And you're like, Oh, is he rubbing one out while she's in the shower? Look, he's had a hard day. No, he's doing pull ups on his home gymnasium. It like back of the neck pull ups. Is that a thing? I don't know. Probably Marjorie Marjorie. Marjorie Green probably does that.

That would have, she, what was it? Did the other Congresswoman go or a buff bad body bleach blonde pitch or something? Barbie was in there at some point. So good. I also liked that she called Laura Loomer a racist and it was like, Ooh, Laura Loomer, have you gone that far? She sure has though. What a piece of shit. What a pieces of shit.

I mean, truly. This turd, you'll get this other turd. So he's grown into working out and she comes out of the shower, the towel and she's like, Hey, don't you have nine o'clock practice? He's like, Oh man, I'm not a clock practice. I feel like he should be exempt from practice for the time being because his family just got murdered. No way, dude, big game coming up in state or something. He also has to take an exam at one point. And I was like, I think you should get out of that. I think you should. I think you've got a really good case. But how do

we know that he's a good guy? Because he gives her a heart necklace. Look, heart shaped jewelry. Heart shaped jewelry. Strong man. No woman wants it. This is my opinion. But I think a lot of women share this. Heart shaped jewelry is a heart now. No woman named Katie want that heart shaped necklace. Also, I know someone who has a tattoo of the

Jane Seymour open hearts collection from Kate Jewelers. Also, I know someone who has a tattoo of the, um, Jane Seymour open hearts collection from cage. You'll learn stuff like, you know, the heart that goes like this. You know, ask me where it is on her body, on her neck. It's over her heart. You know, someone is someone you're friends with. It's a, it's a relative of a friend. I just love the collection. Just like, oh fuck, you went and did that. Imagine being the tattoo artist who had to be like,

all right, the Jane Seymour Open Hearts collection. That will take me 11 seconds to do, please sit down, have a great day. And give me $150 minimum. So she's like, oh, you remember my birthday. Your family just died and you remembered my birthday. He's like, my family's dead. No, he's not.

He doesn't care. You're the best boy that's ever lived. He gives her the necklace and walks away and she goes, Jonathan Parker, I love you so much. Allison, get a fucking life. Go fuck Rhino and get out of here. Truly. So Jonathan's got the sweetest car. He's basically driving in Christine.

Why is he driving this? Hoomst can say. It's like a car from the, I don't even know what era that is. It's almost like the director of this movie was born in the 50s and would still be hung up era that is. It's almost like the director of this movie was born in the fifties and would still be hung up on that era. See, I was born in the eighties and I don't give a shit about it.

You're always trying to get me to buy a new K car or other things that were popular in the eighties. I don't even know what that means. I really don't. I'm sorry. It's fine. Someone's laughing. Someone your age.

And older. It's fine. Someone's laughing. Someone your age. And older. So he, whilst, whilst he's at 9 AM practice, what happens, Katie? Um, we're there's news broadcasts being broadcasted everywhere and we're learning about black magic and animal sacrifice. I don't remember what that had to do with anything. Giving Chuckie vibes. Chuckie vibes. Because when they broke into horse pinkers TV lair, there were cats on hooks. That's right. Why had he done that?

Because he was doing a cult stuff and animal sacrifice. But he, that doesn't seem like his vibe. I don't know. Maybe he was listening to Halloween by the Misfits and he was like, Oh, cats on poles. That does sound good. It does sound cool. I just don't feel like the man who calls everybody peckerhead is also doing a cult shit. But that's just me. So Allison is in the bathroom, drying her hair.

There's actively steam coming out of the shower. I was like, please turn off the shower if you're going to dry your hair, Allison. You're no longer in the shower. You're contributing to future water wars. Listen, she's got a blouse in there that she's trying to get the wrinkles out. All right, fair enough. And she says while she's watching the news, please God keep him safe.

Like Wes Craven just has a way of writing women like they're kind of fucking idiots. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. like they're kind of fucking idiots. I hate that. Yeah. Which is funny because like he did some of the like best final girl or most iconic,

iconic final girls in movies. Yeah. So Pinker comes in and murders Alison. Of course he does. Really trashes the bathroom. And coach comes up to Jonathan and practices like, Hey man, you gotta go home. Yeah. You should go home. He probably shouldn't have gone to his home where the crime scene was.

Listen, I'm not going to prepare you for this, but you should go home. Yeah. And he runs up to the tub, which is full of blood and his ex-girlfriend, his now ex girlfriend, late girlfriend. Yeah, a little bit of a little bit of it. You're broken up a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Uh, and he says, baby. And I laughed and they shouldn't have, but I did. It's so silly. He's like, I'll love you forever. And I'm like, have you even fucked? Yeah, they fucked all the time. That's why she was showering and he was doing pull-ups. I guess he's in his refractory period and he's got to stay fresh.

I would just roll around on that water bed. Fucking water bed. Seriously. Also if you've ever had sex on a water bed, it blows. So just putting it out there. I have not, but I feel like it would be really hard to get your timing right. Yeah. The rhythm, the ripple. Yeah. I mean, you can't control the wave. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it sucks. And you can't brace yourself. All right, let's move on. I don't need to have this conversation with you.

No, no. You and I right now are going to pick up the logistics. You can't brace yourself like you're in a ship at sea. You know what I mean? Like you gotta dig your knees in. Forget it. Batten down the hatches. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Twas a hump.

Stop. It was a hump. To Alison's funeral, Ted Ramey's at all the funerals and I love this room. Yeah, he's just like a perpetual funeral goer. He's so supportive. We get a like lingering shot on the corner of Madelena and Wagner streets, which means something to people from Marysville, Ohio, presumably. Madelena Wagner was the original name for horse binker.

I like that so much better. Oh, so Jonathan goes into dreamland and finds the family killer, killing another family. So fucking stupid. And he challenges him and horse baker stops killing the family he's killing and is like, oh, it's you again. He was so willing to abandon killing that family. I thought you were the family killer. I thought this was your thing.

And he was like, welcome to prime time, bitch. He absolutely is. He's doing that voice and he's being quippy and I just don't want that. At some point he yells, you hungry? Well, eat this and tosses a small woman down three steps and everybody's like, Oh, what? Yeah, that's the thing that happens in this movie. Oh, so then they're, they're going to the house, but the cops are following him to interrupt him. I don't know. Murderous interruptus. Right. Because Jonathan knew where the murder was going to happen. He was able to find the house again. You're right. Okay. And he got

his football boys together to go and take care of that. It's just him and Rhino. Oh, I thought there was more there. Okay. No, later they do like a, and one, two, three break on catching a serial killer. But the cops get in there and they, they, they do something. I don't even remember. I know it's getting sparser and sparser. I think they find, I don't care. I think they find the family murdered. Yeah. No, because this isn't when he gets taken into custody.

Oh, no, it's not because he gets taken into custody in his own bedroom. Yeah, you're right. I don't know, I wrote, uh-oh, dad's here and he's smoking. That was my last note about that scene. Oh, so this is when Jonathan chases Horace across the roof. Oh,, they like push his face into a like one of those spinny rooftop balls. What are those for anyway? I think they're just for ventilation. So I think it's spinning to draw air up into it. And I'm pretty sure if you put your face on it, it would just stop. You'd

think. Yeah. But I don't think they have any like momentum to them. It wouldn't just be like, if they did think of the birdakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakakak of them were watching the wide world of wrestling. Oh man. I've been, uh, the person who sent us the, uh, the, uh, uh, Captain Lou Albano action figure. I thank you. I took it out of the box and had been hiding it around the house for missing like elf on a shelf. Captain Lou is always watching you to make sure your behavior is good. Cause that's the kind of partner you get when you get a mate. I mean, what could be worse?

I could be worse. What could be better? Yeah. In this scene, Mitch Pileggi says to Jonathan, it's in the blood. We're killers. Yeah. And you're like, and Jonathan's like, wait, what? Like he still hasn't put it together.

The rest of us were like, Jonathan. And he did run into that goalpost really hard. It's not the first time he's gotten a concussion in practice. And also, man, we thought our dads were bad dads. I mean, like, yeah. So Horace knocks down a ladder, then Jonathan has to jump a roof, and it's very silly. And then it goes right into the chorus of No more Mr. Nice Guy cover. No more.

And I can't recommend it highly enough. Alice Cooper band era Alice Cooper fucking fantastic. Go back and revisit billion dollar babies where the song no more Mr. Nice Guy is from. It's not going to let you down if you appreciate some classic 70s rock. Sure. And it's a little weird watching to the Al scooper from that era concert videos. They're fantastic. Huge fan. Great. Great. I was thinking the other day about my tape that I made. I, I, I copied, I had like 120 minute cassette and one side was billion dollar babies.

And the other side was the return of the living dead soundtrack. And this was like a favorite of mine just to like walk around listening to. I'm certain that's true. I love that for you. But this is where they catch Mitch Pileggi. And he ends up being on death row. Yeah, no trial.

No trial. No. I assume he confessed. Even so, once you're on death row, there are just years of court cases that you have to go through. No, it's next Tuesday. Um, he gets his last meal. What would your last meal be?

My last meal would be someone figuring out how to make the walnut vegetarian shrimp from kingdom of vegetarians in Philadelphia that no longer exists. It was fake shrimp in a mayonnaise sauce. It was so good. Wow. All right. Over rice and with broccoli and candied walnuts. Fuck. So good. So good. How about you? My none as pasta with clam sauce. We eat it on Christmas Eve every year. It's one of the seven fishes. Yeah. Best food. Yeah. Yeah. I want to die stanking of garlic and fish.

I'm going to die my last meal being hot mayonnaise. You know what? You went out as you lived. And that is just goes to show that we can never be put on death row because there's no one around to make those meals for us anymore. No one can make not as a clam. Oh no, we make it every year. Yeah. Not as good though. It's fine. Trying to keep you off death row. I mean, I'm not a fan of capital punishment to begin with here. No, no, no, no, no.

Think she should know of a wearable family. Let's not fans of capital. Not pro capital punishment. Not even a that into the car. Sorial system. Not for the most part. Yeah, no, no. There's some people I'm already with locking up. Ah, sure. Rudy Giuliani. Yeah.

So he could just bleed brown or whatever it does. Anywho. He gets a last meal and a last request. His last request is a TV, we're told, but also apparently jumper cables. Why did they give those to him? Alan, Alan, why? Alan, why did he get the jumper cables?

Cult and electricity magics. He is hooked up to the TV. He's hooked up to the TV and he's saying, come on, give it to me. And then a voice says, you got it, baby. Whose voice is that? Yes. Ah ha ha!

Wes Craven. Why? Why is it? He also has a bunch of candles lit in his cell. Who gave this man a lighter? Am I misremembering, or does his prison jumpsuit also have a checkered board? Oh, it 100% does. Why?

I don't know. He loves scuff. Who doesn't? So he fakes his death and then bites two cops. And after he bites the second one, he goes, finger looking good. He bit the cops fingers off and says finger looking good. It's like, okay, Freddie, all right, all right.

There's a priest who looks like Kenneth from 30 rock grown up. So they, he saw, they pick them up and march them into the chamber. Um, I don't think the person in the chamber can see the witnesses. I think that's part of it. They, you, they don't see, I don't know. Yeah. I don't think that's real. I think it's like a two way mirror kind't see, I don't know. Yeah. I don't think that's real. Hmm. I think it's like a two way mirror kind of thing. I don't know. No, I'm too. I think they don't see the witnesses. I mean, okay. All right. No, why would I, why wouldn't know anything? If dancer in the dark by large montreers, any indication. Gross. They ask him if he has any final words. This is after he calls the priest a pederast.

Which I was like, yeah, right? You're killing cops and calling priests pederasts. I'm kind of on your side. Listen, even a broken horse pinker is right twice a day. That's right. That's right. Who would your last words be? Bury me upside down so you all can kiss my ass.

Oh my God. Why don't you get that on a t-shirt? Did your father have that on a t-shirt? Because I feel like he should have. I think just fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah. How about you? Being fun is better than knowing things. I don't know why they're killing me as I'm saying it. That's really I don't know why they're killing me as I'm saying it. That's really fucking.

So he sees Jonathan, which I get now and starts yelling about how he was beaten him real good. When your mama tried to stop me with that gun, she brought into our happy home. And for a moment he's Southern and I don't know why. We all know this. If you get angry enough, you get Southern. I think in the legal system, that's true. It's true. I'll guarantee.

Yana. But why? But why? Why does he have to do this, your father reveal and I'll tell you about the time that you shot me when you were a kid. Right, he has a pronounced limp, which we learn is because Jonathan as a child shot him in the knee and he calls

him a little pecker head. And I laughed again. He does have a pronounced limp sometimes occasionally. Yes. Did the cop foster dad know about this? Because I feel like he shouldn't have opened the kid up to this, like he must have known where the kid came from. You get information like that. Listen, I feel like if you're fostering a kid in the same town as the family killer

and you know that it's horse maker, you probably want to foster that kid in a farther away area. Yeah, sure, sure. We see the executioner. Can I say something stupid? I thought executioner still wore hoods. I thought, I don't think so. I don't think that you're supposed to know who pulls the thing. Yeah. He's this guy's out here looking like Rick Moranis. I don't know. I have, maybe I have weird ideas about what happens. I thought, I thought there was still anonymity in state led murder. Everybody can see everybody now. I don't know about that. Got one way glass, two way glass,

three way glass. I don't know what it is. Three way. So he gets electrocuted, but he doesn't die. Right. And I feel like if you get electric, if you, if you're getting the death penalty and you get, they try to kill you and it don't work. You're free. You're done. You're free to go home. You go home. No, that's not what happens. The doctor goes in there and she touches him, even though he's being electrocuted currently. And she's been fucking squirrely this whole time. What is her deal? I mean, I agree with her. They're treating him like an animal. The whole thing is barbaric.

I'm with her, but she, the way she's saying it is like, but the warden yells like, get in there doctor. I'd be like, no, thank you. So she touches him like an idiot and gets electrocuted. There's sparks everywhere. He's got the power. He's got the power. He's got the power. And then he disappears. He's got the power. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- I guess so. To be fair. To be fair. The town has the ambulances. Yeah, but they're not going to write there. Listen, just because the court system is too sweet in this town, the ambulance, so he's disappeared. And so now Jonathan's on the fucking case. Why is he allowed to wander? He's allowed to wander wherever he pleases. If you're in college and a football man, you are practically a detective. That's, I mean, I met Larry Fitzgerald once. Exactly.

And he didn't do any detecting, but he did go upstairs with the woman immediately. Just Larry Fitzgerald allegedly fucks. Yeah. So, so, but Jonathan goes in and he, he goes to find Horace Baker, but he can't find him. And then he finds him cause Horace Baker's hiding behind a door. He was, I thought he was propped up in a corner. I did not understand this at all.

He was hiding behind a door and then his corpse falls over. Yeah. I don't think he was hiding behind the door. I think someone had, whatever, fuck it. Honestly, fuck, I don't even care. I don't care, I don't care. He falls and smokes and bursts into flame and then his jumpsuits empty. Why were there no guards looking for him?

Why what? Why were there no guards looking for him? Oh, because they had all died. Every last one. Killed them all. He's a murder man. Yeah. Oh, and then why? I haven't heard this is that chair really kicks ass, but I have no idea what the fuck I was talking about.

I also have that chair really kicks ass. So someone must've said it. So it must've been a line in this movie, but I just read that like, no idea what that fucking means. That's an old sharing a brain thing that we do. Yeah, that chair really kicks ass. Someone must have said it. Someone must have said it, because I don't think we would write that in tandem. So the warden's like, you got to take this doctor to the hospital, put it in your police

car and take her to the hospital. Yeah. But Katie, she's not the doctor anymore. No. She's got electric pinker inside her. She's got electric pinker. So she pops up in the backseat and says, just feel like a little head sport and rips one of the cops heads off and then licks the other guy into driving into a conveniently placed oil tanker. Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. What? And then she says two in the stinker into a conveniently placed oil tanker? Uh huh. Okay.

Yeah. What? And then she says two in the stinker, one of the pinker. She does. I wish she wouldn't. Wait, isn't his name Horace Pinker? I wish that was the name of the tagline of this movie. My god.

Do you think that was a Wes Craven nod to vaginas? To surprising pinkies? Surprising pinkies. Surprising pinkies. Oh, it's so dumb. So the tanker goes up in flames and Jonathan somehow gets there with his dad. And he's like, I gotta go. And his dad's like, not unless you have an asbestos ass. What?

What? What? You? What? You know, cause it's fire. They just start yelling at each other. Every opportunity that Don gets to yell at his foster son in public he takes. I have to confess something to you. This movie was challenging me to pay attention to it

at this point. My notes are all over the place, Alan. You want to skip ahead like five to six scenes? Well, I might. The cop thrown free from the accident cut to he has a water bed. That's my next note. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Also Rhino was there. When did he get there? I don't know. You know, if your buddy gets hurt, you're immediately there. You just find yourself teleported and blink. So we get a scene on his waterbed where his dead girlfriend's in the shower and she comes out and talks to him. And then he

wakes up from the dream, but he's got the heart shape, a necklace. Yes. He, which we saw her being buried with. Yes. Uh, and she says to him, he's learning how to move soon. He'll be uncatchable, which is fucking nonsense. You got to catch them all Pokemon. which is fucking nonsense. You gotta catch them all, Pokemon told you that. Yeah, she gives him the necklace and says, it'll drive him out and keep him away. Their love. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Uh, uh, uh, uh. Katie, that's how love works. Is it? Yeah, that's why Jane Seymour made those necklaces. What's love got to do? I'm waiting for you to finish it, I don't know. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

I like that little ethnic beat you did there. A little trill. A little trill on it. So the police are at the door, the phone is ringing, the answering machine message is about the cop at the door because of course, and also his head is very wobbly for no reason. For no reason, he's inhabited with an electricity demon.

Okay. Calm down, little John. The cop tries to shoot him through the door, so he runs out into the open like he would. Bulls can hit you if you have nothing blocking. If you were in a public park. As a football star, I'd expect Jonathan to be able to get farther away. Or at least zig and zag. Zig and zag a bit. As a football star, I'd expect Jonathan to be able to get farther away. He has a standoff with the cop who is Pinker now. He's like running out of gas Pinker.

You should have picked a better body. And then the cop just throws the gun at him. How dare you say that to that poor man? It was very funny. The body collapses and then begs for help. And this kid runs up to him. The cop's name is Pastore. Pastore, yeah. And this kid runs up to him and he takes the kid's body.

This is Wes Craven's kid. Oh, is it? Okay. And he says, I didn't do anything. And then the cop shoots him in the back, which is a bit odd becauseven's kid. Oh, is it? Yep, this guy. All right, all right. And he says, I didn't do anything. And then the cop shoots him in the back, which is a bit odd because he's white. She's making a coaching point. There's a child and a bunch of waterfowl for no reason. You talking about my girl, Amanda?

This lady lost her damn kid. Fuck you. Oh yeah, she's right over there, lady, hey! Oh my God. The child spits on him and then limps away to a backhoe. My God, this is fucking funny. This child is the peak of the film. She says, come on, you fucker, move. She's driving a backhoe.

This child is so good. Jonathan has been shot in the shoulder, but is running with both arms, just swinging at ease. I don't understand that. Is that football training? Dozens of shots have been fired in this public park. Yes. Do you think the police are going to come help? No. No.

But you know what does help? What? He uses Amanda's or Alison's necklace to drive the horse banker out of Amanda. Right. He's chasing this child. His mother is then chasing him. I've been shaking her. Terrified.

But the child says, I'll rip your lungs out. You son of a bitch. So during this is when I sent you a picture last night of a gentleman playing a guitar shape like a machine gun. His name is Kane Roberts. Kane Roberts. Yes. He was in Alice Cooper's band in the eighties. Yep. I don't know if he's a good guitar player. He looks like shit.

He, how dare you. He looks like Rambo. He looks like Rambo if Rambo were let a missing link more so than Sylvester Stallone is. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Ostrilobithicus Rambo. Exactly. Seriously, Google Cain Roberts y'all while you're out there,

you'll see a picture of a man playing guitar with a sight and a barrel. When you sent me that photo, I stared at it for a long time because I thought, is that a guitar or is it a gun? It's a guitar. It's a guitar. With just the text, this man is in shock. Oh my God. He sure fucking is. Oh, both guy man dude and Kane Roberts. So, Oh my God. Fucking heroes of the era.

and Kane Roberts. So, Oh my God. Fucking heroes of the era. Kane Roberts is like trying to like stop Jonathan from beating up on this kid. He's trying to help the lady. Yeah. And then when he gets, when Pinker gets out of the kid, he jumps into mom and then he jumps into Kane Roberts, the construction worker. Kane Roberts is super buff too. When we say he looks like Rambo, he looks like late stage, because it's the best of Stallone Rambo. He's juiced to the gills.

He's not like first blood where he just looks like a human being. Yeah. Sad human being. Yeah. He's like HGH Rambo. And so now the, he has to fight Cain Roberts. I guess Cain Roberts is like hiding under the bleachers at one point when he goes to talk to his high school or his college football friends. Oh, right. Oh, right. Because the coach says, what, he just jumps in and out of people like the goddamn clap or something to which I

wrote, lol. Jonathan is explaining the weird mythology of Horace Pinker and his ability to jump from person to person, which, okay, at this point in the movie, we're like maybe 40 minutes into an hour and 45 minute film. Yeah. Yeah. And it's making sense. He became an electricity monster and he can jump from person to person, the way electricity, you know, people are conductors of electricity. This is where it all fucking falls apart. I do like that he tells his friend that he loves him. Right, I know. Yeah, which I appreciate it.

Tell your friends you love him. Tell your friends you love him. And he's like, I gotta run home and get my Swimmies. Yeah, I need my diving mask, which when we see it is a pair of lab goggles. But he can't go back to his house because his girlfriend was murdered there. So he sends the coach and Pac-Man.

Yeah, as you would do. As you would do. The two most used. Also, I like the coach's idea that the clap goes in and out. Only with antibiotics, my dude. So the coach is an hour and a half late to meet them at the lake because, Oh, because, uh, Kane Roberts threw the necklace into the lake and the necklace is the only thing

that can defeat. That's what he put on the pickaxe that he threw in. Could not for the drunk ass life in me figure out why he had to go get that pickaxe. It did not make a lick of fucking sense to me. This movie was like inexplicable. Thank you so much for unlocking that key. So I found it hard to believe later that he found the necklace, but now I recall it was wrapped around a pickaxe, which is probably easier to find. All right. All right. All right.

If there's anything we know about Cain Roberts, he's going to make it easy for you to find that. Got to wrap it around a pickaxe. So the coach is an hour and a half late to meet them. And Jonathan assumes that he has stood them up. Not that Horace Pinker has gotten him. Why would you not assume he's dead? Who can say?

I don't know. Why does Jonathan's apartment, which he's moving out of because his girlfriend has died, and maybe his whole family, and maybe it's his family home, who knows? It's not, which he's moving out of because his girlfriend has died. Right. And maybe his whole family and maybe it's his family home. It's not, but carry on. Why does his apartment as he is boxing everything up, look like a fucking shoday video? It does. There were just white linen draped on every surface in this apartment.

It's one of those, this movies that presupposes when you're moving, you have to cover everything in sheets. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? You're just going to carry it out. You're're gonna carry a 40 inch tube TV with five friends. What are they doing for like pizza and a couple of Bud lights, you know? We didn't even drink then. Oh, gross. So he gets there and it says, stop him, Jonathan,

please in pretty lady handwriting blood on the mirror and the shower is running. Pretty lady, please in pretty lady handwriting blood on the mirror and the showers run pretty lady handwriting blood, pretty lady handwriting blood. That's what I've written right here. You know what the fucking school systems don't even teach pretty lady handwriting blood to the kids anymore. How they gonna sign checks that probably don't even exist anymore. The thing about this is that the shower is always running. So I'm thinking like, was it supposed to be written in steam?

And then you wrote it in pretty lady handwriting steam and it just wasn't as good. I don't know. Is this when we get fucking ghost Allison? I cannot stand ghost Allison. I want to flush her down a toilet. She fucks. He definitely fucks that ghost.

I cannot do any more ghost fucking movies. You haven't done any yet. Really? We've only talked about them. I feel like we, oh God, help me. Well, I did this one. This is the ghost fucking movie. It's not even started Christmas.

I can't, Alan. So there's a hole in the bathroom door and Mitch Pellegi's face appears in it. He says, no more, Mr. Nice guy. Was that the Shining? Was that at the Shining? Was that a reference to the Shining? The Shining is Hello Johnny. I know, but it's like the same, he's doing,

it's the same shot of the hole in the bathroom door with his face saying like a quippy pop culture reference, right? But he's also like, he's also like made of TV pixels at this point too. This is, I can't, this is uncomfortable of you, Wes Craven. I mean everything that happens from this moment on is the stupidest fucking thing you've ever heard.

Alison's ghost shows up to try to talk the coach into having willpower and Jonathan is like, coach, it's like you say, everything is a matter of will. Like will was about him talking about like running sprints, not demonic possession. Yeah, but the coaches like given side, I like, hey, I can get out of here. He doesn't, he stabbed himself. But would that not kill Pinker? Because that was the whole fucking thing that Jonathan just explained in the previous scene. Yes, but you're assuming that Jonathan knew fuck about shit. He doesn't know dick about anything.

Clearly he doesn't because none of it makes any sense. No, no. And then- I wouldn't trust Jonathan with any kind of knowledge-based rules. No, I wouldn't let him feed a goldfish, you know what I mean? So Allison yells, go back to hell where you belong, Pinker,

and then hits him with the Care Bear tummy light? What? The Care Bear stare? Is that what it's called? Yeah. I mean, you get on my shit for making references for the youth. Yeah, but you remember Care Bear stare, don't you? Of course I do. Well, there you have it. Watch the fuck out of the Care Bears. Pinker's doing this motivational like goddamn little blue engine, I think I can, I think I can, going up and over the mountains so that the good boys and girls will have toys to play with and food to eat. Is that something somebody says in this movie? He keeps going, I think I can, I think I can, but it's just a reference to the engine that could. Yeah. Come on, fucking guy.

to the engine that could. Yeah. Come on fucking guy. So cops show up. Sam Raimi's dead or Ted Raimi's dead. Sam Raimi very much alive. Ted Raimi's dead. Ted Raimi also still alive. Not according to this movie.

Coach is dead. Cops show up. And dad cop is immediately like, I'm sorry, fostered. It's not my real son. Okay. I didn't skeet him. No. dad cop is immediately like, I'm sorry, foster dad cop. It's not my real son, okay? I didn't skeet him. No. And it all took anybody to make that kid.

Did not come from my dick. I thought you were gonna ring the titty bell. Stretching out my leg. And the foster dad's like, hey, you know I've got to arrest you, right? And Jonathan's like, mm-hmm. And the cop has to read him. Oh my god.

Fucking memorize them, chief. It's your first day on the force. And I was like, I'm pretty sure at this point in my life, I know the Miranda rights better than I know the Pledge of Fucking Allegiance. I could absolutely Mirandize a suspect. And also, if this is your first day on the force, this is a weird one, because there's

two very bloody bodies on the floor of this home a weird one because there's two very bloody bodies on the floor of this home. I'm pretty sure I can Mirandize people in both American and British. How does the British one start? It's a little different. Oh, fuck. We're not British, who cares?

But it's definitely like, anything you say can be used against you and blubbity blibbity. Sure, it's the whole blubbity blibbity. Fucking, you get your rights. But also, if this is your job, dude, memorize this shit. And also, the dad foster cop says to Jonathan that Pastore's body was found and he was dead, but he didn't have a mark on him. And I was like, but he had a lot of marks on him. So much so that he was previously hospitalized.

Remember that? But Katie. What? Do you know why dad said that? No. Cause he's got horse pinker inside him. Already? Yeah, he's doing the link, the limp,

the dragging his leg. Oh, all right, if you say so. And that's why Jonathan realizes it makes a run for it before he gets fully arrested. Oh yeah, you're right. Rhino breaks, no, he gets fully arrested and then Rhino breaks the cop car window and pulls him out. And all the cops surround him and I was like,

please don't shoot an unarmed black kid. Like I can't with that right now. Oh no, we didn't start doing that to the 2010s. Yeah, they don't shoot Rhino. People don't say eat shit and die enough anymore. Not nearly enough. No. Or the classic eat shit and live.

Eat shit and live. Don's shooting in his own kid. We get the slowest chase scene ever. Somehow there's still 30 minutes left in this movie, and I could not have fucking predicted what was to come. My note, why does this movie feel like it's three hours long? Because it never ends. Vendors film at this point for all you vendors and it's out there.

Nah. I am, I still have so many notes. I can't do this. This episode is going to be two hours on a shit ass movie. They go trespassing in a substation. There's a TV crew that shows up at his house. Oh my God. Rhino and the rest of the whole fucking junior college football team are going to handle this.

The football boys, the one football boys like, we can't break in here. And the other guy's just like pick the lock. And the guy's like, okay. And pulls out a lockpick set from his pocket. He says it's locked and Rhino says, pick it. And he says, that's a felony. And Rhino says, no, that's a lock, pick it.

Which really made me laugh, cause I wrote, marry me Rhino. And then, Jonathan goes to find his love in a lake, but he didn't bring the goggles, so okay. But he came up with that necklace in the dark. Two tries is all it takes. So fucking dumb.

And then for some reason she's a wet ghost. Alison, I love you girl, but get a goddamn life. Katie, she's dead. Well, get an afterlife. I have another that just says ghost fucker. So he's in bed and the TV moves across the room and now pinkers on the screen because of things and also stuff fucker. So he's in bed and the TV moves across the room and now Pinker's on the screen because of things and also stuff.

Yeah. Electricity. Allison's there again and he says, you're not alive, Allison. And she goes, so I'm here. Fuck that girlfriend dead or alive. But he won't get the chance because Pinker will stumble out of the TV. This is the TV that's playing Timothy Leary as a televangelist on it.

That's correct, yes. He's doing a great job. I like him a lot. Great actor. A lot of fun anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

So we get a scene where a chair turns into horse pinker. This is also very Freddy Krueger, I feel. Yeah, for sure. And he says, let's take a ride in my Volkswagen. Sorry, can you hit that harder, please? My mouth's a bit dry, let me get some mango. Let's take a ride in my Volt-swag-en. Hold on.

Electrical Freddy. Nightmare on Elm Street one and ha ha. Electrical Freddy. Nightmare on Elm Street one and a half electrical Freddy. Ha ha ha ha ha. And then they leap into the fucking TV. Did that happen in Nightmare on Elm Street? I feel like there was in and outs of TVs there. Oh for sure. There had to have been with like,

welcome to primetime bitches. Yeah, you're right. They're running through various television programs. There's a documentary, an episode of Leave It to Beaver, Alice Cooper's here. They break up a news broadcast, call the fucking police. Are you even making a horror movie in 1987 to 1989 if Alice Cooper doesn't appear at some point?

Great question. They run through Frankenstein and they tell Dr. Frankenstein to die on 9-1-1. It's all a bit Bill and Ted for me. It's a goofier tone than the rest of the movie has had. It's a 180. Yeah. Because the beginning of this movie

is about families being murdered and a person dreaming the serial killer, which is dark and gritty. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, I mean, I think that's the plot of seven. And, and so then they, they jumped back into Jonathan's bedroom after Jonathan pauses him. First, I know when they jump into the bedroom, that's when Jonathan pauses. I'm sorry. But first, I need to talk about them going into that lady's house where she has wallpaper everywhere

and a massive portrait of an orange kitten. Yeah. I just want to say that. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is this? Wes Craven, did you take nitrous the day you wrote these pages of the script? This movie was entirely improvised.

It is. What is happening? It's like, what is happening? So Jonathan takes the fucking remote control and pauses Horace Pinker. And I think Pinker says showtime, which is also very Freddy. Because as you know, with any electricity,

if you aim a remote at it, it stops. It doesn't make sense. He says, Jonathan says to him, you bought into TV. Now you're bound by its rules. Oh yeah. That makes sense. There's a rewinding sound also every time he controls them with the remote. Yeah. When he makes them start doing silly things, he makes him jump on the bed and he's freezing in the air and Mitch Pileggi just keeps saying, what the fuck, which was also what I was saying.

And then Mitch Pileggi just keeps saying, what the fuck? Which was also what I was saying. And then Mitch Pileggi. Are we just going to keep fighting about how to say his last name really passive aggressively? Mitch Pileggi is going to try to run back into the TV, but Jonathan pulls the plug on the TV. So therefore he just runs head first into the glass of the television. Sparks fly when he gets punched. Jonathan puts the necklace on him. No, he puts it of the television. Sparks fly when he gets punched. Jonathan puts the necklace on him.

No, he puts it on the camera. On the camera. And then jumps into the lens, which would just knock the whole fucking thing over. But how? And horse pinker explodes. The camera breaks and Pinker just dissipates. So which we get my final note.

Wait, wait, wait. The power goes out. There's a fire in the TV box. And Pinker is telling him never to turn the TV on ever again, just like doing this monologue about how if he turns the TV on, he's going to get him. And then Jonathan blows smoke off the remote like you would a gun. All the neighbors are stoked to the power went out, which is not generally my

experience. Go on. What a goofy fucking movie. What a waste of an hour and 45 minutes of my life. Truly, truly. This was rat's ass. This is one of those movies from my time period. Yeah. 1989.

Sure. 14 years old. Prime time, show time. Show time. Prime time, bitch. Welcome to it. Where like there's a lot of movies, spookies for example. Demon Knight. I was thinking about Demon Night the other day and that fucking opening

cartoon sequence. Absolutely. God damn gorgeous. It's so good. I haven't seen it in a long time. Things I, I was sad that I didn't see at that time period. This movie, not at all. Totally glad I missed out on this movie. What a fucking shit show. Oh my, I, I feel like something went terribly wrong halfway through the writing of this film. Yeah. Yeah. Like it had to have been like, this isn't good enough for a nightmarin elm street movie. Right. It's I'm telling you, it was everything you swept up off the floor. Yeah. Fuck it. This is a one for me. I thought this was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. What about you?

for me. I thought this was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? Uh, I'm going to give it like a, uh, no tube television. Great. Yeah. I'm just going to give it a useless thing that you can't do anything with sitting in your basement because the city won't even come pick it up. And maybe had I seen this when I was 14, it would have hit differently for me. I hope not. And I would have been like fucking Alice Cooper. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking guy, man dudes in this Kane Roberts. But no, no, it's bad. It's bad. You know what is good? What a letter for Patron. All right. Well, by letter, I mean, you know, no, no, no, no email. I mean, direct message. This is from

Callen. Hi, Callen. He says, Hey, Katie and Alan, Not sure if this is the right place, but you can call me Callen. Of course we can call you Callen. That's your fucking name. I was introduced to the podcast by Marvel and Marvel's Marvels. What's his name? And I couldn't get enough of Allen. I just can't get enough. I just can't see you too.

You guys introduced me to horror movies and I am proud, question mark to say I've been listening for over a third of my life at this point. Wait. Keep up the fantastic work. I can't breathe? Is Callan six? I can't breathe.

So if Callan got into us at the very beginning, but that's not when marveling started. No, it was like two years into this. So Callan is, I guess, no older than 24. Callan, are we your parents? Callan, am I your mom? Am I your foster dad? You're not. You didn't come out Alan's dick. Thank you so much for your continued listening.

Thank you for growing up with us, my God. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your monetary support. Oh, Jesus fuck, Callan. I, it's rare that my breath is actually taken away. Boggles my mind that anyone couldn't get enough of me because I sure have. Oh, I can't get enough. Just can't get enough.

I just can't get enough. I think I can't get enough so much that we should do this again next week. Oh, I like that idea. And I also like the idea of the the the crossroads, the beautiful culmination of the, the, the crossroads, the beautiful culmination of a thing that you want to do and a thing the fans want to do. I don't know if they want to do it just because I've said I want to do it so much, but I don't care. We got three votes for it. Yeah. So the patrons are picking the next week's movie and they just fucking picked it. Yeah. What is it Alan? Uh, innocent blood. It's innocent blood. It's a vampire movie that's set and takes place in Pittsburgh and it's filmed in

Pittsburgh. And it's like when Pittsburgh was super duper seedy and gross. And also you can see, Oh, don't tell them that. Well, I told you that. And also my address is you can bleep that just bleep over it. We got to wrap this up. I need to be done. I have to pee so bad. I know I always have to pee at the end of these, but you give me these huge mangoes

and then you make me sit in this chair for over an hour. All I have to do is read the Magna Carta as we do at the end of every episode and then we'll be ready to go. I saw the Magna Carta in London. I wish I'd felt more. I was kind of like, yeah, it's old, I guess. Thank you so much for listening

to another episode of Wearwolf Ambulance. No one should love me. That is fucking not true. Bye. Clear. Empty. Empty. So empty.

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