Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 504- It's a Wonderful Knife (2023)

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

In this week's episode, it's our 11th annual Christmas spectacular with the 2023 horror/comedy "It's a Wonderful Knife." Will we find the holiday spirit in Justin Long's big honkin veneers? You'll have to listen to find out! We hope you and yours are having a happy holiday season yourselves, but if you're not, please reach out for help. You can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 anytime, day or night. Take care of yourselves and look out for each other. We love all yinz.

The How are you? I'm holiday. How are you? Ooh, I'm really, I've really got the holiday spirit. The holidays are running through you, like gas station sushi. Veins filled with broken candy cans. Oh no. Well, your vinyl sounds great. Oh, thanks. Tell the people about your vinyl again.

Oh, we got the test presses for the elder tennis set LP and it sounds really good. It was on when I came in and I thought, Oh no, Alan's jerking off in the mirror. And then I was like, Oh, it sounds great. I was making Missy listen to it because she would listen to it with a critical ear because she wouldn't just say, Oh, that's great. Like she would go, Oh God, you're so emotional. So sensitive. Can't wait for that to come out. I'm very excited for it. I'm stoked for people to hear it. Proud of you. In the meantime, they can listen to you on Spotify, right? Oh yeah, yeah. Aldrich Anisett all over Spotify, Apple Music, wherever you

get musics. Aldrich Anisett. I'm riding those coattails. He's my best friend. I'm pretty sure it's going to be Alan ambulance, formally of the band. That's not what we're here to talk about this week. We're here to talk about a holiday. It's a holiday. It's a holiday movie. It's our annual holiday movie. Number 11. Wow.

That's fucked up. It's a holiday movie that was an idea followed up with, I don't know. Yeah, for the most part. It's a wonderful knife. It's a wonderful knife. I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life and promise you I never will. I don't like that for you because it's a really good movie.

It seems real sappy. Yeah. No, I don't do that. I don't like that. No, fuck that. I do a horror movie podcast. With an emo man. It's true.

You're also my emoest friend. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're, you're O. emoest friend. Oh man, yeah. Yeah. Well, you're OG. Oh yeah, I was there in the beginning. You were there in the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was back in the day. Oh. So this is a movie directed by the same guy who directed Five Nights at Freddy's. And the writer of Freaky. Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah. I thought this movie was very cute and clever in terms of the writing.

Sure, until it's not. Well, yeah. But it gets to one point you're just like, really, all right, I guess. I might disagree with you on this, we'll talk about it. Oh, this director, Tyler McIntyre, was born on the exact same day as me.

Oh. Blovember, 20 hundredth. That's right. 1934. That's a, is it you? Are you the director of this movie? I don't know. Do I look like this guy?

No, no. No. Okay. So this movie opens with Justin Long. Yeah. Our favorite hated actor on the show, I would say. Wearing not only a wig, but fake eyeballs. His eyes are so weird. They're so upsetting. So disconcerting. Why is it like, is it just all the horror movies that have made blue eyeballs for zombies that

make them look weird? Maybe when you're wearing those blue contacts. And I think you just looked at Justin Long's face for long enough to know that he has dark eyes. Yeah. That when you see him with blue eyes, you're like, And he doesn't have a legit picket fence of teeth. Those veneers are so fucking funny. They are so fucking funny. He just looks like an influencer. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what his brother is. Buck. I like Buck. I like Buck too. They are, uh, he's Henry Waters. And at this point he's what to the town? He seems to be a, what would the term for what? He's like a real team magnate who's trying to put in

like a mall and a living space. Okay. Basically what's happened to the neighborhood I live in. Oh, real estate developers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, when I worked in community development, we had a phrase of NTTD, which is never trust the developer. Okay, yes, yeah, Yeah. That's a,

that's a hard yes for Justin Long and his giant, giant teeth. A person who works for him is Joel McHale who has two teenage children, which I found to be very unbelievable, even though he's certainly of an age to have two teenage children. It's just like, why would this man have kids? He has no love in his heart. Every time he's on screen, I'm just like, how do I get my hair that thick? Yeah. He's a good looking man. His hair is so thick. Yeah. He's really handsome. I'm stuck in his hair and you're like,

that's what he's very handsome. I mean what I'm saying is wood. I've seen the rest of his head. It's also very handsome. But then he talks and you're like, yeah, but he's also like, he's scrunching himself down the entire movie because he is seven feet taller than everybody else. He's in a scene with including his teenage children. Cause why he has fucking, I just don't cast him as a dad. I don't know. I also don't believe that his son is a teenager. No, he's in his thirties. Here's the thing I like about his son, Jimmy Carruthers.

He is a teenager. He is wearing a, we learned that he's the school's quarterback. He's wearing a varsity jacket, but the back of the jacket just says Carruthers. It doesn't have the school's name. It's his name. That's very funny. I also like that he's queer and this movie exists in a world without homophobia and I'm pretty into it. Yeah. There's a lot of just regular ass gay people in this. Yeah, it's great. Including Jimmy Crowther's aunt.

Yeah, Catherine Isabel. Love that Catherine Isabel. She's one of our patron saints. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The older she's getting, she looks more and more like Cassandra Peterson, like just in the face. Yeah, she really does. And she also just feels like she smokes all the time. Yeah, for sure. I love that for her. You could bum a parliament off her without a question.

That was my brand for a while. You gotta love that recess filter. It's obviously healthier. It's class. It's class is what it is. And it's also that like, you can buy Parliament 100s for the same price as parliaments. Sure.

So you're just getting extra cigar, like why do you not get extra cigarette? Yeah, who doesn't want to be done smoking but still have a lot more cigarette? It depends on when you're done, Alan. Depends on when you're done. So we learned that Justin Long is trying to take like this historic house in the town.

It's the last thing standing. It's Stuart Little's house. It's the last house standing in his way before he can put up his mall housing project. Who lives there? I thought Katie's gonna be very stoked about this. I wrote smoking man, it's smoking man, it's the fucking smoking man all in caps.

I went to caps for that. I went all lowercase, it's the smoking man, exclamation point. All right, smoking man looks bad. I know he's an old man. And a smoker. And has really did all that smoking. That wasn't stunt smoking.

That you know, right there I was like, I'm going to quit forever. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's time. You eventually like turn into leather when you smoke for too long. Man. Yeah. I'm too cute to turn into leather.

That's true. That's true. Um, so yeah, he, he won't give it up. And so they're going to, uh to Joel McHale and Justin Long, Papa Carruthers and Justin Long. Right, on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve, because he always wears on Christmas Eve.

Yeah, they took him from his family. His wife is on some drugs. Loot? No, she's up. She's like, she's really like, hi, and I am the wife of the family, which also makes me the mother of these children. But she also felt disconnected from everything around her,

which is why I said Lou. She's got a I'm on leave it to be-ver vibe, so maybe that's why you think that. Yeah. But also this has a Scrooge vibe, because he's making a work on Christmas Eve. You're right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So they go to Roger's house and he won't sign and he's like, fuck you, I won't do what you tell me. I missed everything he said because it was the smoking man and I was too busy writing, you can't play the game if you aren't holding any cards, Mr. Mulder. Did you put an X on your window and tape? I should.

I gotta get an informant. It's true. Just like a hot goss friend, you know? What was the, what was the informant's name? X. X. Yeah. The second one was X. The first one was deep throat. That's right. Right. Yeah.

X is going to give it to you. Oh, oh. And by that he means government secrets. Government secrets on the park bench. I have an X-mile so much. I might restart the series today. Every time I go back to it and I'm like halfway through season three, I was like, this isn't fun anymore. You got to pick and choose at some point. Sure.

Yeah. I don't like the overarching story. I know you don't. I know you don't. Movie of the week. Movie of the week. So yeah, so they go, he won't do it. The granddaughter's there. She's like, is everything okay, grandfather? Right. And we learned that Henry's dad was good and Henry is bad. And Henry's dad was good to David. Which you think is might come up later, it doesn't.

No, no. And the smoking man says that David should have gotten the company. Right, the realty company. He was more of a son to your father than you ever were. Yeah, I was like, who are you to say that? I don't know, but he, Justin Long spends this entire movie being indignant as like a one setting.

And it's actually very funny. He had like small town Trump vibes. Yeah, baby Trump. So the granddaughter is going to go pick up our star of the movie, Winnie Carothers. Winnie Carothers. Uh, and they're going to go to a party and party fucking hard. I mean, how I can't imagine getting a bunch of teenagers together on Christmas Eve would go fine. You know, like would be a good idea. Something's burning down. Yes It's only when he can't say fuck she's literally that wholesome. Yes. Yeah. She's so sweet Yeah, just a sweet sweet little lady. She will never say fuck for this entire movie. Yeah

So someone is now knocking on smokyy Man's door. Yeah, yeah. He thinks it's Henry. It's not. It's a snowman. It's a snowman. The angel has come to visit him. Yeah, inside the snowman. Oh, the snowman.

That's right. That's right. It's the snowman. And then the guy jumps out of the snowman. Yeah, he bursts through it. It's like a weird white robed faced figure who just slits smoking man's throat. I wouldn't smoke to come out. Oh God. Do you think he's like, no, I'm not going to do smoking man. Probably. I feel like tobacco should have just come out of him. I forgot about the, uh, the snowman.

I thought it was very funny. It was very funny. And again, I thought back to freaky, like I really enjoyed freaky, but then I was like, Oh no, you was very funny. And again, I thought back to freaky. Like I really enjoyed freaky, but then I was like, Oh no, you did it again. Freaky was like a twist on freaky Friday. And this is a twist on it's a wonderful life. You just do twist movies. It's not like an M night Shyamalan twist. Yeah. No, no, I understand that. Yeah. At least it's a, it's fun. I feel like it's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Having not seen either freaky Friday or it's a one of life. That's the problem. You've never seen the source material.

These are new for me. Have you seen the one with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis? Really? I thought that would have been like right in your wheelhouse. I saw the movie vice versa with Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold. Of course, of course. Which I think is the same movie. Same concept. Yeah. It has the heavy metal band Malice in it, if I remember correctly.

Yeah, I think you might be right about that. Why would I know? Ha ha ha. It's always a good trope, the freaky movie. Yeah, for sure. So yeah, he's dead now. So we cut to Winnie at the party talking to her other high school friends.

It's just her and Kara, who is Smokey Man's granddaughter. Just gals being chicks until Darla shows up and Darla sucks. Let's go be girls. Let's go be girls. I have not used that because I forgot. Katie. I will do it this entire holiday season. Let's go be girls.

Let's go be girls. I will do it this entire holiday season. Let's go be girls. Let's go be girls. Why can't I switch places with Parker Posey? Why do I have to be me? Why can't I be her? No, it's a good cure song. Why can't I be you?

Yeah. I really think we need to get you a cure Christmas album. I know it doesn't exist, but maybe AI can make it happen. Ellen Iverson, why would he do that? Maybe he gets the holidays too. Winnie is waving to this girl across the room. Yeah. A very beautiful girl that nobody likes. She's the weirdo. Yeah. They call her weirdo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Darla who's like the, uh, I don't know, alpha of females at this party. I was going to say Ariana Grande, but I don't know if that's right. No one was carrying her. So good. I haven't seen wicked yet. So no, I don't say yet. I'm not going to see wicked. What songs? You don't think your daughter's going to want to see wicked? She has been told that it's three hours long and she was like, Ew. I was like, that's my baby.

Love that. So then there's some folks making out outside of the party. It's a Jimmy the brother. Oh, that's right, that's right. And a boy that he has just picked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are Jimmy and Winnie twins? I don't know. They're very touchy feely with each other.

I feel like if they were twins, they would have mentioned it, cause like vegans. Oh, you do crossfit? That's right, he's outside and it's the killer snapping twigs and, and, and, and mowing people down. Yeah. And he, he, they do not see him at this point. They just hear him. Yeah. Right. So Kara meets up with her boyfriend,

Eddie, who is approximately 11 years old. And I am here for it. Looks like an absolute nerd. Can you tell me that Eddie and Jimmy are peers? I wanted someone to roll up and be like, Carrie, you got to drop the zero, get with a hero. Seriously. And all of a sudden they're, they're kissing. And all of a sudden she goes, Ooh, what did you eat? What is it?

It's a candy cane that got stabbed through the back of his head and I fucking loved this. It's so good. It's like a giant candy cane outdoor decoration that has gone through the back of his head. If you're gonna do Christmas, do Christmas. Do fucking Christmas. Like that Anne on the Apocalypse movie that we did. Oh yeah, eh, songs. You know how I get about songs. You love music though.

I love music and I love movies and I think that they should kind of stay separate. Yeah. As a musician, I figured you would love musicals. I feel like that's the thing your aunt would say to you. I don't think anyone thinks I'm a musician. Same. I'm not. I'm a guy who hits a guitar. I was in a band called the maxi pads. No one cares. Can I get stabbed through the wrist and then through like up from the below the dock or whatever it is. Oh yeah. He's like stabbing up at her. I like that. Yeah. I was like, why are you doing that though? You were just on the same level. Why are we down there now?

And how'd you get there so quick? He's very fast. He's way faster than he ought to be. I know he's a little guy and all, but he's got them tiny legs. I guess there's not a lot to carry around. It's just a little guy. I guess you're right. It's like when you, um, choose like toad and Mario Kart. Exactly. Okay. All right. All right. Or baby Mario or baby Mario, baby peach, or as I assume everyone does now, baby Luigi. So sad. I have to tell you, I was eating brunch at Nico's last weekend. Have you been to Nico's brunch?

It's real good and real inexpensive. Nico's the smoking bar. It's not a smoking bar anymore. It hasn't been for, it hasn't been since the smoking ban. No, I was in there after the smoking. OK, well, yes, Niko's brunch is fantastic. Oh, I did not know that. Oh, it's so good. Oh, so good.

Only on Sundays. There was a table of like boomer white ladies sitting behind us. And one of them said before they started eating, now we all need to take a moment to thank Luigi. And like, Pie and I looked at each other. And then they were all like, ah, yes. One of them was like, you know, I don't want anyone to get murdered, but,

and Pie and I like picked up our Bloody Marys and clinked them. We were like, yes, nature is healing. Boomer white ladies. That's why it was a wild. I feel like the, what was it yesterday that the, the big photos of yesterday's news were Luigi being escorted and then cops arresting Amazon workers. Oh, I didn't see the cops.

They broke up a strike line in somewhere down South. And it was just like, I feel like this is just like the class awakening of 2024 happening right now. We're like, Oh, but they're not our friends. No, I will take it. This is what we need. I'm here for it. Class war is real. Yeah. Get that shirt out. Get that shirt. People love it. When you wear that shirt with the, what does it say? I have found somewhere to bury the rich or something.

Class war, we found new homes for the rich. New homes for the rich. It's a cemetery. It's a cemetery. It's a cemetery. Anyway, back to class war. Anyway, Kara gets stabbed into the door of the party. Yeah, she's like knocking on the glass

and everyone runs away except for Winnie who runs towards her. She, that's bananas. You run towards your friend. Look, if I'm, you and I are at a party. Yeah, yeah. You're outside. I see you get stabbed 112 times.

Baby, I'm running. Oh, all right. Okay. Complete opposite, I'm running towards you. Why, just let me bleed out, save yourself. No way, I want, eh? You can't save me, Alan. You don't know what I can do. I probably got a tourniquet on me.

You bananas. You can at least like pull out one of your pocket knives and put end of my suffering. No way. I will avenge you. Thanks Alan. But so when he runs outside, she's running, she's now running from the killer who's trying to kill her. Because killers got to kill, and this killer seems to have a particular path they're following of murder.

And then they're like, well, actually, I'm just going to start murdering all these people as well. It's just sometimes they get a little taste for it. Sure, sure, yeah. But as he's following her and he chases her down, uh, her brother tackles the killer. Right. And they sort of tussle and the angels on top of him, he's going to get stabbed. Yeah. But he doesn't because when he gets cables from a generator,

I think like a car battery generator, battery generator and clips him. Yeah. Smokes his ass. Wow. Pretty cool. Yeah, like a car battery generator. A car battery generator. And clips him. Yeah, smokes his ass. Wow. Pretty cool. Yeah, it's pretty great. Yeah, yeah. She pulls off the mask. It's Justin Long.

It's Justin Long. It's Justin Long, which obviously, but all right. Because earlier when Kara is leaving for the party from her grandfather's house, Justin Long says, you be safe now. And then he really does too. No point are they like trying to like, well, we're going to sneak this one in under the radar.

No. You know, I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If they're, you're going to make a bad guy, just make them the bad guy. Yeah. So now it's a year later.

Yep. Christmas time again. Dad and son are running the realty company. The family goes out. She didn't make it into college. She was trying to get into NYU, to which I wrote didn't get to get, didn't get into NYU lady. None of us did. You applied? No, I don't have that kind of money. Kidding me, what am I made of dollar bills?

Am I just a five foot age mountain of dollar bills? Kind of, that's how I view you. Oh, that's great. You know I'm always turning to you, you know I'm always turning to you and saying your money, baby. Oh God, what have you started doing? It's gonna make everyone around us very uncomfortable.

If I just started quoting swingers in 2024. We see that Waters funeral home is shuttered. So he was a property developer and they owned a funeral home? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, sort of eluding to he was trying to take over

the entirety of the town. Ah, gotcha. And now she's looking in the window of Waters' funeral home, who comes up to accost her on the street? It's Buck, whom we've been introduced to earlier as like an influencer. Yeah, moron. Yes, moron.

We were told earlier that he has started an OnlyFans, and as he walks away, he was like, one sec, if you ever wanted to see my dick, Merry Christmas to you. And I was like, that's fucking fantastic. I still need to go back to rethinking my, uh, my only fans idea. What's your only fans idea? I was starting an only fans. I figured that somebody wants to pay me some money.

Oh, sure. Look at this beefcake. I'm sure you could make good money on only fancy. It's apparently the only way people can make money anymore. It's gonna make ends meet somehow. Oh yeah. Yeah. So he threatens to kill her. He threatens to kill her. He says,

your family's really thriving because of what you did, which is like Buck to be fair. But Buck's not smart. It's very American of him. He only looks at the outcome of a situation, not what cost it. Oh, dang. I felt that one. But he does say I should end you. Yeah, which is good. And I was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then there's the Christmas gift exchange. This is wild.

This is supposed to make us like Joel, Mikhail and mom. No. Cause why does this happen? They're not, when we come back, this part I really am just furious with. This felt like studio notes to me where we're like, we're not getting why she's sad. And so they make it like her, like Cinderella level, like family ignorance.

Yeah. So they're, they're all going to open a gift on Christmas Eve and she gets workout clothes from her dad. Yeah, like juicy couture. Yeah. This is like the pink bunny suit from A Christmas Story. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

So they like make her go put it on and come back down, and it's a pink bunny suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like playboy bunny suit. Mm-hmm. And her aunt and her wife are there. Yes. Drinking, hitting the bottle. What is her character like? She's just like, Oh,

you're the point of view character for everybody in this movie. I'm the person that you're going to like. Yeah. And they go outside to get Jimmy's present. What is it? A giant pickup truck. It's the biggest pickup truck I've ever seen. Pick them up truck like that. A hundred thousand dollar pickup truck. It's also a hundred thousand feet long. Yeah. And high. Very high.

Tiny, tiny Jimmy Caruthers. He's got little legs. Yeah. His dad was like, what I can get into it. I can actually step over this. He says my business partner needs to drive in style. And then when the daughter, Winnie, is like, really? The mom says, we got you both something you needed. What? At this point, I was like, wait, when does the fantasy world start from It's a Wonderful Life? I was like, is she in does the fantasy world start from It's a Wonderful

Life? I was like, is she in it now? Because this doesn't make any sense. Yeah, not yet. No. No. Okay. This is kind of what I like when I was alluding to earlier when I was like, I got this idea

for a movie and then, I don't know, we'll work it out as we're going. We'll see what happens. Yeah, it's messy. It feels a little like shoe horny. Like, it's just not, it's messy. It feels a little like chew horny, like a little, like it's just not, it's not smooth. And it doesn't, there's not many characters in this for you to have to pay attention to. And their emotional states are part of the movie.

So like either make us like them or don't, but you can't have it both ways. And she like, with much validity starts lambasting her family. They're like, I watched my best friend die and then I murdered a man last year and nobody talks about it. Nobody. And their parents response was, you should move on from that. I want her to go to therapy and get the support she needs.

I want her to go live with her aunts, her cool lesbian aunts. And they, the right now they felt like when, uh, Dell like is, you know, when, uh, that guy wakes up in demon wind and his friends are all around and then Dell pukes up the yoke of winning goes, oops, like this should be a dream sequence. Yeah, but it isn't. It really happens. Because they were so fucking loving up until this point. Yeah, but it isn't. It really happens. Because they were so fucking loving up until this point. Yeah. Seemed like nice people. Yeah. We got you a fucking, we went to Gabe's

and got you a tracksuit with one of the sleeves sewn shut. All you have to do is seam rip it. And your brother got a giant pickup truck and yeah. And she's saying fuck all the time right now. She's right. Effing and Jeffing all over the place. She's gotten a million texts from her boyfriend, Robbie. And they're angry texts about where she is. And one of her aunts goes, he's intense. That's like not really addressed again later either. So she gets to the party.

There's a woman named Vicky who's eating gummies with an old guy. They're doing like throwing them for a few feet apart, throw it down each other's throats. Candy gummies, weed gummies like that. You really, really shouldn't. You really shouldn't do that. I have a friend who ate a hundred milligrams of gummies and then the next day had to go for a run was still very high. Oh, why are you telling that story? You've told that story on here before. Oh God.

I made such a mistake. I can weed. I'm real good at weed. I'm pro weed. Weed pro. All weed pro. This weird old guy that at this party is definitely younger than me. How does that feel?

Bad. I think legitimately everyone in this film other than the smoking man is younger than me. Weirdo is at the party again. I'm glad someone always tells her about these parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And she, um, she asked Weirdo where Robbie is,

and Weirdo's like, I think he's in the backyard. Yeah. And then someone else was like, no, he's in the laundry room. Yeah. What's in the laundry room? Darla and Robbie going to Pound Town. Going to Pound Town.

Yeah. Winnie's so sad. This has been a terrible day. Yeah. She didn't get into NYU, which they told her on Christmas Eve, which, eh. Her parents about her brother pick up tracking her a tracksuit, which again, eh.

No more I'm describing this movie. I'm really sad that I bought you a tracksuit for Christmas this year. Well, wait, I bought you a sweatshirt before. I love that sweatshirt. They should have gotten her a rocky themed track so she would have been stoked. Yeah, she's not having a great day. She yells at weirdo aka Bernie.

Yeah, because she was trying to protect them. But really she was trying to protect Winnie. Yeah, because she wants to take Winnie to pound town. I appreciate all the gayness in this movie, but I kind of wish these two had just been best buds. I feel like that they didn't need to kiss. That's all. Not because they're gay,

but because they should just be best buds. Yeah, cause they both need a best friend. They both need a best friend. But as the song says, how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? So maybe they got to be friends first. I don't know what point I'm making. Anyway, I just wanted to quote that song because it always makes me laugh.

Yeah, that's funny. Also because I always sing, how can we be lovers if we can't be friends? How can we be lovers if the nightmare never ends? Because that always makes me laugh. That's funny too. Poor Winnie, but she looks great in a hat. She does. She wears a hat so well.

Yeah. She goes out She wears a hat so well. Yeah. She goes out, out of walking around town. Doing an outer monologue. I don't need her to do an outer monologue. I know how she's feeling. Yeah, yeah. And she's feeling sad.

She's like, it would, I would, it would be better if, I guess she has to say it out loud. It's like the Latin, she has to read the Latin out loud to get this to happen. Got to make the wish so that God can hear you. Aka the Northern Lights. I have written here. Is this the plot of it's a wonderful life or what? Kind of.

Of course it is. Fucking stupid. But there is a scene where some angels, maybe God, are like, oh no, George Bailey, what's going on with him? And then they send an angel down from heaven. Fuck this, Alan. It's a good movie. Do you believe in angels? Top 10 funniest things I've ever had in my life.

But that's why later in the movie, they say you're my Clarence. Because Clarence was the angel in it's own life. Okay, I had a note to ask you who Clarence was. Yeah, yeah. But it's not till later, yeah. That is a twist that I really enjoyed as well when we get to that.

Yeah. So yeah, she, and the Northern Lights freak out when she says that she wished she had never been born. Yeah, there's a big Aurora over the town. Yeah. And everything goes dark. Right. And I like this a lot because there's no like, it's just like, yeah, it's cool. Everything has changed.

Yeah. But and what's what's different about this town? Now this guy has a wrench in his eye, so that's different. And the angel killer is there. Yeah. Yeah. Like the angel killer has a signature blade. Tell me about his signature blade. It's a knife, but at the hilt, it's got angel wings for the guards. The town is angel falls. We should have mentioned that, that it's like relevant,

but only just. So he's the angel killer and the angel on top of the tree looks like the angel that's murdering people. Why is that though? Murder angel because Justin Long basically. Yeah. Okay. Remember the movie darkness falls. Was that the one about the teeth? Yeah. So what to bring that shit. Yeah. Stay in the light. That's a movie I remember way better

than a lot of movies we've done. That feels bad. I think it's because it was early on. Like all the early on ones have stuck with me. It's like the middle of what we've done that's gone. That makes sense actually. Cause we tried so hard in the beginning. And then at some point just.

Let me pay attention, let me pay attention. Yeah, I'm gonna rewind that bit. You still do that though. Yeah. I'm going to rewind that bit. You still do that though. And now I'm having a zero screen experience. I have closed my eyes while this movie is playing. Just letting it wash over me. So yeah, there's a guy being killed by the angel. She takes off running through the town. One of the angel falls signs has been changed to demon falls. So it's an alternate reality. Oh yeah. One of the Angel Falls signs has been changed to Demon Falls. So it's an alternate reality. Oh yeah. That's the plot of it. So wonderful life. I'm really stupid. I'm really sorry.

You've never seen the OJ movie. It makes sense. You made it all make sense to yourself. But everyone references it all the time. I should fucking know. Yeah. So she, she calls the cops or gets the cops involved in her. I'm not sure how she does that. And Buck turns up as the sheriff. Yes. And Buck has a underling named Chuck. Yes. That was funny. Buck says that Sheriff Beatty was murdered a year ago. He was victim number five.

And she says, number five, what is this? He's like, Oh, this is 26 or 27. 26 or 27. 26 or 27. Angel strikes every couple of weeks. That was fucking hysterical. So wild. So here comes Justin Long because he's heard that there's a witness. Yeah. They've never had a witness before. And he's hugging her and saying, I'm going to invade your personal space. Yeah. Just gross. That's not, that's not asking permission. No. Uh, yeah, that's just, he's the mayor now. He's the mayor. He's the mayor. His teeth are even teethier. And when he says to him, he was about your height mayor. Yeah. Like a knowing look passes

between them because she tries to tell book who the killer was. Right. And then Justin log pops up as soon as she starts talking. Oh, right. That's right. And then Justin Long pops up as soon as she starts talking. Oh, right. That's right. That's right. She was about to just tell him to. Yeah. Yeah. That's your brother already knows he does. Yeah. Yeah. So wouldn't help anyway. Includes Buck. Oh my God. ACABIB includes Buck. Oh, cops are bastards as bastards. All cops are bastards. In glorious bastards. So she goes home.

Her mom's all wine tanked. Just wine drunk on the couch and dad just mad wandering around. She yells at her child, what are you doing here? I said, leave the pizza. I clicked the button to leave the pizza on the porch. Like the pizza person would just walk inside your house. Without a pizza. Oh, and Gail tells her that her brother is dead.

Yes. She goes to Jimmy's room and it's totally intact. And we see a family portrait of just Jimmy with the parents. She was never born. And in case you're wondering, dad says, I only had one child and that child was murdered. Now I have no children. That broke my fucking heart as a parent of an only child.

It did. But it was also like, no, we got movie. We got it. We got this. You need not say. Yeah. But yeah. So he kicks her out of the house and she's wandering the town again, which is sort of dystopian. Yeah. Well there are signs like Henry Waters, guardian of angel falls. Yeah. And he has built his like Trumpy tower. Yeah.

Also someone has just painted Santa sucks balls with an X. That's good graffiti. It's good shit. Now the, she goes to Robbie's annual party and now the people that were throwing weed gummies in each other's mouths are smoking crank. Yeah. Really enjoying it too. Yeah. That's good crank. Yeah. Really enjoying it. Yeah. That's good crank. I hear it's fun. It's gotta be right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't do it if it wasn't. No, no. Um, bad news guys. Drugs are fun. Sure. Yeah. But they're also like a problem as well. Yeah.

Like crank. Not a good idea. No, no, no, no, no. But no, I'm not, I'm not saying no. I do know. Don't misunderstand to me. I do know plenty of people that have visited with crank. Sure, sure. And been fine on the other side of it, but yeah, so she's, she's now she's talking to weirdo Bernie again at the party.

And, uh. Bernie's very funny in this scene. She's like, oh, first year invisible. And now you fucking know everything. Make up your mind. Everyone should be friends with Bernie. There's no reason people wouldn't be friends with Bernie. It's true. She's a weirdo. Yeah. I guess, I guess she weird because she makes clothes? I literally cannot put a finger on why they think she's weird. Okay. Other than she seems to hang out by herself at parties. And I was like, is that? Oh yeah,

that's right. I am a weirdo. Yeah. So yeah, now the killer shows up at this party, apparently looking for her. I just want to bring up one thing really quickly, which is that she goes outside and there's two men kind of fighting and one of them says, kick me in the junk to the other. And she's like, what are you doing? And he goes, what does it look like bro? He's kicking my ass. And I think the implication is that the town is so sad about all the deaths of

these people that they've taken to just like, they've, they've gone feral. Basically a little bit. Yeah. And it also feels like, it also felt like the internet just came to life in this town. Yeah, it's true. It's like walking through the halls of Reddit. She also says, quit pursing your lips, Vicky, and makes your mouth look like an asshole. So good. And then Vicky's like, my mouth doesn't look like an asshole. So she takes Bernie to stop the killer. They're going to go on some sort of killer stopping rampage.

Right. Vicky sees that the guy she was smoking crank with is now dead and she's sad. Pete, we see his head. Yeah. And they're doing a cool thing with people, dead people's eyes in this movie. Cause when we see Kara dead at the beginning, she's got like one eye looking straight up

and the other one is looking off to the side. Oh, I didn't even notice. And then he has a sort of a similar thing where like one is looking kind of middle distance and the other one is looking down. And I just really liked that. It was very unnerving to me. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's neat. I didn't even notice that. Thanks for pointing that out. Oh my God, you're so welcome. I love to be able to just like, I just like, I feel like I need to walk you through the film experience as a fucking expert that I am.

And that's why I appreciate having you on the bus. I am here for comedic relief and just to be the silly guy. The silly guy. And you're the? I'm the straight man. You're the straight man. You're the straight man. I'm the straight man.

But no, the angels at the window and the door and there's an altercation, you know. Not all of them. I was like, oh, so there's multiple angels. It does feel that way in a scream kind of way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would make sense because this movie has referenced so many other movies up until this point.

Yeah, they're about to run down the street and see that I Know What You Did Last Christmas is playing at the movie theater, to which I thought was like a fantastically solid idea. Yeah. I would love to watch that movie. I would love to make that movie. I don't know how to make a movie. I also have that problem. Yeah. That'd be a great movie. The end. Well. Because getting into making movies seems awful. Like that's not for me. We're idea people, Alan. We're not workers.

We're upper management. None of us has ever said, I'm on to be famous. Oh God, no. Oh God, no. So they go to Bernie's, we see she's a fashion designer, but she also has a murder conspiracy board. She does have a murder conspiracy board. We learned that she's been basically abandoned by her mother after her father left when she was young.

Right, which is sad. Sad. She's all by herself on Christmas, yeah. I do like that when Winnie tells Bernie who the killer is, she goes, oh, actually that makes sense. Yeah. who the killer is, she goes, oh, actually that makes sense. Yeah. Bernie believes that Winnie is from another timeline.

Like she believes her. Yeah. Yeah. Because she doesn't know who she is, yet she has all this information about everybody. Yeah, but I would just think this is a scam. Sure. They're doing that thing where they could do a quick read of you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm getting an I'm getting an N and

Did you have a grandmother? You know, you can just do that. Of course. I had a fucking grandmother. You a sad boy. Are you? Did you cry today? Your eyes are a little bit puffy And she this is what she says to you, will you be my Clarence? Okay. Yes. And that's, and then they go to the theater. I know what you did last Christmas and I even know that says Bernie is nice. Bernie's nice. They're holding hands and snuggling. Yeah. And then she wakes up at the theater and Bernie is upstairs in the balcony doing

something. And she's like, I couldn't sleep. He's not too loud. It was really well delivered. It was like really good time. She's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She has made an like another murder board. If I'm not incorrect here, she's done something where she's like, yeah, I live for this kind of shit. And she's also realized that the Aurora is fading so they don't have much time. That's what it is. She figured out how the Aurora is fading, so they don't have much time. That's what it is.

She figured out how the Aurora caused Winnie to Right. Go into this alternate reality. Because it shouldn't be this far south. It's interesting because they don't bother to explain this at all. Yeah. And I very much appreciate that.

They never tell us where we are. Nope. And living in a time when the Aurora just keeps, seems to be creeping further and further south. That's right. It was over Pittsburgh this year. I saw some photos of it on our Pittsburgh on Reddit. I didn't get to see it IRL unfortunately.

I don't, I didn't. Outside. I don't do outside. Go outside. That's not true. I had to make a tunnel from my front door and then Katie's car links up to it. It's a pneumatic tube. Let's know. Let's call a spade a spade. It's a pneumatic tube. You just go, you're right in my front door.

I love that. No wonder your dogs are always fucking barking at me. Fuck did that nightmare come from? So quick. So quick. But yeah, uh, Bernie has Bernie has just figured all of this shit out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, you have to kill him again before the Aurora disappears. Otherwise you'll be trapped here. And it's just like, you have no way of researching that.

You have no way of knowing that. But you're saying it with total confidence, and I believe you. And then the killer shows the fuck up. Yeah. And I have to say, at this point, they should have realized it wasn't the same person, because the height disparity between Justin Long

and the person it turns out to be is extraordinary. Justin Long isn't over six feet, two inches? No. No? How tall do you think Justin Long is? 5'9". No, I don't think he's that big. It doesn't say.

He's married to Kate Bosworth? I didn't know. Kate Bush? Yeah. Kate Winslet? Forget it. No height on Justin Long? I'll just Google that specifically.

Justin Long height. You know the fucking ads I'm going to get. He is. Are you in defeat? Five, 10. I don't believe that for a second. That's wrestling height. You know what I mean? Justin Long, five ten, four hundred pounds.

Yeah. Well, now I got to know how tall Joel McHale is. I'm going to look up Katie werewolf ambulance height while you do that. Oh shit. Joel McHale's older than I am. He's six inches. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am.

He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am.

He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. He's a little bit taller than I am. I'm going to look up Katie werewolf ambulance height while you do that. Oh shit. Joe McHale is older than I am. He's six foot four. That's pretty tall. Do I look tall? Are you kidding me?

I don't think I look tall because I am me. Wait, you're talking as you Alan? Yeah. You think you don't look tall? He's only two inches tall. Yes, you're a giant. Okay, all right. You fucking weirdo.

I am weirdo. Okay, I Googled Katie werewolf ambulance height. Yeah. It doesn't say. How about feet? I've been taking sneaky pics while we were recording. I gotta make that money. I didn't realize your OnlyFans was my feet. My feet look ratchet right now.

People are into ratchet feet. Let's change the subject. We've really digressed. So she gets attacked. It's the Angel killer. They're able to defeat the angel killer and unmask the angel killer. And who is under the mask? It's her dad. It's her dad. It's her dad. And she's killed her father with a broken mop. Yeah. And or broom. And it's sad because she watches the light go out of her father's eyes. Yeah, this is after she's gone to the house and convinced Aunt Gail that she is a member

of the family by saying that your ass froze to the ground while you were wearing an Aguilarian thong. And I was like, what is an Aguilarian? Oh, it smells like hot dogs. Yeah. And she has these conversations with her parents and her mom is like making out with a guy and asking about Ambien. That is fresh hell. Fresh hell. Like what is this? See,

like this, the alternate universe is so bananas. Yeah. Like it's so far beyond the beyond. There's no way Joel McHale would have stayed in that house. Were her, his wife, fucking multiple dudes downstairs in front of her sister. Right. There's no way her sister would have stayed in that house. I mean, I don't want to say just because someone got murdered,

but like, unfortunately that's a thing that happens. And I don't think this is always the outcome, you know? We also hear that he wants three for six touchdowns in one game. And I was like, like Al Bundy. That was only four, Polk High School. Oh, bunny rules. I don't remember anything about married with children. I just know it like shaped my sense of humor in a very unforgiving way.

Oh, don't diverge again, but I was watching Mystery Science Theater at work today. I just had it like on in the background. And I was like, oh my God, this is the entirety of the way I make jokes. Yeah. You just keep firing in the mountain till something fucking hits.

What, which, which one were you watching? Oh, Final Sacrifice. Rousetour. Oh, gotcha. God damn great movie. Great, fantastic movie. R Sacrifice. Rousetour. Gotcha. God damn great movie. Great, fantastic movie. Rousetour. Rousetour. Hmm.

Maybe I'll watch that tonight if I don't restart the X-Files. It's free on YouTube. Thank you. There's an app on Roku, the Mystery Science thing. It's free. You can just get it. And it has every Mystery Science theater on it. Oh, nice.

Yeah. And a bunch of Rift Track stuff. Oh, awesome. You got just get it and it has every mystery science theater on it. Oh, nice. Yeah. And a bunch of riff track stuff. Oh, awesome. You gotta buy that. I think I love final sacrifice. I love mystery science theater. Yeah, for sure. And it just, it did definitely like I used to come home when I was like 18 and watch MSD three K on comedy central. Yeah. Just hits right. Yeah. So good. All right. Yes. But the angel shows up, stabs her mom. The guy is already dead. Yeah.

Bernie gets cut. And Gale gets stabbed. No, you are so far ahead. Am I? Yeah, so they're upstairs, and they have to crawl over his body. They have to do the, the like sneaky feet over his body to get out the front door. Right, right. And.

Oh, that's right. Cuts Bernie and that, yes, you're right. You're right. You're right. And they have to step over the body. Oh, right. Cause I thought they were going to step over the body to pick up his angel winged knife and stab him. Um, to which I just wrote, get an upstairs weapon. Oh, this is why Alan has weapons all over his house. And I have no memory of writing this, but it says, I'm sorry, my friend, in this, the spirit of giving, I want you to know that I was wrong. Katie, you should know that I've put weapons all over your home. I should know where they are. No, I have a small child.

She knows where they are. That's great. That's good. She'll be the one to save us. Mom, give me the box cutter. What? Oh man. I wish I was a fucking maniac. I'm glad you're not. Yeah, me too. But still, it'd be funny. Yeah, so they have to step over him and they all have great shoes on. The Fantastic Boots. It's a great Boots movie.

And Aunt Gail has these like, they're almost like loafers, but they're like very thick sole white loafers with a buckle on them. They're very cute. Yeah. Um, so she does pick up the knife to stab him. Yes. Um, pulls off the mask. Uh, it's her dad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she says something and he says, I told you I'm not your dad. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. I did skip way ahead with the killing the dad. So they run out into the snow and he runs after them only as far as the door and then closes it like, ah, get them later. Like, hold up. I mean,

I guess I realize now that he buck knows. So it's not like them reporting him is going to do anything. But like if there's been 26 or 27 murders in a small town over the course of a year, the feds are going to be descending on this place. In this world, there is no federal government. I feel like they are a country unto themselves and Angel Falls. Just sovereign citizens. Yeah, yeah. OK, so this is when they go, they go, they lure them to the theater.

Yes. And we learned that Karen is dead, which is Gail's wife. She was murdered that past summer and then Waters took over her print shop a week later. And, and yeah. And, and when he says, I have to kill my own dad. And I was like, Oh no, here's where I get weird. Cause it's like my lifelong fantasy to murder my father. I'm okay. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's had edible fantasies of murdering their parents.

I thought edible fantasies was fucking your parents. There's murder involved. Oh, right. You fuck one murder the other. I don't want that. I just want to murder my dad. No. Can I get the number four edible? No fucking. Thank you. I am concerned that my edible? No fucking. Thank you.

Concerned that my father will become murdered. This podcast will be pointed at as evidence. I have no plans to kill my brother. No, as you know, we're idea people. We do not have fun. I do not carry things out Look those t-shirts still aren't up on our public shop. I don't get shit done I get the wrong shit done. I get the wrong shit shit. That's really it. I got the wrong shit done. No, no, I get the wrong shit done by posting the wrong movies. Oh yeah. You did. Alan asked me if I wanted a car action movie or an apocalypse action movie for the Patreon this week. And I replied car Vicky has been trying to convince me that we're due for an asteroid to hit earth and that an apocalypse is going to happen. So I'm not into that right now.

And then I looked at it today to see what car movie I get to do. I see our mega Dawn is winning. I think I saw Vicky once asteroid. Your brain just picks out every sixth word. God damn it. It's been a, it's been a rough week. Your brain just picks out every sixth word. God damn it. Oh, it's been a rough week. I apologize. Armageddon, no.

I've never seen Armageddon. Yeah, it's great. It's got all your favorites in it. Name one. Liv Tyler. I do like her, actually. Bruce Willis. He's a good guy.

Shitty Aerosmith song. No, no, that's what that, that's right. Don't wanna close my eyes. Ben Affleck. I don't like Ben Affleck. No one does. No one does. Even Ben Affleck, apparently.

No. And why would he? Oh, boy. So, yes, they lure him to the theater with a sign on the marquee that just says, Merry Christmas, David, we are inside. Yeah. It looks like they're just sitting there with a sign on the marquee that just says, Merry Christmas, David, we are inside. It looks like they're just sitting there with a movie on

and then, uh, who shows up? Uh, dad. Well, first Robbie and Darla show up and they're like really in love. And they come to the movie theater like once a week to have like film night. Yeah, they're very cute. I loved Darla's big nose. I didn't even notice her big nose. I love her big nose.

Yeah. Love her big nose. She was very pretty. Yeah. Yeah. But here's where Aunt Gail gets it. It's true, she gets stabbed. Too bad.

She'll be missed. Yeah. In this timeline. Right. And then the lights go out after she gets stabbed. I know that the like camera flash and the dark mechanic is overdone, but it's always fucking scary. Sure.

I like it every time it gets done. But I was also like, does she have a camera on her? I know that she's like a photo lady. She didn't, I didn't see her have the camera. No. Did she just like have a flash in her pocket maybe didn't, I didn't see her have the camera. Did she just like have a flash in her pocket? Maybe? Yeah, I don't know. But at any rate it was, it was a nice way to like take out Darla and Robbie and these like flashes of light. Um, and then let's all go to the lobby.

Start playing on the screen and Bernie yells, go to the lobby. I liked that. But yes, finally, Winnie impales Joel McHale with a broken mop. Yeah. Yeah. And this is where we learn that Bernie was going to kill herself.

Yeah. Thank you for not saying, I'm alive. Why are people doing that? That's something I don't know. It's because you'll get demonetized if you say suicide. What the fuck, man? Yeah.

So if you say like suicide, you should call the suicide hotline? I don't- I think that's fine. Okay. I think if you're giving helpful advice, but if you talk about someone committing, you're supposed to say unalive so you don't get demonetized or- You know what? Demonetize me, bros. We're not monetized.

No. This shit is still as free as the westbound wind or whatever that phrase is. What is it? Westward wind? I don't know what the... I like to think that you're making up your own aphorism right now. I might be. Free is an inbound train, baby. That's on a track.

It's the opposite of free. Free as the West. No. Free West Virginia Roadmap? There we go. This is as free as a West Virginia Roadmap. Free West Palm Beach. I don't think it's under siege.

All right. Yes, East Palm Beach has turned on it. God, it's hard to be me. But yeah, this, Bernie tells her that like, basically she has saved her life by being here for her. She says you were actually my Clarence. Yeah. What the fuck did Clarence do?

It saved his life. Okay. And it's a really sweet thing. Like Clarence basically tells him why he's been important in people's lives. Um, it's great. Uh, it was a wonderful life. Watch it. It's really good.

No. So she goes back to where she made the wish in the first place and yells at the Aurora, give me my life back, you hack. You hack. And the Aurora gets angry and we realize that she has to kill Justin Long too. And it gets smaller too.

Yeah, yeah. It's gonna leave her. So Justin Long, Henry Waters. This is where the movie starts losing me. I mean, I think it's a rough ending. I think the townspeople are the rough ending here. Why are they zombies? Why are they zombies?

I don't know. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't. I think this is ill conceived. I think there's a way to do this without it being that silly. Yeah. I mean, living in a world of like hero worship of famous people, it would have been very easy just to make them all Walters fans. Exactly. It's it's, you know, he's basically, he's hosting a naughty or nice party.

And he's telling, he's bringing people up on stage and saying whether they a naughty or nice party. Yeah. And he's telling, he's bringing people up on stage and saying whether they're naughty or nice and people will hand his wife a gift and she'll throw it right into a trash can. And I like her quite a bit because earlier in the movie she has said, Oh, I love the microwave. Admittedly she does throw out those shitty butter cookies that come show for on Christmas. I love butter cookies.

So do I, but those like that particular tin they always taste stale. I love that tin of butter cookies. Do you? Yes. You dip them in tea then they don't taste stale. That makes sense. You fucking jag off. Wow. It's the holiday season. I will keep my opinions on the corn tri-flavored bucket to myself then. Here's what you do when you get a corn tri-flavored bucket. You throw out the cheese immediately because it's disgusting. Okay, wrong. You pull the cardboard separator out and you shake it because everything is chaos. Listen.

Life is chaos. If the offspring have taught us anything, you're going to do it. You say it. I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Where's their apology tour for that song. Oh my God. Yeah. That isn't, he like, isn't, yeah. Isn't Dexter Holland like a neuroscientist now? Yeah, you know better motherfucker. Yes, so the mayor is doing the naughty or nice thing, and he's decided that his brother is naughty.

Yes, Sheriff Buck has put in for a transfer. So he kills him on stage and then strings him up like an airborne angel Christ. I liked that actually. I did too, but all the people in the town who have blue eyes at this point are just like, oh, this is so cool. Yeah, I feel like they, I guess, you know, it's that thing of Donald Trump saying

that he could shoot someone in the middle of fifth Avenue and nothing would happen to him. They should have really, you're right. They should have just run with that. Just leaned into it. Just leaned into it. If you're doing that thing, just do that thing. Yeah. Uh, nobody watching this movie and they're like, Hey, wait a minute. That's my precedent. Watching this queer as like horror movie is like, well, I've made it this far and I've enjoyed every moment of it,

but now you've gone too far. This is too much. Yeah, because in It's a Wonderful Life, there's no supernatural element other than angels. And who doesn't believe in angels? Do you believe in angels? At this point, I think his wife is yelling, only Henry waters can give you everything you need. He's an angel. He is your angel. Yeah. See, they should have

just done that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This almost, this again feels like, um, like a studio notes. Yeah. Hey, can you tone that down? You take that down a few notches and just make them, I don't know, zombie people, I guess. Right, and how did they become zombified? Because he has such a good personality. He got that riz. You did a good job there. Thank you. So when he and Bernie show up,

and the mayor, Mayor Henry Waters is like, oh, hey, weirdo. And what does weirdo do? She punches him. She punches him. And says, I have always fucking hated you. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was like, I fucking love Bernie. This is after, we learn it's because he fucked her mom and ruined her family. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell your, he basically says, tell your mom I said hi. Yeah. He does a real tell your mom I said hi.

When he tells him that, she goes, we fucking killed him about her dad. And Justin Lung goes, did you really? To his credit, he's very funny in this movie. I think he's very funny in a lot of movies. He knows that you want to punch him, you know? And he leans into that, and I feel like that's a really good skill to have.

You're still mad at him for being the Mac. Yeah, don't you talk to Judge John Hodgman that way. No one wants to punch John Hodgman. No one in the planet wants to punch John Hodgman. Even with that weird beard he has now. Oh, I haven't seen him in a minute. Yeah, he's got a weird beard now. Nice.

He's a weird beard kind of guy. Yeah, for sure. He's a weird beard guy. He's a weird beard guy. I don't think your beard's weird. Oh, thank you. Especially this time of year. Yeah, very seasonal.

Very seasonal. Very seasonal. On that nice list. Seasonable, I would say. So they start punching him, but his white suit guys aren't helping him. And I don't know why. They're like scared of them because they're pushing back.

Okay, okay. And then he gets notched in the crowd and the crowd like kind of wakes up and starts kicking his ass. Yeah. And then. The people are attacking him and his wife has a knife, but Bernie stabs her, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Bernie stabs... No, Bernie stabs him. Bernie stabs him, right? Yeah. And then the Aurora lights up like really brilliantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And then they smooch. Then one of them says to the other, I was here to help you. Winnie says that to Bernie. Which I like the idea that this is actually Bernie's movie. Yeah. This is actually like Bernie's thing. I thought that was a really nice fun little twist on it.

Like you were my Clarence. Yeah. Maybe we're all each other's Clarence. That's all we could ask to be is each other's Clarences. Does that make sense? We're all each other's guardian angel, yes. Who look like a WC field drunk. Oh.

I feel like that'd be a very good look on me. What? They smooch, they smoochin'. Yeah, and then she wakes up in the tracksuit. Yes. Yeah. And then her parents are like, just kidding, we got you a gift.

It's the same camera you had last year, I think. Shh, you weren't supposed to notice that. And she's like, wow, you do love me as much as my brother. And then her brother's still there, and they hug, and she's freaking out. And she says, I didn't get into NYU. And her mom's like, oh, that's all right. And her dad's like, yeah, it would've cost us

a ton of money anyway. And they're like, wow, we'll make the best of it, and we're gonna get you the support you need and we're never gonna just repress the stuff again and like everything's fixed now. Yeah. And then she says, I gotta go find Bernie. Yeah, so she does, she goes over to Bernie's house.

Yeah. And Bernie remembers. I love that. Did you? I did, I did love that. It's the end of, um, He-Man,. Remember when we did masters of the universe on the action movie and Courtney Cox, Courtney Cox remembers. Holy, if that's the callback we're doing, I don't think it is. Maybe this, the director was born on the same day as me.

Exactly. You know, he's my peer. He's got to be a huge E head. He's got to be an E head. So that's the super happy ending. I do love the super happy ending. Yes. You want a Christmas movie, you want to have a super happy ending. Yeah.

They can't all be silent night, deadly night. You know what I mean? No. Would you like my final note? Yeah. It was all right. So talking about it critically, it was final note? Yeah. It was all right. So talking about it critically, it was pretty bad. Yeah. Watching it. I had a blast. It's very short. Yes.

It's very, um, play school. My first slasher. Like it feels like very, I know what you did last summer where it's like an entree for young teens or teenagers to get into horror, where it's like not terribly gory, it's not terribly scary, there's some jump scares, you know who the bad guy is, and it's gonna be okay. And I'm gonna suggest this movie all day long because representation matters. Sure. And there's a ton of it in here.

Sure. And Catherine Isabelle is worth the price of an, like we didn't even talk about how fucking funny she is. No, she's so fucking funny. Yeah. It's not fair. She gets to be beautiful Canadian and funny. Yeah. I fucking hate her. The trifecta. The trifecta. Although pretty sure you've talked pretty hard shit on Canadians in the past. Oh yeah. But she doesn't have to live here in this show. It's true. It's true. I love that like she can do, did you watch Hannibal? She's in that and she's like elegant. Yeah.

And she can also do like, I'm your regular ass aunt. Or I'm like a funny drunk psycho. Or I'm a weird teenage werewolf. Cause I got my period. Or I'm a serial killer who does vengeance killing an American Mary. She's so fantastic. She's great.

Catherine Isabel forever. Yeah. Katie. Wait, she's great. Catherine Isabel forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Katie. Wait, what did we recently see her in where she was like somebody's girlfriend and was like following them around a hospital or something? It's that wrestler movie, the Kane movie. Oh, that's right. Thanks, Kurt.

Yeah. See you in Evil 2. Thanks, Kurt, of Enjoy Wrestling. Go follow Enjoy Wrestling. Oh yeah, you going to their show? Probably not, but that's, you know, wrestling's not my jam. You're never gonna go, are you? No.

They doing one at my house anytime soon? I think if you ask Kurt nicely enough. So I, just for the enjoyment of this, because I don't always love a Christmas horror movie, they've been probably some of my lowest rated, other than like Black Christmas. Krampus, of course. It was fine. because I don't always love a Christmas horror movie. They've been probably some of my lowest rated other than like Black Christmas. Krampus, of course.

It was fine. They're always just kind of fine. But this one I had a lot of enjoyment for, so I'm gonna give this one a six and a half, which it doesn't deserve. Oh, nice. Yeah, that's my generous spirit over the holidays. I'm gonna give it a five.

I'm gonna go with a five on this. I think a couple more passes on some of the stuff would have helped out a lot. Like it really did lose me on that crowd scene. Yeah. It fell off pretty hard. I feel like it's just relying on being fun for you to not think about that. Yeah. And they were like, oh my God, we got to get to this thing.

We got to do this thing. And then this thing's going to happen. And then they're going to switch and everything's going to be fine. Shh. Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,. Shh. Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, Alan. Speaking of everything being fine and in true werewolf ambulance fashion. Yeah. We received a gift in the mail. Okay.

You got to talk me through this. This is from Mark P. Hi, Mark P. Sent us this statue for our 500th episode. Would you like me to read the attached letter that came with it and said, don't open, don't open until episode 500. It is currently episode 504. Look, Mark understands us. Yeah. That's why, uh, there was a lot of back and forth between me and Mark and the post office

about finding this thing for a little while. I can't believe that that went missing. When I look at it, you're going to post pictures of me. Yes, for sure. Hi, Ellen. Hi, Katie. Hi, Mark. I like that we each got our own high. I appreciate that.

I want to share. Never been good at that. And closes a token of my appreciation for 500 episodes of such a wonderful podcast. Well, thank you. I hope you get a kick out of it. I may or may not have dropped it on a concrete floor multiple times during

the assembly and painting process and had to repair it as best I could. Let's call it intentionally antiqued. I've also enclosed a little tube of super glue in case something unfortunate happens during shipping. I did have to glue the microphone back on right before Katie got here. It looks great. I would never have known. I know this is kind of a silly gift and thing to do, but I can't express in words how great your friendship with each other is and how much of a delight it is

to listen to you for an hour until I feel my jaw muscles getting sore from smiling the entire time. Oh my God. Any little token is well earned. Thank you so much. Thanks for everything you do. Here's to 500 more. Oh no. Mark B. Mark, we're for everything you do. Here's to 500 more. Oh, no.

Mark B. Mark, we're working on it. I would like to describe this. Please, go. This is a statue about the size of a beer can and a half in terms of height. Or maybe it was your tall boy, but it's not the height of your tall boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 16 ounces. A 16-ouncer. It is a werewolf. He is howling at the sky. His clothes are ripping off of him in one hand. He holds a microphone and the other he holds a where and the other he holds an ambulance at the bottom on the bottom of the trophy.

I'm calling it a trophy because it's painted gold. It's painted gold. It says 500 episodes. It is truly a work of art. We'll post pictures of it. Oh my God. Thank you, Mark. With the size of the ambulance and the tree behind him, I like to think that the werewolf is like 50 feet tall. Yes, he's a Godzilla. It's perfect. It's really beautiful. Thank you so much. And also to the person or persons who sent us a copy on Blu-ray of Uzumaki.

What is that? It's a great Japanese horror movie. Nice. That's really kind of you. to the person or persons who sent us a copy on Blu-ray of Uzumaki. What is that? It's a great Japanese horror movie. Nice. That's really kind of you. And you did not include a letter or anything to let us know who it was that sent it to us. Why would you do that?

If it was you, own up to it, all right? Thanks. Thank you though. Yeah. Oh my God, you people are so fucking nice. So fucking nice. So fucking nice. Thank you everyone.

I hope you're having a great holiday season. And if not, it'll be over soon. Yeah. Yeah. But not next week. Not next week. We have a very special episode as we do every New Year's. We do a special episode for you all.

A rom-com. A rom-com. Katie's Fairy Bridge genre of film. It's not hot frosty. I am Googling the title because all I've been calling it is the new Lindsay Lohan Christmas movie. Our little secret on Netflix. Will we be joined by anyone to do this?

I hope so. I hope so. You have told me that we will be joined by someone. I have confirmation on the joining. We will be joined by the one, the only, my cousin Vicky. Vicky can also give me shit for misreading your text and putting up Armageddon. No, because if we start, if we, here's the problem, if we bring up the asteroid thing, she's going to get, she's going to go down, she's going to hunker, she's going to talk about the asteroid. I think she seems to think she feels

it. Can we bring her back for the Armageddon movie episode? Can you do Armageddon with Vicky instead of me? I will never do this podcast without you. Why don't we hire a replacement for you too? I bet Rob could do it. Why are we getting kicked out of this? I don't want to watch Armagedon! You're the one who picked it! God damn it Helen! I'm sorry I misread our conversation what did you say? It's called car Megadon. I hate you and I hate the holidays. Thank you good night. I love you and I don't love the holidays but I do love you and I love all of you and I hope you're all being kind to each other and yourselves. Yeah I love you too, buddy.

Eat some candy. Eat some candy, eat some cake. Eat some cookies. We've been hitting the bouchernoelle real hard this year. Bouchernoelle? Yeah, I've had two already. I think we're picking up a third one tomorrow. Fuck yeah, dude.

I have squid I have to stuff, so I don't know. Yeah, how many fishes? All seven of them. All seven of those fuckers. Yeah, possibly more. Because I don't know. Yeah. How many fishes? All seven of them. Possibly more. Cause I stuff anchovies inside the squid and I don't think, I don't know if those get counted. Uh, and you, do you, every time you say I'm inverting, you're invading your personal space. And then you're like, let's go be girls. I cannot wait to say that. Uh, go to the tea public to buy shirts and shit. New stuff will be up soon.

I swore to Alan I would do it tomorrow. We're doing a new year, new you sale. That's right, new year, new you. It's not even going to be on sale because we can't control the prices. Capitalism. And yeah, be kind to each other. Be kind to yourself. If you're family are dicks, I'm sorry. other, be kind to yourself. If your family are dicks, I'm sorry. Yeah, we'll be your family.

Alan's gonna walk you down the aisle at your wedding. You just write in. And Katie is gonna be your drunk aunt. Oh yeah, no, I thought I was a drunk mom. Drunk mom, all right. No, it's not our biological child, no. Oh God. That we know of.

Oh my God, I think I would know. Oh, thanks for listening to another episode we know of. Oh my god, I think I would know. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, thanks for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance, and happy holidays to you all. Happy holidays. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Ooh. Bye.

See ya. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

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