Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 511- Slay (2024)

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

In this week's episode, we're discussing a movie that a ton of you suggested-- the 2024 drag queens vs. vampires showdown in "Slay." Special topics for your consideration include: some anatomical confusion, moral lessons, an indifference to romance,learning a new dance, and a very very special question for a very very special listener. This is our first drag queen feature but we have truly done like 400 vampire movies, yinz can go ahead and look them up.  The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. Somehow it's "Crank 2" month, which...loooool. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

The the the the the the the the I think we should do something different this week. What do you think we should do? I think we should do mailbag at the top of the shelf. We have a very special mailbag. Very special mailbag.

I'm gonna read this one and I'm not gonna cry. No, you're not. No. No. Hi, Katie and Alan. It's me again, bluntly lesbianist. I have a very special favor to ask of you to help me with a question. I should say that I've introduced my girlfriend

to your podcast and she loves you too. It's come to a point where we quote the podcast to each other. You two have helped her and I get closer, with a question. I should say that I've introduced my girlfriend to your podcast and she loves you too. It's come to a point where we quote the podcast to each other. You two have helped her and I get closer, including us taking a five hour road trip listening to you the whole time. That's too much.

That's too much. Too much babies. But I love you for it. We've even listened to it together over the phone. So with that being said, Amber, you help me be and want to continue to be a better person every day You have helped me to be more confident stronger understanding and loving You have done more things for me in ways that I could never imagine

You've made a permanent impact on my life and have changed it for the better You're everything I could ask for and more and And thank you for choosing me over and over again year after year. Thank you for your kindness, love, support, understanding and acceptance. I love you Amber. Will you hand fast me? Oh my God.

Amber better fucking say yes. And we better fucking be invited. No pressure Amber. No we better fucking be invited. No pressure, Amber. No, Amber. Oh my God. Don't let us tell you what to do. That's beautiful. Thank you so much for including us in your proposal. Yeah. Oh my God. I had to look up what hand fasting is. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a commitment ceremony. I didn't know. Yeah. You know, I don't know things. You know, lots of things, but also the less you know. Sure. Yeah.

If you want to pick that shirt up at T public, it's T public slash werewolf. Ambulance. I'm so pleased we could turn this commitment of life together in such a sweet way into a way for you to give us a little bit of money. Listen in this post capitalist society, we're living in, that's extremely capitalist. So post capitalist that it's actually capitalist. Amber bluntly, we're so happy for you both.

Assuming this works out. Also, we're happy to, um, Alan will walk one of you down the aisle and I would be happy to run your ceremony or just be your flower girl or whatever you mean. You've also offered a drunk aunt at wedding. I'll dance badly. I'll wear a dress that everyone's like, she's a little old for that. Might accidentally dump them out while you're dancing. Oh yeah. Dumped tip in the tits. They're falling out.

Speaking of dancing and tucking things. Yeah. This movie came requested quite a bit, apparently. Yeah, yeah. This is our gayest episode ever. For sure. Yeah. Proud of us.

Proud of us. Oh my God, pat me on the back. We are doing the 2024 film, Slay. Slay, it's a Tooby original. Our first Tooby original, I think. Is it their first movie too? Might be. If so, kudos Tubi.

I have to say, I don't know much about drag queen culture. I have never been to a drag show. I didn't watch RuPaul's Drag Race or anything like that, which I feel like brought drag queens really into the public zeitgeist. I just don't know much about it. Yeah, same. Oh, okay.

I've watched a bit of RuPaul, but like, I will say like, I completely understand why people can't stop co-opting this culture because like, it's like you get this peek into this world where people have their own vernacular and it seems to be based around joy and bright colors and like all this stuff and like- Fucking great makeup. And just calling everybody a bitch constantly.

Yeah, that's a bit stressful actually. But it's like, oh yeah, I can see why people call off this and they should probably stop doing that. But I understand why they do it. The actors in this, they are known like, um, on, on like from drag race. Oh, are they? Okay. I think so. Okay. They've got great names like from drag race. Or I think so. Okay. They've got great names like Trinity the tuck. I fucking love a pun. Sure.

So Heidi in closet, Heidi and closet. That's real good. Crystal method. Caramel. I mean, it's like when my friend did roller derby, we spent all this time coming up with her name. I just want to have something where I can have a good name like that.

What would your roller derby name have been? Oh. Assuming you will not now get into roller derby. Oh, I think I'm past that. Well, I will tell you what hers is, which I helped her come up with, which was Inagata De Beecha. Gotcha, gotcha.

I had a hand. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think mine would be Rutherford B. Hayes in your ass. I love that for you. What would your drag queen name be? Rutherford B. Hayes in your ass. I don't know. Again, I don't know.

I feel like I'd have to come up with something like filthy. Yeah. I feel like I'd want to go real dirt dog. Dirt dog's not bad. I think it is. I think it's taken. Self of the you. Yeah. Very good. Or dirt dog. You could be a yurt dog, you know, like a little house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got you. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. I had to make sure it made sense. I had to make sure it made sense. I love reading books about the Eurasian steppe. I know about yurts. I know you do. Yeah, there you go. Yurt dog. Yurt dog. D-A-W-G. My drag is just an annoying old guy

who has history facts for you. You're carrying around like an NPR local station tote bag fundraiser, free gift. 100% 100%. Yeah, we'll go to the farmer's market later. You're a dog. Only organic, only organic for this your dog. Katie Allen. We open the way all movies should, which is shot between a man's legs while he's earning. Yeah. It's a lot of pee and someone run by him. Do you need

to work on it like that to pee? Sorry. He's like really working it. He'd work in his hog. I thought he was jerking it momentarily. And then I thought, is that how you need to work on it like that to pee? Sorry? He's like really working it, working his hog. I thought he was jerking it momentarily. And then I thought, is that how you have to get the pee? I thought you could just hold it. I mean, he may have prostate issues or something that he's working through, but normally the pee just comes out. I thought it was sort of less than voluntary. It's similar to your pee situation.

Okay. Not a lot of coke. Which is it comes out of my cloaca. It's very upsetting. She's just always screaming fresh squeezed lemonade. Oh, that's gross. That's too far. You went too far.

So he's being chased down by somebody who's also messing with his produce. Yes, he has a truck full of garlic and cabbage, my favorites. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you know, farts. Yeah. He shoots this chasing thing in the tum tum

and it claws him and it also looks very silly. This is the worst, best effect in the movie of just having to be like vampire mask on somebody. And it's also because it's like dusk, it's not quite dark. You can't see this thing in the light. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't do that. No, you gotta hide it in some darkness.

Yeah. That's why vampires live in darkness. Right, because their masks are so bad. Because they don't look great. They don't look great. But I'm on board. Oh, it's just a cheap effect, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then he gets bit up by the vampire. We jump into a camper van filled with drag performers going to their next rendezvous. It's a very cool RV. Very cool. The very brightly colored, lots of lights and just silliness going on inside of it. Yeah. Um, they are at some of them better than others. Some of them better than others.

They're saying things like, um, I take suggestions, like I suck dick. If it's good, I swallow. Can you imagine having a conversation with someone and they just give you, hit you with that ball maul. Your assistants like, listen, I feel like you don't always listen to the things that I have to say. And I'm like, suggestions. Listen, Cassidy, I just asked you to sharpen some pencils. I figured that was a good name for an assistant.

So there's some stripes. There's some obviously headbutting going on mainly between, uh, Trinity the tuck. Yes. Mama souffle. Get it. Yes. And Olive Wood, which I don't get that.

Is that just I love Wood? Oh, maybe. That's a stretch. That's a first pass. They're obviously sort of vying for who should be the alpha in this situation. Who's going to do the choreography for the show? Yeah. And then of course you have Bella, who just seems to be flitting their way through life

in the most adorable way possible. Bella is really cute. Oh my God. And then you've got Robin. Robin Banks. Robin what? Robin Banks. Robin Banks, very good. Who is the driver and also the tour manager. And also a backup performer. And also a backup performer and also a backup performer and also doing a bad job

at most of those things. They have booked the, the troop at the bold buck bar, which they thought was the bar called the bold tuck, which I meant to look up to see if that's a real place. Doing it now. a bar called the Bold Tuck, which I meant to look up to see if that's a real place. Doing it now. I'm doing it now. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Come here. But it's a, it's a biker bar. And they're kind of getting guff as soon as they get out of the camper van to go into the bar by like the most stereotypical. Yeah. Yeah.

This feels a lot like that scene from on PB's big adventure that ends with tequila. Oh my God. A hundred percent. Just picture a bunch of dudes who look like me, people's drive, but without the smiling visage, you know. But I also like that, like, the guy says something shitty to them, and one of them retorts with, well, that's like putting that muffler on that piece of shit bike that you've got there.

Yeah. Calls it a, uh, uh, oh no, no, no. Like an entry-level hog or something. Entry-level hog, which is a phrase that I really like. Which is what that guy was doing with his penis earlier. He has an entry-level hog. Entry- hog, which is a phrase that I really like. Which is what that guy was doing with his penis earlier, isn't it? Entry level hog. I guess you just have to work an entry level hog

a little bit harder. They go inside and they're like, we think we were misbooked. And the guy behind the counter is like, no, you should just do it. He says Mindy booked you. She works day shift. Yeah.

This guy is Dusty. Yeah, and his name is Dusty. Oh really? Oh shit. I was making an ashy joke. No, I know. He's just an old man. Or is he? I have a note that says we don't, we don't shit in ourselves and I don't know what that means. We don't, oh, we don't shit on ourselves. That's their motto. That's right, that's right. They all say it together, we don't shit on ourselves.

Which I appreciate it. I wish I could do that. You and I should start not shitting on ourselves. Yeah, for sure. I love the overarching positive messages throughout this film. Yeah, I mean, it's real heavy-handed. Oh yeah. Real silly. But in the fucking bleak ass days we're living in,

this is a welcome change. We gotta get what we can get. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, God, everything sucks, Alan. Yeah, I know. What are we gonna do? Keep on keepin' on? Don't talk shit on ourselves?

Don't shit on ourselves. Just don't shit on ourselves. I mean, I can't promise that. I'm an old man. Yeah. Yeah. Like the coffee't promise that. I'm an old man. Um, like the coffee table book that pie is working on called chart stories, not chart attack. I said long story chart. Oh my God, that's even better. So, uh, these two local like youngsters show up and they're very excited for them to perform, even though Olivewood is like, no, we're leaving.

And then so like, just being like the vibes are off. We can't be here. Yeah. But these two are just like nothing good ever happens in this town and you guys are here and we're so happy you're here. They're like, fine. A lot of validation.

Yeah. We got to do it for them, which is why we do this podcast of validation. Yeah, we gotta do it for them. Which is why we do this podcast for you all. I know, it's not for us. Every week you all show up at the house and you're like, you guys have to record. We do it, we do it for you. We're not just jerking off into a mirror.

So they go to the greed room, which is just a back room. Yes. And we learned that the store room. The sprinklers are super touchy. Check off sprinklers. Wait, do those actually come in handy later? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

And we keep it in these shots of Dusty where he seems very curious about what they're doing. He is really doing a lot of rubber necking. Yeah. But so is everybody. Sure. Yeah. Is this also where we meet Sheila?

I think so. Poor Sheila. Sometimes I feel like a Sheila in my own life, you know? Everyone's just like, shut up. In the end, though, she's so helpful. Oh, yeah. So this person who we saw peeing earlier that got turned into a vampire, now shows up in the bar parking lot.

He shows up in the parking lot. They're also just dudes out there yapping, just dudes yapping in the parking lot, like talking about their women. Like is this what dudes do? Yeah man, that's how we get caught up. Stay in touch with each other. Oh, and there's a, a pin that was borrowed from Mama Souffle to Olive Wood, like a hairpin.

Oh, right, yes. Which was also Chekhov's hairpin. Yes, that's what Chekhov's pins means. That's two notes later from Chekhov's sprinklers. There's a really cute scene where Robin Banks is explaining the lighting motif that they'll need to Earl and Brie. Earl, and Earl likes this praise.

He's having a great time, Earl's cute. We also cut back to the two people, the two fans, and they're just drinking like big umbrella drinks. They're like, why are they making these here at the Bold Buck? I can't get those anywhere. No, not since I was at a tiki bar years ago. There's a tiki bar in Squirrel Hill, Hidden Harbor.

You can get them there. That's right. But also you drink one of those drinks and you fall down the stairs. And then you go to a movie afterwards. I have done. I know. No.

Oh, fuck. You meant me, not you. So they start the show in a way that I fucking adored. Which is what? Thedies and gentle them. Oh, yeah. That's good. And they do their opening number to what American classic

songbook song do they attack as the opening number? It's gonna be, it's gonna be your wet ass pussy. It's gonna be some wet ass pussy. I watched this movie with Rob and he was just reading the lyrics because he had the subtitles on and cackling. He's like, do you not know this song? He's like, I did not know the words. That song is so dirty.

Like I'm not real prudish, but one point where she says, sounds like you're stirring mac and cheese. Yeah. I was like, I mean, yes, but also, it makes you go, oh my. I mean, sent Ben Shapiro into a tizzy, if we remember. That's right. That's when we learned that Ben Shapiro has never made a woman wet.

Oh my God, his poor wife. She's just getting sandpaper. Or do you think she like points to something across the room? I know this joke is like so tired, but do you think she just points to something across the room? I know this joke is like so tired, but do you think she just points to something across the room and then like spits in her hand real quick? Like, Ben, what's that over there? Just something, a glass of water,

splashing a cold glass. I'm so, I've got an infection. My wife says that's a sign of an infection. Bro. So this is when Olivewood goes off script and messes up the choreography knocking down Mama Souffle by doing a big split, which is fucking dope as hell. Kill a man to be able to do a split. Literally. I take a look.

You were working on it. I did. I started working on it in 2020 and then I thought COVID was going to, I thought lockdown was going to end and I was like, well, I didn't get there and I'm not going to have time once I go back to the office. So I gave up on it. And then like six months later, I was like, man, I should have stuck with them splits. No time like the present Katie. You think I should learn to do the splits? All right. Okay.

What's today's date? Oh, today's date is the 23rd of February. Okay, what's six months from now? The 23rd of August? Yeah. All right. I'm gonna be able to do it by the 23rd of August. I love it. Put it on the calendar.

I can't do it with you because I believe my hips would literally shoot off my body if I tried to do that. I would disengage my hips like a G.I. Joe action figure. Love that for you. Also, you've got a dong and I just don't. Okay. What the hell's that got to do? Well, I think it's hard to do a split.

This person also has a dong. They've got it taped and stuff though. I mean, that's like, it's not, I just think you have to like take certain precautions with it. I mean, I don't have a dick. That's the whole point. But I just thought you would have to like.

I think you can do a split with a dick. Okay. Eh. Which, okay. I just thought, okay, maybe I'm being ignorant. I am being ignorant right now because I don't know. I love that this podcast episode is just surprisingly penis educational.

We're so woke that I feel embarrassed about not knowing how a person with a penis does a split. I don't know. Wouldn't it like, nevermind. No, I think there's like, there's enough of a gap when you hit the floor. Like I don't think you're going taint down. Is it taint slapping floor? I ain't never done one. Look, we're going to find out.

If I can get my taint on the floor, I'll let you know. It makes you so uncomfortable. I couldn't make eye contact with you when you said that. No, you can't make eye, you still can't make eye contact with me. you said that. No, you can't make eye contact. You still can't make eye contact with me. Look at you. You're blushing. So dusty love in the performance.

Girls have taints too. I know. I know. It's perfectly normal to have a taint. I've heard about women's genitals. OK. Don't make me get the diagram out again. No.

It's just a single hole that says cloaca over the entire thing. And the rest of it surrounded by taint. It's a 360 taint. This sucks. So Dusty loves the performance. He's mimicking their moves and stuff, but like trying to do it like slyly. Yeah, he's really enjoying it. It's just very cute. Very cute.

I like it very much. And Earl is really enjoying doing the lights. He looks like a happy, he's having like a great time. I love this idea that like, if he just brings something new to people, like excites them and stimulates them. And it's like, oh yeah, that's how the world works. It's pretty great.

That's like the wonder of childhood, right? Yeah. But of course the bikers don't like it. No, we've got Travis. Travis is a dick. Yeah, Travis is a dick. And Travis's friend is about to get bit. What's his friend's name? Are you talking about my boy Fatboy?

Fatboy, yeah. Yeah, Fatboy. He's got a real Mick Foley vibe to him. It does, 100%. We should do a Mick Foley heart. Oh, wait, we did that. That was a lie. We were sold a bill of goods on that one. So the vampire biker comes into the bar bites fat boy.

He says something terrible, which is your blood, your high blood pressure smells real good. I bet you'll spray everywhere. I didn't like that. I thought it was funny. It's a real weird thing to say to somebody. I mean, it's to write that down and be like, we're putting that in the movie. I guess they could have gone like, ah, that diabetes blood's gonna taste real sweet. So sweet.

I informed somebody the other day that the way they used to test for diabetes was tasting urine. Yeah. Blew their mind. Like real, if it was really sweet, that was, yeah. I was like, who was the first doctor who figured that out? Oh yeah. But then also that's like fucking revolutionary medicine.

Yeah. It's revolutionary medicine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they, they, they, they, there's some guns drawn. Um, and Rufus, who is the initial vampire from the beginning of the movie, uh, is throwing people around, throws dusty around. Um, and, uh, they eventually just throw them out of the bar. Yeah, that's it. As if that will handle this. He gets 86'd. 86'd? 88? 86'd.

69, no, no, no, no. I think it's 86'd. I think you're correct. I think I'm right, I think I'm right. And then they restart the show. Yeah. Also when they're getting heckled, Mama Souffle keeps heckling back and is very fucking funny.

Yeah. Like, how's your head? How's your head? I'm not, I don't have any problems with my head. Well, neither do I. Well. Which, if you remember, is a joke from Mistress of the Dark, Elvira.

I don't. Yeah, she bops her head and someone says, how's your head? And she goes, never had any complaints. That's, I do, yeah, all right. All right. All right. Very good. Uh, I have so many notes that just say dusty is cute. Dusty is cute. And we think dusty is going to get hurt here at the top, but doesn't in this whole scuffle. Yeah. But also a thing that I noticed in the scene is that the bikers, particularly Travis, but also Fat Boy, speak

only in like a gravelly growl. It's real, real ham-fisted. So Fat Boy's got fangs now. Yeah. And he... Someone says she has a lot to learn about sisterhood in this, right before the show, when the show comes back on, which is sort of an overarching theme of this movie is, you know, you do what's best for the sisterhood in this right before the show, when the show comes back on, which is sort of an overarching theme of this movie is, you know, you do what's best for the sisterhood. Yeah, for the family. For the family. Just like the Juggalos.

Just like Dom Tor, Dominic Toretto? Toretto. My brain was like tortellini, no, tortelloni. There's a possible new Pope because the old Pope's on his way out. Yeah. My family was talking about it today. Wow. They're like, Oh, the plumes, the plumes of smoke. The possibility of one of the possibilities for new Pope's last name is like pizza biata. And I was like, please, please give us pizza, man.

I mean it, please. Please give us pizza man. Pizza pope. Oh, fuck. I mean, it is Italy. Just shooting string cheese out to the crowd in the shape of a cross, of course. Maybe we'll make Luigi the new pope. Can we vote on Luigi? I did like that when people were going to protest, pro Luigi protest. Pro for, yes. The dress code was wearing all green. Yeah, he also wore green for his court date.

That's very funny. I just saw on Reddit that someone donated $30,000 to his defense fund. It was like one person being like, well, I'm rich and I've never had to worry about healthcare, but this made me think about it, so here you go. Wow. And also when his attorney showed up,

everybody started cheering. They're doing the Lord's work. Just have to free this man so that he can kill more CEOs. And fuck his way across the country. Up to your elbows. Just stirring that macaroni and cheese. Oh my God. Wet ass pussies as far as the eye can see. So I have a note that says,

fat boy eats a recent pooper. Oh right, I actually thought this guy was kind of funny. And then I also thought like, at least he got to do a good shit before getting eaten. That is a state of affairs comment. I just want to do a good shit before I have to go do this thing. Yeah, that's how I feel about everything, but especially death. I want to be empty before I pass.

Yeah, I don't want my last long story chart being my death throws. She died of a shard attack. She always wanted to go out. Actually, I died doing what I loved. She'd always wanted to go out. Actually, I died doing what I loved. So he eats the guy who comes out of the toilet and is like, oh my God, are you going to go in there for 25, 35 minutes? It's like he's in the same room. He could smell your shit.

He smells your shit. There's literally a half door between you and him. So then Fat Boy goes out and he's going towards the stage as Bella is doing like backwards splits mooning the audience. Yeah, that's a whole act, that thing. That whole shebang. And he goes to bite somebody and Travis yells fat boy you're a vegetarian. Yes.

And someone also calls him bargain bin meatloaf, which I liked a whole lot. God, I wish I was quick like that. God, me too. Just to be insulting and quick all the time. I once saw meatloaf almost die. I know I've told that story on the show before, but I just like to bring it up every now and then. I thought, fuck, I'm going to watch meatloaf die in front of me. And I thought, that's kind of cool. He didn't. Definitely would have been a shard attack. I can't imagine Mr. Lof's GI was that well intact. I mean, meatloaf? I don't think so.

No, no. So the gang like run out of the bar and then see that the parking lot is like ravaged by vampires. They run back into the bar and it's very Scooby Doo. I wrote, is this what Spice World is like? I wouldn't know because our patrons will never pick it. Oh, by the way, did you see that your movie got picked? What was my movie? I don't even remember what my movie was. Oh, fuck. What is it called? The Jason Statham.

Oh, Crank 2? Crank 2. Fuck! Because I put Crank 2, Katie's Choice. What is it called? The Jason Statham. Oh, Crank 2? Crank 2. Fuck! Because I put Crank 2, Katie's choice. What? Why is everyone fucking with me at all times? Because you said, add Crank 2. That's my pick. I'm not fucking with you. I'm just throwing words that you've said onto the internet. Why would you repeat my own words back to me to hurt me?

Crank too, huh? Crank too. How long is crank too? Should I have half hours? I should have looked that up. Christopher Nolan's crank too. Oh, it's only an hour and 36. Fantastic. Thank you guys. Crank too. So the vampires take the phone out as you do when you're in a siege situation. Sure. There's also a vampire that impales themselves on a beer tap and I was like, wow. Yeah, that is, I liked that. He's like jumping, I think at Dusty who then ducks or something.

When he gets impaled on the tap, just turns to like a glittery dust. Yeah, which I felt was like a little like cute little stab at Twilight. In that scene, one of the fans says to the other one, these vampires are nothing like the Cullens. And I was like, ah, I get that and I hate it. Robin Banks is saved by the cute guy that they were making eyes with. Yes.

I am not at all invested in their love story, I have to say. What? Why, because they're just both into it from the jump? Yeah, there's no tension there. It's not a will they, won't they? It's a when will they, yeah. So the vampires are out in the parking lot,

they're flattening all the tires, except for on the camper van, apparently. I think the camper van's tires were flattened. Oh, were they? Yeah, because later when Olive Wood tries to take it, they're not, oh, that's right. She can't and I think it's a riding a bicycle. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a while since I watched this movie. I'm sorry. No, you're right. Um, and Travis won't let everyone kill fat boy because he's friends with them. Right. They ended up just locking him in a store room in a freezer and a freezer. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Um, someone must walk that duck because I wrote, I wish I could

do that. Oh my God. Can you imagine if your knees would just do that. It would just be me going down, you hitting 911. I just have my finger over the emergency call button on your phone. Yeah, I'm always impressed whenever I watch any of those like dance things where people are just- They get so low to the floor. Going so low and then doing the like drop. Yeah. Oh my God. Your poor knees. Everything, everything would hurt. I'm going to learn to do the splits. I am not going to learn to walk that duck or maybe I should learn to walk that. It would you rather learn the splits? No, I do need to start doing squats. So I guess what it makes us to do walk that duck. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe one day I'll have a butt. Give you some of mine. Got some despair.

So we've got coach Hank and his wife in the parking lot who I love that the town coach comes to the biker bar to drink. Yeah. Like it also later some like high school jocks show up and I thought, what is this place? It seems like it's like Lou's little corner bar. Yeah. Only bar around. Yeah. You're just, you're not welcome there, but you're, you're but you showed up anyway. Yeah, and they're not gonna kick you out. Nah.

So the bikers go out and they're shooting the vamps, but of course it doesn't do anything. It does not stop them from doing it for the entire rest of the film. Sure. The only thing that seems to work is blowing their head off with a shotgun. Yes.

But I love when the bikers go out there because they're shooting up the vampires and we're only getting it from the perspective of the people watching. And at some point someone's like, God, this would be expensive to shoot. Yeah. They're like, um, that vampire just threw a motorcycle. And we do get a slow motion decapitation floating in front of them. Yes, we do. Yeah. There's a joke about not having the budget for it. Someone also says we might be creatures of the night,

but it's not blood we're looking to suck. I thought, Oh my clutches pearls. I mean, they gave you what ass pussy out of the gate. You knew where, which direction we were heading. So they're, they're like, Oh oh, well, they can't come in if you don't invite them in. I love this bit. And then there's a neon sign on the front of the building that says, come on in, cold beer.

Come on in, the beer's chilling. The beer's chilling. I also sort of like the take of redneck vampires. It's a fun take on redneck zombies, which I feel like is a much more common trope. I really like these sort of just like, I don't know. Some of them look a little more art punk than redneck, but you know, they're doing their best. There's a few mullet wigs and a few fashion mullets

that are also in there. That's a tasteful mullet. I believe that is your mullet. Not a single one looks like Jason Patrick. Also very funny. And someone also references that foot fetish movie leave that as your mullet. Not a single one looks like Jason Patrick. Also very funny. And someone also references that foot fetish movie and someone else goes, Oh, from dusk till dawn is a foot fetish movie.

100%. We get Earl chained in the door and being stalked by someone in the back of the building. Better leave Earl alone. They don't. No. Travis is a real dick. Won't stop being a fucking homophobe. No, he sucks. Yeah. He's a real piece of shit.

There's a weapon montage and then one of the vampires looks like Kid Rock. Did you see that Kid Rock is dating Lauren Bobert now or something? Yeah, I think I saw it on Reddit this morning. God bless them. Yeah. May their children be children. It's funny, you thought he looked like Kid Rock. I thought he looked like Bret Michaels. That's what Rob said too.

Yeah. But see, he's in Pittsburgh zone. I can't drag him like that. Do you think he doesn't know that we know that he doesn't have hair? If you watched his dating show, any of the three seasons of rock of love where I'm just here for Brett, every time he was in like an intimate situation or even just lounging around, he still had the bandana on. So no, I think he thinks we don't know.

I heard a story recently about a younger LL Cool J being on tour and they all went to the beach one day and LL goes into the water with a kangle on. Of course. And swims out, dives under, comes back up. Before he comes out of the water, he's coming up and putting the kangle back on. That's incredible. You have to admire that dedication. I'm not that dedicated to my child, you know?

Just, I mean, it's just bald. Who gives a shit? Yeah, also, we know you're bald. Like, that Kangol hat isn't hiding it. No. No. And also, you know, you're still a beautiful man. I like a bald man.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so Earl does get bit. Earl gets bit, but hides it from everyone. Yeah. Yeah.

Which I appreciate. You always need one of those. Sure. Sorry, my notes skipped down. Yeah. My notes are all... The thing about this movie is that very little happens. Sure. But in the weapons montage, we do get someone putting a high heel on a pool cue. Yeah. Which was funny. You like that?

Yeah. Yeah. It's cute. It's a good stabber. Yeah. Yeah. Stiletto and all. Could not wear this. Yeah. Um, so all of is like going to leave. They're just out of there. They're not, they're not putting up with this shit anymore. No. And no one else goes with them. I can't remember how she gets out of that situation though of being in the van and the vampires are trying to get like Rufus is trying to get into the camper. Oh, because it's a little bit where the vampire is like, this is a vehicle and she's like, actually it's my home. So he can't come in. It's a mobile home, yeah. Oh man. Sheila has a line that I really like, which is, do vampires still grow fangs if they ain't

got no teeth to begin with? I thought, that's a great question. It really is. Like, do they? Yeah, are your vampire teeth just your teeth but sharp? I would hope that if I became a vampire, my front teeth would straighten out. You think vampirism is going to give you good orthodontia? When you say it like that, I realize it was foolish.

Well, fuck it then. I mean, I can't, I mean, I've got a tooth that hides behind another tooth. So, and I had braces for four years. I never had braces because I was poor. Well, there's still time. I, you know, that's what my dentist says. And I say, Oh, thank you. I'm not getting braces.

Um, but in this movie, vampires just chat. They just like, they just like, they down for a minute to have a little talk. They just have a little chitty chat. Very strange. There's a great scene where Mama Soufflé hits one of the vampires in the face with a bowling ball. And we just get their two fangs flying at the screen, which I thought was funny.

Yeah, I feel like this movie was meant to be in 3D, but they just like couldn't get it together. There's a scene where someone kills a vampire and then the vampire sparkle dust goes into their mouth. Yes, glitter is the herpes of the drag world, we're told at that point. Because it's everywhere? I think you can't get rid of glitter.

You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it. Someone dies by garlic bread? There's like Chekhov's garlic bread in this movie, which is odd. So silly. Not a good weapon. Not a good weapon. Although I guess in Monster Squad he does put pizza on Dracula's face. That's a great weapon.

Yeah, pizza. Pizza. Yeah, like our new pope. I'm going to look up what his actual name is because I just somehow don't believe you. Possible popes. Pope short list. I'm going to look up pope short list. I just somehow don't believe you. Possible popes. Pope shortlist. I'm gonna look up Pope shortlist. I wish you had said possible pope. God, I don't say that because it's fucking racist. Here are the contenders to watch.

Are you on like a Vegas betting website? Oh, there's no pizza guy on this list. Oh no. Well, he's not one of the top contenders. I got bad news for you. Pizza man. Pizza. Oh, here's the top 10 front runners. It's gotta be on this list.

It could have just been someone making a racist joke on Reddit, too. Hold on. There's a Zuppie. No. No. No, no pizza man. All right. You cannot, you're fucking racists, man. You hear this shit and you believe it. I fell for the internet once again. Why is it still okay

to be racist against Italian Americans? I don't know. I don't know, man. Sucks. How will I ever get ahead in this world? I'm a double whammy, a woman and an Italian American. After the bread kill with the garlic bread, I believe it is Robin Banks who said, oh no, it is Bella who said that the vampire are celiacs. Oh, right, right, right There's an I've written here the eyeball bit is funny and I remember liking it but I don't remember what the eyeball bit was Somebody stabs. Oh, it's the

The one of the young fans is using forks as a weapon and sticks a fork in someone's eye and then pulls it out and has It on the end of their fork. And it's like, yeah, that's funny. But very excited that they get to kill somebody with their forks. When we get back out to the bar, we see that there's a, like a young Asian male buff vampire. And I thought, what were you doing in this bar? What are you doing in this bar? I don't know. Bella gets gut stabbed at one point?

Yes, because these vampires use knives too. They're not just here to bite you, they're here to kill you in any way they can. And they made a statement that they're not here to turn anybody, they're just here to kill. Right, they're not planning on making any more. Yeah. Why? So everyone's sad because Bella has been stabbed.

Yeah. And then Bella dies. Bella dies. And while Bella is dying is when we get Olive going away on the bike riding out for help. Olive is just cannot be part of the team. No. Not a team player.

Not learning about sisterhood. Gotta learn about the sisterhood. Yeah. Let's go be girls. Let's go be girls. So Earl finally turns. We see Earl turning. Yeah. He's upset about it and won't let himself turn fully.

Right. He like goes to bite but doesn't. How do you feel about this conceit of this film that if you were a good person, you're a good vampire? I think it's cute. I think this, I mean, like while they're fighting, while they're fighting these vampires, they're hashing out their interpersonal issues, which makes no fucking sense.

And there's a lot of like, there's like a speech about how hatred is more exhausting than having hope, you know, just really like, we're gonna get into the fields in this. So I think it fits with the movie. Yeah. Yeah. As like bad as it is.

Yeah. I mean, when we get the whole thing with Mama Soufflé and Dusty where Dusty admits that they'd always, he'd always wanted to do drag and like, well, why didn't you? And it's because basically my dad beat me when he found me wearing my dad's belt buckle or something. Yeah. when I was five years old Yeah Fuckin that's such a dark tonal shift for this movie. Oh My god, and then we're like right right around we get another Subaru lesbian joke. I love a Subaru lesbian joke. I

Do I know that's so funny. So yeah I do. I know. That's so funny. So yeah, uh, there, there, uh, we get this like running theme of Steven and Robin banks are about to kiss, but every time they're about to kiss, somebody interrupts them. It's just, I could, every time the two of them were on screen, I was like, come on, come on, come on, come on back to the vampires. Come on, come on, come on. And then the hilarious college shock vampires show up. And then we see this lady biker with like long dark hair and a blue bandana tied

around her. Where the fuck did she come from? I had this is three quarters of the way into the movie. I'd never seen her before. Oh man. She looked like Elijah Dushku. She did look like Elijah Dushku of Bring It On fame. Was she in the movie prior to this scene? Thank you. Thank you. Just a stunt performer who came in to do this. Yeah. She does a great job.

Yeah. Earl's got bubble guts. Because he ate a rat? He chomps a rat. Yeah. Oh my God. And then, and then to everyone's joy, Bella comes back from the dead. You just see that she's got this like big, tall Dr. Susie and blue ponytail that you sort of see

like sneak up behind this person. And then she choke slams them and does a stiletto stomp and says something about consent, bitch. Then she goes, it does a costume change. It comes back as the drag version of Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula. Yeah. And it's fucking hilarious.

Good thing she brought that. Yeah. Meanwhile, they do a little like makeover montage on Dusty. Oh my God. I mean. It's so wild. It's wild. And then I was like, oh yeah, the bicycle one

because she's riding back on the bicycle. Also, they had time to dye both Dusty's hair and beard. That was wild. You don't think those were wigs and beard wigs? Face wigs? Face wigs? Face mercans? So Sheila's a vampire as well.

The beloved Sheila. Yes. She's been turned because she didn't bother blocking up the window and eventually got bit by somebody. Oh, right. We see a lot of her just looking out the window. Is it bit? It bites her boob off, right? I think it just like, Oh no, no, no. Later someone tries to stake her in the titty, but it doesn't go through her fake food. Oh, right. Right, right, right. It goes into her, uh, her implant. Yeah. Yeah. She let us instruct me as an implants kind of woman. That's silly. Sheila doesn't strike me as an implants kind of woman.

You never know. You never can tell. So we get a scene of Olive and the OG masked vampire fighting in the woods. Yeah, the OG vampire like clotheslines Olive off the bike and it looks pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this one, also this vampire doesn't chitchat,

it just makes animal noises. And I was like, Oh, are they going to kill that vampire? And then all the other vampires will be free. I mean, canonically that's what should happen. Right. All of the lost boys. Yeah. But that's not what happens. That's not what happens. No, they killed this empire. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. He goes out pretty easily. Yeah. With the Chekhov's pin. Yes, the Chekhovian pin.

Yeah, and then Olive grabs like four bulbs of garlic and heads back. Just about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is when we get the holy water, or not holy water, the garlic water sprinklers. That's how they do it, that's right, that's right. She put the garlic into the cistern and then the garlic water sprinklers. That's how they do it. That's right.

That's right. She put the garlic into the cistern and then sets off the sprinklers. And somebody stakes Earl, but I'm not sure who. He gets staked by one of the vampires. Oh, what a fucking piece of shit. And then they try to stake Sheila, but that's when they hit her in the implant.

Yep. Fucker got me in the titty. That's a line from this movie. Here I've written, check out sprinklers! My last note is I'm gonna need a new titty. Yeah. And then there's like a there's like a scene of them like getting into the van and being like okay we've got another show down the street. Yeah now Olive gets to choreograph. Her bad behavior is being rewarded here,

which is totally not right. Well, she's learned the meaning of sisterhood. I guess. And there's a really long goodbye. It just, oh God, I hate a long goodbye. And that is Tubi's Sleigh. Holy ghost. Katie.

This should have been a short film. I realized they couldn't have gotten all the wisecracks into a short film. Sure. All the puns, all the drag queen stuff. Nonstop one-liners. Yeah. But it was way too long for what it was.

Holy ghost. Nothing happens. It's just like vampire fighting and one liners. What did you think of this movie? Uh, I'm going to give this movie a seven. Oh, I didn't rate it. I'm sorry. I'm gonna give it a six and a half. Oh, okay. Uh, I found it really enjoyable. Um, even though the acting was the character, the people themselves were so enjoyable and so fun to watch.

They did seem like they were having a good time. Yeah. Uh, and like I think I'm just desperate for any kind of like positivity and people helping each other out. Yeah. Even just levity in this fucking world. Yeah. So that felt real nice. Cause this whole everything else is. You know what they say? What? The world is a vampire. Set to drain. That little bald weirdo. Fuck, I mean, talk about pieces of shit.

He runs a wrestling promotion. Yeah, I heard he's really, really shitty. Negative for him. He's been on Alex Jones' show multiple times. Negative for him. Negative for him. As we all know, there is only one good wrestling promoter in the world and that's our friend Kurt of Enjoy Wrestling and also his co-promoters.

They're also nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 100 P. Hard to agree. We did mail back at the top. Can we read a review? Oh my God. Can we? Can we? I just want to be very clear that Alan texted me a picture of this and said, the perfect review doesn't exist. Oh, wait. Would you like to read it? May I? You may. Oh, thank you so much. Let me just pull this up.

I have it saved in my phone. Yeah. This is a one-star review. One-star review. Headline, disturbing. When you ask what's wrong with America, question mark, start here. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Two idiots who fill their minds with nonstop images of people being slaughtered and laughing about it. It's time to bring shame back. Love that implicit threat. That's thanks to Dominic Hendricks. Hendricks with a Y. Dominic, is that your real name? Cause if so, one, props to you for citing your name to it.

Two, you dumb. This is funny. Why would you listen to a horror movie podcast? It says horror movie comedy podcast. So there's gonna be slaughtering and there's gonna be laughing. Are we really, what's wrong with America? I hope so. I genuinely think we should get that printed on a t-shirt. 100%. All right.

I'll buy it. I might get, Oh, Alan, you know, we've long talked about getting a werewolf ambulance tattoo. What if we got this review just on the back of our calves? I can never wear a skirt to work again. I'll get it like a side poem. Okay. With praying hands, maybe. Can the praying hands be wearing all the Steelers Super Bowl rings? I'm sorry. This is getting away from me, but it will have a single star on each hand. Yes. Okay. Yeah. All right. But it will have a single star on each hand. Yes. Okay, yeah.

All right. Oh, thank you so much, Dom. Thank you so much, because honestly, that made my whole night. I know it fucks up our algorithm, it drops us down the charts, it's harder for people to find us when we get one star reviews, but that one, mwah!

Imagine being in a world where there's an autocratic, fascist takeover of the country you live in. Yeah. And you think what's wrong with America is to ding-dongs in Pittsburgh. Yeah. Laughing about people getting killed. In movies.

In movies. Fake fictional characters getting killed. Sir? Bananas. Bless your heart. I can't wait to look up this person and see what else they've reviewed. Yeah, and Dominic, I know you're listening,

so thanks so much. Thanks so much for the joy that it brought me. All of our one-star reviewers, they stick around. Do you think so? Oh yeah, there was that one guy that kept changing his one-star review. Oh yeah, but then when I called him out on Twitter, he was super apologetic about it.

Bring back shame. Maybe Dominic is right. Oh, speaking of shame, Katie, what are we going to do next week for a movie? We are going to do a movie of your choosing. Nope. It was of your choosing. Oh yeah. It was because you said you didn't want to have any more. Um, and you didn't think you could handle another, um, what's his name? Dookie flies water. And I said, well, what about blood diner? And you said't think you could handle another, what's his name? Dooky Fly Swatter. Dooky Fly Swatter.

And I said, well, what about Blood Diner? And you said, okay. Ha ha ha ha. The thing I love about our dynamic is if you suggest something, I'm like, yeah, that's fine. Why do you let me get away with so much trash? Because I love you and I want you to be happy. Well, you too, but I don't give you this much leeway.

I do though, don't I? I do. Yeah. Because there's no fucking stakes. No, the stakes are zero. So it's just two bros hanging out. We've also gotten a ton of requests for blood diner and it looks like it's available on to be who's still not fucking sponsoring us even though we're giving them all this money. Shutter wouldn't do it either. No.

So come back next week for blood diner. Don't accidentally watch blood dinner. Is that a different movie? I don't know it either. No. So come back next week for Blood Diner. Don't accidentally watch Blood Dinner. Is that a different movie? I don't know. Probably should be. Copyright, copyright, copyright. It's like that Atlantic Pacific Rim, Atlantic Rim thing or transmorphers instead of transformers. Dude, I have to tell you a funny story real quick.

So Vicki and I were flying on a plane together and she was quickly downloading a movie to watch beforehand and she chose the twisters and I was like bro that's not twisters that's like a fucking knock off and she was like oh yeah I know and she watched it on the way home she got like 90% of the way through and then just like locked her phone and sat there silently for a while. She thinks to contemplate after watching The Twisters. The Twisters. The Twisters. Yeah, she was like, like I was stupid.

Oh yeah, dum dum, of course. Doy. Anyway, blood diner. Blood diner. So, much love to blunt little lesbianist and Amber. Hope everything's going well. Yeah. Let us know on the discord, um, what the outcome was and then we can all celebrate you or comfort you. Yeah. However this breaks, we're here for you either way. Yeah. Go find shirts and shit. They're on the internet. You guys know this. Patreon.com back social

world, family meals, and just like fucking be nice to each other. Guys, we're all out here struggling. A hundred percent. and I also wanted to say if Because of the political climate of everything being so fucked up I didn't run this by Katie if she doesn't like it all delete it But if you're doing something activist wise and you want us to give us a shout out we would love to Broadcast whatever is you're doing to try and get more eyes on things happy to use our platform And if you go to our link tree, there's a bunch of stuff that you can go and donate to, um,

and try to help people lead better lives. But if you want to do that, get at us on our email because we don't check other places. So don't DM us on Instagram, don't DM us on Twitter or whatever. I'm not, we're not going to see it. So we're all family on the gmail.com. Alan and I are taken back the old ways. Smart. Yeah. Or a PO box five, five, four, seven, one. No. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That's not right. I think it's five, four, seven, one. Oh, DM, you're right. I'm so wrong. Pittsburgh PA one five two oh six.

Yeah. So you can send stuff there too. Yeah. Uh, so I four, seven, one, or you can leave us a voicemail at four one two four oh seven. Oh no. Fuck. No, no, no. I need to get it. Don't I'm not seven oh two five. I was right. Four one two four oh seven seven oh two five. Hell yeah. Shove it up my ass. All right. We got to get out of here. Yeah, I'm done. I got to edit this fucker. I'm sorry. bye! Don't be sorry. Thank you for listening to another episode of Werewolf Family. Were you gonna clap us out?

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