Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 517- Nosferatu (2024)

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

In this week's episode, we're discussing what I have roughly calculated as our 24th vampire movie, the 2024 Robert Eggers fim "Nosferatu." Special topics for your consideration include: a fake Dracula dick and all the things a Dracula might do with it, unfinished jokes, Skarsgard erasure, unwanted guests, being a book boy, and the things men will do. You can look up the other 23 vampire movies we've done wherever you're listening to this, so in the meantime, get yourself some more Nicholas Hoult! He was in Episode 267- "Warm Bodies," Episode 415- "The Menu," and Episode 438- "Renfield." And, bonus! If you're a Patrón, you can listen to Episode 37 on our Patreon, "Mad Max: Fury Road." The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. We're back this month with an action movie voted on by our members and it's sure to be a doozy. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow.   Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

The thing about this movie is... Men really will do anything for pussy. Even like, even like, like, theoretical pussy. Yes! Like, non actually touched pussy. Me like, concept of pussy. Conceptual pussy, that's what I'm going for. Conceptual pussy, yeah.

This is... Oh, by the way, I'm Alan. I'm Katie. We haven't done this in six years. We're doing Nosferatu, the one where you see Nosferatu's dick. I don't think that's a real dick. I don't. It's a real Nosferatu dick. I mean, that's true.

I've never seen a Nosferatu dick. Or Coxferatu. I think this may be our horniest movie. That's also our least sexy movie. Strong agree. So fucking horny. Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula or Bram Stoker's Dracula. Very horny. But also kind of sexy. I mean. Monica Bellucci bites Keanu Reeves' dick. Okay, yes, that's sexy. You're right. You're right. That should one of the Oscar for sexy biting. Beating out cat woman for the 10th year in a row.

But this movie is just like, Oh, I'm so horny. Yeah. It's really the, just a frustrated incel of a film. My first note says, chill out on the wedding, bro. You just met. Because he's doing that whole like you and me forever voice and monologue. It's just fucking Peter Steele from Romania. That's a joke for a couple of people. I didn't even know whether to go like I knew what it meant. You know, the singer for typo negative.

No, I need me a typo negative song. Oh, no. No. Oh, black number one was probably there. Sing it for me. Black, black, black, black. It was- Back it up. Yes, Peter Steele, the fabulous Thunderbirds.

I love the typo negative, too obscure. Fabulous Thunderbirds, on it, the fabulous Thunderbirds. I love the typo negative. Too obscure. Fabulous Thunderbirds on it. Let's do this. Everybody knows that song. Nobody knows it's the fabulous Thunderbirds, except you and our listeners, because it's not the first time it's come up. But yes, this, this movie is just, I mean, arguably irreparably horny. Irreparably horny. It literally kills people. Yeah, this is a real moral lesson about the dangers of being horny.

Don't be a young, lonely, horny woman. Well, like, did you know that you could summon a demon to fuck them? Because if people knew that, they'd probably be doing it all the time. Isn't that what Tinder is? Mm-hmm. I don't know if that's a demon or a Karen or...

I have no idea. Who's on Tinder? If you're on Tinder, get in touch. Yeah, tell us what it's like. I've never been on a dating app. No, me either. Yeah. Ugh, nightmare shit.

I can't imagine, like, I feel like I could sell myself if I'm in a room with you and we're chatting. Your charming is all get out. I got that Riz. You got that Riz. Riz for days. But like trying to like e-sell myself to somebody.

See, I think it's vice versa for me where I can e-sell myself really well, and then once you meet me, you're gonna be like, I don't think this is gonna work. I think you're underselling yourself because having met you, I'm a huge think this is going to work. I think you're underselling yourself. I don't know. Maybe. Having met you, I'm a huge fan. We need to do.

I do the online bit, and then you do the in-person bit. Oh, real, what is that, Cyrano de Bergerac or whatever? My god. I thought you were going to say, like, I don't know, MTV's Catfish or something that has relevance to the last century. I'm sorry. Steve Martin's Roxanne starring Daryl Hannah and Steve Martin. I've never. Uh, uh, Steve Martin's Roxanne staring

Darrell Hannah and Steve Martin. I've never seen that. Any good? I mean, it's, it's a retailing of Sarah. No diversion. Okay, let's move on. I don't know why I wasn't expecting jump scares in this movie. Got me a jump scare. Sure. Yeah. I forgot it was Robert Eggers and he does some good jump scares in the vivid. He does. He does. And I think they are maybe in the lighthouse, but I have really blocked that movie. Yeah.

Once I found out he wouldn't let Robert Pattinson masturbate on screen, I was just like, I don't know about this movie anymore. Well, that really changes your opinion of things. The things you could have let us have, Robert Eggers. He said no to that? He said it was too much. I mean, you gotta get a rating, you know?

I think it was going to be, if I remember correctly, it was going to be like the lighthouse was then going to turn into his penis or something. Wow. What a great fade. I really love the old timey, uh, studio logos at the beginning of this. Yeah. The universal studios logo. It's really cute. studio logos at the beginning of this. Yeah, the Universal Studios logo. It's really cute. He's gonna get me every time because he's a stickler

for like atmosphere and that's gonna win me over. And just good details. Yeah. So we open on a woman crying. Like you do. Cause you're a woman in the 1800s. All you must do is wash dishes and weep. Even if you're apparently uber rich, which is still poor. In the 1800s, all you must do is wash dishes and weep. I think.

Even if you're apparently uber rich, which is still poor. Yeah, they seemed wealthy, but not wealthy enough. Cause they were in color. So that's how you knew they were wealthier. It's like that Jane Austen shit where they're like, we don't have any money except for this mansion that we live in. Yes. And these are the traffic and meals that we eat.

It's like I live all by myself, except for my butler. Rich people, what are you doing? What you doing? What's it like? So she starts talking to a demon and it's talking back. Yeah, and he's talking about marriage, which I thought was a bit soon. Yeah, it was also a bit soon for her

to have an orgasm seizure. Yeah, is that what that was? She's like, she's, she's, and then she's seizing and you're like, Robert Eggers. I didn't know that could happen. Why do you have to make me fear this? Just kidding, we all know the female orgasm is a myth.

Oh, but it's fucking gorgeous. Holy shit. Yeah. It looks great. Yeah. I'll quote a friend of mine. She wakes up. Yeah. With a friend of the podcast, Nicholas Hold. Yeah. Not our friend, but we're just fans. Yeah. Yeah. Love that guy. Good guy. Good in every, makes everything better. He loves being in a Dracula movie apparently. Yeah. Yeah. You're right about that. Yeah. and Mad Max, Fury Road, remember? Wasn't he one of the war boys? Uh, see, I remember something from a Patreon movie. I feel like that should earn me some sort of point somewhere. And point for Katie. Thank you. He's going to work and she's trying to get him to stay and she says, take off your shoes. And I was like,

oh yeah, that's what I'm going to start saying to men. Take off your shoes. That's where their dicks are. That's how you really get a man. Take off your shoes. It's right after their honeymoon. Right. And she's still real horned up. Yeah. She said the honeymoon wasn't enough fucking. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, she is Lily Rose dip. Yeah. I was just looking at a note that I wrote that said, you know, sometimes I write the beginning of a joke and then I think I'll write the end later and I don't.

This one just says with cheekbones like those who needs, who needs what Alan? I kept thinking that she looked like a living death mask. Who way that he's like pulled like her hair is pulled way back on her forehead. Yeah. She's got a very, very far back hairline. And she just looks like a death mask, which always have like a really big forehead. She's also won, won as fuck. Yeah. So pale. Yeah. She's like James won. Yeah.

So in this Dickensian city that they look, they live in, which is in Germany in 1838, you can get into a cow traffic jam on the way to work. You sure can. And he works for estate agents. Right, Knock and associates. Yeah, yeah. He's late and the boss doesn't mind at all.

Why is that? Oh, cause later on we find out he is the Renfield in this field. I kept calling him Bunko Richard Dreyfuss. 100%. Okay. Thank you. Maybe 200%. Thank you.

I kept trying to call everybody by their Dracula names. Yes. I was like, Oh, well, Jonathan's going to Thomas is going to work. Yes. It's I mean, they change the names. I don't know why it's fine. Yeah. Change the name, change the location. That should be fine. The state will never come after us. Do you believe in Providence? Providence, how many times can this man say

Providence? A lot, a lot, a lot. Cause he thinks it's providential that he was late today because it gave him the hair knock time to work on things. Yes. And he's gonna send him to a foreign count, Count Orlok. Count Orlok, which the travel instructions are like, you go until you can't go anymore, and that's where it is. I really liked that just uttering Count Orlok's name

brought on like a tumult of rain. Yeah. I was like, this is good. Orlok is a great name. Sure, yeah. Maybe arguably better than Dracula. Oh, way better than Dracula. Yeah.

Here's the thing I think is that all vampires are Dracula's, but this guy's not a Dracula, he's something else. Right, no. He's a Tallman. He's a Tallman. He's a Tallman. And no one told me there'd be a Skarsgard in this. Yeah, but like, it's the least amount of Skarsgard you're getting out of a Skarsgard.

You're right, it's just a tiny sliver of Skarsgard. Yeah. There's a lot on top of that Skarsgard. Yeah. He's doing real funny voice. His accent is, Mwah! I can only assume because it's Robert Eggers that it is spot on for someone that he met at some point from Romania.

I'm sure. I met the man with the deepest voice on earth. It was basically Tony Todd from Romania. Yes, it was Tony Todd mixed with Ralph Innocent, who will also be in this film. Deep voiced motherfucker, six foot four ass. Six foot four. Three or four. That's not right.

Yeah. Why? I don't know. You just got tall man defensive. You're here. You're just like fronted at me a little bit. That's a six foot two men. Six foot two. That's fine. You're a six foot two vegetarian. That's fine. Any bigger than you. We're talking, I don't know. They just become unwieldy at that point. Yeah. How do you go anywhere?

So Thomas is making plans to have a babysitter for his wife while he's gone. Yeah. She has to stay with other people because she can't be alone. She's got fits. She's got fits. And when he gets home, she's had, she's like telling him about a bad dream about a wedding. Oh my God. so good. I'd never been so happy as that moment when I held hands with death. This is like the first of many

great lines in this movie. It was just like so creepy. All of Bauhaus was like, huh, what's this now? And as soon as she says this, she's sobbing, she's weeping like a child. Her husband goes, never speak these things aloud. I was like, how many men have said that to me a lot? Just don't ever say that again. We felt old timey shush girl. Shush girl, no, no. You don't want to say that outside. No.

So we go to, we meet Frederick and Anna. Yes. Are they friends? Are they family? I'm not sure. It seems that they are both friends of the couple, but not necessarily. They're friends of like Frederick is friends with Thomas and Anna is friends with Ellen. Right. But they don't seem that they don't seem to cross-pollinate

in their friendships. No, it's girls, girls are girls on one side, boys on the other. Let's go meet girls. So while they're being girls, they're dressed like, they're going to the fanciest party you've ever been to. That sucks. If I'm going over to my friend's house, just for a little bit, sweat pants, sweat pants, all day. I'm currently wearing gym shorts. I have real shorts on,

but only because it was my first opportunity this year to do so. Okay. Otherwise, I'm usually in sweatpants. So we also meet Anna and Frederick's children and I was like, Oh, this is a Robert Eggers movie and kids are dead. Those kids are going to die. I'm gonna watch those kids die. And you sure do.

Why does Robert Eggers love to kill a child? Oh man. I still think about in the Vivich when he pulps that baby. And I was just like, I've never seen that before. God bless you. That's beautiful. I had been using a soap, like that was a liquid body wash. That was like a red, a red raspberry, something. I threw it away cause they bathe in that, that baby pulp. And I thought this feels like baby pulp.

I got new soap. That is a lot of effort for me. You know? You can't bathe in baby pulp. No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't. I mean, you can't. Unless you need to fly.

Do you need to fly? Then you want to bathe in baby pulp. I mean, I'd love to live deliciously. Sure, yeah. Who doesn't like butter? I love butter. In this scene, we learn that Frederick has always been a rutting goat

because Anna is pregnant again. Yeah. He's like, I do love to fuck. Speaking of handsome gentlemen. You like that guy? Yeah, he's a good looking dude. You think so? Yeah, no?

I mean, I think so, but he's got that look of nothing behind the eyes. Sure, yeah. Okay. I can fix him. Why do we always have to do this? We gotta get your therapist on the horn. And then they just like fuck on their friend's parlor floor,

I guess? They went upstairs though. You can't just fuck on your friend's parlor floor, or can you? I don't remember being 16. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Gross. You can't just fuck on your friend's parlor floor or can you? I don't remember being 16. Gross. So, Deq, she goes home after, or no, she goes upstairs after they fuck and cuts some of her hair to put in a locket, as you do.

Well, this is how I want Vicky to wear my tooth after I'm dead. You know this? Yes. Okay, good. And that's cut in with finding out that Orla, or a hair knock is definitely in league with Satan. Yes. He's doing a cold shit on the floor. Yeah. He's old naked, bunko Richard Dreyfuss and a bunch of candles. Man, what I love for this three actual Richard Dreyfuss.

I so strongly agree. I feel like he would chew it, chew up the scenery. Oh my God, so good. But don't worry, a chewing is a coming. Yes, it sure is. So rather than taking a boat and a train as you do in a normal Dracula, he just hops on a horse, Thomas does. Does his horse take him all the way there

and not just to like a train station is a note that I have written to myself? All the way there. all the way there. And he at some point walks onto the set of the witch that Robert Eggers still had set up in his backyard. I presume. I assume this was filmed in Romania, but it's probably just Robert Eggers backyard. Yeah, for sure. I made it look like Romania. There's a band playing him into town. I love this idea.

Like if we just stood at the exit of the Fort Pitt bridge playing songs from our band, I'll give you something to cry about. Just watching the cars turn around back to the airport, which arguably is what he should have done because these who are like mean mugging him while they're playing to him. Yeah. And then they all start laughing. Yeah. At him. Why are they laughing at him?

I mean, kind of looks like a dildo. He does look a bit like a dildo. A very good looking dildo. Yeah. Yeah. But like this, like the guy who looks like the guy who played the devil in The Witch. He was like, his gorgeous smile, just standing on the porch, starts laughing at him.

And I was like, Oh man, a hotter dude is laughing at you right now. You're probably bummed. See, this was my fear about teens was that they were always laughing at me, you know, until I realized I was actually invisible. It's the beauty of it. Yeah. Someone better looking than you laughing at you is literally the worst thing that could happen to you. You could be in North Korea, you could be in a volcano. These are better than someone prettier than you laughing at you. You could be in North Korea. You could be in a volcano. These are better than someone

prettier than you laughing at you. Somebody demonstrably pretty, like opinion based. Right. No, like someone who's objectively more beautiful than you. Catherine Zeta Jones just rolls up and points at you and laughs. You just catch on fire. Heidi Klum just cackling in your face. Even dressed as a fucking worm. I'd rather be dead. I'd rather be dead. I could live in a volcano. So this is a village of Romani.

Yes. And they're like, you can't stay here. All right, I'll be at a couple bucks. Anyway, get me a pair. All right, come on. And then we get the harbinger lady who's like, don't go. Just don't go, dude. This lady has seen some shit. Like what even is that hat?

I don't know. And Nicholas Holt is also tall. So everyone else looks like they're four foot tall. That's true. Yeah. She tells the whole thing about like you'll be trapped in his shadow. Essentially. She already knows she knows she lives here. This is her neighborhood. And I love this because there's all sorts of stuff about like Romanian fairy tales and folktales about like shadow people and like the vampire myth being wrapped up in that. Okay.

Dude did his homework, I appreciate him. Always does. Yeah. He's a book boy. Yeah. You like that. I do. You like a book boy.

As a book boy, I like a book takes one to know I was reading a book when you showed up tonight Me too, but I was also driving super dangerous. I'm also a book boy. I mean you gotta get it in when you can I have very little time So she tells him all this and then just walks away and I was like, well, I hope he got all that but it doesn't matter it's immediately out of his mind because So she tells him all this and then just walks away and I was like, well, I hope he got all that. But it doesn't matter. It's immediately out of his mind because there's a little procession coming through.

Yeah. He wakes up to a little folk horror. Yeah. Bless this virgin child. Yeah. I wrote, is this riding bareback? LOL. LOL.

No, I hate myself. I hate myself. A young, uh, of, of, as we're told, Virgin is raw dog and a horse code into the woods. Yep. Just bouncing up and down. Yeah. Uh, and it's like, it's a bummer. There will be no titty bell at this. No, this season, there's no, there's no happy titties in this. There's a bunch of titties in this movie. None of them are happy. No, they're all the saddest titties ever.

No joyous titties. But they're not gonna sacrifice her. They just gotta roll out with her to the vampire's grave that they're going to. And why is that? It's part of the ritual. It's like some, again, it's like, I was looking at like Reddit had like a list

of the Romanian folklore reference. Oh, cool. And like the naked virgin on a horse is some aspect of this as well. Okay. Um, uh, so maybe Dracula just wants to see your titties. Like, he's just like, I want to see some good titties. Bring me your best, bring me the town's best titties. Listen, I don't want them to be sagging at all.

No saggy tits. I take one of your kids. It turns out Dracula, realeled into barely legal pornography. Yeah. I mean, that comes to pass later, right? Real scumbag. Real scumbag is Count Orlok. But they opened the casket. The vampire that's in there looks fucking fantastic.

So good. I love that the vampires in this don't have fangs. No, they just are sort of knobby. Yeah. They're really knobby. They're like, you know, the whole thing about like people thought that corpses were vampires because their teeth got longer.

Yeah. Because your gums recede. Yeah, yeah. And their hair would look like it would grow because your scalp recedes and all that stuff. So like they just have bigger teeth. Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool.

He also has an extra finger joint. Yeah. I like that a lot. Yeah. For picking up stuff. I would He also has an extra finger joint. Yeah. I like that a lot. Yeah, for picking up stuff. I would love more finger joints. I would fucking shred. Can you imagine how sweet you'd be at whaling?

Why would another knuckle make you better at whaling? I don't know, I'm shit at guitar. I don't know, I don't know. I just feel like you'd have so much more speed. You could solo, so you'd be like the Kirk Hammett of your day. I'll take all those extra knuckles and just put them into one extra finger.

So I've got even more fingers for hot legs. Wow. A finger of all knuckles. Yeah. I mean, isn't that what a finger is? I mean, mine has stuff in the middle, bones. That's just the long knuckle. I'm not a doctor. No, no. Where's Vicky when you need her?

But so he sees, he witnesses them stab this vampire, which makes gouts of blood fly out of him. Yeah. And Thomas goes, Oh shit, or whatever. Yeah. And then wakes up in his bed with mud on his shoes. Oh God, the real terror in this movie is Eastern Europe. It's just too old.

It's too old and too scary. Said like the best of America. Look, I am what's wrong with America. It's written down. I think, yeah, it's old Europe and it's Sunamble-ism, are the two worst things about this country. Did you ever sleepwalk? No. I did for a little while in my 20s.

I did the most rank shit while I was sleeping Yeah, that's not true. I did once when I was sick Oh really cuz I got up and pissed in my family's clothes hamper. Oh, wow I just had like a really high fever or something. Oh poor baby. Yeah, I was 33 So it was missy's hamper No, I think I was like six or seven. Yeah. So, but, but I really, again, everything about this, I'm fucking adoring it. The scenery is beautiful. All the shot, like the, he,

he, they take his horse. Everybody's gone in the morning and they've stolen his horse, which I appreciate. Yeah. And cause they're like fucking dork. I'm taking his horse. That's right. What they were laughing at. They were like, that horse is ours. And so he walks to, to Dracula's, to Nosferatu's account of Orlux. And there's that shot where he gets to the crossroads and it's just like black forests, moonlight, snow, illuminate, or the crossroads are like negative speed.

It's just fucking phenomenal. It's beautiful. And then the horse is rolling up on him and like doing a jump scare. But then when he actually focuses on what's happening, he can just walk into the carriage. There's no horse in front of him. And the carriage, the door opens, but it's so dark.

You can't see the door opening except for the shadow on the ground, which I liked quite a bit There's a lot of shadow work. It's very spooky. Very very spooky and it's like a dream at this point Yeah. Yeah, he gets in the carriage which is being taken by nothing. Yeah, and then is chased by goddamn wolves goddamn wolves He gets our Orlok starts chatting about punctuality and then is chased by goddamn wolves. God damn wolves. He gets there, Orlok starts chatting about punctuality. Just a fucking piece of shit. He's a dick from the job.

I mean, I guess Dracula kind of is too. He's never like a great pal. Look, I'm having beers with Dracula. Well, he doesn't drink wine. Wine. And he was just, he's so chill. He's just such a chill guy. No, he's a lot of fun to be around.

I mean, looking around Orlok's castle, it's like, no wonder he wants a chill pad in Western Europe, you know? I wouldn't want to live there either. It's a real dump. It's fucking awful. So Orlok makes him sit and he feeds him some food. And I always appreciate this, like the fact that Dracula has like decent looking food for like.

If you're a man who doesn't cook. Yeah. Who's cooking it? Who he is, right? Like that's the whole thing about Dracula is he's doing all this stuff. I guess he's had a lot of time to learn. Yeah.

But no real, I mean, just to feed people, whatever. I don't know. He's just watching YouTube videos and learning time to learn. Yeah. But no real, I mean, just to feed people, whatever. I don't know. He's just watching YouTube videos, learning how to cook. He wants to do the, uh, the paperwork tonight, I think. Yes. He gives, because the, the midnight hour is fast approaching and he wants to get this done. Uh, I haven't known who this is. Oops. All Coke nails. Cause every finger, one of his nails is a coke nail. A coke nail, yeah. He says to Thomas, Nicholas Hold,

he says, I wish you to do as I request. Yeah. And I thought, boy, me too. Just immediately from the jump, he's a controlling boyfriend. Yeah, he is such a bad boyfriend. He's doing power shit all over the place. Like he's doing the like,

you will address me by my proper title. Like the people who are like, call me doctor. It's like, you have a doctor philosophy. Yes, you're a doctor, but I'm not going to call you that. Dracula was watching Andrew Tate videos right before Thomas showed up. He's maybe we shouldn't say Dracula. I'm going to say count Orlok. Is toxic masculinity personified? Behind the Bastards was replaying old episodes about Andrew Tate.

So he's top of mind right now. What a piece of shit. What a, oh, good thing he's walking free amongst us. Yeah, he's in Florida. Well, not amongst us. We don't go there. I don't know, if he was amongst us, maybe I could hit him with a car.

I wouldn't break. I wouldn't. The detective would show up and be like, there's no skid marks. And I'd be like, no, there aren't. Did I do that? Yeah. I'm just a dumb white lady.

I like that you can't get a good look at the count during this, because he's all in a shadow. He's like backlit by the fireplace. Yes, and then he like sort of reappears behind Nicholas Holt pouring him some, like pouring him wine, I guess, into this like very fancy glass. Oh, I need fancy pieces like that. You need more goblets in your life.

I only own one. What are we doing here? I know. With the Patreon money, I gotta get you goblets. I know, seriously guys, donate to Patreon this month for goblets in your life. I only own one. What are we doing here? I know. I got to get your goblets. Seriously guys, donate to Patreon this month for goblets for me. A thing I desperately need. I only have one. I'm goblet poor. It's carved to look like Cthulhu. It was a gift from a friend of the podcast, Kacen. Yeah. Do you think this could all be sorted out if someone had just given Count Orlok

a Ventolin inhaler? He's so wheezy. Yeah, it's uncomfortable to listen to, which I realize is building tension, but it just makes me feel like I wanna get out of this elevator, you know? Yeah. Also, my problem is that I'd be so chatty that I would just be gabbing at count or luck. That happens because Thomas is like, so I stayed in this village if you were actually weird. And

he's like, it's St. Andras night. They do weird stuff. Be cool. Yeah. This guy's going to fit in super well in this like urban German community of Wissburg. But Thomas cuts himself cutting bread. Yes, and Orlok gets a blood boner. Blood boner, and then Thomas starts tripping balls? I guess all boners are blood boners when you get down to it. I mean, yeah, yeah. That's what it is.

It's just blood. Just a dumb lipstick filled with blood. Yeah. When you get down to it, just nuts and bolts here. Nuts and bolts here. When we get to fundamentals, I'm talking about fundamentals. You talking about practice? Talking about practice. Blood boners.

Yeah, he has like a weird trip. The statue kind of turns to look at him, which is so creepy. Yeah. And I love, of course, Eggers is like, everything's naturally lit. So you can't see shit. Right. Guess. Which adds even like, because when the statue was turning to look at him, it's like, is that an optical illusion because of the fire? Exactly. Very well done. Very well done. It's not like James Wan or the statue would have looked at him and went, Hey! We cut to Anna and Ellen and Ellen's doing all this weed talk like, don't you ever just feel like you're not in your body?

It's like, Hey man, that's deep. This is where I have the note. Cause I spent the whole time comparing this to Bram Stoker's Dracula. Okay. And I have the note is Lily Rose depth this movie's Keanu or is he this, or is she this movie's Winona Ryder? I think Winona Ryder. Yeah. Cause they're both terribly delightfully terrible in that movie. Yeah. And she is bringing the heat, bringing the funk. She's pretty, she, yeah. The way she says that the sea calls to her, it sounds like Moana.

So Thomas wakes up in front of the fireplace. Yeah. He looks like he's woken up after a bender. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes on a bit of a wander and he looks in a mirror. Yeah. And he sees he's got a bite on his chest. Yeah. Or as I wrote, he got his titty bit. He got his titty bit. And then rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Yeah. Very rat heavy rats. Yeah. You ever seen a Herzog's nods for all two? No fucking great. Wait,

are we talking? When is that from seventies? Okay. No. Uh, it's really, really good. How many times has this movie been made? Is this the third? This is, to my knowledge, this is the third. Okay, okay. There's probably more. Well, there's also in the Shadow of the Vampire,

the movie that's about making Nosferatu. Isn't Will Devoe in that? He is. Okay, okay. Yeah, him in, isn't Nosferatu, or Max Shrek is played by John Malkovich. Oh wow. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. He's perfect for it. Yeah. It was a very fun movie. So yeah, I think this is the third Nosferatu. Okay. But not as rad heavy? Werner Herzog's? The Werner Herzog one is also very rad heavy. Okay. Yeah. I'm, I have to do a little bit of blasphemy here.

Go for it. Not a huge fan of the original. No. I, I have a really hard time with silent movies. Yeah. Like you're like real sleepy while I'm watching. Yeah. I was going to say it's not a dislike so much as an inability to tolerate.

Huh? It makes me feel like a real dimwit that I can't watch a silent movie without feeling. There's a few of them that I can get through, but they're usually the ones that are like, we're 60 minutes long. This is fine. You can do this buddy. I mean, Nos Ratu is like 60 minutes long, isn't it? Not this one.

This one is for an age and a day. I like silent stuff. Christina and I spent like six months watching every like silent French serial we could find. Yeah, you were watching, there was the French vampire one. Yeah, Les Vampires. I just don't know how to say it

because I don't speak French. And then we watched some other ones that that guy made, Judex and some other, yeah. Los Fantomas. Ah, Fantomas. Ah, Fantomas. That's probably it. Yeah. I don't speak.

I only know it because of the Mike Patton band, Fantomas. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. It's because I'm a super intellectual. That's what I'm trying to say. You're sophisticated.

I always describe you as. I'm a sophisticated intellectual. Very sophisticated lady. So now Nicholas Hold has to sign a document that he can't read. Don't ever sign anything you can't read, ever. Is that supposed to be like demon language? I don't know.

That's what happened to Amanda Knox in Italy, I think. She signed a confession. Is she related to hair knock? And her knock, canock, canock, excuse you. And yeah, he has to sign this thing. Orlock won't let him leave. He's like, you don't look well. You have to stay here until I decide you're well. Shut up, I hate you.

And he's like, I'm well enough to leave. And he's like, mm-mm, mm-mm. Oh man. And he gives him the lock of hair locket. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, you've got my locket. And Count Rollerlock's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

All this for money. He drops a bag of gold on the table. And so he signs it. And Count Orlok says, now we are neighbors. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? Nicholas Holt delivers a line in the scene where he says he's going to say something slightly unsubtle or he's like, if I may be slightly unsubtle, it's like, I'm going to

start saying that when I say something awful. He's also locked in. He realizes he's locked in, but also he is outside. Sure. Okay. He's in the courtyard of the, of the, like of the castle. Okay. When, and then he goes and breaks into the Sure. Okay. He's in the courtyard of the of the like of the castle. Okay. When in then he goes and breaks into the crypt. Right. And then he takes his sweet sweet time observing everything in the crypt. We have sunlight pouring into the crypt. It's beautiful.

This movie's two hours and 12 minutes. Very beautiful. It's very beautiful. Yeah. This movie needs to not be two hours and 12 minutes. Did you watch the extended cut? Of course I fucking didn't. I checked compare the time. I was like, I do not have four more minutes in me. I watched the extended cut. I also saw this in the theater. I have no idea what the fuck was different. I mean, there were no more, there were no scenes where I was like, I wish there was more of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe you counter locks penis. I don't know.

So. Didn't look right to me. He's going to, he opens up the crypt and I love that Orlok is in his, like in his crypt and there's maggots in him. Yeah, it's so good. And I was like, dude, you've been dead for like hundreds of years.

Maggots are still dining on your flesh. Long gone. Speaking of maggots, I watched a Lucio Fulci movie the other night. Oh, which one? Uh, New York Ripper. Oh no! I know, it was so weird!

I have vowed never to do that on this podcast! Yeah, I watched it on your Shutter account. Oh, nice, did you like it? Mm, I don't know. It was the second sexual assault with a broken bottle that I was like, yeah, I think I'm out of this. Yeah. I got pretty drunk alone watching it. So I think, no, I did not like it because when it ended, I was like, well, yeah, obviously it was him.

Anyway, I didn't know that. So there's a big old pickaxe. Yeah. Which he goes to stab or lock with. He's ready to kill. Takes a sweet, sweet time to do that. Yes, he does. I don't know, man. You lock me up in your castle, I'm probably taking your ass out.

I've got him such a stupid woman that I'm like, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you didn't mean to lock that door. Maybe I don't look well enough to travel. But of course Orlock wakes up and he's like, no. He grabs it midair, which is a really cool sequence. And then we see his paper. It's definitely not his real dick.

No, of course not. Well, come on. What if he poked his real dick out of all of this makeup? No, no, no, my real one, my real one. Well, I think that would be visually stunning. I'm a scarred scarred. We gotta put him in a movie. Actually, I don't know if Alexander Scarred Scarred

has had his penis in a movie. He's had to have, right? I'm sure, I've seen Stellan's. Sure, yeah, that guy wants that. We've all seen Stellan's. He's like that friend at right? I'm sure I've seen Stalin's. Sure. Yeah. That guy. He's like that friend at parties or just gets it out when hanging out. Yeah. That guy. I haven't had a that guy in my life for a while and it pleases me, dude, if that happens to you at 40, that's like,

people are being phoned. There's going to be a hearing about this. Younger friends. I don't, I, I have younger friends. I don't. I don't have younger friends. I don't. I mean, I have, yes, I have younger friends. You. And other people that I know in their 40s. It me.

You have yet to pull your dick out while we're hanging out. Can't say that I wouldn't. Oh my God. that I wouldn't. Oh my God. So I think at this point Orlok is influencing her dreams, Ellen's dreams. Tells her that her husband is lost to her. Right, dream of me, only me.

Yeah. And he like slow approaches to nibble on her while she cries blood. She cries blood a bunch in this movie. She sure does. I have a note here that just says, the thing about dry humping is, so are they dry humping in this scene?

Oh, this is when Orlok is feeding on Thomas and he's just like on top of him naked. And like, it looks kind of like a cat throwing up in reverse because he's just like, uh, uh, uh. But like there's like loud slurping noises. Like later on in the movie when he is feeding on Ellen and you hear her ribs break when he bites into her, I'm like, that fucking rules.

That is disturbing. Very disturbing. Yeah, because I am what's wrong with America. Yeah, and he has like control over Thomas now because he's fed on it. Right. Ellen is having fits back in Germany, which we are told is because she has too much blood by Dr. Severs, who is Ralph Innocent.

Doctors imagine if your dumbest friend had to figure out what was going wrong with you. I don't know. Too much blood, too much blood. She can sleep in her corset so as to calm her womb, like you do. My womb is crazy, and no one can tell me otherwise. I'll sleep in without a corset on. I'm always asking you to calm your womb. I cannot.

She cannot be tamed. Ether, though. Seems bad. Just once I'd like to fuck with it, just to see what all the fuss is about. You guys ever fucked with ether? Right in. Are you a doctor from the 1800s?

What even, I mean, what is ether really? Like what is it, what's it made of? Ether? Witch hazel. Well, it's a class of organic compounds where an oxygen atom is bonded to alcohol or aero groups. So that it's also a cryptocurrency. Cause of course it is. I think I am a cryptocurrency at this point.

Yeah. Alan the third. And we get scenes of Ellen waking up, moaning herself awake. Yeah, she does a lot of moaning at this point. Again, very horny, not very sexy. No, and she cannot be left accompanied because she's just a dumb lady. And Frederick's being a dick because he wants this lady out of his house.

Yeah. Which is fine. He's gonna see if he's gonna put another baby in with the baby that's currently inside his wife. Cannot get pregnant twice, or can you? Frederick, you never know. You never know. He's very good.

Here's the thing, Frederick is made out to be this terrible person who doesn't want her in his home anymore. I'm with him! She sucks. She's a terrible house guest. Oh man. We get reintroduced to Bunko Richard Dreyfuss who we've told killed three sheep with his bare hands and he was eating them raw. Yeah. Is that raw dogging? I think so.

Is that raw dogging? I think so. When Dr. Innocent goes to visit him, he's like petting a pigeon. No, we don't bite pigeons. No, we don't. Calm down, Ozzy. Let's not take that pigeon's head off. He does, though.

He does. Bites it right off, and it squirts everywhere. Yeah. It's great. And I haven't heard it says, this Renfield's pretty good. See, the Renfield thing to me is always like, my dad can kick your ass, you know? And I always another that says, this Renfield's pretty good. See, the Renfield thing to me is always like, my dad can kick your ass, you know?

And I always find that very, um. But it has to be like a little bit unhinged at the same time. Sure, sure. You're Tom Waits in Bram Stoker's Dracula. I love Tom Waits in Bram Stoker's Dracula. I think he is the highlight of that film. 100%.

Yeah. I hate that movie. I know you did. Maybe I should see it again. I should see it again when you're not wicked, pregnant and disgusted by meat eating scenes. Barfing everywhere. So Thomas climbs out a window chased by wolves in his own bedroom. Yeah. Again, Orlok, a total dick just let your wolves into somebody's bedroom. Isn't he one of the wolves though? So he's just in there fucking around? Come on. Come on.

He's mad. He's mad because this lady, he's mad because this guy married his girlfriend. Right. That he met in a chat room when she was 14. When she was 14. Oh my God, is this movie just Strangeland? Fuck, could it be? 14. Oh my God. Is this movie just strange land?

Could it be? So speaking of strange land, Dr. Innocent is like, look, I got this friend. You're going to love him. He's an absolute maniac and he's been like fired from doctor stuff. He's a Swiss guy. His name is not found housing. And while we're meeting him, we're also getting this like Russian Orthodox exorcism going on. I don't know if it was some sort of Orthodox ex like Catholicism or something. Everybody looks cool and spooky. Yeah.

Like nuns and all this stuff. Old timey spookies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And they're exercising Thomas to try and get the devil out of him. Yeah, just suddenly he has nun friends. Yeah.

I like that for him. We also get a little bit of Orlok backstory here. Sure. Which I didn't write down any of. No, me neither. Okay. Oh, this is when the one nun is translating from the other nun. Right. Because I get, yeah, he was messing around with the

cult stuff and learned how to live, like come back from the dead. Right. And like you're now infected with him. He's a part of you. This whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Um, Von Von Franz shows up. Who is it? It's Willem Dafoe. It's Willem Dafoe and he's going to chew the scenery. Good Lord. This man, the internet tells me he is five seven and I call hard bullshit on that.

Hard bullshit. Yeah. Cause he at times is shorter than Lily Rose Depp. Yeah. How tall is she? Five five according to the internet. Yeah. He is, there's no way. Yeah. And he's also often standing next to Nicholas Holt

and Ralph Innocent and he's just like, oh my God, you're tiny. He's just a tiny man. He's a tiny man, but he's, he's, I feel like the Van Helsing is like the comic relief in these movies, just like, let him go, let him cook. Oh yeah, who is that number? Is it Anthony Hopkins?

Anthony Hopkins, and he's off his fucking rocker. And it's fantastic. Just on so much cocaine. The devil's concubine. It's really great. So yeah, he's like, oh yeah, I've got some ideas about this. I need to visit this lady, see what's going on. I love his wig.

He's got a great wig. It's much better than Lily Rosedep's got a great wig. He, um, it's much better than Lily Rose depth's wig for sure. Hers looks a terrible. We are now on the boat. Yeah. With, with the warlock, which doesn't make a ton of sense that he's taking a boat there after whatever. It's fine. How he get there. I guess you just gotta, you gotta throw them on a boat. You gotta throw them, it has to be on a boat.

Yeah, you've gotta get your Demeter scene somehow. That's right. There are men screaming and puking, which you love. Alan loves puking. I do love, I don't mind puking blood. That doesn't bother me. Oh, that doesn't bother you. Yeah, no, no, no.

Okay, that's because you're what's wrong with America. Puking food, not a fan. Puking blood. Go for it. Yeah. All day long. All day long. So we're back with Lily rose up and she's basically talking about how she needs to be with Thomas because Thomas is the one who fixed her and made her normal. Oh man. It's why you, it's why men are so necessary for our lives. Come on. it's why men are so necessary for our lives. Come on. But I like that they bring in the whole thing of epileptics having the second site, which is also like a folklore thing. Okay. Um, and, and because Dr. Von Franz is like, oh yeah,

she's like, she's got the second sight. She can like talk and see things that aren't necessarily there. She's not here right now. Let me show you how I know that. I'll stab her all the way through her wrist. You couldn't have just given her a strong pinch or like even a, I would have accepted a slap across the face.

Nope. A fucking puncture wound through and through. Yeah. What is wrong? And then he's like, clean it up Ralph Innocent. That's fucked. She wakes up. She's like, what happened? Oh, this guy who's going to take care of you and tell you to die. He did that. He did that to you. Yeah. Yeah. He's a bit of a maniac. He's a bit of a loose cat. He's also just like naming Pokemon as far as I can tell.

What are all of these words that he's saying? Again, it's all like shit that Robert records found out about. But he's just like, yeah, yeah, more this. Yeah, I got books. I got books, guys. Yeah. Bulbasaur. Yeah, it's all like a cult shit.

He's just throwing a cult shit at you. All right. Back on the ship. I really like the scene where the one guy is like, you know what, I'm killing this thing. Once and for all, we're ending this because everybody's dying on my ship. Go.

But first Lily Rose Depp does that scary monologue where she's possessed and she's talking about like, I forget what she's talking about, but it's a very scary monologue and I liked it a whole lot. Is this where she does black metal face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where her eyes roll back into her head

and her tongue's like, I like that a lot.. Is this where she does black metal face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her eyes roll back into her head, and her tongue's like, I like that a lot. I'll be able to slug. She apparently did all this stuff, like all the weird body contortion stuff. Good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, we're back on the ship.

A lot of shenanigans has been caused on this ship as a result of Count Warlock. They think it's the plague, and then they realize that something's killing them. Right. So this guy with the fucking internet neck beard is going down too. You're just like, I don't know.. Right. So this guy with the fucking internet neck beard is going down too. You're just like, I don't know.

I don't think this guy is the hero. I don't think he's going to save the day. But he's sure determined. He's like, I'm going to hop off 4chan real quick and head down there and kill somebody. Mm-hmm. As a guy who used to have that beard, I could make fun of him. You're allowed to say that.

Actually, I think everybody is allowed to say that. I think it's like one thing we can all agree on. Yeah, neckbeard's not a good idea. So funny. So he goes down to kill Orlok and I love the scene. It reminded me of Alien actually, when he's like walking towards the box that has the dirt in it. And he's like passing these like coats that are hanging or fabric is hanging on the ship. And then one of them turns around and it's Orlok.

It's like his nasty skin on his back. He's got like a real bad back knee. Yeah. And he turned around. I love when you see his legs later. Yeah, they're good. No, I like them. And he just like fucks this dude up and it's pretty great. It is great. We find out that there's been a shipwreck at the docks. Yeah. Cause I think what's his face, Frederick owns the ship or owns the docks

or owns the ship docks. I should state that I only refer to him as Freddie cause it's like, I'm not typing. That's a lot of words, a lot of letters. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So the ship has wrecked and Freddie has to go see what's going on.

And they realize it's a plague ship cause it's filled with rats. Orlok says the coolest, most dramatic shit. I didn't write any of it down, but I loved it. He's just so goth. I mean like Dracula is the ultimate goth story. There's nothing goth. Nothing's gothier. Oh, and also Nock has gotten out of prison or out of the the insane asylum He's running amok and he's stolen or locks casket and it's like taking it through the canals of

Pittsburgh yep And there's rats running through the city. They're everywhere. There's so many rats everywhere the city. They're everywhere. So many rats. Has Thomas left the convent yet to come back to her? Yeah, I think he has shown up and he just falls off a horse. That's right. Cause she runs outside saying he's here, which is the same thing that hair can knock is saying, right? They're both saying, yes, but she's saying it for Thomas. Yes. Maybe. Or is she or is she? Yeah. Cause she's been saying that something bad is coming,

and her friend is being a real demon denier. Yeah. Yeah. You ain't never fucked no demon. No. I mean, if a friend told me they fucked a demon, I'd be like, I don't think so. Calm down, Kesha.

Kesha was talking about fucking a ghost. No. But I'm going to Google it later. Why must children sleep in hats? Why must children sleep in hats? So sad. So they never stop looking adorable. The children have been freaked out that there's a monster in the room the whole time. And I was like, just wait, kids, just wait. Yeah. You're definitely going to die.

Fucking die. So fucking good. Fucking die. Oh man. I love the Orlok's shadow hand going out across the city. I did not like that. I thought it looked bad. I thought it looked bad for as good as everything else looked. Okay. Yeah. He's reaching out and giving people bad dreams and apparently the plague as well. Seemingly, yeah. Cause people are getting sick. Or are they becoming vampires? I think they're just getting sick.

So he really did just bring the plague too. What a fucking prick. Well, there is that thing that like vampirism may be an allegory for the plague. Yeah, yeah. Thanks book boy. Mm. or the plague. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, book boy. Mm. And then we learn about, from Dr. Von Franz starts going off about Graver's account on vampirism and all this stuff. And I just have more notes to say, these girls are gonna die. Oh yeah.

We get a confrontation between Orlok and Ellen where he's basically like, yeah, your husband sold me to you but you have to agree. And also remember how we used to fuck. And it's just like, this is why you can't enter into a contract with a minor for this very reason. And she says, I abhor you. But like into his mouth, she says that.

Yeah. She wakes up to rats eating her friends. But like into his mouth. Yeah. She says that. Yeah. She wakes up to rats eating her friend. She doesn't even try. She doesn't do it. Nobody's trying to get the rats off of her. Her or the friend who's just going, Ow, ow, ow.

Listen. Yeah. I've made a lot of promises to you over the last 10 years in this podcast. You sure have. I promise that I will smack those rats off of you. Thank you. I will.

I'll wake up in the same room while you're being bit up by rats. I will never let you be eaten by rats. Oh, thank you so much. I promise that I will smack those rats off of you. Thank you. I will. I'll wake them in the same room while you're being bit up by rats. I will never let you be eaten by rats. Oh, thank you so much. I promise you. Friends should support friends and not let them get bit up by plague rats. I think that's, I mean, no, not even any rats. Just regular rats.

Pet rats. If you had pet rats, I wouldn't let them bite you. Yeah. Don't worry. That won't happen. Yeah. No worries. Yeah. Don't worry. That won't happen. Yeah. No worries. Um, so, oh, that's before she gets eaten up is when she's out wandering around and we see that there's a lot of houseplants in the house. And I bring this up because later in the movie after Orlok has been cruising around the house, all the house plants are dead. Oh, I didn't notice that. Very subtle and it's very well done. I like that. Um,

Oh, I didn't notice that. Very subtle and it's very well done. I like that. Um, and I like that Freddie is being explained vampirism. And she's like, I, I don't know what you're, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. He doesn't believe any of it because he simply does not understand. He's just like, these words aren't words. What are you? Hmm. What are you talking about? At one point he says like, I'm a shipment. I don't know what you're talking about. I like that. The demon has sucked of your good wife's blood and shall return for the rest. That's a thing to say to somebody. It's not nice. Also when Orlock and Eleanor having their confrontation, he says, you are not of humankind. Is that cause they fucked? I don't know. Or because she has epilepsy. Like,

yeah, is he like an RFK junior where he's like, if you have autism, you're not a real person. Oh God, don't get me started. Fucking assholes. Worm addled brain. The worms talking again. RFK better shut him up. What if it is just a worm screaming from inside his nasal passages? He's just got a bigot worm inside of him. He's like, I can't stop saying the N word. Just cut on an A shirt with like pizza sauce on the front of it. Hey man, hey, go put a bear in Central Park and then tell people that have autism

that they're not real people. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, okay, we gotta stop. I will get worked up. So he also tells her that there will be three nights of killing. Yes. I'm gonna kill everybody you've ever loved

because I'm your best boyfriend. Because I'm a bad boy. And ladies love a bad boy. Yeah, Orlock can fuck. So this answers some of our questions about fucking in Dracula's. I guess, or is he just sucking? Is he sucking or fucking?

I need to know. I mean, is sucking nuts in some way fucking? Sure, yeah. I mean, not all fucking is sucking and not all sucking is fucking, but in this guy's case. This guy's case what? So after Anna gets all fucked up,

Freddie kicks him out of the house. He's like, you know what? You guys gotta go, go to your house. I got my own bullshit. All my house plants are dead. And Ellen's immediately like, you've never liked me. You've been a fucking bitch right now. Yeah.

She's like, dude, you gotta go. Yeah. You don't have to go home. You can't stay here. And then Orlok says something like, without you I will become a demon, which is some real high school boyfriend shit. You're the only thing keeping me alive.

Shut up. Shut up. So they got to walk home through the town. Yeah. It's all fucked up. Shut up. Shut up. So they gotta walk home through the town. It's all fucked up. Everybody's all fucked up. Tons of rats running around. The rat budget on this movie is insane. And yeah, so he has to go home. They go home.

But while they go home, Orlock appears in the children's bedroom. Yeah. Yeah, what's he do to those kids? He ate them and threw their bodies on the ground. God, he's such a shithead. Such a shithead. Man, oh man.

And then rip Anna as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets to die off screen. Yeah, that's nice for her. Yeah, we get to see children murder and she dies off screen. Yeah. Oh, fuck those little caskets, though. Fuck every bit of that.

I love them. I thought they were beautiful. Well, I just don't want to see little caskets though. Fuck every bit of that. I love, I thought they were beautiful. Well, I just don't want to see little caskets. No, not a thing. I'll watch children get eaten and their bodies be tossed to the ground, but the little casket really got me. Just making it too real. Yeah, too real.

Oh, also, and Dr. Von Franz has found Kanox occult and shit. He found like this book that he has in his little altar of death, which had to have stunk, right? Yeah, of course it did, yeah. That's my boss, he smells real bad, like death. So Freddy's gonna take his family away.

Oh no, that's gone, nevermind, kids are dead. You can't take kids that are dead away. So he, he opens. So Freddie opens Anna's casket and she's all looking like the star wars lady, which I thought was weird. Which star wars with the hair that goes in like a cinnamon rolls. Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher. Yes. Okay. Why is he bleeding? Does he have the plague?

He has the plague. Okay, so the plague. Yeah, around his eyes are all crusty with plague pustules. Such a fucking dick, Orlog. Yeah. Mm. I even know at one point that just says this movie is wild.

It really is. It's now the third night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the, what's his name? Von Franz and Dr. Sievers and Thomas are out on a mission. Oh, right. Oh, because Von Franz and Ellen have made this pact where he's like, I'll get rid of your husband.

You go do the thing that you gotta do, which is also a thing from folklore where the woman has to take care of the vampire so everybody else is free. I love that. Why don't you just sacrifice yourself? Do it for everyone else.

Why are you so selfish? Jesus Christ. Anyway, yes, he sets it up for her to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did like her whispering goodbye to her husband because she's going to see him for the last time. It's cute. It's cute. It's cute.

They were barely married. I'm just kidding. They went on a honeymoon. He went on a business trip. Yeah, then she dies. That's it. Orlok has fingers all women dream of. A note I wrote myself very late last night.

What's wrong with me? Why do they dream of those fingers? Alan, think about it. last night. What's wrong with me? Why do they dream of those fingers? Alan, think about it. Today, Alan learned about finger banging. I didn't know the bulbous knuckles would be a real plus in that situation. You didn't know they wouldn't be either. Attention Arthritics.

We get an Orlok fuck scene. Yeah. We get an Orlok fuck scene. He's fucking Lily Rose. Oh, right. Cause she's dressed as a bride when he shows up. Yeah. He just comes over. she's dressed as a bride when he shows up. Yeah. He just comes over.

It's just like booty calls him. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, they smooch. It's real gross. And she's re pledges herself to him. Yep. And then I have a note that says they make sex.

They make sex. And then I thought maybe he does have a regular old dick. Maybe that was his dick. I don't think they're fucking, I think he's just draining her blood. Cause the whole thing is he can't resist her blood. Right. And I think he has cracked her ribs open

and is like drinking directly from her heart. Which sons out guns out, he's fucked too long. Yeah. And when he looks up and sees the son, she's like, no, no, you're not done. I'm not done. You're not done. Yeah. And he's like. and sees the sun, she's like, no, no, you're not done. I'm not done. You're not done. And he's like, trying to get that death nut. Truly the moral of this Dracula story is that men will do anything for pussy. Truly just become so stupid.

When he's melting, it looks fucking awesome. Yeah. The bed afterwards looks great. It's all full of like ash and like, Yeah, it looks like a comped painting. Yeah, yes it does. So yeah, Thomas comes in, he finds his wife with a dead man on top of her and she's breathing her last breath. Alan loves it when we close the eyes of the dead.

And then Von Franz is like, you know what? Eggers is gonna get an overhead shot, so I'm gonna put flowers around here. My last note. Yeah. Now he and Harding can go on a boys trip. Oops. I got angry that this movie was so long by the end. I was feeling a little fussy. Katie Allen, what is your radio of this movie? This movie is great. It's like a nine.

It would be higher if it wasn't two hours and 12 minutes. The Dracula story has been told so many times in so many ways in less than 131 minutes. Yeah. That's too many minutes. You're ready for the Cliffs Notes version of it. I just think that's too many minutes. You're ready for the Cliffs Notes version of it. I just think that's too many minutes. I feel like I read the book in under two hours in 12 minutes.

Come on, it's practically a novella. Yeah. Yeah. You? I loved it. Oh, I had other nice things to say too, but I feel like I already said them. We've been fucking stroking this film off for the last hour.

Now let me just air some grievances. For me, it felt like a return to the Eggers that I loved. As I've said before, I found his movies to be kind of diminishing returns, but this one, turns out I really love it when he does goth shit. Yeah, he's really got the goth shit on lockdown. I mean, I found this to be so much better

than The Lighthouse. Yeah. He does like, I mean, this was, I found this to be so much better than the lighthouse. Yeah. Yeah. He does like, I mean, every scene looked like a painting, like an era appropriate painting. It sure did. I think about that one shot in the witch where the mom is nursing that raven. Oh, and it's pecking at her boo.

Yeah, but it's just like so beautifully. It looks like a Caravaggio. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah, Nine is perfect for this movie. It's really great. You know what else is a nine? What's that? Being a Patron. Maybe it's a 10. Speaking of which, we've got a message from Patron that's very short. Now we'll read it right now. I love that. Hi, Alan. Hello. Hi, Katie. Hey, yeah. I know it took me some time to get back to you. Sorry about that. Per usual. I have shit timing and signed up at the most awkward and worst time possible. It's just didn't

feel right reaching out until you were back at the grind. Oh, thank you. It's very nice. Appreciate that. You can use the name embers and Embers. My message to fellow listeners is a humongous thank you for listening, reviewing, and being fans, because without them, I may not have found this incredible podcast. Oh, I'm so happy for you, and I'm happy for us that we get to know you. Thank you, Embers.

Thank you, Embers, and thank you for being a Patrone. And if you want to be a Patrone, go to Patroneon.com. As they call it. Patreon.com. Search for Werewolf Ambulance. We're right there. Yeah, we're right there. We're the only ones.

We're the only ones. What if there were more Werewolf Ambulances? We would genuinely have to fight. Yeah, it's true. I would throw fists. Yeah, come at your boy. Everyone knows you invented this. There's not even any other horror podcasts, so.

None that I've heard of. None that I've heard of. No. But speaking of horror podcasts, so. None that I've heard of. None that I've heard of. No. But speaking of horror podcasts. Yeah. Should we do this again? Okay, you know what's not anine? I fucking, in the haze of my grief and stress and work,

I fucking forgot Alan's birthday. No, stop. Because I'm a piece of shit friend. Come on now. That's okay, come with it now. Now, now, tickle, now, now. I think we've had many good years of runs of me remembering your birthday,

and this year I simply did not. And I will pick it up again next year, but this is my vacation year. Never hold it against you. So Alan's picking a birthday movie. Yeah, Katie gave me the honor of picking a birthday movie, so I'm punishing Katie. Yeah, I mean, I deserve to be punished.

I'm a terrible person. Stop it. I summoned a demon to fuck, I mean, I deserve to be punished. I'm a terrible person. Stop it. I summoned a demon to fuck Alan. I need to let you know. You've summoned a demon to fuck Alan? Yes. And that demon is Abbott and Costello who meet Frankenstein. So we're going to do it next week, guys.

Yeah. So with this movie and the Ghost and Mr. Chicken, I feel like you're going to get a real insight into what makes an Alan tick. I'm looking forward to it. I feel like at the end of Ghost and Mr. Chicken, I feel like you're going to get a real insight into what makes an Alan tick. I'm looking forward to it. I feel like at the end of ghost and Mr. Chicken, I was like, uh-huh. Have you ever seen an Abbott and Costello? No. Oh man. I'm so excited. Are you? Yeah. Am I going to like it? Yeah. Okay. Great. Costello is amazing. You're going to love him. An Abbott, just not so much. He's, he's the straight man. So, you know,

uh, so come back for that. It's streaming on streaming places or just watch the DVD. Go to your, go to your mom's house and pick up the VHS. Maybe your grandmother's. Your mom's probably dead. Dead mom's club. This, you know, we're talking earlier cause, uh, we went to Millie's recently. I feel like their ice cream has really vastly improved. Oh yeah. It's gotten so much better. Yeah. And I was really excited cause their pistachio was delicious. And she's like, Oh man, of course you love that. You're fucking old.

Oh man. She's older than you. I'm like spiritually older than you. You're the spiritually oldest person. I know. Give me a movie and some pistachio ice cream and I am set. Fantastic. Thank you so much for all being so fucking kind. Hey, happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. And that was months ago. Oh yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Um, and, uh, just be nice to each other, like practice empathy as much as you can. Everything sucks.

Don't make it worse. That's all you have to do. Just don't make shit fucking worse. Okay. And don't be a dickhead. Don't be a dickhead. And thank you for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance. Bye. Bye bye. Bye. May the axe aint not dead pools, so we decide to exam the pool Nowhere to wait, let's kill the fog-filled blues Kill the clouds and land the face, kill the enemy now is space

Our parents I've passed the encase, case Please make eye contact in your grave EMT, horror and comedy Refuse hungry Brian from Wings and Stephen King EMT, we live deliciously Bad temper, Tres obis, gracing the come to day A pair of normal activities From Mr. Rogers City EFT, EFT