Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 519- Night of the Scarecrow (1995)

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

Is this the scarecrow movie we've been looking for?? You'll have to listen to find out!  If you'd like to join us on our scarecrow journey, we've got Episode 237- "Scarecrow" (this is a SyFy channel original film and hoo boy that was a mistake), Episode 334- "Husk," Episode 386- "Dark Night of the Scarecrow," and Episode 471- "Scarecrows." The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. We're back this month with "Mortal Kombat" and truly, it's everything you could dream of. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.comif you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.  

Don't tell me yet if this is it. Okay. Let's wait till the end. Big reveal. At the end. Really? Just ask me now. Is this it?

Absolutely not. For newer listeners, I have been in search of a scarecrow movie that I saw once and kinda liked. We've tested every scarecrow movie on the market. It is not this one. Decidedly not this one. I love that it has become, you never talk about this. Other people are out there like sleuthing.

Yes, they are on the subreddit RBI, Reddit Bureau of Investigation, and they're trying to find this scarecrow movie. Here's what I suspect happened. I suspect I saw the one with the military people and I'm just mixing it with elements of something else that I saw. Are you afraid of the dark maybe? Something happening in a cornfield. Yeah. No, I was an adult when I saw the scarecrow movie.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, I was in my probably early thirties. Maybe an adult film that has a scarecrow in it. Yeah, I mean, you know how I like it I've got nothing you guys could have that I just stared right into the ether nothing. I got nothing Skuh skuh job scunt But no, we're not doing that. We're doing the YouTube film, Night of the Scarecrow. 1995's Night of the Scarecrow. A surprising rock star lineup of actors in this film. Star set of cast.

You've got one, Steven Root. Love Steven Root. Everything he does is gold except for this. Never heard someone say a disparaging word about Steven Root. And because they know you'd break their fucking arms. It's got Dirk Blocker. I love Dirk Blocker. Goes way too early in this movie.

Sure, sure. I remember when I realized that the guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine was the same dude who drops the beer at the beginning of Poltergeist. Yeah. And it blew my mind. Also, the son of Hoss from Bonanza. Oh, speaking of, yes, I understand. I kept saying George Strange. I understand his name is Glenn Strange.

Nobody said anything. Nobody said, how many people? That's not true. How many people said things to you? Enough. Oh, fuck, man. Guys, look, don't correct him. He's always right.

He's a man in his 50ifties and he's white. Okay. Don't do this. I was going to go to the store earlier and I was like, Oh, I have a shirt with a swear word on it. I should change it. And then I realized that I put on one of the sketchiest looking T-shirts I owned to go to the store.

I was just searching your shirt for the curse word because I assumed it was this shirt. No, it is not. Okay, great Yeah, it was just like I make I make poor choices at times you do that's a human being We all do also Jonathan fucking Hawks is in this movie. Wait, who's that? He is Danny Thompson. He's the guy who's like the child No, not he's he's like the younger guy who's like the child. No, not. He's, he's like the younger guy who's like works for the other guy. It's like, I'm going to ride this tractor into a field.

I refer to him exclusively as the child because it's implied that he's not of drinking age. Yeah, for sure. But he's like 33. Wait a minute. Dirk Blocker was in Prince of darkness. Did I say Prince of darkness? I meant poltergeist. Nope. He is in Prince of darkness. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. He is one of the, I'm in poltergeist. No, he is in Prince of Darkness. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He is one of the science guys. How about that?

Yeah. He looks so different younger than he does older. He looks the same in this as he does in Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Do you think? Yes. I think he looks the same as this as he does in poltergeist. No, no.

I disagree with your looking different assessment. John Hawks. What would I know him from? I don't know that you would know him from anything. Have you seen Winter's Bone? You know I haven't. He's from Dusk Till Dawn. Is he?

I don't know. That's what Wikipedia says. I don't remember him. Well, fuck it. He's in Deadwood. Yeah, oh yeah. I love that show. I know, I know.

I said you wouldn't know him from anything. Okay, all right. Your friends and neighbors, I believe he's in that. Maybe I just don't watch much. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That isn't this bullshit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. How dare you?

This is a fucking Stephen White joint. And we all know we love Stephen White joints. Do we love Stephen White joints? I've never heard of Stephen White. Who is Stephen White? I don't know, but it's something that said Stephen White Entertainment, written the director. Steve White, how dare love Steven White joints? I've never heard of Steven White. Who is Steven White? I don't know, but it's something that said, Steven White Entertainment, written the direction. Steve White, how dare you be so horrible?

Well, yeah, I don't know him. I mean, and this was directed by Jeff Burr. I know you're a big fan of his, having done Stepfather 2, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, Puppet Masters 4 and 5. Oh, so we have covered some of their oove on here. Have we done four or five? I think we've done a later Puppet Master for sure.

And Pumpkinhead too. We have not done Pumpkinhead too. Still pumping? Still pumping. What's Pumpkinhead too's tagline? Uh. Pumpkinhead. Bloodwings,

colon, Pumpkinhead's Revenge. We, I've come, I've gone too far astray on Wikipedia. Bloodwings, what the fuck? Maybe we should do Pumpkinhead too next week. I think we might have to. We just keep pushing this other one down. So there's this crow that we've got a crow's eye view of it flying around a cornfield.

And it ain't scared of the scarecrow, it ain cornfield and it ain't scared. The scarecrow ain't working. It ain't scared of the scarecrow. No, the scarecrow looks really dookie. Yeah, it's a dookie scarecrow. Yeah. It's really skinny. I don't want a skinny scarecrow. No, no. You like them thick. I like them thick like cold oatmeal. You see that girl? She's thick like cold oatmeal. Yeah. That's how I've been describing my body lately.

Should I not? No. Okay. Oh yeah, I'm thick like cold oatmeal. I thought that was sexy. Baby, I look like cream of wheat you forgot about. Yeah, I am like cream of wheat you forgot about. I just look like the cream of wheat kid grown up.

You sure do. Was this was this just direct to VHS? I'm assuming it had to have been. OK, I would assume so. This is like the movie that if you went on like Jay Leno, they were like, oh, Dirk Blocker, do you remember doing this film? Yeah, totally. Yeah. I think never watched a second of Jay Leno in my life.

No, no, but I heard he fell down a hill in Pittsburgh. And then someone, did you see that YouTube of someone touring the hill that he fell down? It's just like this really yinzy dude. It's so fucking funny. Oh people. Love them. So we are introduced to the town of Hansford, Hanford.

Yeah. I didn't write that part. Hanford. It's a special place for special people. I think Pittsburgh is a special place for special people. Oh, 100%. Yeah. 100%

To all my fellow Pittsburghers who were, just went through a bullshit 15 minute fucked everything up storm. I'm so sorry. Yeah. It's some real bullshit out here. Yeah. Friend of the pod, Dan B. We're'm so sorry. Yeah. It's some real bullshit out here. Yeah. Yeah. Friend of the pod Dan B we're, we're thinking of you. Yeah, Dan, let us know if we need, you need anything.

Yeah. That fucking sucks. Trees are bastards. Yeah. Well, it's more than man. Wait, do you think we experienced a mini the happening? Oh my God. What have we done to deserve this? Uh, everything. Everything. Well, I mean, you voted for drone.

Not here in the city of Pittsburgh. We didn't baby. Oh, yes. We were introduced to Hanford. We were introduced to our leading lady who loves to drive through credits. She just loves driving through a credit. A real credit driver. Yeah.

She's early middle age, late, late thirties, mid to late thirties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not a teeny bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. loves driving through a credit. A real credit driver. She's early middle age, late 30s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mid to late 30s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not a teenager. Claire Goodman, this youngster who's run amok.

This movie presupposes that she is 19 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she stops at the town auditorium. Yeah, what is this? I thought it was supposed to be a mall. There's something about a mall. It's just like, mall, like groundbreaking. And then it's the auditorium nowhere near

where the ground is going to be broken. Yeah, it looks like a post office. Yeah. And there's like a crowd milling around scene. And like you hear somebody getting fired or something. That's the aforementioned, my boy, Danny Thompson, getting fired by our friend Dylan. Yes. Dylan is 106 years old. What is happening to him?

And I do love that in the credits, he is a mononym Dylan. Just Dylan. Just Dylan. No last name on Dylan. We learned that he's a construction foreman, but he's somehow really good with farm equipment. He like knows exactly what to do. Yeah. Alright, alright. And by later in the film, real good at fucking. He does fuck.

He does fuck. Here's the thing about this movie, nevermind, I'll save it till we get there. So yes, we see this groundbreaking that's not groundbreaking and this mayor dude is delivering a mayor speech about how people say Hanford was nothing but a fucking chicken coop and now look at these motherfuckers. We're pooping and chicken pooping, koopa, toopa, toop. Here's them all. That's why you're the mayor of Pittsburgh right there.

That kind of rhetoric. He's so well cast as a shitty like old, old white dude mayor. Yeah. He's like the mayor from Jaws. I love that guy. I saw a tweet that said, if you don't think local elections matter, remember that the mayor from Jaws 1 is still the mayor in Jaws 2. So funny.

So good. That's a hundred years old on the internet. Thank you everyone. While he's talking, Dylan is like, oh, there's some fresh meat and town. Let me roll up to this lady. I love her baby doll dress denim vest Doc Martens combo. Her look is ma. She's giving strong peak Shania Twain.

No, I disagree. She looks like she's going to go see Babes in Toyland. Who I listen to on the way here. You do now. I did. Come with it now. I think I'm going to start doing a baby doll dress denim vest boots combo. I love now. I did. Come with it now. I think I'm gonna start doing a baby doll dress, denim vest, boots combo.

I love it. Who's gonna fucking tell me no? No one. No one. Especially not if I'm around wearing musketty t-shirts. Yeah. We're just gonna have bad fashion choices together, you and me at the Whole Foods.

Yeah, so we get this, Dylan was like, oh my God, new lady in town, gotta run up to her. But she sees him and does that thing that you had to do in the 90s, all you had to do was like shift your body from one side to the other and then men would walk up to you. Yeah. That's a compare denim vests cause he's also wearing one.

It releases your fair bones. Yeah. They're in your size. You just got a shimmy. But he does this thing that you immediately know what the punch line is going to be because he starts talking shit on the mayor. Like, like he gives a fuck. Like this guy cares what

the mayor is up to. Yeah. Why is he even here? Cause he works for him. Yeah. And he's been working for him for like a week and this guy loves the sound of his own voice. It's very clear that this is his daughter. Like there's no question. I bet his daughter's a dumb bit though. I bet she's not even hot. I bet I won't even make sweet sweet love to her later on in this film. No, but you will Dylan. Oh, it's so stupid. Oh, we see the daughter Claire go up to talk to her dad after he's given his speech. He's fucking pissed. He hates his daughter. He hates her so much. He says to her, hi, welcome back to town. I know what you're capable of with men. What?

Did your daughter get caught having the sex, making sex? He says it like at some point, they have broken up. Yes, I know what you're capable of with men. Stop peeping on her then, you fucking creep. So gross. I'm just so glad that my dad was totally indifferent to me as a teenager. Like sure. Honestly, how goddamn lucky I was. What are your intentions with my daughter? Actually,

I don't give a shit. Wait, I have two kids. There's more than the boy child. What are your intentions with, I want to say Katie. Kelly. I think it's Kelly. Yeah. So the mayor makes Dylan rehire the guy he just fired because the mayor's friends them in this town is just rife with nepotism and uh, people being like criminals or something. And also really fast carousels. This carousel is going so fucking fast. They would make you throw up. It's it was especially going fast because I was watching this movie at 1.25 speed. Same girl.

I'm so glad you're on this level with me now. Well, I can only do it on YouTube. I don't have your special skills to do it elsewhere. You just gotta get this little Chrome extension. Well, I watched most of them on the TV. Yeah, I would like to, but I don't have that extension on my TV. So this thing is smoking at 1.25 or not.

Yeah. And when he jumps on, I was like, there was a second where he was like, I don't know if I'm going to do this. He was doing the sort of like, step up, step back, step up, step back. I don't know if I can jump. So now the kid who got fired, who I also refer to on my notes as Crustache, he is driving a tractor into the new mall sign and into a cornfield. So fucking mean. After you just like threw rocks at a building for a little while. He's like, yeah, man, you're never going to rehire me.

I'm 45 years old. I am old enough to drink in a bar. I can't grow a mustache. I work in construction. I drive a tractor through corn fields. Okay. All these things are adding up to, yeah. With my toady.

With my toady. Who is a child? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Also real quick, because I don't want to miss the best written line in this film. When, uh, uh, Claire and her father, Mr. Claire were parting ways. He says, you're never going to stop testing me. And she says, not until you pass.

Do you think that's a double entendre until this old man dies? Holy shit. I hope so. That's what I just thought of right now. Yeah. So they're, they take this piece of farm equipment into a corn field. They're just knocking down corn, willy and nilly. And then it starts sparking because they're driving over metal.

Concrete? Concrete. I don't know. Okay, I know we're watching this movie on YouTube, but it's also just so dark that I had no idea what was happening through most of it. Yeah. And we watched it on YouTube because there's literally nowhere else that it's available. Could not find it. No, no. Um, at this point I realized this is not the movie.

So they break through whatever this thing is on the ground, which appears to be carved in some sort of decorative way. And this is very funny to them. They cackle. They cackle. Like they know what they've done. Yeah. And then there's like, Hey man, you just going to leave that there? Yeah. Let Dylan get it. It doesn't feel like a Dylan job.

No. And then the other guy pisses on the scarecrow. I hope you don't mind a little irrigation. That's what I say to the toilet every time I peepee. I'm gonna start pissing on a scarecrow is just dumb. It's just dumb. Sure. But as a young man, you piss on everything. Yeah, I guess that's true. Like fucking everything. Just everything. I mean, even like at drinking in a bar age. Oh yeah, sure. Okay. Especially if you're drunk. Yeah, I guess. And then you're just whiz banging

on what the fuck. Like who cares? Gotcha. Gotcha. Sorry. I've never had a dick. Me too. Yeah. At least then I'd fucking know something. So it becomes big windy blowing this guy around. It's making him roll around in his own piss. It sure does. And there's a clanking, a clanking sound from the broken thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like sort of a close up here and then there's not. And then I just wrote, what even was that, anything? Oh, that was the corn spanking him.

Is that what you're thinking? Oh, the hay attack, yeah, the hay or like the corn stalks. Yeah, they spank him. They literally start smacking his bum. But why? Yeah, because of the scarecrows back, maybe, and he's a sex pest. But he's not yet.

Is he? I got a little bit. I mean, or is this just corn is a playful little thing, a little scamp. If corn slaps your ass, I'm not going in a cornfield. When are you going in a cornfield? I'm pretty steady, huh? Yeah. I used to going in a cornfield? I'm pretty steady. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. I used to play in a cornfield when I was a kid. That's what you say. Yeah. When you were back in the, what, 1948?

We would take the stick in our wheel and we'd roll. Take your hoop down the street. So we meet, um, well so Claire has done this thing where she's invited Dylan for dinner by telling him that the dad invited him and the dad loves him and the dad loves him. And then telling the dad that she invited him because they're going to fuck. We meet all of her uncles. You've got Dirk blocker who is uncle George. He's the farmer and he's drinking Miller Lite, but it's labeled beer, but in the Miller Lite font, which is the now the cans they use for Miller Lite, but it's labeled beer, but in the Miller Lite font,

which is the now the cans they use for Miller Lite now, like those throwback cans, I love it. Oh yeah. Yeah, it reminds me of having a drunk dad. And we meet Stephen Root. The sheriff. The sheriff, who is Uncle Frank. Yeah.

And then there's the strangest man I've ever laid eyes on. The pastor or? The pastor, Thaddeus? He is, he looks like, do you remember in Return to Oz, there's that man made out of stone who's talking, his head is still- Yeah, yeah, yeah, the king, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he looks like to me. Like, his head is a boulder that someone has hewn a face into.

But like a meat face. A meat face. He's a sculpture of meat. He's a hamburger sculpture. He's like that one Lionel Richie video where the blind lady makes a sculpture out of a man of a liver worst. I genuinely don't know what you're talking about.

Hello, is it me you're looking for? Watch the video for that. It looks like she makes you're looking for? I do love that song. Watch the video for that. It looks like she makes a sculpture out of a matter of liverwurst. All right, fine. I will. We meet Stephanie, the slutty cousin,

cause she's like, hey, to her cousin's date. She's basically like, I'll suck your dick by putting a fork in my mouth. Like, ah, ah, you like this? Dement, this is a note I have. Dement like that? Of course, 100%. Just scraping a fork across your teeth.

You look at him. Yeah. Into it. Okay. We're also getting like, we're getting this from Dylan's POV and he's doing it in voiceover. The movie does a lot of POV. Yeah. And then sometimes you don't know who is POV it is. It's real good. It's real, real, real good. Yeah. Yeah. So we find out that the farm is going to be turned into a mall, and it's got the most delicious corn that Claire has ever had.

And she's furious about it. We also learned that she hasn't been back in years or something. No one has seen her in years. No, not since her 30th. Yeah. And they are somehow tying these things together where it's like, well, Claire's back, but we'll have to get rid of the cornfield. Like, what do they have to do with one another?

Did she come back because the mall's gonna be in the cornfield? Did she come back because she likes shopping? Or corn. I don't know. So while this is happening, we get a shot of the cornfield and the moon, not because I'm watching it at 1.25 speed, but the moon is traveling at

six to seven million miles a second. That's how it fast it goes. I think. Yeah. Run across the sky. And then there's like a firestorm to purify of scarecrow magic coming up out of the ground and shooting the scarecrow? Yeah, he sort of gets electrocuted. Yeah. And then he immediately starts screaming as though there were always a real person in there, which I found the sounds the scarecrow makes

to be very upsetting. I found it very upsetting when he talks later. Okay, so again, we watched this on YouTube, so no subtitles or like auto generated captions for I realized like way too far into the movie that he's saying, where's my book? Yeah. I kept being like, what's the cook? I don't know. I don't know. Where's my whoopie? What do you mean? Oh man. So the scarecrow's on the move now. Now we're scarecrow POV.

It's real bad, real, real, real bad. He's gotten thick now. He's thickened out. He's turned into the oatmeal that we all want to hope to achieve. I find the actor playing the scarecrow to be too thin. I understand scarecrows are supposed to be thin, you know, knobby and whatnot,

but that's not a villain to me. You gotta have a thick scarecrow. I need a thick villain. Thick villain. Just fucking John Goodman tracing me through the woods. Thick villains, yes. As soon as I saw that skinny scarecrow, I was like, definitely not you. This isn't it. This isn't it.

So, all right. You need the scarecrow to weigh like 175? Well, how tall are they? That's thick or not thick, you know? Oh, sure. They're like 5'10 at 175. That's thick enough. That's thick. That's not thick.

That's thick. No. Oh, it's all fat. There's no muscle in this person. Okay, I like it. Give me a fat, medium height scarecrow. Is this what my life has become? Is this weird?

I never imagined I'd say these things in public. What have I done to you? What have we done to each other? Anyway, uncle George is just wandering around the farm. Yeah, he's great. He's a little, he's a little bit of an alcoholic, a little bit of a drinker, but he's a farmer so it's okay Yeah, what can a farmer do with alcoholism? And we have this weird scene of Claire leaving the house and her dad's like where are you going? And she's like I told uncle George I'd visit and he goes

Is that the truth who cares? She's 34 She didn't go anywhere. She wants is it because earlier you had seemed to have no relationship with uncle George. Yeah, that is, I mean, hadn't seen uncle George in years. Did he get shot at? Is that why he went outside? Like a window breaks, but I wasn't sure why. I don't know. My note here says many of these scenes are so dark. I do not know what is happening because the lights, yeah, the lights are all popping. I think they're getting.

That's when he gets into the barn. Okay, okay, okay. After he goes out of the house, he goes in the barn. The scarecrow magic is strong and starts blowing out the lights. When they pop, they make a phaser sound like a, pew! Ask me if I liked that.

Space lights. Did you like that, Katie? I loved it. What do you got for a pop and light noises and laser beams? I love it. He just had like a, a Star Trek soundboard and he was like, we're using it. So I was going to say, so something is stalking Dirk Blocker now in the, sorry, uncle George. I should be respectful of the man's career. I think calling him Dirk Blocker is the more respectful thing of his career.

So they're following it's something's following him and he's in a barn with a thresher. I wrote thresher question mark also neither Neither of us would ever know the truth. I was like, thresher, is that a combine? I don't think it's a thresher because threshers are for wheat and not corn, right? But let's, no, don't look it up. Oh, I'm not.

Oh, good, thank you. Jesus Christ. No, because anyone who knows the answer, don't write in. Don't correct us, it's a thresher. I've written, but oh, a thresher. Is that a thresher? What's a thresher. I've written, but uh-oh, a thresher. Is that a thresher? What is a thresher held to farms? Also the pitchfork is missing one of the fingers.

It's missing the middle one. It's missing the middle ones. The middle tine is non-existent. So it can help him get like stabbed into the wall. Yeah, why, because he had to get threshed. Yeah. Okay, because killing him with the middle time of the pitch for it would not have been enough.

The scarecrows murders are inexplicable and the people he lets go are inexplicable. His murders are, uh, for lack of a better term, a little bitchy. Real petty. Yeah. Really, really petty. Yeah. Um, but yeah, so he, he thrushes uncle George and we know this because a bucket of blood is thrown against the wall. That's very fun to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty great. Uh, Claire shows up because she really was going to uncle Dirk blockers.

And she finds his ass just stuck to that piece of farm equipment. Yeah. Yeah. And she also sees some movement in the cornfield, which no one believes her about when she tells them. This one, I have a note that just says dark night of the, Oh, nevermind. There was definitely a, uh, uh, farming equipment murder in that movie as well. I feel like every one of these Scarecrow movies has some sort of farm equipment death.

Although one of them had a sewing machine death, which I remember I liked quite a bit. Was that the Lacey Shabair one? No. It was between the Lacey Shabair one and the military one. And not me, I think not the one where the guy from Superman gets stuck in the silo, the grain silo. Oh yeah, isn't that Dark dark night of the scarecrow?

I don't know. I don't know. The scarecrow fills up on him or the silo fills up with corn. Yeah. I don't know. She's like an awful way to die. Awful way to die. That was the worst death we've ever seen on the show. Was it? Yeah.

Okay. Thank you. I'd rather get my head cut off. Was it? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I'd rather get my head cut off. What about if someone stuck a hook through a hole in your, your sternum and then pulled your head through that hole? Like in that one movie we watched. This they do a quick, I guess. Yeah. And then you'd be like, no one told me my ass was this big. And then you pass away.

That is the thing I would say to you. So people always tell me my ass is that big. Who says that to you? Lucy. She told me I have a gat. And I said, where did you learn that? And she said, school. No.

Yeah. And what is that? It means a bit, it's like a gat damn. Like a big ass, big ass. Man, I hate that I'm old enough that slang has just passed me the fuck by. I mean, it passed you by 10 years ago when we started the show.

Now we learn things from my seven-year-old. I'm on fleek. No, you're so on fleek. Her dad has drugged her to sleep. I don't love that. Did he? Yeah, he's like, she's like, wow, I slept all day. And he's like, well, yeah,

I gave you some drugs. That's right. I thought that was really, really weird because she saw that thing. Yeah. I thought that was really, really weird. And then she says the most prescient line in film. It's almost like everyone in this town is protecting some nasty little secret and then storms out of the house. She says this apropos of nothing. Later on when that secret starts being revealed, there's only one of them reacts to it. Yeah.

And that is the pastor. Everybody else is like, oh no. What are you fucking talking about? Even the guy who spoiler alert has the book that the scarecrow is looking for and knows where he hid it. Yeah. Doesn't put two and two together. Worst mayor of this town ever.

He's the worst. Yeah, real Luke Ravenstahl. Yeah, rip. He says to her, I don't think you should go out by yourself. Again, she is mid thirties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just going out for smokes.

Yeah, she's driving around and she sees the scarecrow in the rear view mirror. Like maybe he's just puttering around town running his errands. Why doesn't anyone believe her that she saw somebody in the field? Why is that a thing that you? I don't know because I was gonna say her other dads, her uncles don't know about the scarecrow or do they?

No, they do because the priest is the one who tells her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe they're just covering up a nasty little secret, I guess, but they also don't believe about this. They don't know that the scarecrow is back. So an uncle Frank, though, only in this way seems very much like Donald Trump or whoever was the last person to spoke to speak to him. He's like, well, that's the thing. I believe.

So whoever says a thing to him, he's like, Oh, well, that's, that's the truth. That's what I believe. Yeah. Of course. God. Wouldn't it be nice to be so impressionable? Yeah, it would be. It's just nice to be a believe in anything instead of though. I'm just like, Oh, I've doubt everything everyone says to me at all. Yeah. Like I love you or I'm proud of you. Should I be doubting that? No, I doubt that. Oh no. But I love you. And I am proud of you. Well, thank you for saying that.

I love you and I'm proud of you too. So this bar they go to. Oh, she runs into Dillon. They go to the bar. This bar has a pool table and a claw machine. I'm here for it. It's like they're drinking at... Maybe it's like a bowling alley. I don't know. And the pool table is almost too big for the room it's in. Oh yeah.

It's the entire bar. It's a lot of real estate. But of course, John Hawks is there shooting, shooting pool. Being a child. Yeah. Any good at pool? No, no, I'm very bad at it. No, I like shouldn't be allowed to try because I'm afraid I'll scrape up the, Oh true. And then everyone will hate you. It is one of those things that like, Hey, you've been drinking. Would you like to try this thing that you can indeed ruin? Yeah, don't give me anything I can ruin. I'm okay at darts though. Not bad at darts. Oh yeah. Yeah. I like, I'm getting the drunker I get, the better I get until I get too drunk and then I get worse and worse. You know, I would

like to see the curve on that. I would like someone to chart that out. Yeah, same for beer pong. But not flip cup because I'm always good at flip cup. Oh yeah, yeah. Master of flip cup. Hi, I'm 41 years old. This isn't pathetic. When was the last time you flip cupped though? Oh, more recently than I would like to admit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just hitting up frat parties. What are you fucking pussies doing? Let's get drunk with your friends and you're like, well, I'll play flip cup. Yeah, I do.

We're all adults and we just have glasses. I keep solo cups around for reasons, mostly children's parties. This is why you're good at partying and I am not. I mean, it's fine. I wouldn't say I'm good. So Dylan and his, what is this kid's name again? Danny? Yeah, Danny Thompson.

Get into a tiff. Yeah, a little tussle. She pulls him apart and goes, hey, my uncle's dead. Have some respect. These two dudes don't give a dick shit about your uncle. Uncle George hated it when these two fought in the bar. Hey, my uncle's dead. I'm going to start doing that, like someone cuts in line in front of me at twisters.

I'm going to be like, Hey, my uncle's dead. Have some respect. Have some respect. I want that twist. When Rick Sievek pulls in front of you at Paige's Terry Mart. Then you don't do anything. You just let him. So the pastor guy is going to go, he's got to go to church.

He's telling his wife and his now like extremely, uh, uh, chased dress daughter. Yeah. Stephanie. She went from like sucking on a fork to she's, you know, she's very pastor's daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Um, she's sitting in like a fussy arm chair next to her mother. God, your life fucking sucks. And her mother's just like indeterminately European. Yes, she is. Isn't she? They,

the two of them are both very weird looking her and the pastor. And he says to her, this came in the mail today. I'm really disappointed in you and we need to have a talk. But I didn't see it. I was like, is that just a roll of wallpaper? It doesn't show it until he takes it to the church and starts whacking off to it. Okay, it's a catalog called Our Secrets.

It looks like it was cut and pasted by an elementary school kid on their science project. It's like very poster board. Very poster board, but pictures of women in lingerie. Yeah. And I guess that's what came in the mail. And he's like, Oh no, I can't handle it. Hit my asthma inhaler. I'm so horny. My asthma has been triggered. Now let me ask you a question. Alan, as a man with asthma, you ever on Pornhub surfing around and you're just like, Oh shit, I need my inhaler.

Tell the truth. The titties are so good. I can't breathe. I knew it. I'm not going to say it hasn't happened. Okay. Okay. He's hearing the sound of come to me, come to me. And like some sassy moaning. Maybe it's Jesus. I bet Jesus liked to fuck. Anne was probably a generous lover. Jesus doesn't stop till you're done. He gives a hand job like this. Yeah. No, I get it.

No, Alan, I see it. What you're doing on this audio medium that we produce. It was just for you. It was just for me. It was Alan pretending to put a dick through the palm of his hand. That's what it was. Sorry for blaspheming everyone. So it's not as pretty lady in the, in the, in the church though,

that's the church has lit up like a poison concert. It sure is. It's a little cutie little piglet cutie. I hate how cute pigs are because I love salami so much. They're really smart. Great. Well, you have very emotive eyes as well. Uh, I was like, holy shit. Is this dude going to fuck this big? Our secrets. Was it American rejects, the dirty little secret song where they had like all the beautiful people that

are like, I think I'm ugly. No, I don't know. But that sounds right. I just remember being mad at that band because they were like, we're a punk band. I'm like, you're too fucking cute to be in a punk band. No, only Uggos. Yeah. Punk is for us, not for you. Yeah. When punk went mainstream, everybody got too cute. Yeah. Yeah.

So the Scarecrow shows up and we get a POV of him waddling towards the priest. Cause he does have a bit of a waddle despite being a thin man. Hey man, you get hung up in a cornfield for a couple of centuries and see how well you're going to grow. My knees hurt from sitting at my desk. Exactly. Yeah. Also the porn burns him and his hands are like burnt now cause of porn. Oh really? Or did he just jerk it too fast? I think he jerked it too fast. It was too much friction. You got a spill on your palm, mister.

And then, you gotta spit through the hole in your palm. Onto your dick. Onto your dick, oh God. The scarecrow has something in his hand. I'm like, what is this, what is this? String? It is, it's string. He stitches the priest's mouth shut

because everything is D. Snyder's Strangeland everything is D Snider's Strangeland and D Snider's Strangeland is everything. The scarecrow did remove the string from his own mouth to sew the priest's mouth. Did not notice that, but I like the touch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the priest runs straight through a stained glass window and does not die.

No. The scarecrow doesn't go after him. No. Why not? I think he needs him to be the harbinger that goes and warns people that he's coming so he can get his book. He's gotta get someone to lead him to the book.

And I am going to guarantee I just put more thought into that than the people who wrote this one. So much more. So much more. Yeah. I like that explanation though. That's actually bad. That's not bad at all.

Thank you. This movie is like, it's a touch of Satan quality MSC 3K horror movie. Which one is a touch of Satan? Where the guy's driving around and ends up at the farm where the apple-headed witch lady is killing people. And like, there's the one like young witch and the one older sister witch

that looks old for some reason I gotta rewatch that. Yeah, it's a goodie Is real good. I remember some of the jokes, but I don't remember the movie that has a great one where I think Joel puts Tom servo one clue Gulliver watch. Oh, I remember clue Gulliver watch. I Am gonna rewatch that It's a goodie. You know what's one of my favorite episodes is the first Christmas episode with Mike as the host

where Gypsy gives him a sweater that she knitted that says, joink. Joink. That's all I wanted to say. That's one of my favorite gags. All the Christmas ones are great. Yeah. Very Swayze Christmas.

Oh, so good. If you're a youngster and you weren't around the first time around for Mystery Science Theater, what? They're all on YouTube. They're all on YouTube. There's a Mystery Science Theater Roku app and all of it's on there. I introduced Pi to it recently as a non-American.

She had no fucking idea what I was talking about. I was like, this is a seminal part of nerd culture. She loved it. I can remember like coming home late at night and watching an episode of Twin Peaks and then watching Mystery Science Theater. Because this was an age where I would come home at midnight and be like, I'll stay up till four. Yeah, weren't those fun hours though,

like alone in the dark by near house by yourself. Yeah, I loved that. I would always watch 120 minutes because we were of different eras, you and me. I also watched 120 minutes. Yeah, well, it's just cause I was cool. Dave Ken doll. You were probably watching a Matt pinfield. Anyway, just slow dancing in a bar after last call when your uncle has died.

If memory serves, not a slow song. Nope, not a song, not a song period. I don't think I think it's just so they can rub belt buckles. Oh, is that what they're doing? Is that what, is that how babies get made? Yeah. Yeah. You put your belt buckles together and the friction, friction burns your hands. Okay, good. So he's like, oh, if I was some other guy, I'd be doing Jimmy, Jimmy, whim, whim. And she's like, yeah, you would be doing that. Luckily. You're not every guy.

He's like women use me and then discard me. It's like, do they though? Sir, do you, in 20 years, you're going to be able to get on a message board and be king of that message board. Seriously. I'm not the kind of guy that women stick around with. All these slutty women just keep fucking and leaving. I'm real bad at sex and it's their fault. Yeah. Lucy gets real mad at me because I've tried to convince her that Hollywood Nights by Bob Seeger is a song about a man being real bad at sex and his girlfriend leaves him. She had all the right moves. He didn't.

That song's so upbeat. It's simple, the drums. So yeah, so she's like, well, I haven't made up my mind whether or not I'm going to go home and get dicked down by you. And then he like lays a smooch on her and she's like, I've made up my mind. God, so gross. I do declare that I'm ready to have intercourse. She's this other lawyer.

Yana. I do not object to this fucking. And then the pastor's daughter is in bed with John Hawks, inexplicably. Yeah. She, I, at first I thought they were having an, someone was having a nightmare, but it's not a nightmare. It's just Stephanie. Is he like fingering her and her reactions?

No. Oh God, no. I have no idea. I have no idea. I wrote, she's fucking the child, I guess. Is she a child? Is everyone okay? Also, the fucking starts in her parents' house,

where she's asleep and he's fingering her a thing. I have no idea. Which, unless it's a prior arrangement, that's not a good look, my man. No, you have to consent to that in advance. Yeah. And then they're like in his van, which is a fuck van. They go outside to fuck in a camper van because it's just good old rural living,

I think. And then ring that bell. It's just so far away. Gotta get it. She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a...

She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a...

She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a...

She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... She had a... bell. Such a good bell. Do you have a note that says ring that bell? No.

Oh, okay. Cause I have a note. They're in the van now. Ring that bell. Oh, I wrote titty bell, but. Cause them titties come out. Cause she, and she is really enjoying him rubbing his forehead on her rib cage. I thought, is that what men like?

I just don't understand. I mean, as far as I know, that's where the G spot is. Right between your fourth and fifth ribs. That's the one that Adam gave you. Cause we're all your sister or whatever. He says something to her that I rewound a couple of times trying to figure out about being the hot short one. I don't know. I don't know either. No idea.

Yeah, I don't know. But then he just like gets up and he's like, I gotta go out and get something from somewhere. He goes out to get a beer. Why isn't the beer in the camper van with you? It's in like a hole in the ground or something. What are you doing? And she puts all of her clothes back on.

Not only does she put all of her clothes back on, but she turns on a strobe light and puts on headphones. Why does she have a strobe light in the camper van? I don't know. I don't know. So the child goes out to get a beer and the scarecrow gets him. Yeah.

And I thought, is it getting more like people like, or was that just the first time I saw it lit? And I think it's just the first time I saw it lit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the scarecrow goes into the van with her and the strobe light. And I'm thinking the strobe light is on so you can't see however, how terrible,

whatever effect is about to happen. So dooky. But the scarecrow puts like finger butter into her mouth. He like goes for a grope first. Oh sure. Which I just find to be very gross. Yeah. But then again, when you learn about him, it does, I guess it makes sense. I have some, I have some statements about his, about him later. So he puts the scarecrow butter into her mouth and then, Oh God. Oh God. That's what it looked like. I know. And then he leaves and John Hawkes comes back in and he's like, Hey,

how are you doing? He goes, Oh, I don't know much of me. But didn't the scarecrow, didn't he just see the scarecrow? The scarecrow knocked him out or knocked him down or something. Why is he not? Why is he not? Why? That's yes. And I can say emphatically, yes. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Because the child isn't dead. He stands up, long live the child.

And she's also not dead, but very sweaty and calling for her dad? Yeah, yeah. I have written here, oh, the scarecrow busts through her chest and the strobe light and in all caps, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God, this is magical.

So I must have really liked this scene. It busted of her chest and then everywhere else on her body. Yeah. And it's vines. Yeah. Corn vines. Corn. Corn vines.

Does a girl want a vine? No. And the corn vines. That's how you thresh it. You get it off the vine by threshing it. Drag her into the ground. Yeah, as the child watches with a vague interest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he runs off. Seemingly for help, maybe not, because he's just kind of like looking around. Yeah. And then we find out my favorite power of the scarecrow. Which is what? That he could travel through haystacks. Yes, he can.

And this is the first time he speaks, but I thought he said, you will pay the rent. I don't know what he can. And this is the first time he speaks. I thought he said, you will pay the rent. I don't know what he says. And then he went into the opening number from rent the musical. I don't know. I've never seen that either. Oh my God. But why can he travel through hay? Why? Because he's made of hay. Oh, hay. Hay. Sorry, I make hay a two syllable word. Hay. Hay.

Hay. Hay. But like, yes, some of him is. Some of him is buttons. Yeah. What are they, hay buttons? Ugh. So we get a scene of Stephen Root, Uncle Frank,

talking to the mayor, his brother. He's like, this is getting out of control, Frank. Cause they've found John Hawks body. Right? Yeah. Right. No one has found Stephanie because she is under the ground now. Stephanie lives underground and forevermore will. Yeah. She's gone. Yeah. We never, that's a wrap on Stephanie. So fucking mayor guy decides to frame his daughter's dude for a double murder, even though he's working for him and seems to be a fine employee. Yeah.

That's insane. That's bat shit. Yeah. Like there are levels of corruption to this mayor character that are not bore out anywhere else in his life. Seemingly like just being that willing to frame somebody for murder. Like you, that's not, that's not a, that's not a starting point. To keep them away from your daughter whom you hadn't seen in years anyway. And again, I cannot repeat myself enough. He's in her mid thirties. Always going to be his little girl though. But he hates her. He hates her. Yeah. But she's mine to hate. That's fair. But my father feels that way. Oh, come on now.

Fuck that dude. Oh yeah. Fuck that dude. He's just mad I have a better ponytail. So he says, the mayor says to his brother, as always, let me spell it out for you. And I just thought like, how the fuck are both of these men elected officials? They're the worst. And Steven Root is just seemingly trying to do his job.

He's just trying to be a good man. But again, believing the last thing anyone said to him. Yes, exactly, exactly. So he says, you're more interested in your damn land deal than your family. I thought, well, yeah, fuck yeah, he is. Yeah, family ain't paying the bills. How much money are you making him?

Yeah. Cut to Dylan and Claire fucking in the motel. Seedy motel. But she is leaving because something doesn't feel right with her family that she had apparently not seen in ages before this. But before I take off, I'm going to rail this dude. Just to see if old one and done is really up for it. Old Hollywood nights over here.

And her boyfriend's like, yeah, I'm gonna go with you. Cause yeah, your family just fucking loves you. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, of course she will. Her uncle priest stumbles into the CD motel. Why? Why was he going there? Was he looking for her? Did he know she'd be fucking at the CD motel? I don't know. But what's your first reaction be to cut your uncle priest's mouth open? I mean, why did she cut those strings in random order?

She thought there were notes assigned to it and she was trying to play a song. Maybe, but she does. And the, and the priest, uncle priest says, has he taken my daughter? Has he claimed her? Of course he has. He says Barbara, Barbara, Barbara, Of course he has. He says, Barbara, Barbara, Barbara. Barbara, Barbara, spicy Barbara. No one will be spared from what sir? He has come back for generations.

We've been fucking it up. I don't, what is happening? So he tells the story of Silas Goodman. A hundred years ago. A farmer. And I have to say right off the bat, I feel like this dude did a good deal for the town. The warlock?

Yeah. Absolutely. He came to town. First of all, I just want to say Silas Goodman is dressed like it is Puritan times. It's would be 1895. That's the Victorian era. Also had the beer I had when I was, beard I had when I was like 19.

So 1995? So I might've been in this beard. I had when I was like 19. So in 1995. So I might've been in this. It might be Silas Goodman. So they have built permanent structures on this land where nothing can be farmed. Maybe wait and see if you can farm the land before you put up the buildings with the windows. But okay. Or make a deal with a devil who's going to give you corn and everyone gets to fucking nut. Yes, so for those of you who did not watch this film, I'm going to explain this. A magic man shows up.

He makes the land fertile, he makes the water clean, he does everything for this town to keep it running and prosperous. And what's he want in return, Katie? He just wants to fuck. He just wants to fuck. He just wants to fuck. And he's not, doesn't seem to be magic fucking, hypnotizing. He just introduces pleasure to the people.

Like of course your daughter wants to fuck the warlock. The fucking, the ladies in town are like, yeah, he does mouth stuff, it's great. He does mouth stuff, it's great. And also then there's all these other old dudes there fucking too. Yeah, so he's like, hey, let me show you how to do this. He's just trying to populate the town.

Maybe he's just trying to make people happier. Maybe he's doing a good thing. This just reminded me that someone on blue ski, uh, send us a message. It just said hashtag death nut. And I said, is that something we said? Cause I have no recollection of either of us saying it, but that is a hundred percent something we would say. 100% you, that's an Alan joke. It's a good one.

So we learned that he had a book of magic spells. Yeah, yeah. And one of them was coming. Yeah. And he doesn't have to cast it that many times. Everybody's coming. Also, this movie, or this part of the movie, a surprising amount of titties.

Oh, yeah. It is nicer on my chair than on the table. Yeah. And like, a fine variety. There's like middle-aged women titties. And big titties and little titties. Because A-T-A-B. All titties are beautiful.

All titties are beautiful. All titties are beautiful. Look for the All Titties are Beautiful shirt in the Werewolf Ambulance store. We are told that this warlock is a demon. Yeah. Even though everyone's happy, everybody's fucking. Yeah, yeah. What?

What? Yeah. Why would the rest of the town agree with Silas on killing him? Because. He hangs up there for two days. Why doesn't anyone save him? Because they couldn't make their wives come and he couldn't.

But also, wouldn't you be afraid that killing the magical power that has allowed your land to flourish would, you know, say, prevent the land from flourishing? Yes. But have you thought about putting his bones into a child-sized coffin with a piece of concrete on top of it with a cross on it? I had not thought of that. Yeah, That's going to keep him in the ground. It does for a hundred years, I guess. Yeah. Cause they, they turned his magic book against him because while he was out fucking, they were reading his book. Yes. They, yes. Silas just go fuck. Just go fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you get in on it?

There's old dudes, fucking young ladies. Grow in your mustache and go fuck. Silas. Why don't you get in on it? There's old dudes fucking young ladies. Grow in your mustache and go fuck. Go fuck, yeah. Why did he not curse the town? Because he did not have his book with him? Is he so not powerful that he needs the book? I guess the book is his power base because he really needs that book. He really needs the book.

Although he's very powerful. Seemingly. Yeah, he's getting corn to spank booties and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Although we could be wrong. That could just be corn. Corn get in touch. Yeah. And not with a K. Not with your fucking K. Actually you guys can write in. That first album wasn't terrible. I don't think. We said a lot of things about a certain vocalist of corn during the Queen of the Damned episode. I was just mad because they didn't let Aaliyah dance. Just imagine a world where you're a vampire and you wake up to new battle and be like,

the sound I've been waiting for. I shall get up and not just stay here. I like that every generation has to erect a new scarecrow. Yeah. And then I thought like, I like the idea of like the Gen X one wearing flannel and like the millennial one is wearing like neon. And then like at some point Christian Siriano is there for the dressing scarecrow. I love Christian Siriano. And I'm because you were just watching project runway downstairs, weren't you? I love Christian Siriano. It turns out when the world is going to shit, sometimes you just need to rewatch

fucking project one runway. Absolutely. And look at all the weird looks that everyone makes. There's so many seasons too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really fun to go back and watch the really old seasons when the fashion is terrible. Yeah. And everything was like four to ratio on the screen.

It's very weird. It looks like shit. Yeah. So Claire has Dylan take her uncle home. Seems like he should go to the hospital and maybe get like an IV antibiotic drip. What? He's just had scarecrow mouth meat in his own mouth meat.

He doesn't care. He's also told this whole story and his acting voice is, acting, you know? He's got really strong community theater vibes. He's got gravitas. Yes. You know, I'm the voiceover for Mon Grove Chevrolet.

You may be familiar with me. Uh. They say the voice that launched a fleet of Cadillacs. He says something about how if the scarecrow, how he knows all this, I don't know. Exactly. The scarecrow gets the book. He will reunite spirit with flesh and will become whole again. What?

Yep. Who can say? And apparently he needs his bones as well, but that's never mentioned. I'm not real clear on that. And then the scarecrow pops up and says, finish my block. And then I was like, oh no, no, no, where's my book? Where's my book?

Finish my block? I'm doing so cool and I can't figure out what the last number is. It's eight, it's eight. Thank you. You're so welcome. I'm It's eight, it's eight. Thank you. You're so welcome. I'm gonna go fuck a farmer's wife now, goodbye. We gotta go see May or dad first. Oh my God.

Yeah, cause they immediately buy this bullshit, this man with the sewn mouth shut look is doing. And they're just like, yeah, let's go do this. Of course this is what happened. They like sort of set this up earlier in the movie where she's like, the whole town is hiding some nasty little secret, even though she had no reason to think that.

So the first secret that she hears is the one that everyone's hiding. And he likes to fuck her, so there you have it. Thank you. Yeah, I sorted it. How does the scarecrow kill the mayor? He pins him to the wall with like fireplace accoutrements or swords, I couldn't tell.

Yes. Okay both. Yes and, yes. The scarecrow is in the like fully lit house at this point and you can tell exactly how dookie it looks. Yeah. What does he do to the mayor once he is nailed to the wall? Okay, okay.

He, the mayor dad says, go fuck yourself, which I thought was very funny for the mayor to say. And the scarecrow says, I want you to sympathize with me. The scarecrow says that, I want you to sympathize with me. Like he's in, like he's in fucking couples counseling with mayor dad. I just want you to sympathize with me just once in a while. That's so weird. It's such a weird thing to say.

The scarecrow has been literally just like making guttural moans and three word sentences I cannot make out. Where's my block? Rocking. Finish my block. Rocking with Dawkin. I want you to sympathize with me. What he do to make him sympathize with him?

Stabs him with a something, I guess. Hay. Hay. And now he has hay thingies. And then he has, hay shoots out of his eyes. He shoots out of his eyes. And then he is completely covered in hay. But as you can imagine, it doesn't look like hay.

At this point, my lovely partner walks in the room and goes, why is that pasta man stuck to the wall? Because it looks like he's made of pasta. Because his eyes are bleeding, so it looks like meatballs. It looks like pasta man is stuck to the wall. So I just called him pasta papa, and I was so happy with pasta papa. Very good. Counterpoint though, maybe she thought he was an Italian him pasta papa and I was so happy with pasta papa. Very good.

Counterpoint though, maybe she thought he was an Italian American actor and you know how fucking racist she is. Pasta man. I just thought the chess pulmonteria walked into the room. Very good. Not a Joe Mangionello. Stephen Cognati. Chuck Mangione. Why do pastors' wives always have to do needle point?

Seems like it sucks. Yeah. I don't do no needle point. I have needle point, but I haven't started it. I was like, I should probably get into needle point. I, okay. You want to do it together? Sure.

Why not? Okay. All right. The thing that I just said seems like it fucking sucks. I feel like it'd just be nice to like, for like kind of idle hands, but then I feel like I'm real bad at paying attention sometimes,

as everyone who's ever listened to an episode of this podcast knows. What's this now? I don't know, like it was supposed to be a beautiful church scene, and instead it's a map of the universe. Maybe. Wow. Great work.

We get back to the pastor's house, but it looks just like the inside of everybody's house. I think it might be one house is everyone's house, but it becomes very confusing. And how has the pastor's wife been taken care of? She's got a sampler stitch to her head or nailed to her head, unclear. I think it's like, it looks like crochet needles are jammed into it.

Yeah, which you wouldn't use for that, but okay. No, that's a piece of extreme needle point if you're crocheting it. Yeah, then it's crocheting. I can knit, I'll teach you to knit. Oh, love that, love that for us. And then I just have a note that says Scareco has jokes, but I don't know what he did that has jokes.

I think it might just be, oh, it's the sampler that she's stitching is starting to say do unto others. Oh yeah. I don't know. Yeah, Scareco got jokes. Oh no, here's what it is. The priest holds up a cross and he recoils at it.

Oh, that's right. And then he's like, ha ha ha, just kidding. I think he says, I fooled you. He's such a prick. Once he learns how to talk. This movie feels like every day they showed up and they were like, okay, what do we do today? Yeah. What are we going to do? Um, well you guys remember how the scarecrow had jokes and like, I don't, not last year. I did a lot of cocaine last time we were together.

So Frank comes and arrest Dylan because the last thing he heard was that Dylan was a criminal. Yeah. And then he, he kicks open the door to a room in the house, which was locked from the inside and the pastor is now dead too. With like a light bulb jammed in the mouth. I don't know why. I thought maybe it was the cross, but I don't know. I can't tell you.

I couldn't tell you. It was very hard to watch this movie. Not because it's bad, but because it was really hard to see. Yeah, very dark. Yeah. I think I would have loved this movie if I could have seen it. Does that make sense?

I was like just straining so hard. What if this is the movie that you loved as a child? I'm not a child. I literally saw this in like 2012, I think. I actually don't know. I'm starting to wonder if I ever saw it. What if this is all just a thing I dreamed? I would love that so much. This wild goose chase that you said has to play it on.

I genuinely do think it was the military one mixed with like another movie I saw and possibly a fever dream. So Claire finds her pasta papa and I don't remember that. Yeah. She runs into a room and sees her dad nailed to the wall and she's like, Oh no. And then Frank is like, you know what? Your dad did tell me about a hiding place. He conveniently remembers the secret hiding place in the attic. He's tells, she's like, he's like, you go outside. I've got Dylan in the car. And she says,

no. And he says, okay, yeah. Why don't you guys let Dylan out of the car maybe he could help with the scarecrow or at least die for his new girlfriend he may or may not have murdered someone but they know it he's looking for the secret scarecrow book he's i think he knows Dylan's not the murderer he does but we have to have this scene where inexplicably you're looking around this attic with flashlights and my god the scarecrow shows up holding a flashlight and I lost my fucking mind. The part I lost my fucking mind about was not that the scarecrow was holding a flashlight, but that he turned on the overhead light, flipped a switch.

I died. I fell to the ground and said, Lord, take me. It wasn't that they were looking at a hiding place that was under an eight foot tall marble cross that they just easily pushed out of the way. Oh, what's that? It's a giant fucking cross. That's what it is. What are you talking about? What's this now? Okay. So shooting it does nothing hitting it does nothing,

but it does make sounds like, Oh, it's saying it's making sad whale sounds. but it does make sounds like, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. It's saying, it's making sad whale sounds. I love that we're over an hour into this movie. Are we really? I still have so many notes. I got so many notes. Oh, shit. This is the movie.

I've decided you're wrong. This is the movie. This is the movie. Like, yes, Claire at this point has the book, but I'm fine with all of them dying in the warlock coming back to show everyone about the joy of sex. Like it's 1995. Everybody need it. Hi, I'm the scarecrow. I don't believe the female orgasm is a myth. Wow. Really? Third time watching this scene to figure out what happens to Steven Root. Oh, he gets hit a few times dead or not.

Who can say? Oh, but it will come back. It will come back. The scarecrow runs funny. That's it. He runs like Keanu Reeves. So Claire, rather than liberating her boyfriend, I guess, I guess they're dating now. Oh, they're together forever.

Once you've experienced this, this is it. Listen, we had mediocre sex and then went through some sort of scarecrow crap. How do you know it was mediocre? Maybe it was warlock sex. Every other woman has walked away from this man. Hollywood, Hollywood nights. I don't know. Maybe their parts were meant for each other. Maybe he was like, Oh shit, that's where it is. What it is, is up for you to decide, listener. No, it's the clit. It's not up for you to decide. Find it. There's a book in my father's

attic that I have to go and find and they'll tell me where the clit is. Oh, there probably is. father's attic that I have to go and find and they'll tell me where the clit is. Oh, there probably is. Um, so it's a penthouse from 1965 destroying the myth of the clitoris from penthouse magazine. Dylan is holding the, his big lighter to the book, trying to read it. I was like, please catch it on fire. Please, please, please. Holding it so close. So close.

So close that I was like, well, why is he gonna burn it? Yeah, why would that help? She is now driving the cop car. He's in the back and they get stopped at a... A checkpoint. A checkpoint, why is there a checkpoint? Because Frank the Sheriff has said that they're looking for Dylan before he captured him and did not radio into his body.

Told no one. So she pulls up in the cop car and they're like, get the fuck down, get the fuck down. They would know her as the daughter of the mayor and niece of the sheriff and pastor. She's been gone since she was like 43. So they haven't seen her in a minute. She's changed. She's changed a lot in between 31 and 34. At this point I have a note that just says that this movie is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. The scarecrow keeps getting shot and screaming,

but doesn't hurt. I thought like, are they shooting the actor with blanks really close? And he hates it. He hates it. Why did you put all the squibs on my nipples? That's where you like it. So he kills the cops.

It's fucking stupid. Yeah. I think these guys were cast as cops only because one of them had a mustache. Oh my God. Yes, he was perfect. So Claire and Dylan are like, oh my God, we have to run away. Or maybe it's the cop that runs away. Anyway, the scarecrow has a scythe in his hand and he looks at it and he are like, Oh my God, we have to run away. Or maybe it's the cop that runs away. Anyway, the scarecrow has a scythe in his hand

and he looks at it and he's like, it's boomerang shaped and just chucks it and it's so funny. He chucks it into the back of the cop car, which caused her to wreck it. To which I wrote, this is why women shouldn't drive. That's a joke. But he threw it into the back of the cop car and it just seemingly landed in the back of the cop car.

Like it didn't hurt. No, it hurt no one. It just scared, it gave her a little fright. She drove off the road. We gotta burn the bones. We gotta burn the bones. So Dylan goes in the hole, I guess. But he's like, she's holding him in the hole

and he keeps going, lower, lower. What do you want her to do? I'm like, Dylan, climb in the fucking hole. Dylan, just go. It's not deep if you can reach it with your torso in there. Dylan, jump in the fucking hole. Dylan, just go. It's not deep if you can reach it with your torso in there. Dylan, jump in the hole. Dylan, get in there. She's got a propane torch and he gets the book.

They're going to make it happen. And then something just explodes on Dylan. I don't know what it is. I have a note that says corn chase, because someone gets chased through the core. I like that. That's my new favorite cereal. It cleans you out. It's corn with the chase of going to the lab.

Corn chasing your corn. The more we say corn, the less it sounds like a word. Corn. Am I saying it right? Corn. Oh my God. It's Pontypool all over again. Oh my God. It's Poncy pool all over again. Corn. Corn. How many syllables are in corn? How many W's are in corn?

Corn. So a hatchet hurts him, but gunshots, nah. So fucking, cause I think they actually just hurt the actor. Oh yeah. They actually cut his arm off. And then Frank shows back up. But she's just shaking something. The bones, it's the box of the bones. Why is she shaking them?

Cause it makes him go, Hey, oh, hey. Like every time she kicks it or shakes it, it makes the fucking, the little dude jump. I gotcha. I missed that. I had my, I wrote myself a note here that says reminder to tell Alan that my laptop is at 100% brightness. So I don't know. I mean, I watched this on the big screen on the TV. So I feel like having it, the pixels even larger probably helped the 16 bit movie that I'm watching.

I just, I have a note that says, what is the handcuff? Meet me at the handcuff. Yep. What does the handcuff? I don't know. Okay. Do not know. Never mentioned before, never seen again.

Never seen again. Okay. So they're gonna burn him. You're gonna burn them bones. And he's dumping gasoline around the scarecrow. No, no, no, no, no. We have to talk about how he kills Steven Root first. Oh, okay. The reason I know this isn't the movie is because I would absolutely remember a scarecrow

blowing hay at Steven Root in order to kill him. I would not forget that. And Steven Root turns to the camera and goes, I got my SAG after card. Yeah. I got insurance this year. He was in office space this year, I think. Wasn't office space 1995 somewhere there about. 1999, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, no, he hadn't spaced his office yet. No. He wasn't looking for his stapler just yet.

No, classic, classic Steven Root. First time I remember seeing Steven Root was on an episode of Night Court. Ah, I love Night Court. Where you thought he was the devil. It was very good. The Scarecrow is digging in the box, but I thought he only needed the book. So what is he digging for?

I don't know. He's looking for his... It looks like he's trying to put his bones back together so he can reanimate himself. Okay. Like as a puzzle. I just fucking wish that he would have turned back into the warlock and got to the fuckens. I wish that at some point the movie had been like, look, this is what's happening. Yeah.

Just so you know. Just so I know. I know we didn't do a great job, but this is what's happening. Yeah. You guys might think we're not doing a good job of explaining what's happening, but we're doing the best job. So they blow up the scarecrow, but he's not dead yet. Now he's less of a scarecrow than he used to be.

She says, how about some fire scarecrow? Which I thought should really be, she should be taken out back and shot for. You might want to take me off for being excited that Claire has a flare. Claire has a flare. He makes a sad whale noise and the building blows up. Were the bones in there? I don't know. It's just Pee-wee

Herman. I can't. I have turned. I've gone full on. So now he's going to finger Claire's mouth. I guess he's not dead. He's not dead. Yeah. And Dylan can't hold the casket because it's too hot. Yeah. He knocks and then he knocks Dylan down and he drags Claire around by the hair, which we're getting from a POV, but who's who's it's no one's us. I think it's our POV at this point. The camera is us, but it's cinema verity. Okay, fine. So she, she, they, they, they're able to, uh, uh, uh, like kill him somehow. I don't even fucking remember.

Dylan takes his shirt off. Oh, that's right. To hold the casket to get us too hot. And then he smashes him with farm equipment. Yeah. Yeah. He's a construction foreman. And then, uh, Claire spits out the butter that was in her mouth.

I couldn't tell what that was. And then the butter crawls into the ground setting up for the sequel. Scarecrow two night, night of the scarecrow two. Is this the one you saw Katie? My last note? I mean, okay, I guess. Oh, Katie. Alan. Katie.

Alan. Give me a rating on this. This is not the scarecrow I was looking for, but very fun. All the same. I think it would be fun to have on it like a movie marathon or something like that. Um, it's nonsensical trash. And I think I would have liked it a lot more if the scarecrow was just different. The character design, it looked so bad. Bring in that scarecrow from the one with the military guy.

That's right. And it's not hard to make a scary scarecrow. No. Yeah. I mean, we're all part crow. We're terrified of them. What? Huh? Alan's theories of biology. I actually really enjoyed it though. It's not good. I'm going to give it a six and a half. I love that. I'll give it a six. It was a good time. It was mad stupid. Listen, something's about to happen. We're next week. We're going to do a movie called pumpkin head,

blood wings, blood wings, colon pumpkin head. As far as I know. Let's make sure that's available. So, oh my God, you're right. Blood wings. I think blood wings is all one word too. Oh, that's 1994. Keep it in the family. Oh my God. Oh yeah, it's streaming all over the place. Oh God, why are we doing this? Is Lance Henriksen in it? Of course he's not. Oh, he's not?

I don't know. No. No. But it does have Andrew Robinson and Soleil Moonfry. Soleil Moonfry. Yeah, hell yeah. Who is that? I know the name. Oh, she's Punky Brewster. Punky Brewster. Fucking Punky Brewster. Brewster. It's fucking Punky Brewster.

You know, everybody called me Punky Brewster when I was a kid because I had freckles and pigtails. Yeah. Yeah. Sucked. Oh my God. I just looked at you and I was like, yes, a hundred percent. Now look at my child. Oh, Linnea Quigley is in it, my dude. Oh, this is going to be great. Oh, I'm actually happy now. Yes. So come back. And it's only an hour and 28 minutes, which I have to say, this movie was an hour and 24. And I was like, ah, let me luxuriate. Come back for Pumpkinhead 2 Bloodwings. Yeah.

How far into this are we? We're an hour and 13 minutes into this. This is the longest episode we've ever done. Yeah, and it's about to get a whole fucking lot longer. Why? Because we're about to do a thing, Katie. OK. We were sent some things in the mail.

We're going to start off with a package of one. You are suddenly talking so quickly, it's really stressing me out. Sorry, Katie. I'll slow down. No, don't. This was sent to us by friend of the podcast, Mark P. Hi, Mark P. Mark P has sent us licorice ice. What? Yeah. Oh wait. Is this where we tell people if they don't like eating, they should just check out now? Yes. Okay. If you don't like eating, you should check out now cause we're about to do some taste testing.

We each got a bag. Thank you. I'm fucking starving right now. Oh, this is great. Pepper bites with a hint of sweet licorice. That sounds right up my alley. I can't get it open. Good thing you have a knife, knife teeth.

Teeth, nature's knife. Licorice ice in Holland is called school. Crate, crate, crate or crates. Like a crate. I really like this. It's mad good. No one else in my house is gonna like it. It's all for you.

Oh my God. I really like this. That's mad good. No one else in my house is gonna like it. It's all for you. Oh my God. I really like this. Thank you Mark. Thank you Mark, I really like this. Katie, I believe this is from a friend of the podcast, Mortimer. Mortimer? Sent us an entire box of Swedish candies. Swedish candies, what the hell?

What do we do to deserve this? Oh, we're rad dudes with rad toots. I'm a rad dude out with a rad tootette actually can i still say that or is that not feminist say whatever you want it's america oh yeah freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose i love that song of course you do chris christopherson wrote it really uh-huh Of course you do Chris Christopherson wrote it. Really? Uh huh. For Janis Joppa? Or is that a cover?

I don't know if you wrote it for her specifically. I could be. I just said a thing with the utmost confidence that I'm 73% sure about. The thing is Alan, I trust and love you so much at everything you say I believe, even though I know this thing about this thing, is misplaced confidence to be true. I'll hear something once aka mishear it. And then your hearing ain't great. So this is a box from the Bon Bon Swedish Candy Company. Oh my god I can't stop eating this hold on I have stop so I have room for other candies Yes, exactly. My candy tank would want empty too. This is so crucial.

Ah. Ah. What is it? This is... Oh my god. What? What, what, what, what? Holy shit.

Hold on. I'm seeing how many up there. There are five bags of sour gummy fish. What? Sour wild strawberry. Mortimer, you wild man. Sour blackberry. Oh, toss that one here.

Dibs on that one first, thanks. Love blackberry. Sour peach. Oh my God. Sour elderflower, which is where I'm going in. Oh my gosh, I cannot wait to eat this. Oh my god, look at the lady on the back. Do you have a lady?

No, mine's got an old timey car. Oh man, I got a lady with a little kid and a bunch of flowers. I think this kid's wearing a hospital gown. Yeah. I don't think that seems right. You're Swedish. Oh, the kids are infirmed. I hate that for them.

Sour blackberry fish. Oh my god, there's so much blackberry fish. Oh my god. There's so much sour on this. Oh my god. Oh fuck. Holy shit. I don't think about the female orgasm being a myth. Oh, it's not true.

Fuck, I love this. I love candy. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, the elderflower is so nice. This says natural flavor blackberry type. Oh. Oh. Katie, isn't it over yet? How could it possibly not be over? It was. There is salty licorice twists. Do you get down on salty licorice? I've never had salty licorice.

I'm excited to experience this with you. Oh me too. I didn't eat dinner tonight. I shouldn't have my dinner. Oh, so yeah. I had like six breath mints on the way over. Thanks. Oh, salty licorice is a fucking delight. I love it. I love the kind that has ammonia in it Oh, I do remember you telling me this. Oh It smells so strange. Oh That's really good That's really nice that's for you. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing it with me all the more for you

Oh, I gotta get the taste out of my mouth back to the mint licorice mint This is a bag from the bonbon Swedish candy company. Are they sponsoring us this week? Or is this more remember what what? This is more Swedish candy fuck. Yes. Thank you. What's Christ? Why are people so nice? It makes me want to cry There's two bags of these so you try one. Oh, thanks. What is this? This is unlabeled. It's just as sweet as... Okay.

So what we're looking at here is like a... This is banana flavored. Oh, you love it! It's a strange texture. Dude, it's got like a circus peanut consistency. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, I'm into that. Jesus Christ.

It's banana and chocolate. Is it chocolate? Yeah. I'm so happy. Mark P. Mortimer, thank you so much. Both of you. There's a chocolate bar in here too. Yeah. Can't right now? Can't right now. I'm on this right now. And there's a bag of Sir Skull Jelly Free. What? Which is more jelly treats. Thank you guys so so so much. Oh I couldn't be

happier. I hope if you don't like the sound of me talking with food in my mouth you've turned this off. I hope yeah I mean how could you know by now I've been consistently eating and talking for the last five minutes. The banana flavored one is fucking bomb. Yeah. Holy shit. Can I fit another? Yes. Yeah. Of course you can. It's America. Do whatever you want. Okay. I got a strawberry in your travel. I feel like that's something you can take home and nobody else is going to want to fuck with either any of this. Oh, actually the raspberry ones they might, but I'm going to hide those in my work bag. Well, we've also got a sour strawberry, the wild, wild strawberry, because Swedish just isn't,

strawberry is not enough, it's gotta be wild. Wild strawberry. Y'all, thank you so fucking much. Thank you so fucking much. Honestly, I had a rough day today, and I feel so much better. Eh? It's the sugar and it's the kindness that matters.

Candy always makes you feel better until it doesn't, which I often end up. Bit of a bell curve on that, too. Kindness always makes you feel better until it doesn't, which I often end up. Bit of a bell curve on that too. Kindness always makes me feel better. Yeah. Thank you guys, you guys are the best. I'm still eating, I'm sorry. I, yeah, it's been a rough

Chex watch. Decade. So thank you all so much for doing this. Thank you to Mark and Mortimer for sending us this. I don't know if that's your real name Mortimer. I'm sorry. It is to me. But these are fucking delightful. I'm still eating.

I'm sorry. I can't stop. Once you put this is a candy problem for me. I apologize to everyone when we are now going to record the next month or this month's Patreon. Patreon episode. So get ready for candy combat. I'll put it away. I'll put it away.

Mortal candy? My God. We love you all. I love you all. Every last one of you. Even the ones who don't send us candy. Yeah. And I mean, you can if you want, but I'll still love you. Baked goods, no homemade items. I don't trust you guys. Definitely

say Katie and message was like, we got a box of candy from a distributor. You sent me homemade brownies. I'm going to assume they're laced with PCP. Oh man homemade though. All right well you roll the dice. Well I better get this out now. Y'all are the best we're so lucky to have such amazing people listening and enjoying this podcast. I'm in shock I'm ready. So come back next week for blood wings, pumpkin head two. Pumpkin head two, blood wings. Sans Lantendrickson.

Cause why do we do this to ourselves? Cause we have to, we're mentally compelled to. It's an affliction. It's a compulsion, yeah. I'm ill. You're not sick. You're ill. Thank you for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance. Bye! Bye bye.

You should know that Katie had to swallow candy before she could say bye. I'm still chewing and I can't stop eating candy. Woohoo! Many acts aint on dead pools So many sightings at the pool No way to end Finland's cute, fun, filled reviews Killer clouds and landmuff face No, we do it, Finland's cute, full of filth reviews Killer clowns and member face Kill him and let him out of his space Appearance on glassy and paste Please make eye-continue grave

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