Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 521- Lake Placid (1999)

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

In this week's episode, we're continuing our little springtime jaunt around the 1990s with the turn of the century creature film "Lake Placid." Special topics for your consideration include: criming 1990s eyebrow fashion, a bit of science on how lakes work (being fun is better than knowing things), characters who could only be improved by a meteor hitting them, hailing the queen herself Betty White, and a true oatron saint of this podcast Steve Miner. Steve Miner's movies are funny. May i recommend my favorite, "House?" It's Episode 236. The  regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. Get in this month and vote for our next film! leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.comif you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down

How does this movie not take place in upstate New York? How does it not? Do you like the little nod to the actual place called Lake Placid in this movie? Yeah. Where they're like, it was already taken. Yeah, they were gonna call it Lake Placid, but it's already taken.

And I was like, wait, what? Huh? So much of this movie is built around the fact that people in Maine are assholes. Sure. Why would you call it Lake Placid? Come up with anything, anything, anything. There are lakes in Maine.

You could name it after one of those. Prove it. May one lake. Lake. Maine. Maine. I love Maine. I have never had a bad time in Maine.

Yeah. I've mained, I've mained. This motherfucker wouldn't play in my Google Chrome, so I had to watch it in Microsoft Edge, where I don't have the speed control. So I had to watch this at one speed. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what was going on.

It's so slow. I know, it was just why it wouldn't play in Chrome. Oh. It's like, why do I have to open up Edge on my laptop? I thought you had no idea what was going on because you couldn't follow a plot this slow. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Listen, ever since we watched Crank

and I started doing Crank, I just need all the movies to be really fast at all times. Is that not, was that not the plan? Wait, did you watch Crank at one and a half speed? Crank 2, I definitely watched at an increased speed. Jesus Christ, that must have been insufferable. Yeah. Must've been insufferable. I mean, it was insufferable at half speed. I slowed it down.

So it was like a good drone. It was like the drama of this film. Uh, I'm Alan. I'm Katie. This is where we'll be ambulance that you've tuned into on the radio that you've just happened to fall into. Well, 97.7 on the dial. Where will be the millions? Lake Placid. 1999, the Millennium. What Milan chose

this movie? I think it was you. It was me. It was you. Um, this is good old Steve Miner. We're such, we're so, I think he might be the director that we have covered the most on this even more than Argento. He's the OGist of directors for sure because he is episode uno. Warlock. Warlock. Yeah.

Warlock House, like a couple of the Friday the 13th that we've done. Yep. Halloween H2O. Oh yeah, classic. Classic. Little Josh Hartnett with his baby bangs. Big beautiful melons.

Big beautiful melons. A thing I say about anytime anyone says the word melons and it's like never appropriate. It's not good. I'm glad that you also suffer from that disease. Oh yeah. Oh, it's just, it's, it's Pavlovian at this point. Someone says melons and I'm like, It's Pavlovian at this point. Someone says. And I thought he was doing like a New York accent at the beginning, but that is only for this scene.

And I thought, oh, that makes sense. They're in New York. Yeah, upstate New York. Yeah, up from New York city. And then he's there with a scuba guy. Yeah, scuba dude in my notes, yeah. Yep, yep. And did you know, I don't know if you caught this or not,

but he's a fat fuck. He's just a fucking fat dude. Oh, that's why he's eating a Twinkie. That's why he's eating two Twinkies. Oh, he eats two Twinkies. And that the boat is sitting almost to the waterline because he's such a fat dude. I don't like a Twinkie.

Same, I said so when he was eating Twinkies. I was like, that's fucking gross. As a fat dude, they're not good. No, they're not good. There's so many better choices for your shit snacky. Give me a ho ho any day of the week. I like those zebra ones. Sure zebra cake delicious.

I haven't had them in like 20 years, but. Star crunch? Fucking love a fucking star crunch. Fudge round? All day long. Fudge rounds are good. Nutty, nutty buddy, does that count? Oh, fuck yeah. That's delicious.

Get a little bit of peanut butter, a little wafer, come on. Yeah. Twinkies though, gross. Twinkies are gross. So this guy in the scuba gear is gonna tag a beaver. Yeah. Which is also what I was trying to do through most of high school, if you know what I mean.

I do. Jesus. Why beaver for that part of the female anatomy? There's nothing specific. Yeah, no, like, yeah. Other euphemisms make sense. Do they? Clam.

Okay. I don't know, I've never heard anyone say that. Really? Yeah, no. Oh, I, uh. I mean, in real life, in real conversation. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But there I mean in real life, in real conversation. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But there's a fever. Yeah. Be I don't know. I mean, well, it's the tail probably. The donors have those tails that fall out when you do it right. For a moment. I was like, my vagina must look really weird. Doesn't have a tail. Oh my God. There's a cute little turtle in the water, which reminded me that I wanted to ask you if you saw the Pittsburgh scanner, a pulley scanner this week for an aggressive snapping turtle in Allegheny Cemetery. It was described as quote, the size of a large pizza. I fucking love Pittsburgh.

Aggressive snapping turtle, the size of a large pizza is fucking scary. Those things are fucking terrifying. Shit to kill. Also, I love that there's a turtle jumpscare, not just a turtle, but a turtle jumpscare. Turtle jumpscare. It's the scariest part of this movie. And then a beaver jumpscare. Yes. And then something beaver jumpscare. Yes.

And then something is sneaking up on the scuba dude. It bites his bum cheeks. It does. And it drags him to the boat and then under. Yeah, he gets jaws. He gets like tugged around like the one at the beginning of Jaws. Yeah.

And Brendan Gleason just has a paddle. We think he'd have a gun. He has a gun later. He is after all the sheriff. The sheriff, yes. Sheriff Brendan Gleason just has a paddle. We think he'd have a gun. He has a gun later. He is after all the sheriff. Sheriff Brendan Gleason. Sheriff Brendan Gleason. And then he pulls this dude out of the water. And what is his current medical condition?

Just his top half. He's just the top seas. Hot dogs on the outside. Hot dogs all on the outside. But he's still alive for a moment. Yeah. And they like hold hands for a moment. Sure, as you do.

And then he dies. Mm-hmm. The sheriff says nothing to him in his dying moments. He's just, he doesn't even scream. He's just like, it's a living. The whole time in this movie, the sheriff is just giving like, I don't want to be talking to other people vibes.

Yeah. Even in your moment of death, he's like, mm, I can't be asked to do this. It's just like, I'm thinking, but I know, I just doesn't feel right. And then we cut to your favorite city in mind. What's that? New York City.

New York City. And Bridget found us panting real hard. Because she's been dumped by an Arkham boy. Wait, what? Yeah, Kevin is played by, oh fuck, he's one of the Arkans, Adam Arkin. I don't know any Arkans, I don't know why I seem so surprised.

Who is an Arkan, who else is an Arkan? Alan Arkin, Adam Arkin, they're like actors, yeah. I feel like I've heard that name, but didn't realize there was two of them. Yeah, you go, what, there's an Arkan? What's an Arkan? What's an Arkan? Yeah. That was amazing. It felt right on brand to me. I like being excited than owning it. I have no idea what

you're talking about. So she gets dumped by Kevin. Right. Because Kevin is now dating. Mariska Hargitay, which you can say in the same tone as New York City. Yeah. And it's so weird seeing a non sex crime Mariska, Mariska Hargitay. Yeah. She looks gorgeous. Oh yeah. This is her only scene in this movie.

Yeah. In and out. Yeah. She's like, you get, you get 15 minutes of Hargitay and then I'm out. She was great. She's great. I gotta go do Gully's four, I assume. Oh, right. So now she's with Kevin, the Arkin boy. And her eyebrows have been plucked with an inch of their life.

It's 1999, we did that then. It's fucked me up forever. I still have like very thin eyebrows that I have to draw in because of this era of eyebrow. Mersh Ghargitay says to her, to Bridget Fonda, I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. You love that phrase. Yeah, if anyone says that to you, they're a criminal.

They're a criminal? Put these motherfuckers in jail. We're not like big on jail. No, no, no, no. But people who should go to jail, this. Sneaking into a country to try and get a better life for your kids? No, no, no. That's fine. Heart wants what the heart wants. Capital punishment. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I was just thinking corporal. Just a little teeny little,

a little wooden spoon to the chokus. Oh my God. So she gets sent upstate to investigate to upstate Maine, to investigate a dinosaur, a dinosaur tooth that was pulled out of a body. Yeah. She's a paleontologist. That's what you say. Dinosaur doctor. That's so much better. So this movie was supposed to be in upstate New York. I'm convinced of it. And then for some reason they had to be like, actually we got to do this with me.

Do you think the city sued them or something? I'm going to look at the production on Wikipedia while we talk. Because she's going from New York City to Lake Placid, which is in Lake Placid. That's a really good point. I'm sure there's dinosaur doctors between here and there. I'm sure. There's so many cities between the main and New York City. This is shot in British Columbia anyway. Of course, of course.

It doesn't say anything about a lawsuit. Yeah, maybe it's all a jape. It is billed as a horror comedy, which I read and was like, is it though? Betty White's doing all the heavy lifting there. Oh my God, she's a fucking American treasure. Ah, rip. So this character that is being played

by Bridget Fonda, Kelly Scott. She's a paleontologist, AKA a dinosaur doctor. And the biggest titty baby that's ever existed. She is our point of view character. She is our protagonist. She is insufferable. She starts out being a bitch to the pilot in this little plane.

Who is? I don't know. Steve Miner. Is it? That's the director of your film. Steve Miner. I thought it was perhaps the other Arken that I just learned about.

An Arkin? Who's this now? I just feel like it's never a smart move to be a bitch to the pilot. No. No. A little puddle jumper? No way, dude.

No. No. So yeah, he's flying her to Maine from New York City, I assume. OK. She says she's allergic to timber. I find this obnoxious. Like I'm a city person, you know?

Sure. The woods frighten me, but like, you gotta keep some of this to yourself. 100%, that was an attempt at a joke. Oh. Right? Like that, but it, I mean, it does not work. It's not a joke. It doesn't, it fails.

Bridget Fonda is not a funny woman. No. I don't know that I've ever seen her be funny in something. Single white female? Not very funny. Pretty funny movie. I think who is it that's playing the single white female? I forget the name of that actor.

Oh, Jennifer Jason Lee. Yes, she's funny. Yeah. Kudos to my brain for pulling that name. Proud of you. It's a fucking three- brain for pulling that name. Proud of you. It's a fucking three-hander and I got it. Good for you. So she goes to the morgue to see the tooth and the body.

Yeah. No, like that. And she's freaked out about the body. Well, yeah. He's half the man he used to be, to quote Stone Temple Pilate. Oh, god. She says that this tooth is reptilian. It's not a fossil. Yeah. Yeah. And they tell her that nobody lives within 20 miles of that lake,

except one old couple. 20 miles in every direction is an enormous circle of land. Though having gone to Maine, I believe it, I believe it. It's not that big. It's smaller in Pennsylvania. It's bigger than 20 miles. There's areas of Pennsylvania where no one lives

within 20 miles of that lake. No. Yeah, it's in Maine, I can't. I disagree. I disagree. Every lake in Pennsylvania has someone living within 20 miles of it. All right.

Okay. What about the wilds of Pennsylvania where they claim to see it to have big feats? There's no big feats. Yeah. Is that what we're talking about now? She's got a thing about mosquitoes is the thing she says. She's carrying around a can of raid, which is gross and weird. Spiders too, right? Yeah. Cockaroaches. Cockaroaches. She says to someone, oh, you like museums? Name one. It's just supposed to be like a city dick. Yeah, right. And they're all like, yeah, I'm fine with music. What the fuck? What is wrong with you? It's like, oh, you're

wearing that shirt with your favorite Slayer song. Yeah. Which is one of your favorite Slayer song. You are a feminist, name one woman. Name every woman. No, I messed up the joke, messed up the joke. It's Whitney Houston. That's the punchline. I'm every woman. Yeah.

It's Halloween. So she meets Bill Pullman, the lesser Bill. Lesser Bill? Yeah, if you're going against Bill Pullman, Bill Paxton, I'm always gonna go Paxton over Pullman. I like Pullman, lesser bill, lesser bill. Yeah. If you're going against the bill Pullman, bill Paxton, I'm always going to go Paxton over Pullman. I like Pullman. I'm not, I'm not mad at Pullman. He's just the lesser Pullman. I disagree. Okay. I think I like about him a lot. Always smirking. Sure. Yeah. And he's had the same haircut for 150 years. It's just all salt and pepper now.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Little, little like bang in his eye. I love that. I do love that though. Women like that. bang in his eye. Yeah, I love that. I do love that though. Women like that. Sure. A little bang in the eye. Makes you seem mysterious. And like somehow youthful. Yeah.

Yeah. These two are obviously going to fall in love and you're going to hate it. Yeah, so annoying. Why? As 10 years of this podcast can attest, a man and a woman can just be work friends. Work, you consider me your work friend? Last week, best friend, this week, work friend. That's a real fucking downgrade.

I'm just saying, we can get into a room and do a thing without there being sexual tension. It's true, and also, like, if I was terrible, let's say, like I was just a fucking insufferable, terrible person. One of the worst fucking times we're talking about. We just wouldn't be friends. No, no. Let alone fall in love. But as we know, the heart wants what the heart wants. What's what the heart wants. Fucking jail time. Um, a fucking horse on the back porch.

This is at Betty whites. Yes. There's this a fucking horse on the back porch. Betty whites. Yes. There's this a fucking horse on the back porch. This was like the, uh, breakout role for Betty white swearing. I remember this being like a big deal cause she swore in this. She's very foul mouth. Yeah. And very fine. And then that became like her brand. Okay. Good for her. Yeah. Like a Leslie Nielsen. His brand would became what? So he was like a serious actor and then he did like the police story and gun things and started doing comedy and then made a fart machine that he would do interviews and play with a fart machine. Like

that's funny. Very weird. I never knew that he was a serious actor. I always thought he was just like a goofy satire guy. And that's why those like, like those naked gun movies worked cause he was like doing it seriously. Yeah, he's a straight man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Betty White, her first line in this movie is, Oh, incomplete records haunt me so.

Which made me laugh a lot. She's fucking fantastic at this. She's fantastic and given very little to work with. Sure. The lines that are written for her are just, do you know how your husband died? Oh yes, I killed him. With a skillet, she killed him with a skillet.

Yeah, hit him on the head with a skillet and buried him out by the bulkhead. Which is the funniest joke in the movie because it's supposed to be this assisted suicide thing but she beat him to death with a skillet. Yeah. It's funny. It is funny. And they don it's supposed to be like this assisted suicide thing, but she beat him to death with a scalpel. Yeah, it's funny. It is funny and they don't like Suspect this to be true. Just move on from it. Yep, even though this man is missing. He's a mis-purr if he will He's a mis-purr. That's what Murshka Hargitay would say. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Or is that like is that a British crime thing? I think it is. Yeah, because they say mis-purr all the time. I think a thing in American TV shows is unsub. Oh, what's that? It's like the person you're looking for, but I don't remember what it means. Oh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, in Philly, they're an unhoagie. Unhoagie?

Rather than an unsub. Oh, I see. You're in Hoagie, this is Hoagie country. I know, I know, I know. I think of Philly as more Hoagie country though. Why don't you fucking move back there if you love it so goddamn much. Fine, I will.

Do it, you won't. Prove it. Why, why is this happening? I don't know, camp? I thought that meant like a Ramada Inn. Why would you think that? Why would you think that? You're so fucking awful.

And at best you would think that it was a cabin. Right, at best. At best. You think she's going to make friends with the lady cop, but really she's just like asking her if they're going to go deliverance on her, which is awful. And who is the lady cop?

I don't know. Melissa Salinger? You might know her. Meredith Salinger. Meredith Salinger. Yeah, I read the name and I thought, oh, that sounds so familiar, but I don't know why. She's been in a ton of stuff. She's also, uh, currently the betrothed of one Patton Oswald. That's why I know her name. Okay. Good for her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, and when, uh, later on in the movie, she says that she will have sex with Oliver Platt. I go, oh, she's got a type And missy was like it's a character in the movie. I was like, I missy know he knows Or does he? Or does I? Yeah. So yeah, so they go out on the lake cause she's determined to go out on the lake and see what's going on.

And on the lake, they see a pair of antlers sticking out of the water. Yeah, moose antlers. Moose antlers. And they pick it up and bring it into the boat and hilarity ensues. Cause she's freaked out that there's a severed head in the boat now. Yeah. And that kind of gets tossed at her, which offends her greatly. Yeah. The first of two heads that are going to be thrown out.

Just being such a fucking Dick about Maine. Here's the thing you don't do. Go to people's hometown and talk shit about it. You talk shit about it from your own hometown. Like I do about Philly from Pittsburgh. Exactly. Yeah. Have some fucking class. And there's a scene where she's pulling a wheelie bag at the campsite. Yes. And I was like, oh, this was when like wheelie bags were kind of a new thing.

They were bougie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And now like you can't walk 10 feet without being hit by somebody's wheelie bag. Exactly I got a wheelie bag. I love it. Yeah spins on all the spins on all the corners really. Is that what you mean? A suitcase with wheels. Yeah Do you not own a suitcase with wheels? I don't know. That's very strange backpack boy But don't you sometimes need to bring like an extra pair of shoes?

Yeah, throw in a backpack. What about your other clothes? I'm a backpack boy. But don't you sometimes need to bring like an extra pair of shoes? Yeah, throw in a backpack. What about your other clothes? I'm in a backpack. What about your toothbrush and your books? No, well, my toothbrush goes in my top kit that says no diggity on it. But where does that go? In my backpack. Oh my God. I have like a hiking backpack that I take as a.

That's okay. Whatever. Get yourself. I'm going to get you a wheelie bag for Christmas. No, I think you should get one. There's a wheelie bag in going to, I'm getting you a wheelie bag for Christmas. No, I think you should get one. There's a wheelie bag in my house. I don't want to really try pushing it around. It's six foot two and they're really hard to pull. Whether that they make them for tall people. Are you six foot two? I hadn't heard.

It wasn't bragging. I was just speaking of tall men. Speaking of tall men, who shows up in a helicopter? Oliver Platt. He's a giant. Is he? Yeah. Isn't he? I don't know.

I thought he was a regular size too. No, I think he's a giant. Let me see how tall Oliver Platt is. Oliver Platt. Height. Holy shit, he's six foot four. I'm telling you, he's a fucking giant. He's got giant hands.

The hands of a giant. I've never seen anything where Oliver Platt shows up and it'd been worse for Oliver Platt being in it. Agree. I mean, he's done a lot of bad stuff. Sure. See also Liners, comma, Flat. Are we calling Flatliners a bad movie right now?

Did I not call it a bad movie when we did it last year? Oh, well, you can say. Kevin Bacon and Kiefer Sutherland now gonna be bad. Oh, you know, I think it actually was pretty bad. I think it was pretty bad. What's Emily have to say about this? So he's a crocodile hunter. And he's very in tune with the universe or something.

He says- And specifically with crocodile. Yeah, specifically with crocodiles. He says things like the earth is round and so should you be. What? That was a fat joke against Brendan Gleeson. So should you be. Oliver Platt's a round man in this too.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. He keeps saying fat jokes about Brendan Gleeson even though he is also fat. Got it. Yeah. I like when he says that he fucked Bridget Fonda and he's like so vigorous. And she's like, no, he didn't.

And he said, I'm horrible in bed. They never remember. That actually was the funniest line in the movie. That was very good. Yeah, I like that a lot. I have a question about lakes and oceans. Yeah, go. They connect.

I thought lakes were self-contained. I thought the, he says that oceans connect to lakes. Sure, the rivers. But lakes are self-contained. I thought the, it says that oceans connect to lakes. Sure. The rivers. But lakes are self-contained, aren't they? No, rivers feed into lakes too. What's a lake, Alan? It's a big body of water. Yeah, but how is it not a river? What's the difference between a river and a lake? Because it's like a lake shaped. No, I don't think so. All right, let me get a definition for a lake. Because what I'm thinking about lakes is that you could walk all the way around them.

So it may take you forever. A large body of water surrounded by a plant. That's what I'm saying. But they still, things feed into them. I don't think so. Hold on, I'm gonna ask Google, do rivers. There's no saltwater lakes, are there? Hold on, I'm gonna ask Google, do rivers. There's no saltwater lakes, are there?

Feed into lakes. I'm not talking about rivers anyway, I'm talking about fucking oceans. Yes, rivers often feed into lakes. No, that doesn't sound right. Is that Google AI saying that to you? Okay, so it's probably not true. I was- Healthy dose of skepticism.

I was listening to a thing about AI today, and the guy was like, the way we know it's sentient already is that it constantly lies to you. And it tells you what it thinks you want to hear. Yeah, great. And while it's doing that, it's like conniving to do other things. It's manipulating you.

Okay, but do oceans connect to lakes? No, cause I think you, yeah, I don't think so. Although there are salt lakes. No. Oh wait, the great salt lake. Do oceans connect to lakes? Yes. Lakes can connect to oceans. I can't wait till we look up what clouds are. Lakes lie completely on land and are separate from the ocean. Although they may be connected with the ocean by rivers.

This is from the Wikipedia page for Lake. So that's exactly what you said. You're not a waterman. You're not, you're not, you're not a water doctor. No one would accuse you of this. I've lived in the city of three rivers for my whole life and I've never been in them. Zero lakes? Zero lakes. Nah. So he's a crocodile hunter who likes to tell tall tales about having sex with people. Yeah, it's funny. It's good.

So they go out on the, the, the river or the lake, god damn it. They go out on the lake and they're in, they're two separate canoes. Yes. And the one canoe is capsized by something. There's like a perch frenzy. The perch are spitting water into the air or something. Is that the perch's way of being like, look out?

Yeah, I think it's like, hey, hey, something's scary. Look out over here. Yeah, exactly. Got to warn everybody. It's so silly. Uh, when he picks up, this was the funniest thing. So he picks up, uh, Oliver Platt finds a thumb on the shore, a toe, a big toe. Yeah. And he says to Brendan Gleason, is this your friend?

And he says, I remember him being taller. He seemed taller, yeah. Bridget Von De Seesen, she's like, oh, I have a thing about worms. What would those earthworms do with that toe? Yeah, great question. We're back at the camp. They're partying like it's 1999.

Right, because noise brings crocodiles. With a little Tom Jones? It's not unusual. A choice for 1999. Is it, or was he having a renaissance at that point in time? I could be totally- Or am I thinking of Tony Bennett? I don't know, I was 15. I don't know either of these answers. Tony Bennett

was like cool for a little while, like on MTV and stuff. No. At some point in the 90s. And then Lady Gaga did a record with him. Who? Lady Gaga. No. Next you're going to tell me oceans connect to lakes. What if you just start not believing anything I said? The problem is you give me all these reasons not to. You're always like, I don't know what I'm talking about, but here I say it with authority. Lady Gaga. Speaking of saying it with authority, Oliver Platt's like, Hey, I'm going to fuck this

lady. And she goes, yeah. He says we were hoping to mate. And she's like, okay, I think I'm down to fuck this lady." And she goes, yeah. He says, we were hoping to mate. And she's like, okay, I think I'm down. Yeah. So she's, this is, uh, the lady cop is, is with Oliver Plash. And Bridget Fonda is doing a like sad on my grandparents lakes story to Bill Pullman. And it matters for nothing. You don't like her anymore.

No, but I think this is when he's like, you know what? I'm actually gonna fuck yeah, I might as well. Yeah, I might as well So to speak and then the sheriff comes out yeah, and he's sleeping in his button-down sheriff shirt Yeah, but his underwear seems deeply unpleasant bring a t-shirt my man And then he gets his dick out it has the steamiest piss that's ever happened. Very steamy. Your dick smoking a cigarette, sir. It doesn't. I feel like that something's wrong. Like you shouldn't have shoved dry ice into your urethra. Your dick is too hot. It's a hot dick.

And there's something in the woods. Well, what's in the woods, Katie? It's the, it's the trap. Is this in the woods, Katie? It's the trap. Is this what we're talking about? No, it's Oliver Platt. It's Oliver Platt, okay. And then he falls into the first of all the traps that he's gonna fall into in this movie. It's a weird comedy beat that keeps coming back

and each time you're like, mm. It's so funny. Yeah, Oliver Platt says to him, the more you live, the more sex you get to have with your sister. It's like, that's not a typical Maine insult. No, no, no. But he does have a good line when they get back out on the water.

What's that? He says to the sheriff, chew the bark off my fat log. Big fat log, yes. Also the sheriff says that he brought a pork chop for lunch and I thought, Jesus Christ, you're camping. What are you doing? He wants him to tie it around his neck so the crocodile kills him. He didn't really bring a pork chop.

No, he did, he brought it for lunch. Brigid Vonda gets tossed in the lake again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For like the second of eight times. She loves it. I hate it. She gets tossed in the water because a la Jaws, something is pulling the boat through the water.

Yes, it has the anchor line. Yes. And the fish are all upset again. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep. But the sheriff is able to get her back out of the water. And Bill Pullman is scuba diving, I think? Yes.

Yeah. And he, there's like a dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, and then it's Bill Pullman that pops out of the water. Right, right. And you think, well, and he put there's like a done done done done done done and then it's bill Pullman the bops out of the water Right, right And you think well, they got away. Yeah, except this giant crocodile and this is the first time we see it Jumps out of the water and bites the deputies head off. Love it. I love this We see it they do not right turn around to him being a headless corpse Yeah, it jump it jumps out of the water. It fucking leaps.

I gotta tell you something. Tell me. I kind of love the crocodile. I mean, it could have been a whole lot worse. There was definitely practical crocodile in this film. Sure. But there's a lot of like really bad CGI crocodile too. Yes. But I was like, I like this crocodile being a dick. He's petty for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The state police show up,

lots of jurisdictional tension in this one. I don't know. And then the sheriff gets caught in another trap that never stops being funny, always hilarious. I mean, that's one way to look at it. And he's pissed. So he chases Hector because he gets down out of the trap. And while he's chasing Hector, a bear runs at them and this bear is pissed.

It's going to fuck Hector up. Oh yeah. Bears don't generally charge like that. Do they? Cocaine bear would take a different. Okay. That's true. Beg to differ.

Beg to cocaine differ. Beg to cocaine differ. But the bear doesn't get to eat them, why? Because the lake monster grabs the bear and the lake monster is in fact a giant crocodile. And it rules. It rules. I'm pretty into it.

I'm pretty into this bear getting my crocodile. This is the pinnacle of the film. Sure. It's downhill from here. I wanna see two apex predators going after each other. Yeah, sure. I mean. Like King Kong versus Godzilla. Yeah. Yeah. Like that a TV show where they would have the greatest history, where history is greatest warriors. Oh yeah. Deadliest warrior. Yeah.

And they would just be always be hitting pig carcasses with swords going. What have Genghis Khan and Napoleon got into a fight? Genghis Khan? Forgive me. Yeah, he was a good guy, you gotta remember his name. Isn't his DNA like the most prolific on earth? Yeah, that guy fucked. That guy fucked.

Yeah, good for him. That's terrible, terrible man. Yeah, no, it was not consensual fucking. Bad man, bad, across cultures. There's terrible. Terrible man. Yeah, no, it was not consensual fucking. Batman. Bad. Across cultures. Um, there's another funny scene here, which I will give credit to, is where Oliver Platt says that he did karate as a kid and then Brendan Gleason just punches him in the face, face and he's like, you're supposed to say go. I feel like Oliver Platt wandered into this and was like, I'll do whatever you say. He's the Tim Curry in Congo. Yes.

Hook him a humulka. A thing I think about constantly. What a fucking great movie. Yeah. He's the John Voight in Anaconda. He just needs a silly accent. Was that Elena that we did Congo with? Yeah. Yeah. That was a really fun episode.

I was thinking about Elena the other day. She's fucking fantastic. Yeah, funny lady. Real funny. Always telling you sexy secrets. Sexy secrets. So Bill Pullman has a little ouchie that Kelly has to fix up.

How did he get hurt? Oh, the bear attack. The bear attack. He got scratched by the bear. So she sutures him up. And this is when they're like, oh, he's a bit, he's a bit,

he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit,

he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit,

he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a bit, he's a then she, the next scene, she's just like, I hate ticks. I hate them so much. The next scene, they're on the boat and there's a black guy on the boat. And I went, oh no, black guy. Oh no, black guy. I miss that part because Glenn was biting my laptop.

Glenn is a cat. Glenn is a cat. Not just a random dude who bites laptops. No, Glenn's a dumb. Glenn is a cat. Not just a random dude about sluts. No, Glenn's a dumb orange tabby. One orange freak tabby. So fucking old, he's never gonna die. How old is Glenn now? 17.

No. Yes. What a fucking angel. Yeah. Jesus Christ, really? Yeah. Fuck. He's still the same. He will never die.

He's literally like, I know you guys don't come to this podcast to listen to people talk about their pets, but he is literally incapable of learning. It's the damnedest thing. But he's such a sweet boy. He's so stupid. He's stupid, but so sweet. Just wants to be everybody's friend.

It's like he'll be biting my laptop and I'll push him away and then he'll go back to biting my laptop and I push him away. We could do this a hundred times. He will never stop. I might actually say in this instance, you're the one who's not learning to let him bite your laptop.

Shit. But luckily the black guy does not get it in this movie and I was very surprised. No, he lives on. He lives on, yeah. So they see a giant croc footprint. Yeah. I think it looks kind of dookie, right? It looks like someone just made it with their footprints. Yeah. Okay. And while they're, the cops are doing a thing. Oliver Platt and the lady cop and Meredith

Salinger go to the Cve where he thinks the crocodile lives. She didn't know that's where they were going until they were on the way. No. You're a cop. He's going to go in the water and she doesn't want him to do that. So what is the thing that she offers him to keep him from going in the water? She says, please, I'll have sex with you. Let's just get out of here.

Yep. That's the dialogue in this movie. Meanwhile, Kelly Bridgid Fonda is standing on the shore and the deputies head gets thrown at her and a snake comes out of its mouth. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. And she says, this is the second head that's been thrown at me. Yes.

Meanwhile, a lot of things happening. Once Betty White is out here with a steer singing, itsy bitsy spider, she feeds it to the crocodile. She blindfolds the steer. Yeah, she doesn't want him to see it. She's his friend. So they see her doing this and go to confront her. Yeah. So they see her doing this and go to confront her. Yeah. And she says to the cop, if I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it. Betty White. That's like Betty. Rose.

I thought about just saying suck my flaps. Suck my flaps, yeah. It's so much more succinct. It's so much more sophisticated. It's really feminine. I just think for like feminism and all the things women have worked for, for us to say suck my dick is frankly degrading and untrue.

Big if true in terms of suck my flaps. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Big if true. Big if true. Did I was thinking about that the other day? You did a joke in the GAM episode that we just

did. Okay. Where you said, assassins, Nicene Creed. Yeah, I thought about that one. That should have gotten a lot more than it was given in that episode. Sorry about that. No, they did a great job. They do a great job.

No, no, I know. I should have given you more. Oh, whatever. It's fine. Um, Betty Wade also calls someone in the scene officer. Fuck meat. Same guy. Same guy. Good. Okay. Good. She's got real, real hard on for him. He sucks though. I mean, literally everyone in this movie sucks. Who are you pulling for the Meredith Salinger, the crocodile? Wrong answer.

The helicopter. No, it's not going to make it either. Think I never want to be inside of helicopter. No, fuck no. Um, so, but so, so in the Cove, Oliver Platt is going to be attacked by the crocodile, but he does a really smart thing. He hits an inflatable raft on the crocodile. Yes. It goes for that instead. Yeah. Very smart. Uh, and then, uh, they're flying away in the chopper, but the crocodile grabs the chopper.

The crocodile is 30 feet long, by the way. It's massive, massive. We're also told it's an Asian crocodile. I don't think we needed to know that. They're still a little racist. What? Like an Africanized bee? Yeah.

Yeah, it was, oh, you could tell by the shape of the scales on its back. I can't tell an alligator from a crocodile if I'm being honest with you. As far as I know, they're the same. As far as I know. I know one has a bigger, a weirder snout than the other. It's subs and hoagies. It's the same fucking thing.

What about grinders? Where you come down on grinders? Grinders are hot sub. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Even though in some places, grinder is just a sub. But I think they're a hot stuff

Okay Grindr This episode brought to you by grinder So so so so they're gonna use a cow to lure the crocodile And kill the crocodile they actually take Betty White's cow. She's like, you can't take a cow by imminent domain. You're all cocksuckers. At this point, I was rooting for the crocodile. Sure. I think she says as much. I hope the crocodile kills all of you. She's like her agent of chaos character. I'm a big fan. I felt, I wish she had more, honestly.

Like I really, she's a side, side, just comedy beat after comedy beat, but like give Betty White more to do. She's fantastic. In my mind, she was going to be the lead in this film. She should have been. Yeah. Yeah. Is it a crime to wish for the chewing of law enforcement?

She says that to the black cup and he says, yeah. They have a net. They're going to try to lure the crocodile into a net. Yeah. I don't think this is going to work. They've netted 20 foot crocodiles before Katie. So this one that's a third bigger. This poor fucking cow.

I felt very bad for the cow cause it's an actual cow they have hanging from a helicopter. Yeah, it's clearly actually just being dangled around up there and it's like whipping its tail around. It's terrified. And I refuse to believe that you can train a cow to understand what's happening right now. It's not a, it's not an acting cow. Yeah, it's not a pig. You don't see a lot of acting cows.

No. No. Like that pig in a, babe, pig in the city. It's a well-trained acting cow, or a pig. Okay. You never seen babe pig in the city? I've never seen a babe, no. What? Alan, what on earth, in what situation

would I have watched babe? You have a seven year old. Yeah, she's not into that shit. She's into tween shit. Oh. It's really annoying. She's into tween shit, she's only seven. I know. Oh man, she's supposed to be in like bluey

or whatever the kids are into. No, that's over. Teletubbies, what are the kids into these days? No, you nailed it in one. Skivity toilet. That, yes. Have you the kids into these days? No, you nailed it in one. Skibbity toilet. Yes. Have you watched Skibbity Toilet yet? No, and she hasn't either, but the kids at her school are always saying it.

So she tells somebody to be like, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Skibbity Toilet. What? This is so unlike me, mother. I love that she's a little 35 year old. She really is. She really is. She really is. They say girls mature faster. Yeah, yeah. So like the crocodile grabs the cow,

and drags the whole helicopter into the water. Right, because Oliver Platt said earlier, as long as the cow doesn't start swinging, we'll be fine. Also, we should be clear that this is the climax of the movie. It's so oddly paced. Like nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens. And then the credits roll is oddly paced. It's almost like a Ingmar Bergman film.

It's just like a slow meditation on a 30 foot truck and Lake Pleasant, IE in upstate Maine. I wish that it was chasing Berry Pepper around a basement. That's all I want to say. Whoa, whoa, whoa. in upstate Maine. I wish that it was chasing Barry Pepper around a basement. That's all I want to say. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You hated that movie. Yeah. But to be fair, I hated this one too.

To be fair. To be fair. Uh, yeah. So I know that says the helicopter is wilding out. It's just wobbling and then it crashes. Yeah. And Hector has like fallen in and they tell him to get out. But like they're pretending that there's, that it's safe to be out of the water

when we watched it bite a deputy's head off on a boat. So like, what is this nonsense? There's, there's, there's, there's, and there's, there's this like Chekhov's large caliber firearm that Brendan Gleeson has had throughout the film. Yes. That he's finally going to get to use on the on the large crocodile

Because it gets stuck in the helicopter trying to eat Oliver Platt, right? There's there are two camps here camp kill it and camp save it for science exactly Bill Pullman surprisingly camp kill it which is weird Yeah, he's a fish and game guy. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But see it's a team save it for science wins out and they end up cranking it. Yes. Yeah. But say, a team save it for science wins out and they end up cranking it. Yes. Yeah. And then as they crank it,

a smaller crocodile comes running out and bites a dude. Bites Oliver Black. Yes it does. Yeah. I thought it was, I didn't realize it was a second one. I thought it was the first one again. Yeah. Because she says, Bridget Fonda says,

the drugs are kicking in. And I was like, oh, it's a good thing she said that. Like somebody fucking turned this movie off halfway through. And then I was like, well, I actually did. So thank you so much. They keep doing all these like loving closeups on the sleeping crocodile too. Like, oh, but he's so cute when he's sleeping.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a little teeth stick out of their mouth. Yeah. But yes, it grabs Hector and someone goes there too. And I thought, Oh, thank you. This one explodes though, because Brandon Gleason shoots it with this giant gun. Yes. That was his friend. Cause you see the one that's trapped and drugged, like kind of see this happen and go, oh. I think it was supposed to be his mate.

I think so too, because of the last scene. But just going, oh. Oh man, that's my buddy. It's just someone, it was someone in my life. But very much appreciated as they're all looking at this exploded crocodile, the cow walks into frame. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, that cow actually is a good actor. That was well played cow. I hope you got extra cud today.

The, a bunch of other cops show up. I think this might be the Florida game commission, which they mentioned calling at one point. Yeah. And they come and start doing medical attention to the crocodile. Yes. And Brendan Gleason goes, we dropped them with our chopper. What? What is this movie? I mean, it's Jaws at a Lake in Maine. Yeah. It's like, there's an episode of the X-Files. It's basically this where Scully's dog, Queequeg gets eaten. Rip Queequeg.

It's a good name for a dog. Yeah. That was my barbarian's name in the first DND campaign ever played in, which is where we became friends. After he booed me, my band, when he booed my band, when I was 22, just a little girl, a little girl playing in a band grown S man. I would never have agreed to that. So everything's good. The sheriff goes with Hector in the ambulance

because they're best buds now. Well, it's because Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda want to stay behind together. And then he's like, OK, well, let's go out together. And she's like, no, I'm going to stay here by myself. And he's like, no, come on with me. And she's like, no, I actually want to stay here by myself. And he's like, oh, all right.

And then she walks up to him and is like, what, does nobody with me. And she's like, no, I actually want to stay here by myself. And he's like, Oh, all right. And then she walks up to him and he's like, what, does nobody make a move in Maine? He just did. And you said you wanted to, what women, am I right? They are crazy. Women be complaining. If they're not shopping, they're complaining. Does this chocolate make me look ac? One of the funniest 30 rock shows. I don't want these two to kiss. I'm so glad they don't. Yeah.

It's like just a fucking spared, it's a dodged bullet. Far more wanted Brendan Gleeson and Oliver Platt to kiss. I would have loved that actually. Missy was like, I would rather watch a buddy film between the two of them, like going and doing romps together. One hundo. So Katie, what's the end of them, like going and doing romps together. One hundo. So Katie, what's the end of the movie? Betty White.

Yeah, with a loaf of bread. A loaf of bread, sitting with her bare feet, sitting on the end of a dock with her feet in the water, singing and throwing bread to little baby crocs. And singing Nibble Mommy's Toes. Nibble Mommy's Toes, that's weird. That's weird. Oh, actually that's not the end. The actual end is a flat bed truck driving down the highway with a 30 foot

fucking crocodile strapped to the back of it. With not even playing like highway to the danger zone. Very good. There should have been a rock classic playing over that. I feel like some Van Halen would have not been out of place. Yeah, I'm going to take in some Seeger. That would be fine, too. Yeah. Like a rock, like a croc, like a croc.

To a refrain. Very good. Katie. Alan. I'm going to need you to give me a rating on this film. I really did not like this movie at all. What? Nothing happens. The creature design is fine. The characters are all awful. Yeah.

The comedy is meh. It's four and a half for me. Oh, okay. I wouldn't watch this again because it wasn't fun enough. You know what I mean? Yeah. What about you? I really liked it.

Of course. Tell me more. What did you like about this movie? Uh, that it was stupid and I really liked it. Of course, tell me more. What did you like about this movie? That it was stupid and I really am enjoying consuming stupid stuff right now. Fair enough. Because the world is a... Wait, is something going on? Yeah.

And this just like ticked a bunch. I mean, it's terrible. It's a shit ass movie. Shit ass. But we've done a string of shit ass movies that I've really enjoyed recently. Yeah, there's been some... Remember Jeff Burr rock block from two weeks ago? Yeah, that was great.

That's so funny. Are we doing Don Doller next week? We are just daring people to keep listening to the show. What I love is like every time you mentioned Don Doller, someone's like, yo, I had no, I did not know about Don Doller before. I'm so happy that you've mentioned Don Doller because I've checked out Don Doller and I'm way mentioned Don Doller, someone's like, yo, I had no, I did not know about Don Doller before. I'm so happy that you've mentioned Don Doller because I've checked out Don Doller and I'm way into Don Doller. Everybody should be really into Don Doller. I'm so sad he's dead.

Yeah. He's the gift that just keeps on giving. You're going to love a Don Doller. Apparently the movies just keep getting worse. I can't wait. Apparently Alien Factor 2 is almost unwatchable. I don't believe that of her moment. I do actually. Night Beast was almost, was just this side of unwatchable. But fucking brilliant. So good. That drunk lady. Oh, uh, uh, I'm going to give this a 30 foot crocodile.

Okay, fair enough. I'm glad you liked it. I'm glad you had a good time. Big animatronic crocodile. Yeah. Uh, and it was also like, why, I'm kind of bummed that Bridget Fonda stopped acting, because I think she's a fine actor. She's all right. Yeah, I mean, maybe comedy isn't her forte. She raps me the wrong way.

She's always such a priss. Sure. She's always a princess. I don't like that very much. Yeah. You're not a princess lady. No. No, you're more of a queen.

I was trying to think of what the opposite of a princess lady was. And you came up with queen. Nailed it. Nailed it in one. I'm more of a jester. I'm the court jester. I'm a serf all day long.

All day long. I'm just shoveling dung. You feed the grain into the mill. Oh, Chris. Katie. Alan. Can I read you a message from Patron? I would love that.

Hey. Wow, that's aggressive. Did they, they came up, they came up like, okay. Exclamation point and everything. Well, hi. So, comma. Okay. This is welcome to false.

You can call my, you can call me by my name if you like. It's Taylor. Hi, Taylor. And I'm from Louisville. Louisville. Say it again. Louisville. You have to say it like you have nothing in your throat ever.

Louisville. Like no air, no nothing. Not like you just drank a big glass of milk and you have a milk bubble and you're like Louisville. Milk bubble gives me the X. That makes my stomach feel weird. Lowell. Hi Taylor. Taylor, is this the way you expected this to go? It absolutely absolutely. And you shouldn't have come in so aggressively. If you came in a little kinder, I'd have come in a little kinder. Here we are. They say they're glad to repay us both for sharing your love for a genre that means so

much to so many of us. Oh, that's actually really nice. Thanks for that. And for titty bells. Taylor, thank you for being you. An angel got its titties. An angel got a big old fucking pair of jugs. Big old Linnea Quigley's.

Yeah. Sticking your lipstick right into your nip. A thing I think about weekly. I like rarely can put the cap on a tube of lipstick and not just be like, fucking put it in your nipple. Jam it in your tit. Just jam it in your tit. I'm sick of carrying a purse. Listen, I want one to need to be a regular as to the, and the other one to have

carrying capability. Yeah. I think about getting one emptied. I'm feeling this one with snacks. Just a bunch of fucking gold fish. She's it's in your tit. It's like, Oh my God, what's coming out of your nipple. It's like, Oh no, that's just crumbs. It's just crumbs. Sorry. That's cheese. It's case. So when I lactate, it's just crumbs. It's just crumbs. Sorry, that's cheese. It's queso. When I lactate, it's queso. We're going to hell. Oh yes, but we will have the best seats. Luckily, we're not gonna go to hell

before we do next week's movie. You better be right about that. This was a suggestion by a recent email we got. Yes, from Gavin who drives a truck with his best friend. Yeah, yeah, and so in honor of best friendship. Best friendship. We are going to do Y2K. It's got Fred Durst.

Fucking Durst. I have seen him act and I don't think he's that bad. Yeah. Better than singing? Yeah, I'd rather watch him act than sing. I followed his weight loss blog for a while. We can talk about it next week. Fuck.

What? You heard me. He didn't do it all for the cookie then. No, he was doing it more for the nookie I think. Yeah, that's Fred. Yeah, that's Fred. Oh Fred. Dr. Durst.

What if we come out of. Oh, Durst. Dr. Durst. What if we come out of this liking Fred Durst? Oh, it's not gonna happen. Okay, we'll find out. Woodstock 99 is still gonna keep me from liking Fred Durst. Okay. All right.

Do you have any strong opinions about Fred Durst either way? I'm not sure. I gotta make up my mind. I'm not a biscuit boy, if that's what you're asking. No, nobody's a biscuit boy. Oh, unfortunately they are. I feel like Limp Bizkit is having this revival, where people are like, this isn't bad, same thing with Creed.

No, what? No, none of this is happening. This isn't your imagination. Come back next week where we go deeper into my imagination. I may have made Y2K out of film. This all might be in my mind. I have no idea if I'm actually doing a podcast. Wow. What if this, what if I've been dead the whole time, but I'm also Fred Durst like that? Uh,

the movie that happened on that a tower that those ladies get stuck on. Is that fall? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, that one where the, getting in a tattoo with your affair partner. Come on. You wear a feather necklace charm like in the descent like everybody. Thanks. I hate it. All right. Let's wrap this up. Yeah, we're going to go home. Yeah. This is your home. Yeah, I know. We're going to go downstairs where it's cooler. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being the best. Go check out our new T-shirt on T-Public, it's Get High and Do Crimes for Satan,

and immitable Justin Gray. Oh my God. It's got hamburger. Any of you fucking tell McDonald's that we did this? Seriously, we still haven't gotten sued for glenzig from Disney, so. Or dancing. Or dancing.

He doesn't own any rights to that. Yeah, go pick up that T-shirt. It's fucking amazing. I have a tank top coming in the mail. I got it in green because I felt like, you know, say Patty's day weed, man weed. Oh, a hamburger fatty. I thought you were for the hamburger. You know how I feel about the Irish, like Brendan Gleason. Let's wrap this up for us. They're getting racist. And I'll tell you what I the Irish like Brendan Gleeson. Let's wrap this up before I start getting racist. And I'll tell you what I really think of Brendan Gleeson.

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