Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 526- Field of Screams (2025)

Episode Date: July 7, 2025

Is THIS the scarecrow movie we've been looking for? No, of course it isn't. At least we didn't get our hopes up. Special topics for your consideration include: what were Grandpa and that scarecrow doing??, keeping your tone of voice nice and even no matter what, baffling couplings, baffling choices... baffling everything, really. We've done so many scarecrow films and I really can't say which is worse: this or Episode 237- "Scarecrow" which is a SyFy original, so... yeah. The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes.This month is June Claude Vam Damme and we did Pittsburgh's own "Sudden Death!" leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com   if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow.   Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

Alain? Katie? Oh, Alain? Katie? Yeah. I'm extremely angry with you right now. This is your mad voice. I thought you were being sultry. This is every emotion I'm going to have in the episode is going to be my name's Alan.

I star in this movie. Oh, you're Alan Crowe. Yes, I'm Alan Crowe. You don't have a schnoz big enough. So many good big noses. Go on, I'm so sorry, you're doing a bit. No, it's not a bit. I'm just telling you that all of my emotions are this emotion.

I see. When I'm really mad at my boyfriend, I'd be like, stop being a dickhead. That was more emotion than he expresses. Also, are you angry at me for picking this movie? Because I am. Why would I be? Because it's dumb.

I am. I am. I am. I was blessed when I went to rent this because Missy had a discount that it was like $3 to rent it. Oh my God. You used Missy's discount on this. The downside is that I used Missy's discount and got yelled at for doing that. Yeah, that was hers and you spent it on field of screams. Also, do you like that you get 168 hours to finish this when you rent it on Amazon? They're like, look, you're going to need every last second. Normally when you run a movie, they're like 24 to 48 hours.

I don't know how many weeks that is, but just enjoy yourself. Get it back to us when you can. Actually, if you want to take it and just go, it's fine. Just go. You've purchased it. No, you didn't want it. Oh. My first note is from a review of this movie on Rotten Tomatoes, or it might have been on IMDb, I can't remember which. Okay. I guess anybody can make a movie nowadays.

I don't think that's true. Apparently, if you have $15,000, which is the budget of this film. 15 grand. Yeah. That's pretty, they did a lot really for 15 grand. Every dollar's on the screen. It really is. Yeah.

Yeah. In the cleanest scarecrow costumes you've ever seen. Was dirt too expensive? Is this the scarecrow movie you saw? You ready? Yeah. No. Now where could that silly scarecrow be? What the actual fuck is happening right now? I think we should just get into the whole, the whole plot right now, just to kind of like, you know, we learned this as we go,

like what's actually happening here. Just blow the proverbial plot. Let's do it right now because I don't understand. I think there are some scenes missing. I'm excited to learn what the plot was. Okay, okay. I think the, Alan's father. Yeah, great name. Great name.

Great name. Great hair on that man. Oh my God, beautiful hair. What the fuck, I would kill someone. He looks like Nicole Kidman in Days of Thunder, if you haven't watched this movie, and frankly, don't bother. His dad was the son of the grandfather.

That's, it's a three, it's not the mom, it's the dad. Yeah, it's a weird throw-up. It's, no. It's a generational succession. The dad died, and the grandfather turned him into a scarecrow? 100%. His grandfather was into that old tiny farm magic. I guess.

Yeah, because he had dowsing rods. Okay. Which he explains to the child is to be used to look for water or minerals. Or graves. Or graves. Yeah. Just, Do they?

I have a dumb question. There are no dumb questions, just a dumb movie. Well, this is a dumb question on me. Did dowsing rods actually find water or minerals or are they just made up? It's so much like Bill and I, the science guys quoted as saying in this movie, it's considered pseudoscience. I understand.

But people think they can dowse water. Okay. With dowsing rods. I mean, I would believe that if you told me they could point to minerals, like magnets and shit. How the fuck do they work? Water, how does it work? Where does it come from? Space?

Shaggy Too Dope are never gonna know. Okay. There's two things you and Shaggy Too Dope share in common. What's that? Yes. One, magnets, you do not know. And I'm assuming a lot of weed.

Oh yeah, weed. Weed and magnets. I love one, I don't know the other. And I'm sure you're not mad at Fago. I don't drink soda really. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. No.

Can never be Juggalos. Oh no. No, I'm not a joiner. I do think about getting an ironic Hatchet Man tattoo. Please don't do that. Okay. That's not a thing you wanna be. I don't really think about it.

I ironically got the Led Zeppelin Zozo tattooed on me. Okay, so he brings the dad back to life as a scarecrow. Yeah. But he's like got the brains of a scarecrow? Uh-huh. If he only had a brain, 100%. Everybody's pick and span clean. The cleanest scarecrow you ever done did see.

And he's just been hanging out with him all this time? Yeah. Okay, wait. With a sack over his head that is thin enough that a human being could see through because you could see their head through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And with sewn on button eyes,

like he's frosted through the fucking snowman. I actually liked the sewn on button eyes, but I would have liked them more if they were a little dinged up and not just from the bag you bought them at Joanne Fabrics. And if at some point they ended up where eyes are on a face. At some point. Okay. Okay. So it's his companion who is his son, but is not his son because he's dumb as a bag of dirt. Also, what is dad's name? Dad who has passed away and has been reanimated as a scarecrow, because later we find a note that says Billy and Daddy.

It's a drawing. I thought his name was Billy. But mom's and Alan, I could not pull the name of the character, it is literally my name. It's literally your name. Spelled like my name. And so he's talking to his mom, he's like, yeah, I saw this thing

that says Daddy and Billy, who's Billy? And mom goes, oh, your grandfather called your father Billy. Was his name not William? I don't know. And also why would it be Billy and daddy then? Because then, who? Wait, the scarecrow drew it.

He's Billy. 100%, yes. And daddy is his dad. Because he has the brains. Al's true a 100%. Yes. And daddy is his dad. Because he has the brains. Alan's a real bro. Wait. I'm mad. Because this movie is so smart.

Because it just like nailed what it's set out to do. Did Alan not know his father's name? Alan don't know much. Nailed what it said not to do. Did Alan not know his father's name? Yeah. So. Alan don't know much. Also when dad is out or grandpa's outside looking for, looking for Billy, there's supposed to be crickets outside. They fucking sound like castanets. Crickets never sound like. No.

There's a beautiful woman shaking her hips in a flowing dress right now. That's on your window, sir. So we get a little glimpse of life with grandpa in the scarecrow, like him getting up and going inside and sitting at the table while grandpa eats, you know? And grandpa says things like,

so much corn, I got corn syrup in this soap, or in this soup. Yeah, and it's breathing. It's breathing very heavily. Yeah. I don't know about this. And grandpa drops the line. The Connelly's will never own this land. Right. To Billy, the reanimated scarecrow of his son. Okay. I thought that. Okay. I thought the scarecrow gave him a heart attack on purpose, which is why I didn't really understand what was happening in this movie. No, because it feels like he does.

He's grandpa's doing something with a Tupperware filled with water and then turns around and goes, Oh God, I have to tell Billy something. We don't know what it is he has to tell Billy nor what he was doing with this Tupperware filled with water. What could be so urgent to tell your scarecrow son? And then he runs to tell Billy it has a heart attack. Yeah, he does. I really thought this scarecrow did it to him.

Nope. And then he does the like wrestling hand drop, but he only does it once, not three times. Like you have to do it to give him the chance to do the hot save. Well, he lays his head on his chest. Just make sure the dad's dead. Yeah, cause he killed him.

And then grab some clothes to start reanimating his father because though he's dumb as a fucking scarecrow, he knows the farm magic to bring his father back. Why would his father teach him this? He's a scarecrow. Yes. Okay. He's not gonna use it for good or well.

No, he's not, it's not right. It's not right. And this is where I have the note that says, I like that Amazon offers 168 hours to finish this movie. Bezos knows. Bezos knows. He knows you can't sit through this. It's all that HDH that means you can't sit through it.

Yep. Like a piece of shit. Okay. Uh. So, uh, we, we see, uh, uh, Alan in bed. He gets woken up by a phone call where he just goes, uh-huh. I see. Okay.

I love you, mom. It's very bad. It's very bad. But Alan has beautiful hair. It's very bad. It's very bad. But Alan has beautiful hair. It's also not made clear to us at any point that the father was his dad's and not his mom's. Like, because you only meet his mom, you assume it's her father.

Right. That's dumb. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Also, mom, total bunko Kristen Wiig. Yeah, but she looks crazy, but I don't think she's meant to. She's got crazy crazy, but I don't think she's meant to. She's got crazy vibes, but I don't think she's supposed to.

I looked at her. She's, she is the first build on IMDB. What means she has the most credits. Oh, okay. She played a hostess in Fargo. The television show or the movie? No, the movie. I never saw it. Good for her. Proud of her. They got that lady. They got the hostess from Fargo? Holy shit. Fargo's great if you ever have the inclination to watch it. I'll get there. The TV

show is also very good. I'll get there. All right. All right. So, um, so he's got to go So he's got to go to grandpa's farm with his boyfriend, Justin. Yes. Who's eight feet taller than him. He's eight feet taller. Their relationship is in shambles. Prior to this seemingly. Yeah. Cause Alan hates Justin with a fury of a hundred dead sons. And Justin has no empathy for Alan. No, no. It's, break up.

You don't have to do this. When he gets so mad at him and he turns to him and he goes, you know, my grandfather just died. Yeah. I have a dead grandfather, you know that. I'm so mad at you right now. So mad at you right now. So mad.

I'm so mad at you right now. Why don't you fuck off? Stop being a dick. I've never been able to stay that calm in my entire life. No, I'm not that calm right now. I have written here, Justin is a student actor. And they have no chemistry, the two of them. Zero.

Yeah. Cut to cleaning up after the funeral where Alan for some inexplicable reason, reason was not at the reading of his grandfather's will, though he did inherit the farm. Yeah. She said it was earlier today. Where the fuck was he? Was he sleeping in? I guess he was still in Denver or Boulder or wherever in Colorado. He's supposed to live. I don't know.

But I think, and I'm, let me just preface this. I am basing this entirely on Agatha Christie novels. Sure, a great source. That if you're going to get something in the will, they notify you to be at the reading of the will. I don't think there is a real reading of wills. What?

I've never known anyone to actually attend one. My clients die all the time. They don't, we don't do, no one does will readings as far as I know. You know what this world needs more of? Will readings. Will readings. Dramatic will readings.

Oh, that's why Alan couldn't be there. Yeah. Yeah, no drama for Alan couldn't be there. Yeah. Yeah. No drama for him. I'm so perplexed. He says to his mom, what am I supposed to do with a farm? The movie has been really loud to this point.

Oh my God. It's happened so bad. They forgot to mic the scene of them like walking around and touring the house. There are so many scenes where one person obviously has the lav mic on. Yeah. And the person they're talking to who is walking next to them does not. Yeah. So it's just like, Hey, what's going on? What's going on over there? One mic. Hey, 15 grand doesn't get you more than one lav mic.

Nor the common sense to try to put it somewhere betwixt the two of them. No. Oh my God. So Justin debunks the dousing rods, but he does it in sort of a cute way about Bill Nye. Cause he was just interested. And what's your favorite episode of Bill Nye? The one where he shits all over my dead grandfather. What?

Look, you're an adult. When you're an adult, your grandparents die. Like, I'm sorry he passed, but you don't get to be like, my grandfather is dead. Yeah. Most peoples are at your age. Settle down. Yeah. You had to lose at least one other possibly three in your lifetime. Seriously. And you inherited like apparently a very expensive farm. So valuable. That house looks really nice from the outside.

Well, it doesn't matter because the conleys are going to bulldoze it. Conleys are coming in here to bulldoze it. I love, I love the, uh, uh, fucking what's Bill Clinton's brother's name. Uh, Roger Clinton. Yeah. Uh, the guy for the conleys who shows up has strong Roger Clinton energy. brother's name? Roger Clinton. Yeah, the guy from the gondoliers who shows up has strong Roger Clinton energy. He's got really big hair. Meanwhile, the scarecrow is doing things. He's wearing the same gloves that I have

from Home Depot for gardening. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, because you can get a five pack of them. He, yes, he is, he needs picking- They're clean as a whistle. Clean as a whistle. Picking something invisible up off the table and then like prat falling. Did he fall over? I was like trying to figure out, did he fall over their luggage that they

just kind of left in the middle of the floor? But he does like a ass over tea kettle like prat fall. It's very funny. Well, this is a horror comedy. I don't know if you knew that or not. I didn't. No, it's listed as a horror comedy. I thought it was just unintentionally funny. Yeah.

Apologies. I think not unlike the room, they were like, no, you're right. It is a comedy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I have a note that as Justin is a real eyebrow

actor. Yeah, a lot of up and downs. A lot up and downs. Oh, man, this is this is there's a scene where Billy Yeah, when Billy does the right before he does the pratfall. He's doing a thing where he's rubbing the chair where grandpa formerly sat. Yeah, during soup dinners with corn syrup. And he's rubbing it and it looks like he's going to fuck the chair. It reminded me of the time that I was walking down the street and I found a Polaroid face

down and I lifted it up and it was just a guy sticking his dick through the rungs of a chair. Why did you pick it up Alan? Because it was a Polaroid on the ground. I want to see what it was. Where was this? Just on the street in Newark, Delaware. In Newark, Delaware. Yeah and I carried that Polaroid around with me and I would say to people, if you're walking down the street in Newark, Delaware. In Newark, Delaware.

Yeah, and I carried that Polaroid around with me and I would say to people, if you're walking down the street and you find a Polaroid face down, are you going to pick it up? They're saying, of course I will. And I picked it up and I pull it out of my pocket and go, and this is what you'd find.

That's a pretty good story, actually. Yeah, I got thrown and just stick it in his dick through the rungs of a chair. It wasn't even a great take. Oh, A-D-A-G. Oh man. Yeah, there's like a weird interlude where like the, you see the grandpa dancing and I thought he had been fucking the scarecrow. I'm 100% sure he was. His son though, it's his son.

The part of him that he put in was his son's butthole. That's fucked up, Alan. I hate this. Oh man, they, my dude, Alan, puts on a bluegrass record to dance, slow dancing with his boyfriend. Yes, I guess this is why he had seen the grandfather dancing because they were his records,

but the grandfather's dancing like he's trying to fuck. Yeah, and also who the fuck slow dances to really fast bluegrass? I find that, who slow dances? When people slow dance in movies, I'm always like, ew, ew, ew, ew. Missy and I go out slow dancing all the time. Do you do it in your living room?

Just like, baby, it's so good to live with you. If we're at a diner that has a jukebox, we'll put on our favorite song. Oh, you sway. We'll put on our favorite song. It's Time After Time by Cyndi Lauber. And you sway. There's a joke about becoming a drag queen

named Amber Waves, and I thought that's a pretty good drag name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But while Justin is making that joke, he puts on the grandfather's hat that Alan would like to keep. Because it's a baseball cap, and you can just throw it in the drawer and go, But while Justin is making that joke, he puts on the grandfather's hat that Alan would like to keep because it's a baseball cap and you can just throw it in the drawer and go, that's my fucking grandfather's cap.

Look at that. I have like my grandfather's drafting tools. I have a bunch of black and miles that I took from my grandfather's bathroom. You just keep weird things, right? You put them in a drawer and every once in a while you bump into them and go, oh man. Gaga.

But Justin's like, oh, you're gonna take this fucking hat home. What are you going to be a drag queen? And Amber waves and he puts the hat on. I will do it for Katie. Yeah. Like this. Yeah. Like the, as though the snap, the snap back is pressed against the brim. Yeah.

And then just like rested against his head, like a fucking jackass. Yeah. Roll jack off. And I was like, no wonder Alan's mad at you. Cause he's like, Hey, you saw me making fun of my grandfather. You stupid jerk face. That was my grandfather's and it's very important to me. And now was like, no wonder Alan's mad at you. Cause he's like, hey, you saw me in front of my grandfather, you stupid jerk face. That was my grandfather's and it's very important to me. And now you've sullied his memory.

Also for some reason I'm smiling while I'm saying this to you. I can't tell if he thinks he's like gritting his teeth in a grimace. He's not, he's cheesing. It's a comedy though. It's a horror comedy. I don't know Alan. You can't just wipe everything and call it comedy. Also, this is not a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination.

No, no blood. Oh man, Hot Fuzz is a horror movie. So their hip hip friends show up I guess. Oh God, Stan. Genuinely, what are they there to help with? I don't know, but I like that rave daddy bucket hat that Brit's wearing. I, I was like fuck, I'm a Brit.

You always show up in these crop tops and you're just always wearing rave daddy bucket hats. If I had a bucket hat that said rave daddy, I would be wearing it right this fucking second. Well, once we're done with this, somebody's going online and buying you a hat. They are not. The one guy is a very old man, Shane.

Oh, Shane, not Stan, you're right, Shane, yeah. Why is he friends with them? I don't know. They don't need him to buy booze. No. They can get their own booze. They can get their own booze. And also they seem to have just brought moonshine

and giant mason jars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no moonshine. No, no, no, no. Not for me. That just won't end well for anybody. Why couldn't you just bring beers? Why couldn't you just do normal, Brit?

Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, because later they're looking at the beer cans and saying funny things about the beer cans. Mm, right. This guy's got grapes. Shane refers to the dowsing rods as voodoo shit, and I was like, that's, you don't even know what anything is, dude.

No, you're the dumbest. And a sex fest. Yeah. Uh, at this point, I just have a note that says we need a Don Doller. I mean someone had to come in and clean this up. Don Doller with $15,000. You know what he could do with that kind of money? And a few people, there would have been a pile of shit and a pair of jeans. Wearing Don Doller's jeans.

Atlantis would have played. Ugh. It has bluegrass, and I love bluegrass. I don't. There are three people carrying out a tiny end table. One person. One person can carry this. Nah, not these jagoffs.

Nah. This is Lisa. She's a psychic, don't you know? Tell me about her psychic abilities. Her psychic abilities is she can grab furniture and tell you where they were made. And he, her boyfriend says she makes up a whole backstory for it. Fucking Luke. Let's talk about Luke. Let's talk about Luke, baby. This guy is a fucking mystery to me.

I don't understand why she's with him, what he's doing. He obviously wants to fuck Alan, right? Like that's the whole like subtext. I mean, yes, because he's like really kind of tender about his feelings, about Alan's feelings. But then later he just says to his girlfriend, I hate feelings. She goes, I know you do.

But he's also like, I hate Justin because he's not kind to Alan. Yeah. It could be nicer to Alan. Everyone be nicer to Alan. It's the moral of the story. Yeah, I mean, hey, I'm not gonna argue with that. You just went lights out for this podcast.

I'm just trying to fix my headband. I looked over and fucking Lady Justice was staring back at me. I had planned to sleep a bit. You've moved on from sleeping through the movie to sleeping through the podcast. Alan says he's happy enough with Justin, which is so meh. We've all been there though. Oh, sure.

Oh my God. So I have notes like, oh, they only need 2,500 rentals to cover the budget of this film. There you go. That's not bad. No, that's how fucking engaged I was in this piece of shit. You're doing the math. Pull up your calculator app.

I hate math. Someone says, I think it's Alan, says we're not here to have fucking fun, Shane. And I thought, but why not? What are you doing here? Why did you invite them to your grandfather's house then? You were not close to your grandfather. You didn't know that he was fucking your dad's fucking

scarecrow corpse. Yeah, your dad still lived there. You fucking dickhead. I hate you so much. Do you know how hard it is for me to hate someone named Alan? That's my fucking name, dog. Alan, I can't think of another, I'm thinking Alan Ladd.

Alan Ladd, who's that? I don't know, I don't know, hold on. Did I make that up? It's always in the New York Times crossword puzzle. No, I think it's a real name. Yeah, someone has named Alan Ladd. He was in, I don't know. He was a famous guy.

He was always in the New York Times crossword puzzle. Look, I'm not good at this. He was a real apps. Yeah. Always in the New York Times crossword puzzle. So Lisa and Alan have this real awkward conversation, but it's not awkward because of what they're talking about. It's just awkward because of the two human beings involved in it. Probably. I just wrote here, I hope something happens soon.

Oh, don't worry. Beer pong will happen soon. Yeah. I love beer pong. I thought of you when I saw beer. You know, I'm a frat boy at heart. The scarecrow, meanwhile is just wandering around in the daylight hitting shit with a stick like a toddler What is happening? He's running down a fence like he's fucking huck Finn. What is going on? They not notice him He's working on bringing another scarecrow to life. Yeah grandpa grandpa scarecrow. Yeah, I heard scarecrow army Maybe could be fun could be something. It's not anything. No, it's a scarecrow quartet at its maximum.

What do we think about the way that the scarecrow's move? Cause they walk kind of like zombies. Yeah. Yeah. And like scarecrow's. Stiffly like scarecrow's, but like trudgingly like zombies. Yeah, cause they'll also do like their fingers will be going while they're walking. Like they're playing an imaginary like keyboard

and it's very weird, but it's not as uncomfortable as when Shane sings the song that he's about to sing. Which is what? It's about Alan getting this farm and his dead grandpa. Yeah, it's pretty good actually. It's not that bad, but Alan gets pissed off. When Britt was like, I kinda liked it, I was like, me too, fuck.

You're a total Britt. Yeah. This movie is like Sex and the City where people are just trying to figure out who they are. Exactly, you're an Alan. Oh man. You're Alan! It's right there in the name.

I was really hoping to be a Lisa. Yeah. Well, Britt hates Wonderwall, so that's not me. Yeah, no, I know you love it. If someone pulls out, I don't like a person pulling out an acoustic guitar, but if they go into Wonderwall, you might've earned my respect.

Yeah. And then you're done. Yeah. Uh-oh. Dog barking. Yeah, I have notes during the song that are like, oh man, why movie? Yeah. Yeah.

And like a real all in caps, I thought this was supposed to be a comedy. Same. The sound in this movie is nutso. It's so bad. And for some reason they're partying at a shed that they decide they have to sleep in because our ancestors slept in sheds.

But also they're sleeping on a bed of gravel. It's like pea gravel. Why? There's beds inside. I don't know. However, most likely to is actually a fun sounding game. Sure. Yes. It's a bit like point and drink. Yeah, it's better than a hide and clap. What's point and drink? I'm pointing at you. And I have to drink? You have to drink. Oh. Okay. Go ahead. I mean, I guess I could have discerned the rules of point and drink. Now it's your turn to point. Let's see.

Me. Okay, I already drank all my beer. All right. So they also say the ovegonorrhea forever, which is just not true. And I feel like they shouldn't mislead kids like that. Oh man. And then they're acting drunk and it's the worst. Yeah. Which is crazy. I know what, how to be drunk. You've been drunk in your life, you know? I don't know. Maybe they're like Mormons or something. Maybe. I also wish that Lisa would stop saying, oh my goddess. It makes me want to set her on fire.

And also, yeah, not everything that was good enough for your ancestors is good enough for me. Like I enjoy brushing my teeth, eating with a spoon. I love a toilet. Oh my God. A bidet even. Oh, come on. Come with it now. So we get the scene where Shane follows Justin in the house and then tries to sexually assault him. Well, he tries to seduce him to be fair at first. And then he starts pushing him onto the bed.

Then he starts pushing him onto the bed. And he keeps saying things along the lines of, why don't you fuck me, pussy? Yeah, yeah. It's like a weird tag, like, oh man, you fucking, oh man. Because I gotta do it now, you call me a pussy. This is in there for us to like Justin, I guess. Because we don't to that point,

but I don't afterwards either. Yeah, and I don't like anybody in this movie, except for maybe Lisa. Brit, no, I'm into Brit. Rave daddy. You'd rather hang out with the psychic girl than the woman in the rave daddy bucket hat? Grow up.

Who gets up and goes, I gotta go piss. I gotta go piss. Where does she piss? She pisses up against the wall in a barn. Okay. Why didn't she go outside? She seemed to think it was a toilet because she said she flops. Yeah, she flops.

She's pissed on herself. That made me worry that I would die first in a horror movie too. Probably, huh? Would you die first? And what? There's only three deaths in this movie, right? Are we including grandma? Oh no, and then three, yeah.

Four including grandpa. Wait, who else? Lisa gets it. Oh, Lisa gets it, that's right. I forgot about Lisa. And Shane gets it. I love that she was sleeping in the bucket hat. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. That's gonna make your hair hurt. Yeah. Um, the scarecrow rolls up behind her. Yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh.

And she thinks it's Shane and the scarecrow feeds her through what I thought was a wood chipper, but it says insulating equipment. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay. No idea what it was. Okay. It was really dark. It was a hilarious joke got it. Oh Alan's cell phone wakes everybody up again because his mom has a propensity to call early in the morning and he does not turn his Phone off which I think is so fucking rude this phone conversation. Hmm, if I may maybe a little reenacting, please Uh-huh Okay like these. Uh huh. Okay. Like 30 second pauses and I'm like, what the fuck is happening? Right? Pretend like your mom's talking, but at least she's still talking. And it's really

just like his mom's saying to come over for food later. Come over. I look like Kristen wig. Okay. Like bunko Kristen wig. Yeah. Come on over. I look a little insane as well. So crazy. I'll go in side and sit down at the table, sit around silently for a moment and then realize that two of six people aren't there. That's a big loss. For these absolute fucking morons. They're talking about what to eat for breakfast, pizza bites,

frozen mini corn dogs, milk and brown sugar and rice. I don't need this. I don't need this conversation. Just try it. You'll like it. Just try it. Okay. I mean, I was like, I like rice pudding. Just try it. Do you like rice pudding? Yeah. I fucking love rice pudding. Yeah. And tapioca pudding. I'm not afraid to say it. Love tapioca pudding. We made tapioca pudding recently and it was goddamn delicious. I always heard it's a challenge. No, it was super easy.

Yeah. Fuck it. Other than, yeah, we had to do some stuff with egg whites, but then it was fine. All right. Lisa has an emergency ritual kit, which I really appreciated, and I wish I carried around stuff like that. What would you have in your kit?

I don't know. Whatever you need. Yeah, whatever emergency ritual stuff. Like there's part of me that wishes I believed in anything. Same. Yeah. So like when someone's like real into a thing, I'm like, Oh, that's pretty cool. What are you into? Yeah. Can I get in on that? Shane is stirring the shit. He tells Alan that Justin hit on him. Yeah, yeah. And Alan sees through it.

Justin would never hit on you. You obviously hit on him. I hate you with all of my passion, as you can hear in my voice. Everyone's grandpa dies though. That's my note. My dead grandpa is not the conversation ender you think it is.

No, and also then, so Alan punches Shane and they start like silently scuffling. Just no one's saying, Oh, or yelling anything. They're just silently scuffling until this scarecrow that must have come from somewhere at the speed of light, slits Shane's throat from behind is gone again in a flash. Gone. He, we saw him walk. He's not great. I had to rewind the movie because I missed the scarecrow the first time and

couldn't figure out why Shane exploded blood out of his neck. It's very good. Missy and I were briefly talking and she's like, what the fuck just happened to me? How did Missy like this movie? She liked it a lot. She liked it a lot. She has a tattoo of it now. Oh good. Great. It's a tattoo that expresses Alan's emotional range.

Just a dot. Just a single dot. So Luke pukes. When he finds Britt's body, pukes literally into her body. Pukes into her body. Uh, Brit's body pukes literally into her body. Pukes into her body. Yeah.

I wrote, she falls down and the scarecrows are out there and one is wearing the bucket hat. I guess I assumed that the scarecrows were just being cheeky and stealing the bucket hat. Not that the scarecrow was meant to be Brit. It's meant to be Brit, but she was put into a wood chipper, wood chipper and, or what'd you say? It wasn't an it said in so it said insulating equipment or something So and but when we saw her put into this she sprayed all of her blood out everything. She's all she's bits now

So what organs would have been left to fit into this? Brits square scarecrow. What's there a? Was there a scene that explained how Scarecrows get made into people and people into Scarecrows? Yes, there must have been, because I know that you just have to put one of their organs inside of the Scarecrow to make it into them.

I feel like it accidentally got edited out. Oh, and you can use your dad's butthole too, trust me. Trust me. Trust me. The Allen is just standing in the living room waiting for them to run in when they run in like to tell him about dead Brit. Like he just watched Shane get killed. He goes into the living room and just stands there and looks through the doorway until

someone runs at him. What is the string of expletives that he says? I have no idea. Jesus Christ. Fuck. Fuck, man. That's actually great. Justin comes out and they're like, we got to go get the, we got to get the body. I don't know.

Whatever. And he goes, we don't have time. You don't have time. Why don't you have time? It's got to get back to the house in the city. Why? The scarecrow, meanwhile, is just outside the window. Just outside the window. It can't come inside. And Lisa's like, I think there's a ward on this

house. And I was like, is there? Cause there was a scarecrow that lived in this house previously. The scarecrow witnessed the death inside the house. Also it killed somebody in the house. No, it didn't. It killed everybody outside. Nevermind. She's like, look at this ritual I have in this book that's conveniently next to me. Where did she get that book? It says in a ritual kit. Emergency ritual kit. You gotta have books in there. It was her book.

I think so. It wasn't, I thought it was a grandfather's book. It may have been. Fuck it. She also delivers a line, "'Luke Honeybaby,' they were made with a ritual, a magic ritual." What?

Luke Honeybaby. Honeybaby? Honeybaby. Honey, baby. Honey, baby. Honey, baby. She sends them off to get all of her spell components. Yeah. Yeah. I need red cloth, black cloth. I need black and white candles. Other things that I've heard about from my friends who were in the occult. She says eggs, but they were just complaining about not having breakfast food. So fucking pull it together. Yeah. Maybe they don't think of eggs as breakfast food. She's doing a ritual while looking very sultry. She does look like she's going to fuck the ritual. Yeah.

They go, did that work? And she goes, I don't know. This is why I think I'm Lisa. Cause I'll talk a bit gamey like, I don't know. You always get this look on your face of like half guilt and half glee where you're like, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Okay. There's the, the, the subtitles say wet thunk, which is the scarecrow stabbing her in the back, but she arises by the power of goddess.

Yes. The power of goddess. I have a note that says scarecrow farts grandpa's ashes and I don't know what that means. Maybe it's something I was hoping would happen. I don't know. He does open the urn and kind of dig around in there. Yeah. Maybe it meant that he farts around in the ashes. Who knows? Yeah, he's fucking with it.

And this is when mom realizes that the scarecrow is dad. I thought Alan did. Cause I have a note here that says, I think it's my dad question mark. Oh, maybe. And, but like, says, I think it's my dad, question mark. Oh, maybe. But like, why would he think it's his dad? It's got that vibe.

It also might help to know if we knew what had happened to his dad. We didn't even know his dad was dead at this point. He says, some part of my dad lives inside Billy. And I wrote, we missed a scene somewhere. Some part of us, all of us live inside Billy. Oh, by the way, mom shows up and says, who's ready for chili? They had had a scene talking about chili earlier

in the movie and it was enthralling. I love it. I love his mom's chili. I just love his mom's chili. She makes the best chili. Our chili is the same. We talk about chili? Come at me.

Yeah. Come at me. People feel serious best chili. How chili is the same? We talk about chili. Come at me. Yeah. Come at me. People feel serious about chili. They really are. It's just like some beans and stuff. Well, that's a question. Should beans be in chili? People, chili purists say no.

But then you're just eating slop. You're getting unbridled sloppy Joe. What are you doing? What are you doing? It's sloppy Joe in liquid. It's soup sloppy Joe. What are you doing? What are you doing? It's sloppy Joe in liquid soup, sloppy Joe grow up. Everybody needs to fucking grow up. It puts some corn syrup in there like a real adult. So Alan yells at his dad crow.

It's me you want. It was my decision to sell the farm. Do we know that he's upset about him selling the farm and if so how? Yeah, because the connellies can never have this farm as we knew from the very opening scene in this movie. Oh. And earlier he said something about selling the farm and somebody got murdered. Oh right. I think. This is where the soundtrack to the movie made me make a note that says this is like a Mumford and Son song can't get started How did it go? It was just like? I was like the stomping clops gonna happen

Luke can't stop crying over his dead girlfriend. Curl up. I mean, I'm way sadder about him losing his girlfriend than I am about Alan losing his grandpa. Mom has a gun. She goes, runs back to the car and gets a gun. What the actual fuck. There's part of it that's like, yo, I want mom's movie.

Cause this woman is a loose cannon. She's crazy. Justin ends up on the ground and he gets knocked down by the scarecrow, I guess. It gives him a concussion. And the scarecrow puts Alan in like a headlock with like a little scythe, is that a scythe? To his neck.

And he like starts talking sweet to him. He's like, baby, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you. He's Motown fillying this guy. He's putting on, no, he's putting on, fucking I'll make love to him. He's like, baby, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna tell you. He's Motown filling this guy. He's putting on, no, he's putting on, fucking, I'll make love to you. I was gonna say, I'll make love to you. Yeah. Like you want me to. And I'll hold you tight. I can't imagine how fast my boner would pop by like a balloon and fly around the room if someone put that song on when I was about to make love to them.

Really, you don't think it would do it for you? No, not at all. I think it's very sensual, Alan. As someone who was very stoked that I once made love to a record. Oh God. That's weird. I was like 16, What do you want?

No, it's true. It was pretty fucking cool. Yeah. I lost my virginity to. I gotta edit that out. I edit it out every time you say it. Can you bleep it though, so that people don't know what I'm saying? So.

Alan says to the scared dad. Scared dad. Scared dad or dad crow like come to the scare dad, scared dad or dad, crow like decided by now. It's both good. He says this won't bring him back. And the scarecrow starts crying on his chest. How did he know this would work? But why do they kill? I don't know.

But at one point mom's in the car with like Justin and a dead Bonnie and she's just like tapping on the window waiting for everyone to show up and just like a freak out in the car. And I was like, this woman is fucking genius. They were so stoked that they got her in this movie. She's also buff as fuck. Oh my God, she got Michelle Obama arms.

Yes, when she comes to pick up Justin, you're like, oh damn, mom's hitting cross-fed. She had on those real tight skinny jeans and she had like super buff arms. And I was like, this is amazing. I love her so much. She's great.

So he's going to light the house on fire and burn his dad up inside of it. But there's this really touching scene where he can't, he can't just light the match because he can't get rid of his grandfather's house. He just can't do it. And dad grabs the box of matches and you're like, yeah, I can do this. Yeah, give them to the toddler. It's meaningful when a toddler burns down a house.

Oh man. They, they start the fire with Britt's moonshine and then the scarecrow slumps on the couch. Like he's had a long day at the office. I don't understand. He looks around the house at all of his memories. And he like waves goodbye, I think. I just wrote, this doesn't make a lick of sense. Cut to he's outside bearing grandpa's urn.

He buries the urn and the bucket hat and something else. That tie. I don't know who the tie was for. There was a white plastic thing too. There's the kimono that Shane is wearing and then something else and I don't know who the tie was. There was a white plastic thing too. There's the kimono that Shane is wearing and then something else and a tie. Who's are these? Is he remorseful? Who knows? He's very flexible though. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh,

when he bends over backwards to stare at the camera like, no, he's like, he like bends over the graves that he has made. This is the first time we see him be flexible. It will not be the last time. There's 30 seconds left in this movie. So cut to Alan and Justin are packing a bag and Alan's like, I'll be back soon. So is it a good thing these two are still together? I'm not sure that it is.

Their relationship seems toxic as fuck. I was hoping he was leaving him for good. Yeah. Go fuck Luke dude. He's single now. He's fine. And he's dressed like Gilligan for some inexplicable reason. Sure was. He's very thin and wearing a Gilligan shirt.

He should have had the bucket hat. We get this weird montage of like peonies blooming. Yeah. And baby deer. Yeah. Why? I don't know, that baby deer had huge ears though. It was very off-putting.

It was very cute. And he goes to see his scared dad, his dad crow. I thought he was trying to kill his dad in the house. Yep. Okay. And now he loves him and goes and visits. He's like, Hey, you got a sec. What teach him how to fucking change a tire?

I'm talking about the birds and the bees. And they were like, well, so now Connelly can't have it. But if he was going to bulldoze the house, he'd have still bought the land. Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Nope. Okay. Katie. What?

Can I tell you that I invented a thing while I was watching this movie at the very end here? What, what, what? I just invented a thing called scarapy where I dress up as a scarecrow and you tell me your feelings and then we hug and that's the end of the session. Fucking love this. Talking to a scarecrow about your grief and scarapy.

Scarapy. And like, where's he gonna go? he can't just live in the scarecrow out in the world Good luck out there. No, but he's got like a full like fucking community garden And he's buried his dead loved ones stuff in and his kids friends And the last line of the movie is please don't kill anyone back Ben fist bump. Back bend fist bump. Can I, and then there's like a drawing of Alan and daddy and I just. And Billy. It's stupid. Yeah. It's real stupid. What's your last note? Uh, please don't kill anyone. It might've been a note to myself. Mine is truly and genuinely, this is worse than I could

have ever imagined. It's a one, it's a one for me. Oh yeah. It's terrible, just terrible. The item is still taking the cake as the worst movie we've ever done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is- I finished this one, so.

Yeah, as Missy said, you have done movies with worse acting than this, and I was like, I think we might have, but yes, this is very bad. It is very bad. Like at one point, Lisa is saying something and you can't tell whether she's supposed to be lying or just not good. And it's like, that's how you, that's move. That's a movie. That's the part of the movie. You know, uh, you give it a one, even one that might be stronger.

Giving it a zero. Okay. Okay. But I'll give it $15,000 for trying. I don't have $15,000 to give to it. No, I don't not real dollars Just score score dollars. Yeah, speaking of dollars. Thank you all so much for donating to our friend pies go find me It's a shit time and you've all been super helpful. Thank you. Very sweet I so many new is so nice to recognize so many names also, if you have a Some money that you'd like to part with if you go go to numerogroup.com, you can now buy Eldritch Anisette, also known as Elder Tennis Net,

t-shirts on there and the LP will be coming soon. And it's a very bizarre time for me to be alive. Alan is an old emo person. Yeah, I'm an old emo. One last bit of housekeeping. Please. Julian Tyler, thank you so much for inviting us to your baby shower.

We cannot make it, it's my kid's birthday. And also you live in Indiana and that's a bit of a haul for us to get for a baby shower. And also we're not the Ghostbusters at the beginning of Ghostbusters 2, but we'll send you a gift. But I do look forward to seeing pictures of your child after they're born. Yes, please. With the names, either Alan or Katie, I assume they're going to be named or... It's probably twins.

Callan or a lady Callen is a name people pick. If you don't name this baby Callen or a lady, also except a lady, a lady, a lady, a lady, a lady, a L a T I E but congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy and best wishes to you both. And I was very stoked to like anytime we get mail that makes it look like we're a couple, I get very excited. I know. Katie plus Alan.

Oh, Katie plus Alan, what are we going to do next time on this beautiful podcast? I'll give you a hint. It's coming to HBO Max on Saturday. HBO Max tomorrow. We're doing sinners, sinners, sinners. We're going to do centers. Katie's not seen it yet. I know Alan gets to go to movie theaters to see things other than the Garfield movie or the dog man movie or the Mario Brothers movie. Mario Brothers movie was dope. A lot of good jokes. Yeah, we're going to do centers. So, uh, you know, poor went out for Katie. She's going to spend two hours and 17 minutes watching a movie.

Not if I watch on my laptop. No, just kidding. I want to really watch this one because I hear it's great. Yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Maybe spoiler alert. Good to know. Uh, let's go back for that. Go buy shirts and shit at a T public, Um, go become a Patron on Patreon, search Patreon,

where of ambulance, um, or you go to any of our social media. There's link trees for everything. There is link in our link tree at the top of it. Now is the, uh, uh, go fund me for pie. Um, also, uh, take care of each other. Reach out to your friends if you haven't heard from them in a while. Tell your friends you love them.

It's been fucking rough. And... That's it. Thanks for listening to another episode of Where with Fam. Sorry, it's a little bit of a short one. I don't care, I'm tired. Yeah, you got all $15,000 out of this episode.

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