Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 527- The Church (1989)

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

In this week's episode, we're returning from our hiatus (Pye-atus?) with a bit of a switcheroo: instead of "Sinners" which we will get back to, I promise, we're talking shitty Italian horror and may well continue to do so for the next couple of weeks while our hearts are still so tender. It's the 1989 Michele Soavi vehicle "The Church." Special topics for your consideration include: the delights of a completely plotless Italian film, creeps being creepy, a PSA about butt plugs, and the concept of being a bit nicer to your 14 year old daughter at any point but especially when you're Dario Argento. We've done a million Italian movies, so just search the archives for Dario Argento or Lucio Fulci or Mario Bava and you're sure to be delighted. The regular lineup of links! Our pal Pye needs our help: https://gofund.me/a98ba99e You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever.   If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT"   Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

We're back. Holy shit. We're back from our pie. Weeks ago I got a text message that said, can we call this our pie? I've been waiting all that time to use it and I'm not sure that I said it out loud that many times because now that I'm saying pie, it sounds a bit like a disease of the ball or a delicious Spanish dish. Paetas.

You just reminded me, someone posted on the werewolf ambulance Reddit that they were very excited because they found out that Danzig did comic books. Yeah. And there's the Verodica, what is the name of that Verodica thing? Suspens-ter-ies.

Suspens-ter-ies. Suspens-ter-ies. Is it like a dispen, nope, dispens-tery? Dispens-tery. He is a straight up moron. So stupid. Love him. So stupid.

There was a girl at the Bloomfield Pool recently who has a tattoo of Danzig with the cat litter boxes. Like of the image of the meme tattoo. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I guess that's the thing, right? I guess so. I mean, sure. I wouldn't mind that this is fine, dog.

Speaking of, I just want to thank everybody for being so patient with us while we traverse one of life's shittiest things, which is the illness of a friend. So we're, and take care of your own mental health. We're like, I just did, like I just did. Can't be more like me. That's why I had to take three weeks off.

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of everybody who's out there taking care of their mental health. And I'm proud that we didn't really get shitty messages. No, there was that one guy, but. What one guy? I asked you and you said no. There was no guy. All we've gotten is, oh my God, I love you,

I love you, I love you. Oh, that's gross. It's just cause you don't really know me. No, you don't know what I do. I just told Alan to stop letting poop come out of his dick hole. That's an off air conversation. I don't think it's good for him.

Listen, I'm just trying to get into the whole cloaca scene. Yeah, I mean, I like being part of it, but I was born into it. Sure, yeah, yeah. Old one-hole Katie. Old one-hole Katie, that was my high school nickname. They call me Hole-in-One, actually.

No, it wasn't for putt, putt. Listen, we were gonna do Sinners. But I watched it at the height of my sadness, and as soon as the credits rolled I sobbed for like 45 fucking minutes over just the suffering of humanity. And then we took a week off and then we took two weeks off and then I was like I can't really watch it again now because I just don't want to go back to sobbing for 45 minutes. So we'll come back to it.

We decided to do something else instead. Yeah it's funny because my takeaway was it's just a celebration of pussy eating. I mean, I think it's really, he's doing the Lord's work of dispelling the stereotype that black men don't go down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So thanks for that. I would just really love that. That was a running theme in that movie. But yeah, we'll come back to The First Sinners, a celebration of pussy eating.

A celebration of pussy eating. And just the suffering of humanity. Instead, we did a 1980s Italian horror movie. Yeah. The Church. The Church, directed by. Michele Suave. You love Michele Suave.

Who doesn't? Eh. Dario Argento, I believe. Oh really, did they fall out? After this movie, I believe they did fall out, yeah. Michele Suave was sort of like, he was being mentored by Argento, right? Yeah, yeah.

And then he felt really limited by Argento. Was he, cause Argento was like, you can have my daughter in this movie, but only if she is menaced by a man three times her age, physically and emotionally. Is that part of it? Ah. What the fuck, man?

Italy in the 80, baby! Oh, she's just a baby. She's 14 years old. I know, and she looks all of eight. She looks like a baby, little Asia Argento. There was one point where she turned, and I was like, oh my god, she looks like Lucy. This is freaking me out.

Yeah, no good. Anyway, my first note says, "'Ravenous Demons,' huh?" You don't say, because it's an Italian horror movie. And a lot of them are about ravenous demons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your first note is not, "'This movie stars Hugh Quarshie.'"

No, but I do have notes about both Keith Emerson and Goblin. Yeah. What? I forgot Keith Emerson got involved in all this. What was he doing? This is like a second or third like Argento related project. Yeah, were they buds? Yeah, Argento was like super into prog rock. I mean that checks.

And heavy metal. That checks, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently Emerson did a whole soundtrack for this movie. Yeah. But Argento's reaction was, this sucks. So he just used a couple songs. And mostly, was there Philip glass in this to you like cop the fuck a couple Philip glass Yeah, weird goblin is just one guy from glob goblin. It's a cloudy. Oh semen. No, it's not Claudio's evident

Seminetti semen a T semen a T. Yeah If I don't think I think it was another dude and they're just like, just call a goblin. I'm goblin. We're all goblin. It's a movie though. It's a fucking, it is a movie that is based loosely on a book, which I found out or a short story by MR James. Did you read it? I didn't, but I read a synopsis of it at four o'clock in the morning when my cat woke me up and I couldn't fall back to sleep. She's got talking to do. She is a chatty cappy. Um, what, what's the book about? It's an M R James story about a, uh, guy in like the 15th

century who, um, is told that in this well, there is a bag that holds a bunch of gold. So he goes into the, and then the bag attacks him. Which is sort of like what happens in this movie. At one point. Yeah, loosely based. Loose, very, very, as anything that Argento is related to is based on anything. Yeah, he's like, I saw something and I thought,

what if we did? What if we made it worse? Apparently this movie was gonna be Demons 3. Oh. And then Argento's reaction was movie was gonna be Demons 3. Oh. And then Argento's reaction was no one wanted Demons 2. No. Did we done Demons 2? We haven't, but we should.

Okay, we should, yeah. It's a, rather than a movie, it's a television set. Oh, good. Good. We open on either the Crusades or a bunch of men who got good deals on buckets at the Deposito Domestico, which is just a literal translation of Home Depot. That's for you. Deposits are domestico.

Yeah. They're like Templars or well, they're two tonic nights. We find out later on. I didn't find that out. Oh yeah. Hugh Quarshie was talking. I, every time he started talking, I just completely zoned out. Cause I was like, I know you don't know how to read Latin. You're just making this up as you go. What? He has been adamant about not being able to read Latin this entire time. It's like they have one black character and he's late and under educated.

It's like, come on guys. I do love that this is an English, German, Hungarian, Italian movie. Yeah, this is filmed in Budapest, right? Yeah. Yeah. Cause at one point it like you see a street sign or something. You're like, what the fuck? How many continents can you cram in there? Yeah. Apparently no one would let them film in a church. And so they were like, well, I guess we got to go to Budapest. Yeah. They'll let us fucking Hungarians. So these, uh, these lad come in.

What these Templar, uh, two tonic nights are running around. Yeah. What's a two tonic night? A German night. Yeah. Um, it just sounds cool. Yeah, it sure does. Uh, so they're, they're like cruising through the woods and some little goblin dude runs out and he's like, yeah, over here. Yeah. Who is he? I don't know. But he points at a rock that has the six 666 from Damien's head on it. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. I was like, Ooh, nice hat tip.

It is a very good hat tip. And then they are taken to like a cave where people live. Cause there's people living caves at this time, or are they just hiding out? Yes. Okay. Because also those caves are buildings in like 20 seconds. There will be, there will be buildings that people will that people will be thrown out of as these people are killing. That's a really good point. Yeah. Um, cause there's a witch. I'm going to be a witch.

I love that the stigmata is a fucking cross shaped cut. That's not what it is. That's not what stigmata is. A cross on the soles of your feet. But this witch might bring a plague, which is the movie that we just did with Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage, I'm pretty sure. Okay, all right. Good thing we just did that. I'm sorry that I cut you off saying

that you wanna be a witch. Oh no, everyone knows. Why would I even bother saying it? But you just wanna be like a... Like later in the movie where they're all standing around while the devil's fucking the lady and someone has lit a bunch of candles on the floor, I was like, I can be the candle person.

I'll set up the candles and then I'll stand at the back of the room while the devil fucks the lady. Make sure everybody has water. Yeah. You got to make sure you stay hydrated, especially if your dick comes out of your navel like the demons does because that's where he's at. So everybody has to die. The the one night crushes the witch's face with his hand. He's like a stud kind of, but he has a weird braid coming down his face.

From the middle of his forehead. The witch says, you won't hurt me, will you? And then he gloves her face and smushes until paint comes out of her, which I loved quite a bit. She full of paint. They look at the bottom of her feet. Oh, it's the cross. She's got the cross at the bottom of her feet. Ah, it's the cross. She's got the cross on the bottom of her feet.

So Stigmata. She did the movie Stigmata at some points, real bad. Oh, I said, uh, that's not Jennifer Jason Lee. Who's in Stigmata? I can't remember, but it's filmed in Pittsburgh. Oh. They like riding the T around quite a bit. It's like, where you going?

South Hills Village Mall? Come on. Grow up. Oh, speaking of the tea, I fell in love with a pizza shop in Dormont. Yeah. Badamos. Yeah. Radditt.

Yeah. So good. It's pretty good. Yeah, Badamos. You can take the tea there. Exactly, that's what reminded me of it. Yeah. So yeah, so there's this like huge triumphant Emerson

soundtrack going on right now. And there is a mannequin that gets beheaded and then the mannequin head is rolling around and being like polo kicked by horses and I loved it. I liked this a lot. Everybody's stepping on the severed head. The other thing I kept thinking was that the field of vision on these masks seems so fucking dangerous

for riding a horse or wielding a weapon. Like they do point of view where they have put the mask over the camera so that you're just looking, step to the left, step to the right, you're gonna escape these guys, you know? I do like the visual of when they took their helms off and they had like the dirt crosses on their face. Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah, that was pretty cool. There's a lot of stuff in this movie that's pretty all right. Sure. I mean, I think this is like the pretty all rightest of the Italian horror movies that you get. Hmm. It's a pretty all right movie. I mean, just the plot. Well, we'll get to it. Wait, you found a plot? No, that's what I was hoping you would tell me about. I mean, We'll get to it. Wait, you found a plot? No, that's what I was hoping you would tell me about.

Uh-uh. I mean, in this scene, we see a baby hidden in a basket and then gets trampled. It's fucking hard, McKelley Suave. Do you think I jumped up and cheered with them? It's funny that you, like children, hate babies. They just have to get past that phase. I love babies.

No. Oh, I do. No, you like seeing them trampled. I do like seeing them trampled. Yeah, it's funny. I'm telling you, the witch, you like seeing them trampled. I do like seeing them trampled. Yeah, it's funny. I'm telling you, the witch. You like seeing children trampled? Not as much.

See? But like, I think it's because it's so fucking taboo. Yeah, to kill a baby. What's that? To kill a baby. Yeah, that opening scene in The Witch, when he like pulps a baby, and I was just like, what is this?

Yeah, that's bad. Yeah, you know where you are when a baby gets trampled. Yes, but then the baby gets trampled and then we see women just getting dragged around with their tits out and you're like, never forget, this is an Italian horror movie. Hey. They just throw them into this mass grave,

tits in the wind. Tits in the wind. They're not dead, but the clergyman is like, oh no, they're coming back from the dead. Murder them more. Yeah. To here, I have written a note to you. Bury me with my tits out.

Let the world know. Great tits. What the fuck? And don't forget, this whole time, Basket Face is running around. Yes, this person is a great weaver. That's high quality work on that basket. Yeah.

Who is it? Is it Lata? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you say her name? Asia Argento. Not Asia.

No, it's Asia. OK, well, she's Italian. They toss a chicken in the mass grave. I don't know. Not even a chicken, better. It's a duck. It's a duck. You're right.

It's a duck. Did it have a, you're right, it's a duck. Like, did it have a little cross on its little webbed foot? I doubt it. I 100% believe that that duck accidentally got killed by a horse and they were like, throw it in the pit. Throw it in the pit. Make it look like it was in the movie. There's also just a yelling head, like a dead head

of a person stuck in a scream, and it just was absolutely tickling me, honestly. But I did like that zombie hands come up out of the pit to grab people to drag them down, or grab a horse. Grab a horse? I was like, get off that fucking horse, guy. He rides it all the way to the bottom. Yeah, I mean, you gotta ride to the bottom.

Then they bury the horse too. Because his hoof is sticking out of the dirt. I loved that. What are we going to do? We must build a church on it. Yeah. A titular church. Yeah, all of a sudden it's indoors. Yeah.

We see this guy in a suit walking in. He's being shot from a squirrel's perspective, as far as I can tell. He's sometimes on the ground, sometimes it's way up high, sometimes it's like skittering along the back of a pew. Did they, why? Why is it shot like this? Oh, yes.

They had a crane and they were going to use it. I see, I see. Yeah, and they drop a giant cross on top of all the dead people. Yeah. Which will come back shortly. Eventually. Yeah. Yeah.

So we cut to the modern day church, which is now getting a rehabbed. Right. And there's a guy showing up for his first day at work. Right. And we'll just call him Bobby Wildhair. What the fuck is going on with this guy? I call him Wonky Eye, but that's rude. So we'll go with Bobby Wildhair.

I think his name is Evan. Evan, yes. He meets a woman who is restoring a fresco. He says to her, what a divine fresco, and she just shrugs. Great response. Cool art. Sorry, it's just a dorm poster of a Bosch painting. Don't blame me. It's like, what church has a Bosch fresco?

And what is her name? Uh oh, you talking about my girl Lisa? Lisa. Lisa. Lisa rules. It's so easy to get a date in Italy 1989. He just walks by her and he's like, coffee? And she's like, I'd love to.

This lady has not a single self-esteem, not one. Get one. I realize that's rich coming from me saying not a single self-esteem, not one. Get one. I realize that's Rich coming from me saying to get a self-esteem. What? Eh, I don't really like myself. Oh, come on now. But she really ought to.

She could also use a character arc. Well, she, um. She paints and fucks? She paints and fucks. Yeah. Well, you know, that's kind of a character. Sure. Just don't have to go, why should she change? She paints and she fucks Well, you know, that's kind of a character. Sure. Just don't have to go, why should she change?

She paints and she fucks. Don't change, girl. So there's a child under the table. Yeah, a little ajar, a little latte. Latte. And the new librarian is being kind of a creep. He's like down really close to her talking to her on the floor.

Like you might a toddler, not a tween girl. But she's got a jingly ball and she's like down really close to her talking to her on the floor. Yeah. Like you might a toddler, not a tween girl. But she's got a jingly ball. She's like, Oh, look at this. It's my jingly ball. Yeah. She pulls a cat bell out of his ear as far as I can tell. Is that what happened? Now it is.

And, and, and the Bishop has been pretending to be a statue and then follows him into his office. He is so weird. I also thought that he was Latte's dad. And I was like, he's a hundred years old. Who did he fuck? I don't know. What's that dust nut gonna do to make a baby?

Seriously, she's gotta be all messed up. But that's not her dad. Her dad's a little pig man. Her dad is a pig man. Yeah. A real Jag off. And also say what you will about God, but organs fucking rule. Organ music kicks ass. It's undeniable. I like that this guy is going full like a Procol Haram on this thing. He's just like going ham on this organ before church starts.

It's pretty rad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also not rad is making all of your parishioners stand for the readings and the homily. Yeah. Which I thought, oh, that's a rough look. And then they all just agreed to sit down mid-speech. They all just sit down at one point.

There's no like impetus for it. This is not how church works. Also the man who was formerly a statue and is now the bishop, sounds like RFK Junior because he's 105 years old. He does sound like RFK Junior. So I hated him even more. Yeah, he sucks.

Yeah. You know, do you think they'd stop painting the, or working on the fresco during the mass? No. Like they're knocking shit over. She's fucking butterfingers up there. Yeah. At least it's more entertaining to watch

than a mass though, I guess. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, uh huh, yeah. So then there's guys jackhammering in the basement. Who are they? Jackhammer boys. Why are they doing that? Yep, during the mass.

Why are they doing it, period? Because they, oh, they're working with Fresco. So you gotta go home, and you go down and jackhammer the basement. That's the foundation of the building. Yeah, uh-huh. Katie, I wanna point something out to you. Yes, please.

This movie, people will start talking in the daytime, and the next sentence will be at night. Yeah, I like that a lot. They will be working on something in like a bathroom upstairs, and suddenly they'll be jackhammering in the daytime and the next sentence will be at night. Yeah, I like that a lot. They will be working on something in like a bathroom upstairs and suddenly they'll be jackhammering in the basement. Yeah, why? There's just like, the editing process was just,

put it together, just put it together. All right, it's amazing. Put it together. Yeah. Foltz you stand around going, what are you guys doing? Was he involved in this? No. Oh, thank goodness. There'd be like 20% more maggots if he had been. What are you guys doing? Was he involved in this? Oh, thank goodness. There'd be like 20% more maggots if he had been.

Someone answer that maggot phone. Oh my god. What movie is that in? I got to re-watch that. Is that City of the Living Dead? Yes. OK, great. Yeah, yeah.

That's also where the woman pukes her own guts out. Yeah, I'm going to watch that this weekend. That's a good movie. Go on a little vacation and watch that movie. I'll send you away with my DVD if you want. It's okay, I'll just use your Shutter account. I love it. So the lady, Lisa, is down there overseeing the jackhammers

even though her job seems to be art restoration. Also she's gotta fix these cracks now that the jackhammering has made cracks. Okay, what did you think it was gonna do first? And second, why? And then fucking, Evan comes down and he's like what are you even doing why don't you just like call the the what's the I don't know office of of restoration or yes and she's like she goes okay like let this guy you just met on his first day of

work tell you how to do your fucking job. Sick, sick McKelley. And she's like, he's like, why don't you call that guy and let's go get some coffee. And yeah, all right, that sounds great. But before they leave. He is very handsome. I don't think so. Beg to differ.

He's also really obnoxious. He keeps being like, sweetheart, huh? But in this scene, okay, tell me if I'm insane, but like she's touching those cracks like a, you know what, right? She's like flicking that bean. Like what's the fuck? I can't be the only one seeing that, right? Is this whole movie a metaphor for female sexuality? Great. Yeah. She's like, finds a little piece of part, what we've learned to be parchment. Oh, is this after she puts the piece of plexiglass

with bubble gum on either side of it to hold the crack together? Well, I don't know if it's before or after that, but she is stroking her fingers down it like it's lady. Yeah. And then, like, just flicking this piece of paper back and forth. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. All right. I believe I have a, she makes a hole by lightly fingering the wall. Yeah. It's the sentence that I bring down. And she pulls out a parchment. What a lot of people don't know about female genitalia.

Tell me. If you flick it just right, you get paper from it. And then you can read. It's like a fortune. It's like a fortune. It's like one of those like in big. It's like a fortune. It's like one of those, um, like in big, you know, he's just touching her face, telling her how to do her fucking job in front of the kid's dad priest,

but it's not the kid's dad. It's just a priest, just a priest. And this actor playing Lisa is always looking around like she's super high, but trying to act normal she's like everybody knows everybody knows that's her entire face she's great yeah oh my god yeah what is she oh yes this is so she pulls the note she she takes it to Evan and Evan's like, oh my god This isn't a cult thing. I know what a cult thing is. I'm a librarian. I hate being a librarian I want to do a cult stuff. Okay, he says something like yeah

I don't want to spend the rest of my life around old books. Why the fuck did you bother learning Latin, bro? Seems like a waste of your time. I Don't want to spend the rest of my time with my up to my elbows in someone's chest. Why did you become a heart doctor, sir? Seriously? What were you thinking? He sucks. He sucks.

Do you know he's in like a million things. Of course he is. He's a very handsome fellow. Okay. According to me, he was in the Dark Knight Rises. Did we see that one? Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's the one with Bane.

Okay. Um, he was in Gladiator. I hate that's the one with Bane. Okay. He was in Gladiator, I hate that movie. What? Holy sucks. He was in Tombstone, I thought that's a movie I like. Okay, all right, a little Val Kilmer action. Kurt Russell, baby. I watched Willow over the weekend,

so I got my Val Kilmer on. Oh yeah, I got your Vals in. Yeah. God rest his soul. All right, Pizzle. All right, Pizzle. Wow, Romeo and Juliet 2013. What are you even talking about? Hailey Steinfeld was in it?

What are you, Stellan Skarsgård and Paul Giamatti? What is this? That's so weird. Sometimes I think they just make movies and then just put them away. I know that that's a thing that happens, but like. Who saw this? It made $3 million of the box office and that's nothing.

Not for a Giamatti joint. No. What's he up to these days? He's in a bunch of stuff. Giamatti is always out there Giamattiing. All right. It's kind of podcast where we talk about horror movies. Really?

Yeah. Sometimes. Fuck him. All right. Stay in your lane, Giamatti. Seriously, go do sideways too. John Adams too. He plays John Quincy now.

He just plays Quincy. Yeah. So, um. They have like a, we meet the other priests. There's one who's a dickhead. And then there's the black guy. Oh, there's like the squirrely dude. And then there's father Gus black guy is late. Can't speak Latin. Everyone hates him. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Meanwhile, Lisa and Evan are back at her place. They have just met.

Yeah. But he spent the entire day looking at the occult piece of paper rather than doing his job. Just fucking walk around my place while I take a shower? In what world? Now come into my bathroom while I do my skincare? I was upset.

I was upset by this. I was like, oh, well they've gotta be postcoitus. They banged and now she's showering his filth off of her. I guess. But no, because then they like, Oh, well they've got to be postcoitus. Like they banged and now she's showering his filth off of her. I guess. And then, but no, cause then they like, they, they go for it. Yeah. And she says to him, look at my hands. I can't keep them clean. And then they start kissing. What? Is that work? Should I try that? They both have their eyes.

Should I try that? Hey Rob, look at my hands. I can't keep them clean. And then keep my eyes wide open. Why? Why do they have their eyes wide open? It's so deeply upsetting. And this is interspoliced with Aja Argento sneaking out of the church through a cubby that she's aware of. Yeah, I guess she goes out and parties.

Yeah, yeah. It seems strange. Yeah, for a little 14 year old on the town. 14, yeah. It seems strange. Yeah, for a little 14 year old on the town. 14, yeah. In hunger room. Yeah. Yeah. So.

She says, I'm gonna have a shower. Amuse yourself while I'm gone. Yeah, he's looking at the parchment and then they start hooking up. Yeah. And he starts, he like puts a travel mug or something. It's a lighter. Oh, and it's a mirror.

So this is a good solve. It's like the best spot hidden check role of all time. Exactly. Yeah. He is, he realizes that the parchment has words that are Latin in Latin and are legible in the mirror. Yeah. And we're obviously written with a Sharpie. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Also in what world are titties are an option, but I'm going to look over here at this lighter for a while. I mean, he loses that boner quick. He says while reading this, I've got to find a stone with seven eyes, and then just stares like stupidly at nothing for quite a while. That's a thing from that MR. James story,

the stone with seven eyes. OK. We'll direct you to it. Which I a thing from that MR James story. Oh. The stone with seven eyes. Okay. We'll direct you to it. Which I don't think we see, we have seen yet. It wasn't in the flashback to the crusades, was it? No, no, we, yeah, no, I don't think we've been to, I think we saw water dripping on a eye of it earlier. Ah, gotcha.

But not the all seven. The old look at my dirty hands to boning trick. Yeah, I mean apparently it works Lady Macbeth and all. Maybe it just doesn't have the staying power one would want out of a sexual encounter. I think you're probably right. She says that they should give the parchment to the bishop. And he says, come on sweetheart, you're on my side.

How good is that dick, come on. It's just a dick to her. She's just like, yay, dick. Yeah. The Bishop is back at home reading like torture porn. I don't know what his deal is. I don't know what he's into. His kinks are many and gross. His pet peeves are. He hears Audra return and she hears hoofbeats. Yeah. We've heard hears hoofbeats. Yeah, we've heard the hoofbeats earlier too. Um, we meet her real dad.

Who smacks the shit out of her. Yeah. He's, Oh my God, this is your baby in this movie. Dario, you did this. Hey, he didn't push her face through a plane of glass. That's true. Today he did not. He didn't shoot his wife in the eye. Oh wait, no, he didn't do her face through a plane of glass. That's true. Today he did not. The dad. He didn't shoot his wife in the eye. Oh wait, no, he didn't do that, yeah. The dad is yelling at her, how did you get out? Which is not the question you want to be asking as a parent who has caught their child sneaking out.

Not how did you get out, but why did you get out? Where'd you go? Where'd you go? I appreciate that mom could give a shit whether either of these two human beings lived or died. She's just on her own. She's on her own plane. Yeah.

I have a note here that says she just wants to fuck, but he just wants to learn. Ain't that always the way? Because they're back at the church for some reason and she's going back home. Why did she even come back to the church? This is the thing, like night, day, work, home, nothing matters, nothing is real.

She says to him, I'll leave the porch light on for you. When did they agree to spend the night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They, oh no. Yeah, this is where I have to know that it says time is wild in this movie. She's walking home, she's jingling as she walks. Yeah, she's jingling, baby.

And then she hears a horse hoofin' around. This is fuckin' nightmare shit, don't tell me horses aren't scary. Ghost horse. The ghost horse rushes her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we learn that Father Gus is an archer who goes out for a nighttime archer.

What, where does anyone do archery except summer camp? Do people actually, besides Gina Davis, do like recreational archery? Yeah. Okay. Gina Davis had like, she used part of her fortune to make sure that every big city has an archery range so that people can learn how to do archery.

That's a good way to spend your money. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's big, she's in the pocket of big archery. Big arrow. Yeah, big arrow. He hallucinates like a crusader while practicing archery for some reason. Why does he hallucinate it?

I don't know. Also, why is the crusader a child? It was a very short crusader. We'll be more shorter back then. I don't know. Oh, now it's nighttime. The Bishop is still reading that his torture porn. There's drippy stuff onto a slit. This is one of them eyeballs. I see. Is that an octopus? If so, that rules bury me under a carving of an octopus

with my tits out. It's not an octopus. No, it's the Satan head. It kicks ass honestly. Yeah, it rips. I like when the pigeon comes out of the statue face to scare Evan. I was pretty into that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like when the pigeon comes out of the statue face to scare Evan, I was pretty into that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's down in the sub-basement. Right. And this is where he finds the stone with seven eyes. Mm-hmm. And so what does he do? I don't know, he spends a lot of time on it, though. He starts wiggling it and twisting it.

Right, Michele Zuawe just does not know when to say cut. You know? Just like, this is a really long scene. This is a really long movie. Not his first movie either. No? He did a movie called Stage Fright, which we should do at some point.

Put it on the list. Should we just turn this into an exclusively Italian horror movie podcast? Yeah, exclusively Mckelley Suave movies. Mckelley Suave. The killer in Stage Fright wears a giant owl head. Well, that's pretty great. It's pretty awesome actually.

Yeah. So, yeah, he gets a pick, he starts fucking around, he gets the stone, lifts it out and there's a hole. The whole cross just falls into the ocean. They really just threw that thing into the sea and filmed it. Like, that's out there somewhere. Do you know what I'm saying?

They threw it off a cliff. You can't just do that. Of course they can. They killed a fucking duck saying? They threw it off a cliff. You can't just, you can't just do that. They killed a duck earlier. Just threw it up. That was my friend, Heidi from the lake. Oh, Heidi. Yeah. I have to believe it was an accident that duck died. He finds a bag. He finds a bag. What's in the bag? He rips into it like a bag of Funyuns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bunch of arms come out of it and grab him. You like Funyuns? No. Really? I had Funyuns, the last time I had them was in 1995. Okay. So I don't know if I like them or not,

but I really didn't like them then. You should give Fun give onions another go. Yeah. You're an onion man. Oh yeah, I just made a dish with onions for dinner tonight. Yeah, of course. Every dish has onions in it, doesn't it? Not every dish.

Onions and garlic, yes, of course it does. Anyway, these hands are choking him, and I loved it. Love, love, loved it. I love the idea of a bag that couldn't fit any humans having a bunch of humans inside of it. Absolutely. And then you think he's dead, he's not dead. He's just incapacitated.

And for some reason there's a shard of glass on the hole that has cut him. Right. And has like also infected him with demon business. Right. Yeah, yeah. But the demon hands are his hands. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Is this where the latte's dad comes in? Because they get into a fist fight, don't they? Is that where this is? So she sneaks back out. Yeah, she's sneaking out again, and he sees her. And how old is she?

Is she really out partying and also skulking around in what appear to be sewers? Yeah. Okay. All right, all right. Girl, you smell like a sewer. Yeah, I do. I'm at the club, the club. Can't get these hands clean, son.

Mm-hmm. Uh. Greatest love song ever written. Oh, back that ass up. Did I tell you to watch the clips? You did, and I have not yet. Oh my god, it's so good. We didn't think this desk would be this tiny.

It's one of the things that's said. That's very good. Sir, it's literally called a tiny desk concert. It's called a tiny desk concert. Also, did you not watch any of them beforehand? It's the same desk in every one, isn't it? Oh, I think they were just having fun. I think they were just out there having fun.

Jokes and japs. Pusha T was just making japs and jokes. Like you do. So yeah, he sees, I was just sneaking out and he's like kind of lechin' on her. And then dad comes down and they get into a fist fight. It's so awkward. It's still his first day of work.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, or maybe he's been there for six months. Could be. No one knows. No one can say. So, so the father is followed, followed her. They get into a fight. He knocks dad the fuck out into the sewer water. Yes, he does. And then leaves him there. Just leaves him. Yeah. What is happening?

There's like a dream sequence of a watch falling off to clocks ticking. Then like someone lowering their face into the holy water font. I just... Is this when Lisa is in bed reading Fuccinelli? Yeah, I think you're right. The Frenchman Fuccinelli? He goes to a diner or something to call her on the phone, but is having some sort of seizure that no one else sees.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hands are all possessed like Devonsawa. You know what I'm talking about? Idle hands? Yes, of course I do. The Seth Green vehicle. I have an ode here that says, "'He pulls out his own heart that is wild

"'and I am filled with joy.' "'And then in all caps, I am filled with joy.' I needed this. Where? I thought you might. I thought you might. I did, I needed it. He pulls his heart out from about his intestine,

which is not where it's supposed to be. I keep my, I mean, I keep my heart just above my uterus. He does too. Then I just wrote, I hope he isn't driving that fast with his heart in his lap. Oh, he put it in a blender. Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion rendezvous. And then I'm through with you. I saw that band.

Remember when that guy was real popular on Twitter for like three weeks and then just gone again. Oh my God. Yeah. Good for him. Get your 15 minutes twice. So Lisa's up. She's awake.

Someone's outside her window while she's trying to enjoy a little antipasti. What does she do as soon as she wakes up? Gets a tray full of snacks? I mean, she's got like cheese and crackers and some sort of spread. I cannot fucking blame her. She fucking rules. I want that for my snack.

She hears a noise outside and is like, huh, I'm gonna keep eating this shit. Looks good. I wrote, broke the window or no? It's a Goatman outside. Is it a Goatman? Yeah, it's a devil. Okay, okay, okay. Now they broke the window. She calls 911 or 999 or whatever they call them

Italy or Hungary. She calls the cops. We'll assume they're Italian because of what cop shows up. What cop shows up? She bites him. She buys him a Kelly's wapping. She's screaming for help to the emergency responder. Just like yell an address. It doesn't matter. They find her. As soon as she runs out her house, the cops are there. She lives in the fucking woods. She jumps through the window. She doesn't run out of her house. She jumps right through the fucking window to which I wrote. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

She defenestrates herself. Yeah. Oh man. So good. I just have written here, what happened to you dog? You look bad. Oh, this is for dad. Oh, dad looks bad.

Yeah. Cause dad is now sweating blood much like Evan was earlier. Right. And he, is this where he confronts, uh, Aja and, uh, he turns into like a little Bosch painting bird man. Like she sees him in the mirror and she's like, you're a Bosch painting bird man. Yeah, that might be. And then I was like, Oh, that actor kind of does look like that.

We're now introduced to a B plot, the wedding dress shoot. Why is this happening? Cause you gotta get more bodies in this church girl. I guess so. It just makes perfect sense. Nothing to the plot at all, but there is a model who is being shot in like wedding. There's actually a bunch of models in wedding dresses,

but there's one main one. Yeah, she's got the best smile. The best smile and the best wedding dress, presumably. Yeah, and the groomsman. Yeah, that groom, I didn't understand what happened to him. His face got touched. Oh, okay. You know these movies love touching faces.

Face touching. Yeah, like, oh fuck, what's that? Is it Greta, Greta? The woman who gets her face touched in Demons and it turns her into a demon, she cuts her face on the mask when she like puts it on the lobby. I don't remember anything that movie. Every time I bring up something, you're like, I'm always like, is that the dirt bikes? It is the dirt bikes.

That's all I've got. I'm a Shetty on a dirt bike, perhaps Katana Katana. Much better. Much better. What about a helicopter falling through a movie theater ceiling? That's something I need to revisit. Wait, is that full G or is that our ceiling? Okay, that's something I need to revisit. Yeah. Wait, is that Fulci or is that Argento? No, that's Lumberto Bava. Lumberto Bava.

Who was originally working on this movie and then Argento was like, nobody wants Demon's Three and he was like, oh man. Oh, went home. And exit one Lumberto Bava. Are Lumberto Bava and Mario Bava related? He is Mario's son.

Yeah. Okay. I just watched a Mario Baba movie on my own time recently. What did you watch? Ah, fuck. I don't know. Look at your shutter history. What was it? I don't think I finished it. Okay.

Yeah. Was it a, what's the one that a Friday the 13th is based off of was like a slasher movie. Yeah. Hold on. I'm going to tell you in a second. I don't think we Friday the 13th is based off of? Was it like a slasher movie? Yeah, hold on, I'm gonna tell you in a second. I don't think, wait, Friday the 13th was based on? Yeah, it's like one of those loosely based things. Evil Eye is what I watched. Oh, okay, no, that's not the same thing.

No. I think that one's called Blood Bay or Bay of Blood. Ooh, very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Evil Eye. Yeah. It was fine. Yeah.

I don't think I finished it. He makes a good movie. That one about vampires in space, that one's real good. What is that? There's like, I can't remember that name. There's like these space vampires. We need to go hard on the, we maybe do need to just do Italian movies for a while.

Maybe we'll just do it for the rest of the year. Yeah. I would not be mad at that at all. We'll lose a lot of listeners, but fuck them. No, they'll stick around. They love us. They love us. I think they love only a little bit of listeners, but fuck them. No, they'll stick around. They love us.

They love us. Only a little bit of us, you know. They were probably like waiting for the Sinners episode. You got to keep them wanting more. Yeah, I guess so. Right? I don't know, that's how it works these days. Oh. So Lisa comes back into work.

Yeah. And Evan is there having his all work and no play, make Jack a dull boy moment Yeah, he's got his back to her clacking away at a typewriter She touches him yeah, and you think he's gonna turn around and be like a fucked-up face But he turns around it's just him no and if anything his hair has gotten like more tame as he's become a demon It's weird. I like it. Yeah. Yeah, So he proceeds to sexually assault her. Uh-huh.

And then he menaces 14-year-old Asia Argento. To this movie's credit, even though this is like the fifth time I've watched this. You just see the look I'm giving Alan right now. They can feel it. Yeah. I was like, oh, I can't remember if she's into it or not. I hope she's not into it.

No. I hope she's not into it, but she wasn't. But like it could have broken bad. It could have broken bad. It could have broken bad in a number of ways and I guess doesn't, but also like, I just think about her dad being on set and being like, yes, menace her, you know? She's a child.

Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, McKaylee. Have you thought about shoving her face through a pane of glass? She's 14, brah. What about shooting her in the eyeball, huh? You ever think about shooting her in the eyeball, huh? You ever think about shooting her in the eyeball? Now we have a C plot.

It's children touring the church. We haven't even gotten to the D plot. What's that? A couple of motorcycle riding people that are breaking up. Why are they there? Because the motorcycle is broken down and they can't go to the concert. The concert. But she wanted to the concert. The concert.

But she wanted to be there with Frank anyway. I know you called him from the mechanics. Lady, what are you doing? They're wearing matching pilot jumpsuits. Yes, later in the movie we see them jumping through tunnels and I was like, who the fuck are these people? They were early adopters of a adopters of parkour. Yeah there's one of these kids who's on the tour is being a real kiss ass he's like Miss Bruckner isn't it true that there's a secret spot you can press and that'll

bring the whole cathedral down? Yeah this is again female sexuality. Yeah. There's a secret spot you You have to push the button Whole cathedral Then we get the elderly couple Oh god comic relief of this film a thing happens later that makes me Beyond beyond happy. I look forward to discussing it with you It's just a little bit of like phone humor with the two of them, you know?

I think it's supposed to be a, um, like the, what are those tours called when you go to the museum and they give you like the little headset and you walk around? Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. And I think that's what that's supposed to be. Because it's only the earpiece. It doesn't have a full receiver. Gotcha.

I can't hear a goddamn thing on this goddamn thing. You're deaf. Yeah. What is the phrase she gets? Oh, groovy. She keeps saying everything's groovy. They're going to go up and ring the bells because it's going to be groovy. Oh my God. 1989. I love it so much. Evan's typing a lot of sixes after he peeps on Aja. I think this scene, this sort of like the tension building here where he keeps hitting the six key over and over and it's getting like louder and louder is pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Again, there's a couple really cool things in this movie. His bangs are really something else though. Now they're pulled straight down in front of his face and they come to below his chin and I find this very, very, very, very upsetting. I've recently had to cut my hair because it was heading in that direction. Oh yeah? Bangs.

Bangs baby. Um, so, uh, I just have notes like now he's being weird. Yeah, like now, so Aja Argento gets away from bangs, but then her dad starts beating her, and just like, I thought about Dario on set, who also wrote this movie, writing for the lines, writing lines for her like, no daddy, please, no, don't hurt me.

Like, come on. She wants to be an actor, he's gotta give her stuff to work with. I guess so. And the only thing female actors can do is be menaced by men. So this is when she sees him as a little bird boy demon. This is it. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We, we cut back to- He's a little Bosch demon. Cute. Cute. He's not cute. We keep cutting. We cut back to, um, Father Gus, who I kept for getting existed,

but he's got his collar undone like he's doing a sexy priest photo shoot. We cut back to Father Gus, who I kept for getting existed, but he's got his collar undone like he's doing a Sexy Priest photo shoot. Did you know that my nana used to keep Sexy Priest calendars in her home? What? Yeah, dude. Just like good looking priests and like black and white photos.

It's true, true story. They don't just have like priest dickies so you can see their abs or anything. Oh no, it's classy. It's classy. That's hilarious. Yeah. She was a horn dog. So, okay. You did Catholic shit. Yeah. Do you confessional have little red lights on that lets people know that there's somebody in there? I think some do, but also it's meant to be anonymous. So when he's like, Hey,

it's you, isn't it? Sacristan? Isn't your name Herman? Like you shouldn't say that. It's also you've been working here long enough. You should know Herman's name, doc. He does know Herman's name, but Herman says I'm not the Sacristan anymore. I want to kill and destroy, which then got a descendant song stuck in my head. I'm a boy and not a toy I will Don't forget it. I usually have make the most of my butt toast enjoy my good friend and joy stuck in my head I know this song about farting farting. Yeah So yeah, he says he's he's now an angel of evil

He runs out of the confessional and a little boy goes he scratched me as he went by yeah Yeah, I think he scratches the bridegroom at this point. Is that how he, okay, okay, okay, okay. And so, but he runs to the basement and what does he do in the basement, Katie? He jackhammers into himself, yowza. So meaty fleshy. So good.

Yeah. And him jackhammering into himself. Yeah, but he's not really, right? No, he is. Okay. Yeah. But the jackhammer is also hitting the wall. Yeah. And in hitting the wall,

it breaks this little glass goblet thing that fills with blood. Yes. And then starts a Rube Goldberg device. Yes. That is going to now close all the doors in the church and pulling the veil and train of the bride into them. Imagine a door closing and not being like, let me get out of the way.

I'll just wait. Maybe it'll stop. But I love it. I love it. We see all these like little cogs going. It's very cool. We see the bishop talking to Father Gus. Yeah. And they're looking at something that has Latin written on it. And the bishop is like, oh, fucking course, I have to read this to you, because you don't read Latin.

This is great, though, because the bishop is staring at a sign in Latin. And then it just flips over, and staring at a sign in Latin and then like it just it flips over and it has a bunch of Latin texts and he's like oh boy. Fuck. Like he was waiting for this to oh this is gonna be so good. Oh here we are. And the old grandma lady the comic relief is like shouldn't we be calling the fire brigade

and it's like yes calling the fire brigade is actually a great idea to get these doors down. They don't. At no point does anyone do that. The phone is out because the squirrely reference tries to call somebody and it won't. And there's also a child smoking, right? Yeah, it's Italy in the 80s. Okay.

Does he have anything to do with anything or is he just smoking? A smoking child. No. I wondered something because there are a lot of cigarettes off screen. We see cigarettes smoke. We never see anyone like for the most part don't see anybody smoking. Actually puffing. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, did they edit this? I don't know.

Yeah. So the bride is stuck in the door basically like with her back against the doors. Yeah. Getting sweaty. The groom is just writhing on it. Yeah. Why isn't anyone stopping him? Sometimes you gotta fuck a door open, Katie. I guess so. I just wrote, who is the child? Who is that lady? What is happening?

The groom goes to wash his face off. Yeah, for the holy water. Yeah, gets a like fucking bottom of the ocean fish jumps out. A fish man jumps out and I don't know what to say. I loved it. Yeah, it was great. And then of course it was just him.

It was his imagination. Yeah, there is no fish man. Yeah. But then the painting loses pigment that Lisa's been working on. Okay. Like the Bosch painting is now coming to life. Right. But it really doesn't. No, no, no, no. Um, we also see Lisa smooching a fountain at this point.

Yes. Yeah. Why? I don't know. I just have written here, wait, is that the period, period, period? Nah, forget it. So we get this scene where the biker lady has gone off and stripped off all of her clothes. Yeah. We see her like jumpsuit on the floor as the boyfriend is looking for her. She has left her jumpsuit splayed on the floor.

And then we like pan up from her clothes to a giant python. And then there is a set of goggles that say Frank on them. And then she's being hugged by Evan, who's a giant demon with giant demon wings. Yeah, she's making out with a winged Evan. Yeah, he's rubbing her butt. And her boyfriend just goes, where the fuck have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere.

And then she's not, she's back in her clothes just talking to him. Yeah, why? I don't know. Okay, why would they be, why would he be hallucinating? I don't know. Okay.

And then the sacrosanct, or sacra, whatever, kills the teacher. Right, the soft parts with like a wrought iron fence? Yeah, yeah. Where'd that come from? It was around the statues where the bishop was playing, pretending to be a statue earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then cut to a kid laying in a pew playing a trumpet. What is going on anymore? And then the next pew is the kid who got scratched earlier and he goes, it's like a contagious disease. And I got it. Yeah. All right. So a little bit of demons was hung around.

Will you watch over me? He says to his friend. Well, this is something I wanted to talk about with you. Yeah. Because I wanted to figure out when we're going to do this to see if we are truly best friends or not. Okay, let's find out. One of us has to go to sleep

and look in the other one's face and if they're truly your best friend, they will have your face. Once I ate too many mushrooms and looked at my roommate's face and I was sure it was my face. I couldn't tell if it were her eyes or my eyes. Hold on, first of all, Rollins quote. Second, and then the monkey's eyes become your eyes. Thank you for clarifying.

You were confused. I wanted to make sure you understood the Rollins quote. And so you've seen your own face. This thing that you've been talking about for years. No, I recognize now that it was Kaysen's. It wasn't mine. It was hers. But by the logic of this movie, she might be your truest best friend.

Okay. Sorry, dude. If you looked into her while she was sleeping. If I look at you while you're sleeping and I see you're my face, I'm gonna be real upset. I don't want you to have my face, it's mine. Do me a favor, don't watch me while I'm sleeping.

Why not? You can't stop me. Shouldn't have given me a key to your fucking house. I like that you gave me a key to poop so that I could come in and poop. And I use it to watch you while you sleep. I feel like I give keys to people just for the inevitability of when I lock myself

out of the house. I'm like, hey, can you just go? Just call me. But I should say that I also really like the look of the Evan demon rubbing the girl's butt. I thought it looked really cool. The Frank goggles were very silly. I thought it was funny. Yeah.

If you're truly best friend, you'll see your best friends, your face and your best friends. He does too, which is really sad. your best friends, your face and your best friends. He does too, which is really sad. So then while this like really sad things happening, we had to get the old couple and the ladies like, we got to go ring that bell. It'll be groovy. Is she drunk? I think so. Okay, good. Good for her. So they have to climb all these stairs. Yeah, they're climbing the stairs. And this is cut with the bishop talking to Father Gus about basically the plot of the movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally could not make heads or tails of it. He's doing a big info dump. He is too, but he's making Father Gus ask him everything. Just tell him everything you know. Don't make him ask. And this is also cut with Aja at the clurb. Yeah, she's at the clurb.

Yeah. At the teen clurb, because they all seem to be teens dancing at the teen clurb. She's like, Simon, you have to take me home. And he goes, no way, dude. I'm dancing. Yeah, he's dancing. He came to dance.

She can get herself home. Got herself there, didn't she? Yeah, she did. She did. Somehow the bishop gets impaled, and he makes a weird little scream. Yeah, he falls off the side of the church. Does he fall or jump?

Uh, yes. Yeah, okay. Because it's raining real hard and he tells Gus that the secret is in the mouth of the architect. Right. How did he know that? Was it in the Latin? Because it turns out that that picture that he had been jerking off to you this whole

time was the architect strapped down to the cogs as we see later. Yeah. It's a cool torture device when we see it. Yeah. And I like that it's part of the whole thing that will set off the church collapsing. The button. It's the clit. It's the clit.

Yeah. A myth. The mythological clit. Women don't orgasm. They shouldn't at the very least. Are you going to take everything from us now? Jobs, orgasms. What's next?

Check me out on- Leaving your socks on the floor. Check me out on Joe Rogan. Have you ever seen any of those, the like funny things of like, I don't know, there'll be like TikToks of a woman just being like, I'm gonna be my boyfriend for a day and just like walking into her room,

throwing her clothes across the room. And there was one where she like is brushing her teeth and just spits toothpaste all over the mirror. And I was like, this is kind of true. Yeah, that's very funny. Oh, why are men? So the concert teams are army crawling around. I don't know what they're doing.

I guess they're looking for an exit. Yeah, yeah, they're still. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck's happening. In order to find this exit, they begin chiseling the floor. Yeah, as you do. No, no. Because he hears that the floor's hollow or something. So he's like, cause there's been a whole conversation

about how the church only has one exit. Right. I feel like they refer to it as like a mono exit church. Yeah, they have a word for it. He seems very vacant. Does Bruno? I think his name is Bruno. Yeah. He seems very vacant. Yeah. That's all. They're chiseling the floor. All of a sudden she sees lights and then a subway train pushes her. She falls into the hole in the floor when the hole opens up.

A subway train pushes her? Yeah, like a garbage pile can't fucking rolls. Why does that happen? Cause she falls into a subway tunnel. But aren't they already in the basement? How many basements are there? Katie. What?

It looked like a jello mold hit the windshield. It was so glorious. It really did. It was really, it was really ground beefy. Yeah. So much. Oh my God. And that's it. That's it for her. That's it. And I think that's it for him too. Yeah.

Yeah. He's not coming back from that. I mean, they don't really address anybody in this, you know, anybody's outcomes. Would you like to hear my grossest note? Yeah. A nun portrait cries pre-com and it makes the model scratch your face off. Yeah. So the model is in a room with Lisa and she's like, I can't stand being without a mirror.

I need to see myself. It's like, well, there's one. Yeah. She goes, that's not me. That's an old lady and scratches her face. And for some reason, Lisa's nude. Yeah. an old lady and scratches her face. And for some reason, Lisa's nude. Yeah, she's naked in the basement and everybody's there. He's painting her, but his eye is so wonky,

it's all I can look at. But it's like, guys, we all know that Rosemary's Baby exists. Yeah, don't do this. It's 1989. So the reason the church is so burned into my brain other than it's a fantastic film is in 1989, I got a copy of Gorzone magazine because I couldn't see a lot of horror movies

because they were hard to rent sometimes. And like there was nowhere to watch them on like terrestrial television or whatever. Like these like Italian wild ass movies. And I remember there was the scene of the devil fucking Lisa was like a full page spread. Oh God. Yeah, but it's a cool looking devil.

It is a cool looking devil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa lays down nude is a new way. Yep, she sure does. Gotta get some more tits in this movie. We gotta get our act three tits.

I'm convinced those aren't Lisa's tits. I think she had a model or a- Oh, a body double. Yeah, body double. Interesting. I was gonna say substitute, but I knew that was wrong. That's not the right word. I'm gonna need the tit substitute.

Tit substitute. What was it? Suspensitory? Suspensitory. Titstitute. Suspensitory. At this point, Father Gus says, I don't understand. And I wrote, I don't understand either my guy.

I really do. I genuinely don't understand. There's nothing to understand. I mean, I understand that there were some peasants who were murdered and thrown in a pit and then a church was built over them and they come back for revenge. But where'd the devil get there?

I think they were, they were indeed devil worshipers. Okay. So when they're unleashed, the devil is unleashed. Exactly. All right. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no, it all comes together. Sure. Sure. Sure. Yes. Cause father Gus finds a picture book all about the cold open to the movie. Yes. And latte knows all about it too. Why does latte have this knowledge? Because she realizes that she's the basket face from the beginning of the movie. But how is she the basket face? God damn it. Here's where we see the architect being tortured. Yeah.

He's wearing a whole first sweater. He's so furry. His chest hair is so long. I kept waiting for him to be someone we had met earlier in the movie and I was like, no, he's just the architect. Yeah. Yeah. So he's being tortured and strung up on these like cogs and whistles and stuff.

It seems very hot. He's very sweaty. Yeah. It reminds me of the Satan is good, Satan is fun scene from the burbs where he's like being barbecued or whatever. Yes. And then they use like a brand kind of thing to seal his mouth shut. Oh, it looks, it's like a wild ass butt plug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like as you turn it, it gets bigger. So like it's like opening his jaw.

Like a corkscrew of butt plugs. Don't use a corkscrew as a butt plug. Public services. That's just, I feel like you should know that at this age. But did you like the idea of sealing a secret in someone's mouth? Yeah, it's cool. Yeah. Um, father Gus tells the kid she's on her own. Yeah. After she had just seen her parents watching Satan rape somebody. Yeah. Like this is some therapy that this she needs help. Yeah. Um, father Gus doesn't read Latin, so he just punches the,

the like tablet that has it all on it. Yeah. That's how you get the words off. I guess so. The statues start moving. Yeah. Cause he pulls the butt plug out of the guy's mouth. Yeah. And that triggers then the collapse of the church. And the bodies sort of rise up out of the pumpkin patch, like the great pumpkin, if they were covered in wet pottery clay.

I like it. I like the way it looks. I like that there's like, everybody's got their arms up at the top, so they're sort of making a goat's head. Yeah, it's pretty cool. You're right, it is cool. I assume they got some dancers to do it.

It feels very dancer. It's graceful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a second, I thought you said it's disgraceful. Nah. It's disgraceful said it's disgraceful. It's disgraceful. We are now in modern modern day, which people are going through a fucking tour of this.

We're told that it presents a constant danger to the city. I was like, Oh, like sinkholes in Pittsburgh. There are so many right now. Oh my God. One just opened up like down the block for me and I'm concerned. If I fall into a sinkhole, I will be upset. So mad. So mad. So yeah, there, oh yeah.

When the church falls down, we see everybody inside of it. And we see some old lady who's been praying gets squished and it's very funny. Yeah, sure. Take her out. Latte lives. Yeah. She's a funny. Yeah, sure. Take her out. Latte lives. Yeah. She's a street urchin?

Maybe. Okay. She might have a job. She leaves flowers for her parents. I heard your folks sucked. Yeah. Yeah. And then she finds the stone with seven eyes and opens it up.

And she hears hooves. And then she looks fearful. And then. And then she looks knowing. Yeah. What does she know then she looks knowing. Yeah. What does she know? She's eternal. Oh.

She's the devil. Is she? I don't know. What? Okay. My last note was, she happy. I don't get it. No, no, God, no.

No, no, there is nothing to get, I don't think. Okay, good. Yeah. Well, I certainly needed it. I'm glad, I'm glad that the church could give that to you. Yeah. They are, you know, the Italians, they deliver. I feel like the church owes me something, you know?

Do you think this movie was made by the church, church for the church? Uh, no. Why else would it be called that? No, maybe you're right. Yeah, maybe you're right. Well anyway, it's not as good as sinners, but I couldn't do it, so here we are.

Katie. Alan. Can I read a message that we got? No, because we have to read this, bitch. Oh, right, sorry. Did you seriously forget I'm gone three weeks? This is what you do. Yes.

Jesus. Jesus. Oh, what you do. Jesus. Jesus. Oh, what did you go first? Okay, there's a line that I really love in Spinal Tap where Christopher Guest's character says, it's a fine line between clever and stupid. Yeah, yeah. This movie reminds me that there's a fine line between like absolute shit and fucking

genius and this movie's straddling it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is neither. I'm going to give it a seven and a half. What about you? Solid eight for me. Yeah. I think this movie is a nothing but dumb joy and it's super stupid and but it's like.

It's stupid and brutal. But it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You wanted to see a fucking wild ass horror movie you're welcome here it is we've made it for you at some point there will be a muddy but a buddy pile that will come up out of the ground so muddy buddy pile enjoy yourself is it an orgy i don't know who knows no it's just a death just a death uh all right so now i'm going to read a message that we got from a listener. And there will be a picture involved. Oh, okay.

Hi, Mrs. Werewolf and Mr. Ambulance. Hello. I just wanted to say thanks to you guys for the best new addition to my wardrobe. My partner and I, pictured below, love your show and binge it on long drives. We live in Texas, so there are a lot of long drives. Oh, it's far from everything, huh?

Yeah. Your show has been the perfect entrance into horror movies for her, and I appreciate you guys for that. Also, your joy is infectious, and in these bleak times, it is really helping me keep my chin up. I'm happy to hear that. Thanks for everything. You do. Get high, do crimes for Satan. Cheers, Andy and Alex. I can't wait to see. And booyah. Oh my God, they're so cute.

Matching, get high and do crimes for Satan. They are so cute, they got the tank tops like you. Tank tops, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aw, guys. They wanna be just like me. You guys are so cute. Thank you for sending that in. Thank you for buying the t-shirts. Thank you for Tank tops, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aw, guys. They want to be just like me. You guys are so cute. Thank you for sending that in. Thank you for buying the t-shirts. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for the kind words. And don't say thank you for all you do, because we haven't done much lately. Oh, come on. OK, now. Come with it now. We've given them 10 years of enjoyment. It's true.

Fuck you guys, then. No. No? Hey, look, it's one. I love you where I hate you. You know my girl Katie, no middle ground? No, no, it's a hole in one because of my cloaca. Doesn't even make sense.

Hole in one lady, one hole in a lady. Oh, they're perfect. That's my first, that's going to be my solo album. Say it again. I don't know what I said. Monkey's eyes are your eyes. Yeah. What does that mean, Henry? Say it again. I don't know what I said. I got it. The monkey's eyes are your eyes.

Yeah. Oh. What does that mean, Henry? Oh, that you're the monkey that's on your back. You are the addiction. Oh. You know, it's all your fault. Check's out.

He's part of that real like bootstrapper hardcore mentality. Oh yeah, oh yeah. Oh, Katie. Alan. I believe we had yeah. Katie. Alan. I believe we had picked another movie. I believe we did too and I believe I wrote it down but my phone's locked now. Oh.

It's next to me here so I can't see it. Would you like me to read the note that I have for you? Sure, what are we doing next week? Burial Ground. Burial Ground. As I said to Katie, it's kind of like a horror movie and soft core porn. She was like, all right.

I don't care. Who do I have to lose? There's so much to talk about in this fucking nonsense. OK. Italian zombie movie. I love that we're just going in on it. We're going in on it for a little while. We're going to be here for a little while.

So sit tight. Yeah. Yeah. Love it or leave it. Yeah. Thanks so much. We've got like a big, since we were off for a couple weeks, bunch of people have been joining the Patreon.

Really? To get that taste in their mouth. I assumed we would lose people. I assumed we would lose people on the Patreon. Oh my God. We have built a beautiful and dedicated and delightful fan page. We sure have.

What's wrong with you people? You should be mad at us. You should be resentful. I'm resentful. We've gotten so many nice messages. Thank you to everyone who sent the niceful. We've gotten so many nice messages. Thank you to everyone who sent the nice messages. I know, so many nice messages. Thank you guys.

It's been a really shit. Time. Time. It's going to say year. But it's only seven months into it. Fuck. I have really had a shitty 2025. Yeah man, I'm sorry.

That's all right. We'll be all right. We all we abide. Yeah, we will. We will be all right. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't suck where you're going through it. Yeah. Thank you. Um, on that note, comedy. Yeah. So come back for some real sleazy horror movie for me. Yeah, let's get some sleaze. Yeah, we haven't been sleazy in a minute. I can't wait to be sleazy. Yeah. All right. Maybe I'll explain to you what Superman that home in. Please don't. I'm sorry. Many acts in undead pools, civilian sightings and the pool

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