Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 546- The Devil's Rain (1975)

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

In this week's episode, we are taking a break from all of the hype and drama of new horror cinema with the 1975 star-studded film, "The Devil's Rain." Special topics for your consideration include: having only two paces to your movie and having them both be unbearable, leaving your servant to die, butthole eyes, and an incredible transformation. And weirdly, a baby John Travolta? This movie is batshit insane and for some reason made me think of Episode 370- "Burnt Offerings." You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes and bonus, our third podcast, "Nice One, Mate!" Episode 4 drops soon! Get in now to vote for our next movie. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

Katie. I'd like to welcome you back to our new podcast. It's called Kirkanoff. Kirkanoff. And it's where we do the Oove of William Shatner outside of Star Trek. Okay. Kirkanoff. I think we could monetize this.

Of course. Somebody's Shatner. They're called Shatheads. No, my aunt's a big shathead. Vicki's mom. Really? Yeah, you wouldn't expect it. Is she a bit of a Trekkie?

Not really. No, just a fan of his oom. I love his sci-fi novels. I love that he went to space and got really, really sad. Just on Christmas Eve, she was like, what about William Shatner, huh? He's still out there doing it. Because of a smoke show.

All right. I would. You should know that I also wrote down that Kirkanoff bit. I've thought of it on the drive home and I was like, oh, I got to write this stuff right. I got to pull over. What an idiot. So William Shatner is in this film, along with Tom Scarritt,

Yeah. Who is, excuse me for saying this hot. Young Tom's carrot, total smoke show. Even with the cop mustache. Yeah. Especially with. Yeah. Actually, yeah.

We call it a clit duster in this. Oh, Alan, don't ever put clit in finger quotes again. I know you're a married man now, so you'll never find it again. Find what? It's not real. It's a myth. It's a myth. It's a myth, just like butterflies.

Oh, and I did get a verification from. Justin Gray that my Tom Scarrot memory of Justin Gray meeting tough Garrett was indeed true. Oh, really? And he's still lamenting the fact that he did not ask him about working with five-ish Finkel. Who? Yeah, exactly.

Okay. It's a fellow cast member from Bigot Fences. Oh, okay, okay. Well, I'm happy that it was true. That makes me feel better about like all the things you tell me that I just believe. Everything I've ever said has been true. Everything. All of it.

Also, I mean, you can't forget, Keenan Wynn is in this movie, which wasn't even top bill. Is that the Green Acres guys? Guy? No, that's Eddie Albert. Eddie Albert. Keenan Wyn is the guy who plays the sheriff. Okay, who I kept him mixing up with the Green Acres guy?

Sure, sure. A white guy. A white guy with white hair? Yeah, yeah. Wearing like khaki. Kaki. Yeah. Keenan Winn is in a ton of mystery science theater movies.

Like, oh, fuck, what's the... I'm never going to remember the name of it. There's the one where they blow up a Star Wars sign. on the side of the road. Oh, I don't know. Laser blast. Laser blast.

Laser blast is a good one, actually. He's in that. I think he's also in, uh, uh, is it the Kronos horror? No, the,

um, the one where people are, uh, cloning themselves so that they can get their, harvest the organs from people. Oh, yeah. The clonist,

something. I'm not sure I finished that one. Oh, okay. I'll get back to it. Oh, yeah. Of course.

Of course. They're not going to make any more. So this is all I have. There's plenty. There's plenty. Yeah. I mean, I have all of them on an app. You got that app, the mystery science theater app?

I don't have that. Get the app. It's got all the classics on it. They're all free on use tubes. I don't like use tubes. Sure, get them ads. Yeah. Yeah.

And then it's just like, hi, would you like some right-wing propaganda with your mystery science theater? I mean, yeah, I'm married now. Yeah, that's right. You're a married man wearing a flannel shirt. Get this guy a gun. Anyway, we're talking about devil's rain.

Devil's rain. Oh, God. God in heaven, help me. me. This might not mean anything to you, but I kept singing devil's rain to the tune of chocolate rain. Do you remember chocolate rain? Chocolate rain.

Baby's born and died before the rain. Chocolate rain. No, I've never heard this far. It was Tavon. No. Shit. You're really pulling out the deep cuts tonight. Yeah, yeah.

I got to look up the, hold on one second. I got to look up chocolate rain. Boop, boop, boop doop. It was Tazond day. He was a big, it was like a big internet thing in the earth. early 2000, 2007, mid-2000s. And he would, like, he was this little dude, but he had this really deep voice. Okay.

And every time he would sing, he would sing a line and then turn away from the mic to breathe so that the mic didn't pick up in breathing. Wow. So the video is just going to be like, chocolate rain. It's like, it's really funny, but like earnest at the same time. Yeah, I believe in him. Yeah. Devils rain.

That's very good. This movie is so bold. Butthole. And by butthole, let me translate for all the listeners out there. She means amazing. I love the effects. The effects are fantastic. That's all.

There's nary a plot to this film. And also the like pace of it goes from like rapid fire exposition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To just an hour of somebody wandering around. It's a cannonball shot from a cannon at the beginning. You're like, holy shit. I was like, I can't keep up. And then the rest of it is just that cannibal sitting in a driveway.

Yeah, yeah. It opens on, the opening credits have a bunch of Hieronymous Bosch art. Sure. Which you love. Can't go wrong there. This is the longest opening credits of an hour and 25 minute movie there could ever be. It's a solid four. I pause it.

Four minutes. Padding to shit. That's too long. It's also back when they used to put the credits like everybody got credit at the beginning of the film. Yeah, that's true. But they put this at the end too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we come in on a rainstorm at the Preston Ranch.

Right. Where we see Idle Lapido, aka Mama Preston, is watching out the window and going, Oh, she's so mad about the rain. Oh, no. Her servant comes in. He's so old. John? Yeah.

John's not doing well. Okay. When later in the movie, they called, Corbus John? I was like, wait, is that? Wait, that wasn't Ernest Borgnine at the beginning. Why would they name them both John? You know, John.

Because he just disappears after Act 1. Servant John. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then Jonathan Corbus, of course, is in the rest of the film. It's very strange. Go on.

In the opening credits, do you see who was a satanic advisor to this film? Anton LeVay. Anton Zandor LeVay. Was he in the movie? Yeah, he's the guy in the gold helmet. Yeah, a little pervert. Anton LeVay. I'm pretty sure he's also the dude playing the organ

because he is an organ, or was an organ player. Yeah, rip him. Yeah. He used to play before silent movies and stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Anton Zandor LeVay. I just don't, I'm not down with the Satanism either, you know?

Sure, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I don't like the Church of Satan, the one, like, not the Satanic church, but the Church of Satan. Yeah. The one that's like, yeah, abortion is a religious right for us. So like that you have to keep it legal and all that stuff. Like I'm okay with that. But like, yeah.

The satanic church always just seemed like, uh-go's needing to fuck. So they made it like, what if it's sex magic though? Goth fuck scene. What if I got to touch your boobies to make Satan? And you're like, Anton LeVay, please don't. You're not. And he's like, ah. Ah.

Yeah. Anyway. I was thinking that like if me too had happened during like Anta Lave's time, he would have just exploded from all the accusations. Yeah. What if that, that should have been what could happen. Women could just blow men up with their minds. I think society would die out because you'd all be gone.

Just like every time a man pissed you off. Oh my God. Can you imagine? Yeah, I can't. We're awful. So the storm is going hard. there's no sign of dad. No.

Or Steve. I don't know who Steve. Steve's the dad. Okay. Because mom hears somebody come home and she's, Steve, mock. Steve, mock. It's mock. She says mock like a chicken, like a mid-Atlantic chicken.

Is she British? No, I think she's just old-timey rich. Okay. No, she was British. Is she, though? She was born in Hearnhill, Middle Sex, English. England. Yeah, yeah.

She went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. You can tell me this bitch isn't British? She died in Los Angeles. Yeah, they all do. All right, so she's British, but still, Malk is a weird thing to say. And he is here. This is Mock, who is William Shatner. Who's already combing it forward.

The hair's already going. And it's like, what? No, it's fine. He's in great shape, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Barrel-chested man. Yeah, until they carve that pentagram into it.

Love to see it. Then dad shows up. His faces made of rubber and his eyes are buttholes. That's what I have written here. His eyes are like buttholes with screen doors. Yeah. It's so good. Yeah, buttholes with screen doors.

Wow, why don't those exist? Just open your door and let your poop out. Isn't that what you kind of do anyway? Just like more effort to that. He's when straining through a screen. Oh, no, I forgot to open the door. Comes out like a pasta machine. Or like that Play-Doh barber shop.

Yes, exactly. All right, good. Before we meet that, there's a quick scene where Malk goes to the phone and he picks it up. And he's like, oh, it's still not working. Yes. Why does he take so long with this? That is Shatner. I guess you're right.

Did you ever watch the old Star Trek? I did not. Everything is delivered like this. Is it like putting weird pauses into things like Christopher Walker? Kind of? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's the chat. Yeah. That's what I always say. That's the Shatten all over stuff. Yeah. So what happens to Dad? He melts. He melts.

He melts after he demands the book. Also, I didn't think either of them were old enough to be Shatner's folks. No, I read, I think it was on IMDB that she was like 13 years older than him. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's not right. He's just a wee baby, though. So, yeah, right.

I have no idea how old he or Tom Scarrett are meant to be, but neither of them is right for this role. No. We learn from the melting dad that Corbus is waiting for the book. It belongs to him. Can I say something really gross? Of course. When dad has melted and the rain is like pelting down on the melted dad,

it looks like someone is blowing of Shamrock Shake through a straw through diarrhea. Oh, God. What a visual. It's just this like brown mud. Yeah. But then just like shamrock shake colored green look coming up around it. This movie had a high budget for green mule. Yeah.

Yeah. What if they all just bleed green muck? So one of them says it wasn't him. It was his face, his clothes. What does that mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Because mom's like, that was your father. And he goes, it wasn't dad. It was his face. he's close well that would be him then yeah I guess but if you mock my dream was a warning

they found us I don't know who says that but I have written under what are any of you fucking talking about that was mom who said that to Mark and Mark's like I gotta get my gun and I'm gonna go fuck this corbus guy up it's just this assumption that I know what the fuck is going on

you know I love a movie that just drops you in media res they hit the ground running I know you do because when this one later explains itself to you, you're like, what? Yeah. I mean, I'm like, what the whole time? Also, why would you name a demon corbus?

Or is he a man? He's not a man. But he's not. He's 300 years old. Yeah, but now he had demon. But I mean, demons were previously men. But like, if I was, if I were Katie my whole life, which I plan to be. And then one day I died, which I planned to do.

Which I planned to be. And I came back as a demon, which could happen. Yeah. I'm not sticking with Katie. You're sticking with Katie. No, I'm not. I'm going to be... Here we go. What's it going to be?

Demon Name Generator.com. Best ambassador. That's the best name. Here we go. Demon name generator? Yeah, dude. It's right here. I'm going to be Melgronik or Zougalark.

Zulakus. Zilmakus. If you've not had the Zougalark with the fatus down of the lab. Oh, God, I love Lebanese food. How do you pronounce an X in the middle of a word? Like a Z, probably.

Sanazach. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not going to be Katie. That's lame. I'm going to be mock. Malk. Anyway, Corbus is the worst name for a demon since Pizzuzoo.

They check under the secret brick. They find the secret book. Mom knew where it was. She knew where it was the whole time? And there's the amulet, which just seems. to be a circle with a cross in the middle of it. Yeah, he's going to shoot the devil while he's wearing an amulet of protection, which is fine, I guess.

So when he goes out to the truck to leave, or he goes out to the truck to inspect the truck where dad came from. Right. He finds a mom voodoo doll pin to the steering wheel. Yes. And here's mom a screaming on the inside. He takes his sweet time getting into the house. He does he meanders back to the house.

He's like, it's raining, so I have to run really delicately and slowly. He, like, looks at the house. He hears the scream. he hears the crashes. Do I need smokes? Do you go to the library? Do they pick up that book? My dry cleaning.

Motherfucker. So when he gets in, I mean, he's long enough that John is hung upside down, bleeding and babbling. And mulling. He's making like little kitten noises. Baby noises. And also we see William Shatner cut him down from his ankles. It's this implication that he was just holding him from falling on his head because he doesn't

fall. Yeah, Shatner's strong a shit, dude. My notes are just like, where's mom? Corbus? Well, where's the other guy? What does that mean? Where is what the other guy? And then I wrote, Jesus, Alan, this is getting right into it.

What is this? Don't worry. It'll slow down enough for you to pick up on what's going on. Yeah, I took a little napper. John says, and I quote, she's gone over the sun. Is that what he said? Yeah.

And then he just leaves John to presumably die there. Yeah. covered in blood. Tom, why don't you clean up this mess? I'm gonna peel out. No, no,

it sounds like you have an extreme head injury going on. Like, he says, they got no faces and then does like a little quivery lip flutter. But they do have faces.

They just don't, they just have bobble eyes. Yeah. Whatever. Oh my God. We see a family photo before he leaves the house. And this family

congruously heads William Shadner and Tom's kids as the children in it. Children. Oh, well, he's headed out to the desert home of Corbus, whomever, or whatever that is. And in the beautiful, like, New Mexico desertscape that he's driving through, there's still thunder noises going on, even though the rain has stopped a long time ago. It's sunny.

It's sunny desert sun. Yeah. And nothing is wet? No. The rain has not just ended. No, no. My next note says, and now I am bored, God damn it. I zoned out.

Was he just cruising around? And I think he was. He was just cruising around for a while. Yeah, you got to know that. In the 70s, they had all the time in the world. Yeah, it's true. They were like, yeah, why don't you watch us drive somewhere in real time? Not rushed by the modern horrors of life.

No. I feel like the modern movies they watch, they're like, hey, we have to go there. Okay, now that we're here. We have to do this thing. That's right. But how will we know they got there if we don't see them driving there? We just watched the final, Mission Impossible movie.

Why? Because Missy loves them. Oh. And a year ago, she watched all of them. I remember that now. Yeah. Yeah. And it is literally just a collection of scenes.

Yeah. There is no storyline whatsoever. It's just like in this and then that. There's a storyline. Tom Cruise is the Messiah. What? It's insane. He's saving you madden.

He's the only one who can do it. Gross. Yeah, it's really funny. Speaking of Scientology. This is the movie. You got Trevolts. This is the one where he learned about Scientology, right? Thanks to Julie.

Fucking Julie. Yeah, Julie, she had recently converted and brought him on board because he was not doing well. Great. Yeah. And I was blown away. I had no idea that his career, like, took off after he got into Scientology. Yeah, because that's how a lot of people are. That's the thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah. They're all, like, rich and famous and powerful and they can boost you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe we should join Scientology. Maybe. I'm not a big joiner. No, and I don't want to hang out with a bad.

Beck on accident or whatever. No, I don't want to hang out with Beck ever. I did like that there was a big old prop tumbleweed in this scene when he finally gets to the town that's like probably up to the size of my hips. It's massive. Have you ever seen tumbleweed in person? No, I don't even know what it really is. It's a plant that like dislodges itself from the ground and tumbles. Okay.

And they're really bizarre when you see them. Yeah? I saw them in the desert. Is it like a jagger bush? No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. So can one meet course? Orbis in the daytime, apparently you can.

Yeah, if you just go to Redstone and you try to get a drink of water out of the horse trough as you do. As one does. This movie doesn't let you know how far their house is from Redstone, but they go back and forth on a number of occasions.

Sometimes without a car. Here's Ernest Borgne. Yeah. Oh, fucking love them. Browls. I know. Like, you can trim them, dog. You're allowed to trim them. You're allowed to. I have to or else they like stick out over my process.

I have to. Look, we're all old. So he pretends not to know Mock when he first meets it. Yeah, he says he isn't Corbus. And then he is Corbus. But I figured Malk would know Corbus because everyone's been talking about Corbus like he's a former associate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Corbus is able to get the water going so that John can get a drink of water, or Mark can get a drink of water. And he's like, it's bitter. And he's like, yeah, but nothing beats the, quenches the thirst quite like it, huh? Weird. So weird.

And then he asked for the book. He's like, yo, you're going to give me that book? Why does he need the book? Because the book has all the names of the people who signed their souls over to Satan. Yeah, but he shouldn't. But he's like the arbiter. He has to like. I don't understand.

Oh, Satan stuff. Okay. I do like that in the 70s, like everyone was just down to fuck around with Satan. Yeah, Satan was like a like alcohol, like a tempting possibility. Yeah. Like the picture of Sammy Davis. Junior with Anton LeVay. Yeah.

What do you doing, buddy? So weird. Yeah. So he's like, yeah, why don't we have a faith off to see whose faith is stronger? And if he wins,

if Shatner wins, he gets to bring his mom and dad back? Yeah. They're dead. He doesn't know his mom's dead. I can't guess. But what happens if Corbus wins?

Fuck. I don't know. It's the book. Oh, the book. Yeah, I should have guessed that. I should have guessed that. Yeah. Then we cut to a pentagram altar, pretty round.

Yeah, yeah. I look that the, like, the goat's head is kind of cute. Yeah. Also, a lot of their paintings of Satan's head look like foxes, which I like a lot. Because I like foxes. There's one of them, like, why is there just a random pig's head on here? Yeah, they are not sure what animal Satan most looks like. There's, oh, sorry, go ahead.

No, go ahead. It was going to be a random tangent. there is a black mask going on at this time. I wondered if these people were just always in there. Do they have a set meeting time? Did it just happen to be when this guy shows up? Are these even people at this point? Or is this just the vessels of the possessed people that are in the devil's reign?

Because when all of them get shot and or pitchfork later on in the film, they bleed green mouk. Yeah. They're all just filled with shamrock shakes and a little bit of lipstick. So, like, who are they? What's going on? They're pilgrims, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right. Okay. So we get a guy playing the organ. Mark takes a seat amongst the cultist parishioners. Saying the Lord's prayer. But they're all like, Satan is good. Satan is your pal. If that's what their music was like, I might be in.

And then Ernest Borgneye comes up in the satanic regalia. He looks like he's, directing traffic at first. To hell. Yeah, traffic to hell. He started speaking. Would you say he's on the highway to hell? You can cut that.

Take a left on the highway. Yeah. Point that way. Flag her head. So he starts speaking satanic Latin. He's like, it's very silly. It's so silly. And then the Ernest Borgenau is like,

trying to invite Martin Fife. Martin Fife, yes. And he keeps saying, I am Mark, in the name of God, I am Mark Preston, to which Corbus says, in the name of Satan, Martin Fife come in here. Yeah. So does Mark Preston, I'm sorry, does Mok Preston know that he is actually Martin Fife? No. Okay.

I mean, you don't know who you were in a past life, you know? I know I was Cleopatra, but that's just because of my bangs. Pretty sure I was Joan of Arc. Oh, hell yeah. I bet I've been a redneck forever. You know what I mean? It's just always a fucking random redneck. Y'all going to them crusades.

Real good ideas out there. We see his mom. She's got the rubber face, butthole eyes. Buttholes with his green door, yeah. And he picks up his, pulls out his gun and shoots a dude. A dude. Probably John Travolta,

because he seems to be the only guy we see in like, face in their little costumes. He is full of icies. He's just blue and red icies. He literally just is a slushy machine. The snake, the amulet, I don't know. I don't know. So Mouc runs outside after he shoots the guy.

He drops his gun and he runs outside. And then Corbus and the, there's already called to us outside. Yes. And then Corbus follows him outside and does a little, how do you do, and turns his amulet into a snake so he throws the amulet on the ground. Right.

And then there's demon feet and rolling around and then some running. And then he runs to his car and he opens a door and John Travolta sitting in the driver's seat. Which is very fucking funny for some reason. And his reaction is,

you think you would have seen him. Also, get the fuck out of my car. Either get out of my car or steal it. You can't just sit here. Shit or get off the pot, John Travolta. He's got the Phillies logo on his car. It does. I thought it looked like

Planned Parenthood logo at first. Maybe you're right. It's a bit of a mix. What if a Phillies in Planned Parenthood finally teamed up? I think that would be a really nice thing to do. Yeah. Get in touch, Phillies. We're not Planned Parenthood.

We can't connect you. Call Cecile. We cut away from this and you realize there are other people in this movie doing other things. Yeah, yeah. Who's doing stuff? Who do we got doing stuff now? This is the Green Acres guy as a doctor.

he's got a lady on a table and he talks about her controlling her body through willpower alone but I mean like you can control a lot of your body with willpower alone or else we would all be shitting on the floor you know I'm willing myself to not just shit right now you know

As you get older gets a little harder to do Yeah well you know Willpower is diminished as you age But this is like he's doing like parapsychology stuff people are like, what about ESP? And he's like, oh, yeah, I can do that. And why? Who knows?

It has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. And someone's like, hey, does it hoit? Does it hoiter when she does that? Yeah. And Tom's character's like, no, dog, I wouldn't let my wife do it if it did. It's always someone's wife. Yeah. Yeah.

And then she has wife mares. Yeah. She's, she like starts reciting a story and then halfway through starts it over again. Yeah. Why did that happen? I don't know. It's just the end of the movie. She's just talking about the end of the movie.

Yeah, she sees the desert church in a, like, a trolley goblin or in his Borg name. I swear that church is the church from the November range video. Yes, the slash comes out of and then throws his guitar off a cliff. Does he throw his guitar off a cliff? Okay, great. There's like a beautiful Les Paul off a cliff. God, I fucking love that video for all I am worth. I remember being like, when I get married, I'm going to have the shortest wedding dress in the front and the longest in the bag.

Stephanie Seymour was so hot. So hot. His legs for days. Hey, I want people to kind of see my lips while I'm walking up to the... Yeah. To marry Axel Rose. Also, Assel Rose at that point in time, a beautiful fucking he... He's turned into like a grandma, as they all do.

I don't think I ever found Axelon as attractive. Oh, I think he's a really beautiful dude. Really? Interesting. So that's your taste. Sort of a young Axel Rose guy. A little young Axel Rose guy. I like that part where, um, who is it, Ricky? What's his face? I can't remember his name, but he was like a hanger on.

Ricky Rockman? Yeah, Ricky Rockman jumps through the wedding cake for no reason. Just because it's raining. You don't jump through someone's wedding cake. You got to. If you own the whiskey go-go on the sunset strip and we'll later host Headbanger's Ball, sometimes you got to jump through it. Yeah. I didn't remember that that was Ricky Rockman. I think I'm pretty sure it is. I could be wrong, but yeah. Oh, fantastic. That song actually rules. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That ostentatious period of Guns and Roses, like Civil War.

Let, let slash solo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let them write a 23-minute long song. Yeah, let them make a movie. Why should die? Oh, because it's hard to hold a candle in the cold of ember rain. Oh, yeah. Doy.

I'm such a fucking idiot. What if Guns and Roses songs meant to anything? There was subtext. Do you know what you are? Yeah, that song's smoked. That song fucking rules. So does Paradise City? Yeah.

The answer is had a lot of bangers. Let's not, let's be honest. The whole first album is fantastic. Okay, anyway, on to movies that are worse than the November rain video. Well, we've already got the ratings phase. Yeah. Worse than the November rain video. That's probably going to be it.

That's like most things. Most things. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That doesn't narrow it down. This is worse than Chinese democracy. Oof. So we see, the sheriff is here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom's carrot has gone, too, because he gets a note. He gets a note that says that his family is having issues. Do we see the note or does he just look at it and then? No, we never see the note because he just walks up to a screaming wife and goes, my family's in trouble. We got to go. I'm not worried about you having a possible psychotic break right now in front of Eddie

Albert. Yeah. We have to go. And apparently a live studio audience. Why are you doing this anyway, Julie? Also, did not dissuade that guy from thinking that it hurt. Yeah, true, true. Screaming.

So they meet up with the sheriff who just angrily points at the building and is like, that place is deserted. All right. We had so much rain last night. I got a bunch of people out here doing rain stuff and you want me to go look for your family. I'll look for your family later. I'm sure they're fine. They probably did rain stuff.

I've got a couple bodies. It might be them. It's true. say that. And then Tom Scarrett says to him, the answer is in Redstone. You know that. And I thought, but why would he know that? Why would he believe that? Later, he shows up with butthole eyes. So obviously. It's true. You're right. Who gives you the butthole eyes? Satan. So he's like, fine. I'll go myself. I do have a real cop mustache. And then the fucking

Kenan wins like, all right, well, if you're going to go, you're going to take snacks. You're going to have to take water. Yeah. Flashlight. Maps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple rubbers in case you guys get frisky on the way. Several knits for your wife to wear, all of which are clashing. 70s, baby. Seventies baby, clashing knits. Clashing knits and velour shirts.

Yeah. So unbreathable. Oh, God, yeah. Just put plastic on and go out of the house. Yeah. They meet up with John, not John Corbus, John the servant. Sure, yeah, they go to the house. And they're like, Dr. Richards is coming tomorrow.

You remember him? Who? We haven't met Dr. Richards. We did meet Dr. Richards. Who's Dr. Richards? He's Andy Albert. We met him at the meditation thing. The meditation thing.

Yeah, when she was laying on the table. Wait, that's the same guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Wait, why? He's like Tom Scarrett's mentor and best friend. Because he's experimenting on his wife? Yeah, that's what we called it.

All right. Okay, I think I'd put that together now. Because when he shows up later, I was like, who are you? Who's Sam? Anyway, they're on the front porch and they're poking at the melted dad or wax. Yeah, yeah. Because John's like, he was right here. That's where your dad melted.

She's like, it's just wax. No, that's your melted dad. It's your dad. Do we cut back to the church yet where John is, or Mark is being tortured? Yeah, they're right. This is it. They cut a pentagram into Shatner. Where is the book?

You gambled and you lost, you bastard. That means you shit himself. Yeah. Yep, thought it was a fart. Twasn't. So Corbus is like, oh, but we have this beautiful succubist that's going to come and make out with you. This is Lilith.

This is Lilith. And then who does Lilith turn into? Oh, I don't remember. His mom. His mom. When Lilith pulls away from kissing him, we see that it's his mother. And his reaction is like, well, would. Pretty all right.

Yeah, what are you going to do? Go back where I came from. Yeah, this movie, this is where I've noted that this movie has two speeds, which is wildly advancing the plot and then just staring into space. It's like it just shuts off at points. Yeah. So Tom Scarrid is here in Redstone and he sees the desert church and he's like, but he hasn't seen it.

His wife has seen it in her brain. He doesn't know what it is. When she says, I've seen churches like this in New England. This church doesn't belong here. And his response is, you know, no, no, I saw that from the other side of town. And I was like, yeah, that's weird, right? Shut up, woman. He basically yelled first.

He was the first internet role. Yeah. It's such a weird thing to do. And she's just like, okay, I'm going to ride your mustache. I just saw my notes for what he kisses his mom that says, Ahadi comes to tempt Mark. She kisses him.

It's his mom. Ha, ha, ha, ha, mom kiss her. That's a great insult. Mom kiss her. Oh, my God. I also have another that says, I hope the scalp that found this church or the prop team that made it a bump because it's really cool looking. It's great. It looks so good. Yeah. I'm looking up the November

Rain video church currently to see if it looks the same. So they go into the church after they see it. Yeah. And I'm not going to, I can't lie that those stained glasses are cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wouldn't want a cute Satan's stained class. I feel like you probably get one on Etsy. Apparently the November Rain video used a prop church originally from the movie Silverado. Oh. Oh. No. Not the same. Yeah. very similar styles though it is New Mexico what is that ship lath

that they got on there what did they got shiplath the fuck what I know that for the fuck what I know that for what's that? What's that? What the fuck would I know that for? You watch them home improvement shows

No I really don't I have so many other things I need to improve Halen my home cannot be one of them I am failing on all fronts So they go up They expect the cross that his brother was formally hung upon. Yes.

And it's covered in wax. Yes. And I was like, so is he waxed now? Do they wax his ass? They waxed his ass. And then they hear their car explode outside and have to run outside. I love the 1970s when actors just really hung out next to a burning car. Like this is not, they just set that motherfucker on fire.

At one point, the gas tank explodes and just shoots a ball of fire out. And they both jump back. You're like, well, yeah, you shouldn't have been there. And inside the church they had found a shirt that said Preston in blood on it. Like Satan was like, well, who's shirt was this? I don't even remember who shirt. This would be right that down. Why are we doing this, guys?

So a guy tries to run them over after their car explodes in Malk Preston's car. In the white station wagon. Yeah, yeah. But he immediately wrecks it. Yeah, he's a bad driver. It's a bad driver. Because he doesn't have eyes. No, his bowels.

I can't see through my behole either. Thank God. Can you imagine? Horror show. Horror show. Julie's mouth is always just slightly open as though she were a bit stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's all.

She's a very strikingly beautiful woman, though. Yeah. Real Axel Rose. So they follow this guy into the saloon. Uh-huh. And Tom runs upstairs and Julie just hangs out downstairs. Aimlessly roaming. You got to love it.

Aimlessly roaming the film. And the guy gets the jump on. Tom because he focuses on one. I love that Tom Scarrett's character is named Tom, by the way. Because I was just calling him Tom and then someone called him Tom. and I was like, oh, word, nice. That's right. He's really trying to open this one door and there's another door like right next to him.

And I was like, have you never played D&D, Tom Scarrett? What are we doing here? Tom Scarrett. Give it a go. So John Travolta comes out and beats his ass. Oh, okay. Yeah. I am so disinterested in this book, you know. In the book, the Corbus book?

Yeah. Or the book that is this movie, the novel that you feel like you're reading? of this film. No, the book. I'm so disinterested in the plot of this film, I should say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Tom eventually subdues the Troultta butthole eye man. Yes.

And Julie's like, let me gaze into your double buttholes and see what I can see because I have the ESP. Right. And what she sees is New England in the 1600s. Yeah, they're pilgrims, bra. They're fucking pilgrims. We see that Martin. Fife is indeed William Shatner with an even worse way gone.

Yes, he looks way worse. And then they're having like a Satan meeting and there's a knock at the door. And someone asks him where his wife Aranesa is, as though that's a name. Because she's not there. She's not there. So when there's a knock at the door, Corbus is like, hey, be cool. Hide the weed. Yeah.

The cops don't know what we're doing in here. Right. And he goes outside, he was like, forsooth, young man, why are we out so late this evening, Father Pryor-Pirr-Ber-Ber? And I'm out here to stomp evil or whatever the guy says back to him.

He slaps that lady and calls her a slut. Yeah, that's Aranesa, baby. That's Aranesa, she stole the book. That's my girl, Aranesa. Aranesa. Come on. It's going to come back around. It's going to be a popular name again.

2026 is the year of Aranesa. Does Satanists have holy water? I guess they're hiding the holy water. They give it to the little boy. To his emo child. It sends him right into the basement. Because he has the swoop. Yeah.

They have to, the mayor of the, I'm going to assume this is the mayor. He's like, I can save your souls, but I will ditch your fouled bodies. Yeah. All right. Yeah, because like, she's like, hey, you were supposed to save Martin Fife? And he's like, actually, I'm going to burn both of you. Whoops a doozy. Can I read you my next note?

Yeah. I'm looking forward to making dinner so I can stop watching this movie. How dare you? Yeah, I don't care. And then we get back to Julie and she's like, I think the cultists are here. Yeah. She gets into the car and her mother-in-law is in the backseat. I was like, fucking mother-in-law is always nebbing into your business.

But she caught, so Julie is driving away, leaving Tom to stay in the town to try to find his brother and his mother. Which he tells her to do. Yes. Because they're married. Right, and as you know now as a married man, that you get to tell your wife what to do. Exactly. Just so you guys aren't freaking out. Now that I am married, Missy is sitting in the room with us that I'm not alone in a room with Katie.

Absolutely. But Katie is still monitoring my pornography use on my phone. I mean, I just look at it. I'm not telling you it's too much or too weird. I'm just watching it. It's both. How many Cabbage Patch Kid Porns can you watch? How many Cabbage Patch kids fit in a dryer?

I mean. I love when that happens. There's 10 minutes of the cultists just marching William Shatner around. It's so fucking boring. They go to a beautiful outdoor ceremony for the Satanus. The greatest thing in cinematic history is about to happen. Where he makes this transformation into a trolley goblin. He looks great.

It's so good. he still has the eyebrows. Like, you cannot, I cannot fault this. I cannot find fault. And I think he's supposed to be a demon or saying? He's a devil. Yeah,

he's a devil. He's like, who summon me? Somebody stop me. And Anton LeVay is just like hanging out in the background with a gold helmet on it. Like, what a life, sir.

This is making a mockery of your shit, but all right. But his shit was a mind. Like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. But also, all the scars from the pentagram carved into Shatner's chest have healed, and I thought, that happened quick. Does Satan have healing powers? Just like Frankenstein. Yeah.

But I get the goat, the goat, the goat, man, is so good. I love him so much. Yeah, he's really quite great. He's talking about the holy waters of forgetfulness. I feel like that's something that's happening to me. Just getting older. Yeah. So they burn a little waxen effigy of mok. Mm-hmm. So he starts screaming. Mm-hmm. as only Shatner can. And they then do some washing around his eyes. And I was like, is this how they make the buttholes?

I don't know how they make the buttholes. And with this point I just have a note, it says, they're getting a lot of mileage out of those eyes. Yeah. They meant to buy like a 10-pack instead about a 100-pack, and they were like, fuck it. Everyone gets an eye. Everyone gets a butthole eye.

So Tom's Garrett is in the crowd. in Coltis garb. Yes. And bumps into his mom. Yeah, he's like, mom. And starts shooting cultists. He loses his gun almost immediately and he goes and hides in a house. I kept ratcheting up the speed at this point of the movie,

but it didn't seem to be going any faster. It was like I could see on the clock that it was, but the movie didn't seem to be. Very strange. It's a satanic movie. It'll slow down if you try to feed it up. That's right. He pitchforks a dude who tries to pitchfork him.

He tosses him a man through or over a balcony. Yeah, it really does. Now he's got a new gun. And he has to scamper into the darkness. And then he's just back at home with Sam. And he's like, hey, Sam, thanks for coming. Yeah, all of a sudden, it's daytime. And Sam has the book.

And his wife is missing. His wife is, yeah, yeah, because she had that car wreck with mom. Right. See, we're going too fast. You missed all the important plot points. Alan, please do not expect me to dignify that with a response. And the book of Satan where you sign your names Just looks like a really fun like

High School Yearbook Yeah or like a guest book at a rental Yeah This page has like my take on a Bosch painting And then I'm just going to put your name next to it In calligraphy In this scene someone calls someone else A goddamn son of a bitch to which I have written

You better think about it baby I ain't no goddamn son of a man Oh man Son of a bitch He is a goddamn son of a bitch though isn't he Which one of them Yes

So We're back to the outdoor church Wait is this before He has the conversation With Sam first about the book Oh right right right Right right with this yeah yeah Why wait 300 years to get the book back

He's been trying for 300 years He's been following them through time and space I see To track this family down And when he opens the book the name Mark Preston is in there now and he says it wasn't there this morning. Yeah.

Yeah. So somehow we realize they've got Julie. Oh, we see Julie being tied to something. Yes, we see her being set up to be sacrificed. They're drawn a little cross or a little pentagram between her boobies.

I hope that if I get kidnapped by a satanic cult, they have a dress that fits me nicely. Because I didn't feel like this dress fit her very nicely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it looks like a little like one size fit all. Yeah, I don't want that. I want it to be fitted. I got these great hips. You better put that.

I do have these fucking great hips. Where does her ESP come in? Yes, exactly. Oh, Jesus, fuck. Back when she was looking at her two, John Travon's butthole eyes. I guess so, but like... Because in the flashback,

she was sitting on the steps watching everything happen. Yeah, you're right. In sepia. Oh, fuck. Like someone druggered a fucking Gettysburg and took a family photo together. Very much like that. So Sam and Tom are at the church.

Right. And they're like, wow, look at these symbols of Satan, like triangles and funny faces. And they pick up this like ornate manhole cover. Yeah, religious manhole cover. And underneath it is a Satan television egg. I love this so fucking much. So this is like the key to all everything. This is the devil's rain.

And it's literally just in the floor under, like if you were going to search that place for an artifact, you would immediately look under the like ornate manhole cover. It's basically X marks the spot. Yes. It's a Freudstein's grave from a house for the cemetery. Oh, yeah, Freudstein. I forgot all about that. Holy ghost.

Yeah, so they find the Satan's television egg. Yes. And inside of it is a bunch of people going, oh, man. A lot of pilgrims, a lot of pilgrims. And I assume this is the souls of all the people that are. in the congregation. Correct. Hell?

You're just wet all the time, baby. You're just wet all the time. I honestly, that would be hell to be wet all the time. Your fingers are all pruny, your toes. Yeah. Just like your clothes clinging to you with clamminess. Devil's rain. So, just so you know, devil's rain wasn't just a misspelling, and if it was, they ran with it.

They ran with it. Yep. Sheriff shows up. He's got the bohol eyes and an axe. Yeah. And then they throw him in the hole where the devil's. where he comes from. What does he do,

Katie? What's he do when he flams in the hole? What does he do, Alan? He explodes. He explodes. Why? He explodes at a ballfire.

Why would he do that? Hell, man. You know what I'm saying? But. Keenan Wynne, made of gasoline. Throw him down. He's going to explode.

It's wild. I can't do this. I love that I know who Keenan Wynne is. I love that you do too. Oh, man. So they're like now cruising around with the egg. Satan Egg television?

Yeah, looking for Corbus, I guess. Yeah. And then John Travolta comes in and he's like, oh shit, there's that book that Corbus has been looking for. Right. And then Corbus tells him that because he found the book, he gets to go get the devil's television.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Shatner has it. Wait, why does Shatner have it? Because he took it from Tom because he like pinned Tom to the wall and took the television set from it. Right, okay.

Brothers, you know. Boys will be boys. So, yeah. Oh, my notes of, for some reason, now started autocorrecting Corbis to Corbyn. So let's just pretend that Corbin burns. Yeah. From the dentist, a movie I thought was funny.

That's hilarious movie. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. So. Jesus Christ. What have I spent the last 11 years of my life doing, Alan.

Hanging out with a rad dude, with a rad dude. I know, but we could just be like drinking beers and eating macaroni and cheese at Kelly's, you know? Yeah, but then we wouldn't have impacted all these wonderful people's lives. Yeah. I pissed off a lot of other people. A lot of people hate me. A lot more people hate me now than did 11 years ago.

Yeah, you're getting more popcorn there. You know, one of the most powerful things you've ever said to me is that no one else can hate me as much as I hate myself. And that has stuck with me, and it really does comfort me in times of strife. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome. Dr. Allen. That'll be $135. Oh, fuck.

So, so, mom sees her own soul in the soul vessel. Through her butthole eyes. Yeah, through her bottle eyes. They're still useful. They're functional to some extent. Sure. I mean, as any butthole is. I hope to lot.

Yeah, go on. So Martin's staring into the vessel and he remembers Aranesa. Right. So he breaks the vessel. He goes, Aronessa. And he breaks, he just smashes it. And then it starts raining. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then Mark starts melting. Yeah. Mom is like, hole up and so is melting dad.

But why did dad melt before the others did? Oh, because he... Um... We don't just keep doing this to me. Don't keep doing this to me. I want answers. Listen, there was a lot of cocaine in the early 70s. Why was the dad afraid of rain in the first place?

Did he know about the devil's rain? Because remember, she's like, every time it rains, your father gets all scared or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, devil's rain. He was already there, yeah, yeah, yeah. He already knew about it. Devil's rain. Fuck off. Oh, we get the head squeeze of Satan.

Corbus is squeezing Tom Scarrett's head. Yeah. Just for a while. Just for a while. Until Corbus starts melting. Yeah. While he's fighting with Tom. The people start melting and they have terrible.

It makes them have terrible sinus infections. The rain does. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Yeah. I mean all that in humidity.

Come on. It looks great. I love when shit is coming out of people's faces and it bubble. I love it. It's fantastic. It's so good. I was just imagining somebody with like a turkey baster standing there just like blooping this shit out.

This is the director of the Obama and old Mr. Fives. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And like he's done like some legit movies. That's a Vincent Price, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this.

So yeah, there's like Corbin falls with a hole. He explodes. Corbis. Sorry. Yes. Corbin. Corbin, also Roger Dorn of the Major League franchise.

I love that you remember his name from Major League. Do you know how many times I've watched Major League and Major League too? Don't even try to guess. It's sad. It's sad and lonely. I was a lonely kid. Is Major League 2 the one where they were just like, you won't notice that we've switched this black character for another black character?

You mean when Wesley Snipes becomes Omar Epps? Yes. It's the name Willie Mays Hayes? Willie Mays Hayes. Oh, he's so good. And then Wild Thing? Yeah, Wild Thing Rick Vaughn. that does sound like a baseball player's name.

Yeah. Those movies are fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. It's got a Bob Euchar's the announcer. Yeah. God rest his soul. God rest his soul.

So we see more melting people and Tom and Julie escape with Sam. Right. They just kind of run through the melty people. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. And then the church explodes and it's burning.

And I was like, this rules. This movie's the best movie. Yeah. Tom and. Julie are hugging and then she turns into corpse. She does upy mommy. She does an upy mommy to him where she puts her hands out like, money.

And then it's, it's Ernest Borg9. It's Ernest Borg9. And we see that she's trapped at the devil's reign seemingly alone. Yeah. Why? Oh, I got this one. Dude.

Katie. Alan. How many November rains do you give this movie? I give this. one 16th of a November rain video. Oh, wow. Wow. You?

This is a spaghetti incident of a film. Yeah. I'm going to give this movie a four. What? You just tried to do. How fucking dare you? You've spent the last hour telling me how good it is and then you give it a four. The system is pointless.

It's pointless. It's very fun to watch a Ernest Borg9 dressed up as a goat. Yeah. It seems like he's having a great time. His prosthetics are so good. He looks so, so, so good. If you want to see people melting, this is a good movie. If you want to watch a movie at like 3 o'clock in the morning with your friends

when you've been watching movies all night and this might be the one where you'll catch a little nap one way through, you're probably fine. That's a good idea, actually. Just be like, wake me up when he turns into a goat. Yeah. Yeah. Or just watch the last like 10 minutes. Sure.

It's got all the good effects. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fantastically silly movie. I'm very glad we did it. I feel like it was good to have a break from, watching another half of a Frankenstein movie. Oh, fuck.

Well, you're, yeah, yeah. Katie. Alan. I feel like this is a very important question that I ask you all the time. Yeah, and I sometimes know and I sometimes don't. What are we doing next week? I do know what we're doing next week because we have received a persuasive essay from my cousin Vicki.

Who signed the essay, MCV. Yes, the subject of this email, I like that she emailed it to us. To We're old ambulance. surprised she managed that honestly. Fucking brain genius. MCV and the mummy 1999. That was the subject of the email. Dear Alan and Katie,

first of all, I want to acknowledge the annual tradition. I am usually your dependable guest for a Christmas rom-com episode. It's fucking New Year's, but whatever. Normally I would arrive, festively prepared and emotionally ready

to defend at least one wildly questionable holiday movie. However, this year feels a little less spirited, and I'd like to propose what I believe is the perfect compromise between horror and romance. 1999's The Mummy. Hear me out. This is without question. Without question.

Without question. The best mummy ever made. The mummy is genuinely terrifying, ancient, and absurdly powerful. None of that watered down vaguely confused energy from the Tom Cruise version. Ouch.

I asked her if she'd seen the Boris Karloff. She said no. Oh yeah. She doesn't acknowledge that the Boris Karloff. No, no. Boris Karloff does not exist. this movie understands the assignment real stakes real monsters and real sand related peril second and perhaps most importantly i am your strongest possible guest for this episode as your favorite recurring guest i have every line of this movie memorized and an enthusiasm level that cannot be contained i will bring passion deep knowledge and an alarming amount of brendan fraser appreciation to the table and finally just give the people what they want my cousin vicky brendan fraser rachel vice haughty alert that's an that's a parent parenthetical for you who can't see this.

Adventure, romance, mummies. The audience deserves this. Thank you for your time and consideration. I eagerly await your correct decision with love and confidence MCV. There's no way she wrote that, right? There's just no way. 100% know that she wrote that.

She's a goddamn brain genius. I think either her husband or chat GPT got in on that. But I'm pleased that she put forth any amount of effort that she did. Deal, dear Albert and Kelly. Chet GPT would not be able to get her an answer rate. You should have been Albert and Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Do you feel like you're a Kelly, though?

I could be a Kelly. Yeah, yeah. I'm a total Albert. You are a total Albert. Very serious, not silly at all. This is not to say that we are not going to be covering the movie from the wife of last week's email writer. We will be doing that, but Vicki's scheduling. You know, we've got to get that interest.

Yeah, and she is our most beloved guest. Is she? I thought. Is she? People love Perry. Sure. Sure. I'm being mean to Vicky.

There's no need for that. I love Vicky. She's a fucking beautiful angel. I love her so much. I spend a lot of time with her over the holidays. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. I get Vicky in very controlled small doses and I couldn't be happier about it.

She's goddamn joy. You should try spending 48 straight hours of Vicky. It's like, when you leave the situation, you're like, am I insane? Should I also have spent my entire childhood with her? Yeah, it does fuck you up, but it's probably why I'm like this. Anyway, come back next week for the 1999 Brendan Frazier, Rachel Vice Vehicle, The Mummy. Hotty alert. Hotty alert.

Hotty alert. Thank you to everyone who is a patron. If you want to hear our action movies, go to patreon.com slash wherewif ambulance. Also, a nice one mate. Which we're going to give you a new one of real soon here. Because I got to see episode four. I'm itching. I'm itching.

I had to watch the first episode of Shetland, even though it's not all out yet. Because I couldn't watch Line of Duty's episode four. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And no more Tandy Newton spoilers. Sorry about that. Go buy some, you know, get some new year. Fresh duds.

Go to a T-Public and pick up a T-shirt. New Year, New Shet. Did I do it? Yeah, new metal. New Metal. Alia. We can't talk shit on New Metal. We've gotten so much trouble for that in the past.

Well, look, that movie with Alia was quite bad. I think it was ghost ship that we got more shit for. Yeah, that's right. Mudvane was. Okay, we've got to stop before it comes back around. Too many people hate me already. Oh, quickly, I want to read us. We got a review, and it's like, it's two sentences.

I want to read it. And it's very good in you. I want to read it. A five-star review from December 30th is the person who left this. December 30th, exclamation point. Oh, I love that. You're so wrong on Del Toros Frankenstein. Five-star review.

The doctor is not a monster. If he was, he would have probably given the creature circumcised penis and then sewed on a foreskin. What? Five stars. Thank you for listening to another episode of Wearwell Vanuance. Bye.