Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 547- The Mummy (1999) ft. Everyone's Cousin Vicky

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

Hey, first things first: catch us tomorrow as guest hosts on the God Awful Movies podcast! It's a Neil Breen movie which, as it turns out, means that it is BATSHIT. In this week's episode, we're joined by a fan favorite guest (everyone's cousin Vicky) to discuss her pick, the 1999 blockbuster "The Mummy." You're gonna love it. Have we done the OG 1932 film? Of COURSE we have! It's Episode 207 and features another absolutely delightful guest. You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes including this month's leader in the pills, "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." And, bonus! Our third podcast, "Nice One, Mate!" Episode 4 drops soon!  leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously we have best listeners, hands down.

Vicki, you're on. I have nothing to say. Y'all, guess who's back? It's Viggy. Guess who's back, back, back, back. Vicki's back, back, back. Thank you. Oh, the M&M of podcasting is here.

Thank you for having me. Thank you for coming back. What a surprise to be invited back. Well, we read your persuasive essay that you definitely used chat GP for. I don't know. I don't know. Look, Vicky, I'm really good at the SARS. I stand by you.

writing that. Did you use chat GPT? Because I'm going to be ready to know. We'll never know. She uses chat GPT for all of her important documents. Literally, I've only used it once. Do you scream? Ever. Besides this. Besides maybe this. Do you scream, fuck that rainforest before you do it? Absolutely. Absolutely. Every time.

Who's one thing I know about Vicky? I hate rainforest. Hates the fucking rain. I hate it. I hate it. So many bugs. You're always yelling, suck my dick, heller monkey. I hate them. I hate those monkeys. hate it all. I heard the cure for cancer might be there.

Fuck you. Love cancer. Love it. And all the oxygen. You could be in a volcano instead. Cancer's not so bad. Well, there you go. That was a maxi-pad song that never got written.

You could be in North Korea. Cancer ain't so bad. You could be in a volcano cancer ain't so bad. It's really awful. It's awful. It's not funny. Is RFK Jr. here in the room with this right now? Oh, no.

Oh, I'd have more Zin packets. Just in your head. You just eat more meat. You wouldn't have cancer. You know that? No, I wouldn't have cancer. I'd have all the meat. A brain worm.

All the meat. And some nicotine pouches. That street bear meat that you ate before you came over here. Well, don't hit them in the street. Oh, fuck. Anyway, Vicki, you hate monkeys. You hate rainforest. What do you not hate?

The mommy. Yeah, Boris Karloff, 1930s. Never saw it. You really have to see it. I really do. It's really great. I understand now. There's another one that I haven't seen.

Some might say the original. The original. Some, some might say. Chris George, is that who we have? Chris George, yeah. Chris George, two nameer. Two first names. The only, the best Christopher George.

Two first names. You're just going to take the guy from Grizzly out like that? I am going to take the guy from Grizzly out like that. I'd rather hang with Chris George. So, the mummy. The mummy. It's so good. I can't wait to hear what everybody thinks.

This is, instead of a rom-com, we get a, Rom-Drom? This is a bit of a romantic dromedy. So I read, going into this, that Brendan Fraser didn't know if he was making a horror movie or a comedy. It shows. It shows 100% on his face and every scene. And I think as a child, I didn't really think of it as horror either. Sure.

There's some good scares, I think, some good stuff. Yeah, maybe it scared me then. Didn't scare me. I've seen it so many times. You had also seen so much shit. I know. Nothing. I was a 1984 film with you,

like the filmography of the book. You know what I remember this? You were like five. Yes. I watched so many scary things as a kid and I'm like, I could never show that to my kids. Oh my God, our kids are pussies compared to us.

You just hit me with a sense memory of watching that 1984 movie was the first time I remember sad titties. Oh. They're not sad titties in the memory. Right? It was like, I don't remember it. But it's not happy. No, it's not happy.

I don't remember it. We'll watch it. again. It'll all come rushing back to you. I still sure of it. Look, I read the book, but I don't remember the movie. I don't know. I'm a question. I feel like that was when John Hurt was just in his deep everything I have to, I'm doing as an actor is the most miserable thing. Like the elephant man. Oh, 1984. Just these movies that you're like, oh, fuck, man. Just buy John Hurt a candy bar. Oh, that Snickers vein's going to bring him back. Oh, yeah.

So you love this movie. I love this movie. Yeah. Would you consider it a rom-com? I do. I do think so. Absolutely. But there's two romances in it, really, if you think about it. Because the mummy, no. No, no one in a mox.

Are you talking about his love of, uh, Anoxunamun. A no moon. I can't even talk normal English, but I can do this. I can do this. I can't say normal English words, but I can do all these. I can't be normal English. But like, sort of Egyptian.

I got you. I got you. You know what, though. I really think that this is like very bizarre, but I think that like my obsession with Egypt actually comes from my mother because she was really into Egypt and I was really into Egypt and like we watched all those like history

documentaries about ancient Egypt and this just fit perfectly in it. Yeah. The spooks are what it's all about. You know. Yeah. Who built them pyramids? The aliens. So fucking racist. No. The aliens putting the pyramids is the most racist thing.

Really? Yeah, 100%. No, I actually think Vicki believes that. No, I actually think think that there was a lot alignment. I just think that it were so much smarter than us than they were, there's a lot of alignment with the stars. And it's insane.

Yeah. And all the shafts coming out like a line up with constellations. It's like a crazy. You're familiar with the, what is it, the, the parthenon or pantheon? Which one? Rome. Rome is the part.

Pantheon. Pantheon. So the pantheon has a concrete ceiling. I've been there. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Oh, I haven't. I was going to be poor.

I'm way poor. So, but the Parthana, or the Pantheon has a ceiling in it. The hole. But they can't figure out how they did it with concrete. Yeah. So maybe there's a chance that people in ancient Egypt knew shit that we didn't, we've forgotten since then. I absolutely think so.

I absolutely think so. And that's why I think the shows like ancient aliens are fucking racist as hell. Oh, no, these old brown people that can't know what you about shit. No, no, I don't actually think that. I actually don't think that. No. It's a joke between, you know. It's a joke amongst friends.

A space white had to come down and explain it. Well, they're technically gray. Yeah. We don't know. Or green. I think they're green. They're green. Yeah, like the Homestead Grays.

Yeah, like the Homestead Grays. There's the X-Files episode where the Homestead Grays were actually aliens. Yeah. You ever seen that? Mm-mm. No, we should watch it. Mm-mm. But I would be into that.

Yeah. I don't know. Well, anyway, a movie, a movie made in 1999. 1999, year of our Lord, you were... How old? Fifteen? Oh. You're 12, you done.

I don't know. I can't possibly do the reverse map on this. Yes, Vicki, you're three years younger than me. I and every listener to this podcast love you so much. 12. And I was? 25. 25.

Oh man, you could be Vicky's dad. You could. No, no. You're the same age as Pye's dad, remember? No, I don't remember. You've never pointed it out to you. I never saw this movie before yesterday. Oh, holy shit.

I cannot believe that. I just somehow escaped without seeing it. It's like you're not even married to Missy. I cannot believe it. I have never seen it. I was shocked. One of Missy's favorite films. That's why we get along.

It's true. That's why we get along. It's the bond. One of my favorite. one of my favorites. This opens on pyramids, obviously. Of course. Always.

What else would it do? I love it. A narrator talking about Thebes, the city of the living, which is... I think it's the Magi narrating it, the main magi guy. Oh, the handsome guy? With the tattoos. God, he's smoking hot. In a movie of smoking hot dudes, that guy shows up and you're like, okay, fine.

Fine. Fine. Just damp basements all around. Adam... Adam... What's at Kylo Red? then Adam... Oh, Adam Driver?

It looks like Adam Driver. If someone just puts his face into a face shape. There is a PC game that I really enjoy called Farrow, where it's like a city building game where you have to build like aqueducts and houses. And then you got to build like entertainment and tax collector. It's like sensitive. But the narrator, I swear to God, in this movie is the same as like that video game. He's like, thieves, the city of the living.

You will need to build a mausoleum. Imhotip. this egg-headed motherfucker. So, I was like, when did Billy Zane get thick? Okay, it wasn't Billy Zane. It's not Billy Zane. Did you tell me it was Tilly Zane? I was like, this is not Billy Zang.

Like, that's just how I remembered it in my brain. He looks like a thick Billy Zane. And then I thought, wasn't Titanic just the year before? I think that's why in my brain I got it mixed up. Who was who? No, it wasn't Billy Zane. Actor named Arnold Voss Lu. He's been in other things we've done, I feel.

Has he? I would assume so. I've seen. I've seen him in other stuff. I don't know what, though, but... I'm looking it up. Yeah. No well.

I feel like these movies are just like, we could hire people of North African descent. Yeah, or not. Or we could get Patricia Velasquez. Gorgeous Venezuelan women that we will put brown face on anyway? It's gold. And then gold face. She's gold face.

And oh my God, do you not love that? You know the brown is under there, right? You know that the brown face went on first. I think she just has quite a lot of broad face. are on. I think she has a lot of gold on. Well, she's gorgeous. I want to be covered in gold like that too. That's what I want. You just want to be covered in gold? Just covered in gold. Oh, I have bad news for you. What? I'm getting a tooth and it's not

going to be gold. No. Talk to me out of it. She was like, listen, I told her why. I told her that you were going to wear it around your neck when I died. And she was like, listen, I have to tell you something. People always say that. And I was like, people always say that. What? People cheat with their cousins are going to wear their gold tooth around the neck. They're going to take the gold out of their mouths and sell it. And she was like, they don't take the gold out of your mouth. And I was like, what if I put it in my will? And she was like, well, I'm not an attorney.

This is our dentist. I'm speaking of. I'm not an attorney, but I don't think so. She leaned in and said, Vicky, Vicky's not going to outlive you. Oh, no. When you go see her? Because I'm going this week with my kids and me. Okay, well, tell her.

I'll mention it. She talked me out of a gold tooth and that you're mad about it. I'll bring it up. I was like my cousin Vicki, who also comes here. I'll see her this week. Okay. Maybe even twice. So amhotep.

Back, back, back, back, back. Back in it. He's getting nasty with... Anoxuna moon. Thank you. And an Anoxuma moon. That was much more mush-mouthed when she said it. You should have saw how I spelled it.

Did you sell it spelled phonetically? I think so. But she is parted up with the Pharaoh. She's the Pharaoh's like number one... Concubon. Concubon. Yeah. Yeah.

So. But she cannot keep her hands off thick, Billy Zane. Who could? He's handsome. He's the high priest or whatever. Yeah. Imhotep. Yeah. So Imhotep and Ock are like, you know what?

We're actually going to slow kill with this Pharaoh. Well, so I thought it was just because she got caught. I think so. He accidentally wiped some of her body paint off. Yeah, because no one's supposed to touch her. But those were also his... She could have brushed a curtain. No, but she ain't supposed to touch curtains neither.

She can't even touch a curtain? There's also Imotep's like people were out there. so he knew something was going on. Because why was she? That was his people. Right, because he has the gold boys that are his lackeys. Okay. I just feel like you shouldn't wipe your body paint off if you're fucking around.

It's a great way to get caught. No, no, no, no. Dog, don't touch my shoulders. No. Rub the nips. Or just don't put it on that day. I don't know. Yeah.

Maybe just put it on when you're done fucking around. Yeah, exactly. If you showed up to the Pharaoh and you were like, I forgot to put on my body paint and he was like, you were getting your nippies touched by this weird boy, right? Fucking Billy Zane was all up on you. but yes, she stabs him. Billy Zane, not Billy Zane. Willie Zane.

Willie Zane. Thwax him. And then the gold men look on in confusion. Yeah. Yeah. They're shocked. What are we doing here? And then the military boys show up.

Yes. And they're like, you know, what are we going to mummify your asses? Yeah. Yeah. This is also very historically inaccurate because mummification was like a sacred ritual. It wasn't a torture thing. You would never mummify someone alive. I think we poco.

I think it did actually happen, but they couldn't fully do because you have to take their brain out and stuff, and you obviously wouldn't be, like, still moving around if your brain was ripped out of your brain. I don't know. I gave it a quick goog. And they said no. But that was Google AI. Sorry. I don't know if I believe AI.

No, me either. If your brain was ripped out of your brain. So I'm still still doing that. Oh, no. My brain is in my brain. Insane in the membrane brain. I don't know. I don't actually know this.

I don't actually know this. Like I said, quick goo. I'm going to, I'm going to go. I'm going to go out of a limb. Yeah. Just a little willy-nilly here. A little Willie Zane here. A little Willie Zane.

This movie, not historically actually. It is not. And you know what else? Yeah. I found out that both these people are real. Imete. Imhotep for sure. And the Pharaoh, they're both real people, but they live like a thousand years apart.

Of course. I have a lot of facts. I looked up. People at the same time. Yeah. Okay. I know. It's weird.

Like, why would you make up a story about something that wasn't even close? I feel like because Imhotep is like the name that everyone. I mean, there's that R movie Bubba Hotep. I haven't seen that. Oh, we should do that at some point. And he wasn't a priest either. Real life, he was apparently one of the architects of the pyramids. No shit.

Yeah. He was an alien. That's why he's bald. Okay. All right. Coming to gather for me. Who is a brain genius now? It's me.

So he gets dragged away and she stabs herself in silhouette. Smart. Yeah. Very dramatically. Very dramatic. I love the off-screen silhouette murders. I do too. You look fantastic.

It's very nice. Also, it's going to keep your rating down. Right. No blood on screen. That's another thing. She said they had to do certain like gooey things with the mummy, not gooey, because they wanted to keep a PG-13.

Right. I'm coming with you with a lot of facts. I got a lot of facts about this. Oh, I love this. She's going to Joe Godzilla this one. I'm going to Joe Godzilla with it. That's right. Our listeners are all nodding along.

Like, yes, Joe did hit us with too many facts. There's lots of facts. He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand comedy. I thought you were doing a Joe Bob Briggs and a Godzilla matchup, but then I remember that Joe came on here and claimed to have a bunch of Godzilla facts, but I think there were three. That checks out.

So somehow Imotep steals her body and takes her to the city of dead to try to resurrect her. Exactly. With his lackeys. Once again, the lackeys. And they're cutting her open and stuff. And to which I have written, I would never want a lover to autopsy me. Vicky only because she's a doctor. Listen,

the only way that I can come. Oh, no. Is by autopsying your lovers. Just by cutting a little cut, a little Y cut down their neck. It's the only way out can come. That's Alan's kink. Not for me.

But the priests are unhappy with this, or the military or whatever. Yeah, because his priests are like helping out. Yeah, yeah. His priests will do anything he does. Yeah, I don't. priest. He's the high priest. God says. DTF down to follow.

Down to follow. Oh my God. I just got the best idea. Let's start a Christian rock band called DTF down to follow. And we will make a Brazilian dollars. There's so much money to be made in Christian music. Oh, yes. You go to those big super churches? Absolutely.

Can we steal my, oh, fuck, who was that really big Christian, like, rap adjacent band in the 90s? I just know they had the lyric. We don't have to be a stranger because my, my best friend was born in a manger. D.C. Talk. DC Talk.

Yes. My brain kept saying newsboys, but it wasn't newsboys. You just reminded me that I wouldn't just throw out. This weekend while I was away with some friends, I said maybe the stupidest thing I've ever said in my life. Wow, I'm ready.

Let's put it on recording. And I was wondering if it should be like my tagline for things or like, I'm out. Your catchphrase. Yeah, my catchphrase. I'm ready. to catch race. I like that.

You're not ready because what I'm about to say to you is the stupidest thing I've ever said in my life. I'm so ready. Tug it till it stinks. Exactly. We thought it was going to be funny. It's gross. But I don't know why it's gross. Were you like unclogging a toilet?

No. No. It was a dick. Appal pro of nothing. No dicks were involved. Nothing. It is gross sounding. We may not talk about a stinky goat.

But still. Because there's a goat on the farm that I was at. Sure. But tug it till it stinks made me almost throw up because I was laughing so hard. Okay. I think if you want to work it in, we can work it in. Tug it till it stinks. Exactly.

It gave me that feeling like, oh, well, no. It should hit you right in the back of your girl. Yeah, like when you drink Yeagermeister. Or A1 stagherstitch sauce. Sourpatch kids. You get that squirt. Get the squirt in the back of your and chogot. Tugatillot stinks.

Tassalapach. Oh, fucking crazy. All right. Oh, go to a little. our T-Bloffics store for a tug-at till it's Justin's probably been working on it since the weekend. God, I love that guy. I gotta get back with him about my two country to die shirts.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I gotta get back on that. I've had a lot on. So they partially resurrect her. Yeah, yeah, her mom, her, she starts to come in. Her shitty, CGI bubbly spirit comes back. This is six years after Jurassic Park.

Come on. You could do better. Again. Yeah, but we weren't. We weren't doing. And we're still not doing better now. No, we're not. Mm-mm.

So yeah, she starts to come back and then like some bodyguard guys show up and they're going to rip out Emhotep's tongue. Yeah, they catch them. They mummify him alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they bury them alive with scarabs. And I don't know scarabs to be flesh-eating beetles. No. I also thought they were rats.

The CGI was so bad. I couldn't tell what they were throwing in there with him. No. And I thought, oh, rats, that's awful. Is that a bunch of computer mice? What are they putting in with him? I do have a lot of questions about the scarabs. There was like, there was issues in the plot with that because they like, he was able to draw.

He was alive for so long. He was able to write this on. But like when they come and like kill other people by just going over them, eating them and going away instantly. Yeah. Or right into their heart seemingly. Yes. Yes. Which is gruesome and that's great.

Yeah. Sometimes you get a heart scarab. That's a great part. That's a great part. Yeah. All right. As a man with a scarab tattooed on me. Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought that was a rat. It's a spider. No, I know. It's a computer mouse. It has never tried to eat me alive. That's wonderful. No. It's 1923.

The fight is happening. Brenjin Frazier's a legionaire, I guess? I don't know. Yeah, French, Legion. Yeah, yeah. Why would he do that? Because he just loves to fight. Is that it?

Yeah. Was he? Okay. Brandon, my man, Brandy. Frashe? Oh, fucking casino man. God, those lips. Oh, God.

Jesus. age, Christ, beautiful man. He's so handsome. So handsome. He's so handsome. Again, movie of just beautiful people. Just beautiful people. Although I do not like what they did to Rachel Vice's eyebrows.

We need to talk about her 90s eyebrows. They're 90s. I just kept thinking of you and now like the 90s like beat your eyebrows out. I don't think that's her natural eyebrows. I think they're doing a 1920s braw. I think you're right. I think you're right about that. They've blocked her brows and they've drawn those ones on and they look like shit.

She looks great. She looks just like friend of the podcast Sarah Cannon. There's like a joke in here about French people running away, I think. I'm fleeing a fight. I don't know. I don't know what's happening. If the French are mad at this movie, I get it, y'all. Yeah, they're really treated poorly.

And then three years later, that's it. This is the whole thing. This movie is so fucking American jingoistic bullshit on some level. Not that you didn't love it. How about when the sand tries to eat Brendan Fraser? I love that part. I love that part. Anubis.

He's standing under Anubis. Yeah, yeah. And he tries to eat them. Is that now? No, that's during the fight. That's like, he goes. Yeah, because he runs back into the city of the dead.

That's right. And there's like the big like sand mouth. And I was like, you know, trying to stick your dick in that sound mouth? Oh, my God, yeah. Of course he is. The first time he almost gets shot and then get stopped. Gotcha.

Oh, first time. And this is where we meet Benny. Oh, the weasley is to weasels. Yeah, he's very weasley. I like him a lot. Oh, he's so skeezy. I love him. There's so many weasels.

So squirrely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we also see that the Magi are here. They should have killed them. This is the sexy guy with the Arabic written on his face?

What is that? What's happening there? Some same script, ancient, Egyptian. I thought you would know. No, I did, I do know that this. I do know, I do know, I don't know what it, what language it is, but I do know that this is, whatever a group this is really does exist and they do put tattoos, but not in those locations that he had them.

Okay. There's like, I do know that. More of like a trance. Did you learn that in medical school? No. No. I didn't. No.

I read it on the internet. That's how you went to medical school, too, to be fair. Oh, just kidding. I'm not a doctor. Don't ask me for medical advice. Well, I'll give you my opinion anyways. Nine out of ten Vickies agree. That doesn't need surgery.

So now he's in Cairo. Three years later. Yes. Yeah. We're in Cairo with the lovely late. Evie. Evie. Evelyn. And the best scene happens with the ladder. What is she doing?

Honestly, you clearly can't reach. I feel like that is my life. I do that all the time, not particularly on a ladder, but like, I think that I can get something done by avoiding it and then it always becomes a disaster. This is why I appreciate you so much because I was like, she, when like the ladder spins and she's standing in the middle of floor and I was like, I fuck shit up like this all the time. This is like always what I do. And I'm like, if only I would just take that extra 30 seconds to done the, then the whole thing. climbed down and then walked over and put the ladder on the other side, everything would be fine. Everything would have been fine. Think a step ahead.

But also, hoops to put these bookshelves up in such a way to think of it. Domino rallies. Dominoes. Here comes another fact. They only had one take to get this because they said it would take all day to set back up. One take and they did it and those 365 camera. I love that. In a movie with some shit-ass, or computer-generated effects.

Yeah, this part's really fun. This being practical was like, that's spot on. I love this. It was so good. So that really happened. He would be so loud. So loud. And then her boss comes in and says that she's a catastrophe.

He calls her a nepo baby. He does. He does. But then he later sets an ancient map on fire and was just like, oh, well, better. It's best without it. That's when I was like, he's a bad guy. You're definitely a bad guy. But he's not a bad guy.

Isn't he? He's just kind of. He's mean to her. He's mean. He's not a good guy. He's not a good guy. He shouldn't be working in 1926, right? They should be home having babies.

This comes up a lot. This comes up several times. Yeah. Oh, this movie does not pass a Bechdale test, whatever that might be. She never gets to speak to another woman. Uh-uh. Are there any other women? No other, no other, no other women.

There's no other women. Yeah. Just a dead lady. No. No, she is the girl. There's no other women. She's the girl. Now that you're saying that.

That's a two hour and five-minute movie. You couldn't slot in another woman somewhere? No. We don't have the budget for another woman. Just that. All right. Where are we at? So she goes into an antiquities room because she hears a noise.

Uh-huh. And then out of a sarcophagus comes a mummy. And I'm like, what the fuck is your brother doing tugging on a mummy? I love it so much. Tugging it till it stinks. I love it. I don't know about this. I don't know.

Hey, I'm just trying it out. See if it stinks. You know what I mean? I think we're probably okay on this. He, this guy I could do without. What is he in this movie? I think he's so funny. He's not, I love him.

He's another weasel. Measel number two. leaf, but yeah. I love it when he's like digging around for the key and he just like moves the mummy arm and like looks underneath it and then like puts it back down. He's the guy that's like, have you had too many hot guys? Because here's just like regular ass looking. Yeah.

You want a weird Scottish man. Here's a weird Scottish. Here he is. Here he is. I like them. Fair enough. I like the fact that there's a brother on this that's nerdy and. Sure.

I don't know. Anyway, so then they go and visit. Wait, no. Yes. Then they bring the map to the guy. where he lights it on fire. Right, because the, sorry, please you. The brother has found a box, and within the box, it opens up into a very distinct shape that will not come back later.

I was like, ooh, release placentabytes. Three thousand times. She calls it a puzzle box. Uh-huh. She does. I can see Rachel Weiss being in a fucking sex demon movie and really pan. I would really like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, would. So I hate that. I just took it until six. God damn it. When it comes to lady parts, I think that's worse. I think you may not. I'm going to say you can use it as a catchphrase. You may not refer to Volva in that way.

Okay. Can we disagree on that? Stop it. Come back. I don't like that. I got the shivers. Yeah. Maybe you feel gross.

It's making her shimmy. Not in a good way. That's on a shimmy. Not in a good way. I'm a 51-year-old married man. I don't know. And he's good shit.

No. So her older brother, he's like fucking around with her. It's like having an older brother is absolute shit. Yeah. Just like brought me back to having a shitty older brother. Yeah. But so we find that he has stolen this puzzle box from a man in a bar, I guess. Yeah.

Which we learned to be. Prenton Frater. O'Connell. O'Connell. I don't know how, like, seeing, like, I'm like, how did he steal this from him? How did he steal this from him? from him. And it's perfect.

Like he would have caught him, right? He would have caught him. He's so slick. There's no way I remember that Rick O'Connell lost this box to him. That's how it all comes together. Oh, fuck. And then he said, bring me to the man who, like, she wants to know who, so she brings him.

Sure. I don't know how he found out he's in prison. I don't know how he knew that all, but. I don't know how they knew. Yeah, because they kind of just go to prison. And he's there. And he's there. And he was at the bar.

And now he's being hanged. Yeah. Now he's done something so bad he's being hanged. He was just looking for a good time. Yeah. Look at real Encino Man in the scene where he's all overgrown. I know. Like Linkovich Chimovsky.

Likovsky. Now that is a great movie. Oh, such a fantastic movie. Another great movie. I love describing a human being as overgrown. It's true, though. You know what I mean. Well, this is the map to Hamanoptera.

Homonoptera. Yeah. The city of the day. Uh-huh. And the curator burns the map. Right. And he's just like, oh, well, it's the best. Oops a dude.

He's like, I'm saving you at the trouble. It's not real. So they go see Rick in jail. Yes. Right. He calls Evelyn abroad. She gets really offended. But I feel like in 1926 you could call women broads.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, lady, people are so freely using the N-word back then. She better. And now, honestly. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he bunches his brother in the face. Yeah, the brother in the face.

And then sexually assaults her. She gives her smooch. That's true. that does happen. You thought that was romantic. But then she thinks about it, no, no. But then she thinks about it for a long time after. Well, yeah.

I mean, this movie is like, what if we set the 90s back in 1939? Yeah. Where, like, if you remember the episode we did on the Wolfman. Yeah. Which is just him browbeating her into going into a day with it. It's like a smart lady falls for a gym bro because he pays the slightest amount of attention to you. Yeah. Yeah.

Extremely 1990s. basically what happens. She's trying to save him. Everybody wants to fuck her, including the prison guard. Yeah. Sure. Who I feel like I've seen in a hundred things,

but can't, like, nail down. Another weasel. Weasel number three. I really like how hairy his chest is when he gets to scare up in there. I know. I know. I appreciate that. Yeah,

we're in, okay? It's in our blood. As a hair suit man, I appreciate all of them. Yeah. I don't know why. I don't shave.

Don't shave. Don't shave. Just live your hair. Live it. Live it. What are you going to do? Let it break. Make it braatable.

Some of your beard and chest hair connect and you just have to deal with it. Yeah, that's just part of it. Do it. We're here for it. Live it. Live it. Tug it till it stinks. There you go.

No more. No more. And then he's hanging. So moving on from this. I have a controversial opinion. Uh-huh. Hanging. Good idea.

Actually, yes. I'm totally against capital punishment. I think. I think there's no reason for it. It doesn't serve any purpose. It doesn't dissuade people from committing crimes. It costs the government a lot of money. You know, there's so many false convictions.

However, I will vote for whomever in 2028 promises to hang the current administration in a street. I will go to that. I will take my child with me. I would not, but. Can we travel with me? Can we run up it? Sure. Can we go full Mussolini and put a meat hook up their ass to hang them in the town?

square. You know, we were related to Mussolini through blood. No, we're not. Yes, we were. Really? You know how Nunna always said Sophia Loren was her illegitimate cousin. Yes. Well, she was married into the Mussolini family.

So, therefore, we are Mussolini's. So he gets hanged. He sure does. And he's strangling to death. And the third weasel is like, no, we can make a barter. We can make a little deal. And he tries to pop a feel. And she just gives, she offers him cut of the findings of treasure when they

get to hominoptera. Yeah. Because she's like 30% and he's like 25% and she goes, deal. She's so smart and he's so dumb. I'm a dummy. She's so smart, but she didn't even notice Brendan Fraser was hot until he gets a haircut. Yeah, I love that. Because when she sees him in the haircut, she's like, ah.

In real life, he passed out during that and they had to like, they said resuscitate. I don't know what that means during that scene. He really treats Brendan Fraser like shit. Yeah, he really went out. So they killed him. There you go. He died. I'm really glad he's having a Renee Somp's.

I know. He seems like a really good human. Yeah, he's had a really rough go. Yeah. Sure. Because he aged like a human being. No, because he accused of someone of a person and power of assaulting him. And then he was blacklisted for many years.

Oh, is that what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also aged like a normal human being. Sure. Yeah, yeah. And like, so people are like, oh, you're all weird and fat. Now he's like, no, he just looks like a normal person. A man who is of his age.

He's just a normal person. He's still kind of hot, honestly. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I appreciate that about him. Yeah. I think we all have, was it school ties?

Oh, my God. Yeah. I didn't watch that. Oh, it's really good. If you wouldn't enjoy it, I don't think. It's a little much for you. That's a straight drama. No drama.

None of that. Jewish. But he's also. None of that. Like, I'm pretty straight, but I'm not that straight that I wouldn't. That's what you about Rachel Vais. This whole movie, both. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm Oxuna Moon. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Oh. It was like the beginning of my puberty right there. You know?

This is horny Vicky. This is horny vicky. This is the movie that, like, sexuality is a spectrum. It's fluid. It's fluid. Yeah. Because if, like, both Rachel Weiss and Brendan Fraser are like, hey. And you're like, yeah.

I take either. The best part of this movie coming up where she's, like, in that sheer veil. Oh, yeah. She's, like, beautiful. She is beautiful. She's beautiful. She is looking for a book of Amon, and her brother's just looking for treasure.

Which makes no sense because aren't they already rich? Yeah, is it just treasure to like get him in more in the antiquity section of the home? You probably don't know this. Rich people just want to get richer. Oh, okay. Yeah. As working class, Vicki, as we call you. They just want more and more and more.

That's strange. Why would you need more? Don't you have enough? Isn't that enough? Aren't you good? Oh God, what if they had enough? What if they just had enough? What if Jeff Bezo was like, you know what, I'm good?

I'm good. I don't need another dollar. I'll live on these dollars. Yeah. Like his lovely ex-wife who keeps sending money to all these wonderful charities. I want her to marry him again and then take more of his money. She co-founded Amazon. Yeah, she's not just taking his money.

I hate people say that. I'm mad at you currently. And what I will say to you is tug it until it stinks. Oh, no, no. I want her to have taken his money. Yeah, you're right about that. I want his money to be doing awesome, good stuff against his fucking will.

Against his H-G-H-injecting fucking will. He flamed like a fucking tire, that guy. So disgusting. I can't wait till the piece of shit shows up with a full head of hair. Just like brow lye. Oh, man. All right. We all now, though.

All now. This is where we get, we meet the other party. that is also going to hominoptera. Sorry. No, I'm going to, you're reporting at me. You mean the party of Americans?

What? The party of Americans. Oh, the Americans, yes. Which we are all cowboys. These Americans are smart. Fuck off. No, they're not. They're dipshits.

They're literally acting like cowboys. Yeah. The way they shoot their guns and everything. Americans are stupid. Choo, chew, chew, chew. If they were able to wipe out the Native Americans without any problems whatsoever. No problems.

No problems. Oh my God. Oh my God. So, yeah, she sees that Brendan Fraser has a haircut now, and Rachel Weiss is like, yeah, would, 100%. Let's do this. Yes. He kissed me.

Yeah, that part I don't love. She's too smart for that. She's too smart. That doesn't go with her person, the rest of it. The movie goes out of its way to prove that she's smart. Yes. And then is also like, what a naive bitch. Yeah, no.

Hold on. No. I don't think that would happen. Ladies, a movie in the 90s is taking a female protagonist and making her into a more. on for a man. You don't say. That's what we grew up on, huh?

Man, we're fucked. Our generation is smart. My generation is fucked because of like, that, uh, fuck, what's the boombox over your head movie? Oh,

yeah. Uh, not stand by me. I don't know what's called. I never really said. Better on that. No, say anything.

Say anything. Say anything. Of that like, yeah, just browbeat women until they're attracted to you. Especially if you're a cutie pie, like baby John Keyes. Sure.

You can go away with it. And this, like, you guys grew up in the, like, smart women can do anything, especially get a man. You just got to be a little dumb to get him. Right. Or you'll get an ugly man. Yeah. Or you get someone ugly. You get an ugo.

An ugo. But you'll leave that ugo for the handsome guy who's not as smart as you are later. Yeah. I mean, maybe he's nicer to you. I don't know. I can't live like this anymore. Tug-a-till it stinks. Tug-until it stinks.

She says he has more balls than brains. I think that's probably true. Sure. 100%. Although, he's meant... Who says that? Benny says that. Oh, Benny says that.

And then he throws him overboard. Right. Surely someone will save him. He throws Benny overboard. Yes, yes. And that's when the footprints come out. Whose footprints are those? They're the...

Magi. Magi. Magi. Did anybody else have the problem with the Magi just bring Frankencents and Mur? What are these guys doing? There are the gift of the three wise men. Yes.

The Magi. I think these are Magi. They're pronounced different. Oh, Magi is different than Magi. I think they're a different group all together. And then they got the comb and the pocket watch and the hair and the watch. You know what I'm talking about?

The gift of the Magi? Never mind. I do. Vickie doesn't know. I'm glaring at me. How pointless are those gifts, though, that Mary got? Like, yeah. She's a baby like me.

Like nipple butter. Get her nipple butter. Get her fucking, a nap. She needs a nap. She needs a bed. Someone needs to hold that baby for her. Gold might be a trade in.

What's she going to do with mer? What the fuck is her? Bray things on her peri area. Yeah. She needs something to hold on her stitches while she takes her first shit. Well, oh, she got the husband stitch? No. No, that's not why.

She's a virgin. Joseph, despite being her husband, somehow never fucked her. No, even when she was pregnant. Yeah, can't get pregnant again. No. Although maybe with immaculate conception you can. What if you had to share a womb with your immaculate brother, Jesus? You come out and you're like, a pawn.

Okay, this is a brilliant book. This is a brilliant book being the twin of Jesus. Oh, we call it, Joseph's baby. Donovan Chico. Oh, my God. I want to write this book. Donovan Chico. This is how we want to write this book.

We're going to make millions. And then my mom will never forgive me. We'll wait until she's dead because she's already not forgiving me. Multi-thousinaires. Look out. Here we come. Here we come. And I'm going to take even more money by going on a treasure hunt.

Yeah. We'll steal the Declaration of Independence while. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. She's coming off a bit desperate, really. Sure. I don't like this for her.

Absolutely. Someone needs to give her a little rose and just be like, go into your room for a while. Just jerk it. I learned at the sex toy store that. Sassy sensations in Youngtown, Ohio. Don't ask. That apparently some manufacturers have discontinued the rose because it was like tearing women's clits.

She said tearing them off. I can't even imagine. Taring them off. That's what she said. And I said, you're joking. And she said, I've been doing this a long time. And I was like, that's not the same thing. But okay.

No, I can't imagine. And then I thought you've been doing this a long time, huh? Working here in the jerk off store. Hey, Doc, I tug it till a stink. Can you sew it back on? Oh. What do you do? Can you reattach a...

I don't want to think about it. We don't have to think about it. I don't think it happened. Also, you promised to say, not to say, Tug-It Till It stinks about clits and vulva. I didn't promise. You asked me not to.

You said, okay. He's just saying okay to you. Go back and listen to the tape. There was no pinky swears. All right. So she's in her room, and this guy comes in with a knife. He wants the key.

Yeah. She doesn't know what the thing. the key is. I don't know what the key is. No one knows that it's a key. Except for people who've already watched the movie. I think we know what the key is. I think we know what the key is, right?

I mean, look at anything in the first. The thing it opens in a very distinctive pattern that we have seen on other things. Have we seen this in the beginning? Yes, we have. Yes, we have. Yeah, well. Oh, my God. And then they fight and a bunch of things sets on fire.

Right. And she tries to go back for the map, but they don't need the map because Brendan Fraser knows. I am the map. I am the map? I am the map? Yeah. Yeah. And then I,

then everyone jumps into the water. That there are horses on this boat, which is a real fucking nightmare. I just said that to you. How did they get, I was just about say that? I don't know. How did they get them in the water?

Okay. I was just about to say that to you. AKA I said it in my mind. She said it with her brain. Did you get it? Did you get it? Did you get it? You stupid naive bit.

You stupid naive bit. How did they get them in the water? Wait. But the brother is able to bungle his way and to catch him. a dude on fire and then stealing the key from him. Yes. Yes. So he gets a little box. Second time he's done this because he got it from O'Connell at the beginning. He's so sticky-fingered. Yeah. He's just a little weasel. Just a little weasel.

He's not watered down so he's dying of thirst. That's a sticky fingers joke for all you onyx fans out there. Wait, did they do, let the boys be boys. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Sticky fingers. He says I'm not watered down so I'm dying of thirst. I don't know that one. Slam! Sticky fingers, are you here with us right now? They all walk to a close island that was fortunately right there when they fell off this boat. Sure. And we learned that Benny and his squad of Americans are on the wrong side of the Nile, I'm assuming.

I would think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And Brendan Fraser and Evelyn and the other. other guys are on the right side. And there's no bridges, I guess. No, I guess not. Yeah. But it's fine, because everyone will show up with the space they're going to at the same time. Same time, yeah. I'd be really worried about crocodiles. That's the whole thing I would be thinking about. Snakes, man, snakes, ask, right? Isn't that what got my girl Cleopatra for me in a former life?

I don't know. No, always a redneck. I don't know. Sun sure does come fast, come up fast in here in Egypt. I know. It does go up fast. But I like this little bit of it, like when the sun comes up, it reveals this like plateau. That is cool. Yeah. Is Humanahtra? Haumanoptra. Yeah. Hamanopcha. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, how do they sleep on those moving camels? How are you supposed to sleep on a moving camel? You just do. We've all slept on a camel. We all have done it. Are camels fast? I think they can be. I really think they can run very fast. They've got those like toes that are, They have two toes or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That are like specifically good for running in the sand. I think they're actually going to be very fast. Okay, cool. I don't know. I assume they're still there, but for years there were wild camels in like Arizona. Wow. Someone had brought camels. I'm sure the Republicans have murdered them by now.

I can't imagine. Then things filled with oil. Let me see. Oh, this one isn't, how about that one? I heard there's a trans athlete in there, kill it. Oh, this camel's trying to compete in women's sports. And as we all know, that is my passion. That's the thing I care the most about.

Name a women's athlete. Huh? Caitlin. I sure do hate Villiers Williams Williams. Does that count? Oh, man. We live in an interesting times. Someone says, what does a woman know?

Because I wrote, what does a woman know? Indeed. Oh, I wrote that too. Oh, so there is a specialist with the Americans who is an Egyptologist. You know that because he is wearing a funny little A fez. Red hat. A fez, yeah.

Did you notice when he was waiting for the race? Did you see that shot? He was like literally, they were all on horses and he was on the super teeny tiny donkey. Aw, cute. Like a Shreter. I love don't. He looked like a Shrider. That's exactly what he looked like with a little hat on.

Anyways, but yeah. He is not a good person. He is not a good person. He is not a good. They are cute. I think they're really cute. she does a mirror trick she's like this is the ancient Egyptian mirror trick

and I was like mirrors I like it yeah yeah you can polish up some metal here yeah I guess you gotta put that eyeliner on somehow I can do it in mirror yeah I can just free ball that what do you no I can barely do it with a mirror that one dude for Pete Wentz

what do you Pete Wentz I'm not Pete Wentz I'm not Peter Wentz I think this is the same part where I noticed where the slide like it looked like a slide show cutting in and out like a fancy slide show from the 90s. Like how like, did you notice that?

How they were like, they come, it would like this, it would like come on an angle to switch out in and out of the scenes. Oh, I didn't even notice that. And I noticed it right then

with the mirrors. Okay. The mirrors, they put the mirrors down and then he jumped in and it slid down. Huh. And it does it throughout the whole movie. Slide wipe.

Yeah. Never noticed that. Interesting. Hmm. She knows all the ancient secrets. Sure. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love the idea of the mirrors lighting up the room. And you hear the bug skittering. away from this is extremely Temple of Doom vibes down here and I I know it's a shit movie but I love Temple of Doom yeah so same girl yeah it's a shit movie it's not nearly as good as the others but I love Temple of Doom it's a fun ride some might say it's my favorite some might say it's my favorite too yeah I think that's why we do this podcast yeah yeah yeah I know it's racist as hell it's racist as hell and there's no sexy Nazi lady but there is a sexy uh fuck who's the sexy lady in that uh Willie but I don't A wife of Stephen Spielberg? Why can't I remember a fucking name?

I never knew it. I'm going to say Kim Cottrell, but that's not it. It's definitely not Kim Cottrell. I'm matching Kim Cottrell in that rule. From mannequin to Temple of Doom. Kim Cottrell in a big trouble and little China. She's great in that. Except just get a woman with green eyes.

We exist. Yeah. Are you looking up the woman from... I'm looking up Stephen Spielberg's wife. Is that what you want to be looking? Temple of Doom. Yeah. That's more to type, see.

Spielberg. Wikipedia. Stephen Spielberg. Kate Capshaw? Kate Capshaw. Along with the bug skittering, their muttering voices. Yes. Spooky.

What are they saying? I don't know. I don't know. And then there's a bunch of dudes pointing guns at each other. As you do. Fun for them. The woman has to get betwixted them and say, why don't we share? Yeah.

Oh, what a good idea. It's a good thing they have a woman in this movie. Good thing they have a woman. To keep everyone from killing each other in the third scene. You know? well don't worry these guys are about to die anyway because they're going to open the thing even though the fess guy tells them not to yeah sure and then prison dude's going to go off on his own even doesn't he tell him to isn't he like open it faster no well i think the americans are like open it

faster but the british guy wearing the fez is like don't open it we don't know send these brown men yeah that's awful that's what it is all looking very terrified in the corner they know what's gonna happen why are they on this crusade why would they agree to this no they know what's happening Also, check for traps. Everybody who's ever played a single game of Dungeons and Dragons knows that. Check for traps. No one checks for traps at all in this whole movie. No, no, I saw Naria 10 foot pole.

Neri a 10 foot pole. And then the one jailer weasily guy, when those bug is crawling into his eye, that haunts me in my life. I think about that a lot. Anytime I feel anything in my eye, I feel like it's a bug coming up my cheek and going into my eyeball. Oh, no, you've got bad eyes too. I know.

So they are now, they're going to share, the prison dude is off on his own, he gets the scarab that goes into his body. I love this. Because he finds, like, some, this is very D&D because he finds the, like, them hidden as jewels in a wall. Yes. And, like, I love that popping noise it makes. I love that. And when the one hits the sand, it's like, ooh, by the way, I'm also a murder beetle. Yeah.

Why wasn't I murdering while I was in the wall? Don't fucking ask. Don't ask these questions. You got a lot of questions later. I don't know, because sometimes it happens when they open, later on, they just open. take one off, the brother takes one off and puts in his hand and it starts crawling. So I don't know. They just need to be taken from the wall?

No, but they don't go in his bag. They don't open up in his bag. No, you're right. There's literally so many things that don't make sense. Okay. When you really pay attention. So the Americans have their, like, the guys who are working for them open the crypt. Oh, they get mummy dusted. They get mummy dusted. And at the same time,

brother Jonathan is inventing the game of golf and knocks a mummy out of the the ceiling. Smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it.

Isn't that later, though? Because then don't they all, like, go out and get drunk together? Yeah, they find the bottle of scotch, right? Yeah. In the, in the guy's bag. In the prison guy's bag. Sure. And that's when she fights with the one guy.

And she says the line, like, when he asks what she is, she's like, I'm a librarian. I don't even remember how it comes up. It's like the best thing. I am a librarian. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, sir, I am a librarian. I love that.

I too don't know when to say no when it comes to brown liquor. No, it's hard. It's hard to say. It's hard to say no. Don't touch it. Yeah, that's not an option for me. Not an option. That's cute that you think that's the choice.

Yeah. No. That's cute. Cute. She goes to kiss. She goes, I am a librarian and I am going to kiss you and then puts her face right into his dick. It falls to safe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Any air kisses. right for the D. No, she passed out. Yeah. I thought she was going for the T. Nah.

No. No. Kish you, give you a blowy right now. It was the 20s. I don't know what they called it. I wasn't alive back then. Nope.

I believe that was a tuck-and-till-sink situation. The more you say it, the worse it gets. It's getting bad. It's never going to get good. There's never going to be a point where you're like, ha-ha-ha-tuck-tent-sink. Tuck-till-s-sink. They find, at this point they have found Imetep's tomb because they said that he's in a sarcophagus buried at the base of Anubis.

They said it's someone of great importance who has done something very naughty. Right. Isn't this the golfing brings him down? Yes. The golfing brings him down. Right. And so the chest is cursed. Right.

Death will come on swift wings to whomever to whomesoever opens his chest. I love that phrase. Death will come on swift wings. Sure. That's real good. I love the book, too. They bring out the book of the dead. and it's got hinges on both sides of it.

I do like that. And then you use the key to open it. Yeah. That is cool. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't understand when they open the mummy up, though, why he's so juicy. They say it.

They say it. In unison. But it literally has nothing to do with anything. Again, nothing to do with a lot. Yeah, because the thing is that he has to take on more people to become juicy. Juicier. Juicier. Who's even juicing down there, you know?

We don't know. That's the thing. is that for 3,000 years he had stayed juicy. Ah. The scarabs only ate him down to a certain juice level and then left him alone. They quit. All right. Don't know.

He needs fluids and shit to regenerate. I don't know. The curse of the chest that the hirelings opened that the Americans are now looking at says that anybody who looks in this chest will have their organs assimilated into M-Hoccur. tap. Right. And Benny runs at this point. So once again,

Benny is the coward running away. Smart. I would have ran to. Yeah, Rock. Fucking run. Taking his little John Waters' mustache. He's going on. I would have ran at all these situations.

That actor's name is like Kevin O'Connell. It is Kevin J. O'Connor. Kevin O'Connor. He's from Chicago. Yeah. No, no. He's, uh,

what was he? Polish? What was he? I have no idea. I have no idea. In Syrian. No. No.

No. No. I like that Jonathan, the brother is mad that they, the other, that the Americans found treasure and they only found a mummy as though a mummy would be worthless? Yeah. Yeah.

Bro, you work in a museum. Well, this is back in the day when mummies were just a fucking dime a dozen. Were they? Oh, in the 30s? Come on now. Is it? I don't know. In the 20s or whatever this is supposed to be?

I wasn't alive then. Now they're back outside in their little tents. Yeah. And the wind comes when the wind. Do you remember the wind? Like the wind comes and goes all the time. And then Brendan Fraser like quotes it being like, I miss that. The wind comes so much.

He just, like, says it. Like, I think that was improv. Because it was like, he's just like, there's a lot of wind here. Fraser known for his little bon motes. When Evelyn wakes up the mummy, the wind comes, you know? When she reads the books. Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

She should know. Every time someone says something, the fire goes, yeah, and then he quotes it. That happens a lot. And he's like, there's a lot of wind. Yeah. Never read the words out loud. And, no.

read it in your head. And the guy with the fez is like, you must not read from the book. And she's like, fuck you. And then you hear the camels crying. And I was like, oh, you better be hurting those fucking camels. They forked hard today.

I guess spit on people. In the box with the book of the dead is also the organs of, what's her name? A noxunamoon. Thank you. And so, yes, those organs are now being passed around

amongst people as well. And they each seem to just take one. Everyone take one. Little souvenirs. A little souvenir. Yeah, everyone take one. Everyone take one. I mean, in the time of the great, like, robbing of the Egyptian tombs,

sure. White people was just taking one. Just take one. But they only just took one. They went along. See, museum, comma, British. Having been to the British Natural History Museum in England, that shit is filled with this shit.

Everywhere. Yeah. It's bananas. Yeah, they should give some of that back. The whole movie's just about white people fucking things up. It really is. The whole movie. Yeah.

But Americans are also. Even Evelyn, who's like a smart person with a good intention, she still fucks up. She's the main fucker off. She ruins the whole thing. She's the one who does it. Because then brows. She can't be trusted. Can't be trusted.

People with weird brows. Yeah. Why brows? That's true. That's true. One of the Americans has lost his glasses. Sure. Over an hour into this.

Oh, yeah. What I went to peeve for a little bit. Oh, yeah. This place also, this also terrifies me. I think about this all the time. Losing your glasses are off. I would just be fucked. Sure.

Or like what happens at the end of the world comes. Like, and I'm going to run out of contacts and my glasses are eventually going to break. And you tried to get LASIC and they told you no. They told me no. They said your eyes are too screwed. Die, bitch. And that's because of this movie that I tried to do that. Yeah.

Because I was like, when I'm being chased by a mummy, I'm going to need my eyes. I'm not going to have time to change my contacts out. In a lot of my nightmares, I see as though I don't have glasses on. And I'm like terrified of them. It's horrible. Yeah. Well, now you get to think about this scene. And then I wake up and I obviously don't have my glasses on.

I can't see. Zombies are real. It's happening now. Right now. Yes, this fellow loses his glasses and now he's being hunted by Imhotep. M. Hotep eats all of his organs and gets a little thicker. That's later. He comes back and gets them later.

He just his eyes and tongue. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. And then there's some scarabs and then Evelyn falls through a trap door. This is all very extremely Temple of Doom.

I love it. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. She spins around. Almost like they're using it as a template.

Almost. Template of doom. Temple of doom. And then the mummy comes after her. I have my notes. I don't know how often I was taking notes. I was also doing a little bit of, I had some other things I was doing. Why were you paying exact attention to this movie?

I'm working on learning to crochet. Oh, come on. How about the important things? The foresau of anti-Semitism that comes up here. Oh, I missed it. So, Benny is confronted with an emotep. Oh, I love that part. And he brings up all the religions.

He's bringing up all the religions. And he brings up a star of David. And Imhotep says, I have this handful of gold. Would you like that? Oh. No, I think that's, I don't think that's to do with a religion, though. But I think that's... Why did he wait till he...

Jews and gold? Yeah, Jews and gold. Why did he wait for the star of David to say, here's some money? Oh, I didn't really think of it now. Although, wait. I think he was just like going... He's just like... He's going through all the religions and speaking their own language, like the language of all the religions.

I don't know, man. I felt like... Oh, I mean, it could be. I don't think... I think that was just like he was just going through it and it just happened to be, that was the order. He did say the language of the slaves, which I thought was interesting.

Sure. Which is Hebrew, right? Hebrew, but also here's some gold. Great. But he does do like all the language. I don't know. I don't know. I don't really think of it.

I'll rewatch it. Well, maybe Imhotep is racist. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's a bad thing. Sure. Sure. I'm sure. I'm sure of all the things.

Oh, is Imhotep a anti-Semite? 100%. Probably. Probably. Yeah. Chances are high. He's also a giant, which I just don't believe, because ancient Egyptians, they can't be that tall. No, no, no.

Ancient anybody is not that tall. No. No. No. So now we're back in Cairo and there's a sandstorm or something approaching. I love how much sand is happening. It told you there'd be a lot of sand. Stresses me out.

A lot of sand. There's a lot of sand in this. Yes. Sand makes me anxious. Yeah, I know. We're not supposed to live where there's sand, except the beach. Well, you don't live on it. No.

No, no. And that's only very little. And then there's hurricanes and shit. No, stay away from sand. Yeah. That's just what it is. Yeah. Sand is basically a warning for human beings.

Yeah. Sand is like, you want to see what we did to glass? Fuck this. Yeah. This. We see what we do to your skin. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what sand is like. So we've realized that the 12 deadly plagues are going to be 10. It's 10. Sorry. It's 10. And I have a note here to ask Vicky, um, how many, plagues we had, but then I looked it up and it was 10. You know what?

Are these 10 biblical? Yeah, the 10 biblical. I don't remember like fireballs being a plague or the, there wasn't locus and flies. Are you sure? You went to Catholic school. I didn't, so I'm going to trust you on this. Yeah, you are. You really are.

Well, we get water turning to blood, which was definitely a one of them. That was a plague. Locus was a plague. I don't remember the solar eclipse thing. I know the thing like the last one was them killing the first born. The Niles of blood. That one. Invasion of frogs.

Sam Elliott's dick Nats from the dust I think that's the flies Teams of flies That's the flies Pestilence of livestock Infection of boils Stormer

We get the boils Storm of hail Not quite Oh is that the fireball Maybe that was what they wanted With the fireballs coming down Remember the fireballs? I don't remember that one

They were like Hale isn't that exciting No If there's no cars for it to dent No true Swarms of Locust Three Days of Darkness And then death of the firstborn

Okay Yeah yeah well we got a little learning in today i don't know yeah fuck it you probably shouldn't know so it seems like the mummy's just kind of trying to flirt with uh evelyn yes i love it he's just trying to like get his swerve on yeah he's trying he's trying to seduce her he doesn't make her go he also seems to think that she is noxunamun no moon yes i don't think he i think he knows that they're different people he but he needs a female sacrifice to like take the place but like but why why why he trying to fuck her?

at the same time. Why not? Why would you not fuck your sacrifice? I would. You're going to kill them anyway. Especially if you look like Evelyn. Especially if it's a goat. What?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Why not? Why not? Fuck it. So this is where... You guys since weighed me. They're like fighting like a couple, like a married couple.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, you guys don't even know each other. Why are you fighting like this? No, this is not. This is a toxic relationship. No, one of you, you don't both have to stay here. If one you want to leave, go and the other can stay. You can do whatever you want.

It's real. What? I know. I know. All right. And I don't know when it comes in about the whole cat situation, but I have something to say about that. That just pops up out of nowhere, gets used once and then disappears. It comes up, I think, twice. Okay. But it only works until he's regenerated.

And he's also only going after the people who took all the little parts and he's taking, who opened his treasure, which was the body parts of an oxygen and a moon. So my, why didn't they all just carry a cat with him in perpetuity? You know, cats are easy to come by. Just get a baby Bjorn and throw a cat in and walk around. I have a cat that would do that. Absolutely. I went to the cat cafe today and I found a couple that would do that. And one literally wrapped around my neck.

I know, you sent me a photo. Oh yeah. Did I? That was for someone else. What? No, that was for you. No, that was for you. Fuck on.

No, that was for you. I thought I sent it to Justin, but now I'm... Tag it's stinky. It was. It was for you. See? You got it. No, I'm mad.

maybe that's how we have to use it. I just think I forgot I sent that to you. All right. What I'm saying is wouldn't that have made more sense? It would have made sense. And also like maybe just like leave the organs somewhere instead of continuing to carry them around with you. Yeah, but they don't know. They don't know that's a bad thing to have those. They think they're just this is their money maker. I think he says it at one point. I mean they took it they took their friends organs. It took all the organs. It sucks them up and then it takes their organs. Listen. Americans? You can tell them everything you want. We're not going to listen to dick shit about fuck all. Stupid organs. Especially when we're in your country because when we come to your country it's still America.

It's still America. We mean this American. This is American land. Stupid Americans. I did say that. One of these dumb Americans each have one of his organ bots. So we learned that the curator

is in fact a secret magi. He's down with the magi. Maygai. Because Magi is the gold frank and sense to America. I don't know. No, I think you're right.

Because I remember them saying magi and I was like, isn't it? It's different. I don't remember, but I don't really remember which the religious one is anymore. It doesn't matter. I'm confused now. It genuinely does not. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he's part of an ancient secret society who is keeping Imotep from being resurrected. Uh-huh. He should have burned that paper a little better. Yeah. He had more opportunities to stop Evelyn. He did not. He did not. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She is the human sacrifice. Mm-hmm. This is a great line from Benny where he says it's better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path. And I thought, fuck yeah, Benny. I think I don't even remember that one.

That's great. Yeah, he's just saving himself. Is this before or after he kicks Rick in the balls and jumps out a window? I don't know. Is this where he's trying to hold him up into the ceiling fan? Like the ceiling fan's going to decapitate him. Can that happen? No, no, the ceiling fan just stops.

I know. As someone who is six foot two, the ceiling fan just stops. He's like holding him up like it's going to do something. Like it's an industrial. Yeah. It's a plane propeller. I know. Also, someone says something to Jonathan about like, oh, yeah, he's in there talking about

bringing his dead girlfriend back to life or, nah, it's something about your sister. I love it. There's a lot of good little lines in here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This movie is chock-a-block with good little lines. But yes, the cat his is at him and he's done so. He's out.

I don't know why they don't just all care. catarone constantly. It seems like the best defense. Yeah, because his shitty CGI mouth are just going to open up real big and he'd be like, no. We don't have to keep showing that. You could just not show that part. It doesn't look good. Even in 1999, it didn't look

good. It didn't need to happen. But he's almost full. It's his thing. It's his thing. It happens throughout the whole. It's a thing. He's almost full because he's almost eaten all the Americans he needs to eat. Yes. And I love when the scarab comes out and he has like one part and then goes back in his mouth and he choose it. Sure.

See that? That's great. I did see that. That's a great part. Well, my next note does say doing a bit of zoning out here. Hope that's okay with everyone. That's probably why I have the note that says, and mouth bugs. And mouth bugs.

See, that's what it is. That's what that was for. So she chooses to go with Willie Zane. Yes. Why? Because he's like, you can come with me or I will kill all of your friends. Yeah. And I would save myself in that situation.

Because from your brother. Fuck Brendan Fraser. You don't even know these people. She's still waiting to fuck Brendan Fraser. I don't think getting to fuck Brendan Fraser sometime in the future is worth putting your own life at risk. She holding out for it. She holding out for it. I know.

I'm just saying, I'm just giving you my stance. But then he tries to kill him anyways. He says kill him. Oh, no. He does send the boil boys after him. Did you get invited to Uncle Dan's holiday dinner? Oh, no.

We can't talk about this right now. We'll talk about this later. We'll talk about this later. Oh, I'm out of town. Oh, great. Excellent. Are you? You're not going.

I think we might be. I don't know. Okay, we'll take Lucy. Okay, I'll bring, I will bring Lucy. Thank you. So this is where then they decide when the Boyle boys are coming after them to jump into the grate. Yeah. In my mind, I thought, why don't you just do

this before? Yeah, he pulls open a manhole cover. You know, when they do that before? Yeah. Great question. Okay, and then this is where Winston comes in. I love Winston. He's ready to die. He is ready to die. He is ready to die. Yeah. This is the curator. No.

No. He was the guy with the mustache in the airplane. Mm-mm. From the Royal. Oh, he's drunk. Because he wanted to die when all of his friends died. Yes. And he was like, he's like constantly drunk.

Yeah. So you're like, I love him. I'll just get in this plane with this drunk man. There's not that much to hit in the air, you know? Safer in a plane with a drunk man than in a car. I mean, maybe. What about if you're strapped to the wing of the airplane? I mean, isn't that Sully Sullenberger?

Sully did. Is he wasn't drunk? I know. Oh, my fucking serious. Sully, the name of Sully Sullenberger. I think he was drunk. No. he's Tom Hanks.

He landed that baby on the Hudson. I thought he had a drink. No. You're thinking of the Dentsa Washington movie that I'm also representing. Oh, yeah. He saved the playful of people when he was drunk at the time. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

I'm thinking of Tom Hanks. Miracle on the Hudson. I'm the captain now. Yes, that is exactly it. I would like to say that their opinions of Sully Sullenberger do not represent mine. I think he's a real American hero. Also, there's a, we gloss over it.

there's a point earlier where Imhotep is sneaking into Evelyn's room and he does it by pouring himself as sand through a rock. Yes, I love that. I love it again. But then he kisses her while she's like out. Everyone kisses her without her permission. Then his mouth becomes like goopy. I don't know why that has to happen. It's juicy.

It's juicy. But not in a good way. But not in a good way. It's more like juicy. Not juicy. Let's go back to Winston. Okay. Let's go back to Winston.

Okay. So they go to meet up of Winston. Vener of. Yeah. Okay. And then the wall of sand happens. Yeah. Aye, aye. Which I want to tell you they tried to do again in the Tom Cruise one.

Ooh, I don't remember that. Did that one also have Willie Zane's face in it as this one did? I don't think I remember seeing a face. And I was like, this is stupid. I don't know why they had to do again. I mean, that Tom Cruise version, except that it didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense. It was so much.

He said Tom Hanks. Leave that man out of this. Sorry. Tom Cruise. Tom's true. He's silly silver. Stop it. Little side fact.

Little side fact. fact. Tom Cruz almost got casted for Brennan Frazier's character for this first one. For this first one. Man, what a shittier movie it would have been. I know. Thank God. His charm is what keeps it going, really. I agree. I agree. I agree. All right, that's it. Okay, so the sand

quick sand or the sandstorm happens. Yeah, okay. Crashes the plane. She kisses him now. She, everyone knows you can use a mummy by smooching them. A smart. We all do it every day. It's how I keep the mummies at day. I can confuse everybody by kissing them. I go down. I do.

Oh, you're going to kiss Dr. Dana at the dentist. I'm just going to be like, no gold tooth. Here you come. Are you thinking I have a cavity? So Winston dies. Rip Winston.

And of course it's quicksand. He's so happy. Wait, did you guys think quicksand was going to be a bigger problem in your life? Yes. All the time. Do you remember never ending story? Yes. Aw.

Come on. I was, I was sad. Don't bring up a training. I was not sad when that horse died. Oh my God. That's because you don't like. Would I be?

I was like, look, look at Ray, you're better off. What about the Elizabethan princess when she's about to go away? Oh, I'm like, you know, curse and hair, I don't know. I do love that movie. God damn,

I love that movie. I know. The second one? What a fall off. Jonathan Brandis, yeah? What a fall off. Rip, God rest his soul. Is he not with us anymore?

Yeah, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, a long time ago, long time ago. I'm sorry. Kid stars, you know, drugs. Sure. No, got. It's got to be awful. Got to be awful.

Very common. Got to be off. We're at Winston. I know. Okay, so we're back in the temple. There's a very long sword fighting scene. I mean, that just goes on way too long. Yeah.

Yeah. And we can skip over all that. The bro gets infected with a scarab, but they cut the scarab out. Yes. This is even an issue that if you just cut them out. How about them lighting a match on his face? Can you do that? Is it like a beer thing?

Stubble, for sure. This is really something. Not a match is not modern matches. No, no. There's the strike anywhere match that you could like light off your jeans. This is really a thing. People would light it off the bottom of their shoes. For sure.

100%. But modern matches have to be put against, what is that, Flint or whatever. I don't know what a matchbook is made of. Sandpaper or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. You need a rough service.

But yeah, you can... I'll get you some for your birthday. Yeah. I was like, you will burn your house down. I'm not getting you any. Don't do that. Your youngest child will find them.

I'll give up in flames. I'll be like, look at this, Elizabeth. I miss one. pyro period. That was a really good period. I can't wait for Lizzie to go through her. I think Elizabeth would be in it if I allowed her to be. Yes.

Is that much of the thing for females? I think Elizabeth, particular children. My second child or second child? Not my first. I lit a lot of shit on fire. She's in a performance face. She's always in a performance face. Oh my kids.

Anyways. Flush them down the toilet. Flush him down the toilet. I would if it wouldn't fuck up my plumbing. So this is also where Benny, Kevin O'Connor. I have. Okay, this is another fact.

Here comes a fact. And he's like stealing all the treasure and shit. And then he goes out to his camel and he tries to like get him to, he tries to like get him to, apparently that was also not scripted. And in real life, they all had their own camel that they learned and trained with. Oh, nice. And him and his camel did not get along. Apparently that was really what happened is he was like pulling him along and he just

wouldn't go. I love that. We just, Vicky and I recently just watched the Vividch and I was telling her about how black Philip was the worst actor in the movie and was like ruining everybody. Didn't he like break Ralph Edison's ribs or something? Oh yeah. Literally.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, I love that movie. That is a good movie. So good. That is a really good movie. Oh, man.

Pulp that baby. Pulp that baby. I'm tired. This is too long. It does go longer than I remember. There's a lot of like CGI mummy fighting going on that I'm just not into. I feel like part of it when he's fading the skeletons is like a tribute to the Ray Harryhausen effects in.

Jason and the Argonauts. But it's not because it's CGI and Ray Harryhausen spent years making that scene. The choreography is not there like a hairy house that they would have to be. And how about like then when he breaks her out of the chains with the sword? Yeah.

Can you do that? Break these large-ass chains with a little sword? Alan, you're a swordman. You know about swords. Tell me about swords. In this movie where mummies, yes. And now he's mortal. He is mortal.

He is mortal. He hath risen. Oh, boy. Imhattab rises for our sins. I know. Uh-huh. Because she does a thing to make his soul go away. Because a chariot comes and takes his soul away.

What did she do to make that happen? She reads out of the book of Umin Ra. Yeah, the book of life or whatever it is. Instead of the book of the dead. It's the book of Oman Ra. And they had been switched. Yeah. Right.

One was under Horace, right? Yes. Horace old fellow is the brother. says, we're a old fellow. Where have you been? Stupid dummy. But yeah,

and this is where we show how well women are at multitasking. She's fighting off an Auxuna moon and translating what her brother is speaking to her

is the visual language. And we can assume trying not to fuck Brendan Fraser. And trying not to. That's also going on in the back. She's just such a good multitasker.

You're right about that. None of these guys can even do their one job. And earlier in the movie, we heard that there was a single switch in the city that would bury it forever. Yeah, why would you build that? I don't remember hearing that.

I watched this so many times. It's earlier in the movie. And then Benny comes in with his saddlebags filled with gold and puts them on an obvious switch. It's like the wall had a dick. He sticks his bags on there and it triggers the switch that then makes everything happen of the city starts shrinking and falling. chaos ensued very Indiana Jones at this point

because people have to run under doors I don't like that that's the worst part about this whole movie You think so Oh yeah being crushed to death Oh absolutely

I'd way rather be sucked dry by a mummy Nah Giles Corrie me forever More weight More weight Excuse me Waiter More weight

More weight And then the Mad Majai guy Guy shows up And he's like hey You guys are in my respect Yes, but it was their fucking fault. Why? They did everything wrong. You should have shot him at the beginning.

Last minute. And they didn't even fix this. No, they didn't. Because guess what? There's two more mummies. But don't worry. They got to drive away on that camel with Benny's cold on the moon. They sure do.

And she sits side saddle on his lap. She's not even sitting in his lap. She's like draped over him. Camel. I know. That doesn't look comfortable. No, it's awful. She's sitting on him like my dog does when I get home from work.

Just like, Where have you been? And they snitch. It's whatever. Jonathan is so grossed out. He's dry heaving in the back. He's like, oh, my virgin sister. They smooch so much.

Like, too, like, hey, guys, we're just going over there. What are we doing here? We just move it at all. When you're hanging out with your friends and they just start making out? Oh, I love it. I love it. Tug it till it stinks. Ugh.

I look how fast we went through the end. Yeah. I mean, the end is forever long and really. It is forever long. There's way too. I do agree. There's way too much fighting. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, good news. Guys, guess what? Vicky. Guess what? I have good news. What? There are talks of them both coming back for the mummy four.

Yeah. There are two sequels to this already. I didn't realize there was a third. There's also an offshoot. In the Scorpion King off shoot. Is that the Rock, Duane. Yes. It was like his big introduction.

The Rock, Duane Johnson. The Rock, Joan Johnson. It was like his big into movies was being the Scorpion King. He's still a hair. Mm-hmm. All right. Yeah, there's two more. But I don't know.

I hear the second one is not great. Nah. The third one is trash. Okay. The third one is the one with Jet Lee and the like Terracotta Army in China. Yeah, I don't like that. And it is very, very bad. Yeah.

Are Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weiss in all of them? I think they're in the second. They're in the second one. I don't think they're both in the third one. I think just he is. And this is just trying to get work. Next one coming out. They're supposed to both be in.

Wow. I'm glad he's, I'm really glad he's getting. a renaissance. Sure. I really hope it happens. That would be huge. I would say this is a cult classic. I don't think it's a cult classic. I don't think you know in a cult classic. Just in my house. Vicki. Can you explain on a cult classic? I don't really know. Don't tell me. Don't tell. So we do a ratings phase. Oh, I know. And it's a it's one to ten. We can I tell you something? Yeah. I brought the ratings phase into my book club. I love that. I love that. So you owe us money. Uh, no. You owe me. I don't think that's true.

So what rating would you give to Brendan Fraser's The Mummy? Ten. Ten. I love it. That's fine. It's your fave. I have some issues with it, but it's fine. I like it the way it is.

It doesn't have to be perfect. I like it the way it is. That's lovely. That's lovely. No, that's really pretty. No, why do you have to be perfect to be a 10? Katie. Oh, it's not a 10.

It's at least a nine. It's a, it's a five. It's way too long. It is a little too long. I like Egypt shit. Mm-hmm. I find the brother really off-putting. I'm going to go.

It's a five to remember for me. I think they're supposed to make the Americans look stupid. I don't think so. I think we see that with the benefit of hindsight. It's a post-9-11 world, you know, now. Would I be allowed to split the diff and give this a seven? Yes. Yeah.

I think it's fun. That would be a seven and a half, to be fair. Split the diff, seven and a half. It's seven. Oh, good. It's fun. It's silly. Yeah.

It's a good time. It's a good time. If you love the Indiana Jones movie. Why not watch the Indiana Jones knockoff movie? Is the Scorpion King also an Indiana Jones knockoff? No, the Scorpion King is shit, if I remember correctly. You've seen this movie? Scorpion King.

Oh, yeah, I've seen them all. Little too much CGI. Who are you? I mean, this was me in my teen days. I don't know. I really love the Scorpion King. I don't know. She's still in her teen days.

I'm still teen. That's right. With all this gray hair. Botox that I get. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Talk to me in again, Botox.

You want to do this again next week, but without Vicky? do I Thanks a lot I'll see you guys next year What are gonna do next week Let's do The movie that the wife of the writer in Picked because he

He wouldn't let her watch her movies Unless we had covered them And I thought that was kind of fucked Wait what? It's available on Tubby Tubby Tubby TV It's called Pornow it's from 2019 In order to search for this

You have to search for porno horror movies and you might not find what you're looking for. Listen, don't just... We have to be people of our word. Don't just type in porno movie into your phone. Don't do that. I mean, or do it.

Amazing what's out there. So come back for that. Vicki, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. I love you. Thanks for having us. Thank you, I love you as well. Next year we'll do a rom-com.

I'm down. I'm down. Okay, we're back into it. I have nothing else to give. Besides that. we're not going to just do the mummy too I don't like that okay fine sequels aren't great

but I don't like a rom-com and what I don't know oh my god y'all we're getting dangerously close to the runtime of the mommy mummy we gotta stop this thank you so much for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance thank you to Vicky catch us on god-awful movies again this week we are doing a guest spot

for some bat-shit-looking movie I haven't watched it yet some Neil Breen movie Anyway, catch us and god-offal movies. Love those guys. Yeah. Yeah. And thanks you, thank you again, Vicky, for doing this. Thank you.

Thank you. This is fun. All right. Bye. Bye. Thank you for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance. Clear. Empty.