Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 548- Porno (2019)

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

WE'RE BACK BABIES!

You know, I just felt like while the film Melania was out, I just didn't think it was right to talk about other movies. Sure. In honor of the First Lady of America. In honor of the First Lady of America and her hardships in the, what, 26 days before the inauguration. Did you watch? No, I'll watch it later. We're going to do that movie at some point, right? A, we're pirating it.

She gets no money from us. Oh, my God, not a penny. I'm mad enough that I have to pay it. taxes. Oh my God. B. Oh, shit. Speaking of fucking shit bags. Did you see the Kid Rock JFK or RFK Jr.

Workout? Did I? He's fucking Uncle Frank. He fucks in jeans. He fucks with jeans on. What a piece of shit. What a piece of shit. Oh, man, we're surrounded by pieces of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Wait, what was B for the Melania movie? Oh, yeah, we're getting drunk

for that. Oh, God, yes. There will be no soriety when I watch that movie. There's been very little sobriety for me lately, frankly. I apologize for the absence of the last month. You guys have been with me since I was 30 years old. So as many of you may know or have guessed Rob and I split up, which is okay. It's as amicable as it can be. Nobody's a bad guy. But I had a meltdown. So had to take some time. 100% understandably. Yeah, dude. But how, back to talk about. Porno.

Porno. Pornow. We landed on this movie about two fucking months ago, maybe three, maybe three. Whomst can say amongst us. Time is a flat circle, just like the earth. Thanks, Matthew McConaughey. He probably is a flat earther. Yeah, why wouldn't he be?

I bet he claims he drove and saw the wall. The ice wall that holds in the oceans? Yeah, wait, is that what it is? Somebody on our subreddit explained, or on our Discord, explained to me how flat-earthers think. And I was like, whoa. It's worse than I thought. It's worse than I thought.

This was a movie selected by the wife of a listener who wrote in because he wouldn't watch movies that we hadn't covered. And so she never got to pick movies. And I thought that was a bit of a low blow. And umpogo. So we said she could pick a movie. She fucking picked this. Yeah.

Oh. So out of the game. Out of the gate. You try Googling porno movie. My first note says, oh boy, oh boy, Googling this movie brought up porn hubs horror movie selection. And I thought, oh, do I dare? I have yet to dare, but I'm lonely, so I will. I remember this was many, many, many years ago when I was still reading Roomorg magazine.

Oh, yeah. And they did an entire like spread on horror movie porn. And I just remember the bride and Frankenstein. and going to town on each other. And it was just like, well, not my thing. So I lucked out this time. You just had like a limp dick in your hand. Your own limp dick, obviously.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I look at porn, I just get a dick out starting. Here comes the Amazon driver. Mine or someone else's. Whoever, whoever. Whomstever amongst us. Whomst ever amongst us. So this is a Shutter movie that I had to fucking rent somewhere else.

Shutter, I pay you a million dollars a year. I love that Shutter was like, now we don't want to host this one. anymore. Too many dicks. Too many dicks. It's a heck of an opening. It feels a bit inauthentic of this woman riding this man and saying like, give it to me big daddy. It sounds like the chorus to pretty fly for a white guy. Give it to me, baby. Wow. See, like, I don't know my kid's social security number, but that song will be in my head for the rest of my life. Of course. Of course. That sucks. Well, eventually, society. will collapse and you won't need to know the social security number, but you may need to know that

to get into a secret club. When offspring lyrics become currency. Copyright, copyright, copyright. Yeah, really. Yeah, so these two fucking perves are watching two people fuck in their house. And granted, I once watched a couple fuck in a hotel room parked across the street from it, but they were doing it on the main drag in my hometown. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was very weird. And you can't just do that in Newark. No, no, not when you're in the fucking The motel that's on Main Street And you're in the window, fucking

Yeah, that's intentional Oh, 100%. They were like trying to make eye contact. Oh, wow. And I was like, I'm not looking at eyes. Not looking at eyes. That's their kink. You're like, I will only look at your tits.

I'm so sorry. I was 16 and that is like one of the most vibrant memories in my brain. Yeah, that's what we call a core memory. So these are two, maybe 16. year olds. Yeah, maybe teens. Yeah.

And one of them says to the other, I can't get in trouble for this again. Again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. They show up to their job at the movie theater.

Do you ever work at a movie theater? No. Me either. No. That seems like a good gig. It seems fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And also like nobody works at them anymore. If you go to Waterworks, even if you buy a ticket ahead of time, you don't have to show it to anybody. It's true. You can just wander in. It's true.

Yeah. You do get the, the kid who like wanders in at the, during the end credits, it's just like, so, and also as the perverts are going towards their job at the movie theater, we get an ominous hand of a man in a tattered jacket on screen. So we meet the work crew. Doing their movie theater group prayer. Yeah.

Yeah. Chastity is the lady, the lone lady. No amount of makeup can conceal her love of Christ. Do you think I liked that line? Because I absolutely adored it. So from the jump, I was like, oh, is this movie made in, like, Utah? This feels like a Mormon movie. It's got Mormon vibes.

And then we meet a straight-edge kid, and I know those Mormons love straight-edge. Yeah, that's their jam. But I don't think they even call it straight-edge. They just call it regular. Well, I'm dating myself, obviously. Yeah. Well, you've got to date yourself. If you don't love yourself, who will?

This is when I enter my self-help face. Oh, God. Who did move my cheese? Listen, y'all, mine's will like parachutes. What color is mine? They only work when they're open. Oh. What color?

Isn't what color is your parrot? Yeah, yeah, all right. Well, I just didn't know. So, so, but also years ago, I remember there was like super violent straight-edge gangs in Utah. They were like box-cutting X's in people's backs and stuff. What the fuck? Yeah.

Come on. You have no excuse. You are sober. You chose not to do it. You're still a teen boy. Yeah. Which is the worst thing you can be. It's true.

Sorry to all our teen boys listeners. As a former one of you, we were the fucking word. You guys are subhuman. Oh my God. Someday you'll become human. Yeah, more human than human. Oh, when that becomes currency. So we've got Todd,

who is the redheaded kid, I think. Yes, the only one who has a link on Wikipedia because he was in the high school, the musical TV show. Oh, good for him. And Ricky, who is like the handsome one. Sure. Yeah, the baseball player. Yes.

And we've got Abe, is that thing? Abe is the other creeper. Right. Who's got the like 90s like kind of butt cut haircut. Yeah, he sure does. Oh, God, men's haircuts, boys' haircuts. When are you going to stop? Yeah, I mean, they got to do.

what they got to do, right? I guess so. Yeah. And we've got the manager whose name I did not write down. Mr. Pike, right? Mr. Pike? Okay. Mr. Pike. And then we've got Jeff. Jeff is your aforementioned Straight Edge Boy. Right. And to the film's credit, when we meet Jeff, he is listening to Hardcore, and it is Uniform's Choices, what is it, uh, straight and alert. Yeah. So I was like, all right, all right. Because I, like, heard it and I was like, I didn't recognize this. And she puts, she chastity puts his headphones on. She goes, I hate this heavy metal crap. And I thought, how many times have you had to say the line? It's not heavy metal.

It's hardcore. Probably not as many as like, what's actually atmospheric black metal? Oh, God. Yeah. You don't understand because you're not Norwegian. But I did when I was looking up a uniform choice because I went to a little deep dive on uniform choice last night when I was rewatching the movie because when you rewatch, you don't have to watch.

I only rewatch the first 17 minutes. So we're in my zone right now. Pat Dubar, the singer of Uniform Choice, his sister used to do Uniform Choices merch, like screenprinted their shirts. Sure. Turn that skill into creating the affliction clothing brand. You're joking. So she's like a Brazilian heir, made a Brazilian dollars on the back stuff like silly men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Went from straight-ed silly men to whatever affliction meant, or MMA, I guess. I think it's an MMA vibe. Yeah. It's like Ed Hardy, but for church. For buttonedowns. Was buttoned out with skull on it. Oh, fuck.

Oh, man. They're arguing over what movie they're going to watch tonight, like the crew of the movie theater once the theater closes. One of the two choices. What are the two choices? One of the two choices. InSino Man. One of the most referenced non-horror movies on this show.

Yeah. And a league of their own. A film is all in theaters. Oh, did you? Yeah, unlike Insino Man. Have you ever seen Encino? No, for sure. Okay, all right.

Just making sure. I feel like maybe it's like you've referenced it so many times that you think you've seen it, but you haven't. Hey, you've referenced it so many times. But, yeah, I was around for the heyday of Polly Shore. You wheeze the juice. Yeah, I wheeze the juice. Yeah. No wheezing the Jews.

No. What a great time to go to the movies, though. Fantastic films both. I remember thinking of the league of their own was great. I think it still is great. It may be Madonna's best performance. I mean, low bar? It's probably Rosie O'Donnell's best performance, too.

It's true. Not Gina Davis's best performance. Oh, God, what a gorgeous woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know that that's Trentivina 6,000, where you can see the majority of her bosom. Also, I'm going to do my best, but for some reason

this movie was very horny to me. Wait, it made you very horny? Yes. Why are you saying this to me? I'm just saying it was a very exciting film. Okay. Not like I had to take care of business, but I was like, you know what?

Yeah, I'm into this. Yeah, it was a thing. Well, yeah, obviously. Obviously. Obviously. So there's also, there's a little bit of a tension, so a little sexual tension. with Ricky and Chas, Chastity.

Yes. As they're breaking up the prayer circle, they've been holding hands, and she does a little linger pinky. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't seem as into it as she is. No, no, no, no. We will find out why later.

Yes, we sure will. In a very sad way. We catch up with them again outside, talking about the movie, and she says that Sean Aston was cute, but he grew up weird, and that's why she didn't want to watch Encino Man. And I was like, how fucking dare you?

He's adorable in Encino Man. He's still adorable. Yeah, for sure. Cuitous little man. Seems like a very nice man. Yeah, fucking Samwise Gamji. Yeah, right. So the straight-edge guy comes running out because they're smoking cigarettes and screams,

do you really want to show up to heaven smelling like an ashtray? And do you think I love that line? Because I did. But straight-edge and Christianity. What are you guys doing? This movie is very cheeky. And I like it. It is a horror comedy.

Sure. But I think the writing is very self-aware and I appreciate it. Yes, because Jeff explains to them his motto for how he has stayed straight edge over the past year. CBTL. CBTL. To which I wrote, Christ blows the load? Because you know he did. You know he did.

You think Christ would just walk around with full nuts? No. He's the son of God. Christ blows the load. I don't know. Christ bears the load. Christ bears the load. It doesn't feel like Christ is bearing very many of my loads,

but that's all right. Have you accepted him as your lord and enslaver? No. No. Oh, sorry you've told the Christian. We do have like a minister that listens to the podcast. Well, I mean, I feel like they understand who we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not like the person who left us the comment on the maniac cop episode saying that why don't we like cops? The movie was maniac cop. Listen, if you're going to ask me a question about why I don't like a thing in the most I can't respond to you format. You can't actually respond to Spotify comments. Yeah, but I'm not going through Spotify to see the fucking comments on things. It's maniac cop.

ACAB, except for the cop who sits at the end of the Liberty Tunnel on the bridge side and stops people who like barrel down the right lane and try to get in the left lane where everybody's sitting in traffic and he pulls them over. That cop's okay with me. Makes me so happy. The myth of the unicorn has been found everyone. We found the good cop. It's the one at the end of the Liberty Tunnel. Anyway, we see an old man who appears to be drunk. Yeah, he's doing some faint sobbing.

Yes, he is. He's acting a fool. So he's an old, it looks like an unhoused man. It looks like he may have some mental difficulties going on, some sort of disturbances. He takes off his shirt and knocks over the mannequins. He takes off his shirt because Jeff, like, tries to be a badass and chase him down and grabs his jacket. The guy's like, yoink. Take the jacket then, yeah.

It's basically, it's my chameleon tail. I'll be losing that and grow another one later. Very good. Jeff says, see, kids, that's why I don't drink. Bully for you. So, he is running around and then runs headlong into a boarded up section of the movie theater that no one had seen before. Yeah.

That is marked with a cross in spray paint. Yes. And it creates a new doorway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he runs down. This point, I realized that Jeff looks like a lost, Colkin brother. Ooh, yeah, I could see that.

Yeah, you got Colkin vibes. Yeah. Hey, speaking of Colkins, can we take a moment to recognize the passing of my hero, Catherine O'Hara? Oh, yeah, of course. McCulley Culkin's tribute to her on Instagram was very, very sweet. Was it? Yeah.

She was at, when he got a, maybe like a Walk of Fame star or something recently, she was there and she was like, I'm still like your mom, right? Yeah. And it's really sweet. Gone too soon. Yeah. Funniest lady. Are you watching the studio?

No, but I think I might start because I want to see her. Yeah, she shows up a few episodes of season and she's fucking brilliant. Of course she is. She's doing everything. Want to watch Shick Creek again. I think I might actually. It might be a good time for me to rewatch that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing but joy, nothing, people being kind to each other.

Yeah, as their lives fall apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good. It's good. It's good life lessons. Good life lessons, I don't think. Okay. Okay. They find another movie theater.

Another movie theater under their movie theater. A theater under the theater. Why would there be a theater under the theater? And there's a door marked archive in this movie theater. And within that room, there's another room. Rooms within rooms. Rooms within rooms. And there's a bunch of prints.

Duh. That's why it's an archive. But they're all like janky. They're all like messed up and like unspooled just laying in things. Dasty and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they choose one. they do choose one or it chooses ape because it glows and he sees it and grabs it.

That's right. Yeah, yeah. So apes like, we should watch this movie. And they do. And ladies and germs, as I aforementioned, the horniness, this is where it comes. I mean, there's witchy shit and bells and a curb dagger and she's got a fuck me face. And just a beautiful lady. Full bush.

Full murkin. like no one's bush is that full. I mean, it wouldn't be that thick only in that, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe she was driven around it. I mean, she was driven around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, yes.

Worked. Did it for me. So, yes, they see like occult symbols and we see this woman's bosom and Jeff shuts off the movie because as you remember, Don't drink, don't smoke, don't fuck. At least I can't fucking think from the aforementioned straight edge. Thank you so much. Yeah.

I'm so glad we have a formerly straight edge person on this show to explain it to me. Never in my life have I considered being straight edge for a day. Oh man, there are pictures of me playing shows X-Dub. Ex-up, baby. I was always like, yeah, okay. Seems silly. I'm sure I told the story before, but before I was straight-edge, I'd stopped drinking, but I was still smoking. and because one's easier to quit than the other.

Smoking weed or smoking cigarettes? Smoking cigarettes. Why is that not straight edged? Because it's a drug. Did you drink caffeine? Oh yeah, like it was going out of fucking style. That's a drug too, buddy. Yeah, of course it is.

And I ate sugar like it was going out of style. Also a drug. I take wellbutrin. Yeah. I'm up to my fucking tits and Zoloft. I'm at the max of Simbalta, by the way. There's nowhere to go. Welcome to Dark Secrets Revealed with Ellen and Katie.

So I'm, but like I'm friends with a lot of straight-edged kids and I'm wearing a t-shirt for my friend's band that said like Virginia straight-edge on. I can't remember what the band was. And I'm outside of a show, uh, for all you, uh, 90s hardcore kids, you'll enjoy this. It was mouthpiece donuts, ignite. Texas is a reason. I love Texas is the reason. Bloodlet. It's too many, too many bands.

Too many bands. It was a fest. It was a fest. It was a fest. It was a fest. Okay. And one or two more bands that I can't remember. So I'm standing outside of this show,

is having a cigarette in my straight-edged t-shirt, and this dude walks by and gives me the dirtiest look you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. And I look at him and he's like kind of like a smile pierced into his face. Like studs going up. Studs going up with a smile. And I look at him and I just start laughing because it's Rick to Life from 25 to Life is giving me the mean eye for smoking in a street-edged t-shirt.

Good. And I was like, this is funny. It's very funny. My life is a funny joke. I mean, I've said this before, but one of my favorite things is like passing a bowl to a person with straight-edge tattoos and then hitting it. Just being like, you messed up. All right. Anyway, you're horny at this point.

Not horny, just like into it. Yeah. Sure. So Todd has been tempted. This is the funniest part of the entire fucking movie. Describe it. So they're all arguing with, uh, Jeff about turning the movie back on.

And then you just hear, Wildcard! Because someone says, where's Todd? He screams Wildcard and turns the movie back on. And locks Jeff out of the projection booth. And I was like, I think I love Todd. I wrote here, shit, I love this geometric porn. But I don't remember what that was.

Because it was just like, there was like tities and then shapes being drawn on them in fire. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I did like that quite a bit of it. So like a cult symbology. It was a cool looking little film. I would watch that movie. Yeah, wet dude, with some chains.

Yeah, that guy had great cheeks. Good cheeks. Chastity says to Ricky, do you think this is how all pornography is? You poor baby. Wait till you see the stepsister get stuck in the laundry machine. I've heard. Yeah, I haven't seen it. Theoretically.

Yeah, it's not for me. At this point, I have a note that just says this feels like a dancing video. Not a dancing movie because it's making sense, but it feels like a dandig video. It doesn't make a lick of sense, but it still is. more sensical than a dancing movie. So the film jams in the projector and Jeff is mad at Todd. And Todd just pulls the movie on. He's like, I fixed it.

And Jeff like picks up a piece. He's like, no, you actually broke it worse. Yeah. We get this little bit between Chastity and Ricky where she's like, you said, you would write me from camp. Yeah. I guess he hadn't. Yeah. And then she says, I didn't ask if I could wear eyeliner.

I didn't ask if I could listen to the cure. And I thought so lovingly of you. Because she tries to make him jealous by saying that she made out with someone named Alex. Right. And he, in a foreshadowing, says, was he a good kisser? I didn't catch that, but I like that now. And she's like, then she like loses her shit and starts yelling at him. And I was like, all right, you know, this is good.

Like, Tad is, or Ricky's very queer coded at this point. So, like, we're picking up on things. are being thrown down. Yeah. And for a movie that's supposed to take place in, what, 94? That's when those movies came up. Yeah. Nary and F-bomb has dropped in this movie, which is surprising.

They say a lot of, like, frickin, and heck. Yeah. Because they're religious teens. Right, but I meant the very offensive F-bomb. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes. Rather, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, that's good.

Because we do get a fuck a few fucks later on. Sure. From Todd, the best character. Wild card. And then I went on a fucking rabbit hole of just looking up, like, is there a tie between Christianity and straight-edge at this point? I couldn't find one. I mean, there are Christian straight-edge kids. Sure, but I mean, they hand in hand, really, bedfellows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have a note that says Christian hardcore kid. Boo. You're like, I was an atheist straight-edge hardcore kid, so. I was an atheist, anarchist, vegan straight-edge hardcore kid. Literally. All you had to do was CrossFit and you'd be the worst person on the planet. I live in a world with Donald Trump and still somehow I would be the worst.

Okay, fair. Jeffrey Epstein was still alive at that point. It's true. It's true. He's running an island. Allegedly. So, Chess. Help me.

Going past it, going past. Okay, just keep going to get me. Chess starts reading this occult book that she finds in the basement. Never read from the fucking. book? No, no, no, no, no. Much like I saw somebody on Reddit today that I followed the, uh, what's this on Reddit.

Yeah, yeah. And it was somebody who had just like a little figurine that was like, I found this buried 10 feet down underneath an oak tree in, or underneath the tree in my yard in Louisiana. Put it back. And it was just like, what the fuck are you doing? One, why? Two. Put it back.

Three. Run. Yeah. Burn, burn your house down before it does. So Chaz reads about the succuby. Mm-hmm. succubes. And the book has a picture that looks like our naked lady.

Yes. Yeah. Who we are about to see because Todd sees her. She's naked. She has great tits. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. I didn't notice, but oh my God.

No, I mean, you wouldn't. You're such an feminist ally. You wouldn't look at tits. Pull up. Listen. It's been too long. Been too long. Listen to that resonance.

Wait for it. It's still going. You know, I stopped here at like 30 seconds ago. Listen, if appreciating great bosoms is anti-feminist. Oh, no. Yeah. Then I'm not a feminist.

Because every lady I know is like, those are great tits. Yeah, we're all into tits, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so yes. Todd meets up with this lady. Yeah. 10-foot hole, 10-foot pole is a very funny name. for a movie and is it a D&D reference.

Yeah, I love that a lot. I wrote L-O-L-O-L-L, but I didn't remember what it was about. So there's a bunch of posters on the wall and they're all starring her. Yes. In different films like 10-foot pole, 10-foot pole, 10-foot pole. My next note says finger suck and screeching and an Encino Man. So, uh... I am I, my little bit.

I'm sorry. I'm losing it. Todd has an issue with his right hand where it doesn't function properly. Yeah, his fingers are kind of like gnarled. Yeah, so she picks up his hand and sucks on the gnarled finger. And too much Todd likes us very much. And then we cut to the, is it the unhoused man from earlier is running through the foyer of this. First we go back to Chastity and Ricky where he is now, they've been locked into a room.

Yeah. He's now shirtless. Oh, this is like the fantasy thing that happens to her where she makes out with the succubis. She makes out with him. And then, no, it's the hot lady. Yeah, and I hated that. And so I warned you all. Jesus fuck.

It's warming up here. It's warming up here. We're all going to get our toes and tits out soon. Yeah, so the lady strips in front of Todd, and this is where we see her murkin. No shame on the murkin. Like, you don't have to show your vatch to the fucking world. No, no, no, it's fine. Cover it up.

No, that's fine. Do whatever you want. But then here we see the photo with the old drunk man. Right. And here's where I think he comes a run in. Okay, okay. So this is when he knocks over the Encino Man and runs out of the spot. That must be what I meant by an Encino Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's a mannequin of an Encino Man and a Manicen of a league of a league of a baseball player. Yeah. And we learn that Todd's shirt tails have come out of his pants and they're wet, to which Jeff goes, oh, no, he peed himself. And Todd turns to Abe and goes, that's not pee. Oh, God, I missed that. And the idea of a repressed man finally ejaculating and it looks enough like he urinated on himself, that's a lot of cum.

See, Jesus jerked it. I'm sure of it. Yeah, I mean, that is a, a. a C.M. punk, haunted house I'm out of come that came out of that boy. The episode where we said jizz more times than we'd ever said jizz in our entire lives. Dude, it was coming out of light sockets.

What did you want me to do? I feel like that's such a fire hazard. And a biohazard. All both things. Both things. So the movie comes back on, even though they put the real back. Yeah.

And then we get like a close-up on a flaccid pee-p. Yeah. Which I was like, oh, Joe Camel showed up for this one. Wait, what? Joe Camel, the cigarette mascot. Oh, yes. His face looks like a dick and balls. Yes, it does.

Yeah. Quite a bit. Wait a minute. Dear listeners, she's a Googling. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I smoke camels for a while.

Did you now? After I read Still Life with Woodpecker. Sure, that's going to do it to you. You're 20, 20 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to do it to you. I had already moved on. to menthol's by the time I was 20.

That's gross. Because, well, nobody bums them. Yeah, nobody bums them. Yeah. Nobody bums. I eventually switched to parliaments when a female friend was like,

ooh, a brown filter. Jesus Christ. I was like, no, no, no, I'll smoke that.

And then she was like, also, one hundreds are the same amount of money. And it's more cigarette. More cigarettes. Why are they the same amount of money? Because nobody wants those things. Ah,

I used to smoke parliament light 100s. It takes, so long to smoke one of those. Yeah, your cigarette break was on forever. All right. Maybe I should start smoking again. No, you're good. Come on. Don't go back. But it's so cool. I even know what this. I'm not cool anymore is it. I'm sorry, I'm having an existential crisis over here. It's actually back. Smoking is back. Because kids vapeed long enough that like. It came back around. And it's got to be like a status thing now if you can afford to buy cigarettes. Oh, right. I probably can't. Yeah. No, you got you got a budget.

You can't afford What are they $10 a pack? Ah, man. Come on. Come with it now. Back, Zach De La Rocha doesn't smoke no cigarettes. Also, like, you light one and then the bus comes

and you have to put it out. You're going to have to butt it because it's so fucking expensive. Exactly. And then you're going to sting. You're the stinky lady on the bus. All right, fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't know if that says they go.

Oh, they'll go back beyond the boards means they went back downstairs. Yes. Okay. And they find Todd, laying downstairs because we've lost him at some point. There's a gap in my note from he comes to Abe goes looking for Todd. Okay.

I don't have my notes are not nearly so specific. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they find him. That's when they think he peed his pants. So when he says something about Todd's mom and he says my mom's dead and Jeff yells, prove it. Prove it freak. That's fucking funny.

I just want to say that I pulled up the plot on the Wikipedia page. and it ends with Jeff being outvoted, and they start playing the movie. And that's the end of the plot summary. Listen, we're going to have to talk about some severe dick and ball trauma that we, as Wikipedia, we're just not ready to get into. We're just not ready to get there, yeah. We're not doing that.

So Chaz finds a box down beyond the boards that has the bells that we saw earlier in the porno movie. And this is where she meets up with a shirt, baseball rickie that actually turns out to be the succubis. Oh, sorry, my notes are way back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he puts his hand, her, uh, he puts her hand on his pecker, which is a funny thing to write. Thank you for laughing at me saying pecker.

It just, you said it with such crispness. Pecker. No, that wasn't even it. Say it again. She put his hand on her, she put her, he put her hand on his pecker. That wasn't the same way. No, I've lost the pecker. You lost the...

Well, at least we recorded it. I'll put some reverb on it when I say. Please do. So it's the lady. And this is where they find the old guy in the photo, who is the unhoused man. Yes. And he was running a porno theater back in the day. He sure was.

They go to leave. She goes upstairs and realizes that her keys are missing from the front door. Yes. The keys are gone. Yeah. And then they go into the office. to get the extra keys. What do they find in the cabinet?

Man. Fucking Mr. Pike. Mr. Pike is a fucking piece of shit. Filming the women's bathroom. One of the most disgusting, like, fucking things on earth. Invading someone's privacy and also just, like, poop? And, like, your period? Yeah, just like...

Yeah. When you get your period, you poop a lot, and it looks like your poop is fighting a bloody war. Like, who's... Whose thing is that? Mr. Pikes, I guess. It's a movie about being oppressed, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is like when sexual repression goes wrong. Yeah. I said oppressed, not repressed. I meant repressed. It's kind of both. It's a little bit of both. Yeah, that's straight. It's a guy's pretty intense.

Yeah. So, yes, they barricade themselves in Mr. Pike's office to avoid the oncoming demon onslaught. They find his camcorder. They find that he's been recording women and taking shits. or pisses. Oh yeah, probably a lot of pisses. Yeah, yeah, whatever they got to do. And they're all in denial about what they're seeing, except for Abe.

Because Abe's like, oh, a fellow pervert. Yes, I recognize this brand of pervert. A looker. A looker, not a toucher. Yes, Ricky makes him hook the, makes Abe hook the camcorder up to the TV, which I could never do to save my wife. Oh, my God. There's so many cords, so many wires.

Where's the red and yellow one go? The white one never plugs into anything, does it? It sounds. Or maybe the yellow one sound One of them sound Fuck it Exactly this is why we can't do this This is why we can't do anything

We're lucky we have like a mixer running right now So Chaz finds the peephole To like prove that he is indeed filming these women puts the camera up to the peephole And they see the exact layout And they leave the camera there This will come back Yes it will

Is this also where we learned That Ricky went to conversion camp? Yes because he says that he was away on somebody says he was away at camp and he's like, aren't you too old to go to camp? Yeah. And then it comes out that he is queer

and was sent away to camp. And there's something to do with chastity having like... Yeah, so she's the one who told Mr. Pike Yeah. That Ricky was queer. And he told Ricky's parents. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Chastity sucks. Yeah, for sure. But also like teens that have like, infatuations with people, like it makes your brain super fucked up. That's true. And maybe she thought that if you went to conversion camp, he would come back straight and then finger hurt. Finger her?

Look, as we know from Tears for Fears. Everybody wants to get fingered. Everybody wants to get fingered. So he's got this girlfriend that he keeps referencing Jasmine. And I was like, is this around the time of the Aladdin movie? Because that's very funny. If that's what he picked her name to be because of that. Aladdin came out in.

1992. Yeah. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Yeah. So Ricky has a freak out, and he smashes all the VHS tapes that Mr. Pike has made of women going to the bathroom. And then Mr. Pike comes back and goes in the front door of the establishment. And then ends up in the bathroom. The ladies' room.

The ladies' room. Looking for everybody. Where he knows that the camera is set up, but okay. But we find out why he's been led into the room. the lady's room. And why is that? The succubus is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he immediately takes off his pants and underwear. Yeah, he says, okay, oh my. And then I was like, you know what, Mr. Pike? I'm kind of there with you. You know what? Is he a succubis? You fuck a succubis, right? Fuck you bis, succubis, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So they're watching him on the camcorder as he undoes his pants. and then the lady comes in the frame, they start making out, and she bends him over. Yeah, she pegs him. Does she peg him? I thought she was maybe giving him a rusty trombone. Was where you're eating ass and jerking off at the same time. Rusty trombone.

And this is not a thing you've ever heard before in your life. I'm so sorry. I thought this was a common knowledge thing. It might be. Like I said, I don't know my kid's social security number, but. I don't know my kids, social security number, and gross names for sex acts. Yeah. But because I thought that because she, she rips his dick off.

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does. She rips his fucking dick off. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, good, rip a fucking pervert's dick off. It like bursts in her hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really good. At this point, I am team succuous. I think she kind of rules. Yeah, I mean, it's a little motiveless, but. But, you know. Yeah, I mean, evil's going to evil. Evil's going to evil. But he's still alive.

He got his dick ripped off, but he's still alive. So they think. They keep yelling that he's still alive. Oh, okay, okay. So, yes, we see a demon hand that came up and ripped his dick off. You're right.

Yes, a black hand. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And so now they're dragging Mr. Pike out of the bathroom. And the edge boy and the succubes are now going to get into some sort of fisticofts. Right. Right. Where this is now the hands-down sexiest thing in the movie because she has two cigarettes and a leather jacket on,

calling back to the movie poster that's in the hallway. Yes. And she's like, she's like revealing a bosom while smoking and biting her lip. And I was like, what the fuck? Movie, come on. I mean, it is called porno. It is called porno. She smokes for him.

It is hot. It's a note that I have. See, smoking's cool. I mean, yes. I mean, when you're that, also that's sexually repressed, like a good pair of tits can get you to do anything, even smoking cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, a couple of beers will get me to smoke a cigarette if I'm being honest. Oh my God, I would do it right now. So he says, this is a catchphrase, which again is, Christ bears the load. Christ bears the load. I was, I was, my brain was like, Christ blows a load. That's not it.

That's not it. And she, earlier in the film, he referenced that his dad told him that a nom dude's got their nuts exploded all the time. Yeah. So she's like smoking a cigarette and staring at his crotch. And I expected a hilarious hard-on to be his pants. Boner. Yeah.

This is going to be a boner joke. This is going to be funny. No, she explodes his nuts. She explodes as nuts. They burst. They burst. There's so much close up on his burst testicles. And I was like, I think I love this movie right now.

I sort of agree with you. Because Ricky is like, hey, I'm the first aid guy on my baseball tea. He just tucks them back in and like ties up a little. And I was thinking, yeah, if you're not wearing a cup and you catch like a hundred mile an hour ball to the ball, that's going to explode your nutsack. That's going to explode your nutsack. Yeah. This prosthetic is fantastic.

It is so, I don't know. It's so real. It's too real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a floppy dick. He's definitely a show or not a girl. hour. And I have, I don't know about you, but my media intake has been so dick heavy recently. Tell me more.

The pit. Okay, everyone keeps telling me to watch the pit. It's fantastic. All right, fine. It's very stressful. So like, be forward. Oh, okay. That's why I'm warning you. But it's, it's, it's my favorite thing on TV right now. Okay. My second favorite thing on TV is, is, where there are a lot of dicks in the pit? Both seasons so far have had a dick in them. Just one. Yeah, just one. Go on. There's a show on HBO called A Night of the Seven Kingdoms. It's set in the Game of Thrones world.

And there is the most comically large penis on an old man that I've ever seen that maybe like gut laugh when I saw it. Just figure out which episode it's in and I'll look at that. I don't need to like watch. This does not sound for me. And then have you seen 28 years later? Not yet. I was going to suggest actually we do it for our next movie.

Fine. Because there is a character in that who's this like six foot eight dude that's running with like a six foot eight penis the entire time. Fine. Bunk naked just like running with a dick hitting his knees. You've sold me, Alan. And apparently, spoiler alert for the episode that we're going to do, apparently when interviewed about it, the guy was like, that's pretty much sussim a dick. That's pretty much suss of it. Okay.

Yeah, when I looked at our list, we're down to the five movies that have been on there for like a year and a half that we never want to do. Write down 28 days or 28 years later. I'm doing it now. So Ricky. Oh, I guess we ruined the, I know one has to listen to the rest of this episode. I'll cut that. Nah,

don't. Let him suffer through the next 30 minutes of us. Let him suffer through the thing they enjoy. Let me suffer through this thing I intentionally chose. So Ricky puts a tourniquet on the testicles. He does a great job. But they're exploded. So there's like he's wrapping up nothing.

Well, no, he has tucked them back into the scrotum. It's true. Yeah. but there's not much of a scrotum left. Yeah. Yeah. To which I have, I did not expect this much ball trauma to be in this movie. And they're talking about Todd and calling him a fervor and Abe admits that he was the pervert.

It wasn't like, Todd was coming along because Todd's a good friend. He says, he's not the pervert, Chaz. I am. Yeah. So they had gotten caught in a tree watching people fuck. but Todd couldn't get away fast enough because he's like mildly disabled physically. Yes.

Yeah. So I don't know if this is a reference to something wicked this way comes by Ray Bradbury, but there's a scene in that where Jim and Will have like previously gone down this one street and climbed a tree and saw like this theater troupe that got naked and the implications that they were fucking. So like this kind of. kind of like, oh, is this like a really like subtle nod to that?

Maybe. I hope so. I hope so too. No. So while this is happening, the, they're going to burn the movies. Right. And they burn it and there's no smoke. They go to burn it, but Abe is still looking for Todd.

No one's helping him. True. That doesn't sound right. But okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's no smoke.

The fire goes out. Why have I written the burning bush? Because, um. Chaz references the bush that was consumed with fire but did not burn. I thought maybe it was a full bush. I don't know. I don't know. Some of your redhead showed up in the movie.

So Jeff is so taken aback by this that he starts smoking again. Yeah. I bet he gets the best fucking nicotine buzz right there. Oh my God. Yeah. He's like now kind of a nihilist too. But like wouldn't being faced with pure evil strengthen your faith in God? if God's not helping you.

Yeah, your balls are blown up. It's true. If God let your nuts explode. Yeah, I guess that's it. We all have to have our limits. So this is where we find out that Chaz had ratted out Ricky to Mr. Pike, and Mr. Pike had told Rick his parents. So we now get Abe looking for Todd, and he goes down a hallway and sees a little peephole on a wall that he puts his finger in it makes a little bigger.

and then starts peep in on some sheets moving up and down. Something is happening under a sheet here, yeah. And then the sheet is moved, and it's the people from earlier are fucking again. Right. And then they're like eye contact and smiling at him. They don't like it. No, no, you don't want that. He's jerking it, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just till it stinks. Tug it till it stinks? Somebody commented tug it till it stinks. No, no, no, it's not. You're doing it wrong if it stinks. I feel like it would sting before. It would stink, though, right? Not that way you're doing it, right?

But then the succubus... Where is the... It's not... No, I don't want to know. No, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. So the succubist sticks your head through the wall and starts puking blood into his mouth. Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jeff pulls him away. Now they're going to find Todd because Todd is... Oh, we haven't seen Todd yet. No, no, but when we do find Todd... Yeah. He's in the abandoned theater. He's strung up.

And the old man is there. Yeah. And he's whistling a tune eerily similar to Paul's theme. From my hell else. Am I wrong? No, you're not wrong. And he is also cut off his Johnson. Yeah.

This guy cut his penis off. I don't know why. No one tells Todd anything. Todd kind of rules. Todd gets all the best lines in this movie. Yeah. The old dude also cuts a symbol into his chest and then slap. Todd, and I don't know why.

And then he cuts Todd up. And we learned that his name is Beekman. Yes, Beekman and neon lights. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He needs the blood of a virgin. He burns a mortar and pestle with his penis in it. Cutting up Todd, yeah. To that, I've written, God, I'm sick of white dudes.

Does his little ritual. Oh, we're the worst. Yes. So he rings the bells, the aforementioned bells. And he's using the ceremonial knife from the movie as well. Right, the like curved dagger. Yeah, and the mortar and pestle. Mortar and pestle, not an easy thing for me to say.

I kind of like mush it. I'm like murren, brussel. I always said pestle. That's probably right. I'm mushing it. I'm just calling on murmur. You know, you need to crush your herbs up. You put your whole clothes in there.

And then you went up with murmur. So the suckybiz comes out of the old man's chest. Yeah, he gets a hand through the chest. And then two, and then a whole ass lady demon opens a portal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And drags Todd in. Drags Todd in. And then in typical D&D fashion, Abe and Jeff go after him.

Yeah. I appreciated that. Beekman is gone. Beekman is gone. Yeah. He exploded when she came out of him, I think, is the implication. Ricky and Chast stable. behind.

Yes. Yeah. And then Abe, well, Abe and Jeff and Todd all come to on the theater floor in different places, but Chaz and Ricky are not there. And Abe is clean of blood. I assume Todd is clean of come. Right. Todd, and he's in his street clothes. So she took those clumsy clothes right off with his regular clothes, but probably just have like

some. Just a boy come. We made an agreement. We made an agreement. And Jeff's balls are fine. He doesn't have ball damage anymore. Right. And Todd's hand is normal.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say that already? Nope. Okay, great. Nope. Nope. So they try to leave the theater and the front door burns them.

Yes. And, oh, sorry. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, just had to sit up. And they're looking out on the street and there's people walking by and they start banging on the doors. Mm-hmm. and the people turn to them.

What do they do, Katie? Zap them. They explode. Yeah, they get zapped. Yeah, like the fire symbol appears above them and they all explode like blood bags. Yeah. Pretty cool.

Deben zaps. Yeah. Todd levitates. With a no fear tank top. Gotta love that. Todd's got some fear. Man, I'm going to look on eBay for a no fear shirt. I think it's my time.

I think it's my no fear era. Is there a lot of fear? Can I get an AM scare? T-shirt. Yeah. So he's a demon now. He's got demon blood running through his veins. All black veins. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beekman is laughing. It's a note I have. So we cut to Chaz and Ricky, who are in a different reality. Yes. And they're still in the theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where there's a stage. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Get this part? So Chaz has figured out that they need to do something sexy, the mortar and pestle, the knife and the bells need to be involved in this, to conjure the succubis, then use the knife to kill the succubes. So the thing that they decide to do that is the sessy thing is to play some like, no rights dance music. Yeah, no rights dance music is the exact, yeah. that Ricky strips to and does sessy little dances.

Yeah. That she is not watching, which I found interesting. And his dancing summons the demon. Right. And he starts fucking him. Because it's a hot dude and not a lady. And she's like, we have to finish the ritual or whatever. And he's like, give me a few more minutes.

A few more minutes. Wow, Ricky. Said no teenage. boy ever. I mean, a few more a minute. Now I'm done. Nope. Give me a few more.

We're good. We're good. Thanks so much. You want to listen to more suicide tendencies? So he's fucking the hell out of that demon. Jeff wants to kill Todd in the alternate reality. They're hunting Todd down. Yes.

And Todd like lifts Abe into the air by his balls and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. Yeah, Abe tells Todd that he loves him. Yeah. He's like, if there's, if real Todd is in there, I just want you to know that I've always loved you. You're a great friend.

I'm sorry for everything. And they hug and Todd goes, oldest trick in the book. Wild card. Yeah. So Ricky and the succubes are now in a fight because he tried to stab her. Yes. Post-coitus, I guess. She's slashing them up.

And then Ricky. Chaz yells at him. If you go all the way, the demon will kill you. So, like, if he comes in this man, the demon will kill, okay. Yeah. That's why you just shake the bed for your friends. Oh, yeah. Jump, jump pumping?

That's not soaking, right? Soking is when you just lay there. And then jump pumping is when someone jumps on the bed while you're soaking. Jump pumping. Just fuck, y'all. Just consensually fuck. It's fine. Everyone say, I do, and then do it.

But Ricky stabs it. and they retrap it in the film reel. Things are back to normal. Jeff, who earlier wouldn't let Ricky smash the glass from the front doors now smashes it. And they're going to leave. Abe takes the reel.

Yes. They start to walk home. Yes. And that is porno. What a fucking delight, actually. Yeah. I'm so surprised. It did itself no favors by naming itself.

Yeah, that could have been, that could have been rethought. Yeah. And I think there are some real draggy parts where they're just like running around and locked in rooms, but whatever, it's a horror movie. But when it's going off, it's going off. It's really fun.

Yeah, got you all going off. You want to rate this bitch? Yeah. Katie, don't call my friend a bitch. Your friend, the movie porn? Yes, I will rate this bitch. Go for it. I'm going to give this song.

a 7.5. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was really fun and funny. I'm going to give it a seven. I like this for us. But I am also going to watch porn hubs horror content.

So we'll come back for that grade. I told you I have a friend who's into porn bloopers. Learn porn blooper reels. Put your glasses back on. Wow. My shame content will not let me watch. Just watch it. Give it a go.

Give it a go. It's actually pretty funny. I'm sure. What kind of bloopers are they? Just give it a go. I'll give it a goke. I'll give it a goke. I'll open an incognito window.

Absolutely. That's where you do your horny shit. So as you know, we're going to do 28 years later next week. Yeah, dude. Thank you for everyone who's been sending us stuff and sending us messages and reaching out and just being kind. I can't believe how nice you people are. I think I would have been better for me if you'd yelled at me

because then I would have had a fire under my ass to get back at it, you know? But no, you're all, oh, we care about you. Oh, take all the time you need. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Can you guys be more like an abusive JV football coach? You run like a goyle rock. Oh, chase that chicken. that's all I guess right now.

Let's just wrap it up. We'll be back next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And thanks for listening to another episode of Where We'll have. Bye. Bye-bye.