Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 555- Deathstalker (1983)

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

Trigger warning: a lot of rape talk in this one, thank you so much Roger Corman. In this week's episode, we're discussing the absolute sleazefest of a sword & sandal film "Deathstalker." Pretty much all the topics for your consideration are tits, so... tits! Obviously Riger Corman's greasy little fingers are all over many films we've covered, so maybe just try Episode 219- "Attack if the Crab People." It's a batshit delight.  

Y'all, we have a new mixer. Sorry about how this sounds put a little off recently. Hopefully this sounds better. We bought it with your money. Yeah. Well, the patron's money anyway. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for buying this for us, guys. Y'all are very kind. We just reinvest in the business. That's what we do. Look. Hey, what have I always said to you since we started doing this? Reinvest in the business. You got to spend money to make money.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, though, have to watch Conan the human trafficker? You just look like the reporter from the first cell house movie. What?

Well, dear Roger Corbyn. Oh, Jesus. Like I knew, Roger Corman, hero to us all. Prick. Absolute. Absolutely fucking prick. But, like, I know of at least a couple instances where he, like, did reshoots because there wasn't enough essay in a movie. Whoa.

Humanoids from the Deep was directed by a woman and she did like tasteful rape scenes Sure not lascivious rapes And he was like I'm gonna bring another guy I didn't do this real quick This rape scene just didn't give me enough of a chubby

I don't even know I'm pretty sure he just has like a cadre of 12 year old boys goes huh And they're like no a little more violent I don't know what sex are But this should be worse What if it were a pig man played by an Argentinian wrestler.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, who's that? His name is Jose Aravalo. I don't know him. No. I don't know him. I think he was just a wrestler in,

because all these movies, this was the first of ten films that Roger Corman made in Argentina. Oh, okay. And probably all in like a six-week period, too, right? We have 35 minutes to make ten movies. Do it. Go.

Well, I think this, it must have been over some period of time, because this one did so well that they made a Death Stalker 2. Yes. In that rock block of 10, Argentina. Saw that on Shudder. Yeah, apparently a lot less different main character and a lot less rapy. Not Death Stalker? It's not, he's not.

It is Death Stalker, but it's a different fella playing. I see. It's not professional football or semi-pro football player Rick Hill. I think he played, um, college football. Yeah. And then like signed for like the Winnipeg Winnie Boys or something. Oh, he was a gridiron football player.

What's that? I don't know. That's what Wikipedia says. Isn't gridiron football just what we call America? I don't know. Welcome to Draftsburg, baby. God. Currently the NFL?

Yeah, you got it in one. Football draft is happening. In Pittsburgh. Last week at my Friday meeting with the ladies at work. We were all trying to figure out what they actually do at a draft. Oh, I love that none of you knew. None of us knew. That's adorable.

Did they come to you like, Alan, do you know? And you were like, of course I don't. I believe I started the conversation with like, I don't know, know nothing about no football. Why don't you, for our listeners, guess what they do at a draft? I assume they're picking new players. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

At first I didn't know if it had something to do with a Super Bowl. No. Well, I mean, ultimately. If American sports had relegation, I would give a shit. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Although I would not be able to watch the Pirates on TV. Were that true? Although they are fucking killing it this year.

I don't want to jinx it, but you know what? We're winning the goddamn World Series. Do you hear that? That sound, that was us knocking on the door of beating the Dodgers for the National League championship. How long we've been doing the show for? This is our 12th year. This is our 12th year.

This is our 12th year. So this is definitely the 12th time. have made this prediction. 2014 and 2015, they went to the postseason. They went to the wild card game. They lost. Well, I think I made my point better than your point. Twice in the past.

12 years. And it's been 10 since. You know what, though? Yeah. I'm going to win the goddamn World Series. You know what, though? What? I got excited because I recognized one of the people in this movie because she was on

He-Haw. Is it Bambi with an eye? Barbie with an eye. with an eye. Yeah, Barbie Benton. Oh, it's a real look not putting that E on the end. Well, copyright infringement and all that. I think you can still, yeah, you're right. Oh, I accidentally started the 2025 one first and I was like on your shutter. On your shutter account? That's our shutter. It's your shutter. It's your email address. And you pay for it. You just gave me the password. That makes it yours. I was like, ooh, Canada. And then it's like, no, no. That's going to be a

hopefully a better movie. Which also, this one is 23 minutes shorter. Than the new one? Yeah. Oh, wow. How much essay are they going to be able to squeeze into that new movie? How, nothing happens in this whole movie. What? Okay, all right.

Also, just to get the famous people out of this movie. What, Alan, name one. Lana Clarkson. Lana Clarkson. Her claim to fame is a little less joyful than me, recognizing a woman from he-ha. Okay. She is the woman that Phil Specter killed.

Oh, Lana Clarkson. Yeah. What a piece of shit. In 2003, at the age of 40. Wow. So you do the quick math. You do the quick math. She was 21 when she shot this movie.

Is she, um, Titty Warrior? Yeah, she's Kiara. Okay, first of all, there's no reason you would ever fight without a bra on. Sorry. Of course there is. Titties? Joy. Can I just, just for the whole thing.

Can I just... Sample it and have it ringing me like a pedal tone throughout the... Yeah, we got all the famous people out of the way. There's two of them, one from He-Ha'all and one who was murdered by fucking piece of shit, Phil Specter. Yeah, Jesus. First subtitle I get when this movie starts playing. What is it? And I watched it on Apple.

No, Amazon. Because I saw that you had only watched the first 48 minutes. and I was like, well, I don't want to mess your timestamp. Oh, no, you could have just gone back. You know, I wouldn't have known the difference anyway. Also, don't. Did you rent it? No, no, no, no.

I just watch it with some commercial. Oh, jeez. Cursing me the whole way. Finish a fucking movie. So the first credit or the first closed caption I get is grim, heroic music. And I'm like, well, I'm fucking on board. Let's go. This is the best way to describe music I've ever seen.

I mean, I can't imagine something that is more you than being grimly heroic. And musical. And musical. I like the design of these guys, these monsters, but the filming makes them look so silly. They're like shot from a one-quarter angle, I guess, from below. It's terrible. They are all wearing, like, pretty good Halloween masks,

and then they have, like, a little putty on them and stuff. Yeah, I think they look fine for being cheap. They're kind of gobblingy. Gobliny, they're charmingly gobblingy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't worry, they would. We'll try to sexually assault a woman. In this opening scene, this is the cold open of the movie.

There's some dude who's like tying a ball of twine up or something with a woman tied up next to him. She's just lying on the ground. She could probably stand up if he's busy doing something else. Oh, these creeps around and you're not, you don't have, there's no underwear. You have no underwear on whatsoever. No, you're wearing a medieval g-string. I don't think she was. Some other people are.

Really? Oh, yeah. I think you're right about that. I think she was straight fanny. Yeah. Her bum is definitely out. Yeah. The look of this man, he's got a real baby face.

And you're like, why would this man have kidnapped this woman? I was like, he must be death stalker. And then I thought, does death stalker stalker? Does he, is he the death who stalks? Why is he death stalker? Do you like that he sometimes refers to himself as stalker, implying that his birth name is death? His first name is death.

Yeah. Titty Warrior calls him stalker at some point, too. That might be her only line is just going, stalker? Gross. One of the few lines divvied out to a, does this movie pass the Bechtel test, by the way? I mean, no, but the girls room kind of feels like summer camp,

and I'm not mad at it, except like. It kind of feels like someone could say, let's be girls. Yes, let's go be girls. I love it. The non-bubbly jacuzhues in the middle of the room. Must be so deep to have not killed that, guy, Saraman or whatever. Also, was his name really Saramon?

No, it was Salaraman. Oh, close. You heard of the Lord of the Rings. We got Salaraman. La Lord of the Ring. Like Christopher Leloyd. This guy is dressed as He-Man. There's a lot of He-Man in this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like some light bondage gear and a He-Man haircut that is his actual hair. No, that's a wig with those bangs. I looked at up. Really. There's pictures of him with just that hair.

I'm looking at Brick Hill. Yeah. Professional football man. Oh, right. He's the gridiron football player. I think that's what the British call American football. I think you're right. Oh, wow. I do like when we get the opening of the gorblen men jumping down out of a window.

And I'm pretty sure it's just the same goblin man over and over over and over. Just going back up and through the window. Or maybe just the same footage. Maybe. He had, this is Deathstalkers for, first line. Or no, this is a line to Death Stalker. Yeah.

This is the first line of the movie. Yeah. That's my horse. No, Death Stalker says that because the guys trying to take Death Stalker's horse. Oh. That's my horse. That's my horse.

Delivered with that amount of passion as well. Yeah. While the credits are rolling, I'm going, there is a not enough Italians to make this movie good. No, there's no, I mean, it was directed by a James Swoblaherty or something like that, you know, spaghetti meat a ball. Yeah. Which you're allowed to say because Italians.

So the guy who's tie in knots has to fight these gorblin guys, and then death stalkers like, don't steal my horse, I'll fight these guys as well. Yeah. Yeah. And then they beat up all the guys. They beat up all the guys. And then he goes to the woman. Yeah, yeah, just straight up sexually assaults her.

But she's like, oh, he's so nice. She's like into it. So she's like, why not? Only a few other men have grabbed my tits without asking today. And some of them were gorblins. Today. Today. Today. Literally today. The one goblin like does like a fucking frog splash onto her. He does. Like just like buddy. He does. It's never worked like that. Don't do that. And he's carrying her around with her bum out. Yeah. Yeah. Cheeks to the wind. Cheeks to the wind. Out here in the fucking woods of Wisconsin or whatever. Sergeant Tina. No. You think this was a pickup shot in Wisconsin? I have no idea.

It's just that the woods aren't very cool. Listen, we went through the film and we noticed that there we were actually a set of cheeks short. So we're going to film an opening sequence with this woman's cheeks. Here in Millie Wauke. But so he's unbuckling. He's unbuckling and then gets cock blocked. And you're like, thank God. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to see Little Stalker if things don't, if he doesn't get bothered by a man who looks like he may not be fully aware of where he is when he walks up to talk to Death Stalker.

Absolutely. And this woman, to be clear, was tied up on the ground by a dude, stolen by creatures and then stolen again by this like man who looks like he's made of clay. Uh-huh. Yeah. Sexy clay, though, right? Oh, no. chiseled clay. He also has no butt. He needs to quit skipping leg day. This is 1983.

Buts were not yet a thing. Oh, I know. Did you see every woman in this movie? Yeah, buts were not, especially the white lady butt. Yeah. Yeah. God, I couldn't have lived in that world, both for myself and for my preferences. Sure, sure.

I guess I did as a teenager, really. No, you didn't. Skinny shit, skinny shit. You had to be like Kate Moss. This was a year prior to your birth. Sure, sure. Entrance into the world. But butts didn't get cool until I was much older.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, all of those aerobics videos did not lead to sweet cheeks. It's just cardio. It's not strength. Yeah. It's true. It's true.

As a no-assed man, though, I can identify from the course here. Well, you're skipping leg day. I'm skipping every day. I'm just laying in bed, baby. I don't do it days. So that we get some's a quick backstory about kings and magicians and Lord Munk. Mark car.

Yeah. Oh, is this from, is this from my girl? I have no idea. My woods witch? Um, no,

there's something about a dog. Someone's eating a dog. What? They say that if, death stalker says something like, oh, pretty soon you're going to have to eat that dog. And the guy says like,

oh, I bet he tastes better than the one you're eating. And Deathstalker's eating a piece of meat. Like, it's a dog. And isn't there like a shot of the dog being like, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, what? I think this is a man describing. Okay. Oh, it's the king. It's the king in exile who's talking to him. The king in exile whose daughter has been stolen. Yes, who is Barbie, Barbie Benton. Barbie Benton.

Princess Barbie Benton. Princess, what's her name? Princess, uh, Princess Codial. Codial. Couldn't have given her a name. There's so many names. What's a woman? Ha.

Ah. Feminism had hit, right? We were like, it had happened. 83? It's second wave feminism, I was it? You guys had like credit cards and stuff by this point. I think so. Could own a business.

Yeah. Didn't have to just let your husband vote for the household. Oh my God. Don't start. I feel like some people still do that. Oh, no. There's definitely people who are pushing bills through Congress currently. Sure.

I mean, why should I get to vote? I'm stupid. you know who's smarter than me every man in the state of West Virginia obviously hold on on are they landowning they're not landowning I mean really should they even have a right you're renting you get the fuck out of here so we learn that Lord Moncar has done a coup basically yeah yeah yeah he sits upon the throne because he turned the army into a flock of sheep which I thought was adorable and this just feels like they're like okay you're the king in exile what's my character's name you're the king in exile yeah

And you're going to talk to him about Munkard, who's like a magician who took your kingdom over. Okay, do I have lines? Yeah, you're the king in exile. You're going to talk to him about Munkard, took your shit off. Sort it. Yeah. Figure it the fuck out, dog. They have this weird conversation about masculinity where it's like, men don't save maidens anymore.

They're just outlaws, am I right? What happened to chivalry? It's medieval times. This was King Jordan Peterson came back. Jesus. He didn't sound like Herbert the front. It does sound like Kermit the Frog. It does sound like Kermit the Frog.

Oh man. So our hero, who we will later learn is named Deathstalker. That is his name. Godgiven. Death stalker. And why? Death. Death, Jeff Stocker. Death. A weak ejaculation. Death.

I just, this movie has nothing to do with death stalking. What? Okay. This man only murders all the time. I mean, I suppose that's true. He won't hero for this king, but he's like, because I only murder for like profit. I don't understand his motivations for any part of this.

Like the description of the movie on Shudder implies that he's there to save the princess, which I don't think is true. No, no. He's going for the amulets because, uh, what's the lady's name? Which lady? Orrelva. That's, okay.

Uh, I mean, it's better than Cordile or codile or. Codial. Co deal. Now we see all the women that Lord Moncar has kidnapped. Oh yeah, we're in the jacuzzi without no bubbles. There was one woman. Did she just have to wait with her face under the water in that marble gargoyle bathtub? Because when it cuts to her, her face is just underwater. Why? Because you need that tits reveal. Oh. Her coming up out of the water going, Blah, br-br... Your hair is plastered to her face. It's like when you get knocked over by a wave at the beach and your tits fall out, it's not sexy.

It's like you're spitting sand. You're like, you can't see. You got so much sand in your ass crack. Yeah, it's dragging your drawers down. Mother of fuck. Yeah, jacuzzi ladies. We get an entrance by a screamer. A screaming woman enters the room.

Yeah. It is our princess. It is our princess. Yeah. Who I thought was the lady from the beginning. It is not. There were like three ladies that look exactly like Barbie Benton in this movie, and every time one shows up, I'm like, oh, no, no, not the princess, no. One lady is just crouching.

Does she have to crouch all day like a baseball catcher? Like she's Henry fucking Davis out there. Swing bad a badda, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's very upsetting. Who the fuck is Henry Davis? He's the pirates catcher. One of, they're platooning him and Joey Bart right now. What?

Plotuning. It's when two players share a position, but like Paul Skeen's likes to have Henry Davis. call his pitches so he likes him to catch for him. Whereas Mitch Keller's more of a Joey Bart guy. Sure. Keller Bart. Keller Bart. Keller Barbott.

Just on pitch on Sunday. They were great. It was a great game. So we've got big heavy metal video energy at this point. Oh, for sure. It feels like Ronnie James Deal could walk on set at any moment. And then we just cut to a dude being drugged through the woods by a horse until he hits face first into a tree. A tree made of Papi and Masha.

Never to be seen again Who is that man? Fucking fine, no Who are the men dragging him? Well, that's, uh, well, what's the guy's name? I don't know. Kang. It's Kang, who is just Moncar.

Oh, General of the Great Lord Moncar. Yes, but it is just Moncar. Moncar and Kang are one and the same apparently. Wait, really? That was Moncar? That's what the lady says. Babi Yaga? Yeah, yeah.

The tree witch lady comes out and she stabs Kang. And, uh, but like, she stabs him and then the knife turns into a snake that wraps around his neck. It's just... And she's not giving up the sword. No, she's not giving up the sword. Why does she have the sword? She's not giving it up, Katie.

I understand. There's also just like horses running at each other through the forest, but luckily there are no trees in this part of the forest, so that's really lucky. Meanwhile... This is where we see the first of the decapitations of this movie, of which there are many. At least four that I counted.

I'm going to throw it out there. They're kind of decrapitations. Yeah. We only ever see sword start swinging, head rolling on ground. I feel like they watched Red Sonia. Was that out yet? Oh. And I saw that sick decapitation that stuck with me for my whole childhood.

Yeah, maybe. I mean, this is like Conan the Barbarian did good. Make 47 of these. Yeah. Conan the human trafficker. Yeah. Our hero traffics women. Oh, God.

So Kang does some magic and turns himself into a burb. Yeah. And he's going to fly away. He'll only fly away. And Tirolba is like, yo, don't let him get away with that amlet. You need that amlet. Sword amulet chalice. While she's having a conversation with Deathstalker in her home, he just picks up one of her cups, drinks from it, and puts it back.

Uh-huh. Why does he do that? Are they like boyfriend and girlfriend? Are they together? I think so. Okay. Oh, and then, but yeah, she says Kang, that was Munkar as Kang. Oh, does she say that?

Yeah. This movie really comes right out of the gate into the plot. And I think I wasn't, I wasn't like, I was not lubed up for it, you know? Right out of the gate, into the plot, and then right back out of the plot, because there is a plot. No, it's over. As soon as her, as soon as the witch scene ends, it is over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like 23, but made to look old, too. Yes. speaking in riddles, which is really upsetting death stalker because he's very quite stupid. And it's like, she's a witch. Like, what is the point of being a woods witch if you have to have normal conversation? Sure. You become a woods witch so you can do riddles. You pulp babies.

You do riddles. You do riddles. And you have your assistant, who is me, set up the chairs for the meeting. So she tells him that he has to get the two other powers, which are the amulet that he didn't get. And then there's a gorblit. A chalice? Yeah. That he needs to get.

And she has the sword, which is the third power. Right. Where is the chalice? It's back at the crib. It's back in the crib. With a Moncar. Got it. You might notice him at the end of the movie throwing fire out of it.

That's correct. Yes. I recall. Yes. Now he's like on board to do hero stuff. But why? I don't understand what was to happen once he assembled all three magical items. Like what was the, what's the result of that?

I still don't know. It's like he should be giving like snake pliskin. I don't give a shit about your president vibes, but I'll go in and save him anyway because you're going to like sign the thing so I don't have to go to jail forever. Yeah. But instead he's just like, uh-uh. He really does spend the entire movie just being like,

eh, mm-hmm. Hey, DS, what are you doing down there, buddy? Oh. So he climbs into a hole because she tells him he's got to go into this hole and talk to this goolie that lives down there. Yeah. Yeah, this is Saraman. Yes.

Who is a good, like when we straight up meet him, he is a hand puppet goopet gooly from the movie. He is a hand puppet gooly from. I got to see if Goolies is a Roger Corman film. I don't think it is. I don't think it's a full moon production. I thought I had some Charles, but yeah, some Charles band.

Yeah, yeah, full moon. Okay, Goolies is from 85. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Rippin off. Nah. There's also a part where,

I really like where death stalker is crawling through the entrance to the cave, which is so short that he has to crawl. And one of these like rubber bendy, hangy guys on the ceiling pokes him and it bends. And he goes, ow! You're fucking death stalker, man.

Why would that hurt? Okay. All right. Why would we want to see him be hurt? I don't know. But while he's talking to the goalie, this big dude in another Gorblen mask shows up

and he's like 8 foot 7 Yeah where did he come from How did he get into the cave? Yeah he was back in the back of the cave Okay There's another entrance back there You can just walk in if you're off all I see well there's apparently no entrances or exits for Saraman

So what is his name again? Salmaron Salmaran Salmaran Sal Maron I got it Soramon Don't confuse me

So they got to fight He's got to fight the big dude and he just takes the new sword that he got and keeps touching the big dude with it and the guy's like, oh, oh. Anytime anyone has to wield a sword in this movie, it's very clear that there was no training, particularly Tiddy Warrior.

The only training he had was he does the Conan like sword spinning around himself. And I feel like he probably watched the movie enough times to figure it out. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seems like a man who would enjoy Conan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

While he's on the, the, the, what is the, list you go on when you can't play your sport. The injured reserve. Yeah, that's the one. Well, he's sitting back on the bench for the Winnipeg Piggies. Winnipeg Piggies. So cute. Winnipegis.

Oh, my God. That's adorable. So, Soleroman, Salmaron, Salmaron, Sal Maron. Sal Maron. Sal Maron. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Is, has been turned into a creature. Yeah. By Moncar? Yep. For 30 years he's been in this game. He says something, like, I'm trapped in here, and I thought, why can't you just crawl out the way Death Stalker crawled in. You are much smaller than he.

But he's got to be saved by a boy. A boy child must save him. I can only be led to freedom by a boy who is not a boy. Bro what? So he grabs the sword. The sword that he gave Death Stalker just a mere minute ago to fight the man with the big man. Wait, he gave him that sword. I thought the witch gave him that.

He had the sword. Oh. So he gets the sword from that guy. Wait, is this the magic sword or did she give him the magic sword? No, no, this is the magic sword. Then what did she give him? Not the magic sword. Just some...

Alan. How about... This movie... Alan! You could... This is the most possible to gaslight another human movie that's ever existed. No, no, that's when they went to Venus.

I feel like you're being a really bad high school boyfriend right now. Now tell yourself... Nope. No. So, yeah, he turns a Deathstalker into a boy. But he's still wearing the same little, like, loincloth out of him? fit. I'm distressed. But it fits.

It fits. It's a child size. It's a child size. So Death Stalker takes a Salamaran outside. Is he a toddler? Is there a toddler in this costume that falls into the water? I think it's a toddler.

Shh, don't tell the law. There are some little people later, some little men that I assume it was one of them. But in this moment, I was like, they just let a fucking toddler run headlong into that river. Would not be the first. movie that we've done that has that happened.

The toddler and a ghoulie's mask falls into the river and then it's a grown-ass man. It's a grown-ass man. And as soon as he gets the water, I want to call him Torgo, but that's not it. We can call him Torgo, it's fine. The Teddollger turns back into

full-blown adult Death-Togger with great hair. And starts roasting this guy about how he's not as good looking as he said he was. And I was like, he's a bit dashing. And you look like that. You look like that, sir. And his response is Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Yeah. Is this where we meet Crop Top? I only refer to that guy as Crop Top. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who played Jason in Friday the 13th, Part 3. Which one is 3? Is 3rd. I believe that's 3D.

I don't think we've done it yet on the podcast. You're joking. How is there one that we haven't done? Wait, I'm looking him up. Are you talking about my boy, Ogress? I refer to him only as Croptop. Because when we first see him, he is wearing like a real, really cute little crop top with sort of like hanging rivets.

Yeah. Like I would like this quite a bit. Yeah. The actor's name is Richard Brooker. Richard Brooker. Yeah. Jason in Friday the 13th, Part 3. Let me quickly read through the, um...

Oh, it's the first appearance of the hockey mask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it, I think it is the 3D one where they like shoot the spear gun at the camera. It is. Are you sure we didn't do this? I don't think we have. No, I think we have. Give it a gook.

It's a Steve Minor joint. But I guess he did Friday the 13th part two also. Yeah. And H2O. A movie I'll never stop talking about how terrible it was, but I will also always say, big, beautiful melons. Josh Hardner gave himself that haircut. He must have.

Four years. So this fella, cropped up, tells Death Star, or they get into a fight with some other hoodlums that are out on the road. I think there's another decapitation at this point. I think you're right about that. I'm trying to find my decapitation notes. Go on. And this is where we see him first do the sword spinning thing, spinning the sword around

himself. Yes. And so, Orgris, aka Crop Top. I can't, I'm not going to call him Orgris. No, no. His name is fucking Crop Top. Tells him that there is a tournament happening at Munkard's Castle.

Yes. Casa del Munkard. And Croptop also looks like a monkey, like a, with two E's. Like the, hey, hey, we're the monkeys type of monkey. Also, another, like, you're not a bad-looking dude. Oh, no, good-look-a-guy. Yeah, it kind of has a joker mouth, but other than that, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

I was mostly looking at his crop-top. So, yes, the winner of the tournament, the prize is to be Munkar's heir. Yeah. And Death-Salker's like, Lull, he never dies. Why bother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. to what I saw some review online they were like,

this guy's the smartest barbarian that's ever existed. It's like in one instance. In one, one instance, exactly. So now we're camping at night. Oh, sorry. During the inciting incident of this fight is the hoodlums that they found in the woods

were trying to rape a woman. Trying to kidnap and rape a woman who is wearing bright teal g-string. Yeah. I don't think they had like teal. die in medieval times. Must have. Must have.

Yeah. Yeah. So, okay, I, like, was so confused from the previous scene of death stalker turning into a boy and then turning back. We see the lady, once she's saved, she's hugging a boy. You're like, which one of them is this now? I was like, oh, it's the old man from the cave. And then, no, it isn't.

Sometimes people just turn into boys. I don't know. It's like her, it's her son, I assume. Boys are just boys. Sometimes boys are just boys. Sometimes you have to have an agreement with them. Hey, let's be boys. Hey, let's go have a boy come agreement.

Oh, no. So they're a camp at night, him and his new buds, Salmaron and Cropton. And they're hanging out. Yes. Then there's a rustling in the tree line. And Salmron's like, oh, B.T. Dubs. I had a dream about two men on the road.

Yeah. But you didn't mention that before, did you? No. And it isn't a man. Who is it? But first I have to fight this person. Sure. Well, yeah, you got to fight them.

It's not a man. It's Kiara or Kera or Kee. Brian Hayes. Former Pittsburgh Pirate, no, Cincinnati. Red, third basement. Gold Glover. You were so deep in baseball right now.

It's fucking summer. I have the street heat hat on as we speak. It's summer, baby. It's true. It's true. It's April. It'll probably snow again. So,

but what is the defining characteristic of this woman's outfit. No shirt. No shirt. No bra. No bra. No. Don't gaslight me on what a bra is.

She has a piece of black ribbon that's tied around her neck. It goes under her boobs. Does it lift them not doing any work? I don't think at this point she does. I think at this point she might just be topless with a waist holster. And she's wearing like a jacket, but her tits are right there. Like, it just makes zero sense to not wear a bra when you're doing athletics. It hurts.

Jumping without a bra on hurts. 21, she was. Yeah, it hurts then too. Also, we keep fading to black and I was like, this was this a made for TV movie because there are a lot of commercial breaks in it. Just a way to stretch this 80-minute movie out a little bit longer. It might even be 76 minutes. It's short of shape. It was an hour 19, so 79.

It's wretched. I refer to her as the tits out fighter. Yeah. She's, she, yes, she's, she's tits out.

She's going to the tourney as well. She is. Yeah. And death stalker while she's standing by the fire, starts at her toes and goes all the way up with his eyeballs. Yeah. Yeah, he does.

And then we, for some reason, we cut back to, inexplicably. To the women who have been kidnapped by Munkar. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And there's one that's just tits out draped in gold.

And I thought, Well, it could be worse if you're being human trafficked. I don't know. Because the thing about Munkar is that he's probably not getting it up very often. You probably don't come up that often in the rotation. Oh, true. So the rest of the time, it is just summer camp and you're wearing gold and like a cool, a really good makeup job.

I feel like the wizard lady from Conquest was like, oh, man, if I could just get to Munkar's harem. Yeah, exactly. So they get, so one of them comes skipping in with food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. which appear to be apples and turkey legs. Standard food. What are you having for dinner tonight?

The yush. And the princess is like, where's mine? All bitchy? And then someone just gives her one. Like, yeah, we share here. We are women. This was, I was like, is that the, I can't. I thought it was.

I think it's the princess, yeah. But she's like, she's just like, uh, I want a turkey leg. And then another lady's like, it said in the script, I was supposed to get a turkey leg. What the fuck? Where's mine? cut to a kid with his eyeball plucked out holding it on a plate so that Munkar can feed it to yet another ghoulie. So I feel like this looks so bad.

I did a Spirit Halloween store missing eye prosthetic for Halloween one year. And I looked dope. It costs $3.99. This kid looks so much worse. $399. Well, Alan, I'm rich. See? That's true.

Money to burn, baby. So yeah, he feeds the eye to the puppet. I love this puppet, though. This puppet is so cute. I think the puppet is literally just a pet. I was like, is this puppet his like source of power? Oh, no, he's just a friend. He's just a friend because later on when the one guy comes in, I can't remember his name, he comes in and he comes in and he's like, oh, what's up with Little Howard?

Howard, that's what it was. I was looking for it. Little Howard. I was going to say Earl, but that's... That's what you named that giant possum that's roaming your neighborhood. We don't remember that, by the way. Well, I looked for him today. Oh, yeah, sure.

I've been looking for him most days. Yeah, and he was, like, driving and honked at him. Where's Earl? He's driving across the tennis courts of the park, but why? So this guy comes in with a leather hat, and he's like, hey, man, death stalker's like right outside of the castle. So, uh. FYI.

Yeah. Did we talk, we, we have not talked about our shitty tattoos on Moncar's skull here, have we? Oh, you mean the, um, archa-toothist that he has on the side of his face. What is this now? It looks like a giant squid. Yes.

But it like, and then like, also at one point in the movie, it flip-flops his head. But he is like, it's like, the squid body is on his jaw line. Yes. And then like it stops at his college donut goate that he's got. College donut, Jesus Christ. And then it goes up. It's better than the other name for it. So it goes up and like...

See, you're gaslighting me. It's my own fault. I'm just kidding. Go on. It is my fault. I'm stupid. I'm just a stupid woman. What is Roger Corman done to you?

It goes up to his ear and then the tentacles spread up into his bald paint. It's very funny. And it's just like, why would you have sat for that tattoo? Why? Or is it like a magic tattoo that you gave yourself? I mean, he can. transform things so he must have chosen it I bet he picked it off a sheet of flash and was like right there in my head okay so we cut back to camp yeah tiddy lady is just sleeping on the ground

she's got her jacket pulled over her tities and death stalker comes over and just disrobes her and she's into it also the actress is wearing a wedding ring and I just find it So hard to believe, this is a Tom Atkins problem for me. Okay. Where every woman does not find him irresistible. I, it just, yes. But it almost is like, yeah, it's terrible. Yeah.

It's awful. And while he's. He does eat pussy though. Deathstalker eats pussy. He eats pussy and raw dogs. Ever so briefly. Ever so briefly. Just a little.

He probably just hawked a lugy into it. Put his gum in her belly button And knocked a lu get into it So but while this is happening Salmurad is sitting there going What? What? No, he's smiling down on it

Like a benevolent grandfather Watching his like beloved granddaughter graduate from high school He's just like Well this is really something I hate it Sunrise, sunset Like the movie clearly knows

that sexual assault is bad because it has to have the hero, the women want to fuck the hero, even though they are currently being human trafficked. Were that the only style of sexual assault that happened in this film? Yeah. But it's also, I mean, this is without a doubt an exploitation film. And it's just like, it just has to be purient for the sake of being purient to get kids in to watch this and like, scumbags.

It's just for tits. Sure. Tis for tis. That's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm not looking for a deeper meaning in a Roger Corman film. One point I do over it that says this film has the stink of Roger Corman all over it.

Wretched stench. Yeah, so now we're in the castle. And it's like the tourney's going to start soon. And some girls are getting kidnapped to go to Moncar. How many girls does Mocha? on car need. He's old. You know how rich people are. It's true. One's never enough and a million's never enough.

Are you ever really old if you're immortal? He seems to think so. Yeah, he does. He does. He does. So the girl, the woman who's kidnapped is taken to mud wrestling. Yeah. Yeah. The room that's for mud wrestling and more rape and acrobats. This is the longest scene of the movie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It is interminable. It just keeps

going and going and going and also I have mud wrestled it is so physically taxing their pool is very shallow yeah but the one I was in was pretty deep so you could like couldn't move your legs very easily like standing up deep I mean to like just below your knees so it's like sucking you down you know so you were doing like this is you were doing the dug a hole and put a hose in it mud wrestling oh okay this wasn't like the Greco Roman wrestling to WWE wrestling. You weren't like, well actually I was in a legit sport mud wrestling. Oh yeah, I was in a league.

It's called mud wrestling dumb women. Why are you mud wrestling? How did you end up mud wrestling? Sometimes someone digs a hole and puts a hose in it and says, does anyone want a mud wrestle? And you're like, yeah. Is that, is that not? Not an experience that I've had my own life.

Nah. Do you want a mud wrestle? I'll dig a hole in. your backyard. I don't give a shit. No, I heard it's real taxing. It is very hard. There's a pig man. Pigman sit at a table.

Some people are just animals also. Mainly pig man. Some people are gorblins and this guy's a pig. You're right. It's people gorblins and pigman. And he's eaten pig. And I was 100% sure when he picked up that pig head. He was going to fuck it. Yes.

But he doesn't. He just looks at it and then eats it. I don't love that. And when they go. into the party, Kara has put on I hesitate to call it a bra. It's pasties with straps.

It's pasties with an underwire, essentially. But I guess this is to indicate that she is a warrior and not a human trafficking victim. And a sophisticate. And yeah, it's nice of her to cover Nips for this event. Yeah, exactly.

She, Deathstalker has a young lady on his lap and she, like, removes the young lady. So Deathstalker and Crop Top, in this scene are just being total lutches to these women who are being held in captivity. Along with every other man in this room. Right, but Death Stalker is the titular hero. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anti-hero. Anti-hero. I don't know about that. Anti-hero. I don't think that's, it's that deep. Sorry, Auntie Hero. Very good.

That haircut. There's an old lady. How long has Moncar had her in captivity? And can she just go home? But she likes Sal- You get to age out like Minuto. Yeah, you should absolutely. Sal Maron, she's into Salmuron.

Yeah. And she like blows fire at him. Yeah, which is pretty rad. When she first, like, makes eye of contact. She obviously has a mouthful of something. Of accelerant. Because you see her go, But when you don't know that she's got a blow fire,

she's just like, why she looks like that. Where are your teeth? So, he also says, I have ruled. Wait, he does his, he's Clarence from, Clarence, is that right, from the warrior's speech? It's not Clarence. No. Doesn't matter. Fuck it.

Don't expect either of us to remember the same. No. He does his, like, big sweeping speech to everyone where he's like, I have ruled longer than most of you have lived. But I thought he just staged a coup and kidnapped the princess. Yeah, but he. maybe all of these people were just born. That's why they don't know how to act like decent human beings. He does this speech and then the camera turns around as just a room full of squalling infants.

It's like the nursery at the hospital. He's doing it through the window. No, like someone would be fucking those rubber glove holes in the incubators. Gross. So he's like, and you can decide whether or not you want good or evil. And the guy who has gotten into the, a mud wrestling pit with the mud wrestling ladies goes, evil. To which I wrote,

L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L-O-L. That guy also has to be a pro-wrestler. He had such pro-wrestler vibes. He really did. He really did. Munkard announces the first appearance of his newest prize, which means he just kidnapped the fuck. Okay, whatever.

It's fine. It's the princess. It's the princess. She comes in in a sheer nighty. Yes. It takes forever. for them to get her down the aisle on that sheer nighty. Yeah, because who does not watch in a woman being drugged by two dudes while she's kicking and screaming?

I'll tell you who does. Roger Corman. Roger Corman likes that quite a bit. I like the idea that Roger Corman has ever watched any of his movies. I mean, yeah, I know he's a hero to all of us, but come on. Stop saying all of us. He's no hero of mine. He's no Charles Band, okay?

Charles Band is my hero. Charles Band did give you one of the earliest you getting upset with me at a movie that we did your reanimator Oh yeah That was

You know Compared to this though Holy ghost Fucking hell Maybe I should give Reanimator another go I'll take some Disembodied Conalinkus

Yeah Disembodied Conalingas Our newest band That we have just started We have to have pseudonyms for that one. Oh, yeah. Because that can't be an album for,

I'll give you something to cry about. No, no, no. And that shouldn't be able to be tracked on like band to band.com or whatever. No, no, no, no. For that one, I will be Allison and you can be Eric. Which is what Google A.I says our names are. Why?

Mudman and pig man fight. Right, because the Munkar is having the woman chained to a wall so that she can be raped. Yeah, it's the princess. It's the princess. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, I could do it myself, but I pick one of you. And Pigman's like, oh, pick me, pick me. And he goes, yes, you are perfect. I mean, he is. To which I wrote, so they remade this one, huh? Now I just like, what did you fix? Yeah. And if you didn't, what did you do?

What did you do? Isn't Jason Mamoa in the new one? Oh, I don't know. Did I make that up? Pat and Oswald is. You might be mistaken that they do look a lot of. Oh, wait, no. Jason Mamoa is in the new street fighter that's coming out in October.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to see that. Pigman and Mudman are fighting because Mudman would like to be the benefactor of this offer. I don't know how to talk about this movie. It's so scuzzy. I mean, every time it's the sleazyest thing. Yeah.

It's the scummiest movie we've ever done. Oh, hands down. And we did. What was that sleaze balls at the bowling alley? Slime sorority babes at the slime ball ballerama. That's the one. This is so much sleazier. I don't even think there's sexual assault in that movie.

It's just women washing themselves for a really long time, which is the thing women do. Wash themselves, I mean. And judging by the movie, women have the dirtiest ass cracks that have ever existed. You got a scrub. You got a scrub. Just one hand, hatchet style right up in. down, right up and down. Gross.

These two do start fighting, and then every other guy in the room starts fighting. Why do they fight each other? They were happily doing acrobatics and raping before this, yeah. Oh, my God. At one point, they're fighting, and there's this dude who has a knife for a hand. Yeah. Why, though? Yeah.

Okay. And I think Pigman picks him up. Yeah. because he's charging, he's punching Pigman while Pigman's being held. And then Pigman picks him up and throws him and sticks him in the ceiling. It's fantastic, actually. I like that a lot. It's really fucking good.

In the, like, back, and things that are happening in the background while that's happening are really funny too. Like, the women in the mud pit are just, like, sitting their tits out watching. Just muddy tits. And then there are people fighting in the background, but it's mostly just sort of, like, fronting at each other until their chests. touch. Really funny.

You've been in enough bars. You know that's pretty much almost every fight goes down. It's true. And also we see, this is where we see Lady Warrior fight for the first time. Yeah. And most of her fighting is just flipping her hair from side to side. She whips her hair back and forth. Oh, just like Willow Smith.

Yeah. Wow. Look at you. What? You're like, pop culture of 15 years ago, baby. know it. Well, you want me teach you out of Ducky? Yeah.

All your bitches love you. All your, all your bitches love you. So, yeah. I was like, I was watching something the other day where, uh, uh, my lipstick is popping. My lipstick. Little mama. Yeah, little mama came on. I was like, yeah, I know she turned into a shit head, but that was a fucking good song.

That song is a bop. And of course, uh, I'm obligated to say, little mama and Averal Levine. You have to say it. You're illegally obligated. Just like we have to do every Justin Long movie. These people who have sold us their souls. So Munkard leaves the room once he starts the fight. And he goes back.

He's just like, I guess I'll go chill. He goes back to see The Eyeball Kid. And, oh, I'm sorry. While the fight's going on, Kara liberates the princess. And Deathstalker is going to carry her out of the room. and I'm sure be totally a gentleman. She loves this, though, that he's doing.

It's like, it's wild that both the villains and the hero of this film are chronic sexual assaulters. Chronic. Yes. Yeah. But Moncar stops him and he's like, hey, actually, I, that's, that's mine. That thing is mine. That thing with the hell of nips.

That's, that's mine. And Lady Warriors all jealous? She is very jealous. Because women. Because women. If they're not shopping, they're not happy. If they're not shopping, then they're bitching. Happy wife, happy life.

Am I right? What other awful things do you say? The old ball and chain, you know. So, Moncar's like, but hey, I'll clean her up and then I'll send her to your room later on tonight. Yeah, she'll look good for you. And Death Doggers like, that sounds like a great deal. The way he says it, he's like, it's a chill dog, I can't get a boner anyway. She can come see you.

Just a lip-deak loser down here. Yeah. When we see Crop Top again, he's. He's just swinging from a chandelier. Why? Why cropped up? But he's also, he's made a girlfriend. Right.

There's a lady who's enamored with him. He says to her hello again and she says, thank you. I paused it because I laugh so hard that I missed the next bit, which was like somebody ripping and there are another person's arm off and hitting them with it. That would be pig man. Pigman. If that does not become our greeting, Hello again.

Thank you. So Moncar leaves the room and he goes back to his room with the eyeball kid and the puppet in a box. And when he sees the eyeball kid, he walks by him and he pats him on his head. You're doing a good job. Hey, how you do today, buddy? Everything going all right? Doing a good job, baby. Work done?

I'm going to need that other eye later. But right now I've got these fingers that would have feed to Lil Howard. Lil Howard is hungry for flesh. I feel like if they had just started Lil Howard off on like romaine lettuce, maybe this wouldn't have happened, you know? Like a lizard. Just get him some mealworms. So while he's feeding these fingies to Lil Howard, his number two comes in.

Is this Kang? No, Kang's dead. No, Kang will be back. Because Monkard Kang's. Kang also Monkars. Wait. Oh, this guy does not look like he should be a number one. soldier.

No. This, he's very poorly cast for this role. His name is, oh, is this Tulak? No.

No, it's not, that's, that's the king. I can't remember his name. It doesn't matter. So, um, he comes in and he's like,

he rolls up and he's like, what's up, Lil Howard? Uh, so Munkar, I was thinking, and Munkar's like, you know,

I actually have a plan for you. Yeah. I'm going to need you to kill Death Stalker. First name, Death, last name, stalker, middle name Jeff.

Death, stalker will not live to compete in the tournament. Because the tournament, it turns out, is this genius plan that Munkard has. Fucking, the first mate here says, you will kill the winner. And Munkard goes, yes. And then it feeds to commercial again, I think. So, but yes, his plan is for all of the best warriors in the land to kill each other off.

And then he'll kill the last one standing. I mean, not a bad plan. And then there'll be no one to oppose him. That's right. Not a bad plan, really. I mean... Someone's got to kill Pigman. As far as Monkhar goes, this is a great plan.

Also, why does he not just turn them into sheep as he did the army? Well, might have been metaphorical sheep. Just turn them all on the followers? No, I don't think so. We didn't see a bunch of sheep. No, they don't have a sheep budget. So how is he going to do this? How is he going to have Deathstalker killed tonight?

I'm telling you. Munkar, a man with a plan. Man with a plan. Panama. Not going to... A canal. A man, a plan, a canal. Panama.

Fuck. What's it like to be so stupid? Oh, wait. It's me. Why are you stupid? Because you know a palindrome? Yeah. They might be giants saying.

Yeah. I liked they might be giants. Panama. Yeah. Who doesn't? They're great. Yeah? It's nerd music for nerds.

Nerd music for nerds. Yeah. The sun is a mess of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear. furnace. It's pretty good. Anyway. And then they rewrote it when they found out that it's not, that's not what the sun is. Yeah. I like what people can admit they're wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, his plan. What is his plan to murder? Deathstalker. Lord Munkard is going to turn his number one into the princess.

Barbie Benton. Barbie Benton. He, the way that we know he is beginning to turn into Barbie Benin is that he grabs his own tits. Start squeezing his own movies. Just squeezes it. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, And then he grabs where his dick should be and screams, it's gone. Uh-huh. It's not there. It's not there. It's gone.

He's really into his tits and thighs, though. Jesus. I got a theory. Oh, tell me. So, let it. Speed ahead. He goes to Death Stalker's room.

Death Stalker's like, well, I'll just rape you. But you like it when I rape you. As the movie, what this movie presupposes. What this movie presupposes? Is that if you look like Death Stalker,

it's chill. So this guy keeps rubbing his, his nether bits once he turns into Barbie Ben. Yeah. Who wouldn't? If I suddenly grew a dick, I'd be like cranking that thing all day. Yeah, just sticking in a cans of rice. I would do cans of rice?

I'll talk about it later. Alan. I'll cut it out. Put it in different things. See what it felt like. I'm like a jar full of pebbles or a can of rice. So. Can I get rice in your pee hole?

That's what I told her. And then it's going to blow up like when pigeons eat rice after weddings. You're really going to cut. all this gold. I'm so sad. So. Just cut her name. I'll cut every third word. Okay.

So Death Stalker during the essay grabs her and like starts like rubbing her down there. And he goes, what are you? Yeah. I don't think Munkard knows what a vagina is. No, I bet it's just like that Linnea quiggly bit in Return of the Living Dead when she's got that Barbie. Barbie.

She's got a Barbie crotch. Oh my God. Full circle. Everything comes back together. Nonetheless, this is as great a transformation scene as American Werewolf in London. When he's walking out of the room, still rubbing his tits and thighs, he turns around to make sure Munkard's looking at his ass as he walks out of the room. And I was like, hell yeah, you want to fuck your boss. I'm into it.

Absolutely. Yeah, because he starts walking. He like starts sashaying his hips because now it's just the actress that's playing barb-er, that is Barbie. Princess Barbie. Princess Barbie. her title. So he can't be hurt when he's touching the sword. Sure.

You gotta get the sword away from him. And she talks him into removing it with no effort at all. She says, ooh, that's cold. Yeah. She also says, again, which means, like, he has the opportunity to have consensual sex with a beautiful warrior woman. That's the other couple that that happens. Oh, is it?

Yeah, it's a crop top and his girlfriend. Because crop top comes, like, sneaking up on her. Oh, right. her blanket off and she says again. Yeah. But she's like, again. I am held here against my fucking will. This sucks actually.

If you, the problem with this movie. Yeah, I'm waiting. I can't even say it. No, go for it. No, say it. You go. You have to. You must.

You have to be able to shut off the fact that women are human beings. Yeah, totally. they're not in what if they were pigmen pigmen is granted more respect than the women are in this film 100% and he eats his own so he realizes there's something wrong with

Barbie Benton and it's like what are you get out of here and kicks her out he does the Harry and the Henderson thing nobody wants you here white fangs are out of the room yeah she runs out and runs into Kiara who's coming down the hallway. Now, at this point, the princess, which is the man, but is the princess,

is wearing like a long dress, crocheted, so you can see nips through it, but it's covering most of her. Nips and cheeks. Nips and cheeks. Nips and cheeks. Yeah. Fucking rich of Titty Warrior,

because when she comes out, she goes, let's get you something to wear and get you out of here. Your tits are out. You have no shirt on. But it's almost like the actress just walked in and was like, oh my God, are you okay? Yeah, you might be right about that. Just tits in the wind.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on now. Come with it now. So he suddenly turns back into the number one. Yep, and then they fight. Such a shit-ass sword fight. It's so shitty.

It's really, really bad. Really, really bad. But she kills him. She stabs him, but is also stabbed? She also is mortally wounded. When she touches her stomach and then pulls her hand away to check for blood there is none. Well, that's why you check.

And then she says, stalker, and then she dies. In his arms. I wrote, this is wretched. This film is cursed. Shit. So then we get the next day at the tourney. The tournament has begun. The ladies all come out in blue floral length gowns with her arms akimbo because reasons.

Walking like brides of Dracula for no apparent fucking reason. Yeah. Yeah. It boggles the mind because like the, the, Poe, the Vincent Price Poe Corman movies are actually very enjoyable and not at all rapy like this. I want to believe that that's Vincent Price being

like, I'm not doing rapy shit. No, I know. You see Witch Fider General? Yes. Yes, you have. But there's also that great picture of him in the costume buying candy for people, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the best. He is. Yes. Rip. RIP to a real one.

RIP to a real one. So he, we see like 50 fights happen. One of them includes a man with mallet turning another man into a puddle. I liked that quite a bit. I liked this montage because, as you know, I love blood sport and it felt like shitty bloodsport. Yeah, and I liked when he hammered that jello into nothing. The jello that he's hammering was the aforementioned knife hand guy, because the knife hand

guy stabs him in the dick and then he pounce him into jello. Is he the skinny, squirrelly guy? Yeah, I liked him. I hope he beat Death Stalker. I was rooting for him in the tournament. And there's so much more blood on any of these people's face. and there was on the Lady Warrior when she died. There's one scene that looks like someone gets stabbed and they start jizzing blood.

Yes. Like that fucking antichrist movie. Oh, yeah. I hate that movie. I know. You say that every time. I found it quite distressing. Cutting your clit off with a pair of scissors?

Sorry, spoilers for that movie. Don't even bother. Chaos reigns. Chaos reigns. I can remember what he'd said and I was going to say fun times. Fun times. Thank you. Excuse me.

I have notes during this part of the world she's just like, oh, crop top defeats gimp mask. And while this is, oh no, sorry. Yes, crop top fights and he wins. And then it's now nighttime and death stalker stalking around.

The old man is like peeping on people and then falls into the jacuzzi room. But this is the aforementioned. Right. He falls all the way through the pipe. Like a Mario. The camera, like, there's this 3D model, this model that is the castle that we keep seeing. It looks like shit, it's great.

No, it's cute, yeah. And like, so he falls and the camera just follows the miniature all the way down. Like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Yeah. Right into the shallow hot tub. Right into the shallow hot tub. He's all right. And the ladies were sleeping with full makeup and costume.

Around a pool. I love it. And they all wake up and go, yeah. They're all gathered around him. And there's this, like, comedy beat of him being like, I've been waiting 30 years for this. These women are captives.

These women are held against their will. Tell me about what are women again? I forget. I think they have tits and wear medieval G-strings. So fucking dumb. This is the scene where we see Munkar and the head tattoo is on the wrong side of his head. Great. Is this where he is crop top on the wheel?

Yes. Yeah, because that's what the old man was watching. He was watching Croptoe get mungle, into the castle. Right. And what do we find out about Croptop? I'm not sure, because Croptop is like, I brought you Death Stalker. And then he goes to Death Stalker and he's like, yo, Munker's about to kill you.

Yeah, you should run away. Yeah. He's working both sides of the fucking table. Why does Death Stalker kill him? Oh, that's right, because they have a fight. And I have my favorite note of the thing. They are boringly matched. They are.

Oh, my God, it's such a bad fight. But they like, he stabs the sword into the table. Yeah. And then they get really close to each other. And in the background is a bed with like a white fur blanket over it. And I was like, kiss, kiss, please. Oh my God, fuck each other on that fur blanket. I am here for this homoerotic whatever you're going to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He throws up each other's sticks. Just try each other's sticks. Just try it. Okay, you cut me saying that to you if it's not funny. If it doesn't land when you're editing. And if it did land, leave me telling you to cut it. Give it a shot, guys.

Seriously, you might love sucking dick on this fur blanket. whatever. Pound him on that bed. That's another note I have, I'm so sorry. Pound him on that bed. Because he does, he puts him on the bed and he pounds him. Oh, yeah. That's not what I was thinking.

No, no, that's your dirty mind. Why would you think that? But Deathstalker kills him and a lady girlfriend is sad. Why? One, where did lady girlfriend come from? You know, over there. Yonder, that away. to why he seems like sad about it when he breaks his neck and he's like I'm sorry that I had to do this to you

yeah this hurts me more than it hurts you you know breaks his neck and it makes the same sound that my neck does when I go oh yeah don't whip your hair back and forth so now it's the next day it's death stalker versus pig man the big the big the big fight this is where I kind of got into the idea of pig man inheriting the kingdom and just being like I am your pig king. I want to know what pig man's deal is. What is his platform politically? Roast pigs for everyone?

I just wanted his backstory, but I like the other. No, I need to know what he's going to do from here. Pigshead for every family. I don't know. Eat them. Fuck them do whatever you want. To this I have written, I am quite bored of this. And that's okay because, oh, it turns out it's nearly over.

There's like 10 minutes left in this movie. He stabs Pigman with the sword. And this is where the. ejaculating blood comes out of pig man. Yes. And then he points his sword at Munkar like Babe Ruth. I'm going to knock you out of this park. Yeah.

Oh, man. So he needs that power now. He needs a power amulets. He needs that chalice. Yes, we get the voice of the witch reminding us what we're looking for because I actually did forget. And then Munkar repeats it in the scene. So thank you for that.

Mm-hmm. And now Kang is back. I guess so. Yeah. Uh-huh. And the ladies are fighting back and killing people. So the troops are here to kill Deathstalker. These are Moncar's troops.

Why do they stop to take the time to rape the girls? They're meant to be killing Death Stalker. Oh, I know. Roger Corman. I see. I have written, why are they taking the time? Why is that man killing the men? Why is anyone doing anything?

And then commercial break. There's like a fight and he drops his sword. When I say he, I'm sorry, I'm referring to death Jeff Stocker. Jeff Stocker. Jeff Stocker is going to win the Daytona 500 this year. Oh, God, I hope so. Daytona 500 happened in February, my man. What?

Oh, no. Well, as long as Bill Elliott still placed. He's dead. Is Bill Elliott dead? Probably. If there's a God. Oh, my God. Bill Elliott is alive and well.

His child Chase, Elliot, is a NASCAR driver. Is that really the name you want to give to a NASCAR driver, though? William Clyde Chase Elliott. Because lead should be the name. Yeah, you don't want to be in the back. No, you don't want to be Chase. You don't want to be getting pounded on the bed. You don't want to do the pounding.

I mean, what? I need to do whatever you want. Maybe just try. Sorry, I had like a weird porn hub moment there where I was like, oh, oh. I don't know, Alan. Did you go to porn up and type in Deathstalker? You guys got this? I thought we weren't kink shaming on this show.

Rule 34, are you working on here or not? So, they get into a fight. Deathstalker and Kang into a fight. Is this where we get our third or fourth decapitation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, his face looks scared when it's on the ground. It's probably because they've buried him in sand. So he can pick his head back up and put it on his body because he's Moncar.

He puts his head back on and then he's Moncar. Did that happen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. And fucking, while that's happening, Deathstalker is turning into fucking Luke Skywalker and drawing his sword to him from a distance with the force. Is that a thing that Luke's go? that's pretty cool.

Yeah, you know, when the, when the Wampa knocks him out and hangs them upside down in the cave and Empire Strikes Back. Is that the first one? No, that's the second one. Then I haven't seen it. Well, it's technically the fifth one.

I've seen the first one and then the other first one. You saw episode four and then you saw... Well, I saw one in the theater with you once. Yeah. Did we see a Star War? Didn't we do it on a Christmas? We saw Hobbit on a Christmas. We saw Hobbit on a Christmas.

I swear we saw a Star War. Ugh. Might have. I just can say. I don't know. So he eventually gets the amulet, right? He's got the sword, he's got the amulet, and he needs to get the chalice from Munkard. Yes.

And Munkard is carrying the chalice like it's a popcorn bucket. He sure is. He, he's not delicate for being like a cool wizard, you know? Yeah, no, no, no. So he then, he like sparks up the chalice and it lights up real bright because there's a flashlight inside of it. And he's going to start throwing fire. He's gotten fire coming out of the chalice.

Yes. Something he didn't count on. Yes. Our guy's impervious to fire. Is he though? Walks right through fire. Because he, the sword like burns his hand and he gets a big old boo-boo. Yeah, but then he has to, the, the witch is like, hey man.

How'd she get there? Don't fall for what's not reached. She's a fucking tree witch, Katie. Okay. I'm sorry. And then, oops, he set her on fire. Yeah. Yeah, he does.

She says some great. of encouragement and then gets out on fire. Because women? We need women to suffer. If women don't suffer, are they even women? She probably also has her fucking period, you know? He walks through the big fire. He takes the chalice.

He throws Moncar to the crowd who then kill him. Yeah, they kill him by drawing and quartering him. But I think they only have him, because I think I only saw two horses. but the horses are being shot from underneath. Yeah, terror horses. And they actually look terrifying. So wait, go ahead, go on. Maybe you'll explain to me what I'm about to ask.

So he picks up the chalice. He picks up the sword. He's got the amulet. He touches them all. Freeze frame on a frame where he's slightly wall-eyed. It's very weird. It's very upsetting. And then the sword just shows up.

in like negative next to him and then Amazon was like you want to start this other movie? Yeah, that was the end. I thought I didn't see the end of the movie and I went back to watch the last few minutes and it was gone from resume watching. So he does this line first where he says like, I don't want your power.

I want rid of you. Right. This is the fuck your president line. I guess so. Yeah. All right. You're right. My last note just says he man shit here.

because he's doing like an I have the power Jesus fuck who suggested this the internet did somebody on discord and I was like I love a sword and sorcery we have not seen that one but I've seen a bunch of others it would be very fun if it weren't for just all the raping but then it would also be 12 minutes long I would be fine too with a seed of people fighting and doing acrobatics

I just want to see those guys do acrobatics while mud wrestling happens yeah I'm in for that I'll even take the one guy who's like, I'd also like to mud wrestle. Yeah, I'm getting in there with you. And they're like, oh, Jesus, here comes Glenn again. I'm fine with a movie where women are like, you know what? Braves and tops are very constricting, and I would just like to hang out with my gal pals around a chakus.

I have no problems with, I have no problems with nips and cheeks. None, none whatsoever. Yeah. Great. Want to rate this pitch? Yeah. You. Uh,

Roger, can I talk to Roger real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roger, um, why? Tits. No, but you can tits. Tits.

Okay, so. Yeah. How do I explain women to Roger Corman? The ones with the tits. Right, right. Yeah, I know. Those are also human beings. No.

No, no, no, no, they are. The tits? They're just tits. Sorry, talking about the women that are attached to them. No, no, no. You don't, okay, so you've got the tits. Tits. Cheeks?

Cheeks. Right. Between those two? Pussy. Which I don't know what it is. Holy God. Holy mother of God, what is that thing? Looks like an alien.

Is it going to eat me? It's a venus I trap. The China den Tata. Yeah, yeah. Two. Yeah. Apparently watch Death Stalker 2. There is me.

I think there's only one rape in that movie. Fantastic. That's a whole lot. By Donald Trump's math, that's 600% less rape. Oh, you talk about that convicted sex event? Yeah. I give this. one contemporary teal g string

one contemporary teal g string i appreciate that yeah may i read you a comment that we received on a post on reddit that i made um yeah oh no it's not i thought you're going to read the review where the person said that they listened to 17 minutes of episode one and gave up on us sir i was 30 years old

baroque obama was president and none of us had anything to worry about seriously. If something... One star. If something has over 500 episodes. We are almost to 600 with all of our bonus ones that have been in there. Maybe go check out 300. Yeah.

I'll see what happened in the last seven years. Yeah. It's like watching a little league game and being like, no fucking dingers. Yeah. Not hitting any fucking dingers. I had to watch an entire season of Parks and Rec that was not good before I got to I like that first season. That's fine.

It doesn't matter. We can agree to disagree. This is from Additional Pen, 365. Hello, Additional Pen, 3675. I love every time you bring up the AV Club article because that article is what introduced me to this podcast and all the humor joining community is Werewolf Ambulance. Oh, I'm glad. I can't believe you actually listened to the podcast after that little write-up.

I got to see what these sons of bitches are saying. Just being so stoked that we were on the AV club and then being like, wait, we didn't say that. We never said that. No. I can't even remember what it was, what the movie was, is it worth it? People dead. Yeah, it doesn't hold up. No, it wasn't. It said, is it worth it? Of course it's fucking worth it. Yeah. You know what's not worth it? Death Stalker. Save your hour 19. Yeah, there's so many other. Sword and Sandals. Yeah. Can watch Conquest. I don't give a shit if Discord was, our

was talking shit on Conquest the other day. They were talking shit on Conquest and they recommended this. Suck it. I don't think it was the same people. No, it was. It was Danny Discord as far as I know. Discord. You are one person.

You are one hive mind. You are cute. You are Q. You are Borg. You are one. What do you want to do next week? The new Death Talker? Fuck.

We got to see if they fixed. All right. Fine. We're doing it. Yeah. I do want to look at the cast again. Jason Mamoa. It's definitely not.

It's definitely not. You're talking about goolies? No, I wish. What if Jason Mamoa had been in goolies? Fuck that, Mariska Hartkeete is in goolies. Oh my God, you're right. Yeah, I know I'm right. Daniel Bernhardt is Deathstalker.

Oh, he's a Swiss actor, stuntman, martial artist and former model. He made his acting debut in the leading role in the martial arts film Bloodsport 2, the next Kumete. Have you seen this? I have not. It's 1996. And then he appeared in two of its sequels, Bloodsport 3 and Bloodsport 4, The Dark Kumete.

Alan, why the fuck do we have an action movie Patreon if we're not doing other blood sports? You know what? That did for me. Turn me on to Kung Fu. Pat Nosswald character in this movie is named Doudat. I'm sure he's treated super respectfully. do dad day dad

so yeah come back for it's on shutter yet we know you all got shutter why is shutter not giving us their goddamn money

I don't know Bob Bob Shutter hey it's me Bobby Shutter remember that character I do you remember Bobby Shutter

and according to the still from the movie Pigman makes it into the next Testalker movie no spoilers all right well if you want to listen

to us talk about Bloodsport and a bunch of other action movies along with the first season of line of duty. Yeah, with our third podcast, nice one mate. Nice one, mate.

But I like that the action movie podcast just doesn't have a name. No, it's our Patreon podcast. It's our Patreon podcast. And then our Patreon and then nice one, mate. Then you can join us at patreon.com backslash Whirlfambulence. Give us just a little tiny bit of money and you'll get a ton of entertainment. And you get to hear Alan try to do a Rick Flair woo at the end of every single episode and three, five, how many years in are we?

Never been able to woo. Cannot get it. Yeah. One of these days though, he's gonna, and then you're gonna be glad you paid that $5 a month. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. But also fuck Rick Flair. He's not a good dude. He's a bad man. Are you saying that because he's a pro wrestler? No, because he's also like a sexual assaulter. Sure. Yeah.

I hired he's a good tipper. No. I mean, he's a pro wrestler. What do you expect? Yeah. No. They're all, they're carnies,

but the evil variety. You know? That I'm going to give you. It's weed behind the tilt-a-world. But also, check out our friends' wrestling promotion. Enjoy wrestling. Those people are not evil. You like wrestling?

You like inclusivity? Yeah. Why are you fucking around? Why are you fucking around and not watching Enjoy? Also, if you want to listen to one of the owners of Enjoy talk about a wrestling horror movie, just look for... What fuck was the name of that one? Oh, Kane, it's C-No Evil, too?

I think so. He made us do the sequel, and we were like, on-brand, Kurt. Great work. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. He's a funny guy. You can go to Tea Public and pick up a t-shirt or a phone case or a tote bag. Yeah, they have teal fongs on there now that are branded.

If they did, you know I'd have one. If I just dropped trow when I was wearing one. And it just said, being fun is better than knowing things. She said Stephen Weber of that package. He hasn't sued us for his likeness yet. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of Wearwell Ambulance. Bye. Bye-bye.

Clear. Hello again. Thank you.