Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 563- Hell Night (1981)

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

In this week's episode, we are going back to a comfortable and safe space for us, the 1980s slasher, to discuss the film "Hell Night." Special topics for your consideration include: Linda Blair's coke habit, the Van Patton boy, confusion over the number of corpses, confusion over a beheading, confusion about a general plot, and Rick James. Want my advice? Go with Episode 192- "Night of the Demons" or Episode 265- "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama" instead. Those at least have tits! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes! We are also getting into the meat of our second season of "Nice One, Mate!" which is FREE EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A PATRON. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT"

Hey Katie. Hi, Alan. Welcome back to Wearwell Family. Thank you for welcoming me back to my own show. Of course. As your co-host, I feel like it's my duty. No, you are the host. I am the sidekick. You are the host, I am the co-host.

Aw. No, that's not true. We're the man. We're equal co-hosts. No. That can't be right. It has to be right. Not in America, 2026.

It has to be the same. I can't take the shit. No, this shit sucks. Speaking of things that suck. What? How dare you? Are you serious right now? There's a Van Patten in this film.

Vincent Van Patten. Do you care for him? I care for all the Van Patten. Do you? Dick Van Patten? Okay. Timothy Van Patten. What are you saying to me right now?

You know this person? I do know. Yes, I am old enough to remember the Van Patten family. Eight is enough, all of that stuff. I think it was eight is enough. Anyway, it doesn't matter. fan patent apparently this guy is a former professional tennis player and the commentator for the world poker tour that makes sense does it the tennis player does it mean he's buffett shit who which one is seth

it's the surfer oh yeah yeah yeah the the like is that william zapka no his nose is not prominent enough but it should be i like william zapka's big nose yeah of course he's a fucking hunk stunk old smoking dude love a big interesting nose oh yeah 100% 100% I was just talking Okay, here we go. I was talking to my buddy Sam. Are you familiar with the band Youth of Today? No. Okay, they're a hardcore band from New York City.

Okay. And apparently at one point, maximum rock and roll got called out for being xenophobic by referring to them as nose core because the two of the members have gigantic schnauzes. And it was just like... I don't think that's xenophobic. Lots of, lots of ethnicities and races have big noses.

Sure. But it was just like, that's the thing you're pointing out about. It's like jocky hardcore and that's the thing you're going for. Nose core. Remember Crab Corps? You're the one who told me about Crab Corps. Fuck, that was so cool. Do you think I was not at an emo fest and educating people about Crab Corps? You were you talking about Crab Corps?

Guys, Alan did such a good job at the fest in Los Angeles. Well, Santa Ana. We did play in Los Angeles proper next to where the giant. giant factory fire or warehouse fire was going on in Los Angeles. Oh, hell yeah. God, you're cool. God, you're so fucking cool. I'm saying that with all sincerity.

I'm not even saying that to be mean. Thanks, buddy. I'm not even doing a who is marveling in Marvel's marvels right now. You are so fucking cool. And I'm jealous. In my humble opinion, you are way colder than I am. What? I'm not going to Japan.

I'm not going to be big in Japan. It's going to be like the end of spinal top for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why not?

Why not? I mean, we did have a deaf knees band cover our seven inch like 15 years ago. You're so fucking cool. I'm actually wearing the shirt of Alan's band right now because he got me a shirt. And when I got here, I just changed into it immediately. The experience of watching people change into a t-shirt of your band before you play a show is so fucking bizarre. Coming from a band that like no one gave a dick shit about back in the day. That's not true, apparently.

Guys, go listen to Elder Tennis Net. Just kidding. It's Eldrich Anaset. You just have to enunciate. Also, they probably already know you're a rock star. They don't need me to tell you. Tell them what the fucking band is called. Oh, man. I don't want to be, though.

No. Too tiring. This is so much easier. You just watch a movie and then sit in an armchair. Watch a movie I want to watch. Yeah. Well, not this one. I have to say.

What movie are we talking about this week? We're talking about Hell Night. 1981. Starring Linda Blair. Starring Linda Blair. Not in the top of a cast when the movie starts. No, interesting. Yeah, yeah, you get a Van Patten before you get Linda Blair.

No one even knows who that is these days. No. She, in the first scene where we see her, has the Coke twitches so badly. Her eyes are like flitting around and her jaw is like working. Because this is not far off of her having Rick James as abortion, right? I have no idea what that means. She was in a relationship with Rick James. There's topless photos.

of them on the internet together. Jesus Christ. And he broke up with her because she terminated a pregnancy without telling him. It's her right to do... Yeah, you should tell someone if you're going to have their abortion.

You've been in a relationship with them for like two years. Counterpoint, it's Rick James. He did hold somebody in a basement in a chair. I don't think either of these people were doing a great job in the 80s, is what I'm saying. She has that unfortunate thing

of like her body grew up and her head remained Reagan. She's got a baby face. She's got a baby face, like a baby head too. She's got a baby head and baby cheeks and then massive jugs. Right out of the gate. I thought, oh, we're guaranteed to see someone's titties in this film. No, titties.

Tittless. Titless. And the woman, the woman whose tits you would have expected to see. The Brit? Yes. She's like sleeping in a bra and garter belt after fucking, which implies that she put them back on to sleep. She unsnapped them, put her panties back on, snapped them. them back up.

And it was like, I'm going to clasp this bra. Yeah. And I'm going to bed. Yeah. No. Why no tits? I don't know. It had a theatrical release.

Because like, it had, it was one of those movies on Shutter that has the weird commercial breaks in it. Yes, it sure does. And I, so I was like, was this a TV movie? Because there is one woman who flashes the very hunky, uh, Kevin Brophy. The guy who looks like snow white. No, no, not the guy who's looks like snow white. The guy who, Peter, who is like,

running everything. Oh, I called him Fraternity Grandpa because he seemed way too old to be doing this. I refer to him as this what passes for hot in the 70s. Yeah, dude. But she like flashes in, but she does it away from the screen. And I was just like, what are we doing movie? What are we doing? Sorority Slimeball would like to have a conversation with you about washing her ass for half an hour. Seriously, this movie would have been well improved by Tits. And we open on a wet t-shirt contest. Yeah, hell yeah, college. Hell yeah, college. But it's shot in such a way that you can't even tell if college is fun.

But there is a brass band, so I don't know, maybe. They were all wearing, they weren't wearing white t-shirts. They were wearing colored t-shirts. Yeah, that's not how that works. It's just wet then. You're just damp. You're just, damn. You just got caught in the rain.

Do you, is your second note, this reminds me of my college years? No. My second note is, I swear to God, college kids now look like they're 10, but these people look like they do investment banking. Seriously, drive through like CMU or Pitts campus And you're like, look at these babies Who lets them live on their own? These people look so old Except for Linda Blair, of course.

Yeah. They call her Marty is what we're told Presumably because her name is Marty. That's why they call her that. So we've got like some frat-shit hazing going on on Hell Night, aka Halloween. Okay, yes, it is Halloween, yes. And Linda Blair is one of,

Four new pledges. Mm-hmm. And so we're introduced to the characters. We learned that Peter likes to put it to the pledges. Mm-hmm. Put it to them. Put it to them. Put it to them.

Hey, look, sometimes you've got to put it to people. It's true. Especially pledges. We learned that Linda Blair is not the Van Patten Boys type. He's much more into the British lady. He's like, yeah, now that's my type. And it's just like a woman doing sexy dancing in a sexy outfit. Like, yes, sir, that is everyone's type.

literally everyone on the planet wants to fuck that lady. She's miming a blowjob at him with a sign taped to her back that says yes. Yes, please. Yes, please. Give me, give me, give me. Give me that dick. Oh, God. They say they can't start hell night until like somebody barfs and a window gets broken. Yeah, until like blorff barts and then something goes to the front window,

immediately a keg goes through the front window and a guy goes to throw up in the trophy case. I thought it was very funny, actually. This was my favorite part of the movie. movie. I gotta say, it's not that bad of a movie. I strongly disagree. There's no reason it should have been an hour and 41 minutes long. Very long. This is a slasher from the 80s. It is completely forgettable. Yeah. Just give it 83 minutes. It's 83 minutes. Oh yeah, you could edit this fucker down real quick too. It's slowly walking the film. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get a shot now that they're on there, they can get going. They're on the road in like a bunch of like

corvettes and jeeps with like scantily clad women on the hoods holding torches college baby and they get to a gate they get to a gate what's what's behind the gate garth manor garth manor garth manor yeah rock on wayne yeah yeah they have a gun also yeah yeah yeah yeah and one guy tucks it into his waistband like plexico burris if you don't know with that reference please go look it up it's one of the funniest fucking things ever unbelievably stupid. Putting a gun with the safety off in your sweatpants waistband. Sweat pants. What are you doing? The song Yeo by Faro Manch. He rhymes Mexico with Shoot yourself like Plexico. And every time it makes me laugh so fucking hard. Shoot yourself, Plexico. God, do you think I love that because I do. Oh, I love that. Oh, I love that.

much. I think you would love this song because it's just all references to doing cocaine. It's great. Yeah, you send me that. You send me that. I will do. We'll do. So they get to the gate. It's a spooky place. It's the Garth Manor. We get the like

backstory of it. Yeah. Yeah. Am I to understand that what happened the inciting incident of this family happened 12 years ago? Yeah. It feels like it should have been longer. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, especially since the killer is supposed to be a child when this all goes down.

Not a 75-year-old man. Okay, so this is really confusing. Oh, sure. It is definitely one of those, like, it's like that, what was that Slashar that I really liked? Was that Prouler that took place in the mall or in the, in the, like, Canadian grocery store? Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't remember what it was called, but I know which one you're talking about. Intruder, maybe.

Intruder maybe, yeah. And it's like, it's just like, there's a killer. Here's a plot. I don't know if those two things are going to match up. Give it a go. Give it a go. Yes. The backstory is basically that there was a couple.

Yeah. Who had children. Yeah. All of whom were in some way deformed. Yes. Peter describes a woman in the most offensive way I've ever heard a woman described. Basically saying she was so stupid. She was only good for having babies.

And she wasn't even good at that. If that's the most offensive thing you've ever heard, you've not been a woman. I know. Hey, thank you for being an ally. I'm not gay. That's a joke for just you and me. Just, just us.

Okay, so we are told that the patriarch of this family strangles his wife, bashes a child with a fire poker, impales another child with a fire poker. With the same said fire poker, yes. Slits another child. child's throat and then hangs himself.

But what about Andrew? Four children. Yes. Andrew did not make the cut. No. And then they say, the guy, Peter, says that when they got there, they only found three bodies. Right.

And he keeps describing Andrew as being bick or g-bked. They all say g-buck. It's actually a medical term for people with brain damage. No shit. And I was like, that can't be right. That can't be right. But here's what I don't understand. Yeah.

When there were one, two, three, four. There were five bodies, strangled, bashed, impaled, slid, hang. Right, but they just keep saying they only found three bodies. What, what does that mean? I guess he's not counting Randolph or Raymond or whatever. That's stupid. Yeah, yeah. It's like when there's like a shooting and the suspect gets killed, but they don't count them among the dead.

Sometimes in news things. Okay. But why is Peter saying this? Well, Peter is very concerned and compassionate. I understand. That's why he said the thing about the woman being only good at having babies. And not even good at that. I should have said it's the most offensive thing in this movie. In this movie, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. Apparently, the fuck is not. I had to look up B. It was like, you know, that feels like it could be racist. Yes. I got to double check on this. Later when it comes out of Linda Blair's mouth, you're like, oh. Linda Blair.

How dare you? Do you look up the topless photos of her with Rick James. I'm not going to do it. She's a child. It will always be for the rich. You don't see tits. They're just, they're pushing her. She's pushing them into him.

That's a weird couple, man. Isn't it? Yeah. Cocaine is a hell of a truck. Yeah. There are no, there are no utilities at this spot. So there's no phone, no electric. There is running water.

There is running water. I guess able to save a well. Yeah. They can't climb the gate. Right. Because there's spears on top of it. They do ultimately climb the gate. They do.

They do. So presumably they, all of these people did this too? The fraternities and sororities? I guess so. Why did it happen this time, you know? I don't know why there was a 70-year-old man inside of me, but I just have, I just hit the first note of me saying, is this going to be a tidiness film?

I paid admission to this. Yeah, yeah, that's not a 70-year-old man. That's just a perv. I need at least on Ariel. Give me a nip. So the four pledges are going to sleep in the house. The floor, four pledges are,

not an easy thing for me to say. Marty, a.k.a. Linda Biller. Seth, aka the Van Patten Boy. Denise, whose name I did not learn until three quarters of the way

through this film. Because the Denise arc makes no sense. Sure. Who is British? I looked it up. I was like, is she British pretending to be American or American pretending to be Australian?

or Australian pretending to be British, she is British. Okay, okay. But it doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right to my ears. She's failing at her own language. Yeah. And then Jeff. Jeff, I refer to only as snow white.

He looks, he is beautiful. He's beautiful. He has porcelain skin, rosy cheeks, perfect dark hair. Yeah, raven. Imagine him in like a blue and red and yellow dress. He is snow white. Yeah, yeah, just fucking seven dwarfs. Yeah.

Just get railed by seven dwarfs. Yeah. Why wouldn't you let the dwarfs fuck you? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? They're letting you live there, right? It's a fucked up thing to say, Alan. I thought you were an ally.

Why do I sound like you when I say those things? I don't know. It's weird because I'm not even here because women don't exist, right? Oh, I saw a thing that was from the World Cup and it was like video of Ed Norton talking to himself. Oh, yes. And it was him and Brad Pitt talking about it. I was just like, that's fucking funny. That is pretty good.

So the gate's locked And the way that Peter unlocks the gate Is the most you're going to kill yourself doing this He puts the barrel of the gun flush up against a lock And pulls the trigger to open it That is going to blast back into your hand The bullet is going to go everywhere What are we doing here, Peter?

Why do we have a gun? Yeah Don't have a gun at college Yeah luckily it's like me it's shooting blanks um I got a vasectomy I know but I just don't like to think about your skeet you know Katie what we're best friends think about my

skaters you barely acknowledge that I exist just kidding you're my best friend my platonic life mate couldn't be more honored So we have two male and two female pleasure And they're like, you can sleep alone or with each other In this whole manner there is one room with a double bed

And the other has two twins So but also the flapper lady, the Brit, the Denise Is the horniest human being that's ever existed DTF It's like, Peter's like, oh, I'm going to have to search you And she goes, it would be my pleasure, British, British British British British British And then he takes her coke.

He takes her cocaine. Why can't she have cocaine in there? Let her have her cocaine. Also, I'm not familiar with drugs. Yeah. Is doing ludes with Jack Daniels really going to make you up for fucking? Because I feel like that would just put you to sleepy time. I would think so.

I don't think ludes are a fuck drug. Listen, I just did a bunch of purple drank. So would you like to have sex now? Because I'm just vim and vigor. That sounds nightmareish. Can you imagine? So, yeah, she's got, she's got ludes, she's got Jack Daniels, and she's got a small radio between her tits. Yeah, the small radio between her tits is very good.

And Seth, who she keeps calling Wes, which is also very funny. Very funny. He's like, this lady rules. Yeah. And she's going to, like, touch my D and this fucking rips. I mean, absolutely. Yeah. He's also a beautiful human being.

Yeah, let the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's got that weird, like, swoopy. like it would have been an emo haircut if it was 30 years later. Right. Like swoopy bang. He's proto emo. Yeah.

Yeah. Jif. He's a rich boy. He's a rich boy. Which Linda Blair says to him and he says, you say that like it's a disease. Bro, it is. It's genetic. Yeah.

It warps your sense of being. There you go. He also has lit a Dracula amount of cancer. in this room. The candle budget for this movie is insane. I kept thinking like, you know, they had to have burned down. They had to, how many candles did they have to buy to make this movie? For sure.

Not that there's a lot of second takes. Not that there's a lot of takes. Everything is one shot. We don't have any more candles. That's it. He says to her, what makes it so evil to be rich? And then she answers. I can't remember what she says.

And then he goes, well, it figures you're a radical. What? No, she says something like, oh, because your wealth becomes, comes in the lifeblood of the poor. Right, right. And it's just like, that's legit. Yeah. That is, that's a hundred percent true. And this is pre-Ragan.

I mean, I'm sure I've quoted this on this podcast before. But if you're a trillionaire and there are children starving, you're not a visionary. You're a cunt. You're a c. Absolutely. Sorry for dropping the C-bomb, but I don't think there's anything more honest. No, yeah. He says he doesn't give a darn about politics.

Everyone should give a darn about politics, my friend. And then she says she doesn't give a darn about politics. Yeah. And then she's like, you got any toot. Yeah. I need a little book or sugar. I need a little, I, yeah, yeah, yeah. My teeth are not going to grind themselves away.

Linda Blair. I mean, Hollywood to a child. For sure. For sure. Yeah. The other two are already in their undies and he shoots her with an arrow, which I didn't love. Right in her booty. Right in her booty.

She goes, ow! And it seemed like it actually hurt the actress, and I thought, huh. But she's still going to bone down. No. Well, first she wants to talk, and he's like, now you want to talk? And then he starts surfing. On her. Yeah.

Yeah. He was cuter with that Robin Hood mustache. He takes it off. You're like, mm. Yeah. Put it back on. He explains the surfing to her. It's cute.

And then Scott, Peter, and May come back to the house, because they're going to set up all the goofs and gags to fuck with these people. Which they do so poorly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is the first time I noticed where the cuts feel like a TV movie because the score doesn't match up. No, not at all. It's very funny.

They're just like randomly, like, a couple times, like, they're mid-sentence. Yeah. It's very odd. Yeah. What are we doing, Bobby? Bobby Shudair? What's going on over there? Bobby, pull it together.

I didn't learn May's name for a while, so she's only referred to as top pony for a little bit. Top pony? Yeah, she got a pony on top of her head. Oh, I see. So Linda Blair and Jeff are drinking now, because he's brought a flagon of mead, presumably. She says, what kind of man is your father? And we're supposed to be more into their relationship because they're having an intellectual. conversation than these people who are just fucking,

but I'm really well more into the people who are just fucking. She's awful in this movie. Sir? What are you talking about? She's terrible. She's fucking terrible. And her character is such a whiner. Like by the end when she's, you know, as predicted the final girl.

I was like, I am not rooting for her in any way. She contributes nothing. She has no ideas and she whines. I was very confused by her Halloween costume. Yeah. Because it looks like she's supposed to be like a Victorian lady. Yeah, she's got a cameo. Yeah.

Yeah, she's got a cameo. But then she's got like these fuck me boots on. Yes, very kicky boots. They're very shiny. Yeah. And like knee high. Yeah. No.

That you can see because her dress is knee length. And I was like, this is very bizarre. Are you, maybe she's like a wild west. That's what I was thinking is she'll like a wild west mat up or something. Maybe, maybe. Yeah. I mean, she's got tits in the wind. Oh my God.

Yeah. But not full tits, which is what we're upset. about him. We find out she's a mechanic. Her father was a mechanic and she learns how to a mechanic. Right. That will come back up later.

Which I had forgotten about because it took me four tries to get through this movie. I watched in one sitting and thoroughly adjourned myself. I'm sorry. I mean, it's just. No, I think it's just because this is exactly what I,

like, when I, when I text you was like, can we do a shitty 80 slasher? Absolutely. And I was like, oh, fuck,

this is, this is on the tin. It delivered what it said it was going to be to me. I just feel like there are so many better, more inventive 80s slashers. Sure, 100%. This is, this is, this is, this is the band that was influenced by screeching weasel. Screaching Weasel rather than the Ramones. Got it.

You're getting, you're getting a Xerox copy. This is multiplicity. You're getting, you're going to. I love that movie. I love Michael Keaton. Michael's Keatons. He's so cute. You can't disagree with me.

would never. Yeah, you can't. So, yeah, he finds out she fixed the brakes on her car that she got for free for doing all of the English lit notes or something. Yeah, she gets a car, the best room and clothes for English lit notes. My God, guys, just fucking read Faulkner already. It's actually very good. It's actually very good. Sound in the fury is incredible.

I mean, I can understand that you're going to be a little upset when you have to read Dostoevsky. we get it. Yeah, you just got to get through it. You just got to get through it. So a pony falls into a hole whether outside, May. Top pony. And we learn that there's secret tunnels

all throughout the house. I do appreciate that this movie is interesting. I think it could have been a thousand percent better, of course. But I think it's interesting because it's blending slasher and haunted house. like spook house movie.

Yeah, fair. Because there's like tunnels under the house. It's an old creepy house. There's eerie sounds. Also, inexplicably twice in this movie, there is an eagle screech that happens. Yes, what is that bird?

And also, why is it so dark? I cannot see. It's not scary because I literally can't tell what's happening. So it kind of felt like, um, was that fun house? The Toby Hooper movie about the, um,

the like traveling carnival that had the killer like mutated mutant kid in it that um we i don't remember yeah but that also had like a haunted house kind of feel to it as well as well as being a slasher and a monster movie so i appreciate it for like blending all of those things together that's a that's a fair um compliment so peter's got some switches outside that he starts flipping to make screams and shit happen inside they do not ease into trying to scare the people in the house. You've got to start small. Yeah.

Just just just watch the house on haunted hill. Bit much. See what Vincent Price is up to. He's not dropping Skellington some people right off the bat. No, that's later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the boys investigate, they find the speaker because the girls are useless because women be useless.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? If they're even real. And we're not saying they are. God, no. God, no. We're not. We just don't know.

Science doesn't know yet. I hate that I made a joke that even I'm uncomfortable with. Look, we've been doing this a long time. You've made a lot of uncomfortable jokes. Please catalog them back to me. I cannot. There's another offensive thing said about women, which is that the two boys who are playing the pranks,

one of them says we should have left her behind. And the other one says, why her behind is the best part. We should have kept her behind and left the rest of her. What are you fucking Henny Youngman? What's happening right now? It's a terrible joke. And then I also just imagine cutting off a woman's ass and being like taking it around with you. Just fucking all the sudden Peter's a borsh belt comedian. Is this also when a, uh, uh, Scott refers to her as a twat? He does call her a twat. What a twas. He says, what a little twat. Jesus. I was like, I don't remember that word in the 80.

at all. No, it feels too modern. It's... And twad? What are we doing? Every time I use the word twat, I feel very edgy. Oh, my God. Yeah, like your mom's going to yell at you. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I like look over both shoulders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's...

There's not an equivalent for, like, cock, like, for the penis. There's not, like, an equivalent, like... Yeah. Oh, that's... Oh, look at me. So Peter's disappointed because they found the speaker. Nerd calls the lady a twat. And then May goes, they're like, send May off on her own. Yeah, I don't remember why.

And she, because Peter likes to watch is basically what he said. Yeah, he's like, yeah, she's like, well, I'd like to watch too. And he goes, okay. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But she immediately gets grabbed by spooky hands from a hole. Yeah. And then.

Feet shadow weapon beheading, I have written here. Yeah. Yeah. She gets a fucking head. That sounds like a good emo band, doesn't it?

You emo bans. I mean, I can't make fun of anybody. I was in a band called numbers are neutral. Numbers are neutral. Miles to failure. Like,

I hate all the, like, things you're supposed to do. Virginia Black Lung is a great name. Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Which I had no,

no hand in making. I feel like we're just plugging you this week. It's a big time for Al. This is a big time. This is Alan's big moment, and I just, I am very proud of him. He's been doing a lot of incredibly cool things lately. Oh, thank you so much.

Interviewing a Pulitzer Prize winner? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Playing to a thousand fucking screaming people. Yeah, it's wild. I've been doing a lot of things that, like, I may not have always been comfortable with doing. So I am also proud of myself for, like, putting myself out there. That's why I'm proud of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not proud of your success. I'm proud of your effort. Oh, thank you. The success is rad. Yes. Yeah. So yes, I loved her beheading. I thought it was great.

And now I'm realizing I'm a fucking moron. Because later in this movie, her head shows up in the bed. That's not Denise's head. Right, because it was driving me insane. They were like, we have to find Denise. And I was like, you saw her beheaded head. No, you're right. It's May's head.

And now I'm like, wait, why aren't they like, how'd May get here? Yes, exactly. Our friend is dead. She who Linda Blair, came to the party with. Yeah. I was so getting so upset about them being like, I have to go find Denise.

I already found her, bro. Because there was a part of me that like when I finally figured it all out, I was like, am I just a dickhead who mistakes two blonde women for being the same person? Honestly, they were really similar looking. Sure, I'm sure. Especially when one of them is just a head.

Just ahead. And I don't think she had a top pony as just a head. Yeah, yeah. No, no. He took a pony. He's like, that's not a good look for anybody. No. I like a top pony. Sure, who doesn't?

My hair used to be longer. I would wear the top knot. I did stuff around the house. And then you like, um, then you did some yoga and put on your linen pants and went to Whole Foods. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, ate, uh, avocado toast. I love avocado toast. I love avocado toast. There's a reason it's good.

Yeah. It's fucking delicious. It's good. And you could pair it with any. Oh, it's so. Oh, so put an egg on it. Oh, my God. Are you joking me right now?

A little, put a little, I know you eat, but fry up a little bit of prosciutto, make it a little crispy. Yeah, yeah. Spack. Speck is also a good choice. A little tene on there. Tihin? Tahin. Yeah.

Yeah. Or a little, we have like everything bagels. Everything but the bagels. Yes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. I've been using the Trader Joe's everyday seasoning on a lot of things like that. I would have highly recommend it. We'll check it out. They have good spice blends. They really do. Yeah. I don't go there as often as I should.

Because their groceries are like pretty moderately priced too. Yeah. And you also like, I feel like you can't do a full shop there. No. You got to supplement it with like an all day run or something else. Right. Because like sometimes you need aluminum foil. Right.

Right. For sure. Or just like... And then if you ask them, do you carry things like that and they look at you like, you are stupid, but have you tried our artisanal soaps? Can I have a cucumber that's not wrapped in four layers of plastic? Is that possible? I don't know.

You should know better. Come on, Trader. Come on Trader. What are we doing? Also the like lightly racist prepared foods like Trader Giotto and Trader Wong or something. Trader Ming. Ming. That's come on.

There is a great Kyle Canaan joke about that. That every night when the new food gets dropped off, it's Trader Joe who comes in and then does all of those characters and extremely racist impersonations. And it's just some new employee going, why are we putting up with this? Shut the fuck up. This is why we get health care.

It's on his first down death of the party, which I highly recommend. You're a big Kyle Canane guy. Big, big, big, Kyle Canaan guy. Yeah. I love, did he do that podcast? Um, no accounting for taste. Was that him? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I really enjoyed that. Yeah. Yeah, he's very, very, very funny. I love a, I love a bearded funny man. Uh-huh. Are there any other kind of funny people, really? I don't think so. Just white men with beards.

Who else exists? No one. Do yourself a favor. Befriend people who aren't like you. It'll make you a more well-rounded human being. Nah. Oh, boy, howdy. So, um, there's a scene where Jeff leaves to go investigate something.

And Linda Blair is on her own. And a wind blows in and blows out half the Dracula candles. And she goes, Jeff? Why would Jeff do that? Why is Jeff a wind? Why is Jeff a wind? Jeff's just been blowing big farts all night. At some point we see the ghost for the first time.

There's like clanking chains. And he looks like he belongs in a different movie, like Carnival of Souls or something, you know? But that's Peter and Scott doing that. Oh. Yeah, that's like them projecting a film of the ghost. That makes more sense. Actually, he's scarier than the...

Than just the old man with a lump on his head. Are there too... Yes. Okay. Yeah, there's one that looks like an Amish werewolf and there's one that looks like an old man with a lump on his head. Okay, got it, I guess. Which one's...

You decide. Linda Blair says something like, well, there's two g-hicks. I don't even want to say g-gop because it still feels like I'm saying something offensive. It does not feel good. It doesn't feel good. Oh, God. This episode is going to get a thinnered because we've been saying that you work. So it's actually a medical term.

Yes. Yeah. For brain damage. Yes. It sounds like an Anamopoeia. You know, it's a little. what I mean? Sure.

It's getting, it's getting hit in the head. It's like a, you know, dinger? Yeah. I refer to the ghost as Randolph's ghost, and then two notes later,

I'm so sorry. That was Raymond's ghost, not Randolph. Oh, you should be sorry. I said, sorry, buddy, like I offended Raymond. Everybody loves them.

So, Scott's going to go to the roof, because now they're moving on to phase two, which is physical terror. Yes. rather than the auditory terror and the fake ghost. Yes. So Scott's on the roof prepping a dummy.

Yes. And he hears a noise. And he's like, Peter? Jeff. Jeff? Jeff. But it's not. It's our killer.

It's our gork. Who breaks his fucking neck. Yeah. Twist his head completely around. Which has to be an exorcist reference, right? Oh, I didn't think about that. Yeah. It's got to be a little Reagan nod.

Do you think they were like, hmm, should we have him masturbate to death with a crucifix? Or should we have him spin his head around? I wish they would have had him masturbate to death with a crucifix. Or jammed his own mother's face to his crotch so her face comes up bloody? What the actual fuck exorcist. What a movie. What a weird movie.

Wait, did we do the second Exorcist movie on this or on Gam? I think we did that on Gam. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, we did because. Tap dancing Linda Blair. I believe, uh, he. Heath had never seen the original exorcist.

That's right. That's right. We were going to bring him on to do Exorcist 3, but we're terrible at sending email. We're terrible. Yeah. We should really just send that email. We're terrible at planning ahead. It's true. We barely get this recorded every week.

It's Saturday morning right now. This is coming out on Monday. Jeff and Marty are going to bed. In the twin beds. In the twin beds. She's no fucking fun. Go on. not she's no fucking fun at all she's like not even willing to entertain flirting with this like hot

dude keep in mind the woman who just said that showed up to me it showed up to my house today in a t-shirt that just said no fun across it's true i i like like like game recognized game no fun i don't know if fucking sleeping beauty is going to sit on your bed snow white's going to sit on your bed without being invited and you're like listen i know rick james I know where this is headed. You've got to get out of my bed. I'm more of a Rick James than a snow white girl. She's like, I suggest you do the same about going to bed.

And then he sits down on her bed and she goes, wrong bed. Why not? He's nice and he's handsome. I love this low bar you're shooting out there. I think I'm really in a dark place in my life. Shit. It makes for good comedy, right? Guys, am I being funny?

Write in. Let me know. Please tell me I'm not. It's what I need to hear. Do you have a note at this point that said, really thought there'd be tinnies? Yeah. Wow.

You threw out. My final note is, ha. Weird. This is where we see that Denise has been sleeping that bra and garter belt set. Which, like, she's like, I can't sleep.

No fucking wonder, dude. You put that shit back on. You're on Kualudes and you can't sleep. You're crazy. You're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. You've, on quailudes have probably had unsatisfying sex with the man named Seth, who you think is Wes. When she gets up and goes to the mirror and Peter's going to do a mirror prank where he does like a flashlight at a two-way mirror so she can just see his monster mask.

And her reaction is, oh, those quailudes are terrible for my skin. These quailutes are murder on my skin. Are quailots bad for your skin? Maybe she just fallen asleep without washing her face. You got to wash your face, guys. Even just a little splish, splash of water. There's also the old snake in a drawer here. She opens a drawer in a snake pops out.

Peanut brittle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She also puts on her heels when she goes to walk around now. She's like, I love being uncomfortable. Yes, she falls asleep in those heels later. And I thought, Jesus Christ, like, I can barely fall asleep in my, like, linen sheets that are spritzed with, like, a lavender scent. my fluffy blanket in my like cozy room. Yeah.

This bitch is sleeping in a garter belt and heels. She's just doing it. I can't sleep with socks on. Ooh, I like to sleep with socks on in the winter. As a her suit man, my toe hairs get caught up in the socks because I move around a lot when I'm sleeping. You don't want that. I don't want that.

I don't want that. As my wife likes to point out, I move my feet a lot while I'm sleeping. Who likes to point it out? My wife. Who? My wife. Thank you so. much. I don't know if I've ever heard you say my wife before and not I don't know if I've ever

heard you call Missy my wife before. I think it's very good that you just did because she you guys are married. We're married. Fucking did it. Yeah, you did. Yeah. A lot of big things coming up in Alan's life. It's all coming up, Alan. I'm fine. Listen, we hear on this teeter daughter. You look, we could not have the same marital status. You just had to go and get married. What if you really did blame me? Peter goes to look for Scott. He goes up, climbs the ladder that gave me,

this is the thing that gave me the most willies. As a 300-pound man, like, thinking about trying to climb a wood and rope ladder, I'm like, oh, I'm going to break through that thing halfway up. Oh, no, no, no. Is someone being chased through, like, a hedge maze here? That happens after he goes up on the roof. He finds Scott's body is hung on a windch. for some reason because once again,

these serial killers also have to do creative things with the body after they've killed them. That's just their vibe. Yeah. They've got nothing else going on, you know? Oh, man, I do this all the time. I murder all the time. Every year they bring these, they feed us these Greek life members.

But no one else has died seemingly or they probably still wouldn't be doing it. No, it doesn't seem like you'd go back. No. It doesn't feel like Peter would do it again. So, yes, now he's running. And there's intense music and he's in like a hedge maze or a shrub maze or an ivy maze. I can't quite figure it out.

Too dark. Too dark. He makes it to the gate. But then he gets attacked by the killer. He drops the keys and then picks him back up. Hits his assailant with the flashlight. Yeah. And he gets like clawed or stabbed or?

Oh, he gets killed. The assailant, the killer has a like a hand sithe. that he sticks him through the hedge with to kill him. Pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we're back with Marty. She wakes up, says,

do you believe in angels or whatever? Who was it that asked you? Was it Josh? It was Josh. We were watching the band Goathor and the singer sang the lyrics and the angels become our hoars. A thing where he motioned the angels head down to his crotch. So cool.

It's so cool. So fucking. So fucking edgy. It's like calling someone a twat. And Josh just leads in and goes, do you believe in angels? And it was top ten funniest things that ever happened in my life. Does Josh believe in angels? I don't think so.

Interesting. So she says, do you believe in ghosts? Which is fair. And she's like, I thought I saw a witch once. It was like where you wake up and you think you see something. And he says, I saw an elf once. She doesn't ask any questions about this. She's like, all right.

We get, um... Oh, no, wait. So she finds out that he saw an elf once. He has no follow-up questions. But now she's DTF because they're both weirdos. That's right. I mean, if it were that easy for men, just tell a woman you saw an elf once and she's like, fine.

Here's my puss. Hi, I'm Andrew Tate. Tell women you see elves. I was all in a movie. It worked. I'm a really wholesome Andrew Tate. This is just some advice. I don't know. I'm trying to think if a man told me he saw an elf.

But I'm the person who would be like, tell me everything about this elf. Draw it for me. Describe it for me. Paint me a word picture. No, you just turn into Niagara Falls downtown and you go to town on him. He's like, is it raining? And I'm like, no. That's me dog. That's me doggy. I five. Speaking of being wet, we get the other couple is kissing. But the music that's playing is very melodramatic as if they are like he's going off to war and this is their final kiss. But they're kissing, giggling and wrestling.

Yeah. You appreciate that he has no personal dignity and that he is willing to just be called Wes. Sure. Yeah. But like because the outcome is that he will get to have sex with the horny British lady. I have written here the thing about dry humping is. It's an evergreen. It's always going to be there for you.

I mean, you can always dry hump. Sure, in any situation. Any situation. It's appropriate. To try. When you're wearing your linen pants and your top knot of the Whole Foods. When you're at an emo fest, yes, I saw it. Dry humping.

Yeah, yeah. There was a little bumping and grinding. A little grinding. A little grindage. A little grindage. Yeah. Nobody was wheezed in the juice, but there's a little grindage. I love him, man.

Why haven't we done that for our action movie podcast? He says he's going to the jump. And she says, John, I thought your name was Seth. That's pretty funny. It's like, what 60-year-old movie man wrote this movie? It's a young man. Yeah. But also, I do like that she knows his name is Seth, but keeps calling him Wes anyway.

Good for her. She's negging him. Good for her. Yeah. Hi, I'm wholesome Andrew Tate. Call men by the wrong name? I want to see if your dick could get hard where I'm just being rude to you the entire time. I mean, that's like a brat kink, right?

Like, what's that? Brat, brat fetish. It's like, you know, um, not the Charlie XXXX Brett Like uh you know It's like role play It's like getting off on knowing you're super annoying Oh I got you I got you

Brad kink Brat kink Um So she's alone when John Seth goes to the bathroom And the perverts been watching him wrestle kiss So he comes in now He's also a cuck He's also a cuck

This movie's just about kinks that will be popular 30 years in the future So fucking subversive at the time though. The cut to him standing over her sleeping is pretty good. You see him from behind and he's just standing over her sleeping body which is very, very good. They cast a big dude very imposing.

Yeah. We still haven't seen him really. We got like a flash of his face with a flashlight from Peter earlier when he died. But like that's it. So the surfer goes to pee. He comes back from the John. He gets back in bed and like goes to pat her leg. Yeah.

And it feels a little weird. weird. And he removes the blanket. And it's just her head. It's just her head,

but not her head. God, you'd think they could have cast a dark-haired woman in that role because you would know Linda Blair.

You're not going to think it's Linda Blair's plus she has a very distinctive face because she is the face of a six-year-old. Yes. Why couldn't they

have just cast a dark-haired woman? I don't know. Okay. Did they not have brunettes in the 80s? Other than Linda Blair?

No, she's the only one. No, Linda Blair, like, the one lady from Three's company. Like, that's pretty much. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever happened to that lady? You probably know. I don't know. No.

70s, 80s, TV shows. I don't remember much about them. Didn't you just reference? Sure. Okay. So he freaks out. I do like when he screams because he screams like a young girl. Yeah, it's very funny.

Yeah. And Marty's like, that's Seth. Yeah. Why did she know his scream? How does she know his scream? Like, they've been hearing fake screams this whole time. I don't know. I have talked with you every week for 12 years.

I don't know if I'd recognize your scream. Should I scream and you can tell me if it sounds like me? No, because I would know it's you because I'm sitting across the room from here. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to come outside your house one night this week. Okay. When you don't know, I'm going to be there. I think I already ruined it.

That's Katie. so they go to and they see not denise's head and now they're like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh boy oh boy oh bother oh bother they all turn into winning the poo they've got the gun don't you worry they've got a gun yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and they're this is where i start freaking out because they're like we have to find denise and i'm like you just saw denise you just saw her what are we doing here clearly something caught off denise's head so like don't go back in there with that something, you know? Do you mean the rest of Denise?

Yeah, you can just leave that bead. That's a problem for later. I really like those garters. I was thinking if I could loot the corpse. Well, you know, Linda Blair will do anything for free shoes or whatever. So they get out to the gate. He tries to shoot the lock six times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fails. I feel like at that distance, that's point blank, you know. What is that about? Yeah. Yeah. No, Seth, surfer, not brain scientist. I don't see what he's doing wrong. How many tries would you try before you realize that no bullets were coming out of a point-blank gun?

Oh, they're blanks. Yeah, they're blanks. I see. Well, that's good. Much like my skeet. Skeet, skeet like a fire hose. Superman, that hell. I was going Lafey Tassie.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. That was when Lucy asked me what Skeet meant. He said, I don't know. Oh, Allrich. So they're going to try to climb the fence. And Jeff's like, wah, girls can't climb. You're never going to make it, you dumb girl. And you know what?

She doesn't. She doesn't. She falls back on to him. But Wes makes it. Yeah, West does make. He gets a little cutty cut on his arm. Yeah, I was expecting him to just impale his own damn self and be done.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, I think I'd dig under it. Okay. So they throw his boots over the fence. Yeah. And this is where you see that there are eight inches of gap under the gate. Oh, I didn't notice that there was. Yeah.

So that would be my first thought would be to go under. Yeah. And I understand with Linda Blair's ample bosom that it might be a problem getting her under there. But then again, you just spread them on the other side of the bars that go right under. I want you guys to know that obviously, you know, we don't. do this visually. We do only an audio medium here, but Alan pantomimed pulling breasts, his breasts apart to basically like an akimbo angle to his body. Do you think, do you, I mean, they can be mushed like a sports bra. No, you just, you just put them back in your armpits like floaties.

Sir? Maybe women don't exist. non-corporeal beings. Did you say like floaties? Yeah. I'm so tired. Do you know how exhausting it is to be this stupid? So he makes it over. They get him his boots and he runs off.

He runs off. He does so much running in this movie. I love it. He just runs all over town. He runs back to sorority town for fraternity. Greekville, let's call it that. Greekville. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And no one's. awake and I was like sir on Halloween night it's you're on campus like you got to be able to find somebody yeah but no one's around right so then he runs to the popo house right and they're mad his little heart out they're so mad yeah yeah he he he yeah they the police don't believe him because he's like a frat dickhead right so it's like I don't know yeah they're Matt they're mad because Peter's little minions have been fucking with them all night. The boy who cried stupid, I guess. Katie and her co-host, the boy who cried stupid.

People aren't going to believe you next time you say you're stupid. Meanwhile, while he's doing on this running, Jeff, and Marty are like, we've got to go find Denise. And I'm like, fucking hell. I'm so furious. And at one point they hear like a tapping sound. And it turns out to be the guy Scott's hanging body He was a pirate

And he had like a plastic parrot on his shoulder And it's tapping the window To which I wrote, not bad No, it's good, it's good I expected it to be blood dripping Yeah But instead it was a little plastic parrot boy This is where

Jif realizes that No one's coming to get them Because they have all died He finds fraternity grandpa stuck to the tree Sure, yeah And he had the key in his finger But Jif did not notice. He doesn't notice, yeah.

Okay, so wait, we're back at the police station. Back at the police station. They have just a room with guns all over a table. Oh yeah, every cop station's got the table guns. What kind of fucking police station are they running here? With ammo. With ammo and accessible by the general public. This police station is bustling.

But also, I have a question for my man, Seth West, John. John Seth West He looks at the table There's a shotgun There's an M-16 Assault rifle Sitting there And I was like

That's not what you're going to Why wouldn't you get that? Get that one You have such a better chance of killing I mean shotgun's pretty good Because you get the spray Yeah But M-16 just hold that fucking trigger

And dog Yeah What are we doing here? Nope he goes with a shotgun And then climbs out of window Yes jumps out a window With a gun Here we are

And then runs through town With a shotgun I think he's athletic enough to sprint all over the goddamn countryside. I feel like he had a superior 80s ab. He was a very fit gentleman. Very fit gentleman. Professional tennis. Yeah.

Hard sport. So Jeff is going to head down to the garden because he sees a light. And this is when he doesn't see the keys. But he does eventually find a pitchfork. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. And this is also we get that eagle screey. again for no fucking reason.

Why? And so he's now in the hedge maze. He gets the flashlight from Peter, doesn't see the keys. And now he's like in where we see him back in the room with Marty. They don't seem to have even barricaded the door to the room. No. No. Why would you do that?

But he's just sitting there holding like I refer to it as the pitchfork is locked and loaded because he's just holding it out in front of him. and I was like, you're going to get tired. Yeah. Your arms are going to be exhausted. That's not what you want to be doing. No. No.

But something is moving in the background. Thought that was great. Rising up out of the pumpkin patch that he deems the most sincere. And I was like, oh, that's going to be Seth. They're going to kill Seth. Oh. Because Seth is running back to the house now. Yeah.

And I was like, that's a fun little twist on this. They're going to kill the guy who's come back to save them. Right. But it's not. No, he starts stabbing with the pitchfork while Linda Blair's tits bounce on the bed. And he tells her. to pull the blanket off of the whatever it is. I just got an image of her like giggling and saying, get him, Jeff.

Squeezing her boobs together like Lindsay Lohan and that jiff. Well, she had to, you know, after she had them in her armpits, she had to pull them back together. She had to put them in their original setting. Right. Just locked back in. Actually, I have a knob that I turn and it's like they're like gears. It's like cogs and a wheel, you know. I mean, it just depends on what.

package you get. That's right. That's right. And this day and age, that's probably a remote control for it. I, you know what? I like the manual. It's like, you know how you, I don't like to drive a car where you have to push the button to turn the, to start the ignition. I like to turn the key. Sure. Yeah. That's how I feel about my tits. I mean, you still got those roll-down windows in your car. Celeste does, I think. Yeah, yeah. It's one less thing that can break. Yeah. I want a computer to control as little of it as possible. Sure. And that's why I got the manual tit wheel. When I, when I was in L.A. when I was in L.A. L.I.

I ran in a minivan because that's how kind of, that's the kind of cool guy I am in L.A. Yeah, yeah. And it didn't have a shifter. It had a knob that you turned. Yes, yes. I was like, what is, how are you going to go? Yeah. I rented a pickup truck that had that.

Oh, weird. Yeah. Wow, weird. Also, I love driving a pickup truck, it turns out. Yeah. I remember that you used to have one, but I never drove it. No. But I might-s sucks to drive in the city.

It sucks to drive in the city. A couple times I drove that pickup truck. It was a big Silverado pickup. It was a silverado. A couple of times I drove that out to Philly and like fucking parking that thing in the city. Oh no. Yeah, I once had to parallel park the MaxiPads van on South Street. Yeah.

It was on a Saturday night. It was like my proudest parallel parking moment of my entire fucking life. Luckily, Philly firmly believes in rubbing his racing so you can just kind of push the car behind your back a little bit. You can do whatever you want. It's lawless. Anyway, she pulls back the blanket. Yeah. And there's nobody there.

there's just a trap door. There's nobody there. But yet the pitchfork was stuck at too messent attention. It was too messent. Like a throbbing boner. There's a trail of blood going down the trap door. So Snow White's got to go after it. So to which I've written 25 more minutes.

Are you fucking serious? This movie should have been a cool 80. When Jeff gets back to or Seth gets back to the house, I was like, Jesus Christ, there's still 20 minutes of this movie left. It's stupid. They find his little man cave. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you reattached Denise's head.

Boy, am I stupid. I'm the girl who cried stupid. That's the resident stupid on this podcast. I also thought the same thing. I was like, oh, he put it back on. This is very Texas T. It's like a skeleton, a corpse, and Denise at a table. When they see this, they hug about it.

They just hug. They do. They do. And he, the, um... She needs comfort. She needs comfort. I'm going to press those tits into something. Listen, I'm not comfortable unless I'm mashing these against something.

It's what truly comforts me. And the, the, we see the monster at this point. And he's, like, grunting like a toddler doing a big shit. They've gone ostensibly hunting this monster in the catacombs below the house. When they see the monster, they both go, ah! Yeah, you were hunting him. Oh no, that deer I've been looking for her. And then she shoves them both down the stairs, which is very funny.

I kept expecting the twist to be she was actually related to the Garth family and she's in on this. I would have liked that actually. Yeah, I feel like I wrote a lot of twists for this movie. Yeah, because there's a whole like bit where he's like, why are you even pledging a sorority? You don't seem the type. And she's like, oh, it just seemed like the thing to do or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Why didn't they do that? I don't know. That's really good. When we remake Hell Night. Hell Knight. We're going to spell it N-I-T-E so that you know it's a remake. Or K-N-I-T-H-T. I like that.

Silverado. Are you doing it to the tune of Keni-N-Earo? Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts. I only know Simpsons' references from. 35 years ago. No, that's fine. Lucy and I've been watching The Simpsons, and it's been a lot of fun.

I'm sure. But I have to explain so many political references to her. She's like, who's Jimmy Carter? Who's Newt Gingrich? Okay, so they're back in the catacombs. She pushes them both down the stairs, but they push open a door and get outside. I don't know, he's coming up.

This movie will never end. Oh, yeah, one of the trap doors with like the iron loop on it that you can open up and go through. Right, right, right. And while this is happening, Seth finds a bent bar in the fence that he's able to like pull his boobs apart and get right through. Stop. First he has to carjack that guy.

He does carjack that guy. And the guy's like, I'm going to tell the cops. He's like, please, I'm going to the Garth Manor if you could get them. So I'm like, okay, well, the cops are going to show up. Right. They don't. They don't. In the 80s, no one like the cops.

It's not like today. So they are outside, are Jeff and Marty. Yes. And then the next time we see them, they're back in the bedroom? Uh-huh. Why would they go back in the house? I don't know. Why would they not just like camp out by the gate and wait for help that their friend just went to get?

Yeah. Why the fuck would you go? Okay. All right. All right. But that would lend credence to your theory that she was in on it. And also, um, there's a whole other perimeter. You should go around and check for holes in the fence.

Absolutely. This place has been abandoned for nigh on 12 years. Yeah, 12 years doesn't do it for me. I feel like there's a whole other. got to be a shovel somewhere you can dig under that goddamn fence yeah 100% there's also in between the part where the fence has the spikes on top of it there's concrete pillars yeah so you could just climb the fence and then get over the concrete pillar and drop down break your fucking leg on the other side of the fence that's fine you can roll from there yes it's it's very

funny uh he says to her what are we going to do now and she goes i don't know i don't know because she's known nothing and done nothing for this entire fucking film. She should have just been like, I got to be honest with you, Jeff. I assume that's your real name. I have not read the script. I have no idea. I am booger sugared out of my mind right now. I'm super freaky.

I don't know where I am, who you are, why we're doing this. No. I will eventually open a believe Pitbull rescue. So like, come back and check in with me in a few years. Yeah, she runs like a dog rescue now. That's nice. Yeah, it's really cool. She seems to have, like, come around, gotten things to a comfortable place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had a lot of legal troubles around cocaine, huh? I'm sure. Yeah. I mean, notorious. Yeah. There's nobody that's like, you know what? Life was better on cocaine.

Everything went well. When you're on cocaine, it's better. Oh, for sure. For sure. Yeah, when you're on Crystal Method, life is also better. You've reinvented the wagon wheel. Oh, yeah. So then there's this absurdly long fight with Jeff and one of the killers.

Yeah. Where he like loses the shotgun and gets the shotgun and loses the shotgun and gets the shotgun. This is Seth. Yeah. Seth, yes, yes. And he eventually- Why don't they be named Seth and Jeff? That's too close.

Too close. At least they have different color hair. Sure. Once raven-headed, the other is tow-headed. So we get, we get, he eventually shoots the kill. and the killer falls into this like little pond and then sinks into the pond so we think the killer's gotten out of the pond but then seth goes down to investigate and the killer jumps back out of the pond gets shot again gets shot again and this time dies and looks like an homage warwolf and it's

very weird yes and he runs him going jeff marty i killed him i killed him and then he fights the other killer that's the outside of the house we now learn there are two killers they hug about it again sure sure rather than helping him linda blair's like i'm gonna go get the gun which is now lying on the ground. And Jeff's like, no, you'll die. And I was like, yes, please die. And Linda Blair. Let's let Jeff be the final girl.

I have written 11 motherfucking minutes left. So the killer jumps for her. He dives for her feet and misses somehow, despite having successfully murdered everyone else. And of course he's not going to get Linda Blair. And I can't remember if this was in the movie or if I just wrote the note that says more g-g- She says that. She says that. She's like, there must be more g-g's.

It's like, I think you guys just miscounted the corpses. I think the story was wrong. Exactly. It's one of them, dad? I guess. It doesn't matter, really. Not at all. So she's running.

Jeff gets grabbed. Because he's hurt his leg. Yes. So he can't run. From when she shoved him down the stairs. So with your leg, why you're hitting yourself? Linda Blair as bully. As older brother.

And then, so she heads out the window. And then Jeff gets. picked up. He also heads out the window. He's tossed out the window like Georgia from Line of Duty. Oh, yes, he is. Way to tie that back to our Patreon. Free podcast. Nice one made. A Line of Duty rewatch podcast. So she goes up out the window and then she's climbing back down the ladder. She goes to the roof and then climbs back down the ladder. Yeah. And as she's climbing back down the ladder, the killer like jumps out of a window and grabs.

her. Yeah. And she falls to the earth. And then she finds dead Jeff. And she finds dead the other Wolfman Amish guy. And she's in the hedge maze. She sees the keys. She sees the keys.

She gets them from Peter. And like looks at Peter like his corpse is holding on to them against her. Yeah. Like I don't think rigor mortis has set in. Peter let go. She's so mad at him. She unlocks the gate and then just like relaxes for a bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's a car outside. It's the one that has been carjacked. Yes. So she has to hotwire the car by touching some wire inside of the hood. She's a mechanic. She's a mechanic. And I was thinking about this.

And I was like, man, I loved it when I used to be able to open the hood of my car and go, oh, that's what's broken. Just there were only a few things in that. Yeah. I had a 72 Nova. Yeah. It's like four parts to that. Yeah. There's just like, oh, that thing is not working anymore.

There isn't. Yeah. Done and done. So she. she gets the car started and I was like Jesus I hope they didn't really let her drive this coked up. Listen, weed, sure, you shouldn't drive on weed. Booze shouldn't drive on booze.

I've never seen a billboarded so that I shouldn't drive on cocaine. Therefore, I can drive on cocaine. That's interesting. LSD, drive all day long. Never see the billboard about it. Oh my God. I just imagine driving a car on mushrooms and I got so fucking stressed out. Because she would just be like, oh, it's Mario Kart.

Let's go. Rainbow Road, baby! As I drive off the Liberty Bridge. Oh, no. The fucking Cooper's going to... Who's the guy who picks you back up? Lacketoo. Lacketoo.

Yeah, Lacketoo, yeah. Lacketoo, yeah. Lacketoo, yeah. And you're just like, Lackatoo, no. Luckily, you gave me that thing to break my window and cut my seatbelt. Yeah. Always looking at for you.

Thank you. I like that you take my neuroses and make them practical. You know, you're like, look, you don't have. to worry about this anymore because I've given you a thing that will help you. That's what friends are supposed to do for each other. Yeah, that's nice. You learned what makes your friend's brains janky and then you try to help them through it. That's really nice.

Actually, I might cry. Let's move on. So she gets the car turned over, gets in, doesn't put a seatbelt on. And then I was like, never mind. Seatbelt back in those days, they didn't retract. So, like, there was no give when you got it. And it was like, oh, you're just going to break your fucking collarbone. Yeah.

He's on the roof of the car because, of course, he is, and she's covering her eyes because why? He's punching through the windshield, so she just puts her hands over her eyes. No, see me. Like, she's hiding. No, see me. I'm taking a shit, and I don't want you to see me right now, so I'll cover my own eyes. And the car is just going in circles, but it's hard braking when it's going. So, like, she's hard breaking and shifting, but not looking and not touching the steering wheel.

Oh, with her kicky little boots. So she's driven through the fence. She's knocked the gate down. Yes. And so now the gate is at a, it's horizontal rather than vertical. And so she's like, uh-huh, I have an idea. She drives the car into the fallen gate so that he gets impaled. We get a close-up on him.

And it's a pretty fun makeup, actually. Yeah, yeah. It just looks like he looks like he came out of a silent movie. Yeah. I don't mind it. Who falls asleep with a corpse on their roof? Look at the player. Man, when that cocaine gets out of your system, you're just going to snooze right away.

You're going to hit the wall. The sun has come up. Still no cops. She wakes up. Yeah. I assume this is still no cops or titties. No cops, no tities. No justice, no peace.

It's going to be a hard chance to get started. No cops. No tities? No. She climbs out of the cars. No cops, just tits. No cops, just tits. Is that okay?

We'll workshop it. Okay, thank you. Take it down to the A space and see. what they think. Okay. Um, she slowly walks away from the car and I was like, oh, well, another one of these gork dudes is going to come and attack her now. No, just the end credits. She's, it's slowly walking the movie. She walks for a solid minute before the movie ends. That's not how you end a movie. There's also a commercial break in the walk. There's, why is this happening? Katie. What? Give me a fucking, rubber braw-r-dh. This is a

g-oh. Oh, man. We're sorry if that's an offensive term. I, I'm going to look it up because now I'm very afraid. I can't wait to go back there and beep. Every time we said, I'm really anxious. I did too. I looked up. My brother is a. Medical pop culture slang. Historically, a colloquial medical term for an unconscious or severely brain damaged patient

or an acronym standing for God only really knows. Shut up, Google. Isn't that that Beatles song? Oh, it says offensive. Okay. Medical slang offensive, a terminal patient whose brain is nonfunctional and the rest of whose body can be kept functioning only by the sense of use of mechanical devices. It's like a vet.

It's calling someone a vegetable, I think. No, it's okay. Medicine slang offensive. A stuporous or imbecilic patient, a patient who has lost brain function. So you all have made it this far into the podcast and you've heard multiple beeping noises when we've said a word because we just found out it's offensive. So we're not, I am going to go back through and beep every time we said it. I'm so sorry.

Anyway, that was my rating. So fuck it. Our rating is a beep. Yeah. What's yours? Oh man. I'm going to give it disappointed to myself

for being so angry that there weren't boobs in this movie. This is for you, Alan. Katie. Alan. Can I real quick read you a message

that showed up on Discord? I would love that. This is from We do in 612 on our Discord. We do in 612. Lull, I pulled a bad dad move this morning.

Kids are in summer school and after we dropped the youngest off the plan was to find Olivia Rodriguez's new album on YouTube. When that failed, I said, fuck it and put on the Keeper episode because I watched it last night. Took 20 minutes to get him to school or to get to his school. So by the time they started talking about boning during cake time, he was gone. And I was like, I don't know what that means. I don't remember anything that we say.

Wait, what episode? The Keeper. Which one was that? The last episode that we did, the one with Tatiana Maslani. Oh my God, yes. She goes with the wood with the guys. Okay, okay. He was surprised to hear that Alan was in his 50s

said he didn't sound old. You don't. I said it because... Do I sound old? I said it was because he's cool, and he was like, yeah, he is. He's almost 11, and mobs annoyed. I told him about AIDS because he wanted to know how Easy E died. I feel like 11-year-old should know about AIDS.

It's fine. Fine. No, 11 year olds should know about A's. I'm more surprised about an 11 year old knowing about EZE. My response to that was, tell your kid they're all so cool. Tell your kid, they're so cool. Wow. The keeper, huh?

So that is the first of our shoutouts to an 11 year old, Katie. Yeah. We got a package in the mail that I picked up at the post office today. Oh, did you? Yes. What did you get to the post office? This is a box. I see that.

What's in the box? Unfortunately, it's not Goop's Head. This is from Michael. Hi, Michael. Michael sent us a box filled with Japanese treats. Michael, you silly son of a bitch. I love you. Michael starts this off in the proper order.

Katie and Alan. Uncle EMT on Discord. Greetings from Tokyo by way of Illinois. All right. These are mostly vegan. White bag has milk-based candy. there's also one that's obviously not vegan. If you want to shout out my nephew, MCB, he'll be 11 years old.

Happy birthday, MCB. How do we get big with the 11-year-old set? My niece is almost 11. I think she thinks I'm the lamest person on the planet. You're not, though. She actually loves me. It's a Vicki's kid. And she should.

Yeah, do I. He finishes off the note with, show some brain and throw a fried egg on it. Yeah. Five stars. Throw a fried egg on it. I think throwing a fried egg on it is always good advice. What's in that bag?

So these are Hokkaido Soft. This is the milk-based one. Oh. Hey, could you tell that was me screaming? Ooh. I like that the milk-based one is literally just a cow with a full udder. Rich milk flavor. Mm.

Okay. And what you want out of candy. This is a fruits-mixed gummy candy. Ooh, fruits mixed gummy, fruity and soft, grapes, strawberry, and muscat. What's muscat? I think it's a fruit of some sort. I'm going to try it right now, actually. I know you guys love it when we eat.

You know that song Muscat Lovin. And then there's the Chikawa Kobe Fugisuto. Don't throw that one. It's metal. And it looks like it's a little fudgy biscuits. Ooh. And then the final one. Oh, muscat.

Pull up. What is this? this. Muscat. No. I've got some coffee over here if you need to wash the town. Muscat is a great variety.

Okay. Oh sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it. Katie, I'm just going to throw... Is that where Mascato comes from? That's what I was wondering. I'm going to throw this bag to you

and you tell me what's inside this bag. What's in the bag? Here, you try one of these. Are these tramps? No. No. What are they? They're crabs.

They're tiny crabs. Yeah. I don't know about this one. Thank you, Michael. Thank you. This is incredible. I love when people send us foreign snacks. Muskat.

I know, muscat. It hates yell. It's got a real... I understand why Musk is in its name. Yeah. I can't get it off my tongue. Yeah, very musky. Throw me a pink one.

Not the whole bag, just a pink one. I want a pink flavor in my mouth. Fuck. Hear it again. No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no. Thank you so much, Michael.

Michael, you sweet baby angel. I hope you're having a wonderful time in Japan. Alan will be there soon, ish. Not this year. No. Oh, the pink one's nice. Nice. Mm.

Also, they sent this to Alan Bagg with two G's, and I was like, I don't know, is that a thing that I said at some point? Alan Bag. Maybe it's a bad ass. ghoulish Grand Gugu. Nailed it. Goulish guru. Oh, I like it.

Yeah. So if you have something you'd like to send us, you can send it to P.O. Box, 5471, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 15206. And if you want to send Alan Goop's head, he won't be that mad about it. It's like trying to impress Jody Foster by killing the president. Listen, I got to tell you,

if you sent me Goop's head, I would be very angry with you. Yeah, I think we're not going to be too heavy. about that. We're going to get a lot of trouble for that. A lot of trouble. Don't send us Goopshead. Do not do that. Don't.

She's got kids. Yeah, she's just doing her thing. She's just taking advantage of rich white women and I kind of feel like, me. Maybe she's doing the Lord's work. Maybe that's how it goes, you know? So we'll report back to you when we can convince someone to eat a candied crab. I am, you know what? I'm hanging out with Cousin Joe tonight for his birthday.

Oh, shit. I absolutely can get him to eat. one of these. I'll go on and say it. Going on a limb? My favorite pescatarian. Yeah. Your favorite pescatarian? Joe. Maybe the only pescatarian I know. Yeah, he's real loosey-goosey.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he'll definitely eat one of these. I love it. Perfect. Do you know we're going to, well, we should do this again? Let's do it again next week. Yeah. Which should we do? Oh, how about a little movie that you picked based on its Rotten Tomatoes rating? The fact that it was for a while the only movie with a zero percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes rating

on rotten tomatoes. We are going to do the 2026 film Psycho Killer. Keskousay. Written by the guy who wrote seven. Who has Goop's head in a box?

Oh my God. Did we just fucking circle? You didn't have to throw that. You didn't have to throw that. The rage of men. Muscat in my veins. I feel like Linda Blair. We have a milk candy.

So go back for Psycho Killer. It's on the Hulu. Hulu, yeah. Or the Disney. He, I think. Oh, those are individually wrapped two. I'll throw me one of those. Milk candy.

Let's see if it does have the rich flavor of milk. Is that something you won from candy? It's like evaporated milk. Like you'd use to make a pumpkin pie? Yeah. I like it. It does have the rich flavor of milk. It tastes like milk.

It's really weird. Oh, man. I like that. I don't like milk. I like this. There's like someone made a soft butterscotch candy, but forgot to put the butterscotch flavor in it. I liked my first bite.

Second bite. I'm a little lippy on. So come back for a psycho killer. Send us things to eat in the mail. You don't have to. We're so trusting. Why would anyone want to kill us? We're a delight.

Also, like, pretty non-threatening, you know. Sorry about all the beeps you just had to listen to. Why didn't we look that up at the start? The worst part is We suspected it. King Stupid did look it up and still didn't realize that it was offensive. I didn't read further down into the list. That's all right.

The boy who cried stupid. If you want to listen to more of us, you can get us on our Patreon, patreon.com backslash Whirlf Ambulance. We're going to do an action movie over there soon. Also, I just saw The Furious last night. It was so fucking good. So if you have the opportunity to see that movie, go see it. Is it in theaters?

It is. It's only at the waterfront here. Okay. Yeah. Cool. And if you would like to wear some of our swag, you can go to T Public, search with ambulance on there. Yeah. And fucking support each other. Be kind to each other. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Yeah. Be rad and be rad to your friends. Is this episode two hours long? We have to wrap it up.

Oh, it's only an hour in 22 minutes. Oh my God. That's as long as the movie should have been. Thanks for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance. Bye. Bye-bye.