Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 577- Evilspeak (1981)

Episode Date: October 12, 2026

In this week's episode, we are discussing a very serious treatise on the roles of politics, religion, and generalized Authority in our society with the 1981 film "Evilspeak." Just kidding, it's garbage. Special topics for your consideration include: Clint Howard and his teeth, Luca Brasi the pro wrestler, tits and butts, hog rage, and being a pervy baddie bitch. 1981 was a great year for cinema. My favorite episodes that we have recorded for 1981 films are Episode 41- "The Last Shark" and Episode 305 - "My Bloody Valentine." You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. This month it's "Goldfinger." We are also getting into the meat of our second season of "Nice One, Mate!" which is FREE EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A PATRON. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously we have the best EMTs, hands down.

Katie, are you having problems with politicians, the government, your authority figures, religion? Yes, all of the above. Have I got a solution for you? Tell me. Esteban! Esteban! Esteban, could here, here's to service all of your taking care of your bully needs, even if one of them is later to be on That 70 show. Wait, what?

His main bully is one of the dads on that 70 show. Really? Oh, Esteban. Oh, he's a... Oh, he's the, yeah, the guy with the big face. And the hot wife, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, what a shit show. What's a shit show?

This movie. That's a 70 show. This movie. You can't meet this movie because this movie is fucking perfect. 11, go. Okay. Oh, my God. I don't even know.

I don't know how, like I'm trying to yes and and I don't know where to go. I'm sweating. Calling it a movie is strong. Yeah, I don't think it's a film. Are there acts? Series of sentences. We open as all films should. And we are now doing a conquistador rock block.

Conquistador rock block. Because of Hocom having a congeistador in this movie opening with Conquistadones. Conquistadones. Well, it really opens with a good old quote about Satan after like a bunch of warnings on the like content thing where it's like nudity, smoking, partying, having fun. Yeah, rad, rad, being fucking rad. You know what devil's love? What did the devil's love?

The beach. It's their happy place. Did you write down the quote? What do you think? What would you do tomorrow if you allowed me to die today? What vocation would you pursue if my name disappeared? From Satan. Satan quoted this.

But it's a quote from Khalil Gibran. This movie opens with a Khalil Gibran quote. Who is Khalil Gibran? He wrote The Prophet. He's a very famous, like, poet and writer. And, like, it's just, apparently the producer was like, we got to elevate this movie somehow. What if we put a Khalil Gibran quote?

This erudite film. Is this a deeply feminist film? There's no women in it, except the tits. There is a woman who gets, are they the same boobs? No, it's not different boobs? No, definitely different boobs. Okay, okay. Look.

I know. So we open on some conquistadors and some religious fellas walking through the surf. Yeah, they're having a nice day. They're out looking for show. They're rallying around the family, pocketful of shells. Next week's episode also prominently featuring seashells. Wow, we are tying the knots. The Gordigan knot.

Yes. So they're walking out of the beach and they're going to confront Esteban. Esteban. No, if you were casting a man named Esteban, would you immediately go. for a bull Shannon from Nightcourt as Estefan, Richard Mole. The thing about him is that he's slightly handsome except that his eyebrows obscure his entire face. Sure.

Like, there's nothing except brow ridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have written incredible hair, incredible wig. On the lady? I have no idea. Her wig is absolute trash. Wait, what does her wig look like? It's just like, mousy brown.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's who I am speaking of. So Lorenzo Esteban, played by one Richard Moll. Yes. Lorenzo Esteban. Lorenzo Esteban. I love it so much. He's so Hispanic.

He pursues evil. Sure. This is what he does. It's his thing. He's out here trying to conjure Satan into the world. I haven't known since he's being castigated for pursuing evil. I don't understand why. I don't understand why.

Well, this is the church and he's evil, so they have to come and yell at him. I see. Got it. Thank you. And then he's like, I'm going to spit. your face and then I have a flock, a following of like 30 people who are going to watch me behead this boobied lady. Yes, tits and swords and shit. After he makes a pentagram in the sand, like he's just having a nice day at the beach. Yeah, I'm going to start carving pentagrams in the beach

in Delaware. Your home, ancestral homeland. Her eyeball flies off. Her eyeball does fly off. He does some Eucharist blasphemy, like crumbles it up and throws it at her. Yeah, definitely throw the body of Christ in a woman's face. That's a real turn on for me. Her beheading is so good because A, it looks like shit. Oh, yeah. Wonderfully like shit. Yeah.

And there's like four more beheadings in this movie. All of which look like shit. But when her head flies off, quick cut to a ball at a footy match at a military school in present day. Imagine cheerleaders for soccer. Can you imagine who made this movie? Yeah. Oh, man, Clint Howard. Oh, my God.

He's just so wretched. He's just so blurced. You know what I mean? He's awful. He's just awful. By all accounts, a really nice dude who's been through a lot of, like, hardship in his life. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But, like...

Like being called Cooper Dick. Like being called Cooper Dick and, like, being Ron Howard's little brother. Yeah, for sure. So you've got to grow up with like the portrait of Americana as your older brother. Or maybe he's not as old. Maybe he's older than Ron. I can't remember which way he goes. Anyway.

Who fucking cares. He's not good at footy. No, but he is in the starting 11 because everybody gets a turn, which doesn't even exist on my kids under 10 travel team. Like they do not get equal playing time. This movie got in early on bitching about participation trophies. Yes. But they also say that everybody has to play two of four quarters, and I thought there are no quarters in soccer.

That is literally never in any league a thing. What if I didn't do a modicum of research? What if I had cheerleaders and four quarters? Did I think it was football? American football. Well, Lorenzo Estabod was talking about the sport of footy. He was. He said football.

No, everyone got confused. Yeah, everyone got confused. They call him Cooper Dick, the aforementioned Cooper Dick. So in my notes, he's only Cooper Dick. Super dick. He fucks up. The other team wins. His team is like,

we're gonna get you. We're gonna get you. Yeah. They're adults. They're fucking full blown. Full grown men. I had so many flashbacks to being in high school and like being disinterested in sports and like people being like, why aren't you being more serious about?

I remember a guy tried to fight me over, uh, frisbee, like, disc football or whatever. Ultimate Frisbee? Yeah, where you're like, throwing the frisbee like it's a football yeah and i was like i just throw it i didn't even aim it in anybody because i'm like this is dumb it is a very dumb sport sorry frisbee heads all there ultimate babies ultimate i forgot the people just call it ultimate ultimate ultimate what ultimate spaghetti listen i'm a fucking nerd but you guys are fucking nerds you know what's the nerdiest thing i've ever seen so i am a sports person as you know yeah in both terms of playing and watching but i

used to play pickup soccer at our local university, Carnegie Mellon University, and there were kids there playing quidditch. They can't fly, bitch. They're running around with brooms between their legs. It's bananas. That ball doesn't fly either, my dudes. That what? The ball, the ball.

It's not called a ball. You're talking about the golden snitch. You're trying to get that snitch. Trying to get that snitch. The golden snitch. The golden snitch. Wack a dude. Oh, man.

So, yeah, so Cooper Nix being yelled at by everybody. They go take a shower. Clint Howard's got cheeks. Yeah, he got cheeks. He's got bum. Yeah, a little bit of bum. Not a thing I expected. No.

We see a naked Clint Howard and I'm like, damn, Clint Howard. You got a good booty. Get a little caked up Howard. Yeah. Caked up. Jesus, I hate that. I've eaten plenty of cake and I'm not caked up.

What's going on here? And the coach is like, look, everybody gets to play two of the four quarters of the footy, as we know. Every game has two to four quarters. Unless something doesn't happen to him. And the student who is the same age as the coach

was like, oh, all right, I got it. I understand you. They're making fun of him because his parents are dead. Listen, have her of dead moms here. Dead mom's cool. Anyone ever made fun of you for it? No.

Other than me. No, and me. And you and me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine that being the thing that you're going to pick on this fucking doofus of some else. Pretty low. I mean, he's got so many things.

He's just bad at. He is bad. Fill in the plane. He's wretched. They're probably just jealous of them cheeks. They're probably jealous of them cheeks. Oh my God. Kowalski also great ass, which is weird because he's like 14. Are you talking about Dwayne from what's happening? I am talking about Dwayne from what's happening.

I was like, where do I go? Holy shit. There you have it. I looked it up. All right. So they also talk about Esteban living in the basement. Yeah, why? Why does he live in the basement of the school in California? Why is the church consecrated in the name of a Satanist? Why is the school's crest a bear? Well, California. They love a bear.

Okay. Yeah. A cross and a torch, I think, or a sword or something? Yeah. For the bedding of the patididate. Like, there's the, we meet the guy who looks like a Bunko Michael Corleone, who is wearing a priest collar and a military jacket, which could not feel more fascist, you know. It's California. What is happening here? They also keep looking for reverence.

I'm pretty sure this church is Catholic. There are no reverence in Catholic churches. You want to start doing research on this now? Okay. You're right. You're right. It just feels like this was written by like a person who has never read a book in their life. Human as a second language. Human as a second language. That's it. That's it right there. Eric Weston. He doesn't even have a Wikipedia. No. No. Uh, see the namesake for the band, Weston? Why are you asking me these questions? I don't know. Why? Why? Why? I didn't know if Weston was on your radar or not. It feels like a pop pong fan you might have liked. Oh, no.

Yeah. They got a song about getting a new shirt. I got a new shirt. Did you like for the marching band? It was a werewolf ambulance themed marching band? And why were they a whirlfamble? Because it said W.A. Yeah. They are at West Andover Academy. And the drum major is 46 years old if he's a day. Oh my God. This movie also keeps jumping from, like, decent quality to absolutely shit quality.

Yeah. So, like, this movie, like, obviously got butchered with, like, the video nasty stuff. And, like, to get into different. Because it was back of the day when, like, if it went to, like, Tennessee, Tennessee would be like, I got to cut that. Yeah. So, like, stuff would get cut all over the place. But, yeah, like, the stuff that's, like, obviously wasn't cut looks really good.

Yeah. And then the stuff that they've put back in looks like absolute shit. Hard shit. It's just like, okay, this is all right, all right. Okay, movie. Yeah. I love that this movie was a video nasty. Like, there's nothing to, it's a nothing movie. There's nothing here.

There's nothing here. Except for the fact that it's like, uh, the church, the military, all authority are going to let you down turn to Satan. Turn to Satan. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm 100% on board with.

I'm just not a joiner. I'm just not a big joiner. I don't want to join Satan either, you know? I'm sure some of his ideas are stupid too. Oh, for sure. Yeah. For sure. Plus, he can just put a little salt on his tail and he's like, guys.

Oh, come on. I'm just out here trying to live my best life. Yeah. Look, I kicked up Clint Howard. He is being punished for something, I guess, by having to work in the basement. I don't know what's happening here. Yeah, he's got to clean up the basement with a nightmarish alcoholic in the basement with him. In a boiler with the, like, door open so the flame is just flaming?

That's not how that works. Yeah, the Freddie boiler. That's not how that works. Sarge is down there in the basement with him. Sarge kind of rules, actually. I feel like they like fired Sarge. He's like, all right, but I'm not leaving. Yeah, I'm going to stay.

Because he doesn't do anything. No. No. Look for his crowbar. Does he ever find it? He does. He does. That's why he threatens to kill the dog later on.

I got drunker and drunker and drunker as his movie went on. Oh, okay. Okay. Just, I had to. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's Eric Weston's fault. So,

yeah, so he goes down and there's like all these masks in the basement, like wolf mask and boar masks. Why, though? For church. Okay. This comes up in next week's episode, too. It does. Weird.

Why would you do that? Why would you do that? I did not. Oh, yeah, I did. But I hadn't seen this movie. at the time. So, yeah, Sarge is down in the basement drinking with a guy who never comes back up. Yeah, who's that guy?

Who knows? He just works there? Mm-hmm. Okay. Reverend comes down to yell at Cooper Smith for something, talks about shadows with no owner in the basement. Yeah, that's pretty good, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I like that.

Cooper Dick is moving stuff around. He finds a hole in the wall and he makes it bigger. He pulls out a brick in the wall and it makes like a loony tune, Sam. It's so fucking stupid. Incredible. Then he learns about monks who fled the Inquisition. Is this from the book that he reads? I think so, yeah.

He finds a book with a pentagram on it. And of course he's going to read it. And while he's doing that, the Reverend is giving a tour to the mother of his main bully. Right. Who wants to fuck the Reverend. Yes. I mean, he's a Bungo Michael Corleo. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not a Bunko Al Pacino, but a Bunko, Michael Corleino. Al Pacino means a lot of things. You know, that man is not Michael Corleone anymore. We also see, like, an alien fetus in a jar. Like, it's a fucking early season episode of the X-Files. Is it a frog? Is it a fetus?

Oh, it's a fetus. Oh, it's a fetus. Oh, it's a fetus. It's a wiggling and jiggling. Oh, my God. Where are you going to little fetus? Wiggle it. Just a little bit.

Fetus. Oh, I love that. I'm not that. Wow, what a score. He says when he finds an old book. My notes are incomprehensible to what's happening. Rats exclamation point as a note. I have a look at these well-fed pet rats because they looked so clean and happy.

And I thought, oh, sweet babies. Oh, my God. How interesting and strange Esteban is a word that I have written. What does that mean? He gets trapped at the basement until he isn't. Right. These candles, who lit them? Oh, my God.

That brazier, who lit it? He looks like he's walking around the set for the every breath you take me. Oh, where is sting when you need him? He's fucking. He's somewhere fucking. He's staring and fucking. Listen, I have to say, we got a, I saw we had got an Apple podcast review recently that was like, I love this show. There's, there are no.

Spoilers because I listen to them talk and I have no idea what the movie's about. And I feel like we are absolutely proving that correct right now. What? Arm through the wall. Whose arm was it? An extremely Italian zombie? I don't know. Like, this felt very fulci to me.

Oh, man. So now the, yeah, we see the dancing fetus. It rises out of the jar. is it Esteban? Who is it? Why would Esteban be a fetus? Yep. Um, but the arm, oh, the arm through the wall was a dream that he was having. Oh, okay. Good to know. So he's been sabotaged by people tying his clothes and knots so that he's leaking. Do you only have one set of clothes? No, put on the other ones. Oh, he's got his satanic book with him, uh, which is like this bejeweled book of suit. It is bedazzled. It is bedazzled for sure. So I think that this movie was an early warning about using AI. Tell me more. Because he's just asking this computer questions and it has answers.

Oh, it's true. And it's not hooked up to the internet because this is 1981. This Apple 2 that he's got set up. I watched this movie with an IT professional. Ooh, an Apple 2. I saw somewhere, maybe it was on IMDB and like their trivians. Like the computer he uses was very popular at the time. It's like, suck my ass.

Rad. The shoes he were wearing were shoes. He's got to get to Latin class and here in Catholic military school. Sure, with the Reverend. Where he gets darts thrown at him. Like lawn darts, kind of. Jarts? Jarts.

They're talking about Caesar's military strategy, which I have written it was to be hot and ready. Fuck me. Fast. Fuck me and fast. He learns, he asked the computer about Estevan's journey to evil. Yes. Satan has given me the keys to his magic kingdom. Like Disney World.

Yeah. It also says Satan must be God. What? Sir, what? Must be. Impressive translation of this Latin, I guess. Oh, my Christ. He also says.

thing about Morbius, and I don't know what that is outside of that Jared Leto film that everyone hated. Does that mean something to you? Outside of the comic book that that's based on, no. Okay, great. I don't know. Morbius. I didn't even clock that. I wondered if it was meant to be Mobius, like a Mobius strip that's a confusing infinity, which would make more sense for Satan, right? Sure. But it definitely says Morbius. I'm going to type in Morbius and Satan to see. what I can Oh, great.

No, it's just all the comic book. All right, I don't know. Maybe they're just talking about the comic book. Fuck it. Oh, I predict that Jared Leto will be in a lambasted film in 30, 40 years.

Stop casting that man. Nobody wants to look at him. He ruined it. He's a piece of shit. Yes. He's a coal leader. Yes. And he's in a bad band.

Yes. Yeah. And he's a bad dude. Yeah. And he's a bad actor. Yeah, everything about him. Yeah. He peaked at Jordan Catalano.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rip to the Catalano. Ripped to Catalano. So, the bullies bully him. Kowalski tries to help him, but they push Kowalski out a window.

Because he's 14 and the rest of them are 86. Like, what is happening here? Sorry, go ahead. They throw his hat outside, hat lands on a sprinkler. Reverend sends him to the colonel's office where his satanic book falls in the trash into the hands of Mrs. Whatever. Miss Frieden Meierstein. She is wearing a blouse with like lip prints on it that fucking rules.

If anyone can find that for me, I will purchase it. She's also mad hot. She's mad hot. Yeah. And then he's getting like weipped is Clint Howard. Sure. Little corporal punishment. And they cut to this like purvey baddy bitch who's love.

loving it. Like, they didn't need to cut to her, but they did. She could hear them cheeks getting slapped. She's like, oh, he's caked up. He's caked up and his teeth don't fit in his head. I am into it. I wonder of mine would. What if she wanted to fuck Clint Howard? I don't think so. Can I ask you a really important question?

Why do they have pigs at a military academy? What? What? Every military academy got pigs. Do you think... They're called military police. Do you think that someone just had like a cousin who owned pigs and they're like, we can get the pigs? Yeah.

I mean, is there like a 4-H program at the military academy? Maybe there is here in California, a known 4-H territory. Yeah, and also pigs don't eat you. They're not going to eat you while you're alive. Oh, hogs? Hell yeah, they will. No, they're not. People used to hide bodies in horses.

Right. Bodies. They're not going to, these are like domesticated farm animals living at a school. They're not just going to eat people. You know, we're all just pre-deceased, right? I know we are. I just think they know the difference. I mean, they're being fed food, is what I'm saying. We see that beefcake in the stables feeding them. Nah, these pigs are crazy. Okay, fine. That's a better explanation. Maybe it was a commentary on the Los Angeles Police Department. Oh, okay, sure. Um, the bullies ruined this catapult that he's been working on. It looks like shit anyway. It does look like shit. It looks like he's made out of popsicle sticks, you prick.

But the bullies are going on a little R&R. They're going into town to go roller skating. I love roller skating. Do you? I just went to a child's birthday party that was a roller skating birthday party and they rented out the whole rink. Did you strap some skates on? I strapped some skates on.

It took me like five minutes to get back. into it. And then I was like, hell yeah, this is fun. You going backwards and stuff? I think I could have, but I didn't want to show off the, I don't want to show up the other parents. And then I also fell really, really hard and everybody laughed at me and it was fun. You know, no, but you know what sucks? What? Falling over the age of 25. Oh, yeah. I had a massive bruise on my tailbone. Oh, the tailbone's the worst. Yeah, well, that's what you catch yourself with. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I've written, oh, hell yeah, roller skating.

That's my new thing. When I was in high school, we used to go to the roller skating rink. Oh, totally. I never roller skated. You just play arcade games, though. She went there and ate pizza and played arcade games. Oh, yeah. Tried to mac it to the honeies.

The honeies who were out there just trying to get their skate on. Yeah, exactly. What about the couples skate? You weren't trying to get out there for the couple skating? No, no. I don't need to go out there skating to a probably journey. Yeah. I'm trying to think of what other couple skid rose.

I will remember you. Oh, fuck. Well. Forever yours. Faithfully. Say what you will about Steve Perry. The man could sing his ass off. Oh, yeah.

Who's saying a bad thing about Steve Perry? Who's like, fuck that journey lead front man. Nobody. Nobody says that. Nobody says that, Alan. Oh, fuck. I wish you were doing this on roller skates. Oh, me too.

So, Cooper Smith discovers that his catapult is broken and his book is missing. So he immediately assumes the bullies have done both. Sure. Not realizing that Mrs. Feathersham has his book. Right, because he left it on her desk. Right. And we see her trying to pry the pentagram off of it. I don't know what her motivations are.

Listen, she's a fourth level thief. She's got to get all the gems off of everything she encountered. Absolutely. Don't let her sneak up behind you because she gets double damage. But you have the dual wielding and backstaff? Yeah, come on. So. Fucking dorks.

He goes to the skating rink. They're like, we didn't take your fucking dumb book, you dumb piece of dumb shit. Yeah, we can't read. And this is a rare instance where people watching this movie are like, I might be on team bully. This guy sucks.

I mean, I have never been a bully, but I could see bullying Cooper Dick. Sure. Or, yeah, until the bullies go too far. What, breaking his catapult? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's, I mean, come on. That's not just, that's beyond bullying. So he goes to the secretary and he's like, hey, I had a book in here the other day. You didn't have him to take that book. And she's like, no, you dump piece of fuck shit. Fuck you. And also get beaten again, baby. You need to get spanked again.

It's the only way I can nut. It's the only way I can nut. That's what women say, nut. Yeah. The bubble is up. I'm sorry. It's the only way I can lady nut. As if that were a real thing.

Sarge accuses him of taking his crowbar. And we also see Sarge cleaning a hammer by spitting on it. And I was like, is this a euphemism? I don't know. Also, his pupils are massive. Yeah, he's high as shit. He's high as a kite. He's high as a kite.

The computer can't help him with the satanic queries and then he turns the computer off and it turns itself back on. Right. We see the old guy pissing in a fire. This movie is just like, it's like a tone poem. It's just nonsense. When you're saying this, I don't remember it. Where are we in the movie?

Have we met Luca Bratzi yet? No, because I don't have a note freaking out about that yet. Luca Bratzi looking like a pro wrestler. So Cooper Dick steals the computer, takes it. into his basement lair. Right. His man cave. Right.

He's stealing juice from the serge in the most obvious way anyone has ever stole electricity before. It's like an outlet that's at six foot. Uh-huh. And he's just like... Just plugging right in. Yeah. He reaches out to Satan for answers.

He's like questioning Satan to me and like, hey, Satan, can you give me a hand with this? I'm having some problem with some boys. Is this where he gets a recipe for... Yes. It calls for unholy water, which I would assume is just tap water. Or that aforementioned fire piss. Fire piss.

Gotcha. He just guy kind of calls up Satan. He's like, hey, bud. Pst. He's like, yeah, hitting him up on ICQ. What do you think Satan's aim name was? Oh, Lord of Darkness, 69, 420. Too many characters.

Me, 666. Perfect. Jesus, I guess. Jesus, lull. God liked me first. God's number one, baby. Wow. We have a real skill for marketing and branding.

Do you need an aim name? Get in touch. So he's missing blood and a consecrated host. Right. I'm like, when you're at a Catholic University. And you're full of blood. You know, Catholic military school. Sure.

You probably have to go to Mass every Sunday. Yeah, if not every day. Just pretend to put it in your mouth. Yeah, your motherfucking mouth. Mother fucking mouth. Put it in your mouth. Yeah, we're really hitting the hits today. It's because it's an early morning record.

Yeah, we get so goofy. Yes. So Cooper Smith heads to supper, but he's late because the Reverend's like, dude, go eat. Stop fucking around in the basement. What are you doing down here? No wonder no one likes. you. Who is the chef

at the university? He's Luca Bratsey. Have you ever seen him in anything else besides the godfather? No, it was shocking. It was shocking. I was looking at him for a while. I was like, I know I'm what do I know I'm from? Oh my God!

I had to like go back in my notes and be like, this is Luca Pratsy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Luca Bratze makes him mistake. He looks like a pro wrestler. I honestly thought he was a pro wrestler. He's huge, right? Yes, I was like trying to figure out. if I remembered him from like 80s wrestling or something? No. Were you the mauler or the prowler?

Exactly. No. I know I'm from being Luca fucking Brotsie. So Luca Brotsey. I'm so interested in his character, by the way. He's the first interesting character we've met. He seems like a good guy. Letting Nature take its course, never wearing a shirt, letting Nature take its course. Why do I have that written? Why did I write that down? Well, letting Nature take his shorts, it's course. It's shorts. It's shorts. It's because Luke Cabrotsie, as you do when you're working in a kitchen, you keep a dog and a bunch of puppies in there. Of course. It's cleaner than a dog in a bunch of puppies.

There's a runt in the litter that's being not getting to the proverbial teeth. But not, yes, not being cared for you. And so it's going to die. And that's why he says let nature take its course. Like, because Clint Howard has decided Kubernick that he's going to give this dog a miserable death rather than the death amongst its family. I mean, in his defense, he was trying. He was trying to give the dog a better life.

By putting it behind a piece of plywood in the danger basement. Exactly. And not taking it out for walkies and not bringing it food. He can't be seen with the dog. He can't be seen with it. It's a bad plan. You're a bad man. Yeah.

His pupils are tiny, by the way. Not like his teeth. Oh, those are pretty, they don't fit. They're not in his head. I love the idea of her being like, when my teeth fit? What is that you mean? Should we swap teeth? So he takes the dog.

As I say, he takes a dog to his satanic hobble. And he puts the pupper in a safe place, a little piece of wood holding it in place. As if dogs can't jump. Puppies, puppies can't leap. So he goes to steal some consecrated host. Yes. The body of Christ. And scares himself.

staring at a buff dude nailed to some wood. Yeah. And then he goes down and commands Satan to do a thing for him. Doing a little ritual, yeah. And I'm always like, can you just demand Satan does things? Because people do it all the time. It's true. I don't know.

I feel like I wouldn't try to push him around. Yeah. I feel like you want to work collaboratively with Satan. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. Not called a dark lord for nothing. No, he's not, you're doing your bidding.

You're doing his bidding. Exactly. Yeah, that's confusing. So, yeah, he's like, hey, Satan, could you take care of some stuff for me? I've got some business that I need help with. And here's some noises. What is it? Outside of his door, there's something going on.

What could it be? It's people in those animal masks. If I'm going to be a follower of Satan, I'm going to be pissed if I have to be the donkey. Oh, really? Yeah. I love a donkey, but it's just not satanic enough. They're adorable. Yeah, but they're all over the Bible.

Yeah, but they're so cute. They're not evil. Look at their dumb faces and their pretty eyes. Didn't somebody use the jawbone of a donkey to, like, defeat an army or something? Anyway. Brough. Things I don't remember from hanging out with Christians in high school. I have no memory of that one.

So he gets attacked by the people in the animal masks. He passes out. And he assumes that his conjuring worked, that those were demons come to demon touch him. Right. Right. And the bullies are like, ew, he passed out. Ew, you gross. What a nerd.

Yeah. So now Satan is working on low rent computer graphics. Yeah. I mean, okay, yes. I'm just wondering if you could run up this band logo for me. I'm like, real into Satanism and the band's called Esteban. Yes. Should we start a band called Esteban?

A satanic band called Estabon. Esteban? Esteban? Hello, we are. Esteban. Esteban. See, that's why you're the lead. That's why you're the front man.

Leatherbon. It's very silly. Like, just to see, this like flipping pentagram that just stops flipping in the word estabon comes up. Why, though? Why? Because Esteban. Because Esteban. No, you're right.

Because Estabon is the dude. He's the dude. he's the guy. He's the man who can make a fetus wriggle and jiggle. Riggle jiggle and pop out of a paper covered jar. What is happening? How has that fetus been down there? Oh, whose fetus is it? Estabon. I don't think that's true, Alan. Do you think anyone is still listening to this episode where we don't have any idea? It's so good. So a fight breaks out here.

Okay. Where Sarge pulls out a bottle of liquor mid-fight, right? Sure. Sure. That should do. He says something about turning this little boy into a little girl. And then the pentagram goes all Atari. Yeah. And then he can see his own butthole. He can see his own butthole.

Yeah, because he turns his head all over. Oh, yeah. Because he threatens to break the dog's neck. Yeah. By he's going to twist the dog's neck. Yeah. And instead Satan turns his head around. Yeah. And then I wrote,

to which I've written, Esteban. Because he has found the crowbar, so he's pissed that the kid lied to him about Stelia's crowbar. Okay. I guess he needed to spit on his crowbar at some point. The plot of this movie absolutely escapes me.

I have notes about things that are happening. I don't know what any of them mean, Alan, and I'm getting really stressed. I just found my notes about the fight that says Sarge stops and refueles with boobs. Yeah, yeah, mid-fight. You got to admire that. He's like Papa eating his spinach.

Yes. Esteban. Oh my God. So he goes further into the basement than he's been before and he finds some bones down there. Okay. Some bones and more cave and a big old cross. What is written on the cross? Oh.

Esteban. Esteban, yes. It's also, he's buried, it's a cross-shaped vessel that he's buried in and also etched. When he sees the cross cut to. a pig going, Esteban? Estabat? Why is the,

what is the involvement of these pigs? Estabat. Why do they care? Okay. Cut to the Miss Heavy Artillery Pageant, which I decided is my new Riot Girl band name.

Hi, we're Miss Heavy Artillery. One, two, three, four. Miss Heavy Artillery feels like it should just be a wet t-shirt contest. Absolutely. Because she got cannons, baby. Oh my God. I don't understand. And while we're at the Miss Heavy Artillery Competition, don't worry.

It's a bunch of old men going, ha, ha, ha, ha, to young ladies. Yeah, they tell us that they're like 16 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And like, yeah, yeah, it feels very, very gross. Then, like, when the girls are hanging out with these dudes, I was like, wait, is this high school? Uh-huh. Oh.

Military Academy. I assumed it was college at least Because they looked so old No they're all young young men Oh gotcha I mean from what I was reading Clint Howard had to pay for his own To pay for this movie

Since he had already been going bald Really? Wow And while we're at Miss Heavy Artillery We're also getting cuts of Miss Friedemeyer taking A shower or a bath When she's got the satanic tome at home Yes and she has a

pig statue, which like moves around, or maybe it's a piggy bank, but it like moves around on the table during this. Oh, yeah. And I'm trying to figure, again, I'm trying to figure out the pig connection. Maybe the lack of research department for this, there's a department dedicated to not researching things. That's us, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Was like, I'm pretty sure Satan's associated with an animal. Is it, is it? Is it? Donkeys? No, it's pigs. Pigs. So she's taking a shower.

She's got a cool place. She's got a cool place. She gets real naked on the movie. Why is she trying so hard to pry the pentagram off? Man, them jewel's got to be worth something. You think that's all it is? I think that's all it is. Really?

She's not an agent of evil or good. No, she's just, they don't pay her very well as an administrative assistant. Who comes in and kills her when she's in the shower? Who comes in and kills her when she's in the shower? Bunch of fucking pigs. A bunch of pigs that they could not in any way, shape, or for them facilitate these pigs looking like they were interested in killing this woman. No, that's what I'm saying.

They wouldn't have. They just want to be your friend while you're alive. Pretty sure. Pretty sure. And after she's killed, naked and bloody left in the tub. Yep. What happens to the book? The book just disappears.

It just disappears. Where does it go? Do we never see it again, do we? Esteban. Esteban. And her hot dogs are on the outside. They are. The pigs, the pigs in there.

They didn't want to eat the hot dogs. They just wanted to open her up. They were like, look, that's cannibals. is for us to eat the hot dogs. So we're at the Miss Heavy Artillery Pagent. Kowalski is like a teenage boy

just staring at tits and Clint Howard's like, I just fucking fought the devil. Or whatever. But he also goes up to the woman who did not win Miss Heavy Artillery and he's like, I just want you to know that I thought you should have won.

And she's like, oh, maybe. Yeah, what? The one who wins doesn't even a crown. She gets a mink coat and a cadet hat that's been like sort of bedazzled along with the pentagram. Yeah, whatever woman wants. A mink coat. A mink coat. That's why I said why did she look like kid rock. She does look like kid rock. Fuck. I have written here, can you explain this to me? Ladies smoking and moaning. Ladies are cool. Yes. Okay, great. Thank you.

All those things are accurate. Yes. I think they're outside just, they're behind the bleachers smoking. Yeah. And then the bully show up. When he goes to talk to her and the woman's like, maybe. Yeah. And then I haven't noticed this is this bonfire where they're burning the bass player of Led Zeppelin and effigy?

John Paul Jones, yes. An effigy of John Paul Jones. And I don't know why because he's a pretty sick bass player. I'm glad you also. there. I'm assuming there's some historical figure who has the same name. I don't know. Is he a Pope?

Pope Chumple Jones. The second. Everyone thought the second was his last name of Jones. He was the second after the Led Zeppelin guy. This one woman is dressed like an American gladiator, but without a bra on. Yeah, who needs a bra on in 1981? Fuck. Not me. They're going to no gravity back then.

No. So the bullies and the military artillery, Miss, Miss Artillery, Miss Heavy Artillery Winners are going to go make out, I guess. The thing about dry humping is. What does she, oh, she says, what's with the dry hump routine? Yeah. What's with the dry hump routine? I'm like, ma'am, you've met high school boys before.

I'm kind of dry hump you. Yeah. Well, J.D. Vance a couch. We don't give a shit. No fucks to give. She also says, let's talk more beer. Same girl. So they find Cooper Smith's little Heidi hole, his satanic hovel. Yes. And I think at this point we've seen the empty fetus jar and I just keep being like, but where is the fetus? And what does it have to do with anything? Estabon. I don't think so.

All right. Oh, I forgot that the dad for the 70s show, his character name is Bubba. Bubba. Never trust a Bubba. He's the least Bubba-looking human beings ever existed. Including Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher Bubba Chandler. Never trust him. No.

Nah. Not trustworthy. Sometimes he's no control. He's no cutch. No. Also not a pitcher. I was going to say, I have no idea of what position that man. You're doing great.

You're doing really good. Great. Great. Aw. Diamond smile. Yeah. So Kelly finds the dog. Kelly is one of the Miss Heavy Artillery Ladies.

If you say so. She finds the dog and she's like, oh, cute dog. And Bubba decides that he has to do to kill the dog for some reason. I don't understand why he feels so strongly that he would need to murder a puppy. Yeah. He's been a bully, but his bullying behavior is just making fun of this kid's name, dead parents, and breaking a science project. It's a big jump to murder. A Puppie.

Yeah. Yeah. And then his friends are all chanting to murder the puppy. Like they are inhabited by the spirit of Esteban, Esteban's fetus, and or Satan. See, I thought Esteban was like, hold up, leave that baby doggy alone. No. Wait, Esteban murdered the... I think so.

I think Esteban was getting in on it. I mean, Estabon will hack off a lady's head on the beach. Like, you're just trying to have a nice day on the beach. And she's like, I'll get my wabs out. And he's like, man, when I'm going to have to knock her head. off. I guess you're right. Don't you say wabs. Just don't do it. Don't say webs.

Anyway, it's a lot of blood for a puppy. It is a lot of blood for a puppy, but it's not the blood that the computer needs. No. How do we know? Because the computer says human blood. It's been flashing. It needs blood and consecrated host. And then above blood, human comes And I'm like, computer, you could have been more specific. Seriously. Oh, the dog's name is Freddy, by the way. Poor Freddy. He was really cute.

So they put Freddy back in his hole now that he's dead. Yeah. Okay. My notes from here are, I can't. You're going to have to walk me through the end of this movie. Take my hand. Take my hand and guide me as Jesus would guide the blind. Estabon would guide a fetus. Yes. So he finds his dead dog, the dog that he wasn't taking good care of anyway.

He takes it down. He still don't want it to be butchered. No, no, no, 100%. He takes it to Esteban's tomb. The letters on Esteban tomb, light on fire. Yeah. And the book is now returned. Here the book returns.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kowalski is looking for Cooper Smith. Okay. I even notice this says Jake hasn't seen him. I have no idea who Jake is. The German guy finds Cooper Smith covered in blood in the chapel. Who the fuck is the German guy now?

I think, is that the, um, the, like, military guy with the really big nose? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, like, classic nerd who's like, his name's like Hopenhauer or something. Kincaid, I think. Close enough. So he finds Cooper Smith He goes Now my note

My nose are also very confusing No I need you He goes to the Heidi hole After he finds a blood-covered Cooper Smith Who? Kincaid?

The German guy Okay Is he German? Yeah, he has like a German accent Cooper Smith Stakes him to the ceiling Yeah, onto the chandelier. So now the computer gets the blood that he needs.

Okay, he is possessed by Esteban now? Yes, because Cooper Dick now drinks the German guy's blood. Yeah. And the computer says, data complete. Okay, okay, yes. Data complete. That's not even a phrase you one would use. Esteban graves, his grave shatters.

It breaks open. Yep, yep, yep. Estabon is now inside Cooper Dick. We see like photo and pose. to Esteban's face on Cooper Nick's head. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. The bullies and the football coach are in the chapel. Christ is on the cross. That's where he is. To me, the chair. Sorry, maybe think of that dumb live lyric. To Christ, the cross. To me, the chair.

I don't think I ever knew what he was. be saying. Not a big live head? You know, no. Pennsylvania zone. Pennsylvania zone. Go back to one of the early episodes and hear my story about being in a Sabaro and overhearing gross things from the guys from live.

Oh yeah. Go back and listen to all 570-some episodes until you find it. Sabarro. A freestanding Sabarrow, too. That's not in a mall. No, that can't possibly be. They are only in malls and rest stops. No, it's like when you see a freestanding Panda Express,

you're just like, how did you get out? How did you get out? It's like an Amish on Robschbringer. Christ statue is now coming to life. Yeah. Why? Because Satan has risen as Esteban. But Satan is God.

So is Esteban Jesus's father? And would that make him Jesus? Jesus. Is Jesus the first? fetus. They do sound similar. So, one of the nails from Christ on the cross

shoots out of his wrist. He's also covered in like silica gel. I don't know why. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's standard issue for Christ. Oh, gotcha. He loves silica. Yeah, it like comes out of his hand and it turns and it takes out

Bunko Michael Corleone. It's so dumb. I love it so much. Now Clint Howard is a pig man. What? Clint Howard for the rest of the movie flies or hovers above the ground with a sword. Making the face of Angela at the end of sleepaway camp. No peen reveal.

No peen, just face. I'm talking face. He's floating with a sword. He's flying through the air. He splits the colonel's head. See, that's Kincaid. I don't know who the German guy is. The pigs are storming the aisle. They're attacking.

I don't know what this says, Pigs eat fat bully, which I feel like should be a song title for something. Yeah, my riot girl band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pigs are fat bully. Miss heavy artillery.

We get more decapitations. Coach's belly carling around. We get another decapitation. I have written here. Clint Howard comes in on a treadmill and cuts that head off. The pigs are killing people in a, confessional The guy who died earlier and saw his own

Bothole Temple of Dooms this shit. Oh, you mean Sarge stands up and chokes Bubba and then pulls his heart out. Yeah, he does. He sure does. The cross falls in the chapel. Yeah.

The end. I don't know. What is your last note? The end. My last note, and I don't know what this refers to, says, I can read and then in all caps faster than this. Oh, because there's text

at the end of the movie. About what? Who knows? No one can be bothered to care at that point. Oh, no. This is a really bad movie. It has no redemption for this one.

Ratings face. Negative 666. I have rated. You? It's a 7. It is not, Alan. It's a 7-7 for Jesus. He's coming down off the cross.

Lucky Sevens, baby. It's cherry machine. I love that I have many issues of a magazine called Evil Speak named after this movie. It is truly, like, it's the problem is that it's not even good, bad. It's not even schlock. It's not even fun. It's just awful. It's just awful.

Normally I would yes and. Uh-huh, but you don't have to. But I really like the stupid movie. It's so stupid. It's so dumb. I'm so glad that we've shared this experience of watching this movie. Yeah, I'm pleased. Later on, you're going to be like, what was that movie with that fetus and Esteban?

It feels like it does. Yeah, all right, whatever. I'm not getting back into it. I was going to say something to tie it to other movies. I don't want to. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. It just in the 80s, late 70s and 80s, they were churning out. so many fucking horror movies.

They're just like, I guess it's a script, right? There's like pages. They just got words on those pages. Some words. Yeah. Ugh. Can I take you to a little place I'll like to call?

Mailbag. You sure can. Hello, Katie. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Why am I laughing so hard at that?

Guys are never going to believe this. That was Katie. Don't break the illusion. But there's more than one of us in this room, because really I don't exist. The confirmation email I got for joining your Patreon had some questions and I've got answers. For the shout-out, I love you to use Ta-Ru. Ta-Ru. Hello, Ta-Ru.

For the other listeners, I send greetings from Finland. Oh, hello, Finland. I bet it's better there than it is here. That's so far from Pittsburgh. So far from Pittsburgh. Finland, I love your heavy metal. I love your Northern Lights Sure

I would love to see them Yeah Yeah Really want to go there sometime Go there One of my favorite stories from Finland Is I had friends that were on tour In a straight edge band

And they're at a bar And a friend ordered an orange juice Why are they at a bar for a straight edge band Because they were playing at the bar I see I see And a guy like rolls up to the guy Who just ordered orange juice And he went

Screwdriver And he goes, no, just orange juice. Why? That's the most finish shit I've ever heard. Yeah, that's very, very good. So thank you so much for being a patron. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for supporting us financially.

We so appreciate it. We do. If you and by you, I mean the rest of you who aren't Taulu, want to join our Patreon and listen to all of our action movie episodes, you can do that at patreon.com backslash worldf ambulance. We've done dozens of them. Yeah, years worth at this point. We are doing a James Bond's movie. Yeah, we're going to golden eyes coming up. No, no, not gold. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Now it's in my head again.

Gold finger. Gold finger. Does that mean something? Yeah, you'll find out. Okay. I've never seen a James Bond's, so here we are. This is exciting. Is it? Yeah, I like, I like filling in these these cultural touchstones for you. Can't wait until we do a Star War. Oh, no. What? Please don't. Rogue one, here we come. I think I saw that one. Did you? I don't know.

What happens in it? Stars Wars. Adam Driver in it? No, no, no, no, no. I saw that one. Yeah, there's like three of them with him in it. I saw one of them. Fuck it.

I'm not, I don't want to do this. You can also go on our Patreon, patreon. Patreon.com, back slash Royal Family Meals, and listen to all of our episodes of Nice One, Mate, for free without signing up. That is our Line of Duty rewatch podcast. It is our labor of love because it is something that we both enjoy very, very much. I love when people message us and they're like, I have never watched nor will I ever watch an episode of the show, but I love hearing you two talk about it. I can't imagine that because that show is so bananas.

It feels like us talking about this movie that we just did. Like it feels like what, what are you even getting from this? Fuck you two doing. What are you doing? And I also love when people are like, I have now binged all of it. I mean, you can't stop. Yeah. It's not good.

No. Can't stop. No. No, it's like circus peanuts. You're like, I don't really like this. I can keep going. It's still sugar. Still sugar.

Put it directly into my bloodstream. Katie. Alan. I feel like we should do this again next week. Should we? Yeah. Yeah, I already watched the movie. Shh.

Don't spoil it. Well, I've already talked about it several times. What movie are we doing next week? We are doing the 2007 Spanish film. Can you believe this movie is 19 years old? Uh, no. Yes. Fuck.

The orphanage. The orphanage. Yeah. Wow. Real fun film. Real fun film. Felt real good afterwards. Felt real good.

Finally, I did not pick a bummer. I don't think it's a bummer. And I'll tell you why in the next episode. Come back for the orphanage. It's on the streamers. Yeah, you watch it. Yeah, give it a gook. It's got some del Toro shit in it.

DeLorro shit. Yeah. And I think that's it. Happy spooky season. Happy spooky season. and go eat some candy corn. Yeah. And if you've got opinions on candy corn that are counter candy corn.

Shove them up your ass. Yeah, maybe try that. Maybe try a candy corn suppository to calm yourself tell. Yeah, it's butt chugging butt for candy corn. Thanks for listening to another episode of Wear for Ambulance. Fuck me and fast. But chugging candy corn.