Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 578- The Orphanage (2007)

Episode Date: October 19, 2026

In this week's episode, we're doing a little weird orphan stuff with the 2007 supernatural horror film "The Orphanage." Special topics for your consideration include: rallying around the family with a pocketful of seashells, useless husbands, lifelong glasses, confusing parenting choices, and Catholic raps. Like orphan-themed horror? May we recommend Episodes 395 and 399, the "Orphan" franchise?  You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. This month it's "Goldfinger." We are also getting into the meat of our second season of "Nice One, Mate!" which is FREE EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A PATRON. leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever. If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously we have the best EMTs, hands down.

You know what I like. What do you like? I like when a movie references hide and clap. Hide and clap. Well, this game actually makes more sense. Sure. Yeah. My child plays this game, but they play,

what time is it Mrs. Wolf? What's that? So, like, the kids all line up behind to the person who has their back turned. Yeah. And the person with their back, all the kids say, what time is it Mrs. Wolf?

And then the kid with their back turn says, it's five o'clock or whatever. Yeah. And then they also take, like, five steps closer. Oh. And then they don't, you don't turn around after each round. You never turn around until you say dinner time. And then you turn around and chase them.

I always knew it as red light green light. That's very legitimate too. Yeah. It's very legitimate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No hide and clap, though. No hide and clap. As one does.

Put hide and clap. But I like the knocking aspect of this game. Yeah. I also like just how it sounds like a little song. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hide clap. What do we talk about this week?

We're talking about the, the 2007 Spanish film. Yeah. The orphanage. Yeah. How long ago was 2007? Like last week. How long ago was it?

Like two weeks ago? It was 19 years ago. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. More than half my life. Wow.

Nice try. This movie came out the year I moved to Pittsburgh. Really? Yeah. This is the first digital versatile disc that you ever loaned me, we were playing in Mark's game together in 2009, and you were like, I think you'd really enjoy this movie. Oh.

And you loaned it to me. That was nice of me. I really enjoyed it. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm remembering that I own it on DVD and didn't have to rent it. Oh, I should have texted you. You should have texted me about what I own.

Yes. I know you have it. I know I gave it back. We've got some cute little orphans and their cute little orphan outfits. Yeah. running around. One of them's got leg braces, but they're not leaving her behind.

They're all playing with her. Right. One of them appears to be blind. They're all buds. Yeah. So sweet. And there's just a lighthearted scarecrow out there for the sad children. Oh yeah.

Just lighthearted as hell doesn't give anybody nightmares to look at it. Not nightmarish at all. Good thing that one girl's blind. She doesn't have to see it. So we're at the Good Shepherd Orphanage. Yep. And one of them is being adopted. Laurah is being adopted.

You're out of here, Loura. I have questions. Yeah. Well, no, we'll get to them. Okay. Okay. So then we cut to the opening credits which are weirdly CGI wallpaper. Yeah, it doesn't feel necessary.

Like kids' hands peeling back the wallpaper. I feel like they were like, we did this because we could. Yeah, yeah. It's 2007. Computers are new. Get into it. You guys aren't messed with a computer. Maybe you conjured up Esteban.

Esteban. Esteban. So now we are with. Laura as an adult. God, she's gorgeous. Yeah. Beautiful woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Gets woken up by her kid calling to her. And I was like, I bet Katie can't identify with this. Her husband says, I'll go. It's my turn. And then immediately falls back to sleep to which I've written literally all men are the fucking same. Her kid.

Simone? Simone. God, what a cutie, pituity. I feel like I've seen that kid in something else, too. But I can't think of what it was. He's such a little pituit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he can't sleep. So she goes in and tells him about the old lighthouse that doesn't work anymore. And damn, she's good with this, like, making the reflection of the light. Oh, my God, she's amazing. How the fuck did you do that? You're a magician. Mom magician. For some reason, that lighthouse was giving me Darkness Falls. Darkness Falls. Is that the one about the tooth fairy? Yeah. I think the, like, Daniel Mon takes place in a lighthouse. Maybe. Because she can't have the light. Oh, right. Right, right, right.

Stay in the light. Yeah. But she tells them that the light is invisible. Right, and it's there to protect them. Yeah, and that she does a little trick with the back of an alarm clock. She's so good. She's very good. She, like, reflects the moon off the lighthouse.

Bitch what? Why are you making other moms look bad? I don't have these tricks. I don't have these tricks in my sleeves. So we see that they have moved into the orphanage. that she was adopted from. Yep, she's reopening the orphanage. That's wild.

That's a wild decision to do. Yeah, I mean, I guess she's given back. I guess, but at no point are they like, oh yeah, I've actually trained in all this stuff and I know how to do orphan stuff. Yeah, like the husband is a doctor. Yeah, but he doesn't seem to be really like good at anything, period. Although we'll get to it, but I question his doctor.

credentials. Uh, yeah. He's the single worst character of all time. He sucks, does Carlos. Hey, Clint Howard and he will speak. You just got booted up one thought. There you go, Cooper Dick. In the case you can't tell, we are recording these episodes, a back to back.

We learned that Simone has two invisible friends named Watson and Pepe. Yeah, which are great names for Invisible Friends. Totally great names. But the dad is like, oh, forget about them when the orphans get here. I don't know if that's a good thing. If I had a nickel for every time my father said that to me. Slap you upside the head, you'll forget about that when the orphans get here. You want something to cry about it?

You'll cry when the orphans get here. Jesus, Dad. Dad, what? How are our dad still alive? So they're playing piano together. It's adorcable. He sucks. No, he sucks.

So mad at Carlo. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Carlos. Whatever. He fucking sucks.

So this is where I start questioning mom. Yeah. Taking your kid to a cave and letting them just run on in. You can take your kid to a notorious flooding pirate cave. You know what lives in caves? Animals. Predators. Bears.

Burrs. So. They got bears in Spain. Oh, got bears everywhere. Yeah, all right. Look out. Bears. Okay. All right.

I do not know if they have bears in Spain. I understand now. You Spanish? Get in touch. Listen, if you got bears. If only there were a way we could find out that wasn't having a Spanish person contact us and tell us.

Yeah, but then we find out if we have a Spanish listener. Oh, yeah. Yeah, reach out. We want to know. Don't just Google it if you're from like Kentucky. No, fuck you, Kentucky. You're too close to us. We know you got bears.

We know you have bears. So don't just Google it But we don't Okay go on She sent him into this cave And then she's like I'm just gonna rally around the family real quick I can pick up these shells

You do never You do not ever let your child be unattended in a cave system Especially this child who seems unruly at best Gave him a mild flashlight Come on, come on Come on That's like come on How many lumens are on that thing

Let's go let's go people Yeah I forgot you were on our flashlight Pick it up I got a 3,000 lumen flesh laid in my pocket. So after about an hour, she starts yelling for him. Yep. And I haven't noticed. He's probably been eaten by a ghost.

Yeah, probably. But no, he's just in there talking to ghosts. But it's not his invisible friends. It's another boy. Mm-hmm. So there's a set of footprints going further into the cave. Yeah. Yeah.

In the, like, the dirt of the floor, yeah. And she's like, Anyway. Wouldn't you be like, oh my God, there's a child lost in here? And as a mother and a future orphanage owner, I should probably find out. I guess I never thought about like people just open orphanages. They just had to have always existed. Or like, been part of like a church or something.

Sure, a hospital system. Yeah. Just like, you can't just have your own. I guess people have like retirement homes. And just like random like Bob Jones retirement homes. For sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Those are the ones you want to send your parents to when they're mean, do you? They didn't raise you right. So here's a great set of notes I have. Well, so as they're walking back to the house, Simone leaves a trail of shells back to the house. Yes. For his friend to find him. Yes. So they're back at the house.

A car shows up with an orphanage. And then my next note is, it's an old. It is an old. This is Benina Escobeda. Bonina's a fucking great name. Benina. Yeah. It just means not that bad and also a girl.

Yeah. Like benign. Yeah. But feminized. Yeah. Benina. Yes. But if she had walked out and she was like, I'm malignito.

You'd be like, get the fuck out. So she's here about Simone. She says she's a social worker. It's about Simone. And Laura keeps saying to her, I don't understand why you're here. Yeah. I do,

I do not either. Well, she's, she's here because of his disease. Yes. And we learn that he is HIV positive. Right. And it's 2007,

so it's like way worse than it is now. Right. Yeah. Man, that's really come a long fucking way. Yeah, I know. That's something we don't like feel grateful enough for regularly.

Sure. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I remember living in terror of that. Yeah. But now? Now you can just fuck with impunity. that's not the that's not the takeaway guys that is not I am as bad a doctor as Carlos is that is not

the takeaway Simone also does not know that he's adopted which I feel is a bad move sure you always tell you're their kid they're adopted I think okay that's my opinion okay I'm still waiting yeah one one day whitey calls he up lets you know man if I didn't look exactly like both my parents smashed to one human being yeah I look like I fell off of my mother and then grew as an acorn. So, mom kicks out a banana.

Benina apple balm. She gets kicked out. Apple bomb. Yeah, like the trap called Quest song. Oh. And then mom is looking at his paperwork and then hides the paperwork in a drawer. Right.

Husband's a doctor. She watches Simone drawing. I have written here, men in all caps. So he must have done something stupid. The real horror in this movie is men. Yes. There's thumping in the basement that wakes her up. Yeah, what is it?

It's not in the basement. It's a door banging outside. It's the shed door. Yeah. Oh, who's in the shed? The old. Benina. The old Benina.

With a shovel. With a shovel. She's like, when the light hits her, she looks like a raccoon who's been caught. It's very funny. She just turns to the camera and goes, ha, fuff, fuff, fuff, fuff. And she runs with the shovel. She stole that goddamn shovel. Yeah. My note after that is the fuck.

Yeah. This is a good, this is a good bit of creepery. Yeah, yeah. I had forgotten. Like, luckily with my, uh, sieve of a brain, I'd forgotten the entirety of this film. Me too. At the end, I remembered how the real ending ends. and I was like, ah, fuck.

So her husband comes out, this fucking useless bastard and is like, you go sleep with our son. He's like, I'll have the bed to myself. And she's like, okay, honey. So she wakes up to this kid being like, mom, mommy, mommy, can I wake up? Mommy, mommy, can I wake up? Which I was like, is he already dead? What's happening in this movie? No, that's just kids.

Lucy still does that to me. Mom, can I get up? You're up! You know who wasn't me! She's calling you from a car. She's driving. Mom, can I get up? Why did you drive it into the front of the house?

So, mom gets up as well. She goes to the front door. What's at the front door? All the shells. They've all been collected from the cave walk. Yeah. And we see that it's a long walk because it's a lot of shells. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then I have a note that says no one slams the bathroom door. Yeah. It slams on its own. It does. We cut to, um, The kid reading a book that seems a bit old for him, but good for him.

It's like Peter Pan, but, you know, he's really hanging in there with it. Hell of a reader. And he says, I'm never going to grow old. She says, yeah, they, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a good little bit here. Yeah. And the mom's like, oh, no, you will.

And he's like talking about how he met the children, right? Yeah. They can't grow up and I won't either. Yeah. He has six new friends. Yes. Yeah. We see them because he's a real good artist for a seven.

year old. Real good. One of them has a burlap head. The one I referred to as old mask face. Old mask face. Old mask face. I mean, really, this, the whole backstory of mask face feels a little like, what are you doing here? What is, why are we doing this?

You know, why couldn't he just integrate? Why did he have to live in the basement layer? Because how else is it going to go bat-shick cuckoo bananas? I don't know. I don't know. I love the. mythology, storytelling of the kids stealing a treasure of yours that you have to go and find and then they'll grant you a wish. Yeah, there's like they, they, it's a clue to the next spot to the next spot until you find your treasure.

He's got special coins that he was given by an old man. Were his father's? Is he speaking about his father? Maybe. Good. That guy sucks. So inside the bag where the coins are normally kept, what is it? Oh, his milk teeth?

Milk teeth. Milk teeth. Have you ever heard the phrase milk teeth? I have not. Yeah. So his baby teeth. But I guess, I mean, it makes sense. Milk teeth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're made in milk. All of Lucy's are in a sandwich bag in my underwear drawer. Because she still thinks the tooth fairy's real, bud. Oh. I know. Wait. He's not?

He's not real? She. Don't, don't misgender her. She's a... Oh, the tooth fairy's a lady. Yeah. What? I thought the tooth fairy was Dway and the Rock Johnson.

Wasn't he wearing a tutu? Two-to? doing a little gender bending. I have no idea where this joke is going. So they go out in the rain. Yeah, they like go to where the teeth were. Now there's sand in the jar. Yeah.

So they go out to where there's like a sand pit. And they find a thimble. A thimble. So they go to the sewing box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To something else, to something else. They go to the chapel. Yeah.

They find a... We're going to get married. They find some Matriska dolls. Yes. Then they find the coins. Yeah. And his friends told her, told him that his mom's a liar. You're not my mother.

My friend Tomas says, I have no mother or father and I'm going to die. I was so on board because the jaunty, like, them doing this game was like so fun. Gooney-style, like, adventure, yeah. And I was like, oh, if mom set this all up for him, this is a delight. I love this so much. Do you think he set this up? Or do you think the ghosts set this up? I think the ghost set it up.

Really? Yeah, they're real as hell, dog. You think they're real as hell? Oh, those ghosts? Hell yeah. Okay, all right. So, yeah, he finds out he's been adopted by the ghosts. And now it's the next day and all of the potential orphans or whatever this is.

It's like an orphan open house. And they seem to be kids with special needs. Yeah. So they slap these horrible paper machines. masks on them, which feels like when you find out what happened to Tomas, you're like, wait, does she think that that's what you have to do?

She's going to run a terrible orphanage. This woman is so broken. She is. She is. So the kids are here and she's got like a tray of something. She's holding a cake, I think.

Yeah, and she's going to take, she wants to take Simone outside. And he's like, no, I want show you to Thomas' house first. He said his casita. And he smacks the plater tray out of her hands. Yeah. So she slaps him across the face.

Oh, man. I hate that. Yeah. I hate it. Yeah. I hate it. And so he takes off. Yeah.

And she, in typical this lady fashion, is like, I'll worry about that later. He's so little. He's so little. He's so little. And he just the other day yelled at you about. knowing things that you never wanted to tell him. And now you're talking about bringing a bunch of orphans into the house where he lives to be raised alongside him. Yeah, yeah.

He might be having a tough one. Yeah, you should put him in a baby Bjorn and just carry his ass around for a while. Yes, yes. You should snuggle that baby until the end of time. Yes. Yeah. So, um, we see that the creepy little mask kid is at the party. Yes, a burlap child wearing the old dress. Indeed.

Yeah. And then she's like, you know what, I should probably go find that kid I have. Oh, my kid. You know what? Where's dad? Why isn't he going to comfort the kid? When she goes out and tells dad what happened, why doesn't he go look for his child to talk to him? You know why?

He's fucking useless. He's out there arranging cookies. Get your ass in there and be a father. So she can't find the kid. Yeah. She's freaking out. Yeah. And then she is in the bathroom.

Yeah. And the little mask kid is out there. The broad child and the old dress. And he's snorting. Yes, like a little warthog. Yeah. And she tries to lift the mask because she assumes it's her son.

Right. But instead, she gets knocked backwards into the tub after he slams her fingers in the fucking door. Yes, he does. And crushes her fingernail so much that she has to rip it off. Yeah.

Yep. He locks her in the bathroom and then holds up the key. It's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then useless dad has to come

and break her out. I guess this is the only useful. thing he does. What are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? What are you doing? You're so stupid. And at this point I was like, oh, no one is going to use this special needs house for anything. No one will ever bring their child here for them. No, look at you too. You are barely functioning. So she's outside looking for Simone and everyone's like, uh, what are you doing? And I love the old guy that's running around with a cowboy hat and a six shooter. How did you get the invite? He looks like a stereotype of a guy who would make pizza.

Yeah. But he's just running around with a cavalade of six shooter. She also like opens the closet under the stairs where a bunch of jacks fall out. Yeah, or like scaffolding braces or something. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like the things that hold up your choice.

Yeah. And so she just slams those back in and that will never ever come back up. Hmm. Yeah. So she heads out to the pirate cave. Yeah. And she's running into the.

surf. Yeah, because she thinks she sees his little sweater vest in the cave. Yeah, but Carlos doesn't see him. No, because he's fucking useless. He doesn't even have eyes. And she's like cut her leg on a rock or broken at her? She's broken her leg. Yeah, I think the cut is meant to signify that the bone has gone a little popper.

Gotcha. So she can't get there and her husband's holding her back. Yeah, yeah. Yep. And then we're at the hospital. Yep. And my favorite character is there. Pilar?

Pilar, the psychologist. We see no actual cops. Instead of sending cops to find... Yeah. Simone, they send Pilar. No, the cops are out there. The cops are... They got little flashlights and they're a little pillow on cats.

Oh, no, you're right. You're right. They send Pilar to go and be like, so this lady is crazy, right? She killed this kid, right? She obviously killed this kid. She obviously murdered that baby. And Carlos is like, she obviously killed this kid, right?

She's totally capable of it. She was, after all, an orphan. And I am a dog. Doctor of medicine or something. So she's wheelchair bound. A wheelchair at the top of the stairs. Already on the second floor. What are we doing here?

Put a bed downstairs. Lee Cronin's the Mummy. Here we are. Fuck that movie. You loved it, though. Didn't you give it a seven? Oh, no, that was last week's movie. Yeah, which was perfect.

And I gave it a seven. Perfect movie seven. Yeah. Perfect movie. That's why I got a seven. And make sure you turn in to see what Katie's rating was. Fuck off. That was last week.

They've already heard it. So Carlos gives her his lucky Saint necklace or whatever is my nose. Okay. This one I'm going to explain to you because I knew you wouldn't know. St. Anthony Metal. Not Antony? St. Anthony's ice cream.

St. Anthony's ice cream where he just went last weekend. It was so good. St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost items. Okay. So there's like a little rhyme that's like St. Anthony, St. Anthony, please look around. Simone is lost and can't be found, you know. Really? Yeah.

There's like a little whimsical rhymes for your weird religion. Yeah. St. Anthony, St. Anthony, please look around. Whatever it is is lost and can't be found. I mean, this is just Catholic lore. This one, my family was like, you know, sort of. half shit Catholic. Catholic.

Catholic. We Catholic, yeah. Is there like St. Christopher, said Christopher, Christopher, show me where to go. Is me like the travelers thing? I think so, yeah. Show me where to go.

I don't want to take the turnpike. That's a no. Because people always have them on their... I'm looking for this place and I don't know. My name is Allen and I'm here. St. Francis of Assisi, you were for the births. Cicot! Cicaw!

No, that's very quite good. This is our new musical endeavor. I don't think you would tune in for Catholic rap. What would our Catholic rap names be? A Mary Hagdalen. John Paul III. Perfect. Very good.

Mary Hagdalen is your roller derby name. Whenever we do this thing where we make these jokes and make each other laugh so hard, I imagine like a listener being, just being like stony face. Like they are not funny at all. Yeah. Yeah. They keep tuning in though.

Yeah, you do. Idiots. So she's dreaming of swimming. She wakes to a whistle. Very del Toro, this like swimming scene, yeah. Only a producer on this. I'm assuming this movie was already made. He was like, yeah, I'll pull my name on.

I don't know. He definitely got his. There's some elements to feel very him, yeah. So we hear creaking noises. Yeah. And she finds a doll in her kid's bed. Yes. Yeah, spookery.

We learned that he's been gone for six months. Yeah, we're six months later now. This is awful. And missing child, I know I've said this on here before. A missing child, I feel is worse than a dead child because at least a dead child, you can grievement. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I can't even fucking imagine.

No. It's, I can't even fucking imagine. It makes my skin crawl. Yeah. Like, little, little. So, uh, there's, they're at a bereavement support group. Don't show up to the dead kid group if you don't want to act like your kid is dead. If, unless you're, you know, like, what do you do in a dead kid group?

You're fucking with these people. So you guys are your kids are dead, huh? Not mine. No, mine. My kid was taken by his invisible friends. What? Get out. Oh, man.

You're ruining everyone's day and they've had enough ruined days. Why didn't Watson and Poppe or Pepe help? Why weren't they help their helping? There were Watson and Pepe. You know what that means that they were really imaginary all along? Yeah. Come on, Watson and Pepe. Would watch whatever children show Watson and Pepe are on.

Oh, my God, yes. It sounds like a punch and, uh, what is it? Judy? Punch of Judy. Yeah. They're driving home. Mm-hmm. And who does she see?

Pushing a little pram. Oh, my girl Bonina. Your girl Benina. But it's also snowed and they're driving in this like snowy little like valley town. It looks fucking gorgeous. And I was like, why are I in a spagna right now? Espania. Yeah, I looked at this up.

It was a, it's like some somewhere in north. West Spain, I think. Okay. Yeah, it looks, it looked like such a beautiful area. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, she sees Bonina, Applebaum, pushing the, uh, the stroller in the street. And she's like, Bonina. And she turns around and she like, what? And then gets hit by fucking van.

It just smashes her and the stroller. And the stroller gets like, kak, kak, kak, kak, kak, into the wheels of the van. It's really good. It's really good. Really, really good. So we see that Benina has been knocked down. She does not get up again. She does not chamba or wamba.

She shan't. So Carlos runs over to do CPR. Okay, we see him doing chest compressions. Fine, sure, good. Sure, yes. And then we see him doing a mouth to mouth. What? No.

And then we see what her face looks like. How could you even mouth that mouth? He comes up and he looks like he's been eating pasta without a fork. He got that Sunday red gravy. Or like that one time we went to. Bukina Bepo and Lucy somehow got pasta sauce on her back. I was like, I don't even know how that she did that. You were

like, how did you get sauce on your back? I remember being like, I don't know. As if it was a stupid question. You fucking idiot. Dork. So he comes up and his face is covered in blood. I was like, you just slammed your face into the hole where her jaw

used to be. She looks great though. This like her jaw all the way down. like, oh, it's so good. It's the one gross out shot in this movie, and I was like, I'm glad you did it one. Yeah, this movie's entirely good spookery. Yeah, yeah.

And then they do this one gross out, and I think it's so well placed and so well done. What I couldn't tell was, was that definitely Benina? Like, once her jaw... She has those glasses on. Yeah, she doesn't have the glasses on. And, like, her hair looked like it was blonde rather than, like, gray. But she was also pushing a doll in that stroll.

Yeah, yeah. Because when she goes to look under the car, under the van, She pulls out another, like, old-style doll. Yeah. So I do, I don't know. But it must have been because. Because Pilar shows up and is like, yeah, Benina's dead. I went to her house as a doctor-psychologist.

As a doctor-police psychologist. A doctor-police psychologist. And I got all of her super eight films and I've brought them to you. Yes, I've got all of these pictures from the orphanage that were at Benina's house. We learned that Tomas. Yeah, the mask kid. Who is the friend that Simone said he met in the cave. was her deformed son that had to be kept away from the others.

But why? Because the other kids all had some issues too. Or most of them did. Or several of them did. And they were working it out. They were playing amongst themselves. Why couldn't he live amongst them? And seemingly caring for each other as well.

Yeah. It didn't seem like an unfriendly place. And kids will just bring people into the fold. That's what kids do, because they haven't learned to be shitty like we are. Little kids. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Before the age, where they're going to go to hell.

Yeah. No, that's if they don't get baptized. I know. Immediately, babies go to hell. Have you seen my new Disney film, All Babies Go to Hell? It's just nonsense. I'm sorry. Forgive me, Catholics. But what the fuck are we talking about out here? Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If there is a merciful God,

wants me to believe in him. How are you going to send my baby to hell? She's sweet and good to everyone. Yeah. She loves animals. She's not going to burn an internal damnation. Fuck you. Because I didn't pour some water on her dome.

Get out of here with that. I still stick by my argument of my dog died of cancer, so I'm never believing in God. Because if there was a God, why would my dog die of cancer? Why would dogs get cancer? Fuck off. You give cancer to dogs? Maybe, well, no, because the argument for that is,

God wanted Ruby to come to heaven with him, because all dogs go to heaven. God wanted Ruby up there so that she could hide under the table. Tuck her tail between her legs and then make the gnarliest farts I've ever smelled. Come from a living thing. She had an incredible knack for that. You almost vomited. I can handle a bad smell.

I almost vomited. Oh, I could smell. I could taste it right now. She was my special baby. She was a great dog. She really opened up to me at the end of her life. She was really bad at being a dog. She was not what you would consider a dog.

No. She ruled. Anyway, so. She really did. Now the, like, doors are opening while she, oh, she's in bed. She's in bed, and, like, the door opens, and we see nothing get under the sheets with her. Yeah. And there's like really cool like special effect shot of like it could be someone getting into bed or it could be no one getting into bed like a ghost getting into bed. And then she's talking to Carlos. Yeah, she's like lying with her back turned to whomever has just gotten in the bed. Yeah. She does this whole thing about like how she doesn't remember what it's like to sleep through the night. And I thought, yeah, but your husband sure does that fucking sleepy motherfucker. Oh, get it. And she's talking about feelings and he's not responding because men. No, it's because he's in the to-y.

Yeah, well. Because she sees footsteps or feet underneath the door and she's like, dude, someone's in the fucking bathroom. Yeah, but he definitely heard her talking anyway. It's Carlos in the bathroom. Just over husbands at this point. Carlos in the bathroom. Is that going to be like one of our, is that going to be like one of your verses?

Yeah. It's my take on the specials mirror of the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. No, I know. Okay. I'm just trying to figure out how we can like sort of sample that song into one of our Catholic raps. Yeah, yeah. John Paul the third.

Not John Paul Jones the third. John Paul Jones the third. If you didn't listen to last week's episode, which we recorded right before this one, this one makes no sense. I'm trying to figure out a John Paul the third six mafia thing. So, um. Now they go to a paranormal conference. Yeah, that's your next logical step. Yeah.

Go find the warrants. Find the warrants. And at this point, nine months have passed. Yeah. I like the paranormal guy. I love him. I really thought something bad was going to happen to him. For sure.

No. And he's like, you know what? I know a medium. Yep. I can, if you're cool with it. Okay, just cut into that scene. Here's the medium. Here's the medium.

Yep. And Enrique. I also really like Enrique. Yeah. it's kind of great. Yeah. I also like that this movie is just like, yeah, ghosts are real. Fucking deal with the dog.

Yeah, this medium, ghosts and mediums are real. Yeah. Yeah. Which was giving me, um, the others vibes. I hated that. Didn't I? I don't remember. I don't feel like I like that.

I like the movie quite a bit. I know you do. Um, and Pilar is also there. And I was like, hell yeah. Polar, welcome back to the fold. Well, she's been invited by Carlos, who is like mediums and ghosts aren't real. Yeah. Yeah.

And maybe I'm fucking Pilar. And maybe I'm fucking Pilar. And also then the medium says, like, yeah, she can be here. Cops are cool. Do you think I haven't know that says cops are cool question mark? Boo. Or was she like, yeah, cops are cool. Yeah, it's hard to tell.

Fucking nerds. Nerds. So we've got cameras all over the house and we've got multiple reel-to-reel tape recorders, which I appreciate it because it's like, yeah, you got to catch them on tape. Like digital shit? Come on. No, no, no. They can fool that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physical. Yeah. I've watched enough ghost hunting TV shows. Absolutely. Did you hear that? Did you see that? Come at me, bro.

God, I want to fight a ghost so badly. Getting a ghost and a headlock and just punching it, freaking the fucking teeth. Did we do grave encounters, too? No. We should do great. I said it was such a much. I'll look it up while we talk.

after we had to figure out which Halloween films we hadn't done yet. So the lady, the medium is now been put into a trance by the guy from the paranormal conference. Yeah. I don't think we ever get his name, but maybe I'm wrong. No, I don't think so. And she now goes on walkabout around the house. We have not done great one counters. Oh, we should put that on a list.

Oh, hell yeah. The first one was sweet, sweet trash. It was good. It was really fun, yeah. And we see, she's like interacting with something and we're seeing like sound waves start showing up on the oscilloscope. Yeah. And we start hearing voices talking back to her. And I was like, well, go surreal.

Go surreal. And it's the voices of children. Crying. Crying and saying, Sit children. Saying like someone has poisoned us. Yeah. So she goes into the room where all the beds are.

Yeah. And she's like trying to comfort. the children and they're like bawling and screaming. I hate this part. I mean, it's good and I hate it. Yeah. And she's like, there's five very sick children and they're crying. And then the camera start breaking up.

Excuse me. And then we get her recounting her experience with the ghosts. And Carlos is like, oh, that doesn't seem real to me. It seems like Enrique could have all that up. One thing that we also do here, here, here. one thing that we also do here in this scene is a child saying I want you to open the door which I think is our boy

oh no I don't like that at all yep yep yep and she thinks this medium thinks that Simone could see the ghost because he was near death because he has HIV he has HIV yes and she shows her arm which is covered in like pox scars

or something unclear she had some sort of malady. Jesus silica? Something was all this. But yeah, Dr. Dad kicks him out because Pilar agrees. Yeah. And Lauer's like, what could they want? They haven't even asked for money.

And Pilar goes, they haven't yet. And then it cuts to the paranormal man who was like, I was going to ask for money. Also, someone says your pain will give you strength. That's what the medium says to mom because she is telling her, like, she says that seeing is not believing. It's the other way around. If you believe, you will see. I was like, I feel like this sounds like someone, something that like someone who practices Reiki would say. Sure.

You know. But your pain will give you strength is a good album title for a do you want something to cry about? Yes. Write it down. God, we have so many album titles and no songs. No songs. Not a song written. Only albums, no songs.

That's it. That's it. You figure it out. You as the listener figure it out. So Carlos goes into his room and he's taken down his like spirit board for looking for his dead kid. Yeah. I mean missing kid.

Not dead. Missing kid. And it's not a spirit board. It's like his news clippings board. And it's like those news clippings aren't telling you anything. You're the one who gave them information. See. What are you doing?

What are you doing? So for a little while now, they have like an argument about it and he's like yeah the medium stuff was bunk I didn't like it we can't keep doing this we should leave and then for like the next five minutes

it's just her like lurking around the house looking at stuff he she tells her that he's leaving and that she has to come with him and she says no give me two days well that's in a little bit oh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry no no you're fine you're fine oh you're right go ahead

yeah so she's lurking around the house and she's like she asked for a sign basically and a window falls and breaks yeah she says give me a sign i'm not afraid and the window shatters yeah and then which would scare the shit in me and i would immediately leave i would shit my pants and i never come back i i would what son who is simone i remember one apartment i lived in i had a fireplace that had two i have i had these like crosses that i found like someone had broken off a church oh damn and so i had them hanging upside down on the fireplace and one of them fell one day and I was like well I've

conjured Satan I did it that is the end yeah like I don't believe in any of the stuff and if anything happens I'm like well that's it I'm done spooky a yeah yeah so um she's lurking around the house and and she the window breaks and she goes over to the like uh seated area by the window lifts up the cushion lifts up the wood yeah and underneath it is five pieces of wood like five two before panels yeah that have children's names on them. And we have learned all of their names because when the Pilar showed up with the photos, she went through them and named all the kids.

Right. And then underneath each of those panels is a doll. Yeah. Resembling the child. Resembling her friends from childhood. Right. These children. Like, we learned that one child is Rita.

Here's one that says Rita. Oh, shit. That's a doll that looks like Rita. One of my inconsistencies of this film is that early in the movie, we learn that she's 37 years old. Sure. And all of the stuff from her being in an orphanage looks like it took place in 1937. The 1800s? Yeah.

Like Sherlock Holmes might have stopped by. And also. Is that just Spain? Benina is like when we see pictures of her when she's young. Oh, when she worked at the orphanage. When she worked at the orphanage. She's young. She's like 20.

Yeah. And then like. Right. She must have. I mean, yeah, yeah. She's a little kid. So even if it's 30 years later, she's just 50. But that woman looked like she was.

119. You called her an old. You did call her an old. You wouldn't call a 50-something an old because you're a 50-something spry and young and rural and full of shrimp tails. Creaky knees. Creaky knees.

Yeah. If I'm in a haunted house and I hear creaky, I'm like, just my niece. Just my knees. Nobody freak out. So she finds all these dolls and in with the dolls is a picture of her and Simone. Yes, a prized photo.

and she realizes that they have taken her treasure and left her a clue. The treasure is Simone. And she said, you want to play with me? St. Anthony, St. Anthony, you want to play with me? I have heard rap music before. I'm just not good at beatboxing. No, you don't even like rap music. What?

I know. I know you do. I like your beatboxing. Wicca, wicka, wicka. So. The stealing game has begun. She's now finding clues that are leading her into places, and eventually she finds a doorknob. A doornaub. A very beautiful ornate doorknob.

And then imagine having so many doors in your house that you wouldn't notice of a doorknob was missing. She goes into the shed, and there were so many knob options in the shed. It's insane. Rename this place, the Palace of Knob's because she got so many knobs. And she finds the Benina's pin that she must have dropped when she was stealing the shovel, except the shovel's still there. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like a little pin that has like pictures of people like a little like

Curio thing. Yeah. Yeah. Again, that she got from the 1800s when she was 20. Yeah, the photos are black and white. Black and white and they're like Momentum Mori photos. Laura's my age. Oh, Katie.

I'm 37. What? You're not 37 anymore. No, you're not 37 anymore. Just because you're not. Wait, I'm 47 again? Yes, that's how this works. Imagine being excited about being 47.

Shit. That's going to happen to me too, isn't it? Without a doubt. So she kicks through a little door on an oven. Yeah. What's in the oven? Some bags, sacks really. Yeah.

Full of ash. Uh-huh. That's probably fine. She dumps them out and finds a jawbone. Mm-hmm. A human jawbone. And she dumps out another one and finds the leg braces, which we knew Martine had. Yeah. Why didn't those burn?

Anyway. Leg braces? Yeah, they're like leather and stuff. Oh, I don't know. And then there's like skulls and rib cages. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So they call in Pilar. And the cops. Yeah. And also at this point I have a note that says, who drinks this much orange juice? Every time someone's drinking something, it's orange juice. Yeah, that's wild. It's so acidic.

You guys are going to get gurd. What are you doing? Your teeth are going to hurt. Yeah. Anyway, Carlos is like, I have to go and you have to come with me. Yeah, and she's like two days. It needs two days. And he's like, yeah, seems fine.

Yeah. You're not descending into madness. I'm going to take off, though. Yeah, I mean, like me, I'm done. Yeah, Pilar, I mean. I alone, me, myself, will go stay at a hotel. Oh, man. So she puts together the old furniture in like the bunk house

She builds the old scarecrow Like she puts everything back the way it was And I don't understand why she knows or thinks to do that But she does Yes Because she has completely lost her mind at this point She puts on the old principal's dress Yeah

But that old principal was much heavier than her She's a very thin woman But it fits her like a glove Yeah She probably fitted it She has a sewing kit and stuff. Sure. Two days.

Put a little dart in there. I can barely like fold my laundry in two days. You know what I'm saying? Two days is not a long time. Go on. Listen, laundry has to sit in a basket for at least a week to settle. Sometimes? And you can put it away.

Then you dump it out and then put the new load of clean laundry in the basket so that the ones that have settled can now breathe. Pro move? Yeah. Three laundry baskets. So you can just move them around. I only own one. I got to get a second. Christmas is.

coming. Oh, baby. What if you gave me a laundry basket? What a utilitarian gift? I would love that. So she's taking some sort of pills at this point. I don't know what these are. I'm assuming it is something to calm her.

I see. When she puts on the uniform, she also has the St. Anthony medallion hanging out outside of it. And she goes out. outside and rings the bell and waits. Yep, nothing happens. No. And she's got a table full of treats. But like old style treats.

Yeah, yeah, from the 1800s. Yeah. And she's like, uh, what did you guys want me to do? And then she like spins in a circle with her arms backwards and she's like, what are you waiting for? So she decides to play one, two, three, knock on the wall. Yeah, yeah. And a door opens behind her.

I love this scene. Yeah. It's so spooky. Yeah. Do you think James Wan saw all this and he's like, oh, that's how I did. do it. They're all about putting newsies in this, though? Have you thought about doing it in broad daylight and having the children dance?

And then like a tiny Tim song playing? Have you thought about this? Tip down, there are the children. So one, two, three, knock on the wall. The door's open. One, two, three, knock on the wall. There's a child. One, two, three, knock on the wall.

There's children. A bunch of children, yes. Yeah. And then they tag her and she chases them. To the jack closet. Yeah. Why were those jacks in that closet? You know, for the things earlier.

All right. So she gets shut in the closet. Door keeps closing her hand, yep. And then... She sees that the inside of that closet door is the matching doorknob. Yeah. So she's looking around. Before that, when the door opens and then shuts again and right before it shuts, there's a child there. Yeah.

I almost jumped out of my skin. Good. I was like, fuck, they got me. Good. Like, it's giving me, like, it's making my heart palpitate right now. I always think of jump scares as being a bit cheap. Yeah. But I feel like in this movie, they're done to really.

into fact. When they hit, it's so good. Like in oddity. The greatest jump scare of all time. Yeah. Oh, don't want it. Someone followed you into the house. You've got to let me in.

Yeah. Fuck, that movie's good. Fuck God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Have you watched it again for the spooky season yet? Not yet.

Not yet. I'm saving it for like a time that I feel really bad. It's not a movie to watch when you feel really bad. No, it'll make me feel better. Okay. I'll think about what if, like, why couldn't my mom have been given an old, a wooden man by a witch. What if she was

is she just didn't share it with me. Yeah, that's stupid bitch. Dead mom's club. So she, yes, she finds a hole in the wall. It fits the doorknob. She peels the wallpaper, which is the, the aforementioned. The aforementioned.

But this time it's real and not CGI. Yeah. And this, she finds the, the doorknob, it fits, and the door opens to the basement. Stairs into the darkness. Here's the thing. Yeah.

How'd you don't know that basement was there? Yeah. Yeah, it's a big basement. I mean, when she goes down the stairs, it rises like 30 feet in the air. Yeah. There's like a flickering light. A child appears and disappears. And there's, there's Tomas drawings all over the walls.

I guess this was his layer. He drew a sick bird, though. He did. He's a really good artist. He's a really good artist. And I don't understand why he couldn't make pictures with the other kids. His mom worked at the orphanage. I don't understand.

I don't understand either. Oh, man. So we glossed over this, of what happened to Tomas. Yeah. But we understand that he was, he was Benina's son. Yes. Benina worked at the orphanage.

She kept this fucking burlap mask on him because his face was so deformed. But even if he was wearing the mask, why couldn't he play with the other kids? That's the part I don't get. She kept him in the basement. And then the other kids... Like busted him out. Busted him out and took him to the cave. Yeah.

And they were like... They were playing with him and they wanted to take his mask off. seemingly to like, we're going to take your mask off and you're just going to like learn to deal with what you look like and we're going to hang out with you. Or just the curiosity of children of like, what is under the mask? Yeah. And they took his mask off and shoved him in the cave and he wouldn't come out of the cave. Right. So he died in the cave. When the tide rose, he died in the cave. Yes. And then Benina murdered all those other children. Murdered all those other children. And then burnt their little bodies. Burned their little bodies. Yeah. And then seemingly hid some leg braces in with the body's ashes. Yeah. Uh, yes. So that is why. Also, why is there a crematorium at this orphanage? You don't like to see that. Oh, orphanages?

Always cremating. Always be cremating. ABC, as they say. So she goes down the stairs into the basement. Yeah. What happens next? What's she finding in the basement? She finds Simone wrapped in a blanket.

Yeah, he's just a little hidey hole. He's alive. Yeah. And he says, Mommy, why are you crying? Yeah. And then there's a clang. He tells her to stay and play with us. Yeah.

And she, there's this, I love this scene where there's like the rotating camera and she's doing this monologue to her son about like, close your eyes and think about the future of what you're going to be when you grow up and what will do for Christmas. And brightly lit in the basement. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then eventually the camera stops spinning and the lights go out. And then she sort of lets go of the blanket slowly. Yeah.

And it's empty. It's empty. And what does she see? She sees that the stairs are broken. And there's a body. on the floor. Yeah. And it's wearing the burlap sack.

Yep. So that was her kid that pushed her into the bathtub. Yeah. Because we'd seen her like put him pushing her and stuff earlier. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, yes, we realize that this is the casita that he wanted to show her,

Thomas's little house. And if she had just gone. Also, if she had not shoved those stanchions or whatever back into the closet, it would not have locked him into the closet. Yes. Because it was like movie. That's rude. Yeah, putting it all on mom.

Yeah. Where was dad? And how was there no other exit out of that basement? No, well, it doesn't matter because he got, he broke through the railing and broke his neck. That's how he died. That's true. That's true. But not right away. Because we learn, like, in flashback of her, like, running around the house, looking for him and then, like, putting her ear to the wall and hearing thumping.

Yeah. That he was in the basement knocking on the walls. Yeah. I want you to open the door. That's what the medium heard the kid say. Oh, give me. goosebumps right now. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. It's really bleak. Yeah. She's saying, I found you, I found you, and then starts taking lots of pills while holding his little corpse. Yeah, while sitting on the bench seat that the window had broken by. And the lighthouse is now, she's taking a bunch of pills, and then she kind of puts her head down.

And she brings her back up, and her head back up at the lighthouse is back turned on. Yep. And all the kids are there. She sees herself as a child on the lawn. And Simone is also a child, again, because they are both dead. Yep. And the kids are in their beds. He immediately starts fucking asking questions.

Asking questions from the jump. From the grave. Jesus. It never ends. So the kids are on their beds. The kids with whom she had shared the orphanage of the child. The banana murder victims. Yeah.

And so they come over and they touch her face and are like, oh, it's Laura. It's the blind girl goes over and touches her face. Oh, he's the blind girl. Yeah. And she says, it's Laura. And now they're all happy. And someone says she's grown old like Wendy in the story, the Peter Pan reference. Yeah.

Being eternally responsible for a crew of seven-year-olds is pretty rough. Here's a note. Happy ending question mark? Unless you're Carlos. No, I, look, you know why this is a happy ending for Laura? She doesn't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. She can do things the way she wants without him having to do nothing to help, but also tell her how to do it.

Also, his choice in tombstone for that family is, it's a little tacky. Do not allow anyone to get a mirrored tombstone. You want to see yourself in there? I just wanted to be about me, Carlos. He finds the St. Anthony Meadow on the floorboards, picks it up, and smiles as the door opens. He's just going to live there with his ghost wife. Ghost wife and ghost family of seven. Yeah, I mean, she's the answer to what they say.

they wanted. It was five to six orphans. Yeah. There we are. Last note. Yeah. Wow. Brutal. Yeah, I loved it. I love this movie. Let's go to the ratings face. I may give it a nine. I fucking love it. I think it's such good spookery. I think the one gory scene is done perfectly. I hate men and I love this movie. Thank you, nine. It sounds like I have to give it a nine too and also give myself a nine for predicting that you would really like this movie.

Yes. 19 years ago. or whatever. 17 years ago when our friendship began. We've been friends for a really long time. Yeah, dude, we've been doing this show for a really long time. Half of my life. Because you're 24 now. What's it like to age in reverse?

I got that Benz buttons. All right. I had a lot of fun doing this with you. I had a lot of fun doing this with you too. I think we should do it again. Well, the orphanage again? No. A different movie.

What should we do? A different movie about kids and murder. Oh, good. I love that we're doing all these kid murder movies. I mean, that's all they all are, aren't they? And curses. That's right. I couldn't remember what it was.

What are we doing next week? Halloween 5, the Revenge of Michael Myers. Which may or may not be the last Halloween we haven't done besides two. Okay. I think it might be. And then we need to revisit three because I feel like you don't give that movie the adoration. Okay. I'll do three again.

I would love to do three again, actually. Just sometimes I'll just be like doing something and I'll go, how the fuck did he get stonehenged to California? How did he get Stonehenge to California? Coddle Cochran, I love you so much. Jesus Christ. And also made me think like when we were watching or when I was watching Evil Speak, I was like, so many movies in the 80s just had like computer doing evil. Yeah. Like because that movie also has.

And meanwhile, that was the future. Here we are. Computers are doing evil. Great. Great. Oh, happy spooky season, guys. Oh, the spookiest of seasons. Join us over on Patreon at patreon.

At patreon.com back slash whereof ambulance. Buy our merch at teapublic.com. Search for werewolf ambulance. Yeah. There might be a new t-shirt design up soon. I got to get just on getting the transparent design. Hopefully I've done it by this point. This is coming out in like three weeks from today.

It's a good shirt. You can wear it to church. Fucking hell. Fuck me in fast. Fuck me. Fast. Get an iPhone case. Absolutely.

Travel mug maybe. That's it. Go be spooky. Go do spooky stuff. Be nice to yourselves and each other. Yeah. Go buy new masks to scare kids when you're handing a Halloween candy. I got a new one.

I sent Katie a picture of it the other day. It's fucked. It's my bazoo mask. It's so good. I like texted Alan. I was like, wow, I love that your beard is sticking out from under it. And then I showed it to Lucy and she was like, I love that his beard is sticking out from under it. It's my baby girl.

This thing will not be tamed. No, no. You got to braid it like the guy from lit or whatever. I'm St. Tony and I'm here to say. Thanks for listening to Where Will Fabule? Today. Today, it was right there. It was in your grasp.

No, man, I go for a slant rhyme. I love you all. Bye. Ha ha ha ha.