Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - From the Patreon - ConAir (1997)

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

In lieu of a new episode this week, we are releasing one from our action movie Patreon episodes. Please enjoy Con Air & we'll be back soon with a new episode! Be well & take it easy everyone. 

The first thing, the very first thing. Out of the gate. When you Google this movie, people also ask, is Con Air a true story? Sugar shits. Sirs. Is Lord of the Rings a true story? The third thing is, why is Con Air called Con Air? I think it's right there in the fucking title.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. What's that, the like, no, oh no internet meme? Like it's on the TikToks. See, I wouldn't know.

Kids know what I'm talking about. Kids, I'm only on Twitter, which is full of middle-aged white people, as far as I can tell. Second thing. Go! $17.99 to own a digital copy of this movie. Are you fucking kidding me, Amazon? You think it's that good, Jeff?

Malkovich got to get a cut. Got to get a taste, got his beak wet. Oh my God. Oh my God. Con Air. I can taste, got his beak wet. Oh my God. Oh my God. Con Air. My first and foremost and biggest question. Yeah. Why that accent?

Why that accent? When this movie first started, I was like, please don't tell me he's not gonna do this the whole time. He does. He does it the whole time. Most of the time. My character's from Alabama. That's correct, Dr. Cage. Doctor?

So I just talk like this the whole time and that's going to be my accent? Well, I won't open my mouth that much, but I'll talk like this the whole time. But also slow it down a little. Yeah. How you doing? You just got into Southern Lawyer. Oh, y'all know I'm Nicolas Cage. It's a really fine line between Nicolas Cage in this movie and Southern Lawyer, if I'm being honest with you.

My second question? Yeah. Come on, daddy, let's dance. Come on, daddy, let's dance. God, he has such a like dipshit, dopey smile. Oh, yeah. When she says that to him and he just goes, I hate it, I hate it so much.

And I feel like that works like when he's being serious, Nick Cage, like in or even like something like, fuck, what's the movie? It could happen to you with Rosie Perez where he's a cop who promises her half of his lottery winnings if he, no? Nevermind. No, no.

The one that happens in LA and he's a punk rocker, what can I think of the name of this movie? Anyway, he's like kind of like a dopey dude in it. And I'm like, he nails dopey dude. Because he is! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's who he is. But this, he's our action hero.

Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. So this is Nick Cage coming home from the war? Kuwait? Probably. I think Kuwait. He's an army ranger.

He's an army ranger with a hot wife. Yeah. They just want you to know he's got a hot wife. She's so hot. And he also calls her my wife. And I was like, OK, proto-borat. Y'all know this is my wife. My wife.

My wife. So he goes to meet her at the bar that she's bartending at or waitressing or something. Yes. And immediately, two guys are like, I want to fuck your wife. I I wanna fuck your wife so bad. I wanna fuck your wife. He cannot stop wanting to fuck his wife.

And he just looks at them like, hey. And his wife's like, honey no, you left that man behind. Don't bring that man back. One of them says to him, because of pussies like you, we lost Vietnam. Wow. What a thing to say. Don't worry though, later he murders that man by jamming his nose bone into his brain.

He does. Also, like who wants to get in a fight in the rain? Just go home. I don't know. I'm not gonna look at a man in an army rangers uniform and go, I should probably start a thing. I should start a thing with him about his own wife. Yeah, I'm definitely in the right here. Listen, I just want to fire so bad.

You're so fucking fuckable. I love his lawyer. Oh, he kills a man and has to go to court for it. But this fight scene, this is our first action sequence in the movie, this fight scene. But it's so dark and so spinny that you have no idea who's winning the fight, even though it's three on one. Yeah, come on, Bruckheimer. You literally cannot tell who's fighting whom. No.

No. The only thing you could tell is when like, happens when he shoves the nose bone into the guy's brain. He death punches him in the face nose. And the guy like definitely crosses his eyes and gets like, and falls down. The guy had pulled a knife on him.

Yeah, yeah. Which in that case, it's self defense, right? So why does he go to jail for upwards of a decade? Because he goes to meet with his lawyer who says, oh, no, just plead guilty, who cares? And it's also crazy because in the courtroom, they say something about how he's not subject to the same laws.

Yeah. He is absolutely subject to the same laws. How dare you say that? That's unconstitutional. My God, take this shit to the Supreme Court of Appeals, baby! You've become a killing machine. Like, I just don't think that's how that works. So he goes to jail and his hair is immediately longer, which I think is hilarious.

Yes, he did get extensions before going on the inside. And then we get what I can only describe as civil war correspondence between him and his wife and later daughter. That's right. what I can only describe as civil war correspondence between him and his wife and later daughter. That's right. Dearest Trisha, why I'm once again stuck in imprisonment for the next seven to end or ten years. My baby Casey. Oh Casey. This is where I mean it we're pretty you know we're 15 minutes into the movie this point I was like he's really gonna do this accent. I kept thinking it would end.

Myself, mate, truly loves the sugary pink balls that you send me in the mail. Who is mailing snowballs in a letter? Snowballs with a letter. And also, how is this prison on fire? There are just like barrels of fire, like a camp. I cannot be bothered by this riotous activity. Like what in the actual fuck?

Dearest father, it is I Casey. I am now of an age where I can write to you. I am also a southern lawyer. I am a southern lawyer in training. Dearest Casey, I'm a learning the Japanese order, origomer. What is happening in this movie? What do you think Baby-O is in for?

And why is his name Baby-O? I cannot take it. We have, I, hmm. Baby-O, AKA Bubba from Forrest Gump? Yes, he is, yes he is. That guy just kept getting shit name after shit name. Also, he says, like, when Nick Cage gets his parole letter, he's like, I ain't never gonna see one of those with my name on it.

And then he's leaving with him. Why? How? Well, he is being transferred to another prison, and Nicholas Cage says, but who will look after you, baby, oh, now that I am no longer your white savior? And baby, oh, says, do not worry, my friend, for God has my back. but who will look after you baby oh now that I am no longer your white savior and baby oh says do not worry my friend for god has my back oh right that's why i wrote i'm sorry but god definitely does not have your back i didn't know what it was about so what did baby oh do uh i don't know because he's being transported with these like high profile criminals but we're told that he couldn't have been like a very violent criminal or he

wouldn't be on that block later in the movie. Right? Well, this movie, this movie is constantly going, just don't ask. Yeah. Right. Cause it's like, uh, oh, like hundreds and hundreds of times a year, we fly these prisoners around on our airline. So yeah, we do that all the time. Yeah. And then it's like, uh, uh, but then there's like the worst, the worst. And then we have three, three fine people, three fine people. They would put that motherfucker on a Greyhound bus. We all know that.

They just put you outside the prison. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know if you get money anymore. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Yeah. What was the name of that dumb prison out in the middle of the ocean in the last Nicolas Cage movie we did? Oh. Remember that like it was something backwards?

Oh my God, what was that? Was that a Nicolas Cage movie? Yeah, wasn't it Face Off? Oh, I don't even know. I don't know either. Who knows? Yeah, but I remember what you're talking about. Where they had like, maybe it wasn't.

Where they had moon boots on? Where they had like gravity boots? What was that, Face had moon boots on, where they had like gravity boots. What was that, Jason? I feel like that was one of like the like, Jason in Space or? Oh, I thought it was an action movie. I thought it was a Patreon episode. Well, who's to say?

Who's to say? It's been a lifetime up until this point. It really has. I feel crushed under the weight of all the movies we've done. So then we meet John Cusack, and he's so little. So little. So little.

How do you feel about John Cusack? Oh, fine. I love him. Yeah, I'm totally fine with him. I really love him. I grew up with John Cusack in my life. You and he next door in Delaware. Not just on all the movies that I watched as a child.

Yeah. And then we meet O'Brien from the transport room of Next Generation. Who I only refer to as Star Trek in my notes. Oh yeah, I call him O'Brien. In this film, he is an American. Oh my god. Colm Meany.

His name is not, the character's name is not Colmeany. His name is Colmeany. His character is Agent Duncan Malloy. He is swallowing that accent so hard. He's doing the fucking best he can. And I honestly think he's okay. He's fine, he's fine. It's just him trying not to be Irish is really funny.

And trying to be like a bad guy character. So that he can have a redemption arc at the end. Ugh. Isn't that dude a Star Trek? Is a note I have. He sure is. And I have so many notes where just, his accent is insane.

Yeah. It's that thing you've been talking about when you go like this. He is really doing that at John Cusack, Yeah, it's that thing you've been talking about when you go like this. He is really doing that at John Cusack because they are very different people. John Cusack is the best of the best, the smartest of the smart. Real smart, real smart, but he's a book boy. Yeah, for the FBI, I guess. TBD.

Because Malloy is DEA. Right. Who's sending one of his agents on the aeroplane. Right, posing as a prisoner. Yes. And John Cusack was like, no, nobody brings any weapons on board. He's like, nobody brings any weapons on board,

but there is a cache of weapons on board. Yeah, they're keeping them below deck. What? Yeah, in the basement of the plane. Why are they transporting weapons along with dangerous criminals? To murder the criminals, I guess. Okay, John Cusack, maybe the basement of the plane. Why are they transporting weapons along with dangerous criminals? To murder the criminals, I guess. Okay, John Cusack, maybe you're not the smartest

of the smart book boys. And because we're transporting Billy Bedlam. Billy Bedlam, who is one of my favorite Exiles villains. Oh really? Yeah, he's in that episode where he's like kind of a necrophiliac. He's like a serial killer who becomes obsessed with death and he's always cutting their hair

and he cuts Scully's hair, I think. Okay, okay. Yeah, it's maybe season two, I wanna say. Yeah, he's great. I like the idea of kind of a necrophiliac. It's not like- I'm just like a second base kinda guy. Yeah, it's kind of, yeah, basically.

I don't think he wants to fuck them. I think he just wants to have them. Okay. Ving Rhames character. Diamond dog. Just sounds cool. Yes. Like he's a black nationalist terrorist.

And I was like, all right. They're like, he blew up an NRA convention and you're like, thank you for your service. He's absolutely right. And then we meet Cyrus the virus. Like I bet he wishes he had a better nickname. Yeah. Yeah. I will say this, John Malkovich to look at, not a tough dude,

no, but he carries himself in this movie like a tough dude. And I'm like, that's acting. He's very intimidating in this movie. Yeah. He's great. He does that intimidating in this movie. Yeah, he's great. He does that thing where you kind of push your head and neck out in front of you to just look more menacing. More menacing, or just more confident or something, yeah. They call him a poster child for the criminally insane.

All right. And then Dave Chappelle. I wish I could still laugh at Dave Chappelle's jokes, but it's just too far gone. Yeah. What a dumb, dumb. And then Dave Chappelle. I wish I could still laugh at Dave Chappelle's jokes, but it's just too far gone. Yeah. What a dumb, dumb. Such a bummer.

Such a bummer. You just can't like anything anymore. He's a pinball Parker. Pinball! Who wrote this movie? Bruckheimer. Who says Sweet bird of freedom? Is that a, is that a Nick Cage ism? I believe it is. I think it is.

You want a sweet bird of freedom? Sweet bird. I think it gets on the plane, sits down in a seat and goes, sweet bird of freedom. You can't even get your own row in the prison plane. It's like, why do you have to sit next to somebody? Well, he's sitting next to his best friend and his buddy, Babio. But then we've got, I think Danny Trejo is sitting next to the cop, maybe? Yeah, he's a cool character. I like him in this movie a lot. Danny Trejo is so likable in this movie.

Yeah, he's something 23 because of the 23 women that he's raped and has tattoos for on his arm. Yellow flowers. Yay. Love that. Yeah. Great look. If they knew how many I've actually done, I'd be Danny Trejo 300.

Yeah. Yay. Yay. Anyway, O'Brien puts the gun back in the prison guy's sock. Yeah, in the least stealthy way possible. He's like, I'll pat him down. Ah! Slips the gun in.

And the guy, the agent, is handcuffed and like, meant to be a prisoner at this point. This is happening in front of the other prisoners. So he can't even be like, no, no, no. Yeah. And then, Ving Rhames and, so the flight takes off, there's a long preamble of the security being like, you are on the blibbity blabbity

with the flim flam and the doo doo. Let's gag and bag this naughty muffin. And you're like, yeah, no, this guy here, the cop, he's definitely the good guy. Yeah. Imagine a film where no one is the good guy. Honestly, I don't even like the child and she does nothing.

Why, father, I'm but a child, sending you a message in the post. Through the pony express. My daughter's birthday is June 14th and I will be released from prison on that very same day. Is something wrong with him like in his brain? That letter is like it is June 14th. My daughter's birthday is June 14th. I will be released on June 14th. I will meet my daughter on June 14th. 1864? What the fuck are you doing? June 14th is our good friend Christina's birthday.

Oh, nice. Also, Flag Day. Double up. Also, Donald Trump's birthday. Oh. So we don't celebrate any of those things anymore? Sorry about you, Christina. Welcome to your new birthday, the 14th of July.

Oh, buddy. Oh, buddy. Oh, buddies. So Diamond Dog and Cyrus the Virus have snuck pins in their hand to open their hamcuffs. Yes. Wait, is Francisco San Francisco already on this flight? Or do we pick him up later? He's the guy that the DEA agent is there to like get information from. We pick him up. I believe we pick him up later? He's the guy that the DEA agent is there

to get information from. We pick him up, I believe we pick him up when we pick up Steve Buscebe. Okay, great. Yes. So they have these terrible fake skin on their palms where they put these things and you can see the square of fake skin.

Yeah, just pulling it out of a pouch. It's like a goddamn kangaroo. And Dave Chappelle starts puking some string up. First of all, can a straight pin unlock a handcuff of federal quality? Oh yeah. Okay, just needed to know. A hundred percent.

It's like adult mart fucking handcuffs. They just have a little safety on the back. adult mart fucking handcuffs. They just have a little safety on the back. And where did they get the accelerant that Dave Chappelle has swallowed? To set fire to the Native American man sitting next to him. Who he slurs up and down for 10 minutes. Oh yeah, something about, don't go all wounded knee on me.

Yeah. Calls him co-cheese, I believe. Yes he does. He just, yeah, sets fire to a man on the plane. And yeah. If you survive this, don't be angry with me. That's not a great joke. Not a good setup to a relationship. No. So Dave Chappelle then lets all these guys out of there. Cause some of them, the worst of the worst of the worst are in like special

cages above the seats. They get their own little boxes, which seems like a much nicer way to fly. But who would have might've, you know, who am I to say? And they're behind like Kachanka locks where you have to put down the Kachanka handle. Kachanka handle. And there's a lady cop who exists in this movie only to be a damsel in distress. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Where, well, and to be, yeah, constantly threatened of rape from Danny Trejo. Yeah, it's really nice. It's really fun. We, like, cut to the cockpit. And the pilot's like, what's going on back there? Hey, co-pilot, you go check it out. I just, what, don't send him to check out the fight

that's happening a bunch amongst the worst of the worst prisoners. Get the gun out of the glove box and go back there and see what's going on. I never did find out if you can fire a gun on a plane. I was always under the impression that you can't. You'll depressurize the cabin if it hits the wall of the plane.

They fire so many guns on this plane. Yeah, it's probably, well it's a cop plane, so it's probably covered in cop armor. Special cop business. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye, aye. So Dave Chappelle is unlocking everyone from their hand and foot cuffs, ankle cuffs, manacles.

Manacles. And he unlocks the DEA agent. Wow, that was, I really froze on that. DEA agent. DEA agent. The DJ agent. The drug enforcement agency agent. And the guy's like, oh God, oh no, oh no,

because he's handcuffed around his gun. This is so fucking stupid. And Dave Chappelle's like, who, with the what now? Yeah, so he's busted. Yeah, and then he holds Dave Chappelle hostage. And Cyrus is like, do you think I won't kill him? Do you think I give a shit about anybody? Which is good.

Again, Malkovich is like killing it in this movie. Because everybody's always kind of kissing his ass. Yeah. And he like sort of makes them believe that he cares for them when in reality he doesn't give a shit at all. Also imagine just referring to your friend as Diamond Dog. He's like, Diamond Dog, bring me this. Diamond Dog.

Great. Diamond Dog. Diamond Dog. Did you say diamond dog Phillips? Like Lou diamond dog Phillips? The first time I did. Yes. Also, oh, there's a diabetes subplot going on. It's like barely mentions, barely warrants a mention. Yeah. Baby has got to get his insulin because he's got to get his insulin.

So I'm like, oh, I'm going to get my insulin. I'm going to get my insulin. I'm going to get my insulin. I'm going to get my insulin. I'm going to get my insulin. I'm going to get my insulin. Iot going on. It like barely mentions, barely warrants a mention. Yeah, Baby O's gotta get his insulin because when they're doing the breakout, they break all the hypodermic needles for some reason. Yeah, all the insulin is in glass vials

and does not break. The needles, which are presumably plastic, smashed to smithereens. Yeah, and I was like, just fucking jam that glass thing into your fucking vein and see what happens. Yeah, it's better than a diabetic coma. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, so then they just kill the DEA agent

and then they have to land the plane. I guess, I don't know. I was starting to write about their interpersonal relationships. Like, you have so many convict friends, it's like a nice little community. I kinda of like it. How did they all talk to each other? I don't know. Cause are they coming off in the same prison? I don't know. Yeah. Well, Billy Bedlam and, um, Nicholas Gage are, right. They're in different cell blocks. Maybe they are

all coming from one perhaps. Yeah. But they call Francisco San Diego whose name I just could not get right at any point in this movie. I have no idea. Oh, let's see. I kept talk to texting it and it just kept coming up with different ideas for me. Francisco can Dino or Cindy. No, no, no, no. Sorry. Forgive me. Francisco's in Dino. They call him their employer. Right, cause he connected to him somehow. He's the head of a South American drug cartel.

Right. Just this amorphous thing. Right. This is where I wrote, I'm sorry, but there are too many actors in this movie. Well, don't worry Katie, cause when we land we're picking on more. Yeah, Steve Buscemi.

Is that Garland Green? Yeah, who is like such a non-role in this? Oh. Because they bring him out like he's Hannibal God damn Lector. Sure. And he is just like, cannot stop himself from killing an irredeemable monster.

He just kind of sits around and says things. He'd bring him on and he's got what I can only describe as an S&M mask. Sort of masochistic. Yeah, a little bit. It's not very, it's just like loosely, it's like a dog muzzle that doesn't fit on his face. But he's so baby faced when they take it off and it's like, I always forget about young Buscemi.

Like he actually was at some point. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of like he actually was at some point. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of like he's got a Peter Laurie thing going. I think it's like the droopy lids on his eyes. Yeah, could be. Yeah. He looks a bit like a basset hound.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Always like him. Like him when he shows up in things. Oh yeah. I think he makes everything better. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yep. So they pick him up and Francisco

and Dave Chappelle gets the transponder because swamp thing or whatever the guy who's gonna buy up the plane's name is. Yeah someone says to him it's amazing the shit you white trash know and I was like well can confirm. And the guy's just like yeah yeah yeah yeah. He's like yeah for sure. I was just talking to my therapist about riding in the back of pickup trucks while people had beer cans between their legs that were driving. I was like, yeah, yeah, we did that all the time.

She's like, what? I don't. Really? Where the fuck did you grow up, lady? She sounds rich. Every time we talk about her, she sounds rich. I just feel like rich people don't understand. They just don't get us. We need to find some WT therapist to go to. Yeah. Yes, if you say the initials, it's much better. It's less

offensive. I feel like I can say white trash because I grew up white trash. Oh, sure. I realize it's an offensive term. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm from NASCAR blood, but not the big leagues, just stock cars. Oh, they have to also do an exchange of prisoners because they're supposed to be dropping three people off. Three white guys, we're told. Just three whatever white guys. It just has to be white guys. Yeah. They're not going to check any sort of like, um, identifying

documents or anything. It's just any three white people will do. They all have those like medical bands with barcodes on them. Right. So they just put the barcodes on for whoever the three that were supposed to be dropped off are. And I was like, so you cut them off and now are they just taped onto the person? How did you do that? Did you sew it with your straight pin and a little bit of thread you've birthed up? So they,

so somehow the prisoners that were supposed to get off got killed. Right, right, right, right, right. Because there was like the random shooting, but it happened to hit all three of the people that needed to get off the plane. So who do they send off the plane? Because Nicolas Cage backs out. Right, because they won't let his black friend get off the plane.

Right. They send three cops off. OK. Dressed as prisoners with hoods on, because they say they've been acting up, so they can't see their faces. That's what it is. OK, I remember that now.

Yeah. That was kind of scary actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. And Nicholas Cage in an act of brilliance found the tape recorder that the DA agent had, which was like, I don't know, the size of a cigar box? Yes, one of these men is just shoved full of film. And he takes it and slips it into

one of the guards, or yeah, one of the prison guards is getting off the plane. Yeah. And that's how the cops figure out that something terrible has gone wrong. Yeah, John Cusack cracks the code and then lives through the explosion from the do not open box. So while all this is happening, right, they're in Cyrus's prison cell because they realize that he's had blueprints for an airplane hidden behind a concrete wall. How was he getting them? How was he getting them?

They literally have to bust a wall down to get to them. Yeah, how did he study them? That's like the New Texas Chainsaw Massacre where Jason Chetty, didn't we decide he had a chainsaw that he took out of the wall every five years? Gotta keep it oiled, gotta make sure it's gonna run. I'm gonna go check on the walls, chainsaw. I'll be back in a little bit.

So stupid. Yeah, these are all so stupid. Why is Carson City in the Dust Bowl? I don't know. Why do Carson city in the dust bowl? I don't know. Why do those people live at the airport? There's like they land and like everyone's dressed up like it's fucking dune. Oh, I'm thinking when they go to the airfield later

and somehow they're just like all these it's they're told it's in the middle of nowhere from anything. 39 miles from anywhere, but yet there's a little girl next door. Fuck you. Can I tell you something? Yes. I think I've learned in the over 400 episodes we've done of this show, movies are stupid.

I feel like this might be the end for me. Oh no. Like I saw Con Air and I was like, I'm done with this. No. What have we done? It's not that I want to'm done with this. No. What have we done? It's not that I want to be done with the podcast. I just want to be done with movies. We can do podcasts on every episode of Traces

for all I care. I recently, because it's spooky season, I've been trying to watch more horror movies. How do you, how, how could you watch more? I'm doing it. I rewatched the movie Haunt. Okay. Have you seen this film yet? Is, is you told, I think you told me about it. You rewatched the movie Haunt. Okay. Have you seen this film yet?

Is, is you told, I think you told me about it. You said it was really mean. I did, but I watched it again. I was like, Oh, we should probably do this on the podcast. Okay. I mean, we did that terrifier movie. That was a really mean movie. And it's not as mean as that.

Okay. But it does fit into our spookery because it's about a haunted house. Okay. Like a, an attraction haunted house. Should we do it for spooky month? Yeah, I think so. Put it on the list.

So I was like, all right, that was fun. That was Halloween. Maybe I'll watch another Halloween movie. Oh, Rob Zombie did that Halloween movie. I'll watch that. We did that one, right? No, this one's called 31. Oh, I thought you meant the Rob Zombie.

Oh, the Rob Zombie Halloween. No, he did a movie called 31. Okay. That takes place on Halloween. Okay. And he is at the bottom of his own barrel. Really? He drops the R word in the first five minutes.

Come on, this is a new movie? Yeah, but of course it's set in the 70s. Oh, yeah, but that doesn't get, oh, god damn it, Rob Zombie. He's got white people smoking pot doing Jamaican accents. Just, and then the first antagonist you meet, without white people smoking pot doing Jamaican accents. And then the first antagonist you meet, well the first antagonist you meet are people dressed up as people from like,

let them eat cake times. Who's that lady? Marie Antoinette? Marie Antoinette. They're dressed up like the French from that era. Pre-revolutionary French. I love that idea for a Halloween costume. For sure.

I love the idea of a huge Halloween costume. And then they're like, oh, this guy's going to kill you. And it's a little person with a Hitler mustache and a swastika painted on their chest. And they're just like, what are we doing here, Rob Zombie? What is this idea? What are we doing here? Oh my God. You're just like, I don't know, Nazi guy, I guess.

It's like writing your script based on what comes out of a box of alphabet cereal. I've got a Rob Zombie movie generator, but you're Rob Zombie. Yeah, I know. I just got to spin that and see what comes up. Rob Zombie just sitting on the toilet, like red marks on his knees from his elbows, resting on them, hitting the refresh button on the Rob Zombie script generator. Every third thing is little person Nazi. I don't know what's going on with it.

Oh, my wife is screaming, that'll do. Is she in that movie? Alan, just look at me like you poor stupid dummy. Does she walk out of a car grabbing her vagina? Well, yes, that's what came out of the generator. So that's what we're doing. Oh my God, Robert. You should really build a Rob Zombie movie generator.

It can't be that hard. It can't be that hard. It can't be that hard. All right, I'll think about it. But yeah, spooky time, watch spooky movies. But not that one. Don't watch that. One last thing about musical people making horror movies.

Where the fuck is that Glenn dancing movie? Where the fuck is it? Come on, Glenn. I'm serious though. You were supposed to send us a movie. No one ever even replied to my email. I still wanted your email to say what this email presupposes that they're all fucking vampires.

What this movie presupposes is that this movie has actually been recorded. It's got your saba in it though. I'm looking again just to see if there's any news about it. What's it called? Glenn Danzig. Glenn Danzig in the House of the Vampires. Vampire movie. Okay. Death Rider in the House of Vampires.. Vampire movie. Okay.

Death Rider in the House of Vampires. Movie release date, August 27th. That's just not true, is it? Where to watch? What year? 2021, according to this. Oh, okay. No, it's just not, there's no way to watch it.

Maybe no one's picked it up for distribution. How could that be? After the hit that was Veronica? Anal sex, my speciality. Speciality. Yeah, it is just not available anywhere. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did I just find a YouTube of it?

I'm sorry, you can cut that. I'm gonna watch this tomato soup ad first. That's just the movie. No, it's just a guy talking about it for an hour and 44 minutes. How are you gonna talk about it for an hour and 44 minutes that nobody has seen? It is speciality.

The more I say it, the less it's a word. Okay, go on. So, oh, so yeah, they find an explosive inside of the wall with the blueprints for the plane, and the explosive seems to be just two different types of Kool-Aid that each other explode. The box says do not open. He opens it. He opens it. And this is the first of the,

oh, John Cusack getting blown through or away from something. I like watching John Cusack do these things. But it was just like, he's gonna be the comic relief? Like, so weird. Well, I think Dave Chappelle is meant to be the comic relief, but he just deeply, deeply isn't. Even if you liked him still, I don't think you'd find him that funny in this movie.

No. And that's, I mean, I think that's primarily the shit that he's being like given to say. Yeah, he didn't write it. Yeah. This is no half-baked. No, I do love half-baked though. Sure, I love the Chappelle show.

Yeah. So, No, I do love half baked though. Sure. I love the Chappelle show. Yeah. So, um, there's something wrong with the landing. Oh, Dave Chappelle got left behind at the airport because he was trying to mack at some lady. Right. They take off without him. Yeah. But he, cause he took the transponder out of their plane.

Right. And he plants it into like a sightseeing tours plane. Right. And then does not come back in time to get for takeoff. And nobody cares. Nobody cares. Yeah. So there's something wrong with the landing gear. Yeah. And they have to go down and check the landing gear and Diamond Dog doesn't want to do it so he sends Po down there. Po being Nicholas Cage. Yes. Cameron Po. I want to just kick him.

I just want to kick him just once, just in the shin. You know that he was like, y'all know I love Edgar Allen Po, so if we could just make my last name Po, that'd be great. They were like, fine. Can I be Elvis Po with my two favorite things? No, listen, just no. You get one or the other. I also love the rapper Cam'ron.

Can I be Cam'ron Po? also love the rapper Cam'ron. Can I be Cam'ron? I love the rapper Cam'ron. So he goes out and he finds Pinball stuck in the landing gear. Yeah. And what does he do, Katie? Fucking hell. He writes the information about the plan in Sharpie on his shirt

and then pushes him out of the plane. With a, addressed to. Oh right, agent. Agent John Cusack. How did he know John Cusack's name? There was, oh, I think they were like briefly introduced when he was being loaded onto the plane. Okay.

Katie, if you start asking questions now. Okay, I won't, I won't. I mean, I will, but I don't expect you to answer them. This is a sweater that's held together by just being a pile of string on the floor. Right. If you try to stand up, your sweater is gone. The Emperor's new sweater. So, and John Cusack's like, we've got an ally on that plane. We never considered them hijacking it. And it's like, really? You never considered this possibility that they would hijack a plane full of

weapons. Like I get that it's a pre nine 11 world, but right. I'm always suspected of going to hijack plane. This is a post the 1980s where planes are being hijacked constantly. What was the year of this? 97. So he tells them that they're going to Leland Field. Was that it? It doesn't matter.

Lerner maybe? Yeah, Lerner, sure. Leland Lerner. Get me Vince Larkin. That's his name, Vince Larkin. Vince Larkin. Vince Larkin. That reminds me of my favorite local news correspondent.

Who's that? Larkin Page Jacobs. You? Larkin Page Jacobs. You like Larkin Page Jacobs? What a great name. Yeah. That's a really fun name to say. There was a local news person here in Pittsburgh who was running like an anti-bullying sort of campaign

but bullied the fuck out of my cousin, Celeste. No, no. Yeah, it's real shitty. Maybe they realized the error of their ways. Well, Celeste has yet to get an apology. No, well, get in touch, you person. Yeah, I also love this scene where John Malkovich calls Steve Buscemi a national treasure

and yells, love your work. And then I started thinking about like, you know how I'm always looking for a new thing for myself? Yeah. I think I'm gonna start doing a thing where when someone's nice to me, I'm gonna be like, love your work. Like someone's like, hey, you wanna be here?

And I'm gonna be like, yes, please, I love your work. Your national treasure. Yeah. I very much like this plan. Yeah. Oh, I have a note here that says, apparently Trisha Poe was in Saul. She was?

Yeah, she was some character in Saul. The first one? Yeah, yeah, the OG. Who can say? Not the second one. Or three through eight. Good Lord. What's the next one we're three through eight. Good Lord. What's the next one we're gonna do?

Katie. Alan. I can't right now. I can't do it right now. I didn't say right now. I didn't say it right now. I loved it when we were done. I was like, can we never do that again?

And you were like, no, we're doing eight. Can we though? Of course. Okay, thank you. You know I will do anything you ask me to do. That's so sad. I'm sorry. You should say no to me sometimes.

Why is that sad? Because no one should let. That's so sad. I'm sorry. You should say no to me sometimes. Why is that sad? Because no one should let me get away with the things I get away with. Stop it. It's such a low level letting you get away with things. It's not like you're like, hey, Alan, can I murder him? Like, yes, of course you can. Alan, I'm going to kick your dog. Is that all right? No. No. John Cusack is like, we got to get to Leland Lerner, which sounds like a great school for your kids.

Oh, Leland. Oh, a Leland Lerner alum. And it's probably where he went, because he's a book boy who's always quoting Dostoyevsky. Fucking Star Trek and the other guy, who I recognize from something. Yeah. He's like at some I recognize from something. Yeah. He's like at some sports movie or something.

Okay. And he was, they're both like, this fucking guy, listen, numbnuts, we're not doing that. We've got tomahawk helicopters and we're going to take down this family tourist plane. Right, right. So he has, and the one guy's like, I don't know any planes,

but you can get there in a fast car. Yeah. Check off's car. Check off's car. Check off's car. I also love that when Dave Chappelle falls from the sky with John Cusack's name written on his shirt, he lands on a car and causes sort of like an accident of epic proportions. And the guy driving the car is Scully's dad.

Scully's dad, yeah. There's a lot of good X-Files guys in here. Scully's dad slash the Air Force guy from Twin Peaks. Oh, right. Yep. Yeah. He always plays somebody's dad. Yeah.

He's a good dad guy. He's a good dad. Great dad guy. He also has a very weird, I can't even do his voice. Just a very weird voice. He's got very military bearing. He sounds like an astronaut. Yeah. I bet he's played an astronaut. Yeah.

Oh, for sure. That like Southern accent, but it's all of them have it, regardless of where they're from. Right. Right. He's like, I'm from New Hampshire. What? So, so Junkies that takes as kicker, the Corvette or whatever it is. Yeah, I don't know what a car is. And drives to meet the plane. Meanwhile, Billy Bedlam has confronted John, sorry, Nick Cage and is now reading his file because all their files are in the bottom of the plane.

They put them with the guns, not next to the guns, but near the guns. 1997. Yeah. We had floppy disks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a way to transport information. They've got emails. It is in a giant box. Yeah. 1997. Yeah. Man, I really do like that actor playing Billy Bedlam. He has such a menacing voice. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I feel like he should be in a fast and Furious movie. I hope he's been.

He's got. We've been seeing them all. We haven't. And so he's reading his file and he's taking the bunny rabbit out of the box. Why is, oh right, he has just purchased this bunny rabbit from the. Commissary. Commissary at the prison.

I could have gotten her a pack of smokes or this bunny rabbit. Yeah. What the fuck? Yo, people smokes or this bunny rabbit? What the fuck? Yo people are fucking that bunny rabbit in prison right? Oh yes. You're not going to give that to Casey. Casey. I can't even do it. Casey. Are you father? This is your daughter Casey. Casey. I'm writing it from I've got consumption. I'm writing it from I've got consumption. The scarlet fever has taken mother father. He says the classic line, put the bunny back in the box.

Put the bunny back in the box. Billy Bedlam does not put the bunny back in the box. Billy Bedlam does not put the bunny back in the box. Billy Bedlam bent not put the bunny back in the box. Billy Bedlam does not put the bunny back in the box. Billy Bedlam bent a broken... Bunny? Bunny in a belly of a beast. Bigger box.

Bigger box. Booyah. I guess B isn't a real tongue twister sound, is it? It's pretty easy to say. B is only a tongue twister when he's... Do it like that. He's only a tongue twister when he's like that. That's good. So they have a fight, but they're in the belly of the plane.

They can't stand up. They're crouch fighting. Crouch fight. It's the silliest thing. It's the least actiony thing. But the whole time they're fighting, there's just a guitar in the background going, whee, whee, whee, whee.

It's almost triumphant. I'm going, well, when you do, man, you're here. Almost triumphant, but it's, it's just like, you're walking past guitar center and laying into a guitar. You're like, I hope they buy that. At this point, I decided that a la Billy Bedlam, I want to be called Katie chaos, the chaos is spelled with a K.

Sure, sure. Thank you. I'm changing my last name from werewolf. I had to think about which of us was werewolf and which of us was ambulance. Who wins that fight? That would be Nick Cage. Yeah. Murders Billy Bedlam.

Yep, another murder under his belt. But this one's fine, I guess. He's not gonna get in any trouble for this one. Sure, sure. Well, yeah, doesn't get in any trouble for anything that's about to happen. No. 300 miles to apprehend mom, pop, fucking cattle.

So they've apprehended the, yeah. You can't tell me there's 35 prisoners on that plane. It's like called Uncle Bob Scenic Tours. But like, isn't there some sort of centralized, like you have to file a flight plan if you're gonna... So isn't there some sort of centralized like air traffic? So couldn't they tell that that transponder was on that plane? I guess they didn't even bother to check. Nope.

Okay. It isn't there, I don't know, a CB radio on that plane where you can call up and be like, Hey, just wondering you got 35 prisoners on there. Yeah. That's a good question. They were just so sure that it was. Yeah. They had to take him out of the sky. Right. At this point, the diabetic subplot seems to have devolved into baby Oh, just being in a quiet coma.

And there are just a lot of scenes of this, of just planes flying too, which is very boring to me. And like green screen flying. Yeah. Because the plane buzzes the tower, but you could tell the two things are obviously not in the same place. Right. And then, but the air traffic controller

is already dead when John Cusack drives as kicker there. Right. The plane almost has a head on collision. Right, with another plane. And the guy bails out. At which point we see that gas costs a dollar three. Thanks Joe Biden. I did this.

Also, why are there so many propane tanks that close to an airfield? Oh, you have to keep your propane near an airfield in case you need to fly it somewhere. Just say dumb shit as confidently as possible. I mean, I really for a second was like, well, wait, do we use propane and flying? No, of course we fucking don't. Are you going to make hot dogs on the plane if you don't use propane? That's true.

I mean, you don't want to get charcoal on your plane. Exactly. Then you just have to dump that out of the sky, a la Dave Matthews band landing in a bunch of people's boat. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. The plane has to hop and skip over another plane where the guy gets out, you cut him off,

and he's going to fucking beat your ass for doing it. And they have to ditch into just in front of the gas tank, this aforementioned propane gas tank. So stupid, it's a pile of propane tanks. Why? Why? Maybe they have like a hot air balloon section of the airfield, I guess. Oh, it's so dumb.

It's so fucking dumb. Meanwhile, okay, so the lady cop has been sort of tied up or handcuffed to something, and Nick Cage just keeps saving her over and over because he's such a good guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. has been sort of tied up or handcuffed to something. And Nick Cage just keeps saving her over and over because he's such a good guy. And so Baby O is going into diabetic coma and he tries, someone tries to move him

or Nicholas Cage tries to move him. She's like, don't move him. It's like a diabetic coma, diabetic shock, it's not a back injury. It's all takes place in the spine. I guess. Another thing where I was like, do I just not know how comas work?

I guess, yeah, I was, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. And at this point, also, Steve Yeshevi just wanders off the plane. Yeah. So you're like, great, great, the murder man's leaving. Right. What does he find when he goes for a little walkie walk?

He finds a little girl playing in her yard next to the airfield. He's just having a tea party at the bottom of a pool. Yeah. An empty swimming pool. Empty swimming pool. And like, what this movie and many movies presuppose is that little girls are always willing to talk

to large adult male strangers. Yeah. Yeah. My kid would freaking freak out and run away if a grown man she doesn't know comes up and starts talking to her in the backyard. Your kid needs, I don't know, roughly an hour to warm up to me. And she likes me. And she loves you. Yeah. She sees you, she gets nervous. Yeah. And then she's okay. Yeah. Yeah. But if just a psycho killer sees you, she gets nervous. Yeah. And then she's okay. Yeah. But if just a psycho killer, Keskusei, walked up to her while she's having a tea party.

She's gonna scream and run. She's gonna love it. She's gonna be like, do you want some tea? I just want to help you, Mr. Murder Man. And I just go into a movie, if you kill this little fucking girl, I'm gonna go back in time. Yeah.

And stop Conair from being me. if you kill this little fucking girl, I'm going to go back in time. And stop Conair from being made. So there's all this shit that happens. There's all these fight scenes and they're just like really shaky cammed and not sophisticated in any way. There's nothing impressive about them. Right. Your love, your newfound love of Hong Kong cinema, Kung Fu cinema has, has made you see what could be the possibilities. your love, your newfound love of Hong Kong cinema, kung fu cinema has, uh, has, uh, made you see what could be the possibilities. But I also feel like even in like, I don't know, a Stallone movie or something, you're going to see better fighting than this.

I think what you're saying is why the matrix was such a revelation to American audiences because it really brought that good kung-fu choreography to a fight scene. It wasn't just like dudes punching each other for a long time. But it's not even good punching. I don't watch people punch each other. It's not even good punching. It's like a half-assed gunfight and then some punching because Sinditos men are indeed at the airport even though we're led to believe that they're not. Oh right, the plan is for them to be dropped off

or drop themselves off I guess at this airfield. Right. And then Sindino's men are gonna pick all of them up and fly away with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When they get there they don't see Sindino's plane. Right, but he knows they're there. Why is he not gonna take all of them?

What's the point in leaving them? Would you take a plane full of murderers with you? If you're a murderer and they're your murder convict friends, it's their community. It's true, it's their community. Why would you make them angry at you? Because they're still going to be free, as far as anybody knows,

in the time of making this plan. So like, aren't they just gonna come after you and be mad at you? They're your employees. I don't know. It's true, it's true. We're also told that Francisco Francisco has fire bombed a senator's yacht

with two of his cousins on board. And they thought, why were your cousins on board the senator's yacht? Exactly. Think about that, won't you? And why did you kill them? Maybe they were turning state's evidence on him. I guess.

You know, like suddenly everything is exploding and there's just people walking around and I don't know. I did like the scene where the inmates all dragged the plane back out of the ditch that it's gone into. In all of this sort of madness that's happening, they finally decided to put a couple comedy beats in the movie. Oh my God.

Like there's a man hiding under a truck and Nicolas Cage is like, how old time or maybe just sit tight and hang in there and nothing will happen to you. And the guy goes, that's easy for you to say, you don't gotta take piss. And I was like, ha ha ha ha ha. When I think Malkovich is killing Sandino

for turning on him or something like that. And Sandino's like, but Sai, and he says, oh, Nara. I know. Why? Why? Aye, aye, hi. And then they have found the weapons at this point. Yeah. And then at this point, someone also says, what's that? And someone else goes, that's a rock.

And I was like, what is the comedy here? What is happening? What is the plan? Why is this funny? Where is this movie going? At this point, this movie is also challenging me to pay attention to it. Yeah, I'm fuzzy on this. Yeah.

Because there's more explosions. It's just like flammable gases, coal in the movie. Yeah. Oh, and when Nicholas Cage is talking to the guy under the truck, he's like, you got a med kit. And he finds a syringe to take back to Baby-O. He just really loves Baby-O. They're best buds. What did Baby-O do? Best buds. He swept up next to him back to Baby-O. He just really loves Baby-O. They're best buds.

What did Baby-O do? Best buds. He swept up next to him and enjoyed his snowballs. Yeah. Baby-O is at this point just uselessly crawling around on the floor of the plane talking shit. Because Danny Trejo, while everything is blowing up, is like, oh, this is my opportunity to go back inside

and sexually assault this cop. I need to sexually assault this cop or I will not have completed my character arc. And so baby was all like trying to crawl across the floor to stop him. But then luckily our savior shows back up. Nick Gage who beats the shit out of Danny Trejo. Gets him locked up in the handcuffs instead and says,

don't treat women like that. So good. So progressive. They say that chivalry is dead. I mean, really. In what world do you think Nick Cage wins a fight against David Trejo? Not even in his wildest dreams, truly. This movie.

This fucking movie. Cause the next thing that happens is that a car is being dragged behind the plane and flying away. Not a car. As kicker. As kicker. The license plate is A-Z-Z-K-I-K-R. Right.

It falls on the air traffic controller tower. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I just don't even know why. And then we see the child from the airfield, so we know that Steve Bichette may be gonna kill her. Thank you, movie. Resisted the urge to kill this child, I guess. Yeah, I guess.

Anybody's taken the Barbie doll or Ken doll from her. Right, maybe she gave it to him. Yeah, well yeah, I'm not saying there wasn't a, you know, wasn't an exchange of some sort. And then we hear to Sweet Home Alabama, which they were just fucking waiting to you. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Yeah. And I have notes like Cyrus kills Bubba.

Nah, he alive. Yeah, poor baby-o. Oh well, nevermind. Make a move and the bunny gets it? That's pretty funny actually. I have to wonder if that's, there's a, there's a run the jewels lyric about shooting a bunny.

Oh. And I have to wonder if it's a con air reference. I mean, it seems right. Yeah, if you're LP get in touch. Yeah, let us know. You're Patreons, right? All this work to get baby o's some insulin. It's wild.

It is. So the plane has taken back off at this point. Yeah, it has dragged the car behind it and the car hits the tower. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And so they're heading towards Los Angeles or Las Vegas. Yeah, I call it lost wages. Oh, do you?

Do you? That's really good. You're not a gambler. Me either. Katie. Alan a gambler. Me either. I don't like gambling. I don't have enough money to lose money. I just think it's silly. Yeah, no it doesn't.

Not the free money house, you know what I mean? I have friends who love it. Yeah. Who just love gambling and love playing poker. Yeah. I don't get poker. I mean, I don't know how to play genuinely. Yeah, for sure.

I'm like, I will play a crazy eight. Card games have numbers on them. Therefore I am weirded out by it. Mathaphobe. I will only play drinking card games. Yeah. So now they're gonna have to do a crash landing in Las Vegas.

On the strip, which I think is very funny. It's very funny. Because there's a little bit of like a conflict, there's been a lot of conflict between O'Brien, what's his name, Malloy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Star Trek. Star Trek, and John Cusack about shooting the plane down. Because John Cusack is saying, don't shoot it down.

Right. And O'Brien says like, shoot it down now before it gets over this like heavily populated area. Yeah, which makes some sense. Which makes a lot of sense, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean, there are people who have like acceptable losses is a thing that they would discuss.

Well, sure, cause it's better than hitting all these people who they eventually kill on the Las Vegas Strip. Oh my God. I mean, it hits the Hard Rock Cafe. I'm so glad we don't do a body count on here because it would be in the hundreds. I mean, planes are pretty big and a wing is sheared off. And sheared off and sent off into the word the fuck ever.

Yes, you're just like trying to walk down the street. Oh my God. So Bubba is still alive at this point after the crash. Baby O has survived a gunshot and a plane crash. Right, right, right. And Cyrus escapes from the bottom of the plane. Something with a child, he really hates the child. Oh, he really hates Nicholas Cage's child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and Baby O and the lady cop are walking out together from the plane. Yes, and we see that Gianni Trejo's arm is still handcuffed to the ceiling, but not the rest of his body. Yes. Which I like a lot.

Yeah, yeah, it was fun. But it's just like this woman serves literally no purpose in this movie except to be rape bait, and that's just a fucking bummer. Yeah. A real fucking bummer. Well, don't forget later on in the movie,

she kisses Nick Cage on the cheek for saving her. Like she wouldn't do a handshake. Like. It's so weird. So weird. There's, so Cyrus escapes on a fire truck being driven by a swamp thing. Yes, and you're like, no Nicola's Cage,

your part here is done. Go meet your child, Casey. Listen, I have to do what is right and American in the American way. Is this just like jerking it off to, is this just like jerking off to the army? Is that what this is about? 100%.

How have we gone this far and not talked about his luscious, luscious locks? Because they're so luscious from some angles and then in the front, not so much. They were just like, it's 1997. Billy Ray Cyrus is on the wane. Let's give him a last little boost by dressing Nicolas Cage exactly like him

in the Achey Breaky Heart video. Yes, he is wearing his Achey Breaky costume. He's also stacked in this movie. Oh yeah, this was during the period where Nicolas Cage was swole. He could like crack a walnut with his bicep. I can't remember the movie. There's a movie with him and the guy from NYPD Blue

that went on to- Dennis Kucinich? No, not Dennis, not Dennis Kucinich. He was a governor. What is that guy? He was the governor of Ohio. No, that's John Kucinich. The judge. Dennis Kucinich was from Rhode Island, maybe.

Okay. Brief presidential candidate. You're thinking of Dennis. Dennis Frantz. Yes, Dennis Frantz who has passed away. Shed this royal poil. Dennis Kucinich, why is that floating around in my head? I didn't remember what time I was supposed to be here today.

I don't know, Marion Barry, what's going on? Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Jimmy Smits. No, the red haired one. Dennis Franz. The one who like, he's on CSI Miami and he puts his sunglasses on. Oh, he was in Without warning, wasn't he?

Was he? I think he was. Yeah, I don't remember his name. Anyway, there's a movie with him and Nick Cage and at one point Nick Cage is doing, he's bench pressing a woman. It's a fucking wild, dumb movie. I can't remember what it is.

I couldn't bench press a very small woman. Sure. But he was just like, it's a swole Nicholas Cage. Yeah. It's a very, very weird time to be alive. All of the time. All of the time. Every time has been a weird time to be alive. When's that Nicholas Cage Dracula movie coming out?

What? I forgot all about it. That he's playing Dracula in the movie? Yes, I just remembered seeing the like, still, oh my God, yes. Maybe he's in the dancing movie. So anyway, Cyrus is on a fire truck and they have to chase him down on cop motorcycles. Yes, it's just a chase of emergency service vehicles.

And then there are two cops that are parked on the side of the road that go to chase them. And you know they're cops that are chasing because they drop a doughnut on the ground. Yes, they do. And he gets the hose off the fire truck and starts spraying people with it. And it's like, don't you have to hook that up to water?

Is it just a fire truck filled with water? They have a reserve of water in them so that they can use that while they're hooking the hose up to the fire hydrant, which I learned when I took a tour of a fire truck about a month or two ago. That's awesome. Did you bring Lucy?

Yeah. Or was it just a Katie Day out? My cousin-in-law's brother is a firefighter over in Manchester. So we went and sat on the fire truck. It was very fun. Well, that sounds awesome. Fire trucks. So yes, they do actually have a well of water in them. That would work. Well, there you go. I have learned something today. I think I can go for like 10 minutes maybe with. Oh wow. That's a lot of water. Five minutes, maybe two minutes. It could be some number of minutes. with programs out. Maybe five minutes, maybe two minutes.

It could be some number of minutes. See, he shouldn't be able with water. And then Nick Cage attacks him with some wood or something after he jumps off a motorcycle. He stabs him in the ankle with like a wooden stake, like a true Dracula. Don't forget he has also stabbed or he's killed Ving Rhames with a motorcycle.

Oh yeah. Ving Rhames live. He's got work to do still. Are we bad people rooting for the terrorist? I don't think so. Okay good. Yeah they're like fighting on top of the fire truck. Yeah.

You ain't getting near my daughter. Was he going to get near his daughter? He wanted to kill his daughter. Yeah but he was running away on a fire truck then. Yeah I know. Yeah. You ain't getting near my daughter. Was he going to get near his daughter? He wanted to kill his daughter. He was running away on a firetruck. Yeah. I know. Okay. I know. All right. So he handcuffs him to the ladder on the firetruck and then raises the ladder so that it smacks into a bridge or something. Yeah, he gets mushed by something and I didn't even know what it was. I don't know. And then the bunny is still around. Yeah. He's fishing the bunny out of like a sewer while money is pouring into the streets because a casino has exploded.

The casino has exploded. People are grabbing all this money. You're an ex-con now. Like you need a nest egg. So fucking grab that money. Leave the bunny. Do you think somebody was like, I told you casinos were made of money. Yeah.

And it's also just like your wife has been looking after this child for the last eight years. The least you can do is present her with a made of money. Yeah, and it's also just like, your wife has been looking after this child for the last eight years. The least you can do is present her with a lot of cash. Oh my God. Well, she is there because the cops have brought Trisha and the baby, Casey. Casey? Because John Cusack goes to see her or calls her in to visit. How is all of this happening?

Because he's like, he and Nicolas Cage become very emotionally invested with each other. And at the end they end up like hugging and kissing and saying they love each other and touching each other's dicks to their dicks. Just quietly bumping their pelvises into one another. You know, it couldn't happen quietly in this movie. There would be a tiny explosion every time

their dick hits it. So yeah, and the cop who's been the object of Danny Trejo's sexually assaulting this entire movie, walks up to Nicolas Cage and says, thank you, and gives him a kiss. And he hands his kid this trash bunny. The kid's like, I don't know about this. She's not, like, she's just meeting this man for the first time. She's also supposed to be eight years old,'s not like, she's just meeting this man for the first time.

She's also supposed to be eight years old and she looks like she's four. Yeah. Well, she, yeah, she's in second grade. So you're right. She's like eight, maybe nine, which means he's been in prison for nine years for manslaughter, for self-defense, defending himself and his wife. That just makes no sense to me. The prison system has failed him. It usually doesn't fail men like him. And what's the last thing we see in the movie? Steve Buscemi walking free.

I don't know if we're supposed to feel good or bad about it. Yep. Great. I don't know if I'm supposed to, oh, also at one point in the movie, John Falkovich definitely says, welcome to Con Air. Oh, he at one point in the movie, John Malkovich definitely says, welcome to Con Air. Oh, he sure does.

He really choose the scenery in this movie in a way that I find very enjoyable. I think he choose the scenery in everything he does and it's always fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's like him and John Lithgow are just like, Lithgow! Lithgow!

I cannot hear his name without saying it. I'm gonna go hard in the fucking paint and we're just gonna see what happens, guys, right? Yeah. I'm gonna give you a subtle take on this. Rung-rung-rung-rung-rung-rung! Anyway, this movie's trash. I normally don't like to, we don't rate the Patreon movies

and I normally don't like to say that I hated them, but oh my God! Like, I was surprised by how much I like action movies in doing this movie, but this is a line for me that I just, it's just too stupid. It's of an ilk of action movies. Yeah, it's too stupid and also not stupid enough by half because it's not like Fast and the Furious stupid

where they're doing like crazy insane creative stuff. It's just like totally beyond the pale. This is boringly stupid. It's boringly stupid, yeah. Which is a bummer. Yeah. I was looking forward to it. Step your game up.

Nicholas Cage doesn't really have like a freak out moment, which you're like always hoping for. I think this is pre freak out. So I don't think the freak outs had started yet. I'm trying to think of, I mean, he was still doing like a leaving Las Vegas at this point in time. Yeah, great movie.

Yeah, heartbreaker. Heartbreaker. Never need to see it again. No. Valley Girl was the movie I was trying to think of earlier. Oh, Valley Girl, there you go. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

We got there in the end. Yeah, this movie sucks. I hope to never see it again. Yeah, I'm never going to watch it again. It was fun to talk about though. For sure. There's just too many people. They needed to pair down the bad guys.

It's too long. There's too many people. It's a very simple plot. Like they're gonna hijack the plane. They're gonna land it here, meet up with another plane and fly away. But it feels convoluted in a way that is frustrating for a person who should be able to figure out

the plot of a movie. It's also like those, like a Schwarzenegger or like a later Stallone movie where like this guy is the bad guy, but he's also the good guy. So just, you have to be stoked about him because he's really good, because he does nice things for women sometimes.

I mean, but Nichols Cage really isn't a bad guy. I mean, he did kill a man, but also I don't blame him for that. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah, just blech. Yeah, I think it's just, it's this like American badass archetype

that it just no one likes. Especially military. Yeah. Yeah. Give me a John Wick all day. I still gotta see a John Wick. Maybe we'll do one on our action movie podcast at some point. No one suggested one, so.

How long are we going to do the World Cup of Movies? Until we're done. Until we're done. Until we decide to stop. All right. So thank you for picking this movie. Yeah, sure. Thanks for listening to this. Yeah, thanks for listening to this for sure. And thank you for picking this movie. Yeah, sure. Thanks for listening to this.

Yeah, thanks for listening to this for sure. And thank you for your support because we really, really, really, really appreciate you. 1000%. Yeah, you guys are great. And I've come up with a new ending for this show since I can't do the Ric Flair woos. I thought eventually you would get it, but okay.

Yeah, I just, ooh, it's just not there. So Katie, I would like ooh. Fuck it, we're out. It's not there. We're done. So Katie, I would like to invite you and our listeners to put the bunny back in the box. Maybe we can do a thing where I go like, what's in the box? Put the bunny back in the box. Yeah, we'll work on it, but I like it.

We're gonna work on that for a while since we can't still figure out how to end this fucking show. Yeah, it's hard when you don't rain it. It just feels like it never winds up, you know? We're gonna work on that for a while since we can't still figure out how to end this fucking show. Yeah. It's hard when you don't rate it. It just feels like it never winds up, you know? Yeah, we're just gonna keep going forever. For nothing to plug.

And ever and ever. Yeah, you guys know what we plug. And ever and ever. And ever. We really don't plug much of anything because we don't run ads. And ever and ever. And ever. Thanks, Manscape, for getting in touch.

And ever. I'm gonna go home and ever, and ever. Thanks, Manscape, for getting in touch, and ever. Woo. I'm gonna go home and cook my family dinner from HelloFresh. Oh, I'm gonna go cook my family from Casper mattresses. I'm gonna go home and cook my family and eat them because I'm Steve Buscemi. So can we be done with Jeffrey Dahmer movies? Yeah, yeah. True kid. For crime. You've Buscemi. Also, can we be done with Jeffrey Dahmer movies? Yeah.

Yeah. True kid. For crime. I mean, you guys have gone too far. I was in on it maybe five years ago, if you recall. I just can't anymore. I just, we're done. We move.

We know. Come on. We know. We know. Bye. Just do your final line again. Put the bunny in the, oh, put the bunny in the box. again. Put the bunny in the... Oh, put the bunny in the box.

Okay. Put the bunny in the box. Put the bunny in the box. I'm stopping it. Put the bunny in the box. Okay. It's hot. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!