Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - From the Patreon Files: Masters of the Universe (1987)

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

Guys, this last month has not been kind to us. This week it's my fault that we didn't record because I had both Covid and RSV...listen, I am nothing if not an overachiever. 0/10 do not recommend. To hold you over until the "Death Becomes Her" episode drops, we're releasing an episode from the Patreon files: the 1987 Dolph Lundgren/Courteney Cox masterpiece "Masters of the Universe." Thank you all for understanding and we'll see you next week.

Hi, Katie! Oh, hey, Alan. How are you doing? You seem extra jovial today. No, I lost my mind. Why? When I was a child, one of my favorite things in the world was rushing home from school so I could be in front of the television and watch TV.

I was like, oh, I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host.

I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host.

I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm going to be a TV host. I'm When I was a child, one of my favorite things in the world was rushing home from school so I could be in front of the television set by 3 30. Yeah. So I could watch He-Man. Yeah. And then the cartoon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He-Man, Thundercats. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe some G.I. Joe Thurn in there and Transformers at some point. You know, you're going to get into those. Yeah. I'm going to get into everything that wanted to sell me a toy. Yeah. And then you're going to ask your mom're gonna get into those. Yeah, I'm gonna get into everything that wanted to sell me a toy. Yeah, and then you're gonna ask your mom to buy you these toys.

Yeah. And they were like, well, we can't give you real love, so here's things. You know what? We do the real deep dive shit for our Patrons where we just tell about our parents abused and neglected us. I started doing my own laundry when I was six.

I had a little steppy stool so I could get the stuff out of the washer and put it in the dryer. I had every toy I wanted but no oversight. Am I going to cry? No, you absolutely are not. Well, by the time the Masters of the Universe film came out in 1987. Yeah. I'm a sweet sweet 13 years old. I was three.

I'm smoking cigarettes. Yeah, you are. I'm using the toilet. Look at me. I'm drinking. Oh baby. My friends and I are stealing booze from our parents to go drink in the woods. Sure.

And then play on the train tracks. Oh God. The fucking 1980s man. It was a different time. Well, a lawless era. It will be looked back on as the high point of Birkin culture. I mean, if this movie's any indication.

If this movie's any indication. So by the time this movie came out, zero interest in going to see a He-Man movie. It's kid shit. It's kid shit. It's kid shit. Yeah. Written by K'Kane. Written by K'Kane.

And directed by a man who sexually assaulted a bunch of people. Is that true? Gary Goddard. I was like, why do I know this name? What else did he make? And then I looked him up and he was wrapped up in those sexual assault allegations with Brian Singer.

They were collaborators. That piece of shit. Yeah. collaborators. That piece of shit. Yeah. So, real piece of shit. Speaking of pieces of shit. Yeah. There's, you know, like this time of year, you're always gonna like, Chudder has a new like,

like greatest moments in horror thing. And I'm like, I'm gonna watch every, you could make the same show every year. And I'd be like, yeah, I'll fucking watch that. Sure. Let's see what's going on. And every year they're like, Jeepers Creepers, right? You guys like Jeepers Creepers? And I'm like, no,

that movie is directed by a kid convicted pedophile. Wait, was that directed by the same guy who did the clown house movie? He's the same guy who did, um, powder. Yeah. And the clown house. Yeah. Yeah. He abused the kid from clown house. Yeah. Like Edward James, almost his kid also was somehow involved in that. Oh, really? And or like stepchild or something. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Loose information. But. Fuck those movies.

Yeah, there's plenty of other horror movies. I don't need to Jeeper Creeper. No, I don't. I've never seen Jeepers Creepers. And I'm not going to Justin Long and a ped No, I've never seen Jeepers creepers and I'm not gonna. Justin Long and a pedophile sign me up. Hold on a second. We gotta stop with the abusing children right now. We gotta just roll around in the glory of masters

of the universe. It's true. Cause I'm going to cry. I just told Alan that I'm in like hour 15 of my day and I will cry. Katie. Alan. Before we get into this,

I would like to do a little game with you. I would love that. How familiar are you with the Masters of the Universe, ooover? Very, very slightly. Okay. So this will be great. So you know that they have a bunch of characters

in Masters of the Universe. Yeah, they parade a number of them in front of us in this film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, some of them never actually involved in anything that went on in Masters of the Universe. Oh really, there are characters in this movie that aren't in the cartoon or toy universe? Crack or crag or creepy.

I thought it had to have been a child in that costume, right? Something is weird there, go on. But we get characters like, oh, he's a he and a man. What would we name him? Well, we're gonna call him He-Man. Okay, and then we've got this guy that's like ready to fight and he's like a man. We're gonna call him Man-At-Arms.

Man-At-Arms. Yeah. Right, and then there's like a beast, but that's also a man. We're going to call him man at arms. Man at arms. Right, and then there's like a beast, but that's also a man and we're going to call him. MSA Beastman? We're going to call him Beastman. Okay, okay. So, and you know, there's a man who has a skull for a head and we're going to call him.

Frank Langella. Yes. I love Frank Langella. I would have fucked Skeletor in this movie. So let me pull up a thing. I'm gonna pull up He-Man toys. And I'm gonna give you the attributes of these characters and you're gonna tell me what their name is.

If I was to say there's a character in Masters of the Universe. Yeah. This is going to be a softball. Okay. He's an anthropomorphic skunk. Oh, I remember this toy. He smelled bad. Stink man, right? No, so close. Stinky Pete. Stink whore. Stink whore. I remember the toy smelled like a skunk and just being like, this is just weed. This Oh, so close. Stinky Pete. Stink-or. Stink-or. I remember the toy smelled like a skunk and just being like, this is just weed. This was, that's a child. Yeah.

Oh, this is all stems and seeds, man. I don't wanna play with this thing. Oh, it's skunk weed. It's dart weed. Katie. Alan. There's an evil robot duplicate of He-Man. What would you name him? He-Bot.

Faker. No, he-Bot's so much better and that was my first pass and I'm two drinks in. Katie. Alan. This man is a fish man. What would you name him? Fish man?

Close. Gill-Man. No. No, that's done, that's taken, that's copywritten. What would you call a part woman, part fish? A mermaid. Oh, he's merman. He's merman.

Oh, fuck. I want to- Just no effort. I want a job that is just first pass on everything. My god, we'd be so good at it though. We would genuinely be good at it because we've been doing a first pass for 10 years now. Katie. I humanoid it covered in spikes. Spike boy. Oh, so close. Spike man? Spike teen. Think, think he's an evil. He's an evil man

covered in spikes. Spike guy. Spike whore. Spike bro. Oh right, they all end in or, that's right. Katie. Allen. Man with a giant right hand clenched in a fist. I genuinely don't know. Fisto.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Fisto! Katie. Allen. Ha ha ha ha! I'm losing my patience. It's a man who has a lot of faces. Man of many faces. Many faces. Many faces, many finer faces.

Katie. Alan, can this be the last one? No. It's a man who has a mechanical neck. Oh, mech-a-neck. Yeah. Yeah, I remember mech-a-neck. Mech-a-neck. All right, here's your last one.

That's catchy though. It's an evil warrior strategist with two heads that constantly argue amongst themselves. Janus. Too bad. No. What the fuck, man? How is no one paying us? I guess these people who are listening to this are paying us.

Never mind. That's a bummer. I'm sorry guys. Oh He-man the He-man universe like no respect for children Unlike this movie which was a challenging film to watch. Did you think so? So did you what where did you watch this movie? Oh, it was only available on tubby as far as I could tell It was on peacock actually. Oh was it so I watched on tubby as far as I could tell. It was on Pococke actually. Oh, was it?

So I watched on Pococke, but the subtitles were insane. They were like massive and had the huge opaque background and you couldn't change it. So I had to raw dog this movie, which meant I paid less attention to it. Oh no. But also I watched it with Perry, so it was fun. Ah, he's a good dude.

Great dude. Good dude. Hell of an intro too, rainbow fucking lights everywhere. I'm in, Perry, so it was fun. Ah, he's a good dude. Great dude. Good dude. Hell of an intro too, rainbow fucking lights everywhere. I'm in, I love a rainbow fucking light. I love that this movie ran out of budget part way through filming the movie. Oh yeah. And it's every not paid cent is on the screen.

You can absolutely tell when they realized that they opened like the box of money and a moth flew out, you know? It was like Red Man's dollar box. Yes. If you all watch Red Man's Cribs, look it up on YouTube. Right this second. You know, if you need to run down the street to get a soda, it's a dollar box.

So excited that this movie has Billy Barty in it. This is Gwildor. Gwildor, yes. One of my favorite little people actors. I was going to pretend I didn't know Gwildor's name, but then they say it a thousand fucking times because they say every time someone says a line in this movie, it includes a character's name. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

I love that there's a character named Evelyn and we just call her Evelyn. Yeah, that was her name. I know. Oh my God, it's Meg Foster from They Live. It is Meg Foster from They Live and from Cagney and Lacey as I found out. Oh, okay, you say so. This movie opens with an explosion which you like in an action movie.

As every movie should. And then there's a bunch of like storms. Darth Vader's. Darth Vader's right? Even I know that. This movie apparently was building itself as the Star Wars of the 80s. Even though Star Wars movies were still coming out in the 80s. Were they? When did that last one come out? 83. Oh, dang. Well, not the Return of the Jedi came out in 83. That's what I meant.

Obviously. Yeah, yeah. Obviously. Obviously. We are in the bad guy lair. Formerly the good guy lair. Now been taken over by Skeletor. Fucking Frank Langella, who I will say is giving this movie his all. He's on a ton of cocaine and he's emoting through

that shitty prosthetic as best he can. I have two thoughts about, or two things to say about Frank Langella. Would. In this movie. Of course, only in the makeup. So maybe three things to say? Maybe three things to say? A, he did this movie because his son

was like four years old and super into He-Man and Skeletor was his favorite character That fucking rules. It does rule Can I have Franklin Jell's baby? No, I can't no, I'm too old Probably two eggs are dead, man You were leaving that in You could still frag Bangela. Just don't worry about getting knocked up.

Exactly. Katie, second thing. Skeletor looks like a cake fail. He sure does. He looks like he's made of fucking buttercream. That's been left out. Oh yeah. It has separated, yeah. And he's being a real dick, he's a bad guy, but like he's got Evelyn doing his bidding and just being super misogynistic,

and I just thought like, God, you don't have to put up with this misogyny, it can't all be his, Eternia cannot all be his. She is just like a good worker, you know? She's just here to, like, she's putting in a shift. No, I don't think so. He's like sucking off the essence of some lady, the sorceress. The sorceress?

I don't remember the sorceress, do you? No, she's not canonical, I don't think. Okay, okay. But he's like doing a weird sex thing to her too. He really is. Like, can he just not help himself? Is that who Frank Langella is? Frank Langella fucks. We alllla is? Frank Langella fucks.

We all know this. Frank Langella fucks. Dracula fucks. Skeletor fucks. Yeah. Of course, Skeletor fucks. So in order to get his message across, he does a FaceTime with the whole world, which I liked quite a bit.

Which is just a close-up on the cake fail. And I was like, did you think this one through? I mean, I think in a non- think this went through? It's fine. I mean, I think in a non-digital world, it probably looked better. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Like on VHS on your shitty ass tube television.

Absolutely. With the brightness turned down because it's six o'clock in the Saturday morning and your parents are like, just fucking be quiet. So He-Man shows up. Dolph fucking Lundgren. Dolph fuckin' Lundgren. Dolph phonetic Lundgren. Okay, were his lines dubbed?

No. So he is actually saying those lines. So they were going to dub them, but they ran out of money to dub. I think he went back in and did ADR. Okay, I was gonna say, because sometimes it's clearly not a match, yeah. But it's not like they originally wanted

to pay another actor. You mean like someone who spoke English. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just have a note that says laser beans, because that makes me laugh.

Laser beans is funny. Laser beans. Laser's very funny. Yeah, it's very funny. So this is just, first, gray skull is just an ocean nightmare. You can work in this environment. It's just the open floor pan plan that leads to hell. Yeah. I mean, I don't, I think you should put up railings if you're going to have a pit to hell.

Exactly. But also why does Castle Gray skull have a pit to hell? Isn't it? He man's house. Why would he need that? I don't know. Okay. He's like this pizza socks and just throws it in the pit to hell. That would be dope. Yeah, that would be. I'm done with these dishes. Whee!

The dishes are done, man. So we meet, then we meet Man-at-Arms and who I thought was She-Ra. No, it's Teela. Was Teela? Yes, Teela. I don't remember Teela. I remember She-Ra.

I had a bong in college named She-Ra. These are three things. Teela was like don't remember Teela, I remember She-Ra. I had a bong in college named She-Ra. These are three things. Tila was like, he manned Sidekick, and She-Ra was like some next level like shit. Okay, okay. Also, Man in Arms, why is he so old in this movie? I don't know, but he gives a really impassioned speech at the end where I was like, wow, you're acting.

You know how to fix something. You get in there and you fix it, Kevin. I wish I had written down why, but I just have a note that says Gwildor is a boomer. Gwildor sucks though. His cheek flaps are very weird. Everything he says, I'm just like, shut your fucking face. They've got to be so stinky and sweaty.

It's disgusting. So he's like, he's made a cosmic just like, shut your fucking face. They've gotta be so stinky and sweaty. It's disgusting. So he's like, he's made a cosmic key. Yeah, as you do. And Skeletor wants him killed so he can't make another one? Uh-huh. But he already has one? There it is too.

And Skeletor already has one? So why would he need a third? Well, he doesn't want a third. He didn't even know the second one existed. Skeletor thought he had the only key. I see. That explains some of the plot. Yeah. Iletor thought he had the only key. I see. That explains some of the plot. Yeah.

I mean, I was having a hard time. No subtitles. No subtitles. I'm a raw dog in this thing. And plus you're probably focusing on the fact that Tila is wearing a chastity belt for some inexplicable reason. Because she hangs out with her dad all the time.

She has a piece of metal going up her ass crack the entire fucking movie. I feel like she got the worst anal fissures from that. Exactly, just chafed cheeks for days. Yeah. So sad. We meet Karg. Already?

Oh yes, his prosthetics are good, I thought. Yeah, he looks like an old critter. Yeah, he does look like an old critter. I like Karg a lot. I think that Karg is played by a 12 year old though, because whenever Karg has to move, Karg is a he, I think Karg is a he. Sure.

Karg is a they. Yeah, they them Karg. They them Karg. Karg walks like a child walking like an adult. Yeah. So I think it's a child. Hey, I'm an adult. I'm going to work. I'll go to a briefcase full of oranges. I could go pay taxes. I'm going to be daddy for a day. Goodbye, mother. At this point, I paused the movie and a Jaeger Meister ad came up,

which I thought was odd. They know their audience. You watch it, he man, you want to get fucked up? Both answers are yes. Both answers are yes. Are you young enough not to have a memory of puking your brains out on Jaeger Meister? Oh, the feeling of the burn as it comes through your nostrils. I can't drink it anymore because as soon as I smelled them, like, Oh, I know what that, I know the other end of it.

Yep. You just get that right here, right below your chin. I have a note here that says everyone gives into Frank Langella at some point. I guess so. I guess so. I think that might be a thing that he says. You think he refers, Skel-Tor refers to himself as Frank Langella?

Frank Langella. But I have to give the movie credit for getting right into it. Like the key exists, He-Man's over here, Skeletor's over there, Skeletor's taken over Castle Grayskull, He-Man has to fight his way back, the key can call them to where they are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Will-Door's like gonna open a gate or something to get them all out of there. And I think it's Man-At-Arms who says everything comes to he who waits, and I was like, that's not the phrase. Maybe it is an attorney. Maybe.

Okay, so I watched this movie with Robin Perry who both kept getting really defensive about them being in another like galaxy. Cause every time I'd be like, oh, it's stupid. Like they keep talking about moonrise. And I was like, well, isn't the moon up a lot of the time? And like, how do you know what time moon rises? And like, they were very patiently explaining to me that like they live on another planet in another galaxy.

And I was like, both of you can suck it. Wow. There's not a bone in my body that would defend the writing of this movie. No, they were very, very sincere about it. Well, in their defense, if I was 13, they were probably like six when this movie came out. No, Perry's younger than me. Is he? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Just has a discerning taste. No, his palate is so sophisticated. So they got to bust up out. So they're making a portal to get out of gray skull before a Skeletor fucks them all up. Cause Skeletor says I must possess all or I possess nothing, which I thought was fucking fantastic.

Skeletor's a toddler. Go on. So he's, so they get Gwildor. Gwildor, and Gwildor like does this quick speech about like, I didn't know he was evil, he's got a face that's a skull, I don't know why I put two and two together. His name is Skeletor. You know that everyone's name who ends in or is a bad. Stinkor.

Oh no, he's Gwildor. Fuck, what if he had turned on them? This movie could not be that complicated. Yeah, but also there's no Gwild that becomes a Gwildor! Uh... Fuck, what if he had turned on them? This movie could not be that complicated. Yeah, but also, there's no Gwild that becomes a Gwildor. You're right. He can't be made of Gwild. Gwild... You won't, they. No. So yeah, he's like, I'm gonna get you guys out of here. I'm gonna make this portal.

And where do they fucking go, Katie? Merka. Merka. You know what's kind of crazy is being dressed like you're in a sword and sandal film, but carrying a laser gun. That feels nutso to me. Very 80s though. I guess.

There was a lot of those. I guess. Yeah, yeah. Because like in the future, after the apocalypse happens, we're gonna go back to sword and sandal times, but we'll still have laser beams. Then why would we go back to sword and sandal times? Because sword and sandal times, because the apocalypse.

Because all you want to do is wear fur underwear. I mean, I guess I could be convinced. Also speaking of fur underwear, Jesus fucking Christ, the ass on fucking Dolph Lundgren was insane. He looks insane tip to tail. He is crazy looking. His lips are fucking insane. If he looked like that now,

everyone would accuse him of getting a lip flip. Sure, yeah, yeah, real Kardashian style. Yes. He would also be accused of getting the BBL. The Brazilian Bell Lift. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cause his tuchus was banana times. I bet he can squat so much weight. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. And science at the same time. Who does science and weights? Yeah. Why would you do just leave the one behind? Yeah.

I don't care which one. So yes, they land in America and then they all split up and they try, they like sync their watches and they all try to say something in sync and they miss. They all say it at different times and then they all just walk away. There's no second takes this movie. Not a single. They were like, we got one take budget. This is a Sinatra times and then they all just walk away. There's no second takes this movie. We got one take budget. This is a Sinatra budget. And then we're out of here. That's it.

And they all say to each other, good journey. But you have to do the good journey we're doing with our fingers. Good journey. They all have to synchronize their watches and they all pull out a different instrument. Look, a watch is what you make it. Then we meet Courtney Cox, who's apparently moving to New Jersey, like on purpose. and they all pull out a different instrument to do it. Look, a watch is what you make it. Then we meet Courtney Cox, who's apparently moving to New Jersey, like on purpose. Why?

Courtney Cox, fucking dreamboat. Little tiny baby Courtney Cox. Fresh off the Dancing in the Dark video from Bruce Springsteen. Oh, that was before this? Yeah, that was like 84. Oh, dang. Wow, she would have been a baby.

Oh, Bruce Springsteen, you creep. She would have been a 17. I want to change my decision to hire a 17 year old. Yeah. Because I think she was 20 in this movie. Okay. Or maybe they have you, she was young. Stop defending Bruce Springsteen being a crate.

He's my boss. He wants to change his hair, close his face. She's breaking up with Kevin. Oh, Kevin. To move across the country because it's hard right now, but our folks would have wanted her to stay because they're dead. Yeah. And then Kevin shows up and it's like,

hey, that's Kevin, who am I about to dump? Whomst I'm about to dump. Yeah, he's like, what time's your flight? And she tells him and he goes, you can make my sound check. No, Kevin, no one wants to make your sound check. You could go into my band practice. It's at the high school. Yeah.

You don't have to do a sound check at the high school. Where's the rest of your band, Kevin? How are you going to do a sound check without the rest of your band, Kevin? It's just Kevin playing the drums. No, Kevin, you're not a drummer. Oh, you guys know how this, Kevin? How are you gonna do a sound check without the rest of your band, Kevin? Just Kevin playing the drums. No, Kevin, you're not a drummer. Oh, you guys know how this song goes? Doot, doot, doot, hold on.

Boom, tap, boom, tap, boom, tap. Hold on. Me-er-na-er-na-er. Take a little more me in the monitor. Just a little more me in the monitor. A little more Kevin Corrigan in the monitors. Kevin Corrigan. Ken-vin Corrigan.

Ken-vin. Ken-vin Corrigan. Corrigan. I like to go to the cemetery to say goodbye to my parents. You already did. This is insane. Oh my God. So then we cut back, so they've separated,

our group has separated, they've synchronized their devices and they've separated. So we get Tila stickingaking out a rib check. That was recently the employee of one Courtney Cox. And then while she's taking it out, she sees Gwildor is also staking this out. And so is her dad. So is her dad. Why did they all go to the rib joint?

Cause they love eating food. He sees they see she and her dad are hanging out together. They see a couple kissing in a car and he goes, I was doing that before you were even born. I hope so. Kissing? How did you make this baby? Well, an attorney. I mean, yeah, you would hope.

You would hope you kissed before your daughter's born. Mommy loves her daddy very much. They kiss. Goop juices and all that. The mommy loves the daddy very much. They kiss. Goop juices and all that. And then teal like it's made. So Gildor is chugging barbecue sauce. I almost puked. It's disgusting.

He's chugging it and dumping it down his fake fur beard and on his floppy cheeks. And I just felt so sorry for the actor because you know, he had to like hang out. They like scraped it out with a napkin, but you know what was in there for the rest of the movie. Billy Barty is a like,, should be on a mountain rush more of actors at this point.

He's been in so many films, and yet we have to watch him slop barbecue sauce down his face. At first I thought it was gravy, and I was like, okay, I'm with ya. But barbecue sauce is a bridge too far. I would rather have, oh no, I don't know which I'd rather have in my beard, honestly.

Oh, but just for chugging, I'm going gravy. Chugging, I'm going gravy. Mushroom gravy, though. Sure, delicious. So he steals some things, some meats. He's eating ribs. Yeah, yeah, and Teal's like, how do they put these little plastic things in here

to hold the food on? And her dad's like, it's fucking meat, you dipshit. Yeah, what do you dipshits eat? She's like, this used to be an animal. You are being ruled by a man with a skeleton face, recognize a bone. No meat on that face. No, it's true. This is where we learned that Kevin killed her parents by making her lie to them or something, at least in her mind. She wanted to go out and get blasted by Kevin. Yeah. Who doesn't want finger blasted? They're not married.

Sure. This is a PG movie. She's going to get a little finger blasted by Kevin. Yeah. But she's like, I got to go. He's a keyboard player. Yeah, of course. You're going to want to get those delicate fingers.

So dexterous. Articulated. You're going to want to think delicate fingies. So dexterous, articulate, we're just moving our fingers like as if we know how to finger a woman. Okay. That's too many fingers. No, Alan stop. So she lies to her parents about where she's gone and her parents parents are like, fine, we're gonna take the plane to Catalina then. What is your life, you fucking baby bitches? Can't even do this. I was like, I don't care that your rich parents are dead.

Yeah, shouldn't have been so rich. And then Courtney Cox finds the portal key right next to her parents' crate. Yes, it's in the cemetery and Kevin's like, oh, it's a synthesizer. And he starts jamming on it. I remember being a child and being like, what's a synthesizer? Why would a child know what a synthesizer is? Because you were super into New Wave music.

Yeah, no, I wasn't at three. You were like, oh, like the flock of seagulls. Yeah. A touch of new order. Gary Newman. Uh, yeah. Julie Courtney Cox is like, we need to turn this into the cemetery caretaker. Julie, are you fucking drunk? Cause that man is if you're a cemetery character, take her, You're drunk all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't you be? I don't know. I would, I would. That's why I wouldn't, I would.

Shoo. Oh boy, Howdy. This movie is just. So they take it back to the high school where Kevin's doing soundcheck alone. His band is called Illusions. As you do. As you do.

And they like play the key synthesizer and they're both like looking at nothing and reacting badly to it but we're seeing little rainbow lights and it's very funny. And they're like oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god there's a tiny light show in this thing. They don't find that unusual. It's 1987, I've never seen anything like this. I mean, it's 2024, I've never seen anything like that. That isn't fireworks. I bet you going, team-oo right now and order that thing. Oh.

So we assemble the mercenaries. The bad guys are assembling the mercenaries. Ay, ay, ay. Blade. Sirod, which I wrote as Sir-od, like S-I-R-R-O-D. I've never seen this man before in my life. It's S-A-U-R-O-D. Saurod?

Yeah, because he's like a sauropod, but a saurod. Wait, what's a sauropod? He's like a reptile. Got it. Is that what a sauropod is? Isn't that a dinosaur? Uh-oh. I'm not much for science, like Dolph Lundgren.

I wish he was a dino boy. Beast man. Beast man. Who looks so much like my uncle Victor. I can't take it. Who also cannot close or open his mouth. You know, neither can Gwildor. Whenever he laughs, it's just like, you're looking at a stoic face.

It's very upsetting. And then Karg. Who can, who can kind of emote. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. And I love them. I love them all. Like car has a really Dolly Parton vibe with a really big hairdo. He's always worried about Jolene taking his man. Yeah. Well, if I'm Jolene, I'm thinking I'm trying to help that man away from car. So Courtney goes home.

No, she's still at the gym of the school. Okay. Where, because Kevin takes the synthesizer to Charlie's music store. That's right. And he tells her that. She was like, I just want to stay around and they're like, say goodbye to this whole place.

Ew, no. Yeah, who doesn't want to hang out at their high school. High school's gross. She's like, I'm not going to be here for graduation. Why? You're moving to New Jersey. You can go whenever you want. Just graduate, I guess. And he's like, don't let anyone in except for Carl.

And then we see an old man wearing a varsity jacket with a C on it. And I was like, oh, that C is for Carl. I was joking. No, that's fucking Carl. It's Carl. Yeah. And the villains attack the gymnasium.

These villains cannot hunt down a teenage girl in a high school gymnasium, which makes me think very low of them. But also their modus operandi is walk in and break everything. We've got to do that first in case there's some coins you can pick up, you know. I just have a note that says these people are some real fucker uppers. They are fucker uppers, but beast man gets ammonia to the face, which sort of incapacitates him.

What was that ammonia doing on the side of the stage? It's part of illusions, illusions show. And so she runs out the door cause the high school is right next door to a junk yard. Of course. Yeah. Like you do. Yeah. That's where the shop classes. Yeah. Fair enough. I have Yeah. Yeah. Like you do. Yeah. That's where the shop classes. Yeah. Fair enough. I have to say I really like blade. Do you know? He's like, I can't wear scarves. Everything's so sharp. I'll cut them. I can't sit on your couch.

Why would they put knives on my butt? Truly? Why would they put knives on my butt? Would they put knives on his shoulders? Why would they put knives on my butt? Truly, why would they put knives on my butt? Why would they put knives on his shoulders? I don't know. Why would they put knives on his ears? In case you wanna just slice and dice. Plead. She runs into the junkyard and she meets He-Man.

Yeah. And he's like, it's all right, don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. And immediately she is peck deep in this man. She is peck deep and he picks her up and walks away with her because every man in this movie carries Courtney Cox like she's a fucking baby at some point. Yeah, like she's fucking Ariana Grande.

You love that so much. Karga saying not words. I don't know what Karga's saying. They're not words. It's fine. And he even gives Courtney Cox a gun. Sure, cause he's gonna go off and have sword fights with laser beans. Yeah, which he can deflect.

Oh yeah, he's He-Man. And this movie like very conveniently color codes the lasers so that we know who's a bad guy and who's shooting. That's totally an 80s thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From Star Wars to G.I. Joe, I think G I think GI Joe's lasers were blue and Cobras were red. That's exactly what this was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, but these laser pistols seem to hurt you not by like scorching you,

but by knocking you over backwards and hurting your bum. Yeah. They're booty, booty knockers, booty knockers. Oh wow. Mike, I want you to go on that. They're booty, booty knockers. Booty knockers. Oh wow. I just have a note that says sword fights and shit. Sword fights and shit. Yeah. There's a ton of sword fights and shit. Blade says to He-Man, I've waited a long time for this. And I thought, but why you just got called in today as a mercenary. Why do you have beef? Mercenaries by definition don't have beef. They were literally go where the money says. Yes.

And someone says something about a doorway to Eternia, which I just wrote is my new Prague band. Isn't that a great name for a Prague band? If only Prague were good. And you wanted to play it. I would love to hear your interpretation of Prague. Everything's done in 90, 90 seconds. Every song ends. Look, it doesn't need to be that long, guys. I wrote the song in 11, 12 times signature.

It's over in 90 seconds. Enjoy. Oh, man. But it's got the bass tone from 21st century schizoid man, so you're all going to be very happy about that. Everyone likes that. Yeah, yeah. So we cut to Kevin taking the device to Charlie.

Charlie looks like a dick. He looks like a dick and he's listening to Jimi Hendrix, which is like two strikes. Two strikes. And the third strike is the Doors poster that's on the wall at this music place. You hate classic rock. No, I just don't like the Doors.

I don't really like the Doors either. I don't like the Doors. My friend was in a Doors cover band called Stronger Than Dirt and they were very, very fun. Well, okay. That's all I want to say. Way better than the actual Doors.

Sure. Yeah. Because it didn't have Jim Morrison involved? Yeah, it had Shannon Norman instead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just something about that man that just really rubs me the wrong way. It's because you don't like Val Kilmer. It's true.

Mad Martigan can suck it. Suck it. Charlie is wearing a shirt that has a picture of like a clown that looks something like a combination of Beetlejuice and Pennywise, but I could not figure out for the life of me what it was. Was it a John Wayne Gacy t-shirt? No, it was nothing. I wasn't sure what was going on. Oh, yoy yoy.

They're playing with a synthesizer and Charlie's like D sharp. It's the perfect pitch. Is it? Well, it's because Kevin identified it because he has perfect pitch. Oh. Which will come back later. Oh, I mean, I have perfect pitch.

Do you? No. No. Every time I've ever. What is perfect pitch? Describe to me what perfect pitch is. You can hear a note and be like, oh, that's a C. Okay, wait, sing me a note.

That's a B flat. Exactly, every time I've ever met anyone who's like fucking claimed that they've had perfect pitch, that's what happens. Yeah. It's just like, hmm, oh, that's a Q. That was a C. No, you just did a C. Cause I know a

C. I know a middle C. Do you? That's a middle C. I think. Get your base tuner. I don't, I'm actually might be tone deaf. I feel like every time someone's told me they have perfect pitch, I'm waiting for them to tell me that they dug dinosaur bones up in their backyard. I love that, yeah. That's a great, that's like a so hard to disprove thing too though, because someone goes like, ma, and you're like, that's an E baby. And they're like, I don't know, you know? Oh, that's a major augmented L.

You really did it this time. L. So we, oh my God, we get this like shot of he, man and Julie sitting like criss cross applesauce facing each other. And he's like our only hope of defeating skeletaurs with that cosmic key. Like just this absolute batshit man who's inflated like a tire greased to the gills with baby oil wearing a cape undies and panties, specifically panties and like Tiva's. And she's like, yeah,

this all makes perfect sense. I'm with you. I'm going to New Jersey. I might fuck this dude before I leave. Look, Kevin's great and all, but I'm gonna fuck Dolph Lundgren before I go to New Jersey. This guy's called the pound town with Grace Jones. He's gotta know some shit. He knows his way around a pussy. This is the one people pay for. This is the show people pay for. He has backed that up to her black limousine.

Oh my God, yes. Back up to you by bumper. Bumper to bumper. This is also where we meet Lubick. He was wearing a leather duster, which is something. I feel like I've seen Lubick in a thousand things. A Brazilian thing. Yeah, he's just a tiny little bald man

who's got a surly attitude. Yeah. Yeah. And he's a police detective. Yeah. And he's at the high school, because the high school, as we mentioned earlier, got attacked.

And they set it on fire, because they said every, they love to set we mentioned earlier, got attacked. And they set it on fire because they said every, they love to set shit on fire, which I have to say I'm on board for. So the side of the stage for Illusions show was covered in streamers. Yeah. And the streamers went up, as streamers do, in a terrifyingly fast fashion.

Not fast fashion like clothes that you buy on the cheap. No. Karg is standing next to them. Yeah, he's got a lot of hairspray in that hair. He had a lot of hairspray in that faux fur outfit that he is. And I'm pretty sure the actor was like, uh, uh, uh. Uh.

You mean because it's a 12-year-old child. Mom, mom. It's a tooter here. You're going to be a star, Karg. So Kevin has to run back to the school and that's where he meets, what was it, Ludic? Lubick. Lubick. Yeah. And Lubick is like-

Lubick looks like a penis. Yeah? Just a penis in a trench coat. Just a penis wearing a leather trench coat. So Lubick is like asking Kevin reasonable, rational questions. Like a cop would. And Kevin's response is,

why aren't you doing things? Cause his girlfriend's missing. Yeah, where's my lady? Yeah. Fine, why aren't you finding her? Yeah. And Lubick is like, I'm trying. I'm going to arrest you right now. And also like, why is Lubick not have a partner or backup?

Well, he has a partner now because he has brought Kevin in on this. He's deputized Kevin. Yeah. Yeah. And all of Kevin's gear is fucked. Oh yeah. Totally fucked. Illusions has lost everything. The illusions is done for. Here I have a note that says he's talking to her like a pimp, which is something that Perry said, which is like that, when a male character had a female's character's face in his hands, it was like,

I'm gonna need you to hold it together for me, baby. Sorry, what? Why is that talking like a pimp? You know, like, you're gonna freak, maybe just cut that whole bit. He man has her Courtney Cox's head in his hands. That's it. Yeah. He's talking to her like a pimp. That's what Perry said.

So weird. I love him. Baby, I'm going to need you to hold it together for Eternia. You know how pimps are always giving people rousing speeches. It made perfect sense when Perry said it. I was like, he is. He is talking to her like a pimp. I'm gonna need you to give this guy a hand job for $35 for Eternia. $35,000? Go listen to The Clot, our God Awful Movies. Go listen to our God Awful Movies episode. It was fantastic.

So fun. Oh my God, they're so great. Great guys. Yeah, he's like, we need the key. You gotta tell me where the key is. Yeah. And she's like, should we fuck before we go find the key? Real quick, my boyfriend took it to Charlie's,

but he won't be back for like 15 minutes. So like, do you just wanna fuck? Just the tip. Just the fuck. Just to see how it feels. She's doing just the tip. She's doing just the tip. Just the tip. Just to see how it feels. Meanwhile, Kevin and Lubick go to the house

that Courtney Cox has apparently sold. Yes. They leave a light on to scare off the burglars, but there's a for sale slash sold sign in front of the house indicating that it's empty. So like what? Yep. What?

Also they walk in and Lubick just lights a cigarette just smoking in this house. Now Julie calls on the phone. She calls her empty house on the phone from a pay phone as you do. Kevin picks it up. Yeah. What if her parents had been there? They're dead. Oh, sorry. Well, in this moment they're dead. Oh my God. In this timeline, they're dead. Kevin picks it up. He's been nagging Lubick to find Julie. He finds Julie. He pretends he doesn't. Why is he hiding Julie from the cop?

Yes. Yes Okay Uh-huh. Uh-huh This is also cut with Gwildor has stolen a car like a 57 pink Cadillac Oh, yeah, he calls it a primitive land boat, which I think would be a great thrash band name And he's attached a bop it to it that no controls this Correct and somehow um Kevin has modded the key to add a strap to it to it that now controls this automobile. Correct. And somehow Kevin has modded the key to add a strap to it, like a keytar.

Yeah. Okay. He shows it to Lubick, who's just fucking punching it like a moron. Now hit that red button if you want it to work. Yeah. Mm-hmm. At this point, they start microwaving fried chicken.

I don't know why. But it's messing with the sensors At this point, they start microwaving fried chicken. I don't know why. But it's messing with the sensors that Blade's looking at to track the key. What? And then they're able to hone in on the microwave and blow the microwave up from a distance away so they can keep doing what they're doing. And I was like, but if you know where that is.

Then you know where the key is. Yeah, if you. Right? If you, this isn't attorney logic. I'm doing earth logic. I mean, they're on earth. Yeah, but they're still doing attorney logic. I guess you're right.

And in terms of earth logic, Lubick says, I'm gonna take this and put it on the computer and check it out. How are you gonna put this on the computer? What does that mean? You're gonna put it on the computer. It's a fucking device. Yeah. A 1987 like Tandy computer. Just going to lay this on top of it.

You're a mid to late middle aged man. You do not know how to use a computer in 1987. No, no. You have a girl who does that for you. And she's like four times smarter than you know, my God, If she sold this house, why is he in there fucking it up with Burger King wrappers? That's my question. Wasn't the sink full of Burger King wrappers? Why would it be? Someone purchased this.

This no longer belongs to Courtney Cox. I feel like all of this was like a cry for help because Courtney Cox has a severe drug addiction that we're just not addressing in this film. She'd actually never had parents. Like filling your sink with Burger King rappers is a cry for help if they've ever seen one. I mean, can you, what is bleaker than that? Filling your sink with Arby's rappers, I guess is bleaker. Yeah, or Taco Bell.

No. How dare I? How fucking dare you? Taco Bell's for eating on the toilet. Taco Bell's for eating near the toilet. Taco Bell's for eating near the toilet. I actually don't get diarrhea from Taco Bell. I'm a steel trap. No, no. I'm just saying you've gone out. You've come home. You've sat in the toilet just to make sure everything's okay.

You're eating your Taco Bell while that's happening. Do you genuinely eat on your toilet? No. Yeah, I bet you do. I never have in my life. Why don't you just cut out the middle man and throw it right into the toilet and flush? I used to have a roommate that ate out of the toilet all the time and smoked at the same time.

I would say, I have definitely smoked on the toilet. Oh sure. Yeah, I'm not heathen. I mean I'm fun. I party. So the monsters bust in. Kevin's no match for Beastman, of course he's not. Of course, and Evil Lin is with them now.

And they put like a BDSM type collar on him. Yeah. Did you find this kind of sexy? Sassy. Me either. Why? Because you could just get the truth out of Kevin. Yeah I don't want the truth out of Kevin.

I want Kevin to lie to me. And also the villain monsters are just walking around like reading newspaper headlines they can read. English. English. Here in our earth. And going, oh, hey, oh, look at this. I think we could use this.

And Courtney Cox has saved the newspaper headlines about her parents' death. Sure. Well, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want a scrapbook of your parents' death. They also keep referring to her as a native girl, which I thought was a little bit weird and racist. 1987.

Yeah. We were a little bit weird. Yeah, fair enough. There's just a tank parked on a suburban street. No one cares. No one does anything. A shitty looking floating tank. Yes, you just missed them.

They just flew away. I also feel like the deal on this house is going to go south after what they've done in there. Well, they've already sold it. It's fine. Well, you can't take these back. You can't return it. Return it. Oh my God. So now the heroes have shown up and Gwildor comes out wearing like the mom's clothing or Julie's clothing, but either way, why would it fit Gwildor? He's a tiny man. Yeah, they're not. But he's got to fit in with human races. I guess so. So with the truth of color, Kevin has revealed that the instrument is with Charles. Yes. Charlie. Charlie. No, Colin Bers. You're right, Charles.

Chaz. Chaz. Chaz Palminteri. So now Evelyn has to go and find that, right? In his store is downtown. It's a good thing no one hangs out downtown in this city because they are just marching in with their fucking tank. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like innocent blood. So, so empty. They just immediately start wrecking the music store. Oh my God. They trashed the whole place. Watch those Van Halen drums.

Just breaking guitars. Yeah. They're shooting lasers everywhere. And I don't, I mean, I don't know. I guess I just thought lasers would be like pretty accurate, I mean, I don't know. I guess I just thought lasers would be like pretty accurate. Like they use them for eyeball surgery. You know what I mean? Yeah, but they're not fighting lasers. It feels like a bigger laser would be even more likely to hit someone. You think? Oh man, once they get big, it's yeah, they get unwieldy. Just big. Alan. Laser. Can we also admit that you're not a science man? I'm not a science man.

I don't know fuck about shit. No, me neither. Most of what I know about lasers is from the film Real Genius starring Val Kilmer. Your favorite. You love Val Kilmer. Then Tila, one boy just turns to the kid, stares down the barrel of the camera and goes, woman at arms. Okay. All right. No one cares.

Teela. No fuck you. Teela shut the fuck up. You're not Teela tequila. I don't care. Remember Teela tequila. Was she a Nazi? Yeah. Juggalos threw a bunch of shit at her. Like literal human feces. Yeah. But they also did that to Andrew W. Yeah. Juggalos through a bunch of shit at her. Like literal human feces. Yeah, but they also did that to Andrew W.K.,

which really upset me, because he's a powerful force for positivity. It's true, it's true. And partying, which are my two favorite things. You love being positive and partying. I love partying. So who comes walking up through the dark downtown street? Whomst.

Julie's mom. Oh yeah, in the alleyway, yeah. And Julie's like, but the plane. And her mom's like, we had to disappear. We're doing very important, very secret work. And Julie's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that checks out. Thank you for reminding me why I have the note that just says, ah, the old mom fake out.

It's the old mom fake out, yeah. Because mom is trying to get her to get the cosmic key. And it works because Julie is drunk. She's got a problem. She's got a problem. And so then she gives her the key and hugs her. And then when she pulls away, who is it? It's Evelyn, like, obs.

And you have a note that says she was tricked, exclamation point, like I do? No, I wrote obs. Julie fucking more. Julie, you're so stupid. And so is the kind of person who chooses to move to New Jersey on purpose. It's a beautiful state, Katie. Where?

Southern New Jersey is beautiful. Where's that? Like you know where Philadelphia is? Just keep going. That's the ocean. Before that? Yeah. All that area before that? That's Camden. We'll pass that. Okay, none of it's good. You're telling me there's a slice of New Jersey. I mean, the ocean's nice, it's fine. Actually, it's not in New Jersey. Oh, shots fired, New Jersey. You know what? I will say, I rode an

incredible wooden roller coaster on the Wildwood boardrock this summer and I had a great time Wildwood a little bit too much Distance from the boardwalk to the fucking water. Why is that beach so big? I think there was like an earthquake or something at some point and they like lost a bunch of water No, that cannot possibly be really it didn't used to be that far away. Really? It's really far away. It's really far you like So far back. Oh, It's really far away. It's really far away. You like, you see camels. But the boardwalk is built so far back. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Yeah.

I fucked up there because they sell edibles legally. Oh yeah? And I bought some gummies. Okay. And I was like reading the instructions and it was like, break this into fifths if you're new to weed. And I was like, I'm not new to weed. I'll eat the whole thing.

And then the next morning I woke up and I was still very high and I was like, I got to go for a run. And I ran on the Wildwood boardwalk and I have no memory of it. I know I did it. I vaguely, I guess I shouldn't say I have no memory. I vaguely remember being there. Cut to film of you just laying down on the boardwalk. Just running my legs. to film of you just laying down on the boardwalk. Just running my legs. And saying, slice a boardwalk pizza, you're my best friend.

Fucking New Jersey, man. Things shouldn't be legal. Katie, you're acting like torchtums. Like what now? Torchtums. What's torchtums? I don't know, that's the thing that's said in this movie. Okay, what does it mean?

I don't know. Okay, great. Also, we should definitely be legal. It should just be better regulatededums? I don't know, it's the thing that's said in this movie. Okay, what does it mean? I don't know. Okay, great. Also, we should definitely be legal. It should just be better regulated so idiots like me don't get too high. When you try to put it in your mouth and there should be alarm, no? No.

No? Look, you know you're not a noob, but 100 milligrams of wheat is too many for you. You dumb bitch. So, Skeletor shows the fuck up. 500? How many did I eat? I hope not 500 milligrams. I was high for like a full 24 hours.

One million milligrams. That's why it's called a milligram. Skeletor shows up on an even bigger hover tank. Yes, he does. But not before Charlie gets out his gun. Oh, that's right. Which is a sawed-off shotgun. Charlie should not have a sawed-off shotgun. Charlie's a real one. Yeah. Don't fuck with Charlie. They're driving tanks up and down Main Street. There are no other cops, just Lubick. Yeah, he never calls. It takes him an hour to call for backup. Yeah. Um. Skeletor

arrives after the portal opens and then those surfers wearing the welding masks come out. Sure. Yeah. Cause it's very bright in there. Yeah. And then He-Man ends up on one of them surfboards. Yeah. And it looks like shit.

I want to cruise up and down Butler Street on a Saturday night in one of those. When he's zipping around and it looks like. It's just an army man. Flesh covered rag has been shaped into a human. And then swung. It's so good. around and it looks like a flesh-covered rag has been shaped into a human and then swung. It's so good. Oh my God. He snatches the key from Evelyn with a grappling hook

who looks like mild to moderately upset. Yeah. Not a lot of emotional range from Meg Foster in this film. No, I think she was probably, I think someone had something on her and she had to do this as a result. All of her facial expressions are just, how the fuck am I done?

Oh my God. What the fuck, what the actual fuck? I was in They Live. I cut my hair for this. Oh boy. The man at arms and his child have been apprehended by Skeletor and then Gwildor and the teens too.

Everybody but He-Man. Yeah. Because he's flying around on a hoverboard. And Julie's gotten some leg magic done to her. Her leg's all fucked up now. Oh, maybe. So she's got to be carried again. Someone refers to Earth as this primitive and tasteless planet and I was like, fuck yeah,

dude. I even know what this is. He- man tosses a bunch of dudes off. Sure. Cause he throws a bunch of guys to the ground. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. She has a gross fucking burn on her leg and they're all addressing Kevin about it. And then the poison is already in her blood, Kevin. She's going to die, Kevin. But it's okay because the key has been broken, but he's a musical savant.

So he has the melody down pat. Yeah. The perfect pitch comes back. Yeah. He's like, I was going to use this in a song later. And I was like, Oh, we've all ripped off the hook of someone else's song. So he hooks up a keyboard to some wires. And this is where man at arms does the rousing speech about like, if you know something, you're going to save you baby. And there's something about it. There's only one Kevin in this whole God forsaken world. I don't know.

I can't do this. If you could see the you that I see Kevin, you'd see yourself differently. Believe me. Believe me. Man at arms. So Skeletor is talking about how he needs to be reborn. I was totally blanked on all of this. And I was like, is he, I asked out loud, is he dead? And then was like, well, his head is a skull. So yes, I assume. I mean, he seems pretty corporeal. Did he used to be Fleshetor? Yeah, do you think Skeletor is just a nickname?

Ah. Or do you think his parents named him that? His real name is Cakefail. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. So they get the, Kevin does the bloopity blaps. They get back to the home world. They get back to Eternia.

Right. Kevin and, like, Skeletor's doing this thing to, he's sucking all the juice off this old lady. Yeah, the sorceress. Yes, because the moon has risen. And she looks old now. She's old now. And the actress's name is Christina Pickles,

which is all I need to say about them. That's a beautiful name. It's a fantastic name. Miss Pickles. Miss Pickles. Miss Pickles? So she, she's getting sucked off by Skeletor. Alan. And the gang shows up and they have showed up

in like a play set that's half the car and a wall and a park bench. Yep. Because Kevin's magic is too powerful. Right. And he managed to send his little undies at this point. He has lost his like chastity cape. Yeah, yeah, chastity cape.

It was like a little bit modest, you know? Now he's just wearing a pair of panties. Oh my God. How long till moonrise? I don't know. Who knows? Who can say? Who can say?

Yeah. Blade has a laser whip and Evil Lin is kinda getting hot about it. Oh yeah, Skeletor's also getting hot when he man's being whipped. He's always hot. Yeah. I can't just keep saying Kevin's name.

Lubick has to start killing people with his shotgun. Yeah, I guess. And Skeletor now has like this like grandiose, 15 horned golden helmet on that makes Franklin Jell-O not able to move. Yes, it is such an unwieldy headdress. Yeah. He's demanding the He-Man kneels.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Skeletor is great on the mic, to be fair. He cuts a great promo. Sure, yeah, much better than He-Man. Yeah, oh God, yeah. He-Man looks like he's crying. I didn't wanna be here.

The loneliness of good. Is it equal to the loneliness of evil? Is something that Skeletor says, and I was like, God, that's self-aware. You're doing this movie for your kid talk. Yeah, right? Yes, exactly, He-Man says to him, you promise not to hurt them, and he said, I lie.

He-Man's like throwing statues around because he's got to get his sword back. Yeah. And he gets his sword back and he drops He-Man's famous line. I have the power. I have the power. I wonder who told Dolph Lundgren that most of acting is just opening your mouth really

wide because that's really where he's going with this. His trainer was a shark. It was Lot-the-Moscuolo. Skeletor's now diminished. He says let this be our final battle and then the lighting goes real like EDM club. So this I read about, the reason the lighting is so shit is because there was nobody on set, but like a skeleton crew to film this

because the director paid out of pocket to film this scene because they'd run out of money. So they couldn't really light it. What? Also, Dolph Lundgren sucks at sword fighting. I don't know if you noticed that or not. I did, I did in fact. He's real terrible at it.

It's not his thing. He's better at punching. And machining guns. He does a lot of machine gun movies too. I guess so, yeah. Yeah. So Skeletor, like he beats Skeletor, Skeletor falls to his death at a very Star Wars death.

Yeah, it happens really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the sorceress is back. She's like, yeah, you did it. Apparently this was Mattel's fault because they didn't pay for their half of the production budget on time. Oh, pussies. Because they were losing money at the time.

Because 1987 and He-Man isn't the big shit that he once was. Yeah, I guess so. And we get this like sudden, like Lubick is staying because he's found this hot broad to have sex with. He's taking a bride? He's like, why would I go back? I got a lady.

What? I'm getting my Lubick dipped over here. Lubin is Lubick, little Lubick. It looks just like me, but it's in my pants. Someone gives Julia like a pendant says, keep this with you. An attorney will always be near. Why would she want to remember this fucking experience? It's not even a pendant, Katie.

What is it? It's like a fucking bouncing ball in a gold ring. Yeah, that's what it is, you're right. Then later, inexplicably, Kevin has to present her. Yes, why does Kevin have it? They all say good journey. Man at Arms says, live the journey for every doorway is a destination to another.

It's either Man at Arms or He-Man that says that, and I don't care because it's so fucking stupid when God closes a window. And Teela's like, remember I was in this movie? Don't say goodbye, say good journey, and do this series of dumb hand signals as well. Will you be my new dad or my boyfriend? Or both?

Or both. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Shh. So as Julie's being sucked off back to Earth. It was all a dream. And she yells, wait, send me back before.

Yeah. They do. Yeah. She wakes up wearing the most fucking modest nightgown a teenager has ever worn. She is unfuckable in this scene. Vaginas dried across the land. Truly. As this taffeta nightgown comes running down the steps.

Is there some final destination shit where she has to steal the keys to the plane, I think? So her parents can't get on the plane to kill themselves. The mom's acting is batshit. She's like, your dad is an excellent pilot and I'm a mad woman. This has to fuck with your head thinking your parents were dead for a while.

But luckily your boyfriend who you're staying with also knows that they were dead. Yes, you know this together. You remember? You remember. You may finger blast me. Boom, Kevin. And then someone yells, I have the power to the tune of, can you dig it?

And that, ladies and germs, is Masters of the Universe. What a fucking movie. What a request from Katie. I know, the patrons picked it. Nope. Nope, it was me. Look, I wanted to keep my Franklin and Jell-O thing going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I dig it, I dig it. So you loved it.

I did. Yeah. I had a great time. So my first time seeing this film, believe it or not. In your whole life. My whole life. How do you feel about it now? Oh, I mean, it's fucking trash. It's a lot of fun though. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It was super stupid, but super fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't ever, ever, ever need to watch it again. Yeah. I think this is probably it for me. I've seen it enough times now. This is enough. And then at one point I was watching this,

Katie probably remembers this because she, no, she was three. So that's not why. I do think it was one of those like VHS's that we had around the house. For sure. Yeah. Sure. There's a lot of great, uh, Dolph Lundgren ass in this movie too. Yeah.

Probably a real awakening moment for a young Katie. I mean, I did really have a thing for Drago. Sure. Who didn't? Thighs? Are you joking me? The thigh lines? Oh my god. Thighs? Are you joking me? The thigh lines? Juice.

Oh my god. That might be why I love thighs. Is this why I love thighs? Dolphine Grin. Fuck. His thighs are insane in that movie. They're insane. Oh my god.

OK. Anyway, that's the movie. Yeah. Thanks for listening. I feel like we've let you down sometimes. Why? I don't know. I posted a thing, I was like,

hey, I just realized this is the third and we haven't said anything about the episode. So it's coming out, we're gonna do it. It's gonna be recorded tonight. Fuck them. It's like, dude, no, it's fine. You get one a month, we just don't know when in the month it'll be.

It's a real crap shoot for all of us involved. We're really all here doing our best. So thank you so much for being Patrons. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for being friends. Thank you for your monetary support and thank you for your friendship. Yeah. Yeah.

Go hang out on the Discord. The Reddit is popping off these days. Sure is. And I just feel like it's a real good community we've built up here. Nice fucking people, except for the person who said we were too political in that review.

Suck my flaps. If you don't use your platform to tell people who they should vote for, Katie. You are not Taylor Swift. What? Cockadile gave us the greatest review we've ever received. Wait, I didn't say it out loud. I didn't realize it was cockadile.

That makes me wanna like them. Exactly. Ah! Fuck it. They said we were youthful. Right? Yeah. They said we're young. Yeah. They didn't say that. They were mean to us. Come back for a next episode where we're definitely going to be reading that. Good. And who? Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum