Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Re-release: Episode 380- The Lock In (2017) feat. Eli Bosnick

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Well EMTs, this week was hard and we just weren't up for jokes. You know what we are up for? Boy Cum Agreements! Please enjoy this re-release of our very first crossover with the excellent God Awful Movies podcast's Eli Bosnick in "The Lock In." It's rull bad and we absolutely earn the 'explicit' tag on Apple Podcasts. We'll be back next week with better attitudes and  the new film "In a Violent Nature." We love yinz all, please be good to one another.

Hi, Alan. Hi, Katie. How are you? I'm well and yourself? Good. We have a special guest this week. A guest? What is that? I don't know. We haven't had one in years. But we are being joined by a very special guest this week. Prolific podcaster, expert in religious cinema. Eli Bosnik. That's me. I just had a super sad moment where I was like, oh, that's sweet. And then I was like, oh no, that one's true. Cause of all the Christian movies. Eli is joining us from the podcast, God Aw Awful Movies amongst many other podcasts that we will let him tell you about. Can you tell us a bit about God Awful Movies and how many

Christian movies you've covered? God Awful Movies is my hell that I volunteered for many, many years ago. And we are in episode, oh God, let me check, because I literally don't know at this point. 276 is where we are right now. We have watched 276 Christian movies, not to mention 60 secular bonus episodes and about 10 episodes before we actually started the show, where it was a segment on our other podcast,

The Scathing Atheist. So yeah, we're up in the 300s when it comes to Christian movies. I had no idea so many Christian movies existed. Oh, sure. Me neither. I was like, oh, this will be fun. We'll do 50 episodes. We'll knock out all the Christian movies. I'll go back to driving for Uber. And here I am. The Lord is very popular these days. Yeah, no. Yeah, very popular.

So did you just say no, no? So I had reached out to God awful movies a couple of weeks ago, because I thought it would be fun to do a religious horror movie, not like the Exorcist, but a horror movie made by religious people. And that was before all the Roe v Wade shit has gone down. So it's a little hard to feel funny, make funny jokes about the Christian, right? Yeah.

I mean, I'm a professional so I can make dick jokes, but I'm just saying. What if I promised you a Blair Witch rip off about jerking off? That never ever, ever mentions jerking off. No. And how? What are we talking about, Alan? Oh, we're talking about the lock-in from 2017? This is from 2017?

I think so. Yes, it is the year of our Lord. Holy shit. If you had told me this was 2005, I would have believed you. Okay, fun fact. This was a gam episode 10 of our podcast. Oh, yeah. When you wrote me the email and was like, which horror movie to do, I called Noah and Heath and I was like, Okay, so I have 74 selections. They were like,

relax, do the lock and oh, Google do the look. But the reason this movie is publicly available, this, the trailer for this was floating around the internet. A lot of people had sent it our way. And we were like, ah, you know, we can't really find a copy of it. We like people to be able to watch along with us. A gam listener who we wrote that email to literally wrote to these people and was like, Hey, there's this podcast that reviews Christian movies that would like to review yours. Will you put it up on the internet? And they put it up on the internet.

And then someone took that and put it on YouTube. And that's the Christian film we all watched there. Nicole Soule- You did this. You wrought this on us. Chris I wrought this on the world. Nicole Soule- Why? Chris I know. I get that question so often. Nicole Soule- I feel smited. Why? No, I know. I get that question so often. I feel smited. I mean, did anyone think about youth pastor Chris?

What this is going to do to him? Yeah, knowing that we're about to roast this man. Yeah, and now that he has to just sit there by that copier for the rest of his life. Well, he works in insurance now. So, a far more lucrative career, I would think. So, the lock-in is made by a production company called Holy Moly Pictures, which I thought insurance now. Yeah. A far more lucrative career, I would think. So the lock-in is made by a production company called Holy Moly Pictures, which I thought had to be satire.

I don't think it is. It seems blasphemous. It does seem blasphemous. And it opens on one of those very typical found footage text boxes that's like, this is all real. And this they've given us permission to use this. It's very paranormal activity. Yeah. Yeah. It's paranormal activity. If you were trying to explain it to your right wing Christian mom, it was like, all right, mama, I did get possessed by a ghost, but I swear,

this is just for the church elders. In a film that the one mother character we get to meet is unbelievably awful. Oh, she's the character in the movie. She's amazing. I don't think they know that is the thing. I genuinely think they're like, they shot the mom and they were like, perfect mothering, excellent.

When she's like, oh yeah, let me just call my son. That's like the first of many times that the mic blows out. I guess it was really upsetting my cat. She's like, Oh yeah, before I was a Christian, I sang a deicide. I just realized this is your dream movie. This is Paranormal Act, Paranormal Active Titties. Paranormal Active Titties. Yeah. It's the paranormal activities.

Porn. We don't get to see the porn. Oh, anyway. It cannot possibly actually have been. Well, we see one of the articles. We do see one of the articles in the porn. You know how porn has lots of articles? You get a flash.

But wasn't it like, it was like some sort of like tool related thing or something? Absolutely. Yeah. It's a better home and garden. Yeah. Right. That had like a hole on the cover and they were like, that's basically porn. I've jerked off to that here. Take it, put it in the bag. Even gotten like a bizarre or something that might have semi naked women in it.

No. Catalog. like a bizarre or something that might have semi-naked women in it? No. No catalog? Yes. There is somewhere in the universe, there was a time period where they were like, so do we get a swimsuit issue? And then everyone like started weeping and gnashing their teeth and tearing open shirts. Yeah.

Have you all ever seen the documentary called Hell House? Yes. Okay. I have not, but I've seen the entire Hell House LLC trilogy. That's true. This is a documentary about a Christian haunted house in Texas. Oh, I had. There's an abortion room, right? Yes. I have seen. Yes. And it reminded me of like, when they're like talking about the gay scene in the Hell House and they're like, well, we don't actually want to pair boys up boys up and girls and girls.

Cause that could lead to that's what makes a guy. Yeah. That could lead to homosexual activity. It's just like, wait, what? Wait, what? Okay. Well I hate to validate that entirely insane statement, but we've been asked to do hell house for years and I don't really want to do it because it's kind of like, um, it's kind of critical of the Hell House itself. It's not super clear what it is. We can make fun of it. But I have

phenomenal news about the Hell House. The kid in the gay room who they interview is a listener and is a committed homosexual. Hell House turned him gay. Thanks, Hell House. Thanks, Hell House. Thanks, Hell House. Wonderful. I'm so happy. Oh, yeah, the movie's like really exploitative and not. Yeah, there's a lot of issues with that film. Yeah, maybe someday.

But right now we've got this film in front of us in which, I mean, I think one of the main problems with this movie is I don't believe there to have been a script. No! The director was just like, you're all such talented people. And I just feel like if you really feel it and you just run with it, it's gonna explode on the screen.

And I have to tell you listeners, it does not. Mm-mm, no. I need you all to act like you've beat your dicks into an inch of their life. Looking at this brown paper bag covered Sears advertisement. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, that was method acting for all these teenagers. The best acting that was done around this film

was all the teens who were like, and by the way guys, you, none of you masturbate to porn, right? And all the kids in this movie were like, yeah, never, no, are you kidding? Gross. So excited to condemn the porn I never look at ever. I'm just going to keep tamping that down until it,

what, comes out in gunfire? Yeah, whatever. Yeah. You have some balls sweat coming out of your ears, Philip. It's fine. It's fine. I wanted it this way. Stop rubbing on the couch. We meet this youth pastor, Pastor Chris, former Pastor Chris. He talks for, I don't know, 45 minutes. He's just babbling, just babbling about what has happened in the events of this film,

which we are told has been made only to show the church council of elders or whatever. Sure. Yeah. Can we talk about Chris's physical appearance? Cause like, look, I'm the last person to body shame anyone. Okay. But Chris is standing next to a copier and it genuinely looks like

they started shooting after he ate the first copier. He's a big guy. As a as a fat man, I might also look like that. And that's a no, I'm right there with I am right there with you. I just want to feel like I acknowledge it. When I walk into a room and people gasp, I'm like, Yeah, I know. Don't eat fried rice for breakfast. That's on me. But like, delicious. Exactly. I so wanted him to when he told them what career he had moved on to just be like, Oh, yeah, I'm doing like wet work. I'm a mercenary now. A more sensible position to move into after what I'd seen. But he's like, I couldn't go back there after what happened to those poor kids. And it's like, but wouldn't that make you,

if you really, wouldn't that make you devote your life to Christ even more? Gotta go, devote my life to capitalism. Devote your life to insurance, the worst industry. That's something great about all Christian films is that almost inevitably in every Christian film, there's a person who receives irrefutable proof of God or the devil or Satan or whatever the fuck it is. And they're like, I'm going to sell used cars on this car lot. This is

my fucking shot. He just keeps saying like, it's really hard to talk about and think about. And then he's just smiling through his teeny tiny mouth. And I just find it so upsetting. Yeah. He says, let's just say, I now believe there's a correlation between pornography and demon activity. All right. Okay. Pornography opens the door to Satan and his minions. I once nutted a portal to hell. Just sitting around my office, there's like 27 portals to hell.

Sorry, I said Kara started a pay only fans and it's just been a busy afternoon. Look, you got to support independent creators. Exactly. Exactly, thank you. Y'all, I want you to think about this. Like it could be my daughter. He says not this time, but like, does your daughter have an OnlyFans?

Are we ever going to see Pastor Chris's daughter's born? Absolutely. And sleeping, sleeping behind my dad, fucking behind my dad's back, literally. sleeping behind my dad, fucking behind my dad's back, literally. So after that, we get the, this film has been edited down to 80 minutes and I was like, God bless you, thank you. Thank you for doing that.

And then we meet the star of the film, the indisputable star of this film, Blake. Fuck yeah, Blake. The hero we didn't need, but we do deserve. I just want to put my knee into Blake's teeth. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask? Blake looks like Ashton Kutcher never got makeup or help being handsome.

Right? Like if Ashton Kutcher had just been a guy in Minnesota, he's Blake. Yes. Dressed like he's out of the fucking sandlot and he's in like 1950s, pegged jeans and high top white converse. You're killing me, Smalls. Also, he very clearly in some shots has like a collarbone tattoo that looks like script.

And I just desperately want to know what Bible verse it is. What? That's amazing. There's a scene later in the movie when the, I guess the demon is holding the camera and is doing closeups on everybody sleeping. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can see it peeking over the top

of his like baseball shirt. And I was like, what is it? Is it a Proverbs? Is it, what is it? So important. I've made a terrible mistake being in this film. Yeah. If you see this, help me get me out of this movie.

If you see this, help me get me out of this movie. But first we see the guy who's behind the camera most of the time, Justin. Who turns on the camera to film himself looking at a magazine from behind. And I was like, oh, this kid's gonna fucking jerk it. Right? Are we gonna, cause he's a child. This actor is a child.

For a second I was like, oh man, I'm on a watch list. Shit. Do not tug McGraw your way out of this situation. He looks at the magazine and then he turns off the camera. Cool scene. I just I like to film the before, not the during. No one wants that. Honestly, if the camera

turned back on and just like giant white splotches all over the walls and he's all sweaty and red, maybe my favorite movie. Now you're on a watch list. If you see the after effects of a child jerking off. I think that's like, you know what? I've had this fight too many times with my lawyer. I don't want to have it here. I don't want to keep this on the air. The ideas and thoughts of the podcast. That'll be really bad. Here's the thing about boy. Should have had me sign that boy come right or that's on you. We really need to get that boy come agreement in

place. So we okay we need play and boy come agreement is the name of my band. I'm sorry. We're playing at the Y this Thursday. I would love for anyone to show up. It's like a j pop k pop grindcore band. You're gonna love it. Yeah, exactly. The lead singer is Nick's mom. It's like a J-pop, K-pop, grindcore band. You're going to love it. Yeah, exactly. The lead singer is Nick's mom. It's great.

I'm sorry. Look. Mom is the finest actor in this film. She's also absolutely insane. Maybe don't let a crazy person ad lib because this is what you get. See, but I feel like Nick's dad, I know we're jumping ahead here. Are we? But Nick's mom is screaming and Nick's dad is standing next to her.

And tonight I'm a hundred percent sure just like ghost farting, just yeah. He's giggling the whole time. I've never seen an actor in all of the, what, 300, this is an episode 380, I think for us. Yeah. Yeah. In all of the terrible movies we've done. I don't think I've ever seen anyone so conscious that they were in front of a camera. Yep. We see someone even more conscious later on in this movie. Who is that? The guy who comes to talk to Chris about jerking off to

porn when his wife's away on vacation. Yes. No, the documentary within a documentary, HellHell3 LLC vibes. Yes. Oh, I have so much to say about that scene. So Blake and Justin go to pick up Chris because they're going to a lock-in. Did any of you ever do a lock-in? Oh yeah, once, but I was asked to never to return.

I used to lead lock-ins, not for religious institutions, but for like, under so here's the thing underprivileged kids really like lock ins. And so I used to lead lock ins until they found out my job and they were like, Hey, man, are you on podcasts where you talk about boy come agreements? And I was like, I am and they were like, cool, never be near a child again. And I was like, that's fair. You are at 34 clearances have been revoked. Yeah, exactly. But I have not only been to several lock-ins, I've led lock-ins. You were the pastor Chris. I was the pastor Chris.

I'm also refrigerator shaped. So it all comes together. I'm very much pastor Chris. I escaped to another job. The only lock-in I ever attended was at the Catholic church in my neighborhood. And my friend's mother was the receptionist at the church at the time. So a few days before the lock-in, we stole her keys, had copies made so that we could break into the communion

wine store room, which by the way is Francia. Fucking Francia. Of course it is. Boxes of Francia. Yeah. Which then I was asked not to return. Yeah. Yeah. Because you got blacked out drunk. Oh, I got to pour up.

And then I accidentally locked the keys in the storeroom with the wine. Of course. Yeah. It's fine. That's some Mission Impossible shit. That's awesome. No, it isn't. Compared to, I was like, I watched the Goofy movie a bunch.

I was just an asshole. I watched the Goofy movie and tried them not to get to find out about the BCAs that I've had to sign on different podcasts. That's a boy. That's what we call a boy. BCA. You got to shorten it after a while. As a mandatory reporter, I do.

That's right. You are. Yeah, I am. So, okay. So yes, they're at Nick's house. We found out that Blake is doing the entire like exposition of the film in front of Nick's house. Yeah.

Because I'm not sure that the movie understood that you can maybe show us something without someone telling us about it. Yeah. And don't forget that he's hitting on Nick's mom when he gets in the house. Well, she's a good looking lady. Yeah.

She seems like she's a... She'd fuck him. Oh, for sure. Yeah. For, she's a good looking lady. Yeah, she seems like she's a... She'd fuck him. Oh, for sure. Yeah. For sure, Nick's mom fucks. Nick's mom fucks you on top of an expired coupon. Like, it's so hard. If you want to go to teepublic.com slash werewolfambulance

and pick up the Nick's mom fucks t-shirt. I'm buying that shirt. I don't care if any of you listen to it, I'm buying it. Oh, they will. You'd be surprised the things they bought. We made up an imaginary ska band and they bought a t-shirt. There you go. General Skaspital is out in the world. Blake also picks up, I think it's Nick's sister's wedding photo. And he's like, whoa, Nick's sister's so hot.

Thank you. Question that came up for me. If he jerks off to Nick's sister's so hot. Thank you. Question that came up for me, if he jerks off to Nick's sister's wedding photo, does it become a demon tale? Yes, she becomes pornography. Yeah, that's pornography. I mean, I know it when I see it in that wedding photo. Yeah. And she's technically somebody's daughter.

Yeah. So I mean, that hits all the checkboxes, right? Okay. Well then I would like to apologize to a lot of photos of Amanda Bynes from the years of like 2007, 2010. That's on me as a young man. I'm sorry I turned so many of your Instagrams into demon portals.

Instagrams. We didn't all grow up with the internet, okay? It's almost had to make do. I do have to get this comment in before we get too far. Well, we see Justin in his leading up to moments before he turns the camera off. We see his haircut and that is my least favorite haircut. That's why I thought this was like early to mid 2000s.

He and Jessica both look straight off of my space. Oh, for sure. He's got the, but it's like at this point, that's just the like, I'm a good Christian kid haircut. Oh, okay. It's a little like you slept with your hair in somebody's butt cheeks. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like not quite boy band to the haircut. Yeah. Somewhere between a boy band and a peewee. Is where you ended up. But yeah, and just all their sartorial choices of like the old Navy button downs and all that jazz. Again, looks very 2005. So there's clearly two, I would like to say that this movie was made all in one take,

but there's clearly reshoots because Jessica's hair and nose ring changes and Justin's shirt changes. Her plugs change too. His shirt changes. Sometimes it's green, sometimes it's purple. And Blake Shaves. He is more her suit earlier in the film. Yeah. Wow. Cause when, okay, we'll get to it. I'm so sorry.

I mean, there is an, the ultimate continuity thing happens at almost the end of this movie. Which is? When somebody walks into the shop and then backs back out of it. He backs out of it so slowly., hell man, you guys making that movie still fuck man. I'm sorry about that. Oh, man. I'm sorry about that, man. Are you gonna keep this in the you're

gonna keep it you keep this explanation as well. Okay, good to know. It's called demon semen like that one red hot chili pepper lyric. Yeah, man. I love the Reho Chop apps, man. They're my favorite. Oh, you want me to get out? All right, I'll leave. I'll leave. Just let me finish this game of Connect 4. I was playing it myself.

Hear all the plastic pieces hit the ground because he accidentally hits the gate on the tabletop Connect 4 he's carrying around. He's like, you can fix this in post, right? And they're like, no. Just CGI me out, right? Just make me one of them semen demons. Because there is CGI in this film. No, those are demons.

There's an app you could download to your iPhone in 2017. So in this scene, Nick's mom finds out that he has a crush on a girl named Jessica. Oh, yeah. She flips her fucking shit. She's screaming, I don't want you to get her pregnant. Don't touch her, Nicky. It's crazy. First of all, can we talk about the fact that dad comes over and she screams his name so hard that the microphone clips, but dad comes over as though like he was an under five trying to get paid and the ability to eat crafty and goes, Luigi's no weenie, no weenie. If there's a hell and I'm not saying there is, but if there's a hell, it's just

dad shouting that an inch from my face for all eternity. I would definitely eat at a place called Lil Luigi's. Lil Luigi's. No, Luigi's. Well, his mom's like, is that the front seat or the back seat? And it's like, who eats pizza in the car? You fucking psycho. Yes, she blows out the sound. And I honestly felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

It was wild. This is where I have the note that just says, this is a nightmare. Yup. It's a nightmare. This goes on for a really long time where they're sort of like secretly filming his parents giving him what appears to be a sex talk. Right, but like a shameful prayer based one. Yeah, did you pray about this?

Yeah. Well, dear God protect our son. Keep his barn door shut as mom says. Barn door shut. And then later the pastor references the barn door too. Yeah. Is that something you've experienced in your religious cinematic experience?

Okay, but here's the weird thing. Keep your barn door shut means that your zipper is unzipped accidentally. It doesn't mean like your dick's out. It means like, yeah, you went to the bathroom and you forgot to zip your pants. They have now turned it sexual. Yeah, when your barn doors open, all of your horse semen runs out of your pants and gallops through people's fields.

I'm just picturing them watching people with their zipper open being like, don't worry, his dicks not out. No need to tell him. Oh, he's got a gonzo nose. Run over there and tell him. Oh, he's got a gonzo nose. Run over there and tell him. At this point, I accidentally closed the YouTube app. And when I reopened it, it started 30 seconds back. And I was furious that I had to rewatch it for 30 seconds.

Because listening to these teenage boys talk in the car is like having dental work done. But in their defense, it did feel like Blair Witch when you wanted those, we were like rooting for the people in Blair Witch to die at that point in the movie. Yeah, you're enough. I also felt like maybe they shouldn't have filmed that teenager actually driving his car around

because it felt unsafe. Yeah, Blake drives the way I do. Eyes off the road. And this is where we're introduced to Justin being essentially bullied by these kids endlessly, mostly for being raised by his grandparents. Yeah, me and people. As a person who lived with their grandparents for quite a bit of time, I'll tell you who made fun of me for it.

Literally no one in my life. Yeah. Never. You had adults that loved you and cared for you? You idiot. They also make a big deal of him dumpster diving. Yeah. Never. You had adults that loved you and cared for you? You idiot. Oh, you fuck. But he does, they also make a big deal of him dumpster diving. Yeah.

Which I also thought wasn't that weird, but. Okay. Objection. Kept me in furniture and I grew up in a college town. You could score entire unused crates of ramen from dumpsters. Oh yeah, get those textbooks and sell them online. That would be like my summer income there. unused like crates of ramen from home. But get those textbooks and sell them online. That would be like my summer income there.

That's my keystone ice money. I've grown up punk in Pittsburgh. Maybe that's what it is, is like getting punk at a young age, is you just think it's okay to dig in the trash. I'm just picturing you guys out in a dumpster behind whatever target I'm shopping for school supplies. And let's go get some Zima's. out in a dumpster behind whatever target I'm shopping for school supplies at.

Woo! Let's go get some Zemas. I remember being on tour in Chicago and somebody went for a walk and came back with a garbage bag filled with day old Dunkin' Donuts and we all lost our minds. We have we have shut Eli down. No, that's good. I'm glad you got your big trash bag full of donuts. That seems like a really nice memory for you. In defense of dumpster diving, it's actually really cool, okay? Yeah, no, it sounds cool.

Sounds cool. That's where you get porn apparently. Well, I should be going. It's been a good podcast thing. We're basically Jack Kerouac. Not exactly. But it's also where you find pornography when you're cleaning out your trashy car that has a windshield wiper in the back seat. I assumed this was going to be Woods porn because you're always telling me about Woods porn, which I still don't believe to be real.

It's real. How is this possible? I don't, there must be something in like the Y chromosome that like acts as a divining rod to woods. I'm ready to blow up the truth on woods porn, forgive the pun. Cause here's the thing back in the old days and you kids don't understand this. You kids with your podcasts and your XNXX.com, you don't know what it was like, okay? But you would get a porn magazine, right? You would buy it from an adult.

You would ask an adult to buy it. You would find it in the woods and you would jerk off to it as many times as you could. But you have never, you young people have never had to jerk off to the same thing 17 times. Eventually you can't do it. You can't do it anymore. And that's when you go into the woods and you just leave it there for another young person

to carry forward. Yeah. Oh. You pay it forward. Exactly. Yes. Exactly. OK, well, I'll accept that.

Yeah. Because later in the movie, Jessica is talking about all of her dad's magazines and how it tore the family apart. And I kept thinking, like, how many fucking magazines would you have to have for it to tear your family apart? Like, who has the space? Yeah. And I kept thinking like, how many fucking magazines would you have to have for it to tear your family apart? Like who has the space? Yeah. And my dad had hundreds that did not tear our family apart.

I have bad news for you. Your dad still has hundreds. No, we moved them. What did you do with them? There weren't any in the house. We moved them, but I did get his one Playboy VHS cassette. Score. I mean, I'm going to hell. Please. Well, you know.

Jadim and you. So they get to the lock-in. Also, can we comment on how edgy Jessica is? I feel like she's way too edgy for this lock-in. Oh yeah. I'm gonna be mean about Jessica for a minute here. Oh no. Yeah.

So they're like, oh, she's so cute. And then when they rolled up, I assumed Genesis was Jessica because she's clearly the cute one. Jessica is not the cute one. Oh, but she's edgy. She's edgy. Yeah, all right.

You know this girl's up for purpling. Did you guys have purpling? What? What? Purpling? You never heard this term? It's like soaking? No, this makes me so happy that I get to share this insanity with you. So Pastor Chris actually says it or he says a version of it.

He says guys, you have a red box girls. You have a blue box. Don't make a purple box. What I did hear him say that but I didn't understand how the box was. So they used to tell you you you have a red, invisible red box around your penis and you have a real invisible red box about your, but JJ don't make a purple box, which they would call purpling for short. Wow.

Yep. Purpling. So it's like a, it's like an area of effect basically. Exactly. Yeah. So that's why they do side hugs. It's an aura. Yeah, exactly. Because when Pastor Chris said that thing about only give side hugs, I got, do you remember that YouTube video, give me that Christian side hug that was-

Yes. It has been in my head for three days now. I'll link to it in the show notes if I remember, which I won't. This whole movie, I just kept thinking, what if we talk to kids about pornography? Like, hey, it's like a fantasy. It's not a roadmap. I mean, use it to do what you need to do, but realize that this is not what the real world is like. Now, I don't, I don't really like this.

I think we should just have them abstain entirely. Okay. I think that will work much. Until it comes out in bullets. Much better. Yeah, okay, okay, good, good, good, good, good, good. I always like the Mark Maron joke that when he has kids, he's just gonna explain it

that they're clowns, right? Because clowns wear funny outfits and they do things that would hurt you and me, but it's really just for fun. Don't overthink it. I really use that on my kids. Also, is there a petition I could sign that Mark Maron does not have children? He does not have children. Don't worry. He's achieved that for us. But I mean, in this scene where they're driving to the lock-in and getting there,

they're talking about how he's like, oh, you're going to marry Jessica. And I was like, do Christian teen boys actually fantasize about getting married? Yeah, because you can't say you're going to bone down on Jessica. Yeah. Because they're like, oh, tonight's the night you kiss her, which was not my teenage experience at all. Also, highly controversial among Christians. A lot of Christians who watch this movie wouldn't have approved of Kissing Before Marriage.

Oh, for sure. Really? Yup. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. You're kissing? What if you take it for a test drive and you don't like it?

But if you're married, you're stuck with it. That's right. Fuck. I have some chewed gum propaganda to send you that'll really wreck your week. No. Oh, no. Oh, man. I just want to go back to being a quasi-satan-loving weirdo that I've always been.

The other side seems so weird. Welcome to my world of cinema. Don't you wish you could go back to Demon Babies now? But there is a demon baby in the zoo. There is a demon baby. My notes are wild. They're just like, I just keep thinking I have to get to the other side of this. This movie's a lot like Childbirth. The only way out is through. They're just like, I just keep thinking I have to get to the other side of this. Yup. Yeah.

This movie's a lot like childbirth. You just get, it's the only way out is through. Out is through. That's right. Oh, and it ripped my team. Six stitches when it was over. Couldn't poop for three days. Had to have it surgically removed for me.

There's just so much like they find the porn in the dumpster. Not because Justin digs in dumpsters because they were throwing garbage away. And why did they set up him being a dumpster diver? Great question. Great question. Yeah. All right. All right.

Yeah. He's supposed to be weird because he dumpster dives and has grandparents. Seemingly love him and he's homeschooled, which I have a challenge to his grandparents. And his grandparents who seemingly love him. And he's homeschooled, which a lot of them. I have a challenge to his grandparents loving him. We'll get to it later in the movie, but I have a challenge to that theory. All right, all right. Jessica finds the pornography,

and then it gets to Chris that they found pornography. Yes. And he has the, what if it was my daughter? Oh my God. Conversation, which is literally, you're a bad person if you have to like have that relationship to somebody to care about them. Yeah.

Would you come over and watch my wife take a shower? And it's like, is someone paying your wife to watch her take a shower? That's the worst version of that sentence I've ever heard. Let me just say any other time someone says that sentence to you, downright neighborly. It wouldn't come over. Like I mean, I just lurk outside. It's not like visiting. It's like if I lived nearby and could see

peeping Blake. Oh man, his wife is such a church lady. I assume that's his wife with the turtleneck and possible. Why else would she be in this movie? Y'all know that pornography is a gateway drug, right? Yep. Into Satan.

Okay. Satan's defense, apparently. All right, all right. They do literally ask him. He's like, this is a gateway drug. And they're like, to what? And he's like, we should have had a script. Fuck, I don't know.

I'm, I'm pastor. I'm youth, youth pastor, Chris. I don't know. Do we just start over? Cause I lost the thread. Start the movie over. I'm going to go eat another copier. He just, every time he gets to talk, he just goes and goes and goes. Like when he's giving that prayer before they like officially start the lock. Yeah. But it seems like he's never made up a prayer before. It's very good. Yeah. He's like, God, let's play Blazer now. Hey there, champ.

How are you? Stupid. Hi, today. Hey, God, me and my wife noticed you're across the bar. No, damn it. You are already watching my wife take a shower. So, God, what? There are children here.

That just reminded me of a preacher named TD Jakes that had some thing where it was like, God's always watching you. When you're bent over in the kitchen, cleaning the floor, God's watching you. And it's like, God, take a break, buddy. It's gonna be some really boring stuff for a while. You're gonna see some sweatpants with holes

that you didn't know could come into sweatpants. Just go about your business, Lord. Not even a pant anymore. No, I'm not throwing this t-shirt out, God. Yes, I am gonna wear this to the store, God. Now I'm just picturing God like walking up to the angels and being like, hey guys, Eli, he's been singing that same TikTok rap for like 45 days now. Any chance we could hit him with a truck, please?

Pretty much all his money. Don't jiggle, jiggle. Can we do something about that? No, no, no. So what do they do something about that? No, no, no. So what do they do with the pornography? They pretend they're going to throw it away and then hide it in Nick's backpack. Uh huh. Which Jessica then opens looking for cookies, I think. Uh huh.

And just reaches in and pulls it out. Yeah. And screams, uh, looking at porn, you're a pig, you're disgusting. Which is my favorite line in the movie and then pastor Chris like we got to burn this guess we got to burn it we got to burn this why would they not redo this scene where he can't such a great question this journey to it's like watching what's-his-name bring the dead guy back in the abyss it is

Fucking run is like, okay What if I stick the lighter all the way in and just click it a bunch of times? No, that's it work What if I just lay down and die next to it? I really wanted him to dip it into the demon portal full of fire. Oh, hey, okay works Could what do you think impure thoughts into this magazine real quick? So they set it on fire next to the dumpster on a very windy day.

And then we go back in and they are secretly filming Jessica having a phone call. And this is the first time I was like, oh, we'll be able to see what the filmmakers thought was like important to do retakes on because now Jessica has bangs and two nose rings. So this was filmed later. She's having this conversation

and I thought she was leaving a message. She's like, hi, Rachel, it's me, Jessica. And I just like wanted to tell you about this thing that was happening and like, wait, what? It's like you were talking to someone. Why didn't they just have someone on the other end of the phone talking to her? It's so uncomfortable. I want to know how they snuck a lav mic onto her for her to have perfect audio through a door.

Which is wild because for most of this movie, I couldn't understand a fucking word anyone's saying. Yeah. Jessica took the lav mic with her when she left. She walked off set. I gotta go to the piercing pagoda. I honestly believe that Jessica just left this movie because at one point she's just gone. She had a shifted Hot Topic guys at the mall. Is there a Christian version of Hot Topic?

Great question. There should be. That could be our moneymaker. Yeah, copyright copyright. Yes. be. That could be our moneymaker. Yeah, copyright, copyright. Yes. I once tried to start a Christian band called Avenging Angel after my band, The Hips broke up and we only came up with one song, but it was called Jesus and Sarah.

And it was about Christ having his hand on Sarah Palin's shoulder. I love it. I'm in. We didn't get anywhere with it. It's such a bummer. Jesus and Sarah. I love it. I'm already in. We didn't get anywhere with it. It's such a bummer. Jesus and Sarah. I love, I'm already in. Yeah. It's to the tune of what? My Little Pony? I like that. These kids were definitely our target demographic though. Yeah. So Satan brings the magazine back. It's rolled up in Nick's sleeping

bag. Yeah. And then we see all the security cam footage because we're told, oh, Pastor Chris has told them that there's security cameras throughout the church, which is like 300,000 square feet. How is the church so enormous? Thank you. The real horror of this movie is how big this mega church is. Yeah, right. Just like I want to know what city this church was in and what its homeless population is because I have a solution.

It's in Colorado Springs, which I know because that was the name on the dump, or the city on the dumpster when they were burning the porn. Even the parking lot for it is bigger than my entire neighborhood. Yeah. When they keep going back to the dip and trough where the baptisms happen. And it's just a, it's, it's a labyrinth to get back there. It's so huge and it has fucking colored lights and like a fucking sauna. It's so much. And carpeted steps coming out of your feet being soaking wet. That seems like a bad idea. It does seem like a bad idea. And also when all the lights are turned off, they're still

on in the stairwell. And I have to believe that the filmmakers like, we don't want these kids tripping. We don't want these kids to fall down. Also the AV computer and the big auditorium is still on. The demon does leave the projector on in case, you know, he wants to do a slideshow. Wouldn't it have been great if he did? Because he does absolutely nothing in the entire movie. How dare you? I mean, he does open an automatic door, which we see on security camp footage. He throws a trash can. Sort of. Yeah. And he does a thing that led me to making a note that says, fuck you, rocking chair.

Yeah. Someone saw a paranormal activity. Yeah. But what if God? OK, but this that means that this mega church has a nursery. Why does this mega church have a nursery? I don't know. Why does it have moose mountain? That's true. We do also see moose mountain. I'm just gonna say a lot of time thinking about I'm supposed to be teaching my son to talk and I was like, what the fuck is this mountain? Before I saw the moose mountain sign, I was like, why is the upper floor a coal mine? What is going on? Moose Mountain sign, I was like, why is the upper floor a coal mine? What is going on? Moose Mountain. It doesn't make any more sense than it being a coal mine. Oh my God.

This, I mean, the quality of the film is like something you would make for history class where someone's pretending to be Abe Lincoln and you have like a pasted on beard and your teachers in it like ad libbing, which the woman at the door is doing. I couldn't tell because my hearing is very bad. But did they say that Justin left his insulin in the car? Or they left he left something in the car, something in the car, medication in the car. Medication in the car? Something like that. I mean, I have to admit that I could also not hear this. It was also just like, hoping paint was wet near me that I could watch it dry. Yeah.

The problem with trying to hear anything in this movie is that this movie constantly traps you into turning up the volume. And then it's like, whee, and you're like, oh God, my ear drops. Nick. When Jessica screams later in the movie, I literally wet myself. It was so loud.

It frightened me. And I was like, Oh, that's why Jessica got the role. Yeah. She's had some lungs. Lungs. Yeah. Oh, I hope she had like some weird Christian emo band that she sang for.

Yeah. Boy, come agreement. I told you. She was the bassist. We're at the Y this Thursday. You can come see it. I left a flyer on your desk. See, I would think it would be like my biblical romance. Phenomenal.

Oh, I'm good at naming things with really shitty names. General's Hospital. Yeah, General's Hospital, werewolf ambulance. I still don't get that one. Oh, I'm good at naming things with really shitty names. General Hospital. Yeah, General Hospital, Werewolf Ambulance. Yeah, I still don't get that one. 300 something episodes in. Other people let me name a podcast Marvel, Marvel's Marvels. And they do it now without you, which is very funny.

So, okay, so they're running around trying to get rid of the, they want to take the porn outside to throw it in the dumpster again, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Sneaky, sneaky style. The woman won't let them out to get Justin's whatever. She's like, no, you know that you cannot go outside once you have been inside. This is a lock-in. Are you aware that this film is called The Lock-in? I want to throw this out there as someone with some experience.

You're not like a prisoner in a lock-in. It's not how it's supposed to work. It just means you get the building to yourself. No, church jail. Yeah, exactly. A little carbon monoxide leak. I'm sorry. It's a lock-in.

Sorry about your head. Oh, the whole city goes blue. And that can be the murder way or the democratic way, however you want to think about it. Oh, sorry, we don't talk about politics on this podcast anymore. Oh, okay, I get it. I'm upset.

Me neither, I get it. The trash can like rejects the porn. They're in the cage, it's like the cage beneath the church, like it's fucking Cthulhu. That's what you think. Is that not what happened? No, the demon throws the trash can. I thought that religious trash can was saying, no, I will not accept this porn.

That would be the best if the counter theory of this movie is just one really insulted Christian trash can desperately trying to profilatize. Minister Oscar would not let that be put in his trash can. It's at the fuck out. Oh my God. So they find Jessica, okay, they go upstairs and everyone's gone. Yeah. And it's, they left because you people are fucking terrible.

They find Jessica in a closet in there and she tells them, she looks at her, she pulls out her phone, looks at it, says that an hour has gone by, but it's only been a few minutes to our protagonist. She puts her cell phone away. We never see her cell phone again. Did you get the glint coming off of her cell phone when she pulled it out? It was the most spiderwebbed cell phone I've ever seen. Oh no, I'm not.

And you know why? Cause Jessica drinks. After her shifts at Hot Topics, she sits there with a bottle of beach snobs, tries to forget all the porno magazines that dad tore her family apart with. There is no way that girl's not down for porn, right? What do you mean?

Like that she would be grossed out by it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. There is just an ensuing, I don't know, four to five hours of the film where they're running around this goddamn fucking Olympic Stadium-sized church.

Yeah. We've reached the point of the movie where describing the rest of the movie is and then they run from room to room yelling. Yeah, they're screaming, but nothing is happening. The only things that I saw that would be scary were, I guess, the garbage can not spitting out the porn and the child's face. So what else are they screaming about? Somebody, the cabinets are locked?

Somebody explain the child to me. Eli, you've seen this twice. Go. Okay. I now here's the terrifying thing. I've seen it three times. I watched it twice when I reviewed it and I watched it a third time today on double speed on YouTube. This is a clean 45 minutes for me, let me tell you. So the child, first of all, the child is literally an iPhone filter. Like this is an Instagram filter from the original,

this is like the original Snapchat filter back before we all stopped using it. But at one point, as they're running throughout this building, they see like a nine year old sitting there and they're like, hey man, old sitting there and they're like, Hey, man, how's it going? How's it going? Little guy, how's it going? And he turns and it's the scare effect from like YouTube videos someone used to post to your mass space. Yes, they're like, can you can you see the difference between these two pictures? And? Yeah. It's 100% that

I have a question. Yeah. This is just a question about demons in general. Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay. It's a hundred percent that. I have a question. Yeah. This is just a question about demons in general. Oh sure. Yeah. Okay. So demons possess the porn. When we see the video of the man being interviewed by the pastor, he appears to have also been possessed

by porn. How much penetration did that kid have to watch in order to become possessed? Ooh, what kind of porn was that kid watching? Wow. Great question. Or as the phrase Alan has taught me, full penny, which I think about every day. Full penny. Yeah. Along with Ben Shapiro's driveway. I have a challenge to your listeners to use that next time they're trying to have sex, right? I don't know, we've been dating for like six or seven

months now and I really feel like full penny would be an exception. No babe, I'm just in the mood for full penny, didn't I? It's just a descriptor of pornography, y'all. It's not an act. It's not something you invite somebody else to. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're describing pornography as full penny? Well, yeah. If you get a penthouse, there's going to be full penny? Well, yeah, you know, if you get a penthouse, there's gonna be full penny. I feel I have many issues. I'm sorry. I feel like we're watching different genres of porn.

Oh, I'm sorry. Alan's talking about paper porn. I'm talking about paper porn. I am almost 50 years old. The internet is still... You don't want to get those. New and terrifying. Were you finding tablets of wood porn? What'sporn, that were hooked up to wifi?

I would just find an iPad in the woods as a youth, filled with porn. You'd read it till the battery died and then just walk off into the distance. It was a simpler time. The Woodsporn in my neighborhood was underneath a mattress in the woods that like train hoppers slept on. And I'm convinced that's why I have yet to get COVID. That's better than a vaccine. It's a waxing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to go. How dare you.

This is also where we hear the lion growling for the first time, which I love. I love it so much. It sounds like a lion. Is that what Jessica thinks Genesis is? Oh, Genesis Roar is like a lion. I think she's around. Yeah, no, there's a very clearly like a like MGM Lion Roar and Jessica's like classic Genesis. She hasn't had her afternoon snack. That's her tummy a rumbling.

Let's go check it out. I'd like to linger on the name Genesis. Yeah. Just one moment. No, I have thoughts. Let it go. Oh no, please tell me your thoughts. My thoughts, my hopes and prayers are that she was named after the band, not the

book of the Bible. Oh, I love that. Big Phil Collins fans. This is her brother, Lamley, sat on Broadway. This is our other son, Sticks. He went through a whole phase. Sorry. He's a renegade.

How dare you? How dare you, sir? Now, Eli, is when I arrived here this evening, Alan was walking his cat outside on a leash and the cat was eating sticks and he made a renegade Joe. This was an hour ago. Oh, it's all set up. I see. You think this is spontaneous. This is all prewritten material. I click over in the dock and just everything I'm saying is somehow scripted out. How? How?

I'm sorry. If you find a nine-year-old with a demon face, you beat the shit out of that nine-year-old. Oh my God, you kicked him right in his fucking face. Could I just say, this movie absolutely could have saved itself if these teenagers had just attacked this nine-year-old. Fuck! Whack! Whack!

Whack! Whack! Get the trash can! Whack! Did masturbating dad know that Pastor Chris was filming him confess? Yes, he says, we're gonna film this. I thought why the fuck would you like consent? Totally fine with it. He's like, yeah, okay.

If my therapist was like, we're filming today, I'd be like, you go fuck yourself. Yeah. Especially on the jacket conversation. Where no mention of giving himself rub burn while his wife's away for the weekend. I keep saying how it's intensifying. What does that mean?

And I mean, just to put this out there, porn addiction is a real thing. Oh, sure. There's... No? I'm a guest, I'm a guest, I don't wanna be rude. Well, I think it tends to go hand in hand with other addictions, which-

Sure, but anything that's going to release dopamine into your system, it can be addictive. You can be addicted to anything. Addicted is not a legally protected term. I knew a woman who was addicted to tanning beds. Literally addicted. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. She looked terrible.

Yeah, that sounds bad. Yeah, it was bad. That woman was me. Thank you for trying to save me. Okay. I'm so glad to hear that because we're on Skype right now. Alan, I thought you'd been in blackface this whole time. I've been very uncomfortable. It's just a tanning thing. Okay. Good to know. After Eli said that, I turned into dust and was blown away from that. I love when they try to break the windows, but like, Or with the chairs.

I'm like screaming, break the window pussy. There was a very clearly a pastor standing there being like, okay, now Blake, remember we're letting you use the church for free. So he was like, all right, we got to get out of here. Tink. Tink. The best part is he really winds up too, and then he pulls it back at the last second,

which is the very obvious way. He doesn't want to break kayfabe while he's doing this. There's also points where they're trying to open a door. Oh my god. And someone will accidentally hit the push bar, and you'll hear it engage. And they're like, ah, no.

At one point, when they go to the kitchen for snacks and Satan has decided no snacks. And nothing can open. Blake puts his hand on a drawer and then grabs the handle and starts going, I was like, Blake, you fucking idiot. Get your pushing arm off that so the pole one can work. Oh, so, so many times throughout this movie, they will walk towards a very obviously unlocked door and do their best not to open it and fail. I cannot count the number of shots where they accidentally start to open doors and they're

like, Oh, no, nevermind. It's locked. It's locked. Locked. Also, why is this church soundproof to the extent that that man couldn't hear them on the street? Well, the devil did that. The devil.

I'm so fucking stupid. The devil messed up their cell phone networks, locked the doors, the fridges, and made the church soundproof. It was a weird day for him. I felt like the devil was batting clean up with his powers. He was like, all right, so you know what? We got to use all these by the end of the month. We need soundproofing cell phones and projector and we can move to trashcans. What do you guys want to do? You want to go fuck with some kids at a lock in? Well, we have an

appointment with Mitch McConnell at 4 30. Well, we won't need the trash cans for him. Let's fuck with the kids and then we'll go talk to Mitch McConnell. So I have a theory. Okay. That Satan put them in a pocket dimension where the reason they couldn't open any doors is because they couldn't actually touch them. I beg to differ because they touched the doors, but all right.

But they couldn't, they just couldn't make them work. I guess. You put so much more thought into this movie than the people who made this movie. It's often my problem. But like the thing that we see in horror movies is that you have to explain away some of this. Like you have to see them pull out their phones and it's scrambled or something. You have to see that they aren't able to touch the doors. But this film does none of that.

Right, right. Okay. Well, they filled a baptismal. That's true, he did turn a knob to turn the water on. I am- Well, no, that was the devil. The devil turned the water on. I mean, no, I understand. I do get that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am 100% sure there was like a conversation of can we just put red food coloring into the baptismal and make it look like blood? Absolutely not Blake. No, absolutely not. Blake, Blake, we've already given this to you for two hours to film your movie and you're pushing it. I saw how hard you tapped that window Blake.

We were all very disappointed. He used the plastic end of the chair, not the metal end. I hate you Blake. I'm sorry that I just said I hate a child, but I do. That man's not a child. He has a collarbone tattoo of presumably a Bible verse. Yeah. Okay. Can we talk about this? I'll try to bring a wedding ring at some points, that's all.

Yep. Can we talk about the scene where they're all gathered to talk about their experiences with porn destroying their family? This is when I realized this wasn't satirical. Because when we meet his parents at the beginning, I thought this is satire. And then when they have this like, heartfelt scene, I was like, oh shit, they're serious. Yeah. So I want to go over these stories. Jessica already teased us with this porn magazines destroyed her family. Apparently he got eaten by one. Blake's dad left left him a box of porn. And he says smoke up Johnny. No, wait. He says, you gotta beat off. That's what men's gotta do. Or

something. And then Justin tells the story again, my pocket theory that Justin's grandparents, not so great. Justin was looking at porn on his laptop and his grandfather ran it over with a truck. You know you can use those for other things, Paw Paw. How's he gonna do his homework? Can I say this is a benefit to having parents? Parents know you can do other things with a laptop.

Grandparents, not so much. I'm so sad that we never got to meet Mimam people. I know. I wanted to meet them so bad. They're in the sequel. God, I want to see a sequel to this movie. Lockout. Lockout.

Lock inner. Here we see, oh, this is one of the other things that the demon does. He like rattles the shutters. Yeah. And everybody runs away except for Jessica. They all leave Jessica. Here we see, oh, this is one of the other things that the demon does. He like rattles the shutters and everybody runs away except for Jessica. Can we blame them? Can we blame them? I'm not going to leave y'all. I'm just going to, I'm done. So I'm going to hang up. Bye-bye. But then when we come back, when we see Jessica again, it's the first Jessica again. I have a conspiracy theory that there's, that's a different actor playing Jessica when she has bangs.

They like tested the Taylor Swift. What's your name? The one they killed and then replaced her with a clone. Averlevin. Averlevin. They tested the Averlevin program on Jessica. Were you not aware of this Alan just reacted like he was not aware. You don't know that they killed Averlevin and replaced her with a clone?

Is that why she left that man from Sun 41? How? Why else? Why else? He could jump up in the air and spin around. He's so tiny. You just want to put him in your pocket. Read a Tumblr, Ellen. God. I can't. I might see pornography. Not anymore. More, true.

Why would anyone ever go to Tumblr again? Oh, you can't see porn on Tumblr anymore? No more boobies. Oh, fuck it. What? You didn't know they got rid of the porn on Tumblr? It wasn't my primary porn source. Okay. You missed out. Can I just say, you missed out?

This is when they start just doing like long extended sequences of just a black screen and you think like, well, this is better. Yep. There was multiple points in this movie was like, this is going to be the last scene. This is a terrible way to end this movie. They shouldn't end this movie in this way. Please end this movie right now. Sure. I was very conflicted. They don't end it for a very long time. Yeah, not for a long time. This is when there's like 30 minutes left and you just cannot possibly understand how.

Yeah. So Jessica gets eaten. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or gets taken. Yeah, no, because there's a whole like long scene where they drop the camera on the floor are kicking it while a demon is pulling Jessica through a door. Oh, right. Right, right. And then they, okay, I have a lot of questions about, can we talk about cup puppets? Yes. Okay.

Why are they behaving in this way? That's a great question, and I have a lot of questions. Okay, all right. They are, their friend Jessica has been dragged away by a demon, presumably killed, so they draw themselves as puppets and begin to reenact the evening to the camera? Uh-huh.

They're behaving like they're on mushrooms. They're like laugh crying. I think this is supposed to demonstrate to the audience in a show don't tell way. Okay. That they learn throughout the movie making process. That they are slowly going insane. Oh.

At a time that is elapsing. Lighthouse vibes. Lighthouse vibes, yes. Yeah. You like me lobster, yeah. Honestly, if Blake had just thrown himself into a giant flame made of God at the end of the movie, I would have loved it a lot more.

I think that's a perfect way to end this movie compared to what actually happens. Sure. But Blake is very insulted by the Cup puppets. And so he walks away and he's not in the movie anymore. Some one of them calls another one a stupid idiot. And it's like, oh, there's no coming back from that. They like refuse to speak. That's it. That's the last we see of them. We are to assume that Blake is like, I would rather be devoured by a demon

than share a room with one who would call me a stupid idiot. And indeed he goes off and does that. Y'all know that he left his family with a cup puppet, right? Family apart, he left driving away in a Pontiac LaSaber with a cup puppet strapped into the passenger seat. Oh my God. So there's just two of them now. And there's a dark scene with heavy breathing.

And I was like, kiss, please fucking kiss. I want to see these kiss two kids kiss so badly. The legendary comeback on and Justin's just jerking off of the poor little thing that he couldn't see. Into the cup of Blake's head. Why'd you choose Blake and not Jessica? Whatever it's fine. It's fine. Is it gay to jerk off into your friend's cup? Your friend's cup puppet?

I said boycott agreement. You have to stop. You can't you don't get to start the jerking off into another child's head conversation and then cut me off This is this is my own show all over again Oppression I control who talks about children's come Just like Kamala Harris, can I say that so I don't eat dinner with her anymore We don't get political That's about our friendship.

Not anymore. She just ran away. No one calls her a stupid idiot. Oh God. Then they do the Heather from Blair Witch monologue. Yeah. That was so maligned at the time and it mimicked and was in scary movie or whichever scary movie at the MTV movie awards. Here's her. It is fucking Oscar worthy compared to what Nick is doing. Yep. Yeah. You never, you never really sat there and appreciated just how talented the Blair Witch girl was in comparison to Nick.

He's like, mom, dad. So what? I looked at porn. Don't forget about me. Your mom forgot about you two hours ago. Imagine having to explain that at the memorial. Oh my I'm so sorry to hear about Nick. How did he can I ask how he died? He got murdered by porn demons. Oh, you hate to see it. Kids these days. I thought it was meth. No, he done nutted himself out of existence. I genuinely couldn't look at his face.

Something's wrong with that kid's face. I'm sorry. He's a kid. We're going hard. He's not a kid anymore. He's not a kid. That's a full grown man now. Yeah.

And his face is probably... Yeah, but you can't go back to my girl and make fun of McCauley Culkin Everyone in this movie voted for Trump we can say whatever we want about them every one of them At some point I wrote. Oh my god. Justin's tears are like lemonade on a hot fucking day for me Yes or like lemonade on a hot fucking day for me. So satisfying. What did I mean by that? I don't know. Yes. So we end up with Justin running around this church yelling about how God said, no, no, you gotta go go.

First he's like, water, water. Like Jaffee Ducks seeing an oasis. Yeah, these kids have been in this house for like 14 seconds, but he is now like cartoon desert levels of parched. So he runs up to the baptismal font, which the demon turned on to have a drink. Yeah, he does. And to get the drink, he throws his whole body in the water. Sleiling about. And I thought, God's a real dick for not helping out this kid. Kitchen touched himself.

Yep. Well, but when he does invoke the name of Jesus, it ends. It's over. He saves him. And like, can I just say, I would absolutely invoke Jesus first thing. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I am a strict atheist. I'm on a show called Disgaving Atheist. If a book falls off my shelf, I start commanding stuff in Jesus's name, just in case of berries. I would be so happy if demons are real, because I know the fucking cure. I'd be like, in Jesus, I'd be the fucking John Wick of demons, just Jesus name, Jesus name, Jesus name. I'm doing a full back band, you guys can't tell, but it's very impressive. So that's interesting that you say that

because I am a constant blasphemer. I love Satan. And I, so I'm watching this movie and halfway through it, I go to get a drink out of my refrigerator and a fuse is blown on the refrigerator and I have to spend 45 minutes trying to fix it. Yeah. Were you running the Instap blown on the refrigerator and I have to spend 45 minutes trying to fix it. Yeah.

Were you running the Instapot and the refrigerator at the same time again? No, it turns out there was just a breaker behind the stove that had popped and I had to go in there and hit it. Hey, Andy. Yeah. Did you pray to Jesus? Yeah, well, I said Jesus and his turn.

Look, that's what they came back to. I got you, dog. Yeah, I mean, it's the labyrinth ending. He's like, you have no power over me. And the demons like, fuck. Just Satan twisting balls in his hand. It would suck to be a demon if a teenager can just invoke a 2000 year old rabbi with schizophrenia and you lose all your fucking powers, right? Like you're a fallen angel from the battle with God. You got speared through the heart by Michelangelo and fell through eternity into hell. You come up to collect more skulls for the internal damnation and the battle for

earth's soul itself. And some kids like Jubus and you're all of a sudden you get sucked back into your cubicle. See, that's the, that's the Satan I love. I love that Irish folklore Satan where they're like, yeah, I knew it was the devil, so I put salt on his tail and he couldn't follow me anymore. Yeah, he pushed my shoes from right to left and he was gone. I put a penny into my nostril and sneezed at him. And the devil's like, oh, Magora, and runs away. Oh, God.

Someone explain the end of this movie to me or just tell me about it. I don't think I can talk about it. This masturbator throws out a little pornography. He bags it up and throws it away. First, he comes out and he comes out of somewhere in this church and is in the sanctuary. He's at the beginning of the movie. Yeah.

Pastor Chris is giving his terrible speech about side hugs. Yeah. And he's about side hugs. Yeah. And he's apparently soaking wet. Yeah. And his friends are like, fuck you. Why did, okay. Yeah. So it turns out the movie never happened. But he has a video.

I mean, he's holding the camera. Yeah. Think about that, won't you? I don't want to. I don't want to think about this. Released from the pocket dimension. See? Think about that, won't you? I don't want to. I don't want to think about this. Released from the pocket dimension. See?

See? See how this is all coming together? No, I honestly don't. No, listen to my stupid theory about this dumbass movie. This is, I think this is Dr. Strange in that multiverse thing that just happened. Ooh. I don't know. I didn't, I didn't see it.

I also, I saw it. Yeah. Oh, is it this? Is this what happened? It is actually the lock in it's we're they're not talking about it because nobody wants to spoil it. But they start Dr. Strange and then Benedict Cumberbatch comes out. He explains that it was really tough with COVID and that everyone's just been having a weird two years. And then he like puts his hands on his knees and pants for a little while. And then they just show the lock

in and everyone goes He doesn't go y'all. I was a this is how Benedict Cumberbatch talks y'all. I was a chronic masturbator And so we just remade the lock-in with a two hundred and fifty million dollar budget I'd like to share the words of Jesus Christ with you. My friend Martin Friedman cheated on his wife a whole bunch. That man's God. You leave him alone. Read a Tumblr, my guy. I can't. There's no boobs. I can't see it.

Someone please Photoshop some boobs under the tumbler about Martin Friedman's affairs. Wait, Martin Friedman or Morgan Friedman? Martin Friedman. Morgan Friedman fucked his granddaughter, which is weird. Fuck! Hey, how was having Eli on the podcast? Well, it was like 38 minutes.

He just listed all the fucked up shit about celebrities he knew knew so not great. Not sure if he disassociated past his time. He's their own killed her dad. I have a bunch if you guys want to go through that one. I didn't know. True story. killed her dad killed her dad. Wow! Her dad sucked and was whacking her and she shot him.

Shit! And then the mom was like, ah, it was me. But then later on she was like, it was actually me. Aww. That's not a terrible thing. Yeah, it's good for her. I'm proud of her. Talking about terrible things.

Now I feel sad and... JD, do you want to move on to the ratings phase? I guess. Uh, I... oh god. Do you want to go first? Would you like Eli to go first? I pointed at a computer that I can't see anyone on. I think since you've brought it up, you can go first. Oh, okay.

I'm going to go with a classic. This movie gets a go first. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go with a classic. This movie gets a hand turkey. Okay. And the palm of the turkey is Harry. Oh, I like it a lot. Thank you. I like it a lot.

Katie. I was going to give this a non-numeric rating, but since I should have gone first, because you just did it. Yeah. I'm gonna give it Hmm. I'm going to give it, um, the 16 years of my life that I lost to Catholicism.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Better than the Catholic Church. Eli. I'm going to give this four out of five dirty porn magazines. No, are they just covered in dirt because they were in a dumpster? Yeah. OK. Well, four out of five of them are the five fifth one pristine and the name of that magazine boy come annual

sirens I think I hear sirens. I'm genuinely worried about my job. Why would you invite me on the podcast? You know my podcast. I listened to all the Atlas shrugged episode and there was not this much talk about boy. There probably was, but my co-hosts were sensible enough to edit it out. I'm sorry. I've created so much work for you.

Oh, no, it's staying. The boy comes stays. That's the name of Robert Evans. Yes, the Robert Evans sequel. Boy comes stays in the picture. Eli, thank you so much for being a guest on the podcast. Can you tell people all the places they can hear you? Yeah.

So if you want to hear us make fun of terrible Christian movies with a medium amount of boy come references, you can listen to God awful movies, wherever you get your podcasts. We also have a new show called the scathing atheist a show where we make fun of Wikipedia articles called the citation needed a different news show called the skeptic rat. And we now have a D and D actual play podcast called D and D minus. You check that all out.

Wow. That's awesome. That's a lot of stuff. That sounds amazing. To many podcasts. I love it. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks so much for having me.

Yeah. Well, that was fun. It was so much fun. Do you want to do another movie next week? I do. What should we do? Let's do an In Peacock now film. In a theatres?

And in theatres. What is it? It's called Fire Stata. He's a fire Stata. How many times will I say that? I don't know. Listeners send in your bets on how many times Katie will say Fire Stata. That's a great idea.

I won't look at them, so I won't know. And then I'll do it every time I feel the urge. And then whoever wins gets to pick a movie. Price is Right rules closest without going over. OK. Send those to werewolfambulance at gmail.com. I love that. And I will compile a list of everyone who sent in guesses.

It won't be hard for me to not look at the email, because I'm not going to look at the email because I'm not gonna look at the email. So we're gonna do Firestarter. Firestarter. Thanks so much for Eli being a guest on the podcast. Oh, that was so fun. Return to guest-a-sodes. Return to guest-a-sodes.

We got some other people we gotta line up for guest-a-sodes. It's true, it's true. The world is healing, where will Famulence is doing guest-a-sodes again? We just got really, really lazy for a while. Sure. We just got really into ourselves. Remember the time we did Titanic without actually watching the movie Titanic?

No, we each watched part of it. It was grand. Well, the first, no, we did two full episodes. The first one we did what we thought Titanic was about, and then the second one was Corrections and Omissions. Yeah. We're fucking geniuses. Wait, did we watch it like one quarter?

Yes. One quarter? Yes. That's so fucking funny. That's, I'm just gonna repost those. We are something level geniuses. I mean, it might be the ground. Zero is a percentage.

Zero is a percentage. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And on that note, find us on the internet. Thanks for being a patron to everyone who's a patron. Yeah, patreon.com backslash werewolfambulance. You can support us there or you cannot because this is free. And.

Tpublic.com. Yeah. I don't know. Go bucks. Oh God, they're losing currently to the worst team in baseball. Thanks for listening to another episode of Werewolf Ambulance.

Bye. Bye. Empty. Clear. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, Give him clouds and let the face Kill him and let him out of his space I'll do it on gas in case Please make eye contact and you're brave

EMT I wrote a comedy with his hungry Brian From Wayne's and Stephen King EMT We live deliciously by temperature So we sleep on two daddy EMT We live deliciously by temperature's obese We sleep on two-day A paranormal act continues

From Mr. Rogers to the EMT EMT