Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Vacation Episode- Face/Off (1997)

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

This week we're taking a little break. Rather than record a new episode, we sat on our porch studio and ate ice cream cake instead and frankly, we needed it. We're not leaving you with nothing though! We hope you enjoy this episode that was previously available only to our Patróns on our action movie podcast: the absolutely batshit film "Face/Off." We'll catch up with you next week when we discuss the first half of a double feature which will encompass our next two episodes-- "Planet Terror" of "Grindhouse." Have a good week, EMTs!

I realized when I started watching this that I don't think I've ever seen this movie and it's bad. I'm Cajun Dantravulta made a movie and it's bad, hey! I realized when I started watching this that I don't think I've ever seen this movie before. I had certainly not and there I am non-plussed by it. I'm gonna need this. It's walking that you haven't seen this. I've seen parts of it because there's definitely things that I remembered like the doves in the gunfight and

which is a John Woo specialty. The room where the doves live unfettered by cages? What is happening in that scene? Who knows? It's not me. The answer is not me. But I was like, oh this will be good. This would be fun. Yeah. I mean I'm not a huge John Travolta fan, but like he's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. He's the th. He's the th. th. the the th. the th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho's is not is not the thoes is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is not is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. the the the the the the. the is not the is not the. the. theeeeeean. thean. theean. theean. theeeean. the. the. the. good, this would be fun. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not a huge John Travolta fan, but like, he's not the worst. I actually find him very unsettling. Okay, okay. Yeah. He is a yucco to me. Even a young, hunky John Travolta and Carrie? Was never hunky to me. Whoa. He feels like a cut rate Sylvester Stallone.

Okay, I can see that. Who was a babe? He was, though. He was. He was. I think I'm more young Travolta, more team Trvolta than I am team Stalone. Gross. Anyway, Nick Cage is nobody's team Travolta than I am team Stalone. Gross. Anyway, Nick Cage is nobody's team. Nick Cage begins this movie by,

like setting up a gun on a tripod or whatever that is. And then he like throws his jacket, his like long duster like jacket over his shoulder, like a fucking magician, like not even like a magician, like Joe Bluth as a magician, you know? To the final count out. Like someone had explained a magician to somebody, he's like, oh God, I can do this. Sweeping movements.

When he's dressed up like the priest and like, stripping dancing to, alleuia. Why were they doing that in like the lobby of an office building? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And no one stepped up when he was groping that woman. And even the people next to her, presumably her friends and colleagues were like, no, just touch her ass. She likes it. You like that? Sheila? Sheila? Is that? Okay? Well? Okay? Okay? Okay? Okay? Okay? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well? th? th? th? th? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toooo? Stii? Sti? Sti? Sti? to? Sti? to people next to her, presumably her friends and colleagues, were like, no, just touch her ass. She likes it.

You like that? Shela? Is that, okay? Well, whatever. This fucking guy, uh, what a cut up, what a card. But you know, this is a movie about, like, the bystander effect, in effect. Because like, even at the beginning when the little boy gets shot, they, they, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. that, that, that, that, th. Okay, okay, that, that, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. Okay, th. Okay, th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the, tha, that, tha, tha. And, tha. And, tha. And, tha. And, tha, tha, ththis carousel. They don't even stop the ride. It continues to run in the background while people mill around. A boy is dead. My first note on the carousel is we see John Travolta annoying a child. Man, that face stroking. You know how I feel about that. What?

The, I was like, oh, John DeVault is blind. That makes perfect sense. He's blind. Of course he is. He's got to feel his baby's face. No, he's just an asshole. I thought, oh God, that's so gross. And the fact that it turned out to be a plot point, like, he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like the the too much. I'm so glad we're recording this remotely so you're not just constantly doing that to me while we're recording.

Just rubbing my fingers down your face. I would never disrespect you like that. Lightly down my eyelids over and over. It is I would not disrespect you in such a way. Touching someone's face is disrespectful. Even someone you love. Yeah, especially someone you love. So in my mind's eye, which is a terrible phrase, in my memory, I love John Wu movies. Name me some others. Well, I'm thinking of hard boiled. I'm thinking of the killers. I'm thinking of like John Wu's Hong Kong starring Chalian Fat.

Okay. And I realize what the difference might be. Chalian Fat is like, imagine if Carrie Grant was an action movie star. Okay. And Nicholas Cage and Dr. Fulton are not that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, certainly not that. Yeah, they are, neither of them is charming and you keep forgetting which one you're supposed to root for,

and then realizing that you don't actually care because you don't like either of them. Nobody, that's not like, when John Travolta is talking to his co-workers, who has blown away that Margaret Cho show is one of his co-workers? Why is Margaret Show in this movie and doesn't even get to say a fucking funny thing? She literally just runs around with a concerned look on her face in every scene. And gets yelled at by John Travolta when she's trying to be nice to him. Oh, fuck it. This is a terrible role for her, go on. But I'm just like, when he's like he's like he's like he-like he-like this, fuck that, gotta get this guy, he killed my son, he's gotta kill my son again, I'm

gonna kill him again and do my son justice, because he's murdering him. I have to kill him, he's like, and get a do-over baby. Oh my god! Alice little sells until they're calling that that kid was when he died, so like they're definitely just picking up where they left off. It's really intensely fucked up to end the movie that way, like it's a happy thing.

This movie is a silly, stupid movie that has zero joy in it. Yeah. Sorry, spoiler. I think there's some joy being had by Nicholas Cage and John Travolta by like imitating the other's mannerisms in like a very funny way. I don't know if they were like ribbing each other with that or what, but it's very funny to me. I read a review from a, RIP, Roger Ebert, and he was like, uh, Cage and Travolta do an excellent job of embodying each other as their the other, by th, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, like, like, like, like, like, like, like and he was like, cage and Travolta do an excellent job of embodying each other as they're playing the other one and I was like, what? I agree strongly with Roger Ebert his head. He's doing their, I strongly agree. John Travolta is doing an excellent Nicholas Cage.

Maybe I just didn't like who they were embodying. No, it's stupid. It's stupid. Also stupid is naming your children Castor and Pollux. What? It makes perfect sense. You like that? Are they twins? No, that's just their names. Nope. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Shit. Is that a reference to something, correct? There were, in Greek mythology, they were the brothers who, they were the brothers of Helen of Troy. Oh. And they, I think they like kidnapped some girls to marry them and then the girls betrothed, came and killed one of them, but they were like demigods. So after that, they would share immortality where they'd switch off between, or Hades in the above world. Okay. Okay. the world. Okay. the world. the world. their. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they were, they were, they, they, they, they, they, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. they were, they were, the. they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, their. theirthat they would share immortality where they'd switch off between have or Hades and the above world, the regular world every other day, they take turns. So there's a little bit of like, oh I see why you did that John Will. Yeah but it's also stupid. But they are Pollux and

Castor Troy. Troy, oh my god Troy, I didn't even catch that. I just explained this to you. I have so many notes to tell you what is already going on? Ew, what is going on? Do you want to suck my tongue? Oh my god, I can eat a peach for hours. Then I thought about like later when John Travolta's in his body and those women are throwing themselves at him. I thought about him being like, I can't eat a peach for hours.

Fuck, what am I going to do? What if you didn't even know what part of the body the peach was? I mean, you can guess. Man, I need a fucking assistant to take my jacket off. I like that a lot. His gang of begotied morons. They do a lot of magician moves, too. They all have goatees and Caesar cuts, except for Tommy Flanagan who has long flowing air. And it's all very silly.

Yeah. I think so he's like a domestic terrorist. I don't know why he wanted to kill Sean Archer, John Travolta. I don't know why he doesn't feel remorse about killing a child. I don't know why he treats his little brother like he's possibly disabled because he doesn't appear to be. Yeah, no, he just seems to be to be to be to be to be to be to to the to to their their their silly to their silly to their silly their silly to their silly their silly their silly their silly their silly their silly their. Yeah. Yeah. He's their. He's their. Yeah. He's their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He t. He t. He t. He t. He t. He t. He t. He t. He the the t. He the the t. the the the the tie. the the the th. th. the th. th. the tie. He's tie. He's tie. He tie why he treats his little brother like he's possibly disabled because he doesn't appear to be. Yeah, no, he just seems to be a weirdo. Yeah, he could probably tie his own fucking shoes, Nicholas Cage. The shoe tying and the face rubbing I felt like we're of an ilk.

Like, let's somehow demoralize everybody that we're supposed to love. Yeah, like, let's give these guys, um, identifiable traits trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait trait t supposed to love. Yeah, like let's give these guys identifiable traits that they keep, like things they keep doing over and over, but let's make them both in fucking sufferable. And let's surround these two bozo's with actors that Alan legit love seeing in things. Who else do you love seeing in things? Uh, Robert Wisdom, the guy who played Tito. I re th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, tho the, the, the' thoe' thoes the' the' the' the' the the' the the the, the the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thean, theananan, theanan, theananananananan, theanananananananananan, theanananananananananan, the, the, the guy who played Tito. I recognized him but I didn't know what Rob.

You might remember him as Bunny from the Wire? No, I don't. He's been in a ton of other stuff too. Yeah. I think he's just a great character actor. I, C.C.H. Pounder? Yes. C. C. H. P. H just love A. Her name sounds like an order somewhere. And B. She did such a great mystifying name. Gina Gersh. Who doesn't love Jee the Gersh? It was the Gersh. Thomas Jane,

your boy in mine. Wait, Thomas Jane was in this movie? Yeah, he's the, the prisoner with a long hair and the glasses. He's like, hey, don't you remember me? Oh, yeah, the cheesy, the c- the ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch. the the the the the th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. th. the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. the. It's such. It's such. It's th. It's the he's the the prisoner with a long hair and the glasses. He was like, hey don't you remember me? Oh yeah the cheesy guy of course he is. Oh for fuck sake Thomas Jane just go home. Uh, Tommy O'Flanagan of course. Uh-huh. The guy with the scars on his cheeks who is also in Sons of Anarchy. Oh, did you watch that? Sons of anarchy? Yeah for way too long.. Really. Really. Yeah, really. Yeah, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th thi th thi thi thi, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, the the the the the the the thi, the the the the the the the the the the the th also in Sons of Anarchy. Oh, did you watch that? Sons of Anarchy? Yeah, for way too long. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and you didn't commit as much as some people did. Yeah. Well, at least for like the show. It's true. But yeah, they're also watched 11 seasons of Supernatural. I mean, and you didn't commit as much as some people did. I'm. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah did. I know. Yeah. But yeah, they're just like this these this wonderful cast of character actors and then these two fucking Dildoes going to clown school all over this thing. Clown school is such a great way to describe what's happening in this

movie. Like Nick Cage sings some lines for no reason. There's a scene in this in which when they're still in their own bodies, Nicholas Cage is basically flying a plane, driving a plane into a building and he grabs a gun right before it hits the building like he might shoot the building. I understand he's going to take the gun with him, but just the way it looks as he sees the building and he grabs the gun like, ah, I will stop it with this gun. Right before that, I have the most confounding experience of this film, which is amazing because there's a lot of confoundingness. Because Tito says to John Travolta, don't play chicken with that plane.

And then I'm like, oh, I gotta write that down, don't play chicken with that plane. And I write, I type it in, I look back, and I look back and I look back and I look back and I look back, and I look back and I look back and I guess that's what we're doing now. What happens? That keeps happening. I was like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to to to to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, I to th. to th. to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to,, and you're like, well, I guess that's what we're doing now. He was just, I was like, I guess I should, nah, I'm not going to rewind and find out how it happened.

Oh, God, no. Why does he not just shoot Castor Troy at the beginning of this film? Because he's gonna shoot him with a jet engine and fire him down a tunnel? That's fair. That's fair. Why do... Why does every bullet garner sparks? I don't know. I don't know.

Why does your daughter trying out new looks make you so concerned? Holy shit, her new looks were like, I did my eyes a little different. You lunatic! Yeah, at one point she just draws a star on her face and I was like, let this woman draw a star on her face. Let little Lolita here. Did you ever see that Lolita with Jeremy Irons and her? I don't think I saw that one. I think I saw the older one. Yeah, it's not good. Oh, is it the same actress? Yeah, yeah, she plays Lolita in that movie, like the year before this.

I was like, oh, it's Lolita. Why you got those eyelashes, Lolita? Oh shit, my girl, Lelita's in this. Oh, shit, my girl L'lita's fucked up. That's fucked up. So Nick. that's Nick. that's Nick. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the same. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, theea. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, th a tuttle by a jet engine and they're like, he's dead or asleep or something. He's not here right now. Knock, knock, knock, Nick Cage. I'm sorry, uh, Castor Troy. So... So... They...

Yeah? So, they... Yeah? Explain to me the rationale for wine, John Travolta has to wear this man's face. Okay, okay, I got it. Okay, they arrest his brother, Pollux Troy, and on him they find a zip disk. I think it was a zip disk? Is that a zip disk? I think so, yeah. When they put in the zip disk, they are some super 1997 graphics of a woman being like, I'm gonna blow you up. But then there's an explosion and then behind it are the schematics for a very powerful bomb. I guess. I guess. John Travolter says, a biblical, a biblical, a biblical, plagued LA, fuck! You're like, you are not a tough guy, are you?

So they're like, okay, Pollux knows, you know, where the bomb's going to be. Someone has to get this information from him. How are we ever going to do that? He's not going to talk without his brother. His brother, blah, blah, blah. C.H. Pounder goes, you know, there is one other possibility. One. There is one. One other possibility. Just one. And that is for John Travolta to put on the face of the man who killed his son. Sir? Ma'am? I love that they briefly deal with the psychological problems that might might might might might might that might that might that might that might that might that might that might that might that might that that that they briefly deal with the psychological problems that might come from that. I...

I... Ugh, first of all, your job's not that great. Quit and go work a trader, Joe's. It will be better than putting this on the face of the man who killed your son. And at ORA, CCH founder says, just a temporary trade. We'll just keep your face in some water. Yeah, dunk it in the toilet and leave it. Also, like, no matter that you are significantly burlier than him,

and for you to tell me that they are the same height cannot be true. I love because this has to have happened later out of the movie when the doctor who is just a dickhead the surgeon. I recognize him from a lot of stuff too. Oh really? A lot of things yeah when he's like yeah I'll just take your fucking face off and I'll put his face on your face and then your face will be in the toilet. Listen and dumbass I'll get rid of those fucking thu thu you're a piece of shit. Oh right, he does say he's gonna slim him out, huh? So when later on in the film, spoiler alert for face-off, when Castor Troy has to get John Travolta's face, does that mean that he gave they gave him love handles?

Must have if they wanted to make it realistic. I mean here's the problem like they don't trade bodies they just trade faces and there's some talk about like body hair which is fine but I kept thinking and they still have their own dicks but then when he goes to have sex with John Travolta's wife, I was like, she's gonna know that's not John Travolta's dick. She's not like, oh whoa, new dick, check the south. Yeah, I mean, what this movie presupposes is that all dicks look the same. As we know, women can't tell the difference between dicks.

Mm-mm. Definitely not. Historically, that's never been a thing. This movie presupposes two things. One, all dicks are the same. And two, that no prison guard, police officer or FBI agent can fire a weapon. They have never hit anything in their lives. No. And all d anything in their lives. No.

And all Dix are the same. So as this movie is going along, as we get to you, I'm going to put your face on his face and then your face will be my face. Now I'm in your face. I was like, oh this is the future. We're in the future. Of course this is the future. Ah, no. And then when we go to the prison, because John Travolta has to go into the prison as Castor Troy to talk to his brother, everyone got metal shoes on because the whole prison is made out of an electrobagnetic field. What? Doesn't it seem unwise to give

prisoners like steel-toed boots? Yeah, uh-huh. As you see, when they kick the shit out of each other. Smart, the prisoners seem to get along swimmingly. It's the guards who are the problem, I guess. When they're all doing exercise, their exercise time, which is just them marching in-step in a circle. I'm sorry, an oval, because there's so many of them. Yep, yep, yep. What the fuck movie? What are we doing here? I mean, we're getting mad about that one. There's simply no way their faces would fit over each other's skulls.

Well, as they said, they would temporarily rearrange the way his skull, the size of his skull. Did they say that? They did. They were going to do something to like, on the computer. I don't know if you had these when you were a kid, but I had these things, they were like three different plates that you'd put into a holder, and then you put a piece of paper over top and rub it with a crayon to make drawings. Sure. And they basically did that with John Travolta's face and like the chin one just made his chin smaller just made it smaller just I did see his face get so much leaner because he I mean

lantern jaw is like doesn't quite cover which hundred vultus got going on do you think they were they just didn't think about getting actors who looked more similar to one another or was it just because these two were just like were they that big in 97? I don't I don't? I don't, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I just, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, I to, I did, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they just didn't think about getting actors who looked more similar to one another or was it just because these two were just the like were they that big in 97 I don't I mean Nick Cage certainly and John Travolta was too this is right after this would be right after Pulp Fiction oh fair yeah right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so and he just done well what could go wrong to them. He had just done broken arrow with John Wu and your boy the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they they they th. they they th. the. the. the. the. the. they they theeeeeee. the. they the. the. they they're they're they the. they're the. the him in a movie. He had just done Broken Arrow with John Wu and your boy and mine, Christian Slater. Oh God. I wish Christian Slater was one of the characters in this movie. How great would that be to see him doing his half-ass Jack Nicholson

impression? What if it was Christian Slater and Jack Nicholson who switched faces? Why we love that? Yeah. You couldn't tell the difference when they started talking really, of course, the same guy. Yeah, see, this is working for me. Also, the hand wave of, yeah, we put a microchip in their larynx to make them sound like each other. Oh, that's right. And prison disguised as Nick Cage and immediately gets the information out of his brother. Like, you can't, wouldn't you think that the two of them have like their own little, not little language but like, wait, like, you couldn't, you couldn't just put my face on and go talk to my cousins and they would not know it, you know, you don't think? You don't? You don't think so? You don't think I could just put your face on my six foot two frame

and walk into your, because he'd get rid of my love handles and walk. Sure, okay. And you're like, hey, um, Celeste, Celeste, bro? Bro. And Celeste is like, what antidepresent are you on? And I'm like, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you, you don't, you don't, you don, you don, you don, you don, you don, you don, you don, you don, you don, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't like, I don't like, I don't think, I don't know, like, I don't know, like, like, I don't know, like, think, think, th thi, I don't know, I don't thi, I don't, I don And Celeste is like, what antidepressant are you on? And I'm like, I don't know! Wait, I'm not there. Never mind, it's you. Zoloft. Wrong, it's Symbalta, and everyone knows it. I did know it was Symbalta, but I didn't want to out your Simbalta. I talk about it on the show all the time, it's Symbalta and everyone knows it. I did know it was Symbalta, but I didn't want to out your Symbalta. I talk about it on the show all the time, it's a god-send. As is Olaf from me. Aren't you guys got your paying to hear us talk about our antidepressants? So the prison is named Aeroon.

Uh-huh. Is that a reference to something? Oh, it's nowhere backwards! It's either where it spelled backwards. Which the warden makes sure to go, you're in nowhere. You're in nowhere. You look like you might vomit.

So you look like you might vomit. That sucks. Oh, fuck me. You're an arrow wand, am I? Stupid. That's worse than nilbog being goblin spelled backwards. You're an arrow wand, am I? Stupid. That's worse than nilbog being goblin spelled backwards. At least they had the decency to point that out.

They did, they did. So to get out of prison, John Travolta causes a riot. No, no, this is just when he's fighting somebody and he's just going, I'm Castor Troy, I'm Castor Troy, I'm Castor Troy, I'm Castor Troy, I'm Castor Troy, I'm Castor Troy, Mothuckers, like getting into the role as he's in this knockdown, drag out fight. He's, but he's in this knockdown, drag out fight. Oh, what an idiot.

And then the real Nick Cage wakes up, and he has no face because they just left him with like an open festering wound, I guess, which is like, so unethical. This whole thing is very unethical. Your eyes would dry out. Yeah. Because although he does have eyelids when we see him talking to the doctor without his face, and I was like, well, did you leave John Travolta his own eyelids? No, you didn't, because I saw you pull the fucking eyelids off the face. Maybe.

So one of them has two sets of eyelids and one of them has none. That's weird. That's their they're shooting him from behind because they're not with no face and smoking a cig with no face. I would like to see it. And he's doing this like this voice that he thinks he would sound like if he didn't have a face. He's like, ah, skagggin, I'm not fresh. He just sounded like James Cagney. Fresh and go on. Put my face back on. It's so too, but he's smoking too. How do you smoke without lips?

Where did you get cigarettes? He always says cigarettes. He's always got him. He's always got smokes. I guess. Every time he meets somebody, they hand him a box that's got pills, to joints, two handguns, chicklets and cigarettes in it. Yep. joints, two handguns, chicklets, and cigarettes in it. Yep, yep. So they bring in the doctor and the doctor's going, what do you want? And so what do you fucking think he wants, guy?

He has no face and you're a face doctor. So they just slap that face on him. When we see the flashback to them burning down the clinic post facial reconstruction or facial replacement I guess. Which a rue is what it's called I believe. Thank you. And they're burning Tito and C.C.C. Pounder as well when did they get there? When did you get them there? When did they get there? How did you get them there? How did you get them there? How did you get them there? How did you the the their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the, when did they get there? When did they get there? How did you get them there? How did you know they were the only people who knew? How do you know he didn't tell Margaret Cho?

Just like in passing. Although, that dickhead doctor, we was like, please, these actually makes a lot of sense. But it also like, couldn't he have just kept them in prison somewhere because or at least the doctor because you think you want your own face back at some point? Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. Especially when the first thing you do is make fun of the face that you have as your new face. Yeah. Wouldn't it be so weird to see your real face to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th face to th face to th face th face to th face to thi face thi face thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the thi thi to know to know to know to know to know to to to th, th, th, th, th, tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th th th th th th th the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the to know to know the if to to to to theeee if to to to to to to thee if the if the if the the the th first thing you do is make fun of the face that you have as your new face. Yeah. Wouldn't it be so weird to see your real face talking? I like went down a little bit of a rabbit hole meltdown about how I've never actually seen my own face. You know?

What do you mean? Like you've only ever seen a reflection? I've seen it in photos or in mirrors, but I've never seen my own face, you know. Right, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiii, ta, ta, ta, thi, thi, thi, I've you know. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Think about it, you've never seen your own face. No, I have not. Are you okay? Because I was not okay when I realized that. Yeah, I mean, just the moral implications of this film on like, profound levels. The ethics, the morality, the like philosophical conundrums, the lack of any need for healing time.

No. They just shoot you with lasers where they cut you. Right, well he says we have better anti-inflammatories now. This is better than I have your proven. It's lasers. We got laser inflammatory. It's laser inflammatory. Laser inflammatory. Got it. Okay. So we're, yes, we see these, the knockdown, drag out fight, where seemingly we have the, um,

fast and the furious moment where it's like, you've earned my respect. Yes. Yeah. Do you think that screenwriters really write lines for Nick Cage to say three times or do you think he just does that on his own? Because there's several times in which he just says a line three times. I think he's ramping up assuming the director will cut two of them. Gotcha. And then they don't. No. No. Oh, he must have wanted to say, the bees 15 times. How to get burned? How do you get burned?

Whitehouse on one, it's the president. Oh, it's the gift shop attendant. You pick it up. Sir, we've got some mail for you. It's, it's.the gift the gift shop attendant is calling you. You pick it up. Sir, we've got some mail for you. It's... I love the fact that when he goes to work as John Travolta, Sean Archer, forgive me. He's nice to everybody and they're like, what the fuck? Who the fuck is this cat? Right? And he gropes the one woman who works in the office, and she's like, well, maybe. Yeah, she's been like, I've been waiting for this.

This ass isn't gonna grab itself. I guess that's after he's like the hero for diffusing the bomb, so like maybe everybody wants to fuck the guy who defuse the bomb. I guess, is that a thing a that a that a that a that a that a th th He's tiny man of the year, or we're told later. I found that to be very weird. Also, I would think that he would have gotten a phone call about that and not found out. Yeah, it seems like they would have probably taken a photo. There are also parts in this where he's, John Travolta, is being Nick Cage. And he's doing it like a little bit Ace Ventura-e, which is like really hard to watch. He gets like the bug eyes and he's like, yeah, yeah. Terrific or whatever it is that Ace Ventura says.

Smoking! Yeah, that's it. I want the reality to believe to be that you don't remember Jim Carrey's name and think he is Ace Ventura. You will. Oh, fuck. You know what I meant, though. Here I have a note that says, I would recognize a different man's dick. Oh, here, here's my, I knew I had a note about the Fast and the Furious.

I said, I, uh, uh, you know, a prison break scene is pretty cool, but I feel like after seeing the fate of the Furious, nothing will ever impress me again. Sure, sure. My load has been blown. I will, speaking of that movie, I was like, oh man, I was a lot harder on that movie that I needed to be, because look at what I'm the the th I'm what I'm the movie than I needed to be because look at what I'm watching right now. Seriously, action movies have definitely gotten better. And I feel like this was a heyday of action movies, right?

For sure. And this was like, John Wu was the shit at this period of time. And I mean, people loved this movie. Yeah, yeah. They were wrong. I couldn't believe th th th th th th th th th tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha that that that that that that that that that that thate thate that that thateateate thate thate thate that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. I that. I that. I that. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. thatea. thatea. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha couldn't believe how wrong they were. Can I tell you what one of my favorite scenes in this movie is? Yeah. It's where Nicholas Cage breaks out of prison, runs through a door, sees daylight and realizes he's on like a helipad on a roof.

Sure. And he starts running around the roof, and it's like, clearly it's going to be a stuntman, but they didn't even bother to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like to like, to like, to like, to be to be to be the roof and it's like clearly it's going to be a stunt man but they didn't even bother to like give him the same hair he has like long floppy lot like this movie's about switching faces and they couldn't even cut the stunt guy's hair or give him a wig you don't cut Ricky's hair extremely Ricky and extremely not Nicholas Cage there's there's definitely points later where John Travolta's stunt guy is fighting and stuff and

his hairlines way further forward than John Travolta is. Yeah, I love that like, because that would be heartbreaking to break out of your prison and realize that you're out in the middle of the fucking ocean. His cure for that is a light swim into shore. Yeah I mean I assume that Aeroon is pretty far out there. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. It's so stupid. And then we see John Travolta, as Nicholas Cage as John Stroke's face. And I was like, how does he know about his face stroking habit enough to do it to Margaret

Cho? Oh, don't he, he was watching him while he shot his son and he stroked his son's face. Oh, okay. Because the implication then being from that that whatever you do to your five-year-old is what you also do to your subordinates. Your subordinates, your wife, your teenage daughter, a taxi driver. The checkout person at the John Eagle. Thanks for begging my groceries. She were up.

Did you have the same brahma I did where I didn't know who the fuck I was taking a note about after a while? Because it's like John Travolta, Nick Cage, Travolta, fuck, I don't even know who's what and who's who anymore. And it points it just doesn't matter. The movie needs you to know at him and is immediately like, ugh, my heart, ugh, my heart. And John Travolta's thing is, well, I guess I'll just kill this guy right now.

Yeah, he had a heart seizure. Is that a thing? Do you mean heart attack? Also, like, that guy's death is such a plot point in this movie. He's in two scenes. They bring him in once at the beginning and then once to die. It seems like he should have been somebody I was very familiar with as playing the cranky old police chief.

In both of those scenes, he like kicked open the door and was like, Archer! Like, such a cop. So, we've got, is this where we've had the whole like scene where we go back to the bald guy's house with the drugs and the Gina Gershon and this is where we meet Adam. Okay yeah and we're told that if she gets in trouble that social services is going to take him away but like maybe they fucking should he's just rolling around in a house full of drugs and guns. Maybe it's not a great environment for a five-year-old. You don't think when there's a gun fight and someone's like just put him in the middle of the room he'll be fine.

No, I don't. Also that guy, they were brother and sister, right? The bald guy and Gina Gershon? Yeah, the one that they, when they make out briefly for a little while, yeah. Why do they make out? I don't know. They were taking a page on a Dracula 2000. Seriously, like don't open mouth kiss your sister. Is that too much to ask? I mean, gonna be a prude, I guess, but whatever. This scene is very weird because they like, this is the only one where they try to inject any comedy into the entire thing, where like, the place is getting destroyed. And the bald guy just goes, damn, my place is getting fucked up. One, I see that, too, is that a joke? He also looks like Mr. Klee to the zoot suit, and it's fucking hilarious.

His wardrobe is incomprehensible. And then like, Gina Gershon is carrying the kid around and he grabs a gun, and she's like, sweetie, don't touch that and kisses him. Because it's like, now it's a comedy movie, but just for this scene. Also, we forgot to mention in the prison break, um, Chantrovolta as Nick Cage is trying to not hurt the cops. So he's doing like non-lethal damage to them by exploding sulfuric acid all over them. Like, what the actual fuck is happening? Listen, you're not going

to be dead. You will be horrifically scarred for the rest of your life. Yeah, your wife is going to leave you and your children will never look upon your countenance again, but like, thanks! And in this one he's just like shooting all the cops in the knees. Yeah, right. Which, whatever. And the one cop, who I know from that big love show, he was one of the Mormons on that, he'd keep the guy with like the floppy haircut cop, he like walks in and just starts firing grenades into a stairwell. Sir, don't!

Did you not learn that one at the Academy? Don't do that. Meanwhile, John Travolta is back at the house, fending off Danny Masterson, who's trying to assault his daughter. How prescient was that? That sucked. That did suck. And it went over way too long. Just felt too real. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But he gives her a butterfly knife to defend herself with, which I thought you would actually like, like a heavy butterfly knife use her. I just got the one.

But when he's like, just sticking a leg and twist it, the wound's not going to close. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to, to, to, to, oh, the, to, to, to, to, to-a, to-a, to-a, to-a, to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. the the the they. the they-s, to to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s-s-s-s-s-s'-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, the one. But when he's like, just sticking a leg and twist it, the wound's not going to close. And I was like, ooh, ouch. I never thought about that and I feel like it gave like a generation of people the idea of how to really wound people, you know. Just leg stab it all over the place. Yeah, that's fucked up. Yeah. There's also just a very, very, very stupid scene that I want to discuss at the end of the shootout at the bald guy's house,

where they're like, shall we just kill each other then? And the other one's like, yes, ha ha ha, we shall. And they jump around, but they're both on like a two-sided mirror, just looking in the mirror with their guns like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, I'll shoot you, but I'll be you while I shoot you. Whoa. And then, you know, sparks and bullets and stuff. And this is where the poor, less interesting brother gets killed, right? Pollux. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Let's also not breeze past John Travolta walking into, I'm sorry, Nicholas Cage is John Travolta walking into John Travolta's daughter's room and going harr-r-r. Yeah, he like does try to fuck his own daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, irregardless of whether or not you're trying to be her father. She's a child you fucking piece of shit He is truly ultimately bad, huh? Yeah, it's supposed to be like so unambiguous But it's just laughable. Yeah for sure like no one's gonna shoot a five-year-old in the face and feel okay about it

He's just evil man. Yeah, you should try doing terrorism for hire and have some fun. Come on, God. So, I don't know, it's like, at some point, Nicholas Cage, with John Travolta inside of him, is explaining... It's the best way to put it. It's explaining this to his wife. Yes. And it's like, the scene is like the elevator pitch of the movie, and it's still not going

well, you know, he's like explaining to her the plot of the movie. And it's, it doesn't make a lick of sense. And they know it doesn't make a lick of it to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to thick to to to to thick to the thick to to her the plot of the movie. And it doesn't make a lick of sense. And they know it doesn't make a lick of sense. I just kept thinking brain swap makes so much more sense. Oh my god, why did they do brain out? I'm sure. We also closed over in the bald guy's house when they're like, what do you want to do with him?

And I want to take his face off. I was like, I bet Alan's so fucking mad about them saying face off over and over. And then like other people pick it up like it's like, uh, Ooga, Shaka. Oogashaka. Just like, face off. You guys can't see it, but we're doing the hand motions in our respective homes. Oh God, it was so fucking dumb. I hate it. I mean, I understand why the movies called that.

You need not say it. Why don't they do a brain swap, though? It solves literally all of the logistical problems. Yeah, but then you couldn't have those cool surgery scenes, man. You could though, they would just be brain surgery scenes, and you'd have your own dick. You'd have the correct dick. Not even your own dick. You'd have the correct dick. You'd have the correct dick.

That's the right way of putting it, yeah. It's also just like morally reprehensible that in this film, a woman gets fucked by the man who murdered her little baby. Oh, sure, for sure. And we don't get to see her pain of that. No. She is totally, she is to toe. toe. thiiiiii. toe. to to tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho, tho, tho, thi. thi. tho, tho, tho, tho, the the thi. the thi. thi. tho, tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That's that's that's that's that. You know what I mean? Totally, totally outside the realm of this movie. Everything that happens to her. Yeah, it's like, I mean, the women in this movie are just set dressing at best. And like, she should have this like, cathartic, like, she should fucking murder Chantrevolta, like, without a doubt. Probably murder both of them.

I would have loved if this movie had ended with her having a Sophie's choice of holding both of them over the edge of a cliff or something, like the end of the good son, and then just dropping both of them and being like, fuck it, Jamie and I are starting over. But don't worry, it's a good thing she keeps a little tiny blood collecting toolkit next to her bed, because she just, who doesn't wake up when stabbed? Well, he does, but he's like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just got stabbed, I guess, sorry, bye.

And then I was like, wait, she's just testing this blood? Where? And then it's like, oh, now she's in the lab. I think I looked away for a second. And then she was in the lab. And then he, and then Nicholas Cage was in the lab with her, with John Travolta inside of him. And it comes up as blood type, and she's like, no, and I was like, who knows their partners? Blood type, I suppose I should. I should probably learn that. It's probably a good thing I should know. Yeah, Rob's is A. I'm a positive.

Okay. I don't know if that's true. No, is A even a thing or do you have to be A positive? Or do you have a transfusion and you can tell them, I don't know. I got bit by a Dracula. You're going to need to give me a whole bunch of non-Dracuola flood. What's your blood type, sir? I don't know. Corn syrup. Clean. Red? I don't know. Help! H's corn syrup.

I'm an idiot. So let's get to the denouement, the climax of this movie? Wait, I want to talk about one thing first. Yeah. I want to talk about how John Travolta, with Nicholas Cage inside of him, thinks that his wife is on to him, which of course she is. He goes to the ER to like see where she's gone in the middle of the night. And he finds her in one of the cubicles with like a towel held over a man's face and the man is in really bad shape. This scene, she just walks away, this teen ends and I was like, is somebody gonna

fucking help that man? He looks awful. Somebody do something. No, no, when half of your face has been removed, a tea towel is the best thing to cure you. She just comes over and puts it like has it on his face. He's like, help! She's like, shh! It just says God bless this mess on it, and she pulls it back over his feet. It's funny.

He goes to me with her with like two fucking heavies that are like, I don't, they weren't carrying guns they should have been when they walked into the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the when they walked into the ER. But they were moving like magicians for sure. Oh yeah, there's a John Woo specialty, is it like all coats must be flowing at all times, no matter what you're doing? Don't know why that reads as magician to me, but it does. Well that's because they're doing a misdirection. they're watching the coat and their hands are all over the place. That's true. Her hands are on a tea towel with pictures of lemons on it, it says Carpace Squeeze them. Oh man, oh man.

Okay, de numa. Denumami. So we have Victor Lazzaro's funeral. I just love the name Victor Lazar's. I'm going to say it as much as possible. It's a good, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, with thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's th name Victor Lozaro, so I'm going to say it as much as possible. It's a good name. It is. Yeah, yeah, especially for like a police chief in Los Angeles. I love it.

So, we see the funeral and like, as the funeral is going on, John Travolta, who's deep inside of Nicholas Cage is doing prayers at the back of the church? Prayers for his son maybe? I don't know. He is a photo of his son. Yeah. He has one of the altar boys bring to John Travolta in the middle of the service, like an altar boy would fucking do that. I'm a messenger from God. He hands him the photo of the kid and he crumbles it up and throws it on the ground. Cut to everyone is gone from the funeral and it's just the two of them. And the doves, don't forget the doves.

What do you think? The unencumbered doves. I love it when we go outside, there's pigeons. We couldn't bring the doves. They're all inside. They are precious. And they only leave the cage and then return to the cage. They're not going to sit there for you. Listen, Commissioner Lozaro had one request and that was a fuck ton of doves at his funeral. Can you actually, I know I've had a lot of requests for my funeral proceedings over the years, particularly on this podcast. Can I add one more?

Yeah. I want you to release a bunch of pigeons. Would you do that for me? No, live or dead? Should I just open a bag? I think it's gonna be, like, if you can get some baby pigeons and then some like, you know, adult pigeons and then some dead pigeons, and it'll be like, the circle of the idea of opening a baggage pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi big th... th. th. th. the th. th. th. the th. th. th. I thin, thin, thi, thi, the thi, the thi, the thi, the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to release, to release, to release, to release, to release, to release, to release to release to release to release to release to release to release to release to release to release to release. I to release to release to release to to th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th in thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the thin, thin, the the the the the their theeeee. I thoooooooooooooooooooo. I to to to to the. pigeons and it'll be like the circle of life. I just love the idea of opening a bag and throwing it. It's just a bunch of dead pigeons. Why are they in a bag? What kind of bag? Like a garbage bag or like a trade or a trade or a trade or a

trade or a trade or a trade joas sack of a cloth sack of dead pigeons? or something classy or like a sack over your shoulder like a yeah like I'm sandy claws A sandy claws sack of dead pigeons. Yes, put it down for my funeral Funeral. I need to start a go fund to me for my funeral expenses because it's going to get costly. Especially when they have to cut the power and drop my body from the ceiling I thought you're the cut the power and then they turn it back on you're sitting next to your your your your your your your your your your your your your your to your the to your the to your the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the my body from the ceiling. I thought you're the cut the power and then they turn it back on you're sitting next to your cousin. Yeah, but I'm going to come down from the ceiling, aren't I? I didn't realize, I didn't, okay, yeah, yeah. I mean I guess, oh jeez, you have to make sure there's an empty seat next to her. Anyway. And then I want to be rolled out to we are the champions, okay? Can the casket stuck on dead pigeons that are on the floor. Pushing real hard to like ram it over the hump. What the fuck are we even talking about anymore? I think we both need to have our face.

Oh! Sorry. I hate it so much. Now let's get to a part of the movie I ostensibly should have loved. No, we didn't even talk about the finale. Wait, I was going to talk about the movie I ostensibly should have loved. No, we didn't even talk about the finale. Wait, I was going to talk about the speedboats. It doesn't matter. Oh right, so there's a big gunfight. There's a pigian kicking that happens. And like you're like, oh, well, this is going to be the end of it. Now, he just gets stabbed, and then, their their. their. their. their. to just, to, their. their. to, I. to, I. their. to. to. their. the to. the the the the the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the f. to. to. the f. the f. the the tho. the tho. the tho. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thi. thi. thi. thin. thin. thin. thin. toomea. toooooooooooooooooooo. ta. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. been on for two hours and literally everyone who's still alive in the movie is there and they're all pointing guns at each other, you're like, this is the final

scene. No, it is not. Katie, I know shit pause this movie multiple times and I always had an hour left. It's a fucking vortex. I do not get it. No matter when I pause it, it was like, this has got to be almost, there's an hour left? Oh, John, what did you do? Oh man, killed Gina Gershon.

Tina Gershon died the way she would have wanted to die though. Just in a rabid gun fight with her son being taken away by a bald man. Laying on top of Nicholas Cage. She was having so much fun. She was th. She to to th, to th, th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th th th th th th th thi, I th thi, I thi, I do thu thu, I th th th th th th th th th th thu, I thu, I thu. I thu. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I I I I I I I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th th th th th th th th the I do the the the the the to to to to to to to thoooooooooooooooooooooo the tho tho the away by a bald man. Laying on top of Nicholas Cage. She was having so much fun shooting those guns. She did look like she was having a lot of fun. That's nice. I like Gina Gershon. I'm for any movie where Gina Gershawn looks like she's having a lot of fun. Yeah, we should all try to have more fun like Gina Gershon. There's seriously like a higher body count in this movie than any horror movie we've ever done.

For sure. And they didn't even blow up the fucking city, but they might as well have. Honestly, the death toll for how this all shook out was probably worse. There's so many like Randos that are just dying because of this fucking the fuck it is that's happening. Well Robin is racing, Alan, but I think I have learned about myself through this podcast and I think it might have been the weekend at Burney's, possibly weekend at Burne's two episode. I love boat chases. Sure.

I love a boat chase. And when we asked for more movies with boat chases, I don't think anybody said phase off. No. No one remembered that it was in here. How good they had? There's so much other action. They're just doing danger boats. They're flying. They're hitting each other. They're blowing up and then going through other boats.

It's insane. This is John Wu's like 10th movie. Yeah. But it feels like he's like, I'm never going to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to have to put everything I've ever wanted to do into a movie in this movie. I wonder if he like went for a routine physical and they were like, I'm sorry, you have stage four cancer. And he was like, fuck, I'm making my last movie. And then they were like, oh no, you said woo? Oh, this was Mr. Wood. Oh, I am so sorry. And he's like, are you kidding me? I just the boat scene. And frankly, it goes on a bit long. A little bit. You can make this movie a half an hour long. Oh, yeah, easy.

So John Travolta, with Nicholas Cage inside of him, is cutting up his own face. Right, because he's... His face is John Travolta's face, obviously. He's crashed the boat after this fucking... The guy holding onto the chain from the anchor on the side of the boat who's skiing, water skiing next to the boat for, I don't know, 35 minutes? How long does that go on for? I think I paused it and there was an hour left. They crash the boat the boat the boat the boat the boat th tho thoe thoe thoe thoe thoe thoe th and th. thoe th. thoe thoe. thoe. thoes thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoe. thoe. thoe. thoe. thoe. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. thoes. tho. tho. thoes. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. thea. theaa. theaa. theaaa. thea. thea. theaa. thea. the the boat onto the shore, they both like

roll out onto the shore and then they're like, ah, I'm gonna cut my own face off, my face, off, off, off. So then there's like wrestling for a harpoon gun that happens. There's just always just harpoon guns sitting on docks I guess. And while this is happening we get... I'm sorry I want to use this woman's name so that we're not just calling her somebody's wife. That would be Joan Allen as Eve Archer calls the FBI or CIA whoever the fuck John Travolta works for. I guess FBI. Obs. And says I've got got something to tell you, and you're not going to believe me. She calls Margaret Cho. She goes, hi, Wanda, it's Eve Archer.

Wanda. Wanda. Wanda. Wanda doesn't have a fucking last name. It's just Wanda. Which is crazy because it seems like an FBI jobs from all of my FBI television and movie experience, people call each other by their last name. So maybe Wanda's her last name.

Maybe she's agent Wanda. Or maybe she's just like Madonna, she just has the one. So there's this big, fucking fight that they have. Eventually, John Travolta inside of Nicholas Cage shoots, Nicholas Cage inside of John Travolta, as he's cutting his face off with a harpoon gun. And all the cops show up and they're like, hey, John Travolta, inside of Nicholas Cage,

we all know what's you and we love you. Yeah, Margaret Show told us, and we believed her. We let her talk for a little while and it was great. She had information and everything. What a thought. So then they load Nicholas Cage with John Travolta inside of him into the ambulance with the corpse of John Travolta with Nicholas Cage inside of him. Do I say that right? Regardless, you can't spare a second ambulance for the enemy corpse?

You have to ride to the hospital with it? It can't wait. It's dead. And he just looks over longingly at his own face. I can't wait to get face on. They're like, we call the top surgical team in DC. They're going to come fix this, which means that in this world, seamless face transplants are a thing, so it should not actually be that surprising to anyone. Well, they're the top. They know how to use that laser inflammatory thing. I hope so. Oh my shitting Christ, this is terrible. So cut to, I keep cutting, keep having more scenes, more scenes! It says more endings than Lord of the Rings. When Eve Archer is at home and John Travolta comes rolling up, because early in the

movie, we forgot to mention he makes a promise to adopt Adam if anything happens to Gina Gershan because he's the daddy, but he's not the daddy because he's just in to adopt Adam if anything happens to Gina Gershon because he's the daddy but he's not the daddy because he's just in the daddy. Yeah that actually should be called and that should have been the title of the movie. In the daddy. In the daddy now. So he rolls up to the house as back to John Travolta and no one went to pick him up from the hospital. Yeah, he came by himself. He appears to have a significant limp probably from his daughter

stabbing him. She left the wound open. She twisted that shit. Yeah, he just drove with it though, he's fine. And he rolls in and he's like, hey, hey, I'm home. I got something to ask you. Come here, kid. Can this kid live with us? He breaks him in like he's a puppy. And also, what if his wife was like, fuck no, I'm not getting a replacement baby. With the same dumb haircut, we're not doing this.

You're not, you know what? I just don't think this is good for you. But what is it? I will help this child find a good home. What does Jamie do to Adam? She strokes his idiot face. My last note is what an impossibly stupid movie. The movie felt, it seems like they had to give everybody a fair ending. Like, right. You know, Jamie's dressing normally now because she's okay.

And they get another kid and the bad guys are all dead and everything worked out for everyone, all of us, except for like the thousands of dead, but you know, whatever. Would you have been surprised if Pollux came running out of the kitchen with a knife to stab them all? I would love if he did but then tripped over his untied shoelaces because Nick Hage is dead. And as he's stabbed himself and he's pleading out on the floor, the whole family comes over and just rubs his face and credit troll. Including the new kid. What's one more scene, you know?

Oh, for fuck sake. God, that was long. Dude, Betfast in the Furious movie we did was what, like two and a half hours long? It was exactly the same as this, I think. Was it? And it was like clipped. It just goes. It just goes. Just goes. You don't have to spend any time thinking about that movie either. Like I kept watching this and being like, wait. How did she get to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the have to spend any time thinking about that movie either. Like I kept watching this and being like, wait, how did she get to the lab? Wait, whose face is that? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Why are they looos?

Why are they lose? That movie makes sure to do all the thinking? I appreciate that. I didn't watch this to think. And think. And tho. And tho. And tho. And tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. too. too. too. too. to. to. to. to. to. too. too. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. too. too. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe And this movie was like, I'm thinking, thinking, I don't have time for thinking. Oh my God. I'm really glad we don't have to rate it. Oh my God. Just wow, turd cannon would be my rating if I had to rate this. I can get behind turd cannon. Ah, so that's a, that's face off. Next month we'll let you guys vote instead of just letting Rob pick. Well this was the number two choice that we overrode to do no old's part. Well no they were tied which meant I got to pick. Even though the precedent was that ties go to a runoff. Okay, next month you guys can pick so we will get some suggestions. We'll get some choices up for you.

Yeah, yeah, we'll do that sooner than later to Yeah, we keep cutting it really close on these. That's our lifestyle, huh? Yeah, living by the skin of our faces. Off. Mm-hmm. Katie. Helen. Thank you, thank you for thi. Well, th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tooooooo-s. Wea. Wea. Wea. Wea. We'll theycoices. Wea. We'll the theycoices. We'll the the the the the the the the skin of our faces. Off. Mm-hmm. Katie. Helen. Thank you for doing this with me.

Thank you for doing this with me. And thank all of you who support us, which is all of you for supporting us. It's my joy to do this for you. Beautiful sweet angels. Beautiful sweet. Michael Archer, who's dead. Beautiful sweet angels. Beautiful sweet. It's like Michael Archer who's dead. Beautiful sweet church doves. Do you like that dead, that angel on his grave? Because I didn't. I thought it was a little ostentatious. Oh, well anyway, you guys are great. You're better than that Angel. Oh, thanks for listening to another bonus episode.

Not bonus episode, this is a goddamn patron episode. You guys rule. Bye. Bye. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!