What's Your Drama - Cheap-ass Family Members

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Welcome back! Before we jump into YOUR drama Lainey would like to drag me back into her favorite topic: Korean bands. Thankfully, we are not talking about BTS this time.  Our first letter writer is trying to heal the wounds of a recent breakup and being cooped up solo during COVID-19 is not making things any easier. So like, should she, you know, just check up on her ex to, you know, see how he's doing? I think you know what our answer is to that. Next, what's it like to be stuck living with your ex during the pandemic? Ooooof. Not good. This one has a lot of backstory, but it's necessary to get the whole picture. And finally, how do you kick your cheap-ass flaky family member out of future plans? I thought this would be an easy solve, but family drama is always so damn complicated. We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show!     Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay, you're reading again this week. I'm always reading. Yeah, I know. I love it. Well, when COVID-19 lockdown is over, you're going to read for like 10 weeks straight. No, I like it. It feels like bedtime and I can concentrate more

and it's better. You have like better inflections. But can't you just be like better at something than me and just go with it? Oh, that is such a dirty. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it.

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post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with ACAST. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise. so i know that you have elected not to participate with me in my bts obsession oh my god yeah but i found a way for us to be friends and um maybe what maybe we could confront the situation about like listen i didn't really i always wanted to unsubscribe from the bts

text group but then one day you pretended like you started a new chat group without me i did by accident no you but you were like by accident it was by someone else i swear it was by accident how do you by accident start a whole new text thread with somebody it's not it wasn't started It was already in existence. So there was a text group between you, Kathleen, me, and Duanna. Yes. But there's actually also another text thread between me, Kathleen, Kayla, and Duanna. Okay.

So you can see. Also about BTS? No, but other shit. Okay. So when I sent the text that I thought was for your, the friend group, the chat thread that you're in. Yeah. Like, I was just, I saw Duanna's name, I saw Kathleen's name, and then I just thought that it was the one that you were in, and then I sent it.

And then I was like, oh, shit, you aren't in this one. But then I just continued it because the reaction was so great from Kayla. The reaction was so great from Kayla because she reacted right away, and she was like, who is this fine man? And I was like, oh, my God, someone's actually responding positively to my BTS text. So I'm just going to keep going. And then when she responded positively, that's when I went back to your text thread and I was like, oh, Sash, you're fired. Right. That's nice of you.

Let's just get to the point that Kayla is probably really not happy to be on the BTS thread anymore. Has she gone silent? No, she hasn't gone silent. She was, first of all, her reaction to the photo I sent, which was of V, one of the members of BTS, whose hair is my dream. he is like the best perm um and it's so good like I I fucking as soon as this shit is over I'm going to get a perm no you're you're a liar you always say you're gonna get a perm you're gonna dye your hair blonde you're gonna give yourself a blunt cut lies so okay move on I'm going to get a perm a Japanese digital perm is that what they're called I don't know I didn't know they were

digital perm yeah i okay anyway so um she was like he is so fine and she gave me like she specifically gave feedback about like it showed that she was paying attention unlike you who like your reactions are always like oh whatever fuck um well they're okay no one really responds to them but well kayla did yes anyway she's a new thread friend the point is is that i know you and i will never be bts bosom buddies we tried but i do know that you and i could be obsessed with something else together and that is that blackpink is the comeback is in june it was just announced that there's going to be a new release in june it's been over a year you and i are blinky together i will be honest i was oh god you love no you love blackpink could i just potentially finish

that sentence I do like them very much their videos are fucking awesome their songs are so goddamn catchy I'm all about it but I have sort of forgotten about them because they haven't really been on my radar but I'm happy because they haven't had any I know yeah but there hasn't been anything on them really I'm happy to report that I'm on it I'm gonna let me study a little bit let me do my black pink due diligence and then so I can pick my favorite so I can actually be engaged in your one way conversation. We already decided who our favorite was. Like when, when do, do, do came out, um, we already decided that Lisa was our favorite. It was Lisa. Right. Okay. But let me, let, let me, can I expand? Am I allowed to grow?

Lisa is our favorite. And the number two is Jenny. Okay. Well, let me revisit this. I want to make my own decisions. That's part of this. You're such like a, like a Korean groupie force feeder let me be let me be me okay fine I'm into it everybody else should also be blinks with us because yeah if you don't know just listen if you are a woman and or gay there is no way that you can't watch a blackpink video and have get your life be enamored yes right totally totally it's so good and so this is something we have something to look forward to now yeah it's everything it's like mean girls combined with boy bands combined with fashion combined with it's it's amazing yes it's Met Gala it's all of it it's you're right yeah anyway um enjoy Blackpink and yes

come June we are gonna blink yeah all right shall we get into it I'm scared but yes okay you're reading again this week I'm always reading yeah I know I love it well when when no COVID-19 I mean, when fucking COVID-19 lockdown is over, you're going to read for like 10 weeks straight. No, I like it. It feels like bedtime and I can concentrate more and it's better. You have like better inflections. But can't you just be like better at something than me and just go with it? Oh, that is such a dirty.

And it's just such a dirty kind of move. I know. OK, here we go. First one. Hi, ladies. I'll get straight into it. I was in a four-year relationship that ended recently. We are both in our mid thirties. We're discussing marriage and planning on starting a family. We'd even begun fertility treatments and as stressful and emotionally draining as it was, I felt that

ultimately it was worth it. Despite having a great job, my ex, let's call him ace, was always worried about money. And with the prospect of marriage and babies becoming more and more real, he began, he began pressuring me to leave my job for one that paid more. I was kind of hesitant because despite the lengthy commute, I really liked my job and many of my colleagues. With my eye on the prize, however, I decided not to renew my contract and look for something else. We were building a life we loved after all, and I was thrilled at the prospect of having it all. Ha, as if that is even possible. Spoiler alert. So you can imagine how blindsided I was when he suddenly ended it. He said that he came to the realization that he doesn't in fact want the responsibility of a

family, and we were no longer aligned with our life goals. There I was, sans job, hormonal and devastated, left to process everything and pick up the pieces. Not only did I lose my partner, best friend, and forever love, but my best chance at being a mother. I packed up my life and moved out of the house we shared. With a couple of exceptions early on, we've not spoken since because he said keeping in touch was making it hard for him to move on, and it made him too sad. If my eyes could roll any harder, they would have come right out of my head too hard for him This was his decision before I left He hugged me tight told me he will always love me and that if anything significant were to happen

He would be there for me. I don't know about you, but I would classify a global pandemic as pretty significant I'm blessed with incredible friends and a supportive family that i've leaned on to get me through the last eight months Which needless to say have been a roller coaster first few weeks of self-isolation were difficult but manageable but honestly, there's really only one person I care to hear from. Fucking Ace. I still love him and think about him all the time. I worry about his safety and well-being as a frontline worker and I miss him like crazy. His birthday is coming up this week and I'm considering giving him a call. The only thing keeping me from reaching out to him is the fact that he could just as easily get in touch with me, but he hasn't. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I haven't

heard from him why do you think that is not heard from him i mean is it unrealistic to expect a check-in from someone who just eight months ago you shared a whole life with what are your thoughts about reaching out to an ex in the days of covid 19 and quarantine oh she didn't or he didn't give them give us their name actually no they they they could have been pregnant so you would assume that someone who has gone through fertility treatments and it says that they're hormonal because of the fertility treatments is a woman so let's go with a woman right okay so we've got ace and um i don't know what goes with ace spade spade amazing all right spade so should spade call ace well oh this is it's a first spade heartbreaking and like I I think we can all agree that we've heard a lot

of stories coming out of this quarantine of loneliness and how hard it is to deal with all those emotions so to add on top of that like a fucking doozy of a breakup um I'm sorry that sucks um I will say though that I have a really good friend who right before lockdown had a fucking hardcore, hard to the core ending of a relationship. And, um, I will say that as his friend, I gave him the advice of like cutting that shit out. Like, like nobody's business, no contact, no nothing. Because while this is a really strange time and a hard time to deal with emotions, it's actually quite the perfect time to really get real with yourself when you're, when you don't have the distractions of everything else around you it's a really good time to like

dig in on your feelings and ask yourself yeah like why do you want to hear from ace because i don't think you want to hear from ace i think there is some self-gratification of being like if if we talk to him then somehow i'll win him over again or somehow he'll fall back in love with me but like as you said lady spoiler alert uh that ain't happening like i want to be real with uh spade i'm i would bet a lot of money that ace is not wanting to get back together and i know that's hard to hear but i feel like you need to hear that i think too what is complicating things for spade is that ace is a frontline worker and of course like you you can't turn off feelings you can't turn off care so of course you care about ace you want to make sure that ace is safe and

we've we're like we've been hearing about the heroism of frontline workers and obviously we so appreciate that. So that is definitely a complication, I would think. Don't you think, Sash? Yeah, I think if she really wants to reach out to make sure he's okay, that's one thing, right? Because this is unprecedented times. Yes, he's a frontline worker. He's probably going through some really hardcore stress. Only if, that would be the only reason if she was to send a note to him, but not expect anything back and not be hurt that he might not write anything back. Right. That's the clarification I want to make there. And that's the thing, Spade. I don't think, I echo Sasha's sentiment. I don't think you are

reaching out to someone to just make sure they're okay is one thing. I don't know that you're ready for a lack of reciprocation. Is that the word I'm looking for? Is that even a word? I mean, it's so late in the day today. It sounds sort of like one. Okay. It's half of one for sure. If that's the case, then you have to admit and be prepared for a response, yes, thanks for reaching out. I'm good. Hope you're well too, period, the end. But if that's going to send you into another spiral, then you have to be real with yourself,

as Sasha said, and think about what your motivations are. Is your motivation that you're going to reach out and he's going to be like, I've missed you so much. I made a mistake. Let's get back together. than I think that you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It's been eight months. It clearly hasn't gotten any easier. And now we're in the middle of a pandemic and you are alone. And that sucks. We all know people who are alone and lonely and their mental health is not great.

I feel really shitty right now because I have a few friends that I haven't reached out to in like a week or two and now I feel really bad because I've gotten caught up like I've I've been caught up in how busy I am that I probably should reach out to them as soon as I finish this recording. And so I get it. I get that you're on your own. But also, I don't know that we make the best decisions where when we're in a place of like when we're in this kind of place, when when we're in this kind of headspace. Yeah, I agree. I agree. That's why I think that that is that's what I was saying before and what I said to my friend is like, this is the time to ask those questions to yourself. I'm glad that you wrote in. I'm glad that I feel like we're giving you some solid

advice, but now it's time to ask yourself those questions and come up with those answers. You've got time to do it. And I really do think that while it feels really hard right now, you're actually going to get out of the emotional trauma of this breakup quicker than you would have had we not being in quarantine? I really do think like this fast tracks people's ability, not everyone's ability, but some people's ability to move on, process the fucking emotion and deal with it. Yeah. So I hope that, I hope that our writer falls into that category. Spade, that's our advice. Both of us don't think that it would be a good idea. I also know that sometimes, you know, at 11 o'clock at night when the lonely times come, no one can hold you back and pull you back. Just

remember if you can in those moments, be prepared to not like the answer. Yeah. Yeah. But, but instead of doing that, turn on this podcast answer again and just hear us say, don't do it. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for your question, Spade. If you would like to keep us posted or check in with us in another month or so, and good luck. And we're thinking of you. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it.

No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity,

and performance data that proves it worked. Don't fight for attention. Buy it with ACAST. Learn more by visiting ACAST.com slash advertise. Okay, next. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. Here's the backstory to my current dilemma. Long story long. I moved to France in 2011 after a painful divorce. I found work in an Irish pub in Marseille for a year. And there I met an English guy, 11 years my senior. Okay. This is a movie already. Moving to France, working in a pub. Again, this is proof. No, again, this is proof that Lainey doesn't read the questions beforehand. That's all I'll say. What? This is like a movie starring um diane lane lane yes right richard gear okay so sorry we're in marseille we're we're hooking up

with an uh an englishman 11 years older than us great listen just keep on reading it's not gonna be so cute okay we eventually started dating and moved to canne together in 2013 he worked as a private chef on luxury motor yachts, and I found work on shore in the yachting industry. I don't know what the problem is here at Sash so far. This is great. Get to paragraph three. I love the newfound adventure, fun travel, this field of void I was missing in my unsuccessful marriage. But there were issues from the very beginning that I didn't properly take into consideration when committing to a new relationship. What's that they say about hindsight?

Our son was born in 2015. Our fragile and often tumultuous relationship took on even more stress. He did not work for seven months that year by choice and blew through his savings to keep us afloat. When he did work, he earned a great wage and would be away for months at a time. The following year, a few more months of unemployment and finally securing a job on a yacht in Barcelona, he ended up in hospital for two weeks when he returned home to Cannes for what was supposed to be a brief visit. He was put in a medically induced coma for days so that they could get to the ventricular

tachycardia under control. his heart was going crazy okay now i feel like an asshole it was your romance novel going it was then that the doctor inquired about his cocaine use which had likely triggered this that was a major blow pardon the pun he lost his job and didn't work for another few months fast forward a couple more years of stress tension more unemployment volatility a cheating revelation and more ongoing heart issues for him i managed to convince him that he would have a better more secure life in Canada where my family is and where I earn a better living. He agreed that my son and I should still go to Canada and he would follow eventually. We mutually agreed that

we would not remain a couple, but we would continue to be committed to raising our son together. To say it was a relief to be out would be a gross understatement. Meanwhile, he stayed with his elderly mother in England and worked maybe one or two months in 2019. I secured a job, got healthcare, or I secured a job, got childcare, found a place to live, and generally put life together again for my little boy and me, who's nearly four at the time. My ex visited a few times over the year. Each time I gave up my place for him to stay and I would stay elsewhere during these visits. I cannot fault him for the love, care, and attention he gives to our son, but consistency is not one of his strengths. During this time, he also changed the narrative of our

split, possibly in part due to my new romantic relationship and accused me of taking his son away and deceiving him to get us to Canada. I've dealt with his emotional manipulation for years and luckily for him, it always has its intended effect. I feel guilty. In January of this year, we finally got confirmation that the permanent residency application was approved. Sadly, my new relationship ended in December, causing heartbreak that I haven't quite overcome, but that's a different story. He made plans to move to my place in Calgary and he arrived January 25th. It was supposed to be temporary. Originally, I said one month and that turned into two because of course he hadn't found a job. By mid-March, he landed a job in a restaurant that

immediately fell through due to COVID-19. Currently, we are creeping up on three months. The world is in lockdown and I'm stuck living with my ex with no end in sight. To make matters worse, he's running out of money. My ex does do most of the cooking and some cleaning that I'm grateful for. Our son is still in childcare and I'm still working full time, more of which to be thankful for. I've gently suggested that he could find a job in a warehouse, grocery store, or as a delivery person, but he flat out refuses because he had asthma when he's younger. So he believes he's high risk. He's a 48 year old man, baby raised as an only child by a manipulative, self-centered overindulgent mother. Our son continues to be delighted to have his dad

sharing a room with him, but I'm finding it more and more unpleasant and challenging to say the least. My question to you is, do you think it's reasonable and fair given the present state of the country and the world to ask him to be out of my place by June 1st? Yours in frustration and isolation, Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte. I'm so sorry that this romance, this rom-com movie turned into a fucking horror right yeah right jordan peele movie it's a jordan peele movie i don't mean to laugh but so well written though charlotte like thank you for the backstory um the backstory is longer than the question at hand but um necessary for a full picture oh these are the things that i like these are the things that we all need to think about like

last week, we were talking about someone dealing with, you know, getting body shamed and food shamed at work. And so it's like, we keep unraveling all these different things that you almost don't think about when we're all stuck in this like weird time. But yeah, like what happens if you're stuck with your ex in your fucking house for who knows how long like that must be so difficult. So difficult. June 1st. My votes for June 1st to kick him to the curb for sure. You have been nothing but generous and nothing but understanding. And it breaks my heart to know that your son is, as you said, delighted to be with his father, but that can't lasts so long for your own mental health, right? Like that's lovely for you to see

and so lovely for your son, but this is getting bad and it was bad on day one. You know what I mean? I think boundaries are important. How do you, yes, yes. I think you need boundaries. This is a situation where this is your home. He's there every day. I get it that he thinks he's high risk. Um, and of course you don't want to send somebody out there and have them like risk, you know, um, getting sick. But I think this is for you. If you don't set certain boundaries, then it's going to be an issue for you. And then if there are two parents who are not stable, than the person who suffers the most is your little boy. So for me, the priority is protecting your child. And the best protection for your child is that you, the parent who's in the best

position to provide for him, is in the best position to provide for him. Yeah. And I think that's a thing that sometimes we get trapped into is feeling the guilt and the responsibility to take care of somebody and oh god what would happen if something bad happened to that person it would be my fault like i kicked into the curb or i cut this person off and i think there has to be an element of letting that shit go because it's not your responsibility yeah 48 at some point he's gotta fucking put on his big boy underwear yeah and do some shit for himself and um like is this tough tiger mom love that you're gonna have to give him i guess so but um helping him um you know quote unquote helping him isn't actually helping him and it sure shit not helping you

know this like dysfunctional living space that you've got going on so that's the other element of it is like this isn't your problem yeah um yes of course if he is super fucked and you can you know, you can help him those times when it's like super crucial, but right now you're just like keeping him afloat and that's not doing anyone any good. It's also a form of enabling. Oh, a hundred percent. And I say this because I sadly do have some experience with this. I have, I know somebody who is, has been in a similar situation and there's addiction involved and there are children involved. And there were many years of just doing the most to kind of support this person in the ways that Charlotte is supporting her ex by providing and being in the

same home. And at a certain point, that doesn't work because you aren't necessarily making them responsible for their own, um, decisions and their own life. Like, you know, a certain part of addiction and recovery and mental health is, is being able to for sure have support where you need it, but not being enabled in certain patterns. And so, um, because of what I observed in the situation for the person I know, it was really difficult for them to put their foot down and be like, I can't, you know, we need separation and we can make a plan and we can make it work, but I need to prioritize my children, my child in Charlotte's case. And in order to do that, I need to protect me. So to answer your question, is it reasonable and fair given the present state

of the country and the world? We think it is reasonable and fair given the present state of the country and the world. Yeah. And I go back to what you said, Lainey, which is like Charlotte has to be healthy in both mind and body and financially. Like she, you know, we can't all like the kid charlotte and the dad can't all be walking around with a fucking limp someone needs two legs to fucking carry this yeah forward yeah so um i think that's really important is that you know it's annoying that it's all on her but in order for that to go on and continue she needs to be stable and she needs to have her fucking game on and you know listen even if the fucking coronavirus is over by tomorrow he's still trying to stick he's gonna stay he's gonna

continue to stay like yeah it's not like he has a future plan yeah you know like dude doesn't want to leave so um june 1st sounds like a great time for him to you know figure out his life in in the peak of summer charlotte we'd really really love to hear from you um let us know how it goes but You have our full support for June 1st. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Final question for this week.

Hey, Lainey and Sasha, I have a slight issue with my brother and sister-in-law. We, meaning me, my husband, my younger sister, them, and our parents will plan a family vacation several months in advance. Always, they will say, yes, let's do this. And then several months later, sometimes only a week before the deposits are due, they will flake out. Sometimes citing work as the issue. Sometimes cash.

Recently, we've planned to rent a lake house this summer as a large group, and their share of the house was less than $600. A single week before the money was due, they told my mother they can't go, forcing the rest of us to make up the difference. We planned renting this house solely because it would keep the cost down for them. Now that the money has been paid, they've asked my mother if they can come up to the house for just two nights instead of the week. Not offering to pay her and not even offering to pay for food.

Of course, being the sweetie she is, she said yes. I'm infuriated at them and think they should not be invited to the house, period. I understand they want to see my child, but really I feel like they are continuing to mooch off my mother and the rest of us. They've done this since they started dating and have continued. I have no issue if they don't want to go, but how can I continue to plan vacations with them knowing they will likely flake? Should I even bother including them?

How can I tell my brother he shouldn't come up? P.S. This was planned prior to social distancing and is very much up in the air for this summer. We will, of course, follow all recommendations from our local health folks. As a nurse, I appreciate what you are doing. Thanks. Flaked off. Well, isn't the good thing that you could probably in this time probably get your money back because it's probably not happening? Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know. Like different neighborhoods have different standards.

I know. OK, fine. wish to do and are doing okay um so we've got we've got cheap flakies we've got can flaked off yeah in the future plan vacations without them yes yes i mean i'm not gonna bring an angela uh what's my angelo quote in but we use it every once in a while what is that one you think we'd know it by now um when someone shows you who they are believe them also shame on blah blah shame on twice whatever that one is yeah those both apply here yeah like you're getting stung every time you plan one of these fucking vacations they either cheap out or they flake out or both like don't invite them anymore but that's also really weird

because then it's so obvious that they haven't been invited and it's like what are you guys doing next week what are you guys doing all of you are going to the lake oh i mean well strategically you could always have another space for them like rent in and have them in mind right so like get your lux place have an extra bedroom that you don't really care about and if they do decide to come they have to pay up front i think that's the way like i think you should continue planning it with them but i think that you should ask them for the money up front yeah but this is what they're And what, before you even book it, like money has to be in your bank account? Okay.

Yeah. And be straight. I feel like you have to be direct with people like that too and be like, you flake on us all the time. If you want to come to Lakehouse, I need the money by 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Friday. Yeah. I think that's the way to go. You know, instead of like, let us plan this around you, because that's weird.

just be like, Hey, we are, we're booking tomorrow and I'm collecting all the money now. You're either in or out. Yeah. Like, and I don't know, maybe make up something like, Hey, we're booking tomorrow. I mean, I feel like usually one person does the booking, right? Like you put it in one person's name, they do the booking. It goes on one credit card or one PayPal and then everybody pays back. Cause you can't like, it'd be such a fucking pain in the ass to be like, Hey, we're booking this lake house. And then you tell the Airbnb person, you're going to get six payments from these people like it doesn't work that way right no it doesn't so have you ever booked an airbnb before i have a feeling no no because of people's that's not my

jam cells like i because other people's skin cells have been on i just don't like the airbnb thing isn't like my thing but why isn't your thing why isn't it for you why i like i just yeah i i like stop putting your hand out like this, but why no Airbnbs? When I go on holiday, I like, it's a holiday for me, right? So it's, to me, it's, I've waited mostly, I really only go once a year, like most people. And so I've waited so long. So I want to be waited on. Yes. I want a phone call where someone to tuck you in to the bed. Can I have some breakfast? Eggs. And, oh, I don't want to make my bed today. Like this sounds, I mean, now in the time of COVID-19 for sure, I may, this may change.

Like I may never go on holiday again. That's true. So you like full pre-coronavirus Lainey was yes. Full service. When I go away, because also remember that when we, when we, when I go on holiday, I'm still working. Lainey gossip does never, never like really takes a week off. I'm writing still every day. Yeah. So at least if I'm still working, I don't want to be like, I need some room service. Right. Right. Yes. So anyway, but back to the point here, usually one person puts it on their card and then everybody pays them back. So

whoever's doing the like booking and the paying, and I'm assuming it's flaked off. You could just be like, Hey, I don't want to carry this much on my credit card. So we're booking tomorrow or we're booking next Thursday. If you can get the money to me, if you can't, then you're not part of this trip yeah but because he has already set the precedent of sneakily going to mom and saying but mom i know i missed it but i know there's another room can we just come up here's the thing i wonder if like mom is i get like sticking up for mom but mom also you're not gonna change mom that's what i was gonna say yeah i can't give advice to be like so tom's gonna have to eat it. You're going to charge your mom, the mom, the money? Well, I mean, this is what's

happening, right? Is that what they said? They're not splitting the lost funds, not offering to pay her and not even offering to pay for food. So mom's going to have to eat their share now. Oh, I missed that. I thought they all kind of like split the lost funds. Yeah. Okay. Mom takes that on I think so not offering well I guess the the phrasing here is not offering to pay her right yeah I doubt that they're like oh too bad mom like fucking cough up the extra dough like I'm sure they all split it yeah no that's that's why I was saying maybe it's like so you do have two options I just feel like the option that we just presented though will fall back into the same problem which is they'll still mom eats it and they they squeeze like they squeeze themselves

back in. So that's why I'm like, I don't know. I feel like you can give them like maybe you can give them one more opportunity, which we've just presented. Maybe that will like somehow weirdly like that mind shift will like make a shift in their in their actual behaviors. The other option is just, as I said before, don't fucking invite them. Well, this is first of all, if this happens this year, like this question is like, how can I tell my brother he shouldn't come up? So they still want to come if this holiday is happening so i don't think it's yeah it's too late they're coming now like yeah yeah you're done you can't override mom mom already said to them yes but like yeah i don't know what kind of family dynamics are happening here i'm gonna guess that since it's all

like a family going to lake house it's not a chinese family this is not usually a chinese family kind of jam totally because chinese families would be like hey we went out for or at least the chinese families that i know would be like hey fuck we went out for we we spent this much on groceries today everybody owes 40 cough it up right that or someone just takes charge of all the whole thing and no one pays anything it's it's either one or the other yeah but either one person treats everything or what the other option is fucking cough up your money this goes back to my whole rant about people being weird about not talking about money like especially in the family Like you just got to fucking, you just got to fucking rip open that conversation because

it's so fucking weird that, you know, you're, you're kind of all dancing around this. So, cause you know, flaked off is saying here, not offering to pay her, not even offering to pay for food. Okay. So they didn't offer, but when they come up, cause we now know it's too late. They're coming. Why can't you just put it on the table? Like, Hey, everybody owes 50 bucks for groceries tonight.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Can you do that? Is that okay? Like, I don't know what the dynamics in this family is, but I'm just saying where I come from, like, my mother would have been the first to be like, everybody owes me $100. With interest, right? Yes.

But also when we've, like, whenever we go away with friends, that's how it is too. We don't fucking pussyfoot around the bills. We're like, hey, I just fucking spent $300. Everyone owes me X, Y, Z. Everybody e-transfer me this much money. Great. Like, now. Exactly.

And yeah. So but I don't know how it is with families like that's that shit is so weird. Right. So well, clearly it's weird within this family. But like, I think that that is the other tactic, which is be more fucking direct with your brother, which is OK. Oh, you're here. Well, you guys seeing as you guys just like came, are you guys cool to pay for the groceries

this week? Or for the next two dinners or you have to get them to figure out a way where they're like, yeah. So or hey, you go on the beer on tonight. right. Right. Yes. Hey, booze is on Johnny tonight. Yes, exactly. Right. And yeah, like I would, I would think of creative ways to get money, like get them to pay. I mean, but I don't know. Johnny sounds pretty squirrely. Maybe Johnny, like you'll be like, Johnny, you're on beer on tonight. And then Johnny will like go into mom's room and be like, Hey mom, can you give me

like a hundred bucks to get the beer tonight? And I don't know. Then you're hooped. Then you're like, I don't know what to do then I mean if we really want to get like Chinese upbringing then it's like has you know has your mother created this monster of course she did right I didn't want to say it I let you say it but like this is about clearly I don't want to cause family divisions here but is like mom kind of favoring one child and not really like applying appropriate discipline and truth? Oh my God, of course. I get away with everything. Okay. Even in my family, right? Like my sister has had to like break down the barriers and I do like the smallest thing and it's celebrated. Or like I need help. I get it. Do you know what I mean? Like, of course there's always

that like sickly favorite child in that way. I don't know. Then it's just like, I don't think any advice columnist and any advice podcast can help you because like, this is just what's happened in the family. Right. So but those are some tactics like those are some, you know, just be like, hey, Johnny, you doing the dinner tonight or whatever? Yeah. And if and if none of this helps, if or if you've done all of this, sorry, like, sorry, that's just who he is. That's just what he was created as. He's like a flaky Frankenstein. Sorry. But then in the future, when you're booking without them, like, I mean, first of all, ask for the money upfront. And if they're not prepared to pay before you put it on your credit card or whoever pays, puts it on their

credit card, then, then you have the, like, I mean, when you're booking or when you're researching your options. Oh my God. I love that. You don't know this. This is why I had to ask. I don't know how to book a fucking Airbnb. No, I don't, but I do know how to book a hotel. Okay. So it would be the equivalent of like booking, like having two options on the ready, right? One with six rooms. so everyone can go, and then one with five rooms. Yep. And then if they don't fucking deliver, then you go with the one with five rooms.

Well, no, there would have to be some trickery involved there, right? Like with Airbnb, you confirm and you get the fucking place. Listen, I don't even know if this is Airbnb. I don't know why we're giving so much love to Airbnb. Whatever. Just have multiple options or two options of a bigger place and a smaller place. If they don't put the money, if they don't come with their cash up front, then you go with the smaller place.

And then when you do get the smaller place, don't fucking leave a bedroom for them. Just be like, if they're like, hey, we want to come up, be like, I'm, are you sleeping on the floor? Yeah. You snooze, you lose. Because there's no room. Yeah. I don't know. Right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I feel like we're offering different stages of, of like advice. I, this is the thing that like, I fucking, this is very, so it's really strong. but freeloaders are such a pain in the ass. Like, honestly, they're exhausting. Stop freeloading. Yeah. People, I'm sure like a couple of you out there listening. Oh my God. I know so many people who do that. Stop freeloading. They just sneak on in. Do you know the stress you're causing?

I know. To all the freeloaders in the world, know yourself. But that's the thing, they don't know they're freeloaders. Well, they do. They do know. Do they? It's a fucking art. That's why it's like the same thing as when people show up and it's like time to pay the bill and like, they don't have the fucking dough and they go, Oh, I'll, I'll e-transfer you that money. And then they never hate a freeloader. So yeah. Freeloaders must be told. Anyway, I'm sorry that this freeloader is your brother and his wife. Shit. But let us know in any event, maybe this time. If you even go. That's what I was going to say. I don't think it will. So then you have plenty of time to plan your strategy for your next lake house. Thank you so much for

listening keep your questions coming to me at sasha at lady gossip.com and subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts uh leave comments and reviews and we will be back next week bye you've got social dialed in search is doing its thing so why do your marketing results look the same as six months ago that's because you're fishing in the same pond as everyone else Podcast listeners are a different audience entirely, more engaged, harder to reach through traditional channels, and ready to act when someone they trust makes a recommendation. We're ACAST, and we put them right in front of you. Browse thousands of the world's leading podcasts, book host reads or run your own ads, and track every conversion in real time. Same skills you already have, brand new results.

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