What's Your Drama - Dealing With a Cheater and Losing Your Virginity

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Welcome back to What's Your Drama. This week's questions are really good and like, I don't want to brag but I think we gave some actually solid grown-up advice. So let's get into it!First up, we hear from "JJ" who's ready to pop that cherry. She knows who she wants to lose her virginity to but does she have to tell him he would be her first?Then we feel for "L" whose longtime boyfriend just confessed that he cheated on her. She's torn on what to do and how to feel.  Finally we end on another sad relationship situation. "Carmen" asks us to give her some healthier tools to better communicate with her current boyfriend, buttttttt Lainey and I feel like there are bigger f-cking fish to fry. We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm a little suspect of fucking Drew. And also, like, what was so dramatic about the work that they had to fuck? Do you know what I mean? Like, what was so intensely stressful that they were like, this is so stressful at work that we should probably fuck? Hi, I'm Lainey, TV reporter, talk show host, and founder of LaineyGossip.com. And I'm Sasha, television producer and fashion reporter on laneygossip.com. This is a show where we get right up in your business. This is What's Your Drama. All I want to say to you, because I want to see if you're also on the same page. If I say the name Johnny. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Who am I talking about? From Love Island. I love that you know this by the way so when Johnny walked out they only showed a behind shot of him and I wasn't

into it because I don't like when the head immediately becomes the shoulders like his neck I said the first thing I said was no neck right and I was like no this isn't gonna be a thing for me turned around and I was like this is a beautiful face and then his personality like that's that's reality tv gold oh that was like i've never i don't think i've actually seen a normal person like that before in fact there are quite a few normal people on love island this season yeah they seem a little bit more like yeah like you're like oh i see like some personality traits that would be common in the real normal you mean horny great like everybody is so fucking horny obviously down um well that's because they've all been trapped indoors and they're

like but it makes for good but can we just but but uh it's hard like cory's like always like oh fuck love island's horrible but is the first one to put the channel on love island and then i was like oh is it on tonight he's like yep i'm like um but it's actually like like i find that johnny guy very attractive so it's kind of hard and i'm gonna whisper because cory's in the house is like, it's kind of hard to watch that show next to him. Cause I'm like, that guy's a fucking dreamboat. Well, no, don't be so rude. My mother's listening to this, but that it's like, you know what, you know, when you see someone and you're like, you fantasize and like, Oh, that could be like, I could have been on fucking love Island. And that would have

been my match yet. I'm sitting two feet away from my husband. Do you not have that problem? I don't know. We talk about it all the time. He's always like, I'm vocal. Johnny and Jeremiah for me. Jeremiah is so beautiful. Beautiful. I mean, I know that he's not bringing the conversation. Nope. It doesn't matter. Exactly. I don't care. He's so beautiful. And Johnny is so beautiful. Yeah. Okay, good. I'm glad that we agree. So then we can maybe encourage people who are listening to this that if you're not

on the Love Island train you're only you'll be two episodes behind by the time you hear this fucking get on it yeah and let's have like

a little a little Johnny Pow Wow like when you can't go out there's no nightlife or for a lot of us because we're not doing that

you know yeah I yeah it's I didn't know pop that shit to my veins for weeks

and I already loved it last year but now it's yeah me too I'm all about it. Me too. Okay, good. What did you want to talk about?

I thought maybe we would be on the same page and that's what you wanted to talk about too. No. Remember how I had to give you a cuckold education a couple weeks ago? Yes. And I actually didn't open up that link that you sent me because I felt like you might want to talk about it face to face. So tell me what that article said. Okay.

So it's not about what the article said. it's it's become like a political social church scandal so you know who jerry falwell is no okay so jerry falwell jr is like the president or was i mean i don't know what the hell's happening with him right now but um sorry so is uh the president of um liberty university um and so he's a staunch conservative in america trump supporter blah blah blah anyway so you know church values family values this not any other and he um is caught up in a sex scandal with a former like pool boy like literally his wife and the former pool boy the pool boy and there was all kinds of speculation did he cheat on his wife because his wife cheated on him with

the pool boy but now the pool boy john carlo the name yeah the pool board john carlo is saying that it wasn't a cheating situation at all that the fall wells were into the cookhold scene like that was their cake so do you remember you were like you did first of all you didn't know what Cuckold was. And then you didn't know there was a whole scene where couples went and sought it out. Like where the dude likes watching his lady get nailed by somebody else. With the pool boy. Right. And so apparently, and so this is, I, you know, I will forever associate you with Cuckold because. Great. I still can't even say it because I always want to call it Cuckold, but it's cuckold cuckold yes cuckold so now it's become like a major scandal where everybody's like

oh this church dude or that not church dude but this religious leader this like you know traditional family values guy yeah turns out that what he really loved doing was watching the pool boy bang his wife but they're not admitting that i what are they saying i'm not To be honest, I'm not getting, like, the nitty-gritty granular details of all of this because I don't need to know about these people. But since you're curious. But that is a thing. Yes. Since you're curious, people.com has an article.

Oh, it's on people.com? Yeah. Basically, Jerry Falwell Jr., his wife, and the pool boy. Everything to know about their alleged relationship. Giancarlo claimed his intimate relationship with Becky Falwell went on for six years while Jerry watched from the corner of the room. Why is he coming out, though? Why did the pool boy decide to put them on blast? Did they fire the pool boy?

No, because there were all these rumors and all this speculation. And so I guess the Falwells or Jerry outed the pool boy and presented one version of the story. And so the pool board Giancarlo was like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. He was like, uh-uh. No, here's how it really went down. I participated in this while he was in the corner jerking off. Watching. Well, I don't, maybe he wasn't jerking off.

But the whole point is it's a kink, right? Like if you're into a scene, it turns you on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's typically how. And of course, a pool boy is like the chef's kiss of that scene. That's like as good as it comes in terms of character. Oh, yeah. I mean, Giancarlo has I mean, he's not my type, but I can see why Becky would be into Giancarlo.

OK, I know this is really boring and that's like not where we're going with this. But do you know the origin of the word cuckold? For some reason, it's like it mangles my brain because I'm like, what does that mean? Who came up with that word? What are the origins? Is there like a Latin something to cuckold who made that word up? According to Google. according to google it's late old english from old french cuckoo um from the cuckoo's habit of

laying its egg in another bird's nest oh see okay i'm glad i asked that actually does make a shitload of sense okay look we got some sex in here we got some etymology we did a little love Violent, Johnny Lasting. Yeah, I feel like we, all right. Are we ready with questions? Yes. Okay. Fire away.

Okay, first question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I'm a 31-year-old female who is still a virgin. It isn't because of religious or moral reasons. It just never happened. I was shy growing up without a lot of dating experience. I've dated two people, both for less than six months each, and it just never progressed to the sex phase.

Recently, I've met a guy who's in his mid-30s. he's had a couple of long-term relationships and is more experienced than me, as are most people our age. We've been dating for a few months now and things are progressing to the point that I feel I'm ready to have sex. My question is, do I need to tell him I'm a virgin? Either before we have sex, after, or at all. I don't want to disclose for a few reasons. One, I'm a bit embarrassed and don't want him to think I'm a weirdo. I know logically it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it is less common and I don't want it to become an issue to him when it isn't to me. Second, I don't want him to think it means more than it does. My friends are telling me it's a big deal

who you lose your virginity to, but at this point, I just want to get it on to be frank, but it's also not just doing it to get it over with. He's not some random one night stand. It's a monogamous relationship and who knows where it could lead, but I don't necessarily want to marry him. I just feel like it's the natural progression of where things are going. I don't want to create a relationship based on a lie by omission, but isn't one's virginity a personal thing? And is it really any of his business? Thanks in advance, JJ. All right. Okay. JJ disclosed that she has never had sex before. I agree with JJ that, uh, yeah, it's her personal story, private story, and she does have the right

to share it or not but I feel like in order for this to be like a pleasurable union of two people slapping skins I feel like when you're the most honest then you get kind of the best results and hear me out because listen yeah like like losing your virginity can be not a big deal and obviously for JJ she doesn't want it to be a big deal but there are some things there are some elements to having sex for the first time that are just kind of a reality. Like, listen, I don't know how intact her hymen is. I don't know how that shit really works, but like when you're fucking for the first time, or if you haven't fucked in a long time, sometimes blood happens, right? Sometimes it actually really hurts. So in her mind, JJ must be like, fucking push that fucking

meat stick in. It's all good, but it's not as easy as that. Sometimes it is painful. So like in her face like just the anxiety of that time and that the that moment of when he fucking sticks it in like there's gonna be a lot of emotions and actual potential pain so i just don't know if it serves the purpose by not telling him where because if she does then they can create like a better safer um environment if she does tell him like this is my first time no fucking big deal but like like heads up like wouldn't that be nice for the man to know that as well so that he is like maybe a little bit more gentle or you know he doesn't fucking ram it in right away like i don't know i don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about like jj said

and for that reason i would i would tell him yeah he's part of the fucking puzzle too yeah i i i hear what you're saying like for safety reasons for like comfort reasons you know and pleasure reasons. Yeah, like JJ, I know what JJ is trying to say, or I think I know what JJ is trying to say in that she doesn't want to be precious about it, right? Like at this point at 31, and you know, I really like that perspective. I'm starting to really push back on this idea that we especially press on girls that it's a precious flower. Like keep your flower and make it so special. The first experience should be, you know, the sun, the moon and the stars. Like how many of us, even if we loved the person we were with, if they were gentle or they were kind, they were

considerate. Of course, there was consent. Didn't really love our first experience. Exactly. Like it's meant to be something that gets better with practice and comfort. So we, for women in particular, it's built up to this place where I like JJ's attitude, where she's basically it's a shrug like well i'm ready like let's do it let's get it on yeah um so i i disagree when she like with her friends who are like uh my friends are telling me it's a big deal who you lose your virginity to yeah yeah and i mean for those of us who lost our virginity earlier am i thinking about the guy i lost my virginity to i barely remember his name know. Right. I don't think about him ever. It's not a story I want to tell. Not because it was

traumatic, but because I can't remember. It is probably boring. Like so. Yeah. I think that too much value sometimes is placed on that. Yes. Having said that, of course, I don't want a teenager if there are teenagers listening out there to like be cavalier about it. You shouldn't be cavalier about it. I'm just saying that we should remove that precious flower. This is my lotus. Open up. Open up. Or whatever shit around there. Like, let's be as realistic as possible. So number one. So number two, JJ, the reason I agree with Sasha that you do want to disclose is because you're doing it for you to ensure that you maximize the experience as much as as possible right so not you're not doing for anything anybody else but yourself you are telling

him so that you can ensure that you have a positive experience yeah because what happens if it does really hurt and then she has to stop midway through and be like oh like this is my first time like why not just have that discussion beforehand because yeah they're like if you're deciding to do this with this guy you've been seeing him for a few months you know you're not saying that you want to fucking ditch him soon like you want to see where this might progress like isn't the whole point of having this moment be with somebody you trust so why wouldn't you trust that person with that that that information but it's because it also puts him in it also is kind of unfair to him of course it's her she can decide it's her body but it's also unfair to him

to not know what might be going through her mind during that time. Well, good sex is a lot about good communication. Right. So this is a part, this is something that probably should be communicated. Like you can't have good sex if you're not in tune and connected. And the best way to be in tune and connected to someone spiritually, emotionally, and physically is to talk about it, to express yourself. that said JJ the way you tell him is important too and when like the way that you're telling us

with you know without any flowers and stars attached to it is great it's a matter of fact you're not being precious I wouldn't do it and give him time to go away and think about it so let's see your you guys are agreed you've decided to go out that night and you know you're staying over at his place or he's staying over at your place or whatever, make sure that like, I mean, don't tell him right before the tip goes in. Like, and this is if I was scripting it and I know life doesn't go to script, but you're meeting for dinner that night and later on you're going to bone, tell him like as at the beginning of dinner, appetizer. You can talk about it through dinner. He has some time to sit with it. You know that it's going to happen that

night. You build the anticipation. You make it something sexy without like appealing to that gross male ego thing that he's going to like be the first to, right? I don't want any of that either. So don't like flatter him that way. He doesn't need that. But get the conversation going so that by the time you end up at home and you're ready to do it, then, you know, he's had some time to sit with it. And that it's fun, right? Like, yeah, like I don't think it needs to be this buildup to this like dramatic unflowering. I think it's like, this is going to be so dope. Like this is going to be my first time. Right. And that's kind of the vibe that JJ is giving is like, this is going to be fun. Like, let's do this. Um, as opposed to having like, you know,

she's like, it doesn't sound like she's going to need fucking Kleenex by the bed and like, need to like hold herself that she gave herself to a man like I like I like what you said because how JJ like gave it to us is how I think she should get to him and like yeah also so and here the here's the nitty-gritty like make sure you're lubed up you're nice and wet slicked up and ready to go like because uh-huh you know for the first time you just want to ensure a smooth passageway so lots of foreplay make sure that he's participating in the foreplay that's good be ready yeah so also be ready to know that it could just not be awesome yeah as you as you as we said in the very beginning of this is like most people don't even remember their first time

because it's pretty fucking lackluster chances of it so i mean i'm guessing at 31 jj knows how to pleasure herself that she understands where her magic spots are and they're clearly doing thing everything but right like they've probably yeah like it's not like she's walking and they're totally blind i'm just saying like understand where your magic spots are and make sure they're well stimulated so that you are like there's less friction yeah yeah oh my gosh please tell us Oh, not the, I don't, just let us know. Just let us know how it goes. Not to be a total fucking perv, but like, let us know how it goes. Yeah. JJ, good luck. And, um, yeah. Appreciate your attitude and not being precious about it.

Okay. Ready with the next one? Okay. Hi, Sasha. I'm a 29 year old woman in a five-year relationship with my boyfriend. We can call him Drew. We were best friends before we started dating and I've known him for most of my life. We've been doing long distance for the past two years within driving range, spent pretty much every weekend together pre-pandemic and prioritized long vacations as well as we were confident in our relationship. And I especially wanted to use this time in my life to prioritize my career. And my industry really requires I be located in certain places to do that. We've talked openly for 18 plus months that we are committed for life. And once we were able to consolidate our jobs in the same place, we would immediately get engaged. After

the pandemic struck, Drew was able to work remotely full time and pretty much moved in with me. As a really independent person, I've always been worried that I would find it difficult to live with someone, but it was actually so easy. Our relationship was a real joy and we started seeing professional progress in the last few months that living in the same place permanently would be a reality soon. Then comes the bombshell earlier this week. Drew cheated on me with a coworker about a year ago. I suspected nothing. I'm hesitant to get into much detail because it's a really specific situation, but Drew told me after he realized due to management changes at his job that he ethically needed to disclose this to his boss what had happened. He told me through

tears that he couldn't tell his boss without me knowing first and that he has told no one in his life since it happened. I asked for specific details and got them. He said they had a disaster her happen on a work trip, were commiserating at the hotel bar, and ended up in his room. They didn't have sex, but did hook up beyond making out, he alleges, and they stopped at some point. She was in a relationship as well, and they agreed the next morning to never tell anyone what had happened. He says they've never discussed it again. He says he's open to doing whatever I want to if I'm interested in trying to make it work, but he understands if I want him to leave. I'm so disappointed. I wish I was angrier. I also want to believe him. He has in every other

way been an amazing partner and someone I was excited to build a life with. I feel paralyzed. I've told no one in my life what's happening. I'm conflicted on so many things. What if I decide to give it another chance and my family and friends who unequivocally love him now hate him? Or what if they think I'm a massive naive idiot for going back? Am I crazy for considering trying to save the relationship. On one hand, I do believe that he didn't have to tell me right now. I don't think I would have found out otherwise. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do that were I in his shoes and had managed to suppress it for so long. On the other, I find it really disturbing that he could hide such a major fuck up for so long. I'm almost positive I could not forgive

him for a long-term emotional affair. And I've said as much, and I'm quite frankly relieved it was just physical, but I'm also deeply disturbed he could jeopardize our life together so quickly over such low stakes. I'm also really struggling with my empathy for him. He's clearly distraught and my natural inclination is to comfort him. I'm so scared of losing not just our life together, but my best friend who's been the foundation of a third of my life. But I'm also worried about valuing myself and being true to very strong lifelong values of self-respect and how I expect to be treated at any relationship, not just romantic ones. I know this was rambling. I apologize i would love your insight on whether you think it's crazy for me to consider trying

to work on the relationship or if i should cut my losses and run so this person's l okay l it's a i feel for you oh my god i feel for l i feel for l because she really has like really has spelled out her emotions very clearly and um oh look at you you're actually you actually feel for someone. I can picture Elle. I can picture her in a scene in a movie montage and what her heartbreak is. I know you can. I know you can. I know. It's awful. Especially because she thought it was perfect. That's sometimes when it hurts the most, when you don't suspect it and he's the guy. He's the one that you're talking about your future with and then you get smacked with this what's the fucking dude's name again drew drew um i'm having

a hard time i'll be honest with how we're really hoisting drew up on some fucking shoulders that he's like so heroic for keeping this a secret and like he's just so broken up about it and he's like being so understanding if Elle wants to come or go and just like you know he really was really hard on him you know like I don't know I'm I'm struggling with that piece of it um I don't know what do you think I'm trying to not fucking hate Drew right now yeah I I just I want to the secret thing is really bothersome like how long he kept it secret for yeah and how he only felt like he needed to say it because uh for whatever reason because of work yeah so were you saying that he was gonna take the shit to his grave oh i'm so and is he that good of a fucking liar i'm that's

scary to me I'm so torn I mean I think Elle has laid it out very very clearly all the different angles you know she's like on the one hand you know he did it this way and I appreciate that on the other am I a doormat why do I have to make him feel better I'm the one who was betrayed on and then so I mean Elle you've examined all the angles we don't have to really look at any of the angles because you got it covered um so that's a good point sash like what's the last year like been you know has he have l have you sensed anything like was it weirdness she says no so nothing that's what's scary that's the scary part yeah listen i think l um let's be real is probably going to give it a go with him. And I think that's kind of your best option now because

for Eleni and I to be like, fucking bounce, it'll fall on deaf ears. I don't think you're ready to do that. I think because you have empathy for him, because you're this confused, you are going to see if you can work on it. And that's kind of your only option right now is to see how these next few weeks, these few months go with him. Because you'll know pretty quickly if you can trust him. If truly your soul and your heart can trust this dude again, I would have a really hard time grappling with the fact that this guy was this good at lying. That part scares me because for the majority of times we hear about people cheating on their partners, there's always a sense, right? There's always a little gut feeling or something was off or I saw him on his phone

a little bit too much like the fact that she had no idea i don't fucking think l's dumb i don't think l's dumb at all i think she knows what's up so that's why i'm like i don't know i'm i'm a little suspect of fucking drew and also like what was so dramatic about the work they had to fuck do you know what i mean like what was what was so what was so intensely stressful that they were Like, this is so stressful at work that we should probably fuck. I don't know. What does that mean? It was obviously building before that is what my point is, right?

Like, this wasn't a one-off. They obviously had chemistry building before this. And their release to a stressful situation was to fucking blow each other's load. Do you know what I mean? Like, this was building. This wasn't a fucking one-off. There was a build-up to the cheat. Yeah, there was a buildup of sexual tension, right, is what you're saying.

Yeah. I – oh, I'm so torn. More and more I think about this. Yeah, it sounds like it. The more and more I think about this. Here's what I'll say. I think that relationships can overcome infidelity. I've seen it happen very successfully.

Yep. So I just want to put that there. That cheating doesn't have to be the end all and be all and the, like, the ending of love. And especially because these two have spent a third of their life together. Right. So it is possible, Elle. That said, I also agree that I'm not sure that – I think in these situations, we think that a decision has to be made right away and locked in. And I don't think that the process of either forgiveness or walking away and cutting it off and ending it is like a clean cut. You know, forgiveness is fluid.

One day you can decide and be like, I'm not mad. I'm not mad today. But you have every right to wake up the next morning and be like, I'm mad again. and so i our concept i think of like what getting over something looks like is often because you know we're human beings we just want things to be okay again and like we want to turn the page and then it's all over but life is so messy it's it's it's tricky it's not clean cut and so l i i think i i my only takeaway i think the only way that the only answer i feel like i can give you right now is don't rush your decision. I agree. Whatever it is. Well, because it can be

ongoing and fluid, either forgiveness or walking away. Yeah. And in the same breath, like you can forgive him tomorrow and then, you know, a couple of months down the road, be like, oh, you know what? I'm going to take that forgiveness back. I actually don't. Cause maybe you'll learn more information or maybe you will be like, yeah, like this doesn't feel good. And that's why I was saying realistically she is going to have to probably try to stick it out with him um because um it's been such a shock to her system as well like she's not going to be like hey time to pack it up like bye um but i would yeah i would i would i agree with you lady like it is it is fluid and she's just gonna have to see how she feels about the situation and in the same way i mean

there's so many possibilities of how this ends up, but if you do decide to walk away, does that mean forever? No, it could mean that, yes, this is, it's a break now, but could you find yourselves back? Could you find your way back to each other later, eventually, perhaps? like that too is ongoing. Yeah. I hate thinking about, I hate giving those carrot dangles when we're in situations like this. I know. But people can grow. But what I'm saying is that right now is not like, as you said very early on, a finite decision it doesn't have to be on the table yeah no all kinds of possibilities can be considered and on the table so don't rush yourself you know and i know you're asking us like what you should do and

i don't think we can tell you because you don't know no and it's so new it's a week it's a week old yeah but yeah i don't uh so i don't know about the lying skills. Let me just put that out there. Lying skills seem to be pretty professional to me. Yeah. Okay. That's all I'll say. That's all I'll say. Sasha is not a fan of Drew. Neither am I, but I am a fan of Elle. I am a fan of Elle. And Elle, I'm a fan of how you laid out your situation and how complicated it is for a lot of people out there who may be listening and finding themselves or have been in a similar situation like you know on the outside it's so easy to be like what he cheated on you fuck him

leave forever and like when you're in it like how can you it's not easy because you still love is still there right but also find someone outside of drew to talk about this with obviously thanks for reaching out to us but i think you need to like really find someone that you really really trust i don't think you should be telling all your family members about this because yeah that adds another layer of too many voices, too many opinions. But find someone that you can talk to about this that can really support you. Like I'm sure you have a great friend in your life. And I also don't really worry about Elle. We've said that we really liked her, but I also think Elle has a good head on her shoulders as well. So good luck, Elle. I know you're in deep,

deep heartbreak right now. Like it's, I can't imagine how like physically it feels and I'm so sorry. Yeah. Um, and keep us posted if you want to. Yeah, please. Okay. But I'm, I'm, I'm, my heart is sad right now. So I hope this one is a heart, a heart happy one. Okay. Ready? I don't think this one's a heart happy one. Okay, go. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I'd love your help with my dilemma. Maybe with some role playing. Oh, okay. Okay. Um, not that kind of role playing. Get my acting skills out. I'm a 45-year-old woman and I live with my boyfriend of three years in a house we bought together. This is only the second significant relationship in my life, my 15-year marriage being the first. And I'm finding that I'm struggling with some basic practical relationship

skills. Specifically, how do I gently and constructively raise issues where my emotional needs conflict with my boyfriend's? I'm a pleaser and I want everyone to be happy. So when faced with conflict, my first response is to make myself smaller, to apologize and to try to make the conflict go away. I clam up until I can't take it anymore. And then I explode at my boyfriend who is baffled about why I'm in tears and talking about moving out. I know that this isn't healthy or productive, but I'm not sure how to find the words to express what I need emotionally in a low key and constructive way. Here's an example. My boyfriend talks consistently about how he really likes sleeping alone he wishes he had more space it's too hot in our bed with my body heat last

week i said something about the bed being ours and he told me that since he bought it it's his and not mine i'm just gonna i just need a moment yeah i need to swallow i need to my like neck and jaw is so constricted yeah okay okay i just need to take a breath yep and we're back it made me feel… We're continuing. It made me feel like I didn't belong in our bed, in our room, in our house. I'm hurt and angry. We haven't talked about it since. What do I say now? Or what should I have said then? I saved the bomb for the end. Oh, God. I don't know. Am I ready for this, Sash? I thought the bed thing was already bad. Yeah. Okay. Here comes the bomb. after a 15 year marriage where my ex got progressively more silent distant and cold

and I rationalized and tried to make myself smaller and less demanding to accommodate him I discovered that my ex had been soliciting men online and had been pursuing a whole second life the entire time that we were married I felt stupid that I spent so long trying to avoid conflict that I ended up wasting years and years being lied to in a dead relationship I went to lots of therapy, really. And I know that my conflict avoidance contributed to the dynamic that made that relationship last way, way, way beyond its expiration date. But beyond just recognizing the issue, how do I practice the practical communication skills I need now to have healthy conflict with my current partner? Please don't use my name. Okay.

So should we give her a name? Yeah, go for it. I'm going to give you a name. Carmen. Carmen. Okay. Okay. All right. Carmen, lay it down, Sash. Fuck you. You go. I'm still like reeling from fucking Drew. Carmen, you mentioned multiple times in your message, in your letter to us, that you know that you make yourself small. And you're asking us for practical advice on how to communicate with your boyfriend. But I… and not make yourself small and raising your concerns. The thing is, though, I think that that is the smallest way to target what is actually a bigger problem. Yes. And so I don't know that I'm here to tell you and role play like for you how to bring

this bed issue up with your boyfriend. I don't think the bed issue is the biggest issue. The biggest issue is your boyfriend sounds like a fucking asshole. Yeah. And seen. So it's not that you're just small in this situation when you argue, you are small in the entire relationship. And partly it's because you are with someone who has actively made you feel small. Part of that is letting someone, like, you know, I get it. But I get that there are different ways of looking at it. There is, number one, what you allow people to do to you and how you allow them to treat you for sure. At the same time, he like is actually doing that. And no amount of role play, Carmen, I don't think can fix that in him. Yes. Yeah. And it's those nuances, those nuances of

control and just putting, you know, he's putting you under his thumb. Like that's not yours. This that there is no you can't come with a tool of communication skill set and think that it's going to solve this problem with this current boyfriend like the only communication that i want to tell her to say is fucking bye well truly they've been together for three years in a house they bought together. But the bed that they sleep on in the house they bought together belongs to him.

And he keeps telling her that he wishes he could sleep alone in it. The reason why I'm saying this, I'm saying your words back to you, Carmen, because I hope that when you hear them said back to you by somebody else, you can feel like you can feel mad for yourself and totally and and in feeling mad for yourself you get bigger because you've been made to feel small and that you can you can reclaim and remember

your true size if you will and that you're being treated in a way that is so insulting um totally now the question is like we don't know you gave us one example and of course we're extrapolating all kinds of things from this one example but that one example as innocuous as it might be is so telling to me of your boyfriend's character and you know this person better than we do so if you're saying oh you know maybe he can change then fine you know we can explore that but this is this is a big problem it's not going to be about how you address this bad issue it's going to be whether or not you stay in this relationship sorry you wrote into about to us about one thing and we're making it about something else.

But the question here is whether or not. But that's what it's about. Well, that's what it's about. I have to think that like Carmen told us about her 15 year marriage lasting way longer than it should have because she didn't have like the awareness to get out of it sooner. And so Carmen, you did it once for 15 years.

Three years is not 15 years. It's a fraction of that time. Are you ready to pack up and go this time? We want you to be, and we will be your cheerleaders if that is your decision. Well, and that's like, without sounding super cheesy, you know, she's like how I want to work on the communication with my partner. But like, I really do think she needs to work communicating with herself and what her needs are and what her wants are and what will make her feel big, what will make her feel strong

in a relationship. And I know that her past relationship, she said she did the work and she went to therapy. fucking i think it's time to go again and figure out what this relationship represents and how it is sort of a spillover from you know her previous marriage um that ended after 15 years like there are yes as i said the the bed thing feels very nuanced but it is quite similar in the way that they are controlling her and they are like well i guess the other guy didn't control her he just like straight up lied to her but she's in relationships that are not doing good things for her um so that's why for me it's like fuck the noise about trying to like mend the communication

gap with her partner right now she needs to figure out what she fucking wants and lift herself up and become a stronger person so that you know like of course i don't want her to leave a relationship if she's not ready to but this guy does not sound like he's doing anything positive for her life No. Um, I mean, I don't know, you know, to, to have that said to you when you share a home with somebody, um, that bed is like, it's a symbol. It's a symbol of who he considers to be the only voice in this relationship. So Carmen, look at it that way. And I think that the question here for you that you need to think about is whether or not you want to remain in this relationship yeah and it's not necessary it's not about this particular issue and how to address it with him

it's about the whole game totally um and we're i'm sorry your letter turned out to have this answer um but we would love to hear from you i think she i think she wants this answer you know what i mean she wrote to us and I think almost like for a cry for help and also to like give us the backstory of her past relationship. Like I think she knows what she was writing us for, to be quite honest. It wasn't for like a shits and giggles role play. It was like, am I in a fucked up relationship again? And the answer is yes. Yes. Yes. He's a douchebag. Totally. I'm vibrating with anger for Carmen. I know. I'm so fucking, like, how do you even say that? And it's so, well, what's so interesting, right, is like the last letter we were like, yes, give it a go. He like used and

abused you in a way, but like, you know, suss it out and see how you feel. But it's so interesting that something that seems so like flippant, like, oh, like he doesn't want me in his bed. He said that his bed is his, is like so much bigger than that. And it says so much more than that. And it symbolizes like such a fucking fucked up power dynamic that that to me is like dangerous. That is so much more dangerous to me than someone cheating on someone in a way. You know what I mean? It's like mind warfare shit. Don't like that shit. And you know what, Sash? You're right about Carmen. She's giving us all this context for a reason. So Carmen, if that's what you wanted to hear, then like, we're fully behind you. It's time to make yourself big, make yourself

the biggest you've ever been. Puff yourself up. Like, you know, stand up tall, get up, like get up. Um, and, and take back your bed. Fuck. Totally. Yeah. If this ends like you better be taking that fucking bed and lots of money on a new bed and then we'll take the bed burn it and buy yourself a brand new one carmen give us give us an update if you can thanks for sharing that with us um and thanks to all of you for listening and uh for sending us your questions and being vulnerable yeah and we need more so keep the questions coming to me at sasha at lady gossip And subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts, leave comments and reviews, and we will be back soon. Bye.

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