What's Your Drama - Dealing with Stank & Coming to Terms with Rejection

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

On today's show: Lainey expresses her love for Korean pop band BTS, how to confront someone's stank (as in actual odor) and how to stop pining over a serial cheater who doesn’t pine over you (if that doesn’t already explain itself).Thanks so much for joining us and as usual please send your feedback as we love hearing from you. Keep your questions to me at [e-mail] and hit us up on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And check us out on iTunes and Google Play. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Lainey. Hi, it's Sasha. And welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast for Sasha Answers. Yes. So we're recording this on Monday, which is the day after the American Music Awards, and that was the night I think, well, for sure, me and Kathleen, but I think I'm pulling you on board too. Like, I'm BTS crazy.

I'm not BTS crazy. I know, but I think… Did you appreciate the performance? Those moves, that choreography? Those moves were good. There was no actual singing that hit a microphone. Does it matter? Well, I'm just saying it was absolutely 100% lip synced.

But I'm down with how down people are for BTS. I loved that you looked out into the crowd and young white girls, black girls, Latina girls, South Asian girls, Asian girls, everybody knew the lyrics to a Korean song. Yes. You don't know what it means. They kind of came out of nowhere, too. When did their… When did this, like, craze happen?

Oh, they've been building for a while. I know they've been building. And I've seen, like… I have actually randomly watched, like, their Instagram choreographed, like, behind the scenes BTS. Behind the scenes, like, preparing for tours and stuff. And it's hilarious. Like, I find them riveting to look at.

Yes. But are you obsessed with BTS in like a real way or in like a faux obsessed way? Like you're in it to win it, like you're going to buy albums, you're going to potentially go see concert. I think I'm going to like start listening to BTS or K-pop even, just K-pop. Yep. Like I have a two hour drive two ways that I do once a week and I need like boom, boom, boom music to keep you up.

And I think that my drive on Thursday night this week is going to be BTS. Okay. And I know on your site that you have two favorites. I, again, they're… All I know is one blonde, one dark. Or six dark-haired, one blonde hair. So I like the… Currently, like, I feel like they change hairstyles and looks all the time.

But, like, on AMA night, they both had dark hair. Okay. Jungkook and V. Okay. But speaking of their hair, I'm so obsessed with this like helmet, bowl. Bowl cut. And I actually think it would look so good on me. No, it would not.

No, it would not. I think it would look so good on me because I actually could create the volume. I have enough hair to create the mushroom, right? And I would style it in a deep side part to flop over one eye. And I actually am so tempted to do it. This is bullshit, right? Yassic story. I have to look at Yassic because you do this all the time.

You dangle hair carrots all the time. You're always like, I'm going to do a blonde. I'm going to go blonde. And now you want a fucking bowl cut. I call bullshit. But I want you to do it. Actually, no, fuck. No, fuck this.

I want you to get a bowl cut. And then you can also then, because you have stunning, glorious hair, you can donate it. So why don't you do it for good and for the good of your style? I have a lot of, like, issues tied up with my hair. I know you do. And so there is definitely fear. You could pin it for a while. You could pin it in a bowl.

No. I tried to bob pin it once and it looked weird. But I really do want to kick it like that for, like, a month. My hair grows fast, though. Like, I bet you I could grow it back in, like, a year. Right. Yasik is calling bullshit and I agree. I call bullshit too.

It is probably bullshit. Like I – no one would believe me that I would do it and I don't really believe myself. Yes. But I wish I could grow some courage and just do it because I think it would be so – like – and then I would – my clothes, you know, that baggy shit that I wear all the time and the whole look would be so great. It would be super Asian street style for sure. Yes.

You would really work it. But like – I'm sorry. I can't get, I can't get down with a bowl cut. Like that's, that's like, that brings up really bad memories for me because I remember my sister, like, you know, I have had long hair most of my life and I remember my sister cut, cut my hair and she gave me a fucking bowl cut and it was the worst thing in the entire world. So that scarred, that has scarred me that I would never, ever, ever go for a bowl.

Okay, but back then you weren't complimenting the bowl cut with like great makeup and great clothing, you know? Like there's… Too much effort. There's a whole… Anyway. I'm, I want to start growing the courage. Although I say to myself, like, I don't know if I could deal with the cold.

Hitting the back of your neck? Yeah. Like it would have to be a summertime thing. Like maybe I'll do it in March. I, if, I will hold this, I will hold you to this. See, I'm fucking backing out already. What's wrong with me? You can't even handle it because maybe wind would bother your neck.

Okay. Okay. Ready? Yes. Okay. So, dear Sasha and Lainey, I have this group of friends, two guys and two girls, former colleagues, and we get together every few weeks. We all started working together around the same time, so we've all been friends for

a few years. When we go out for drinks or dinner, we usually all go out together. Dee used to be roommates with another co-worker who has since moved to another city. I was close with that roommate and I felt a little sorry for Dee, so I always invited her along. I mention this because I feel sort of responsible for getting Dee in the group. My issue is with Dee's body odor. To be honest, I'm not crazy about Dee's personality in general, but I can deal with

that. I just can't handle her poor hygiene. I'm one of those people who can smell bad breath or BO from a mile away, but I know it's an issue for the rest of the group as well. They are super polite and so no one mentions it, but I have brought it up, I'm not as polite, with some of the others and they agree it's bad. The four of them went on a road trip once. I wasn't able to make it.

And Jay, who drove, actually put plastic down on his car seats so Dee wouldn't put a permanent smell in his car. When she comes to my place, I cover my couch in blankets and then immediately throw them in the wash. She just doesn't shower or brush her teeth or wash her clothes enough and don't get me started on her feet. I can handle the fact that when we go downtown, we live in a big city, for a nice dinner, she puts no effort into her appearance, frizzy hair and a pony, ratty old Marvel comics t-shirts,

but I can't deal with the smell. Dee told me a while back this story about being on a school trip and a bunch of girls telling her at the end of the trip that she smells bad. Dee was so upset that they waited until the end of the trip to tell her that they clearly weren't good friends and then Dee made excuses like they had problems with the shower on that trip. She told me more recently that her current manager at work pulled her aside to let her know that her hygiene is a problem. I would be mortified. Instead, D blamed one of her colleagues who she was sure made the complaint and said that he said it just to be mean. D is in serious denial. I would happily kick D out of the group, just never include her again. Personality is annoying and she smells.

It's a no-brainer. But D has moved near M, the other female in the group, and they are pretty tight. And like I said, the group is much nicer than me, so they won't kick her to the curb. the group has been bugging me to come to my family cottage and I'd like to have them there for a weekend this fall I honestly feel so much anxiety at the thought of D coming there I feel like I'll never get the smell out of the sheets there would be no pets there so I have no excuse for covering the furniture but I can't deal with her stinky socks on the couch I can't invite the other three and not her so what I'm looking for is some advice on how to handle this I can't invite the gang without her? Do I talk to D about it even though others have tried? Do I get together

with M and talk to her? How does one talk to another adult about how it's important to shower, brush their teeth, and throw out stinky shoes? Any advice would be appreciated. H. Whoa. Okay. I feel really bad for… D? The smelly person. Yeah. Because that's like, oh, that's like a lot of people's fears, right?

Like smelling bad and having people talk bad about you. That to me is like kind of a fear. I know. You know, people don't want that to be what people know you for. And I guess, I mean, this is, listen, this is interesting. Like do people who smell bad not smell themselves? I think that's the big question that everyone asks themselves when they're with someone who smells, right?

You're like, how do you not have the olfactory senses that I do? So I could smell. I just don't know it. In theory, yes. But you don't smell. And I think – so this is – But that's what she thinks. Who, Dee?

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I feel like Dee has been told on – if I was getting told through my coworkers, through my friends through random people on the bus I would then I would look deep inside my soul and be like okay like I feel like I've got enough hints there yeah I should start figuring that out yeah but part of me feels bad because like what does she smell like to me I'm like is she is it like patchouli hippie smell because I'm down with that like if there's like some body odor musk I'm not super I'm not I don't love it but I'm not like majorly offended I wouldn't talk to someone

about their musky smell. But this seems a bit more extreme, right? Well, certain smells bother some people. You mentioned you're down with essential oils and as you just mentioned, right? I'm not crazy about essential oil smell. But you would never say, hey, friend, I'm going to cover up

all my fucking shit in plastic wrap. But I think that this is more related to actual mouth and hair smell. Yeah, so like internal shit going on. It's funky. me. I mean, my first gut reaction would be, I feel like our writer is a little, I feel like she is so not connected to, what's the person with olfactory problems? D. D. I feel like she has no empathy for D. So I just don't think she's the one who should be sitting D down.

Because I feel like that would like get D uncomfortable and embarrassed. And that's not the way to go with this do you agree like i feel like d's friend m yeah who is the person who's bringing her into this friend group should be the person to like quietly in a private place really have a heart to heart about well maybe together is a good like she had said should i do this together with m and that might be because i the concern here is that d has been told on other occasions and hasn't believed it and has blamed other people. So this way when you have two friends who care about you who say, you can't really blame it on other people, like it is you, but like can we help you and we just, you

know, want to look after you in that way, then maybe it's the kind of conversation where Dee won't be able to be like, it's the other guy or that. Yes. So power in numbers. This is fascinating in the sense that, like, there have been two occasions that we're hearing of now that Dee has been informed and somehow Dee has been able to sort of… Deflect it as not her problem. Deflect it. Yeah.

Yeah, as not her problem. So I wonder if that's a defense mechanism. Like, if… It's a really interesting defense mechanism. Because I wonder if it's something that she's tried to change and can't. Yeah, that's why I feel like… That's why I feel sad. That's why I feel like there needs to be empathy.

And that's why I, you know what, I agree with you because I think that what our writer has said is like no one else has the balls to do it. But I think if, I mean, it's seemingly quite a problem so much so that like people can't invite her places. Yeah. So I think if our writer teams up with Em, as you suggested, and Em kind of is the nice like supportive one. Good cop, bad cop.

Yes. Total good cop, bad cop. Yeah. And then our writer kind of goes in for the kill and in a supportive way, doesn't let her kind of get out of the excuse, which is everything's a-okay when it's not, right? It's like, and when she described her about like messy hair and fucking Comic-Con t-shirts or whatever she said, that's cool. Like don't fucking, I don't think like hitting her up on like how she looks physically is

anywhere you need to go. No. But like, hey, here is a fucking toothbrush and… Yeah, like how about, you know, a shower twice a day as opposed to once every other day. Yeah. And then maybe like a kind and gentle recommendation to go to the doctor. Like sometimes it is definitely a hormonal issue and it can be regulated with… I don't know.

I'm not a doctor, but you can suggest that route. Exactly. But definitely I do think – I don't think – what rubbed me the wrong way in this message is that H seems to just want to cut this person off the end. Yes. And I'm not sure, like, someone's hygiene at this point in the friendship is a good reason to, like, exile them from a friend group. Yeah. As horrible as that – like, I get it. You know, you have to cover your car seats and wrap things in plastic.

That sucks. Like, nobody wants – like, it's awful. to smell something that smells bad. Yes. I get it. But I don't know that like that is in like the – that's acceptable in terms of like breaking up with somebody. Yeah.

I don't think she – but I also think she has like free will and like I don't think she should feel forced to invite someone to her cottage if she doesn't feel comfortable, won't feel comfortable. Yes. Like fucking running amok and trying to like clean up after this girl. No. I mean, you don't have to invite anyone to your cottage and, like, them not having great hygiene is a very good reason. It's a valid reason.

It's a valid reason. However, on a kindness human level, like, I don't want Dee to walk through life like this without anyone having a serious conversation about the reality of her bodily smell. You're not allowed to ditch her without having tried to help her. Yeah. So see if you can go this route with Em and keep us posted. Yeah. Yeah, I feel bad. I know I feel bad too.

I feel bad. So let us know how… Will you let me know if I smell? Would you let me know if I smell? Yes. Would you though actually? Totally. Okay.

Would you let me know if I smelled? Yeah. Okay. It would have to be really fucking pungent for me to actually tell you. Like, if you had, like, a whiff of BO every once in a while, I wouldn't say anything. Like, you know what I smell like a lot? I would talk about you behind your back. No, I wouldn't.

I smell like food. Like garlic. Because you have so much hair because all your hair probably keeps… Yeah, and it sucks up. Like, if I go to a restaurant, like, the next day, you can smell the food. Yeah. And also, I just have… Like, I love garlic.

And when I eat garlic, it literally comes out of my pores. So I do have when I eat that way, but I don't think we're talking about that. No, no, no. But also I love food smell. I love food smell too. When people, my friend, my best friend Emily has like thick, glorious hair. They smell like barbecue. And when she comes in from her dinner, I'm like, mm, and she comes in the car, I'm like,

mm, what did you have? That smells delicious. Like I'm hungry. Yasik hates the food smell on me though. Like if I have, or he's talking about garlic. But so many types of food have garlic. Like, if I have Thai and it's heavy on the garlic and… Oh, my God.

He's pointing his finger at you very aggressively. What's going on? From a fucking… Yeah. You can tell that I've had garlic. Yeah. But, I mean… Anyway.

So… But I would tell you. Okay, good. Thanks. You don't smell. Okay, thank you. You know who smells? Who?

Yazik. Oh. When? When you don't shower. Oh. What do you mean when you don't shower? She showers like 15 times a day, so you don't shower? He's the opposite.

It's the odd day where I don't shower. He's the opposite. What do you mean? I've been trying to shower. You've been trying to shower more often. What does that mean? I'm home. Sometimes I don't need to see anybody.

So like two days you don't shower? That's sick. Thank you, Sasha. That's gross. It doesn't matter how clean you are. Thank you, Sasha. Leave this in, Yassic. Yeah, if you've like shit two days straight without cleaning your bum, that's not good.

Thank you, Sasha. Do you at least wet wipe? No. Thank you, Sasha. Anyway, yeah. I'm going to write in. I'm going to phantom write in. Because I shower three times a day.

I know you do, which is, I think, a little bit too much. I showered yesterday. No, I didn't shower yesterday. The fact that he has to list the days that he showers is a problem. Anyway, next. Dear Sasha, I need you to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. Okay. I'll try to tell this convoluted story as quickly as I can.

My husband and I have been married five years and together overall for more than a decade, and we have one child, a toddler. Our relationship has always been heavy on conflict, seemingly never more so than in the past couple of years. There have always been times when I've been very unhappy on and off, but over the past year there have been several times when I have really wanted to end things and have come close to leaving him. No real major issues like substance abuse or infidelity on his part or anything.

It's just like since becoming a wife and mother, I've realized I actually don't want to be a wife and a mother, which I know is a horrible thing to say and feel. We got together when I was 21, so I think now that I'm in my 30s and facing down the rest of my life, I just really regret never being single and doing my own thing. Earlier this year while on a work trip, I met a guy I'll call M, who is also married and became friendly with him. He propositioned me at the time, but I was very offended and turned him down only to start communicating with him again a few weeks later when I was back to feeling miserable in

my real life. We spent a few months doing some very hot and heavy emailing, picture and video exchanges, et cetera, all of which culminated in meeting up while I was traveling. We spent three nights together, had great chemistry. Everything was very hot. In other words, I cheated on my husband with this person more than once emotionally and physically. According to M, and I have no reason not to believe him, he does this kind of thing with some regularity and has slept with multiple women who are not his wife and he says his wife has no idea. He has three kids, one of whom was literally weeks old when we hooked up. I don't know why I'm including these details other than maybe to underscore the fact that

we are both obviously horrible people who deserve nothing but misery for what we've done. After we parted ways, we live across the country from each other, our communication slowed down markedly and our vibe definitely seemed to cool off. It really hurt my feelings because we had what I thought, and he also said at the time, was an amazing connection. And what I was lacking in my marriage, he was giving to me, making me feel sexy and interesting and smart and funny, et cetera, et cetera. And I do think he genuinely felt those things about me, but for whatever reason, he had no problem turning them

off when I became too much work. Long story short, during one of our exchanges where I expressed displeasure about the frequency and intensity of our communication, he called the whole thing off. I made clear that I did not want to call it off, but he was pretty unresponsive after that and things have been basically silent since. This was a few weeks ago. So I guess my question is, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know the reasons why I got myself into this situation. I'm deeply insecure and rely way, way too much on approval from men. It felt so fucking good to meet a stranger who found me super attractive and thought all kinds of other great things about me. And I'm so dependent on what other people think about me that it worked like a charm.

But why can't I move on? Things with my husband are actually a bit better now, Although we are always on a roller coaster and I know our problems will eventually resurface But for some reason I just can't get past this rejection from m I know I probably need to see a therapist to deal with all my insecurity issues and I actually would love to do that But i'm not sure how I would explain it to my husband I guess that's a lame excuse But if things are okay in our marriage and i'm popping out to the shrink all the time I think it would just be weird and he would wonder what's up

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any guidance And I totally understand and agree if you tell me to go to hell cheater Also, I will not be confessing to my husband, so please don't suggest anything along those lines. Okay. Great. Okay. Well, I don't want to tell you to go to hell.

Like, I mean, you're already being hard on yourself and you've made decisions for us that are easy. You're not going to disclose anything to your husband. You're not going to confess. I'm not going to let… Sorry, that little footnote in brackets is… Like, I'm not taking that one. I'm like, I'm not going to be told what to do and the advice that we're going to

give, which is you should fucking tell your husband that you're cheating on his ass. That's how I feel about it. But fine, we will get to that later. You don't think so? Well, it depends. Like, she doesn't want to leave him. She doesn't want to be a wife, nor does she want to be a mother, right? One of those decisions she can actually retract.

She doesn't have to be a wife if she doesn't want to be. I don't think she knows what she wants. Oh, that's clear as fuck. So I think until she figures out what she wants, she should know major decisions. Agreed. But like to, to pretend that that is not an option down the line to not fucking live her goddamn cheating truth and let her husband know, I think is, I, I don't think that is a fair thing for her to do right now.

I don't think she should say anything, but that, that should be on the fucking table at some point because you can't be having sex with other people in your marriage and not – for the safety, just at base level, the safety of your partner to not tell them that you're fucking – you know, you have side pieces all around. I don't think that's fair. At a certain – I don't think it's the move to do right now. Not right now. Yeah.

But I just wanted to get – Later, maybe. That just made me angry. It depends. Okay, well – There's a lot to fucking deal with. There's a lot to unpack here. So she can't get over this guy.

Yes. Well, yeah, you're stupid. Totally. Because he, like, he put it out there. Like, he was like, I'm married and I do this all the time, right? It's his day job. Yeah. This is his part-time job to fuck a whole bunch of girls.

Yeah. While he has a wife and three children. Yeah. Like, the serial cheater was up front, was honest with you about his serial cheating. So, yeah, you got pulled into it and I think you know that. So what you're asking is why can't you get over it? And I mean, that might have something to do with the fact that what you're going through right now is actually what a lot of people who didn't get married or who didn't stay

with somebody or haven't been with somebody since they were 21 years old. This is the heartache that like a lot of us went through in our 20s. Yes. You know, like this is someone broke up with us and we knew that they were bad for us. And we wanted them so badly. That's right. Yeah. This is, you know.

This is your rite of passage that, yes, as you said, most people go through, but they go at it when they're 20, not a decade later or however old this writer is. I'm trying to think how I dealt with it. Like, you kind of live and learn. You get heartbroken and then you realize that you're a total fool for hoping, fingers crossed, that you're going to change the bad boy. Yeah. That he's going to want you.

No. This is arrested development for you, right? 100%. So you're… basically you're having a delayed experience that a lot of people may have gone through in their 20s before they met the person that they married and had a child with. Yeah. So I guess in a fucked up strange way, you're actually getting what you want.

Like you wanted… you know, you're the one who doesn't want to be married and doesn't want to be a mother and you want to know what's out there and the experiences that you've missed. Hello. This is what you've been missing. Yeah, totally. And some of it is fun. Like you had the fun, the trip and the sex and the chemistry and the emotional cheating and the texting and the flirting and all that. You had your fun. That

is what we, other people, also experienced. But you also are now seeing the dark side of it. Yeah. And I think it's… It's congratulations in a way. Yeah. God. It's interesting though, because when you see people who have been in relationships for the majority of their life, especially during their formative years and missed all that, they expect, like, their cheating to be some emotional, as you would say, some fucking movie trailer full of love. Like, that's not going to happen.

Do you know what I mean? She thinks that she's going to be able to cheat on her husband, find chemistry after three meetings, and then they're going to live happily ever after. Yeah. No, that's not how this shit rolls out. And yeah, I think it's interesting. Like it's one of those things where we've said before, like read your email over again and you've highlighted to us your major downfalls, which are you are reliant on men,

you're wildly insecure. Like you need to do some serious like soul searching, whatever, that sounds super whatever, but you know what I mean, do some work on yourself because you're not going to fix you or the relationship that you currently have with your husband if you are looking elsewhere for the answers, because that's just not going to help. And I think that as, you know, we are going to recommend therapy. A hundred thousand bajillion percent. But I think that you also… I hope that you can try and appreciate that people who are

emotionally healthy still go to therapy. So, you know, what would you say to your husband if things are fine and you're telling him you're going to therapy? Well, I think that maybe now what you can do is start being sort of honest in the sense of I'm, I'm just, you know, not feeling great. I, there are some things that I, I, I, I want to, I can't figure out for myself. I'm not feeling satisfied. I'm not feeling happy and I want to go get some help.

And if he's going to use that against you, then that's a problem in and of itself. Like, everybody has the right to go and speak to a therapist. Of course. And, yeah, you're not going to be like, hey, I don't love you anymore, so I'm going to go talk to someone about that. No, you're going to exactly say, like, I'm just not feeling right. I really want to talk out my emotions. And also, I call bullshit on that, too. You were able to sneak out three times and fuck this other guy.

So I'm sure shit, like, pretty sure that you can figure out a way of going to this therapist and it not being an issue. It might be a money issue. like it might be like oh if they are in America and don't have healthcare that might be a money

so if it is a money issue well then correct us if that is the case but I would have she highlighted everything else there that if that was an issue

I think she would have let us know that and I don't think it is so I think you're just being kind of a puss face and I think you need to like step up quickly

because you have a child and figure out your shit and don't even remotely think that M is ever going to want you again he will only want to fuck you if that bare minimum he's done but he's out because you've already like given him some clinger signs yeah you're like he's like oh i'm out i gotta find

my next side piece yeah so but i mean again congratulations you wanted to experience like you know what the highs and lows the other side of it so you have done that if you need more of it we have to figure out through therapy whether or not you want that permanently and that might be okay too. Like no judgment about like, you know, if, if you want to experience that in the open, then it's, it's really going to be, have to be something that you figure out for yourself. Like you, Sash, you and I can't tell her that. No. You don't know what you want right now. So I think that the first step in figuring it out is going to see somebody who can help you walk through and unpack maybe some of the, maybe some of the trauma and the emotional baggage and history that

you haven't been able to tell us in this email. There may be things that you need to like confront. And I'm sure that there are. And so once you can do that, but yeah, like there shouldn't be any, you shouldn't need to have to like go through hoops to explain to your husband that you would like to get help. Yeah, of course. And I'm sure he has noticed too that you've pulled away. I'm sure you're not like a hundred percent who you have always been. So I'm sure he would be happy and probably quite encouraging of you to like be in a better place. Well, I mean, she characterized their relationship as quite volatile and like on and off. So, you know, if you described your entire relationship with your husband, because you've known each other since

what, you were in your twenties. So like over a decade, you've described that relationship as very up and down. So when you go to him and say, I'm, you know, I'm having, I'm struggling with my mental health, I'm struggling with my mental health, and I'm struggling with the ups and downs of our relationship, I don't think it should be a surprise to him if you're telling us that this is how your relationship is. He must know it very well as well. And it could be as simple as like this ongoing up and down thing that we've done for the past decade is starting to wear on me. It's exhausting me. And I'm going to see somebody to help me see how I can change what I've contributed to the toxic levels when they are toxic of our

relationship. Yeah. And there's just some people who just don't want to face all that stuff, right? They don't want to face their past. They don't want to face their present. And I think that's where we find our writer right now. Like she's like, just call me a fucking horrible person. but that's it right am I good no you're not good you need to

you need to do the work now it's time to work yeah so good luck yeah keep us posted it sounds like you're going to have a lot

of work ahead so hopefully you can get started on that the more you delay the work the more work there will be to do

totally so maybe don't run from it for too long yeah agreed okay well keep your questions coming to me at Sasha

at LaineyGossip.com and leave comments check us out on Google Play and iTunes and we'll be back next week bye

bye We'll see you next week. We'll be right back.