What's Your Drama - Dirty Roommates, Toxic Husbands, and Just Go Get the D

Episode Date: November 19, 2020

We kick things off today with Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber. If you've been listening to us for a while then you know we have inappropriate but very legal crushes on these two. So yes, it's safe to say we are very excited for their upcoming single together.After that teeny-bop session it's time for your drama! First up, we hear from "Leena" who is dealing with a very messy girlfriend. And she's talking real messy. Rotting wet towels and crusty film all over the place. But as we find out, the grossest person of them all is Lainey.  Then it's on to our next letter writer who is in a very troubling relationship with her ex husband who is her husband again??? This one is a doozy but Lainey and I are very much in agreement on what she needs to do.Finally, we end on "Brandon" who is trying to decide if pursuing a new hot relationship with someone makes sense during Covid. Lainey detangles this one pretty quickly because as you know, nothing stands in the way of some good ol' fashioned D.We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show!   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm angry at the fact that you have somebody who can cut your hair and nobody can cut my hair. The last person who cut my hair was fucking Duanna. Duanna, if you're listening, I love you. But she basically gave me a fucking short long and now my hair's fucked. Quick question. When was the last time a display ad changed your mind? Now think about the last time a friend told you about something they loved. Different feeling, right?

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You're buying influence. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise. I am Lainey Louie talk show host and entertainment reporter also the editor of LaineyGossip.com and

I am a BTS fan I'm Sasha Tong I am a producer at an entertainment show here in Canada I'm also a fashion and beauty columnist

on LaineyGossip.com and I am not a big BTS fan but this is What's Your Drama where we gossip up about you. You can't count down and then, were you counting down for me? Are you a professional or what? I'm a producer, so I'll count you. Three, two. Okay, let's talk about it. Let's

Just dive on in because we fucking, two of our little teen boyfriends who are no longer teens. We're totally, they're totally. They're adults. They're adults. No, Justin Bieber's 25, P.S. Yeah. And how old is Shawn Mendes?

Either way. They're very, very young. What, 21 too? But we love them. And who knew? They're doing a song together. Yeah. What's it called again?

Monster. Monster. Monster. um it's what i find interesting like on a work tip not to be giggly school girls but it's for sean's album yes so justin is get like justin i think justin is the featured yes you would think right if it's on sean's album then it's wonder or sorry monster by sean mendes featuring like Justin Bieber. Yeah. So, um, but do you keep it like, where does the power, like, where is the power is, is, is there any power in like being a featured guest on someone else's album, but

not inviting them to be a featured guest on your album? Like, are there any drama like dramatics there? Well, I think the biggest dramatic, and I'm not going to answer your question is that Justin Bieber refused to acknowledge Shawn Mendes existence for a very long time when Sean was like a certified pop star and he was like who I've never heard of him um and then to go from that to marrying Sean Mendes's ex-girlfriend to now being a feature on Sean's single I almost think that Justin has more power in all of this because Justin's like I'll take this. I'll take that. I'll take more of this. Bye-bye. Yeah. Although like, you know, the, the adult and kindness read on this situation is people can move past things and they were so young.

Yeah. And this is Justin's new brand of awakened spiritual. Yes. Welcome everybody and all that. And so, yes, everybody, that is true. We want to uphold those ideals, but you're right. There is a little bit of a flex in being like, Hey, I used to, I don't know her or you. Um, and then now I like graced you with my knowledge of knowing who you are. Uh, then, um, I like when you were messing or when you were dealing with Haley, I swept in and was like, what's up Haley. And and now I'm like, okay, let's, uh, I'll be on your song. Who is the biggest pop star between the two? I think Sean's put out better music. Yeah.

Listen, I think we all love the Purpose album. It's a good album. That was a while ago. So in the last five years, let's say, I think, yeah, Sean has put out better music. I think on notoriety and fame and it factor, Justin has them. Yeah, it's true.

Like, Sean Mendes is huge. Like, we're not talking about A's and B's here. We're talking about A's, A pluses, A plus, plus, plus, right? Like, so it's all relative. It's a scale. But I feel like on, I still think that there may be some people, if you polled them, wouldn't know a Shawn Mendes story or song or whatnot. But I think everybody, 10 out of 10, knows who Justin Bieber is.

Agreed? Yeah. Yeah. You're right. And I mean, I still think if I had to pick, and this is such a fucking random thing that I'm making myself do, I would pick Justin Bieber. I'd pick Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber is totally your style vibe.

I told you. You guys are style twins. Is Sean more your style vibe? Because I think if we were to compare our husbands. No, but if we were to compare husbands, who would be who? Corey, Justin Bieber, for sure. Like oversized hoodie, never grows up. Although I feel like Kory would be really mad at that.

Yes. That's why you didn't listen to this podcast. But I would say, yes, it leans more into a Sean. Floppy hair, like, um, like taller, under armor, under armor outfits. I would, yes. Physically? Physically, in terms of like the shape of things, for sure. What are you trying to say?

But no, because I find that Shawn Mendes is super earnest. So is Yasik. I don't find that he's that. Like, he's bad joke dad guy, which is not earnest. Is it maybe? Actually, I feel like a little bit. That can lean. Yasik's Shawn Mendes.

All right. Well, I'm married to Shawn Mendes. Which is your fucking best. And I'm married to Justin Bieber. Great. I'm married to the guy with gay rumors swirling around him. And you're Camila. And I'm Hailey Baldwin.

Again, another win. Okay, let's go into some other people's grandma. Camila has better hair than Kaylee Baldwin. Fuck you. Don't do this. Fuck you. You. I don't.

I'm angry at the fact that you have somebody who can cut your hair and nobody can cut my hair. The last person who cut my hair was fucking Duanna. Duanna, if you're listening, I love you. But she basically gave me a fucking short long and now my hair is fucked for life. I don't think it was a short long. It was that like. Did you see the pictures? It was very, very long in the front and very, very short in the back.

Yeah, but that's normal. Not by three inches or four inches, it's not. She's going to be so mad at you. I know. I know. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Ready for questions? Yes. Hi, Sasha. Hi, Lainey. Hope you're doing good. Here's my drama.

I am 23, female, recently moved with my girlfriend, 24, female, of five years. You can call me Lena and call her Camila. Oh, interesting. Our relationship is great in most aspects, politics, religion, sex, lifestyle, common interests, however, not cleaning. For some context, I'm a full-time employee with a good salary. She just finished her degree, I'm so proud, and is now working two jobs and is taking one extra course at uni.

One job in person, second job and course is from home. All in all, not job working 40 hours, but with her homework, 40 hours a week for sure, possibly more. Since moving in together, cleaning and chores have been a struggle. I'm not a clean freak, but I still need my space to be clean. We live in a small bachelor, so one bedroom and a bathroom. It can look real messy real quick. She grew up with her dad's messy and dirty home.

I'm talking dishes that are growing mold regularly, garbage not taken out, balls of dust everywhere, cleaning dish towels that smell like moldy death. Do they ever get washed? Toilet gross as fuck, etc. We've agreed on a cleaning and home chores schedule and who does what and when, but she just wasn't taught how to clean properly growing up, and she finds I'm constantly nagging her and getting mad that things aren't done properly. She's obviously trying, though.

I'll give her that. Here's our list. Her chores are to make half the cooking, take out the garbage, and do the dishes. We don't have space for a dishwasher. I do what's left. Laundry, vacuum, clean the bathroom, groceries, half the cooking, make the bed, declutter, and clean the rest of the apartment. She's gotten great at taking out the trash, and she most of the time will do it without me asking.

She tries her best at cooking, but dishes and anything else, sad face. Almost every time something isn't done properly in the sense that it has to be redone. Not that it's not my way, like there's still chocolate on utensils. The underneath of plates is dirty. The counter is soaked with water. The sink is full of wet food remnants. Our dishcloth is left soaking wet in the sink where it starts to stink. and often when she takes initiatives to say pick up a mess she's made she'll take my shower towel

oh to dry the dirty floor or use our dishcloth to wipe our garbage clean i can't you know me i'm i know i i don't know if i can continue these are these details or put her clothes full of literal dirt on our bed you get the picture i'm so frustrated she's not doing these things on purpose i know that and i try to gently point out stuff she does that are making things worse, but it doesn't seem to stick. I'm making more money than her. So I'm covering a bit more than her at the moment. So it wouldn't make sense for her to pay more and me to clean more. We've been living together for a few months now. Please give it to me straight. I'm staying with her, but I need help. We don't want to get a housekeeper and our place is honestly so

small. It wouldn't make sense for us. What should I do? I'm stressed out. I'm getting more resentful at her dirty habits. And she's frustrated that I don't seem to recognize all the efforts she's making and that she can't do anything well enough for me. Lena. All right. So Lena is the one who has, who grew up with cleaning instruction. Yes. It's something that you learn for sure. I mean, this is, I think this is really interesting because people think that like, yes, it's something that you grow up with. It's something that you internalize. And Camila is the one who did not grow up in that kind of environment. Yeah. Okay. So what does Lena do so that I don't understand why lena shower towel isn't being used to as like wipe the dish rack i don't know why

they can't do the cleaning lady or a cleaning service they're i know three and 24 like they're just they're still in school but she didn't say that money was uh the issue was just like it didn't make sense because it was a small apartment it makes a fuck ton of like uh sense to me to get a cleaning service but fine if that is off the table for whatever reason we can pretend that that is not a really good option but okay um i so cory and i have a battle sometimes like not necessarily with cleaning but i grew up i was not taught to take care of things my mom did fucking everything for me so i'm the type of person who will load the laundry but i forget about it because I just don't know that I'm supposed to put it in the dryer right away.

I'm 41. I still just don't put my wash. What do you mean? Can you just back up? So I'll put my dirty clothes in the washer, but I don't think to remember to put it in the dryer. So it'll stay overnight. And when then Corey does his laundry, he'll, then I hear shrieks from the basement. Very upset at me. Same with like, like, um, but do you understand what happens to your clothes that have been sitting there and so horrible i've done i do that but now what i've trained him to do is he then just moves it into the dryer for me things and like so i'm i irritate him with things like that or like i don't close like you know when you have lids i don't close them super tight so that when he goes to open them and he shakes them fucking milk or whatever

goes everywhere like i'm fucking annoying that way i know and i in my head i know that i should not do that. But for some reason, as you said, it's just like kind of not like a learned skill that likes to stick with me because I just don't care. Like, okay, so you shook some shit up and some milk got on the counter. Fucking clean it up. Like it's not a big deal to me. So I do really annoying things. I would murder you. Would you? That would be so annoying. Why? Because you're perfect? Fuck that. No, I'm not perfect. But like, but if I know that you deliberately don't close the lid of the jar the whole way would make me crazy again it's not that i deliberately do that it's like i'm not trying to do like a fucking fun house jokester prank in my house it's just

like i just don't just don't twist my fucking wrist all the way around or something to close it tight why are your wrists weak well they are but that's not why this is just because i just wasn't trained to care about shit like this okay so while i have some sympathy for camilla um because it's like you know she just like didn't know doesn't know what to do i don't excuse this behavior because this is like over the top gross level shit like mold and fucking using someone's shower towel and like gross putting dirty clothes on the bed that shit is nasty as fuck yeah um so what should she do i i mean sometimes you okay so there i have more things to say but i think the first thing is sometimes you have to accept who you live with and who you want to spend

your life with. Sometimes it's not always awesome. Meaning sometimes you just have to fucking suck it up. Or sometimes you just have to get through these, like the friction. I will say that I definitely, like it is, there sometimes can be a case of, I like things cleaned a certain way and Yasik does cleaning and it is clean. Like he's not fucking grabbing a shower towel and wiping the floor with it and then throwing it back on the hook. Like, listen, I have done things where I'm done with my towel and there'll be some like whatever dust on the floor. And so I will use the towel to wipe the floor and then throw it into the wash. Oh, I don't do that. That's gross to me. So, um, but at the same time, like he's not going to do that and put it back on the

hook and be like, use this towel, bitch. Yeah. I will say a pet peeve of mine is wet things in the sink. I hate a stinky tea towel. Me too. And I also just don't like dirt. So I don't like touching the compost. I generally don't throw things in the garbage. Pardon? I don't. That's not a statement that sounds normal. You don't generally throw things in the garbage. No. So who takes the stuff that needs to go in the... You say, Yasik, this is some garbage that needs to go in the garbage? I leave it on the counter knowing that he will put it in the garbage. Because I don't like touching...

So like a paper towel? Is that considered garbage? Like a wrapper. You will unwrap something and you can't airdrop it into the garbage. I hate looking at the garbage. I hate going near the garbage. I'm sorry. You're worse. You are worse than Camilla. At least she's trying. That's fucking pathetic shit.

So, but that said, I'm not, but I clean. I'm like, you know, when I clean the kitchen, when I'm cooking, everything is spotless. It's just that I, I, yeah, for example, one of my pet peeves is, you know, you use a Q-tip and then you'll throw it into the trash. I always wrap it up in a, in a, in tissue, but go on. No, what I'm saying is, for some reason, Q-tips bounce out of the trash can. I don't know what it is about. It is a thing. There's no buoyancy that makes them bounce out of a trash can.

Anyway, there are times when I'll be, like, dropping the Q-tip into the trash can, and it'll, like, bounce out of the trash can or miss or whatever, and it'll land on the ground. And I hate being close to the ground. I don't like my fingers touching the ground. This is awful. I, so I'll, sometimes I'll just be like, oh, he'll see it and pick it up. Because that's how allergic I am to dirt.

And he, okay. Okay. Again, you're the worst kind, just so you know. Okay. So we've established what we're horrible at. We're both assholes. Yeah, we're both assholes. Anyway, so Camilla.

No, Lena is our clean person and Camilla needs to learn. So what does Lena do? Because they're obviously fighting about it. Camilla feels that Lena is too naggy about it. Oh, my point was sometimes you just have to push through that friction. You just have to get to the point where, hey, this doesn't mean I don't love you. Hey, this doesn't mean we can't break up. But we really need to get you to a point where you understand the difference between not clean and clean.

there's I don't think Camille is a lost cause is what you're saying no yeah exactly and I think that they I didn't Lena say that they just recently moved in together like they're fairly new cohabitants in this apartment so again you have to move through the friction and you also have to like understand how people move through a small space and on top of that I think the biggest thing here which is what Lena gave us is that she gets naggy and nobody like when Corey gets on me about stuff like that it makes me not want to do it even more and so you do need to kind of treat your partner like you know like a little school child sometimes and give some positive reinforcement so that they do feel good about it so they do feel like oh okay so this does make

lena happy oh and if lena's happy then like you know like our relationship's better and we can have like there's more ease i'm not walking on eggshells like there kind of has to be a bit of a meat in the middle like lena has to understand which i think she does that camilla yeah wasn't like raised this way and she's trying her best but to try her best even more to like not fucking nag her and make her feel like she's like a bad fucking dog all the time for fucking up the house um but uh it's it's a tough spot but I think that's kind of what happens when you live with people like bullshit like that happens like I can't we but why can't we approach it as training like Lena wasn't specifically clear about you know they've divided their their chores their

tasks. But I don't think that Lena said like, has Lena showed Camila how to do the thing that she wants her to do? Because the way I clean, for example, the way I wash dishes, the way I wipe down a counter is exactly the way my mom and my dad wipe down a counter. I do. So this, the shit that I'm doing is like 40 years old is what I'm saying is, is trained is from watching my parents, But then also them saying to me, in our house, you clean the dishes like this. You rinse them this many times. You stack them like this. And so I was trained.

And so why can't Lena, like they start from scratch and spend a day where like, hey, when the bathroom needs to be cleaned, start here and start at this section of the toilet. Only use this scrub for the toilet. this other scrub is for i hope everyone does this too right like different scrubs for different oh yeah that's what the bathroom yes yes okay i mean yeah that for sure there needs to be some show and tell but also i think they probably have to like unfortunately it's on lena too to maybe i don't know there's got to be like solutions of like this is the hook so you don't put the dirty rag in the fucking sink like you're just gonna have to like like uh kid glove her for a bit and show her the ropes so that she doesn't really have excuses to fuck up and be disgusting

moving forward. But, you know, that's going to take some time and that's going to be some added time on Lena's very busy schedule. But I think that needs to happen. And it's going to feel really weird to have to like kind of teach and boss your girlfriend around. But if you want the situation to get better, there's going to be there's going to have to be a little bit of like tough love in that department, but also accompanied by some like good reinforcement, like treats, treat time. You know, if you do this well, then like, you know, yeah, I'm happy or whatever. I generally like the tutorial, Lena. Like I, you know, and the tutorial doesn't have to be super bossy, but it can just be something you both do together. It is also a certain kind

of quality time. But this is how a relationship is built. Totally. These are the building blocks of a relationship. And this is why, um, it's irresponsible. I think for people to, to only romanticize romance and think of it as like angels and fluttering hearts because relationships that last are the ones that like are de-romanticized. I mean, of course you don't take out all the romance, but there is a lot of unsexiness in staying in love and maintaining love and holding on to love. These kinds of conversations, conversations about money management and budgeting. That's dirty. That's fucking dirty and unsexy. So I guess, Lena, like the basic of this is get unsexy, just start training each other on the cleaning. And if you have to make a fucking

list, put post-it notes on, like, if you know that Saturday is cleaning day, maybe one thing that you might want to do is put the post-it notes on the kitchen sink or in the bathroom or whatever as reminders, like remember to X, remember to Y, remember not to X. Yeah. I think that's kind of how you're going to play it. So keep us posted. But now I'm just thinking in my head, I remember you telling me that when you get like heavy fucking periods and it leaks onto your toilet But see, you'll leave it for Jacek. You're actually, again, the grossest of everybody in this story. I don't know that it's there.

Like, it's not like, like, if, if, but you don't look back to be like, oh, like when you tell me that you have your periods, you're like basically hemorrhaging out of your fucking human body. Yeah. You know that the flow is fucking hardcore. Yeah. I'll wipe as much as I can. I'm just saying, I'm just saying that sometimes like when, when there's a crime scene and

there's a lot of blood. Like one drop or two sometimes is left behind when there's, I'm telling you, this is a crime scene. So I'll get 99 of the drops, but sometimes I'll miss the 100th drop. And then he goes in and cleans it. And then he'll find it when he's cleaning. Cause he does the cleaning in the house. I do all the cooking. I do all the meal prep. I do all the laundry and i do all the cleaning in between the meal prep so anyway so that's our division of labor so yeah he cleans the bathroom once or twice a week and so if i get the 99 drops there may be yes one rogue drop that he finds you tell me there are lots of rogue drops so just saying also q-tips on the floor blood on the bucket like talk about a fucking crime scene yes your bathroom is disgusting

I hope COVID never ends so I never use it again. Oh, please. You've used my bathroom so many times. Have you seen any nastiness in there? No. Your house is very spic and span. All right. Anyway.

But yeah, I really hate bending down onto the ground and picking something up. I did. Or touching a wrapper and moving it over to the garbage. No, it's not the wrapper. I just don't like. But why? It's not like you fucking throw your hand into the garbage. I just don't like smell. Like, you know, I always worry about whether or not I'll get a smell of the garbage and I just don't like smell.

Oh, you're such a princess. Okay, go on. Okay, ready? Yes. Do you keep hearing podcast ads like this one, for example, but always wonder how you actually get involved with them for your own brand or organization? Well, it's easier than you think. We're Acast and we give you the platform to do it all yourself. Browse thousands of popular podcasts. Choose the shows that match your perfect audience, set your budget, and launch.

And if you want a hand, our podcast specialists are there to help you launch with confidence. This is podcast advertising without barriers. Get started at acast.com slash advertise. Okay, next question. Hey, Sash and Lainey, I'm looking for some advice in my almost 10-year relationship. You can call me confused. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, E, for almost 10 years. We've lived together for the last seven-ish years. It hasn't always been good

He cheated lied and i've always forgiven him about five years in I had a feeling he was cheating. I knew it I felt it I went through his smart watch saw messages from his friend who mind you was married and she knew he was in a committed Relationship as well. Well, what I found out was that they were seeing each other She lived in a different state, but they were sexting sending pics. She paid for gifts for him He lied to me and said he was in school when he was actually working. He lied so he didn't have to pay any bills in our house. Then would talk bad about me for not having enough and struggling to support us and my

three children as well. My kids are from a previous relationship. I checked his watch one night and saw the messages between him and this lady and saw he had bought her an engagement ring. I busted in our bedroom and confronted him. He denied it. We broke up. He left the state we lived and went back to the state she was in.

she got divorced and within the month they got married. I found out via Facebook. He'd been calling and texting me, telling me he wanted his family back, that he loved me and missed me. Then boom, he's married. I was pissed. I messaged this girl and sent her screenshots of our text messages where he's saying he wanted me to let him back home. He was very upset and said many mean and hateful things to me and she didn't believe it. E and I continue to talk. He promised me he'd change and that he was sorry for hurting me. He told me he wanted to make it work. He was back and forth between me and her. Um, finally he left and came back to me full time. I pushed him to file for divorce, which we, which he has done, but he tells me he's never getting married again.

He's gotten upset with me and said he doesn't know why he's with me. Doesn't like how I parent my three kids. My kids in general are always an issue. My kid, my question is I feel stuck. He said that there are still things about me that make him not want to get married but i feel like if after this amount of time together he doesn't know by now what's the point he says he loves me and he never loved her that it was a mistake he only did it because of money i feel like i'm not good enough like i'll never have my forever please help thank you in advance oh okay e is the dude And this person didn't give their name. So this is confused.

Okay. I think that I can't call this person confused because I think it would be too confusing to talk about how confused confused is. Because this is very confusing. Yeah. Yeah. So confused. I'm just going to give you a name.

The name I'm going to give you is I'm going to give you Amanda. Amanda. Okay. Okay. Amanda. um this makes me so sad but also makes me super exhausted because i've i you know we've talked about this in previous podcasts where you see your friend in just the the worst shape and in the worst relationship and they can't see their way out so part of me feels so much sadness for

her but like it's like almost like i have like friend ptsd like i'm like angry because i'm like what the fuck are you doing um and sometimes what frustrates me the most is that people are like in they think they're in the relationship right like amanda's in this relationship with e but she's really in a relationship with the fucking drama she's really like the dysfunction and it's not because she's you know like actively choosing choosing to do that but like because the last seven and a half years almost 10 years of her life has been with him she doesn't know what normal is anymore so she's just fucking sucked into this vortex of fucking insanity like if you could i hope this is like kind of the only advice i can give her amanda i hope that you listen to

laney read your letter back and and would you let anybody you cared about be in this fucked up situation a man who got married to somebody you knew um behind your back then comes back to you treats you like fucking horse shit and then says he doesn't want to ever marry you again and you're a horrible person like where what what how where why yeah what the fuck no i think amanda i think Amanda knows all that, Sash. And I think the two key words in Amanda's letter are the last two words, which is please help. Amanda, you need help. You're asking us for help. And I mean, we're going to try and help you as best we can here. But I think, I hope that you knowing that you desperately need help to extricate yourself from this toxic situation is a good thing that

you are recognizing that this is terrible and that for whatever reason you can't pull yourself out of it yourself and, you know, you need assistance. So my first thing is that I hope you have somebody to talk to, like a professional, if there's therapy that you can go to. And not just now, but I think you're probably going to need therapy for a while to figure out the past and why you made the choices that you did and to help you make better choices in the future. So I really, the first thing, if you, if you are able to do it is to see if you can find counseling, if someone can recommend counseling to you, because I think it's definitely a critical thing. And I, I, when I read, when I hear you say, please help, you know, I get why you,

I get why Amanda feels like a desperate because this sounds like a desperate situation, but I also feel like Amanda, you've taken your own part in this out and everything seems to be dictated by him. And to a certain extent, I get why, because he sounds like an asshole, but there are things that you can control and there are things that you can go back and revisit and assigned to yourself. And I'm not, I don't want, I'm not trying to kick Amanda when she's down here. Let me try and explain what I'm getting at is when you feel out of control, it's like nothing that you decide makes a difference. Right. And I think in this case with Amanda, the way that she told her story, it was like she was helpless and he did everything.

But what I would like Amanda to do is reframe certain parts of the story, not to, like, alleviate any of his, Ethan's blame. I don't know. His name is E and I'm just calling him Ethan. Is to, when you reframe the story, I want Amanda to identify the parts in the story where she actually made a decision to stay or not. And that way, Amanda, in a fucked up way, that helps you take back control. When you can look at a situation and say, I could have done something different, it means that you could have had a control over your actions. So one of those things, Amanda, is you were almost rid of Ethan. He went, left the state, and married somebody else.

At that point, you didn't have to check up on him on Facebook. At that point, you didn't have to send the other lady those screen caps. At that point, the choice, the control that you could have had in the situation is just to cut it off and be like, okay, he's out of my life. What do I do? I have to put it back together. That is something at that point that you may have been able to control. So I just want to show to you, point out to you, Amanda, that you do have control. You can do things. You can do it. It just, you just have to train yourself to get to that point. Is that, did any of what I said make sense? That made a lot of sense because that's what I find that when I see this happening in my

own friend circle is that they feel helpless and they feel like they don't have control. And in fact, they do. And that's, you know, the next thing to be able to do is when you see those glimmers of potential take back my life is that's when you make the steps to do certain things that will get you there is that looking for an apartment is or well first is that like putting aside some money so that you do have an ability to be financially secure maybe from him right because that sometimes can hold people back is it maybe making an appointment with a therapist on top of that maybe is it making an appointment with a lawyer to see what your rights are right now you know you have three children what that would look like if you actually left him so there

are steps that you can take in these little like breaks of time between you and Ethan, right? So that you can center yourself and figure out what is a plan of attack. It doesn't mean that you have to take it, but if you can start planting some steps to get out of this, then it becomes more real. It's more possible. And so those are the things that you should start keeping in mind. Like if you are truly at a place where you're asking for, please help, then, you know, you have to kind of take on the brunt of this and start figuring out what you want your life to look like and in order for that to happen you've got to put some things in place and that will be there'll be some baby steps it'll be a you know won't be overnight but you've got to put in the

hard work and you've got to look inwards and you've got to also figure out your your plan of attack and that means you have to you have to make some hard decisions but you actually have you have, as Lainey has said, like the ability and the confidence and the control to do so. Yeah. I think those are concrete things, you know, therapy, making phone calls, doing some research, seeing what your options are. And then it's the mindset, Amanda. It's the mindset, tweaking your perspective and giving yourself back control. And, you know, start with, yes, reviewing reviewing the decisions and choices you made that you had a hand in getting yourself to this place but also reviewing the way that you're seeing your current relationship at the end you

know you keep going on and on about like he says that he doesn't want to get married why the fuck is marriage on the table girl yeah yeah like right it doesn't you know it is irrelevant what he thinks about marriage and whether or not he's going to marry you. Because what should be top of mind, Amanda, is you will never marry him. This is wrong. This relationship, all of it is wrong. So I'm not sure if you were writing into us, Amanda, so that we could, you know, put it to you in black and white within no uncertain terms, if this is the kind of help you needed. But this is not for you. You say, I'll never have my forever. Well, he is not your forever. So if you already know it's clear to me and sash if you already know this dude is not your forever why are

you wasting one extra minute talking about whether or not he wants to marry you and how can he change his mind and this not the other who fucking cares i don't give a shit about whether or not he's gonna marry you what i care about is you finally saying you don't want to marry him ever and your forever needs to start by saying bye to him yeah totally and also the other thing i'll just say is like you know sometimes when people are in like a decade-long relationship they're like well fuck I've fucked shit up already so I might as well fucking just like continue on being in this shitty you know in this shitty relationship because what could possibly happen I have to restart my whole life like fuck that would take forever that might not go well I and that's what I hope Amanda can

see after this and after the work that she does hopefully with therapists is that like anything is better than this relationship. Do you know what I mean? Like being by yourself forever in the future with your three kids is better than what you're with with Ethan. So yes, I like that. I mean, I think that that is a good way to end, Amanda, is what Sasha said. Essentially, Ethan being with Ethan is the worst thing possible. Totally. Yeah. Anything else is an improvement. Totally. Um, sorry if that's harsh. We, we are, this is so sad. We're very, very sad for you, but as you said, you need help. And the first step to getting help is just to call the situation what it is. Yeah. So good luck. Keep us posted though. Keep us posted. And we have one

more question. Okay. Ready? Yeah. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. Am I setting myself up for failure if I start dating someone who lives a few hundred kilometers away and with their grandparents during the middle of the pandemic? Good opener. Lainey would say no. Lainey's always good for anything. Tyler and I, call me Brandon or whatever you would like. Okay. Should we go with Tyler and Brandon? Yeah. Okay. Tyler and Brandon met on a dating app. We're hearing from Brandon right now a month ago and instantly hit it off. First, we chatted through the app back and forth for a week. Then we started texting daily for a week. And now we've been texting every day throughout the day and talking on the phone for several hours a day. We connect and get along about so much. I'm in the

big city. He's from a smaller town about an hour and a half away. Even though we differ on some things politically, we both share a lot of the same values about family, relationships, the future, monogamy, not always easy in the gay community, and more. He's the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning. Tyler is working from home, but his work is fairly relaxed due to COVID. I'm a recent graduate, so I'm looking for full-time work. Both of us have a lot of time throughout the day to text and chat on the phone, and the conversation never runs dry. We discuss very intimate details of our lives, fears, hopes, dreams, anxieties. We also started sexting a few weeks back to make sure we're sexually compatible. We are. See,

That's a great way to test it out, man. Sexting, phone sex. Yeah. Anyway, I got distracted. I live alone, but Tyler moved back to his hometown and moved in with his grandparents when COVID began. This was to help his grandparents out around the house as they usually had different caretakers coming in and out because Tyler was living with an ex who he'd split up from at this

point. The dilemma that we find ourselves in right now is that Tyler lives with his elderly grandparents. The grandparents do not seem particularly concerned about COVID, but Tyler is worried about transmitting it to them if he were to catch it. I'm going to spend the weekend with Tyler in his small town, but we're staying at an Airbnb for the weekend. I'm also waiting on the results of a COVID test as an extra precaution, although at this point I don't go out much, what with not working and the pandemic. Tyler and I feel like these are reasonable precautions in order for us to spend the weekend together. Since I do not drive, I will take the train from the city and

he'll pick me up. I'm super excited for the weekend and I hope to just spend it in bed with Tyler, if you know what I mean. Yes, very clear, Brandon. I'm very nervous as we haven't met yet, but my gut is telling me that we will vibe in person as well or better than we do on the phone. My concern is that I'm looking into the future and what this means. How do we proceed? I don't know if I can get a COVID test every time we want to spend the weekend together from now until possibly mid-2021, if there's even a vaccine by then. The way in which Tyler and I met very much feels like we are dating, despite not having met. If he didn't live with his grandparents, things might be easier and I wouldn't even think much of the distance as he drives. But given that

he does and we live far enough away that we can't meet for coffee walks, I don't know if I'm setting myself up to be disappointed when we realize there is no future. I really, really like this guy. It sounds crazy, but I'm envisioning what the future might look like. Am I doomed? Sincerely, Brandon. Brandon. This is, but this is so weird that this advice podcast has come to like COVID-19 dating questions. But like real time, like. Yeah. It's.

Oh my God, I love it. No, I don't love it. It stresses me out. Okay. Okay. So Brandon is going to meet Tyler, but they haven't met in person. But Tyler lives with grandparents and he doesn't know how he's going to actually have a functional relationship with this guy because he lives with his grandparents right I guess I mean listen I

don't I'm you say what you need to say because I don't think I have much oh well no because you don't have much I want to hear what you say I think that Brandon I think that you are like really making this way too complicated I think it's all there Brandon what are you trying to no no no stop speaking in code you want him to like go fucking granny's bed and just like it's all good in the hood at what point how did we get to the point where you're fucked how did we get to the point where you think that brandon wants to get into granny's bed okay well they're lit they live he lives in fucking his grandparents house so how are you so what brand is just gonna roll up in fucking granny and gramps house and just be like hey we're just gonna take the third fucking

bedroom? Yeah. Eventually after one or two more Airbnb visits or whatever. I mean, but Brandon's like, am I going to have to fucking take a COVID test all the time? Well, listen, if at that point you're that serious and if at that point you are that serious, then no, you don't have to take a COVID test because you will be in each other's bubble. So the promise will be that if you want to see Tyler and the grandparents because Tyler lives with the grandparents, then you don't see anybody else. Like that is the choice people, that is the choice people are making all the time. I mean, I, I actually, I understand, like I'm excited for you, Brandon. I just think you're, you're throwing up a lot of complication that isn't necessary right now in the sense of you

have a great guy who seems really responsible and super sweet to be like looking after his elderly grandparents i mean god i love him seems like he's a responsible human being you know both of you are responsible with your covid testing and you're getting an airbnb so nobody is an asshole here everybody's attracted to each other the values seem to align but it's just that this is the new reality of the pandemic brandon do you think you're going to meet somebody else where COVID tests and bubbles aren't required. Yeah, it's true. My thing is what I was going to say is what what makes me feel a little bit like I don't love I don't love that Brandon has to get on a fucking train every time to see him because that does expose him to potential COVID-19. So for

me, I was going to say, Brandon, yeah, you got to take a fucking COVID test all the time. And like everyone's doing that. Anybody who's like, you know, working in our industry, I know people who are on set and have to take covid tests like literally every other day so brandon if you're going up for the fucking d and gonna see granny and gramps then you're gonna have to take a fucking covid test yeah and ideally fucking rapid covid tests are gonna come and you can get that shit like right when you're off the train and everything will be good but yeah like there is not there in this time that we're living it's gonna be fucking hella complicated with covid and like nothing is gonna be like it used to be so yeah you're gonna have to jump through a bunch of fucking hoops

to see this boy like the end like there is yeah I mean if we're gonna go deeper like I'm not even worried about all that stuff am I gonna psychologize Brandon Brandon I think you are throwing up all of these concerns because you know Tyler might he's Tyler is special and you can feel those nervous and you're nervous and you are trying to like you know I don't know back give yourself a little bit of a sabotage because you're afraid of how serious this could be. It's, you know, the thing, the magic that everybody looks for. Maybe you hit upon it and you're, you're, I don't know, you're anxious. You don't want to jinx it. You're getting cold feet and that's okay because everything to me, at least everything that you've laid out, I don't see the

problem. This is the new world. This is how everybody is dating. And if they're not taking the precautions that you're taking i don't want you know they're not as they're not as like smart as you yeah it's true it's so this is yeah go forth and fuck brandon yes okay fuck your brains out get on the train get into that airbnb like put your music on I don't know do the thing do it over and over again and be go forth and fuck I love you because really I was so on Brandon's like confusion train like oh god what and then yeah you just spell it out because you're really you'll do anything for the d like anytime we get those sort of things people are like I have to fucking pilgrimage to this person's fucking house you're like

fucking pilgrimage no we've heard worse we've heard from people who wanted to go get like the and they weren't telling us about COVID tests. They were telling us about five hours of driving. Remember that chick? And you're always like, go for the five hours. You always side with like, how do you, go fuck. Yes. Sex, yes.

But look at Brandon. Brandon is coming to us with plans and science. That's true. It's true. How am I going to, why would I shut that down? Yes, no, you shouldn't. Brandon, there's no problem here. There is no problem here.

Have fun, okay? I even say have fun, and that's hard for me to say. Great. And you know what? I would love an update on this one. I feel like we'll get one. I feel like we'll get one. Please give details, too.

Yeah. So that's it. Keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LadyGossip.com. And subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Leave comments and reviews. Thank you so much. We'll be back soon. Bye.

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