What's Your Drama - Friend Code and Opposite Sex Friendships

Episode Date: October 27, 2017

Welcome back to the Sasha Answers Podcast (Friday edition)!Sorry for the delay this week but we’re back with a good one this week mostly because Lainey’s high on cold pills and I was just kind drunk.On today’s podcast: It’s all friend drama on deck! Is there a friend code after you break up with a partner and can your partner really be friends with the opposite sex. Also, we revisit my jury duty experience and I reveal what the case was actually about. Spoiler alert: MURDER in the first degree. Come on.Keep your questions to me at [e-mail] and hit us up on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course check us out on iTunes and Google Play.S. xoxo  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Lainey, and welcome to the Lainey Gossip Podcast with Sasha Answers. Hi, how are you feeling? I'm okay, but I love that you were like, you walked in the door and you're like, I need to leave soon. Do not infect me. If this podcast is a wee short, it's because I want to get the fuck out of this, like, death hole. Like, Gastic's sitting here with his t-shirt over his mouth and nose, and I contemplated bringing an Asian wearing your hat suit in here a little face mask um so over the last few episodes we have turned Sasha Answers into a little like true crime

podcast because of your jury journeys um should we just tell the bad news the bad news is I didn't get picked but I did get three days of potential right something what I don't I don't know what you'd call that but I got three days of taste of the legal system I wasn't like I was I will say I was very frustrated for you because I I you didn't even get to like audition nope I didn't get to go in and say words or look anybody in the eye yeah it was sad for me like but do you know how close I was and I know sorry if that's my dog so yeah the scraping the dog yeah he's also frustrated for me he's so mad he's fucking scraping his bed he's like why the fuck wasn't sasha chosen no no not even chosen you didn't even get to be chosen like whatever i just feel bad i don't want

people to be like bored by this but i just need them to also be invested in my life like i'm invested in theirs and this was a really heartbreaking moment for me that i didn't get chosen but let me say so the third fucking day right you guys know about the first you know about the second. The third day I was supposed to be called in and I would know by 10.05 whether they needed to replace jurors or not. Then cut to three hours later, we're still in the room because something fucked up has happened with the jurors. So everyone's like, oh my God. Okay. Like who's dropping out? How many have dropped out? So the drama was there and I was so fucking excited and then cut to yes. And then two more hours later they were like, uh, we don't need you.

everything's been figured out and the whole honestly the whole group of 20 people stood up and like were like yay and I looked at them I was like you fucking assholes I was actually so mad and I'm this is not for play I was so mad you wanted to give back to your country yes and can we also and they would always say that to the people that were working for the court system when they were like I'm sorry for the wait but like you're doing this for your country and I felt so much fucking pride. I was like, how fucking damn straight I am. This is amazing. But we should talk about the actual crime. No, before that, I just want to talk about the fact that I would be frustrated. I understand the legal system is set up this way and they have their reasons, but

not to compare things always to show business, but let's say you're auditioning for a part or you are seeing like several actors for a lead role and 50 of them come in you see all 50 to make sure like i know you don't leave anything on the table that is not the way on the table they did leave you on the table like you know what if you if they had brought you into the little box and asked those questions and then they were like no thanks you know we think that you are not a suitable jury member fine but you didn't even get i know i didn't get to shine get to prepare your monologue. No. And I had one already, which was like, I do have health. Judge, I do have health issues actually, but I will forego them. I will make sure that my doctor appointments are

after. Like I was ready to be like, lay it out on the line. But if I were a defendant or whatever, someone whose life was on the line with this trial, I would be like, who else did they leave on the table? Right? Right. They left a bunch of people. Mainly just me. I mean, not that I intend to, but like, please, please, please let me never be on trial because I, that's what I would be thinking about the whole time. I would be like, there's a pool of 400 like potential jury members and not all of them were interviewed and I don't know what they've left out there. Someone who could save my life.

Exactly. I could have saved a fucking life. So can we talk about the lives or life that I could have saved? I do not want to be lumped into the same category as the people who are like on trial that you could have. Right. Like, okay, this was – it's basically you were auditioning to be a jury member for the most high-profile murder trial in Canada right now.

Yes. Like a crazy, two defendants. Oh, my God. And it's the second time, I think, they're standing trial for murder in, like, two years. Yes. Like, yeah. These are not very nice people. I don't want to get into super detail because, exactly, they're not allegedly nice people.

No, but it had everything I wanted in a trial. And I think now that anyone, I don't know, are we, Lainey, are we allowed to talk about this? Well, like, did you have to sign something and say, okay, then no. Yeah, you can talk about it. So it was, it happened five years ago. They're just coming to trial now. There are two alleged murderers for the missing body of a woman named Laura Babcock.

and what's so unfortunate, but it is really so interesting. One of the defendants is actually representing himself, which has been like another interesting layer in the news. Cut to everybody and their motherfucker are live tweeting about this trial. And like a desperate girlfriend who can't understand that her boyfriend has broken up with her, I can't understand that the jury system of Canada has broken up with me. So I keep on going on Twitter every day and following the trial as it is going live, which is so desperate.

You're still a jury member. You're acting as a jury member still. I'm a girlfriend who got dumped and I can't get that together in my head. You came so close. I know. But I, yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Is it because your last name starts, like, is it alphabetical?

No. They didn't get to the T's? No. It was just random. It was all random picking. anyway i'm glad and i keep on i was so upset the day and i i sound like i'm i'm being dramatic but i was and i'm not exaggerating like i was actually really like mad and upset and my mom had to like calm me down she's like it's okay like the same mom things that they would say like don't worry

it just wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be right and it's true like it wasn't mine to have well yeah i don't want another one so it's not i don't even want to will another jury selection look it's gonna happen now that you don't want it anymore i don't want it I don't fucking want it. Now that you've said you don't want it and you're not interested anymore, you're going to get it. Jacek was very happy for you. I know.

Jacek, why were you happy for me? You weren't happy for you, but Jacek was really happy for you. You'd be haunted by that shit. He thinks I would be haunted by that shit. And truly, I've actually dreamt about it. I've gotten up in the middle of the night at 4 a.m. and I think about it still. I think about it. I think about the trial, about what I've read, right?

What I've been like reading online in newspapers and during Twitter. What do you think it would have been like making eye contact with him? Really, I've thought about that. That's what actually keeps me up in the morning is… Because I tell you… I'll tell you right now. I think he did it. He did the other…

Oh. Like, I… Oh. Yeah. I mean, he's already been found guilty. There's two of them, by the way. They've already been found guilty. Yeah.

They've already been found guilty of, like, you know, a previous murder. And that was… I mean, I have no sympathy for this person, but then you have to just look at the evidence. I get it. But like that, to me, thinking that he did it, well, he did the previous one, which he's already guilty for. And if he's looking me in the eye, I'm like, oh my God, like I don't think I've ever been looked in the eye by a murderer before.

Knowingly. Knowingly. Me neither. And so that would, that's part of what my mom was saying. Also the other layer of it being, I actually don't, like even when I was reading the Twitter feeds of like journalists talking about the cross-examination and all that kind of stuff. I actually cried at my desk when they were – when the defendant was examining – cross-examining the woman's father.

Oh, no. And I actually was crying at my desk via a tweet. So I was like, fuck, you know what? Actually, I probably wasn't made for this. Like they probably would have been like, who's that crying bitch? Okay, but so the defendant slash attorney, because he was representing himself, had to talk to the father of the woman he allegedly murdered. That poor man, like the father.

Yeah. Like, Jacek is making hand signals right now because he is saying if he was the father, he would probably have leapt out of the witness box and killed him. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yes. And Jacek is also making rage eyes. So maybe let's, and he's shaking his head and he looks really upset.

Look what you've done, Sasha. I'm so sorry. Look what you've brought into this house in this podcast. Well, this house is already fucking filled with nasty shit. Yasik's getting really emotional. Do we need to take a break? I couldn't fucking believe that. Yeah, he's getting really emotional anyway.

Okay. Let's move on to other people's emotions, shall we? Yeah. All right. First question. I have a question about friend code. I'll try and make it as concise as possible. Jay and I have been friends for over a decade.

We went to high school together and now are in university together and have always been tight. She's not my best friend, but we are very close. I started dating M two years ago, and after a rocky time together, drunk fights, jealousy, we broke up late summer. I know he wasn't the one, but I'm not over him yet, and there are times where I do wish we could have had a do-over to see if I could make it work. The problem is that now Jay and M have a class together, and now they study together and

have become quote-unquote friends. I know this because last month she asked me to meet for coffee and wanted to lay it out on the table that although we are friends and that she has my back, that her and Em have been hanging out and she doesn't want me to take their friendship out of context. But I can't help but take it out of context because why does she have to go and be friends with him? Em was never really in our friend group before and now I see him basically every weekend because Jay invites him to the same parties that I'm at.

It's really hard to see Em all the time, especially when I look over and Jay and Em are all friendly in a corner i'm mad and jealous and i'm not sure what to do can i tell jane not to see m anymore she has so many friends why does m have to be one of them any advice would be appreciated what a stinky ass french fucking our writer has i feel like we this comes up a lot like we haven't i don't think we've even answered one of this and one of these questions before have we? Probably. No, I feel like we… But anyway, so J is the writer, M is the friend. No. J is the friend and M is the guy. Oh, okay. Right. So… But we don't have a name for our… Okay. Got it.

Yeah. So you're calling J a stanky friend. I'm calling J a stanky friend. Because come on, one of the perks of having friends is they'll have your back to hate your ex-boyfriend. Right. Right. Like that is one of the really good benefits. And the fact that Jay has turned her back on, what are you looking at? Nothing. Sorry, cut that out. The fact that Jay, I feel like, has sold out her friend to be friends with M, her ex-boyfriend, is fucking lame. It's fucking lame. I can tell you that like at least according to the dirty romance novels I read And a lot of them take place like when people – Is this porn again?

What? Or is this a dirt – sorry, I can't decipher. Is this porn or is this dirty books? Like – Same death. Words porn. Okay. That's what you mean.

So, I mean, you know I've said many times – So just say porn. I read fucking dirty books, porny books. What do you want me to say? Yeah. Like this comes up a lot. Like because, you know, there's – This is a plot line?

Well, I mean, these issues come up a lot. Because I like reading about college age people. And like how horny they get and then the dramas they get into. And these like situations happen all the time. Now, I don't know if these writers are basing it on like actual numbers and demographics of drama in colleges and universities across North America, but I imagine that this is, you know, you're getting drunk every weekend, you're meeting new people, you're hanging out on different floors of different dorms, and then inevitably somebody fucks somebody

else's ex and whatever. whatever so then it gets really sexy but this chick jay isn't in it for dick with m she wants to just be friends right now but friends is what she's saying well i think both you like both of us can read jay's plan here like jay has a plan like this is she's laying some groundwork okay right shonda rhimes would say she's laying track yeah um although she says it like in a story narrative way, but this is the story. This is the story that's coming. I think everybody fucking listening out there knows what Jay's up to.

So I guess what I would appreciate is just for Jay to just come right out and be like, hey, we're friends now, but like, you know, I rub myself off when I think about it. Right. Right. Or like I fantasize about Kim kissing me. Yeah. And I, you know, I want it to happen soon. I can see it's going there.

Like, let's put it out there. Don't give a half truth. Yeah, but she clearly is a bit shady. So that's why she hasn't come out to say that. Exactly. So what do you deal… How do you deal with a friend who's like, dude, like, chill. I'm just friends with your ex.

Like, can we just like… Is that cool? Well, for me, I even think about like, I'm a married woman. And if you started to be friends with my ex-boyfriend, who I have not seen in probably close to a decade. Yeah. I would still be like, fuck you, Lainey. Don't fucking hang out with him.

And that's crazy. I know that. But sometimes you have to like… No, I'm on the side of hating him. Okay, good, good, good. Right? Like, no, hating her. Hey, I'm on the side of hating the guy.

Oh, M, but I want you to hate J too, I guess is what I'm saying. Well, no, no, no. Like, that's what you said at the beginning. Like, your friends should stand next to you and hate the people you used to date. Yes, yes. Like, but I would not allow you to be friends with the ex-boyfriend. Right. No, no, no.

Yeah. Right? I mean, I think it's different in our, oh, I don't know. Maybe in our circles it's different. It isn't different, like, because she had a class with that guy and they're, like, studying together and whatnot. Like, it's easy to avoid people when you're not in school and you don't have classes. That's what's complicated.

Okay. But even if you worked with my ex, I would be like, don't do that. don't have don't please and i wouldn't like if you and cory broke up i hate cory forever of course and like yeah he's never allowed anywhere near the website devoted to hating him totally thank you and that's what friends should do and i think that's the message we need well this is not what's happening here too late so what should she do because at this point it's too late so now it's about saving face, as you know, like, I am all about don't let people know you're bothered. Right.

So now you know that, I mean, in Sasha's mind, Jay is not a true friend. Right? In this scenario, no. In my mind, I think she's, right now, like, she would be a truer friend in my mind if she would just come right out and say and give you the 100 instead of the 50. Right. But she's only giving the 50. So if she's only giving the 50, then like you said already, she's not your best, best

friend. Yeah. She's just a really good friend. Now, you know, like you've got, you've got some, some, some red flag to put in the file. And that's what I think it is too. Like you put that shit in your back pocket and you now know what kind of person she is in these kinds of situations. She's not someone who actually has your back, right?

And like, do I want to quote Maya Angelou right now? Of course I do. Which is, come on. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. Yeah. It's so cheesy, but it's true. And in this case, this applies. So just know that.

I would gently keep some distance and I would look really fucking great every time you see him at the parties. Can I just, like, I think too that, you know, part of the reason why I love horny books about people at this age is because the drama is so hilarious because at this age like everything is magnified and everything is blown up to like urgent levels yes so i get it like for you out there you feel like this is your thing this is your issue right now and you go to parties and you see them and it's like biting your ass but part of the reason it is is because like you haven't gotten over him by getting on somebody else yet yes like this is like the mature

woman slant right which is go sit on someone else's face and look good doing it like it it's not supposed to work because all the books about healing and self-actualization say love yourself and be comfortable within yourself and all that is true but in my experience right

you'll stop caring as much as you do as soon as like something else is distracting you so true part of what we're doing here is helping you

just not be so pissed off about it yeah and you won't be as pissed off about it if you find a distraction amen safely

with consent protection yes enjoy okay next question um i've been dating someone for just over a year who i love very much he's not giving me a reason to doubt him i think my first love declared i love you within one month then abruptly said he no longer loved me by a text and left my possessions on the sidewalk outside his apartment what the fuck so this was a past relationship of hers a few years later i met a charming guy and fell in love after less than a year of dating i learned through a complete stranger that he was still with his girlfriend from high school.

Now, I'm in my early 30s and happily dating for a little over a year, what is by all appearances a great guy. I hang out with his friends, we go to weddings, we plan future trips. I've met his family, and I'm so ashamed to find myself uncomfortable now over a female friend of his. He mentions her a lot. He sometimes says that he doesn't even like her partner. And when we first met, it seemed like she was competitive with me.

He says that they have no history, and I can see two possibilities with an annoying gray area in between. Am I reading too much into a friendship or has my history of ignoring signs a wash and repeat? I want to be less scared and close, but is this something to bring up with him? How do you address reactions based on past emotional trauma with someone who hasn't traumatized you yet?

Wow. That's interesting. It is interesting because I can see both sides. Yeah. Like given the past and how certain people have fucked her over, Or, yeah, she's probably walking around with a little bit of a wound and… And also being like, I will make sure that if I ever see a sign, I will act on it. Yes.

Yeah. But I also have, like, you know, the friend in his life is pinging me too. Right. Is she pinging you? I'm getting some pings. Right. From that situation. Right.

So, I don't know. Let's talk this through. This is interesting. I kind of am of like the mindset that if someone's going to fuck you over, like if the person that you're dating is going to cheat on your ass, he's just going to, he or she is just going to cheat on your ass. Like there's not many things you can do when you are with a sleazy person. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know. You can check all the fucking text messages. You can fucking side eye the friends. You can just be like paranoid of everything. but at the end of the day he's still gonna fucking cheat on your ass you know even if you do try to think that you're taking precautions and for right now i feel like um to our writer like you're with a good guy he happens to have a friend that's a girl but it's not like you didn't mention like she's with you every weekend that she's like calling him incessantly like you know he doesn't

like the guy that she's with okay that's fair that's what friends do they judge who their who their friends are dating. And she was a little bit maybe cold with you. But that's also fair because you are kind of new in his life and she's probably just trying to protect her friend as well. So instead of like freaking out over it and like losing sleep over it, I think the best strategy would be like try to befriend her a bit. Like try to win her over or try to get to know her so that you can put aside any potential animosity that could be coming from her. um well i would say too that in their relationship i want to know what the communication is like has she disclosed to him how badly she's been hurt in the past right like

probably moving forward you kind of have to just put your baggage on the table like hey this is what happened um my furniture and belongings ended up on a sidewalk yeah and I'm a little bit scarred from that yeah yeah so can we work together to move like move me along like I realize that I have issues you probably have some issues but like you know it I think it's I know what you're saying but the examples that she's given aren't any red flags to me he said he didn't like her boyfriend and he talks about her all the time is that what she said yeah Stand by. Let me read that again.

All right. I'll stand by. I've had a little bit of hard alcohol in my brain. No bueno right now. She says he mentions her a lot, which is like, okay, but like I mention you to Corey a lot because you're my friend. Like that's normal. That's above board.

I would be scared if he wasn't mentioning her a lot, to be quite honest with you. That's the flip side of it. And yeah, he doesn't like her boyfriend. Fine. And that's about it. Like that's, that to me is above board. I wouldn't get, I wouldn't get my panties in a twist about it. I would keep my eye on it.

If her spidey senses are tingling, fine. Let them tingle on. But what's wrong with like, what's wrong with coming into the relationship being open about your insecurities? Of course you should. I just imagine that a year into this, meeting family, going on trips, planning your future, you've probably said, hey buddy, I've been fucking janked by two prior boyfriends. Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, okay. No. Okay. Like I have, I have now, I know of relationships and then I've seen now people hardly knowing each other after a year, even if they're planning trips and meeting family members. Like it's, I don't know that people are talking in the way that we, we say that you should be talking. Okay.

Okay. Then that's, that's good advice then to our writer. If you haven't yet, then I would, I would let, it's time to get ugly. Yeah. Like, show off the parts of yourself that you might be, like, not so proud of. Yeah. Or just not even that you're not so proud of that you just feel insecure about or have, you know, some weakness about past relationships that might make you feel insecure in this

one. Maybe it's because I've heard so many dating horror stories, too, lately about, like, not knowing someone until, you know, it's too late. It's too late. So I get it. Like, I want her to be safe, but I also think that once you open yourself up to love, as corny as this sounds, it means you have to open yourself up to love, make yourself vulnerable. And part of that is, as you say, Sash, trust it.

Like, if someone's going to cheat on you, they're going to cheat on you. You can't prevent it. You might as well go whole hog into a relationship. But number two is to lay it out and, like, explain your behaviors and explain your insecurities and explain your perspective. The only way to do that is to kind of, you know, you don't have to go into like how much you love the guy or whatever, but hey, I was really into this guy who told me he loved me and then my furniture ended up on the sidewalk.

Right. Yeah. Yes. So, yeah, I think that that's, I think that that is like at least… A good first step. A good muscle to exercise in the relationship. I don't know how that's going to set you back anyway. Agreed.

Good luck. Yeah, keep us posted and keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LaineyGossip.com. I'm going to actually now pour rubbing alcohol into my system because I feel like I'm getting sick just from being in this fucking disgusting environment. Bless you. I love you. Yeah, it's like even like Swiffered and clean before you came over. What did I say when I came here?

It smells like sick. It doesn't smell like sick. It smells like clean. Cleaner. Clean mixed because it's trying to mask the – don't cough right now. Okay, bye. bye check us out on iTunes

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