What's Your Drama - Ghosting Henry Golding & Relationship Deal Breakers

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

Lainey gives us all the play by play on her elevator run-in with Henry Golding and how he will basically be haunted by her for the rest of his days on earth. Then it's your drama! We discuss what to do when you and your partner don't have the same vision for the future. How do you ask for more dough at your job, especially when you know your other colleagues are making more than you? And finally, is it ever cool to re-ignite an old Facebook friendship after decades of not talking, especially when um, you're in a relationship. We hope you enjoy the show and now that we are back I need you to start sending me all your DRAMA! So keep your advice questions coming my way at [e-mail].  We also love hearing from you to be sure to send us feedback on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I was in a small, confined space with the couple you're obsessed with, like literally, yeah. Hi, this is Lainey. Hi, this is Sasha. And we are What's Your Drama, our podcast about your drama, and we try not to judge it, but… Oh, but we inevitably do. If you require judging, we are here for you. Thanks for joining us. This week we are getting into relationships, both at work and personal.

We've got three really, really interesting dilemmas to work through. But first, I just got off a plane. I was at a junket and I would like to share with you my encounter. Yeah, with a couple that I like? With, like, I mean, fantasy beauty. Oh, okay. I know. I think I know.

Tell me. I want to know every detail. So I went to New York for The Last Christmas Junket, directed by Paul Feig, starring Emilia Clarke and Henry Golding. Yes. Oh, okay. It's a rom-com. Yeah.

You've seen it, right? I actually just saw a preview of it before I came over to your house. So the movie… Is it shit? Sorry, are you allowed to say if it's shit or not? I am, but I can't say it's shit because every five minutes a George Michael song plays. Oh. And that's, you know, even if there are problems with the movie, which, again, I don't recall

because… The soundtrack was that good? It's essentially a movie set to George Michael music. Oh. And, you know, there's several songs from Listen Without Prejudice. Yes. Which, come on, right? I, he, I, you know, feel so many lovely feelings about George Michael and has, you know, nostalgia

to the tits. Got it. Okay. When, I don't know, Waiting for That Day or Freedom starts playing, you're not going to care how… Bad the acting is. No. And it wasn't bad.

Plus, everybody looks great. But this film takes place in London at the most, like the prettiest time of year, which All of you, if you ever get the chance to go to London in December, go because it's magic. It is magical. So I love this movie. I think people are going to love this movie. Anyway, my point is I go to the Junket and we're staying at this adorable hotel. Sorry, is the Junket in London or?

No, it's in New York. Oh, okay, okay. So I'm in New York at this adorable hotel and this is what I love and I know you love it too when you don't have to leave your hotel in a junket, not even for the screening. Yes, you literally just roll into elevator and then go to where you need to go. So the screening room of the theater is downstairs.

It's in the basement. I'm on the 10th floor. I spend all day in my room. It's pouring rain in New York. That's why you're so happy right now. This is why, because you haven't had to move more than like 5,000 steps all day. I did walk two blocks to go shopping

and I bought a couple of things. We can discuss that later. but then I spent all day in the hotel room and then I got a little hungry but I didn't want to eat too much because typically there are snacks and hors d'oeuvres before the screening so I ordered a little bite to eat and an old-fashioned just to kind of like get me in the mood right I'm sipping slowly in my room and before you know it I'm like oh shit I have to go downstairs to the movie. Yeah.

So I had just taken a shower. My hair's wet. I throw on my sweats. You've seen me like this a million times. Yeah. No makeup, fresh face,

hair straggly wet. And my hair has this… Holding a Negroni. What the fuck? Holding an old-fashioned. Right, old-fashioned, yeah. So my hair is half dry and half wet,

which is… Perfect for Iz. Mwah. Love that look. Right? It's that, like, gross… Wet dog look. And I just grab my pouch and I grab my drink and I'm like, I'll just take it with me

downstairs. Same hotel. They can, you know, find the bar to return the glass at. Why am I going to waste this drink? Wow. I've never done that before. I like this. Yeah, but it's an old fashioned, when the ice melts, the drink doesn't taste as good.

So I'm holding my tumbler. Yeah. Go to the elevator, hit the button, wait a few, I don't know, 20 seconds, bing, bing, the doors open. henry golding's incredible angelic face wow just you and him staring back at me okay in that moment it just felt like me and him but there were other people okay yeah and he's leaning and he's dressed for a night out in new york he has like an ass is that what they're called ascots that's what i would imagine no he's just wearing like a leisure jacket no i wouldn't say he's wearing like a rain

but not rain jacket. It's black. He's got a little five o'clock shadow happening. I mean, he is amazing. Yeah. Tall. Tall in real life.

Tall. Tall. And I mean, a face that is, it was, it's divine. Yep. And as we do

as half Asians. Exactly. But go on. There you go. So, and you know us, we work in a building where celebrities

come and go all the time. It doesn't faze us anymore. So I was not fazed by the fact that this is a movie star. I was fazed by the art that was in human form staring back at me. Wow, it's that good, hey? And I did the slow blink, like, um, like, um. The fact is that I'm to my right, Jacek's looking, and you actually look interested in this.

Yeah, it is. Okay, good. I do the slow blink that is, and then I walk with my tumbler in my hand. I love this. With my fucking crazy hair and my sweats into the elevator where I see Liv Lowe. Oh, even better. His stunning, also mixed race Asian wife who you're obsessed with her. She's beautiful.

You love her. Is she tall? Yes. But no, Lainey, is she tall in normal world, not your world? They're freaking giant people. No, no. She's taller than Duanna. Oh.

I know. I want Duanna to hear that because Duanna will be very mad. She doesn't think anyone's taller than her. So Livlo is tucked behind Henry. They're that cute couple where they're just holding each other all the time, but not in a gross way. Yep. They're perfect.

Wow. So I'm now in the elevator with… Dude, does anyone eye your drink? Like, who is this lush coming into the elevator? I'm not making eye contact. Oh, okay. At this point, I'm like, fuck me. Yeah.

Like, who am I? holding my phone, waltzing around a hotel. I love that though. Holding a drink. I might as well have been wearing a robe. A robe, exactly. Totally. I was this gross fucking trash. It actually sounds pretty awesome. Anyway, so they're covering, like they're standing in front of the elevator panel where you have to hit the button. Oh, an excuse to talk to them. Yes. No, but now, remember, I've not been to the basement. I don't know what exact floor. They just said to me, you know, the cinema is downstairs.

So I thought I'd be alone and I could look at the buttons. Right. I couldn't. So I had to be, like, not making eye contact. And I said to them, sorry, I just have to push my floor. Yeah. And so they shuffle backwards. And…

So you… Okay, I have so many questions. I don't want to get near them, so I bend from the waist. Oh, God. And you reach your arm. I'm so fucking awkward at this point. I'm so fucking awkward. But wait, isn't it more awkward that you know that you're going to be face to face with

him very soon in an interview? No, I'm just, I want to get out of there. Okay. I'm like, why? Oh, God. So you're doing all the things awkward. Yeah, I'm bending from the waist, leaning. I know this.

And this is like one of those fancy, classy hotels where it's not push buttons that light up. The buttons are like bronze and they have the floor number engraved in it but not painted. Yes. So if the light is low, you can't fucking see what button to press. And I'm not sure what, if it's marked as an S for screening room, B for basement, C for cinema, whatever. And it's taking me now, I'm at waist length to them, his groin is on my other side. I am like holding my drink and I'm like, what is the floor? What is the floor?

And the row of buttons that I'm looking for, they didn't mark it in any logical way. You know how there's a row of elevator buttons and then sometimes there's like a keyhole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the keyhole doesn't get in the way of the other buttons. This fucking keyhole is, like, in the way of me finding the buttons. It was completely nonsensical. I could not find the buttons. I love this because you never get flustered.

No. And then I hear them go, so now they're like, do we help this crazy bitch? Yes. Who's drunk. Maybe she's drunk and she can't find me. And does this floor even exist? And doesn't have a hairdryer. She doesn't have a hairdryer.

She's clearly just come out from somewhere very, very damp. Right? She thinks she's going down to the basement. Is there a basement? Oh, this is great. I love when you're a loser. Finally, I fucking press the button. The relief, because they're just about to get to the lobby.

Then I like straighten back up again. Don't make eye contact. They leave. So for 10 floors, you've been like bent over. Benched over. Yes. Yeah. Holding on to my drink.

Oh, I love that. Oh, great. It was the most mortifying thing. I love that. And they're so sophisticated, too. So it's like you must have just looked like a fucking wet New York rat. And they're beautiful faces. And just in case you had any doubt, I'm going to play you the video of what I looked like.

You took a video. When the fuck did you have time to make a video? When I got down to the screening room, I quickly basically chugged my old fashioned, asked for another one, and decided to document what I look like. Stand by. Okay, so what is this? Watch this video. So this is, if you think I'm exaggerating.

Well, first of all, what's that terrifying movie where you dressed up as that for Halloween? The Ring. The Ring. This is, this instantaneously looks very scary. Okay. Oh, Roots. Yep. Oh, you look not.

Haunted. You look haunted. I was a drunk ghost. Yes, but I love this. They rode the elevator with a drunk ghost. Yeah, I love that. I look ghostly, don't you think? You do, you do, you do.

Then how the fuck did you enter here? This is where we're going to go to. Yeah. We're all wondering. How do you- So how do you go from ghost drunk woman who just was stuck in an elevator being highly awkward to then sitting across from him? Like, did he recognize you?

Just take me there. He did not. Are you sure? Was he being polite? We had a great interview. Okay. He and Emilia Clarke were paired. We had a great interview.

It was so fun. Not one part of you wanted to be like, do you remember just a really weird ghostly person in the elevator? Why would you want? I would. I would go full on if I did that. You fucking lie. No, I would.

I would. You lie. I would. You would have been like, hey, remember me? I was the drunk ghost in the elevator with you last night. Oh, my God. I'm joking. Oh, my God.

Is that what you would say? No, I guess not. Okay. But I wanted you to. Okay. Yeah. Oh, so it was the night before. It was the night before.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. But what's so great is you know that they talked about you. That's the best part of it all. I wonder if they were like, remember that drunk ghost who walked into the elevator holding a drink? Oh, I love that. But anyway, yeah. So…

Oh, that brings me a lot of joy. That was… That was your… Yeah. My trashiest… One of the trashiest moments I've had all month. Oh, just all month? Oh my God. I don't know who's going to top that, but I hope that our writers will top

your embarrassment because that was really good. Thank you for that. Are we ready to get into other people's drama and not mine? Yes, we are. All right. First question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I've been dying to ask you this question, so here it goes. I started dating my now boyfriend about six months ago. Everything was going great until one day we were talking about our future and he told me flat out he doesn't want to get married. He said that after watching his parents divorce, he swore marriage off for good, but he says he doesn't want it to end. We're only 32. And while I know things are

still very early, should I even bother with someone who doesn't want the same future as me? I want to be married and that commitment. So what do I do? Stick it out or end things now before I really catch feelings? V. Oh, okay, V. I don't know. I mean, for me, I feel like it is early sorry what she said six months six months is pretty early and lots of things can change with time right and i also think you need to know who you're with like i will give you a perfect example because cory is just always my good example he i remember we were dating for probably a year or two and he was very much like and i was like okay let's are we taking this up a notch like is marriage happening like propose propose propose and he was like i have no interest in being

married. Like it's just, I don't want to be married. And that caused a lot of conflict. But I knew deep in my heart that Corey doesn't know anything and doesn't know what's good for him. Right. Like he just said no, because that wasn't what he was feeling. I would not do that with every guy. Right. But I knew who I was working with. I knew I was working with a stunted human being and that I could, I could force like the same thing. He didn't want a house. I made him buy a house, we're happy. Like all the things, like he didn't want to get married. He loves being married. He didn't want a wedding. The wedding was the best day of his life. Like I know him so well that I know what's good for him. I sound like a fucking psycho, but it's true. Like

I know who he is. So I feel like you also have to give enough time in this relationship to know who he is. Like really, will he bend on these things? Is this just a matter of a fearful thing that he could get over or is this actually how he feels? Do you know what I mean? Right. I'm scared though that this story gives people hope and I don't want them to. So I, that is, the condition here is I work, I have a very particular person. Corey is not like most human beings. No, he's not. Right. He's an anomaly. Yeah. So I just want to make that clear. Is he conscious that that's what you're doing I tell him that after the fact he doesn't know when it's happening right but after we've talked about it afterwards like remember the time you didn't want to marry me like what

a great decision right like I don't know I don't know but again he that is the caveat here Corey is not like everybody else but I think six months is kind of too early to tell right who you're with because fuck she might not want to fucking be with him either and sometimes when people tell you no I don't want to get married then you you're like brain switches you're like I need to marry I need to convince this person, right? So, like, everybody just needs to chill. They're still young. It's only been six months.

I don't know if I would pull the plug on it just yet is where I'm at. Yeah, I don't want to give people hope because… Oh, it's so bad. Is that bad that I gave up? No, no. As you said, Corey is an exception because there is… The counter to that exception is that saying, like, when people tell you who they are or show you who they are, believe them.

Like, his thing is he was very clear. sounds like he's very clear. He watched his parents get divorced and he doesn't think that he wants to go through the same thing, but he doesn't want to break up. That's what's confusing here, right? So you can't force someone. No.

Unless they're Corey. Yeah. You can't force someone to do and be a part of something that they're not into. Yeah. And he also can't expect her to change what she's wanted her whole life. Mm-hmm. So I don't know, but six months, like, I don't know, I don't understand about this

catching feelings thing because I would, don't you already have feelings by six months? Yeah, but… If you're talking about marriage, I'm expecting that feelings are involved. Right. But at the end of the day, it's only been six months, right? I feel like she's like, if I keep on investing time in him, more emotions are going to, like, at six months, at least you could break up and, you know, the idea would be you could probably move on and not be totally devastated. I know people who've been with someone for like a month and it's taken them like five

or six years to get over them. That seems a bit extra. Okay. Yeah. So, do you end it now? You're saying no. I wish I had retracted what I said. You can't.

You can't. I know I can't. I would still say, see how it goes. Because if he's there, he's not saying, I don't want to marry you. I just want to fucking like, you know, just use you as a fucking chew toy. He's saying, I want to be with you. I want the commitment. I just don't want the rings and the piece of paper.

Right. So there could be compromise down the line for her too. Like it's six months. Give it another six months and see how that develops. See if the feelings are actually real because, you know, if you're asking him to like meet you in the middle, maybe there's a way that you can, you know, push it a little bit further so that you guys could come to some sort of agreement where both people are happy. I don't know exactly how that would look.

Right. But just because she says, oh, I want to get married and that's end all be all, that's not necessarily fair either to him if they do have something special. I think we need another gauge here. Like, he doesn't want to be married as in husband and husband or husband and wife. Yeah. But does he want to have children? Oh, we haven't gotten there.

She did not say that. Because I would say, I mean, there are different levels of commitment, right? And, you know, I, like, I just want to, yeah. Where, how deep did this conversation go? Were there qualifiers? Right. We're missing that link. Yeah.

But I do think that there are, I mean, I feel like I hear this all the time. Oh my God, there was like a fucking Friends episode. Remember when Paul Rudd and, well, fuck, you could take this example and go with it too. Remember when Paul Rudd was Phoebe's boyfriend and they moved in together and then he said he didn't want to get married and then she was like, but I do, and then she broke it off with him. But they were both devastated because they both really wanted to be with each other.

Right. Do you not remember that, friends? I do. So, I mean, there's that too, right? If our writer really does feel so strongly about being married and having that be the end-all be-all for commitment… Be Phoebe. Be Phoebe and then break it off.

Oh, great. Right? Great Friends reference. There you go. I don't know that I can come up with anything better than that. Oh, okay. I've given two extremes. So find the middle ground, I guess.

Be Phoebe. Okay. Ready for the next one? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Sash and Lainey. I am currently working on a big project at work that gave me, completely legally and to the knowledge of all my bosses, access to the salaries of all my colleagues, both

local and foreign. That's good shit to see. My nipples are hard. Okay, that being said, I found out that I'm not being ripped off, great, but there are employees earning better salaries that were hired after me while working jobs that do not require my level of studies and or with less responsibilities. There's one particular employee hired three months ago who makes 10K more than I do. She's out of university, has one employment experience, and doesn't work more than the 40 hours I do. Also, two guys with desk jobs and

no diploma at all make slightly more than I do with better benefits and lesser taxes in a foreign office. I'm not trying to be elitist, but I got a master's and a professional accreditation. So my drama is, how do I get a freaking raise without looking like an ethically corrupt whiner? I mean, I can't unsee what I saw, but at the same time, I was given access in a specific context that did not include using this confidential information for my own designs. I think I'm quite good at what I do. I'm resourceful and I always have a positive attitude.

But the thing is, I have never really pushed for more responsibilities before. I knew I wanted one last kid and I got back from maternity leave six months ago and my and my pay increases requests in the last four years were always for more vacations, sick days, or flexibility, since part of why I went from a private firm to this job was to better conciliate work and my kids. So I know that I should just, quote, sell myself, my accomplishments, the fact that my boss, especially the CEO, rely more and more on me, and I'm a no problem and appreciated employee. But at the end of the day, if they offer me less than the $10,000 I feel I deserve, I'm afraid I'll end up bitter. Then, should I say that I know the lower offer is

bullshit since I know for a fact V, W, X, Y, and Z make that much? I don't want to work somewhere else. I love my job, but this is like an itch in my brain that won't go away. Help, not a cheat with a freaking trump card up her sleeve. Okay. First of all, I love how she wrote all this. This was very entertaining and interesting. I'm obsessed with this. I know. Okay. So, what do you think? Well, I kind of defer to you because you are really good at this sort of striking a deal, bringing your best to a table and advocating for yourself. Because listen, I think while I think of myself as exactly what our writer said, like you're

valuable, you deserve more. Sometimes it's really hard to get the balls to say that. Like I almost wish that she could just like pass them this letter across the table and be like, there you go. Because she's actually laid it out clearly and fairly. And I think that she's like really thrown off by the fact that she saw all these facts and figures. But it's not like she, as she said, it's not like she was like given this task to see all

this material. So it's not like she was sneaking around trying to fucking like throw this in someone else's face. But yes, I mean, obviously my gut is you absolutely have to talk to your boss and ask for fucking more money. How to do it? That's where I defer to you. So I, I mean, I don't think it's easy for anyone. And I appreciate you saying that I advocate for myself, but I have a hard time. I actually find it easier to advocate for other people than I do myself. Yes, me too.

It is terrifying. I know. Going in and being like, I think this is… Right. Yeah. It's, that's such a loaded word. I deserve, right? I don't… And why do we think that? Women, in particular, have a hard time.

I think it's just like whatever, as usual, the patriarchy. Not a conversation about that, I know. But I think what we have to make clear as a baseline, though, is it is not that other people are being overpaid. Like, they're getting what they think they deserve, and I don't think we hold it against any of those people, right? No, no, no, no, no. No.

So using this information as a benchmark is great. And what you've learned is that you are underpaid. Yeah. So it's not that they're overpaid. It's that you're underpaid. And you've stated reasons why you haven't pushed for more of an annual salary. I get it. Because you took it in other ways.

You took it in other ways. Vacation, flexibility, all of that has value. Now, those things don't have as much value to you anymore, or at least what you're looking for is a number. Probably strategically, should you wait a little while after this project? Yeah. Maybe take a breather. Yeah.

Seems a little bit fresh to be like, and now I want more money. Yeah. But whenever the annual review or whatever substitutes as an annual review in your company, your next meeting with the CEO in three to six months from now, I would, you just go in and the tip that I got from somebody else that hopefully will help you is speak about yourself or think of yourself as your friend. So see if you can have like an out of body experience and go in there advocating for someone who isn't you, but someone you love a lot. Yeah. Who has all… Because the thing is I could…

That's actually really interesting. If you sent me in, if I was your agent, you'd be a great agent. Oh, fuck. Yes. I would be, I'd kill it for you. Yes, yes. And also, I think that operating from a place of fear here is counterintuitive. Like, what you're afraid of is the no.

Yeah. Right? That is the scariest thing. Nope, sorry, we don't have the money or we don't think you're worth it. Right. And all of this is about like, I think what we've been doing socially and culturally in the last tumultuous few years has been trying to reframe what is actually the truth. Is it scary to be told by people you've busted your ass for that you're not valuable?

Worth it, yeah. That you're not worth it? Or is it liberating? Liberating how? Or insulting? First insulting and then liberating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you know, she's saying she loves where she works and she's saying that, she's

saying she loves where she works and she feels valued and that she feels that she contributes. Yeah. Well, then all of that, if this were math, adds up to equals, yes, have it. You deserve it. If all of that adds up to, no, we don't see it the same way, then it's insulting that, And that insult, you can turn into liberation. Like, oh, then what the fuck have I been doing? Yeah, yeah.

That or I'm going to take some more vacation and really check the fuck out of this job. Yeah. Or find something else. Either way, yeah, you're right. Like, it does, it gives you clarity in either option. Right? Yes. Yeah.

Like, you either know where you stand or you know where you stand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I hear what she's saying. Like, she's couching. The thing is, to our writer, you're couching things with, I know I should just sell myself, but at the end of the day, if they offer me less, I'm afraid I'll end up bitter.

Well, why would you be afraid of being bitter? Yeah. That's a fair feeling to have if someone says, no, you're not worth it. But I don't know that bitter is the right, like… You'd be hurt. Yeah, but bitter is a different… Oh, I'd be bitter. You wouldn't be bitter?

I'd be bitter. I'd be bad. I'd be insulted. Yeah. But, like, to me, bitterness has, like, a sense of futility implied. Okay. Right? That you can't do anything about it.

And I don't think that you go into that with that fear. Like, to me, that's already setting yourself up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See? This is why I defer to you. This is so… Yeah. You got to pull some, you got to, like, all the things that you know about yourself, why

would you add that up to a story that makes you afraid? Yeah. You're like Jerry Maguire right now. No, but it's so much, like, you, as we all said, you can, you can advocate and be an agent for the people you care about. It's true. It's harder to do it for yourself. So I get it.

I know you're out there. I get it, but maybe try and do that thought experiment where you can pretend you are someone else. Yeah. And when you think of it that way, go out there, go out there and fucking, I don't know, entourage the shit. Yeah. Also…

Don't be a dick about it though. Don't be a dick about it, but also, and in fairness too, like you're not asking for a whole bunch of money. It seems like you've been there for a while and $10,000 isn't that much. You know, I think if she was asking for like 50 and like a whole bunch of other things, 10's not that much. Well, this is where, this is where once, listen, small steps, right? You have some time because we've established you're not going to do this next week since

you just got this. That's true, yeah. You just got a peek at this spreadsheet. So you have some time to kind of like let this brew. Yeah. Once you get into your head or out of your own head what's going on and you move beyond the fear and, you know, the worry of what might happen, then I think you should talk to people in your industry or maybe a business coach or whatever in your field, however that applies,

who those people are, and take a look at the number you should be asking for. Some seems a little bit low. I have a friend who actually consulted like a couple of lawyers and specifically women lawyers who were able to like look over contracts and really, really, really gave some really good advice to my friend and also propped her up in a way where she felt like she had the self-esteem to be like, oh, fuck. Right. Yeah. I get it.

What the fuck have I been doing this whole time? Like not believing that I deserve this. Like, so yeah, you're right. Like talking to somebody who can pump you up. That's not just your friend, but like somebody who like deals with this world or industry that you're in, like a big player who deals with contracts, who deals with like bartering deals, I think that'll really help you. Small steps though.

The first step is to really take a breath, you know, and process what we've said about changing your perspective and tweaking that. Like, listen, no coach out there is going to get you to that place unless you believe it. And I think what you need to do is actually start believing what you wrote to us. Yeah. I'm not sure you're convinced. So you have to work on that.

And then also have some space from all the obviousness of you getting all this intel. And then work on setting an actual tangible value to what you want and what you think you're worth. Yeah. 2020 is your year. Good luck. Let us know. Can you please send us a follow up?

Yes. I really want to hear about this. Okay. Finally, hi, Sasha and Lainey. I've recently become Facebook pals with an old love from my university days 20 years ago. Mutual friends of ours are going through a divorce. I reach out to my ex on Facebook asking for the general scoop because I was truly shocked to find out about their split.

What? Okay. Go on. Sorry. He messaged me back a very short response explaining the situation. I was like, okay, thanks for getting in touch and left it at that. Didn't give him a second thought. Then a few months later, I see another message from him on my phone.

He just touched on the subject of our almost divorced friends in the most sweet and thoughtful way. The message was brief, but it got my head spinning. The way he worded the message was so ham. He was a deeply kind person, still is apparently. Then I started to go down memory lane, all the amazing times we had. And why did I break up with him? I was madly in love with him.

We started to exchange messages over the next few days, very basic messages. I started to really like seeing his name pop up on my screen, really liked hearing from him. He found out I was going to be in his city for a few days and was very quick to ask to meet him for lunch near his office. He made sure to get the dates correct and I don't know, it all started to feel a bit too real. I told him I wouldn't have time to see him.

A total lie, but we're both married. Did I read too much into his lunch meeting request? What would we talk about anyway? He was the one who got away. We were never friends. We're no longer messing each other by the way, messaging each other by the way, but now I'm thinking about him more than I care to admit. Would love your two cents.

Oh, goodness. This is, I don't get, like, I've never used Facebook. Okay. Yeah, I haven't used it in many years. So I've never understood, and I know that this is what happens on Facebook, where that is the platform that, where you find people that you knew from way back. That's the same with Instagram. No, I don't find that about Instagram at all.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Like, your high school friends, your ex-boyfriends haven't followed you and DM'd you. I know. I don't know. Oh, okay. What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know who follows me. Oh, for fuck's sakes. Okay. Go on. So, so I, and I don't follow people. I've said this before because I would lose my whole day. Okay. Like it's too distracting for you. Okay. It's too distracting. But I think that Facebook is set up from what I understand to specifically be like, huh, so-and-so broke up and whatever. Yes. So I know I, like I thought it was weird that she would message someone she's hasn't talked to for 20 years for 20 years and be like oh my god why did these people get divorced wow listen that is like that is the that's the sirens that's super super fucking yeah like i you and i love the gossip and when we hear about some shit going

down we try to csi that but it's not never sure a shit wouldn't go back 20 years to find out what someone thought right about it fixating on the wrong thing no no this is exactly what i want to fixate on because i love how she like fucking throws that sorry to our our reader but let's let's fucking throw you out there because you are not being so innocent that you're like i'm just curious about like paul and sherry who are divorced um so why i haven't talked to you in two decades what do you think about it why did they get no way i'm calling you fucking out no but okay before we do that because we don't habitually exist on facebook is that like so facebook's just really annoying everyone talks about like shows you don't know like you're also

off back in the day like this i don't but i know what i was on facebook and face the reason why i got off is because it's like let's like talk about high school let's be all about high school and let me show you my kids and like it's fucking horribly boring but i just find it why do you give me that look you think i don't facebook is enthralling and cool it's fucking shit i don't think it's enthralling cool i'm what i'm saying is i don't know that you are the right person to be talking about this people to understand facebook like listen at this point we have she has no other alternative we have to fucking be the facebook code people right now no it's not not someone after 20 years and be like can you give me the scoop on why paul and sherry divorced

no that's not normal because it doesn't matter if it's on facebook or wherever it's odd behavior to reach out to somebody who you haven't talked to in two decades to find out about paul and sherry not normal just not so then you keep on reading the sentences and none of this is good none of it is good no what's good is that she didn't meet him for lunch can we give her credit there yes i will give her credit there okay because obviously consciousness came to her and realized what the fuck am i doing yeah you're married and i will say that this is fire like you are going to start a goddamn fire in your house. Hasn't the fire already been started?

Yes, but she can actually piss on it and let it not actually grow into ruining her relationship. Because this is what I've talked to you about before, how I find it so interesting that in this day of DMs or Facebook messages of past loves coming back into your life, how quickly you can be tempted and how quickly you can fuck up your relationships that you're in By just doing like, just tapping into something that is your past when you're in something

is dangerous territory. It just fucking is. But Sash. Exhibit A. Her head's already there. She's thinking about him. It wasn't going to be there if she didn't fucking go two decades back. Do you know what I mean?

Like it's so, all of this is so like an arms length away of temptation and she fucking reached out, which was a really bad call on her behalf. Right, so I'm saying the box is open. Close the box. I don't think you can close the box anymore. She closed it. No, you close it. I don't think you can close the box anymore.

So what, now she's just destined to like fall in love with her past boyfriend? Okay, so what she's asking for, let me, what was the question? I'm just, I don't know. How are Paul and Sherry? The question is, would love your two cents. Oh, great. This is amazing. Well, we just gave you 10 cents.

Our two cents, Sasha's two cents is piss on the fire. Piss on the fire. My two cents is, you know why you're writing to us. You either wanted a blessing or an absolution. We're not giving you either. I'm just telling you that you, out of the blue, not out of the blue, but decided to message someone you haven't had contact with in 20 years about getting the gossip. Yeah.

Which, right, fine. Yeah. And then… Well, not fine, but okay, yeah. Texting back and forth, like, what's missing for you? What are you looking for? Yeah. Figure that out.

Yes. Like, are you bored? Yes, of course. Are you out of love with your spouse? Not necessarily. Are you in a valley right now? Has it been a really, really deep and long valley? Yes.

What do you need to do to address that, to go back on, like, the upswing? Yeah. I think it's some time for self-reflection. Self-reflection has nothing to do with 20. No. We're calling him 20. Okay. That's his name.

Yep. But I think there's going to be another 20 who comes along or a colleague or a neighbor if you don't figure out what it is, what it is about. Are you nostalgic? Are you mid-lifing? What? Are you imagining yourself 20 years ago? Is there something about you 20 years ago that, you know, was extinguished that you

want to bring back? Right? I agree. All of those things are accurate. But I mean, and that's not to say that I don't want people to feel like this, that feeling is so foreign. I think we all feel that in our relationships where there's always going to be dry spells or like that missing of who you used to be.

But I think as you've just said, you have to, you have to name it because when you name it, then you can go through and be like, you know what? Right. This is why I'm doing this because I'm feeling it's here. Right. I fucking haven't fucked my husband in a little while. Yeah. And I really want some like shits and giggles right now.

Yeah. So you've got to call it out, but in doing that, like, you also have to realize that what, like, you have to be honest because that, I don't know, I'm just very sketched out by the fact that you went all the way back into the history books to then dig up some feelings about how you were like, he was such a great, wonderful person. Why did I break up with him? Like, you don't want to be with 20. This is mixed up in all kinds of nostalgia.

Like, this is different from going to the gym and seeing a guy three times a week and having, like, being like, oh, my God, he's hot. How is that different, though? Because it's, you don't know the person's name. You have no history there. Sure. Like, when she… So the Henry Golding thing was just shits and giggles.

You could look at him, right? Because that's why I said about Yassik, because he was, Yassik was like, oh, cool. Like, Lainey is literally, like… First of all, he was so chill about it because he knows what Henry Golding looks like and he knows his wife. Like, there's no fucking chance. he's not threatened ghost woman's not

getting anyone he's like as if right oh I love it okay yes he's like no problem okay but this is not the same

as like having a crush like a fun fantasy that we've talked about right like an office like you know a fun fantasy crush yes yes

this is a real person who has real memories with you when you're looking back and she's like I remember what a kind person he was

and his words and how they struck me and why did I break up with him That is not just a crush that's fun in your mind. Yeah, of course. Like the guy you ride the bus with all like, you know, on Wednesdays and Thursdays or whatever.

This is, there's, because there was old emotion and memory attached to this, much more dangerous as you said. Yes. So back up, but look inward. Yes. Oh, I like that. Yeah. And also just be happy that you just, you stopped it.

Like you stopped it. Yeah. Credit for that. Yeah. We give you credit for that. Not for the paragraphs above. That last paragraph, you saved us. You're good.

Just keep on that. You don't open that Facebook again. Look in, figure out what you want, what it is. And then if you're like, yeah, I need a big, big change, then okay, maybe we can help you with that. Like maybe a big, big change means big. Right. But we're not there yet.

Write us another letter. Yeah. Yeah. Let us know. Keep us posted. Sorry, I got mad at you. okay we will be back soon but in the meantime send your questions to sasha at laneygossip.com subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts please leave comments and

reviews sasha won't admit that she's thirsty but i am very very very thirsty and we want to reach more people we really do more drama we want to give all your drama to the world yeah um thanks so much and we'll be back bye We'll see you next time.