What's Your Drama - Instagram Pettiness and Former Friends

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

Welcome back to What's Your Drama but more importantly Gung Hay Fat Choy. And to lead into the Lunar New Year Lainey shares her tips on what you need to do. It's not too late, well it kind of is, but at least you can prepare for next year.Then it's time to get into your drama! We kick things off with "Madeline". Oh my god this was a long ass petty letter, but it's worth the listen. I know that I'm equally as petty when it comes to social media drama so if you want to yell my way with other advice...you know where to find me.We end the podcast on "Victoria's" drama. She got rid of her toxic friends but now one of them has invited her to their wedding. She's torn on whether or not she should go. Lainey and I rip this off one like a bandaid.I know this week's a shorty and we had a third question but it f-cked us up a little when we recorded it that we need to sit on for a few more days. I promise we will revisit it so stay tuned!We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show!     Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

2020 was shit for you, was it not? But it was shit for everybody. Okay, but I'm saying, I'm just talking about you right now. Specifically for me? I'm just talking about you right now. Not great things happened in your life. Really? Yes.

Hi, I'm Lainey Louie, talk show host and entertainment reporter. I'm also the editor of LaineyGossip.com. And I am a BTS fan. Yeah, you are. I'm Sasha Tong. I am a producer at an entertainment show here in Canada. I'm also a fashion and beauty columnist on LaineyGossip.com. And I am not a big BTS fan.

But this is What's Your Drama? Where we gossip about you! 恭喜發財! Happy New Year! 恭喜發財! 新年快樂! I can't do the song, but mostly because you haven't taught me my Cantonese lessons right now, which I won't get into because we're trying to celebrate Chinese New Year, Lunar

New Year. So I will not be a bitch to you, but I need to. Should we just do like a mini, a little mini Cantonese lesson? Sure. Because. Why don't you say something? Fine. Okay.

But see, this isn't the way that you just do it. You can't just rhyme something off. If you're going to be a fucking good teacher, then I need you to section that off. Okay. Sun Sun Lean Lean

Oh no, I went low Go Sun lean Sun lean Sun lean Fie Fie Lock

Lock Say it with me Sun lean Fie lock Sun lean Fie lock I did like that That's not bad

No, say it again Sun lean Fie lock Are you saying lean or lee? Lean With an N at the end Sun lean Fie lock

yeah okay that was a little that was a little whitey so well i'm just sun lean fi lock you're great on the sun lean sun lean fi lock fi lock see this is the thing that i need to help with because this is what my dad and my sister do is i can never get the like silent k's or the you know like the silent like putting the tongue up to the roof of your mouth. Anyway, tell people what we just said. Sun lean, phi loc, literally means happy new year. Yeah. Sun lean is, sun means new, lean means year. So new year, phi loc is happy, happiness. Right. So it's just reversed, right? Like happy new year. So it's new year happy. Okay. Anyway, it's Thursday when we're posting this. I've already cut my hair. I did

my clean this weekend, but now my fucking house is dirty again. So I'm going to have to continually clean until Thursday night. Do you do your bed sheets on Thursday? I'm doing, I'm not doing, well, like I have two sets of bed sheets. So what will happen is the set of sheets that are on the bed right now we'll just get stripped off on Thursday night and then like the other set which is clean and was clean like they've been clean since the last time they've been used will go on on Thursday okay what other things should people be doing you have if you can like understanding you know not everyone can do this but if you can um a new pair of pajamas on Thursday night don't have that and if you don't have that then sleep in new fresh not new uh fresh clean pajamas got it

that are preferably brightly colored lots of bright colors that's how yes i think that that's as a person who wears a lot of navies and blacks that i know that i'm not supposed to do that my actually new pajamas for the new year are not bright colors but they're new and they were a gift from somebody that there were Christmas gifts from somebody that I've been saving for this. Yeah. And so is Jacek down too? Does Jacek find joy in this as well? Or does he feel like this is like, does he kind of roll his eyes or is he down?

I wouldn't say Jacek finds joy because he does most of the cleaning. No, no. I shouldn't say most. All the cleaning. I love him. So he did all like, so he's broken it up into like pieces or sections. So this weekend, the one that just passed, he did a thorough mega clean of the kitchen, cleaning and organizing a lot.

You have to remember, keep the entryway to the doors, like the main doors and the house clear and clean. So today he was cleaning in the basement and like we have a door that goes out into the yard from the basement. So he was like tidying up at that area. Yeah. And I, listen, I do not do any cleaning. However, I do laundry. So I started the first load yesterday. There's going to be a load every day this week up until Thursday night. Okay.

And then I have to do something about our dining table because all our work, my work shit is all over this dining table. And so I'm going to do that. But yeah. And then this weekend let's kick it relax enjoy try not to wash your hair sash i wash on thursday night don't wash it i know but listen i have done this my whole entire life i wash my hair every day and you know knock on wood like i can't the chinese gods are cool with me right now they know that i wash my hair every day and that's just the way it's gonna be i'm just saying you could just not not wash it just on Lunar New Year's Day. Just don't wash it on Friday.

Okay, fine. I can maybe do that. Wash it on Thursday night. Don't wash it on Friday. You can wash it on Saturday morning. Okay, fair. That's a deal. Especially when I told you

that your fates might be turning around and then you go and fucking wash it out. No, well, it wasn't that my fates are turning around. It's not like I have bad fate. Just something good is going to happen for me. Well, no. Ideally. It hasn't been a good year.

For anybody. For anybody, but you've had a shitty year, haven't you? Are we talking 2021? 2020 was shit for you, was it not? But it was shit for everybody. Okay. But I'm saying, I'm just talking about you right now. Specifically for me? I'm just talking about you right now. Not great things happened in your life. Really? Yes. I'm not going to get specific, but I know that there's one thing that was not highly not ideal okay great but the rest of the year wasn't bad sure what other things happened to me have i blocked them out

what bad things happened to me um you've had so much dog stress oh yeah there were lots of lots of you know why am i telling you well because i've clearly blocked it out of my fucking mind what was good um is that your mom sent a text to me via you right and it said and that what resonated was what was it something that like i like to take on burdens i love a burden and i really don't i want to rid that moving forward but when i read that i was like oh my god it's true i fucking love responsibility of burdens you know why because you're a horse Think about what horses do. Fucking lug shit around.

Put a saddle on a horse. Yes. Oh, my gosh. But I'm an ox. And like, what does an ox do? It just fucking works all the time. Grinds. Right.

Right? Oh, that's so true. And so then what is your, you have a medium forecast for your future, right? Yeah, medium forecast. What does that mean? Not bad, not great. Yeah. Just, okay.

Like, I mean, there may be some bad things, but Ma says that I can do some shit to mitigate it. Okay. Anyway. Okay. Yeah. All right. You're going to have a better year. Come on.

Come on. Saddle up. So don't wash your fucking hair. I won't. You just not wash your fucking hair on Friday? I will. God. I will.

Why do you have to fight with me on this? I just said I won't wash my hair. Yeah, but it took me a long time to get you there. It took you about 60 seconds. Okay. All right, let's get into some drama. All right, so here's the first question. They just jump right into it.

Okay, here they go. The back story. For the past four years, one of my close friends had unfollowed me on IG. I brought it up once, but she is a serious conflict avoider. The exchange went like this. Quote, me, hey, I noticed you don't follow me on IG anymore. Why did you stop following me? her, oh, did I? I don't remember doing that, immediately changes subject. The fact that she

clearly unfollowed me but didn't fess up to it only rankled me more because she would frequently ask me how my weekend was or what I did on vacations and I'd often think to myself, well, if you followed me, you would know. And when I say she's a close friend, this is someone who, even after unfollowing me, had invited me to join two of her family vacations and would regularly invite me over for family dinners. Well, in late 2020, we were hanging out. We're such close friends. We're even in each other's tiny COVID bubbles. And having just read Big Friendship, I asked her, this is the book Duanna is big on, by the way, Big Friendship. You know I don't read, so I don't know anything about that.

And having just read Big Friendship, I asked her, do I do anything that annoys you? IG was not on my mind at the time. And she said, well, I wish you shared more about your personal life with me. And I said, what? How can you say, how can you possibly say you want to know more about my personal life when you don't even follow me on IG? Well, we had a painfully awkward conversation where she first tried to claim that she was not an active IG user to which I immediately rebutted. I know that's an absolute lie because we have mutual friends and I see you liking their photos. She eventually revealed she'd unfollowed me because she had once had a crush on me and I was in a serious relationship at the time. This is, I did not see this going there. Um, she had

once had a crush on me and I was in a serious relationship at the time and she didn't want to see my posted photos. Well, I've been single since late 2019. So I asked why she didn't follow me considering she said the crush was in the past and I'm no longer in a relationship. She heavily stressed the crush was in the past and I did not inquire further. She still seemed reluctant to follow me. And I said, if you don't want to follow me, that's fine. A few days later, she followed me on IG. She also then followed me on Twitter. I've been on Twitter for years and regularly tweet. And she definitely knew this, but never followed me until now. So the real question at hand, I post to my IG stories, maybe three, four times a week. Sometimes it's

just reposting TikToks. After she followed me, I can't help but notice that she is constantly one of the first people to watch my stories. And she frequently comments on my stories and she likes maybe 85% of all my tweets. I don't know how to explain why, but every time she comments on my stories, it just reminds me of how she initially tried to claim, quote, she wasn't an active IG user. And I feel annoyed.

Or every time I see a little Twitter notification, it's such a letdown to be like, oh, it's just her liking my tweets again. And I feel a pang of annoyance. Oh my God. I wanted, like, my dick just went so flaccid. My like, I have. It feels like she, God,

it feels like she went out of her way to avoid seeing me in social media and now she is just so interactive with me or it feels like she's constantly trying to start a conversation out of the smallest oh my god can we talk i just don't want the constant engagement let's talk about going i want to talk about the stuff about does she not talk about like the dating and the maybe potential hooking up i don't know this is why this this is still continuing i continue but i've actually put myself in a situation where i cannot hide my stories from her since I essentially asked her to follow me. We have a recurring virtual group hang and are in several group chats where other friends do regularly mention my IG

posts and I don't know how I could justify blocking her. I also feel like it's not socially acceptable for me to say, hey, can you stop commenting on things I post? What would you recommend? I want to take a nap, please. What would you recommend? Is there a productive way I could say something like, you know, I appreciate that you follow me again, but you don't need to comment so much. I know you're watching. And then there's an emoji with the peace sign. I don't think there's a good way to confront her about this.

So maybe I just need a new perspective that allows me not to react so negatively when she leaves me innocuous comments like, oh, you made carrot cake? Let me know how it turns out. Or, oh, where did you go hiking? Or, this reminds me of this. This reminds me of that. Too long, didn't read. Well, we read it.

I confronted my friend about not following me on social media. And now that she does, I kind of wish we could go back to when she didn't. Details that I don't think really matter. We are in our lower 30s and have been friends for about 12 years. This person left their real name, I think, but I'm not going to reveal their real name because I don't think that this person… I changed it a bit, but yeah, you should change it even more. Okay, I'm going to change it to Madeline.

Okay. Okay, Madeline. i i'm go go ahead this is well this is like my least this is maybe my least favorite question of all of our seasons um i wanted to get into the juice when it when it midway through this fucking essay when her friend was like i'm interested in you had a crush on you then i was like tell me more and now I'm sitting here bored out of my mind and have a fucking flaccid dick over this because what am I to do with this this sounds petty and immature and weird and like I heard commenting and following repeated over and over I what did what was her name that we

gave her Madeline Madeline what get a hobby this is like if this is what you're worrying about if this is like I don't know you want someone to follow you you beg them to follow you basically and then when they do and they say nice things and they support you you don't want that like I don't I I don't think it has like the problem here isn't what you should say to your friend the problem here is like what you need to start telling yourself which is you clearly take social media way too seriously. And how can you knock someone, a friend of yours of 12 years, just wanting to be nice and supportive? Like what the fuck is going, like what the fuck is going on here is my question. I wonder, first of all, like when I'm reading this, I'm wondering if we're being

trolled. Like, cause this is so, like to me, this is like so weird. I was mad that they didn't follow me or unfollowed me and then we talked about it and now they do follow me and are supportive on my IG and I don't like it and I don't like like I I like is this a joke I but if we take it at face value and it's not a joke that's I I to me in my mind there are two options either Madeline is as you said like this is Madeline this is so petty I mean this is so I, on one hand, you know, you were always curious. Then you find out the reason, which must have taken some courage for that person to admit to you. I had a crush on you and it bothered me to see you with the person all and, but still is friends with you. You get to go on a holiday

with their family. They want you to be part of their lives. And then you turn around and you're like oh you're so annoying and the quality of your social media interactions with me is bad what the fuck can you tell me what this book is about that she's reading because does it have like could she read reread it and figure out how she should be a better friend in this situation i'm just not sure that like i don't know like big friendship so duanna's been talking about it she wants me to read it. I love the authors. So, um, the authors of Big Friendship are, um, uh, Emi Natusau and, and Friedman, and they do a podcast too. And, um, like, and they're great writers individually. They're amazing. Anyway, so it's Big Friendship, How We Keep Each Other Close.

And, um, so, uh, I haven't read it, but like I said, Duanna keeps telling me to read it and they are very honest about um their friendship like the trials and tribulations uh this is a white woman and a black woman so they have talked about um the uh the racial realities of being best friends very good friends right when you're a black and a white woman like you know down to the down to the specific um instances of going to a dinner party when you know like uh ann invites Emanato's to a cocktail party, for example, and all the people at the cocktail party are white. And so Emanato will talk about how she's feeling

and Anne will be like, you know. And anyway, so it gets awkward. They definitely confront some thorny issues that this is not one of those. But that's what I'm saying, yeah. They're not so petty as talking about who is liking and liking all their Instagram posts and fucking tweets.

Yeah, exactly. Okay. Anyway. So that's the book. So yeah, the two options I talked about, we talked about the first option. Yes. That Madeline is kind of a dick. And immature.

Like this feels very young and very immature. But okay, keep on going. I keep on interrupting you. Your second option is what? My second option is I don't know if Madeline is conscious of this. um and this may be peeling back layers of like to really get into her psyche but it's weird it it can be weird to find out someone has a crush on you and you don't reciprocate of course so that moment where the friend can we give the friend a name suzy whatever yeah sure

when suzy was like okay okay okay fine madeline the reason why i followed you is because I had a crush on you and you know it that is if you're mad and even though Susie's like I don't have a crush on you anymore in the back of Madeline's mind she's like oh shit now she follows me on Instagram and she likes 85% of my Twitter posts and she's always commenting I wonder if Madeline is behaving like this because she doesn't want to encourage Susie's feelings even though she insists Susie doesn't have feelings anymore so she's subconsciously being a dick to suzy so that suzy would never ever have interest in her again because she doesn't want those lines she does not she does not reciprocate that you would think so you're listen that is that an

option that is an option yeah but the fact that that part like that madeline didn't go deeper into that could then support your theory but it's also but it also might not because it was like so brushed over like you know you would probably be like oh my friend wants to like that that was weird maybe madeline is an avoider in that way well madeline i think what we figured out needs some fucking work to do right like come on i get burying some deep feelings but she's dug like a real big old fucking like grave with this one if she like if she doesn't even know that that is a possibility like those that that's why she would be reacting that way I don't I don't know she feels really stunted I just I don't want to be mean but like

this was such like a like a this is a silly question it was such a silly advice question I don't even know what doesn't sound dramatic oh what would you recommend is there a productive way I could say something like you know no there isn't no no it's like listen lots of people I don't know how many people follow you on Instagram but if there's one person who's your friend whose comments and social media interactions with you aren't cool enough for your standards no I don't recommend anything I recommend I recommend leaving it yeah I recommend fucking figuring out why you are so bothered by it how about that so maybe it is what Lainey said is like you have like deep-rooted fear of your friend ever liking you which is fair but like fucking come to terms with

that or the other option is you're like very immature and very petty and actually quite mean to assume that your friend's support is annoying and wrong and something that you want to not have in your life anymore i think that's fucking lame but this also speaks to dictating what someone's showing like dictating how someone should show you their support of you and their

appreciation of you in a way that you deem to be a quality yeah and I think that's like I don't think that that is friendship also Susie's doing what a normal friend would do is like hype their fucking friend up

yes anyway Madeline we're confused we're not we're not sure if it's option one or option two but if it's up it maybe could be two but both sit with that for a second like are you like has it some on a subconscious level affected you finding out that suzy had a crush on you and that is making things that isn't like that is making things weird because it does get weird in a friendship when one has a like a crush on the other that can totally screw with the vibe of a friendship Don't you think?

Oh, 100%. Maybe that's what's thrown Madeline off balance. You are very generous. Well, it's Lunar New Year. That's right. All right. Luck, luck, luck for you then. Okay, yep.

Okay. Last question. Dear Sasha and Lainey, my friend Jen and I have been friends, and Jen is a fake name. My friend Jen and I have been friends for 20 years. I've been there through thick and thin with her, literally. Trauma, schooling, breakups, everything. Fast forward a decade and we meet Tara, who we both immediately hit it off with, but more so with me and Tara because we lived a few doors down.

Jen was off in school, so Tara and I became close. I had them both in my wedding. Jen, my maid of honor, and Tara, a bridesmaid. Shortly after my wedding, things started to change. Schedule shifted and I was finding myself left out of a lot of lunches, get togethers, and other plans by both Jen and Tara. They're becoming closer and I was feeling left out. a lot. I started feeling like this was on purpose because their schedules were fairly open, but my

work schedule has been the same for over a decade, yet the invites I would get were for things during the day, which started to feel like invites just to say they did. I would tell them how I was feeling and often got treated like I was the problem. They would call me needy, etc., and this caused me a lot of sadness. I've cried over these girls more than any man. That makes me feel bad. Fast forward, I started to really distance myself from them because it just became constant anxiety riddled relationships. I no longer was giving them the power to hurt me, I guess you could say. So I basically stopped texting first or reaching out. Months go by without a word from either of them. I wish them no harm. I'll always love them and the friendships we have, but I've been happier without them in my

life in a regular basis for the last year. Here's the issue. I've received a wedding invite from Jen, which in itself is shocking because clearly I'm not going to be in the wedding. And the last we spoke, the wedding was still up in the air. She has a drama-filled relationship. So to get this invite was a bit of a kick to the stomach. It immediately made me feel anxious and of course left out. It's all too real to realize when you stop reaching out and sending that first text, you are not missed. They have clearly left me behind and have planned this wedding without me, regardless of being in mine or the years of friendship. And I guess my question is, do I have to go? My husband doesn't like them because of the turmoil they put me through.

so I know he wouldn't have much fun and also I don't think I could either on one hand it would be nice to see them and be there but another part of me is angry and I'm worried I'll be resentful and anxious the whole time am I obligated to suck it up and go am I a piece of crap if I don't she also picked my birthday as her wedding date but I digress okay I'm just so torn I'm so sick of being the bad guy but I shelved these friends to avoid the drama but I'm worried if I don't go it could cause even more thank you thanks for any advice thank you kindly v okay okay uh so we're dealing with a lot of shitty friends here clearly this is what this week's questions and podcasts about um okay so her question is should she go to the wedding i do not think she's obliged to do

that it sounds like a fucking nightmare and i think that um it it's gonna be exactly what she thinks it's going to be. It's going to be like an anxiety spiral where you feel like you've been mean-girled at a really great party and that you'll just have to wallflower it and just be uncomfortable and not yourself. And that's like the worst position to put yourself in. And sorry, what was our writer's name again? I never remember. V. V sounds like such a nice person who has suffered a lot of heartache through these friendships and this breakup and like still wishes them well and is still such a good normal person that she's still contemplating oh like should I go and support this past friend of mine uh in like a really special moment in her life

and like I can tell that V is a good person and I just don't want her to be putting herself in a situation where she needs to relive that pain or experience new pain from this because it's bullshit what they did to you was bullshit and like I get it like we've talked about this before Sometimes when you have like an odd number, a group of friends or whatever, like friends and their bonds switch up, right? Over courses of years, like they do. Like sometimes you're hot for another friend or whatever, or like another person kind of pieces out and drops off.

Fine. But that's not what happened here. They like literally picked each other and then ditched V. And that says a lot about them as friends. They suck. And I just don't think you need to be groveling back or placating their bullshit. Yeah, I totally agree with you that V doesn't need to go to the wedding. My concern, though, is V's, like, sort of perspective and how she's framed this situation in her mind.

Like, obviously, we want to help V feel better about everything, right? so the first thing that I would say the first thing I want to say to you V is I get it like it feels like a punch in the gut finding out that you missed out on Jen planning her wedding and now she's getting married and so clearly yes of course behind the scenes after you exited your choice this friendship they have had experiences together and have gone through all this together and now Jen's getting married. Great. Great for Jen. Yeah. But, and so, yes, it feels, getting that invitation on the one hand, you can look at it as, oh, that means that they had this whole life without me. You can look at it one way that way. But also, V, imagine if you hadn't gotten the

invitation. How would you feel? Right. Right? So I feel like a lot of this is about your own mental training and your own mental tweaks and how you look at a situation. A situation can be assessed in so many different ways, interpreted in different ways. So number one, first thing you do is, well, you got invited. So they put you on the list. Right. Whether or not you go is a different story, but they put you on the list and I think that that…

But should that make her feel good? No, it shouldn't. Okay. But it just shouldn't make her feel bad. No. You know what I mean? You can't make her feel bad. No.

Yeah. Exactly. Like getting invited to a wedding shouldn't make her feel bad. I don't think that, I think that that is where it may be a step too far to blame those people for making her feel bad. Like reminding her. Right. That is, there's enough going on that you don't have to add bad things to feel bad about.

Yes. Right. You got a wedding invitation from people who clearly like have sent out wedding invitations and have invited you to be part of it. That's it. Just look at it as that. Do not add anything more to it. Yes, I get what you're saying.

Yep, totally. The second, like, perspective tweak should be, like, what you said. You made the choice to exit. You decided to back out. You decided to remove them from your lives. You decided to focus on things that matter to you. You decided to spend more time with things that make you happy. You decided to choose.

That they were toxic. That's right. Yeah. So I think at this point, given that you made those decisions, you should own them. So don't go to the wedding. Send a gift. Yeah. I was going to say she should send a gift, right? Yes. Okay. You send a gift from the registry. Don't pick the most expensive thing on the go medium mid-level yeah yeah neutral right you sent a gift thanks but I'm I can't come your birthday is my birthday yeah your birthday is the perfect excuse yeah you don't have to say it's my birthday just say I have other plans that day yeah and then let go of it a lot of like

listen, those, Jen and Tara were shitty to you, V, and that is fair. But at the same time, we can choose to keep carrying that or you can choose to look at it in a different way, which is that your decision was to not be friends with them anymore and let it go. Yeah. And I hope that she has. I just wonder if she was triggered by the invitation, right? Like she had seemed like, oh, I let go. I wish them well. And then this invitation pops up and then you're gonna get that friend ptsd where you're like oh they made me like you get those waves of um like sadness and loss and also anxiety so i understand where she's coming from because i would react the same way like my brain would go back to that place of hurt but laney is right like

you know like i'm glad that you wrote us i'm glad that we can fucking pack this up in a bow and now just like send and receive like just let it go at this point so that you can still send goodwill to them right like you don't want anything bad to happen you want to have a fucking nice wedding you're just not going to fucking show up for her yeah and also again like you know i hear you about feeling triggered you get this invitation and all those old things come back but you know what the truth is she would have been triggered the other way too if she wasn't invited yeah you don't get invited to the wedding, you find out about later on, you realize you weren't invited, the same thing would happen.

And it's best case scenario because she still, at the end of the day, has the power to make the decision. And her power is, I'm not fucking coming for you. Like, I'm not, like, wish you well, but I am not going to be there. But take back control of how this situation is, like, is feeling. Yeah. you know remember the choices you made and given that they were your choices then like like see if you can see if you can like direct your feelings accordingly you know what i mean

yep i totally agree so v don't go to the wedding yay like happy friday night free happy birthday amazing don't have to go also what day is this wedding because when are weddings happening Yeah, I thought that they weren't allowed. Okay. But what I would do to go to a wedding right now, oh my God. I will take that invitation. Fuck, I want to party. Like the after party?

Yeah. I want to party so badly. Thank you so much for writing in and listening and subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. And keep your comments and reviews. Keep your questions coming. I need more drama at SashaAtLaineyGossip.com. And happy new year.

Bye. Happy new year. Bye. We'll see you next time.