What's Your Drama - Jen Garner Guilt & Friend Breakups

Episode Date: May 9, 2019

Welcome to another edition of What’s Your Drama!On today’s episode: Lainey hasn’t slept which means she has a beating heart, so let’s all embrace her kindness while it lasts.Then we get into your drama! When to pull out of a crush, how to get over friendship breakups and dealing with a straight talking friend.We hope you enjoy the show and make sure to send us feedback on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, Pandora, or anywhere you get your podcasts. And keep your advice questions coming my way at sasha(@)laineygossip.com.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hey what's your drama what's your drama welcome i'm sasha i'm laney you are running on no sleep i am sick so i apologize if i hack during this podcast and you fall asleep you like it when i'm actually on no sleep you as we've talked about are a delight you um peered over today to say hi to me and i was like i was again i'm always just so caught off guard because you're so nice when you're not full of actual sleep. And then you came and picked me up. You've just been a very nice person. So I want to talk to you about something.

Because in this year, I feel like we have evolved as people because we have started to embrace people that we didn't embrace prior. Like who? Like you like Ariana Grande now. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right? That's something that I would have never guessed. That started like last year, I think.

Okay, whatever. But yeah. And for me, it's Jennifer Garner. I used to always think she was such a yawn. And now I really like her. She's a good Instagram. She's a very good Instagram. And now you're just seeing more personality.

I really like her. And then I wanted to bring up something, though, that I saw in this People magazine article. You know, she was on the cover of something being beautiful. Who knows? Yeah. So she says that what she looks for in friends is humor, which is great. But she also says, and I quote, and a lack of guilt. I do not believe friendship should or can come with guilt.

Like a friend who says, you haven't called me or I saw you out with someone else. This is not part of the deal. That breaks girlfriend code. Okay. I'm not sure I agree with that because I am, it's not like I go. Because you guilt your friends? Well, it's not like I go around thinking I'm going to guilt all my friends. But, like, I don't think that guilt or guilting somebody for bad behavior is a negative in a friendship.

I don't think she's talking about bad behavior, though. Like, well, no, why didn't you call me? That was one of her examples. I would guilt a friend for not calling me. Oh, are you just the saint and don't, you're just always so accepting of all your friends' flaws? Oh, no. Like, I fucking guilt people all the time. Yeah, so what the fuck are you talking about?

I thought you would be totally aligned with me on that. I think that the irony here is that you are not susceptible to guilting. Yes, I am susceptible to guilt. Like, sometimes I don't care from you for days. That's not true. Now you're making things up. No, I am not. When do I just fucking go rogue?

I'm just saying that, like, sometimes I don't hear from you. And if I were to be like, hey, where have you been? You would be like, I don't know. I didn't think you cared. Oh, you're actually making up your own storyline here. I'm not. Okay. This is not true, but I am susceptible to guilt.

If someone laid a guilt trip on me, I would be like, I guess my point is a guilt trip isn't a bad thing for the person giving the guilt trip. It should be a wake up call for the person who is getting the guilt trip. Yeah, I don't, listen, I don't believe in that. And I think that it's an extension of like parenting too. I'm also, obviously I don't have kids, but when I have to chime in on kid matters, I'm like guilt your kid. Yes. That's how you get things done. Tell your kid he's an asshole to like smarten up. Then this brings me to not kid content, but you… But I don't think she's that

kind of mom. I bet you she's like, you're the best. You're amazing. Oh, yeah. I love you so much. Yes. Yeah. But when you have issues with friends, isn't your first like stage of defense guilt before you go into like having real talk? No. My first stage is like, what the fuck? Oh, okay. Like you confront that. Yes. And to my detriment, actually, because like my style is that's how I like to be confronted. What the fuck?

Yeah. And so that's how I confront. You don't like passive aggressive? No. Okay. Would you think guilt is passive aggressive? I think it's pretty direct. I think it's like, why didn't you call me is pretty direct.

Yeah. I guess some people might say that it should be, hey, you haven't called me. Do we need to talk about something? Instead of an accusation, I guess. Okay. I guess my thing is like I feel like that comment that she made, I disagree with because it kind of revolves and is an extension of this whole like hater culture. Like people don't like haters.

But sometimes the haters are bringing up a good point. Do you know what I mean? Yep. And I feel like people need to be more accepting of feedback. And that feedback can come back in forms of what some people could interpret as hating or guilt. Yeah. So I just want Jennifer Garner to retract that comment so that I can continue to let her. I would like to know though, like who are her friends who are like, why didn't you call me? And because she's obviously been the recipient of someone trying to guilt her. And had to like cut those quote unquote toxic people out of her life.

Right. So now I want to know, because she comes across as the perfect person, that she never forgets a birthday card. Of course. And she never forgets to send flowers and bake the things that need to be baked. So now I'm wondering who the hell is in a position to be like, hey, Jennifer Garner, you dropped the ball. Because she doesn't seem like she drops the ball. No. Right?

I also don't even know… Like, she raises chickens. Yeah, great. No, typically… What does that mean? No, I just feel like somebody who like raises a chicken is like all in the home and like has a calendar of like things that they check off that need to be done. Whereas like I, I can't get back to emails.

I, you know, forget to respond to texts, whatever. Right. Yeah. She's got a chicken coop. Um, my question though is who are her friends? Cause you know, we see like these circles of people, right? Like I was trying to guess like who would guilt, who would guilt Jennifer Garner? I was thinking like, oh, maybe Reese Witherspoon.

but I was like, I don't even think they're friends. Who is her friend group? I do know that she and Judy Greer are really close just because Judy Greer came on the social and she was talking about Jennifer Garner. Like we were like, Hey, you're really good friends with Jennifer Garner. We didn't expect her. And then she started crying. She was like, I love her so much. She's the most dear person. Yeah. Lots. I mean, I'm not talking out of turn. It was on live TV. And, um, but outside of that, she doesn't really have a circle of like Hollywood girlfriends. Oh, I think she's, like, close to – you know who she's friends with very close to is Victor Garber.

Yeah. I'm looking for someone a little more exciting, but okay, Victor Garber. And I think she's a friend – oh, she used to be really tight with Jessica Biel. Do you remember that? Well, maybe Jessica Biel's the fucking one who's given her guilt trips because I haven't seen them together in a long-ass time. I don't think Jessica Biel's the one giving her guilt trips. Like, I think Jessica Biel has her own management to do.

What does that mean? Well, look who she's married to. She's married to, like, egomaniac of the world. Like, she has no time to call her friends. That's true. That's true. That's a good point. Right?

Yeah. Anyway, should we start? Yes. Okay, here's the drama. My best friend and I recently went on a ski trip. We go to different universities and none of my friends could come, so she invited her friends from her university. She's studying space engineering.

That's really cool. And all her friends are engineers of some kind. In the group, there were five girls and four guys. Two of her friends were secretly dating, but everyone knew, but pretended not to. The rest of us were all single. I thought one of her friends was hot, but didn't act on it because I never dated anyone. I don't know how to flirt. He and one of the other guys, his best friend and roommate, offered to go get lunch with

my friend and I. The entire car ride, he asked me questions. When we got to the lunch place and we were getting out of the car, I heard his friend whisper to him, did you ask her your question? My friend and I were walking ahead of them and I told her that must have meant they were talking about me and I asked why they would be doing that, to which she responded, probably because he's super into you. It's kind of obvious.

I was really shocked but played it cool. When we got back to the cabin, all of us girls went upstairs and I told them what happened and that I thought he was hot too. They all seemed shocked and responded by saying in different variations that they knew he liked me, but they couldn't tell that I liked him. This has never, ever happened to me before. So we went skiing and he continued to be super nice to me, but something changed throughout the day as when we were driving back to the cabin, his friend insisted on sitting between

us and when we got back to the house, he was still nice, but he progressively became cold towards me. I was so confused and couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. At the end of the trip, he was nice to me again and hugged me when I said goodbye. It was super confusing. He and his best friend were in the second car and I was with my best friend and her two friends in the first car. On the way back to Toronto, we all talked about all the drama that went down on the

weekend. When it came time for my drama, I asked them what they thought happened. Her guy friend, who knows him well, basically said that he's such a nice guy, he's super hardworking, he gets along well with everyone, he's so wonderful and intelligent and considerate, but that chaos has a way of following him around. I then discovered that he has a crazy ex-girlfriend who may have done some crazy, crazy stuff. He also isn't necessarily well off, and my friends think I would struggle with that because I'm the type of person who likes to go to fancy restaurants and shop a lot.

Um, I save for this though, but they think it might be hard regardless They all encouraged me to message him but make it light and playful. We all agreed that I was to say Hey justin, it was nice meeting you, but I felt our trip was too short and i'd like to know you better I send the message and hours go by then he responds and he says hey It was nice to meet you, too That being said I don't want to leave you on in any way I was trying to be amicable this weekend and nothing more It was upsetting because I felt the group was trying to push us together and then I

didn't get to interact with you much later on because I felt as if there were eyes on us. I did have a very good time though and I hope we can all get together again and enjoy ourselves without feeling awkward pressure looming in the background. I feel like an idiot. He says he was just trying to be friendly, but everyone still to this day says he was doing much more than that and that it was obvious. I was super confused and I don't know who to believe.

I thought that was that, but then he started messaging me again. We've been talking ever since, but sometimes I feel like he keeps me at a distance. I decided that we can be friends, but sometimes he's a little flirty. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't ask me questions. Other times I feel like I'm working to keep the conversation going, so then I pull back until he makes the first move. My friend says he's probably holding back and not asking too many questions to not come across like he's interested.

I don't know. Oh my God, how much longer is this? Like, I can't, like, holy shit. That's like saying, pull the plug. Okay, so there was a birthday recently, his birthday. Everyone was invited. So then she heard that he went to a party the week before and hooked up with the host and that she might be going to his birthday.

So she didn't go to the party and she didn't message him. Then he messaged her and was like, why didn't you come to my birthday? Okay. And she didn't know about this other girl. So she's kind of like, I don't know. What should I do? I love this summary. Okay. So basically, she's just fucking confused. Yes. There's a lot of mixed messages. Okay. So what should she do? X. Well, fuck. If this letter is any indication, I'm like a board already. I don't know. That's not fair. No, no, no. I take that back. Well, we're old hags, but also, and I guess we just have the toolbox of knowing when something

isn't like red to go. And this one isn't like, this one isn't piping hot. There isn't like crazy sexual chemistry happening. There's a lot of fucking back and forth. Like if you're into somebody, and that's what I think, you know, we've had these questions before. If you're into somebody you get that like like you get that back right away you know it's either on or it's not and this just feels like some like floppy lukewarm shit yeah you know it's like move on find someone who wants to see you doesn't give you these like run around texts isn't like fucking hooking up with people doesn't have a messy ex who does quote-unquote crazy crazy stuff yeah you know what I mean? Listen, I don't know if I'm in a good position to give advice about this question

right now because I recently interviewed somebody who was involved with a documentary called The Pickup Game. Everybody go watch it. Is it good? Well, yeah, but it's also fucking crazy and it scares me about men. Okay. So this documentary is about a thriving industry, the pickup industry, where it's seminars where men pay to find out how to meet girls. And like a few of these conferences and these conventions are helpful, like it's basic dating advice.

But many of them, and it's a growing industry, teach men how to psychologically manipulate women. So this documentary goes into the psychological tools that they employ to fuck you up so that they can get into your head. And so you can, like, succumb. The woman will succumb to their game. Yeah. And part of the psychological manipulation that they use is to wear down your confidence. So here's a basic, basic example. Oh my God, I need to watch this documentary.

This sounds fascinating. It's fascinating and really scary. So part of the psychological tools, like, and this is a very, on a basic level, it gets much more sophisticated, but let's say he, like a guy meets a girl wherever, at a party, at a bar, he might say something to her like, oh, you smell good. It reminds me of my grandmother. I see the look on your face and you know exactly what that is, right? Yeah.

But as you said, you have a toolbox and you're just over that and you can be like, whatever, dude, I know what you're doing. Yeah. But for those of you who are uninitiated and this reader of ours or this letter writer of ours is in university, so much younger than us, like we're, again, old hags. Don't say. Right. And might not be as experienced in this kind of psychological warfare. So what they're trying to do is to make you feel like you're not attractive. You smell like a grandmother.

Yeah. And mixed in with a compliment, which confuses you. That's not sexy or you do smell good. So maybe that is sexy, but you remind him of his grandma. So what did he mean? And then it fucks you up. Another example would be, hey, that's a nice dress you're wearing. I saw it on that girl over there. You're not an original. Yeah. Oh my God. And so this is basic, right? It gets much more sophisticated to the point where it really erodes a woman's confidence and then gets you in that trap. It's fucking terrifying. I feel so bad for, you know, listen, of course I feel bad for the women. But I also, you know, it encourages you to have some empathy for the men because if they're

signing up for these courses and they're being taught to do these things, it means that in their life something is missing as well. And they're vulnerable to these kinds of tactics. So I'm not saying this dude is one of these… Went to these seminars. Yeah. I'm not saying this dude, but I think that these kinds of games have a psychological effect on anybody who's on the receiving end. And so X, what I will say to you is whether or not he intended it, he's fucking you up. You have found yourself in a situation where already emotionally you are invested in a way that's making you question yourself. And that's not a good situation. So peace out, tap out, find somebody else. So well said. And I think there was something,

I remember my friends, like when I first, like probably about 15 years ago, there was this book and I'm making it up, but it was something to the effect of like black book or black box book. And it was exactly that of like how you can be mean to women to rope them back in. And it's fucked Because a lot of these dudes like that I was talking to were using these tactics and they work because I think, I don't know why actually, because I don't really know the psychological background of why we desire people who treat us like shit or confuse us. But it's like this thing, you know, like when you like slap a fucking fly in the air and they're just like confused and combobbled and they just kind of like fly everywhere.

That's kind of what happens. You get so confused that you're like, where do I go? Is this good? You just are brought into this vortex of weird shit. And for some reason, it truncates your ability to make a good decision. But I really do appreciate what you've said because that's so true. If you're confused, if you're getting mixed signals, if you're not just getting a direct feeling from this person, then yes, move on.

And again, I hear what you're saying about your friends and you trust your friends' perspectives. Like, if we were all single right now and you, like, one night we were all hanging out with people and you were like, that dude's into you, I trust you because you're my friend. Like, I know you would never hurt me and I know you have eyes and you'd be, like, feeling some shit. So I get it. It's very complicated because you don't think that your friends are leading you down the

wrong path. And they're not. Like, they are also picking up on these weird cues too. Well, they said he's nice, he's great, he's blah, blah, blah, but… Drama. Exactly. So everybody's confused. It's a hard time.

I'm not trying to be alarmist here and be like, hey, ladies, look out for these pickup gamers. I'm just saying it happens to be a growing industry. This triggered my memory of it. And I also feel like we've all been socially conditioned to like look for or think that bad things are sexy. Yeah. On the basis level, like just everybody knows this, but being attracted to the bad boy or

thinking that like… But that's exactly what this is. Yeah. Thinking that a guy who's an enigma is sexy, like, I get it. Like, I like a puzzle too. We all like a puzzle, right? But ultimately I… But when it's missing a piece, you can't fucking solve it.

And that's what happens with these dudes. So X, I don't know. It doesn't feel right to me. This whole… Your whole state of mind and the way you're writing and how confused you are, it doesn't feel right to me. And that may be because I saw this documentary or just may be because it's just not a good situation.

Baseline, it doesn't even sound fun. No. So if it's not even fun at this point, pass. Like, you know me, I always bring it back to like Dick. And if you're like this riled up and you, like he hasn't even been inside you yet, like holy shit, imagine how much more complicated it's going to get, right? Totally. Totally.

Yeah. Don't get to that point. I don't feel like he deserves this. Okay. So X, good luck with that. But that's our view. You know, there's more out there. Keep us posted though.

Okay, so next. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I'm a 29-year-old female living in Toronto. I used to have a small group of very close girlfriends. Over time, three years to be exact, I've disconnected with two from my group. It was more so growing apart rather than drama, but let's just say it wasn't my decision to end the friendships. I'm deeply hurt because I'm a lifelong friender.

I also don't have a ton of friends, so I really treasure my friendships. I get the feeling that I'm too boring and shy to maintain these relationships. Is it normal to disconnect from people so permanently? Should I be doing some deep self-discovery? These failed relationships really make me feel insecure and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Also, why is it hard to make close friendships in your 20s? I need guidance.

Looking forward to your input. Oh, that makes me sad. I know. Well, thank you, C, for writing this. Well, I think there's like two things that need to be done. And I do think that you probably need to do some deep self-discovery because who doesn't need to fucking do deep self-discovery sometimes. But then the flip side of that is maybe those two friends that, you know, drifted out of

your friend group or from your immediate friend group weren't really worth it. And it sort of is the same sort of thing we were just talking in that last question and answer, which is sometimes people fuck you up and then you look at yourself and like, what's wrong with me? When really it should be projected back to the person who has been, you know, who has like left you or treated you like shit or cut off the relationship. So I think that both things kind of need to happen. I think you need to evaluate why these friendships ended.

Maybe there was something, maybe they gave you clues that you could like look into more that you did. But being shy or being reserved isn't a bad flaw. Yeah. So there's nothing you should feel bad about. No, I, my best friend is reserved. She's really quiet. She's really quiet.

The loveliest human. But then when she… But then what? But then when she unlocks, she's like, you know, first of all, she's ride or die. Yeah. But also, her personality is just not mine. Like, she's never going to be the first to speak up. But then, like, when we leave a situation, she'll be like, what the fuck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, everybody has a different personality. I understand, like, you're not, you know, you might think that you are a personality that isn't able to connect to friendship, but I think that everybody feels that way in a certain way. And you have to find the things that, like, build some confidence so that you have something to bring to the table to friendships, right? That's right.

And I was actually reading an article this week on blogto.com, so that's like a Toronto-centric website, which you should actually look up because it gives a list of, like, all the things you can do if you're looking for new friends and you can put yourself out there and that's something you have to do. Yes, I am a shy and reserved person too. And a lot of people think I'm a raging fucking cunt, but I'm a bit of a raging cunt, but I'm also really shy. And so I think sometimes people can't get a good read of that. So I would say to our writer is to like start to open up, but to also start going out and doing things. And as I was saying, there's this article on blog to, and it's like a fucking, a plethora of ways that you can meet people.

And it is about putting yourself out there, which can seem a bit freaky at first, but it's super important if you do want to expand your friend group, which you kind of need to do at this point. But I don't think for those of you listening who aren't in Toronto, I don't think blog to is unique. Like I do think every city has these like lists, right? Like what's happening this week. Exactly. Yeah. I want to go back to your point about like, yeah, you should do a deep dive on yourself. Here's an analogy that I, I mean, I'm sure it's not original, but maybe the way I'm going to say it is original. Okay. I'll give you that. Okay. So you know how they say that you don't know how to pleasure yourself or so you won't know how to find pleasure with another

person until you know how to pleasure yourself. So basically you have to finger yourself. So finger yourself yeah you also have to finger yourself like in your soul you have to finger only you would bring like this is like a goop level article what you're saying finger your soul yeah like finger your pussy yeah but you also have to finger your like emotional well-being and you have to like you know stick your whatever into your i don't know cavity of emotion know who you are. Is that where you're getting to? Yeah. And so think of it that way, because I think generally we have tried to encourage self-pleasure as a way to get to know how we receive and how we receive pleasure and how it like. How it feels. How it feels. Yeah. And your heart and your spirit

are the same way. Deepak Chopra. Very Deepak of you. No, but it's true. You're right. You're so right. Go finger yourself in all the ways.

But no, but really though, it is about getting to know yourself because if you don't know your own worth, then who the fuck wants to fucking party with that?

So it is about that and it is about also realizing that not every friend sticks with you for a lifetime. Yeah. Sometimes you say goodbye

And that's okay. And that's okay. Like I've, you know, just to give you some perspective, I've been broken up with as a friend in my 20s. And you've broken up. And I've broken up with friends in my 20s. It's, it happens to a lot of people. You are not the only person who has like been on the receiving end where I think her words

were, it was not my decision. Yeah. You're not alone. Yeah. It happens. It happens in romantic relationships. So of course it's going to happen in friendship relationships. Of course.

And I just read this thing. You mentioned the magazine article with Jennifer Garner earlier. And I read, oh, here's another Jennifer. Jennifer Garner, I think, is on the cover of the new, is it Harper's? I don't know. One of those magazines. Okay. And she was like, I don't believe that everybody just has one soulmate.

Which, duh, we've talked about before. There's like, there are people for every stage of your life and who you are. Also true friendships. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And ones that you can't all meet at the same time and place. Yeah, exactly. You grow and then you start to expand your horizons and you meet different people who can meet those expectations. I actually think that that's a big fallacy that we, like we have, we have accepted

that romances change and romantic relationships change. And I don't think enough of us have accepted that friendships can also operate in the same way. Like I don't know that we talk about that enough, that we address it enough, that we acknowledge it enough, that you grow out of people and people grow out of you. Yeah. It doesn't happen as often though. And I think that's probably why people are like taken aback when friends break up with them because you're like, oh, we connect now, so shouldn't we connect for the rest of our lives? I mean, that's, I think, the hope. Yeah. And it does happen for a lot of people, but it doesn't mean that you take your friend group from elementary school all the way up to like your fucking death. Exactly. So, I mean,

how many people, I guess a lot of people out there, but some people might have friends that they still hung out. Like they met in elementary school and they're 40 and they're like, oh my God, we've known each other for… I don't hang out with anybody that I went to grade school with. Do you? No. Well, yes, I do. Okay, fine. A lot of them. But I guess the thing is… But I don't. Yes, it doesn't. Like ride or die doesn't mean forever. Ride or die just means someone you connect with hardcore, right? He's like telling me his best friend and I'm like, no, you didn't meet your best friend in grade school. You met your best friend in high school. I have a lot of friends from grade school okay fuck you but you don't have any friends from grade school no

i moved around a lot like so not very like you know what you're actually now that this has come up maybe this will make this person feel better so um i guess people have like high school reunions yeah and i heard about like my high school whatever 25th reunion yeah i think it's because Because I like, I went to, I go to like at the gym, there's somebody I went to high school with who I run into at the gym maybe like once every six months or a year. And I don't know, like two years ago when I saw him, he was like, oh yeah, like we had a high school reunion. And I was like, I didn't hear about that.

I was not invited. So there you go. There you go. You and Lainey can hang out. You found a new ride or die. My husband, Yasek, is sitting there being like, mm-hmm. I can see why I can understand

If you were underslept through elementary school people would still really like you now It's when you're the best Okay, one more drama I have had the same group of girlfriends Oh, look at this! I didn't even know this was the next question I have had the same group of girlfriends since high school. We are now in our mid-thirties

and still hang out all the time Sometimes I feel like our history can become negative within the friend group, especially when it comes to Leah Leah? Leah? How do you say it? I don't know. Okay, I'm going to go Leah. Or should I go Leah like Star Wars? Go Leah.

Okay. She's always been a direct no bullshit kind of girl. It's what I appreciate about her, but also what I can't stand about her. Whenever I need her advice about men, career, or whatever the problem may be, she comes off so harsh. And to add to that, she has a very dry sense of humor, so sometimes she makes fun of my problems or tells me to just get over it and move on. I know I just have way thinner skin than her, and while her advice is accurate, albeit very

stern and quick. It's the delivery that grates on my nerves. After all these years, do I finally confront her or do I just accept that this is who she is and there's no changing it? Would really appreciate your advice, Debbie. Oh my God. This is like, you know what I'm going to say, right? What? What am I going to say? You're going to say, I'm Leah. Yes. I just, as we, this is a very small example, but Lainey came to pick me up and brought me to her house and she was like, oh, what are we going to get for food? I literally said, I, and she goes, no. Because she won't even listen to a suggestion of like a food product that I could bring to the table without saying no. We have different food languages. Sure. But baseline again is just

respect. But I guess my point being is, I guess this is what's hard, is I feel like we are both Leia's right oh we're both direct we're both um you know both of our nicknames are tiger moms to our friend Dylan yeah because we are also no bullshit yeah I like that kind of delivery I know that it's not for everyone but for Debbie I mean thank god you have other friends you can go seek out advice from other people if you don't like how Leia responds but you have admitted here that Leia gives some good fucking advice. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. So again, it comes back to that thing we were talking about before, which is this like hater kind of culture, which is like sometimes people just don't like to hear the truth. And I don't think you need to always deliver it in this like flowery kind of like let's hug kind of way. Sometimes you can just rip it off like a fucking bandaid and get to the goddamn point. Yeah. Fundamentally, I agree with you.

But? But I do know that, like, in other parts of my life, there are people who are very, very sensitive. Yes. And… So you put on some gloves for that. I do. Yeah.

I do. I've had to learn that, like, because it makes my life harder when you have to get through, like, the sensitivity and the crying to be able to find common ground. Okay. But you learned that on your own. I did. Did a friend have to come to you? Or did you, like, how, when did that dawn on you where it was like, oh, maybe I should

pivot with how I'm delivering this? It dawned on me on my own. Nobody came to speak to me about it. I just, like, realized, wow, this person's, like, really, like, these people are really raw and they need to, they require a different approach. I don't know. This is something that I think about all the time because it's about who yields to whom. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. And the more vulnerable and sensitive people out there would say, since you are tougher, it's easier for you to yield. Because you're not the one like being hurt or feeling like the sharpness. Yeah, totally. You have the thicker skin. So shouldn't the people with thicker skin, like given that they don't carry things with

them. Adopt a different tone. I don't know. Like this is, I guess this is one of these like age old philosophical debates, right? Because it's about who do you ask to change? Is it fair? Like in any, in any of these scenarios, one person has to quote change or modify or adjust. I mean, I guess my question to Debbie would be, is Leia mean? If Leia's mean, then yes, I do think that gives you grounds to go and talk to her about that, right? Like, if she's insulting you, if she's undermining you, if she is making you feel less than… I don't get that sense, though, do you?

No. Yeah. So that's why I'm sort of like, you kind of have to take your friends for who they are. And that's what I was saying. It's like, thank God you have other girls in your friend group that you can go to if you don't like her approach. but sometimes you just have to hear something that might not feel like the way that you want

it to come from or the way you don't want to receive it that way. But it doesn't mean that the nugget of truth that they're delivering isn't correct. The bottom line is Leia doesn't seem to be badly intentioned. No. Like she's just like, let's keep it moving. Yeah. Like when she makes a joke, it's not intended to cut you. And it sounds like Leia is like a loyal person. Like as tough as she is with you, like, hey, get it together. If she, I get the sense that if she heard that someone was being mean to Debbie, she'd fucking put on some gloves or brass knuckles. Vaseline that face off and go. Yeah. And go, right?

Yes. And that's awesome too. Yeah. So for Debbie, like I would encourage you to remember those parts of Leah when these things are happening, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to be like, hey, can you like go easy on me? Can you be a bit more chill? Yeah.

Like before you tell her whatever it is that you're about to dump on her, be like, listen, I'm real raw right now. Like I just need you to listen and maybe just like be with me in this space before you tell me I'm an idiot. Yeah. You can preface it by saying, can you just be a little bit softer with this advice? Yeah. And if you've been friends this long, I think she'd be like, oh, okay.

Yeah. And try to be a little bit softer. but I don't think it needs to be a sit down conversation because she is who she is. I mean, I have friends who like, sometimes I'm like, are you a sociopath? Like the way that they communicate, but I know who they are. And because of how long our friendship is, I know A, how to navigate it and B, not to take it personally. Yeah. I think that approach is both things, right? Internally, you are going to remember that Leia is awesome and you're ride or die and has no bad intentions.

Yeah. And then in turn, you communicate to Leia what you need. Yeah. Again, like, you know I talk about this all the time, is love languages. Yes. I do think it's an important thing to continue to talk about, though. Yeah. We apply love languages in romantic settings.

I'm going to go back to my thread again. Yeah. But maybe we should start applying love languages more to, like, friendships. I agree. on your point though about taking the truth and maybe some people need to hear the truth you know who came in like popped into my head who judge judy yes you don't even like voluntarily go to the harshest og bitch out there i love her yes yes i fucking love her um that's why she's like a bajillionaire it's because people love her well first of all she works hard as fuck like she

shoots a lot and yeah they pay her like i think she's the highest paid person on tv or something like that right didn't i read that for a long ass time yeah and like the reason why her show is popular is because yes people watch it but she also needs the cases yeah people like write in and be like hey can you fucking solve this case of my i don't know my parking spot for me it's always small shit yeah yeah yeah and they're going to her because number one they're taking the chance that Judge Judy is going to side with them. Right. But they're also there for the shits and giggles of it.

Also, like, when you do that, you take the risk of, if she doesn't side with you, she's going to, like, tear you a new asshole. She is going to serve your ass with a new fucking foot. Right. For sure. But, like, she's so popular. Yes. So, I don't know.

Like, that confuses me. I know. But I think those people amuse you, like, the two of us. But not everyone's built that way. Right? Am I one of those people that you're softer with in your approach? No. Okay.

I just wanted to know who that is. I feel like… Well, no. I actually just gave an example of how you are absolutely not that person. No. Like, I straight up say to you, I don't want to do that. Yeah. I don't like that.

But I think that… I don't know. I think that in the same way that Judge Judy is, like, super tough and nobody, like, goes around saying she's unfair think of your friend like judge judy yeah you fucking judge judy as a friend yeah fucking dope that's really cool but also judge judy isn't unreasonable no she has a good heart she's i agree yeah that's why i think that like we i think we've nailed kind of the advice which is you know you can't change leia yeah you can kind of ask and request for a softer approach. But at the end of the day, if you're getting good advice, then I don't know. That's

kind of great to know that you have a friend that has your back and doesn't want to have some long fucking conversation with you and just wants to give you the fruits of the truth. Yeah. Yeah. Reminds me I'm like way behind on my Judge Judy watching. But before we go, I just want to recommend for those of you who haven't seen like probably one of the most famous cases of Judge Judy, have you heard about the time that she like presided over the dog case? No. Oh my God, you would love this because you have a dog.

Because I love dogs. Okay, so it's obviously the defendant and the whatever. Yeah. And so this one dude is like, I lost my dog and these people stole my dog. And the other people were like, no, this is our dog and they may have stolen the dog. and Judge Judy in like five minutes figures out who the dog belongs to. Who did it belong to?

You'll watch it. There's a clip. Everybody go watch the Judge Judy. Oh, it's just like a big viral moment? Yeah, everybody knows this episode. Oh my gosh. Like sometimes, you know, you just want to watch something nice and easy.

I'll go back and watch that episode. It's on YouTube. It just eases your soul. Yeah, it's my favorite because also the way she figures this out and then decides is so badass and like to the point that it's also

a fist pumping moment and then there's a dog involved oh great there you go Debbie please can you just watch this tonight everybody just go watch that

I will absolutely everybody google it it's not hard Judge Judy dog yeah okay you'll find it and on that note

keep sending your questions to me at Sasha at LadyGossip.com and subscribe to us where you get your podcasts leave comments and reviews and we'll be back

next week bye bye Thank you.