What's Your Drama - Knocking Side Hustles & Hating on Know-it-alls

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

This week: We explore Lainey's latest crush, whether or not it's okay to snob out someone's job when you've just started dating them, a writer who is struggling with how to deal with her friend's know-it-all plus one, and what to do when your friend group legit HATES a best friend's girlfriend. Please keep your advice questions coming my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you to be sure to send us feedback on twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I also offended our friend Lara the other day when she asked if one of her friends would come for dinner and I couldn't actually hide it on my face. I was like, uh, what did I say? I said something horribly rude, but it was just me jerk because I just love my shit. Hi, I'm Sasha. Hi, I'm Lainey. And this is What's Your Drama? What's Your Drama?

I want to talk to you about something we've never talked about before oh we're gonna get deep because there's something that happens to me but I think it doesn't happen to you and I want to know why this is gonna be about a bodily function it's not okay well it's about like a sort of a bodily function okay tell me so you know once every few years I get like a stupid crush on like a movie star or a celebrity right like I and it becomes then I become a everything yeah yeah and I start like imagining in my mind scenarios where you know I script like a screen I've written about this I called it a years and years ago on the website I called it my summer crush um at one point um do you remember that movie summer crush what's that who was the

summer crush you were talking about at the time it would have been oh maybe jake gyllenhaal you had a thing i know okay that's surprising whatever okay fine this was 2012 i don't know i can't remember when i wrote about it but my summer crushes even though they don't have to be in the summer have been like shane now i can't even remember his last name um shane he was the guy in a walk to remember that the mandy moore movie where she has cancer never seen a mandy moore shane something okay like like a shane tyler thompson i don't know shane west shane west thanks yassic how do you know that okay you just know because she's told you about her crushes her entire life okay right i would watch a watch remember over and over again and i'd be like

I love you. Ryan Gosling, after I saw The Notebook. Yes, of course. Right? Yes. Obsession. He was everybody's boyfriend. Joaquin Phoenix, after Walk the Line.

Really? I was super into Heath Ledger for a while. What an interesting cross-section. Okay. Anyway, so, but it's been a while, like a long time. Okay. Oscar Isaac, but not in the full-blown body crush kind of thing. Because I know who this person is that you can't stop talking about.

I know, we're not going to say. I don't want to say. Why can't we say? Because, I'll get to that in a second. Oh, okay. That is not… If you could see the smile on your face right now, I've never seen you smile with so much. And she's not even a real person in the sense of like they're not real, right?

They're not part of our lives. There's no way… Correct. I'm glad you know that. Fuck you. Okay. Anyway, why doesn't this happen to you? I don't know.

I think though I will… Because I can't be the only person. No, you're not. Because we have friends that this happens to. Yes. Like, our friend Amy loves Timothee Chalamet in no kind of jokey way. No. Like, she came two years ago to a Tiff red carpet and snuck on just so she could see him.

Yes. She was standing right next to me. Yes. Like, she definitely… Yes. I would never do that, P.S. Amy is next level. Right.

Yeah. Okay. I'm trying to think. I guess I'm not… The last one was obviously Noah. That felt very real to me. Noah Centineo. That one felt very real to me.

No, but you weren't like writing fan fiction about yourself and Noah. But I don't, that's not me. But I definitely was like, oh, I will, in another lifetime, I would leave Corey for this person. He's perfect for me. Yeah. Okay. And that lasted a solid three months.

Okay. And then now I'm disgusted by him. After, after you saw To All the Boys I've ever met. Oh, that, that did me in. I was fucking like, there's, I was actually like a bit worried. I was like, this is a bit strange that I'm in love with someone. Okay. So that was probably the, how many times did you watch it?

Oh, many times. Many times to the point, again, where I was like, this is embarrassing. This is becoming a problem. And I used to love. You didn't share this with me, any of us. You did not say. You kept it to yourself. You did not.

I had no idea you would go home after work and watch it. We were on a group chat exclusively about him. I would say that you, I mean, you did some, said some dirty shit. I think because it felt so real that it was too embarrassing to say out loud. And then I would say Josh Hartnett was one for me. I love Josh Hartnett. After 40 Days and 40 Nights. Oh my God, he was so hot in that movie.

I can't. And not to be like, but that was the time that I was living in London working at MTV and I interviewed him for that movie. Yeah. And after interviewing him, I was also like, I'm fucked. Like I'm in love with this person. This possibly could be real for me. That doesn't necessarily count though because you met him.

But it was work. But still, it put me over the edge. Same with Ryan Reynolds. and I asked him out and he never wrote me back that's always a fun embarrassing story

so my thing is like they're almost real to the point where it goes where I'm like coo coo coo coo okay so there

I'm there I'm with you this has happened to you before yes okay great and your most recent was Noah Centineo three months

so what do you think is going to happen to you because the new movie comes out he's so gross to me he's such a loser he got yeah

once I started to deep dive into his Instagram the movie it just lived and it was perfect And then when I saw that there was a real person that was just really, really stupid, I was like, can't, boner killer. Yeah.

Okay. But you loved him in the movie. Loved him in the movie. Right. I'll just, I just want to say here that it's definitely one of the stars of these Chinese romantic series that I've been binging. Right. That is my whole life right now.

That's all I do. Yes. Correct. I can't wait for you to leave so that I can spend time with my Chinese and Korean drama series. We should note that I actually just texted you once over the holidays and you didn't get back to me for – at all because you said you were so into these soap operas. Yeah.

Okay. So who's the star? No, but I – listen. Why can't you say it? Because – Because you're hiding like some secret lover. It's not that I'm embarrassed. It's because I don't want to share him.

Right. You don't want other people – That's how fucked up I am right now is I have shown you. Yes. You have like said, yes, he's beautiful. Who else is agreeing with the – Everybody I've shown says he's beautiful. Okay.

But I don't want to put it out there because I'm freaky deaky like that. I don't want you guys out there. Not that I'm whoever. Not that I have this microphone or whatnot. But I just, I want to not have to share. You want to savor it. Yes. What does Jacek, to my right, think?

Because this one, Jacek is, he doesn't, but Jacek, this one's a little bit real. When we were texting. How is it real? He's a 22-year-old actor living in China. No, but you said to me via text message while you were on the Golden Globes red carpet, Sasha, I can't deal with this. All I want to do is hold his hand. Like, I've never heard you say anything like that.

And it was, and I was like, oh, yes. In the middle of my work. Yeah. Probably one of the biggest red carpets. It was probably wedged in between like you interviewing Eddie Murphy and someone else. And you were like, I want to hold this 22-year-old man's hand. Yeah, I think you're fine with it. It's good.

He's fine. God, that's great. He's got borderline and garaginous. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's super pretty. He's very beautiful. He's so pretty. He has better skin than I do.

Yes. He has better hair than I do. Yes. Lovely jewelry. Great style. Great style. Tall. He's so hot.

Anyway, I will never meet him, although I am trying to- Excuse me? Engineer. I also texted you. can you get us a trip to Shanghai in which I was like yes I think I can

let's do that yes get a trip for us to go to Shanghai so we can interview see movie stars and see TV stars it's blowing up

I actually think that there's an interesting work component we need to bring this to Canadian and American audiences I agree I agree

okay well I thank you for because I thought you weren't that person and now that I know that you it's kind of sad crushed on Noah Centineo

for three months it makes me feel so much better I feel embarrassed because I wonder I would like to hear from other people. Other people must, right?

For sure. Except Duanna. No, Duanna does. I don't think she like Not in the same kind of squee little way that we do, but she definitely has. I don't want to imagine that.

Okay. Because it'll be Ray Romano. It's totally Ray Romano. Love Ray Romano. But we're not being ageist here. It's just that she has a particular type. As we've said,

Tony Danza, Ray Romano, And anybody else old, you can think of. All right. Let's get into some people's drama. Yes. Less about our drama, more about other people's drama. Okay.

Okay. Dear Sasha and Lainey, feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle and need your words of wisdom. I'm 32 and starting my career as a private sector lawyer. I've been single for about four years and have been playing the apps for months, searching for somebody, and I finally landed on a super sweet guy. Let's call him Jack. Jack and I have been dating now for about a month, so it's very new, but the sparks are there. He is thoughtful and funny and really gives me the attention I've been looking for.

But, and of course there is a but, we didn't talk about jobs on our first few dates, but two weeks ago we started talking about what we do. He had told me that he was an artist when we first met, but I had never pressed on how he actually makes money. He always takes me for dinner, pays for everything, dresses well, etc. Anyway, when we got into it a bit deeper on our last date, he told me that he drives Uber and has been driving Uber for the last two years in order to supplement his life as a visual artist. I don't want to knock someone for earning a living, but I feel like that's not going to fly at the end of the day. When I asked him about what his long-time plan was, he didn't really have an answer.

He said he's still figuring it out. I'm an overachiever. I've always worked hard. I want to have a big life, and I'm not sure I can be with someone whose short-term plan is driving people for a living. Is that awful of me? If I'm being really honest, I'm a bit embarrassed as well. How do I tell my friends? How do I tell my family?

What if one day I'm out for dinner, and I call an Uber, and Jack picks me up and my friends? Seriously, I fear that happening. Keep it real with me. Do I ditch him now before I catch real feelings or am I being totally unfair? You can call me Tony. Tony and Jack. Tony and Jack. So Jack is a great guy.

He is sweet and thoughtful and… Cares about her. Apparently he's got good style. Yep. I always pick up on that because I'm married to someone who has zero style, so I'm… Yeah. Hi. Let's just dig in there.

He's actually in an all gray outfit right now, so that's great. But the problem is he could have style. He could have great style. He has all the elements and he just refuses to have good style. But you made him dress up when you were on vacation one day. So you get those, you get those moments. Okay. Anyway, this is about Tony, not about me.

But ha ha, look at me making it about me again. So, so Jack checks all the boxes except Jack is, you know, a visual artist, which he's working on that element and he has to supplement his income by Uber driving. Yeah. Okay. So is Tony being an asshole? I think so. Yeah, me too.

I think so. Let's just get that out. Maybe not an asshole. I understand where you're coming from, Toni. Yeah, Toni's at the beginning of her career, you know, is hustling, wants, yeah, she wants all the things. She wants the facade that she's with a man who has it all too. And that's why I think it's kind of an asshole move because I think that shit's bullshit

at the end of the day. I think if someone is driven, I think if someone's motivated, which sounds like he is, he's not sitting on his ass like hoping that the artist's dreams will come true he's working so that he can make that dream come true and for me I'm like hat tip to that I really can't I can't knock that and I also think that like so I mean a job doesn't define who you are and I also think that there are times where in your life things get shitty and you have to do those jobs like Corey was unemployed for a year and a half and um and still he had more money than he saved but which was crazy but not only that at one point he was like fuck like I don't know what I'm gonna do like I'm

gonna have to just like get a job at a bar and for me that kind of filled my heart because I was like oh he's gonna man up and do what he needs to do to continue this life for us like some people would be too ashamed to do that some people would feel like that was below them or beneath them and I I think, fuck, if he's just, like, trying to, like, I mean, there's still, I mean, he's still, I'm assuming they're young. Our reader, what, our writer is 32. Yeah. So, like, people are still figuring their shit out.

People fall through hard times. You know, when Corey was figuring out what to do. Yeah. I remember I came over, you had people over and we were hanging out and he was telling me that he wanted to start going into, like, the train, the railroad industry. Yeah, that was a thing he wanted to do. He wanted to be a fucking railroad engineer conductor. I was like, no, that is actually something he wants to do.

Right. Because he was like, everyone's aging out. And I was like, you're not going to be a fucking train conductor. And I was like, first of all, he's so interesting and funny. And I was like, okay. At first, for the first 10 seconds, I was like, fuck you, whatever. And then he, I knew he was serious. And I was like, you know, that's really interesting to want to try different things at, you know,

I don't know, in your early 40s, late 30s, and to be like, I want to be a train conductor. I mean, just anyway. And I found it like not in a creepy way, but I found it kind of sexy, like interesting. You know what I mean? So to your point or to, yeah, to your point about Jack, like Jack is hustling. And not to get too on the nose about it, but he's driven. So he's driving. Like he's driven.

As you said, Sash, like he could just be fucking, I don't know, loafing around, but he clearly knows he has to support himself. He has the money to take you out to be in a relationship or at least to be trying to embark on a relationship. So I don't, but I get, Tony, I get why we, because I'm, my life is also, my life is defined by my career. You said like life is not work for everyone. And I accept that.

But I also accept for me that life is work. I get a lot of enjoyment out of it. I get a lot of value and worth out of it. So, Toni, for sure, that's okay for you. But I'm just not sure if you're going to be able to find fulfilling love if you're looking for exactly the same thing in a person that you are. Yeah. um and then now especially in our world who isn't in the gig economy totally totally exactly well

that's what i find too whenever i get into an uber that doesn't feel like it's threatening my life i always have these discussions with these these guys who are driving these guys mostly guys some women um and like to hear their stories they're all just trying to fucking make shit happen right Like whether they're trying to like, yeah, like support their main goal dream that hasn't taken off yet or they're like supporting their family. Like it's fucking hard. It's really hard to make money. Yeah.

In the gig economy. Yeah. I mean, in 2020, the gig economy is, you and I are part of the gig economy. Like we don't just have one job. Yeah. I have multiple jobs. Um, so I guess for you, Tony, in law, that is one of the older sort of traditional established professions and that's great, but I do think that that's going to be fewer and fewer people

are going to be in that and more and more people are going to be part of this gig economy. So even if you say bye to Jack, there is no guarantee that the next person you meet is going to be a lawyer or an engineer or an architect or whatever. Chances are at your age, 32, the people you're going to be meeting are going to be people like Jack. And so I don't know if you want to narrow your love scope in that way. I agree. And also like what means more? Someone with like a Swiss job and is kind of a bit of a dick and like unavailable sometimes or someone who is fully there for you and just fucking can also take you out for dinner with your girlfriends. It's great. don't fucking have to pay for uber yeah get a deal discount deal from uber from him great but

also real talk i mean if you are getting started in your law degree and you're not like i mean you know the law environment so what are the pickings there i mean if you're looking for people in the conventional professions well she's obviously been lucky not lucky in love right in those areas is maybe like I yeah I think that listen you're 32 I don't mean to come at you like hey let your big sister tell you right but having been around the world a little bit more I can tell you that the people with non-gig economy jobs who you know you can bring home and be like hey he does this for a living it doesn't necessarily mean that there'll be there'll be good boyfriends or husbands. In fact, yeah. Exactly. There are like a list. Dot, dot, dot. There's a list of professions

that I would never, ever. What? Ever. What's the one top of your list? I don't think I could ever be with like an investment banker. Right. Yeah. That world is super, it's super. Too on the nose of hustlers for you. Yep. Right. Yeah. That world. I mean, it just seems like there's, I don't know, I can't, I can't do, I can't be part of that wheel and deal life. Yeah. I could never, ever be with an actor. Never. I fucking.

Never. Yeah. The insecurity, all their bullshit. No way. No way. I don't think I could be with like a chef. What? That would be my dream.

Yeah. But it's the egos. Yeah. Cause they're all spazzes. But like, have you heard about, have you heard about, you know, in obviously every industry is being exposed, so there are so many people who have exposed… Why are they so ego-driven? Yeah, the culinary industry, if you will, has been exposed and, like…

I mean, listen, we're not painting all chefs with one brush and all investment bankers or whatever, but there is an infrastructure within their system, within their particular industries that sets it up so that, like, the dude, the one man is the boss in the kitchen and there's certain behavioral standards that are, have been long accepted. So yeah, I've heard some stories. Oh, I could, a chef I fantasize a lot about. Yeah, but I guess you're only thinking about like… The food. Yeah, that's what I want. But yeah, there's like an ego that comes with it. Yeah, I know, I know. But anyway, whatever. Okay. What I'm trying to say is, Toni, don't limit, don't limit yourself. Yeah. Because you

might end it with jack but the next person you swipe on it could be like a lift driver yeah totally totally yeah yeah okay um but check out his art because like if his art sucks then maybe you can move on all right next really good point uh hey sasha and laney we have a really tight group of girlfriends we've been best friends for almost 10 years we do everything and support each other to the fullest one of our friends danielle is newer to the group but she fits right in and we adore her we do these dinners once a month where everyone and their significant others if they have them come. It's just a fun get together where we all drink and eat way too much. Danielle just started dating this new guy and while he seems nice enough, he has this annoying

habit of being a know-it-all. He knows everything and everything and about everybody. It drives me crazy. He'll shut down anyone having a conversation with his opinion and even when he agrees with someone, it's like he's trying to have a confrontation. He raises his voice a bit and just throws around all of his backs. He dominates all conversations all the time. I want to say something to Danielle, but I really just don't know how to tell her without insulting her relationship. Please don't tell me to suck it up because I can't take it anymore. I feel like he ruins the dynamic of these dinners and I really can't take it any longer. Thank you. She didn't leave a name. Oh God. That know-it-all guy. I also have like major stranger danger when people

come in like a group setting that's already been. Yeah. You're really bad with that. Yeah. You're so bad. I think that people say that I'm bad, which I am, but you're sort of the same way too. You don't like people rocking the boat and newbies either. Well, it's clear. You and I, that's where we intersect. Why do we do that? We just don't like people. I don't not like people.

I just don't like people in my inner circle that I don't know. Yeah, I have terrible stranger danger. So this would be a real… Yasik always says to me, you are such a bitch and our neighbors, nobody knows you. It's true. Didn't you like, you like offended one of your neighbors across the street? I did not. Yeah, something like that.

I feel like you told me something about that. But anyway. No, I also offended our friend Lara the other day when she asked if one of her friends would come for dinner and I couldn't actually hide it on my face. I was like, uh, what did I say? I said something horribly rude, but it was just me jerk because I just love my shit that I don't like other people coming into my shit. The look on your face was, yeah, I was crying.

Yeah, inside you were. You didn't defend me, but that's fine. I was. Anyway, so I'm a horrible person and I recognize that. I'm a horrible person too, so I definitely sympathize with this person and the… Dynamic shift. The dynamic shift with the know-it-all. Yeah.

Yeah, what do you think? Okay, so you are not willing to suck it up. So if you're not willing to suck it up, then we have to explore other options. Yes. And if you're not willing to suck it up, then the other options are going to be uncomfortable. There's going to be an element, let's be clear, of having to suck it up in some way. I don't know. Okay, what are you thinking?

She's made her choice. She has straight up said to us, I don't want to suck it up, which is the sweep everything under the rug approach, right? Okay. So she sounds like she's ready to rock, ready to rumble. Okay. If you're ready to rumble, then don't take it up with the girlfriend, your friend. Don't take it up with Danielle.

You don't have to, right? Like it's, you have a problem with somebody, you go directly to the somebody. So making a scene. No, not making a scene. But if the guy is a know-it-all and he's annoying, then there is a way or if you want to like handle it. Yeah, yeah. Because again, it's not fun for you anyway.

So you might as well go for it and be like, hey, can someone else finish? Like, you know, we're supposed to be having a conversation. Right. Just straight up. Just use it that way. Yeah. Just straight up. And kind of embarrass him.

Because that is embarrassing for the person at the table. Unless he's a fighter and he like gets off on it. But it's also putting, is her name Danielle? Yeah. In kind of an awkward situation, no? Well, it's not, listen, it's no more awkward than for other people. It's not that. It's that I don't want Danielle to have to wear it.

No. Like. I don't either. When Jacek is being embarrassing at a party or a dinner, I don't wear it. When the fuck am I embarrassing? Like, when he goes on and on and on and extends a story. I would say he's embarrassing. I wouldn't say he's embarrassing ever.

Corey's been embarrassing for sure by being the drunkest person ever. Actually, yes, it gets really high sometimes in his… I'm sorry. Not embarrassing. Excuse me. But the time when you guys picked me up and we went to our friend's show. You have to give that. And he was like multiple squared.

and then there was like a thing where, I don't know, I don't know, he was, you and Corey were laughing so hard at him. That was the night we went to go to Dylan's party. Yeah, so he knows that. And I got in the car. I didn't feel, I didn't feel I had to carry that. No, you didn't. And you didn't.

No, I did not. No, okay. I did not. And you don't have to, like, and when Corey goes missing, you don't carry it. I carry it. Like, you, what do you mean? Like, you think it reflects badly on you?

Well, yeah, because there's nothing worse than thinking that your friends don't like your partner and then you're like oh my god like it just makes you feel like you're with a fucking nerd how okay i get second i get secondhand major embarrassment i for the people i i think you need to get over that because obviously everybody adores cory but if they didn't like they don't in this situation you know i just feel bad for me and i get it i think that that is actually a really good tactic to like kind of stand up to the person who is ruining the night and is dominating everything yeah for me i my tactic would be to um have to suck it up a bit so that everything remains the same because i love things remaining the same

but it's not the same already no because this is what you do you say hey dudes hey gal pals that we've known for 10 years i want to change our dinners i want it just to be us no significant others then you just get you get your pie and you get to eat it fucking too and you don't have to see like Danielle's fucking boyfriend or any other buddy's boyfriend. But she loves this fucking fam jam thing. But there's a sacrifice and the sacrifice is cut the fucking annoying dude out, but still at least hang on to what you had in some dynamic. Wait, because of one person, all the others have to suffer and let go of the thing that

they really enjoy? Yes, I would do that. I totally disagree. I think you've tried and fixed the situation and it can turn into something positive. Okay. I just don't. Well, I mean, the thing is, too, I mean, first of all, this guy's here forever. How about if Danielle marries him and forever and evermore you have these shitty fucking

experiences? They're going to become no fun eventually, right? That's why I'm like, if you can savor and get something out of it still, then save it so you can still have these dinners because he's going to continue to come and it's going to fucking be a buzzkill all the time, every month. Listen, but what if you're doing that, like, Danielle a favor or him a favor? Maybe no one in his life told him, like gave him the feedback. Hey, you're not that actually socially with it.

And here's how you can improve. This is like personal development. You don't think people have eye-rolled this dude enough times in his life that he hasn't gotten the fucking hint? I don't know. I don't know. Because there are… Listen, I'm thinking…

I know know-it-alls and I know that nobody has told them. I'm thinking about a mutual know-it-all that we know. okay I can't say this person's name out loud because that would be horrible he is OTT know-it-all I'm sorry and how do we act with him we tell him straight up to his face you suck you're wrong that's true you're so annoying that's true leave I'm not talking to you anymore I've seen you do it you've seen me do it I actually say it to his face on on on a in a live situation when we're recording that's true okay fine you're with an audience so So I'm glad you brought him up because I think that we're demonstrating to the person who

wrote in that, like, I have straight up done that before. When someone is stupid and being a know-it-all, I have said, like, no. But can you imagine if that know-it-all that we're talking about was in your life every month? Well, that's… Every month. That's just it. Like, sitting at this dinner table with you.

You're spoiling this thing that I really enjoy. So why… She's already not going to suck it up. I'm just saying the only option she gave us to me is, okay, then like fucking tell him to his face. Okay. Okay. Like, you don't have to be rude about it the first time.

You can just be like, hey, this is a conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know. Can everyone have their turn? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Or, you know, I just don't agree with you. Like, you know, I'm not going to agree with you that you're right. Like, let's move on then. Okay. Okay. Okay. Agree to disagree. Sorry.

Fine. I say you, okay. I bow down to this advice of yours then. I step back from mine for time being. If you can do what Lainey's asking you to do and it turns out well, congratulations. If it doesn't, then I would go to fucking plan B, which is mine, which is fucking stop having the other extracurricular activity people coming in and just fucking narrow in on your girlfriends.

Yeah. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Like, please. I really do. If you live in Toronto, I might even come. Totally. that's your other option just bring laney and she'll just yell at him

uh okay last question hey sasha and laney my girlfriend introduced me to your podcast and i fucking love it since y'all dish out such solid advice i was hoping you might be able to help me deal with this very bizarre situation so a friend of mine let's call him a is dating a girl we'll call d over the course of a and d's relationship his other friends and i have lost count of all the red flags d has thrown up but a seems totally oblivious the girl's batshit crazy for one we've never met her in person and not for lack of trying our group of friends are all in our early 20s and several of us are in a committed long-term relationship we do a lot of couples activities together dinner parties camping that sort of thing we always invite a and d but d never comes even if

a does they'd be dating for two years now what's more one of our friends c is a's cousin and c tells us that D never shows up to their family functions either, or if she does, she makes him leave 10 or 20 minutes into the occasion. And that sort of control is the rule of their relationship. When we threw a bachelor's party for C, again, that's A's cousin, A left an hour into the party because D wanted him to go hiking with her the next morning. We'd been planning for, we'd be planning the party for months and D decided they ought to go hiking on a whim instead. She gets very territorial about A spending too much time with anyone other than her. D is absolutely nasty to people on social media.

Our whole group of friends is very liberal but we live in a very conservative region and Dee does this thing where she goads hapless old ladies into Facebook comment wars

and then cusses them out for day-long threats. For example, she's an aggressive atheist and frequently berates people on social media for expressing any sort of

religious devotion. Yikes. I'd like to give her grief. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt but again, she refuses to engage with his friends

and it's not as if we're a particular group of friends she does not mingle with. She doesn't engage with any of his friends or family god this sounds insane none of that stuff is even the weirdest shit d recently convinced a to co-sign a mortgage for her parents feel free to read that again a is still working to put himself through college they're not married and he co-signed a mortgage

for his girlfriend's parents he's helping this girl's parents buy a house generally i would consider a to be pretty emotionally adept but his parents went through a nasty divorce when he was younger and c and i feel like he doesn't have a good concept of what a loving respectful relationship ought to look like he's had some pretty toxic relationships in the past but when we confronted him about those he iced us out until those relationships ended after which he conceded that he should have listened to our warnings because of the way he's reacted to interventions in the past we're cagey about confronting him about d but a's been talking about marrying this girl how do we express our concern for our boy please help super reluctant groomsmen

okay okay so so d is a really possessive girlfriend yeah and has pulled some weird shit yes and doesn't want to meet them or be part of a's life outside of her right and um but also marriage looks like it could be in the right distant future okay and um um okay so i'm not gonna dump on d here no okay because of d's past no no i'm not gonna dump on the oh the territorial possessive girlfriend okay because as hard as this is to hear if he's like co-signing mortgages and bailing on family members and isn't the problem a little bit also with a yes like i get it. Maybe, to me it sounds like D is beyond help or like you guys have already decided who this person is and she's not worth it, right? This is not a good person. Okay. So we don't have to,

there's no conversation. This is not a good person. So now you're figuring out how to help A and I know you feel sympathy for him. You feel bad for him. He's in this situation. But also, let's be honest. He's blinded. He's silly. He's naive. But because of all those reasons, you don't think that's why you should help your friend is because he's blinded because he's naive? I think that they should help him. But I think sometimes helping, before you help somebody, you have to take a very sober look at who you're helping. Yes. Right? Right now, all they, and it's great to have compassion, but you also should like be a little angry. At your friend.

Yeah. For also letting this go on for so long. And this friend has had a history of hooking up with not so great girlfriends in the past. Right. So your friend is, your friend needs healing in the sense of, you know, I'm not saying you should be angry at him, like slap him in the face and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Snap out of it.

Like clearly your friend's going through something. Clearly your friend has low self-esteem or self-worth where he thinks that the only people who he can be with are people who essentially are abusive towards him and controlling. So let's reverse it, right? The typical story that we normally hear in these situations is a controlling and possessive man who is controlling a woman and you're like, okay, so what do you do in this situation? How do we read the woman? Well, she needs therapy.

She needs help. She needs an intervention. We have to like get it done that way. And so we need to apply the same. Yes. Yeah. So I don't want to think about D for a minute. I just want to think about A and be like, have anyone sat down with A and been like,

hey, you know what? You've been carrying around a lot of pain and trauma. Like, let's talk about why you don't love yourself enough to want to be loved properly. Yeah. I think that that of course is like exactly what needs to be done. And I think that typically when you're in those situations, your like, again, knee jerk reaction is to be like, that girl's fucking bananas and she's fucking ruining your life. And you put all of that on the person. And then that just makes the person who is insecure and is in love with the person defensive. Exactly. They feel like instead of having to stand up for themselves, they have to

stand up for someone else. Yeah. So yes, exactly. I like agree completely with what you are saying, which is go to the heart of the issue, which is the heart of the issue, which is your friend. And you may not know what the heart of the issue is yet because I don't know, clearly they've been through some family trauma. There's been a lot of pain. Like this is somebody who, I don't know, I don't know if they have a healthy understanding of what love should look like. So what do you do? so this is it, right? Like, I think that the first attempt here is to have that soft approach, to have that real connection with your friend, to be like, I'm worried about you. I'm worried about how your framework for relationships. I want to like, I want to help you. Let me know

how we can get through this therapy. Like I can find you a therapist, all that kind of stuff. But I've been in situations too, where you go there, you go to the fucking root of the issue and try to help, and that person still doesn't get it. Well, it depends on where you start. Like, a lot of the focus of this friend group seems to be focusing on how terrible of a person D is. Yeah. And not really understanding what it is that A gets out of it.

So I would, if it were me… But that's a lifelong tangle to untangle. Do you know what I mean? No, I get it. But like, you know, if I were exploring this from the very beginning, I would have a nice heart to heart that isn't negative with A and B. Like, so, hey, you and D have been together for two years now. Like, how, you know, are you happy? Like, what are your happiest times together? You know, what does she add to your life? I really want to know. I'm so curious. I care about you.

You know, what are the happiest times you've had together? How does she make you feel? How does she build you up? Like, tell me. I'm here to listen to these examples. You know, I think you start from the beginning. Because I don't think that you go right in and be like, hey, I know I said this before, but I've, so I have to like reverse or at least kind of go back and revisit what I said. It's not, you know, hey, you need to love yourself. It first is investigating what she brings to his life. What is happiness to him? To get him thinking. To get him thinking about it and to get him talking at the very least. To really begin that conversation of what is the thing in his life that she is satisfying.

Right. And ultimately, if all this is true, then she's satisfying something that he needs to address. But first, you have to get to what she is bringing to his life. She's bringing something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, there's a reason to the gap that she's filling in his broken heart, for sure. Yeah. I just think that that can sometimes be a lifetime of pain that you can't fix in a quote unquote intervention or a heart to heart. I've had a friend who is like consecutively gets in the worst relationships. And I and this is going to sound cold, but I think at a certain point as a friend, sometimes you need to fucking piece the fuck out of the friendship and not be involved.

Like, yes, I think you should do as much as you can, which is what you've outlined here, Lainey. But at a certain point, then I think you have to be like, sorry, dude, you're on your own. Like, I think it's like really painful to have to watch your friend go through like such a horrible relationship. And also like not to be like super serious, but the dude's like hemorrhaging money that it doesn't sound like he has to fucking mortgage this chick's fucking parents home. like at a certain point I sometimes think you have to step away from the banana-ness of it all right and just be like you're on your own you you're a grown human being you're gonna have to make those mistakes because sometimes you just have to let go I think that I don't think I'm not there there yet no I don't think that they're there yet they're there yet I'm just saying that

is that is sometimes the reality of it too yeah I would like to know if at any point anyone has ever talked to him about what Dee brings to A's life and how he feels about her and what it is about her that makes him happy. I think that's a starting point. I think you have to start there. Understand what this relationship is from his perspective first. Because then you kind of know what's… at least you'll be able to speculate about what's going on with him. Like, what need she serves that frankly other people aren't. And if that's a fucked up need or if it's a need that needs to be healed or a need that needs to be, you know, addressed, then at least you know what it is. I also think it's really important in those conversations too to express

how these relationships have changed the person, like their friend. Like if you can have those markers to be like you know you have become totally like you know you've become you've like made yourself distant from us you don't seem happy anymore like if you can actually if you have those handful of examples yeah i think that's really powerful too to show kind of the arc of the change and demise of someone's personality yeah like you got you got to think about this but i think the The option is to go soft as opposed to, as you can see from the get-go, which is hammering how… Horrible she is.

How horrible she is. I think, yeah. So however you go about it, make the focus him and not her. Yeah. And what he needs and what he's getting. Yeah. Keep us posted, though. Keep us posted.

All of you keep us posted. Yeah. We always want… We always want the goods afterwards. We want updates. Keep your questions coming to me at SashaAtLadyGossip.com. And subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Leave comments and reviews.

Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. In my class, there's 33 of us. What's it like? There's not enough of anything.

The noise, the packed classroom make it feel overwhelming. And when I really need help, there's not enough to go around. I wish somebody would do something. The Ford government has cut $6.5 billion from Ontario's public schools since 2018. And our kids are paying for it. Tell the Ford government, invest in our kids. A message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. We'll be right back.